You cannot rationalize with a narcissist. You can not have a reasonable conversation or disagreement with a narcissist. If you are in a relationship with a narcissist the best thing for you to do is get your life in order so that you can have an Exit Plan. You cannot live a normal life with a narcissist.
I was with a narcissist and lost my life and my self . I've been on my own for 5 years. Just figuring out who i am again. It was years of pain and I lost many people I love. I'm the one left with the mess
Richer Geneau I’m really sorry, they are pitiful they don’t have genuine relationships or add any goodness or beauty, they seem to exist to add ugliness to the world
I want to say to anyone who is feeling like they wont survive this that not only can you (and will you) survive this, you can come through with a new spiritual awareness that will change who you are for the better. I did not think i could do it but every time I wanted to give up God called me back and I pushed ahead. This fight is not really of this world. You ate in a spiritual battle and i believe the only way to conquer these demons is to completely trust God and surrender to Him. As God to align your thoughts to his will and pray for deliverance. It doesn't happen overnight but if you believe and stay steadfast to your faith you will start to feel an inner peace and strength so that you can actually deal with this and get out. Its actually hard to put into wotds but with God you can do it!! I am with all of you on this journey and we will be victorious!!
So true! If you see it once and it was totally shocking innapropriate, humiliating you out in public, demeaning in the home; for me it was my parents and my estranged husband, they will never change. It is not a slip up or character flaw. They are calculating and deceitful. They advance from bad to worse don't even try diplomacy with them do not think talking about it will help don't be tricked by them into thinking you can help they will exploit and deplete you of your resources until you are cedependant upon them. It is harder for me because it was those who claimed to love me the most but their actions prove otherwise.
@@shwhitebuffalowoman2147 Right there with you. My narc is my older brother (58), and our Mom (84, widowed) has decided that it's her job to keep trying to make me "understand" his shocking, humiliating, condescending public and private treatment of me. So now, I have to battle her constantly trying to explain why he said or did something hurtful to me. In my mind, I see him hiding behind behind her skirts flipping me the bird and laughing at her while she struggles fix things up so she'll feel more comfortable during family gatherings, etc. He's been like this all our lives, but he tried to cover it up while Dad was living. Now, he looks for opportunities to malign me, using Mom as an excuse. And she seems o.k. with it.
Yes you are right don't expect ,compassion , empathy,real afection ,care or love from this people ,you say it rigth...protect your heart,even if you have to keep then at a safe distance,or have less contact as possible.
I had a mom who was a narc so I married one, a HUGE one and still took me years to see the truth. I thought it was me.one thing I have learned YOU CANNOT FIX CRAZY
Thank-you so much, Dr. Carter. I'm a broken person and your words helped me a lot. I didn't know that being broken can bring about positive responses. I'm thinking this is why I love volunteering at a local cancer center. I suffered from severe childhood abuse, am a cancer survivor, ended a 41 year marriage to a sadistic narcissist and the only thing I could think to do was to reach out and volunteer. I thought the best way to help heal myself was to be there for other people. I have been ashamed of my brokenness - by the scars I carry. However, you embrace our brokenness as all humans are and are teaching us how we can grow and value our brokenness. What a beautiful way to teach us about our humanity and the acceptance of who we are.
Sooo true. Narcissists are so terrified of their own weaknesses that they hone in immediately to other people's weaknesses. They try to use your own weakness against you and blow it out of proportion so they can divert attention away from their own 'unacceptable' flaws. They think they are outsmarting you by attacking you before you can attack them. Accepting my weaknesses was a huge life lesson for me!
exactly,mine she attacked me just before i attacked her,she always knew the right timing for attacking to me,i dont know how she did that,maybe its a part of their disfunction.they re always looking for trouble and want to have the first and last word on it.THEY THINK THEY WIN IF THEY DO THAT.STUPID AND CHILDISH
So busy judging everyone sizing them up and everyone else’s actions instead judging their own actions, their views fixing themselves internally can’t happen it’s all outside reflection not reflecting inside.
This might be a key point. Normal people are broken also, but they don't (always) blame it on someone else. They acknowledge and maybe even accept their own brokenness or imperfection, whereas narcissists have to pretend to be beyond flaws, and evenytime reality disagrees, narcissists find someone to blame and takeout on, or look down upon.
Kintsugi is a Japanese art of repairing broken things with gold, this makes them even more beautiful than before they broke. We should do that with ourselves, if we break let’s repair ourselves with gold and even better and more valuable than before
It's put me off dating again. Meeting my ex was like meeting pure evil. Felt like i was put on endless games sand trials. Dictation and control, was a nightmare. Happy to be free.
I'm a young 58 y/o and refuse to date again. I'm enjoying my freedom and have accepted the idea of not having another partner. I only have good male and female friends. The risk of being hurt again is too high and we all carry quite a bit of baggage at this age.
Yes, I'm trying to figure that one too. I just started to look at them like an act. Like they are a bad small theater production with lousy reviews. It's like seperating, though sometimes feels like prying, the attatchment off. Then their actions and words are just something I saw or heard but it doesn't define me. I'm free to observe and not react. I have a choice. I have control. I have a voice, per say. Haha. I don't have to enter into the madness. I don't have to be part of that crappy theater production. I think I will go have a cup of tea. Hmpf. Right? Yes, it is working, slowly learning, but it's working. Les Carter has that kind of theme in his videos and I'm catching on. I find myself also saying in my mind or under my breath or out loud in a different room, if need be..... "I'm part of TEAM HEALTHY." It is very invigorating, validating and strengthening. I do feel a little like the "Bob" character in "What About Bob" movie but heck, if it gets me to victory... Why not? And yes, "baby steps, baby steps". Haha. Yes!
JR AM ..... I agree, he certainly is, isn’t he.. .....also he’s so articulate, with an excellent vocabulary. I wish he was a speaker in my ear when I need the words.....
The crazy-making of the narc can make you crazy. It can drive you to do and say things you wouldn’t normally do or say. The difference is a normal person will feel guilty about what they’ve done or said and try to make amends and apologize and mean it. The narc won’t even acknowledge they’ve done anything wrong. They are hard-hearted and unapologetic.
It's easy to reflect some their characteristics back to them, but don't do it. Don't play in their playpen. We are all broken,.use grace in the situation and don't absorb the drama. Keep your light and happiness don't surrender it to others.
Sherri M just makes you dislike yourself and creates regret because you treated a person badly ( regardless of how they treated you) great advice Sherri x
@@dottyp137 thank you dotty,, for your thoughtful reply After sounding off to a loved one, I felt incredibly awful, I felt like I had lowered my self even below him. Because I knew better, I had better role models growing up then he did. The rabbit hole is a deep dark place. I learned I had to choose and handle the stress he was creating in my life differently, or it would eat me alive.
UPDATE: I tried what I said below last year. It helped to a point, I stopped trying to chit chat like a normal person. But in the end I had to confront and get mad at the illegal behaviour of this narc. Due to our relationship being a legally contracted one the narc backed off when I pointed out the illegal activity N had done and that I would go to the law next time it happened. Then N got annoyed but backed off totally... I felt much better for standing my ground for a change. The N is gone now and ended our contract to my benefit!! ORIGINAL COMMENT: I started using the 'grey rock' method - be boring and offer nothing extra that would allow a bitchy or dramatic reaction. AND answering in very concise or one word sentences with no additional information about anything. No small talk about anything you might do normally. Don't even comment on their behaviour being bad if they ask directly, just brush it off lightly. If the fuel to their fire (you getting upset or snappy) is gone, it just dies out. Well for my situation anyway. Let them find somewhere else to get their dramatic responses from!!
I've heard about this method, seems like a good plan. I tried it and it worked for a few weeks, then mum found a new way to start an argument, using my siblings in the row. I was unprepared. Learning about how to protect myself is helping with how I act so right now I'm in hiding! However my tormented and confused feelings are the same. I'm wondering if your Narcissist tried hard to draw you out and how you reacted. Where do you stand now?
@@ninacouser3024 Hi, thanks for asking. It is a process of learning to protect yourself. Failures lead to success. Tick off grey rock as good for one situation but not others. For me, the GR worked that one time, but next time the N and spouse came to see a property I use of theirs, it was horrible. They harangued me about some legal points we disagreed over. I stood my ground but when their complaints went on I stopped trying to defend myself. Then the N escalated so much, the spouse intervened. I couldn't really use grey rock in that case, it was pointless to continue. Like you, I'm sort of hiding. I won't meet face to face with them and haven't replied to their four emails since the meeting, even when they upped the ante. Their overbearing, self-righteous style is unpleasant and fruitless. We can email (they know it's on record so write better!) or I'll have someone else do it. Maybe I won't reply and they can take me to court and I'll explain why I didn't... But I feel stuck because I know any response will be a springboard for abuse. Perhaps I will do this again: - A dear old lady told me she used to argue a lot with her mother and one day she just got up and left the room. She had to do it a couple of times and the arguing stopped, for good! I was surprised but tried her trick with my mother - I did stand up and leave when she was being unpleasant and rude and it worked! It felt a bit weird but it I did it two times. She never went over the same ground again after that. So she got the message and I never said a word about it. Amazing! They can't argue on their own. Sometimes if you ignore the drama queens they just give up. They poke you for a response but you don't, you do the unexpected and be nice to them they can't handle it and move on. That's my experience.
@@1970brenz Good idea with the emails. I think you're right in that we need an arsenal of defences to stay flexible as the drama could come from any direction! Earlier today, I decided to take one of my mother's phone calls. I told her not to ecpe t to hear from me for a while, I was suffering anxiety and needed space. She cried and said but you do still love me, don't you?, saying over and over again but it's not because of me, surely! I spoke to my dad, told him I wasn't doing so well with anxiety and I wouldn't visit for a while and his response was, oh I do feel for your mother. In a way the narcissism is confirmed and I'm glad to have some breathing space. I was able to observe the 10+ forms of emotional burdens she was laying at my feet without feeling guilty or sad. So this is progress. The support from communities like this is invaluable. Thanks for your advice. I'm taking in on board. Cheers! Nina
@@ninacouser3024 Wonderful! Well done to recognise what they were both doing. Emotional manipulation. They do it because it usually works and they get upset when you don't fall for it anymore, and try to draw you back. But I think a big part of letting go and not feeling pulled into it, is seeing what they are doing and realising you don't need others approval as much as you thought. Not when it's hurting you and they don't care! I found that in an abusive relationships when I suddenly saw the light, I was suddenly able to mentally step back while the person was talking (at you) and see the games they were playing. It's not about you it's their own damage. The part that's about us is where we give in to it, let it consume us or worried so much about their feelings not our own, and try to soften the blow. It's better to just slowly change and not defend yourself every time. Too bad if they get angry, you'll find other support. :)
@@1970brenz Thanks you're so right. I ordered a book called You're not crazy, it's Your Mother! By Danu Morrigan and it certainly has the situation down to a T. So far No Contact is working well for me, and if I feel up to it later I'll go Low Contact. But I'm just sitting with things as they are. I hope you continue to go from strength to strength. Good luck with your journey onwards!
How is there so much narcissism in the world yet none of us knows anything about it until after we've suffered for years? I think our whole system is entirely narcissistic.
@@northstar5919 I think they know... But they either grew up in such disfunction and have Accepted it as normal or they feel so miserable and atleast inflicting pain on others makes them feel better
I think they don't understand. They don't even think about it in that way. Their rage is like a drug and it gives them a charge of energy, a release and maybe makes them feel alive. A lot of people who practice extreme sports have narcissistic tendencies and they do extreme sports to feel alive.
@@theglen85 I'm the mother of a malignant. I want to say my daughter was raised well and I have just recently been able to name that Thing about her. For years I took all the blame and shame for something that I am not responsible for. Finally I understand that it was Not me who did this to her. It seemed to come on in her early 20s. She is full force now near her 40th year. We are full on No Contact. I saw her in full out destroy mode like never before when she realized I meant business with my new boundaries and my intent to keep them. My heart is broken for her but I cant unlearn what I have come to know. I cant unsee what was displayed right before my very eyes. The blinders came off! I'm still in a bit of shock and want to second guess myself. But I wont! I can not allow such a destructive force into my life. I've worked long and hard to get my in the state of life I'm in. I'm finally happy with me. I'm going to protect my life. I Earned this life and it's worth protecting. Thanks so much for each and everyone who comes here. It's a Blessing and may the Blessing be your indeed!
Absolutely spot on! After feeling like a failure for years, I have realized my brokenness helps me connect with other people who are suffering. God uses broken people to further his kingdom. I'm trying to retrain my thinking. Instead of berating myself for how I've struggled, I'm starting to ask God how I use my experience to help other people. I've always thought I felt things too deeply and got hurt as a result, but it has manifested as compassion for others.
Eileen Kilgore this is so beautiful! The lord is my Rock and without Him I would never be were I am now! And the great thing is that God works His greatest of miracles in the weakest of people! That’s why we should boast in our infirmities! I wish you all the best! God bless you on your journey. 🙏❤️
Run for your life in the opposite direction! Focus on healing yourself, sometimes literally as time with a narcissist can affect your physical and mental health to extremes. I was always a healthy person until I tangled with a narc for nine years and ended up developing breast cancer. I feel very strongly there was a connection due to the emotional battery and vindictive treatment I received after the breakup. RUN people RUN!!!!!
So right they lack empathy straight out. My father was dying with cancer and i was waiting for the phone call to come to say he had passed away. While i stayed up all night praying for dad my husband went to bed for his night sleep. At 4.30am the call came dad had died. I sat alone crying for my father. My husband wasn't even by my side. That showed me who i was really married to. A pure NARCISSISTS.
I absolutely love the integrity and kindness conveyed in your communication style. Thank you for sharing your knowledge and wisdom with those of us who truly benefit from it.
The narc did bring out my brokenness, that is the reason why I was with a narc in the first place. This has ended up being a blessing in disguise because I have always has a strong desire to do things well, to heal and to be who God made me to be. It took a lot of prayer and seeking God, but in the end I will be a much better version of me. The pain made me seek for that buried treasure and never give up.
yes same here. and although it was the most painful thing i’d ever experienced being with a psychopathic narcissist for 20 years, it has been a blessing in disguise for me too. it broke me changed me shattered me and now a new me is growing. every day is a day to be thankful for now. many blessings to you.
@@Alpinewild444 Praying for you. I am reading a book called Suffering by Paul David Tripp it really talks about the true purposes of God in our suffering. It is so hard to understand apart from trust in Christ, so grateful and thankful that my eyes have been opened, otherwise bitterness, resentment and anger would have settled in my heart and destroyed me. God is so good and no doubt He has walked with me every step of the way. Nothing compares to the walk that has developed because of the suffering.
"Brokenness" is an apt description - I always worry when i defend my boundaries and get mad or overly vigilant i am taking on narcissism myself and that the inner emptiness they demonstrate has finally infected me... it's one of the worst parts. I think these steps are realistic and important to call up after abusive episodes and reactions.
Awe! you're such a sweetheart! I heard someone say just last month, here it is exactly>>>> " No one can love us like we love our self. If we're waiting on some knucklehead to show us our worth, we may be waiting a minute" Think about that Dee. No one is more worthy than "you" to raise you up. You alone hold the authority and the insight to walk in dignity.
@@deeh5048 Yes it is! That was a magic awaking for me when I heard that. It clearly means that "we" are the only ones worthy of defining our self. No one else does. You hold the power, Dee. Take it and believe it. Just a note, I suffered from self-acceptance all my life because I gave the power to my family to define who I am. No more. It took a long time but i did it.
It's almost a given that you end up being a different person than you were before you had a relationship with a narc. The more intimate, the longer the relationship, the more broken you become.
You can learn from it. Listen to this man he is very good. What is triggered in your soul? Feeling of not enough? Not worthy? That needs to be worked on and healed. It was there before the narcissists came into your life. He or she just pushed those buttons
He is my hero after he so simply described me in his book almost as if he knew me and my broken self to the t. Had this only been available in 1980 my reality might be a little bit different. Wisdom in terms using his old fashioned simple horse sense he is a Texan that's making Texas and Texan's a fine example to be proud of. Finding his channel has been like the sanity and truth and reality I am slowly developing each time I listen to his calm and relaxed telling the story seemingly about you. I could never be thankful enough for my limited ability and vocabulary. Dr. C you and Gus are the team. Thank you for your time and help.
This makes a lot of sense to me. As someone who feels like a 'fixer' and 'helper' it's hard sometimes to recognize that even my best fixing job can't put a broken person back together, both because that's an unrealistic task and because I'm broken too. I can change me, but I can't change someone else. Thanks Dr. Carter, your videos are so helpful.
I learned to let go and let God handle it. We do not know how many days we have left on this earth...I will not waste another second trying to help someone who really does not want help, just wants to keep me around as their "cheerleader" and personal verbal & emotional punching bag... nah..done with that. I respect me💜
It reminds me of alcoholics and the first step is they have to acknowledge the problem of alcoholism if they want to solve the problem. The narcissists don't see a problem - some might even say they are a narcissist, but they don't think that's a problem. Even though if there was a copy of them they would hate the copy and attack them.
Jen this was something I struggled with my whole life! I have now finally accepted the fact that I can only change myself. It really is an illusion to believe that we have the power to change others. We can hardly change our own stupid habits! 😂 at least we are self aware! ❤️
I AM broken. It hurts so much! I hurt so much. I feel like so much of ME has been stifled. Where am I? Why have I lost all of the ambition and drive I had? I let my love, my soul be burglarized. My boys need that. I NEED me back.
Lk S omg that’s how I felt ..... and when I tired to start feeling good maybe by taking care of myself or simply putting lip gloss he would turn it around on me and accuse me of putting lip gloss on for someone else ... I’ve been doing this for years now ... first 8 months were love bombs then we married the last 8 years have been a tornado
3yrs of learning my self worth through videos,praying and therapy has helped me get through my brokenness. I still feel off balance at times but like he said in the video. Focus on your positive self encouraging,loving and supporting others. I will be praying you sista just know your not alone.
Lk S if I would have known years ago what really was going on in my home I kept thinking it's going to get better but it never did my boys grew up being narcissist because it's learned behavior oh my gosh I always feel if I could have just gone back in time I get out of there if I knew to put my finger on what the situation was really about and he was a problem but he always made you feel like it was you that's problem
Try not to be critical of yourself, or of your current lack of ambition and drive, your energy will come back. At first, and for a good while, it hurts like crazy, but then it gets better. If you can, do some of the things that you find "yummy" that remind you that life can be good -- for me, vigorous physical exercise really helped, over time... if you can be nice to yourself, that will also help your kids.
Calm.1 Same with me. I felt for 30 years that I could fade into the wallpaper and it wouldn't be noticed. I never reacted to his temper tantrums, not cowardly just because I would be having a conversation with myself that is if I could even get a word in. I went to bed always by 10 pm as he chain smoked and I could not longer breathe. He wanted to do marriage guidance when I told him I was divorcing him. What? I had nothing more to give and after 30 years of marriage he actually walked to the kitchen sink, I asked him what he was doing and he said he was trying to make amends. That man hadn't lifted a cup to the sink, let alone wash up. That was 19 years ago and I have a good life with a special man and at first I couldn't believe that I was treated like I was worth kindness and shown affection but first you have to where up to the fact that a narcissus is not going to change and that you are worth so much more than this sham of a relationship. Even if I hadn't met another man I would have chosen to live alone.
Some people will never be nice to you, or even fair, and it has very little to do with who you are. It may sometimes be a difficult concept to understand, but it's the truth. There are people who want you to be responsible for something that you are not supposed to be responsible for.
You've just described my mother to a tee. After she destroyed my career, it took me 10 years to recover and recreate everything I had lost. I went very, very low contact with her, but recently have reconnected on a superficial level. She still acts like a victim and has a 'woe is me' attitude. I struggled for years with my godly beliefs of 'honoring your mother and father' to that of loving myself enough to distance myself from someone who was abusing me. I was conflicted for years. I looked to God, and over time He lessened the pain I was experiencing. At this point, I wish my mother the very best but feel no obligation to establish a deep relationship with her. We're done. I receive my love and encouragement from Jesus and the Father.
MIFNP - am in same situation. BTW the commandment about honour your morher and father was written for the jews to stop the practice of corban where they pledge their assets to the temple and don't financially help their parents in old age. Its not about what church christianity says. I grappled with this like you then asked my soul for guidance. Decided i will honour myself and go no contact. She wants me at arms length. I get that from a friend but not good enough from a mother. I found Jesus too and He saved my sanity. I owe Jesus my life.
MIFNP Get out of my head 😳. Boy I’d love to talk to you for some tips. I’m in a living hell and trapped in it with no way out except in a body bag. Seriously
Yes someone said honouring can mean you make sure they are taken care of but you don't have to physically or emotionally be the one to do that. So you haven't totally abandoned them, but you accept the limits. That idea helped me a lot. You still honour but in a different way. I think God understands it very well. :)
Narcs are really good at stealing the role of god and making their families worship their needs to the exclusion of everything one else including yourself. It was life changing when I realized that broken brained selfish idiot that is my mother who can’t make a correct decision to save her life...is not a valid resource for anything. Boundaries are so much easier to enforce once caring about what they approve of evaporates.
Hi Doc, Love to hear an episode about the NARC's constant need for external validation i.e. the external validation junkie. If I wasn't blowing sunshine up my narcs hind end 24/7 I was just miserable and made to be a horrible person. Trying to please a perpetually dissatisfied person is exhausting. Thanks for what you do! Much Love
This one helps so much towards self-acceptance and hope. It seems like a kind of 'judo', where the force of accusations can be converted into the power to change. Many thanks again!
@Borg Ward It's difficult to understand because normal people don't do that. I think it's because they actually know they are not superior, but putting others down allows them to feel superior- which is necessary for them to survive.
@Borg Ward Because they feel like such a piece of garbage, that putting us down makes them stand a little bit higher in their own mind. I wish they would just heal instead! Face their pain and although it hurts for a while they will be free of it once they do. Grieve, rage and forgive and you will move on. God please, help them, no one else can.
I agree, there is no substitute for being honest with yourself and admitting your own weaknesses - without self flagellation. It really is key to personal growth, and like Dr Carter said, there is a certain strength in admitting your weaknesses.
I agree! We're only human, and everyone messes up and fails from time to time. We just need to learn from these experiences. I'm afraid I've fallen into the "self-flagellation" syndrome, but at least I'm aware of it!
I left my narcissist wife last fall. It took me many attempts to break off with her. It made me feel really weak and powerless to be with her. I am feeling A LOT better now. I just need to figure out how to keep narcs out of my life.
Len Peters I have been putting more effort into educating myself on what parts of myself I have to change in order to not attract these Types of people. And if I do I arm myself with knowledge of their typical behavior. I also remind myself that there are amazing people in the world!!!! ❤️ and that means we should never give up on people. Good luck to you and God bless
So needed to hear this. The shame I have dealt with from my own brokenness is what has been leading me into several Narcissist relationships after having grown up with a Narcissist mother. This last relationship opened my eyes to the areas I needed to heal and came to terms during the process that it is definitely what makes me who I am and has actually led my to my life passion and for that I am so grateful. This was the most needed piece of the puzzle - knowing that it was ok to have brokenness. THANK YOU
So happy for you, Donna!! I had narc parents and could relate! My brokenness comes out when I'm around a narc. I found my passion early in life but I didn't have the confidence to stick with it and make the effort. Now I don't blame myself anymore.
For years I felt hollow in this current relationship until I found a book regarding verbal abuse and it talked about Narcissism. Once I read the description and the tactics they use, I felt so much better. I was not crazy!! The gaslighting, lies and his inattention to me while not allowing me to live any joy. It started with contempt and getting an STD 6 months after marriage, and from there built. It’s now 32 years later and my Gynecologist told me the lab didn’t get it wrong which is what his defense was at the time. In the news that year, was articles about the accuracy of lab tests. He took that story and ran with it. Anyway, he told me last week he hasn’t loved me for 32 years and he cannot, or will not, tell me why. For all I know, he could be gay because there have been times I’ve seen and heart comments about other men. Once I found out about this disorder, the description fit perfectly and I found out how incredibly strong I am as a person.
Lune Miel I agree, he is kind and funny as he dispenses the truth and enlightens me to what’s going on that is painful 😣, but I find myself chuckling too. He has a uplifting spirit and he likes dogs so he’s got to be a good guy. I wish I were as calm and peaceful as Gus.
@@pamelavirnoche9573 I know sweety pie. I can relate to what you are saying. I always believed those who are animal lovers and who takes care of them are from God. I know the pain .. My mom is a narcissist and I went no contact not too long ago. Of course, she went no contact first but I decided not to go back when she tried to come back in my life because she was already just criticizing me and making lies. What buffles me is she lies while knowing me and her both know they are lies. I will never get it other than they are the seed of the devil and that hurts me so much more. I still pray for her but I have little hope based on what I have observed so far. I know God is a God of miracles and He has done some real miracles in my life and Has made the impossible possible but it's almost like I feel like she is beyond repentance. But I'll let God decide that one. God is good. He provides for us in so many ways. His provisions are more than basic necessities. He really cares about us. God bless you dear one. Sending you love and peace from Jesus Christ who loves you ! 💕 🙏 ✝
Lune Miel Thank you, I'm sorry 💔 for what you have gone through. I have a very similar situation to what you have expressed and I attract that kind of men to marry and seem to become entangled with people that show up with those traits and attitudes. I realize I'm learning about my Codependency and enmeshment issues and childhood trauma issues. I know God is helping me and will bring healing. He's not just zapping me and removing the pain but walking me through it with others that are wise and others that are also suffering and seeking to understand and make healthy changes in their lives and relationships too. It's a process, but God is with me and helping me and I get to encourage others along the way. I get to see my own character flaws and weaknesses too, and work to remove or minimize them. A new awareness is present and a greater realization of my need for Jesus. I can definitely claim that I am a kind person and have a lot of empathy for others. Truth is we are all broken, even the narcissistic people. That's who Jesus came to save, the broken. After all it is sick that need a physician. He is our Great Physicisn.🙏🏽
@@pamelavirnoche9573 same here sister ! Funny we have a similar testimony ! Sometimes I wonder what the deal is with the seed of cain.... I have seen God glory lots of evidence but my mom.... Even though I prayed and still pray, her heart only softens for a little bit if God is giving me a provision He wants me to have. Other than that, it is like, God how long will it take ? Oh Lord I love you sweet Lord and Savior. I hope if anything she will repent on her death bed but hopefully sooner.
Lune Miel Yes, so can relate . My mom has deep depression and can’t talk about anything vulnerable or be close. Super judgmental and condemning. It’s sad and it’s toxic and it’s implied that family is responsible to just take the abuse and feel sorry for her and work to make her feel better no matter that her words and actions tear down and wound. What I’ve come to realize is it’s her toxic shame that gets put on others, especially family due to enmeshment and expectations. It’s both confusing and I feel angry and defensive and as though it’s my job to fix it all and make her happy and feel better. Then of course I feel guilty when I put space between us or implement boundaries. She sees boundaries as attacks and as punitive. Her behaviors resonate with the covert narcissists character traits. She’s often makes the claim that others outside the family treat her better than her family , yet she fails to see how she mistreats her family and puts up a false front to others outside of it. Then the other thing she says over and over is that she hates the number three. Well guess what , she has three children. She’s also a master at triangulation. My head hurts ....... I’m working on myself , and realize I can’t change her. I do pray for her and feel so sad for her and her deep depression and at times her despair . I can’t fix her and it’s not my job to. It’s the balance of honoring and loving her, but not getting entangled in her toxic web . Grieving the mother and close loving and trusting relationship I’ve always hungered for and never have had. Walking that line between Truth and Grace. 🙏🏻God help me! Jesus help me.!
Wow! I'm going to watch this one again and again. The stein story got to me. The contrast between a healthy person accidentally breaking something and feeling such remorse, and in the case of my narcissist, deliberately destroying things in rage or for no apparent reason, and showing absolutely no evidence of remorse. Dr. Carter, will you please address how to overcome the affects survivors experience, such as, in my case, depression, isolation, anxiety... .Thank you for what you're doing to help us.
On a different channel Thomas Hall offers a huge variety of videos with positive affirmations in the forms of hypnosis, sleep hypnosis, subliminal affirmations, binaural beats and flash screens on a range of topics. I use them nearly 24/7 and in five months I've gone from despairing confused and hopeless to empowered and feeling ready to take on the entire VA system, let alone one weak and vengeful covert narc that has controlled my life for a decade and a half. There is also a handful of videos on the PTSD recovery science of self-administered E.M.D.R. (eye movement desensitization reprogramming) which helps disconnect the emotional trauma of bad memories. You don't forget what happened you just don't relive the trauma each time you remember it. Good luck and don't forget that you are still you. You are strong enough to escape and you deserve to be happy.
I am so sorry your losses. Having your personal possessions intentionally destroyed especially if they held sentimental value, is a form of domestic violence.
All of us have broken moments but I can’t let that stop my growth. I’ve been practicing self forgiveness and acceptance for having broken moments. These sessions have been so helpful for me. Thanks Doc.
Absolutely brilliant work Dr C. So important to move the focus off the narc and into Self where we can celebrate our gifts and try to learn to use them more wisely. Love the way you put things so succinctly. And bullet point key points. Thank you Sir. Your work has been more helpful than anything else in this journey.
When does a relationship stop being a relationship. Requests for communication denied, or worse, you are threatened with abandonment, or treated to rage if you open your mouth again to request communication. The Narcissist informs you that Love for you doesn't factor when it stands between you and the Narcissist getting what they want at your expense The Narcissist informs you that you are a Nothing, a Nobody without their voice and face and therefore hurting you is justified nothing personal just business, Because only they matter, only their needs matter, only their happiness matters. You express your needs to talk about the abuse occurring and the Narcissist gives you the Silent treatment for years, waiting for you to call in order to have the upper hand, which would allow status quo to continue on the Narcissists terms.
It's amazing how such a short video can change a whole perspective and make us see things under a different light! I am a broken person and with time, I have learned that it's not the number of falls that count but getting up afterwards and try again. Narcissists are broken and stay fallen and refuse to get up. That's the difference! And anyone around them that did get up are being dragged down again and forced to stay down there so the narcissists can feel better about themselves. This is life-changing for me!
There is a tendency to repeat the past, to find someone who repeats what you suffered as a child. For some it is hard to let go of the person who is punishing you because he/she usually represents a narcissistic, abusive parent . Will power and talking to someone can help. The advice Les Carter gives is really appreciated! I listen over and over again. Such relationships worsen your self esteem. Get all the support you can to get away.
I gained benefit from your videos everyday... I am puzzled about my narcissist.. I have no idea how they got broken... I have watched them shatter year after year.. They get worse all the time.. I just do not understand why they choose to live in isolation.. they push Love Away.. I just do not understand.. The more you love and the more people love you is what makes the world go around.. But my narcissist wants to be isolated and they prefer not having anyone love them.. It's so very very sad
I know that I am broken. 😞 So many people in my life that I tried to defend myself against. It never worked. Has only gotten me in deeper. Unfortunately, I lost my late husband of 20 years. He was able to help me turn things around. To believe in myself, etc. But now that he is gone, I am vulnerable. Very hard to explain. He was my best friend. One who I could talk honestly to and not be judged. One that I trusted with advice. One who would talk to me straight up because he loved and liked me. People just aren't this real anymore!!
You might be surprised to find that there are many healthy people in the world. Probably some close enough to become friends with. I healthy person doesn't need to denigrate others in order to feel good. Just try getting to know a few people around you but don't open yourself up too much until you get to know them a little. If someone you're not very attached or vulnerable to yet is too critical or shows a few other danger signs like being high conflict or insulting toward you or others you will still be in a position to easily walk away from forming a relationship before you've developed an emotional attachment. If you find yourself getting involved in one unhealthy friendship after another you probably need to take a long hard look into yourself to find out what it is inside you that's attracting toxic relationships. It could be something as simple as low self esteem or some sort of insecurity. It could be a fear developed due to the bad relationship in your past or you might need finish mourning your husband before you can move on. I'm very sorry for your loss and really hope you'll find some rewarding friendships.
@@ontoyoualways9183 I've become friends with a few very good people and aquanted with several, some much nicer than others. While it's true that people are often quite busy with a lot on their plates there are plenty of good ones out there. For some reason, probably your previous life experience, you seen to be attracting all the wrong ones. Get involved in an activity you enjoy and you will probably find some like minded people who are nice enough.
Dr. Carter, bless you for making these videos. The videos are extremely helpful. This one was perfect timing as I was just cornered by the narc and devalued, blamed, shamed, gaslighted in a fit of their rage. I collapsed like a house of cards during this and was so upset with myself afterward that I didn’t hold my ground.
R blue dont feel bad. I "argue" for a living basically in my profession... yet i cannot argue my way out of a paper bag with my narc mother. She seems to always,win . So, im no contact. Im still mad at myself for caving in to her for 40++ yrs, tho.
It is a special kind of evil skill they have to reduce us to ashes in their midst. No matter HOW strong we are otherwise. Do not blame yourself. The trauma and pain they induce so purposely (even if it is instinctively unconscious on their part) is a potent force to reckon with. We with strong willed, common sense and compassionate selves cannot comprehend such actions. This is why we fold. The cognitive dissonance of it all. And the profound betrayal. I don't want to EVER "understand" it. I wish to always be appalled by it...but with a wiser understanding so that it doesn't bring me to my knees again in the way that it did the first time I encountered such a person. Live, learn and grow.
@@flutefun999 great response. I think having a narc PARENT do this to a an adult child, tho, makes it 100 times worse....the cog diss, plus the sheer abject betrayal, both of which u refer to, renders me, personally, apoplectic in the face of any argument or discussion with my my narc mother...i keep thinking ( or, kept thinking, as, im no contract now), *why* are u acting this way towards me, when i dont deserve this kind of treatment from you?? It was just a ruinous cycle with her, if i could put it that way... it ruined me every time i spoke with her. Her " come from" was always so left field, to my thinking, that i found myself pulling punches verbally, punches i would otherwise be able to easily make... not that i wanted to verbally spar with her.no, that's the whole point.. everything, i mean everything with her, got reduced to a verbal sparring match... and over the stupidest stuff ...and that seems doubly unnatural, when its your own mother, ur parent who is supposed to build you up or at very least not constantly tear you down... well anyway. im no contact. It was the only way to save what was left of my life, as im late 50s now ... but better late than never.
Whew!!! Needed to hear this today! Thank you and God Bless you!!! Divorcing this man....he moved away and I am sooooooo grateful!! Now I can LIVE!!! Hes an actor/hypocrite!!! I want no more of him. Thank you Lord!🙏
I watched it again and I've realized this - I was married for 43.5 years to a Malignant Narcissist " Humpty Dumpty ", too broken to be put back together again. I'll watch it again.
Dawn Bailey you are never too broken to turn to the Lord! 🙏❤️ I wish you all the best! I got to the lowest point in my life we’re everything fell apart. I turned to God and slowly but surely he is healing me! What is impossible for man is not impossible with God. 🙏
Dear Dr. Carter, I think you are brilliant! I am 75 years old, spent 50 years in New York and returned eight years ago to my native Germany. My downstairs neighbor in a two family house is a narcissist. Her helpfulness was initially wonderful, as I needed help in furnishing my apartment and finding my way around. But from the beginning, she was rude, smug, controlling, insulting. She wanted to be my friend, called me her girl-friend. She never cut the mustard. First, I realized her helpfulness was a way to control. Then I realized she wore a mask. Then that every discussion is a competition, etc. etc. I worked at understanding her, slowly, painfully. I worked at my responses to her. I still do. She is a great neighbor, will drive me to the airport at any time, including 4:00 a.m. I don't want to lose that, but I must protect my soul, mind and emotions from her insanity. Then I found your videos on TH-cam. What a relief! I don't have to reinvent the wheel! You've done it! I am studying two of your books, and will continue with the videos. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
Dr Les, any chance you could talk about Complex PTSD and PTSD? The second most valuable thing I learned besides finding out about NPD was that my own brokenness has a name, which is a big help in the healing. Thank you for another excellent video.
Thank you so much for helping the sick feeling in my stomach, the anxiety, the fear to calm down when she is around or doing things that exasperate me wondering what I did wrong in raising her.
That's exactly what they do! My mom died as a result of narcissistic abuse. I am the scapegoat. My very narcissistic dad has gone as far as going to my doctors, making appointments for himself and using them to smear me. He wants to try to get doctors to fire me as a patient. He tried to get me fired from a job and that didn't work. but it is starting to backfire on him because doctors now telling me that they know what he's about. And to stay away from him.
Sometimes they sabotage it by inducing psychosomatic symptoms. Sometimes they sabotage your health directly by poisoning you. Or by injuring you in some way. The truly malignant ones are often killers.
In my experience, that is one of the key differences between those who have unfortunately become narcissistic in the way they relate to others and those who have not .. those who have not do enjoy the experience of empowering others, but narcissists just get angry if they see others growing in internal strength and so feel the need to knock them down (it becomes almost an imperative with them to do so). They have no nurturing instincts.
Thanks to this gentleman's knowledge and kind empathy that we have some enlightenment on narcissism and the living hell they are inflicting on their supposedly loved ones. If it weren't for people like you, we would have eaten their toxic baits and believed their faulty perception of us. Keep me in your prayers, dealing with narcissists comorbid with borderlines which escalates the drama, and gives more room to their victim mode with their violence, terrible accusations, screaming and shame trapping. I wish they seeked healing instead of purging their darkness and evil on the warriors of light. And lastly, I quote: "Don't wrestle with the pig, it wastes your time and the pig enjoys it"!
Dr.Carter, I have recently been following your videos. Everthing is making sense other than how to make the exit plan. If children are involved there's no clean exit and it predisposes itself in one form or another..any advice on where as victims we can go to get ourselves up again to make informed decisions.
Silence, secretive, withdrawn, emptiness, operating on a false front, an unnatural smugness, shunning and the list goes on. I tried so hard to appease the brokenness in the narc. And yes, in the end it was my fault. I’m healthy and happy Now.
Wow! Your words summed up the person exactly as what they were doing to me. I was never blamed though! He never talked! Just the fog of silence and never shared verbally.
In deep hurt I would try to justify myself that I am not the horrible things that I am accused of most of the time now I just withdraw in this situation into my own self . No matter how much I know those accusations are the opposite of the truth it still hurts and belittles. I take myself to my own corner and yes I am broken, very very broken and have to fight the shame of the things you are accused of even though I know they are false. Thankyou for your help
@@M_SC I would not try that if you're in a relationship with them as you will only be shamed,belittled,blamed & loudly at that so that everyone can hear it,made to appear as "the problem," rage will definitely come your way,both emotional as well as physical,you will be called the "most profane names" that you've ever heard. They will do things purposely that they "know" will break your "already broken" spirit & without a care & with "eyes of steel & a heart of stone." There's absolutely "no" limits to how they'll cross boundaries as if it were nothing & you were nothing. They will truly "drain the life" out of you in vengeful ways they use to get what they want. If you don't cater to what they want & right away,you will suffer "all" of the things I've just mentioned & worse if it turns physical. Then you'll hear "I'm sorry," until they do it again which could be an hour from the time they said they were sorry as they weren't truly sorry at all because sorry is "only a word" to them to get back into your good graces & they truly truly truly don't really mean it. Because if they were truly sorry,you'd know it,you'd feel it,yet this is who they are & nothing nor anyone can change them except themselves & they're unwilling to do this as it takes away their control through your fears,yes,they control through fear leaving you even more broken,isolated & with no one to talk to as you're riding "their" emotional roller coaster that goes up & down & round & round because they also get rid family & your friends one by one until you're alone & depending on them alone,this is their "trick," to get control over you. No,laughing in their face Will only "add" to your pain.
Leeanne Newman for some situations I agree completely. But others not. It depends. Anyway much goodwill towards you it sounds like you’ve suffered a lot.
@@M_SC Much Gratitude for your kind thoughts,as I have & still am suffering as I try to break free yet he won't go,won't leave me be,shows up where he knows I'll be. Then charms his way in as if nothing occurred,& ill be standing there when i see him in total disbelieve as i'd made it clear i didn't want to play his sick mind games anymore nor deal with the "come out of nowhere" raging when he can't get what he wants from me,or if i dont do what he requires me to do & the way he wants me to do it,yet I already know it's all a facade & just for me. Even my finances have been taken advantage of by this person & enough is enough yet "I care too much" & this is my downfall over & over again. I'm an empath so there's so much more stress there within me as I try to deal with this person,the father of my five children (one passed in 1995)of over 31 years. I never knew this sort of behavior held a name (narcissism) yet now that i do know,I'm watching & learning all that I'm able that I can combat these attacks on me as this is as a war.
@@leeannenewman8791 remember what Oprah said (whether or not you like her): "charming "is a verb, its a thing they do to you. Not a nice thing! You're under a spell, it confuses your perceptions, corrupts your feelings. But you can control your physical body. move your muscles, move around touch your toes, touch your opposite ears, do weird stuff to break the spell.
Thank U For Sharing Great Video My Experience With A An Overt Narcissists The Worse Horrible Abuse Ever It Was Constant Belittling Demands Narcissists Love The Idea Of Having U In A Perpetual State Of Fear. So That They Can Continue Have Power Over You
Many thanks. I have purchased your book " when pleasing you is hurting me " At 35 I just realized I may have had/ have a narcissistic mother that just enabled our 16 year old daughter to come live with her against our permission. It hurts and it's difficult to try and navigate all this. I am very grateful for this content. Sick of being right or wrong ........just want peace ❤️
Thank you Dr. Carter. I observe the world around me becoming more Narcissist centered or broken and appreciate the balance of your common sense approach!
Thank you. I agree wholeheartedly. I'm Broken. I've been broken. I'm okay with my broken. Without laying blame, his broken is Kryptonite to my broken. I am at Peace. 😊
Your videos have helped me. I still deal with my ex narcissistic due to children. It’s not easy that feeling of fear is so overwhelming at times. Especially the harsh words of blaming me and them not understanding a court order. All I know is recognizing myself and my actions and not letting that fear take over after all the years of living it is so encouraging for myself. Self awareness is the start your own actions and learning to control yourself makes the biggest change. I would not wish this on anyone. These people without self awareness of their narcissism will never change.
You, Dr. Carter, with your understanding, knowledge, wisdom, and warmth have saved my life. Literally, not just figuratively.. Within the darkest hour of a narcissist's grip, some divine force pointed the way to you. Forever grateful for your life-saving wisdom.
Cheers Doc, Wish you’d been around 20 years ago, before I spent a decade of my life drinking myself into a hole. It got so bad that my narcissist mother had me convinced I was the narcissist. It was not until my wonderful, beautiful wife, who survived an highly abusive (physical, mental, etc.), told me I was the kindest person she had ever known. That one statement from a loving spouse finally turned off the “gas”. Being broken sucks, but it is fixable. Being a narcissist is a self-imposed life sentence.
See also: "Do as I say, not as I do!" "I'm sorry you feel that way!" "I was worried about you!" and/or "I didn't think those people were right for you!"
Speaking of broken people, who would have any cause to give this video a negative vote? The only downside I can see is that Gus didn’t make an appearance. 🥰
As always a great video! I would like to also say that these people are essentially liars. They lie constantly and sometimes if you know this it can help, as you can see that they will lie to push your buttons and to manipulate you-and once you see this you realize just how weirdly dependent they are on you and your reactions to them and see the power dynamic for what it is. You are in control. This makes it easier to leave, at least it did for me.
This might be the most relevant video to my current life circumstances. I'm at the stage where I've found a lot of people that I feel comfortable opening up to and sharing my struggles with. As you mentioned, I had this "aha moment" where it just suddenly hit me what having authentic friendships is alla about. I truly felt a sense of belonging with that group. Moreover, I've continously struggled with identifying myself as the narcissist. At the very least, I've recognized some toxic traits in myself that could very well be interpreted as narcissistic. As such, it feels very comforting that you tell us to accept ourselves as broken people. The difference between me and a toxic person is that I'm accountable to my mistakes and I'm willing to learn from them.
Narcs always blame and avoid responsibility. My other half is judgmental always telling me the right course of action, if I share anything. Sometimes it's to make conversation. So it backfires. It has made me more alert and so I think twice before mentioning anything. I'm not asking for her opinion or advice. So less is more for me as I cannot be controlled by her as to how I should behave and live.
Accepting your own humanity. Wow. Thank you. Didn't know it's allowed, being raised by a narcissistic father, and married to a narcissistic wife for 20 years.
Hitting the nail on the head as you always do, Dr. Carter. You're pointing out also how unfixable these people are. We're HUMAN! Less than perfect! I understand the dynamics enough to know the sickest among us CAN'T accept their OWN HUMANITY and go on to live a life of peace. I do get it. It just doesn't make it easier to live with it or watch what it's done to others around me. Ones who haven't sought therapy. Ones who don't educate themselves. I've been taught Patience. I've been taught there's NO SENSE in trying to CONTROL anyone or anything but ME! It's been a long journey. I know where I'm gonna end up when my flesh is no more. A forever Blessing I know that is mine. The saddest thing to me is understanding through our Father's Word, what those broken ones have given up, if they don't repent. Narcissists can rage, damage, and hurt other people. But they can never take away the most Precious of all Gifts. Because they can never take away our will to make that choice. Praise God for that at the end of the day.
While listening to the good doctor I found parallels within my family setting. The male figure in my life, my father, displays many grand NPD characteristics.and from a early age i picked up survival techniques to help keep me sane as I live in his altered version of reality. the parts that resonated with me was the idea of being broken and how being around a narc can bring out the defects/brokenness in oneself. Every single point he made from insecurities to bitterness and resentment is exactly how I felt/ feel when around my father. It is truly refreshing to have someone explain those flaws that can be amplified by a narc, and a nice neat list of things that I need to work on and keep track of in the future. Thank you so much for your insight.
This is what I needed. I think I asked before in another video comments section, how I can separate myself from the narcissist without becoming like the narcissist. The broken narcissist begets a broken recipient. Learning from a narcissist's abuse does not make me one, it may break me but I can learn from my experiences, I can help myself break the pattern. I can't fix him, but I can fix myself. Thank you, Dr. C! This is what I needed!
This was great! There was a lot of "food for thought" in this lecture. I am still dealing with the brokenness, but it has definitely stripped a lot of pride, vanity, "smugness," and general crud from my life! I'm much more empathetic, caring and AUTHENTIC than I ever was (growing up with a cruel narcissistic mother). I was always a "people pleaser,"...doing what others expected....at all costs. I guess you could say that I'm learning to live in my own skin...after 62 years! I even let my hair go grey(lol!) Thanks so much for these videos. I watch them multiple times....they are really helpful!
Well I am still alive and kicking . Just. You have to see the funny side of your situation. And I am still living with my narcissistic wife. And my two adult kids who don't talk to me . Well all I can do is take one day at a time .
You really brought me comfort and understanding that I really needed today. And I couldn’t get that anywhere else in my life. Thank you.God Bless you for the work you are doing here. 🦋🌸
This summary is extremely helpful. After 20 years or more of dealing with blatant narcissists, I am glad to find out that these destructive patterns of behavior, that I’ve put up with, have a name. Many open, or hidden attacks in a wide variety of ways, to diminish & control me, from people who believe their actions are beyond reproach & perfectly normal
You cannot rationalize with a narcissist. You can not have a reasonable conversation or disagreement with a narcissist. If you are in a relationship with a narcissist the best thing for you to do is get your life in order so that you can have an Exit Plan. You cannot live a normal life with a narcissist.
I was with a narcissist and lost my life and my self . I've been on my own for 5 years. Just figuring out who i am again.
It was years of pain and I lost many people I love.
I'm the one left with the mess
Richer Geneau I’m really sorry, they are pitiful they don’t have genuine relationships or add any goodness or beauty, they seem to exist to add ugliness to the world
I'm afraid you may be rite
I have exited and no longer talk to this woman. She likes to be in control and I won't let her do it.
I want to say to anyone who is feeling like they wont survive this that not only can you (and will you) survive this, you can come through with a new spiritual awareness that will change who you are for the better. I did not think i could do it but every time I wanted to give up God called me back and I pushed ahead. This fight is not really of this world. You ate in a spiritual battle and i believe the only way to conquer these demons is to completely trust God and surrender to Him. As God to align your thoughts to his will and pray for deliverance. It doesn't happen overnight but if you believe and stay steadfast to your faith you will start to feel an inner peace and strength so that you can actually deal with this and get out. Its actually hard to put into wotds but with God you can do it!! I am with all of you on this journey and we will be victorious!!
Dont expect any compassion, understanding or love from these people, just run for your life.
Amen
So true! If you see it once and it was totally shocking innapropriate, humiliating you out in public, demeaning in the home; for me it was my parents and my estranged husband, they will never change. It is not a slip up or character flaw. They are calculating and deceitful. They advance from bad to worse don't even try diplomacy with them do not think talking about it will help don't be tricked by them into thinking you can help they will exploit and deplete you of your resources until you are cedependant upon them. It is harder for me because it was those who claimed to love me the most but their actions prove otherwise.
Good advice
@@shwhitebuffalowoman2147 Right there with you. My narc is my older brother (58), and our Mom (84, widowed) has decided that it's her job to keep trying to make me "understand" his shocking, humiliating, condescending public and private treatment of me. So now, I have to battle her constantly trying to explain why he said or did something hurtful to me. In my mind, I see him hiding behind behind her skirts flipping me the bird and laughing at her while she struggles fix things up so she'll feel more comfortable during family gatherings, etc. He's been like this all our lives, but he tried to cover it up while Dad was living. Now, he looks for opportunities to malign me, using Mom as an excuse. And she seems o.k. with it.
Yes you are right don't expect ,compassion , empathy,real afection ,care or love from this people ,you say it rigth...protect your heart,even if you have to keep then at a safe distance,or have less contact as possible.
I had a mom who was a narc so I married one, a HUGE one and still took me years to see the truth. I thought it was me.one thing I have learned YOU CANNOT FIX CRAZY
Thank-you so much, Dr. Carter. I'm a broken person and your words helped me a lot. I didn't know that being broken can bring about positive responses. I'm thinking this is why I love volunteering at a local cancer center. I suffered from severe childhood abuse, am a cancer survivor, ended a 41 year marriage to a sadistic narcissist and the only thing I could think to do was to reach out and volunteer. I thought the best way to help heal myself was to be there for other people. I have been ashamed of my brokenness - by the scars I carry. However, you embrace our brokenness as all humans are and are teaching us how we can grow and value our brokenness. What a beautiful way to teach us about our humanity and the acceptance of who we are.
Sooo true. Narcissists are so terrified of their own weaknesses that they hone in immediately to other people's weaknesses. They try to use your own weakness against you and blow it out of proportion so they can divert attention away from their own 'unacceptable' flaws. They think they are outsmarting you by attacking you before you can attack them.
Accepting my weaknesses was a huge life lesson for me!
Wow, J Creole, you are right on!
exactly,mine she attacked me just before i attacked her,she always knew the right timing for attacking to me,i dont know how she did that,maybe its a part of their disfunction.they re always looking for trouble and want to have the first and last word on it.THEY THINK THEY WIN IF THEY DO THAT.STUPID AND CHILDISH
So busy judging everyone sizing them up and everyone else’s actions instead judging their own actions, their views fixing themselves internally can’t happen it’s all outside reflection not reflecting inside.
My caregiver mother, I mean she used to be my caregiver. Got me a social worker and blocked her from everything including my son (19) he hates her
You make the world a better place. Thank you.
Thank you for saying this. Dr. Carter's videos have helped me immensely.
Yes, Dr. Carter makes the world a better place. Absolutely.
Yes he does ! Thank you dr Les
Sounds exactly like my ass %€€ husband
He does. Thanks Dr Les 🙏 😘 😊
"Broken people" explains so much;
the anger, thin-skin, secretive, critical spirit, smugness, superiority....YOU nailed it perfectly! Thank YOU!
Thanks sir
This might be a key point.
Normal people are broken also, but they don't
(always) blame it on someone else.
They acknowledge and maybe even accept their
own brokenness or imperfection, whereas
narcissists have to pretend to be beyond flaws,
and evenytime reality disagrees, narcissists
find someone to blame and takeout on, or look
down upon.
You get it! Dr. C
Kintsugi is a Japanese art of repairing broken things with gold, this makes them even more beautiful than before they broke.
We should do that with ourselves, if we break let’s repair ourselves with gold and even better and more valuable than before
It's put me off dating again. Meeting my ex was like meeting pure evil. Felt like i was put on endless games sand trials. Dictation and control, was a nightmare. Happy to be free.
Steven Williams at least you can say ex. Still working on that part...
I'm a young 58 y/o and refuse to date again. I'm enjoying my freedom and have accepted the idea of not having another partner. I only have good male and female friends. The risk of being hurt again is too high and we all carry quite a bit of baggage at this age.
@@DulceN Ditto
I'm with you .. they are damged people .. i think to have your sanity back is more important than another partner .
Indeed!
They have zero self insight. It is impossible to get them to acknowledge their faults. I agree that boundaries without explanation are a good idea.
It is hard to have energy to get to the rest of life, growing and learning when someone is consistently sucking the good energy.
Excactly even when they aren't physically close to you they still suck your energy.
Yes, I'm trying to figure that one too. I just started to look at them like an act. Like they are a bad small theater production with lousy reviews. It's like seperating, though sometimes feels like prying, the attatchment off. Then their actions and words are just something I saw or heard but it doesn't define me. I'm free to observe and not react. I have a choice. I have control. I have a voice, per say. Haha. I don't have to enter into the madness. I don't have to be part of that crappy theater production. I think I will go have a cup of tea. Hmpf. Right? Yes, it is working, slowly learning, but it's working. Les Carter has that kind of theme in his videos and I'm catching on. I find myself also saying in my mind or under my breath or out loud in a different room, if need be..... "I'm part of TEAM HEALTHY." It is very invigorating, validating and strengthening. I do feel a little like the "Bob" character in "What About Bob" movie but heck, if it gets me to victory... Why not? And yes, "baby steps, baby steps". Haha. Yes!
You are damn good at what you do DR. Thank you for all of your wisdom.
Wys!!!👌👍👊💯💯💯👏👏😁
👍.
JR AM ..... I agree, he certainly is, isn’t he.. .....also he’s so articulate, with an excellent vocabulary. I wish he was a speaker in my ear when I need the words.....
💯
The crazy-making of the narc can make you crazy. It can drive you to do and say things you wouldn’t normally do or say. The difference is a normal person will feel guilty about what they’ve done or said and try to make amends and apologize and mean it. The narc won’t even acknowledge they’ve done anything wrong. They are hard-hearted and unapologetic.
It's easy to reflect some their characteristics back to them, but don't do it. Don't play in their playpen. We are all broken,.use grace in the situation and don't absorb the drama. Keep your light and happiness don't surrender it to others.
Sherri M just makes you dislike yourself and creates regret because you treated a person badly ( regardless of how they treated you) great advice Sherri x
@@dottyp137 thank you dotty,, for your thoughtful reply After sounding off to a loved one, I felt incredibly awful, I felt like I had lowered my self even below him. Because I knew better, I had better role models growing up then he did. The rabbit hole is a deep dark place. I learned I had to choose and handle the stress he was creating in my life differently, or it would eat me alive.
Sherri M yes I heard when u wrestle with a pig u get dirty but the pig actual likes getting dirty
Best comment on here...thanks for reminding us! I have to pray about this...a LOT. i don't want the "bitter roots" to choke my heart.
Tommy 1234 Criscitello 😀😃👍🏿
UPDATE:
I tried what I said below last year. It helped to a point, I stopped trying to chit chat like a normal person. But in the end I had to confront and get mad at the illegal behaviour of this narc. Due to our relationship being a legally contracted one the narc backed off when I pointed out the illegal activity N had done and that I would go to the law next time it happened. Then N got annoyed but backed off totally...
I felt much better for standing my ground for a change. The N is gone now and ended our contract to my benefit!!
ORIGINAL COMMENT:
I started using the 'grey rock' method - be boring and offer nothing extra that would allow a bitchy or dramatic reaction.
AND answering in very concise or one word sentences with no additional information about anything. No small talk about anything you might do normally. Don't even comment on their behaviour being bad if they ask directly, just brush it off lightly. If the fuel to their fire (you getting upset or snappy) is gone, it just dies out. Well for my situation anyway. Let them find somewhere else to get their dramatic responses from!!
I've heard about this method, seems like a good plan. I tried it and it worked for a few weeks, then mum found a new way to start an argument, using my siblings in the row. I was unprepared. Learning about how to protect myself is helping with how I act so right now I'm in hiding! However my tormented and confused feelings are the same. I'm wondering if your Narcissist tried hard to draw you out and how you reacted. Where do you stand now?
@@ninacouser3024 Hi, thanks for asking. It is a process of learning to protect yourself. Failures lead to success. Tick off grey rock as good for one situation but not others.
For me, the GR worked that one time, but next time the N and spouse came to see a property I use of theirs, it was horrible. They harangued me about some legal points we disagreed over. I stood my ground but when their complaints went on I stopped trying to defend myself. Then the N escalated so much, the spouse intervened. I couldn't really use grey rock in that case, it was pointless to continue.
Like you, I'm sort of hiding. I won't meet face to face with them and haven't replied to their four emails since the meeting, even when they upped the ante. Their overbearing, self-righteous style is unpleasant and fruitless. We can email (they know it's on record so write better!) or I'll have someone else do it. Maybe I won't reply and they can take me to court and I'll explain why I didn't...
But I feel stuck because I know any response will be a springboard for abuse.
Perhaps I will do this again:
- A dear old lady told me she used to argue a lot with her mother and one day she just got up and left the room. She had to do it a couple of times and the arguing stopped, for good! I was surprised but tried her trick with my mother - I did stand up and leave when she was being unpleasant and rude and it worked!
It felt a bit weird but it I did it two times. She never went over the same ground again after that. So she got the message and I never said a word about it. Amazing! They can't argue on their own.
Sometimes if you ignore the drama queens they just give up. They poke you for a response but you don't, you do the unexpected and be nice to them they can't handle it and move on. That's my experience.
@@1970brenz Good idea with the emails. I think you're right in that we need an arsenal of defences to stay flexible as the drama could come from any direction!
Earlier today, I decided to take one of my mother's phone calls. I told her not to ecpe t to hear from me for a while, I was suffering anxiety and needed space. She cried and said but you do still love me, don't you?, saying over and over again but it's not because of me, surely! I spoke to my dad, told him I wasn't doing so well with anxiety and I wouldn't visit for a while and his response was, oh I do feel for your mother.
In a way the narcissism is confirmed and I'm glad to have some breathing space. I was able to observe the 10+ forms of emotional burdens she was laying at my feet without feeling guilty or sad. So this is progress. The support from communities like this is invaluable. Thanks for your advice. I'm taking in on board.
Cheers! Nina
@@ninacouser3024 Wonderful! Well done to recognise what they were both doing. Emotional manipulation. They do it because it usually works and they get upset when you don't fall for it anymore, and try to draw you back. But I think a big part of letting go and not feeling pulled into it, is seeing what they are doing and realising you don't need others approval as much as you thought. Not when it's hurting you and they don't care!
I found that in an abusive relationships when I suddenly saw the light, I was suddenly able to mentally step back while the person was talking (at you) and see the games they were playing. It's not about you it's their own damage.
The part that's about us is where we give in to it, let it consume us or worried so much about their feelings not our own, and try to soften the blow. It's better to just slowly change and not defend yourself every time.
Too bad if they get angry, you'll find other support. :)
@@1970brenz Thanks you're so right. I ordered a book called You're not crazy, it's Your Mother! By Danu Morrigan and it certainly has the situation down to a T. So far No Contact is working well for me, and if I feel up to it later I'll go Low Contact. But I'm just sitting with things as they are.
I hope you continue to go from strength to strength. Good luck with your journey onwards!
How is there so much narcissism in the world yet none of us knows anything about it until after we've suffered for years? I think our whole system is entirely narcissistic.
Been thinking this all along. Systems based on pleasing a few narcissists.
My question is how is it possible that there are so many narcissists who are not aware who they are and how destructive they are?
@@northstar5919 I think they know... But they either grew up in such disfunction and have Accepted it as normal or they feel so miserable and atleast inflicting pain on others makes them feel better
I think they don't understand. They don't even think about it in that way. Their rage is like a drug and it gives them a charge of energy, a release and maybe makes them feel alive. A lot of people who practice extreme sports have narcissistic tendencies and they do extreme sports to feel alive.
@@theglen85 I'm the mother of a malignant. I want to say my daughter was raised well and I have just recently been able to name that Thing about her. For years I took all the blame and shame for something that I am not responsible for. Finally I understand that it was Not me who did this to her. It seemed to come on in her early 20s. She is full force now near her 40th year. We are full on No Contact. I saw her in full out destroy mode like never before when she realized I meant business with my new boundaries and my intent to keep them. My heart is broken for her but I cant unlearn what I have come to know. I cant unsee what was displayed right before my very eyes. The blinders came off! I'm still in a bit of shock and want to second guess myself. But I wont! I can not allow such a destructive force into my life. I've worked long and hard to get my in the state of life I'm in. I'm finally happy with me. I'm going to protect my life. I Earned this life and it's worth protecting. Thanks so much for each and everyone who comes here. It's a Blessing and may the Blessing be your indeed!
Absolutely spot on! After feeling like a failure for years, I have realized my brokenness helps me connect with other people who are suffering. God uses broken people to further his kingdom. I'm trying to retrain my thinking. Instead of berating myself for how I've struggled, I'm starting to ask God how I use my experience to help other people. I've always thought I felt things too deeply and got hurt as a result, but it has manifested as compassion for others.
Eileen Kilgore this is so beautiful! The lord is my Rock and without Him I would never be were I am now! And the great thing is that God works His greatest of miracles in the weakest of people! That’s why we should boast in our infirmities! I wish you all the best! God bless you on your journey. 🙏❤️
Run for your life in the opposite direction! Focus on healing yourself, sometimes literally as time with a narcissist can affect your physical and mental health to extremes. I was always a healthy person until I tangled with a narc for nine years and ended up developing breast cancer. I feel very strongly there was a connection due to the emotional battery and vindictive treatment I received after the breakup. RUN people RUN!!!!!
dr. carter knows his stuff.
Right on point, almost biblical..
The “lack of empathy” which you identified as a trait of narcissists was very enlightening for me.
Realising that not only that they don't care but they never cared was enlightening...
So right they lack empathy straight out.
My father was dying with cancer and i was waiting for the phone call to come to say he had passed away.
While i stayed up all night praying for dad my husband went to bed for his night sleep.
At 4.30am the call came dad had died.
I sat alone crying for my father.
My husband wasn't even by my side.
That showed me who i was really married to.
A pure NARCISSISTS.
I absolutely love the integrity and kindness conveyed in your communication style. Thank you for sharing your knowledge and wisdom with those of us who truly benefit from it.
The narc did bring out my brokenness, that is the reason why I was with a narc in the first place. This has ended up being a blessing in disguise because I have always has a strong desire to do things well, to heal and to be who God made me to be. It took a lot of prayer and seeking God, but in the end I will be a much better version of me. The pain made me seek for that buried treasure and never give up.
WRH good for you. Well done.
yes same here. and although it was the most painful thing i’d ever experienced being with a psychopathic narcissist for 20 years, it has been a blessing in disguise for me too. it broke me changed me shattered me and now a new me is growing. every day is a day to be thankful for now. many blessings to you.
@My Fair Lady Making printouts of that scripture to put on the wall of my home! Just beautiful and so true!
@@Alpinewild444 Praying for you. I am reading a book called Suffering by Paul David Tripp it really talks about the true purposes of God in our suffering. It is so hard to understand apart from trust in Christ, so grateful and thankful that my eyes have been opened, otherwise bitterness, resentment and anger would have settled in my heart and destroyed me. God is so good and no doubt He has walked with me every step of the way. Nothing compares to the walk that has developed because of the suffering.
WRH thank you very much. i will for the book.
"Brokenness" is an apt description - I always worry when i defend my boundaries and get mad or overly vigilant i am taking on narcissism myself and that the inner emptiness they demonstrate has finally infected me... it's one of the worst parts. I think these steps are realistic and important to call up after abusive episodes and reactions.
I’m still working on self acceptance. Better every day. This is so helpful! 🙏
Awe! you're such a sweetheart! I heard someone say just last month, here it is exactly>>>> " No one can love us like we love our self. If we're waiting on some
knucklehead to show us our worth, we may be waiting a minute" Think about that Dee. No one is more worthy than "you" to raise you up. You alone hold the authority and the insight to walk in dignity.
OceanSound100 😊 So true!
@@deeh5048 Yes it is! That was a magic awaking for me when I heard that.
It clearly means that "we" are the only ones worthy of defining our self.
No one else does. You hold the power, Dee. Take it and believe it. Just a note, I suffered from self-acceptance all my life because I gave the power to my family to define who I am. No more. It took a long time but i did it.
It's almost a given that you end up being a different person than you were before you had a relationship with a narc. The more intimate, the longer the relationship, the more broken you become.
Nancy Luckhurst it’s so sick. I just want to be healed and the x narc to disappear
@@Healingarts939 I hear you. I really do.
Even my narc husband said that to my narc son. They know what they are doing.
You can learn from it. Listen to this man he is very good. What is triggered in your soul? Feeling of not enough? Not worthy? That needs to be worked on and healed. It was there before the narcissists came into your life. He or she just pushed those buttons
Or the longer time spent incarcerated before acquittal
Thank you so much for the help you provide through the content of your videos, you have probably helped more people than you realize.
I agree with you 100%! From one broken person to another Thank you dr. Les Carter from the bottom of my heart
He is my hero after he so simply described me in his book almost as if he knew me and my broken self to the t. Had this only been available in 1980 my reality might be a little bit different. Wisdom in terms using his old fashioned simple horse sense he is a Texan that's making Texas and Texan's a fine example to be proud of. Finding his channel has been like the sanity and truth and reality I am slowly developing each time I listen to his calm and relaxed telling the story seemingly about you. I could never be thankful enough for my limited ability and vocabulary. Dr. C you and Gus are the team. Thank you for your time and help.
This makes a lot of sense to me. As someone who feels like a 'fixer' and 'helper' it's hard sometimes to recognize that even my best fixing job can't put a broken person back together, both because that's an unrealistic task and because I'm broken too. I can change me, but I can't change someone else. Thanks Dr. Carter, your videos are so helpful.
Beautifully stated, Jen. And I've learned you can love someone but you don't have to be with them. Sometimes you have to love from a distance.
And because they have such a strong resistance to anyone who wants to help
I learned to let go and let God handle it. We do not know how many days we have left on this earth...I will not waste another second trying to help someone who really does not want help, just wants to keep me around as their "cheerleader" and personal verbal & emotional punching bag... nah..done with that.
I respect me💜
It reminds me of alcoholics and the first step is they have to acknowledge the problem of alcoholism if they want to solve the problem. The narcissists don't see a problem - some might even say they are a narcissist, but they don't think that's a problem. Even though if there was a copy of them they would hate the copy and attack them.
Jen this was something I struggled with my whole life! I have now finally accepted the fact that I can only change myself. It really is an illusion to believe that we have the power to change others. We can hardly change our own stupid habits! 😂 at least we are self aware! ❤️
I AM broken. It hurts so much! I hurt so much. I feel like so much of ME has been stifled. Where am I? Why have I lost all of the ambition and drive I had? I let my love, my soul be burglarized. My boys need that. I NEED me back.
Lk S omg that’s how I felt ..... and when I tired to start feeling good maybe by taking care of myself or simply putting lip gloss he would turn it around on me and accuse me of putting lip gloss on for someone else ... I’ve been doing this for years now ... first 8 months were love bombs then we married the last 8 years have been a tornado
I feel the same! Don’t know who I am anymore.
3yrs of learning my self worth through videos,praying and therapy has helped me get through my brokenness. I still feel off balance at times but like he said in the video. Focus on your positive self encouraging,loving and supporting others. I will be praying you sista just know your not alone.
Lk S if I would have known years ago what really was going on in my home I kept thinking it's going to get better but it never did my boys grew up being narcissist because it's learned behavior oh my gosh I always feel if I could have just gone back in time I get out of there if I knew to put my finger on what the situation was really about and he was a problem but he always made you feel like it was you that's problem
Try not to be critical of yourself, or of your current lack of ambition and drive, your energy will come back. At first, and for a good while, it hurts like crazy, but then it gets better. If you can, do some of the things that you find "yummy" that remind you that life can be good -- for me, vigorous physical exercise really helped, over time... if you can be nice to yourself, that will also help your kids.
Mine broke me and now his control is gone and he is breaking.
Calm.1
Same with me. I felt for 30 years that I could fade into the wallpaper and it wouldn't be noticed. I never reacted to his temper tantrums, not cowardly just because I would be having a conversation with myself that is if I could even get a word in. I went to bed always by 10 pm as he chain smoked and I could not longer breathe. He wanted to do marriage guidance when I told him I was divorcing him. What? I had nothing more to give and after 30 years of marriage he actually walked to the kitchen sink, I asked him what he was doing and he said he was trying to make amends. That man hadn't lifted a cup to the sink, let alone wash up. That was 19 years ago and I have a good life with a special man and at first I couldn't believe that I was treated like I was worth kindness and shown affection but first you have to where up to the fact that a narcissus is not going to change and that you are worth so much more than this sham of a relationship. Even if I hadn't met another man I would have chosen to live alone.
They know they are problematic, and say things like “that’s just how I am”
Drew D so true!!!!
They don’t seem to understand that the way they say and do things is hurtful to others. Crazy!!!!
Only if they ever admit that they are doing something odd or wrong, and that's rarely the case.
And in a very proud manner.
This is so near what I get: " That's just me". Great to know I'm not alone in finding this attitude VERY annoying.
Some people will never be nice to you,
or even fair, and it has very little
to do with who you are.
It may sometimes be a difficult concept
to understand, but it's the truth.
There are people who want you to be responsible
for something that you are not supposed
to be responsible for.
This comment! Wow. Thank you for writing that
THEY JUST DONT CARE,PEOPLE WHO ARE BROKEN TO THE CORE LIKE NARCS DONT CARE FOR OTHERS,THEY ARE NOT ABLE TO CARE
You've just described my mother to a tee. After she destroyed my career, it took me 10 years to recover and recreate everything I had lost. I went very, very low contact with her, but recently have reconnected on a superficial level. She still acts like a victim and has a 'woe is me' attitude. I struggled for years with my godly beliefs of 'honoring your mother and father' to that of loving myself enough to distance myself from someone who was abusing me. I was conflicted for years. I looked to God, and over time He lessened the pain I was experiencing. At this point, I wish my mother the very best but feel no obligation to establish a deep relationship with her. We're done. I receive my love and encouragement from Jesus and the Father.
Amen. Without God , I dont know how id handle my mother in law
MIFNP - am in same situation. BTW the commandment about honour your morher and father was written for the jews to stop the practice of corban where they pledge their assets to the temple and don't financially help their parents in old age. Its not about what church christianity says. I grappled with this like you then asked my soul for guidance. Decided i will honour myself and go no contact. She wants me at arms length. I get that from a friend but not good enough from a mother. I found Jesus too and He saved my sanity. I owe Jesus my life.
MIFNP
Get out of my head 😳. Boy I’d love to talk to you for some tips. I’m in a living hell and trapped in it with no way out except in a body bag. Seriously
Yes someone said honouring can mean you make sure they are taken care of but you don't have to physically or emotionally be the one to do that. So you haven't totally abandoned them, but you accept the limits. That idea helped me a lot. You still honour but in a different way. I think God understands it very well. :)
Narcs are really good at stealing the role of god and making their families worship their needs to the exclusion of everything one else including yourself. It was life changing when I realized that broken brained selfish idiot that is my mother who can’t make a correct decision to save her life...is not a valid resource for anything. Boundaries are so much easier to enforce once caring about what they approve of evaporates.
Hi Doc, Love to hear an episode about the NARC's constant need for external validation i.e. the external validation junkie. If I wasn't blowing sunshine up my narcs hind end 24/7 I was just miserable and made to be a horrible person. Trying to please a perpetually dissatisfied person is exhausting. Thanks for what you do! Much Love
This one helps so much towards self-acceptance and hope. It seems like a kind of 'judo', where the force of accusations can be converted into the power to change. Many thanks again!
You mean ALL of them?
@Borg Ward It's difficult to understand because normal people don't do that.
I think it's because they actually know they are not superior, but putting others down allows them to feel superior- which is necessary for them to survive.
Sounds similar to trying to please a pwBPD, nothing fills that empty bucket either. Mine was BPD with NPD tendencies.
@Borg Ward Because they feel like such a piece of garbage, that putting us down makes them stand a little bit higher in their own mind. I wish they would just heal instead!
Face their pain and although it hurts for a while they will be free of it once they do. Grieve, rage and forgive and you will move on. God please, help them, no one else can.
I agree, there is no substitute for being honest with yourself and admitting your own weaknesses - without self flagellation. It really is key to personal growth, and like Dr Carter said, there is a certain strength in admitting your weaknesses.
I agree! We're only human, and everyone messes up and fails from time to time. We just need to learn from these experiences. I'm afraid I've fallen into the "self-flagellation" syndrome, but at least I'm aware of it!
I left my narcissist wife last fall. It took me many attempts to break off with her. It made me feel really weak and powerless to be with her. I am feeling A LOT better now. I just need to figure out how to keep narcs out of my life.
Len Peters I have been putting more effort into educating myself on what parts of myself I have to change in order to not attract these Types of people. And if I do I arm myself with knowledge of their typical behavior. I also remind myself that there are amazing people in the world!!!! ❤️ and that means we should never give up on people. Good luck to you and God bless
So needed to hear this. The shame I have dealt with from my own brokenness is what has been leading me into several Narcissist relationships after having grown up with a Narcissist mother. This last relationship opened my eyes to the areas I needed to heal and came to terms during the process that it is definitely what makes me who I am and has actually led my to my life passion and for that I am so grateful. This was the most needed piece of the puzzle - knowing that it was ok to have brokenness. THANK YOU
Well said, keep moving forward. 💝
Donna so happy to hear this! 🙏❤️
So happy for you, Donna!! I had narc parents and could relate! My brokenness comes out when I'm around a narc. I found my passion early in life but I didn't have the confidence to stick with it and make the effort. Now I don't blame myself anymore.
For years I felt hollow in this current relationship until I found a book regarding verbal abuse and it talked about Narcissism. Once I read the description and the tactics they use, I felt so much better. I was not crazy!! The gaslighting, lies and his inattention to me while not allowing me to live any joy.
It started with contempt and getting an STD 6 months after marriage, and from there built. It’s now 32 years later and my Gynecologist told me the lab didn’t get it wrong which is what his defense was at the time. In the news that year, was articles about the accuracy of lab tests. He took that story and ran with it. Anyway, he told me last week he hasn’t loved me for 32 years and he cannot, or will not, tell me why. For all I know, he could be gay because there have been times I’ve seen and heart comments about other men. Once I found out about this disorder, the description fit perfectly and I found out how incredibly strong I am as a person.
Mine was gay. He gave me an STD while I was pregnant & my daughter was born with mental retardation & several deformities.
I love this therapist so much. He is so blessed by God ! Hallelouya Thank you Jesus !
Lune Miel I agree, he is kind and funny as he dispenses the truth and enlightens me to what’s going on that is painful 😣, but I find myself chuckling too.
He has a uplifting spirit and he likes dogs so he’s got to be a good guy.
I wish I were as calm and peaceful as Gus.
@@pamelavirnoche9573 I know sweety pie. I can relate to what you are saying. I always believed those who are animal lovers and who takes care of them are from God. I know the pain .. My mom is a narcissist and I went no contact not too long ago. Of course, she went no contact first but I decided not to go back when she tried to come back in my life because she was already just criticizing me and making lies. What buffles me is she lies while knowing me and her both know they are lies. I will never get it other than they are the seed of the devil and that hurts me so much more. I still pray for her but I have little hope based on what I have observed so far. I know God is a God of miracles and He has done some real miracles in my life and Has made the impossible possible but it's almost like I feel like she is beyond repentance. But I'll let God decide that one. God is good. He provides for us in so many ways. His provisions are more than basic necessities. He really cares about us. God bless you dear one. Sending you love and peace from Jesus Christ who loves you ! 💕 🙏 ✝
Lune Miel Thank you, I'm
sorry 💔 for what you have gone through.
I have a very similar situation to what you have expressed and I attract that kind of men to marry and seem to become entangled with people that show up with those traits and attitudes.
I realize I'm learning about my Codependency and enmeshment issues and childhood trauma issues.
I know God is helping me and will bring healing. He's not just zapping me and removing the pain but walking me through it with others that are wise and others that are also suffering and seeking to understand and make healthy changes in their lives and relationships too.
It's a process, but God is with me and helping me and I get to encourage others along the way.
I get to see my own character flaws and weaknesses too, and work to remove or minimize them.
A new awareness is present and a greater realization of my need for Jesus.
I can definitely claim that I am a kind person and have a lot of empathy for others.
Truth is we are all broken, even the narcissistic people.
That's who Jesus came to save, the broken.
After all it is sick that need a physician.
He is our Great Physicisn.🙏🏽
@@pamelavirnoche9573 same here sister ! Funny we have a similar testimony ! Sometimes I wonder what the deal is with the seed of cain.... I have seen God glory lots of evidence but my mom.... Even though I prayed and still pray, her heart only softens for a little bit if God is giving me a provision He wants me to have. Other than that, it is like, God how long will it take ? Oh Lord I love you sweet Lord and Savior. I hope if anything she will repent on her death bed but hopefully sooner.
Lune Miel Yes, so can relate .
My mom has deep depression and can’t talk about anything vulnerable or be close.
Super judgmental and condemning.
It’s sad and it’s toxic and it’s implied that family is responsible to just take the abuse and feel sorry for her and work to make her feel better no matter that her words and actions tear down and wound.
What I’ve come to realize is it’s her toxic shame that gets put on others, especially family due to enmeshment and expectations.
It’s both confusing and I feel angry and defensive and as though it’s my job to fix it all and make her happy and feel better.
Then of course I feel guilty when I put space between us or implement boundaries.
She sees boundaries as attacks and as punitive.
Her behaviors resonate with the covert narcissists character traits.
She’s often makes the claim that others outside the family treat her better than her family , yet she fails to see how she mistreats her family and puts up a false front to others outside of it.
Then the other thing she says over and over is that she hates the number three.
Well guess what , she has three children.
She’s also a master at triangulation. My head hurts .......
I’m working on myself , and realize I can’t change her.
I do pray for her and feel so sad for her and her deep depression and at times her despair .
I can’t fix her and it’s not my job to.
It’s the balance of honoring and loving her, but not getting entangled in her toxic web .
Grieving the mother and close loving and trusting relationship I’ve always hungered for and never have had.
Walking that line between Truth and Grace.
🙏🏻God help me! Jesus help me.!
Wow! I'm going to watch this one again and again. The stein story got to me. The contrast between a healthy person accidentally breaking something and feeling such remorse, and in the case of my narcissist, deliberately destroying things in rage or for no apparent reason, and showing absolutely no evidence of remorse. Dr. Carter, will you please address how to overcome the affects survivors experience, such as, in my case, depression, isolation, anxiety... .Thank you for what you're doing to help us.
Yep!! The anxiety, isolation and depression. 😞
On a different channel Thomas Hall offers a huge variety of videos with positive affirmations in the forms of hypnosis, sleep hypnosis, subliminal affirmations, binaural beats and flash screens on a range of topics. I use them nearly 24/7 and in five months I've gone from despairing confused and hopeless to empowered and feeling ready to take on the entire VA system, let alone one weak and vengeful covert narc that has controlled my life for a decade and a half. There is also a handful of videos on the PTSD recovery science of self-administered E.M.D.R. (eye movement desensitization reprogramming) which helps disconnect the emotional trauma of bad memories. You don't forget what happened you just don't relive the trauma each time you remember it. Good luck and don't forget that you are still you. You are strong enough to escape and you deserve to be happy.
I am so sorry your losses. Having your personal possessions intentionally destroyed especially if they held sentimental value, is a form of domestic violence.
All of us have broken moments but I can’t let that stop my growth. I’ve been practicing self forgiveness and acceptance for having broken moments. These sessions have been so helpful for me. Thanks Doc.
Absolutely brilliant work Dr C. So important to move the focus off the narc and into Self where we can celebrate our gifts and try to learn to use them more wisely. Love the way you put things so succinctly. And bullet point key points. Thank you Sir. Your work has been more helpful than anything else in this journey.
Well said!
When does a relationship stop being a relationship.
Requests for communication denied, or worse, you are threatened with abandonment, or treated to rage if you open your mouth again to request communication.
The Narcissist informs you that Love for you doesn't factor when it stands between you and the Narcissist getting what they want at your expense
The Narcissist informs you that you are a Nothing, a Nobody without their voice and face and therefore hurting you is justified nothing personal just business, Because only they matter, only their needs matter, only their happiness matters.
You express your needs to talk about the abuse occurring and the Narcissist gives you the Silent treatment for years, waiting for you to call in order to have the upper hand, which would allow status quo to continue on the Narcissists terms.
Stephanya Lisova absolutely
It's still a relationship, but an unhealthy one.
I have done those blunders
@Sophia L. Bingo!!!
Stephanya Lisova omg! Stephanya Bravo!!! well said ❤
Yep. I am broken. Now I know it. I'm doing okay with it.
The World Keeps On Spinning.
I'm okay with ME
It's amazing how such a short video can change a whole perspective and make us see things under a different light! I am a broken person and with time, I have learned that it's not the number of falls that count but getting up afterwards and try again. Narcissists are broken and stay fallen and refuse to get up. That's the difference! And anyone around them that did get up are being dragged down again and forced to stay down there so the narcissists can feel better about themselves. This is life-changing for me!
There is a tendency to repeat the past, to find someone who repeats what you suffered as a child. For some it is hard to let go of the person who is punishing you because he/she usually represents a narcissistic, abusive parent . Will power and talking to someone can help. The advice Les Carter gives is really appreciated! I listen over and over again. Such relationships worsen your self esteem. Get all the support you can to get away.
Thanks Les .Accepting our flaws and weaknesses is being kind to ourselves, and not feeling it necessary to be "Perfect". What a relief!!
I gained benefit from your videos everyday...
I am puzzled about my narcissist.. I have no idea how they got broken...
I have watched them shatter year after year..
They get worse all the time..
I just do not understand why they choose to live in isolation.. they push Love Away.. I just do not understand..
The more you love and the more people love you is what makes the world go around..
But my narcissist wants to be isolated and they prefer not having anyone love them..
It's so very very sad
I know that I am broken. 😞 So many people in my life that I tried to defend myself against. It never worked. Has only gotten me in deeper. Unfortunately, I lost my late husband of 20 years. He was able to help me turn things around. To believe in myself, etc. But now that he is gone, I am vulnerable. Very hard to explain. He was my best friend. One who I could talk honestly to and not be judged. One that I trusted with advice. One who would talk to me straight up because he loved and liked me. People just aren't this real anymore!!
You might be surprised to find that there are many healthy people in the world. Probably some close enough to become friends with. I healthy person doesn't need to denigrate others in order to feel good. Just try getting to know a few people around you but don't open yourself up too much until you get to know them a little. If someone you're not very attached or vulnerable to yet is too critical or shows a few other danger signs like being high conflict or insulting toward you or others you will still be in a position to easily walk away from forming a relationship before you've developed an emotional attachment. If you find yourself getting involved in one unhealthy friendship after another you probably need to take a long hard look into yourself to find out what it is inside you that's attracting toxic relationships. It could be something as simple as low self esteem or some sort of insecurity. It could be a fear developed due to the bad relationship in your past or you might need finish mourning your husband before you can move on. I'm very sorry for your loss and really hope you'll find some rewarding friendships.
@@leealexander3507 I will never stop mourning for my husband. Trust me, people just aren't that real anymore. People are lovers of themselves!!
@@ontoyoualways9183 I've become friends with a few very good people and aquanted with several, some much nicer than others. While it's true that people are often quite busy with a lot on their plates there are plenty of good ones out there. For some reason, probably your previous life experience, you seen to be attracting all the wrong ones. Get involved in an activity you enjoy and you will probably find some like minded people who are nice enough.
Ontoyou Always I am so sorry for your loss. ❤️
Dr. Carter, bless you for making these videos. The videos are extremely helpful. This one was perfect timing as I was just cornered by the narc and devalued, blamed, shamed, gaslighted in a fit of their rage. I collapsed like a house of cards during this and was so upset with myself afterward that I didn’t hold my ground.
R blue dont feel bad. I "argue" for a living basically in my profession... yet i cannot argue my way out of a paper bag with my narc mother. She seems to always,win
. So, im no contact. Im still mad at myself for caving in to her for 40++ yrs, tho.
It is a special kind of evil skill they have to reduce us to ashes in their midst. No matter HOW strong we are otherwise. Do not blame yourself. The trauma and pain they induce so purposely (even if it is instinctively unconscious on their part) is a potent force to reckon with. We with strong willed, common sense and compassionate selves cannot comprehend such actions. This is why we fold. The cognitive dissonance of it all. And the profound betrayal. I don't want to EVER "understand" it. I wish to always be appalled by it...but with a wiser understanding so that it doesn't bring me to my knees again in the way that it did the first time I encountered such a person. Live, learn and grow.
@@flutefun999 great response.
I think having a narc PARENT do this to a an adult child, tho, makes it 100 times worse....the cog diss, plus the sheer abject betrayal, both of which u refer to, renders me, personally, apoplectic in the face of any argument or discussion with my my narc mother...i keep thinking ( or, kept thinking, as, im no contract now), *why* are u acting this way towards me, when i dont deserve this kind of treatment from you??
It was just a ruinous cycle with her, if i could put it that way... it ruined me every time i spoke with her. Her " come from" was always so left field, to my thinking, that i found myself pulling punches verbally, punches i would otherwise be able to easily make... not that i wanted to verbally spar with her.no, that's the whole point.. everything, i mean everything with her, got reduced to a verbal sparring match... and over the stupidest stuff ...and that seems doubly unnatural, when its your own mother, ur parent who is supposed to build you up or at very least not constantly tear you down...
well anyway. im no contact. It was the only way to save what was left of my life, as im late 50s now ... but better late than never.
TheHotCoffeeHouse bless you
flutefun999 excellent advice thank you.
I needed this! Living with a narcissist isn’t always easy.
Whew!!! Needed to hear this today! Thank you and God Bless you!!! Divorcing this man....he moved away and I am sooooooo grateful!! Now I can LIVE!!! Hes an actor/hypocrite!!! I want no more of him. Thank you Lord!🙏
I watched it again and I've realized this - I was married for 43.5 years to a Malignant Narcissist " Humpty Dumpty ", too broken to be put back together again. I'll watch it again.
Dawn Bailey you are never too broken to turn to the Lord! 🙏❤️ I wish you all the best! I got to the lowest point in my life we’re everything fell apart. I turned to God and slowly but surely he is healing me! What is impossible for man is not impossible with God. 🙏
Never give up Hope! ❤️
Dear Dr. Carter, I think you are brilliant! I am 75 years old, spent 50 years in New York and returned eight years ago to my native Germany. My downstairs neighbor in a two family house is a narcissist. Her helpfulness was initially wonderful, as I needed help in furnishing my apartment and finding my way around. But from the beginning, she was rude, smug, controlling, insulting. She wanted to be my friend, called me her girl-friend. She never cut the mustard. First, I realized her helpfulness was a way to control. Then I realized she wore a mask. Then that every discussion is a competition, etc. etc. I worked at understanding her, slowly, painfully. I worked at my responses to her. I still do. She is a great neighbor, will drive me to the airport at any time, including 4:00 a.m. I don't want to lose that, but I must protect my soul, mind and emotions from her insanity. Then I found your videos on TH-cam. What a relief! I don't have to reinvent the wheel! You've done it! I am studying two of your books, and will continue with the videos. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
Thanks for these good words, and for sharing your story. So pleased to be with you there in Germany. Dr. C
Dr Les, any chance you could talk about Complex PTSD and PTSD? The second most valuable thing I learned besides finding out about NPD was that my own brokenness has a name, which is a big help in the healing. Thank you for another excellent video.
I love the fact to accept yourself as broken.. keep going forward. Love yourself.
Something isn't right!! This is well explained! Thanks so much for this!!
Thank you so much for helping the sick feeling in my stomach, the anxiety, the fear to calm down when she is around or doing things that exasperate me wondering what I did wrong in raising her.
@Moogie B "sorry you feel that way" as I walk off
They've been sabotaging my health.
That's exactly what they do! My mom died as a result of narcissistic abuse. I am the scapegoat. My very narcissistic dad has gone as far as going to my doctors, making appointments for himself and using them to smear me. He wants to try to get doctors to fire me as a patient. He tried to get me fired from a job and that didn't work. but it is starting to backfire on him because doctors now telling me that they know what he's about. And to stay away from him.
Thats what they do. A 4 year relationship, cost 20 years of pain. Im only just emerging into the light now.
Stop allowing that. You said it, it's your health.
Sometimes they sabotage it by inducing psychosomatic symptoms. Sometimes they sabotage your health directly by poisoning you. Or by injuring you in some way. The truly malignant ones are often killers.
@@dianefarley37 that's scary
I'm mining the trove of your work, excellent material. Thanks!
Pleased!
In my experience, that is one of the key differences between those who have unfortunately become narcissistic in the way they relate to others and those who have not .. those who have not do enjoy the experience of empowering others, but narcissists just get angry if they see others growing in internal strength and so feel the need to knock them down (it becomes almost an imperative with them to do so). They have no nurturing instincts.
No nurturing...save the golden child and flying monkeys...
Thanks to this gentleman's knowledge and kind empathy that we have some enlightenment on narcissism and the living hell they are inflicting on their supposedly loved ones.
If it weren't for people like you, we would have eaten their toxic baits and believed their faulty perception of us.
Keep me in your prayers, dealing with narcissists comorbid with borderlines which escalates the drama, and gives more room to their victim mode with their violence, terrible accusations, screaming and shame trapping. I wish they seeked healing instead of purging their darkness and evil on the warriors of light.
And lastly, I quote:
"Don't wrestle with the pig, it wastes your time and the pig enjoys it"!
Love that quote. Dr. C
I'm pleased to be along with YOU on Surviving Narcissism! Thanks for all the great info, Doc!
Dr.Carter, I have recently been following your videos. Everthing is making sense other than how to make the exit plan. If children are involved there's no clean exit and it predisposes itself in one form or another..any advice on where as victims we can go to get ourselves up again to make informed decisions.
Silence, secretive, withdrawn, emptiness, operating on a false front, an unnatural smugness, shunning and the list goes on. I tried so hard to appease the brokenness in the narc. And yes, in the end it was my fault. I’m healthy and happy Now.
Wow! Your words summed up the person exactly as what they were doing to me. I was never blamed though! He never talked! Just the fog of silence and never shared verbally.
In deep hurt I would try to justify myself that I am not the horrible things that I am accused of most of the time now I just withdraw in this situation into my own self . No matter how much I know those accusations are the opposite of the truth it still hurts and belittles. I take myself to my own corner and yes I am broken, very very broken and have to fight the shame of the things you are accused of even though I know they are false. Thankyou for your help
Brigid Mahon try laughing in their face. Even if it’s not really what you feel.
@@M_SC I would not try that if you're in a relationship with them as you will only be shamed,belittled,blamed & loudly at that so that everyone can hear it,made to appear as "the problem," rage will definitely come your way,both emotional as well as physical,you will be called the "most profane names" that you've ever heard. They will do things purposely that they "know" will break your "already broken" spirit & without a care & with "eyes of steel & a heart of stone." There's absolutely "no" limits to how they'll cross boundaries as if it were nothing & you were nothing. They will truly "drain the life" out of you in vengeful ways they use to get what they want. If you don't cater to what they want & right away,you will suffer "all" of the things I've just mentioned & worse if it turns physical. Then you'll hear "I'm sorry," until they do it again which could be an hour from the time they said they were sorry as they weren't truly sorry at all because sorry is "only a word" to them to get back into your good graces & they truly truly truly don't really mean it. Because if they were truly sorry,you'd know it,you'd feel it,yet this is who they are & nothing nor anyone can change them except themselves & they're unwilling to do this as it takes away their control through your fears,yes,they control through fear leaving you even more broken,isolated & with no one to talk to as you're riding "their" emotional roller coaster that goes up & down & round & round because they also get rid family & your friends one by one until you're alone & depending on them alone,this is their "trick," to get control over you. No,laughing in their face Will only "add" to your pain.
Leeanne Newman for some situations I agree completely. But others not. It depends. Anyway much goodwill towards you it sounds like you’ve suffered a lot.
@@M_SC Much Gratitude for your kind thoughts,as I have & still am suffering as I try to break free yet he won't go,won't leave me be,shows up where he knows I'll be. Then charms his way in as if nothing occurred,& ill be standing there when i see him in total disbelieve as i'd made it clear i didn't want to play his sick mind games anymore nor deal with the "come out of nowhere" raging when he can't get what he wants from me,or if i dont do what he requires me to do & the way he wants me to do it,yet I already know it's all a facade & just for me. Even my finances have been taken advantage of by this person & enough is enough yet "I care too much" & this is my downfall over & over again. I'm an empath so there's so much more stress there within me as I try to deal with this person,the father of my five children (one passed in 1995)of over 31 years. I never knew this sort of behavior held a name (narcissism) yet now that i do know,I'm watching & learning all that I'm able that I can combat these attacks on me as this is as a war.
@@leeannenewman8791 remember what Oprah said (whether or not you like her): "charming "is a verb, its a thing they do to you. Not a nice thing! You're under a spell, it confuses your perceptions, corrupts your feelings. But you can control your physical body. move your muscles, move around touch your toes, touch your opposite ears, do weird stuff to break the spell.
Thank U For Sharing
Great Video My Experience With A
An Overt Narcissists The Worse Horrible Abuse Ever It Was Constant Belittling Demands Narcissists Love The Idea Of Having U In A Perpetual State Of Fear. So That They Can Continue Have Power Over You
Demetria Gaines
The COVERT is much worse, you’ll never see it coming...
Hyg44 Gu
So Very True
Many thanks. I have purchased your book " when pleasing you is hurting me "
At 35 I just realized I may have had/ have a narcissistic mother that just enabled our 16 year old daughter to come live with her against our permission.
It hurts and it's difficult to try and navigate all this.
I am very grateful for this content.
Sick of being right or wrong
........just want peace ❤️
Thank you Dr. Carter. I observe the world around me becoming more Narcissist centered or broken and appreciate the balance of your common sense approach!
Yes! Seems to actually be the case and not a false impression. Yikes! Help us all!!
Whoever the son set's free is free indeed. I've been set free nearly two years. Hallelujah.
Once you understand the person is not on the same planet LET THEM GO EMOTIONALLY!!!!!!!💔💔💔💔
Outstanding information and so well presented. Thank you!
Thank you. I agree wholeheartedly. I'm Broken. I've been broken. I'm okay with my broken. Without laying blame, his broken is Kryptonite to my broken. I am at Peace. 😊
there is a healthy anger that is positive and healing and facilitates setting a boundary
thank you another excellent video
Your videos have helped me. I still deal with my ex narcissistic due to children. It’s not easy that feeling of fear is so overwhelming at times. Especially the harsh words of blaming me and them not understanding a court order. All I know is recognizing myself and my actions and not letting that fear take over after all the years of living it is so encouraging for myself. Self awareness is the start your own actions and learning to control yourself makes the biggest change. I would not wish this on anyone. These people without self awareness of their narcissism will never change.
You, Dr. Carter, with your understanding, knowledge, wisdom, and warmth have saved my life. Literally, not just figuratively.. Within the darkest hour of a narcissist's grip, some divine force pointed the way to you. Forever grateful for your life-saving wisdom.
Cheers Doc,
Wish you’d been around 20 years ago, before I spent a decade of my life drinking myself into a hole. It got so bad that my narcissist mother had me convinced I was the narcissist. It was not until my wonderful, beautiful wife, who survived an highly abusive (physical, mental, etc.), told me I was the kindest person she had ever known. That one statement from a loving spouse finally turned off the “gas”. Being broken sucks, but it is fixable. Being a narcissist is a self-imposed life sentence.
You get it! Thanks for these words! Dr. C
See also: "Do as I say, not as I do!" "I'm sorry you feel that way!" "I was worried about you!" and/or "I didn't think those people were right for you!"
You really helped me a lot. You know if you dont post something like this I will never understand whats happening on me thankyou so much sir!
Speaking of broken people, who would have any cause to give this video a negative vote? The only downside I can see is that Gus didn’t make an appearance. 🥰
Thank you so much. The narcs never grow.
this was very helpful. ...now I understand why I keep wondering if I am the narcissist.
Lala Wawa - I find myself wondering also. It’s very confusing.
I’ve looked at myself too. But wondering if you are a narc is proof you are not bc narcs really don’t care enough to look at themselves.
This is how you get to know one’s self. And grow as an individual. Spot on!
I absolutely love your message Dr. Carter and am reading your book "Let's Talk About Me". I am learning so much and am so grateful for your wisdom.
As always a great video! I would like to also say that these people are essentially liars. They lie constantly and sometimes if you know this it can help, as you can see that they will lie to push your buttons and to manipulate you-and once you see this you realize just how weirdly dependent they are on you and your reactions to them and see the power dynamic for what it is. You are in control. This makes it easier to leave, at least it did for me.
This might be the most relevant video to my current life circumstances. I'm at the stage where I've found a lot of people that I feel comfortable opening up to and sharing my struggles with. As you mentioned, I had this "aha moment" where it just suddenly hit me what having authentic friendships is alla about. I truly felt a sense of belonging with that group.
Moreover, I've continously struggled with identifying myself as the narcissist. At the very least, I've recognized some toxic traits in myself that could very well be interpreted as narcissistic. As such, it feels very comforting that you tell us to accept ourselves as broken people. The difference between me and a toxic person is that I'm accountable to my mistakes and I'm willing to learn from them.
So pleased you are figuring it out, and that I get to be along on your journey with you! Dr. C
What a relief! I don't need to feel ashamed or made to feel bad at my brokenness anymore. Hooray!
Narcs always blame and avoid responsibility. My other half is judgmental always telling me the right course of action, if I share anything. Sometimes it's to make conversation. So it backfires. It has made me more alert and so I think twice before mentioning anything. I'm not asking for her opinion or advice. So less is more for me as I cannot be controlled by her as to how I should behave and live.
Accepting your own humanity. Wow. Thank you. Didn't know it's allowed, being raised by a narcissistic father, and married to a narcissistic wife for 20 years.
Hitting the nail on the head as you always do, Dr. Carter. You're pointing out also how unfixable these people are. We're HUMAN! Less than perfect! I understand the dynamics enough to know the sickest among us CAN'T accept their OWN HUMANITY and go on to live a life of peace. I do get it. It just doesn't make it easier to live with it or watch what it's done to others around me. Ones who haven't sought therapy. Ones who don't educate themselves. I've been taught Patience. I've been taught there's NO SENSE in trying to CONTROL anyone or anything but ME! It's been a long journey. I know where I'm gonna end up when my flesh is no more. A forever Blessing I know that is mine. The saddest thing to me is understanding through our Father's Word, what those broken ones have given up, if they don't repent. Narcissists can rage, damage, and hurt other people. But they can never take away the most Precious of all Gifts. Because they can never take away our will to make that choice. Praise God for that at the end of the day.
While listening to the good doctor I found parallels within my family setting. The male figure in my life, my father, displays many grand NPD characteristics.and from a early age i picked up survival techniques to help keep me sane as I live in his altered version of reality. the parts that resonated with me was the idea of being broken and how being around a narc can bring out the defects/brokenness in oneself. Every single point he made from insecurities to bitterness and resentment is exactly how I felt/ feel when around my father. It is truly refreshing to have someone explain those flaws that can be amplified by a narc, and a nice neat list of things that I need to work on and keep track of in the future. Thank you so much for your insight.
I appreciate your videos so much. Thank you. Your presence and thoughts and thoughtfulness is soothing to the soul.
I love this guy, a pure understanding of the abuse suffered but with a true sense of understanding value.
Thanks Deborah. So pleased it resonates! Dr. C
... still shocked to learn it's s much worse than I thought ... These Narcsisst
are Everywhere.
This is what I needed. I think I asked before in another video comments section, how I can separate myself from the narcissist without becoming like the narcissist. The broken narcissist begets a broken recipient. Learning from a narcissist's abuse does not make me one, it may break me but I can learn from my experiences, I can help myself break the pattern. I can't fix him, but I can fix myself. Thank you, Dr. C! This is what I needed!
This was great! There was a lot of "food for thought" in this lecture. I am still dealing with the brokenness, but it has definitely stripped a lot of pride, vanity, "smugness," and general crud from my life! I'm much more empathetic, caring and AUTHENTIC than I ever was (growing up with a cruel narcissistic mother). I was always a "people pleaser,"...doing what others expected....at all costs. I guess you could say that I'm learning to live in my own skin...after 62 years! I even let my hair go grey(lol!) Thanks so much for these videos. I watch them multiple times....they are really helpful!
Embrace we are all vulnerable and that scares them.
🙌🙌🙌Oh goodness gracious!! How gifted you are in your words!! Thank you for, yet again, another phenomenally helpful video. 🕊
Well I am still alive and kicking . Just. You have to see the funny side of your situation. And I am still living with my narcissistic wife. And my two adult kids who don't talk to me . Well all I can do is take one day at a time .
You really brought me comfort and understanding that I really needed today. And I couldn’t get that anywhere else in my life. Thank you.God Bless you for the work you are doing here. 🦋🌸
This summary is extremely helpful. After 20 years or more of dealing with blatant narcissists, I am glad to find out that these destructive patterns of behavior, that I’ve put up with, have a name. Many open, or hidden attacks in a wide variety of ways, to diminish & control me, from people who believe their actions are beyond reproach & perfectly normal