It’s very healthy to express this ! I have taken breaks and disconnected from many people who were not contributing in a healthy way to my life….gotta protect your energy.
MOST PEOPLE DO NOT UNDERSTAND THIS. I LOVE BEING THE STRONG FRIEND BUT I HAVE TO BE STRONG FOR MYSELF AND WHO WILL BE MY STRENGTH WHEN I NEED IT. THOSE WHO I HAVE BEEN THEIR STRENGTH TURNED AGAINST ME.
Speak on it. I put up strong boundaries. I stopped bringing gifts to parties and stopped getting invites. Someone mentioned that they missed my parties. I thought, I bet you do. I provided the house, food, alcohol, and entertainment. Friendship is reciprocal. I'm being strong for my bestfriend, ME. The peace is priceless. I pray the same for everyone. Justin I pray for your health and peace of mind.
Wow, I totally agree with this. Although I have never been seen as the fat friend I'm a brown skin black woman and being the provision to so many people and it's draining. They come in your house and eat your food and spend your energy but NEVER reciprocate. I'm always the ones bringing gifts and being the giver. I got married in September and none of my so called friends that I've given and sacrificed for showed up for me when I needed them. I got dumped by my bridesmaids when I started asking them to fulfill bridesmaid duties 🥴🥴🫠🫠 like why did you accept being a bridesmaid.... But when I'm giving you something or sitting on the phone listening to you and giving you something you are present 🙃🙃
When I turned 40 I stopped caring about what other people's needs and wants were, unless it was my kids. You will reach that point one day and when you do it is so freeing. The power of NO is phenomenal.
When I say I agree, you just don't know. I am over here dealing with my own stuff and everyone that I interact with wants to dump their crap on me. I used to check on my folks to make sure everyone was ok. Knowing my own situation wasn't ideal and realized these folks thought I could be their babysitter, ATM, therapist, cheerleader, etc. Nobody had time to check on me, but when I went missing, its like their lives fell apart. It took me a while to realize so much was asked of me and none of it was reciprocated. Too much was being expected of me, so I simply ceased communication with the energy vampires in my life. I am still tired.
@@seriouslytho5783 Congratulations I had to cease a New friendship because I recognized the signs of Arsehole behaviour. As an Empath, I felt guilty but you have to put you first and understand that this person is not for you. Good People Love and Uplift each other. Sending you lots and lots of Love and strength from London England. Thank you for sharing ❤❤❤❤
@@seriouslytho5783 congratulations on your sobriety of 12years. It's not an easy journey. Don't apologize for needing your peace of mind. Those who are for you would want you to have self-care. 🤸🤸🏾♀️
I am the strong friend, but I don’t have anybody to turn to when I need them most. So proud of you Justin for speaking your truth, and sharing your vulnerabilities. I ❤ you. Keep being authentic!
I'm the strong friend....but I'm light skinned and small. I think it falls on the smarter more ACCOMPLISHED friend sometimes. People see you doing "well" and think you have it all together.
Yes, this has happened to me. People get cut off because I'm not your personal savings account or therapist....Preach!!! As I get older, I like staying to myself. I don't want to know, I don't want to be included, nothing.
Omg IM GOING THRU THIS NOW!! I'm tired!! I just went off on everybody literally because they drain me. Everybody vent to me but who's there when I need to vent? NOBODY ..or I get told "oh you're strong..you'll figure it out, depression is in your mind". I'm tired of ppl thinking a friend is supposed to be their mother, or their baby daddy etc and if I'm busy or need time for my mental health IM WRONG OR A BAD FRIEND OR SISTER! I'm no longer letting ppl gas light me or make me feel like I'm crazy or tripping because they expect more outta me than what they give in return. Sheesh .....I really needed this
This is how felt when I decided to end a friendship with my college best friend. She was so extroverted unlike me and I really admired that. She was charismatic and the life of the party and only really showed her negative aspects to me. I just couldn’t understand why when she was down I was the only one there yet she would go party with all these people. I ended the friendship and it’s been nothing but peace sense but it still hurts knowing you are only there to nurture them then they go give their best selves to people who drain them.
I'm going through this exact situation rn. I constantly hear, "You're the only one I can trust. Everyone else is fake." I don't ever wanna be the only person you can trust. That's too much pressure. After awhile I began to wonder if I'm really the sucker in the situation for maintaining a friendship with a extroverted person that brings me bad news while they bring everyone else their best.
We can't go on being the strong family member either. It's not healthy to be everyone's safe haven while neglecting to find our own. "Loyalty to others is a betrayal of oneself."-Fang Yuan
I'm thinking this resonates with so many of us. We literally give others our all and get left drained and depleted with nobody there to replenish us! I get it, I stopped being an emotional tampon and an 🏧, goes for family too!
I learned the hard way about being the strong friend. When I was diagnosed with Lupus in 2012, I saw who my REAL friends were. When I shook the tree, I left it dam near bare! But those who hung on to the branches are the real deal. And I am so blessed to have rid myself of the false smile, the constant needy, the whining and the 2 faced. I was the person that lit up the room. The party didn't start till I got there! When I wasn't able to physically go out and do the things I used to do, people started disappearing. But I have a new life now. I'm still that fun amazing person I've always been, but I share it first, with myself, and those who really know me. I travel and make new experiences for myself. I entertain with those who really want to be there with me for real, for real! The old acquaintances see me cruising, flying off to different cities and countries or hosting a get together, suddenly I get the call or inbox message. For what? I'm doing fine! Sometimes it takes something hurtful or hard to bear to set ourselves free.
My new motto with ppl when they call about their problems is to asks “are you calling for advice or to vent so I know how to act accordingly”. Once I realize most ppl aren’t looking to change I no longer carry their issues. I smh and don’t even think about it again.
This happens to me ALL the time! I’ve had people say, “your like the brother I never had” and I’m just sitting thinking, “I don’t want to be your dam brother, but ok sure if that makes you feel good.”. A lot of us dark skinned gay men and women get pigeon held into this roles and I stand it.
Shout out to Momma Linda ✈️ 🛩 she coming to love on her baby. It takes time to get out of the darkness, but the light will shine again. And yes, being "the strong friend" is a burden because everyone will use you as their emotional dumping ground. Once you are burdened with their stress, they discard you to go enjoy "happy" moments with everyone else. I had to quit too, it's hard.
You don't have to be strong. If you aren't in a position to hold emotional space for someone else YOU DON'T HAVE TO. The real friends will stay around the ones who were using you will fall to way side.
I was just talking to my therapist about this. I'm so dang drained and I'm tired of giving. Because its in my nature to give, for a long time I thought it was normal to feel this way and felt guilty about wanting to stop giving. Not anymore! I value my peace above all. I've had to fend for myself emotionally and physically because I can't rely on ppl the way they rely on me. So I've pulled back and let them disappear.
This is such a great conversation. Over the last year, I’ve been practicing not being the strong friend, or family member due to the emotional labor, and sometimes financial. What I’ve found is that those relationships were absolutely conditional on me filling those roles of labor, and when they could no longer exploit my kindness, they saw it as being disrespectful. I really don’t even care because I am happy, unbothered, and not drained. It’s sad that there may be people in your life that literally wants you to put their needs before your own.
I was literally just saying this because I forgot my friends baby birthday and I felt so bad but I’m literally struggling with surviving right now. I can’t even really be a good friend at the moment but I hope they still love me 😢
I don’t have friendships for a similar reason. I’ve noticed that being deformed or disabled also cause you to be leaned on by others. I get the feeling people think I should be glad that they would even allow me in their space. So, I get used for my resources
Totally valid ❤ nobody wants to feel like their “friends” are putting them on a shelf, contacting you when they need a favor or a therapy session but then neglecting to see you as a full fledged person ! I’m glad you’re standing up for yourself and I hope you feel greater peace of mind in the upcoming weeks ✨
Wow i definitely had a friend who would constantly call me and dumb ALL her problems on me and when i’d once out of a million told her a problem of mine she’d laugh or be like “thats not a big deal” and start back talking about her problems that were basically always men problems 🥴 i cut her off 3 years ago and im soo happy and at peace! Miss her sometimes but im good on her
It’s crazy that you put this out today because I was just feeling this way. I’m the person that everyone comes to with their problems, but as soon as I need that should/ear..everyone has a life and can’t talk. I was just saying to myself that since I stopped reaching out to check on others, nobody has checked on me. Sometimes we just need a break.
I’m retired from that role. 🙋🏾♀️ When I’m going through it, I have one friend who can get a prayer through but that’s it. When I’m stressed my body shuts down
Not sure if I'm ready for this conversation/reality check but it's definitely needed. Thank you for starting this conversation. You are not alone with these thoughts. 💛
Meanwhile I have no friends lol. My sister however is going through something similar with her friends. She has to be there for them in whatever ways they want or she's a bad friend. They never consider her life
Justin you are not alone at all! I remember feeling hurt when I realized some ppl called me off the hook when they had issues but when everything was good and they didn’t need me for anything, they had their friends they were having fun with.. I learned to pull back from ppl like that because I was emotionally drained. And sad because it did hurt me. I hate being looked at as the strong friend with all the answers, I’m just human..
Justin, you are just exhausted. Those type of friends are draining. Take time away from those type of so called friends. Tell them, "I need space". " I need a break". You do not have to suffer to appease people. They are taking advantage of you. Love you❤❤❤❤
Wow! This must be why I dont have any friends. I deliberately don’t keep people around me, as a darker brown skinned large women, I could clearly see there was a social place for me but I completely refuse to accept the position given to me. I am worthy of so so much more. Others can feel this ‘confidence’ about me and don’t like it. They often try to remind me of my position in society and attempt to assign me tasks to ‘redeem’ myself within society. Whether its being an emotional punching bag or doing physical labour. You may get me once but that is all. I am not your skivvy. Boundaries are necessary, however many of us weren’t taught boundaries. Please don’t let people use you. Its negative reinforcement for them if you do, and you will only feel worse about yourself. Peace and love ❤✌🏾
You are literally at the best point to change this “strong friend” programming. Being tired, depressed and fed up can help see clearly which behaviours led to this point and make you question certain damaging beliefs that you adopted growing up. Focus on yourself, you are not responsible for other people’s well-being. You are responsible for yourself and yourself only! Keep working and getting the support you need and fill up your own cup first 🙏🏾
I was the strong friend, but I gave up my strong friend card in 2020. Never regretted it. To this day, never had a friend who matched my energy. They still mad and will continue to be MAD 😂😂😂
I was diagnosed w/ADHD in 2007. I’ve found it can be your super power if understood and controlled. Don’t let anyone tell you different. I also suffer from depression. It gets the better of me sometimes, too (like now). Though you do need to think of yourself, I want to thank you for this video…you did it just for me. God bless you, Justin. Your growth story has been phenomenal. Continue in your journey. You are loved!
@@cherrylaffy Sweetie, listen, I could choose to roast you about how I choose to view my life and the circumstances in it and how I experience them, or I could choose to educate the ignorance you’re displaying about another person’s perception of themselves. I know for 100% certainty that my ADHD has afforded me the ability to think and do ten times the things as the next person. I’ve left MULTIPLE jobs where they had to replace me with more than one person because my replacements couldn’t complete half the work I did in the half the time…producing the highest quality product on the team. So, before you decide to open your mouth and speak on something of which you clearly aren’t educated…just don’t…[INSERT VERY DEROGATORY EXPLETIVE HERE]!
OMG when I say I was crying last night and all morning talking to my recently deceased mother about being the strong one. About our how I was just too tired. And I'll be if this then just pop right up right now at the time let the very most.
@@Tra_C I do I'm definitely encouraged knowing that I don't have to be and that even my favorite TH-camr has the same issue. It's a human condition. Then the fact that he looks like my counterpart experiencing identical issue encourages me more than you know. Thanks for asking hopefully you have a great weekend ❤️🙏❤️
I love this conversation. I am too the strong friend. Over the past year, I’ve learned to pull back: i dont run to answer on the 1st ring, i will get off the phone if i feel like my friend isn’t actively listening even though I’m a great listener! Thank you for this video!
Same. Same. I cant be friends with these ppl that got all this drama and hurt in their lives and attach to me bc I’ll listen to their problems or I have my life together. It’s DRAINING! I lost a couple of friends because I couldn’t do it anymore
Yess my therapist told me to “say what I mean and mean what I say” ❤️ and that statement has helped me ask for the help I need and from who. And with phone calls I have people schedule times to speak lol no impromptu calls!! Thank you for your transparency 🙏🏾🥺
I just wrote in my journal last month on how I’m tired of every one depending on me/using me. They only call when they want something,never to actually have a conversation. I cut all those ppl out my life and so far I’ve been feeling good
Justin, get a pillbox for your medications that has the days marked on the compartments👍🏾😁This way you can keep track of when you need to take your meds, some have dividers for am and pm👍🏾😁
Yes! This right here. I just don’t have any friends, because I was used as an emotional dumping ground. Even after expressing that it was taking a toll on me & that they should probably talk to a therapist. They got mad & I cut off all friendships. I love being friend free
Oooweee… it must be in the air because….I’m like…am I just some type of emotional dumping spot and then not only do I get dumped on I’m also expected to solve their problems meanwhile… no 1 considered that I too have worries and problems. This the video right here!
I relate to this heavy! I have a family member that does this, they are a lot lighter than me and I’ve never correlated their desire to use me as an agony aunt to my skin colour and weight before but it checks because our relationship was very different when I was skinnier, they always want to vent about drama in their life and when I call them out on some toxic thinking patterns or say I don’t agree with how they handled something they get pressed because I’m not just listening to them unload, like please take your bullshit somewhere else.
You just been around people who don’t value you, the people you let vent to the ends of the earth but as soon as you start talking about yourself vulnerably, they all of a sudden don’t have the patience to listen. Shit gets lonely no lie. I’ve learned to check for those narc traits early on, choosing to snatch back my time and attention abruptly. Truth be told, we may have just not found our soul tribe, even if you are in your 30s. It’ll come though. Life has been hard on a lot of people especially post pandemic and mental health crisis is at an all time high. Detaching, basking in your own energy and focusing on shit that makes you happy is a start.
I've been dealing with this for several years and it became clear to me that I'm the friend/partner/ family member and even coworker that ppl will use and take advantage of when it comes to their personal needs being met. These ppl will call you and ask you for favors, because they know you'll do it, but won't call the ppl they praise and party with for a favor like they're trying to uphold some type of image with them yet with you it's like whatever. I've been a caregiver for my parent where the lines have been blurred and boundaries have been overstepped with my parent treating me like I'm their servant at all times, but my sisters or adult nieces have never pulled their weight. They travel, party etc and I haven't gotten the chance to do anything. This even applies to friends. When I'm in need of help, I'm gas lighted like "you look fine so... what's the problem. It's in your head you got it" etc. I struggle with anxiety and b.s. like any other person yet there's no help or grace for me. But I better be available when they call me and if I'm not I never hear from them again.
Going through this now... I'm cutting people off left and right. Everyone of them ALWAYS needing me and now that I need someone it's crickets. So I just thank the Lord for showing me who people REALLY are. Thank God for that block feature.
I got a good strong pinch for the first person that ever uttered the words “strong friend”. I can’t shake this term for nothing and I didn’t assign it to myself. May we all find release from this burden. Thank you for sharing this, Justin
It’s definitely a self love journey! It is our responsibility to create, communicate, & maintain boundaries with our friends for our own well-being. I am the “strong” friend as well. However, it was partially because I wasn’t being vulnerable w. my friends & showing that I’m not always strong. I had to take accountability for where I was codependent in the friendship & behaviors I was allowing opposed to blaming them. Now I welcome new friendships because I never want to close myself out to true love and support or opps to give it in return but they have to be bringing that to the table, love & support……else I’m out because I know what I bring to the table.
By FAR THE BEST video you've EVER done! I feel the pain, I heard you tearing up. I used to be the friend you're talking about with regard to the constant needing to vent to a really good friend of mine so much so to the point he eventually had to be honest with me and tell me to get professional help. It's not until a friend of mine starting doing it to me much later I realized why my friend couldn't allow me to word vomit anymore. It's VERY draining to have someone DUMP their problems on you CONSTANTLY! I was glad he expressed that to me and I, in turn, was able to express that to my friend. NOBODY is a STRONG friend like you said. We ALL need support AND a moment to BREATHE AND to experience reciprocal, loving friendships that isn't all about pain! If your friendships are based on mutual respect and love, your friend will NEVER be upset when you tell them you can't be the misery bank anymore. I sincerely hope this video was an avenue for you to release Justin. ✨ Sounds like you really needed it.
Absolutely MFKN tired. And when I try to have a serious convo with ppl thru laugh it off bc I’m also the funny friend but I’m at the end of my rope and no one is hearing me.
I have pretty much cut everyone but immediate family. There's enough in house crap for me to deal with to be holding up other heaux. 🤷🏾♀️ I'm the 1st born, I'm a wife, and a mother..... girl I ain't got it. Do what you gotta do Justin. ❤️
as the laborer, almost the chattel-person who provides a utility to others. that's how i feel i've been treated since childhood. i know exactly how you feel. i got belly of the beast and i'm reading it now after you mentioned it in a video from a few days ago. i'm slowly finding the language to describe what's going on in my head. i know you're tired of being other people's therapy, but i love hearing what you have to say. i feel the same, same way as you.
By expressing your vulnerability lifts the burden for us strong ones. We need to have grace for ourselves while we heal. Great video sending love to you.
King You are not an item that someone picks up when they feel like it, and puts back on the Shelf. Thank you so much for trusting us your vulnerability 💓I pray that that you're able to get past all that has hurt you . Youve now learned from it to become a more magnificent person then you already are.
Reciprocity is hard to get when you’re the strong friend. I understand the discarded feeling. I realized for a long time I was settling for what I thought was friendship - when that wasn’t it at all.
Because we use people as moments and convience only few are for the long haul. Speaking as the always their strong friend. Be quiet dont respond for at least 30 days you will see who will listen and let you have a turn.
I really feel you. I have a friend who is like that. On the phone 90% will be her problems and 10% will be mine. I just can’t so I distanced myself because this is exhausting and draining.
Here is a link to support me on Patreon
www.patreon.com/kingofreads
It’s very healthy to express this ! I have taken breaks and disconnected from many people who were not contributing in a healthy way to my life….gotta protect your energy.
Yes!!!!! You are so right! I've been doing the same thing!
My life has become so much easier and healthier once I started cutting off people that weren’t helping me conserve my energy
🎯🎯🎯
MOST PEOPLE DO NOT UNDERSTAND THIS. I LOVE BEING THE STRONG FRIEND BUT I HAVE TO BE STRONG FOR MYSELF AND WHO WILL BE MY STRENGTH WHEN I NEED IT. THOSE WHO I HAVE BEEN THEIR STRENGTH TURNED AGAINST ME.
Speak on it. I put up strong boundaries. I stopped bringing gifts to parties and stopped getting invites. Someone mentioned that they missed my parties. I thought, I bet you do. I provided the house, food, alcohol, and entertainment. Friendship is reciprocal. I'm being strong for my bestfriend, ME. The peace is priceless. I pray the same for everyone. Justin I pray for your health and peace of mind.
Wow, I totally agree with this. Although I have never been seen as the fat friend I'm a brown skin black woman and being the provision to so many people and it's draining. They come in your house and eat your food and spend your energy but NEVER reciprocate. I'm always the ones bringing gifts and being the giver. I got married in September and none of my so called friends that I've given and sacrificed for showed up for me when I needed them. I got dumped by my bridesmaids when I started asking them to fulfill bridesmaid duties 🥴🥴🫠🫠 like why did you accept being a bridesmaid.... But when I'm giving you something or sitting on the phone listening to you and giving you something you are present 🙃🙃
When I turned 40 I stopped caring about what other people's needs and wants were, unless it was my kids. You will reach that point one day and when you do it is so freeing. The power of NO is phenomenal.
I totally understand this. There are times when I don’t answer my phone because I just don’t feel like having certain conversations.
When I say I agree, you just don't know. I am over here dealing with my own stuff and everyone that I interact with wants to dump their crap on me. I used to check on my folks to make sure everyone was ok. Knowing my own situation wasn't ideal and realized these folks thought I could be their babysitter, ATM, therapist, cheerleader, etc. Nobody had time to check on me, but when I went missing, its like their lives fell apart. It took me a while to realize so much was asked of me and none of it was reciprocated. Too much was being expected of me, so I simply ceased communication with the energy vampires in my life. I am still tired.
same! Still recovering
I can most definitely relate!!
@@seriouslytho5783 12 years!!! Congrats to you!! I'm on year 3. You did the right thing!!!
@@seriouslytho5783 Congratulations I had to cease a New friendship because I recognized the signs of Arsehole behaviour. As an Empath, I felt guilty but you have to put you first and understand that this person is not for you. Good People Love and Uplift each other. Sending you lots and lots of Love and strength from London England. Thank you for sharing ❤❤❤❤
@@seriouslytho5783 congratulations on your sobriety of 12years. It's not an easy journey. Don't apologize for needing your peace of mind. Those who are for you would want you to have self-care. 🤸🤸🏾♀️
So many of us feel the same way ! Thank you Justin for this ❤❤❤
I totally agree. Sometimes you have to protect your peace and ✂️ .
🙋🏾♀️
I am the strong friend, but I don’t have anybody to turn to when I need them most. So proud of you Justin for speaking your truth, and sharing your vulnerabilities. I ❤ you. Keep being authentic!
That made me cut all of them loose.
I have never been happier!
Exactly
Lack of reciprocation and expectation of labor framed as one-sided friendship is such a heavy weight. You deserve respite and better supports.
I'm the strong friend....but I'm light skinned and small. I think it falls on the smarter more ACCOMPLISHED friend sometimes. People see you doing "well" and think you have it all together.
Same !
Yes, this has happened to me. People get cut off because I'm not your personal savings account or therapist....Preach!!! As I get older, I like staying to myself. I don't want to know, I don't want to be included, nothing.
SAME!!! I DON’T WANT TO KNOW!!!
PPPPPPPRRRRRREEEEEEAAAACCCCHHHHHHHH. Thank you so much for saying this!
Omg IM GOING THRU THIS NOW!! I'm tired!! I just went off on everybody literally because they drain me. Everybody vent to me but who's there when I need to vent? NOBODY ..or I get told "oh you're strong..you'll figure it out, depression is in your mind". I'm tired of ppl thinking a friend is supposed to be their mother, or their baby daddy etc and if I'm busy or need time for my mental health IM WRONG OR A BAD FRIEND OR SISTER! I'm no longer letting ppl gas light me or make me feel like I'm crazy or tripping because they expect more outta me than what they give in return. Sheesh .....I really needed this
🙌🏾
This is how felt when I decided to end a friendship with my college best friend. She was so extroverted unlike me and I really admired that. She was charismatic and the life of the party and only really showed her negative aspects to me. I just couldn’t understand why when she was down I was the only one there yet she would go party with all these people. I ended the friendship and it’s been nothing but peace sense but it still hurts knowing you are only there to nurture them then they go give their best selves to people who drain them.
I'm going through this exact situation rn. I constantly hear, "You're the only one I can trust. Everyone else is fake." I don't ever wanna be the only person you can trust. That's too much pressure. After awhile I began to wonder if I'm really the sucker in the situation for maintaining a friendship with a extroverted person that brings me bad news while they bring everyone else their best.
Yasss say it again let my childhood best friend of 16 years go yeah it hurt but the love wasn’t reciprocated
Girl I think we may have had the same friend lol. Same exact situation that I was in
@@unapologeticallyblackbeaut7161 Omg! SAME
This is Absolutely OK!!!!
Stop being a receptacle for other people’s emotional vomit
Protect your mental health and your spiritual health
We can't go on being the strong family member either. It's not healthy to be everyone's safe haven while neglecting to find our own.
"Loyalty to others is a betrayal of oneself."-Fang Yuan
Thanks for adding in family cuz whew child they can drain us dry, too.
This is so true.
I'm thinking this resonates with so many of us. We literally give others our all and get left drained and depleted with nobody there to replenish us! I get it, I stopped being an emotional tampon and an 🏧, goes for family too!
Emotional tampon!! 🤣🤣🤣
I learned the hard way about being the strong friend. When I was diagnosed with Lupus in 2012, I saw who my REAL friends were. When I shook the tree, I left it dam near bare! But those who hung on to the branches are the real deal. And I am so blessed to have rid myself of the false smile, the constant needy, the whining and the 2 faced. I was the person that lit up the room. The party didn't start till I got there! When I wasn't able to physically go out and do the things I used to do, people started disappearing. But I have a new life now. I'm still that fun amazing person I've always been, but I share it first, with myself, and those who really know me. I travel and make new experiences for myself. I entertain with those who really want to be there with me for real, for real! The old acquaintances see me cruising, flying off to different cities and countries or hosting a get together, suddenly I get the call or inbox message. For what? I'm doing fine! Sometimes it takes something hurtful or hard to bear to set ourselves free.
My new motto with ppl when they call about their problems is to asks “are you calling for advice or to vent so I know how to act accordingly”. Once I realize most ppl aren’t looking to change I no longer carry their issues. I smh and don’t even think about it again.
This happens to me ALL the time! I’ve had people say, “your like the brother I never had” and I’m just sitting thinking, “I don’t want to be your dam brother, but ok sure if that makes you feel good.”. A lot of us dark skinned gay men and women get pigeon held into this roles and I stand it.
Shout out to Momma Linda ✈️ 🛩 she coming to love on her baby. It takes time to get out of the darkness, but the light will shine again. And yes, being "the strong friend" is a burden because everyone will use you as their emotional dumping ground. Once you are burdened with their stress, they discard you to go enjoy "happy" moments with everyone else. I had to quit too, it's hard.
You don't have to be strong. If you aren't in a position to hold emotional space for someone else YOU DON'T HAVE TO. The real friends will stay around the ones who were using you will fall to way side.
I was just talking to my therapist about this. I'm so dang drained and I'm tired of giving. Because its in my nature to give, for a long time I thought it was normal to feel this way and felt guilty about wanting to stop giving. Not anymore! I value my peace above all. I've had to fend for myself emotionally and physically because I can't rely on ppl the way they rely on me. So I've pulled back and let them disappear.
This is such a great conversation. Over the last year, I’ve been practicing not being the strong friend, or family member due to the emotional labor, and sometimes financial. What I’ve found is that those relationships were absolutely conditional on me filling those roles of labor, and when they could no longer exploit my kindness, they saw it as being disrespectful. I really don’t even care because I am happy, unbothered, and not drained. It’s sad that there may be people in your life that literally wants you to put their needs before your own.
I was literally just saying this because I forgot my friends baby birthday and I felt so bad but I’m literally struggling with surviving right now. I can’t even really be a good friend at the moment but I hope they still love me 😢
Same here
@@kthename08 I feel bad but I have to focus on me right now. My mental health is fragile right now 😕
I don’t have friendships for a similar reason. I’ve noticed that being deformed or disabled also cause you to be leaned on by others. I get the feeling people think I should be glad that they would even allow me in their space. So, I get used for my resources
You are important and a child of God. You are deserving of respect, kindness and love. They are not better than you. Jesus loves you ❤️
Shout out to you for knowing your worth. 🤗 It's better to be at mental peace than having to constantly question your "friend's" motives.
Totally valid ❤ nobody wants to feel like their “friends” are putting them on a shelf, contacting you when they need a favor or a therapy session but then neglecting to see you as a full fledged person ! I’m glad you’re standing up for yourself and I hope you feel greater peace of mind in the upcoming weeks ✨
Wow i definitely had a friend who would constantly call me and dumb ALL her problems on me and when i’d once out of a million told her a problem of mine she’d laugh or be like “thats not a big deal” and start back talking about her problems that were basically always men problems 🥴 i cut her off 3 years ago and im soo happy and at peace! Miss her sometimes but im good on her
Justin you need space to grieve and heal and also REST.
It’s crazy that you put this out today because I was just feeling this way. I’m the person that everyone comes to with their problems, but as soon as I need that should/ear..everyone has a life and can’t talk. I was just saying to myself that since I stopped reaching out to check on others, nobody has checked on me.
Sometimes we just need a break.
I have been hurt by friends, boyfriends to the point I just don't go the extra mile for people anymore.
I’m retired from that role. 🙋🏾♀️ When I’m going through it, I have one friend who can get a prayer through but that’s it. When I’m stressed my body shuts down
Not sure if I'm ready for this conversation/reality check but it's definitely needed. Thank you for starting this conversation. You are not alone with these thoughts. 💛
I KNOW this video is going to be good! Let’s get into it!
Meanwhile I have no friends lol. My sister however is going through something similar with her friends. She has to be there for them in whatever ways they want or she's a bad friend. They never consider her life
Same here. Praying for you.
I felt that!!!” I don’t want to be ALOT of people’s friend!!”
Justin you are not alone at all! I remember feeling hurt when I realized some ppl called me off the hook when they had issues but when everything was good and they didn’t need me for anything, they had their friends they were having fun with.. I learned to pull back from ppl like that because I was emotionally drained. And sad because it did hurt me. I hate being looked at as the strong friend with all the answers, I’m just human..
Justin, you are just exhausted. Those type of friends are draining. Take time away from those type of so called friends. Tell them, "I need space". " I need a break". You do not have to suffer to appease people. They are taking advantage of you. Love you❤❤❤❤
Wow! This must be why I dont have any friends. I deliberately don’t keep people around me, as a darker brown skinned large women, I could clearly see there was a social place for me but I completely refuse to accept the position given to me. I am worthy of so so much more. Others can feel this ‘confidence’ about me and don’t like it. They often try to remind me of my position in society and attempt to assign me tasks to ‘redeem’ myself within society. Whether its being an emotional punching bag or doing physical labour. You may get me once but that is all. I am not your skivvy.
Boundaries are necessary, however many of us weren’t taught boundaries.
Please don’t let people use you. Its negative reinforcement for them if you do, and you will only feel worse about yourself.
Peace and love ❤✌🏾
You are literally at the best point to change this “strong friend” programming. Being tired, depressed and fed up can help see clearly which behaviours led to this point and make you question certain damaging beliefs that you adopted growing up. Focus on yourself, you are not responsible for other people’s well-being. You are responsible for yourself and yourself only! Keep working and getting the support you need and fill up your own cup first 🙏🏾
I was the strong friend, but I gave up my strong friend card in 2020. Never regretted it. To this day, never had a friend who matched my energy. They still mad and will continue to be MAD 😂😂😂
I was diagnosed w/ADHD in 2007. I’ve found it can be your super power if understood and controlled. Don’t let anyone tell you different.
I also suffer from depression. It gets the better of me sometimes, too (like now). Though you do need to think of yourself, I want to thank you for this video…you did it just for me.
God bless you, Justin. Your growth story has been phenomenal. Continue in your journey. You are loved!
Plz stop spreading this harmful rhetoric that adhd is a “superpower” it is not. It is literally a brain disorder.
@@cherrylaffy Sweetie, listen, I could choose to roast you about how I choose to view my life and the circumstances in it and how I experience them, or I could choose to educate the ignorance you’re displaying about another person’s perception of themselves. I know for 100% certainty that my ADHD has afforded me the ability to think and do ten times the things as the next person. I’ve left MULTIPLE jobs where they had to replace me with more than one person because my replacements couldn’t complete half the work I did in the half the time…producing the highest quality product on the team. So, before you decide to open your mouth and speak on something of which you clearly aren’t educated…just don’t…[INSERT VERY DEROGATORY EXPLETIVE HERE]!
TALK ABOUT IT JUSTIN HUNNY
OMG when I say I was crying last night and all morning talking to my recently deceased mother about being the strong one. About our how I was just too tired. And I'll be if this then just pop right up right now at the time let the very most.
I hope you're feeling better ❤️
@@Tra_C I do I'm definitely encouraged knowing that I don't have to be and that even my favorite TH-camr has the same issue. It's a human condition. Then the fact that he looks like my counterpart experiencing identical issue encourages me more than you know. Thanks for asking hopefully you have a great weekend ❤️🙏❤️
I love this conversation. I am too the strong friend. Over the past year, I’ve learned to pull back: i dont run to answer on the 1st ring, i will get off the phone if i feel like my friend isn’t actively listening even though I’m a great listener! Thank you for this video!
I love you Justin!! ❤ and the love the vulnerability you have given us. Share when you like and don’t when you don’t. Period.
Same. Same. I cant be friends with these ppl that got all this drama and hurt in their lives and attach to me bc I’ll listen to their problems or I have my life together. It’s DRAINING! I lost a couple of friends because I couldn’t do it anymore
Last month was exhausting. Matter of fact, the last two months were exhausting. This video put a lot of things in sharper focus for me.
Yess my therapist told me to “say what I mean and mean what I say” ❤️ and that statement has helped me ask for the help I need and from who. And with phone calls I have people schedule times to speak lol no impromptu calls!! Thank you for your transparency 🙏🏾🥺
I started scheduling calls on my end too 🤣
Take care of YOURSELF FIRST PERIOD 💯💯💯💯❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️POINT BLANK
This was needed. People need to see this and realize maybe they're doing that to their friends/family members. Hopefully it opens their eyes.
Sending you love King💜💜💜💜
I feel this so much and tired of being the strong friend as well ❤❤❤❤ thank you for this ❤❤❤
It’s like you’re living my life!!! 😫 I cut off a toxic family member just today
Feel better and take your time recovering
I just wrote in my journal last month on how I’m tired of every one depending on me/using me.
They only call when they want something,never to actually have a conversation. I cut all those ppl out my life and so far I’ve been feeling good
This makes me wonder where the balance is between being seen as a strong friend and being seen as a confidant. Friendship should be reciprocal..
This spoke to my soul! I’m done being a people pleaser & I’m setting boundaries from now on
A lot of us are in the same place of feeling mentally drained I thought it was just me.
@Just Listen Astrology I pray that whatever you are dealing with gets better for you! ❤️
Justin, get a pillbox for your medications that has the days marked on the compartments👍🏾😁This way you can keep track of when you need to take your meds, some have dividers for am and pm👍🏾😁
Yes! This right here. I just don’t have any friends, because I was used as an emotional dumping ground. Even after expressing that it was taking a toll on me & that they should probably talk to a therapist. They got mad & I cut off all friendships. I love being friend free
Oooweee… it must be in the air because….I’m like…am I just some type of emotional dumping spot and then not only do I get dumped on I’m also expected to solve their problems meanwhile… no 1 considered that I too have worries and problems. This the video right here!
I relate to this heavy! I have a family member that does this, they are a lot lighter than me and I’ve never correlated their desire to use me as an agony aunt to my skin colour and weight before but it checks because our relationship was very different when I was skinnier, they always want to vent about drama in their life and when I call them out on some toxic thinking patterns or say I don’t agree with how they handled something they get pressed because I’m not just listening to them unload, like please take your bullshit somewhere else.
You just been around people who don’t value you, the people you let vent to the ends of the earth but as soon as you start talking about yourself vulnerably, they all of a sudden don’t have the patience to listen. Shit gets lonely no lie. I’ve learned to check for those narc traits early on, choosing to snatch back my time and attention abruptly. Truth be told, we may have just not found our soul tribe, even if you are in your 30s. It’ll come though. Life has been hard on a lot of people especially post pandemic and mental health crisis is at an all time high. Detaching, basking in your own energy and focusing on shit that makes you happy is a start.
you deserve to take a step back for yourself from anything that is draining your precious energy. sending you love 💗💗💗💗
You expressing this has just threw a lightbulb to my brain. Thank you. And feel better ❤
May peace be with you !
I've been dealing with this for several years and it became clear to me that I'm the friend/partner/ family member and even coworker that ppl will use and take advantage of when it comes to their personal needs being met.
These ppl will call you and ask you for favors, because they know you'll do it, but won't call the ppl they praise and party with for a favor like they're trying to uphold some type of image with them yet with you it's like whatever.
I've been a caregiver for my parent where the lines have been blurred and boundaries have been overstepped with my parent treating me like I'm their servant at all times, but my sisters or adult nieces have never pulled their weight. They travel, party etc and I haven't gotten the chance to do anything. This even applies to friends. When I'm in need of help, I'm gas lighted like "you look fine so... what's the problem. It's in your head you got it" etc. I struggle with anxiety and b.s. like any other person yet there's no help or grace for me. But I better be available when they call me and if I'm not I never hear from them again.
Going through this now... I'm cutting people off left and right. Everyone of them ALWAYS needing me and now that I need someone it's crickets. So I just thank the Lord for showing me who people REALLY are. Thank God for that block feature.
I got a good strong pinch for the first person that ever uttered the words “strong friend”. I can’t shake this term for nothing and I didn’t assign it to myself. May we all find release from this burden. Thank you for sharing this, Justin
Be well Justin…
It’s definitely a self love journey! It is our responsibility to create, communicate, & maintain boundaries with our friends for our own well-being. I am the “strong” friend as well. However, it was partially because I wasn’t being vulnerable w. my friends & showing that I’m not always strong. I had to take accountability for where I was codependent in the friendship & behaviors I was allowing opposed to blaming them. Now I welcome new friendships because I never want to close myself out to true love and support or opps to give it in return but they have to be bringing that to the table, love & support……else I’m out because I know what I bring to the table.
By FAR THE BEST video you've EVER done! I feel the pain, I heard you tearing up.
I used to be the friend you're talking about with regard to the constant needing to vent to a really good friend of mine so much so to the point he eventually had to be honest with me and tell me to get professional help. It's not until a friend of mine starting doing it to me much later I realized why my friend couldn't allow me to word vomit anymore. It's VERY draining to have someone DUMP their problems on you CONSTANTLY!
I was glad he expressed that to me and I, in turn, was able to express that to my friend. NOBODY is a STRONG friend like you said. We ALL need support AND a moment to BREATHE AND to experience reciprocal, loving friendships that isn't all about pain! If your friendships are based on mutual respect and love, your friend will NEVER be upset when you tell them you can't be the misery bank anymore.
I sincerely hope this video was an avenue for you to release Justin. ✨ Sounds like you really needed it.
Absolutely MFKN tired. And when I try to have a serious convo with ppl thru laugh it off bc I’m also the funny friend but I’m at the end of my rope and no one is hearing me.
I have pretty much cut everyone but immediate family. There's enough in house crap for me to deal with to be holding up other heaux. 🤷🏾♀️ I'm the 1st born, I'm a wife, and a mother..... girl I ain't got it. Do what you gotta do Justin. ❤️
I felt this entire video! He just spoke my whole existence for the last few months 🙄
Thank you for sharing Justin! I truly hope you will continue to feel better and take care of your health. Xoxoxo
Love you sug. It's ok to protect your peace and ✂️ em off.
as the laborer, almost the chattel-person who provides a utility to others. that's how i feel i've been treated since childhood. i know exactly how you feel. i got belly of the beast and i'm reading it now after you mentioned it in a video from a few days ago. i'm slowly finding the language to describe what's going on in my head. i know you're tired of being other people's therapy, but i love hearing what you have to say. i feel the same, same way as you.
Mother's really know their children no matter how old you are or how far away you are. Mother's feel it.
Justin I’m sorry you’re going through this. Please let us know how we can help support you from afar? We care.
You have a gorgeous smile. Thanks for sharing
Hope you feel better Justin. I'm kinda in a similar situation, so i can definitely relate to this. ❤❤❤ Take care of you first.
I need this convo…
Thank you❤️..similar issues..sending love to you❤️👑💯
YOU RIGHT ON TIME WITH THIS 1!!!I liked before watching because I KNOW you’re about to hit home !!!
By expressing your vulnerability lifts the burden for us strong ones. We need to have grace for ourselves while we heal. Great video sending love to you.
Thank you for this video...energy vampires are tiring!
not me being early!!! I hope you're feeling better, love.
King You are not an item that someone picks up when they feel like it, and puts back on the Shelf. Thank you so much for trusting us your vulnerability 💓I pray that that you're able to get past all that has hurt you . Youve now learned from it to become a more magnificent person then you already are.
OKAY LINDA!!!!!!!!!!! I’m all the way here for Mama coming to 👀if you’re ok! I hope you feel better, Justin!
Reciprocity is hard to get when you’re the strong friend. I understand the discarded feeling. I realized for a long time I was settling for what I thought was friendship - when that wasn’t it at all.
Simply Thank you for this video! I felt this on a deep level. ❤
I care. I appreciate you. All love ❤️
Because we use people as moments and convience only few are for the long haul. Speaking as the always their strong friend. Be quiet dont respond for at least 30 days you will see who will listen and let you have a turn.
I pray for you Justin and I pray that you take care of yourself and keep people at bay because you need to heal yourself. ❤️❤️🙏🏾🙏🏾
Sounds like you need to get into your 'main character' energy.
I really feel you. I have a friend who is like that. On the phone 90% will be her problems and 10% will be mine.
I just can’t so I distanced myself because this is exhausting and draining.
Didn’t even watch yet but the title ‼️‼️ I’m tired of being that friend, because nobody is that friend to me
I can feel the exhaustion in your energy, get well soon!🤎
Yes he’s definitely exhausted
Totally get it, babe. Even heros need heros too. We here for you babe!