I had an existential crisis.
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 29 มิ.ย. 2024
- This was a very personal and vulnerable thing to share, but I hope that by doing so it can encourage some people and maybe spark some good conversations. This channel is all about community, the journey, and the growth that happens therein. While it's scary to share this video, it's also exciting to be able to share this area of growth that has been so big in my life for the past of couple of years.
I'm excited for whatever conversations may happen, but I do ask that all comments are respectful of me and others as I know religious/spiritual topics can be divisive. Generally speaking, I think most of us are going about this crazy, unique experience of life in the best way we know how - learning and improving along the way - and we deserve grace for our journeys.
- Darcie
We'd love to hear from you in the comments. You are also welcome to message us directly on Passionfroot's IG if you'd like a more private conversation. And, as always, don’t forget to give this video a like and subscribe for more! 🥳
☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆
TIMESTAMPS:
00:00 a little introduction
01:28 My intentions for this video
03:29 Beginning the deconstruction timeline
07:29 The moment of crisis: Does God exist?
11:19 After the crisis
13:02 Seeking spiritual connection
17:09 Taking heaven off the table
19:18 Do I believe in God now?
21:28 I’m excited about this life phase
24:30 Hearing God’s voice
25:32 Exploring my spiritual journey through art
27:45 To wrap it all up…
☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆
⬇️ Find us in these places too! ⬇️
Instagram: / passionfroot.co
Tiktok: / passionfroot.co
Facebook: / passionfroot.collective
⬇️ If you want to connect with Darcie ⬇️
Instagram and TikTok - thatoneartist
TH-cam and Facebook - thatoneartist
www.darciedenton.com
linktr.ee/_thatoneartist_
☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆
Music:
In Her Orbit - Ennio Mano
The Jazz Messenger - Vendla
La Fille Sans Larmes - Lo Mimieux
Visible Nostalgia - Mathilde Skonare Karlsson
Coltsfoot - Rikard From
Coniferous - Jobii
Taradiddle Paradiddle - Jobii
Onthou - Ever So Blue
Salt Lamp - Jobii
How Easy It Would Be (Instrumental Version) - Niklas Gabrielsson with Martin Landstrom & His Orchestra
#deconstruction #spiritualjourney #existentialcrisis #passionfroot
Life is a series of journeys, and with each journey, we change, we grow. This is my first time here Thanks for sharing your intimate thoughts Darcy!
Thanks for stopping by!! Glad you got something out of the video :) -Darcie
@@PassionfrootCo Yes I did! 🙏
I feel like there's so much I could respond to in this video because I've gone through some similar stuff.
Heaven was always confusing to me and didn't seem like somewhere I'd want to go. What I, as a kid, understood to be the key promise of Christian life (marriage) was going to be taken away from you and then you would sing worship music (the worst kind of music) for eternity.
Encountering Christian apologists through books was a terrible experience if it was meant to be edifying to faith haha. By the time I was taking theology classes at the private Christian college I attended, I was checked out.
I'm not sure I ever "lost" faith. It seems more accurate to say that it never was a part of my life and so what constituted "deconstruction" for me was simply walking away from the community that reveled in it as a baseline for their life, something which I simply can't engage with.
I was taught that all religions are looking at the same thing, and I recently converted to the Catholic faith, which is sort of reversing the family teaching of universalism for a more orthodox way. So, the opposite of you in a way. Christianity always seemed off to me, but what I have found in the Catholic faith is so ancient and beautiful. I think what is important is intentionality and consciously choosing our faith, or lack of it, not as a way to defy parents (something I have allowed to guide me at times), or for some other reason, but as an active choice.
This was such a needed conversation and so beautifully presented 🧡. Thank you Darcie for giving a lot of our own personal thoughts and questions a voice and safe space to be engaged with. I felt less alone after this video and feel encouraged to continue exploring spirituality for myself and in community.
You’re so kind Adjoa! Thank you for watching 🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻
Darcy, thank you for sharing!!!🎉
Glad you enjoyed!
What a pleasant video. The title intrigued me, as I've been long captured by existential though, and I'm sitting here, nigh 2:30 ante meridiem, wanting to write about this interest of mine. I like the way you present all of this, it's really comfy, and your incitements to engage are nice, so here I am.
I'm not used to expressing myself publicly, although it's but a comment section, and I'm not a native speaker so excuse some idiosyncracies.
I concur with your 'thesis' statement in the beginning, that you just want to share your journey and not prescribe beliefs to people, 'cuz really that's all I've ever wanted to do, and here you created a nice space to do just so.
I too come from a Christian background, though far from the States, and have been exploring life for some time, however I have arrived at a much more cynical outlook, atheist I'd call it, and even though I don't enjoy barging into here with such different beliefs, or lack thereof, I still think there is some merit to sharing. Made a few notes, but I may have missed some things, I'm getting real tired.
Coincidentally, I've very recently had a discussion about beliefs and the existential with a group of friends, so it's great to the same appear on my recommended tab.
What surprised me was how... well everyone but me believed in some higher power, some form of spirituality, I guess, and wouldn't you know it, this same sentiment is present here. I hope I won't appear dismissive, because I subconsciously connect my atheist beliefs with insipid and not very nice reactions to religion, and because I really don't wish to break the openness of the few interactions I've seen here. Before delving into my beliefs I think some background would be quite fitting.
So I come from the middle of Europe, from a smaller slavic state with the name of Slovakia. I was brought up Christian, though not really inside of a community and my dad is an atheist, so only my mom brought any initiative, even that wasn't with much ferver, and I was quite free to wonder with my thoughts. My prayers mostly resemble what you mentioned in the vid, attempts at conversation manifesting in pleading monologue, going to church always seemed boring, and the stories and lessons were repetitive. I guess I am too wary of various social interactions because of my avoidant attachment, and maybe som more underlying issues, but I never felt much of a connection with the people there, though that could very much be a regional thing, and we just don't do religion very well here.
Instead of existing in a Christian bubble, the world seemed more self-contradictory, paradoxical, on one side Christianity, on the other a bunch of school subjects. I'm reducing religion here a lot, yes there's so much more to it than some factoids, the community, spirituality or the sense of connection (maybe there's a term for that) to God, morality, and whatnot... but I could never entirely escape the feeling that something isn't quite right.
What set off my journey was very tumultuous, so first I'd like to say: what a treat it would be to explore these questions within a loving community and spread out over time, passively learning.
Instead... no way to sugarcoat it, I met with the death of my grandma when I was 12... which let me down a spiral of many many doubts and questions and a bout of depression, don't recommend 0/10. What I find interesting is that in your journey, you say you set aside the aspect of heaven and hell. Your comment on the fear of loss was very relatable, but unfortunately for me, at that point I didn't really have a choice to prolong my 'ignorance', I had to confront what heaven means. And that was, for my faith, the breaking point. Took a while to digest, specially for my child brain, and that feeling of getting a rug pulled from under you was everpresent, again, wouldn't recommend.
I cannot ignore all other aspects of my approach ti religion then - I did rely a lot on wanting help from God, I was incredibly insecure, I did doubt a little the many stories told by the religion, I was examining the many religious folk, teachers mostly, and what they say, how I feel about that, - a whole cluster of slowly decommissioning parts of my Christianity. Nevertheless, it was heaven clashing with existential dread which ultimately turned me away.
I don't know if I should explore this in my comment, as really what is central to your journey is spirituality, the connection to something greater, and not... utter doubts... still, to me this was unavoidable, to be met with such a conundrum made it impossible to ignore any inconsistencies. Damn I sound pedantic.
I couldn't stand not knowing for sure, it ate me from within. I don't remember how exactly I got where I got, I only remember the nightly dimness and a lot of tears, and then my beliefs. I arrived at a conclusion, the most cynical there can be, that I cannot know whether heaven exists, and such need to work with two options and make a choice: either it does or it doesn't. If it does, good, I think, if it doesn't though... we have a problem, cuz there... well... Christianity sort of breaks if it doesn't exist. At least in my head it does. If I... understand it properly, Christianity promises eternal salvation for devotion and good behaviour while on Earth. I know the sentiment that one should ignore some of their needs is very medieval, but I did consider the God's opinion before acting most of the time, and I did tread carefully my opinions and worldview in accordance to my beliefs, which was... to some degree limiting. But met with the option that perhaps it is all for naught I couldn't just stop there... I had to get to the bottom of that thought. So I... made a final... postulation - it is possible that there is no heaven and thus all christian virtues lead to nothing, and implying that my earthly life is the only period of consciousness I will ever experience, so... I should... maybe start moving away from religion, and see life as important in and of itself.
That's a lotta text... not done yet, pardon.
To me this existential crisis was truly existential, not just a revisiting of my beliefs but their complete destruction in face of the absurd notion of nothingness. I spent a lot of thought on this, mostly alone, before ever consulting a book or the breadths of internet, which I find a little empowering - to have created a cohesive sense of reality, my own philosophy.
It's always so weird trying to discuss any of this, as there is so much to talk about before even getting to the meaty parts of what I want to say, and it always brings some vestigial bad taste in my mouth, reminiscent of those many reoccurring crises. If you have read this far, and have any questions about my beliefs, as this was... very... vague, and only introductory, feel free to ask. I know it's probably overwhelming at this point, but hey, I'd also like to discuss these things, am relatively passionate about this.
Continuing I have one thing I have to talk about, from my perspective: the connection to something spiritual. In the video you spent some time talking about it, and I really enjoy the perspective of connecting through art, very interesting. I have to assent that being in nature is incredible, there is some sense of peace and belonging that is hard to put into words. But I cannot fathom that these feelings are that of... a connection to someone or something. I mean... I get it... but to me it's but a... normal? emotion. Normal in the sense that it is indeed human, by design, and exists naturally, how else, still - it is a great amount... profound. I think that's the best way to put it - profound, all these moments of connection to you, and reminders of the existential human condition to me are profound in their nature. I couldn't ascribe these feelings a semblance of connection as I've explored them from a completely different lens, but I think think I'm experiencing something similar when I go through it.
Oh there's so much more to talk about, but it's too late, and I'm lost in thought. I'd love to talk more, I hope that my different perspective will fit, though I'm aware I sometimes struggle to write all that well, excuse my egregious amount of words, and I hope my poor insight and shared journey were captivating enough to justify reading.
Have a nice rest of your day!
Wow.....first of all, I want to thank you for the time and thought poured into this response! And secondly, let me assure you that it was indeed worth reading and very interesting to me to hear your perspective. I don't think I can do justice to all the topics and points you covered with my response, but know that I read and thought about each and every word.
Something that stuck out to me was your observation that Christianity is centered around the existence of heaven. I agree AND disagree with this statement. I think heaven is so easy and appealing for Christians to focus on, and at least modern Christianity has made it into the POINT of Christianity. "Be a Christian so you can be saved" and so on. Christians (I include myself or at least my past self in this) sometimes even go so far as seeing the earth and everything that happens on it as a lost cause. Because...why should earthly things matter if it's all going to be destroyed anyway? And why should we put mental energy into trying to make the world better when the bible says it's just going to get worse and worse until Jesus comes again?
...And I think this is such a harmful mindset. Yes, heaven is pretty core to the Christian message, but I don't think it's supposed to be at the center. And I miiiight even argue that Christianity as a belief system and way of life still stands if heaven doesn't exist (this is hard for even me to write because I've gotten so much comfort out of the thought of "a future eternal, perfect life" for so many years). Let me explain...
In my journey as a Christian, and even while I've had these major questions that could make or break that belief, I've come to see that the Christian message - as it should be - centers around love and relationship, with God being the embodiment of that (because even if I feel like I could make an argument for Christianity without heaven, I don't think I could make an argument for it without God/Jesus). To really live out that message of love, the true Christian mindset I think should be focused on the HERE and NOW instead of an abstract, promised future. Instead of asking how can we save souls, we should be asking how can we grow love in our lives, how can we grow and cultivate our communities and show love to others, how can we show love to the earth and live in wholeness and harmony. Even if it's just an effort we can make in our local, immediate community, by living this life of love in the here and now, we can do so much more than trying to coax people into Christianity through fear and the promise of eternal life. That's NOT the point and that was NEVER the point.
It may sound a bit silly for me to be speaking so passionately about Christianity when I myself am questioning its validity and the very existence of God, but as I said in the video, I still really love the true Christian message as I've come to understand it. This is unfortunately not we we are seeing from Christians on a broad scale. And I believe there are many harmful teachings within Christianity (for example, I could never get on board with the idea that "sinners will burn forever." I could never make that make sense with the idea that God is a God of love. And I still have a bit of a hard time with the idea that heaven is only for those who accept God. Yeah...this is why I had to mentally take heaven out of the picture lol...). But I feel that I've been raised with a healthy view of God, and my deconstruction comes less from a place of cognitive dissonance and more from a place of existentialist thought and question.
I definitely got stuck on this one topic you brought up, so if there were any others you wanted to hear my response to, please let me know!
- Darcie
I've never, ever in my life heard someone speak so much without actually saying anything.
People may be listening just because she is so cute.
I would love to hear about everyone else's journeys!
I’m seriously at a very similar point in my faith journey. I’ve really started to doubt the past few months after growing up in a Christian setting. Struggling to know how it’s possible that I was raised with the “right” beliefs and struggling to even know if God is real. Reckoning with the brokenness of the church, especially the Church in the US, has been very difficult. It’s really helpful to know that there are other people processing similar things. I love Mary Oliver, painting, and reading too! They have helped me feel closer to whatever it is out there even though I would also label myself as a Christian.
Thank you for sharing your story.
@@kylaroades2012 what you just voiced really echoes a lot of what’s been going through my head as well! Especially the whole “growing up with the ‘right’ beliefs” thing….I like to believe that if you genuinely seek God and/or truth, truth will meet you in your search. And you grow so much along the way too. I was fortunate enough to grow up with a really beautiful image of God/Love, and that’s what I would like to believe in. But I’m just continuing to take the time I need and do the exploration I need to do. And I wish YOU all the best in your own journey. Don’t lose heart! Being human is kind of all about “not knowing” and simultaneously getting to discover and learn as you go through life. It can be scary and exciting and fulfilling all at the same time!
Sooo I clicked on this video the second I saw it, I think because I have felt so alone in my journey. Everyone I've tried to talk to about it in my life just kind of brushes it off, although I really need to talk about the possibly most important aspect of every living thing. I don't know how to put my thoughts into words very well so bear with me. I grew up in a Christian household, going to church and having my religion made for me. I never felt very connected to Christianity or enjoyed participating in church, prayer, or anything of the sort, however, I was a super creative kid so I did love making art and being outside. Throughout middle and high school I also never thought deeply about religion but just said I was Christian because that's what I was told was the only right thing and the reality growing up. About a year or so ago I took a Geology class at college and spent many nights up late doing homework and studying the earth's formation and creation. I had been watching videos from different religious/spiritual perspectives and felt connected to more so one's belief in everything being energy and the connection we all have by being made of energy(it made more sense to me being a science lover than a powerful man-being deciding my fate). Staying up late to cram for tests about matter(observable universe material) and trying to figure out what I really am in comparison to all that surrounds me and everyone else. Trying to understand how all these atoms made of even smaller things came to form such specific things and make up the whole universe or if I am even real or a completely different something of infinite possibilities like a figment of someone's imagination or a character in a video game type thing for example. Let me tell ya, these questions do not mix well with lack of sleep. After questioning it by myself and asking a few close people but getting no answers, I was at work trying to comprehend how life is real and spiraled into an existential breakdown while hyperventilating and crying uncontrollably(girl at work that's embarrassing come on now). I got some sleep and had a few other conversations about it with people but life got pretty busy after that so I was distracted for a while even though it did creep into my mind every now and then. I learned a bit more about other religions and I don't know if religion is something I could follow. I will say I was very scared also about the concept of heaven and hell and thought maybe I should just keep "believing" so I go to heaven. I also felt that concept was holding me back. Doing more research, reading books, and poetry, meditating, and going for walks, I have felt more at peace with who I am and what I am in this life. I like the Taoism belief that "all living creatures ought to live in a state of harmony with the universe, and the energy found in it," so a form of balance. The main thing I choose to believe in is love, specifically finding it in everything, and how it really does shape a fulfilled life. I got recommended some work by Bruce Lipton recently and I really loved his explanation of what the afterlife is from a scientific perspective. He uses simple stories to explain his studies. I'm also getting into my divine feminine and what that is to me because I know I do feel connected to something when I am around or am myself an empowering, strong, creative woman. Anywho, I've never written a comment so lengthy but this really resonated with me so thank you for making this. I wish I had found it during my first breakdown lol. I feel just in the middle of my journey so maybe I'll be back with an update in a few years.
hey! really enjoyed your video.
just wanted to share a little bit of my personal experience if that's ok. I apologize in advance for my poor English, it's not my first language.
I didn't grow up religious, my parents are atheists and so is my sister; but every now and then I'd get the feeling that there's something more. I never really talked about it because it felt embarrassing; it felt like I was being irrational and emotional in a negative way, but I decided to read about religion and God.
--
edit:
This is already too long, but real quick, just wanted to give some context:
I'm a physicist, and my parents are engineers and it appears my sister will be one too. I grew up around love for rationality and things of that nature; so talking about a God that works through unsolvable mysteries was looked down upon.
--
turns out even though I'm not a big fan of religion, I have now faith in God. when I understood what God (at least from my point of view) is, it felt like something could flow through me. Something that connected me to everything.
It is truly great.
to me, God feels a lot like time. it flows through everything and it's effect might manifest differently on each person. the passing of time also feels different to everyone, and from what I hear from older people, it feels different to the same person as they age and change. Although differently to time, in my experience, God helps us when asked to.
It is very hard to explain, and I don't feel like I'm doing justice to the feeling, but maybe I was able to express a little bit of how I see spirituality.
this might be a life long journey, and the feeling of God might change, but in my experience it has always been good. That's why I hope you find what God feels like to you.
I also hope you're having a nice day.
Thank you so much for sharing. I grew up in evangelicalism myself, a very fundamentalist strain. I have left Christianity but discovered God (for lack of a better word). Mysticism is a means of knowing rather than believing. There are ways to know by direct experience. If your heart longs for truth and the true God, you will seek and you will find.
Thank you for being so open and real. It takes courage.