Dating Mistakes Autistic People Make
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 13 ก.ย. 2024
- Let's discuss 5 dating mistakes that autistic individuals make in the pursuit of a lasting relationship and some of the practical tips on how to improve your dating experience. Whether you have a lot or little dating experience, this video will help you navigate the world of dating with confidence.
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You know what as autistic adult, I found the most difficult is like every time I initiate something no matter what, I feel like I'm a rookie and this is the first time, most of the time the people tries to correct me, command or they don't like the way I know how to do it..." autism is like a invisible concrete block over your back "😢
I get that for sure! Honestly I feel a lot better at it when I’m in a good mood and feel confident.. I think that feeling is a lot to do with prior negative experiences, secondary school really put a downer on my self esteem. I’m pretty good at chatting and don’t get approach anxiety, I just doubt myself from prior experience!
You make me smile because you get all tongue tied when talking about this subject😅
Have you listened to Corey Wayne at all? I don't do everything he says because the acts of dating will be slightly different for me. However, the idea of masculine and feminine energy has helped me immensely. Being indifferent, listening to all the details and not reacting to her testing. Women are like cats 🐈 ❤ I am assuming your a man, however, apologies if I assumed incorrectly
Thomas, I got to the 22 minute mark, then turned this off. Beat myself up a little bit mentally, put on workout clothes, and then prepaid a yearly gym membership. I just got back from a 1 1/5 hour workout. I’m back on my “StrongLifts” routine with added abs exercises. So, at first I felt really triggered by this video and then after processing WHY I felt that way- (I have gained weight, I hate looking in the mirror, my cute clothes don’t fit right, and I recently had some cool photos taken of me in a waterfall and I really disliked the way I looked). I did something about it. Clean eating has already been in the works and some sporadic walking/hiking/skating- nothing routine though. I was like kinda mad and upset at this video but honestly- it motivated me to get back into my fitness routine. So, thank you. This was the one extra motivation I needed to get back to a healthier lifestyle. And hey, I am in a better mood too. Even if my legs are jello right now. 😂
I honestly hate how much exercise helps with mental health *begrudgingly decides to get off of TH-cam and take my dog for a walk*
I’m sorry to hear that Katja, recently I’ve been very self-conscious about myself as I keep going up and down on the scales due to my meds. I think it’s important to highlight that weight isn’t always correlated to beauty or worth at all.
I’m glad it gave you motivation boost, honestly the mental benefits of it all is 100x more important than any stereotypical aesthetics.
Jelly legs is defo the sign of a good workout, enjoy them 😆
Me too but I just feel so good afterwards!
@@ThomasHenleyDo you still train martial arts at an MMA gym or do you just practice on your own? I started competing this year at an amateur level.
With regards to eyelash curling, Vaseline is way better than clear mascara. Get a TINY bit and warm it up between the first finger of each hand and swish it from root to tip of lashes. Lasts all day and is good for the lashes.
Oooooo imma get some Vaseline, thank you for the beauty tips 🥰
Thomas you do make me smile.
😄😄😄
I’m terrified of dating fr
I totally get you! It’s a minefield!
💯
Me too. After 2yrs of avoiding it i finally found a guy i will meet for a coffee. For me at least, its important to meet someone with common interests. Ive tried to connect with people over looks and it always went wrong.
Looks do matter, but theres nuance, preference is for the individual to care about themselves and as a result take care of themselves concerning grooming, but personality can make an individual more atractive or less attractive. The other aspect that matters to me is if they are a kind person.
Another thing about looks is beauty is a physical expression of health. Theres a reson why healthy looks beautiful to us.
100% agree with this Sarah :)! Mainstream attractiveness is an indicator of health, taking care of what you got does so much
And for women especially, we have to consider politics. In the states, most men are Republican and I will not date someone who doesn’t think I should own my own body and who doesn’t believe in equality. It makes no sense. Being a straight woman sucks😅. I specifically like men who are in shape and have strong distinct facial features (who look a little different or unique). I heard someone call some of these men “rat boys”. I’m not into Tim Chalomet though. But Josh O’Connor? Yes, please. Also love when I hear Henry Cavill can be nerdy and awkward sometimes. Yet, men like that want not their female counterpart, but total extrovert cheerleader types. So you just can’t win. I want a partner similar to me, but men like the opposite of themselves.
My case is ironical though. I have an auto immune disease that wrecks a lot of havoc but i have clear skin, big eyes, high cheekbones so im seen as youthful and desired 😂 😂 😂
I am actually not autistic but I just discovered that the guy I like is. So I am hear to try to learn how to court him and learn how they think
Man facts Sleep helps you come to terms with your memory of people and places. It gives you a way of letting go and treating people like people. There's no need to run from emotions or wallow in self-pity, and a part of me that started school in a sense was letting go of my past, be it people I loved or things I disliked. It’s best to accept the passage of time and not try to clingy to people with thoughts and dreams, so it doesn’t ruin the meaning that I once cared in some aspects.
1. Focusing only on romance or whatnot and not communicating with platonic attachments, resulting in those relationships fizzling. Autistics have a smaller social battery, and this can have large impact on mental health. Build a network of friends first; socializing looks similar between romance and friends in many ways.
2. People say what's inside counts, but looks do matter as well. Babies look longer at a stereotypically attractive face. Take care of your skin and body. Hygiene is of utmost importance. Exercise and healthy eating are a must for mobility.
3. Using only dating apps. Try the gym or board game club.
4. Assuming neurotypicals will appreciate or accommodate directness.
5. Not allowing space for others to reciprocate. Loneliness can lead to a strong desire, especially when you have trouble connecting to others. (I can relate to this; got dumped by a kindred spirit).
Thomas, are you wearing eyeliner on your lower lids?
Thank you for consolidating my ramblings! I am indeedy 😄
These are some very good points, well done.
In regards of clothing, I would like to add that being and feeling comfortable is also important. Do not get something that feels unpleasant and irritates you. Also go for something that looks good to yourself as well, because that will make you feel attractive. And this will make you just that bit more confident in yourself, which can really make the difference.
I also agree very strongly with not focusing too much on dating apps. It seems like the obvious thing to do, but if one looks closer, they do not make much sense. Relationships build over time and jumping right to the date is a very hasty and risky step. And if that fails, you gain nothing, not even a friend or acquaintance. The chances of success are slim, especially if you look for something long term, because these are not very good conditions for love. Use the alternatives, meet likeminded people, get to know them and chances are, you will just fall in love with someone. And then you can pursue them and ask for a date. And really try not to let desperation control you: it makes you seem pushy and creepy and more likely to delude yourself and enter a relationship that is not good for you and your partner. I have been there, it is really unpleasant and hard to get out of. I wish you all the best of luck and the strength to keep going.
You know after a lot of bad relationships i decided that i will prioritize common interests over looks. The communication flows so much better. Off course some attraction is needed but not so much attraction a person loses their mind. I see people a different way now at 35 vs me in my 20s. Without friendship and afinity the romantic and intimate parts of a relationship will indeed feel artificial and wrong. I relate a lot with your comment
I’m a late diagnosed middle aged woman yet feel I’m in my prime and dating has never been more difficult. I plan on giving up after the summer. I don’t think I’ll find a partner ever who gets me. Sex is one thing. But getting someone to see me as more than that and “good enough” for something deeper seems impossible. I also am not attracted to 90% of people . That complicates things. I get intellectually bored with a lot of men as well. I don’t think I’m poly, but it feels like I need to date 3 people to satisfy needs for one romantic relationship
What I have done is focus on friendships and doing things I enjoy without a partner. I will never neglect friends. I know what it’s like to not have close friends so I’m not letting these ones get neglected.
I was also considered “ugly” when I was younger. So I spent a lot of time working on being in shape and dressing well. I still don’t wear makeup because it makes me look worse. But I hate aging and do everything to prevent it. I run long distance and am in great shape. This made me realize that people still don’t like me because I’m autistic and they expected a neurotypical woman. Men also expect women to put in 90% more effort than they do. And I autistically refuse to put in more effort than I’m getting from them😅. I think this confuses them and makes them feel like I’m not doing something instead of looking to improve themselves 😅.
In my experience, apps are easy for men. They’ll message and act interested but never want to meetup. Or cancel. I assume men get a lot more choice than women do. There are more women, but it’s more difficult to get anything but “casual” interest. Men seem to get to choose when they want a relationship and with whom. I know many women who are going to leave because the men on there are fickle and seem to have so much choice they keep looking.
I've come out of a marriage and wasn't really expecting to date again. But I met someone and it's really frustrating me. I've just felt confident to call myself autistic (since you can be told you have it by a professional but not formally diagnosed to be able to access govt resources). I feel like he is expecting a neurotypical woman and I'm gearing up to explain to him that that is never going to be the case.
I am really hoping to break up because this is too much effort. I don't like saying no all the time. I don't think I want to date again. I'd rather find a share house with decent people to have people around that don't want so much time and energy from me.
Congratulations on 20k subs, Thomas!🎉
Awh thanks so much!!
"You gotta let her know you're a douche" I think your eyebrow piercing already states that loud and clear. 🤣 I kid, I kid, thanks for the video.
Haha i humbly accept your roast, you’re very welcome :))
Yes Thomas!! John Snow look would be sooo 🔥on you!
Haha winter will be coming indeed (maybe…)
im just bad at initiating anything but been masking for 34 years as soon as i meet the person it goes swimmingly easy
Do you find online dating to be helpful? :)
THANK YOU THOMAS ❤
💙💙💙💙
So good!
it is not a solution to give the romance&love box to friends. actually.. still horrible and very hurtful to fail at it then. maybe even slightly worse...
It sounds tooooo complicated
Haha indeed, it can seem like a new hobby in itself!
@@ThomasHenley humans are complicated
Great tips Thomas, I would just add that I think online dating is particularly difficult if you're neurodivergent. It's easier in some ways to have access to a lot more people in your area but at the same time people also behave how they wouldn't in person eg just disappearing because they've decided they're no longer interested. I've found it useful to watch videos from Matthew Hussey, as you've said some people can't cope with constant messaging but there's other ways you can determine if someone is actually interested in you. Whether that's before a date or even after.
Matthew Hussey is super cool, learnt a lot from him trying to understand from the other side (in a sense). Totally get you on the online dating front, the low commitment and low social consequences to bad behaviour make people act very strangely!
"and I am a heterosexual" 😭😵😩 devastating news😂 will still love your content regardless haha
lol
I been there
❤ Ive been single now for 11 yrs & happier than i ever was in any relationship! 😊❤
💪🏻 💪🏻 💪🏻
Nick cage enters chat 24:52
1) It’s pretty common for EVERYONE to obsessively focus on romantic interests to the exclusion of all else while dating, to the point that it is a common trope in songs to ditch your friends because you are gaga for a romantic interest.
5:45- Please, ramble, go all over the place, and fall apart freely, Thomas! 🤣
2) I’ve met plenty of attractive guys who were a-holes; but yeah, pick your best pictures in the last year or so for the dating app!
(Edit: I’m now stuck editing this comment because I accidentally hit the reply button.)
3) Eating right and exercising is expensive in terms of time, mental energy, and money, just saying. Junk food is the cheapest way to get a quick high. So basically, what you’re saying here is classist. Dating is classist. Not shocking, really. Good thing my probably more than 50% body fat butt isn’t looking to date any time soon!
4) So hit the thrift stores for some decent clothing, okay. Stabbing? What is stabbing? 🤨
5) You sound like a woman, bud. I mean, you look good, but you sound like a woman.
Thanks, Thomas, this was great to watch while drinking! Made me laugh many times! 🥴
3) WTF? How are we only on #3? Am I too drunk to count? Also, late hubby and I found eachother on Match, and we both had serious dating issues. That said, I had to go through several dead ends to find him. I recommend a first date in a neutral, public location you can leave on your own without the help of the other person quickly if needed.
4) Why can’t you show 4 “like a normal person”? No idea, Thomas; shocked, really! /s Remember, being a manipulative controller is the opposite of being honest and direct! And a lot of people occupy the opposite end of the honest and direct spectrum!
5) Late hubby went through a short period where he was e-mailing me 8 times a DAY. I was a single mother with a full-time job. Once a day, folks! Once a day! But, if someone is ignoring you for over a week… yeah, they just aren’t that into you, folks. Following some general rules like this may help in early dating. 🤔
Regarding (3):
Eating right and exercising brings you back more energy, focus, creativity, and a good mood.
Whereas junk food gives you just a quick high, as you said, but makes you sluggish and feel like shit after that.
In fact, it even costs you far more money (and quality of life!) in the long run.
Conversely, exercising does not have to cost you a gym membership, body weight training or running is completely free. And the bigger part of ingredients for a healthy nutrition plan is actually not notably more expensive or often even cheaper than the hyperprocessed options. You can buy the main ingredients like beans and potatoes in bulk and meal-prep during the weekends.
Thank you for this! I can’t do all of the comments justice but I read them and I’ll reply to a few :)
The attractive guys are a lot more likely to assholes just from hearing from my girl friends, also it’s very obvious just from socialising haha.
Once or twice a day is definitely the sweet spot for me, I’m happy to deviate from it, it’s just hard when people get annoyed about the lack of texting.
Thank you for thoughts as always :))
@@ThomasHenley Thank you for not minding the occasional drunken ramblings! 😊
It amazes me how many people don't even think to consider the energy and time commitments of the person they are interested in.
"I like them and have no hobbies or commitments so surely they have as much time and energy as I do!"
🤔
And then they are shocked shocked! when you tell them you have a life already that you can't just dump.
I am very concerned by this video Thomas. There are a lot of negative and disempowering messages on topics that are unnecessary to what you do well (give detailed, well-spoken descriptions of your lived autistic experience). Might I suggest that you aim to improve pro-social value of your videos? I can see a big risk in people who want to be more successful dating watching this and not realising how it will affect their self worth, potentially leading to depression, eating disorders and substance abuse. Look at the comments, friend.
Ratio love isn't real.
What is ratio love? :)
@@ThomasHenley its a thing on reddit to call ratio to something and then count up/downvotes or responses to that statement. So we have to hold against it
ratio Love is real but complicated.