I guess I can consider myself lucky I found out about the dismissive avoidant I started to date early on. He knew he was DA and despite years of therapy he displayed all the signs. Thanks to you and other youtubers I knew how to read the signs and get out. Still hurts but I guess a lot less than being with this person for much longer. Thank you for the good work!
Moving on for my avoidant ex meant dating my friend 3 weeks after I painfully broke up with her because of her avoidant behaviour. I guess she got to tell herself she wasnt the one who needed to change! It was hell on earth but Im at the other side now and better than ever.
We are all a common denominator in our relationships. Accepting ownership is emotional maturity. All relationships are lessons. Sending you the light. 🌞
Please be very very careful when considering medication to help through a break up. For some it can work ok, but for so many there is severe side effects and a shocking and sometimes long protracted withdrawal when trying to come off. I am one of the people that got such a bad nervous system injury from them. And the original issue is a joke compared to the suffering now. Please use all other avenues if you can. ❤
@@bluecoffee8414 yes, started with those for sleep after the death of my Father, the WD was so horrific I was put on a sedating AD that has destroyed my brain.
I like to (you know what I mean) lean into the pain. It truely builds my own tolerance for despair. Each to their own, but don't knock it till you try it. It took me 5 months to stop having random panic attacks and random crying fits. It was baddd.
@@jdprettynails You're very welcome. All the best in your healing journey. I will send these empowering resources. The Hoffman Process by John and Julie Gottman The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer The Body Keeps The Score Brain Mind And The Healing Of Trauma-Bessel Van Der Kolk Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix- Wired For Love by Dr Stan Tatkin Men That Can't Love by Stephen A Carter The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker Safe People by Henry Cloud Boundaries by Henry Cloud I Hear You by Michael Sorenson 8 Dates by John and Julie Gottman defines the blueprint of healthy relationships
At 6:50 I kind of had to chuckle. My DA asked me one day if we could discuss the household chores, which I thought was a proactive and good suggestion. As the day progressed, I could see his face turn sour and angry. When we finally sat down he said he suddenly had an epiphany. I had not cleaned the windows, and that was breaking point to suddenly dump me. He also said that I must have known how terrible the last two months were; I kept telling him I love him, and this was a nightmare to him. I felt like he was stuck in a psychosis, honestly. It was bizarre.
@@SherriFlemming there was no chance to domestically align. It was his idea to move in together. He asked me 8 times before the time felt ripe. He deactivated so hard that within 6 weeks he had massive panic attack and he asked someone else out on a date. I had barely even arranged all my moving boxes, and I already wanted to pack again. I did anticipate him to deactivate but not just how deeply he was going to sabotage. It was horrible. Actually, the moments we took care of chores together like cleaning, groceries and gardening, were the happiest and contributed to a sense of trust. When he broke up with me like that he wasn't himself. He was just grasping at straws.
@@0Demiyah0 Brutal. Thank you for sharing. He seemed intent on common law. You truly find out who someone is when you live under the same roof. How could you know how he was feeling without communicating it? Triangulation and rebounded fairly quick. Rest assured he will behave in a similar fashion. Never doubt patterns. AKA the track record. Couldn't handle the emotional responsibility and commitment. Did he give you an honest past relationship history? I hope you're doing well.
@@SherriFlemming right, he told me about 8 months after he nuked the start of our shared living (and we completed the full rental term of 2 years), that he was just scared that I was going to leave him and reconsider. He got so overwhelmed by that, he subconsciously tested me beyond my limit. But he did not actually go out on a date back then. I went back into therapy because other than resentment and distrust, living together also provoked my old trauma to emerge. I learned to be so emotionally calm and confident myself while navigating these troubles with him. He dated mostly anxious women with some form of narcissism/borderline before me. I could pick that up from his behavior, although he also shared snippets about it. He's quite a people pleasing DA. I did not conform with his expectations of neediness, jealousy, drama, social and emotional control. He also got cheated on. After about 1 year+ of living together things were going actually quite OK. I was in therapy, he was seeking therapy as well. Then his diagnosis was too overwhelming to him. He got stuck in fight/flight, became obsessed about Ukraine war and wanted to join the front lines. He said he didn't feel loved. I made it a point to reassure him more. Thats when he actually dumped me. Saying it was a nightmare to hear me say how I love him, I didn't wash the windows, he never promised loyalty and already had a date planned. I basically think the same wounds resurfaced for him and he just pre-emptively abandoned me to avoid being rejected himself. Every time he has admitted his fault, apologized and tried to make amends. Typically also leading to consistent improvement. But not going to therapy, so I became bored of the stagnation from unresolved wounds. He did not want things to be over, but he couldn't build a future.
@@0Demiyah0 Breaking the cycle is what counts! You matter most of all. ❤️ Health and safety is wealth Yes, We cannot fix heal or change anyone. That's their responsibility. All relationships are lessons. Sending you the light 🌞🙏 .Safe People by Henry Cloud Men That Can't Love by Stephen A Carter The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker Emotional Intimacy by Robert Masters I Hear You by Michael Sorenson 8 Dates by John and Julie Gottman defines the blueprint of healthy relationships Are You The One For Me? by Barbara De Angelis Mating In Captivity by Ester Perel. The Hoffman Process by John and Julie Gottman The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer The Body Keeps The Score Brain Mind And The Healing Of Trauma-Bessel Van Der Kolk
Dealt with a DA from Japan. After visiting there (on my own), I can really see how the culture can let it thrive. Just from the broad conflict avoidance, non-intrusive nature of relationships that occur there. A lot of relations seem based around shared groups/activities. And anyone outside that group was trivial. Drove me crazy how everyone rushed around with their phones and never acknowledged the other hundred people in front of them.
Dealt with a DA from Japan. After visiting there (on my own), I can really see how the culture can let it thrive. Just from the broad conflict avoidance, non-intrusive nature of relationships that occur there. A lot of relations seem based around shared groups/activities. And anyone outside that group was trivial. Drove me crazy how everyone rushed around with their phones and never acknowledged the other hundred people in front of them.
Dealt with a DA from Japan. After visiting there (on my own), I can really see how the culture can let it thrive. Just from the broad conflict avoidance, non-intrusive nature of relationships that occur there. A lot of relations seem based around shared groups/activities. And anyone outside that group was trivial. Drove me crazy how everyone rushed around with their phones and never acknowledged the other hundred people in front of them.
Dealt with a DA from Japan. After visiting there (on my own), I can really see how the culture can let it thrive. Just from the broad conflict avoidance, non-intrusive nature of relationships that occur there. A lot of relations seem based around shared groups/activities. And anyone outside that group was trivial. Drove me crazy how everyone rushed around with their phones and never acknowledged the other hundred people in front of them.
Different cultures, attachment style, core values, ideologies ( beliefs) worldview, and lifestyles can create misalignments. Attachment is fluid and fluctuates.
Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix- Wired For Love by Dr Stan Tatkin 8 Dates by John and Julie Gottman defines the blueprint of healthy relationships.
Thanks for this! Well done. Disconnection happens slowly then all at once.
I guess I can consider myself lucky I found out about the dismissive avoidant I started to date early on. He knew he was DA and despite years of therapy he displayed all the signs. Thanks to you and other youtubers I knew how to read the signs and get out. Still hurts but I guess a lot less than being with this person for much longer. Thank you for the good work!
👍 Lucky you got out early on. Thats a saving grace.🙏 Well done!
It's not easy to make behavioral changes.
Sending you the light. 🌞
Moving on for my avoidant ex meant dating my friend 3 weeks after I painfully broke up with her because of her avoidant behaviour. I guess she got to tell herself she wasnt the one who needed to change! It was hell on earth but Im at the other side now and better than ever.
We are all a common denominator in our relationships. Accepting ownership is emotional maturity. All relationships are lessons. Sending you the light. 🌞
Please be very very careful when considering medication to help through a break up. For some it can work ok, but for so many there is severe side effects and a shocking and sometimes long protracted withdrawal when trying to come off. I am one of the people that got such a bad nervous system injury from them. And the original issue is a joke compared to the suffering now. Please use all other avenues if you can. ❤
@@bluecoffee8414 yes, started with those for sleep after the death of my Father, the WD was so horrific I was put on a sedating AD that has destroyed my brain.
I like to (you know what I mean) lean into the pain. It truely builds my own tolerance for despair. Each to their own, but don't knock it till you try it. It took me 5 months to stop having random panic attacks and random crying fits. It was baddd.
Oh god the “I thought this was what married life was supposed to be like”
Me, for 20 years!
Did you leave?
@@SherriFlemming I did…..this year
@@jdprettynails 👍 Well done! You deserve to be happy! What you do is what matters most of all.❤️
Health and safety is wealth 🙏 Sending you the light 🌞
@@SherriFlemming thank you. I’m healing and focusing on myself right now
@@jdprettynails You're very welcome.
All the best in your healing journey.
I will send these empowering resources.
The Hoffman Process by John and Julie Gottman
The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer
The Body Keeps The Score Brain Mind And The Healing Of Trauma-Bessel Van Der Kolk
Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix-
Wired For Love by Dr Stan Tatkin
Men That Can't Love by Stephen A Carter
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker
Safe People by Henry Cloud
Boundaries by Henry Cloud
I Hear You by Michael Sorenson
8 Dates by John and Julie Gottman defines the blueprint of healthy relationships
At 6:50 I kind of had to chuckle. My DA asked me one day if we could discuss the household chores, which I thought was a proactive and good suggestion. As the day progressed, I could see his face turn sour and angry. When we finally sat down he said he suddenly had an epiphany. I had not cleaned the windows, and that was breaking point to suddenly dump me. He also said that I must have known how terrible the last two months were; I kept telling him I love him, and this was a nightmare to him. I felt like he was stuck in a psychosis, honestly. It was bizarre.
It sounds like you weren't domestically aligned. That nit picking
You deserve better! ❤️.
@@SherriFlemming there was no chance to domestically align. It was his idea to move in together. He asked me 8 times before the time felt ripe. He deactivated so hard that within 6 weeks he had massive panic attack and he asked someone else out on a date. I had barely even arranged all my moving boxes, and I already wanted to pack again. I did anticipate him to deactivate but not just how deeply he was going to sabotage. It was horrible. Actually, the moments we took care of chores together like cleaning, groceries and gardening, were the happiest and contributed to a sense of trust. When he broke up with me like that he wasn't himself. He was just grasping at straws.
@@0Demiyah0 Brutal.
Thank you for sharing.
He seemed intent on common law. You truly find out who someone is when you live under the same roof. How could you know how he was feeling without communicating it? Triangulation and rebounded fairly quick. Rest assured he will behave in a similar fashion. Never doubt patterns. AKA the track record. Couldn't handle the emotional responsibility and commitment.
Did he give you an honest past relationship history?
I hope you're doing well.
@@SherriFlemming right, he told me about 8 months after he nuked the start of our shared living (and we completed the full rental term of 2 years), that he was just scared that I was going to leave him and reconsider. He got so overwhelmed by that, he subconsciously tested me beyond my limit. But he did not actually go out on a date back then.
I went back into therapy because other than resentment and distrust, living together also provoked my old trauma to emerge. I learned to be so emotionally calm and confident myself while navigating these troubles with him.
He dated mostly anxious women with some form of narcissism/borderline before me. I could pick that up from his behavior, although he also shared snippets about it. He's quite a people pleasing DA. I did not conform with his expectations of neediness, jealousy, drama, social and emotional control. He also got cheated on.
After about 1 year+ of living together things were going actually quite OK. I was in therapy, he was seeking therapy as well. Then his diagnosis was too overwhelming to him. He got stuck in fight/flight, became obsessed about Ukraine war and wanted to join the front lines. He said he didn't feel loved. I made it a point to reassure him more. Thats when he actually dumped me. Saying it was a nightmare to hear me say how I love him, I didn't wash the windows, he never promised loyalty and already had a date planned. I basically think the same wounds resurfaced for him and he just pre-emptively abandoned me to avoid being rejected himself.
Every time he has admitted his fault, apologized and tried to make amends. Typically also leading to consistent improvement. But not going to therapy, so I became bored of the stagnation from unresolved wounds. He did not want things to be over, but he couldn't build a future.
@@0Demiyah0
Breaking the cycle is what counts! You matter most of all. ❤️
Health and safety is wealth
Yes, We cannot fix heal or change anyone. That's their responsibility.
All relationships are lessons.
Sending you the light 🌞🙏
.Safe People by Henry Cloud
Men That Can't Love by Stephen A Carter
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker
Emotional Intimacy by Robert Masters
I Hear You by Michael Sorenson
8 Dates by John and Julie Gottman defines the blueprint of healthy relationships
Are You The One For Me? by Barbara De Angelis
Mating In Captivity by Ester Perel.
The Hoffman Process by John and Julie Gottman
The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer
The Body Keeps The Score Brain Mind And The Healing Of Trauma-Bessel Van Der Kolk
Where can I post a question?
Thank you ❤
Dealt with a DA from Japan. After visiting there (on my own), I can really see how the culture can let it thrive. Just from the broad conflict avoidance, non-intrusive nature of relationships that occur there. A lot of relations seem based around shared groups/activities. And anyone outside that group was trivial. Drove me crazy how everyone rushed around with their phones and never acknowledged the other hundred people in front of them.
Dealt with a DA from Japan. After visiting there (on my own), I can really see how the culture can let it thrive. Just from the broad conflict avoidance, non-intrusive nature of relationships that occur there. A lot of relations seem based around shared groups/activities. And anyone outside that group was trivial. Drove me crazy how everyone rushed around with their phones and never acknowledged the other hundred people in front of them.
Dealt with a DA from Japan. After visiting there (on my own), I can really see how the culture can let it thrive. Just from the broad conflict avoidance, non-intrusive nature of relationships that occur there. A lot of relations seem based around shared groups/activities. And anyone outside that group was trivial. Drove me crazy how everyone rushed around with their phones and never acknowledged the other hundred people in front of them.
Dealt with a DA from Japan. After visiting there (on my own), I can really see how the culture can let it thrive. Just from the broad conflict avoidance, non-intrusive nature of relationships that occur there. A lot of relations seem based around shared groups/activities. And anyone outside that group was trivial. Drove me crazy how everyone rushed around with their phones and never acknowledged the other hundred people in front of them.
Different cultures, attachment style, core values, ideologies ( beliefs) worldview, and lifestyles can create misalignments.
Attachment is fluid and fluctuates.
Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix-
Wired For Love by Dr Stan Tatkin
8 Dates by John and Julie Gottman defines the blueprint of healthy relationships.