Nailed it. I've been low key watching a lot of your vids on dismissive avoidance because I am so drawn to them as an anxious preoccupied. This really helped me see my part of the equation. Thank you! I'm now a subscriber!
Im excited to learn shadow work. It makes sense more than praying to a silent, vague God or medicating my inexplicable emotional loops away... or trying to use a person as a ‘drug.’ Now to only find that time machine i had stashed away... thank you Thais. Humans have evolved to learn and change, to recognize patterns and improve if necessary. Repression and shame obviously does not work often. I hope many people, especially men, watch these and become more accepting of their own emotions and not feel defective.
I'm actually curious and would like more detail on what attracts the fearful avoidant to the anxious preoccupied in terms of the shadow. I'm guessing it's the ability to put others first, the ability to 'love' without reservation, the ability to commit... What else?
The ability to show up and be consistent. As a FA, I have a best friend who is AP, her availability and consistency/transparency in terms of communication was huge. Also a little triggering at times 😂.
For me, not so much. It was more that I was attracted to men like my dad. A similar dynamic, so when I truly realized that I deserved more things changed.
Thais, it's so wonderful to listen to you! Perhaps I am mistaken but it seems to me that you are talking a little slower, and it's a joy because now I can process the valuable things you so generously share with us so much better! I'm a straight woman so my compliments are not supposed to be creepy, lol. I just wish to say that I think you are extraordinarily talented, a psychologist almost like in the old days, a true scholar and intellectual with razor sharp analytical qualities who lives and breathes their craft and weaves the fabric of their knowledge further and further organically rather than just statically reciting what once was learned from books a while ago. You are not only helping us, but you are an inspiration. After every video I have the feeling my mind just took a refreshing shower! It's just a joy to listen to you, thank you for everything you are doing! Also, please never apologize for the talking speed or allowing for your thoughts to explore tangential subjects, both are a sign of your enthusiasm, inspiration and intelligence, you have a way to unfold these analytical thoughts that is alive and creative, and that's just amazing!
For anyone who's interested: an adjacent approach to shadow / inner-child work is the alienation or dissociation of parts à la Drs. Kathy Steele and Janina Fisher.
Ive always been confused about something...how come sometimes we're subconsciously attracted to someone exhibiting traits in our shadow, but sometimes we're subconsciously triggered by someone else exhibiting those same shadow traits and immediately dont like that person?
it´s all about the positive versus negative emotional associations that we´ve made to that trait! When we are attracted and infatuated with someone else expressing some repressed traits within ourselves it´s because we have built in many positive emotional associations about that trait itself, but we have disown said trait, because we are not owning the trait and recognizing that we also have it, though maybe in different forms, either behaviorally or perceptually. I know it can be a little mind warpy, but hopefully it does make sense!
I think I finally noticed what suppressed me, I’m in college now but freshman year of high school I was always called a fuck boy even though I was a virgin and didn’t know what that meant.. I associated that put down with me just being confident and now I suffer from a lack of confidence.. it’s time to let my Younger self out
I met someone whom I happened to pick up on the fact that they were extremely vulnerable. It somehow made me extremely attracted to them. I think it's been such a repressed side of me. The attraction was so much that it hurt. This video is such an eye opener! I really need more answers.
Wow, Thais, talk about a breakthrough video....amazing explanation of the shadow! You are always opening doors for us and leading the way to self-insight. Your enthusiasm for helping others is beautiful!
Thank you Thais! I know what shadow work is from reading about It, circa 30 years ago or more, then from going through two-year women/spiritual process where we read "The Shadow King" by Sidra Stone, with weekend processes and writing papers around with shadows in mind. Throughout this learning process, I have also learned about and practice noticing projections. I always hunger for more of this work bringing peace, due to the release from unconscious bondage it brings. Hence, I am delighted with this video! In addition, you described almost exactly the feeling I had over a man, with whom I was enchanted almost 4 years ago. Boy did that go badly! I am still processing my/his projections!! This experience has been useful for me to learn more about what a secure person would do in such a healthy, loving relationship. Thank you for your work her!
Thank you so so much for doing these videos! Please post a video about "Golden Shadow" really interested to see how this is affecting me. Also, is this in the Advanced Anxious Attachment Style Course?
This is me all the way. I am only 20% AA and 50% secure and this allowance of aelfiahness is always in romantic relationships. It's like I am secure in every way until I am in love then I am a human carpet and just HAVE TO get someone to love me who is not in as much as I am. I am frustrated beyond measure at this. How can I change it? I am a member of the school. If I could change one thing about me it would be to attract and be attracted to men who show up equally. Any suggestions Thais?
I think I do tend towards the anxious-preoccupied while my (now ex) tended towards avoidant. My previous relationship was the same, except I chased so much. This time, there wasn't nearly as much chasing, it was more like, let's make it work, but right now we're not emotionally connected so unless we figure it out, we should separate. However, when I first met her she did not seem like that. She seemed much more outgoing and emotionally available and abundant. That's what drew me in, and then suddenly, there was this sudden withdrawal of investment by her. And then since then, it seems like the relationship was on a decline and I'm trying to adjust my level of investment due to my insecurity starting to rise. I do find that meeting in person, our interaction dynamic definitely changed, and I did feel walls go up, perhaps to prevent me from becoming more and more invested. What's your take on that? How do you avoid someone who is avoidant, but due to their own strategies, can appear non-avoidant? And about my walls going up, from what I've read, it's a defense mechanism against emotionally unsafe people. What's your take on that? Whereas anxiety about someone was once an indicator of attraction, now it's an indicator of danger.
I'm FA and he's AP. I asked this question to several experts: are AP also emotionally unavailable? And the answer was yes, despite your perception is the opposite. I'm working so hard on changing my attachment style and so far he hasn't shown real availability to work on his side of the street. So...yes he is all in when there's no real inner work to do and to him everything is fine, but when it comes to true commitment and do the hard work, then it's too much. So...I'm just going to keep working on myself.
Hi Thais! Love your videos as always. This just came to me while listening but I was wondering if it's possible to make a series on the attachment styles and online dating? I'm not exactly sure how you can structure it. Maybe superficial attraction? What gets them to swipe right or swipe left? Possibility of something deeper happening? I honestly don't know but it would be interesting if you can come up with content on that. Especially during these lockdown times.
I keep getting attracted to emotionally unavailable or cold and bit arrogant/selfish guys.. it causes me pain because they don't show up as I want them to in a relationship. I can't help it cuz I'm attracted to that and it's sub conscious. Yes, I've dated DA and experienced what u said in the video. Is it possible to get rid of this pattern
yes of course! These are not who you are at your core. You can clear negative core beliefs that are recreating a lot of these things for you. Do you know your attachment style? If you do, you should go to the playlist for your style and soak up as much tools and tips as you can. Also the courses in the Personal development school are designed to help you with exactly what you are looking to fix. - PDS team member
Thais, what if I’m very attracted to people who are like-minded? For example I’m growth driven and feel very attracted by men who have the same need. Is it still an aspect of the shadow? 🌺
I believe she's talking about the shadow also existing in needs and desires, not just traits... so needs and desires that we got taught as bad or shameful, or we picked up a belief along the way that ours are negative.... we will repress those needs and desires. - PDS team member
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool Thank you for the response and the great content. So our shadow is just our repressed self, get it. I struggle with whether my needs are authentic or due to my AA tendencies hence my excitement with the comment. Do all insecure attachment styles have repressed needs, traits, and desires? Are they the reciprocals of each? Does this explain the AA/DA attraction?
No offense but some people are actually Not trying to win that person's approval they just were never taught boundaries or how to have healthy relationships and how to choose a partner from the opposite gender. 👀
FAs are selfless until they perceive and imbalance just like the AP but when they are in dynamics with APs rather than DAs, they will act out the avoidant role.
Nailed it. I've been low key watching a lot of your vids on dismissive avoidance because I am so drawn to them as an anxious preoccupied. This really helped me see my part of the equation. Thank you! I'm now a subscriber!
@Tonya oh are you saying it's cause you're sooo selfless you keep attracting selfish men?
Never apologize for your exquisite passion 💙
Im excited to learn shadow work. It makes sense more than praying to a silent, vague God or medicating my inexplicable emotional loops away... or trying to use a person as a ‘drug.’ Now to only find that time machine i had stashed away... thank you
Thais. Humans have evolved to learn and change, to recognize patterns and improve if necessary. Repression and shame obviously does not work often. I hope many people, especially men, watch these and become more accepting of their own emotions and not feel defective.
I love how you say "ok" :) I'm addicted to your videos
Hmkay!
@@francielebischoff7895 Hehe
the "really attracted" or "really bothered" is so true 😅 i feel always embarrassed when i notice this in me but I'm working on it~
My last relationships made me take a look at myself. All my relationships were with avoidents.
I'm actually curious and would like more detail on what attracts the fearful avoidant to the anxious preoccupied in terms of the shadow. I'm guessing it's the ability to put others first, the ability to 'love' without reservation, the ability to commit... What else?
The ability to show up and be consistent. As a FA, I have a best friend who is AP, her availability and consistency/transparency in terms of communication was huge. Also a little triggering at times 😂.
For me, not so much. It was more that I was attracted to men like my dad. A similar dynamic, so when I truly realized that I deserved more things changed.
Thais, it's so wonderful to listen to you! Perhaps I am mistaken but it seems to me that you are talking a little slower, and it's a joy because now I can process the valuable things you so generously share with us so much better! I'm a straight woman so my compliments are not supposed to be creepy, lol. I just wish to say that I think you are extraordinarily talented, a psychologist almost like in the old days, a true scholar and intellectual with razor sharp analytical qualities who lives and breathes their craft and weaves the fabric of their knowledge further and further organically rather than just statically reciting what once was learned from books a while ago. You are not only helping us, but you are an inspiration. After every video I have the feeling my mind just took a refreshing shower! It's just a joy to listen to you, thank you for everything you are doing! Also, please never apologize for the talking speed or allowing for your thoughts to explore tangential subjects, both are a sign of your enthusiasm, inspiration and intelligence, you have a way to unfold these analytical thoughts that is alive and creative, and that's just amazing!
Thais, your glow is real today!!! You look spectacular ✨
This is soooo enlightening!!!
Glad this had a good impact on you Hope! - PDS team member
For anyone who's interested: an adjacent approach to shadow / inner-child work is the alienation or dissociation of parts à la Drs. Kathy Steele and Janina Fisher.
Im 37, but just discovered Ive been dealing with AA with all my previous relationships. This is so revealing. Im in awe how accurate all of this is !
I am so so soooooo glad I found your channel
Thank you Delia! We are happy you are here. - PDS team member
Ive always been confused about something...how come sometimes we're subconsciously attracted to someone exhibiting traits in our shadow, but sometimes we're subconsciously triggered by someone else exhibiting those same shadow traits and immediately dont like that person?
it´s all about the positive versus negative emotional associations that we´ve made to that trait! When we are attracted and infatuated with someone else expressing some repressed traits within ourselves it´s because we have built in many positive emotional associations about that trait itself, but we have disown said trait, because we are not owning the trait and recognizing that we also have it, though maybe in different forms, either behaviorally or perceptually. I know it can be a little mind warpy, but hopefully it does make sense!
Thanks for the life changing profundity. I'm gonna rethink my whole life now.
I think I finally noticed what suppressed me, I’m in college now but freshman year of high school I was always called a fuck boy even though I was a virgin and didn’t know what that meant.. I associated that put down with me just being confident and now I suffer from a lack of confidence.. it’s time to let my
Younger self out
I met someone whom I happened to pick up on the fact that they were extremely vulnerable. It somehow made me extremely attracted to them. I think it's been such a repressed side of me. The attraction was so much that it hurt. This video is such an eye opener! I really need more answers.
Wow, Thais, talk about a breakthrough video....amazing explanation of the shadow! You are always opening doors for us and leading the way to self-insight. Your enthusiasm for helping others is beautiful!
Wow. This is incredibly powerful stuff. Thank you!
Thank you so very much! You're a bless to the world!!❤❤❤❤
Love it! Really helpful.
Thank you Thais! I know what shadow work is from reading about It, circa 30 years ago or more, then from going through two-year women/spiritual process where we read "The Shadow King" by Sidra Stone, with weekend processes and writing papers around with shadows in mind. Throughout this learning process, I have also learned about and practice noticing projections. I always hunger for more of this work bringing peace, due to the release from unconscious bondage it brings. Hence, I am delighted with this video!
In addition, you described almost exactly the feeling I had over a man, with whom I was enchanted almost 4 years ago. Boy did that go badly! I am still processing my/his projections!! This experience has been useful for me to learn more about what a secure person would do in such a healthy, loving relationship. Thank you for your work her!
Gosh, this is so important, I really needed to hear this
Thais is determined to save people like me. Thank you so much
Thank you so so much for doing these videos! Please post a video about "Golden Shadow" really interested to see how this is affecting me. Also, is this in the Advanced Anxious Attachment Style Course?
ANOTHER FANTASTIC VIDEO!!!
Wow. This was really good.
Super helpful as always
Very interesting, open to learning more
This is me all the way. I am only 20% AA and 50% secure and this allowance of aelfiahness is always in romantic relationships. It's like I am secure in every way until I am in love then I am a human carpet and just HAVE TO get someone to love me who is not in as much as I am. I am frustrated beyond measure at this. How can I change it? I am a member of the school. If I could change one thing about me it would be to attract and be attracted to men who show up equally. Any suggestions Thais?
Hey Thais! Great video, I would definitely love to know how the shadow can take place in the form of our needs and desires :)
Thank you! Just what I asked for! The best parts are always the ones where you go off on tantrums ;)
I think I do tend towards the anxious-preoccupied while my (now ex) tended towards avoidant. My previous relationship was the same, except I chased so much. This time, there wasn't nearly as much chasing, it was more like, let's make it work, but right now we're not emotionally connected so unless we figure it out, we should separate.
However, when I first met her she did not seem like that. She seemed much more outgoing and emotionally available and abundant. That's what drew me in, and then suddenly, there was this sudden withdrawal of investment by her. And then since then, it seems like the relationship was on a decline and I'm trying to adjust my level of investment due to my insecurity starting to rise. I do find that meeting in person, our interaction dynamic definitely changed, and I did feel walls go up, perhaps to prevent me from becoming more and more invested.
What's your take on that? How do you avoid someone who is avoidant, but due to their own strategies, can appear non-avoidant? And about my walls going up, from what I've read, it's a defense mechanism against emotionally unsafe people. What's your take on that? Whereas anxiety about someone was once an indicator of attraction, now it's an indicator of danger.
I'm FA and he's AP. I asked this question to several experts: are AP also emotionally unavailable? And the answer was yes, despite your perception is the opposite. I'm working so hard on changing my attachment style and so far he hasn't shown real availability to work on his side of the street. So...yes he is all in when there's no real inner work to do and to him everything is fine, but when it comes to true commitment and do the hard work, then it's too much. So...I'm just going to keep working on myself.
Hi Thais! Love your videos as always. This just came to me while listening but I was wondering if it's possible to make a series on the attachment styles and online dating?
I'm not exactly sure how you can structure it. Maybe superficial attraction? What gets them to swipe right or swipe left? Possibility of something deeper happening? I honestly don't know but it would be interesting if you can come up with content on that. Especially during these lockdown times.
I keep getting attracted to emotionally unavailable or cold and bit arrogant/selfish guys.. it causes me pain because they don't show up as I want them to in a relationship. I can't help it cuz I'm attracted to that and it's sub conscious. Yes, I've dated DA and experienced what u said in the video. Is it possible to get rid of this pattern
yes of course! These are not who you are at your core. You can clear negative core beliefs that are recreating a lot of these things for you. Do you know your attachment style? If you do, you should go to the playlist for your style and soak up as much tools and tips as you can. Also the courses in the Personal development school are designed to help you with exactly what you are looking to fix. - PDS team member
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool I'm looking at joining the course.. do u not have PayPal for those who are not in US to make payments
@@neetu7151 Hi Neetu, if you wouldn't mind emailing info@personaldevelopmentschool.com they can help you get set up there from outside the US.
Soooo good Thais
Thais, what if I’m very attracted to people who are like-minded? For example I’m growth driven and feel very attracted by men who have the same need. Is it still an aspect of the shadow? 🌺
Are you Secure attachment maybe?
@@mikediz5900 I def got more secure over the last 9 months since I joined the PDS, but I am not sure it's this :-)
Haha, my subconscious goes "Oooh!" a lot..! 😂
Please start a TikTok account!! My attention span is terrible and I’d find them easier to watch 💗
Wait! That last comment about our needs and desires being our shadow. So my needs and desires are not real? I really can’t figure this out.
I believe she's talking about the shadow also existing in needs and desires, not just traits... so needs and desires that we got taught as bad or shameful, or we picked up a belief along the way that ours are negative.... we will repress those needs and desires. - PDS team member
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool Thank you for the response and the great content. So our shadow is just our repressed self, get it. I struggle with whether my needs are authentic or due to my AA tendencies hence my excitement with the comment. Do all insecure attachment styles have repressed needs, traits, and desires? Are they the reciprocals of each? Does this explain the AA/DA attraction?
We are attracted to what we suppress. 🤔 And that's a golden nugget telling you something. Why do you keep attracting the same guys.
This is off-topic, but you look really good in light colors!
No offense but some people are actually Not trying to win that person's approval they just were never taught boundaries or how to have healthy relationships and how to choose a partner from the opposite gender. 👀
Oh so AP are more selfless and DA and FA's are more selfish.
FAs are selfless until they perceive and imbalance just like the AP but when they are in dynamics with APs rather than DAs, they will act out the avoidant role.
Talking way to fast