It is so, so painful listening to you describing this "I am a burden for my caretaker and I dont want to wake them again to readjust me for the umpteenth time". It reminds me of my hospital experience, where I needed help and the call button being out of reach of the functioning body side. I was half paralyzed and not able to pull myself up, it was the middle of the night, and I did not have the vocal strength to call. So I lay there, in pain, trying to get myself out of the position that caused the pain, and calling for help. So in addition to what advice to the caretaker you gave, I would ask the caretaker to check frequently, if the person in recovery has the means to make themselves noticed (bell, call on phone, door to their room open, so calling out can be heard, at all times… )and they never are in the position to having no chance than endure an intolerable emergency situation.
Not your usual guy Oh man, that sounds awful, I'm so sorry you had to go through that. The button being just out of reach would've driven me mad, so close yet so far =/ When I first woke up from top surgery I was in a recovery ward, people are moved in/out all the time so everything was mobile, nurses just go on rounds periodically rather than having a bell/alert button. My very first piece of consciousness was I needed to pee *_SO_* badly it was physically painful, thought I might actually piss the bed. Couldn't get up, was attached to some equipment, still drugged up, didn't know where exactly I was or where the bathrooms were anyway, like, I was just _stuck_ in this bed suffering. I freaked out when I realized there was no bell or anything & I couldn't see a nurses station or staff in my immediate vicinity, so I was just kinda softly crying and moaning in pain for ~10mins until a nurse came (she heard me) and helped me to the bathroom. That was probably the worst part of my whole top surgery experience tbh, hahaha, coz I had amazing support afterwards. But just that 10ish minutes of desperately needing to pee but not being able to and not knowing how to get help was fucking hellish. It's just a terrible position to be in, I have so much empathy for people with similar experiences. Coz like, mine was just a short time and tbh I _could've_ just pissed the bed worst case scenario y'know? Would've been gross, uncomfortable, embarrassing, messy, etc, but it was at least an option lol. Not being able to get out of an excruciating position with no way of getting help, especially with a call button right there but that you can't reach... Argh, omg that's horrendous D=
Bryn Jackson you experience sounds as unbearable as well. The option of just wetting the bed was there, but as you said, it was losing a bit of dignity connected with it. For the out of reach call button, it was not Gender reassignment related surgery, but depending on how hard it is to move, it was an important addition. Well, this was right after I was transferred to my room, and the afternoon nurse put it out of the way to reposition me one last time before changeover. She and I had forgotten to think about putting it back down again and the night staff on a neurosurgeon ward (where I was) had all hands full. I could hear them walking up and down the hall. just out of reach, too. In the morning, we talked about it, and in my stay, until I was mobile again, it did not happen again. With Autism, in Germany, I am allowed a stay in person of my trust to help with social interaction issues, back then I did not know that. Something like that will not happen again :).
My best friend is getting top surgery next week and I have taken time off work to care for them afterwards. I have been a caregiver for 6 years and I'm still so nervous of what to expect. It's so different when it's your best friend that's gonna be in pain and struggling. They are so worried they are a burden to me but it's actually such an honor to care for them and to invite me to be part of such a huge moment in their life. It's been a long journey to get to this moment and the emotions are gonna be running high. Thank you so much for all the helpful info!!
Skoozer Threefive That's a good idea! It'd need to be a kind they can open easily and somewhere they don't need to bend over/reach up/stretch/etc to access, but that's just a little bit of planning or trial and error, haha. Maybe have the bottles opened already, I know I couldn't open a fresh bottle of water/juice/softdrink by myself for about a fortnight after my top surgery. Crack the seals beforehand, and maybe chuck a couple of snacks like fruit salad, chocolate, or yogurt in there along with ice packs, and that'd be pretty damn perfect!
I'm two and a half weeks from my op rn and I'm still in pain but I feel like I shouldn't be a burden anymore lmao. I'm starting to feel depressed. The first DAY after my op, my supposed to be caretaker (which was my dad, and he's never known how to be a good dad) told me that I had to start to do things by my own when I asked him to help me get DRESSED. Not even the shirt or the pants, just my socks because I couldn't move my arms. That was an amazing start. He would forget to leave a mug for me for the next morning so I could at least get a coffee while he was sleeping because he was so tired. We argued when I didn't want to have my surgical binder washed because I was afraid to be too much time without it (we don't have a drier at home and he had to go outside to do it, so I didn't know how much time he would be outside). He told me I was always exaggerating things, that he has had surgery before and knew about this stuff. He even told me that he didn't mind helping me but when I acted like this (being angry at him) he really thought about not helping me at all. He was showing 90% of the time he was exhausted and tired and annoyed. I was asking him every minute if he was angry, with an angry face and a dry "no" as a response. And he was 80% of the time outside home, doing who knows what. I know I'm sometimes annoying and get anxious and stuff but man. I don't wanna feel this useless and dependent ever again. Thank you so much for making these series of videos Aaron. I'm super sorry you had to go through so much pain. I love you a lot and wish you the best.
Dude that's straight up exactly was Aaron talks about in this video... I'm sorry your dad was a bad caretaker. You deserved better and it sounds like he was incredibly selfish and had zero empathy. I know your comment was a year ago now but I sincerely hope you have been recovering well and the situation is a lot better now. And that you have a better support system of loved ones around you.
My notes on the video: 1) put my own needs aside, not burden with my needs 2) making sure they feel like they have some control over their environement, their body, whats happening. 3) Take care of them and the space they're occupying. 5) Words of reassurance: its ok, this is why im here for, it'll be fine, this isnt gonna last forever, you tell me and i'll do it 6) Be selfless, give your undivided love and care and show willingness to help 7) Respond quick to their needs 8) Be the best version of myself that I can 9) Attitude while doing things is as important as doing what they ask for: not showing annoyance or exhaustion, no sighs/eyerolls 10) Be proactive in the help you are offering: -Ask if hungry, thirsty. -Make sure they always have a drink by their side. With straw - Make sure they never run out of the things that they need - Always be one step ahead. Two bottles ot water at all times
I really cried when you retold how bad your experience was. I'm so sorry you had to go trough this and that you didn't have a good caretaker. But thank you so much for sharig this with us, I think it will help me to communicate (in advance) with my caretaker on what I expect/need Love you ♥
I remember when I got my wisdom teeth out, it was so nice to be around my family and them helping me when my gauze needed to be changed, or I needed to change the side I had an ice pack on, or if I needed food. Support is so important to have!!
When my friend gets top surgery, In I don’t know how many years, I’ll make sure to be prepared. I want to be there for him, and I want him to have an amazing and healthy recovery.
I suggest you could re-title this video “How to take care of ANYONE after ANY type of invasive surgery”. I’m sure there are people who watch this and find it a little hard to hear but I think you’ve hit the nail on the head in terms of how to mentally approach providing care for any person in their immediate post-op days. I think it could also be applied to anyone taking care of someone with a critical illness or even a chronic illness during difficult bouts. Also, I’d like to say that given your personal experience, you’ve approached this discussion in a very mature and insightful way. Thank you for taking the time to put this out there.
Thank you!!! My fiancé is literally in surgery right now and this is so helpful ❤️ I feel so lucky to get to take care of the love of my life and to have that trust from them. When I had surgery in high school (not top surgery) my mom was taking such good care of me post op that in my doped up state I thought she could read my mind and I started crying when she was "feeding me wrong" 😅 she was so confused but that is the level of care I intend to provide ❤❤❤
I'm taking care of my best friend after his top surgery in three weeks and I've been doing all the reading I can to make sure I'm prepared to do my best. Thank you for this video! 🥰
I want to get top surgery so bad, but one of the biggest roadblocks is I don’t have anyone to help me during recovery. My dad can’t help because he’s the sole provider (and also a man), none of my friends are around and wouldn’t be able to even if they were, and I don’t have a partner. Thank you for making this video, it’s so so helpful
Aaron, in hindsight, this all makes so much sense now. BTW, OT, please do a video on your different hairstyles. From all views. You have the most awesomest (is that even a word) hair ever!
Absolutely spot on video Aaron, seriously, preach! I think a lot of people don't think about this side of it, but it's so fucking important - The surgery is easy, you're not awake, the surgeons do all the work there, the aftercare is a _way_ bigger deal and yes, it can be difficult, it's a big commitment. You don't half arse that kind of commitment, someone is so vulnerable they're relying on you because they _need_ to. It might sound like 'oh how sweet, I'll take care of you' but it's not a light undertaking, you might not be up to it, the person recovering is still going to need it though. I think you made some excellent points and articulated them extremely well. Thanks for this video, I'm sure it'll help a lot of people be more aware and prepared for the reality of top surgery. _(Long comment incoming lol - Talking about & comparing two different surgical recovery experiences I've had, one good one bad)_ When I had my wisdom teeth out (all 4 at once, in a very complex maxillofacial surgery, so it was bad, not just like a regular extraction) I was with a (noq ex) partner who took care of me. She was so attentive and organised, really cared, wanted to do everything right to help me have the least terrible experience possible... But she still just kinda... Couldn't. It was a huge strain on her, she was getting frustrated, exasperated, annoyed with me... I woke up at 4am about 3 days after surgery, painkillers having worn off overnight, quietly sneaked into the living room, took my painkillers, and sat on the couch trying not to cry audibly while waiting for them to work... She soon came out of the bedroom annoyed that I'd accidentally woken her up, trying to cover it and be caring, etc, but she was resentful. I was so upset inside, knowing that it was a handful, it was tough, and she was legitimately caring, but the sighs, eyerolls, snappy responses, those 'trying not to yell closed eye deep breaths' before answering, etc, really made me feel like a useless burden just dragging down my partner. I got scared to ask for things or not clean/cook/etc, or even really show any signs I was recovering from surgery at all, let alone talk about it, especially talk about it in a negative/complaining way or use it as an 'excuse'. It was just such a depressing experience. She wanted to be a great caregiver, she cared, she did a lot, but she wasn't cut out to be a caregiver, wasn't handling it well at all, and both of us had a terrible time. When I had top surgery, I was so hyper prepared in every way possible to be as independent as I could. I stayed at my parent's house, the day before my surgery I brought over my travel pack full of button down shirts, comfy basketball shorts, laptop & eReader + books, chargers, snacks, toiletries, etc, and set everything up in organised places at about elbow height around the room. I bought a safe and put all my meds, prescriptions, paperwork, my 'buffer cash', etc in it, set up a powerdeck with all my device chargers and stuck their leads to the wall so I couldn't drop them on the floor accidentally, gave my parents copies of all the info and aftercare pamphlets/paperwork I had, spoke to them about recovery and aftercare, filled all my scripts early so I wouldn't have to go out for them just post-op, did some healthy meal prep so I'd have good food to easily just grab, etcetcetc... I was _onto it_ man, hahaha. And then, my dad drove me home from surgery, opened all doors for me, my mum poured me glasses of juice or softdrink coz I couldn't pick up or open the bottles, they checked in on me all the time and brought me food & water, let me have lots of sleep and peace... Hell, my dad helped me empty my drains at the same time every morning without a 2nd thought, my mum helped me dry off with a hairdryer after showers then do up my compression vest and put on clothes... I dropped my instant release painkillers and the box bounced between the bed and bedside table, so I had to call my mum from my room at like 2:30am, waking her up just to ask if she could come pick it up for me - And she did! Without even a grumble or annoyed joke or anything! Like, so completely dedicated, above and beyond, phenomenally supportive, but it _never once_ seemed like an annoyance or a burden, didn't even seem like a big deal, they were just both naturally caregiving without even having to think about it, really no matter what I needed or what time it was. I'm so fucking lucky to have awesome parents like that. But the huge stark contrast between my ex taking care of me and my parents, well, blows my mind hey. I was 28yrs old, my parents hadn't had to look after a baby for a _long_ time, haha, so it wasn't just habit 😂 That difference makes _all the difference_ seriously. Recovering without anxiety or guilt, having my needs anticipated and met, the easygoing comfortable peaceful feeling and environment, trust, genuine no-strings support, all that jazz, it made my top surgery recovery an absolutely amazing and beautiful even spiritual experience. The difference literally cannot be overstated. If you want to be someone's caregiver, that's awesome, so lovely, but it takes a lot and if you have the slightest feeling that you aren't going to be able to wholly and purposefully give all the necessary care without feeling burnt out or annoyed or resentful towards the person, please don't try to be a sole caregiver, please don't do it. It's not fair on you to put aside your needs and have to do so much for someone else, but it's also not fair on them to have a caregiver who isn't giving the care they need and makes recovery emotionally & physically stressful. Both sides need better. Having been on both sides and both ends, I can tell you that caregiving is not for everyone, and that's okay, but good caregiving is so so so necessary for a good recovery, so don't bite off more than you chew or it's going to make things awful for both of you.
My boyfriend is going to get surgery at some point, if it is soon or later on, I will be there for him. I know how it feels to be seen as a "burden" by others, its not something nice. I will be there for him, supporting him and doing everything I can in my possibilities to make him feel comfortable. I really appreciate this video :')
If you're reading this & maybe going to have surgery soon you might find that having a runners hydration backpack might be helpful because you can just reach for the tube part & just have that bag near you so you'll have enough when you need it probably for a day or so
Thank you so much for this, my best friend is going to get top surgery and i really want to be there for them physically and emotionally even if they arent asking so this is really useful information!
When you said that not a lot of people getting top surgery have their parents there for them, it made me think how lucky I am to have my mom. She’s a nurse and she has helped me since day 1 since coming out. I don’t her enough but I really do appreciate her so so much.
I dealt with having my caretaker complaining, sighing, grumbling quietly etc. It just made it so I didn’t want to ask for help and trying to do it myself. I don’t have a lot of people in my life to pick from though. But I totally understand what you’re saying. 💕
It's important to vocalize your pain in as much detail as possible, especially with doctors. There's a lot of stuff you may think is normal that may indicate some serious problems going on in your body. Don't endure pain because you think you can take it or that you have to just deal with it either. People who care about you don't want you to feel more pain than you absolutely have to when you've had surgery or are injured.
For my recovery no one was willing to take time off work so I spent a lot of time alone. Couldn’t do much by myself and would have to wait for hours for anyone to be around to help. Any time I’d bring up how hurt I was that no one felt it important enough to take time for me I’d be made to feel selfish. It really sucked.
Thank you for your eloquence & your passion. These are important words for caregivers in so many situations. I'm so sorry that you didn't have what you needed & that you had the complication of an underlying condition. Caregivers can also remember that the patient may be trying to be positive & not expressing fully their pain levels. You must still be vigilant & supportive. Anticipate what might be painful so they don't have to focus on it. Keep track of meds & food & appointments & timing. Carry as much of the burden as you can so the patient is only left with the parts you can't do - the healing.
this made me almost cry, im so sorry you had to go through all that. I really felt your pain when you explained how it felt lying there and being to scared to call for help AGAIN. I dont even know you but i wish id been there for you
Aaron, when I'm ready for top surgery, this series is what I will share with the people who I ask to come with me as my caretaker. Thank you for making this! Your vulnerability in sharing this is awesome! Thank you! -- TransPastor Dan
My husband is getting top surgery hopefully VERY soon and I'm so happy, I'm going to be taking care of him and I'm excited too. His happiness is everything too me 💖 I love helping people in general. I once helped a stranger for over an hour while they were sick at an old job lol they were throwing up and I was cleaning it off their face. I'm down to help help help. I don't get annoyed easily at all when it comes to helping ppl especially if that person is someone I love, like my man ! Oh I also have slight insomnia so I'm up all the time back and forth no matter what so.. that's that I'm ready ik I am ! Lol thank you for this video. I don't think ppl take mental health as a thing when it comes to physically healing. This was nice. Thank you !!! Proud of you 💖 I wish you got more help you deserved 💘 I'm glad you're doing well.
hopefully i can get top surgery done sometime within the next year (: already have $3k saved up edit: 9 months passed and now there’s almost 6k and i’m planning on getting it done within the next year
I would love to hear specific EDS recovery tips if you ever have the time to share! I have it as well and am terrified that I will get turned down for top surgery, scary recovery, etc. Knowing someone else survived it helps.
I’m getting top surgery in October and this is very helpful. Thank you for this and I’m sorry you went through a rough post op. Hope you’re doing well now 💯
I showed your video to my care team prior to the big day. Thanks to your eloquent words and honesty my team was so much better prepared and I am SO thankful for you sharing your experience. Thank you so much
I watched this video, and I have plans for surgery next year - I'm trying to mentally prepare for it. I want to be educated on what to expect, and to educate my care-giver on what to expect. One fear I've had since my consultation was that - my family will not be there. My mom and my dad are gone, and the family I moved my life to be closer to act as if I don't exist and have repeatedly demonstrated that I can't depend on them. I moved hours away from my friends, and became terrified of what I'm going to face - surgery, and healing - potentially alone. Thankfully this will not be the case - I have a friend who has... like, honestly there are so many times I feel like I don't deserve him ( and I actively try to be someone better for him), but he has promised to come stay with me before surgery, getting my house and myself prepared and us making a game-plan and educating ourselves through your videos - and he is one person who no matter what - has never made me feel like I'm a problem. When I was sick, he was ready to jump through fire for whatever I needed, and I know he is exactly who I need by my side through this and I know will be everything that you are describing a person needs to be. My heart aches that you did not have that, that you felt for even a second that you were a burden. You are so, so, so wonderful Aaron. It wasn't your fault, and I hope so much that you have people in your life right now that are being what you needed - support. You're a great creator, and you are appreciated and loved. Thank you for making these videos for others in the community.
I did my whole top surgery on my own, no caretakers, did my whole recovery on my own. it really sucked. I stretched my scars but I try to think that shows my strength that I did it all on my own. Before my surgery I moved all my medications to the counter, got LOTS of microwave foods, but FORGOT that I couldn't reach my dinner plates! It was a big mess, but I got through it. I would strongly suggest someone to help with recovery!!!
@@bluesunshine420 Sorry you have to do this on your own, be careful when changing bandages if you want to make sure your scars are minimal. Stretching from side to side and also hair growth will hurt if you tear those things off when removing/replacing bandaging. I wish you the best of luck and make sure you prepare in advance! (making sure things are within reaching distance and such)
I´m sorry that your recovery was that hard. :< Ty for making this video! my friend is getting a top surgery soon and even though they haven´t asked me to help with recovery, this made me realize that it would be good for me to ask about who is helping out and is there a need for more help. You´re great Aaron, I think I´ll watch some of your other videos too since this was so informative.
I know this video is 3 years old but thank you so so so so so much for making it. My best friend just had his consultation for top surgery today. We don't know the surgery date yet. But we both already know he'll be staying with me after. I am 110% committed to making his post op experience as comfortable as possible and you brought up i lot of points that I now know to keep in mind. He already has depression. He's already been through his fair share of shit. I don't want this milestone to be any more difficult than it has to be or tarnished in any way. He's already my world. But for that week or however long he needs he is the fucking king and I'll do anything he needs or wants
This video has helped me so much. I'm having my top surgery soon and it's been so hard to find the right and understanding person. Rn I'm sending this video to 2 partial caregiver. I hope they can learn quickly. Cuz I never want to be burden to anyone but I know I can't do this surgery by myself. Thanks for the learning experience.just remember your awesome and I'm proud of you. I wanna be ur new best friend
I watched this with the person who is going to be taking care of me post-op a year ago and now I’m watching it again because my friend finally got his surgery date and I’m his caretaker. Thanks so much! Sorry your experience sucked so bad, I’m going to do everything I can to make sure my friend’s is way better.
Thank you so much for making this video. I am taking my brother to get top surgery next week, and we're SO EXCITED! I'm going to care for him, and I want to make sure I'm ready and there in every best way possible. I want him to feel supported and loved. This helps:)
It's a big relief to see your video about your experiences with surgery, because (understandably) most people posting about theirs are fit and well otherwise. I have a number of chronic health conditions, two of them are significant/severe, and I greatly worry I will be completely wiped, in pain and out of control. I also worry I will be completely alone because I have no family nearby (they won't stick with me for this because they're from an extremely conservative setting) and my friends are all overseas.
Thank you for this. I'm flying out of state to take care of a dear friend for a week after their surgery, and I'm trying to find everything I can about how to help them. I want to be as supportive as I can possibly be, so I'm really grateful for this insight.
I concur with what a caregiver should be willing to do. the issue I have had with it is unless it is gneuinly who they are, me asking them to be at my beck and call during recovery becomes more stress than I can handle. When you are really down and out you can't even think let alone argue or complain at all. I really helps to know who you can trust and be careful who you ask to help you in the first place.
Thank you for this video! I really needed to hear what you said. I'm getting top surgery next month and I am so blessed to have such a supportive family. I love my mom, my dad, my girlfriend, and my roommate, and I know for a fact i'm gonna get cared for with the utmost intensity. I'm gonna watch this with my girlfriend! ❤️
Thanks for the video am going taking care of my friend in December. we are making a list of all the things we will need to get in order for him to feel safe, loved, comfortable and feel like he’s in good hands.. I want nothing more than for him to then to feel loved and accepted
i LOVE taking care of my family and I am always trying to anticipate when they are hungry or need anything. I have to try and back off a little so I am letting them make choices too. I have cared for so many people in my life and I truly love to help. I have been SEVERELY ill as a child for years and was completely dependent on someone for a day or two when I would have a bad spell. to the point of passing out and almost drowning in my vomit bucket. I know how it is to be raw and vulnerable and have a real trusted person help you to live and comfort you or not. i am a nurturer and helping is one way I show love to people in my life even in a small way.
it is crazy you even have to make this video. . .if i was recovering and my helper rolled an eye I would refuse to ask ever again and want to die. Not normally but after surgery if I am struggling I am already really down mentally so this would be beyond what I could handle. just terrible you had to go through that.
when I started listening to your video all I could think of is oh my god....he has had a very bad experience. My fiancé is having surgery in 12 days and im looking for ways to make him feel better and all I could think of was...damn....you really needed some help. Im so sorry your surgery recovery was hell because that's what it really sounds like. I really love your hair and I agree that you should do some hair videos. Hope you find a happier place and happier people to surround your self with ♥ best wishes to you
I just want to say thank you for this video 💛 my friend had his surgery today & I’d never even thought about like having extra bottles of water or extra food so he doesn’t have to ask me for every single thing. I’m so sorry you had such a bad experience and thank you for sharing 💛💛
My bf is going to get top surgery and im SUPER scared too, of not being a good caretaker and a partner while doing it. very terrifying on my part as well. But im going to try my best
Thank you so much for this Aaron! My partner is getting top surgery in about a month and I'm going to visit and stay with them to hopefully be the best caretaker I can be!!! They actually sent me this video 😂 and I really appreciate all the advice, thank you
Yo I left a comment here earlier about post-op caretaking by my mom and how I was scared. My fear was validated, it’s been 1 week and my mom is super annoyed with me asking for things I can’t do and she’s pushing me to do things I shouldn’t do yet.
I'm sorry you had to go through this, Aaron. It wasn't fair to you. Rewatching this has really made me reconsider top surgery, because I don't really have anyone in my life who could be an A+ caretaker. I would fly down to Florida to be with my friend through his in a heartbeat though. I told him, when he's ready, I'm there.
Thank you for making this! This is so helpful to me because Both me and my parents will be taking care of my friend after he gets surgery. I’m going to be getting surgery close to the time he’s getting surgery but if it happens to be after he gets surgery I won’t know how he feels or what he needs. But this video literally answered all of my questions and concerns. Thank u so much.
Hi! I haven't even finished the video yet, but I wanted to say that this is SUPER helpful. I'm already a caregiver, hoping to work with trans people like me. That being said, I'm still pre-op so it's really helpful to learn your perspective and gives me more ideas for my job
Thank you so much for this video!! I'm going to show my mum or whoever my caretaker will be for when I have top surgery - I need this to show to that someone in such an understandable way, because I had a good idea of what I would need to say in that situation, but this put it SO WELL!! Thank you soooooo much!! Lots of love and good vibes from NZ!!
I feel this right now I'm a few days post op and I feel terrible. My dad is my caretaker and he had emergency surgery two weeks so I feel terrible every time I have to get him up because he's still hurting
if this is about someone who had this surgery way before you did. . . . then offered to help you as they were so knowledgable, then neglected your needs because they had much smaller needs and yours seemed to be over the top. . . I WOULD BE SO MAD! every body heals different if we care for a person we show true compassion, not a reflection of what we expect or demand someone to do.. . .
I mean i assume so but he didnt exactly say anything major that was done wrong (unless i happened to zone out and miss that part?) so i dont think thats necessarily a bad thing
Yeah this is really difficult to listen to after believing the narrative that got put on the podcast... ☹ Like...this is really bad. Eyerolling, not getting him things, ignoring him calling out 😢
This is such great advice. Not only for top surgery, but surgery in general. This is an AWESOME series, and I'm sorry that things were rough for you after surgery. I wish things were better. And I hope that now, you are feeling happier and healthier.
Also, if you need ideas for more top surgery 101, I'd appreciate one on how you managed to do various things with super limited arm movement and reach - eg eating, driving? (I don't drive but it seems like a thing people would ask), bathroom stuff (from brushing your teeth to idk, nail trimming?, to wiping), dressing, etc (edit- and I realize some of these are things you maybe didn't do (drive) or had help with (cooking), but like unless they were actually brushing your teeth and putting forks in your mouth (and even then it would be good to be warned))
I'm due for top surgery within a year, where I live currently I'm not actually out and I'm scared of having nowhere to live if I actually say I'm trans although I'm trying to get housing I don't know how I will be because I'd be doing it all on my own.
Thank you for this! I am so sorry you had such a painful and frustrating experience. Glad you know you have EDS now. I'm worried about recovery as well because I'm having surgery at the end of October and my mum has offered to drive me to and from the hospital but has also wanted to take no part in me organising or discussing my surgery (has said I'm mutilating my body) and works full time, she doesn't really know what recovery will be like (I gave her the resources I was given but we haven't spoken about it). I don't really know what her attitude will be like. Some friends have offered to help out but they can't really put their own lives aside for me. I'm also worried about upsetting them because I'm the first out of these friends to be getting surgery. I guess the best I can do is organise as much as I can beforehand (making and freezing meals, getting front-opening shirts, stocking up on pillows & shows/activities to distract myself with). I'll also need to keep reminding myself that I'm in pain because I'm doing something necessary for myself. I'm sure it'll end up being ok.
Wow, I'm sorry you were made to feel bad. You really shouldn't have to tell someone to be a good human. I took care of my best friend for 4 years 2of those years she was bed ridden and tube fed. I had to move in with her bcuz she couldn't be alone for more than an hour. What I didn't know, nurses at the er taught me and we did ok. I cannot imagine people who need to be told any of this...and this is why hope in people is so low.
Agreed. My family will put me in nursing care home if I get ill - they told me this. Hurts to know this is the future. Even family are bad or unavailable caretakers to be honest, sad. Would have thought family would be there for each other through thick and thin but it is not like this. We are just abandoned in nursing care homes where we get abused possibly as seen on news, etc.
My husband is having top surgery in a few months and I really want to be the best caretaker for him. I was looking for tips or supplies that would make him more comfortable post surgery. Im taking a week off work to be there 100% for him, but was debating taking more time or working from home the 2nd week to still lend support. What do you think? I'm so sorry you had to go through that. You shouldn't have had to ask for food or water..ever! I feel like anticipating those basic needs is the bare minimum.
![SAFEPLANET - ดาวเคราะห์ [ THE PLANET ]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/4X1XL3I_k3c/mqdefault.jpg)
It is so, so painful listening to you describing this "I am a burden for my caretaker and I dont want to wake them again to readjust me for the umpteenth time". It reminds me of my hospital experience, where I needed help and the call button being out of reach of the functioning body side. I was half paralyzed and not able to pull myself up, it was the middle of the night, and I did not have the vocal strength to call. So I lay there, in pain, trying to get myself out of the position that caused the pain, and calling for help. So in addition to what advice to the caretaker you gave, I would ask the caretaker to check frequently, if the person in recovery has the means to make themselves noticed (bell, call on phone, door to their room open, so calling out can be heard, at all times… )and they never are in the position to having no chance than endure an intolerable emergency situation.
Not your usual guy Oh man, that sounds awful, I'm so sorry you had to go through that. The button being just out of reach would've driven me mad, so close yet so far =/
When I first woke up from top surgery I was in a recovery ward, people are moved in/out all the time so everything was mobile, nurses just go on rounds periodically rather than having a bell/alert button. My very first piece of consciousness was I needed to pee *_SO_* badly it was physically painful, thought I might actually piss the bed. Couldn't get up, was attached to some equipment, still drugged up, didn't know where exactly I was or where the bathrooms were anyway, like, I was just _stuck_ in this bed suffering. I freaked out when I realized there was no bell or anything & I couldn't see a nurses station or staff in my immediate vicinity, so I was just kinda softly crying and moaning in pain for ~10mins until a nurse came (she heard me) and helped me to the bathroom. That was probably the worst part of my whole top surgery experience tbh, hahaha, coz I had amazing support afterwards. But just that 10ish minutes of desperately needing to pee but not being able to and not knowing how to get help was fucking hellish. It's just a terrible position to be in, I have so much empathy for people with similar experiences. Coz like, mine was just a short time and tbh I _could've_ just pissed the bed worst case scenario y'know? Would've been gross, uncomfortable, embarrassing, messy, etc, but it was at least an option lol. Not being able to get out of an excruciating position with no way of getting help, especially with a call button right there but that you can't reach... Argh, omg that's horrendous D=
Bryn Jackson you experience sounds as unbearable as well. The option of just wetting the bed was there, but as you said, it was losing a bit of dignity connected with it. For the out of reach call button, it was not Gender reassignment related surgery, but depending on how hard it is to move, it was an important addition. Well, this was right after I was transferred to my room, and the afternoon nurse put it out of the way to reposition me one last time before changeover. She and I had forgotten to think about putting it back down again and the night staff on a neurosurgeon ward (where I was) had all hands full. I could hear them walking up and down the hall. just out of reach, too.
In the morning, we talked about it, and in my stay, until I was mobile again, it did not happen again.
With Autism, in Germany, I am allowed a stay in person of my trust to help with social interaction issues, back then I did not know that. Something like that will not happen again :).
My best friend is getting top surgery next week and I have taken time off work to care for them afterwards. I have been a caregiver for 6 years and I'm still so nervous of what to expect. It's so different when it's your best friend that's gonna be in pain and struggling. They are so worried they are a burden to me but it's actually such an honor to care for them and to invite me to be part of such a huge moment in their life. It's been a long journey to get to this moment and the emotions are gonna be running high. Thank you so much for all the helpful info!!
okay, the fresh water thing (being a caretaker myself) you should get a cooler bag to keep bottles 2 and 3 cold and ready to go!
Skoozer Threefive That's a good idea! It'd need to be a kind they can open easily and somewhere they don't need to bend over/reach up/stretch/etc to access, but that's just a little bit of planning or trial and error, haha. Maybe have the bottles opened already, I know I couldn't open a fresh bottle of water/juice/softdrink by myself for about a fortnight after my top surgery. Crack the seals beforehand, and maybe chuck a couple of snacks like fruit salad, chocolate, or yogurt in there along with ice packs, and that'd be pretty damn perfect!
I'm two and a half weeks from my op rn and I'm still in pain but I feel like I shouldn't be a burden anymore lmao. I'm starting to feel depressed.
The first DAY after my op, my supposed to be caretaker (which was my dad, and he's never known how to be a good dad) told me that I had to start to do things by my own when I asked him to help me get DRESSED. Not even the shirt or the pants, just my socks because I couldn't move my arms. That was an amazing start.
He would forget to leave a mug for me for the next morning so I could at least get a coffee while he was sleeping because he was so tired.
We argued when I didn't want to have my surgical binder washed because I was afraid to be too much time without it (we don't have a drier at home and he had to go outside to do it, so I didn't know how much time he would be outside). He told me I was always exaggerating things, that he has had surgery before and knew about this stuff. He even told me that he didn't mind helping me but when I acted like this (being angry at him) he really thought about not helping me at all.
He was showing 90% of the time he was exhausted and tired and annoyed. I was asking him every minute if he was angry, with an angry face and a dry "no" as a response. And he was 80% of the time outside home, doing who knows what.
I know I'm sometimes annoying and get anxious and stuff but man. I don't wanna feel this useless and dependent ever again.
Thank you so much for making these series of videos Aaron. I'm super sorry you had to go through so much pain. I love you a lot and wish you the best.
Dude that's straight up exactly was Aaron talks about in this video... I'm sorry your dad was a bad caretaker. You deserved better and it sounds like he was incredibly selfish and had zero empathy. I know your comment was a year ago now but I sincerely hope you have been recovering well and the situation is a lot better now. And that you have a better support system of loved ones around you.
I'm so sorry you didn't get the support you needed and deserve.
My notes on the video:
1) put my own needs aside, not burden with my needs
2) making sure they feel like they have some control over their environement, their body, whats happening.
3) Take care of them and the space they're occupying.
5) Words of reassurance: its ok, this is why im here for, it'll be fine, this isnt gonna last forever, you tell me and i'll do it
6) Be selfless, give your undivided love and care and show willingness to help
7) Respond quick to their needs
8) Be the best version of myself that I can
9) Attitude while doing things is as important as doing what they ask for: not showing annoyance or exhaustion, no sighs/eyerolls
10) Be proactive in the help you are offering:
-Ask if hungry, thirsty.
-Make sure they always have a drink by their side. With straw
- Make sure they never run out of the things that they need
- Always be one step ahead. Two bottles ot water at all times
This helps thanks you
I like that you talk softly its nice ❤
I really cried when you retold how bad your experience was. I'm so sorry you had to go trough this and that you didn't have a good caretaker.
But thank you so much for sharig this with us, I think it will help me to communicate (in advance) with my caretaker on what I expect/need
Love you ♥
I remember when I got my wisdom teeth out, it was so nice to be around my family and them helping me when my gauze needed to be changed, or I needed to change the side I had an ice pack on, or if I needed food. Support is so important to have!!
When my friend gets top surgery, In I don’t know how many years, I’ll make sure to be prepared. I want to be there for him, and I want him to have an amazing and healthy recovery.
I suggest you could re-title this video “How to take care of ANYONE after ANY type of invasive surgery”. I’m sure there are people who watch this and find it a little hard to hear but I think you’ve hit the nail on the head in terms of how to mentally approach providing care for any person in their immediate post-op days. I think it could also be applied to anyone taking care of someone with a critical illness or even a chronic illness during difficult bouts. Also, I’d like to say that given your personal experience, you’ve approached this discussion in a very mature and insightful way. Thank you for taking the time to put this out there.
Thank you!!! My fiancé is literally in surgery right now and this is so helpful ❤️ I feel so lucky to get to take care of the love of my life and to have that trust from them.
When I had surgery in high school (not top surgery) my mom was taking such good care of me post op that in my doped up state I thought she could read my mind and I started crying when she was "feeding me wrong" 😅 she was so confused but that is the level of care I intend to provide ❤❤❤
:))))
I hope your fiance's surgery went well and hopefully the recovery went smoothly :)
@Milo-hp9fw awww thank you! Surgery and recovery went SO well! In the ten years we've been together I've never seen them so happy and confident :)))
@@ES-jn9odreading this makes me so happy. I wish y’all nothing but the best
I'm taking care of my best friend after his top surgery in three weeks and I've been doing all the reading I can to make sure I'm prepared to do my best. Thank you for this video! 🥰
You deserved and should have had A++ support during your recovery. I wish you had been well supported in general. We support you. 💖💖
Thank you for this video, my boyfriend is getting top surgery soon and I needed this video.
I want to get top surgery so bad, but one of the biggest roadblocks is I don’t have anyone to help me during recovery. My dad can’t help because he’s the sole provider (and also a man), none of my friends are around and wouldn’t be able to even if they were, and I don’t have a partner. Thank you for making this video, it’s so so helpful
Aaron, in hindsight, this all makes so much sense now.
BTW, OT, please do a video on your different hairstyles. From all views. You have the most awesomest (is that even a word) hair ever!
Absolutely spot on video Aaron, seriously, preach! I think a lot of people don't think about this side of it, but it's so fucking important - The surgery is easy, you're not awake, the surgeons do all the work there, the aftercare is a _way_ bigger deal and yes, it can be difficult, it's a big commitment. You don't half arse that kind of commitment, someone is so vulnerable they're relying on you because they _need_ to. It might sound like 'oh how sweet, I'll take care of you' but it's not a light undertaking, you might not be up to it, the person recovering is still going to need it though. I think you made some excellent points and articulated them extremely well. Thanks for this video, I'm sure it'll help a lot of people be more aware and prepared for the reality of top surgery.
_(Long comment incoming lol - Talking about & comparing two different surgical recovery experiences I've had, one good one bad)_ When I had my wisdom teeth out (all 4 at once, in a very complex maxillofacial surgery, so it was bad, not just like a regular extraction) I was with a (noq ex) partner who took care of me. She was so attentive and organised, really cared, wanted to do everything right to help me have the least terrible experience possible... But she still just kinda... Couldn't. It was a huge strain on her, she was getting frustrated, exasperated, annoyed with me... I woke up at 4am about 3 days after surgery, painkillers having worn off overnight, quietly sneaked into the living room, took my painkillers, and sat on the couch trying not to cry audibly while waiting for them to work... She soon came out of the bedroom annoyed that I'd accidentally woken her up, trying to cover it and be caring, etc, but she was resentful. I was so upset inside, knowing that it was a handful, it was tough, and she was legitimately caring, but the sighs, eyerolls, snappy responses, those 'trying not to yell closed eye deep breaths' before answering, etc, really made me feel like a useless burden just dragging down my partner. I got scared to ask for things or not clean/cook/etc, or even really show any signs I was recovering from surgery at all, let alone talk about it, especially talk about it in a negative/complaining way or use it as an 'excuse'. It was just such a depressing experience. She wanted to be a great caregiver, she cared, she did a lot, but she wasn't cut out to be a caregiver, wasn't handling it well at all, and both of us had a terrible time.
When I had top surgery, I was so hyper prepared in every way possible to be as independent as I could. I stayed at my parent's house, the day before my surgery I brought over my travel pack full of button down shirts, comfy basketball shorts, laptop & eReader + books, chargers, snacks, toiletries, etc, and set everything up in organised places at about elbow height around the room. I bought a safe and put all my meds, prescriptions, paperwork, my 'buffer cash', etc in it, set up a powerdeck with all my device chargers and stuck their leads to the wall so I couldn't drop them on the floor accidentally, gave my parents copies of all the info and aftercare pamphlets/paperwork I had, spoke to them about recovery and aftercare, filled all my scripts early so I wouldn't have to go out for them just post-op, did some healthy meal prep so I'd have good food to easily just grab, etcetcetc... I was _onto it_ man, hahaha. And then, my dad drove me home from surgery, opened all doors for me, my mum poured me glasses of juice or softdrink coz I couldn't pick up or open the bottles, they checked in on me all the time and brought me food & water, let me have lots of sleep and peace... Hell, my dad helped me empty my drains at the same time every morning without a 2nd thought, my mum helped me dry off with a hairdryer after showers then do up my compression vest and put on clothes... I dropped my instant release painkillers and the box bounced between the bed and bedside table, so I had to call my mum from my room at like 2:30am, waking her up just to ask if she could come pick it up for me - And she did! Without even a grumble or annoyed joke or anything! Like, so completely dedicated, above and beyond, phenomenally supportive, but it _never once_ seemed like an annoyance or a burden, didn't even seem like a big deal, they were just both naturally caregiving without even having to think about it, really no matter what I needed or what time it was. I'm so fucking lucky to have awesome parents like that. But the huge stark contrast between my ex taking care of me and my parents, well, blows my mind hey. I was 28yrs old, my parents hadn't had to look after a baby for a _long_ time, haha, so it wasn't just habit 😂 That difference makes _all the difference_ seriously. Recovering without anxiety or guilt, having my needs anticipated and met, the easygoing comfortable peaceful feeling and environment, trust, genuine no-strings support, all that jazz, it made my top surgery recovery an absolutely amazing and beautiful even spiritual experience.
The difference literally cannot be overstated. If you want to be someone's caregiver, that's awesome, so lovely, but it takes a lot and if you have the slightest feeling that you aren't going to be able to wholly and purposefully give all the necessary care without feeling burnt out or annoyed or resentful towards the person, please don't try to be a sole caregiver, please don't do it. It's not fair on you to put aside your needs and have to do so much for someone else, but it's also not fair on them to have a caregiver who isn't giving the care they need and makes recovery emotionally & physically stressful. Both sides need better. Having been on both sides and both ends, I can tell you that caregiving is not for everyone, and that's okay, but good caregiving is so so so necessary for a good recovery, so don't bite off more than you chew or it's going to make things awful for both of you.
My boyfriend is going to get surgery at some point, if it is soon or later on, I will be there for him. I know how it feels to be seen as a "burden" by others, its not something nice. I will be there for him, supporting him and doing everything I can in my possibilities to make him feel comfortable. I really appreciate this video :')
If you're reading this & maybe going to have surgery soon you might find that having a runners hydration backpack might be helpful because you can just reach for the tube part & just have that bag near you so you'll have enough when you need it probably for a day or so
Thank you so much for this, my best friend is going to get top surgery and i really want to be there for them physically and emotionally even if they arent asking so this is really useful information!
When you said that not a lot of people getting top surgery have their parents there for them, it made me think how lucky I am to have my mom. She’s a nurse and she has helped me since day 1 since coming out. I don’t her enough but I really do appreciate her so so much.
I dealt with having my caretaker complaining, sighing, grumbling quietly etc. It just made it so I didn’t want to ask for help and trying to do it myself. I don’t have a lot of people in my life to pick from though. But I totally understand what you’re saying. 💕
It's important to vocalize your pain in as much detail as possible, especially with doctors. There's a lot of stuff you may think is normal that may indicate some serious problems going on in your body. Don't endure pain because you think you can take it or that you have to just deal with it either. People who care about you don't want you to feel more pain than you absolutely have to when you've had surgery or are injured.
For my recovery no one was willing to take time off work so I spent a lot of time alone. Couldn’t do much by myself and would have to wait for hours for anyone to be around to help. Any time I’d bring up how hurt I was that no one felt it important enough to take time for me I’d be made to feel selfish. It really sucked.
Thank you for your eloquence & your passion. These are important words for caregivers in so many situations. I'm so sorry that you didn't have what you needed & that you had the complication of an underlying condition. Caregivers can also remember that the patient may be trying to be positive & not expressing fully their pain levels. You must still be vigilant & supportive. Anticipate what might be painful so they don't have to focus on it. Keep track of meds & food & appointments & timing. Carry as much of the burden as you can so the patient is only left with the parts you can't do - the healing.
this made me almost cry, im so sorry you had to go through all that. I really felt your pain when you explained how it felt lying there and being to scared to call for help AGAIN. I dont even know you but i wish id been there for you
Aaron, when I'm ready for top surgery, this series is what I will share with the people who I ask to come with me as my caretaker.
Thank you for making this! Your vulnerability in sharing this is awesome! Thank you!
--
TransPastor Dan
The three genders: male, female, pastor.
Another great video Aaron!!! I’m really sorry you had so much pain!!!
The fact you had such pain really bothers me.
Love you gorgeous!!! ❤️❤️❤️
Thank you again Aaron!
My best friend is ftm transgender and just had his top surgery 2 days ago...this video was very informative and helpful, thank you and take care
My husband is getting top surgery hopefully VERY soon and I'm so happy, I'm going to be taking care of him and I'm excited too. His happiness is everything too me 💖 I love helping people in general. I once helped a stranger for over an hour while they were sick at an old job lol they were throwing up and I was cleaning it off their face. I'm down to help help help. I don't get annoyed easily at all when it comes to helping ppl especially if that person is someone I love, like my man ! Oh I also have slight insomnia so I'm up all the time back and forth no matter what so.. that's that I'm ready ik I am ! Lol thank you for this video. I don't think ppl take mental health as a thing when it comes to physically healing. This was nice. Thank you !!! Proud of you 💖 I wish you got more help you deserved 💘 I'm glad you're doing well.
hopefully i can get top surgery done sometime within the next year (:
already have $3k saved up
edit: 9 months passed and now there’s almost 6k and i’m planning on getting it done within the next year
I would love to hear specific EDS recovery tips if you ever have the time to share! I have it as well and am terrified that I will get turned down for top surgery, scary recovery, etc. Knowing someone else survived it helps.
But what if you have nobody? I want to get top surgery but no one supports me and my family rejected me so now I have no one.
I’m getting top surgery in October and this is very helpful. Thank you for this and I’m sorry you went through a rough post op. Hope you’re doing well now 💯
Mine is Oct 26th :)
Hope both of yours went well! And congrats! 🥳
I showed your video to my care team prior to the big day. Thanks to your eloquent words and honesty my team was so much better prepared and I am SO thankful for you sharing your experience. Thank you so much
I'm having my surgery in october, these videos are coming out at the perfect time. :o)
My husband is currently being operated on, Thankyou for this🖤
I watched this video, and I have plans for surgery next year - I'm trying to mentally prepare for it. I want to be educated on what to expect, and to educate my care-giver on what to expect.
One fear I've had since my consultation was that - my family will not be there. My mom and my dad are gone, and the family I moved my life to be closer to act as if I don't exist and have repeatedly demonstrated that I can't depend on them. I moved hours away from my friends, and became terrified of what I'm going to face - surgery, and healing - potentially alone.
Thankfully this will not be the case - I have a friend who has... like, honestly there are so many times I feel like I don't deserve him ( and I actively try to be someone better for him), but he has promised to come stay with me before surgery, getting my house and myself prepared and us making a game-plan and educating ourselves through your videos - and he is one person who no matter what - has never made me feel like I'm a problem. When I was sick, he was ready to jump through fire for whatever I needed, and I know he is exactly who I need by my side through this and I know will be everything that you are describing a person needs to be.
My heart aches that you did not have that, that you felt for even a second that you were a burden. You are so, so, so wonderful Aaron. It wasn't your fault, and I hope so much that you have people in your life right now that are being what you needed - support. You're a great creator, and you are appreciated and loved. Thank you for making these videos for others in the community.
The transparency of this video omg thank you! I need this because this is a commitment I’m about to take on, I appreciate this so much!
So sorry you went through this, Aaron
ilu sm
I did my whole top surgery on my own, no caretakers, did my whole recovery on my own. it really sucked. I stretched my scars but I try to think that shows my strength that I did it all on my own. Before my surgery I moved all my medications to the counter, got LOTS of microwave foods, but FORGOT that I couldn't reach my dinner plates! It was a big mess, but I got through it. I would strongly suggest someone to help with recovery!!!
I have no one that could be my care taker so I will more than likely have to do this as well.
@@bluesunshine420 Sorry you have to do this on your own, be careful when changing bandages if you want to make sure your scars are minimal. Stretching from side to side and also hair growth will hurt if you tear those things off when removing/replacing bandaging. I wish you the best of luck and make sure you prepare in advance! (making sure things are within reaching distance and such)
@@pmbluemoon thank you sm!
I´m sorry that your recovery was that hard. :< Ty for making this video! my friend is getting a top surgery soon and even though they haven´t asked me to help with recovery, this made me realize that it would be good for me to ask about who is helping out and is there a need for more help. You´re great Aaron, I think I´ll watch some of your other videos too since this was so informative.
I know this video is 3 years old but thank you so so so so so much for making it. My best friend just had his consultation for top surgery today. We don't know the surgery date yet. But we both already know he'll be staying with me after. I am 110% committed to making his post op experience as comfortable as possible and you brought up i lot of points that I now know to keep in mind. He already has depression. He's already been through his fair share of shit. I don't want this milestone to be any more difficult than it has to be or tarnished in any way. He's already my world. But for that week or however long he needs he is the fucking king and I'll do anything he needs or wants
I’m going to share this with my mom who will be taking care of me. Thank you so much for making this!
This video has helped me so much. I'm having my top surgery soon and it's been so hard to find the right and understanding person. Rn I'm sending this video to 2 partial caregiver. I hope they can learn quickly. Cuz I never want to be burden to anyone but I know I can't do this surgery by myself. Thanks for the learning experience.just remember your awesome and I'm proud of you. I wanna be ur new best friend
I watched this with the person who is going to be taking care of me post-op a year ago and now I’m watching it again because my friend finally got his surgery date and I’m his caretaker. Thanks so much! Sorry your experience sucked so bad, I’m going to do everything I can to make sure my friend’s is way better.
thank you so much for this
I hope all goes/went well!
I don’t know how u handled that .
I am 6 weeks post op . My recovery wasn’t bad after the first three days .
Thank you so much for making this video. I am taking my brother to get top surgery next week, and we're SO EXCITED! I'm going to care for him, and I want to make sure I'm ready and there in every best way possible. I want him to feel supported and loved. This helps:)
yikes! when I have had surgery we use walkie talkies because I can not call out at all. I can double click a button to chirp at my helper though.
It's a big relief to see your video about your experiences with surgery, because (understandably) most people posting about theirs are fit and well otherwise. I have a number of chronic health conditions, two of them are significant/severe, and I greatly worry I will be completely wiped, in pain and out of control. I also worry I will be completely alone because I have no family nearby (they won't stick with me for this because they're from an extremely conservative setting) and my friends are all overseas.
Thank you for this. I'm flying out of state to take care of a dear friend for a week after their surgery, and I'm trying to find everything I can about how to help them. I want to be as supportive as I can possibly be, so I'm really grateful for this insight.
I concur with what a caregiver should be willing to do. the issue I have had with it is unless it is gneuinly who they are, me asking them to be at my beck and call during recovery becomes more stress than I can handle. When you are really down and out you can't even think let alone argue or complain at all. I really helps to know who you can trust and be careful who you ask to help you in the first place.
Thank you for this video! I really needed to hear what you said. I'm getting top surgery next month and I am so blessed to have such a supportive family. I love my mom, my dad, my girlfriend, and my roommate, and I know for a fact i'm gonna get cared for with the utmost intensity. I'm gonna watch this with my girlfriend! ❤️
Watching this so i'll know how to take care of myself!
Thanks for the video am going taking care of my friend in December. we are making a list of all the things we will need to get in order for him to feel safe, loved, comfortable and feel like he’s in good hands.. I want nothing more than for him to then to feel loved and accepted
i LOVE taking care of my family and I am always trying to anticipate when they are hungry or need anything. I have to try and back off a little so I am letting them make choices too. I have cared for so many people in my life and I truly love to help. I have been SEVERELY ill as a child for years and was completely dependent on someone for a day or two when I would have a bad spell. to the point of passing out and almost drowning in my vomit bucket. I know how it is to be raw and vulnerable and have a real trusted person help you to live and comfort you or not. i am a nurturer and helping is one way I show love to people in my life even in a small way.
it is crazy you even have to make this video. . .if i was recovering and my helper rolled an eye I would refuse to ask ever again and want to die. Not normally but after surgery if I am struggling I am already really down mentally so this would be beyond what I could handle. just terrible you had to go through that.
You made me cry,
You are so strong to post this And what I wish at this moment that if I could be there for you 🥺 ♥️
Thank you. This video is so important. I love all your content. You are such an insightful human.
I love that you posted this !!!!! Thank you !!!!
I love how informative your videos are, I learn something new every vid!!
Thank you for this, I'm traveling to another country with my friend who's having top surgery, this was really helpful x
when I started listening to your video all I could think of is oh my god....he has had a very bad experience. My fiancé is having surgery in 12 days and im looking for ways to make him feel better and all I could think of was...damn....you really needed some help. Im so sorry your surgery recovery was hell because that's what it really sounds like. I really love your hair and I agree that you should do some hair videos. Hope you find a happier place and happier people to surround your self with ♥ best wishes to you
This is really helping me and my partner. Cheers, can't wait for top surgery.
I just want to say thank you for this video 💛 my friend had his surgery today & I’d never even thought about like having extra bottles of water or extra food so he doesn’t have to ask me for every single thing. I’m so sorry you had such a bad experience and thank you for sharing 💛💛
My bf is going to get top surgery and im SUPER scared too, of not being a good caretaker and a partner while doing it. very terrifying on my part as well. But im going to try my best
This is gonna help my mum so much thank you!! And great video
Thank tou so much for making these videos, dude.
Thank you so much for this Aaron! My partner is getting top surgery in about a month and I'm going to visit and stay with them to hopefully be the best caretaker I can be!!! They actually sent me this video 😂 and I really appreciate all the advice, thank you
Yo I left a comment here earlier about post-op caretaking by my mom and how I was scared.
My fear was validated, it’s been 1 week and my mom is super annoyed with me asking for things I can’t do and she’s pushing me to do things I shouldn’t do yet.
I’m so sorry. It’s an awful feeling and I wouldn’t wish it on anybody. I hope you’re okay ❤️.
i’m 19 and i want top surgery so badly but i wouldn’t have anyone to take of me and so i can’t get this surgery
which is so damn saddening
Thanks you rock. Thanks for making this.
I'm sorry you had to go through this, Aaron. It wasn't fair to you. Rewatching this has really made me reconsider top surgery, because I don't really have anyone in my life who could be an A+ caretaker. I would fly down to Florida to be with my friend through his in a heartbeat though. I told him, when he's ready, I'm there.
Thank you for making this! This is so helpful to me because Both me and my parents will be taking care of my friend after he gets surgery. I’m going to be getting surgery close to the time he’s getting surgery but if it happens to be after he gets surgery I won’t know how he feels or what he needs. But this video literally answered all of my questions and concerns. Thank u so much.
Hi! I haven't even finished the video yet, but I wanted to say that this is SUPER helpful. I'm already a caregiver, hoping to work with trans people like me. That being said, I'm still pre-op so it's really helpful to learn your perspective and gives me more ideas for my job
Thank you so much for this video!! I'm going to show my mum or whoever my caretaker will be for when I have top surgery - I need this to show to that someone in such an understandable way, because I had a good idea of what I would need to say in that situation, but this put it SO WELL!! Thank you soooooo much!! Lots of love and good vibes from NZ!!
I feel this right now I'm a few days post op and I feel terrible. My dad is my caretaker and he had emergency surgery two weeks so I feel terrible every time I have to get him up because he's still hurting
if this is about someone who had this surgery way before you did. . . . then offered to help you as they were so knowledgable, then neglected your needs because they had much smaller needs and yours seemed to be over the top. . . I WOULD BE SO MAD! every body heals different if we care for a person we show true compassion, not a reflection of what we expect or demand someone to do.. . .
He’s not talking about Chase, is he?? (As the caretaker)
WhiteLiteBarbie
I was wondering that too... Chase was with him but I don’t know if there was another caretaker too.
I mean i assume so but he didnt exactly say anything major that was done wrong (unless i happened to zone out and miss that part?) so i dont think thats necessarily a bad thing
he is. check aarons twitter, chase has been abusing aarons for years.
@@ezralee8304 god this is so terrible. aaron did not deserve this
Yeah this is really difficult to listen to after believing the narrative that got put on the podcast... ☹
Like...this is really bad. Eyerolling, not getting him things, ignoring him calling out 😢
That's good to know about compression and eds because I think I have it or at least my joints don't work right.
This is such great advice. Not only for top surgery, but surgery in general. This is an AWESOME series, and I'm sorry that things were rough for you after surgery. I wish things were better. And I hope that now, you are feeling happier and healthier.
Also, if you need ideas for more top surgery 101, I'd appreciate one on how you managed to do various things with super limited arm movement and reach - eg eating, driving? (I don't drive but it seems like a thing people would ask), bathroom stuff (from brushing your teeth to idk, nail trimming?, to wiping), dressing, etc
(edit- and I realize some of these are things you maybe didn't do (drive) or had help with (cooking), but like unless they were actually brushing your teeth and putting forks in your mouth (and even then it would be good to be warned))
An amazing video! You are really good at breaking down the points and explaining them Aaron.
I'm due for top surgery within a year, where I live currently I'm not actually out and I'm scared of having nowhere to live if I actually say I'm trans although I'm trying to get housing I don't know how I will be because I'd be doing it all on my own.
yessss an ad
this is a really good video
Thank you for this! I am so sorry you had such a painful and frustrating experience. Glad you know you have EDS now.
I'm worried about recovery as well because I'm having surgery at the end of October and my mum has offered to drive me to and from the hospital but has also wanted to take no part in me organising or discussing my surgery (has said I'm mutilating my body) and works full time, she doesn't really know what recovery will be like (I gave her the resources I was given but we haven't spoken about it). I don't really know what her attitude will be like. Some friends have offered to help out but they can't really put their own lives aside for me. I'm also worried about upsetting them because I'm the first out of these friends to be getting surgery. I guess the best I can do is organise as much as I can beforehand (making and freezing meals, getting front-opening shirts, stocking up on pillows & shows/activities to distract myself with). I'll also need to keep reminding myself that I'm in pain because I'm doing something necessary for myself. I'm sure it'll end up being ok.
Wow, I'm sorry you were made to feel bad. You really shouldn't have to tell someone to be a good human. I took care of my best friend for 4 years 2of those years she was bed ridden and tube fed. I had to move in with her bcuz she couldn't be alone for more than an hour. What I didn't know, nurses at the er taught me and we did ok. I cannot imagine people who need to be told any of this...and this is why hope in people is so low.
Agreed. My family will put me in nursing care home if I get ill - they told me this. Hurts to know this is the future. Even family are bad or unavailable caretakers to be honest, sad. Would have thought family would be there for each other through thick and thin but it is not like this. We are just abandoned in nursing care homes where we get abused possibly as seen on news, etc.
This is so helpful thank you
what a lovely video, aaron!! thankies!
BLESS
Also I hope u r ok, bb 💖💖💖
My husband is having top surgery in a few months and I really want to be the best caretaker for him. I was looking for tips or supplies that would make him more comfortable post surgery. Im taking a week off work to be there 100% for him, but was debating taking more time or working from home the 2nd week to still lend support. What do you think?
I'm so sorry you had to go through that. You shouldn't have had to ask for food or water..ever! I feel like anticipating those basic needs is the bare minimum.
How'd it go? My mom had surgery today and took out her ovaries will this apply to this too😰
Thank you so much! I can't tell you how much this video has helped me
Cool hair cut !
All it took was "you really need to not be annoyed with them" and there's the tears...
In the distant future, when I have my top surgery, my caretaker is probably going to be my nurse mother, and i pray she's chill about everything.
Did the stuff you experienced during recovery leave a lasting physical impact on you? Like with your hips and back?