ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 20 ม.ค. 2025
- some incels think transitioning will make their lives infinitely better. somehow there's a manga that gets to the heart of that phenomenon. this video is about the connection between the two.
this took one year to make i hope you like it.
---
/ ceicocat
Editing and collaborating on this piece was so much fun, thanks for having me ceicocat
Thank you for being such a huge part of this project, LB ❤
is there a change in much you feel sexual feelings, orgasm etc, that is not caused by simply avoiding segsual activity for a while before doing it? is the supposed increase in feeling energetic, from not doing segsual activity that comes closer to orgasm ? this works because human are designed to maximize reproduction . so humans are motivated by not yet having gasmed, and women have certain times where they have segsual desire , for the sake oftiming reproduction systems, while men are constantly pushed to spread genes because their intra bodily role in baby making is much simpler. you may disagree that human are made for reproduction only because of many genes of features whos functionality for reproduction is hard o define, but realize that harsh environments effect genetic natural selection , and some restricted peoples reproduction rights for better genetics of next generation toward happiness, like not looking and living more like a segssually liberal monkey , and more like muhammadean "aryan" ideal . the other emotional issues are emotional immaturity that can be easily fixed without chemicals. what do you say my brudda @@ceicocat
@@ceicocat th-cam.com/video/6r-Uga_oR28/w-d-xo.html
@@ceicocatit feels like you saw right through me
are u a hrt partial woman @@matthewchovance4484
You bastard, you tricked me into reviewing a manga, and then you tripped me again with a heartfelt warming coming of age biography
:rofl:
I’m going to hart you now: I dare you to go down the Toni Morrison pipeline: I dare you to ask why the caged bird sings.
😅@@cynthiaphilmlee5419m
@@cynthiaphilmlee5419 i will check them out hanks fot he recomendation
I clicked on this video out of a morbid curiosity because of the title, but never expected such a painful and beautiful video. Truly incredibly made. Thank you for sharing.
@@seane6616 You didn't finish the video did you
@@mollusckscramp4124 I did, and that was where he 1st started making bad decisions and not realizing the obvious.
@@seane6616 so true. Celebrating delusions isn’t a solution for psychological issues to overcome.
@@robertortiz-wilson1588 Ty! I can only see your reply in my notifications, youtube has shadow banned you. Let's not ever give Google a cent for this BS they do to us ha
@@seane6616 minor grammar mistake detected, opinion invalid
I used to be a hikikomori for about a year. I lived in Japan and lost my job and had trouble finding a new one. My days turned into a haze of wasting time on the computer and eating cup noodles. It's so, so easy to get lost. A few days turns into a few weeks, and then you lose track of time. What got me out of it was careful and short visits to the outside, weaning myself off living inside. Nowadays, I kinda need to leave the house for my sanity.
Where'd the motivation come from?
@@nickalfonso8616 the will to live better
larp
Same except am a American I can't do anything with life but live off my SSDI which that's a given but struggle with being anti social on top of that struggle social anxiety that prevents me from going out on my own or even buying stuff on my own or going to school and been trying to talk with people -impossible, Neurotypical have it easy man I envy them that's a gift I wish I had... I really wanted to join the army but being mentally ill I was also diagnosed with Aspergers and ocd now my purpose is in shambles the hell do now besides staying home taking two bottles of pills (and sometimes Xanax) everyday to keep me stable and take care of my parents once they get older then what... letting my intrusive thoughts win by combining my dads beer with xanax to overdose, hell they are the only reason that keeps my from thinking of suicide not sure what's going to happen once there gone, everyday feels the same but more dystopian from looking what's going on online things weren't always like this until everything became capitalized with agendas and everything becoming a business like TH-cam as a example and other types of social media and toxic influencers leading generations to there doom... yea I think am starting to see the picture where to get off since the old internet used to be a place where to escape from reality now has become a part of reality where everyone is on it now, Ted Kaczynski was right Rip Based Ted May 22, 1942 - June 10, 2023. I bet no read this since everyone has a short attention span nowadays bah.
that sound like casual men life
Not gonna lie, I was gonna put this video off as a click bait, pretentious video about gender identity, but i didn't expect the amount of genuine effort emotion and talent poured into this video.
I'm embarrassed to say it but your words resonated with me, I genuinely didn't think a TH-cam video was gonna make me feel all tender and vulnerable about how badly i treat myself.
Very good stuff. I need to go hug my dog or go to therapy or something. Thank you for the awesome content.
Hey ! Did you manage to hug your dog and/or start a therapy ^^ ? It's okay if you didn't (I didn't myself) ! But just wanted to offer an hug, and wish you good luck for everything.
An anonymous stranger who also felt very tender and vulnerable watching that same videos.
@@elsapersant7747thank you
@@MedukaMiggicayou didn't answer the question
I’ve just written the exact same response, and gone to give some love to other people’s thoughts on the video and I stumble upon just how similar of a feeling I have with you and a ton of other ‘naive’ impressioned individuals. I often see myself as a fool purely because of the frequency of moments such as these, where I go through a surprising revelation that aims to humble myself for assuming otherwise. Sometimes I feel I carry too much hatred for myself when for instance, I’m overthinking in my head that I can’t do something because I know I’m a fool anyways and won’t get it right. Prophet mentality can make me feel like I need to be perfect, only to realize everyone is a prophet in their truest form, and all I gotta do is stop being perfect; so that I can start being good.
@@spetsnaz4537it’s ok he doesn’t need to answer it on a comment section. Maybe his answer lies within the silence 👀
"The desire to become something you, yourself, find beautiful," is such a hard line.
But part of what you find beautiful (unless you’re a narcissist -AGP, not trans), is because that is NOT what you are. That’s called “mystique”, that otherness is what is alluring.
that line goes so hard it makes me cry.
That's just... Affirmation. And a goal for every person ideally while growing up, like in adolescence or teenagehood.
Then the fooking boomers gotta give us all trauma and make it difficult to self actualize 🙄 /hj
A man can be beautiful also . Physically and more importantly on the inside .
@@goat7651 of course both are beautiful
"The permision to be softer" I didn't know words could hurt this much.
F
A
@@echo5827 rmville
@@echo5827 B
"im in this post and i dont like it"
I'm almost twenty seven years old, I just recently started mentally transitioning away from my old "girl" self, and so much of this video resonates with me, even though I'm coming at it from the other side of "I was born a girl, and I don't know if I actually want to be a man, but I don't want to be a woman/girl." When you talked about viewing yourself in the mirror and not being able to see yourself, I cried because that was me.
For the longest time, I have not been able to picture what I look like. I think part of that is the autism/ADHD, but a lot of it had to do with the fact that once I graduated high school, I grew out my hair. Never out of a desire to be feminine or pretty, but because haircuts are expensive, and I was struggling so badly with my personal care/anxiety around socializing that scheduling hair appointments was difficult for me. But every time I looked at myself in the mirror with my unkempt hair that came down to my ribs, I was always shocked. It didn't look like me. I realized, when I was around 23/24, that when I thought of what I looked like, I thought of my MMO character that had short hair instead. I couldn't conceptualize myself. I never had a breakdown over it, but I was... deeply disturbed at the thought. There was a blank space where my face was. I was a girlfailure.
When I graduated college and found work, I was never outright told that I needed to dress/act feminine, but the expectation was painfully clear that I couldn't not conform. I had to dress in feminine styles, but never managed to look beautiful or desirable, and it was physically uncomfortable for me. I eventually left that job and found a new one, where I was much more comfortable expressing myself without fear of being reprimanded or fired. I constantly told my husband that I wanted to cut my hair short, and he pretty much went "Go do what you want," so... I did. I had all of my hair cut off. Not in a masc style, but it was short. I took pictures of myself to share with friends and family, and at the time I didn't realize how significant that was, but I never take pictures of myself. When I got home and looked at myself in the mirror, I didn't get emotional. But while writing this, I'm on the verge of crying because now I know what I look like. I can picture myself perfectly. I don't need to project my identity onto avatars, though that did help for a while.
I'm still scared to physically transition for many reasons, but this video helped me see that my discomfort with being identified as a woman is valid, even if I don't know exactly what I want to be. I don't even feel constant dysphoria or disgust with myself - it's more anger at the world around me for shoving me into this box that has never fit me, which is not healthy lmao - but the fact that I don't have to have a set goal in mind, that I can just explore and try this out and move forward is so empowering.
Thank you. Thank you for being raw and sharing your story. I couldn't identify with all of it, and I don't have to. It's yours. It all belongs to you. I am glad that I could sit there and share it with you for a moment and realize some things and take comfort in knowing that my struggles will not evaporate if I take testosterone or get top surgery, but I will be happier. I am already happier. The shadow that follows me has become a friend instead of an enemy.
Even though I’m coming from a pretty different experience, I resonated a lot with your words. I don’t feel trans, but I don’t feel cis, either. I like my body. I like “girl” things like wearing skirts and painting my nails, activities considered standard for the gender assigned to me at birth. I feel even feel femme. And at the same time, I feel deeply uncomfortable with the way these aspects of myself are perceived as a part of the larger system of gender. I feel trapped by these labels that shove me into a box, when, really, I don’t wear skirts or paint my nails because I’m a woman - I do these things because I enjoy them. Gender is confusing and frustrating, but I’m glad we don’t have to figure it out alone. Wishing you the best on your gender journey!
@@thebusinessgooseI certainly don't want to push a label onto you but you sound very nonbinary haha. You'd probably find a lot of people like you in nonbinary communities online and irl and looking into them would help you feel less alone. There are a lot of people like you who have this unique agender-type experience, where you feel socially disconnected from gender and aren't interested in being perceived within that framework. Good luck with your self discovery!!
@@shjilz thank you! I never really thought about the agender label, but it’s something I might try on to see if it fits. I’m lucky that I have an incredible queer community around me, and your comment is a good reminder that I should talk to them about how I’m feeling.
I’m genuinely so happy for you. Whatever you decide to do or not do in the future, each step that leads you closer to knowing yourself better is a step worth taking. All that matters is sculpting your life into a life you want to live-and i’m so glad you chose to cut your hair. By doing that, it’s like you chose a method of loving yourself
@@BerryBlue123 Thanks for the kind words! My family has been so loving and accepting, but they come from a background where this sort of stuff is very new to them. I have a sister that's pretty conservative, and when thinking about how I'll explain my feelings to her, this analogy came to mind.
My body is my house. Currently, it's not the house I'd like it to be. I have some doors I'd like to replace, some furniture to swap out. When I get my house remodeled, I'm not destroying the house out of self hatred -- I am making my house into a home I love living in. It is all an act of love!
Coming back to the video that changed my life for a third time. I just want to cry for once and this is the only thing that does it for me. Thank you for making something so profound *sniffle*
I would consider myself a hikikomori. For the last 3 years I've been pretty much shut up in my room every hour of everyday. I "graduated" back in 2020 but didn't really get a transition into adulthood due to the lock down, and after it ended I just was too afraid to go out. My friends would still hit me up and force me to try and enjoy myself which I very much appreciated, as I really needed it.
Some backstory. I'm a 6'3 Blackman who's always been in touch with my femininity due in part to being raised around mainly single women and my older brothers friends. I've always been a huge sucker for cute shit. My friends say I'm an Emo Magical girl in a Blackmans body. For the most part. They're right.
I've never felt like a woman or thought I could be a woman, but I hate the idea of just being considered a man. I've always described myself as "the people" because although my appearance is fairly masc, I enjoy feeling pretty and being sassy. I enjoy revelling in and understanding my emotions and thoughts. I like to wear crop tops and watch sailor moon. My favorite color is pink and I have no problem with admiring attractive men.
I feel so out of place. Always just out of place. When people see me they see this scary large black man, but inside I feel so small.
This was kind of all over the place but I felt I had to idk say something here. This video really hit.
I hope someday I can get back out into the world, but I'm still so afraid of just being myself. A straight sassy feminine black man only gets taken seriously of your Michael Jackson or Prince.
Edit: Genuinely overwhelmed. Thank you all so much for your comment I'm gonna individually respond. It makes me happy that other people understand my experience and are going through similar experiences themselves. I hope we can all heal together, power to the people.
I hope you get back out there! You sound like a blast to have as a friend.
I agree with Redex, I'd love to have someone like you as a friend. I'm a transwoman on the butchier side so in terms of friends I have an easier and more fun time with more ambiguous/androgynous/fluid people than super femme women or super masculine men. You deserve to be out in the world attracting the people who appreciate you for who you are, there'll be many out there. I hope you feel better and life treats you nicer.
oh baby agoraphobia is hell....any chance youre in new york...ive been in part of your shoes, and have masters in psych...wanna talk ?
I'd say something, but like. You know better than me how feminine men are seen
by other blacks in America. I'm just some mixed trans girl from a country closer to Cuba.
And let me tell you. Going "Fuck the world" and being yourself as much as possible
is the best decision you could ever make. Also, can still relate to the height thing
even if being disabled means I rarely stand up, I'm still at the very minimum 6'1
... enjoying feeling pretty and liking cute things doesn't make you a woman... 🙃 That's just social stereotypes about women and that's what feminism is trying to fight with.
If all men learnt to understand their emotions and not be ashamed of it, world would be a better place.
I'm not a trans person nor a part of LGBT community but your video resonated so much with me, it's beautiful, earnest and it might sound corny but it genuinely inspired me to be a better more understanding person
Nah, real shit. As a hetero cis dude I respect ceicocat a lot for sharing her story at the end.
I hope that everyone reading and replying to this comment knows that you are welcome within the lgbt community as allies, if you ever wish to represent yourselves as such - we love you and we welcome you
🪺
as a man, I only really got an idea of how bad my toxicity was until I really hurt an ex of mine in the past then did everything I could to better myself for her and those I love and care for but then realized I was regressing at the end of my relationship with my ex and made a hard decision in ending the relationship to better myself and after two years of reflection and personal introspection, I feel like I've grown in the best version of myself that I never expected to be or find. I also have to note I would never have gotten this far without my ex or my family or close friends
I honestly dont wanna be a girl, a man, or non binary. I want to be myself, and to be accepted for that. That's how I've always felt.
This isn’t just a video essay or art, it’s a genuine conversation about being a truer self and not caring about social norms (even though they inevitably do). This is probably the best video, message and editing wise that I’ve seen in a long time
Most people don't know who they are.
@@colonelsmith7757 What's tragic is that most people never find out
People high only in the individualizing moral foundations care very deeply about social norms and always want to be signaling what is popular. What they don't care about is standing for what's good for society even if it makes them a pariah
Using the term "truer self" instead of "true self" is damaging to the trans community.
@@ogi1337you people are the fuckin biggest language police
uhm hi. ive felt extremely seen and related to watching this. i cried three times. im a 17yo mixed transfem gnc art student etc etc... the part of you that you put into this video is beautiful and i, me, completely, whatever, want to say thank you. i realize now how much of my experiences are shared, and how much people came before me. i also want you to know that so many of your questions and experiences had, in some incredibly indirect way, an impact on me and other younger queers, even though we never met. thank you so much for having been you, and sharing it, and looki out for us
This video means a lot to me, I had no idea that it would bring me to where I am by the end of it
Thank you for this, and thank you for sharing your story
oh wow thank you so much!
WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING HERE! Really cool to find you out in the wild dude! Have a good day lmao
W-W-W-WHITE BOY?!!?!
It's my favorite funny white boy 😮
This is going to sound incredibly weird but this honestly seems like fate
In some strange roundabout way a few months ago on a dumb dog stream with tennis lesbians you got me here
I’ll elaborate no further there is no way to make it sound less insane but uhh thank you for that I guess
This is not just a video essay, this is what I call genuine art
for real. this was brilliant!
It's not just art, it's a _journey_
Yeah, I feel like I've been casually digging around the video essay space for a bit, but how did I never find this woman??? This was great! Super well edited, good emotional storytelling, gets into really interesting topics through interesting media, and all of it just kind-of comes together seemlessly. I feel like when I usually stumble across someone I haven't heard of they're making really grand statements I don't really agree with or they're trying to force connections, but this just kind-of clicked, you know?
I'm a straight, CIS man with no issues with my own gender or identity and have every reason to not ever watch this kind of content and would live a long, healthy, "normal" life otherwise.
But works like this are so incredibly valuable specifically to my demographic, as this kind of deeply emotional and honest, unflinching look at human complexity does more than any kind of essay or logic or facts or spiteful arguments ever will, this will help everyone understand and empathize better with people who are struggling and feel even more lost and out-of-place in the world than we normally do as a species.
We are not going to change the world with reasoning and logic, we will change it with emotion and feelings, the purest form of human motivation. We are not a logical species, and all of our conflict comes from us feeling different things and creating different stories to explain those feelings. Works like this help all tell the same story about why we feel what we feel.
@@themachine5647
enabling these young men is not going to help them and not going to help the world.
The fact is these are men, someone has to be, and I think the real moral of the story is what societal pressures are we putting on young men and what condition do these young men face that would lead them to such a drastic measure as "trannsmaxxing" which is the case a lot of the times.
The title betrays just how beautiful this piece is. I know that this essay is also pointing out something problematic... In this case it's like a revolutionary song, poem or story. It brings to light something ugly about our world in a very personal way and contrasts it with a climax or creciendo of solidary, comradery, and genuine vulnerability.
Thanks for sharing. I'm glad you're still here, it this world.
After watching I think I agree although I watched because of the title
Exactly, like just the end animated bit is 5/5 masterpiece of a video, it was beautiful. i didnt watch the rest of the video, its not interesting to me. but that whole part is just like holy shit.
I don’t comment on many videos, but I feel like I need to thank you for bearing your soul on this canvas. This was a work of art. Raw self expression and perspective. It was beautiful, even the hard or ugly bits, and I will see the world differently now because of you.
I wish you the absolute best. You deserve it.
I had not been so deeply touch from a youtube video in a lot of time. I am and old man, 50, who has had bisexual inclinations and actions most of his life. But after a traumatic year in which my whole world plumbed into nothing, i became an enclosed person, deeply traumatized and physically ill. The sense of not being able to perform masculinity... that is something i need to look into. Your video has given me emotion a bit more knowledge and understanding that I am not alone, i'm not a weirdo, I am just a person who needs help. Thanks. Sincerely. And all expressed with the honesty you have shown... thank you im literally crying, thanks. And all of this is serious. thanks..
❤
Good luck out there! You are a person who deserves to be loved and to be able to love the world, so I wish you the best in rebuilding your world.
take the red pill.
Yeah I cried too. 36, just self diagnosed AvPD with 100% certainty and so much of my fear of shame is about fitting the expectations of being male. I have fantasized about being female so many times, but I would phrase it at least as carefully as Oshimi and I do admit the incel/autogynephile angle. Strong manmoder vibes but I don't think I will ever transition or, fingers crossed, regret that I didn't. But maybe I'll finally one day get rid of the goatee that has never left my face since it started to grow.
@@justaweeb1884 Is that the one with testosterone? Lots of options. Personally I'd go for the pill with Ayahuasca, haven't tried it myself, but I hear it's the one that'll really wake you up.
this video is legitimately lifechanging and perspective-shifting, ive never felt more seen on such an intimate and personal level. thank you for making this
that's sad
you put into words what i couldnt. this video changed my life entirely.
This video is gr00ming. Even if you feel like a woman it doesn't mean you are trans
@Hangedman1999 you're not even using the word grooming right, nor are you brave enough to write it without censoring yourself. just stop spamming
Love you
I’m not sure if you’ll ever see this, but I can’t thank you enough. I’m dealing with alot of issues, and I feel isolated, and I hate the labels I put on myself, and i’ve never seen anything like this before, I feel seen. I can’t stop crying. Thank you. Thank you so much.
thank you random person for being who you are, you are so loved and beautiful, im so glad i get to share the earth with wonderful people like you ❤
I cried
same, i’ve had to pause multiple times because i would just start crying
😊
I have just now found this video after someone sharing it to me on Threads when I asked for more manga in the similar vein of Ranma 1/2, and while this manga is a whole different animal, I will say that this is just what I needed. This video is so well done, editing, the writing, the emotional rollercoaster that all the parts together take you on. Thank you so much for this, this is amazingly well done and I do not have the words to properly thank you or congratulate you on your efforts. So I'll just say thanks.
That's a real low blow from the homie on threads lmaoo, though this work of art deserves such a strange finding
Damn.
You made me remember how it felt watching Ranma. 🥹
If watching something truly made me question myself that's the one.
This video genuinely made me cry. Everything about your story hits way too close to home.
made my pp cry
@@kalmmonke5037 😭😭
"I don't know if I wanna be a girl, but I know I don't wanna be a boy. I just wanna be pretty" hit so close to home. Coming to terms with my own identity was me saying "I don't know what I want to become, but I know that what I am *right now* is not what I want, and not how I want people to perceive me". Sometimes you don't need to know what you want your end goal to be, you just gotta know that you're unhappy with where you are currently and want to change
This is so right. I don't know what I am, but I've known which things I've experienced that made me feel happy, and which that bring me sadness. It's all about being yourself.
I agree with the last part but it’s good to really reflect on the depth of the reasons that makes you feel like that. Sometimes people feel that way for very shallow reason which in turn makes it so that getting rid of shallow things effecting you that much being the real answer to your ache. Instead of giving in to nurture a shallow negativity, which will lead you to an everlasting path&struggle to achieve something you are too blind to see anyway and to begin with. Sometimes it’s not I feel shitty because I’m not pretty but rather why do I feel shitty for not being pretty. Is this a sustainable way of going through life or not. Sometimes one needs to reflect on an image of something outside yourself which consists of more logic then themselves and to aspire to that to be a better version of yourself. Like you wanting to be pretty. It’s inherently not logical. Not because of you desiring it but rather because of what happens within you when that desire is not met and the reason for such. Maybe you desire it because you feel an emptiness which is actually better healed through something less shallow. But don’t forget that everything is part of the same journey that is your life. Shallow or not.
i dont want to be pretty. i want woman. but that requires being pretty thats why i want to be pretty. its that simple
That's why one should always take care not to drink or do drugs during preganacy I suppose
@@QWERTY-gp8fd you don't have to be 'pretty' to be loved
I'm usually very emotionally disconnected to video essays like these, but I cried twice. I'm cis but I do understand a part of that feeling of wishing I could see the world through someone else's eyes and be able to experience life as something else, someone else, and of feeling constrained by the bounds of who I am physically and psychologically. I'm autistic, so I was always keenly aware there is a whole layer of existence I have always been missing, and the general feeling of existing as an outsider has led me to not even be able to relate to conventional femininity, it's... Not even a part of my world. I'm a woman, but I'm also not "a woman". It's kind of an existential dysmorphia/dysphoria. I imagine trans people feel something different, but maybe there's something to the human existence as a whole that just feels weird.
Not being able to transcend this physical body feels like something that's inherently unfair.
I'm autistic as well, and also have cripplingly severe Tourette's Syndrome that is VERY physically painful, and that I cannot escape no matter what I do. I hate it. I wish I could stop twitching just because someone coughing or cleared their throat... But I can't. None of the medicine I've tried, legal or not, has worked. I HATE IT.
Omg same
Also autistic, turned out also trans lol
Maybe you can try doing research to transcend it
@@fuel-pcboxfirstly, I am not writing what I am writing to try and downplay any of what you’ve said. Everyone’s struggles should be heard with an open heart. This isn’t even advice either just perspective
Second, I think if one keeps on thinking of your limitations purely as something you cannot escape… well there’s no “out” so to say. All of us have an extremely limited set of tools, our body and our mind, and pretty much every has some sort of further limitation in one or both of those tools. We move forward, in spite of our limitations, painfully, at a snail’s pace, in what feels like countless but also brief time, and that’s all we can do. Tick or no tick, a “standard” pair of limited tools or not, we move forward.
Or well, we can move forward. Ultimately it’s a choice to go through that pain every day. Personally sometimes I can move forward in a day, sometimes I do not, sometimes I even move backwards. It’s how it is for me, but at least for now I prefer it to constantly thinking of my limitations purely as locked
this video popped up in my recommended videos today, this video is what saved me. im crying violently as i write this, i cried the first time too. that was nearly a year ago, back of november of 2023. i didnt enjoy living for various reasons (dysphoria, repressed trauma and more) i didnt have anyone i could talk to about my issues, i held it in. i was so alone and it was unbearable, i thought i would be miserable forever. this video gave me hope, reassurance, and for once in my life i didnt feel alone. im 3 months on hrt now, and im already happier, i feel so alive. i still struggle with being emotionally vulnerable and being feminine, but its getting easier. i find myself thinking about my future after years of suicidal ideations and pessimistic thinking, i can say with certainty, i finally want to build a life for myself, one that i love. thank you ceicocat, for saving me. to anyone else struggling, please keep going. i promise you all your efforts to keep going will be worth it, i know you will be okay.
Im so happy for you!! :DDDD
This video made me reconsider my decision to "go back" to being cis. I was a trans girl for 2.5 years before I decided a few months ago that it was too late to transition and it was just easier to be cis. These 2.5 years felt so isolating because I never met any other trans girls irl and I never really heard any experiences like mine until now since I never really engaged in online trans spaces either. Even though I KNEW I wasn't alone I couldn't ever FEEL like I wasn't alone no matter how hard I tried to reassure myself. But hearing you talk about having felt like you were controlling a character in a video game, or being asked if it mattered if you was a girl or not, and the dissociation and feeling disconnected from yourself. Even the thing with religion hit (almost eerily) close to home for me. With no one to relate to I just felt like a defect and the only thing ever that didn't fit in on earth and so I told all my friends I was cis again, to try to be "normal" and I was convinced it was the right thing but inside something felt off, but I ignored it until I watched this, definitely have a lot to think about. Thank you for this beautiful video :D it was awesome.
You should really take time to connect with yourself, life is hard when we're young and figuring ourselves out. I think everyone should accept the body their born with because it's beautiful. This is easier said than done though. And is much easier when you have good strong role models. So I pray you find those as well. Once you're confident enough in your identity, you won't need external validation all the time, because you'll be your biggest supporter. That journey is very hard though, but it's more than worth it!
I wish you the best
@@ember2.031hey, no! This is wrong
@@completelynormalperson7077 yeah it's crazy. This person (@anthonybee) just poured their heart out and talked about the issues they were facing, and the first comment they get is akin to "your issues aren't real". The user @ember2.031 is a piece of trash
Wishing you the best on your journey of self discovery and connecting (reconnecting?) with yourself. Don’t listen to anyone who tells you that you’re imagining your problems. They’re just being silly.
I hope you’re doing well and finding joy in life, wherever that takes you.
Im a trans man, and its always interesting to see how my experiences both mirror and contrast those of many trans women. I staved off transitioning for longer than i should have because i worried my dysphoria was just because of the way society looks down on women. Surely i couldn't just want to be a man because i preferred it, it had to be because i wasnt willing to take pride in my womanhood! So often it feels like we're born into these massive, sprawling narratives with no room to define ourselves on our own terms, that we're metonyms for struggles we didnt sign up for. but to do something that makes you happy is not to betray the world. thank you for your amazing essay. I look forward to your future work.
As another trans man, who is still pre everything and was just waiting for the moment to say "Today I'm going to transition!"... well. I was already crying from the video, and when I finished reading your comment I had to go in my bedroom and scream my tears out. "I'm not trans, I just need to wait more", and "Before transitioning I should study more the medical side of it, so that I know what I'm going against" and "Maybe I just need to accept my womanhood!". It's painful. It's so painful. It's so fucking terrible. In this last period I feel like I just want to let myself rot in the dirt because of this stupid body. And then come the death terrors. The absolute, freezing certain terror of death that comes to us all... but then I always come to a realization. I'm only scared of death because I don't want to die leaving my grampa's fucking words be in vain: "Always be true to your heart". But then I go back into just fucking waiting, and the self hate, and the fear of transition and the fear of uncertainty. So much pain. And even more offending is the fact that my body absolutely kills my libido, which was rampant when I was younger, and now it's just... fizzling out, like a fucking candle. And when I get horny, I feel my body and I want to do stuff with my boyfriend and--
I'm sorry.
I have a gender, and I must scream.
Hello, I wanted to ask something about being trans. I'm genuinely curious and my intention is not to offend or doubt the experiences of anyone.
There are three things that don't connect to me about transgenderism. The body, the brain, and society.
Firstly, society. It's what defines the roles, and expected behavior of the genders through social constructs, which varies from culture and time, and then pressures individuals into fitting their gender. So to society, gender is not really about the body (genitalia), but a series of things that have nothing to do with it, but that have been associated with it.
Then, the body, more specifically the genitalia, whose only function is to allow sexual reproduction, and to that, nothing of what society defines as gender matters, neither what a person feels about (their) gender.
Then the brain, where some studies showed that the brain might align to what "gender identification" one identifies as, which is independent from both the body and society.
These three things seem to be so mixed into the definition of a single word called "gender".
And my question is, how is it possible that having a certain genital would feel wrong? What is there to be felt?
Some people feel like they have a "wrong nose", but only because society defines what an ideal nose is. Idk if that's a good comparison.
I’m not particularly a trans man myself, but i seem to be transmasc leaning????? Idk gender is fucking confusing; but I agree!! I personally find the idea of womanhood to be like an extremely small box that I can’t fit in, and I just want to escape from that association of being a “woman” and what that societally entails……it’s likely some of my feelings are influenced by trauma but that desire to escape your AGAB is a strong one
@@Blargle42069 what if it is that society wrongfully determines that women have to be a certain way, and you happen to not fit in that way, while "that way" has nothing to do with being a woman?
@@emilzapata4282 and how would that be bad faith exactly?
A lot of what you said reminds me so much of my childhood and my current discovery of being autistic. I cried. Thank you for sharing.
I genuinely can't fathom how much work, passion, pain and joy you put into the video. I relate a lot to everything, I can only simply thank you, I feel seen.
I think it's a pretty common experience for autistic people to crave a label so they can feel like they belong, but also to feel like there aren't enough words in their language to accurately describe who they are. Labels can be useful for communicating a concept quickly, they're efficient, but to be so efficient a lot of context is lost. I still consider myself to be a man in the sense that I have masculine movements and ways of talking (it also describes the ways of thinking I was largely raised around), but I also paint my nails.
I have a desire to know what it's like to live as a woman because I've only experienced living as a man, but I also don't want limit myself to only living as a woman. I just want to have a large sample size for all the various experiences humans can have in life. Just hyperfixate on the concept of experiencing life from as many perspectives as is physically possible.
Exactly. I see this the same way even though I wouldn't even consider myself autistic. I'm just a cis woman who always for my entire life said the most interesting thing, the thing I'd wish from a djinn would be to be or to get to knowledge about what it would be like to be a man, even just for a day. What it feels like to be approached as a man, to have what is considered normal male hormon levels and to gather experiences from a male perspective in our society. What it feels like to have a male body, male strength, sex with my male body. What it feels like to be treated as "their little boy" and what it feels like to get praised or to be shamed for being a good or bad man. But all that while coming back to my actual identity. I just want a perfect VR game or something. A very damn good LSD trip or something that lets me live through it. That's not per se trans, that just hella fascinating. I was also always very fascinated with getting a glimps into the lives of other in general. Always wanted to know what the flat of my neighbours look like and how they go about very simple things. It's just a wish for real deep connection. It's a shame than we only live a single life.
this is an entire ass mood for me lol
This is such a relatable concept. Wanting to live in the shoes of others not just out of envy, but more of curiosity. What is it like? I want to know more about others and their lives and struggles. If only it was that easy to pick what you like. A male, female, anything else you want. Building perspective is extremely important, and the greatest way is to become who want to learn about. If you want to know them in and out, become the embodiment of them. I would love to get the experiences of all lives, good or bad. “The Egg” by Andy Weir is a dream of all people becoming one person, a singular life stuck in a progression escaping time, living all lives while forgetting all the previous ones. I want to know what it is like to be that one person with all their past lives in memory. If only we were able to set ourselves to any avatar we wished to embody, the whole world would change, and new problems would arise while old ones will melt away.
I know that most people won’t read this if they come across these block of texts. Just know that many people are relating to how you’re feeling, and some people want to feel how everyone is feeling, it’s just not possible since we only have one life. We’re all here to leave a thought in a comment, even though I didn’t even mean to watch this video.
As an autistic person, all of this gender talk turns out being extremely confusing and annoyingly unnecesary, why can't things be the way they always were? much simpler, easier to comprehend
(also autistic) thing is, it was always there. it just wasn't as openly known as it is now, at least in part do to evangelical archeologists calling almost every gay couple in history/mythology brothers/sisters/cousins/best friends and almost every bit of trans historical record as a mistake or just flat out ignoring it. It's also incredibly relevant to the people who are some form of trans/non binary. also IMO it's not really that complicated or confusing, just use whatever pronouns people go by. like in my experience 99/100 people will politely correct you unless you're being a dick about it and the other 1/100 are usually just kind of sick of it or were kind of an asshole to begin with. @@coyee2801
This video made me cry twice. My experience of life is waiting. Waiting for a day to end so that I can go to sleep again. Waiting for motivation so that I can do homework. Waiting for the day I turn 18 and my life is simultaneously saved and ruined by an aspect of me that will tear my family apart. This is the first time I have felt seen. Inside Mari left a mark on me, but this gave me a new appreciation for it. Thank you for seeing me. It is a small flash of light in an overwhelmingly dark and heavy place.
You need to grow up kid.
@@Infamous1892 Literally lol.
If I can say something : do not chose inaction
It's the worst choice.
I was just like the guy in the video, always alone, no hope, no ambition, trapped in self hatred.
And.. I did nothing.
Now it's been 11 years that's I've stopped everything, my young years are over, and I still didn't experience life
Do not get stuck in self loathing. Do not be afraid of being hurt a bit. Because the remorse is worse that most thing that could've happen, and the self loathing get deeper.
Excrutiatingly well-said. I felt your words right in my soul 😭😭
This video is making me feel many things.
I see guys go down this path of self-hatred into the arms of the incel community and it breaks my heart.
I’m not trans or an incel but I’ve struggled with self hatred from another source I’m not comfortable sharing. Thank you for sharing your story in this video. It’s weird to say this, especially since I’m not trans, but it’s nice to know other people have felt that feeling of looking in the mirror, seeing a person, a human being who deserves happiness and saying “I hate that thing”. I’m so glad you are making it through. I’m so glad you found yourself.
I hope you find a happy place for yourself.
being an incel just means ou cant smash dosent mean you hate women i hope you know that
"another source" is drug abuse?
Incels are just dudes that give up the competition.... And they are, like they said, failed males.... Not by losing in competition, but for not keep trying.
The true core of masculinity is competition, and a lot of ppl dont understand that.
And like some comment above says.... I do belive woman have a more humane experience, they can feel way more than us, they have more empathy too.... The thing is... feelings and empaty rarely win any competition. In fact, in many cases just makes one weaker.
I'm also neither demographic but the struggle is real. When they say to be a man is to be stoic, then I'm being stoic for refusing to follow traditional masculine ideals placed by stranger who don't know me, then I get called effeminate insults for standing my ground, it's paradoxical.
Watching this taught me two things
1. I dont need to be trans to be me
2. Im a horrible failure who needs to stop being a shut in parasite
I dont know how, im overwhelmed with guilt and delirium thinking about my life and im not okay
I need help, i cant get myself to improve at all
And i know this is just a beautiful piece of art a lovely lady made but i have this overwhelming urge to apologise for who i am in this comment in the face of something i need to be
Idek, ty for making me cry
@GuilhermeReale-pr2vx thank you for asking, thats very sweet of you
I was not doing well when i wrote this and my thoughts on myself have altered a bit
I regret writing this to some degree, the thanks at the end was a genuine thanks but it reads as a nasty jab at the youtuber so i feel bad for that
Ill get better with time, im not sure about my future with transitioning or not but this video was a reality check for that and taught me a lot
I hope you are feeling better ❤ I'm sorry we teach people to feel like a failure when we could help them instead. You are worth getting better and feeling happy.
You're not a failure. You're someone who tried something and discovered it wasn't working for you. Sometimes people do something because it seems the safest route, only to later find it restrictive. Now you can reflect, find what would bring you more joy, and move slowly towards that.
Getting help is the first step in helping yourself. Good job! That's something to celebrate 🎉
You are so much grander than you perceive. Growth in my opinion is the most precious thing to aspire towards and your already in that journey.
Your allowed to be soft, your allowed to be vulnerable. Keep being yourself until the right people come along and the wrongs ones are a reflection of their own issues and not yours.
To the future that awaits us internet stranger, and be kind to yourself throught growth
I became an incel hikikomori addicted ta drugs when i was around 19. I had a lotta bad interactions with a couple women and got SA'd and it made me really uncomfortable with them. I became uncomfortable with life in general. After a few years of ups and downs and isolation i got clean started changing my life. I worked out, i worked on a ranch a gokd while. I became the ideal version of a dark haired ranch guy and women started hitting on me and stuff. It freaked me out. My first drunken one night stand with a girl was the most terrifying thing of my life but i did it and felt like id gotten ta the point in my life i was considered "a chad". But i was still super unhappy. I felt i was missing something.
Then i met my first boyfriend.
Hes an idiot. A sweet feminine nerd who was really patient with me. Through my time dating he allows me ta be who i really am. Soft. I like being romantic, i like being a lil childish, i like pouting at him when i feel annoyed. Im not trans. But i do like being what would probs be comsidered a little feminine. Even started painting my nails. Im still kinda exploring this side but its such a nice joyful sense of myself i never thought id find. Were breaking up soon because of me moving and life splitting us apart. But hes opened my eyes ta what i feel is my real sense of self anf ill never forget that. (Sorry for rant im dumb as shit)
Glad you are finding yourself 🥹
Wow this is touching
Good job man, hope you find happiness somewhere in your life and comfort in your own skin.
That is beautiful.. I can relate to having someone open your eyes then having to split. Take these gifts you’ve been given and don’t ever forget them.
This is written beautifully, despite the spelling mistakes lol. Hope life is well
This hits hard as a cis female who never really felt like a "girl" or "woman". Im not trans, but ive always felt disconnected from being a girl. But at the end of the day, im just me. I don't need to label myself because i am just me. Loved the video!
If you're interested in a label, "demigirl" is a person who partially associates with a femme identity, usually also partial towards an enby.
If not, thats a-okay too! You dont need labels. :)
@@sw33t.angela Yeah if I were to label myself I've found that's the closest thing accurate to what I am. But I've found not labeling myself at all is what works best for me! But thank you!
@@Calliemariie that's valid
@@sw33t.angelaShe says she doesn't need a label and then you try to attach a label onto her, do you not realise how insensitive that is? And your sentence at the end doesn't fix that. Your first response to someone saying they don't want a label was to try to label them. That's messed up.
@@myon9431 I suggested a label to use that I believed may have been helpful. I didn't force a label on her and also accepted/suggested she can just not have a label (which she still went with and is totally fine!)
my favorite thing about inside mari is it can work from either binary trans perspective. mari's longing to be a man instead of a teenage girl is easily interpreted through an ftm lens as well, and was always how i looked at the work (probably due to being a trans guy myself). really interesting to hear it from the other side.
also, your transition story made me cry. this is probably now one of my favorite video essays of all time.
0:20 counterpoint: funny silly goofy little creature
Every waking moment on this earth that I spend is dedicated to being that exact description
A pet. You want a pet, not a partner.
Trust me, that's just an entry point to becoming an enby
I haven't cried to a video in a long time. Hearing your story, sharing the emotions you felt, seeing how closely my feelings and experiences mirrored yours, this video really means something to me. Growing up, I was the shortest guy in my school: 5'2", frail body, hardly masculine, hated sports, competition, and machismo. I always felt a disconnect with what my friends and family thought I was, and the person that I felt that I was. My entire childhood was overshadowed with the idea that I needed to be what my parents wanted me to be: a normal boy. The question of "who am I?" never left my head. I eventually discovered online queer spaces and learned about different gender expressions and identities. But it took years realizing that my experience mirrored ones of transgender people that my feelings finally clicked. All of the dysphoria, the feelings of dissociating from my body, the awkwardness in trying to fit in socially, my desire to wake up as something different (if at all) made sense.
There are days where I feel that I let my parents down, not becoming the "man" that my parents wanted. I still have days where I question whether I can label myself as "trans". Somedays I look in the mirror and see a gross pervert trying to become a woman, sometimes I see me. Regardless, at the end of the day, transitioning makes me feel better. I'm very early in my transition, starting HRT only a month ago. Before HRT, I wanted to end my life. Now I don't. I think that's a good enough reason to transition. I feel like myself.
EDIT: I appreciate the all supportive comments! I wanted to clear up some things that I might've not stated as clearly in my original comment:
I am not transitioning simply because "I wasn't manly enough". Like every other big decision people make, it took a long time to research and consider the possibility of HRT before I decided it was the best option for me. I'm fully aware of the negative consequences of transitioning. But to act like this isn't one of many significant choices that don't come with downsides (some of which are practically negligible compared to the upsides) is silly.
And several more months into treatment, while I feel MUCH better compared to myself pre-HRT, I understand how my initial thoughts while on HRT sounded like regret:
1. Mood changes are a common side-effect when taking estrogen.
2. I don't intend to imply that everything else in my life was suddenly fixed. My first impressions of disgust make total sense. If I already felt disgusted in myself before transition, starting my transition would only put more emphasis on my body that hasn't fully transitioned. Transitioning is a long process and expecting zero road bumps in the process is also silly.
Thank you for reading my TED talk.
It won't end well. Trust me.
Not sure what the above person meant but - I'm glad to hear you feel like yourself and the steps you've taken may seem small but are great
@@revolvertaco7493 yeah we'll trust you, an expert in mental health, hb you transphobes leave this issue up for professional psychologists and the person themselves?
@RyuKyu.77 do whatever you want. Your mistakes to makes.
@@revolvertaco7493 *to make
Also you say "it's your life whatever" But also says "don't do it, you'll regret it" I mean if you think "it's your life" Why even bother in the first place? Plus I'm sure she consulted her therapist beforehand and went through all procedures to even get hormones, they're not give gender affirming care like candy, you'll have to be diagnosed with gender dysphoria. What makes you, an outsider who knows nothing about the person above, a right to have a say in her life? Are you her friend?
Idk why this was a recommended video, but your ability to tell a story is absolutely captivating. Really fucking awesome of you to do this video. My story is dissimilar to yours, but growing up as a black boy in a predominantly white town (where the only example of black people was in the prison that most families worked at), I grew up hating the skin I saw in the mirror.
Wasn't until I was 27 that I actually learned to love that person. I could never confidently say how my story is the same or different than yours or anyone else who's even thought of transitioning, but I can say that the power we feel once we're able to see ourselves (and love that person) is universal.
Thank you for sharing your story.
this video reached me in the middle of a relapse of self-hatred and depression, that i had been away from nearly a year. i thought i was alright to live without transitioning, i was wrong. i officially start my transition now, thank you so much - more than i could possibly express
sad to hear you're going to commit suicide, wish you nothing but the best.
you will never be a woman
I hope you find happiness, and wish you the best. ❤️
Wishing you all the best. xxx
godspeed kid.
i doubt you will see this, but this video saved my life. Hearing you talk about how you came to choose to transition flipped a switch inside of me that was buried very very deep. thank you
I clicked on the vid cus it sounded like a meme, I wasnt ready for you to grab my soul, dissect it and put it back together over and over again. I cant say i was in a good place to watch this and im definitely going to have to take the rest of the day off, but holy shit this was an amazing video.
im gonna go read some comfort media cus i havent cried like this in a long, long time
Yeah…
Me too lmao
The part where your therapist said "does it really matter if you are a girl or not? It sounds like you are in pain, real pain" hits me so hard. I struggle with identity, not just gender. It pains me to be percieved, as anything, but especially as someone with gender. Though i dont consider myself as trans, I also dont feel like I fit the "mold" as cis. Sometimes I want to get rid of anything on my body that are percieved as woman, and I know I would still think the same if I was a man. Theres no way to please my brain. I try to hard to find label that I can use, so i can belong, yet the nonbinary label still doesnt seem right. Not sure if I'll ever be comfortable, and im just trying to survive in this gendered world.
I wish you the best on your journeys
On something of an unrelated note, does there happen to be a story to how you chose "hhh" in your username/tag thing whatever?
@hhhpestock951 not really, im not sure how I got the name hhh. But I do often use weird sound or letters as name holder lol
a lovely friend of mine, when I asked them how they identified, they decided to identify as one of their favorite feelings or favorite things. "I identify as the feeling your skin feels when touching warm water" and honestly that has stuck to me. I don't know if it could possibly bring any sort of comfort... but maybe?
Have you done any reading about being agender? Perhaps you might relate to that?
@zevhara i have read about it, and honestly it's pretty close to how I feel. But for me its not "non existence" but more of that its existence give me extreme discomfort but idk what it is. It's to the point where any pronoun "he, she, they" give me at least a slight discomfort, some more than others. To the point where I asked online friends to refer me with my nickname as much as possible and not use pronoun(though I know that's not always possible) its like everytime a pronoun is used to refer to me i take some damage😭 also I guess its also the feeling that even if I know what it is, theres nothing I can really do to get rid of that feeling.
You're so good at communicating complex and difficult things to express, it's insane.
The video hit me hard and I love it 👍
Mercury's a god of change, after all
literally life changing video btw, ive been so depressed with my transition recently but this ignited some optimistic spark i used to have when i first started this journey. ty the for the hope and blue foster was such a good surprise for me bc i fucking love em
Even though I'm not trans and haven't ever really questioned my gender, your story of coming to terms with your transness really resonated with me.
That feeling of brokenness was exactly how I felt for nineteen years before figuring out that I was aroace. And like you, I still doubt myself sometimes. But accepting my identity and relinquishing all of the romantic and sexual expectations that were forced upon me as a man has made me feel so free.
I feel like I can finally love people outside of my family without feeling pressured to "make a move on them." Platonic love is a wonderful, wonderful thing.
I felt the same thing actually, as a fellow aroace. Coming to terms with it and accepting that part of me has also made me feel free and doesn't make me feel broken inside anymore
Hi. I haven't finished watching this (I've just started part 5), but I wanted to tell you this before I forget. So many of the things you went through feel like a gender-flipped version of my own dysphoria and transition, and I feel for you so deeply it made me cry. I want to let you know that I see you- at least, I see the parts of you you've shared here- and that I'm happy we're both here, and that we've both made it. And to anyone else reading this, I'm happy you're here too. I'm happy you've made it this far.
Ah, I've finished the video.
I’ve just started section 3 and have already been almost brought to tears for a similar reason as you. Cant wait for the rest 😭😂 (/gen)
THIS. THIS is what media was made for. this is history, this is an astounding multilevel storytelling of a human experience. Thank you. i had been trying to keep it together your whole video, but the moment you pleaded with god about your pain and suffering broke me. i sobbed ugly tears because my dear friend, this is what community is for, the sharing of information, experiences, connection, your story, this video describes what it means to be human. I truly believe you have captured a topic so ingrained in our social culture, yet so intangible to possess and describe. god im rambling. i would like to thank you for creating a piece of media that connects to so many universal communities. you are a beautiful human being, thank you.
💕🙏💯
Its not
lmao
The ability of any art connect on such deep levels is so damn wonderful, you coulda kept going oh my god, to bear even a small part of your soul and truly be seen even in a brief or small portion is something of a diety in my eyes
I’ve seen this video pop up on my recommended and knowing, just knowing that I would love it. I feel torn down and rebuilt. Amazing piece of art.
I am reading through the comments and I think you should know that by sharing your experience, you opened up a deep connection that people from different backgrounds can relate to. That is very powerful. I hope the best in your journey.
Reading through the comments so far, all I'm seeing is people going through the pipeline and doubling down, with comment threads of encouragement.
I'm not trans or genderqueer but I can absolute relate to the feeling of not knowing who you are.
Not trans either, just mentally ill, and I have an identity crisis scheduled once every few months or so.
I am trans and genderfluid. It's both terrible to consistently get comfort and reassurance in my identity pulled out from under me.. BY me.. and for people around me to always see me as something I can't even want to be. It's getting easier to look in the mirror and see myself, but people wont see the real me for a long time and that's scary.
@TheThreatenedSwan that's... not true at all?
@@TheThreatenedSwan wrong
Literally everyone on earth can, it's a normal and healthy part of growing up and developing into an adult. That's why youth movements are so dangerous
this is so liberating to see
I am a cisgender man but I almost went to the "living as a girl is easier" path because my view of what a man is was really fucked up
Now I can see and work on myself and rather than trying to fit in a mold, I'm just trying to be free and do whatever it makes me happy
I enjoy looking muscular and having manly qualities, but I am also really sensitive and enjoy stuff like K-pop or whatever thing is associated to being femenine. I am happy and I love being myself hehe
omg literally me
HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH DUDE GET A FUCKING GRIP AHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA!
Liking Kpop is not just a feminine thing at all lol
THIS !!
Saving this comment
You may not think or know for certain whether your body is beautiful or not, but your mind certainly is. To watch this and merely call it a TH-cam video would be an absolute understatement; which brings me so much inspiration, optimism and joy to be finding it on this platform. I have paused the video to write this as I feel it has proven everything I’ve said thus far. What an incredibly informative, non-biased and extremely creative display of art and analysis. My enjoyment and surprise to this composition leaves me wondering if it can even be placed within a genre of art at all; and this is not even including my reaction to how much respect I now have to the new discovery of this psychology. You have definitely begun the changing of a mind today.
I do not often comment on TH-cam videos. But I have to tell you that this is beautifully written and animated. The work you've put into it shines through like a bright sun. And the beautiful analogy of caring for and nurturing a seed of happiness deep inside your heart got me really choked up. Thank you for creating this wonderful piece of art, and for having the courage and self-love to share your story, and to pass that baton of love forward
Am I a shapeshifting Pokémon?
Cuz all I can say is Ditto
is this vid basically reaffirming that being a girl is life on easy mode? 😂
@@CopeAndSeeth Definitely not, quite the opposite. Listen for a while starting with 35:18.
@@vaclavtrpisovsky idk my man, watched the whole thing and def that's the vibe i got by the end lmao
Even some of the top comments are saying the same 😅
@@CopeAndSeeth Nah. Life is "easy mode" when you're confident in your own skin. Male/female/etc doesn't matter, it's who you want to be.
every second, every minute, every hour you spent making this video was so unequivocally worth it. thank you so much for sharing, it made me cry.
You know what also could help you if you are a shitty person with no prospects? Growing up and bettering yourself...this is crazy...
@@seane6616Chill out, they said nothing about being a shitty person with no prospects. Why do you feel the need to be so rude to people who haven't hurt anyone? Making rude comments to innocent people sounds like something only a "shitty person" would do.
@@imverxi9457 Pride people have ruined the internet with their censorship, our communities with their overt narcsism and lies, to say they are innocent at this point is insane, no? I got what I said from the video...
It is truly wonderful
this is such a beautiful beautiful video essay. i'm a trans guy and even though our experiences are in some ways completely opposite, in some ways this video felt so completely familiar. the feeling of being a failed version of your assigned gender at birth but the opposite gender being completely out of touch, and the awful psychosexual misery of being obsessed with a group of people who doesn't feel like yours to observe or touch-and then the unspeakable joy of realizing that like. You Can Be A Part of That. that enough wanting means you can just do it, there's no magical sense of transness, that you can just be that. it hits you like a fucking truck. yeah just... wow this video hit really really hard
@@new_chapter-pt7fkIKR? I get reminded of those tumblr posts and tiktoks of trans men who were unable to maintain the same friendships they had pre-transition, and because making new friends as an adult male is very very hard - ended up lonely in so many parts of life... And I relate with this pain so hard OMFG. My life is the absolute opposite of that since I transitioned MTF. Instead of feeling invisible and unbothered - I feel like I'm constantly watched, both in the looked after sense and the creeped on sense. Sometimes both.
@@new_chapter-pt7fk yeah, i totally get how it would be hard to see from ur position... i think for me personally, the fact that i'm also mostly attracted to men really helps lol. when youre a gay guy people put you in a whole other box already so its kind of useless even trying to conform to what it is to be a "good" man, right? i honestly sometimes feel like a flipped version of that incel to trans pipeline because i was always quieter and more masculine than the other girls, like that pig-with-makeup feeling. in some ways being a guy makes people like my past "flaws" more, lol. its funny that it can go both ways
@@new_chapter-pt7fk It's a very interesting dynamic. I have the random urge to ramble about this, so apologies for the long message.
TLDR: Experienced what seems to be a very unusual upbringing and dynamic of being a trans man, which has spared me the "hardcore mode" of being a man, and made life a lot easier and manageable for me. Never have had an issue when it comes to dating, though that's definitely not because of my appearance, more so my personality. It probably is not all that relatable, but it would be interesting to hear if anyone does relate to this, or finds this interesting.
The very, VERY long version;
I'm a full on trans male, having known I didn't fit feminine or female identity since I was young, though the realization of being a man didn't come until a bit later. I had friends both in outcast artist groups who were all AFAB (Assigned Female at Birth) people, and then very contrastingly, friends with an online gaming group that was at the time, all cis men, and the types to say all such slurs you can imagine, but as edgy teens, no real thought behind it. There was only 2 white boys though, the others were varying POC, myself included.
As we all matured (slur usage stopped as well, fortunately), I became a role model for the gaming group. I was the oldest, only by a year to most though, but they actually thought I was really cool. I was into art, metal, programming, etc, and was very confrontational when I needed to be, chill otherwise. While they did address me as a girl in the beginning, because I also referred to myself as such, when I told them quite frankly that I realized I was trans, there was no surprise or objection. They surprisingly adapted really fast to pronoun changes, and my new name. I didn't realize how unlikely that was at the time, for well, an all boys gaming friend group.
At this point, the group I had with the artists fell apart because- literal girl drama. Not even a joke, though I hate to reinforce stereotypes, it included lies and cheating, but with the addition of it being bisexual cheating. Was not fun. I was just an observer, tried to settle them down, but it all just fell apart. Oh well.
The boys I was still friends with, I don't think they ever saw me as a girl perhaps. Though, out of everyone else they knew they could come to me to be emotionally vulnerable and ask for advice, not ever going to one another as far as I know. In a way, much like a father and son dynamic? I also in a way felt I had to protect them, be strong for them, but also be the one to tell them hard truths when they did something wrong. They would take my words heavily, and change themselves to be better. We only once had one of them refuse such, and end up leaving early on.
They would talk about other girls and being attracted to them, but there was NEVER a time one of them expressed attraction to me, and well, I think it may be because I was a boy as well in their minds since the start. They saw me as one of them, and I didn't realize this until just recently, far after we naturally went our separate ways due to adulthood.
One of them did end up transitioning to female, which for her, I wasn't too surprised either haha. She was the most emotionally strong one, but had a lot of self awareness, was deep into the lore of the games we played and loved to ramble to me about the different parts of the lore that I didn't know about. She is no longer with us though, I deeply miss her. She was the one I was closest to, and the only one out of them all that I had met in person, and was able to have a face to face experience with. I still speak with her family every so often.
When it comes to where I am now, I actually feel a lot more comfortable with my solidified identity. Outside of my friend group, I did face experiences which have haunted me, and were done to me solely because I was born female. I almost had been bullied in school for being a "weird girl", but was too confrontational and aggressive to those who tried me or my friends, so they would fuck off. I had gotten detention for being physical violent once, because of one such occurrence. But then there was the trauma I got from a family member, one who barely knew me, and did what he did because he just saw me as a girl. I wasn't even an attractive girl. I won't ever try to understand why he did what he did, but that experience solidified what I felt about myself and the pressures of what sex I was born as. How in truth, I won't ever escape it, but, how my experiences as a boy, and now a man, has been one that I never questioned, what just felt right, and made me happy. Luckily, my disconnect from my assigned birth helped me distance myself from my trauma.
I seem to both be deeply insecure in my mind, but very confident and strong to those who interact with me, all but my boyfriend, who is also trans, and knows everything about me. He (in a mutually humorous sense) makes fun of me for how insecure I am, and tells me when I am being ridiculous for overthinking things or trying to be really careful about how I traverse things. But when it comes to my opinions, be it political, morally, or whatever such things, even when I have a debate with people who disagree, but are respectful, I find them to be understanding of my point of view and overall conclusion on my stance. I have a strong confidence there, and overall it gives others the impression of me being a very confident person overall. Maybe part of me is, without realizing it, and when it comes to those factors. When it comes to myself though, how I perceive myself, I always am very self critical and harsh on my mistakes, or even things that aren't mistakes, but things I think, or know I could have tackled better. Or just that I don't feel all that confident in ME most of the time. I just speak my thoughts when I feel the need to.
With all of that, I think my experience is a bit unusual and maybe unique, though I don't want to take on some "special" title. Just that everything I've gone through seems different to others, or the majority of experiences. I haven't faced the issues of being a man, or well, maybe a straight man (considering the fact that I am gay, and prefer to date other trans men as I feel more connected to them.) I tend to be a more masculine guy too, but I also don't feel my emotions have been suppressed. (Maybe that is also because I am in the LGBT community, and I have the space to be heard, and not feel bottled up.) I definitely still have struggles, but it's mostly because I am trans, and where I live, it's not widely accepted. Otherwise, I'm in a much better place than I was as a kid. I always have been the type to tough through things, but somehow accepting my identity of being a man, toughing through feels easier, and less stressful. I am a young adult, so I have yet to face the full adult experience of being a man yet, so there's still much to learn and experience, but I am certain that I can take it on better than if I had suppressed my identity. I don't want to trauma dump even more, but the most extreme trauma I have, going through the "tackle it head on, make peace with it, and keep going" mindset that I gained through my life, and became very well adapted to as a man, helped me immensely. I think because of it, I am still alive, as the effect of that situation had made me extremely s*icidal. I am alive though, and the strongest I've ever been. Physical transition is still down the road, but I am comfortable with it, and I see it as a future I look forward to fondly.
But yeah, be it the person I replied to, or anyone else reading this, if you did, I strongly commend you. I hope you found something interesting from this.
@@amusedcuriosity3370ong that's so true. The way that society views "gay social norms" is very amorphous and isn't as constrained as the ingrained concept of what it means to be gay is very different than what it is to be a straight man. Sure there are gay stereotypes, but we are far less restrictive as to what qualifies someone as a gay man than we do someone who is straight, which honestly gives ppl who are gay a lot more freedom in some regards VS straight dudes.
@@new_chapter-pt7fk As a trans man I can say being a woman sucks for a whole lotta reasons
This video was magical. I never so much so related to anything in the internet ever. I can only thank you for what you created
Fucking amazing how the internet is able to find these videos that are so wholly me. This is such niche content in real life - seriously, trans, terminally online incel AND Oshimi Shuzou content? You're kidding. But this is me.
I'm Japanese. I read the entirety of Oshimi Shuzo's discography recently, bought all his books. Reading his work on its original language has made me feel that parasocial pull you describe really strongly.
I'm also trans. Born female, realized I can't do it anymore, started talking the medicine that saved my life - in my case, that was testosterone. But everything you laid out, I felt as well - like, eerily similarly. Every beat I've felt the same. I actually experienced the sensation of autogynephilia, because I'm attracted to women, and here I was, in a woman's body. I felt disgusting and angry. It's really fucking painful. Thank you for expressing your pain, your journey, so articulately and approachably. Its amazing to see that there really are people who understand, who have lived life and felt the same things I do and thought the same things I do. Thank you for letting us be good listeners.
I'm really happy you got something out of my video and, more importantly, that you're able to be yourself now. I envy your ability to read Oshimi's work in its original language!! I would love to know what subtleties I missed out on by reading the English translations.
Are you transracial? Or why is your name Thomas as a Japanese person?
@@sigmoidrochade9310you do realize that, while it's a rather homogenous society, Japanese people are not all ethnically Japanese, right? Japan does have a number of aspects that make it appealing for immigration, even though there is xenophobia. Maybe their parents moved there for work when Japan was threatening to become the world's largest economy in the late '80's - early '90's. Maybe they or their parents studied abroad there at one of Japan's many prestigious universities and decided to settle down. Maybe they or their parents moved there because of the high demand for English teachers. Maybe they or their parents served at an Okinawan U.S. military base and liked what they saw. Maybe they're Filipino and moved there. Filipino people commonly have English names.
@@collinbeal On second thought, I actually have a way better explanation: Since he is FtM trans, he could have just picked the name Thomas because it sounds more masculine and the Japanese "deadname" didn't suit him.
However, It strikes me as a rather bad idea to choose a gaijin name, considering how much the Japanese society values conformity. Being trans is one thing, but having such a name on top of that seems unnecessary tough. Official documents for example might require you to write your name with Japanese letters, but there is no letter for "Th".
@@sigmoidrochade9310that's not really a problem. While in English it's spelled with a Th, the name is pronounced with a normal t sound. You could write it in japanese as トマス (Tomasu), which would work fine.
This was so compassionate and raw and lovely. Thank you for putting words to a feeling I've had but also never had words for.
I transitioned to male in high school after years of being "mistaken" as a boy, I believe it was an attempt to live out what society expected of me. This didn't work, and I found myself even more socially isolated and challenged than I was before. My journey so far has been nonlinear and pretty unconventional, but I still feel deeply transexual. I think you described that feeling of intense, personal struggle against societal expectation that's present in all of us very well. These days I don't "pass" as anything, and I like it that way. I've freed myself from what society has always expected from me, both as a young girl and as a young man. I remember reading Leslie Feinberg's book, 'Stone Butch Blues", and feeling, for the first time, like there was someone else out there like me. I cannot describe this feeling well enough, and so I recommend it to every queer person I speak with. Both Leslie Feinberg's work and this video have said things that I've had extreme difficulty confronting and understanding, and for that, I think you're an extremely valuable artist. Thank you so much for making this video.
I really feel this comment. Afab and generally female presenting, but as a kid was always Tomboy that got occasionally mistaken for a boy, and as I grew older I leaned into it by wanting to be one of the guys and actually was thrilled whenever I someone “misgendered” me as he/him; these days I’ve settled on “genderqueer” as a personal label and not going out of my way to present particularly femme or masc and I’ll let people assume whatever they want. It’s nice to hear stories from folks with similar experiences. Thanks for the book rec.
so basically you decided to go from tutorial mode with makeup on to average npc with no penis
If you are born as a man, then you are a man. If you are born as a woman, then you are a woman.
So...Why not just focus on your personality? The need to feel better about yourself with gender delusions is not the best version of yourself, it's the path to narcissism.. To focus on superficial aspects is really absurd
@@_CallMeRex I'm glad my comment could make you feel seen. It is so under-discussed the way that society and our socialization can affect us, and when it is discussed, it's for the goal of eradicating us. Thanks for the reply.
I dont consider myself trans, but i dont think I'm a man either. When we all had to quarantine for covid, i was in college. I had a dorm to myself and was very alone. A lot like the mc in the story. I started to change things about myself because no one else was around to see the changes except those closest to me. I dyed my hair, started painting my nails, wearing different styles, etc. I did all these things not for anyone else, but myself because i liked the way it made me look and it made me happy.
When things got back to normal i felt like i had to conform again. I didnt realize it then, but during that time i got so bitter and unhappy. I recently finished college continued the job hunt, continued conforming. So, I decided to get a competely different job, started to change myself to be happy again and it was working until my family started putting the pressure on me about college and what i went for so like a switch i flipped and changed everything again and it put me in the worst mental place i had ever been. Im better now, and i think im sticking to just being me. I love my family and know they just want what is best and they want me to succeed, but if im going to even live, I need to love myself.
Goddamn what a journey. It felt like a complete video and I paused it and looked and realized I was at the halfway point and you hadn't even talked about the thing described in the title except a little framing right at the start.
Thank you for letting us see this. It must have been terrifying, and there's a chance that it will be found by someone just as terrified and save their life.
I look forward to everything you do in the future.
i don’t think i’ve seen a “video essay” that’s so heartfelt as this. at first ya think it’s just a video essay about a piece of media but then it delves deeper, it goes into personal experiences, things ya didn’t need to share but wanted to whether it was to let a weight off ya chest or what. it was accompanied with beautiful animation that really helped visualize every aspect that ya went through, all the pain, sorrow, hate and happiness. the reason video essay has quotation marks around it at the beginnin is cause this is less of a video essay and more so a life story wearin the mask of a video essay. *this is pure art.* thank you for sharin ya story and i hope life treats ya well!
my nyagga
Violently sobbing, thank you for making this
same, i'm not being hyperbolic (and i dont know if you were) but i started crying somewhere around the halfway mark
Nope! Many literal tears lol@@lethaldream50
me too. fuck.
The second the "look at me" sequence hit i was heaving with sobs
i dont give a shit
This was the worst and best video to watch while feeling dysphoric.
Thank you, truly.
Holy shit this made me cry. This caught me at the right time. I’m a trans man and have been medically transitioning for six years. Last night, I finally kissed a man I’ve been idealizing and infatuated with for almost as long. He’s one of the most beautiful people I’ve ever seen. I painted him a few years ago. He showed up three and a half hours later than he said he would, we danced and made out for a few minutes, and then he said “I actually just want to dance by myself now” and went and talked to his other friends. I left and started to take the hour-and-a-half-long walk home instead of paying for an Uber and I felt, for the first time in years, overwhelmingly suicidal. It was 4:30am, the streets were completely empty, and I felt so disgusting and ashamed and alone. I was in crisis and the self-regulating part of me knew I needed to talk to someone. And I realized there is no one in my life anymore who I felt like I could call at 4:30am in crisis. I broke up with both my previous serious partners, my best friend and I have grown apart, my family is complicated, and everyone else keeps me at a polite distance. I dialed the Trans Lifeline number for the first time since I was 16 but could not stomach the thought of being answered by a tired, burnt-out employee who didn’t want me to die only because they didn’t want anyone to die.
I had no sense of myself as a kid. It got far worse after puberty started. I started believing I wasn’t real. I stopped leaving my room. I wasn’t sad; I just felt like a huge gaping hole. I would crash my bike repeatedly on purpose to try to shock myself out of the world. At 15 I started making an effort to be better at being a girl and it was catastrophic. Looking at myself in makeup felt like looking at an alien. I was completely invisible at school, to passers-by. Trying to be feminine made me feel sick and angry and humiliated in a way that felt too big and dark and wretched for a human. I spiraled and spiraled until finally I attempted suicide. When I got out of the hospital I asked my mom to cut off all my hair.
My parents didn’t let me get on T while I was still a minor, but when I finally did at 18, I felt like I became part of the world. I was, counter to the usual way it goes, able to cry again. I recognized myself in the mirror. I felt attractive for the first time. I had my first romantic and sexual experiences and as hard as it was being gay and trans and as many times as I was rejected after a few hookups, I felt like there was magic and hope and love in my life. I no longer felt like I was trapped deep in the back of my own head, watching myself live from a distance. I got into my first serious relationship eventually. I got engaged to him. We moved in together. The relationship fell apart.
For the past year or so since then I’ve been working on rebuilding my life. On paper I’ve done well at this. I have a really fulfilling and stable job, my family and I are on good terms, I have a social life-but I feel like I’ve re-lost the ability to connect with anyone on anything more than a superficial level. I’m visibly aging and it scares me. My friends have been distancing themselves from me. I’m desperately trying to find the source of the rot but I can’t, and I’m worried that something in me is still fundamentally broken. I’ve been undeniably depressed. But I’ve been staying optimistic and trying to take care of myself, even if I fail more often than not. Until last night. I fell straight back into the abyss last night.
I keep having this thought: what if this is all because I’m not really trans and never was? I try to force myself to imagine being a girl again over and over. It’s not pleasurable, but I keep beating myself over the head with it. I never felt like I was innately a boy growing up-I feel more that I am now, but I’m not much better at it than I was being a girl. I’m just much happier being bad at being a boy than bad at being a girl. But every time I’m not happy, I start to have those thoughts sneaking in-this is it, it’s not working anymore, the jig is up.
I do feel that in many ways I transitioned to escape death, physical and spiritual death. And boys were and are the most beautiful things in the world to me. I wanted to crawl inside them. I wanted to feel like them. And I’m scared of someone or something taking my boy-ness away. I also really hate myself right now and it’s so easy to think, well, look at the most obvious thing first, you’re a transsexual. And I don’t have a strong innate sense of gender. And being a man fucking sucks sometimes. Being a gay man especially fucking sucks sometimes. But it’s also the most precious and beautiful thing I have.
Edit: My God, thank you all. I was really at rock bottom when I wrote this, and I’m not in quite as dark a place now. The day after I posted this, my roommates (who I’m not particularly close to) baked me a surprise cake because I had mentioned I was depressed. I also had a really good candid talk with my best friend. Life’s far from perfect right now, but I’m glad I keep sticking around to see the bright spots. We’ll be ok.
Oh man, I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time. I hope you get to a good place with yourself. xxx
Thank you for sharing. I wish you all the best from the bottom of my heart.
Being an adult is so hard. You think that the intimate connections you have with your peers in high school and college will happen again, but as you go into working life, relationship feel superficial and distant.
I think your gender is the least of your worries at the moment, and like you said, gender isn’t even a thing in your mind. You need to find meaning in your life beyond relationships and self-success.
You could express yourself through art, you’re a wonderful writer. You could find a cause you care about and fight for it or volunteer. I don’t know if it will make you happy, but it will help others and create positive change in the world.
Therepy never hurts.
I’m so sorry your going through this. I don’t know the solution, but you’re a wonderful writer and even though you don’t know yourself, you know what your feeling (that’s more than most can say)
I want you to know that you don't need to be innately anything except yourself. If you feel something comes natural to you, it doesn't matter if you're doing "manning" right. You're valid as a man, you're valid as yourself, and there's nothing you can do "wrong" to deserve that any less.
I get that it hella doesn't feel that way sometimes, but you are a goddamned king. I hope you'll find more people who see that and accept you as you are.
Bless you with all certain things in you life
The manga discussions just as fascinating as the gender discussion. I love when artist can take techniques from other genres and use them in a new way. The small panel build up to a full page spread is a very common tactic in horror manga, Junji Ito is actually really famous for his mastery of the technique. So, to see them implemented to build tension in something that sounds like it could be described as a social thriller? is utterly fascinating.
I'm pretty sure it's called the 'Page-turn' technique, or at least it's nicknamed that
Ceicocat: "I don't know what it means to be a girl"
Me, a 25 year old cis-woman:.....me neither 🤷🏾♀️
same
All I know is the clothes I wear have nothing to do with me being a woman
You mean woman. Just "woman". There is no such thing as cis anything.
i feel like when i put on girl clothes im putting on a costume that covers up 'myself.' shits weird and complicated. and all the rituals.
i think being a girl is kind of being a part of "society of girls"? though im basing this only on my experience of feeling somehow both in and out of place with both boys and girls and thats incredibly confusing to me
Don't know why this cropped up in my feed when it did, but sweet jesus this pulled no punches. The section where you described the phone call with a friend who called you out on being unable to share anything about yourself hits hard. There's something undescribably scary about not being able to answer more meaningful questions about who you are, and I've struggled with not knowing who or what I am a lot.
Thanks for showing that feeling, and making me feel seen, even for a moment.
I'm a cis, straight, white, middle class, whatever whatever bla bla run of the mill, guy.
I've never had any real issues concerning personal identity or something in that neighborhood, I've never had any overarching insecurities at all.
I cried at those last 20 minutes.
I don't want to make this about myself. I don't want to sound like a douche, but I know I will, when I say that this video has thoroughly cemented a deep love for the lgbt(fill in however you want) community in my heart. I already knew I wanted to go into politics, I already knew I was progressive. But this video has awoken a sort of primordial wish to *protect* in me.
Thank you, ceicocat. You have gained an adoring fan.
oh, you are not progressive
@@ragberkotobuki41Here we go with the lefts purity politics
As someone who very much is not an every day guy, this is exactly what the world needs. Someone who just want those more vulnerable than themselves to be safe and protected. Empathy is in short supply and yours is very much needed and appreciated ❤
Don't listen to that asshole first reply, this comment made me tear up a bit from happiness. I hope you are able to achieve everything you want to achieve 🥹💖
I’ll help, hmu
God, that animated section was gorgeous. Thanks for that.
That statement made by Oshimi in the more recent context cut through me. It's not really a desire to be a woman, it's a desire to escape the expectations. Couldn't help but cry at that.
This video was extremely hard to watch, but it is beautiful. Thank you for making it. I'm sure it was hard to create as well.
''none of that matters that much to me now, none of that can ever describe the nuances of existing as a person, its beyond language'' really resonated with me, beautiful video ceicocat!
I am a trans man and man, this hits hard, not only in the general trans experience. Embodying a girl's body as a man, any joy I felt towards it was...lust, and I got further and further away from it. That was the only escape I got from it. I felt guilty, hating something so beautiful. I felt like there was this girl, not me, who would want this body, to return to it, so who was I, this lost, degenerate man to take that away from her? She never existed, but dammit it feels like she does.
Ive always felt myself drawn to transfeminine narratives like this (and songs like IDK If Im A Boy) because of my warped relationship to femininity and manhood. I felt guilty for not embracing this "gift" and wanting to be "less", in a way.
Over time, things got better, Im so much happier, and so on, but man, this makes me want to express my own experience with transness, in all of its "ugly" sides, too.
Sounds like you don't like how sexualised the media portrays women and wanted out so became trans. A common story for TIFs, and one that doesn't escape the sexism.
@@pancakepop680 lol. you understand nothing.
@@pancakepop680 there’s a comment above this one that seems far more in line with this take, literally saying stuff about how they didn’t want to be “sexualized” by society. Obviously you’re wrong, but for you to say it HERE as opposed to saying it on the other where it feels more “fitting” than something that doesn’t imply it at ALL is bizarre.
Anyway, they never talked about how ppl perceive women. They only talked about how they saw the female body. That said, the previous comment that does touch on sexism and sexualizing women and you’re right in that they’re not able to escape it.
But if you’re trying to say that’s what this trans person is, you’d be wrong. What’s the point in changing your “inside” to fruitlessly avoid *outside* perception? They’re not dumb. It’s for themselves, and nobody else.
@@ma.2089 dont engage them lol it''s trolls
@@pancakepop680 what happened to bait not being obvious..
While I was watching this my thoughts went from “wow this manga is fucked up” to “am I going to obsess over this author now?” to the absolute rollercoaster of emotions at your personal story. What a lovely and wholly genuine message. My heart broke and I felt grief, the one I feel each time queer tragedy happens around me- it’s something I experience more than I should. We are all such beautiful people, it’s heartbreaking to see the struggle we have to go through just to be ourselves. This story is one so close to home and I just…grieve like it’s the first time every time.
“Queer tragedy” uh I’m really not trying to be rude but I REALLY do not think this manga should be seen as a relatable queer tragedy
@@blueizumi I'm pretty sure OP is referring to ceicocat
@@kurasuta3715 ceicocat’s analysis is still messed up and transphobic
Why is it transphobic? Did you watch the whole video
@@blueizumican you explain why?like genuinely:)?
This video made me cry. Thank you very much for making it :)
the way you talked about yourself, your gender and labels, I don't think I've ever heard anyone put how I feel in words before. thank you for this
same dude. when she was discussing how she couldnt recognize herself in the mirror and felt broken and couldnt envision herself, i nearly cried twice because i am practicslly the fucking same. word for word, almost every experience she had.
that section about your story was absolutely beautiful. it pains me that the doubts of "am i truly trans or just a creepy perv" torture trans people so much, and it pains me even more that a lot of people push those exact doubts onto them. i wish all labels and expectations would disappear into thin air, and everyone could just be themselves with no expectations. while im nowhere near trans, ive thought about how exhilarating it would be to wake up in the body of a woman, and have none of the expectations of being a womanizing strong man. thank you for this video
Its good to have at least some behavioral expectations for people you dont understand how monstrous some people can be and the only way to control that darkness is social expectations. For example we shame and punish people for pedophilia. If we didn't what would stop people from hurting and abusing kids? Shame is still a useful tool.
The unfortunate reality is that expectations are reality. You can be yourself as much as you want but you will have to face that reality eventually, the expectations of those you want to be with will always happen regardless.
@@joshuaortiz2031 exactly, something people need to be taught growing up is that shame doesn't mean we are bad people, quite the opposite, shame means we desire something better of ourselves but we have let ourselves and others down, it's a tool to help encourage us to do better and be better than we were, you have to accept your shame and use it to inspire you.
@@joshuaortiz2031 I...don't think they ever said that stuff should be made ok. There's a big difference between gender expectations and doing awful stuff. It's not like removing social norms would make murder okay.
People should be able to live the lives they want without being forced into boxes as long as they are not hurting other people in the process. I can't drink and drive just because I want to since I would put others in danger.
But I should be able to live outside of the need to fit into a traditional or masculine role and expectations.
i chose to just be a creepy perv instead.
This has brought me, a guy usually presenting as straight and what's usually considered a normal dude, to absolute tears because this genuinely spoke to me more than almost anything I've ever viewed before. You connected so many dots and just spit facts for an hour straight it's actually incredible.
successfully groomed
@@spindinswans9091 could you explain what you mean?
@@fishtail2616I think they meant how op has been changed his way of views from this video, probably hinting that op might change gender, I guess. All I know is it is better not to feed the troll any attention.
Bro, I feel you, this video is nonetheless life changing for me, lately my mind has been so confused over am I or am I not trans, but this video spoke words of realization to my mind, and because of it I feel a little better for knowing that I'm not alone in this one, idk, it is kind of comforting knowing this
@@jopelaros It really is like I'm not about to go do anything drastic but I've ended up feeling more comforted the last few days :)
This was such a beautiful video. I've never felt any dissociations with my physical identity, but I feel like I've got a much deeper understanding of the people I know who do. I have a lot to think about
This was actually really engaging and I’m a straight dude who hasn’t really struggled a lot with these kinda things. I’m glad this video took off so much for your channel. Hope there’s more long format essays like this soon.
As someone who's been struggling with my sexual and gender identity for nearly a decade now, i appreciate the amount of time and effort you put into this video immensely. It takes a lot of courage to talk about your life experiences like that, and what youve said about inside mari definitely had some resonence with me. Im not very good with words but thank you so much for this hour long experience
This resonates with me so much. I was 15 the first time I said it out loud and 30-something before I even heard of transgender. I've lost many jobs because I couldn't stand being around other people. It was this year, at the age of 54, that I finally reached the 'try transitioning or die' point. That was in March, and I might get my hormones this week. Its been delayed by other health issues, but hopefully those are cleared now.
Good luck on getting hormones!!! you guys that transition later in life are genuine inspirational heroes to me btw
congrats! hope your journey is a wonderful one!
lmao 54
I'm late to the party, but I gotta say that when you said that part about having to choose between doing what is socially acceptable and sucking it all up or choosing to help my own inner suffering by dressing and looking the way I want, it hit me. So hard.
I just want acceptance man
I'm not trans, but I've always struggled on some level with gender, not really in the common sense of feeling like I was a different one, but like, I always struggle to understand why I have to be a certain way solely due to my being male, I think about how growing up and pre puberty I'd want to play with my sisters and their friends doing "girly" things or wanting to join in but being told I couldn't, or that I made it awkward since I was a boy. I eventually got older and started conforming more to what boys were "supposed" to do or enjoy, and I would claim to dislike things I did like due to feeling that liking those things were "feminine". It didn't make me happy though, and I never really fit in with the boys either, I could act it out fairly well, but I always felt some level of disgust at myself for behaving in those ways. Eventually, I gave up on it all, I didn't really try as much to socialize beyond the few close friends I had, and I shut myself out for the most part. I wasn't happy with how I was or how I looked, or whatever, but I felt like I couldnt change anything. I think what really helped me change for the better was when I started growing out my hair, I wasnt sure at first, but with my families praise I resolved to grow it out and make it look good, it became the one thing I really liked about myself physically. I came to the realization that I didnt really idenify with "male" or "female" in particular, (although I do consider myself a male at least on a biological level) but I really want to be seen as just "me", no labels or expectations that I look or act a certain way due to my maleness, or my autism, or whatever aspect of me that people think defines me. I am still working on being true to myself more and more over time, but videos like yours really help to encourage me that the path to being true to yourself is worth it. I really resonated with what you said about feeling like a "failure of a man", and I'm glad you are doing better now and are living more true to yourself. Thank you for the video.
I'm sorry if this was long winded or incoherent, I really struggle with getting my thoughts and emotions verbalized
Nov 2024 edit: so uh, about the definitely not being trans... 🐣(maybe)
It's important to remember that masculinity and femininity aren't nearly so pervasive, all-defining, or constricting as the trans activists would have you believe. Most men aren't terribly masculine. Most women aren't terribly feminine. They're more... average.
yeah... even the cis folks need to spend some time unpacking all those crap expectations and pressures.
I have felt and feel similar just from the other side. I was born female and all these expectations of what a female was supposed to be, I didn't fit into it. I liked playing with legos and cars, with trains and tinkering with electronics. I liked computers and games and it was always a struggle to be accepted for just who I am without it being genderfied somehow....I didn't like makeup and i preferred wearing loose clothes and pants, I preferred spending time with boys because their interests matched better with mine and because they seemed to like that I was not judging them for what they liked and that I was even engaging with them on their same interests.
Though obviously it also came with it's problems....
For a while I thought, maybe it would have been better if i had been born a male....but I learned pretty quickly that they were not free from expectations, just that they were different expectations, just as much pushed into a corner for their gender as I was.
interestingly I also learned later that I'm likely autistic. I think the way we see the world differently, makes us question those unspoken rules more, because of this inert need to understand everything, for everything to make sense.
This whole societal gender thing doesn't make sense. Why is it more boyish to act rough? or more girlish to wear makeup? why is there this expectation to fall into this very specific and very narrow stereotype, used like an "ideal" for everyone? how does that make sense when everyone is also told that we are all unique? It makes sense that it's causing problems though.
@@kayla8402 It's not the 'cis folk' who have the expectation that anyone who doesn't fall into one of two neatly defined boxes *must* be trans and need to be convinced to transition.
@@Eryniell Don't worry so much about conforming to the societal expectations of gender, or feeling an obligation to do so. They are descriptive rather than prescriptive. (Rather like D&D alignments, if you're adequately nerdy to have run into _that_ pile of pointless debates from people who don't bother to read the rulebooks.)
We didn't decide that acting rough should be in the boyish category and went on to train all boys to be barely-civilized little hooligans, we observed that boys tend to act rough, if that makes sense.
i did not expect to have an existential crisis, reevaluate a bunch of things in my life, cry for this first time in years, and actually feel like I've grown as a person in just over an hour, holy hell thank you for this experience.
can't believe there're actually people who also cried watching this.
I relate so much
Im still crying. It means so much to me to hear someones experience is so similar to mine. I’ve been trying so hard for so long to pretend that I don’t care about myself but I do. And I think this video has inspired me to at least try to better myself. Thank you
It was a bad idea to watch this high and as a cis man… this made me cryyyy I love youuuu all so myuchh!!! like seriously you’re all so brave and strong I wanna hug u all
Hello, for whoever is reading the video you are wrong; It only hits your emotions. Incels know that they are not trans two reasons. They don't have the brain structures to be, and the community is full of opposing cases, women with full, sociable lives who trans into 5.4-foot creep men and find that their personality advice doesn't work. Yes, if men feel dissatisfied with our appearance it is due to lack of beauty, we are not really beautiful as trans women but society loves women so much that they will be treated as if they were beautiful. They free us from a world in which we are guilty of everything, where everything is wrong from the way we breathe, speak and exist
this video came up on my autoplay. i listened, i stopped, i put my geometry homework down, and i cried for a bit.
thank you for sending this out into the world. you are so beautiful.
lol man up, should have did your homework rather
@@ffffuchs EAT your homework!
@@ffffuchs LMAO
That’s literally exactly what just happened to me too.
same lol
This felt like being peeled open and seen, and it hurt, but in a good way. Thank you for sharing this story.
cringe
@@ffffuchs What point are you trying to make?
This video drew me in with weird manga analysis then blindsided me with deep heart-wretching introspection on gender and identity from which I shall never recover
Came for the video essay, stayed for your beautiful openness and honesty. I’m glad you made it this far, good work
I'm a cis male but there was a time when I no longer wanted to live, I felt like an incel and no one cared about me, I thought about this beauty in females, that seemed so unreachable and at the same time precious, I thought maybe if I was born a girl I could've been happier, but now that I've met good people and went to therapy I realized that in reality I was just desperate for aproval and to escape pain, because of the high expectations I've put on myself and other men in general, now I'm free to be myself and do some manly things and some not so manly things, but I'm happier, thanks for the video and for sharing your experience, I read Inside Mari years ago, when it was still publishing, and got really nostalgic, but your story really got some tears out off me, keep the good work.
Well thats not how trans works. Wishing you were female for a better life is not trans. So don't think thats how other trans are.
I still feel this. I'm not sure how to make it stop.
Well shit after reading this I’m not sure if I’m trans or not. I’m so damn confused bruh.
@@nicklee3769 therapy is key, and a necesity IMHO
@@JoeWilikers A good therapist will help you figure out things, even if you can't afford it, search for ways to get it, or work for it if necesary, if therapy doesn't work just find another one, and so on until you feel comfortable with them.
the personal story felt so touching to hear, cause i felt like i could relate to it all , and i always been on fence of whether i should transition , whether it was right or wrong for me, but knowing that i can dress however i want with or without hrt, i can feel some relief to be more open to be myself and not just let myself rot away in pain because of thoughts and expectations of everything ,you gotta live authentic to yourself or its gonna suck ,i guess it depends on person themself , but the whole video was just a big scary warm amazing feeling , really great video and editing ,it was so good , and i even saw this recommended and avoided it because i thought it was some weird strange video , but i finally got curious and watched and it was one of most relatable videos ever , thank you
also 55:40
Yeah, don't transition
based@@aishtaealatalniyranfialsaqie
@@aishtaealatalniyranfialsaqie already did
@@snakeknight2017 rip your mental
1:00:50 I started crying here. I dont cry often. This video has peeled back all the emotions I feel about myself and laid them out bare. I don't think ive ever stumbled across a better description of what ive been feeling for my whole life. The confusion about myself, about who I am, what I am, what these feelings are, am I just weird what do I do, its all there. Thank you for making this video, thank you.
I still go back to this, like, every week since I saw it, I absolutely love this video with my soul, thank you so very much
I'm as "straight white male" as it gets and I've never dealt with any gender identity issues personally but I honestly have to say that this was really eye opening and it was extremely interesting to see things from a viewpoint that I honestly never really bothered to understand or was judgemental of. We really are all just people at the end of the day, aren't we? Thank you for this.
first yt comment that made me cry, in a good way
real
Why does your skin color matter in this?
@@ijon-y4549🤫 you’re not helping
@@ijon-y4549 it stands for TH-cam bro
I am a straight white man and have been my whole life. This is one of the most moving things that I have ever watched. I am glad that people are able to find peace in the same way that you seem to have. The best thing that we can do for ourselves is to be our truest self.
Ditto, straight white cis man--in fact, my gender identity is probably the only factor of my identity that I am certain of. Ceico touching on exhausting nature of having to compete for mere acceptance as a man brought me to tears and who can blame anyone who wants to get out of this stupid rat race. I felt seen and I'm glad Ceico found her way to self acceptance, I wish it for every one of us.
@@xaliurairpower I am glad it resonated with others like me in this way: I have tons of trans and gender-queer friends, and while I have never quite found that kind of identity in myself (for now, anyway), I have found queer people among the most insightful and thoughtful commentators on cis-masculinity. I still think we have a ways to go in defining what "trust selfhood" means, but I know it to lie more with trans people than incel-bioessentialism or restrictive traditionalism.
This was helpful for me, also a cis man. I've definitely felt the negative pressures of performance masculinity. I also find women beautiful both physically and conceptually, and have idly fantasized about genderswapping from time to time. Even so, I've never experienced anything like this. To me, that shows that true dysphoria is something else.
congrats bro, i know it was really hard not to turn black but you pulled through
GO WHITE BOY GO
What a trip. Utterly beautiful.
It's crazy how much I resonated with a lot of the emotions here. This video made me feel... seen. Thank you.
this is a very beautiful video, thank you so much for it.
I don't think I've cried to video in a long, very long time. but last time i did, i remember feeling like I'm grieving someone, not someone in particular, just a feeling like there's definitely something/someone there, it's dying and I can't do anything about it. this video made me feel so seen. I've always been a reject, never feeling belonging to any of communities. this video made me feel hugged, and i want to hug back. labels are words made by people for people who aren't me, and maybe I haven't seen many of people like "me" because we don't like labels. i read this manga long time ago, and it made me feel incredible pain, jealousy, but so much happiness for the Mari that came to exist. This video is beautifully made, and all the words you used seemed so intentional, and i loved it. thank you very much for this video.