The Number One Reason Traumatized People Pull Away
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 24 ธ.ค. 2023
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Isolating is an almost universal symptom of PTSD from childhood - or for anyone with wounds from trauma. There’s what it looks like from the outside. But the real reason you silate may not be becuase you want to be alone; chances are, you long for love and connection, and to belong in a community of friends. Find out in this video the REAL reason why traumatized people tend to hold themselves apart from others.
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How is it that I’ve gone to 4 different therapists over the years and tried to articulate the symptoms and felt unheard or like I have something unfixable wrong with me and I’m just doomed. Yet, you talk about this and it’s honestly like you’ve watched my life and you are describing how I’ve been living in precise detail? This is the first time ever that it feels like someone understands and I’m not just some defective human with insurmountable problems that are only my experience/problem.
Thank you for your kind words. So glad to hear Anna's video was helpful!
Nika@TeamFairy
I can't say with any certainty, but my intuition is that some therapists might be incredible in many ways, but they can have blind spots when it comes to various conditions and circumstances. I think Anna's personal experience combined with great self awareness and training makes her exceptionally well-suited to helping people with CPTSD in particular, while many therapists would take an excessively generalized and impersonal approach to understanding and helping the same people. It's not their fault, really, so much as CPTSD is a remarkably nuanced and sometimes well-hidden condition which doesn't seem all that relatable to people who haven't lived with it.
yea she is really good isn't she
@steve-adams a therapist told my ex to leave without meeting me, without hearing me, that's negligent.
😊😊
sheesh ! exactly.
not 'feelin it' with my current therapist. she acts like i need to just get over it, put my big girl pants on and participate. this woman feels my pain, totaly gets me. not a sink or swim attitude.
hope to see / hear more from her. perhaps check into books she's got out there.
hey, you 'n i , coffee ?
wouldn't that be great ! 😊
peace and comfort be yours.
the sun is setting, and i finally got out of bed today . I just wanted someone to know I made it.
Hey! I want you to know someone sees you. And loves you. Proud of you!
❤❤❤
Awe! Bravo. Everything you need is already inside you. You are magnificent
Hope you are feeling better and maybe getting that sunshine on your face 🥰
You’re doing great. ❤❤
Being around people is exhausting. I'd rather be alone.
With CPTSD, people can be triggering! Anna’s course Connection Bootcamp shows how to work on that. bit.ly/CCF_Connection
Nika@TeamFairy
Same here 🫤
Same! I create so much positive energy alone vs getting drained with social stuff. But I suppose it’s who you hang around that makes it or breaks it… AND having established boundaries.
So true.
absolutely, just like people that are lone wolves, mystics, yogis etc...their inner life is richer than this outer circus
I'm 56 and I've isolated most of my adult years. I love it - no jealous friends to cut your throat or "loving" family to use you dry.
Socializing may work for some, but cut off from the world is the happiest life for me.
Many Blessings to All...
Amwn
How? Help!☺️
I started not too long ago, I love it! I know what is best t for me. And having many friends and family around isn't good. I talk to people, but I would rather be alone.
but how can you be a blessing to others?
@TedBaylis how can someone be a blessing to me? I guess we rarely see that display of love from others. It is just me, me, and me. Let us make no mistake about Jesus going away because people were so needy. People will drain you. Many of us do not know how to deal with needy people. That's when it is necessary to go away and stay away. They do not want it to fix themselves. They want your blood if they manage to take it. Never givers, because givers are emphats. My grammar is bad, I wish I could explain myself better.
I find that the older I have gotten, the more I isolate. So much hurt and pain in my past…I’m often tortured by it.
You are such a beautiful woman ... 😻
Give humanity a chance: don't isolate yourself.
Keep getting up ......keep walking....keep socializing.... don't give up. There are lots of good people,
yep, people wont understand you and they'll treat you like crap behind your back, or to your face, since you dont fit in. we have our own problems, but they do as well.
I get it, I’m the same way. We do what we need to do to be at peace.
Me too. The older I have gotten, the more I isolate.
I don’t believe the only healthy way to live is a social
I AM NOT LONELY when I am alone
I’m only lonely when I’m out trying to pretend other people are worth the effort
Agree. Some people are just born feeling more at peace, even feeling one more with the world and with surroundings, being alone.
This is separate from C-PTSD, however. So, I'd say for those with C-PTSD who have never felt lonely being alone, is it better to just stay with your "genetic" programming or do you have to try to fight it and hang out with people you don't have any desire to because so-and-so says you have to be an optimist or there is something wrong with you?
I'd think you'd be better off accepting how you "genetically" feel at peace, than anyone insisting you have to force yourself to hang out.
I'll just never be socially limber. Oh, I can be social. And people have unwittingly called me a social person even, but there is isolation and then there is doing what you need to do to feel at peace. I don't hide out. I just chose what brings me peace. And I may miss out on some things because of that, but I've come to accept that part of me.
However, that doesn't mean in any manner, shape or form I'm wanting to not heal. There is a way to heal from trauma, I believe, without forcing everyone to feel they have to try and try to be social and optimistic, because for some of us, that's just not in our DNA and that is aside from the trauma.
Amen to that.
I always had a few social issues, but I have been married, several times, and have kids, grown up. During that time, I used to socialize a bit, but since the last break up, I just no longer want to bother, I do my own things, and have my own interests. I don't have to explain myself to people, and try to get a word in. No drama, no need to hide who I am.
I agree.
@@kimbennett3014 Yh, me too. Never more happy at peace & content 😌 then when I’m home with The Scoobs having a vape 💨 & a Tia Maria 🥃 watching our CSI & BAU box sets. Only go out once a week, less than a mile drive & back to the vape shop & the Tesco superstore, to re supply.
In the summer it’ll be even better, we live in Kent UK 🇬🇧 countryside right between farmers 👨🌾 fields, surrounded by pastures & sheep 🐑
Tbh, at my age 61 & his same in 🐶 years, we believe ppl are over rated. Massively.
I'm 70 and twice divorced. I've been alone for 10 years and have felt peace and contentment for the first time in my life. I dont avoud people but I no longer seek connection. I'm fine. We all die alone.
I feel very much the same. Only divorced once but once was quite enough given the circumstances. YOU are the kind of person I would simply hug because I understand the same thing you understand.
After my divorce I realized that I had been playing a role that was not me, but forced on me by other people. I live alone and am finally able to do what is best for me. @@angelan2216
I’m going through my second divorce right now and I can’t WAIT to isolate.
Twice divorced from narcissists; the peace and safety I enjoy every day is so lovely. I don't want to be alone, but it's a much better place to be than lonely in a relationship or marriage. It's so painful.
I'm 67 and feel just like you. I love living alone and selfishly having things my way.
Been burned too many times. I’m a magnet to narcissists. I try to open back up and get sucker-punched again. Maybe I’m just bad at this. I’m safe, happy, and alone but not lonely. I read, I do my art, I cook, a walk at the park every day with my dog, I went back to college (online of course - lol). I finally found myself. I bought my own house in 2020 and am enjoying the solitude. I’ve gone no contact with my abusers and I have learned to set clear boundaries for myself. I’m fine where I am. People are vicious! I will surround myself with animals, books, and my art. I will never again let anyone else hurt me. I’m happy. 😊❤
I understand completely. I,too, am a narcissist magnet. married 3 of them... now I am 74 and isolated for 3 years. No family and only 4 friends. I rarely feel lonely. My health issues keep me in most of the time. I hate to even go to the store. Narcissist #3 walked out on me after I survived lung cancer surgery and chemo but failed to get my strength and energy back. Good luck to you and prayers we both learn to live again!!!🙏❤️🙏
@@lynnbarker7314 Best to you. You got this. Praying you find inner peace and happiness. Glad you got away from the narc. ☮️
My sister is gay and always dates women who r on the fence about many things, not just women who r in a phase, but also major life decisions.
This is really messed up, but some people attact abusive people over and over again
It is better to be alone than with someone abusive or toxic.😊
Yes, unless you can learn to develop ways to manage those kinds of people and become immune to them
"We need to be socialized or we get rusty." Some of us never knew how to socialize to begin with.
And then it feels like everything you do is wrong, when you become a young adult, and start trying to teach yourself. And you HAVE to teach yourself, because you have rejected the failed attempts at socialization from your abusive parents, so you no longer know who to trust.
For those of us like that, being around others is even more important.
@@davidm4566 agreed
@@RHatcherMD PS I figured I should share my story. Growing up I never had many friends. I was at home playing NIntendo rather than going out and doing stuff with others. I missed out on a lot of social skills.
In college I joined some clubs and then when I came back home after graduation, I joined a "youth group" at church. It was a post-college singles group. Anyway, we did *everything*. Paintball, laser tag, mini golf, the beach, bowling, super bowl parties, movies, movie night at people's houses, dinners, group valentines' dinners, FL Keys trips (a guy's parents owned a house down there and we all went and stayed in sleeping bags all throughout the house LOL), camping, Bible studies at rotating house, etc.
It was some of the best times of my life, and I was quickly gaining social skills that I had missed out on. I'll never be Joe Social, the way someone who never missed out is, but I've caught up on a lot, praise God. There is always hope.
Also, my Dad is sort of a loner. When he got divorced in 2000, he hasn't remarried and lives in the house alone, for 23 years now. His social skills have noticeably deteriorated. He cuts people off when talking, he's rude at times, etc.
I just wanted to stress the importance of gaining and keeping social skills. It's like a muscle that can be improved and can also atrophy.
It is important to socialise in general. Not it is never the case that any one person is essential company. And it's far too easy for that part of the message to get lost, to cling on to whoever you find who will validate you, even a little@@davidm4566
I also prefer to isolate but I’m not really alone, I’m with me.
Only cptsd peeps laughed at this
I think it was Oscar Wilde who said he's never less alone than when he's by himself.
😂
I can't remember the comic who said, "I'm never alone. I have Me, Myself, & I".
@thepalereaper7331 Um I didn't laugh. I thumbs up because I relate. I am my best company. I absolutely get along perfect with myself. It's been this way for awhile now.
Not ever have I regretted isolating. Not ever do I feel lonely when I am alone. But I do regret being with people often.
Agreed. This lady doesn’t understand that for those with trauma, being alone can be very healthy and offer deep contemplative peace. I’m literally missing out on nothing-not everyone needs to “socialize”
Different people need different levels of socialization. Some are introverts and are at complete peace with minimal socialization. If that's you, then this video might not apply or it might apply to a lesser degree than someone who is lonely and wants people in their life but isolates as a result of the trauma.@@Seliz463
Same 🙋♀️
@@Seliz463 I wonder if it is always based in trauma. I know that humans are considered to be deeply social beings. Is it always based in trauma how much we enjoy socializing or isolating? And how traumatized are those who can not be by themselves at all. Who sets the norms and standards how much isolation or socializing is healthy or a sign of trauma?
@@kkelly4806i feel the same way deeply. Have you ever heard of Jordan Peterson? He has a lot of great advice for people like us
Isolation has saved my life while destroying it.
Wow! That thought was so intense and true
I agree with you so much💔
So well put!
It’s only saved my life and given me a life
This.
When something negative happens to you once and you withdraw, that's an overreaction. When it happens over and over and over and you withdraw, that's just you acknowledging the preponderance of the evidence.
Pretty much
Exactly.
Thank you. Exactly!
That's no way near the answer pdst belive me I know it with 40 yrs.
Riiight with you! 2 Timothy 3. Mankind turned evil.
The more people the more drama.
I love being alone! It’s healing. I heard a lady say (concerning Christmas)...”I tell my friends I’m going to be with family...and I tell my family I’m going to be with friends...and I stay home alone...and just love it”! I’m using that one!!!
Perfect❤
I've been alone now for 11 years, people are exhausting and draining
My husband is a social butterfly and I forced myself to go to parties with him or he insisted we host parties at our place. Total nightmare for me the whole time. Always felt awkward, out of place and hated the stress sweating I had to endure as well. It was hell for me the whole time. It was emberrasing and exhausting putting a smile on my face the whole time. On top of all my efforts, some of his friends were rude to me in my own home. Plus, id spend the next several days replaying moments in my mind of things I said, did or didnt do. Im done with all that!!! Im tired. Peace means more to me than ever before and that means keeping my circle small with people who are sincere and real with me. Isolation is not a weakness. Its survival.
I can relate. If it wasn’t for my wife I’d definitely be a hermit…
Amen❤
Being single has its benefits.
I hope your husband has distanced himself from those "friends".
It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.
- Jiddu Krishnamurti.
For me it's survival - I isolate to survive when it all gets too much.
Me too! Since early childhood!
I just turned 70. I have never had a long-term romantic relationship. The only long-term friendship I have had is with someone who seems to like me better when I'm in need. I do feel like life has passed me by. I watched my mother shut herself off from life, and it took her seven years to die. I don't want to do that, so I force myself to get out, take classes, and meet people. People seem to think I'm bubbly, friendly, and outgoing, and although I can talk to pretty much anyone, I feel so lonely, I just want to curl up and die. I do not see a bright future. Recently, I have begun spending more time alone in my apartment, and I feel better. I don't feel so lonely. I don't spend so much time crying. I may be isolating, but, honestly, I haven't felt so good in a very long time.
Imagine all the group think, gossip and manipulation you've been missing!
Some of us with CPTSD also have ADHD / ASD and find it unbearable to be around anyone, especially this time of year. I've had to mask my true self for decades in order to fit in, only to feel exhausted and depressed afterward. Being alone is protecting my mental health.
man do I ever feel this statement!!
Yep - it’s complicated! As humans we need people and social connections but it’s about finding the balance that’s right for us 😊
Yes. Survival is self care too. I get so disregulated around people sometimes, and forcing myself to be around people has damaged my body and my relationships. It is best to keep to myself as much as possible. It is exhausting to lie and pretend things are okay when they really do not feel that way.
"I've had to mask my true self for decades in order to fit in, only to end up feeling exhausted and depressed."
Thank you for explaining this as I've had trouble putting that into words. It's exactly how I feel.
I do not ghost people, I try not to speak negatively, blame, or shame, and I also do my best not to lie. I am increasingly filled with sadness and anger. This has caused others to leave me alone more and more. When I do get around people I melt down so often that is it counterproductive. I will continue healing on my own time. Relying on others has not turned out well for me. The message that you NEED others to heal is not the only truth, and it can be harmful, just like anything can taken in the wrong context. Self protection is natural and necessary. I think being neurodivergent makes me much more gullible and confused about boundaries of intimacy. It blends with CPTSD and I often hurt myself and others when I try to have human relationships.
It’s SAFER staying alone -
Safer in the moment, but long term I would encourage you to explore being around different people from the ones you're used to. I lived for decades alone. I do understand.
Relatable.
I often remind myself of that when Im lonely - at least there is no abuser in my life making it worse!
Exactly 💯
I am the master of isolation, the anxiety of being around people is more difficult than the loneliness. I have hobbies and pets, and at 49 years old my experience with people hasn’t been very good.
I love isolating. It lets me do whatever I want whenever I want.
After years and years of reaching out and trying to keep relationships alive, I have given up on these one way relatiomships..... family, friends, romantic, etc. I am a beautiful person inside and out with so much love to give to others but it is always one way. This christmas i refused to do it again. I stayed by myself, took a long walk, made good food, laughed at funny shows. Honestly i feel more connected with you people on this commebt thread than i do with my own family members. Not one even texted or called to say merry Christmas. I am sorry for everyone else going through the same thing and i wish you all a better 2024.
Glad you are a part of our community here. Thank you and all the best to you too!
Nika@TeamFairy.
You sound just like me. I'm 53 and that's the story of my life. My best friends are my fur babies ...I rescue ..because these precious babies deserve my love more than so called humans any day
I can relate!
Sorry ... Male ,44, Scandinavia, i can deeply relate 😢
I like 'one way relationships'. I've burned many bridges, mainly acquaintances and certain siblings. My attention is now being drawn to my offspring, being honest with myself is sadly, also indicating possibilities
There are worse things than being alone like being around freinimies or people that make you feel alone
True there. The key is to connect with _good, healthy_ people.
They are out there, but you have to reach out.
Exactly! I live in a very small town, and historically reaching out hasn’t really worked for me. It ends up either being more of the same type of people I’ve been trying to avoid or they already have their friend group & don’t want to let anyone else in.
@@OG_Beckie_Leigh
This is a large part of why I'm so glad I live in a big city.
@@Coryraisa I wish I could afford to move to a big city. I visited LA last May, and it felt so awesome to be around so many people yet still be anonymous.
@@OG_Beckie_Leigh
Maybe one day you'll be able to afford it.
It is wonderful to be able to be anonymous when you want to be.
I've turned isolation into an art form. My partner speaks for me. I work nights alone. My neighbors have never seen me. I don't talk on the phone, answer the door, get the mail, or even open mail. Sometimes I don't think i actually exist.
Rejected, ugly, hurt, betrayed. Every feeling I have felt since a child. I remember being lonely in Kindergarten class.
If it helps, you are not the only one like that( same from kindergarten) me and many more like us
Yup, I really want to change in 2024 though, been isolating myself every single I left university. It was the most social time of my life but years later I feel that life is all about relationships & people, without healthy people to experience life with its lonely.
you are definetely not alone xxx
Me too! Nursery school! I was quiet, respectful, shy. The kids were beastly.
❤
I've been isolating for YEARS and babyyyyy... I FEEL GOOD! I don't feel bad at ALL for cutting people off that traumatized me! I feel a freedom and peace I've never experienced before. I never gave myself time to heal because I was always trying to "work it out" with people; now, the only damns I give are for myself! I love myself more for who I am. Isolation helped me see myself clearly, love myself more and heal. 💐💕
Same🤲🏾
@@tjjohnson1151: 💐💕✊🏾
Yes. Why force yourself, that is me too. I love being by myself. I am introvert.
@@garycooper9207 : 😉👍🏾💕
likewise
Noway i am never meeting toxic family members ever again.
They are the reason for my trauma and anxiety.
There's more to life than just people.
Exact reason why i choose to spend christmas alone because they showed me who they truly are and im prepared to except whatever comes with it. Rather be alone than being with narcs and fake people and yes ive gotten good at being aolne. Thank you for this video. Merry Christmas
Me too.
Same
I feel exactly the same way merry Christmas and have a happy new year and you are not alone ( when it comes to being alone 😂)
Ditto.
I'm sorry you all feel like you are alone on such a holy day. Jesus is with you. I've been completely avoiding the holidays, because I'm mentally ill, unemployed, & facing homelessness. I don't feel festive. I don't need other people to celebrate the Lord, but my mom is all alone, & wants to make a turkey for me. I think this video gave me the courage to step out of myself, & the void of isolation. It is rather intoxicating.
I suggest reaching out to those people anyways, & wishing them a Merry Christmas. It will let some light shine on your heart. It's about you, not them. If you're bitter about it, you lost your power.
I'm 100% isolated. I'm 5 years isolated currently. I've done this on and off my entire life. I have real health problems that complicate my isolation as well. My adult son and my 2 dogs are the only ones I'm spending Christmas with. I order everything I need so I barely leave the house. My biggest problem is that I tend to attract people that are going through horrible things too and I honestly don't have the physical or mental strength to be a good friend. I just feel like isolation is better than continuously letting people down.
@@Mikewee777 It can be.
@@texasbluegrass567 You have got to stop ordering things. This is really causing you to be lazy and isolate. If there is no food in the house, you will have to go out.
What about your dogs, do you walk them?
@camelliam.4235 Yes, the dogs get loads of exercise and walks. They also have a fenced yard. I'm not agoraphobic. I just don't like socializing. I'm disabled. I do the max of what my body allows. Isolated doesn't mean lazy. lol
I so get that.
I totally understand. I have progressively been becoming more isolated.
So much so, my life felt much better during lockdown and it barely changed my life other than I finally got to work from home full time.
I also loved that when I did go out, it was like an apocalyptic quiet and no traffic. I wish it had stayed like that. I hate grocery shopping around too many people and traffic. That was the only downside of lockdown, the stores aren't open as late or 24 hours any more. I loved grocery shopping at 1am pre pandemic.😂
It's me and my 17 year old dog. I live in a big apt complex and it feels like any interactions are tiring. Big cities and apts are actually pretty anonymous, which is nice. But family is the hardest, even though they're good people, there is a history. So i refrain, as much as i can.
I do go out to grocery shop, because i have 3 stores for different things and i like to choose my own produce, because i am picky.
I'm bipolar, with anxiety, depression, ptsd, probably cptsd. I was in a juvenile clinic when i was 12 for a month. So my mental health issues started young. I'm now 50.
If I could live off grid, away from everyone, I would.
People make me want to disappear, even those I love.
At least, you have your son and dogs. I'm sure that gives some balance.
Stay well😊
Saying “yes” makes me feel trapped and it immediatelydisregulates me. Isolating is not fun but is needed.
Nothing wrong with embarrassing being alone. I believe a lot of us are destined for it. I spent my whole life trying to live the social norm. All it did was fuel my anxiety. I’m a lone wolf these days and love it. Im 51, no friends, no family and no partner. Im never going back. ❤️ to you all
Same buddy...good for us❤.
There is great strength in solitude.✨
Even bigby wolf got out his comfort zone
I think social etiquette, kindness, politeness, and grace are missing in our society.
While we have our own childhood baggage, more often it is the rude, aggressive and indifferent behavior of adults that drive good people to avoid harsh social events.
We need to be soft, quiet and kind to each other.
Yes, we need all that, but kind people are still out there!
Nika@TeamFairy
Not when others are not invested with self-development hurt people hurt other people
This👆 It's so hard to keep trying when the brash "modern" people burn you every time you come out of your shell. The current trend seems to be "isolated people in public", meaning that society isn't warm, even when socializing. There are exceptions, but the internet, COVID, etc has taken it's toll. Lots of superficial, cold people
@@happyhappyjoyjoy3275 then step back & find new ones
I’ve had friends from the 70s & still gtgr from time to time
Yes. We have a culture of self, self and self at the moment.
Who the heck are these people who set themselves up as 'Influencers'? Who would be daft enough to 'Follow' them?
I'm older but have a big social conscience. These people have no effect on me but I fear desperately for the young and vulnerable.
It’s not isolation if no one reaches out to you! 🤷🏽♀️
Sometimes you have to reach out. Even if you go talk to strangers.
lol
@@lifenotbills Nodoby around, like a desert.
Exactly! I have no family, parents and siblings are gone. My relatives have a handy excuse not to contact me since my Mom's death. They say, "I don't want to bother you at this time."
exactly. whats the goddamn point in reaching out when I have to put in 100% of the effort every time? fuck that shit
This really hits my heart. Isolating is safe. It gets hard to believe there're kind people when you haven't known kindness
We are out there, though. Don't give up. ❤
I trust no one. My family, friends, husband, adult children, strangers, have all betrayed me. 100 percent isolation is the best for me. My husband and brothers especially set me off. They are social butterflies and then create situations to make me the butt of the joke and then criticize my behavior during their shit parties I didn’t wanna be at. Now that I’m old I just tell them to f*ck off and will not host parties nor go to them. They try to gaslight me over it and they have learnt to leave me alone. I’m not nice anymore.
As someone with no friends no family, no work no school and 40. I am a master at NOT WANTING ANYTHING. - I don't see a world to participate in!
I isolate now that I can in retirement, I am the happiest I have ever been.
Can't say I'm happier in retirement because I moved to a different state and don't know anyone but my son and grandsons. Thought we would be spending alot of time together. It didn't work out that way. I isolate now because it was the only way to comfort myself. I'm not happy. I guess just trying to cope. Glad you are happy though.
me too!
Me too.
😂😂😂😂
I isolate because people disappoint me. I am always the listener and I am done with that. People have used and abused me and I am tired. I don't know how to trust people. I found your channel and feel like you are talking about me. I have a therapist and they just don't get it.
I hear you. Try to find a therapist who understands trauma. I spent years and thousands of dollars and therapists who never got it. This channel and other YT channels have helped me way more than any of the high priced therapists.
Need to have good boundaries. And turn things positive.
Glad you are here. Calming triggers can make it easier to connect and socialize. Anna’s course Connection Bootcamp is one resource for that: bit.ly/CCF_Connection
Nika@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thank you.
@@sueg2658
I’d rather spend my money on massages, manicures, pedicures, vacations, eating out, etc. me time
I drank alcohol for many years, almost daily. Now that I’ve been sober for 4 months, I feel like I need to relearn how to socialize. I was another person when drinking; uninhibited, fun, sociable, friendly, spontaneous, etc. Now, I feel like I’m the total opposite. I started to walk, listen to you and other motivating videos on YT, meditating and therapy. I wish I would have dealt with my emotions earlier on in life. I feel grief, discomfort, etc etc. I’m going through a healing journey and taking it day by day. It’s never to late to grow.
Big hugs. Good work!
Me too! I hurt🥹
I've been this way my whole life. I had to force myself to be a photojournalist in the military for 23 years. I did it and retired successfully. But then went into isolation again.
Finally, last year I moved to a remote town near my brother, who I hadn't seen in 45 years. He went thru the horrible trauma with me growing up.
His wife is so happy I moved nearby. He's happier, so am I. We go hiking, biking, kyacking, shooting, cooking together. We both joined a pottery class to force ourselves out of our hermit lives. Lol
It sounds weird, but we kept each other alive, fed, and protected as children in a horrible living situation, and we feel safe when we are together. I'm making friends separately now with a support system. My brother and I can talk about our past when no one else would understand it. It's therapeutic.
To be honest, I struggle with distinguishing between isolating as a trauma response and like...cutting people off because maybe they/their presence just isn't good for you?
I cannot speak for you, but for me , this means learning to differentiate between people trigger me and people who are truly bad for me. (p/s: people who trigger me , may not be trying to hurt me , but i may mistakenly believe they are, in my zealous effort to self-protect) and also learning to see how some people can be good for me, so learn to trust them and invest efforts to keep them in my life. / i needed a therapist to teach me this. Still learning.
I use to too. I’m come to the conclusion that it’s self perseverance and ridding myself of toxic people.
I am really struggling with this too . People trigger me and hurt me but they’re also flawed and human . I have been hurt so much intentionally or not I don’t want to risk giving my time to people knowing they’ll hurt me
but there is toxicity in everyone! @@BreakerOfChains219
I’m in Southern California and the vast majority of people are very shallow and materialistic, which is not my cup of tea. For me, I feel it’s better for me to just be happy with my dog. It may sound weird but she bring me joy.
The bottom line is being around large groups of people feels waayyyyy worse than being alone; as an empath, large groups have too many energies running, usually ego-driven. I like one-on-one contact or just a few people gathering with deep connection. This is rare. I find small talk odious and anything that's not authentic just turns me right off. The truth is it's perfectly okay to not force yourself into large social groups. The idea that we have to "get used to it" is erroneous and misleading. I haven't given up on finding my tribe.
My sentiments exactly. Happy holidays. ❤
I agree too, and find that small groups have far less small talk. I’m used to spending holidays alone, but the past several years, friends have invited me over (knowing I live alone), and this has helped me so much.
Totally agree; well said
Right there with you for every word you wrote.
❤ my thoughts too. Very well said!
I wasn’t traumatized as a child, but my parents instilled in us the idea that we children were different than others. We were not discouraged from having friends, but we never had them in our home, nor did we spend time in others’ homes. I didn’t date as a young person, didn’t really have a social life at all. And that’s been the story of my life - I’m 77 now, alone, no close friends. I don’t feel uncomfortable around others, for the most part, but I don’t get involved. I rarely do anything socially. In the words from an old Beatles song, “I miss things and keep out of sight.” I haven’t had a bad life, but the way I’ve lived it has left me particularly vulnerable and uncertain in old age. While I don’t think of suicide, I don’t wish to live beyond my physical ability to live alone. This is New Year’s Eve and I will be alone to see the year out, as I am every year. Thank you for your video.
What I don’t understand is how family can treat non family members better than they treat their own family. You would think them loving you automatically denotes showing love care and kindness. They show outwardly to others what wonderful people they are all the while slowly cutting your heart out. Self isolating from my family is the only way I can heal. Then I eventually give in and open up only to be hurt again. It’s a vicious cycle that seems to be unending. Honestly, I think I’m done. I’ll love them from afar and wish them the best.
Agree.....I had 3 therapists their advice was my family ie siblings, my mom and dad are dead, are toxic. I'd be best mentally if I didn't contact them. If they contact me keep conversation light do not give up anything personal. I've tried it but I fail at times and end up in a cobweb of lies, deceit and betrayl. Ugh
@@shimmer8289 Yes, you miss the bonding and the camaraderie; the family experience. So you share what’s going on in your life. For them not to share theirs, but to share your experiences with family and others and for them all to judge you for it. Becoming the talk of the family, the pain and embarrassment it causes you would think would deter you from freely sharing again. Nope, our longing for the improbable pushes us to open up yet again when instead we should bite our tongues. 🤗 🤗 🤗
@PrincessNicEssus wow you have it down pat. It's OK so last few years I share it on a anymomous video channel. It's an outlet of sorts. You've sure learned alot. I've tried self awareness but I think after a long period without learning thru therapy about boundaries or rather my inability to have them. My inner child keeps seeking validation. 💕
@@shimmer8289 Love that you’re doing that and going to therapy. Two wonderful tools for healing. And I do pray that for you and I’m so sorry you understand what I’m sharing. One day may these just be unpleasant memories you don’t think about as much, which don’t affect you anymore.
@@PrincessNicEssus 💕
Never go against how you feel no matter what others say. If you feel you need to be alone, forcing yourself to socialize will get just you off balance. Spiritual need to be alone should be respected.
Thank you! And I’m so tired of trying to explain to the world why I need it. Another reason to isolate and just be comfortable with myself.
😊
I do agree solitude is good .... I know ... But why are you here ? ?? @@annamossity8879
AMEN
👍 💯
I find that I do all the listening when I try the socialising thing. No one seems to want to listen to me. In fact they talk over the top of me, abruptly change the topic, get distracted by their phone or some other activity so that I feel unhappy that I was respectful of their need to unburden, but I never get the chance to unburdening express myself. It's like no one ever asks me how I am then takes the time to hear me. I know how that sounds, but it is so obvious at times even my husband notices. So I end up feeling like I don't matter.
I go through the same thing, with everyone lately it seems!
I totally feel the same
Yes you're a dumping ground it seems for their ramblings, yet met with impatience and outright rejection from certain people when the topic strays from themselves and their ego. Been there , actually have people paying me to listen and consult with them.
Same here. My whole life has been that way and I am tired of it. People don’t -or don’t want to-listen to me and I feel like I don’t matter at all. When I am alone in nature, among my beloved trees, I am part of something so much bigger and it is glorious.
Probably why I actually enjoyed driving a truck. It did get lonely . But after being a doctor for 25 yrs. It allowed me to start the healing process.
"Pets are wonderful but they're not enough" 💯
They are not people but they are important and make a good companion or love too😊
❤@@user-rv2jz7fu5j
They are enough.
@ireneklossy-vp6oi you sound like my mom. That is definitely ok if they're enough for you 👍🏼
I meant it from the psychiatric point of view.
You won't suffer any mental health damage if you only have pets in your life and no human relationships. Other than that it's a question of taste of course.
Being "socially limber" requires heavy masking from me, and that can be exhausting in most contexts. Context is everything. I find human interactions unbearably superficial most of the time, and they find me too deep.
Ditto. Well said!
Have you searched for new music recently?
I have created some, as a singer/songwriter/producer, and sure, 'searched for some' and heard some...every moment is new. Do you have a suggestion? @@lbks16
Some people are better "actors" than others. Some people crave attention more than others. For those of us than want to authentically relate and be really seen these superficial exchanges are waaaaay more draining.
I always thought I was introverted until I realized I just don't have much of an interest in the things most people like to talk about. I don't care, most of it seems boring af and centered around deceiving others with a false image that I would never buy. Or stroking people's egos. Or satisfying animalistic instincts at the expense of everyone around them. Just the assertion of dominance and status takes a big chunk of most conversations. Why would I find any of that interesting? Turns out that when the topics switch to something more complex and multifaceted I become quite extroverted.
As a dental hygienist for 30 years, I have worked very close with the public. Sometimes feeling like a therapist. I love my patients, but people can really suck all your energy. At the end of my work day I just want to isolate and withdraw from all people. So outside the dental office I many times try to avoid people and social events. I feel bad that I do this but I don’t know how to feel comfortable in social settings. Does anybody else feel this way that works closely with the public??
Y.E.S.
Quite normal,we can't all be thick skinned:/ It is tiring giving out energy.I delivered shopping for13years being outgoing&bubbly but finishing my day drained&hiding from the world as usual.Had to pull myself out of myself.It cost me my marriage&I never truly became the real me, comfortable pretty much anywhere after57years! until I adopted my daughter who unlocked me! Don't know how she did it,two completely different people.She was damaged from young trauma&born with brain illnesses but beautiful throughout and thanks to her I uncovered my own young trauma&can now do anything to help her in life.She being the 1st person ever not to make me worry when I heard my name😞 To you and anyone out there I am lucky and I wish you strength&hope you can find either someone to give you strength or not to worry that you cannot do what others 'seem' to be able with such ease.Many are bluffing😉Be yourself &never worry what anyone thinks💪👍we are all unique 💚
I’m a flight attendant…. I am so drained after a flight I have to hibernate in my hotel room because I just cannot be around people…… I’m so drained!
I have fear of abandonment issues. Not letting people into my life is my shield from being abandoned
I don't mind at all, living with my dogs and and cats and no people. Cptsd shapes you and you feel best when you don't have to deal with people.
I can take people in small doses, but then I'm So glad when I go home to my pets. I do lots of research and thinking when I'm alone. I like to write, too, and being alone is key to good writing.
I'm okay with short bouts of socializing but then I always enjoy leaving more than I do arriving 😅.
I know I need people to gain other perspectives on various subjects, but I'm not dependent on socializing.
I'm happiest being alone and that's okay. 😌
"Even if you don't have the emotional need to be around people, your immune system, your mental health, your physical health needs to be around people. When you connect with other people it has the healthy effect of drawing you out of yourself; out of your preoccupation w/hurt or grievances, or grudges against others." Thank you, Anna. I'm trying.
I would say that my system needs to be away from people as much as it needs to be with them! Perhaps you havent noticed that many, many, many people are unable to be authentic and certainly dont like it much if you are! If you know where there are groups of honest, caring, growing and thriving humans, please let me know : )
I think you’ve cracked it there by mentioning the need to be with authentic people ‘where need meets need in others as much as own selves’ the Sufi’s say ‘we are all One self’ is the key, we come to find our water level eventually which is what gathered us here at the walls watering hole 💧😊 💧 peace be with you… actually I’m working on an art exhibition and you’ve just inspired me by your comment to reach the Title ‘ The Wall’s Watering Hole’ that’s a bit of a Banksey hey!
It’s easier said than done to expect people with trauma to just find people to be around.
@@flynnzilla8796THIS! I live in a small town, and removed all the toxic people from my life and guess what, there's nobody left.and nobody wants to make new friends in their 50s, esp with a single woman. There's decent healthy people are out there I have no doubt but they're not in my tvcorner of the world.
This is true. I want to be happy being alone but it’s impossible. It always comes out in some way
Hang in there people. The day is almost over. the month is almost over.
If you don’t understand my comment, you’re lucky. If you do, hugs. (posted on my least favorite day of the year 12.25)
The year is almost over
at 53 my life more than half way over
Today is my birthday and at the end of the day I said to myself “thank God it’s over” I was never so happy to get in my house and away from people albeit well meaning people
@@Marlee82 Happy belated birthday. For me, it’s just another day…my way of coping.
@@heart1caligurlFelt that one.
My adult family were out this morning but when they came home I made a point of coming out of my room and engaging them with conversation and what I noticed was that they became more animated with laughter and that made me feel good that I had lifted their spirits just by being there to hear their stories. My aim for 2024 is to do this more often even if it is only a little bit at a time. Thank you so much for posting this video as it was just what I needed 💗💗💗
I'm so happy to hear that :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Trauma may be part of what sent me into isolation but, I have found so much to love in myself since cutting everyone else out of my life. It was like meeting the real me. That was five years ago. I am not opposed to new people but, I do not long for them. I just interact when the situation seems appropriate.
I lost my mom in 2013 and my dad earlier this year in February 2023. This will be my first year xmas totally alone. I never married, and with lots of family and friends across the world have every reason to sit here alone on xmas day having a pity party for one. I do though have an invite to an xmas dinner with family friends. I want nothing more to find any excuse not to go just because its so hard to sit there as an outsider looking in. But im going if for no other reason that withdrawing and not participating is absolutely the wrong and unhealthy thing to do. Just about to go jump in the shower and start getting ready but hope everyone finds the peace, love and joy they are looking for this holiday season . 🙏❤🙏
Hi, John. I know how difficult it can be to follow through & actually make it to the dinner. I hope you have a nice time.
Hope you had a great time! If I invited someone, I'd be delighted if they showed up so try to see it that way too! By taking up the invitation, you are giving someone your presence. It is a two way street ❤
@@karlareadstheclassics217 it was good ...I think I've still got some unresolved grief from both my mom and dads passing that is manifesting in anger a little. Or it could be a bit of a mid life crisis thing where I think on missed out starting a family or at the very least finding my tribe. Thank you for asking though , I actually did have a really good time. The people who invited me always make me feel very welcome. I was more hoping someone above reads my comment and understands that there should be one rule. If someone invites you somewhere you should go even when the easiest thing in the world would be not to . 🙏❤🙏
John ...you are not an outsider. You matter.
This is kind of my approach too. I usually have to go through a few days of tremendous anxiety ahead of time, but I'll end up going because I can't find a reasonable reason to tell them why not. By some miracle I end up being just fine once I'm there and it is fairly rewarding to have gone. It's such a battle with myself leading up to it though. I'm very sick of that part.
PLEASE, TRUST YOUR NERVOUS SYSTEM.
If your nervous system works well when you're alone, that's great!!!
And if it works just as well when you're with someone, it means you're next to the right person.
If it doesn't work well, leave. Looking back, life always proved to me that I was right based on this principle.
For years, I mistakenly believed I had to regulate my nervous system in every situation, unaware of the toll it took on my well-being.
Living with CPTSD, I lost valuable time surrounded by the wrong people, subjecting my system to constant regulation rather than seeking environments that respected its needs.
Realizing this was a form of self-abuse, I now prioritize fostering connections that allow my nervous system to thrive rather than endure.
Trusting your nervous system is crucial when managing CPTSD.
In supportive environments, your nervous system can function optimally, fostering healing and resilience.
However, exposure to toxic individuals can disrupt this delicate balance, exacerbating symptoms. Recognizing and prioritizing environments that promote safety and trust is essential for us.
Yes your body will tell you what you need to know
Promise yourself, if not appreciated, spoken to di respect, WALK away gracefully. I'd rather have just a few really good friends than a bunch of " fair weather friends" ❤
Very well said. Thank you 🤝
Best comment and advice on here! You nailed it! I never looked at it as self abuse, but it is. We have a low self worth so we think we deserve all the negativity and abuse, so we continue to subject ourselves to toxic relationships that make us disregulated and feel terrible, then wonder why we can't be normal.
Very insightful comment!
Being alone is so much…safer.
My parent forced me, a child traumatized by family disfunction, to socialize in large groups growing up and I hated it. As I grew into an adult, I continued forcing myself into these same uncomfortable social interactions. It has been hell because I feel like I've lived an inauthentic life trying to be someone I am not.
What I’ve been learning is that as a trauma survivor, is that I’m missing mental resiliency. I think if I can build my resilience I’ll be able to withstand the issues that come my way. Yet even knowing this I’m alone on Christmas hoping no one calls me.
Hi, you may be more resilient than you think > if those around you were dealing with the same issues you are, they may not be as resilient and respectful as you are! I just learnt, my image of myself is totally distorted by CPTSD and you too may be more competent than you realise
You're already professional at surviving what you're coping with, that requires resilience. Wishing you the best 😊
I was home alone on Christmas hoping no one would call either, only because I wanted to watch Christmas movies in peace... then my adult daughter called and I thought ok, this call will be two hours! 💜 It turned into 7 hours! It was a necessity, nothing bad at all, but at least my daughter knows I'm here for her when she needs me and that is what is important for both of us. I sat down the day after Christmas and picked up where I left off in the movie and my daughter called again about 5 minutes in! 🤣 At least that call only lasted about 15 minutes! Do what is best for your mental health and the rest will work itself out! Blessings of love and light to you and everyone who reads this!
Home alone too. I actually enjoyed it. A few walks with the dogs in the forest and a take away Christmas dinner. This was all by choice, I realised that I needed to test my resilience and future proof my capability to be alone at what would usually be a vibrant social holiday. I gained mental resilience after researching psychological techniques and an unexpected believe that by believing in something, it often works. We are all survivors, though many dare believe it.
I struggle with resilience. As I get older, I'm feeling less and less resilient, and things are deteriorating. I promise myself to be mindful. To concentrate. To be aware of other people's feelings and reactions, and the topic under discussion. Is it positive and helpful?
BUT.
I get exhausted by monitoring myself. I also lose confidence.
I try to be real. But my real self is so complicated.
Same😢
❤If you are choosing to be alone today on Christmas, one thing you can do is take yourself out to the store or restaurant that is open today and thank those employees for working on the holiday and wish them well. Bless the store clerk with a coffee card or the restaurant server with a generous tip. We can choose to bless others, and it is sometimes easier to do that for a stranger. I believe that whoever receives those acts of kindness need that affirmation today. Merry Christmas.
Wow great idea! A lot of people work holidays because they feel they have to, but I spent my 20s working holidays since I had nowhere else to go. A Thank You or a small gift of kindness would be heartwarming.
I agree, this is a most excellent idea.
I was thinking volunteering at soup kitchen would be good too. But your idea you don’t have to worry about making friends.
Doing as you say and Blessing others with your gratitude for them is heart warming.
What a lovely idea! Thank you for sharing!
Merry Christmas to you too!
Nika@TeamFairy
Thank you. I am a grocery store worker. It does mean so much when someone says “thank you,” or even a hello. 👋
Although I've been in therapy for over 30 years, I think you absolutely hit it with wanting to please everyone (and yes, also feeling that life is passing me by). When covid hit, Although I certainly never wanted anyone to get sick, I felt so relieved because I had a legitimate excuse to isolate.
It's ironical that I feel so much more connected to many people on this thread because of their comments on appreciating solitude than I do with very "social" people.
I have totally isolated myself started by letting people go who just used me, finally closed the door on my narcissistic parents and their flying monkeys, and I'd far rather be alone than let people in or have to socialize with people. People ask about someones past, family etc as a way of making conversation. I cant talk about my past especially family stuff. No one understands narcissistic abuse unless theyve experienced it themselves. My parents didnt love me, they despised me from the day i was born and it took nearly 50yrs to close the door. There is so much shame and i would rather be so so lonely than EVER be around people and have to pretend to be happy and make small talk. Yes its had a serious toll on my health but tbh I'd be happy if i never had to converse with a human ever again. People are cruel, nasty and selfish and I'm not so I choose to be alone and protect myself.
I'm in my early 50s, my dad is a narcissist and I have not contact anymore since my mid 30s. I'm an introvert. But I DO like small talk. Like when getting the groceries in the store etc. etc. the social contacts you are bound to have even when isolating. This window of limited contact small talk provides is free from complicated motives and wants and needs, non-threatening.
My dogs offer unconditional love. Gentle hugs.
I understand. I was raised by a narc mum and was the family scapegoat. I get it. There are lots of us with this childhood trauma. The more I learn the more I understand myself but it’s a long journey. Wishing you peace 😊🙏
Loads like u
Your experience is identical to mine!
I used to force myself to socialise and ruined my health. Isolating finally feels like bliss. It isnt purely psychological. Our biochemistry is impaired and we cannot fix that with an attitude change.
Thank you!
What do you do for a living, how do you earn a living?
Thanks! So true!
Yes! I had a very demanding job leading workshops/public speaking where I was in front of people every day. Every few months, I was also evaluated on my performance by my boss. It was high pressure, high stress, and constant nerves. I had several health issues because of it. Finally, I had to quit because of sudden hearing loss/autoimmune disorder. I have been able to stay home now. It has been the best thing. Finally able to rest, be myself. I choose now to isolate and only attend events or be around others as I see fit. I see nothing wrong with this. It's how I control what happens to me instead of being powerless and others affecting my life for me.
Very true!
A long life of isolating becomes an ingrained way of being, and too comfortable to try to change.
I was WAY too invested in a relationship and it has costed me about 7 years of isolation. I cut off my close/direct friend group, I cut off family stopped going to holiday dinners, etc. I want to affirm what she says for anybody else going through this: #1 The time I have let pass has made it extremely hard to get back out again and #2 There is a lot of dread about the time I have wasted and continue to waste... ALONE. Recently I have started therapy and now I say hello to random strangers.
I am giving up on family and most friends
Pain of being taken advantage of
Too many times
Too much damage
Truth is hate exists
Siblings always attack the youngest or weakest
And their HATE is real
Can’t do it ever again
I moved way out on 55 acres to homestead and live peacefully away from society...this woman doesnt get that some of us attract only negative type people that are users ...empaths have a way of attracting needy people..took me many years to figure this out...i have to guard my energy...plus i have absolutely nothing in common with the people here...my tribe are online and so are my two sons here..thats just the way it is. Each time ive tried to talk to someome in my area, i regret it. I dont have the energy or time to deal with that. Yes, pets are enough...cuz they are more loving and loyal and deserving than 99 percent of the humans that ive had in my life of hell . five decades of hurt from people i helped , loved, trusted , etc taught me that. Not only am i ok with just friends online, im content and at peace. ❤
Live in the bush. I agree. Wish you well
Testimony:
Im 48 years old. Grew up in a severly abusive environment. Even though i became a christian 30 years ago ive really struggled with major cptsd. I think my default mode is varying degrees of disociation. By Gods grace im learning to accept and enjoy solitude. My relationship with Jesus strengthens me. And that healing is helping me to be more accepting of people. So that i can ocasionaly go out feeling less needy
Me too. Jesus never disappoints you. People do
Testimony? You dont want to talk about healing you want to elbow sci fi and magic and Jesus BS everywhere you go. It is so RUDE AND CRUEL.
Seeing and reading the comments section tells me that there are thousandsssss of people who feel exactly the same as me.. which is sort of comforting I suppose.. but it's sad that we still cannot find ways to completely heal what we are going through. Even though I still have all the symptoms and am still isolating myself, I have managed to get through depression and have experienced mild success in some areas that I would like to share:
1. First of all, isolating is HEALING. It's beautiful. Never shy away from isolating but doing it too much completely cuts off your opportunities of meeting those precious individuals who are NOT fake extrovert small-talk lovers that feed off of other people's energy in social situations. The good ones are rare but you can find them every now and then.
2. Meditation. Meditation helps create mental resilience. When we're alone with our thoughts it is very easy to fall into depressive/negative self-talk. If you haven't learned how to notice that you're doing this, isolation will spiral into hopeless depression. When you are feeling low, your thoughts will always seem to reinforce the negative perspective on life. This is a trick our minds play. If you're feeling low, just try not to think AT ALL.. or distract yourself with something that makes you feel better. If you're feeling better/OK, all your thoughts will reflect that vibration and your perspectives will start to feel better. Know that ALL NEGATIVE PERSPECTIVES on life are just that, PERSPECTIVES. You can look at things from an infinite number of angles. If you have low energy, those angles will always prefer to be depressive and negative. If you're full of energy and hope, it will be the opposite. Both perspectives are true, both perspectives are false. Whichever one you choose determines your reality. Thus, you gotta become adept at noticing your energy and thinking accordingly. Knowing spiritual truths and meditating gave me the ammo to overcome depression.
3. The type of your CPTSD is important. Mine is the freeze trauma response. I have hardcore ADHD and mild autism stemming from cptsd. Understanding what it is really helps you navigate it. People like me take in ALL the details from the outside world. We think VERY FAST but process information much slower. Thus, situations can easily overwhelm our sensory input and put us in a freeze state (exactly like stage fright when you forget everything you were gonna say when you get on the stage in front of people) because the brain is having trouble fitting all that information in and processing it. So the smartest thing to do is to avoid conflicts! Conflicts create a vast amount of information/pssible consequences of things being said or might be said as a reaction etc and overwhelms our consciousness guaranteed. The real damage and bitter experiences result from not the overwhelming part but the resulting inaction and how that inaction is perceived by other typical people around. We can respond to what people say just fine when we are relaxed and take the longer amount of time to formulate a proper response.. but when we go into that freeze state our mind just becomes BLANK. This results in others perceiving us as weak, unable to defend ourselves and/or stupid. Another part of this problem is not being a people pleaser but being an AGREEABLE person. We are usually agreeable because we want to protect harmony in the environment and avoid confrontation/conflict. Why do we avoid the conflict? Because we are sensitive to the energies and can easily pick up every small detail about the people involved. This agreeableness is much more prevalent towards people we care about. Our inclination is to not want conflict with the people we love and/or friends with. This invites manipulation from people we thought were good, so it's very important to correctly judge people. This inclination also makes it really hard to form actual boundaries. The trick is to notice how we are reacting and looking at it from an objective stance. One of the things I've been doing to offset this is to practice arguing online. I don't start arguments nor am I toxic but I counter fire with fire. I don't recommend this for beginners at all since it can further damage you if you don't know what you're doing or talking about... but I find it helps me get adept at formulating strong responses in a safe environment while taking my time. So the more I do this, the less I am affected by freeze ptsd because it reinforces the belief that I can easily counter arguments or manipulations.
4. All of these symptoms create the illusion that we are somehow incapable or less than others. I assure you we are not. We just operate differently. It's not our fault that we live in a profoundly SICK society full of braindead NPC's running around like they know everything. If we can understand how we operate, we can create the safe environments where we can shine! BUT, the excessive depressive thoughts and repeated failures in life will surely incur negative self talk and low self-esteem. These thoughts are simply NOT TRUE. To overcome this, train yourself every night, when you are already in bed and about to fall asleep, say: "I AM WHO I AM, AND THAT IS ENOUGH!" Say this 3 times, know that it's true. Do this for at least a month. The short window of time right before falling asleep is when our subconscious is completely accessible to programming. Use this!
5. WRITE, WRITE, WRITE! Don't just think about your problems in the moment and try to find solutions. Have a notebook or a document on your PC (I use Notion, it's awesome). Write your questions, list them. Formulate your own answers. Be patient for the ones you cannot answer yet. They will come. Even though it might seem like a chore or not very important, writing helps you A TON! It helps you because it helps pour all the chaotic jumble of emotions and thoughts in your head on to the paper. Once you've write down the things that are on your mind, your mind gets freed! Literally! Start a journal. Every day when you wake up, just write down whatever you're thinking into the journal. Nobody will ever read it but you. This isn't something that you will publish. It's just the chaotic jumble in your mind that you empty out. I cannot tell you how much this helps people deep in depression. I stopped writing a journal after I perfected my mental resilience through meditation but I still always write ideas, thoughts, ponderings into Notion (note taking app) and it helps a ton.
6. Be careful what you eat! Your diet affects everything in your body. Anything processed has chemicals inside that are designed to make you ill and feel bad. Avoid sugar at all costs! Make sure you are taking the necessary nutrients for your body! Follow Dr. Eric Berg on youtube, he will tell you everything you need to know on how to prevent illness. Don't just order in... Learn to cook your own food with proper ingredients. Everything is poisoned so this is a full time job and if you care about yourself you just HAVE TO take responsibility for the food you put in your body! There is no other option. DETOXIFY and FAST regularly. Fasting is the most organic, most natural and most effective way of cleaning your body. It will teach you what hunger really is. Your body is your TEMPLE. It should be the NUMBER 1 priority for your respect.
7. PHYSICAL EXERCISE: You didn't come to Earth to sit on your ass all day long at home. All the trapped energy from your thoughts and emotions cause mayhem in your body. All that energy gets STUCK in your body. You need to move and exert physical force to get that energy moving and helping your body to cycle those energies out. Nobody is asking you to get ripped. Start light but be consistent! The more muscle you have, the more energy you can handle. Exercising also forces your attention to be directed to your body. This becomes almost exactly like meditation. It is guaranteed to make you feel better. Nothing beats the comfort you experience after working out for an hour, taking a hot bath, wearing new clean clothes and relaxing into a comfort tv show (mine is Star Trek TNG) while your muscles ache from the workout. It's such a sweet ache because you know you've done well for your body. It feels like you've just completed the most honest work one can do. You have invested your time and energy to yourself! You've done the work! Now you can relax...
These are the things that have made the most impact on my healing journey. I am still isolating and yes, it's sad that it's very hard to find those meaningful connections and precious people. Even though we force ourselves back into social situations every now and then, we get discouraged when we find ourselves in a sea of people bereft of that quality of depth. One can feel even more alone in those situations because even when you are going above and beyond to tolerate the chaotic energies being thrown at you, you can't create real connections because people are so shallow. This prevents intimacy and the real reason people feel alone is a lack of intimacy. We are deep individuals. We have to accept the fact that not everyone is the same. We need to find it within ourselves to make up for that lack of intimacy. We need to develop a special kind of love for ourselves. If we can do this, then we can also find it within ourselves to EXPRESS our thoughts and emotions to the best of our ability! The only way out is EXPRESSION! When you express, you shine your light bright and finding the good ones will become much easier. Keep in mind that expressing yourself without understanding yourself and without implementing the steps I listed above WILL CAUSE MORE DAMAGE. So dip your feet in the waters every now and then.
I hope this helps. If you have any questions I'd be happy to answer as far as I'm able.
Isolation felt like making space for my own needs, but in the end it comes with a price and the price is loneliness… so here I am, alone with Christmas. Only to realize I am a work in progress and I will choose life and will do my best to make different choices from now on. Thanks…
Same. I felt a strong need for isolation and didn't think I'd ever feel lonely, that feeling just wasn't on my radar as my need for solitude was far more powerful. Now it's hard to reconnect with people (new people) but I haven't yet given up hope or at least that's what I tell myself! I guess I still need quite a lot of alone time, it would just be nice to have some easy-going company sometimes. All the best to you and everyone else here ❤
We're all rooting for you :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I learned from myself that its ok to be alone or and avoid people.
I pulled away from people because they kept saying they cared and all I got was stonewalled. I shared that I am a victim of abuse and suddenly all my friends dissapeared even after he moved out. I was left alone when I really needed support and someone to talk to. So, now I don't share my terror with anyone. People simply don't care.
All very true. I'm 65 and have isolated for the last 20 years. I am just now thinking of maybe socializing again, but just thinking about it. People are dangerous to me.
With CPTSD, people can be triggering! Anna’s course Connection Bootcamp shows how to work on that. bit.ly/CCF_Connection
Nika@TeamFairy
I definitely agree. There are so many predators out there. One of the worst kind are the ones who everyone thinks are so nice too. Socialising and dating for me has been like walking across a minefield and landed me in hospital more than once.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairyanything for another couple thousand. Question? How do people with mental illnesses have so much money to buy your material?
Must not be too much of a disability if you make enough money to afford that kind of “help?” See! I understand that I have to help myself! Which means ain’t no help! Now that’s a illness! 😈😬😵💫
I hate small talk. I avoid it. That's why most people don't like me and I have zero friends. People think I'm serious or standoffish or miserable.
Same
Ditto
I have rejection sensitivity and so I’m standoffish. I mingle enough when I have to.
I’m 76 years old. When I was 2 my 8 year old brother was murdered by someone caving in his head with a cinder block. I had five older siblings who along with my parents were and remained damaged throughout their lives. I’ve been married three times and have had numerous affairs but I have never felt loved. I am at peace with my lot in life but thank you for giving hope to others.
Yes this is my life since childhood and I'm 41y now. Depression, anxiety, avoidant personality disorder and only since a few months ago I've been diagnosed with CPTSD. I only recently started with trauma therapy. The most difficult part is that at home I keep the depressions at bay, and facing my fears, stress and going out gives me depressions. It's so hard to break this cycle. I have absolutely no clue how to rewire my brain and get more in touch with my emotions, but the therapist says it is possible. It's just really hard to imagine because I've been living in this fight and flight mode most of my life.
Hi. Hugs to you! One thing that therapists will never tell you is the damage you describe is permanent. There is no pill or modality to erase the memories of serious abuse.
I don’t WANT to be around people. I hate being social. Can’t stand it in fact. I occasionally have moments of loneliness….like once or twice a yr for an hour or two…. but 99.9% of the time I’m quite happy to be on my own. I don’t WANT others in my life. I do not like friendships. I travel all over the world, I enjoy wandering around the city I live in, and having lunch or dinner, I hike and ski and backpack and snowshoe, I paint, I read, I go for runs….all on my own. I’m never home on the weekends because I’m out having a great time. By myself.
I have discovered that when I felt lonely, I am usually just horny.
I just listen to myself and go with that. I have been isolating for nearly 5 years and I’ve never been happier. I limit who is allowed in my life. I limit what I give and to who. I have children and a husband but very few friends. If I want to socialize, I do it at home. I really am truly contented when alone. I think that’s great progress. People are work and I don’t want to work too hard. Animals are much better friends. I have lots of them ❤️God bless everyone on your healing journey!
Agreed. For me, the COVID isolation mandates were a blessing.
I shared my CPTSD diagnosis with my boss. She immediately started to track my behavior by meeting with one of my employees and one day I asked my employee about it and then I was fired.
There is a different group of people - those with a serious yet invisible illness,which, in the UK has a high probability of NOT being diagnosed.
Not only does one not receive medical support & understanding, but friends/family & yes, including counsellors -ASSUME one is withdrawing because of psychological maladjustment, isolation etc as you have described.
This really causes mental anguish to the patient in a situation that is already difficult.
Yes there are people who are hypochondriac etc. But there are also those with genuine undiagnosed serious conditions. Please be aware of these possibilities.
My experiences have taught me that my family, friends, and neighbors (which I no longer maintain relationships with, thus my isolation) are manipulative, predatory, selfish, greedy, and have selective morals based on the probability and cost of punishment (if they can get away with it and/or the punishment isn't too bad, then they'll do it). Unfortunately, I've found this to be true of too many people that I've met from all walks of life, countries, cultures, and ages.
The amount of wheat to chaff is so low, it's no longer worth it to me to make the effort; I take more damage than I can deal with. I don't think/feel that I'm not worthy or ugly or somehow insufficient. Instead, I feel like I haven't found anyone who can check the boxes and pass through the filters to become someone I can trust/friendship. My goal is not to self-isolate entirely, but it is a technique/tool in my journey through life to stay safe, sane, and productive. Good or bad, healthy or unhealthy, I prefer this method to the alternative of being someone's target and taking damage to my reputation and my emotional/financial wellbeing.
I could've written that word for word. The difference is that I have three people close to me I can trust with whom I have regular contact. They're nice people. There are a few more a little further away that I also see as good people, but I've ejected so many because they were users. As you say, there's very little wheat, and when you impose a bare minimum that people don't manipulate, use, and so on, and don't have selective morals, then that weeds out the vast majority of people. I notice that these people manipulate and use each other, and certainly as far as women are concerned, they expect me to be insincere back to them, and use and manipulate.
I feel I’m in a vicious circle of not feeling good enough for people, so I change myself and hide my true self away, but it still doesn’t feel enough for people. Being in groups tends to remind me of how beneath everyone else I feel. I do like being with people but my crippled self esteem just can’t take it.
I can walk into a room and almost instantly feel others' emotions. I look at facial expressions and body language and can sense the particular energy of a room, and then I inadvertently absorb it, which in turn triggers my PTSD. I can feel their sadness, their anger, etc. For many years, I was dragged around to parties, weddings, and other social engagements until I could no longer handle the pain and became somewhat of a recluse. It's not that I dislike people. It's quite the opposite. I love people. It's just too painful being around them. When I share just a bit of what I struggle with, it is often met with disbelief, which then causes me to isolate even more. These could all be symptoms of PTSD, and I could be imagining it all. Something happened just today. A young woman came to deliver groceries to my home. The minute she stepped out of the truck, I noticed the look on her face. She looked defeated, hopeless, and sad. I felt it instantly. I have been thinking about it all day. These kinds of interactions stay with me for days or even weeks. I will often express these feelings through art, writing, and music. Otherwise, they'll be simmering in my mind indefinitely.
Only two choices when traumatized. Self destruction, self construction. I chose the latter and became the envy of my enemies. I don't chase wealth, woman or validation. I ignore all three and live in a blissful exile.
Being alone the last 18 months has been the safest I've ever felt in 42 years. Everytime I've tried to socialise or date dangerous personalities have gravitated towards me because I'm confident and kind. Stalkers, people trying to break into my house, scare me, men trying to manipulate me, women seeing how far they can push me, getting fired because I'm not an idiot. Its really not worth losing everything I've worked for on the risk anymore just to have someone to hang out with. Always me putting in the effort and costing me money and heartache. Then no one around if I've ever needed it. Trustworthy people are very few and far between.
Started a new job a few weeks ago... a co-worker has taken a shine to me... one night he even followed me home. I can't even just be a stranger and go to a new workplace without attracting toxic people. I certainly don't feel comfortable actually inviting anyone new into my life. If its my mindset that is the problem then it seems that I'm pretty screwed either way, which I guess you just have to laugh at really. Being hypervigilant and cautious is just how some of us keep ourselves alive.
Yeah I'm 42 as well, and definitely disagree with the bit about not thinking the dating pool is a cesspool. Statistically, because the well adjusted, neurotypical, securely attached are for the most part not dating at this stage in life, already attached and raising children, what remains is...well, everyone else. Anyone who's used apps can anecdotally tell you this easily. The amount of disordered, cluster b, avoidant, users, or even dangerous people is alarming. These people are also drawn to those with trauma like a moth to a flame, so if there is a default mode, it should be protecting oneself and not giving the benefit of the doubt to strangers.
Wow! Thank you for this video at this exact moment. Sobbing to myself and feeling so terrible that I’m alone on Christmas. I’m not important enough for some toxic family to see on Christmas and definitely have to isolate from others. And usually have a pattern of isolation in every day life because people are so draining. It’s really hard when all my psychic strength is spent on a toxic corporate job for survival. How to get off this hamster wheel of despair? Will have to watch this video again… it seems it’s exactly for me.
Saying prayers and sending love to everyone else this video speaks to. At least we are not alone in our aloneness. ❤
Hi Angelisa368, merry Christmas!
I'm in the USA and celebrating Christmas alone, as well. The house is empty, I've got a pot of soup on the stove, I've got a short story to work on and new ideas to write, and I've got some chores to get done.
I'm replying to your comment because I want you to feel seen and heard; that somehow my comment can give you an opportunity to feel and think a little better. ❤
Be well. Merry Christmas.
Wow, we are living a similar life by the sounds of it.🙄 Sending 🫶🙏 from 🇨🇦
You're not alone. There are a lot of us feeling the same way and sobbing WITH you. You are part of a community. Sending you warm greetings and best wishes.
You are definitely not alone; I feel that way, too. Through Crappy Childhood Fairy membership, I have found the support and techniques to feel better and manage my fear of others' judgements. It is still work and takes effort but I am starting to learn how to live in the world and be more myself without hiding and avoiding others because of those fears and because I was never taught good boundaries. I found a lot of support with the Crappy Childhood Fairy group. I hope you find help, too, where ever you can. Good luck!
I pray that you get a job offer at better pay 🙏🏻
I go to social functions , yet I always have a way to escape. I don't know what will ve going on in a room till I get there. Small groups are best for me.
I lived decades in that bad spot. I’ve learned good boundaries and I use them. I connect well with others. Even still, being alone feels good to me.
One important thing I realised is that I isolate whenever I feel let down by people. For instance when those closest to me don't include me or even consider me when making plans to go out or just hang out as a group. I'm a person who never wants to hurt someone's feelings and always tries to make sure everyone feels included, so when I feel like they don't care as much about me, I just isolate and kind of avoid their messages or calls. I know I have abandonment issues stemming from childhood, but I am also realising that people are very selfish and contact me mostly when they need me or have no one else to hang out with. Therefore I'd rather spend time alone with my dog. Dogs are the best if you want to be alone but not lonely!
I remedy this by doing solo activities out in the "wild." I think living in NYC helps. I go out and journal in a coffee shop or in a museum Cafe for example. So I'm still out amongst people, but I'm still doing my activity alone. I get my social meter met this way. Here, people can exist without the social pressures of having to interact, even when they're outside. People leave you alone, everybody is minding their own business here. I think that's why I love it. There are so many people that you can get lost if you want. Other people hate the city for this very reason, but I love it.
Same for me in LA
@donzucca264 me too, in LA! my apartment is all windows and i watch the world go by like a fish lol
Some empathic people need to be alone frequently. People who are overstimulated by environments need quiet spaces and that's just reality. You cannot change a person who needs a quiet safe haven. Not everyone can live the same way. Some people leave the TV on or radio on all day. Others want silence. Some time around others is necessary. Some people avoid large groups. Consider the various healing needs. We are not all alike. Reality.
Well said, thank you. I isolate to cope with feeling triggered. I know it's not ultimately healthy for connection. But as an introvert, I LOVE being alone also
I’ve become weird. I went in public to a couple stores the other day, and I felt my entire body start getting hot and tingling and felt like I was going numb when I had to go talk to the cashier because I was afraid if she asked me anything other than “hi how are you” that it would catch me off guard and I wouldn’t know what to say back and would say something awkward because I’m soooo out of practice. It was extremely uncomfortable.
We need to be socialized to feel healthy. If you need some helpful tools, Anna developed Connection Bootcamp - a course that provides a structured way to start working on friendships and social life. bit.ly/CCF_Connection Give it a try, if you're interested!
Nika@TeamFairy
I’ve been isolating since I was a child. I was the only child for 9 years always in my room alone. I went to school of course. Then came my sister but I grew up plying in my room. Today talking to myself, today I like living alone. But I do want a husband now.
get out there more or the weird will stick! Been there! You got this :)
I feel this so much!!!
Sound like beginning of social anxiety