Are You In A Financial Abusive Relationship? Key Action Steps | Clever Girl Finance
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 4 มี.ค. 2023
- Learning the signs of financial abuse and how to safely leave a financially abusive relationship is incredibly important. If you’re scared of leaving an abusive relationship, help is available.
Have you overcome a financially abusive relationship? Share how you got past it - your comments can help someone else. Stay tuned for key tips to navigate and get out a financially abusive relationship.
In today’s video we are going to discuss key action steps if you find yourself in a financially abusive relationship. Let’s dive in.
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This is not the most pleasant topic but it is so important to know because it can happen without us even realizing it.
Yes so true. Thanks for tuning in!
I was married to a narcissistic man who abused me. I stopped working early in the relationship to stay home and take care of the kids. BIG MISTAKE! To get out of this situation, I seeked help from a domestic abuse center and they helped me with an exit plan, temporary housing, food assistance and job/education assistance. God was and is with me all the way! I also read a really good book named, "I just want out" by Jodi Schuelke. Thank you for covering this topic. Your tips were excellent!!
Thank you for sharing this. So happy your situation has improved. Thanks for suggesting the book.
Can you help me please how they handle it
You're DEFINITELY not alone. Look up Partnership against domestic violence. PADV. It's toll free and should be able to assist.
And for those that give the "why don't you just leave" quip, NO ONE who's been IN it would say that. There are so many moving parts and you don't owe anybody an explanation.
But you do owe it to yourself and your children to try and get to as safe away as possible.
I've been a saver all my life. Mom was a banker & set us up w savings accts at the age of 5. Dad also encouraged me, ESPECIALLY as a girl/woman to ALWAYS have my own.
Then I just got all types of rebellious & married a total opposite at 21. I was called an immature tightwad who didn't know about life (he was five yrs older and I met him when I was 16😕)
I didn't necessarily 'try to change him' but I didn't realize he'd try to change me. Almost from the beginning there were arguments about (get this) SAVING! I am not an all or nothing, but electricity, gas, water, are BASICS, right??🤔
Things were ALWAYS late, payment arrangements weren't kept, when the hoopties (because I was reprimanded for being able to show that we could save, get a reliable vehicle & still have extra) conked out & family lent us cars, he totaled them w/o even offering to pay, joytoys were bought from by here pay here places then not paying, giving bad addresses to hide them, a Christmas tree was stolen from an outdoor lot one year, back taxes were owed every year, credit was crapped from about the third year throughout. Any time I'd have $$ left over from coupons, I was accused of 'saving to go on vacation w another guy '😮...and when was all this supposed to happen?? & What was I supposed to do with the kids?? Put them under a rock somewhere while I'm off with my invisible lover in Tahiti??🙄
One time, I put $5 into a joint savings (to at least start saving to pay the taxes) from the checking and that led to a volcanic episode and confiscation of the checkbook...where NOTHING got paid until he gave it back for me to do.
Toward the end, I tried to write out different types of budgets and SHOWED what was left over, he would withdraw that amount and buy golf clubs, scuba gear, etc in addition to having $200-300 automatically go to a separate account I was not on. But I could not have a separate account. I've had to also return groceries to the store to keep bills from bouncing.
At about the 20th year into the mess, after the sheriff came to serve a warrant for not returning yet another 'joytoy'I knew I had to get out. It was considered theft by conversion because he bought it from a private party. I also self reported to my principal because my name was also on it & theft isn't looked too highly upon when you work for the school system 😮
The threats had escalated from stonewalling for years to checking my odometer to death (those threats started closer to the 21st yr). I later found out he has held a firearm to both my sons. My eldest left for the military soon after he graduated HS. My middle one was starting HS, & the youngest (a daughter) was starting Middle school when I made my Exodus.
I had started working at an elementary school in the cafeteria until our youngest was out of daycare. That was about 8 yrs before I made my Exodus. Then I got an office clerk position working directly with the admin team of my school. I worked for 4-5 administrators. I got ALL holidays off, summers, breaks, and I was vested after only 5 yrs. I also qualified for two pensions that could only be taken early for catastrophic issues. (Remember this for later). This was the escalation of the mess.
I've been told the best place to hide something (sometimes) is in plain sight. I had planned to just move out and find a place, but the attorneys I spoke with told me that if I left before anything was filed it would be considered abandonment. By this time it was more stonewalling and the verbal threats weren't as frequent but still there.
I had started to work extra and have that amount come in a check which I cashed and locked up at work.
I asked one more time for counseling & he refused so I asked for 'us' to get a divorce & he basically said I have no where to go, no money, & if I did leave, I'd be back because I couldn't afford to leave & called it (me) a stupid idea & said he knew I couldn't even get that right.
I was 'fortunate' he started staying away more but I had to do something soon.
So I applied for prepaid legal at my job that October and I started outlining in my journal at work what I needed to start over. CASH, dishes, silverware, even unused curtains. I started stocking up on tp, soap, dish & laundry detergent, I definitely got my business attire out (all classic items so not trendy, but still what I needed for work & all from consignment or thrift stores over the years) I had a closet in my little office and took them there & just kept a few tops & skirts at the house (because they would have been torn or bleached). At first, I figured I could just buy it, but after 1st month & a deposit, I needed to tighten as much as possible.
My prayer partners at work had pics of big items they were getting rid of and instead held them for me (kitchen table & chairs, armoire, a basic tv, a VCR (which was fine because my $$ was tight so no cable), a converter box, a sofa, loveseat, bed frames (I had to save for mattresses), but I had cots they slept on & the couch & bookshelves, etc.
I started putting sheets, towels, blankets away, basic 'soft items' but things we'd need. I found a sturdy tool box at the GW & took sets of tools (sounds silly, but I didn't want to be conspicuous, but I knew another place would need something fixed).
I scoured the Goodwill & thrift stores for things I could put in Rubbermaid bins. I took pictures of the kids growing up, my jewelry (which I sold), & all medical information.
I also went for a tax consultation w the VITA program (Google it. It's free and they can answer your tax questions or call the IRS directly. They really don't bite😊). I found out what exemptions I was entitled to take, what my income tax return would be, etc. it worked out that for almost ten years that no federal taxes were withheld AND I got a return AND it was from REAL tax preparers AND all done free LEGALLY!.
Back to the Exodus: The prepaid lgl went into effect 30 days later and day after Thanksgiving I did a free consult w an attorney and the following week sat w the atty to hammer out what was going to happen.
He wasn't served until January (the holidays are the most dangerous time for DV issues, esp when you're trying to leave. There's a whole series called Homicide for the Holidays that chills me. I couldn't get past the first episode)
We were out for Christmas break and during the whole break I was looking for places to rent in my kids' school zone (I was able to get them on permissive to attend a much better school. If I could find a place within the boundaries, they could get a bus).
He was served Jan 3 & promptly contested it trying to have one of my pensions split. Judge said not even. He kept his, I kept both of mine.I compromised A LOT but I got out. I agreed to 1/3 of what the cs legally was set by the state for the first year. It was final Valentine's day, 2012, I found a rental April 1 & moved out.
All the bins were in the basement. I had the sheriff accompany me for the dryer, the deep freezer, and the kids' dressers. I borrowed a pickup & we got them & left.
I was able to get restraining orders to keep him away from the house if he figured out where it was (wasn't rocket science w Google🙄). I had it put in the decree that the children could only be exchanged at the police station or the fire department. My license, voter ID, car insurance, was approved to have the physical address of my P.O. Box on it (so it registers as an apartment). He could not come to my job, church, or anything.
I had insomnia and night fears for 3 months from thinking I kept hearing his motorcycle at night (turns out it was a neighbor who worked mid day shifts to 11😅).
2 months after the decree he stopped paying on the house (which I left full of furniture & his 'roommate' decided she could do bad all by herself & left) & stopped paying cs.
I signed for a car with what little good credit I had then filed BK to release myself from both the fin obligation of the house (mort companies DO NOT recognize quit claim deeds) & the marital car that broke down 60 miles from the rental.
A month after that, my eldest was deployed to Afghanistan & I underwent the 1st surgery for bc and the whole school system started furloughs.
I utilized food pantries from the start for the next 3 yrs.
But I also started attending 1st time home buyer workshops to get my steps in order to get us a permanent home.
It took 2.5 yrs of bare boning it, but it's possible. 3 yrs after, I locked in @ 3.625 fixed for 30 w NO PMI & closed ona 4br/2ba on a 1/2 acre wooded fenced in lot in one of the top school districts.
11 yrs later, both sons are military, daughter graduated Magna Cum Laude w a bachelor's & I went back to school & earned 2 national certifications for my side hustle (court reporting) & my day job salary is almost tripled. 😊
~Still yourself, think outside the box, if you just leave w your get out bag & the kids, then do it. You can always replace stuff; you can NEVER replace life.❤
My best friend just told me this past week that I might have to stay in a shelter for a while with my kids and it makes me cry again typing this. I don’t know anything about leaving and it’s so scary. Not because of leaving but because of how to live and support my children after leaving. I quit my jobs early too because of children (which I’ve always been thankful to be home with my family) and working for him at his place of work instead of where I enjoyed my work for years and supported my life before him. I came here because I don’t even know what is fair with money and marriage. I don’t bring any income in but I’ve been confused about why I’m asked what I use every penny for and why I can’t just have an allowance from our money that I have to budget and use however I see fit for us each month.
This is such an important topic. It's been over 20 years since I left the financially/emotionally abusive I was in but just listening to this brought it all back like it was yesterday. This is a great reminder that those of us who have survived these experiences need to share our stories to help educate the younger women in our lives.
Growing up it was very obvious this is what my mom went through. Im lucky enough that i was able to see the signs and im in a relationship now that is quite the opposite. But this really helps me understand what she went through and what my other family members are going through
Thanks for sharing and tuning in!
I desperately need out of this abusive marriage. I have zero access to funds, nothing with my name on it and i get $100 a month for allowance. Im so scared. I have survived cancer and now diagnosed with Cptsd and PPPD. I feel trapped.
So sorry you are going through this. As you've shown you are a survivor! Since you mentioned this is an abusive marriage please contact NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE: 800-799-7233 for support and resources asap - they can help. You will get through this!
start with a psychological shift in yourself. dont be afraid be determined. dont think how how how yet just know u will change this and pray about it. it doesnt have to make any sense. you shift you first-- it doesnt matter how little or much money. remove fear and go through the light. believe in it and go through it.
Look for help in your city or area for abuse survivors. Many have apartments and resources for women.
Hey.. I hope you’re doing better ❤❤
Thank you for talking about financial abuse. Many don’t realize or even heard of this kind of abuse
We are so happy you found it useful. Please share so more people can find it.
@@Clevergirlfinance I did on my timeline last night. Now that it’s coming from a professional, people will take it seriously
Depending on the card being used they will know immediately if you get cash back at a store..I used to think that wasn’t shown but my husband checks the app attached to whichever card I take to use to see when the transaction was made how much it was and it shows if I got cash back to unless it’s a bank debit card it will show if there was cash back attached to the transaction so be careful
Thanks so much for sharing this!
I'm blessed to find this subject being so widely discussed. It is a harrowing experience and those hapless women who are not strong enough to fight their way through this must seek professional advice immediately and find support and protection.
This is a very important topic and you gave excellent advice. Good job on addressing this.
Thank you for watching and sharing so more people can access it.
Thank you for sharing a lot of people don’t realize this type of abuse.
Yep. As more people learn about it, they can begin to assess their situation and take the necessary steps
Thank you for sharing this! Financial abuse is so real unfortunately.
This is so common !!! Thank you for choosing this topic!
You're so welcome!
I know of a married couple where the husband is being completely financially abused, dealing with over ten years of infidelity, and lives in a no-fault-divorce state. Unfortunately, dude will probably wound-up living in his car, while his wife spends up any divorce settlement, and along with ruined credit. Knowing of dude's situation, keeps me from ever considering marriage. It appears marriage is a great risk to happiness, peace of mind, and financial freedom. You have a great channel and I will let the dude know to check out your channel. Thank you. 👍
Thank you for creating this video. I've even seen with happen with seniors. These tips are helpful for anyone facing this type of abuse!
So true! Seniors are also impacted severely. Thanks for tuning in.
Thanks for providing such good tips and information! There were tips that alot of people would have never thought about.
So very true‼️ Excellent Video‼️❣️
Very good topic!!
True
Yes, all the advice is essential and we can/do find ourselves in such unpredictable circumstances.
Thank you for watching
Thank you
MY husband said my name doesn't have to be on ANYTHING because I am in the trust . Will that protect me ? For how long? Doesn't it just take a one minute phone call to his lawyer to get my name off the trust?
This also applies to whole neighborhoods. Mobbing is a REAL thing, especially if you have an asset and they want it.
Mine did not let me get a $11 TTD pack of lettuce and $32 TTD pack of tomatoes the first time she bought food this year, although I've supported us soley moreless for 2 years.
Ive been trying to get help. Ive gone through this all
Have you leverage the resources listed in the description? So sorry to hear you are going through this awful situation. Please stay strong and please check out the resources.
Y name is Marianita Tinio I’m married to terry oppermann and I have 2 daughters my husband is a semi lawyer retired. My situation is not really good and I fell I am in danger situation and I need help to get out from here but I don’t know where we can go my daughters I need to make sure my daughters is safe if go work
We do business together so he follows all my accounts to see whether am saving them he concludes am stealing his money
I just need help … what can I do in Nashville Tennessee? I need a place to stay that I can rent while I’m in nursing school. I terribly suffer in this marriage and he sent my daughter away (in my country) don’t talk to me more than a year and have a girlfriend…. I did everything for him. Now that he has documentation he turns his back to me
So sorry to hear this. Here are some resources that may help: www.thehotline.org/resources/financialabuse/
i bring my husband from Africa 3months a go he start work by cash 1month a go we have 3 kid's he didn't helping me i don't have clues where he put the money I'm the only person who pay all bills even to bring him in USA I spend a lot of money. What should I do please help.
talk to your Pastor @ church or a trusted friend so they can guide you. it will not get better before you know it you will be working & feeding his entire family in Africa😢
How do I find all of His hidden bank accounts ? I have found 2 and I know there are more, He has put my name on NOTHING, NOT THE 2 HOUSES OR 2 CARS AND NOT ON ANY INVESTMENTS ...HOW DO I FIND THE OTHER SECRETS ?
Divorce would be the legal way I'd assume. Until then follow all the tips & advice in the video and elsewhere online
Wow it just amazes me how people get their selves into these compromising relationships no man on this earth is going to get me to give up my independence
Sometimes abusers will Not stop and have habits and feel entitled where there is none. Tracking, and gaslighting is a huge part. From experience financial abuse comes from abusers not getting help with boundaries and insecurities, especially if they used to controlling, taking and more taking...
Children that are actors are very often finantially abused by their parents… sometimes you just find yourself in This relationships and it has nothing to do with your value and personality .
Like I said I will never be with someone who is abusive end of story don’t know why people on the internet are so miserable to point where they have to start confusion with everyone I can have my opinion without someone saying something gosh get a life
Thats a very insensitive opinion.. from someone who had a view like you- about giving up ypur independence..abuse in some form happened to me too.. and at your lowest its difficult taking that step, getting help and coming out safely.. and finally building back your confidence... you dnt see the abusers coming and its not your fault you become the victim and its a damaging you are not prepared or ready for.. hope you never have to go through it...
@@sherinmariamjohn3956 yes Sherin I pray that it never comes Fatima's way.. I can tell she is a strong person and I appreciate her comment. It made my day very much.
This kind of video is SO SO important🙏. It can literally save life. Thank you🩷
Thanks for watching!
What if somebody else is doing it like your landlord.. I am living on somebody else's property..I'm in a camper you pull with a truck..I've been homeless more times than I can count..I am and I'm not homeless.
I'm just here they will take almost all of my money leave me with nothing..I can't get anything.. my only other choice would be to go into a homeless shelter.. I have heard nothing but horror stories about those places especially being a woman.. this person takes all of it for the most part.. I don't mind helping with the bills not when it costs you just about every single Cent.. I don't think he is reporting any of the money to the IRS either.. I have no place to go to I have no friends no family where I am at
Thanks for sharing - please visit this link for resources based on your location so you can get guidance and support asap: www.thehotline.org/resources/financialabuse/
@@Clevergirlfinance I am using a cell phone I won't be able to get to any kind of computer.. is there a universal phone number that I could have instead.. a phone number that anyone could call..
"He didn't buy me that handbag, so I am suing him" 😂😢😢