Gave us money? Not an issue with me. Got a job at 13 making$6/ week. Father wanted $5 of it. Next 4-6 years, mother took 80% & doubled or tripled it for golden child's horse lessons even when I needed a car to get to my jobs. Had to thumb it, beg for rides. Gave money away all my life. Now 62 and finally learning I come first. Feel so stupid for not learning sooner.
You're not stupid, I went through sth very similar where money that was supposed to be allocated to me went to the golden child. They doubled the amount that I wanted to take to get a car, even though I was to pay it back to them and the whole thing went to the golden child that didn't have to pay it back. I guess it taught me to be independent and not count on them for anything. We're going to heal from this, it's ok that we went through that.. it was all for a good reason. Sending you so much love and healing.
I don't like dealing with money at all after dealing with my parents. If you did what they wanted you got money, but if you held on to yourself you got nothing including any emotional support. I was a very poor and lonely kid by design as a result of me not "buying in". I identified more with Cinderella than anyone else.
Man…. Do I completely understand this. I say all the time that I feel like Cinderella. I am currently so deep Into abuse at the moment. I am 32. And 14 year old me and life has started all over again. But it’s SO MUCH WORSE THIS TIME AROUND. I keep begging and begging my father to listen to me. Spending sometimes hours and day sending super long texts expressing how I feel and how the treatment and even non actions from my parents is detrimentally effecting me and my life. And he’s doesn’t even acknowledge the damn texts… and most of the time…. The control, the grip around my neck and the collar and leash gets MORE INTENSE AND STRONGER. It’s as if everytime in express what it’s doing to me, he continues on doing it but ups the ante up times 100. IM DROWNING AND CHOKING IN THIS PRISON CELL I FEEL LIKE I WAS FORCED INTO AND NOW AM STUCK IN FOR THE PAST FEW YEARS. It’s so fucking cruel. The amount of times I’ve thought to myself killing my self seems like the ONLY escape out of this nightmare. That never seems to end. It’s been a constant thought in my head…. As I suffer so greatly alone by myself. Isolated. While im continually fucking bullied, belittled, controlled, forced, threatened, emotionally mentally energetically spiritually and physically (more so from being a child till adult years, by my mother, and then throughout my life by many people, over the last 6 years by so called friends and ex lovers it’s been out of control the amount of abusers I’ve attracted towards me because I’m an unconditionally loving kind person) and financial abuse. Every damn thing this lady has said is EXACTLY HOW I FEEL. I feel so damn stuck and cannot see a way out. I cannot find help or support out of it. I suffer with autism, I’ve been unable to hold a real normal job. And so am financially dependent on my father. WHICH IS A NIGHTMARE THAT IS LITERALLY KILLING ME AND KILLING NY SOUL. I NEED HELP AND NEED RO BE FREE FROM MY PARENTS BEFORE I DO END UP TAKING MY OWN LIFE. I cannot and will not continue to live “more like survive be abuse THIS IS NOT LIVING” this way any more. Someone help me please.
I am one of those people who is scared to look at my bank balance! I'm forcing myself to get over that and take control. My folks have definitely used money to divide, punish and manipulate.
ALL THE ABUSE TYPES ALWAYS GO ON, IN LESS OR MORE MEASURE. They do material abuse, sexual abuse(either direct, or by inhibiting ur sexuality in the proper & healthy ways, or promoting u to use it more than normal & beneficial to u). Emotional, mental, physical abuse.
That was a big thing in my family too. The golden child got regular money and gifts and was encouraged to use them in a healthy manner, like a private school education and a car to use, and more allowance. I was banned from applying to private schools even though I really wanted to go to one, didn't get money for clothes, and was kept financially dependent in a lot of ways even into adulthood. Saving up to buy my own car was a big moment for me, I realized I have a distinct personally from the controllers and it could be reflected in my possessions. And, in fact, when I made my own choice, life would improve, bc I could have a small car suited to my needs that I liked going places with and facilitated going, rather than a huge old used van that made me not want to go anywhere. It's still hard for me to spend money on myself, and I definitely over spend when stressed. But As she said, it's the little steps. Good luck to any one reading this. You can do it too! ❤
I read the title of this and knew it was meant for me. I have been wondering the last couple years, just why I have such a neurotic distaste for, disinterest in and fear of money. Why am I doomed to be poor when I’m smart talented hard working and excellent at budgeting? I can do anything to serve someone else’s bottom line but nothing to serve my own. This channel is a gem!
My mom forced me to add a month to my lease because my sister needed to stay somewhere. I was promised that she would pay the rent for that month. She stayed then moved to my parents house. The rent was never paid. I had to figure out how to pay it so my credit wouldn’t be ruined with an eviction. No one cared.
I finally went back to college and finished a bachelors degree in my mid 40s. I overcame all of my money trauma when I graduated with a degree in finance. I’m an artist. Actually literally an artist. Then I got a job as a corporate controller at a hedge fund. And I was still literally an artist. Boom. I chose my major as a result of an incident when I went to get my artwork printed and had questions about their cost accounting system and their bid on printing my work. The print shop said, “honey you’re just an artist. Let me talk to your husband about pricing. “ At that moment I made a solemn vowed to myself that I would do something that would make it so that nobody NOBODY would ever be able to say something like that to me again. And I did. No one in my family came to my graduation or even acknowledged my degree. Although one of my parents did say, “aren’t you lucky,“ when I told them what I had accomplished. They had been saying that about all of my accomplishments for as long as I can remember. I had been working since the age of 11, and on my own since the age of 16. So fuck them.
"No one in my family came to my graduation or even acknowledged my degree" - same with me. Your story is amazing, so empowering and truly inspiring. I'm so happy that there are some non bullsh*t people out there, willing to do the hard work.
Thanks for the share! At age 34 I decided to follow my buried dream to become an artist. I made no proclamations. I just did it. First, acting school then filmmaking, poetry, songwriting, learned guitar, ukulele and piano (sort of!) and took up drawing. I can tell you exactly how much interest my family has had about my new pursuits by telling you how many questions they've collectively asked. Let ... me ... see ? Oh yeah. zero. (And my mother went to art school! )
As bullied always by the golden child and after stealing money several times and controling me with lack of money the last thing he did was steal my part of the inheritance
Once I graduated high school I was on my own. I received zero financial support. My mom helped my siblings but NEVER helped me. At the same time I have been extorted for money from my mom and siblings. The fear of saying no was tremendous and if I had no choice because I simply didn’t have it, I was punished. I worked so hard because at one point earning money and career success was the only way I knew how to feel worthy. So having financial success was important to my existence and validation. I matter and I’m good if I’m successful. Now I get that was a selfworth issue. So glad to finally feel free from needing external things for validation and free from that abuse.
My dad was a rich right wing business man. He threatened to send me a bill for being born. Even though I was born to save his ass from the draft for the Vietnam war. I went no contact with him for 17 years, My younger brother stuck around to be "parentified". Dad died. My brother took dad's money and his 4 bedroom house - the place where I suffered the worst traumas of my life. I got nothing. Nada. Brother cremated my father and refused to invite me to the funeral. Brother has so much money now that he doesn't work. and keeps his ashes on the shelf in the house. Brother has so much money now that he doesn't work. He just sits in the 4 Bed room house alone and drinks himself to black out every night. He's 50 years old had 2 MRIs when he was close to organ failure twice. He complains like a victim to my mother "why won't my brother call me?" My mother refuses to acknowledge any of it is real. My mother, covert narc has made my brother her new son-husband. Other women will not go near him. I am the scapegoat. They both live to do this. I mean it is the entire raison d'etre of their entire life. Abusing me.
@@TomHuckACAB Hi, it is lovely to read your experience here as it is similar to mine so I feel a bit of connection. I am 60 and I used to be anti capitalist but now I think differently. 1. Money is neutral-it does what it says on the tin and that is it is a neutral token of promise which is accepted in exchange. That is all. 2. Capitalism is natural. The free market is when people buy what they want when they want in the quantities they want from whom they want to buy from. Nature and the free market go together. If someone calls it capitalism, well, they obviously have a bad feeling about money. 3. God knows everything and He keeps His promises. Read the Gospel. Start with Saint Mark, then Saint Luke, then Saint Matthew then Saint John. 4. Have nothing to do with bad ways or people who lead people into bad ways. God sees everything. 5. Pray for your family-your father's eternal soul to be forgiven by Almighty God for sin. For your own soul and for mine too. 6. Pray for God's guidance in your life. I hope this is helpful for yu, sir. God bless you. Amen Elizabeth 🙂in UK
They sound similar to my mother and brother duo😮 the term son husband made me laugh a little from within and am equally angry about how these people function. Exactly what my mother is doing with my brother. Simply living off of dad's money. And i am like a poor child of rich parents. I even struggle for a one time meal. It's shocking how these people get away with the stuff that they do
Wow....money it seems was their 'undoing'.. And hopefully you are better off.. It's tough though as they are 'family'... I wish at times I was an orphan, so I could imagine a 'loving family' that I had lost...
@@earthrooster1969 same here sis atleast we didn't have to mourn the loss of what could have been out life with good parents.its like our burden is double.we are like orphans plus baggage
My mother hid a gift my father left to his children when he passed in the60s. I never knew about it till she was on her death bed and I still didn't know where it was from. People back then kept every piece of paper so thats how I found out. I scrubbed toilets while she lived comfortably on it my whole life. How I ever survived her and her family Ill never know. Betrayal is an understatement. No words.
Your mom sounds like mine. 😢I was in the role of care giver and later got kicked out. I used to struggle for food even. she even stole the cash which was gifted by friends on my marriage. She and my brother stole all my father's earnings property I got nothing. 😢 hugs I feel your pain😢
I get it. I never will forget her hiding pound cake from Richs under her bed. Probably measured it with a tape measure to see how much I cut off. And I did. I was starving. Being adopted by a person like this was so difficult. But I'm choosing to work on myself and process those feelings of anger and shock. If my pantry gets low, I have to go to the store. I ate a cube of bullion after school, if I was lucky. Being so strict is what I'm looking at. It definitely interrupts the flow of life and learning for a child. I never could figure out what I did wrong. But I sure did go through a time to make it a self fulfilling prophecy. The reaction to being dehumanized and devalued as a human being. There are always many different factors involved in every situation. But I will say this. Only God got me through it. If it weren't for Him, I would have drowned. I almost did at 7, but something saved me. I felt it pull me up out to the surface. Some people just don't need to be around children. They're just not safe or are qualified to love them. 😊
Totally, get where you’re coming from. My mother’s relatives were just the most god-awful people. Every last one was a huge train wreck in some way or another.
This video is amazing. I believe that scapegoats are shamed in so many different ways but one of those ways is money. I've known this all my life but to have it articulated the way you have is AMAZING. It is very affirming.
This is my life story. I’ve searched high and low and finally found validation, belief, and empathy. People tell me “I’d love your money, for a little control, you’re so ungrateful, and I’d rather cry in a Jaguar rather than a Ford.” My name has been used as a tax write off for my father, my name is in companies where I never received K1’s until a few years ago and the accountant is part of the family’s wealth network. I tried to change accountants for myself and my father went ballistic. I’m on family payroll. Wealthy narcissistic family relationships are all transactional. My father calls himself the bank. All I ever wanted was him, not his presents, but his presence. 😭 I want to be free! 🦅
I have had the trust fund dangled in front of me my whole life. I just went no contact with them. My dad is 80, but I just can't stand a minute more of abuse. I feel free.
We have the same father/family! I finally made it out and was homeless with my teen son-even going to the bathroom in hole in the ground while my family spent ten thousand bailing my golden child brother out of jail haha I’m poor as hell and now sucked back tot he sane Town since my son is coming of age and has friends here…but I am completely emancipated now! At the cost of now being constantly afraid of how to pay for food and rent. I could’ve gotten away with enough money to build a life but Narc father made sure to play mind games and take swipes at me so that I couldn’t get away with much. But I’m NEVER going back now and he knows it😂 I’m free!!!
@@KatieBumbysame! And turns out my dad has promised the same piece of property to me and my brother both at different times, to control our behavior. 😂😂e
Money was also a 'secret' growing up, we were not taught about its importance because we would then be empowered. The same went for cooking. We were not to ask any questions pertaining to how much the adults made or spent, and anger was directed if asked for money. My father started off early on telling us what he was not going to pay for; our first car, college, a wedding, and I always thought this was a form of tough love to make us self sufficient yet there was no other training about growing up and taking care of ourselves. It was known that once we made it through high school we were out. Looking back I felt that we (the siblings) were stunted in our growth trajectory and kept coming back to the the parents still looking for the missing love and acceptance-and denied. Classic, I now know. This is my first real year of healing, but I decided about twenty years ago that I would keep myself financially healthy enough to never have to go back and hit that wall again. Even now my parents try to belittle my successes, but it no longer sends me into weeks of trying to figure out "why are they doing this" anymore. I am happy with what I have done on my own. In the end I AM self sufficient because of a choice I made for my own well being. My father still tries to dangle the money carrot out there once in awhile, but now I know it is a trap that will only come with a lot of hurtful abuse, and that doesn't make it worth the effort of engagement.
I can relate. Its difficult to understand as a healed adult but growing up money was a big secret and if some money was needed even for basic things I was told we dont have any money.
I think I know what you have been through, I have had a similar repeating experience throughout my life. It has only occurred to me recently that the biggest crime is that there was no guidance to do things differently or show me how to get results, and the processes involved. in doing it properly instead of just getting it done. No wonder people think I am less than them, I had no idea.....and then there is the shame!!!!! Thee is one sibling that still hoovers me and tries to entice me but I too, know for sure it will end in weeks of tears and me putting myself back together even if the gaslighting is 'unintentional'.
I was refused school socks until the teacher called home and asked why I had attended school for nearly 2 weeks without socks. I got taken to buy new socks and shoes that same day.
My mother lied to me and made me give her power of attorney and after that she said that I will not get any money from my father's inheritance. Now she wants to give the entire inheritance to my other siblings. I've been the kid who's always been there when they needed me when they had problems . My mother is a sciophate and milgnant narcist. She didn't like it if her children were nice to each other. She created arguments and problems between us siblings. And discriminated me.... She would tear my clothes so I couldn't go to work when I was a teenager😞
"money is a great vehicle for us to live in our values." Wow, this really struck me and is with thinking about. When you can buy your own clothes, own and decorate your own space, have a vehicle that supports and reflects your lifestyle, eat where you want to, or go to events that will help you meet like minded others... you learn and can express who you are. No doubt that's part of why the controller doesn't want to let you have that... We don't talk near enough about financial abuse and its implications in narcissistic abuse, in part I think because it calls a lot of capitalistic assumptions into question, which the various systems in our lives always seems to want to avoid, as capitalism is the narcissistic father of all the other western systems. Thank you so much for this video!❤
When dad died I was so relieved that the "Hell" was finally over. I had not seen behind the mask yet, but felt relief. I was promised three things when he passed by himself personally. 1. A fake antique gas pump clock that looked like a pump from the 1930.s as I am the only child who loves cars and history. A Rolex like James Bond wore in the 1980s (Stainless steel submariner, no flash.) And a Gun dad kept in the RV for safety. (I was a ten year veteran of the Air Force and marksman's.) My sister who took over in a big way for dad when he died gave the watch to one of her little kids, the gun to another of her little kids, and the pump she said the following: "It is your pump, but mom is going to hold onto it in the basement for you right now." That was almost 15 years ago and I was 40 at the time, married, kids, lived local and still do. Its not the money or value of the items and who cares about that. Its the fact they were purposely handed to little kids and the fake pump to moms basement where it still sits and I have written a lot about it. Wouldn't entertain the thought of touching it with a 50 foot pole, and never will. Thanks
Your sister is exercising power over you. Jealous, possibly? Is she a golden child? Sometimes parents get these dynamics between kids started early on. In my family, I was assigned a role (escapegoat), my brother has his (golden child), and we were made to stop talking to each over over what it was actually the conflicts of the imature adults in the family. They involved us directly. The friendship we had has never recovered. Now he is a raging alcoholic and I am a loner. I can't handle drama and I feel safe on my own with my animals.
@@gypsy2007same and it’s a shame because my little brother and I really had fun together. But we were never allowed to have a close relationship. The triangulation started early.
Thank you Mary for addressing this extremely painful and important issue. Hearing the abuse described in such accurate detail was incredibly healing and validating for me. I appreciate your wonderful suggestions for journaling, and I hope you do more videos on this topic. Very few people understand the level of damage narcissistic parents do to their children around money and receiving prosperity in all forms.
Bless you for your profound insight on this matter Dr. Toolan. Financial abuse is a form of physical abuse that leaves devastating visceral scars in a person's psyche. Very grateful to you for shining light on this topic with your soothing voice and calm healing manner ❤❤❤
I have a mother who keeps changing her Will. She's done this all her life and continues to do so at 97. Depending on who she likes this week. No one knows how it's been changed, she just makes an announcement" I've changed my Will. I might say as soon as she's gone I'll be disclosing everything.
Did you know anybody can post an obit? In the newspaper, even if you are not related. You can also do the funeral they deserve. We did that a few times in our family. Heckling at a funeral. A brand new tradition.
Similar story here. Sacriligious, unholy and dishonest usurption of my inheritance - they:d rather see it all ruin than grant me any convenience or power in thie life. Bleak, shameful and unholy hate towards the only child that actually cared for them and father... Demonic shit, i cannot help thinking that it is too much, too incomprehensible, too evil and pointless
Zero accountability is ridiculous. I see little interest in truly protecting children. Children have no power (money or influence) so they are ignored & thrown under the bus. My mother, professional abuser, & my brother (her henchman) conspired to steal my inheritance for themselves. That was the last straw with my brother. I had already entirely cut my mother off. I will never see or speak to my brother again.
For every coin used on me, i repaid it via severe physical beatings, false allegations, emotional abuse, being over worked with house chores etc. Nothing was given to me for free. Also school fees was all paid on time but i was not expected to pass my exams well. I would be accused of sleeping with teachers to be given good grades. Allegations NM never ever confronted the teachers with but in the house i would be beaten until i faint. I was not meant to pass highly like her golden son. It became predictable to me eventually, when she bought me a new dress for example and kept insisting i put it on, i knew a severe beating was being planned. They loved beating me and tearing off clothes from me. " i bought for you this dress i can tear it up anyway i like " my NM would say. Her facial expression showed she derived a lot of satisfaction from this. There were times i would be denied food , water, beddings, clothes, oh yes. I would work like a slave then sleep hungry. I am just trying to learn about money. I have been over generous when i have especially to my dysfunctional family but that did not stop them from labelling me a failure when i have none. Finally any good thing i did for them, the money is mine but the credit was often given to their favourite children. Its time i start thinking of me. At 48, no career, no family, just surviving, yes thats what narcissistic abuse can do to someone. I look forward to join the class. I will email you. Thanks Mary.
This is so helpful Mary, thank you. I'd never put money in the whole family context before and the crossover with coercion - these are enormous and unhealthy things for a child to absorb as a blueprint. My 'a-ha!' moment: I'm seeing a toxic sandwich with money as the filler, being dangled or withheld according to desire of the controller. Money has slipped away out of the sandwich, there is only empty bread, and a bewildered abuser who now has to find something else to fill the sandwich with. This feels like something has really dropped for me - and Money seems happy to be its neutral self. Lots more unfolding to come no doubt, Im grateful to you. Many thanks Mary.
Can't help thinking of Britney Spears as I watch this 😐Must be awful to have a lot of issues around money, ..sending love to anyone who does. It will get better 💜
Britney Spears is very much the scapegoat child, it's obvious to anyone who's experienced it. They hated seeing her succeed where they couldn't, so they found a way to control her.
At age 21-27 my mum made me give my wages to my brother. Initially I said no and the abuse increased to an unbearable level so I gave in. I didn’t have a choice. She also left the house to him when she passed. My brother abused worsened after she died always bringing up it’s his home. Demanding more money from me. I did get out eventually (I could’ve much sooner if they didn’t take my money) but I’ve never recovered because after that I became sick from all the stress and haven’t been able to work. Money is such a big trigger for me. 😢
Hope you’re ok, Mary. Miss seeing you but it’s great that all your videos are here to go over. Take good care and thanks for the great coverage and analysis of this issue. ❤️🍀
Thanks so much! yes I'm very okay. would love to get more YT videos out. I love YT! This week I'm a speaker at the Dysfunctional Family Detox online retreat. will try to upload more content here as soon as I can. thank you again 🥰
I live with the golden child right now. I got into it with my narc parents and the golden child told me to get out. I just gave her half the rent 3 days prior. These people are crazy. I was like I’m not going anywhere. Then she came apologizing because she knows if I leave she will be responsible for paying all her bills, food, and toiletries. I’m bouncing soon.
Dear little Fawn, bounce as soon as yo possibly can. Go far away. Cut them off entirely and never never look back. Change your name if necessary. You can have a good life free of this abuse if you will go no contact. I have been there, well older than you. It does not get better with time. Love for you from me. I know your pain. Love for you ♥️♥️
When you leave , leave quietly. Don’t let her know when you are leaving. Toxic family will try to sabotage your plans. Don’t even let your family’s “friends” know where you are.
You are spot on. When I was in contact and discussed that I wanted to found an organisation for a specific cause with my mostly squandered by my father inheritance, my mother went I to a rage and said your younger brother will give you a monthly allowance omg 😂 I am letting go of it. They still think I want it and I really want them to know I don’t care but then I’ll be breaking no contact lol
Wow.... does data on this exist? I would not have dreamed of this angle, but it captures me to a tee. I hate money... bills freak me out and I never understood why. So it's another part of my upbringing is it? Gee mom.... thanks!
I feel traumatised. No contact 4 years and then a call from older sibling to tell me younger sibling (married to a bullying and controlling monster, he coerced her) has taken all narc mothers money over 10 years, never paid it back and benefitted from the profits. 6 figure sum. I had no idea. Dragged me into a family meeting with us all yesterday. Older sibling forgiving of younger sibling and angry with me for trying to make her understand how serious this was. Then they wanted me to sign a power of attorney. I refused as not wise to let younger sibling have access to mothers finances given the history. Somehow it ended up all 3 of them turning against me and I’m the bad person. I’m shocked. I’m traumatised. I just can’t understand
Please know that fear of money is widespread. This was important for me as I tackled this. Certainly, the issues are amplified by having been abused, but accepting that, in fact, most adults are woefully uneducated and avoidant of this topic reduced my anxiety and shame enough to allow me to step up for myself. That, in turn, has boosted my confidence and cancelled out the noise in the head. There are lots of resources to start teaching yourself. No need to subject yourself to humiliation with a professional at the beginning. I recommend non-profit resources (because -- sorry -- banking and investment professionals talk a good game, but know that they are advocating in THEIR, not your, interests). Do get help and advice, but take your time and don't be pressured into any decisions.
Until I was 57 years old, my mom watched every penny I spent, and would shame me about spending it on anything other than bills. One night I went out to buy TP, and it occurred to me that I was feeling guilty. FOR BUYING TP! That's when I realized that I didn't have a healthy outlook with money. I've never had enough of it, because I was only able to work part time jobs, She would shame me about always being broke, acting like it was because Iwas bad at managing it. At one time, part of the reason I was broke was I got $800 a month and she charged me $500 a month + 200 utilities. (And to this day she loves telling people they bought that house for me) I hate money. I have enough now, but I don't crave having more of it. It's necessary to survive, but I hate talking about it or asking people to pay back loans. They usually don't pay it back anyway, so even if I can, I don't lend anymore.
Mary this has got to be on of your most fabulous, helpful, insightful video. Thank you. I listened in my car going home from work and Wow, just Wow. Lots of light bulb and leading to potential understanding and healing moments.👍
after years of being on my own, I came to help out my parents and ended up going broke cause I lost my confidence, Being an immigrant I got sucked into religious gaslighting that brought me down to the point of not caring for myself and not taking care of myself, My health went down because if all the stresses in my life, I feel worthless being told I was a sinner and worthless unless I accept Jesus in my life. It's sad that all that matters in this world is money, I am well-educated but got sidetracked by some nonsense new age creepy stuff that made my life miserable. My Mother is like that that I should keep family secret, I am so confused now at this age, I don't even know who I am anymore, Been to pieces, I hate money now cause I was bad at it, I pursued a career and focused on learning, I feel like crap now, I really don't want to live anymore in this superficial society, I was always pleasing others in my life and I feel like I am worthless. I focused on growth, I hate myself now
For decades I was told when you’re ready to buy a car I’ll help. Future faked promises for twenty years. Day comes to buy the car, he asks me when I’m paying him back. Only child survivor here. I removed myself from the family system that breeds hatred, jealousy, and mistrust. What kind of person offers money (help) in one hand and asks for it back in the other?
I was not allowed to work as a teenager, my first job was at 24 and I earned 400 euros, lol. But it was a great job at least. In the same time, my parents would put me down for not having a job. While I was working, they tried to make me give them money for expenses or to pay their credit card bills. I did give them money. Why couldn't I see it back then that I was financially abused? To support two healthy, adult people who were able to support themselves from a small salary is ridiculous. Now I have to lie to them about the type of work I do and how much I earn. I'm preparing for NC because having to lie all the time to survive is exhausting.
My parents held money in very high regard. If you had money, you were an amazing person! That person could be a horrible monster but they were perfect because they had money! My parents constantly told us that they ‘treated us all equally’ it was a frequent comment. This ‘equal’ was only around money though, not behaviour. My parents would give thousands to us but then it felt like they had something over us! The money came with conditions! I actually considered cashing in my pension to become debt free from my parents! I now hate talking about money and it becomes an issue for my partner, who grew up poor. I ignore money issues and I absolutely fear dealing with money! All I focus on is getting through pay cheque to pay cheque! Something has to change for me!!! Geez this scapegoat role messes me up in so many different ways!!! I’m 51 and I can’t even deal with money!!!! Where do I start?
I can relate. I’m 47. It’s like being a puppet on a string. I’m considering cashing out 401K. I fear even when parents die I’ll still be on some controlled family payroll. Even my own brother has been placed over my own children’s trusts. Golden child of the narcissistic parents. I’m the scapegoat. This misogynistic family wants the females dependent on allowances.
Wow it’s made me realise this has been and still is an irrational fear that I have. I was never financially supported as a teen and beyond so always worked hard and became economically competent and independent although very tiring when doing 2 jobs as well as a levels. When I was in my mid 20s I was made redundant, and felt very insecure as I’d moved to a town for the job and had no support network. I needed words of council and reassurance, and yet, when I made my annual visit home I lived in huge fear that they would find out about my redundancy so felt very cagey - it’s totally right you are expected to be perfect at all times, and then they can Bragg about you to the neighbours... Nowadays, after a A financially coercive relationship with my husband I’m on my own and reasonably secure but yet I still have huge fear of looking at my bank account and figuring out my financial strategies yet I have great competency- I’ve never in my life been in debt! Thanks for your great content 😀
I've been reframing money and seeing it as a tool I can use to make my life better as well as the world by giving to charity and buying products from companies whose values and ethics line up with mine whom I am proud to be supporting. I think the complications come in part due to the power linked with money and how that power isn't always used for good - but again power is neutral - it's people's actions that make it positive or negative. I've got a long way to go with money but I'm taking baby steps and it gets better all the time. Thanks for you content as always! ❤️❤️❤️
This is so interesting because it’s not just money in the pure sense but also education, taking opportunities, etc. as an eldest immigrant daughter, when my dad needed help when I was in college, he demanded I drop out but not my twin sister because she was the golden child. She also got her tuition paid for & I didn’t, if she wanted to buy a car my dad would help her, etc. whereas if I needed my car jumped a mile from home neither of them would help me. My dad was abusive to my immigrant mom & her plan to escape was to come with me to college & then to commit suicide. She was trapped & my personality is a lot like her, so my dad scapegoated me over almost nothing. When he died my sisters refused to let me have anything sentimental from the estate & kept it all because I’m so scapegoated. It’s been Iike 7 years & they still won’t talk about it & now I have to sue. Any career choice I made that differed from them has made me more of a target. Oppressed is a good word for it
Not taking me to the ER after a bully shoved me down ..I landed on the curb with my face…busted one front tooth in half, busted my nose and crushed my cheekbone…I was taken to the dentist to try making the front tooth look ok with a temporary build on it that I had on till I was 30 and financed the repair myself and had surgery to correct the damage to my face at 32….it happened when I was 8….no record of it ever happening because I wasn’t ever taken to the ER…or seen by a doctor…it was bad enough to knock me out for at least several minutes because the teacher and the students that were behind me in line had to step over my body in order to get around me….I was forced to sit there in pain with my face busted up bleeding everywhere for 3 hours before the school called my mother….I went home that afternoon but was forced to go back the next day where the school made me look like a fool trying to get me to go to another school..,I was a liability for them at that point and the next 5 years of school was hell for me….I have severe social anxiety now and have no ability to maintain friendships or be close to anyone out of self preservation…they use my accident and trauma as a tool to get sympathy from others for having to deal with me being so crazy and that the accident made me this way…no…it was having to tolerate the abuse and assault from even my own family who still refer to me as buckey even though I had my teeth fixed a decade ago…my parents couldn’t afford me but they could afford both my sisters every desire including expensive clothes, braces and cars when I wasn’t even allowed to leave her house ever….I’m the only kid out of 6 that has accomplished anything by my own hard work…yet I’m the biggest loser and not a single person knows I’m college educated and assume I’m lying about it because my family makes me out to be that way…
I wish to give you back as much as you gave me but I will tell you a few things: 1. You are very smart, very brave, a Hero for you and for all the scapegoats out there. 2. You are awesome. The things you endured and the power to survive and then rise above the death of your soul... OMG! 3. The legacy of your teachings is huge. 4. You help a lot. 5. You are so on point with every word you say. OMG! I am binging your videos and I am amased. Thousand thanks! 🤗
My financial abuse was exacerbated by the fact that the USA destroyed the economy of my country in the 90s. While my parents are definitely responsible for the way they dealt with that stress, I would have had it much easier if it wasn't for the US aggressive intervention into our government, industries and internal affairs. Child abuse has many factors impacting it, and it doesn't help to know that children in the US had it much easier during 1990s even if they were scapegoats, merely because their family had more resources to redistribute, while children in my country paid the price for their relatively well-off childhoods.
I thought this video was going to be about the child who is supposed to financially support the entire extended family. In addition to the family scapegoat, I would like to add the family sacrificial lamb. They seem like the same thing (and can be) but not necessarily.
What an awesome video. Thank you. I have been financially exploited by my abusive parents since 1980. At 64 years of age, I just found out that both my parents were narcissist. Father passed away. This is real. People don’t talk about it because it is shameful 😢
After reading the comments I too have had major issues with money. My father made it clear I'd get what he'd give me and it wasn't going to be much. Paid for my own braces on my teeth (twice + jaw surgery), paid to put myself through college at 46 years old. Here's the clincher, when I told my mother that because of my student loans I was on Medicaid she said she "thinks that's great" while my "chosen" brothers who are both worth tens of millions now took her money away (and, of course, are going to take the family estate too) and put her in a nursing home and she still sides with them! Talk about brainwashed. So, yeah, money has always scared me but I'm getting better about it and I'm free from my toxic family therefore things are looking much better these days.
Perfect topic. My mom wants to save 5$ here, and 10$ there. Meanwhile, she's got a mini-fridge in the garage she hasn't used in 6-months. When I asked if she wanted me to unplug it to help save money, she said, "no". Confusing, much?
I avoided money for such a long time in my life, knowing that whatever financial bliss I'd bring as a kid, they'd never reward me and just suck me dry of all my talent and patience so that they can enjoy more money, they never invested in me as kids, always dressing me ugly so that I won't think I'm pretty and spend money on myself. Insidious people.
Thank you so much for covering this topic. I have found so little information on the effect of narc victims and fear of money. I grew up with a narc father who would use money to control me and believe this is where my fear of money and investing. come from.
I had terrible anxiety around money for most of my life. Even though I had all of my material needs fulfilled and had extra stuff, I was always afraid of money running out. I was also told I couldn't make money and money was very hard to get.
I’m always being told I can’t afford to do anything which I can’t but also that I’m not worth that much…when everyone else gets paid more then what I had been paid etc….or that my civil rights aren’t important but others are….when I’m being targeted by the city over something my exhusband did and what my family say about me and I’m being deprived from being able to provide the basics for me and my family for no other reason other then the inability to get anyone to do the work..,cash in hand! My money isn’t as good as anyone else’s
My estranged Ivorian father called my landline after a year of not speaking to him and asked why I don’t have a cell phone I told him I have to take care your grand daughters you never see. He said for me to get a phone and he would help me pay for it I got the phone for 49.00 and called him back he said that’s “great thank you” then said he send something later and hung up.
Wow, I'm really gobsmacked about this. Thank you, Mary. Funnily enough, I was thinking recently about my parent's attitude towards money and how they used it with me. What made me think about it is because close members of my own family have been really struggling both financially and also with several tragedies. As soon as they mentioned what was happening (as part of an apology for forgetting something) I immediately sent them a rather large amount of money. I'm honestly not saying this to boast, btw, or make myself out to be a saint, but it was simply that I love them unconditionally and I had the money to spare so why wouldn't I help out when I had the means to. It got me thinking of the times when I was without means as a young woman and the parents would very grudgingly let me have small amounts of money - with lots of admonitions and the usual verbal abuse about me being really bad with money - and it was never enough to make much difference, but left me continuing to struggle. As it happens, I turned out to be rather good with money once I had a steady income. What you said about them not showing how to deal with money really struck home because they never helped in that regard but just said I was useless with it. There's a lot to process so I'll probably watch this one again. At least I wasn't crying this time, lol. Cheers. :)
Yes, thank you very much. I'm very active on Instagram and Facebook every day @scapegoatchildrecovery. I love creating videos and really want to do more for YT - it's basically. just a time and resources issue. thank you for asking. i hope to post more videos very soon. 🙂
I heard through the grape vine that the reason my mother doesn't have any money is because she spends it on her grandkids. Except one, my child. Although that is not exactly a straight forward scenario. Money spent must also mean time spent but not on my daughter, unless it serves a purpose - to make me more of the outcast as i don't do family get togethers but my daughter wants to and does. Sad thing is my daughter is disrespectful and hateful towards me and thinks I'm to blame. My mother loves that, but at a convenient moment for her would deny that.
If your daughter is under age get her away from them and go no contact. Try and teach her what is really happening in the family or you will lose her forever. Ask me how I know.
@@jeanineadele thank you for replying, she early 20's and has an intellectual/physical disability which ads a whole other dimension. I kept her away when she was younger, which wasn't too hard because they dictated the terms of the relationship, but i also probably said too much about the family dynamics and i was trauma bonded and she missed having a family and has pretty much chosen my mother at this point in time. Not a great situation but my daughter now too blames me and her father for her disability (no one's fault) and hates us both (we are not a couple anymore). She is very difficult to be around. I have some ideas on how to change the situation. I am here to take those steps forward, to mentally prepare and work on healing and living life away from people who care so little about me and my mental health, thanks again, i appreciate it 🌷
@@bron184 I never knew anything about scapegoat children. I stumbled on a recommended video and couldn't believe what I was hearing. I was 100 percent the scapegoat child. It did get passed on to my children who also treat me the same way. I've lost them. If I had it to do again I would have gone no contact 48 years ago when I turned 18.
When i was about to graduate highschool, i was living with my grandma at the time, she saved up for me since i was born. However it was all for show and to make my mom jealous because when i turned 18 my grandma constantly refused to give me the money she promised, she refused to give me my birth certificate and my social secutiry card (she finally caved and gave it to me). She also demanded i get a job too. Dont know how the f*ck id be able to do that with out my social or an ID 🙄 even though i know my mom is a narc, my grandmother was religious covert narc. Worst of the f*cking worst. BTW When narcs are their 60s they start to messy! Cant hide their secrets cause they no longer care.
This is the same as being alienated as a parent prior to you leaving .. and ramped up in ultra overdrive after you leave .. and your children believe it and look for the slightest of evidence to prove it. Can't win either way. Just got to believe in your position, your values, intentions etc, gotta stay true to that regardless .. very hard but doable .. lots of damage and loss
My whole childhood I was taught that it’a a sin for a woman to have a job outside the home. But then when I was on my own at 17 with no support or skills, my dad ridiculed me for being able to support myself 😂
Thanks Mary. An interesting video with lots to think about. I was wondering if you could make a video about loss of identity that you mentioned? Or perhaps you already have? This is a very interesting topic for me.
I wasn't allowed to work or be on my own. She needed me around for the tax break. Worst thing the Obamas ever did was extend insurance till the age of 26. I myself never used it except for one emergency and I was harrased over it. What was the point of having insurance again? Anyway, I had full time work so technically didn't need their plan. Tax fraud was the next ordeal. She called and played nice because she needed me to go do taxes with her even though I couldn't be claimed as a dependent. Of course you get more money back when you can. Nothing was explained to me and being young I didn't understand what her tax preparer was doing or why they needed my taxes. I didn't hear from her again until the next time she needed something. If I had said anything it would've been some elaborate story against me. The only times she did call was to ask about my money and how I'm paying for things. I never discussed anything with her and as always, she had to put on a polite mask. The more time we spent apart the more I realized how much this woman creeped me out. That was the last time she called to dig into my finances after I told her it's none of her business. Quit asking. On top of psychic and spiritual abuse running rampant in that family, I felt like I was fighting for my right to live. Fighting for my soul. It wasn't a Christian thing either. God and prayer was actually my antidote for their antics. Took me years to understand that I don't think I was meant to be in that family. It's not normal to go to bed scared every night. It's not normal to not be able to make your own decisions as an adult. Everything these people do is meant to destroy you. Like they have to bathe in blood or something to remain this or that. Sticking around does it make worse. Then I have to remind myself not to fall for partners who pull the same crap.
You absolutely nailed the behavior of our narcissist mother and her flying monkeys who were supposed to responsibly liquidate and equally distribute our parents' estate. They have completely screwed it up, trying to keep what they're up to "secret" from the rest of us. Obviously, they've stuck themselves in horrible financial situations by being codependents with our mother.
Thgs that previous members did, or thgs that happen in previous members life get inherited. Doesn't have to be in the same way, but the same theme does comes up in following members life in any form, worse,better,opposite,same for fixing. Sometimes is because they owe thgs to life itself, because they acted in ways is not supposed to, sometimes it has less to do directly with others, but still they should have been a better person & act,live & be better people. Sometimes it might be thought as magical, but the facts of how people lived their lives does intervene on the following of their blood line, because those facts present themselves in the practical kives of the folliwing. Also, those thgs that might appear not to have appear on the next people, is still somethg owed to fixing, is still somethg to be hold accountable for...& guess who has to do it? The next. The problem is even better since it wasnt done by them, but owe long time, so gets worse, like interest accumulate with time. & if all or must in the family what to take care of their family issues is easier because is divided as less chanrge between all or must. But if almost none want to be better people that the rest, the bulk just gets bigger & is there for only one people to take on. In real sick families it happens that, they dont want to be much different(better) that the others; so the bulk keeps growing & only 1 person or so get to work with it & make it better. The scapegoat is the best person; the one who wanted to be better than all, & tey to motivate all others to be better people. But since the gost is really the best quality of human in the family they dont want that one to came out as a better person(because to them the better person is like what is going to redeem them); they pick their redeemer from one that is like them,but the best of the bad. & thats the golden/the redeemer of the family.
To me word family is all that has to do with the Devil, but worse because they cover the real bad & sinister thgs that happen with a word that stands for good family'those whom protect each other', & their actions are hurting & harmful to each other in more or less measure.
He opened a bank account and he take it all even thought I don't yet work he use it to take some dept with my name. He is even ask to take a very big loan by my name. I wana leave soon
My mother hid my dead father’s money from me…she said the “banker” lost it…I found some of it last year actually but what it taught me if that the real currency is my healing and the real value is within! That is something she could never take away from. Good luck to everyone and their healing ❤️🩹
![How do I live with the hurt? [of family rejection & contempt]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/TfssvVeL2_A/mqdefault.jpg)
Don’t expect a dime while the golden child gets everything.
This!
Mine received nothing as I told her was going to happen. It was all future faking. Now everyone is mad because I was right.
Gave us money? Not an issue with me. Got a job at 13 making$6/ week. Father wanted $5 of it. Next 4-6 years, mother took 80% & doubled or tripled it for golden child's horse lessons even when I needed a car to get to my jobs. Had to thumb it, beg for rides. Gave money away all my life. Now 62 and finally learning I come first. Feel so stupid for not learning sooner.
You're not stupid, I went through sth very similar where money that was supposed to be allocated to me went to the golden child. They doubled the amount that I wanted to take to get a car, even though I was to pay it back to them and the whole thing went to the golden child that didn't have to pay it back. I guess it taught me to be independent and not count on them for anything. We're going to heal from this, it's ok that we went through that.. it was all for a good reason. Sending you so much love and healing.
I don't like dealing with money at all after dealing with my parents. If you did what they wanted you got money, but if you held on to yourself you got nothing including any emotional support. I was a very poor and lonely kid by design as a result of me not "buying in". I identified more with Cinderella than anyone else.
Man…. Do I completely understand this. I say all the time that I feel like Cinderella. I am currently so deep Into abuse at the moment. I am 32. And 14 year old me and life has started all over again. But it’s SO MUCH WORSE THIS TIME AROUND. I keep begging and begging my father to listen to me. Spending sometimes hours and day sending super long texts expressing how I feel and how the treatment and even non actions from my parents is detrimentally effecting me and my life. And he’s doesn’t even acknowledge the damn texts… and most of the time…. The control, the grip around my neck and the collar and leash gets MORE INTENSE AND STRONGER. It’s as if everytime in express what it’s doing to me, he continues on doing it but ups the ante up times 100. IM DROWNING AND CHOKING IN THIS PRISON CELL I FEEL LIKE I WAS FORCED INTO AND NOW AM STUCK IN FOR THE PAST FEW YEARS. It’s so fucking cruel. The amount of times I’ve thought to myself killing my self seems like the ONLY escape out of this nightmare. That never seems to end. It’s been a constant thought in my head…. As I suffer so greatly alone by myself. Isolated. While im continually fucking bullied, belittled, controlled, forced, threatened, emotionally mentally energetically spiritually and physically (more so from being a child till adult years, by my mother, and then throughout my life by many people, over the last 6 years by so called friends and ex lovers it’s been out of control the amount of abusers I’ve attracted towards me because I’m an unconditionally loving kind person) and financial abuse. Every damn thing this lady has said is EXACTLY HOW I FEEL. I feel so damn stuck and cannot see a way out. I cannot find help or support out of it. I suffer with autism, I’ve been unable to hold a real normal job. And so am financially dependent on my father. WHICH IS A NIGHTMARE THAT IS LITERALLY KILLING ME AND KILLING NY SOUL. I NEED HELP AND NEED RO BE FREE FROM MY PARENTS BEFORE I DO END UP TAKING MY OWN LIFE. I cannot and will not continue to live “more like survive be abuse THIS IS NOT LIVING” this way any more. Someone help me please.
I feel you on this one!
I am one of those people who is scared to look at my bank balance! I'm forcing myself to get over that and take control. My folks have definitely used money to divide, punish and manipulate.
"Who was allowed to have money in your family?" really struck home with me. There was a lot of financial abuse growing up.
I had no money growing up.
ALL THE ABUSE TYPES ALWAYS GO ON, IN LESS OR MORE MEASURE. They do material abuse, sexual abuse(either direct, or by inhibiting ur sexuality in the proper & healthy ways, or promoting u to use it more than normal & beneficial to u). Emotional, mental, physical abuse.
That was a big thing in my family too. The golden child got regular money and gifts and was encouraged to use them in a healthy manner, like a private school education and a car to use, and more allowance. I was banned from applying to private schools even though I really wanted to go to one, didn't get money for clothes, and was kept financially dependent in a lot of ways even into adulthood. Saving up to buy my own car was a big moment for me, I realized I have a distinct personally from the controllers and it could be reflected in my possessions. And, in fact, when I made my own choice, life would improve, bc I could have a small car suited to my needs that I liked going places with and facilitated going, rather than a huge old used van that made me not want to go anywhere.
It's still hard for me to spend money on myself, and I definitely over spend when stressed. But As she said, it's the little steps.
Good luck to any one reading this. You can do it too! ❤
In my family: only my narc father and his multiple gold-diggers.
@@pelephant2024 sounds familiar
I read the title of this and knew it was meant for me. I have been wondering the last couple years, just why I have such a neurotic distaste for, disinterest in and fear of money. Why am I doomed to be poor when I’m smart talented hard working and excellent at budgeting? I can do anything to serve someone else’s bottom line but nothing to serve my own.
This channel is a gem!
awww thank you for your comment and I'm so glad it's helpful to you. (it's a subject I'm particularly passionate about)
My mom forced me to add a month to my lease because my sister needed to stay somewhere. I was promised that she would pay the rent for that month. She stayed then moved to my parents house. The rent was never paid. I had to figure out how to pay it so my credit wouldn’t be ruined with an eviction. No one cared.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that
I finally went back to college and finished a bachelors degree in my mid 40s. I overcame all of my money trauma when I graduated with a degree in finance. I’m an artist. Actually literally an artist. Then I got a job as a corporate controller at a hedge fund. And I was still literally an artist. Boom.
I chose my major as a result of an incident when I went to get my artwork printed and had questions about their cost accounting system and their bid on printing my work. The print shop said, “honey you’re just an artist. Let me talk to your husband about pricing. “
At that moment I made a solemn vowed to myself that I would do something that would make it so that nobody NOBODY would ever be able to say something like that to me again. And I did. No one in my family came to my graduation or even acknowledged my degree. Although one of my parents did say, “aren’t you lucky,“ when I told them what I had accomplished. They had been saying that about all of my accomplishments for as long as I can remember. I had been working since the age of 11, and on my own since the age of 16. So fuck them.
You’re a badass. 🔥🔥🔥Powerful share. Thanks for sharing.
"No one in my family came to my graduation or even acknowledged my degree" - same with me. Your story is amazing, so empowering and truly inspiring. I'm so happy that there are some non bullsh*t people out there, willing to do the hard work.
Thanks for the share! At age 34 I decided to follow my buried dream to become an artist. I made no proclamations. I just did it. First, acting school then filmmaking, poetry, songwriting, learned guitar, ukulele and piano (sort of!) and took up drawing. I can tell you exactly how much interest my family has had about my new pursuits by telling you how many questions they've collectively asked. Let ... me ... see ? Oh yeah. zero. (And my mother went to art school! )
Yeah fuck them. Scum of the earth. You're a rock star in my book and a friggin' BOSS!
When "luck" had zero to do with it😂
As bullied always by the golden child and after stealing money several times and controling me with lack of money the last thing he did was steal my part of the inheritance
Once I graduated high school I was on my own. I received zero financial support. My mom helped my siblings but NEVER helped me. At the same time I have been extorted for money from my mom and siblings. The fear of saying no was tremendous and if I had no choice because I simply didn’t have it, I was punished. I worked so hard because at one point earning money and career success was the only way I knew how to feel worthy. So having financial success was important to my existence and validation. I matter and I’m good if I’m successful. Now I get that was a selfworth issue. So glad to finally feel free from needing external things for validation and free from that abuse.
Thank you for doing this. In only 2 days these videos have helped me tremendously. You simply get it and that in itself is sooooo validating ❤
My dad was a rich right wing business man. He threatened to send me a bill for being born. Even though I was born to save his ass from the draft for the Vietnam war. I went no contact with him for 17 years, My younger brother stuck around to be "parentified". Dad died. My brother took dad's money and his 4 bedroom house - the place where I suffered the worst traumas of my life. I got nothing. Nada. Brother cremated my father and refused to invite me to the funeral. Brother has so much money now that he doesn't work. and keeps his ashes on the shelf in the house. Brother has so much money now that he doesn't work. He just sits in the 4 Bed room house alone and drinks himself to black out every night. He's 50 years old had 2 MRIs when he was close to organ failure twice. He complains like a victim to my mother "why won't my brother call me?" My mother refuses to acknowledge any of it is real. My mother, covert narc has made my brother her new son-husband. Other women will not go near him. I am the scapegoat. They both live to do this. I mean it is the entire raison d'etre of their entire life. Abusing me.
I am an anti capitalist now BTW
@@TomHuckACAB Hi, it is lovely to read your experience here as it is similar to mine so I feel a bit of connection. I am 60 and I used to be anti capitalist but now I think differently.
1. Money is neutral-it does what it says on the tin and that is it is a neutral token of promise which is accepted in exchange. That is all.
2. Capitalism is natural. The free market is when people buy what they want when they want in the quantities they want from whom they want to buy from. Nature and the free market go together. If someone calls it capitalism, well, they obviously have a bad feeling about money.
3. God knows everything and He keeps His promises. Read the Gospel. Start with Saint Mark, then Saint Luke, then Saint Matthew then Saint John.
4. Have nothing to do with bad ways or people who lead people into bad ways. God sees everything.
5. Pray for your family-your father's eternal soul to be forgiven by Almighty God for sin. For your own soul and for mine too.
6. Pray for God's guidance in your life.
I hope this is helpful for yu, sir.
God bless you.
Amen
Elizabeth 🙂in UK
They sound similar to my mother and brother duo😮 the term son husband made me laugh a little from within and am equally angry about how these people function. Exactly what my mother is doing with my brother. Simply living off of dad's money. And i am like a poor child of rich parents. I even struggle for a one time meal. It's shocking how these people get away with the stuff that they do
Wow....money it seems was their 'undoing'..
And hopefully you are better off..
It's tough though as they are 'family'...
I wish at times I was an orphan, so I could imagine a 'loving family' that I had lost...
@@earthrooster1969 same here sis atleast we didn't have to mourn the loss of what could have been out life with good parents.its like our burden is double.we are like orphans plus baggage
My mother hid a gift my father left to his children when he passed in the60s. I never knew about it till she was on her death bed and I still didn't know where it was from. People back then kept every piece of paper so thats how I found out. I scrubbed toilets while she lived comfortably on it my whole life. How I ever survived her and her family Ill never know. Betrayal is an understatement. No words.
Your mom sounds like mine. 😢I was in the role of care giver and later got kicked out. I used to struggle for food even. she even stole the cash which was gifted by friends on my marriage. She and my brother stole all my father's earnings property I got nothing. 😢 hugs I feel your pain😢
I get it. I never will forget her hiding pound cake from Richs under her bed. Probably measured it with a tape measure to see how much I cut off. And I did. I was starving. Being adopted by a person like this was so difficult. But I'm choosing to work on myself and process those feelings of anger and shock. If my pantry gets low, I have to go to the store. I ate a cube of bullion after school, if I was lucky. Being so strict is what I'm looking at. It definitely interrupts the flow of life and learning for a child. I never could figure out what I did wrong. But I sure did go through a time to make it a self fulfilling prophecy. The reaction to being dehumanized and devalued as a human being. There are always many different factors involved in every situation. But I will say this. Only God got me through it. If it weren't for Him, I would have drowned. I almost did at 7, but something saved me. I felt it pull me up out to the surface. Some people just don't need to be around children. They're just not safe or are qualified to love them. 😊
Totally, get where you’re coming from. My mother’s relatives were just the most god-awful people. Every last one was a huge train wreck in some way or another.
That's so cruel, so sorry for you.
This video is amazing. I believe that scapegoats are shamed in so many different ways but one of those ways is money. I've known this all my life but to have it articulated the way you have is AMAZING. It is very affirming.
Thank you ☺️ 👍
I know right! So glad this channel made it to my algorithm!
I wasn’t taught anything about the money. Had to live and learn.
Wow!
I see these things in my life, but never had anyone speak to these issues.
I’m homeless, but happier now away from all their lies and bullshit.
I was homeless for a year and now in an apartment, but fear of homelessness is still over my head. You got this!!! ❤
This is my life story. I’ve searched high and low and finally found validation, belief, and empathy.
People tell me “I’d love your money, for a little control, you’re so ungrateful, and I’d rather cry in a Jaguar rather than a Ford.” My name has been used as a tax write off for my father, my name is in companies where I never received K1’s until a few years ago and the accountant is part of the family’s wealth network. I tried to change accountants for myself and my father went ballistic. I’m on family payroll.
Wealthy narcissistic family relationships are all transactional. My father calls himself the bank.
All I ever wanted was him, not his presents, but his presence. 😭
I want to be free! 🦅
I have had the trust fund dangled in front of me my whole life. I just went no contact with them. My dad is 80, but I just can't stand a minute more of abuse. I feel free.
We have the same father/family! I finally made it out and was homeless with my teen son-even going to the bathroom in hole in the ground while my family spent ten thousand bailing my golden child brother out of jail haha
I’m poor as hell and now sucked back tot he sane Town since my son is coming of age and has friends here…but I am completely emancipated now! At the cost of now being constantly afraid of how to pay for food and rent. I could’ve gotten away with enough money to build a life but Narc father made sure to play mind games and take swipes at me so that I couldn’t get away with much. But I’m NEVER going back now and he knows it😂 I’m free!!!
@@KatieBumbysame! And turns out my dad has promised the same piece of property to me and my brother both at different times, to control our behavior. 😂😂e
You can be free. Strike it out on your own. What you are saying sounds pathetic.
It’s about not wanting the child to succeed!
Money was also a 'secret' growing up, we were not taught about its importance because we would then be empowered. The same went for cooking. We were not to ask any questions pertaining to how much the adults made or spent, and anger was directed if asked for money. My father started off early on telling us what he was not going to pay for; our first car, college, a wedding, and I always thought this was a form of tough love to make us self sufficient yet there was no other training about growing up and taking care of ourselves. It was known that once we made it through high school we were out. Looking back I felt that we (the siblings) were stunted in our growth trajectory and kept coming back to the the parents still looking for the missing love and acceptance-and denied. Classic, I now know. This is my first real year of healing, but I decided about twenty years ago that I would keep myself financially healthy enough to never have to go back and hit that wall again. Even now my parents try to belittle my successes, but it no longer sends me into weeks of trying to figure out "why are they doing this" anymore. I am happy with what I have done on my own. In the end I AM self sufficient because of a choice I made for my own well being. My father still tries to dangle the money carrot out there once in awhile, but now I know it is a trap that will only come with a lot of hurtful abuse, and that doesn't make it worth the effort of engagement.
I can relate. Its difficult to understand as a healed adult but growing up money was a big secret and if some money was needed even for basic things I was told we dont have any money.
Well done and you inspire me. 💐
Adultism. A classic sign of a parental narcissist.
I think I know what you have been through, I have had a similar repeating experience throughout my life. It has only occurred to me recently that the biggest crime is that there was no guidance to do things differently or show me how to get results, and the processes involved. in doing it properly instead of just getting it done. No wonder people think I am less than them, I had no idea.....and then there is the shame!!!!! Thee is one sibling that still hoovers me and tries to entice me but I too, know for sure it will end in weeks of tears and me putting myself back together even if the gaslighting is 'unintentional'.
This is a real thing, many times the narcisist in my life has stolen, witheld or tried to manipulate me to extort money from me.
That's the word!!!!! Extortion!!
Refusing to buy my school books aged 8.
I was refused school socks until the teacher called home and asked why I had attended school for nearly 2 weeks without socks. I got taken to buy new socks and shoes that same day.
My mother lied to me and made me give her power of attorney and after that she said that I will not get any money from my father's inheritance. Now she wants to give the entire inheritance to my other
siblings. I've been the kid who's always been there when they needed me when they had problems . My mother is a sciophate and milgnant narcist. She didn't like it if her children were nice to each other. She created arguments and problems between us siblings. And discriminated me.... She would tear my clothes so I couldn't go to work when I was a teenager😞
"money is a great vehicle for us to live in our values." Wow, this really struck me and is with thinking about.
When you can buy your own clothes, own and decorate your own space, have a vehicle that supports and reflects your lifestyle, eat where you want to, or go to events that will help you meet like minded others... you learn and can express who you are. No doubt that's part of why the controller doesn't want to let you have that...
We don't talk near enough about financial abuse and its implications in narcissistic abuse, in part I think because it calls a lot of capitalistic assumptions into question, which the various systems in our lives always seems to want to avoid, as capitalism is the narcissistic father of all the other western systems. Thank you so much for this video!❤
When dad died I was so relieved that the "Hell" was finally over. I had not seen behind the mask yet, but felt relief. I was promised three things when he passed by himself personally. 1. A fake antique gas pump clock that looked like a pump from the 1930.s as I am the only child who loves cars and history. A Rolex like James Bond wore in the 1980s (Stainless steel submariner, no flash.) And a Gun dad kept in the RV for safety. (I was a ten year veteran of the Air Force and marksman's.) My sister who took over in a big way for dad when he died gave the watch to one of her little kids, the gun to another of her little kids, and the pump she said the following: "It is your pump, but mom is going to hold onto it in the basement for you right now." That was almost 15 years ago and I was 40 at the time, married, kids, lived local and still do. Its not the money or value of the items and who cares about that. Its the fact they were purposely handed to little kids and the fake pump to moms basement where it still sits and I have written a lot about it. Wouldn't entertain the thought of touching it with a 50 foot pole, and never will. Thanks
Your sister is exercising power over you. Jealous, possibly? Is she a golden child? Sometimes parents get these dynamics between kids started early on. In my family, I was assigned a role (escapegoat), my brother has his (golden child), and we were made to stop talking to each over over what it was actually the conflicts of the imature adults in the family. They involved us directly. The friendship we had has never recovered. Now he is a raging alcoholic and I am a loner. I can't handle drama and I feel safe on my own with my animals.
It’s poison! You don’t want it!
@@gypsy2007same and it’s a shame because my little brother and I really had fun together. But we were never allowed to have a close relationship. The triangulation started early.
Thank you Mary for addressing this extremely painful and important issue. Hearing the abuse described in such accurate detail was incredibly healing and validating for me. I appreciate your wonderful suggestions for journaling, and I hope you do more videos on this topic. Very few people understand the level of damage narcissistic parents do to their children around money and receiving prosperity in all forms.
Bless you for your profound insight on this matter Dr. Toolan. Financial abuse is a form of physical abuse that leaves devastating visceral scars in a person's psyche. Very grateful to you for shining light on this topic with your soothing voice and calm healing manner
❤❤❤
Invisible, insidious, and high long term impact 😢. Thank you for drawing more attention to this topic, very much needed 😊
I have a mother who keeps changing her Will. She's done this all her life and continues to do so at 97. Depending on who she likes this week. No one knows how it's been changed, she just makes an announcement" I've changed my Will.
I might say as soon as she's gone I'll be disclosing everything.
Did you know anybody can post an obit? In the newspaper, even if you are not related. You can also do the funeral they deserve. We did that a few times in our family. Heckling at a funeral. A brand new tradition.
@@annbell8748 I don't think they'd publish the obit I'd write!
This is a good video because I am a family scapegoat and I am so terrified it’s just unreal.
Similar story here. Sacriligious, unholy and dishonest usurption of my inheritance - they:d rather see it all ruin than grant me any convenience or power in thie life. Bleak, shameful and unholy hate towards the only child that actually cared for them and father... Demonic shit, i cannot help thinking that it is too much, too incomprehensible, too evil and pointless
Zero accountability is ridiculous. I see little interest in truly protecting children. Children have no power (money or influence) so they are ignored & thrown under the bus. My mother, professional abuser, & my brother (her henchman) conspired to steal my inheritance for themselves. That was the last straw with my brother. I had already entirely cut my mother off. I will never see or speak to my brother again.
For every coin used on me, i repaid it via severe physical beatings, false allegations, emotional abuse, being over worked with house chores etc.
Nothing was given to me for free.
Also school fees was all paid on time but i was not expected to pass my exams well. I would be accused of sleeping with teachers to be given good grades. Allegations NM never ever confronted the teachers with but in the house i would be beaten until i faint. I was not meant to pass highly like her golden son.
It became predictable to me eventually, when she bought me a new dress for example and kept insisting i put it on, i knew a severe beating was being planned.
They loved beating me and tearing off clothes from me. " i bought for you this dress i can tear it up anyway i like " my NM would say.
Her facial expression showed she derived a lot of satisfaction from this.
There were times i would be denied food , water, beddings, clothes, oh yes. I would work like a slave then sleep hungry.
I am just trying to learn about money. I have been over generous when i have especially to my dysfunctional family but that did not stop them from labelling me a failure when i have none.
Finally any good thing i did for them, the money is mine but the credit was often given to their favourite children.
Its time i start thinking of me.
At 48, no career, no family, just surviving, yes thats what narcissistic abuse can do to someone.
I look forward to join the class. I will email you. Thanks Mary.
I was denied food when at the age of 19 I didn't want to give my mother all of my full-time job salary. She wasn't satisfied with just half of it.
This is so helpful Mary, thank you. I'd never put money in the whole family context before and the crossover with coercion - these are enormous and unhealthy things for a child to absorb as a blueprint. My 'a-ha!' moment: I'm seeing a toxic sandwich with money as the filler, being dangled or withheld according to desire of the controller. Money has slipped away out of the sandwich, there is only empty bread, and a bewildered abuser who now has to find something else to fill the sandwich with. This feels like something has really dropped for me - and Money seems happy to be its neutral self. Lots more unfolding to come no doubt, Im grateful to you. Many thanks Mary.
Can't help thinking of Britney Spears as I watch this 😐Must be awful to have a lot of issues around money, ..sending love to anyone who does. It will get better 💜
Britney Spears is very much the scapegoat child, it's obvious to anyone who's experienced it. They hated seeing her succeed where they couldn't, so they found a way to control her.
Personal music taste aside, I feel for her
She truly is a manifestation of what is going on collectively in the universal psyche of this generation!
At age 21-27 my mum made me give my wages to my brother. Initially I said no and the abuse increased to an unbearable level so I gave in. I didn’t have a choice. She also left the house to him when she passed. My brother abused worsened after she died always bringing up it’s his home. Demanding more money from me. I did get out eventually (I could’ve much sooner if they didn’t take my money) but I’ve never recovered because after that I became sick from all the stress and haven’t been able to work. Money is such a big trigger for me. 😢
Before that I’d get no money from my mum, even for school dinners and mostly went hungry
Hope you’re ok, Mary. Miss seeing you but it’s great that all your videos are here to go over. Take good care and thanks for the great coverage and analysis of this issue. ❤️🍀
Thanks so much! yes I'm very okay. would love to get more YT videos out. I love YT! This week I'm a speaker at the Dysfunctional Family Detox online retreat. will try to upload more content here as soon as I can. thank you again 🥰
I live with the golden child right now. I got into it with my narc parents and the golden child told me to get out. I just gave her half the rent 3 days prior. These people are crazy. I was like I’m not going anywhere. Then she came apologizing because she knows if I leave she will be responsible for paying all her bills, food, and toiletries. I’m bouncing soon.
Dear little Fawn, bounce as soon as yo possibly can. Go far away. Cut them off entirely and never never look back. Change your name if necessary. You can have a good life free of this abuse if you will go no contact. I have been there, well older than you. It does not get better with time. Love for you from me. I know your pain. Love for you ♥️♥️
When you leave , leave quietly. Don’t let her know when you are leaving. Toxic family will try to sabotage your plans. Don’t even let your family’s “friends” know where you are.
You are spot on. When I was in contact and discussed that I wanted to found an organisation for a specific cause with my mostly squandered by my father inheritance, my mother went I to a rage and said your younger brother will give you a monthly allowance omg 😂 I am letting go of it. They still think I want it and I really want them to know I don’t care but then I’ll be breaking no contact lol
When they finally get tired of waiting for you to come back around to ask about it they will contact you. Just watch! 😂
Thank you 😊. Spot on.
Oh my - finally a video on this topic! I know this scenario all too well. Thank you 🙏
In college I had to share my car with my sister. I paid the note and she would just take my car when ever and not help with gas.
Wow.... does data on this exist? I would not have dreamed of this angle, but it captures me to a tee. I hate money... bills freak me out and I never understood why. So it's another part of my upbringing is it?
Gee mom.... thanks!
I feel traumatised. No contact 4 years and then a call from older sibling to tell me younger sibling (married to a bullying and controlling monster, he coerced her) has taken all narc mothers money over 10 years, never paid it back and benefitted from the profits. 6 figure sum. I had no idea. Dragged me into a family meeting with us all yesterday. Older sibling forgiving of younger sibling and angry with me for trying to make her understand how serious this was. Then they wanted me to sign a power of attorney. I refused as not wise to let younger sibling have access to mothers finances given the history. Somehow it ended up all 3 of them turning against me and I’m the bad person. I’m shocked. I’m traumatised. I just can’t understand
Please know that fear of money is widespread. This was important for me as I tackled this. Certainly, the issues are amplified by having been abused, but accepting that, in fact, most adults are woefully uneducated and avoidant of this topic reduced my anxiety and shame enough to allow me to step up for myself. That, in turn, has boosted my confidence and cancelled out the noise in the head.
There are lots of resources to start teaching yourself. No need to subject yourself to humiliation with a professional at the beginning. I recommend non-profit resources (because -- sorry -- banking and investment professionals talk a good game, but know that they are advocating in THEIR, not your, interests). Do get help and advice, but take your time and don't be pressured into any decisions.
I agree that money literacy in general is very important
I thank you for touching on this subject. This just scratched the surface for me as this is a serious issue for me.
Until I was 57 years old, my mom watched every penny I spent, and would shame me about spending it on anything other than bills. One night I went out to buy TP, and it occurred to me that I was feeling guilty. FOR BUYING TP! That's when I realized that I didn't have a healthy outlook with money. I've never had enough of it, because I was only able to work part time jobs, She would shame me about always being broke, acting like it was because Iwas bad at managing it. At one time, part of the reason I was broke was I got $800 a month and she charged me $500 a month + 200 utilities. (And to this day she loves telling people they bought that house for me) I hate money. I have enough now, but I don't crave having more of it. It's necessary to survive, but I hate talking about it or asking people to pay back loans. They usually don't pay it back anyway, so even if I can, I don't lend anymore.
Mary this has got to be on of your most fabulous, helpful, insightful video. Thank you. I listened in my car going home from work and Wow, just Wow. Lots of light bulb and leading to potential understanding and healing moments.👍
Thank you Ann Marie 🥰
@@scapegoatchildrecovery 🌹🏵️👍
after years of being on my own, I came to help out my parents and ended up going broke cause I lost my confidence, Being an immigrant I got sucked into religious gaslighting that brought me down to the point of not caring for myself and not taking care of myself, My health went down because if all the stresses in my life, I feel worthless being told I was a sinner and worthless unless I accept Jesus in my life. It's sad that all that matters in this world is money, I am well-educated but got sidetracked by some nonsense new age creepy stuff that made my life miserable. My Mother is like that that I should keep family secret, I am so confused now at this age, I don't even know who I am anymore, Been to pieces, I hate money now cause I was bad at it, I pursued a career and focused on learning, I feel like crap now, I really don't want to live anymore in this superficial society, I was always pleasing others in my life and I feel like I am worthless. I focused on growth, I hate myself now
For decades I was told when you’re ready to buy a car I’ll help. Future faked promises for twenty years. Day comes to buy the car, he asks me when I’m paying him back. Only child survivor here. I removed myself from the family system that breeds hatred, jealousy, and mistrust. What kind of person offers money (help) in one hand and asks for it back in the other?
I was not allowed to work as a teenager, my first job was at 24 and I earned 400 euros, lol. But it was a great job at least. In the same time, my parents would put me down for not having a job. While I was working, they tried to make me give them money for expenses or to pay their credit card bills. I did give them money. Why couldn't I see it back then that I was financially abused? To support two healthy, adult people who were able to support themselves from a small salary is ridiculous. Now I have to lie to them about the type of work I do and how much I earn. I'm preparing for NC because having to lie all the time to survive is exhausting.
My parents held money in very high regard. If you had money, you were an amazing person! That person could be a horrible monster but they were perfect because they had money! My parents constantly told us that they ‘treated us all equally’ it was a frequent comment. This ‘equal’ was only around money though, not behaviour. My parents would give thousands to us but then it felt like they had something over us! The money came with conditions! I actually considered cashing in my pension to become debt free from my parents! I now hate talking about money and it becomes an issue for my partner, who grew up poor. I ignore money issues and I absolutely fear dealing with money! All I focus on is getting through pay cheque to pay cheque! Something has to change for me!!! Geez this scapegoat role messes me up in so many different ways!!! I’m 51 and I can’t even deal with money!!!! Where do I start?
I can relate. I’m 47. It’s like being a puppet on a string. I’m considering cashing out 401K. I fear even when parents die I’ll still be on some controlled family payroll. Even my own brother has been placed over my own children’s trusts. Golden child of the narcissistic parents. I’m the scapegoat. This misogynistic family wants the females dependent on allowances.
Wow it’s made me realise this has been and still is an irrational fear that I have. I was never financially supported as a teen and beyond so always worked hard and became economically competent and independent although very tiring when doing 2 jobs as well as a levels. When I was in my mid 20s I was made redundant, and felt very insecure as I’d moved to a town for the job and had no support network. I needed words of council and reassurance, and yet, when I made my annual visit home I lived in huge fear that they would find out about my redundancy so felt very cagey - it’s totally right you are expected to be perfect at all times, and then they can Bragg about you to the neighbours...
Nowadays, after a A financially coercive relationship with my husband I’m on my own and reasonably secure but yet I still have huge fear of looking at my bank account and figuring out my financial strategies yet I have great competency- I’ve never in my life been in debt! Thanks for your great content 😀
I avoid shopping for groceries because of the basic anxiety about money that it triggers lol
I've been reframing money and seeing it as a tool I can use to make my life better as well as the world by giving to charity and buying products from companies whose values and ethics line up with mine whom I am proud to be supporting. I think the complications come in part due to the power linked with money and how that power isn't always used for good - but again power is neutral - it's people's actions that make it positive or negative. I've got a long way to go with money but I'm taking baby steps and it gets better all the time. Thanks for you content as always! ❤️❤️❤️
Hello dear 🖐
How are you doing ?😊
This is so interesting because it’s not just money in the pure sense but also education, taking opportunities, etc. as an eldest immigrant daughter, when my dad needed help when I was in college, he demanded I drop out but not my twin sister because she was the golden child. She also got her tuition paid for & I didn’t, if she wanted to buy a car my dad would help her, etc. whereas if I needed my car jumped a mile from home neither of them would help me. My dad was abusive to my immigrant mom & her plan to escape was to come with me to college & then to commit suicide. She was trapped & my personality is a lot like her, so my dad scapegoated me over almost nothing. When he died my sisters refused to let me have anything sentimental from the estate & kept it all because I’m so scapegoated. It’s been Iike 7 years & they still won’t talk about it & now I have to sue. Any career choice I made that differed from them has made me more of a target. Oppressed is a good word for it
Thank you,this is so important to talk about.I have always had high anxiety around money and personal power
❤love your content.. it’s like listening to a gentle and understanding virtual hug ☺️
Aww thank you!
Not taking me to the ER after a bully shoved me down ..I landed on the curb with my face…busted one front tooth in half, busted my nose and crushed my cheekbone…I was taken to the dentist to try making the front tooth look ok with a temporary build on it that I had on till I was 30 and financed the repair myself and had surgery to correct the damage to my face at 32….it happened when I was 8….no record of it ever happening because I wasn’t ever taken to the ER…or seen by a doctor…it was bad enough to knock me out for at least several minutes because the teacher and the students that were behind me in line had to step over my body in order to get around me….I was forced to sit there in pain with my face busted up bleeding everywhere for 3 hours before the school called my mother….I went home that afternoon but was forced to go back the next day where the school made me look like a fool trying to get me to go to another school..,I was a liability for them at that point and the next 5 years of school was hell for me….I have severe social anxiety now and have no ability to maintain friendships or be close to anyone out of self preservation…they use my accident and trauma as a tool to get sympathy from others for having to deal with me being so crazy and that the accident made me this way…no…it was having to tolerate the abuse and assault from even my own family who still refer to me as buckey even though I had my teeth fixed a decade ago…my parents couldn’t afford me but they could afford both my sisters every desire including expensive clothes, braces and cars when I wasn’t even allowed to leave her house ever….I’m the only kid out of 6 that has accomplished anything by my own hard work…yet I’m the biggest loser and not a single person knows I’m college educated and assume I’m lying about it because my family makes me out to be that way…
I wish to give you back as much as you gave me but I will tell you a few things:
1. You are very smart, very brave, a Hero for you and for all the scapegoats out there.
2. You are awesome. The things you endured and the power to survive and then rise above the death of your soul... OMG!
3. The legacy of your teachings is huge.
4. You help a lot.
5. You are so on point with every word you say. OMG!
I am binging your videos and I am amased.
Thousand thanks! 🤗
WOW! Huge Eye-opener!!! Massive Gratitude, Thank you Huge!
I’m a scapegoat. Naturally looking at homelessness. It all just sucks
My financial abuse was exacerbated by the fact that the USA destroyed the economy of my country in the 90s. While my parents are definitely responsible for the way they dealt with that stress, I would have had it much easier if it wasn't for the US aggressive intervention into our government, industries and internal affairs. Child abuse has many factors impacting it, and it doesn't help to know that children in the US had it much easier during 1990s even if they were scapegoats, merely because their family had more resources to redistribute, while children in my country paid the price for their relatively well-off childhoods.
I thought this video was going to be about the child who is supposed to financially support the entire extended family. In addition to the family scapegoat, I would like to add the family sacrificial lamb. They seem like the same thing (and can be) but not necessarily.
What an awesome video. Thank you. I have been financially exploited by my abusive parents since 1980. At 64 years of age, I just found out that both my parents were narcissist. Father passed away. This is real. People don’t talk about it because it is shameful 😢
After reading the comments I too have had major issues with money. My father made it clear I'd get what he'd give me and it wasn't going to be much. Paid for my own braces on my teeth (twice + jaw surgery), paid to put myself through college at 46 years old. Here's the clincher, when I told my mother that because of my student loans I was on Medicaid she said she "thinks that's great" while my "chosen" brothers who are both worth tens of millions now took her money away (and, of course, are going to take the family estate too) and put her in a nursing home and she still sides with them! Talk about brainwashed. So, yeah, money has always scared me but I'm getting better about it and I'm free from my toxic family therefore things are looking much better these days.
Great video Mary, I never liked discussing money, but i'm getting there. thank you, much appreciated.
Perfect topic. My mom wants to save 5$ here, and 10$ there. Meanwhile, she's got a mini-fridge in the garage she hasn't used in 6-months. When I asked if she wanted me to unplug it to help save money, she said, "no". Confusing, much?
It amazes me when there are people like yourself breaking the cycle and talking about it as a resource for others.
I avoided money for such a long time in my life, knowing that whatever financial bliss I'd bring as a kid, they'd never reward me and just suck me dry of all my talent and patience so that they can enjoy more money, they never invested in me as kids, always dressing me ugly so that I won't think I'm pretty and spend money on myself. Insidious people.
Thank you so much for covering this topic. I have found so little information on the effect of narc victims and fear of money. I grew up with a narc father who would use money to control me and believe this is where my fear of money and investing. come from.
I had terrible anxiety around money for most of my life. Even though I had all of my material needs fulfilled and had extra stuff, I was always afraid of money running out. I was also told I couldn't make money and money was very hard to get.
I’m always being told I can’t afford to do anything which I can’t but also that I’m not worth that much…when everyone else gets paid more then what I had been paid etc….or that my civil rights aren’t important but others are….when I’m being targeted by the city over something my exhusband did and what my family say about me and I’m being deprived from being able to provide the basics for me and my family for no other reason other then the inability to get anyone to do the work..,cash in hand! My money isn’t as good as anyone else’s
My estranged Ivorian father called my landline after a year of not speaking to him and asked why I don’t have a cell phone I told him I have to take care your grand daughters you never see. He said for me to get a phone and he would help me pay for it I got the phone for 49.00 and called him back he said that’s “great thank you” then said he send something later and hung up.
My narcissistic mother and her boyfriend received the lifetime of benefits.
Wow, I'm really gobsmacked about this. Thank you, Mary. Funnily enough, I was thinking recently about my parent's attitude towards money and how they used it with me. What made me think about it is because close members of my own family have been really struggling both financially and also with several tragedies. As soon as they mentioned what was happening (as part of an apology for forgetting something) I immediately sent them a rather large amount of money. I'm honestly not saying this to boast, btw, or make myself out to be a saint, but it was simply that I love them unconditionally and I had the money to spare so why wouldn't I help out when I had the means to. It got me thinking of the times when I was without means as a young woman and the parents would very grudgingly let me have small amounts of money - with lots of admonitions and the usual verbal abuse about me being really bad with money - and it was never enough to make much difference, but left me continuing to struggle. As it happens, I turned out to be rather good with money once I had a steady income. What you said about them not showing how to deal with money really struck home because they never helped in that regard but just said I was useless with it. There's a lot to process so I'll probably watch this one again. At least I wasn't crying this time, lol. Cheers. :)
♥️♥️♥️
Thanks.
This video is amazing🙏🏻🔥 thank you!!
Thank you so much for this. I loved the actionable steps. I do appreciate this.
U r a beautiful being full of light and love. TY! Life-changing! Higher power helping me through you
That is nearly one of the first times I have listened to that line of insight. It's like a mental focusing.
we haven't heard from you in a while? are you ok? Great videos!🙏
Yes, thank you very much. I'm very active on Instagram and Facebook every day @scapegoatchildrecovery. I love creating videos and really want to do more for YT - it's basically. just a time and resources issue. thank you for asking. i hope to post more videos very soon. 🙂
I heard through the grape vine that the reason my mother doesn't have any money is because she spends it on her grandkids. Except one, my child. Although that is not exactly a straight forward scenario. Money spent must also mean time spent but not on my daughter, unless it serves a purpose - to make me more of the outcast as i don't do family get togethers but my daughter wants to and does. Sad thing is my daughter is disrespectful and hateful towards me and thinks I'm to blame. My mother loves that, but at a convenient moment for her would deny that.
If your daughter is under age get her away from them and go no contact. Try and teach her what is really happening in the family or you will lose her forever. Ask me how I know.
@@jeanineadele thank you for replying, she early 20's and has an intellectual/physical disability which ads a whole other dimension. I kept her away when she was younger, which wasn't too hard because they dictated the terms of the relationship, but i also probably said too much about the family dynamics and i was trauma bonded and she missed having a family and has pretty much chosen my mother at this point in time. Not a great situation but my daughter now too blames me and her father for her disability (no one's fault) and hates us both (we are not a couple anymore). She is very difficult to be around. I have some ideas on how to change the situation. I am here to take those steps forward, to mentally prepare and work on healing and living life away from people who care so little about me and my mental health, thanks again, i appreciate it 🌷
@@bron184 I never knew anything about scapegoat children. I stumbled on a recommended video and couldn't believe what I was hearing. I was 100 percent the scapegoat child. It did get passed on to my children who also treat me the same way. I've lost them. If I had it to do again I would have gone no contact 48 years ago when I turned 18.
When i was about to graduate highschool, i was living with my grandma at the time, she saved up for me since i was born.
However it was all for show and to make my mom jealous because when i turned 18 my grandma constantly refused to give me the money she promised, she refused to give me my birth certificate and my social secutiry card (she finally caved and gave it to me). She also demanded i get a job too.
Dont know how the f*ck id be able to do that with out my social or an ID 🙄 even though i know my mom is a narc, my grandmother was religious covert narc. Worst of the f*cking worst.
BTW When narcs are their 60s they start to messy! Cant hide their secrets cause they no longer care.
This is the same as being alienated as a parent prior to you leaving .. and ramped up in ultra overdrive after you leave .. and your children believe it and look for the slightest of evidence to prove it. Can't win either way. Just got to believe in your position, your values, intentions etc, gotta stay true to that regardless .. very hard but doable .. lots of damage and loss
Aspect I hadn’t thought of but relates. Thank you.
Wow you know what you're talking about. You are speaking my exact experience growing up
My whole childhood I was taught that it’a a sin for a woman to have a job outside the home. But then when I was on my own at 17 with no support or skills, my dad ridiculed me for being able to support myself 😂
They tried to hoover me back with $10,000. My sanity is worth a lot more than that!
Thanks Mary. An interesting video with lots to think about. I was wondering if you could make a video about loss of identity that you mentioned? Or perhaps you already have? This is a very interesting topic for me.
Good suggestion 👍
I’ll add it to my list
This relates ‼️👍🏼🙌🏽🐞
Spot on.
Thanks Mary
I'm actually Tribbling listening to you
I wasn't allowed to work or be on my own. She needed me around for the tax break. Worst thing the Obamas ever did was extend insurance till the age of 26. I myself never used it except for one emergency and I was harrased over it. What was the point of having insurance again? Anyway, I had full time work so technically didn't need their plan. Tax fraud was the next ordeal. She called and played nice because she needed me to go do taxes with her even though I couldn't be claimed as a dependent. Of course you get more money back when you can. Nothing was explained to me and being young I didn't understand what her tax preparer was doing or why they needed my taxes. I didn't hear from her again until the next time she needed something. If I had said anything it would've been some elaborate story against me. The only times she did call was to ask about my money and how I'm paying for things. I never discussed anything with her and as always, she had to put on a polite mask. The more time we spent apart the more I realized how much this woman creeped me out. That was the last time she called to dig into my finances after I told her it's none of her business. Quit asking. On top of psychic and spiritual abuse running rampant in that family, I felt like I was fighting for my right to live. Fighting for my soul. It wasn't a Christian thing either. God and prayer was actually my antidote for their antics. Took me years to understand that I don't think I was meant to be in that family. It's not normal to go to bed scared every night. It's not normal to not be able to make your own decisions as an adult. Everything these people do is meant to destroy you. Like they have to bathe in blood or something to remain this or that. Sticking around does it make worse. Then I have to remind myself not to fall for partners who pull the same crap.
I don’t know where to go with this problem
My mom made me split my tax refund with my sister for like 3 years while we were in college.
True.
You absolutely nailed the behavior of our narcissist mother and her flying monkeys who were supposed to responsibly liquidate and equally distribute our parents' estate. They have completely screwed it up, trying to keep what they're up to "secret" from the rest of us. Obviously, they've stuck themselves in horrible financial situations by being codependents with our mother.
Thgs that previous members did, or thgs that happen in previous members life get inherited. Doesn't have to be in the same way, but the same theme does comes up in following members life in any form, worse,better,opposite,same for fixing. Sometimes is because they owe thgs to life itself, because they acted in ways is not supposed to, sometimes it has less to do directly with others, but still they should have been a better person & act,live & be better people. Sometimes it might be thought as magical, but the facts of how people lived their lives does intervene on the following of their blood line, because those facts present themselves in the practical kives of the folliwing. Also, those thgs that might appear not to have appear on the next people, is still somethg owed to fixing, is still somethg to be hold accountable for...& guess who has to do it? The next. The problem is even better since it wasnt done by them, but owe long time, so gets worse, like interest accumulate with time. & if all or must in the family what to take care of their family issues is easier because is divided as less chanrge between all or must. But if almost none want to be better people that the rest, the bulk just gets bigger & is there for only one people to take on. In real sick families it happens that, they dont want to be much different(better) that the others; so the bulk keeps growing & only 1 person or so get to work with it & make it better. The scapegoat is the best person; the one who wanted to be better than all, & tey to motivate all others to be better people. But since the gost is really the best quality of human in the family they dont want that one to came out as a better person(because to them the better person is like what is going to redeem them); they pick their redeemer from one that is like them,but the best of the bad. & thats the golden/the redeemer of the family.
To me word family is all that has to do with the Devil, but worse because they cover the real bad & sinister thgs that happen with a word that stands for good family'those whom protect each other', & their actions are hurting & harmful to each other in more or less measure.
He opened a bank account and he take it all even thought I don't yet work he use it to take some dept with my name. He is even ask to take a very big loan by my name.
I wana leave soon
Do you realize more male or female main abusers against the scapegoat ?
I find it to be equal
@@scapegoatchildrecovery ok, interesting you say that
My mother hid my dead father’s money from me…she said the “banker” lost it…I found some of it last year actually but what it taught me if that the real currency is my healing and the real value is within! That is something she could never take away from. Good luck to everyone and their healing ❤️🩹
Never take away from me**