I will die on the hill that the only relationships that are ever truly healthy are ones that are built on strong friendship. We treat romantic relationships as if they’re everything when we dont even trust our partners half as much as we trust a casual friend.
I don't really agree, I think romantic can also be healthy even if they didn't start as a friendship. I think it's a little sad how many people kind of "dismiss" relationships that were romantic from the beginning
@@celin99 I completely understand. Thats just how I perceive romance I suppose, as a strong friendship with a few added benefits more than anything. Romance has always been a bit of a difficult concept for me to grasp. But honestly everyone’s experience Is different, as long as you’re secure and happy in your relationships it doesn’t matter! And Its none of my business what other people do with their lives.
Ideally when the flame of passion and infatuation settles into embers, what you’re left with is genuine love based in work and effort, friendship, genuine care for the other person. I do truly think that is the key for maintaining a long term relationship. It won’t always be picturesque, presenting yourself at your most curated desirability, it won’t always be sweeping and grand and giddy all the time, but that doesn’t mean love doesn’t last beyond the honeymoon state. I do think that, although not all relationships start from being best friends, your partner should be one of your best friends, a favorite person, someone you genuinely enjoy being with and crafting a partnership with.
I think the problem is that most people are more in love with the idea of being in love and experiencing it, than actually in love with the person in front of them. They place unrealistic expectations on their partner, and aren’t exactly the best at communicating their wants and needs. They almost, expect their partner to be able to mind read, like they do in the media we watch, and often forget the person in front of them is an actual person. I also think that because of unrealistic expectation such as social media, we don’t think of love in the way it was meant to be. We end up only thinking of ourselves, and what we can receive from the relationship.
I agree. I like to think about a quote/saying I found a long while ago which goes along the lines of: we must love others for who they are and who they become, because if we don’t and we place these certain expectations on them then we only love what we see in ourselves projected onto them and not for who they really are. And I feel as though this relates a lot to this.
especially things like tinder and hinge which provide constant access to more or ‘better’ people become these things to be consumed, boxes to tick that you’ve made up in your mind and people just project their fantasies on eachother instead of observing and accepting people for the sometimes harsh reality of what they actually are. a lot of couples have that period of betrayal feeling like the person they’re with has changed or maybe can’t do anything right. and i think it’s cos we make our lack someone else’s problem and project this constructed idea of ‘The one’ onto another even though they never complied to the fantasy that silently existed in our heads
And that situation has only worsened since the invention of social media and is a big reason why I quit most of them. The amount of times I've encountered the romanticization of things mentioned in this video or just toxic relationship tips on Insta and Tiktok is truly scary.
@@JinroTheCorpse this is always a risk but that doesn't mean we shouldn't try and shouldn't want that, the fact that i never had that in my life makes me feel miserable
find something that can help you make sense of it. don't try to make it a person. i've made that mistake. and it took me 35 years to find a foothold in the vast ocean of pointlessness that is our modern lives. i think most people just lay on their backs and try not to breath out too much so they stay afloat. or they cling to some piece of driftwood and hope it holds. but you can learn to actually swim and get to a place you like. it's hard. but it's well worth it. keep trying
@@Prototype9871 but fortunately this thinking is occuring now, when we're currently sitting on a population of 8 billion people. a couple people wanting healthy relationships wont hurt us
i think our modern concept of love has been tainted by romantic fantasies for centuries. everything anyone could need in a long term partner is the ability to negotiate.
@@dontbeadowner97pretty sure people just misinterpreted the play as romance when Shakespeare intended it to be satire, especially when you look at the context of all the other romance literature that was being written at the time.
I feel they tend to fit the awkwardness of emotions portrayed, and the imperfection of life and humanity. To some extent they share this with crudely drawn memes, but here enhanced by the light animation of the lines.
Yes exactly. I know couples that stay together simply because they're terrified of being alone, even when the relationship clearly isn't working. And if they do break up, they find someone else within a month and the cycle continues. You need to know who you are as an individual in a relationship or the other will start to define you, and that never ends well.
Dont make 'that hole' someone else's problem. If you feel incomplete @ that level it's because there's something in your own life that you are drawn to but you're not doing. A partner wont give you your life's meaning for you.
At the risk of sounding like an incel… I just can’t believe you. Like I get that this ‘hole’ is coming from inside me, and is thus a feeling that occurs because I’m missing something in life, NOT a woman. But this feeling could equally be coming from my unrealistic beliefs about relationships because of the media. I genuinely believe that having a partner could make me so much happier, and I’m equally afraid that this hole inside me will continue and I’ll an emotionless husk even to this person I’ve confessed my love for. If I could fill this hole in me just by pursuing the hobbies of my own life it would be such a relief, but I think this hole needs to be filled by a person, not a thing. I wish I didn’t need to crave human connection sometimes
@@chasealcorn1047 no need to rush things in life, take it easy and draw out from social media, I've been feeling better without knowing what everyone is doing on friday's night, you do your own thing and leave out the rest, everybody need somebody but social pressure is high these days like never before and you should let it slide if I even made sense
@@chasealcorn1047 So what I usually say to people with this mindset is, if you feel the need to have someone, you're not truly ready to have someone. Sure, a partner could make you feel happier as you said. Key word there is happiER. Like, you're already fine on your own and your partnership just makes it all the better. For deeper understanding, let's say you'd be a truly happy person if you cleared all 10 levels of a videogame. In this scenario a relationship would be the 11th, bonus level, that you can access even before clearing all the main levels. Sure it gets you the extra points, but those bonuses won't compensate for your lack of cleared levels. You probably still have work to do on your own. Generally unhappy people, those with low self esteem and especially ones feeling worthless tend to idolize getting / being in a relationship cause it kind of is an "easy" way to temporarily boost your percieved self worth, since you'd feel loved and/or give your love to someone hence not being completely "worthless" for the time. But in reality your worth is not defined by neither the amount of love you give to nor the love you receive from that one person. All this isn't to say you can't be happy in a relationship if you have issues yourself, you just shouldn't desperately want to be in one cause it likely won't fix the fundamental problems. I'm also not saying you shouldn't try to find someone, but it's better to try being prepared ( by clearing as much of the main levels as possible ) for when you eventually do. edit: visual clarity
@@yur1831 I get that about social pressure. I'm fortunate enough to be surrounded by supportive friends who don't pressure me in that way. I feel like this pressure is to mingle is coming from inside, but in reality its just these invisible social pressures that I reinterpret for my own thoughts? I realize that these kinds of desires change and disappear with time, I suppose I'll just let the feeling slide like you said. ty for replying, gives me some food for thought
Another issue I've been seeing lately is with the idea that there is certain """tactics""" you use to """obtain"""" a partner and that you can simply """"rizz""""" somebody. I think a lot of people don't understand that relationships-especially romantic ones-are built and love isn't always found immediately
The thing is that you need to put yourself out there and approach people and yes there are ways to "increase your chances" so they aren't wrong but this whole part has became filled with incels and dating coaches that "will help you get a girlfriend if you just buy this course for 50$ a month", and as you said a lot of people don't understand that love is built. You can't just "rizz" someone up and boom, you got love. Nah, rizz or these "tactics" is the "hook" seeing if the other person bites. Yea there's millions of fishes in the sea but what's a fishing rod without a hook and bait?
Dating is like a job interview and relationship like the actual job. Rizz is actually important for the interview and to say “I’m not gonna wear a smart shirt cus it’s just not me “ is just silly . But when it’s time for the actual relationship Rizz goes in the back ground and it’s all about your capacity to actually love , be authentic, intimate , understand , forgive ect voice your boundaries. Dating is about wining and taking the other about giving and being willing to lose for the sake of authenticity
Can't say I agree. Many women have gotten to the point where they will reject you just for approaching them the wrong way, without even getting the chance to know anything about you. I hate the idea as well, but it seems almost necessary nowadays.
Im so traumatized , I think any romantic encounter I will have will always end with harm or hurt. Its like a weird intrusive thought that builds a wall in front of my vision any time an opportunity arises for love
Unfortunately, humans are complicated and contradictory beings. In most cases love comes with pain, but you can actually find love and avoid being hurt if you learn how to balance your feelings. This, however, implies not getting too attached to a partner. There is a thing called the hedgehog dilemma discussed by Schopenhauer. It states that humans by default hurt each other when they get too close to each other, this is why in any relationship/friendship we must keep a certain distance. I hope this bit of advice helps you overcome your fear of getting hurt in love and I hope you find a proper partner. If not, remember that aloneness is not that bad and it can, in many cases, be more healthy than being in exhaustive relationships.
Its at this point you stop seeking it out. If its meant to happen at some point, it will. Not by fate or anything, but because you'll both be genuinely interested in eachother, and likely treat eachother well because of that
The myth of "the one" is the major reason why divorce rates are so high in the US and all over the west. True love is working with your significant other no matter who they are, to improve each other and bring out the best in one another. Atleast it's what I learnt from my parents cut-throat relationship. You should, not only love what your significant other is, but what they could become.
I kind of (not completely) disagree with this. Having this attitude can be really tricky, because if you're an idealist, like me, then you'll stay in unhealthy relationships because you just keep waiting for them to change and hoping it'll get better because you love them and know that they're a good person, but you just keep waiting, and fighting, and waiting, and fighting, hoping that the relationship will be healthy and eventually maybe someday you can be happy in the relationship too. Or you'll settle because you believe that you can change them. Not saying your attitude is wrong, but in extreme forms can be unhealthy (from personal experience). I do agree that the myth of "the one" is a major reason why divorce rates are so high.
nah, I'd blame it on extreme standards and hookup culture. you don't find "the one", you take someone and carefully grow eachother to be the others "one". this has been in my case which might be an isolated event but oh well.
@@ddude1212 Why do you view yourself as something destined for failure? You don't wait for your significant other to change, you should be the driving force in their life to encourage them to improve. You are not destined for unhealthy relationships as long as you stay self aware. You are not stuck with a specific "mindset" and you can change it to better yourself. It takes time, effort and extreme self reflection. Significant others can help you acheive this goal or they can stiffle you. If they stiffle you, (no matter their intentions or means) and you have tried to change that without success, then you should end or change the relationship. It takes a lot of time to learn, but by putting yourself in a box you only constrict yourself and prevent growth.
@@zacharym4592 Lots of self-esteem issues. :') Believe me, I've tried and spent all of my time and energy in some relationships trying to help people change and improve, but if someone doesn't want to change then they're not going to. No matter how lovingly you push them, even if they truly love you and try to improve, so you just keep hoping that maybe they will improve this time, still (some) people will quickly forget their goal and go back to what's comfortable when stress arises and it really matters. But still, you're right. No one is destined for unhealthy relationships, this has just been my personal experience. Your comment is underrated asf though, that's some wisdom everyone needs to hear, I was just clarifying myself I don't disagree with you at all. - Edit: I'm not saying that what I've said is true of everyone, I don't mean to portray a "everyone is selfish and only wants to serve themselves boohoo woe is me" kind of mindset, I know there's many people out there with a true gift of empathy and compassion who always work to improve themselves and heal themselves for their significant other while also pushing the other person, I'm just sharing my experiences as an idealist who just wants to be loved and has been taken advantage of a lot. :')
Sisyphus you’ve done it again. I just broke up with my girlfriend who I’ve been with for quite some time. I’ve been struggling with it as I truly care for her. This video helped me understand my reasoning so much better as I truly felt like I was beginning to lose myself within the relationship. Thank you for this incredible insight. I will for sure be diving into Beavoir’s books here soon :)
i've always found it interesting to hear about people's perception of love. they're all so different from each other, sometimes toxic sometimes not. but always genuine and pure.
@@noxabellus By "genuine and pure", he is referring to their belief. He is not saying that toxic relationships are healthy, but that those who institute such relationships tend to "genuinely and purely" believe that this is how love is. Both in the abuser and the abused. Many abusers in relationships aren't actively malicious a lot of the time, they just genuinely believe that this is what love is. Same with the abused. Its pretty sad, and ends up making both fall into a pit trap of misery based on their warped perceptions of love.
After mating, the male platypus will swim upstream to fight other male platypus to the death, only returning the following year when it is time to mate again, given that it has survived.
Me and my girlfriend had this issue where we both were new to how relationships work. We both realized that her fantasy of having someone to be the everything of is just that: a fantasy. I was heartbroken when I heard I gave her her dream relationship, and then found out it wasn't ideal. There is still love between me and her, but what we need to do is to navigate our relationship differently. We were trying to solve all our issues that are unique to us (we both have autism and we struggle with finding time to talk), but now we know that we have to be more reasonable with each others demands. I realize that I'm depressed and self-loathing, now knowing that I have to love myself and be able to stand on my own 2 feet. We tried walking this road by having me piggyback off of her for support. We still love each other, and now we will learn how to walk side by side
@@aurora_skye This was 5 months ago. However, I and her are still happily together! We have worked through most of the issues, and I am more confident in myself now. I wish you luck on navigating love, too!
@@hopelessamaturerougeofhope4399 YES INDEED! WE ARE STILL HOLDING STRONG AND ARE BETTER THAN EVER! WE WALK HAND IN HAND TO THIS DAY AND HOPEFULLY FOR THE REST OF THEM!
Looking through these comments, i noticed smtg. I’m just getting into my first relationship, and it was exactly what this video is on. We’ve been friends for a year. I decided to ask her to a dance just as friends, and she said yes. Ever since, we’ve just been talking and hanging out more. We’re a thing now, but it was totally different then how I had always seen it. It just kinda happened with no cliche love kinda shit. It’s refreshing like this to me. We built it up. She has other friends, I have other friends. We do some things together, we do some things apart. We’re both not perfect, but hey, I like it this way. Even if it doesn’t work out, I just found that this video is something I experienced first hand.
I just got out of a relationship. We didn't look for eachother, we found. They fit to me like a jigsaw puzzle, but their expectations and views were different to mine, and it didn't work. I had to end it because it became toxic, and it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. The devotion part really hit home. They laid their life in my hands, and wanted me to do the same. I forgot who I was in favor of them. It's hard. I miss them but I know I made the right decision. This video helped affirm and voice how i feel.
@@saltukkezer5100 i mean the other things, they liked the exact same things i did, everything always clicked, we had silly humour no one i know could share with me like that, the same future goals and wants, our personalities fit
Been there recently too. As sad as it was that things didnt work out. I cant say I was better off not meeting them in the first place and to a degree I felt like I needed to meet them in order to become a better version of myself. I hope you're doing well and can move on without harboring too many strong feelings against them. Hope you find what you're looking for.
@@bresht7810 It's honestly a bit weird. If their views are true, then their views and expectations should at least be related to the other things you mentioned. Honestly I think it's nice to have a partner who have different views than you but still sticks with you, unless they're trying to force stuff or trying to make you yield to them deliberately. That partner must also have humbleness and let you have your ways in their life story too. Other than that, it sounds exciting and vast to have two people who are a bit different at some ways to be your parents. Now, I'm only talking about the "good views" though... It won't be fun if they have "bad views" that repulse or hurt other people. This is a bit of a complex idea and I get what you meant, but I still stand by my previous point. Just think about it!
In high-school I struggled to understand relationships, they all seemed to drain dignity from their participants, while the other person takes the dignity that is being poured out. As though people are using someone else in a parasitically symbiotic relationship for almost entirely social reasons. It was using another person to fill a need for dramatic distraction that defines individuality. This comes from a surface level 3rd party viewer, which may be where I lack understanding, but it never made sense. It gave the perspective that relationships are a script of shifting narcissism and devotion for the sake of itself.
Sounds like those people are just in a bad relationship, which I tangentially agree with. If a relationship lacks dignity, then those involved are probably in it for the wrong reason.
@@Max-rn3eb So true; People entering high school should be taught how relationships actually work. When I thought I found my "someone" I developed a world in my mind where it was narcissism and devotion. I knew I had a chance to get with them but since all of this was new to me I failed so hard and in the end she moved on from me.
@@fatmanwithabroom3221 Mmm absolutely, early relationships are also major learning experiences for further relationships not the peak of what they'll be like in life. you have the shitty relationships and the flings and crushes and obsessions when you're young, learn from it what you do and don't like and live according to that experience in the future. Nobody ever hopped on a bike and went 5km first try, they wore training wheels for a bit and fell over a few times
I had a dude who went around asking random girls to date him for the sake of being in a relationship, they even admitted that "my friends all have girlfriends" to my face :,)
'Ethical love' seems to be the type most easily found in friendships. Things are way less complicated if you straight up just remove having sex from the equation.
I don’t know if I’d say it’s just removing sex from the equation but just that people have a lot more expectations for romantic relationships and close friendships can also be really hard. Coming from someone who’s ace
@@tapiocababy1701 yeah with friends one would usually expect something like “this person is cool, I wanna spend more time with them” and not “will I be able to live with this person for the rest of my life?”
Yeah, I think even if people were more casual about sex in general, most romantic relationships would still be usually loaded with the same issues. It’s not the sex part that’s the problem, it’s the expectations and toxic/false beliefs people have about romance.
Yeah I often fantasize about a world where we reproduced asexually and it sounds like it'd fucking rock. But only if we still needed to be together as a society
I completely forgot myself trying to be that manic pixie dream girl for a man and just constantly submitting and it sickens me to think about it now. Its so harmful how women are constantly told to essentially be the “gift” for a man and to prioritize him over everything and give themselves up
It wound't be so Harmful if the man loves her back and in return they'd give themselves up for the one they love too Plus it can happen to a "manic dream Man" aswell and they also would be treated as a gift aswell to the Female Protag. (I mean look at shoujo manga) 😕 Honestly it ain't all that bad so stop Rationalizing.
I can totally relate to this, I'm not a woman but I was conditioned as a woman before I transitioned. I thought I was unaffected by this idea of relationships after seeing my girl friends treated badly by their boyfriends. I felt disconnected from it when giving them advice, until it actually happened to me. There's a fine line between "being a giving partner" and "giving up yourself". I'm also sick to my stomach thinking of how I let my past partner shut down my feelings and "submit" to his, but there's two things to remember. It's not your fault, and you're not alone.
@@razzy9172 why is your first instinct when seeing a girl express her frustrations to use your own frustrations to fight with her? did she strike a nerve?
@@nessmarie6044 that's how free speech debate works in the comments everyone shares their opinions and offers insight on everyone else, you're doing this too. just let them sort out their disagreement and learn from the discussion
I like it that the title is so similar to Olisunvia's video about love. The podcast you two collaborated in was a welcome surprise for me. Totally love the two of you and others with similar philosophical themed channels
"love" in its purest form is simply a mutually beneficial relationship that hinges on dependence. it might seem like an oversimplification but i urge you to consider the idea with an open mind. the idea being that the powerful core of any loving relationship is the fact that both sides "need" one another for various forms of support, and through being needed it brings a feeling of importance and meaning to our lives. this phenomenon happens between pets, parents, lovers, and friends. i'll start by explaining it in terms of pets because their dependence is most obvious. we love our pets because they depend on us. they need us for food, shelter, and (depending on the type of pet) for sociality reasons also. when we provide these things our pets love us. while on a superficial level we enjoy their physically expressed gratitude through their tail wagging, licking, and purring, on a deeper level it's fulfilling because we provide value to the pet. when we provide things of value to our pets and they express gratitude, we consider our own lives more valuable and meaningful as a result. it gives us a purpose. lovers love their partners because their partner depends on them things like intimacy through sexual gratification (a powerfully embedded emotional conduit) and for understanding (and the resultant emotional connection). because partners depend on each other for these valuable things, each partner sees their lives as more valuable and meaningful as a result of the provision of these things to one another. when parents have a newborn baby, the baby depends completely on the parents to stay alive. as a result of assuming this important parental role (which is literally life and death), the parents feel more important. parents love their children because the children depend on the parents for food, shelter, guidance, comfort, and everything in between. because the parents provide these valuable things for their children, the children love the parents. because parents provide these valuable things to their children, the parents consider their own lives to be more valuable and meaningful as a result. this is why the phrase "they grow up so fast" is said with melancholy. when children grow older, parents find they aren't depended on as much as they used to be, so they feel like they're becoming less useful which makes them feel less important. this applies especially to mothers, as they attach proportionately more of their personal "value" to parenting than men who are more likely to get their feeling of importance through their careers. when someone or (in the case of pets) something depends on you to provide things that make their life better, it brings new meaning to your life. it makes you feel important, and this striving to be important is a powerful driver of human motivation. . place a giant granite block in the middle of a field and it is useless. use it in the foundation of a bridge and it becomes responsible for a massive contribution to convenience in a society. when we're useful to another person, it makes us feel important. the fulfilment which comes from the feeling of personal importance brought on by a mutually beneficial relationship is what we experience as the emotion of love.
@@TheShut1 if you can't find a simple way to explain why you disagree then you're probably leaning towards a more romanticised perception of love, meaning that your reasoning is emotion based and thus not clear. emotion is a poor foundation for reason
As an aroace person, i often get real frustrated with the societal pressure that I must absolutely seek out a partner in order to be happy in life. Having family and friends that care about me is enough for me. And I think it's that same societal pressure that causes many of my peers to rush into relationships that are obviously never gonna work out. Sometimes things are just complicated. Some people such as myself don't desire those kinds of relationships, and the people who do desire it sometimes it'd be better to just be patient.
@@EliTriesToBeFunny that's because life is inherently meaningless, there's no reason for anything to be anything at any time, anywhere. What matters is what we do with the meaningless time we have, life doesn't have to be miserable if you don't want it to be.
I wish I was born like you, being in love several times just to see myself being alone afterwards is worse than hell, makes life colorless and tasteless because you now how good it felt when you had that person by your side in this short human life..
I think there are a few important things to have a successful romantic relationship: - love a friend - love on first sight is great in movies, but in real life it rarely holds up. Your lover doesn't need to be an exact copy of you, but the chances of it working really benefit from having common interest or shared ideals. - compromise - as mentioned in the video, neither demanding all, nor giving yourself fully is healthy. You will need to find the middle step on anything you disagree on. You may not like it but sometimes you'll have to give what you don't want to, and sometimes you'll have to stand your ground even if retreating would be easier. - expect fights - no two people will go together without an argument. A disagreement doesn't mean that your perfect partner is actually a rotten liar and should be replaced, perfection doesn't exist, and even the most ideal couple will have a little scrape here and there. Just be ready to forgive and be forgiven when the storm has passed - display interest - many people tend to fall into routine and stop really taking eachother for the precious lovers that they are. I'm not saying you should go to a restaurant every day and travel to a different holiday destination every weekend, but try to occasionally pleasantly surprise your partner. Even with mundane things such as doing some of their chores or just sparing a couple pleasant words. The tiny breaks in the routine will make sure that your partner doesn't feel forgotten. On that note - love language - it's a fancy term for basically figuring out what way of expressing love is the most favourite by your dearest. Some people like words, some like physical contact, and some really like gifts. There's more options, so Google it, I don't remember perfectly. That's what I'd say. I know that a bit over a year and a half isn't exactly the world record, but my current relationship has been going amazing, and is honestly only getting better with time, even as the initial hormones wear off and the routine sets in so I'd say we're onto something here.
I love your expressing of the dichotomy between "expressing oneself as unique" and "belonging to something greater" as it relates to love. I think these two divergent drives have their place in every aspect of life, and that their correct balancing against the needs of the moment is necessary for individual well-being.
Love -- real, genuine love -- is a supremely rare thing. To love is choosing to will the good of the other for the sake of the other. Many people feel desire or experience romance and mistake it for love. Desire and romance are fleeting sensations that require little effort. Love demands we empty out our own ego so we might advance the good of another. Love is one of the highest expressions of self-sacrifice.
I don't think genuine love requires us to 'empty out our own ego'. As the video explains, neglect for your own needs and aspirations is not only unhealthy for you, it also creates toxic, unbalanced relationships and keeps you trapped in them, and is overall contrary to happiness for everyone involved. The key is in balance. An equitable acknowledgement of each other's needs, a transcending of the dichotomy between self-respect and altruism. Unless of course you use the term 'ego' as a synonym of 'egocentrism', in which case, sure I agree.
@@AliciaB. I agree with your statement. Like I said in another comment, and from my own experience with toxic relationships.... A good person knows how to balance their selfish and selfless needs. A good relationship consists of people who know how to balance said needs, and communicate said needs to one another.
It would be interesting to see a story from the manic pixie dream girl's point of view. She's got some sort of disorder or a personality that isolates her from people, and while people assume she doesn't care, it's actually a huge point of insecurity and shame. Then there's just some super mentally unstable dude who she knows probably needs a little extra love, and she is like, "hello friend! You can achieve your dreams! :D" And slowly he starts idolizing her and putting her on a pedestal, needlessly, simply because she's kind to him and actually manages to connect with him. I'm considering writing this now.
Yes they idealize you. They put you above and beyond as if you’re this talented and perfect individual. Until the cracks start revealing themselves and you can no longer hide who you are. You aren’t perfect, you’re broken in some ways like everyone else. Once the idealization ends. They get bored of you and dump you. That’s the life of the manic pixie dream girl. You are seen as mysterious,cool, intimidating and put together. But in reality you’re just mentally ill
This is so helpful. I’ve been in my first serious relationship for almost a year now. When I met him he described himself as a hopeless romantic, and I’m fully convinced that he is just in love with the idea of love. Relationships have always crumbled around me growing up so I have no idea whether this relationship will work or not.
It is so hard to see the point sometimes, when the things in life I think are meaningful turn out to mean nothing, and the people who are supposed to love me don't.
No such thing as good or bad. It is all about perspective. Change your perspective and come into line with your feelings. Even what you perceived as a bad relationship has meaning. It taught you what you don't want, right? Lessons are hard but meaningful. It is hard but keep your head up 🌻
Tbh: I’m glad I am single, even older because I certainly understand the need to have a supportive partner walk side by side… in life’s journey. If I do meet a kindred soul to walk the path with me then great if not then I’d be fine alone too. ✨
@@UnKnownv5 it depends on the person tbh. If one can have long term friendships you can have long term relationships. Pessimism is a different thing from realism.
8:36 “We share each other’s lives, all the while respecting the fact that the good you see in the other cannot be restricted but should rather be free to grow unencumbered by your own idealistic expectations” ❤I need to remember this
I don't want to get into a relationship for a few reasons. 1. They never work out at my age - I've been in a relationship and often the commitment can't be found when you don't live together, can't choose when to get together outside of school, and your feeling aren't developed. 2. My life isn't good, my mental health is terrible, and I don't want to put people through it. - I have really bad depression and anxiety and I don't want to cause someone the same things I go through. I don't have enough time to commit myself to a relationship. 3. Everyone who I know believes in peer pressure. - No one might directly say anything about it. I think people at my age get into relationship because of comparison and peer pressure. I have felt like I needed a partner, when clearly I need myself more. I think the only people at my school who should get into relationships are the people who know how they actually work, have good commitment, and know how to give people space and also care for people at the same time. Conclusion: As a Junior, I just don't like feeling forced to get into a relationship for a dance, holiday, social acceptance, etc. I honestly wish I didn't feel any romantic feelings for anyone because everytime I do, it's between 3 things. The person who I see as a partner is already in a relationship, doesn't want to be in a relationship, or they shut me out and never give me an actual answer. I feel incomplete all the time, not because of me not being in a relationship, but because I feel like I don't fit in anywhere. I want to be seen as a good person, but people don't care about you or your problems. I never believe in unconditional love because it seems that love has been withhold from me both in my family and in my attempts to get into a relationship. I share my experiences with people and then they don't really care enough to actually be there for me. I constantly feel alone because no one understands what I'm going through. It doesn't help that I put a façade on and make myself look happy, when I'm breaking down on the inside. I feel like a failure in my social life because most of the friendships I was in are failed because they are withheld from me. I'm sorry for the tangent, it's just I feel that the wrong people are in relationships and friendships while the people suffering continue to suffer as people ignore them.
@@chron1cdelay That's what I'm saying. Many people go through the same and have the same problems, but it can be hard to come forward with it or accept it. I had trouble with putting thoughts into words.
It’s cause people try to force it and rationalize it. They like to pretend love is perfect, but it’s not. It’s messy. It’s a beautiful mess and a constant uphill battle. Compromise, fights, arguments, etc… The thing that keeps two people together though is love. And you can’t force it, you find it when you least expect it. A quote I love is “love isn’t “and nothing can ruin this”, it’s “anything can ruin this, but I’m going to fight to make sure that nothing does” (comment section of “And Nothing Can Ruin This by exubra1). Love is messy, but it’s worth it. And if you aren’t willing to fight for it, you aren’t willing to love.
I don't think I can handle being loved anymore right now. Romantically or otherwise. The fantasy of a partner used to be interesting to me, a relief even, but only in the concept of someone who knew me so well I never really had to make the effort to be understood. That they could cater to me and my needs with little time spent explaining myself or asking for it, and I assume that desire comes from feeling like I don't (like to) ask people for things and when I do I feel I have to justify the burden I put on them. By the time I finally found someone who was interested in me, I had created a version of myself that felt so divorced from my true feelings and needs that I could not accept that they really loved the "real" me. Eventually I had to give up being with them, I could not bear the weight of their fondness for a side of me that felt so manufactured. And when I think about it now, I realize that when that person or my friends and family say they love me it is in response to my kindness. The kindness that comes from sacrifice and obfuscation. And it makes me uncomfortable. I don't want to be loved for the lie. But I cannot believe they would love me for the truth, because deep down I do not love who I believe I truly am. So for now I would rather be alone, cause at least then I don't have to worry about this stuff as much. Hopefully one day I'll muster the courage to grow and be different
There's this person whom I really admire and respect. She's usually quiet and reserved, never too open when it comes to social interactions and keeps to herself when she's uncomfortable. She usually just hangs out with her close circle of friends, and when she doesn't, she spends her alone time, which makes it hard to make use of opportunities to get closer to her in person. I don't mind that though, since she needs her time. Anyway, despite that, we have been chatting for the past few months. Whenever I compliment her, she usually finds it hard to believe. Heck, she finds it REALLY hard to believe that someone like me got to like her. She usually doubts compliments, to the point where she even told me she would rather be scolded because she was more used to that. From what's been told, she's been constantly judged throughout her life, to the point where she became more anxious and self-conscious. She also feels it's hard to explain herself and what she feels. I want her to feel like she's welcome, but I can't help but feel like she will think that she will never be appreciated for who she is for a long time. Your comment made me wonder about it. Am I the one who isn't going to be ready to see and accept who she truly is? Is she feeling the same way as you? Can I make her feel appreciated fully? I want to try. I want to accept her wholeheartedly. I hope I can reach her and make her understand, but at the same time, I hope I'll be able to do it in a way that respects her personal space. I hope I can be ready and accept her "truth". She deserves someone that can admire her for who she truly is and what she's comfortable with.
As someone to whom romance never really came easily, that specialness of finding someone i felt something for became more fantasized, and everytime i thought i might like someone, my brain immediately made them my everything. It’s a sort of desperateness that i think stems from a feeling of wanting something i don’t think i can have. To me love is an unreachable and incomprehensible goal, and it’s only now i realize that there’s more to it than that. A couple of months ago i think, i fell in love for the first time. To someone i’ve been friends with for over a year. She makes me feel like life is just a bit brighter, i don’t have this expectation that she needs to do anything for me, all i want is for her to just be there, and listen like she always does. Because she won’t solve my problems, all she’ll do is, make the world seem a little less scary, knowing somebody will be there for you when you fall, and be there to see be happy for your success. I could live without her, we could live just fine without one another, but why would i? When she’s helped me through so much, made me a better person, when i’ve helped her and made her a better person. I wanna continue getting better with her.
It's interesting to watch this as someone who, if we have to give labels, is aromantic. Romantic love and relationships have always been a mystery to me.
@@sunflowerfrompvz49 yes exactly, it never goes past platonic love. I have never fitnessed celebrity crushes nor real crushes. For some reason it just doesn't happen.
@@accounfour2402 idk about that, i always associated it with being anxious, which isn't a good thing, but does happen a lot when you interact with someone you are developing feelings for
Love is wanting and trying to make the partner you devoted to happy and not suffer. Not what you expect the other partner do for you. Simple as that. Both parties need to have this concept for a lasting relationship. The end. Any romanticization, thinking about status, and the expectation that being in a relationship is the one thing that going to bring you happiness is already a wrong and selfish way, to look at love in the first place.
we put love on a pedestal. we see it as something of mystical force that barges through every hurdle and makes everything possible. we think it is all we will ever want of life and it will fill the holes in the pit of our stomachs. we believe love will complete us and give reason to every unreasonable parts of our selves, and thus we sacrifice everything. i genuinely think that as great as love is, people are expecting too much of it.
Also I feel like we are pressured to rush into relationship at a young age. Never having been in a relationship in highschool, college, at 30 etc might be looked down upon but there is just no reason for it. I think lots of relationships fail because they are rushed. Not trying to build a solid friendship first, just rushing to the first pretty person who shows interest in you without even knowing them. Once that excitement fizzles out you realize you don't know them and they can't read your mind and complete you. So let's just take a breath and don't rush. Also gives us space to be our own person
Reading through the comments while watching, seeing so many different perspectives on it is really neat. There's something I told someone I really care about, and that's that love isn't just an emotion, but also an energy. Love comes in all shapes and forms, towards ourselves and others. I know that no matter what happens, no matter how things turn out, there'll always be some form of love. Romantic, platonic whichever outside or inbetween there will always be that warmth and compassion. Love doesn't end at one thing, and it doesn't start at another, it just is. And really? I'm just happy I have people that share that with me, that I have a person I can share that with. But one things for sure, sharing that with ourselves, is just as amazing.
@@hearts0feden I frankly don't think you've said anything of value here. Are diseases energies too? Ideas? Religions? Any other emotion under the sun?
The standard romance you experience in novels and films is great to witness, but the true teamwork of what love is I find to be significantly more rewarding.
@@lucanachname9911 incorrect. Codependency is reliance on each other. I’m talking about 2 people who are stable by themselves and give the relationship as much as they can. I don’t mean giving so much of themselves that they don’t know who they are outside of the relationship
I’m 16 and I’m with this guy, this video has changed my perspective on us. I’ve come to see his narcissistic tendencies and how little he values me. Everyone asks me why haven’t I left him and it’s because I’m afraid of being in my own company, I gave him a part of me I can’t get back. It breaks my heart that I have so much of my soul and wasn’t appreciated. Don’t be like me guys, remember to put yourself first. Don’t neglect your partner but make sure you can survive without them because god forbid the day comes when you see their true colors leaving won’t be an option. You get stuck in a hurtful cycle.
By you saying "a part of me I can't get back" I imagine u gave him your virginity? If so I'm so sorry to hear that, that's why I say people are indulging way to deep in the things of love at an age in which they are not even prepared for themselves, therefore they will be even less prepared for the people to come to them, u can love at a young age but loosing your virginity so young is never a good idea(u can tease with sexual stuff but doesn't mean u should instantly go into it), u can love someone being young and spend years together without crushing that boundary of intimacy, if things have gone well and they are still by your side for such a time without indulging in sex, and u still treat eachother and enjoy eachother, then officially u have both won LOVE for yourselves and for eachother...
I think it’s so important you brought up the ideas of “being special” and “belonging to something greater”. that plays a major role in love that and equality, people don’t understand our generation struggles so much with love because every believes they’re more special than the next causing many narcissistic relationships on both sides, or they believe that person is better or more special and this causes devotion. the last option is they believe the person is less special causing a one side narcissistic relationship.
I used to dream of that manic pixie dream girl being in my life when I was young, but the more I grow the more I realize love is a compliment to you and someone else's life. To engage into a relationship is building a tower together but not overwork yourself to the point of killing your self worth, to compliment each other without sacrificing your identity, to simply be the familiar and appreciated passenger of this train of life (I hope my analogies are understandable)
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 “4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”
I really liked this vid. Especially the idea of love being narcissistic in the sense that we often want to use it to promote our own self worth without it overshadowing us.
The verbal efficiency in which ideas are laid out in many of these videos is excellent. It takes the narrator 10 mins what takes me the better part of an hour to explain to others.
@@UnKnownv5 do you mean the books referenced? The Denial of Death, The Second Sex, and the Ethics of Ambiguity? Or do you mean the synoptic gospels involving Jesus Christ?
honestly as an aroace i rlly think that how love and relationships are getting pushed on everyone is fucking ridiculous. like sure, i think for 90% of ppl its intrinsic and it just is there, but for the other 10% (including me) its just a thing that everyone else experiences. i just watch from the sidelines seeing ppl seemingly care far too much abt being in a relationship. they even compromise for stuff, and imo that shouldnt have to happen. neither should having to be in a relationship to be happy. like for me i dont g e t fulfilment from a relationship (other than maybe platonic ones like friends and shit). i get it by doing the shit im interested in. even for an allosexual alloromantic, even if theyre in a relationship, they should still be able to do stuff theyre interested in at some point. like honestly. its never rlly made much sense why everybody cares as much as they do abt that kinda stuff but i guess thats what movies and society as a whole has done. its sad really. i just think if u really want to, u should be able to live alone or maybe with some friends. those should also be 100% completely valid options. actually really wanting to live how u want in any way in that regard should be. for me i just want to be able to live either by myself or with someone so im not alone and have atleast 1 person to talk to, and still be able to do the shit i like to do. edit: holy fuck this blew up lol. i just typed my opinion on this shit and 375 of u actually liked or related to this enough to like this. epic
people who "need" love in their life view it the wrong way. You shouldn't exactly "need" someone in your life to feel whole, you should work on yourself first and be whole and content with yourself, and then a partner would be an addition to that. Be strong on your own, yes, but some days you just don't have it in you to be strong, that's when your partner is going be the strength for you. Some days when you feel like breaking down, your partner is going to be there to comfort you. On days when things are better, it feels nice to have someone support you and cheer you on and celebrate your achievements as well That's how I view it (:
@@accounfour2402 what the hell do YOU do in your free time? You're telling me you don't have interests, hobbies, friends, goals?? I've done nothing but play video games for the past month and I'm having the time of my life 💀
Just went on a "brake" with my gf. We're now just friends, and i wish i would've seen this video at least a day before today. I think it might've helped me deal with my expectations and problems a bit better. I''ve been dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts for a long time, but they've only been actually diagnosed recently. Due to these problems, iv'e put an IMMESURABLE amount of stress on my gf. Not only by being a suicidal fuck, but also by always being sad when she's out doing stuff with other people, which i realise now was soooo wrong. but that's what depression does to you...i hope im not using this an excuse for being a bad partener. anyways: everytime i would hear about the good stuff she's doing, or the fun she's having with her family, i'd always feel bad, and sad, and i would share my thoughts with her, which over time has made it so that she absolutely cannot have fun anymore with other people, without me ruining her day later. Example; having fun with friends; texts me; i say i wanna ... ; she feels bad; no more fun today;. Repeat like that for a long enough time and you end up where i am right now. We're friends now basically. Or at least so we say? Idk really. Pretty much nothing has changed, besides the fact that we're gonna do no more romantic stuff, or at least so we say...we haven't gotten together since then, so i don't really know how that would work. She said that i need time alone, time to actually sort myself out, time for her to actually enjoy her life and not have to get it ruined by me all the time, and i think she's right. I wanna use this time to actually better myself, find a way to actually be happy, and then maybe...start from the beginning with her. And have actual love. Ethical Love. Could also be that we just basically broke up and shit is never gonna work again but hey, let's not think about that...ty for reading.
the fact that youve realised all of this shows that youve grown as a person. i hope you do end up finding actual ethical love. you sound like a lovely human being, i wish you strength and happiness
Hey man, it sounds like you're on track to finding a healthy way to tackle these emotions. Something that I learnt through therapy is that the way we have been raised moulds the way we act within these sort of relationships. If you have a therapist, I would bring up the topic of Attachment Theory and maybe some of the Emotional Schemas that form our beliefs. It's helped me a LOT. Also, if you can find a new and exciting hobby to persue, I think it's the best time to get started :)
Haven't finished the video yet but I think part of the reason it's messed up is because we think we need to "own" someone. I'm a bit younger so the experience of going on dating apps, going out with the intention to find a partner etc is foreign to me and being gay I don't rlly have a huge pool of people to date from (and I'm fine with that, most of my relationships come from ppl who im in friendships with anyway lol). Because of that I have a really different opinion on what love is than most people do. Before this year I never understood why people were so obsessive over it either. I haven't fallen "in love" with many women in my life and when I began to lose "feelings" (and this, being vague doesn't help given 'feelings' could mean anything and in this case it means anxiety for me) and stop overanalyzing every interaction that's when I felt I was starting to go deeper with someone if that makes sense. But for many people jealousy and fear seems to be part of the equation when it really shouldn't be. People want grand, romantic gestures where people prove their love. When they see others getting it they get sad and angry (which, again, confuses me? because seeing other people accomplishing that is more inspiring than saddening to me? but when i see the comment sections of those couple posts its always things like 'hahaha thats great *shoots myself*' )and lament that their relationship isn't like that. But...does it have to be? I've gone through a lot of shit this year that's taught me that love isn't the thing that fulfills you but as with all relationships it's meant to be a reciprocal way of helping each other through this life. And, in my opinion that's what all relationships are platonic or not are, but in different ways. It looks different and I think we need to let go of the assumptions we have about what it should be, but the reality of what it is. I'm way more optimistic about my romantic endeavors now, as i've had two good relationships and tbh when I was a kid i never thought i'd ever get one. But I feel like the way we depend on love as a culture is codependent.
Well written. People need to fix themselves and their mindset about relationships. Feeling the need to "own" someone, the obsessiveness over relationships and the expectations of those grandiose gestures along with the envy felt towards others and many other things all come from self esteem problems, insecurity. All those things many think are problematic, just aren't real. The real problem is within the self.
I'm so f-- sick of loving someone just to feel depressed after it all ends, feels like watching a really good movie untill you were kicked off from it without having the right to see the end.. All I feel is emptyness until I get used to be alone and even "happy" until the next woman shows up steals my heart and don't stay
Honestly the hardest part of a healthy relationship is learning to compromise and to listen. For me I am stubborn and can be hard headed, which works to hurt relationships when I am in the wrong whether at work or in the home. Taking time to think on issues which helps separate yourself from the at the time intense emotions allows for solutions (which ussually involve some compromise) that doesn't involve annoying or worse emotionally hurting the other party. Also listening and being present always help, finding time to be with the other person separate from others is a valuable resource which can be hard to get the longer you go into the relationship. Hope this helps, and have a good one.
This is EXACTLY what I tell my friends, since we’re still teenagers, they focus on the superficial aspect of relationships, but they don’t listen to me and they get offended when I try to help them realize. Ignorance is bliss no?
Thank you for uploading this. I’ve been feeling very lost and depressed recently and I think one of my unhealthy escapism type ideas come from a devotion to love. Wanting to find purpose through worshipping a partner. This really helped me back on track to a healthy relationship with love. I think I’m gonna spend my next free year exploring myself and try to find confidence and joy in just being. Your videos genuinely help others by presenting complicated philosophy ideas in a simplified more digestible manner.
This video was recommended at the right time in my life. Recently, there is a person that makes me feel special whenever they are around, but I could not define whether this relationship was closer to a friendship or that of lovers. This video is the answer I need. Thank you so much!
Great video. I think Erich Fromm deserves a mention, since - in my opinion - his ideas are kind of like a counterpart to Becker's. Whilst a reduction in secularity has resulted in the tendency to create a "hero complex" founded in our significance to other people (and their significance to us), an increase in capitalism has led to people adopting a commercialist approach to finding a partner. We use our own value on the "personality market" to leverage the best return possible, in the form of a partner that conforms to our standards and expectations, which are largely (if not entirely) influenced by the social consensus of the communities we live in. Since love has come to be viewed as a commodity, we try to valuate it and gauge its worth relative to the investment it requires.
While I would not deny Capitalism and Marketing have exacerbated this effect, dont you think that sexual selection has always been functioning by that logic to some extent, as it does in animals? (usually males competing for the healthiest and most beautiful females)
This video helps me a lot in shifting my perspective towards love. I got my heart broken by many people in the past which leads me to prioritize on my interests more. I also began to have a more pessimistic outlook on being in a relationship. As time goes, I now have found someone I love and want to spend the rest of my life with. However, I think I sometimes focus on my passions than putting energy to love my partner. This is why me and my partner have been having a lot of disputes. I’m not a type of person who simply walks away from one relationship when things goes wrong. I always push for communication so I can know what I did right or wrong in the relationship. Therefore, I can avoid to do certain things to not hurt my partner’s feeling. I think most relationships ended up failing because both sides do not want to put efforts in fixing their relationship. I hope I can find balance in my current relationship.
I used to watch your videos all the time. I fell into a head space where I felt like I couldn't handle watching your videos anymore. I just couldn't handle such deep thought. I don't think I'm better yet, but I'm happy you're still here. Thank you for being here even after I wasn't. Please keep making amazing content and I promise one day I'll be ready again.
I recently learned about the mirror effect. It's when you acknowledge things in other people that you like or hope to accomplish and the other person feels the same. This video and that concept really made me rethink things about my current relationship. Where are things stemming from? Have I grown beyond my partner and are they going to grow alongside me? I'll write the quote about the mirror effect because I suck at explaining things: "When you change, I either have to change or repel you because everything inside of you is inside of me. The minute you change, I see my mirror. I see everything I didn't accomplish or didn't do. Because I am seeing it through your change, you were showing me your mirror, so I stop being friends with you because you are reminding me of the things I'm not doing in my life. That is the mirror effect."
Sisphus this is one of the best videos I've ever seen on TH-cam and I'm not exaggerating. It gave me so much to consider in such little time. Thank you, truly.
We should not rely on love to save us or make us feel whole. We should rely on what’s already inside of us, all the positivity that’s inside of us. My first “relationship” was with a guy named Cameron and it ended when he broke up with me over text. I was the one who chose it to stay that way, because I don’t want to be used and manipulated by a significant other. Maybe I can sort it out with him, but in the meantime I want him to think about what he did.
Meanwhile me :I just want a friend who wont leave at the first problem and can at least want to live with me voluntarily. In love and most of the other relationships in life you need to set the bar low since reality is often dissapointing
These comments are both so heart-wrenching yet so beautiful. I've been lost in them for a while now, and I'm so proud of the self-realization found here.
I never got why people say things like “I want a man who will treat me like a Queen” or really any variation of that, a good relationship stems from someone who just treats you like a human.
I have an imaginary manic pixie dream boy in my head who ive “been dating” since last summer. its really difficult getting rid of him, but i think i would have ended my own life before without him, or gotten close to it. ive realized “he” is more of a second voice in my head, a second version of myself trying to calm me down whenever possible. but it feels so good to be loved. I tried dating someone I’ve liked on and off for 5 years a few weeks ago, and as soon as he confessed I felt nothing and at the same time felt like I was cheating on “him”. Yet after we broke up I found myself trying to go back to the real guy just for attention and praise. I don’t want “him” in my head anymore but I’ll have no consolation if I get rid of him. He’s the only thing keeping me leveled and I have no idea what to do. I refuse to e-date, its never gone right, and I don’t have any chance at degen men online giving me sexual praise because I’m a minor and refuse to do something like that underage. I think the main reason for my hypersexuality is because it makes me feel whole and like i’m loved, even for only a moment. I know praise isn’t necessary in life but I don’t know where else to go. After living in this fantasy for so long, once someone I trust treats me slightly differently than my pixie dream boy, I feel confused and wonder if they even like me. I think it’s mostly about self confidence, I’ve been feeling better these days so I haven’t had to daydream about pixie boy much but everytime i fall down, I daydream again. I feel simply gross each time I talk to AIs to “fill” that praise void. I just want someone real who’s like pixie dream boy. I made him more realistic in order for me to be happy, but will I ever truly be happy like this? Praise starved and going to such lengths to get even a grain of it? I’ll keep trying my best to be independent, but i’ve got a long road to tread before I get to a point where I am.
I really like Sisyphus. I don't think we'd be amazing friends, but I like him in the way he can sit me down and talk to me. Calmly, quietly, and accurately. It puts me at ease to understand these kinds of things better, and without him, I probably would've been lost.
To most Love means never wanting someone to be hurt, protecting them and trying to be your best for them. it's like a promise to be everything someone could dream a good person should be. Love is subjective topic that it's what makes Love such a complex feeling since it differs from person to person. At first when I first thought about Love was that it was the means to want to help others because you love/care for them but ofcourse it's so much more than that. To me now, Love is what keeps us going, we keep going as we go through our hardships, as long as what and who we love is there, Love will always be a part of what makes up our Determination to keep on living
One of the best decisions of my life was to just enjoy romance as it comes, and to love my friends as closely and lovingly as possible. Those people are the ones I want to spend my time on earth with. I only actually date people I've been good friends with for at least two years, because I already know I love and trust them enough to be happy around them. Then if we eventually break up for whatever reason, we're still friends. We still love each other, just not romantically anymore. And we give each other space and room to grow outside of that former romantic relationship before being closer than ever before. I'm really lucky. Even if the rest of my life tends to hurt, I'm really lucky to have friends who I can openly love up and be safe with. My platonic feelings are just as (if not doubly more) passionate as my romantic ones, Props of being demiromantic I suppose. At the end the day though, I'm just happy to have community and purposes beyond that love
as someone in my first ever healthy relationship, soon to be a junior in highschool now there is times we get upset but we take the time to sit down and talk about our problems and then later treat each other with a mini date or abit of quality time and it ends up fixing our relationship, to just communicate and talk instead of setting expectations of each other it truly runs in the longrun though i am not a relationship expert, i am only saying what has kept my personal relationship healthy and the way it is rn i never really payed attention to drama shows, romantic shows or love shows
I just was feeling a little alone, but kept on with my life. Then I found my partner and she was just perfect. I and her are just living life and this is how it should go
If I were you, when I wake up, I would imagine what it's like to wake up with her never having been in your life. Feel the loneliness again. That way you'll never take her for granted, and loneliness won't be a scary unknown to you.
I never know if I find love to be an addition of self or a missing piece. I feel like it's both but not entirely the person who is the missing piece but the way you interact with the world when you are in love. it's like an alternate form of yourself and allows you to see yourself in a different circumstance
I find that being honest, and understanding (both partners) works the best. Every relationship I see having issues, that lead to breaking up, usually lies, covers stuff up, or one is very controlling over the other. My own relationship has its ups and downs but we are very honest with one another even if it's to say smth the other prob isn't going to like lol. And we discuss these things free of ridicule. No relationship is perfect tho. You will argue or bicker sometimes. We do so with friends also, so it would be silly to expect a lover to be different. Going in looking for perfection you will almost always end up alone. Compromise can be very healthy, and same for boundaries. But they only work if you are both willing to respect it. Good luck out there folks, I hear the dating scene is really rough now.
My mom told me that she had to learn how to be happy living on her own before she could be fully committed to a relationship. I think it's good advice. After all, if you aren't happy living on your own, how can you be happy living with someone else?
you really have posted this at the perfect time at least for me, love doesn't make sense to me anymore since everyone's definition is unique. hell it is impossible to even justify the current toxic relationships that people of our generation go through
To add the perspective of someone who just ended a same-sex relationship: De Beauvoir's theories on this subject absolutely resonate with me, as I was the devoted one in the relationship whereas my former partner was narcissitic. They had told me multiple times in the relationship (in a romantic tone, as they thought I would love it [and I did]) that I was the only person that actually helped calm their mental illnesses. I, apparently, eased their anxieties just by being by their side. As a devoted type, I was thrilled, I belonged to something bigger, as you said. But the relationship turned sour when I couldn't be dropping everything to hang out with them or call them for two hours at their request, or when I also found fulfillment in things other than them (academics, writing plays, being close with my family, etc.). From that point on, anything I did that was slightly out of line from what was expected of me (such as saying no to sex) "triggered" their mental illnesses, giving them an excuse to pull me back in as the one to heal them, or an excuse to take their emotions out on me. They broke up with me when I began asserting my boundaries and refusing to be manipulated out of my identity more than I already had. I'm rambling, but this is all to say that despite the fact that we were both female in the relationship, these heterosexually-coded roles of the devoted and the narcissist still very much applied, and they were still very destructive to both of our psyches. But one thing I wanted to note as a difference in what you said is that even though these two roles are incompatible due to their asymmetry, it is also so ingrained in our society that to step out of these roles (as I stepped out of the devoter role when I asserted my boundaries and found happiness outside of love) can make the other person in the relationship very uneasy. It's a double-edged sword, essentially. What is destructive is still the expectation.
I feel like differing perceptions of things is what kills many relationships for me. I always find myself looking at things differently than someone and that leads to constant disagreement. It’s like an itch that simply cannot be scratched.
I kinda dissagree obviously if it’s something like one person wants to have kids while the other doesn’t is a problem. On the other hand though I think two diffent perspectives working to achieve the same goal is ideal
Herd a quote, something like "To grow along side one another, yet not become entangled in the others branches. For trees cannot grow in one another's shadow"
As someone who happens to be both Asexual and Aromantic, as in I do not feel sexual or romantic attraction towards anyone, the way society pushes relationships onto everyone is such a bizarre concept to me. My lack of pull towards people allowed me to be in the front row seat of observing how humanity deals with love and sexuality. It is such an asinine ideal to me as a whole, wanting to be in a relationship and COMPROMISING to stay in such a relationship because movies and books told you that you should want and fight for it. It's funny watching from an outsider's perspective honestly. I am living proof that you do not need romantic love to live a happy and fulfilling life, you can develop your hobbies, relationships with friends and family, and grow as a person without being with someone just because you've been told that you "intrinsically" want it.
im also aroace and have wondered why the fuck relationships mean literally everything to some ppl. to me its just not worth it. edit: also bc we (or atleast i) dont judge love from a emotional perspective but more of a logical one. so that means we can help ppl with relationship shit if they need any bc atleast for me, i just go with the most logical solution to the issues that happen like that
We don't love people romantically because movies tell us to. We love people because its in our biology to do so, if you take everything away from a human. Consciousness, intelligence, awareness and morality, all we would have left is the ability to love another person ( because fundamentally that is the entire point of a species( to procreate)), quite poetic really . Most people would be miserable without romantic love. you're just the exception not the rule nor example that people should follow ( not to say that its bad, but it just doesn't work for most people). Also ideals are made from emotions through and from history. Since you don't feel emotion towards love, there's no possible way you can understand it ( hence why you think it is extremely stupid or asinine) so I dont really think there's a point in trying to contemplate the answer. It would be like trying to explain to a computer why it can't do something ( because of ethical and moral reasons) when its main goal is to achieve its commands and missions with any means nessarary ( if that clears anything up)
pal, you simply don't understand what it is. It's like you're trying to understand drunkenness without having had a sip of alcohol. Love and attraction are about the worst and the best drugs out there. We don't do it because we're told, we do it because our biology turns us into tweekers off our own pheromones. We do it because it sucks to be alone. We do it because in some strange sense, we want to live forever, and having children is an indirect way to do it. We do it because we're human. As fucked up as the whole situation is, life would probably suck without it. Sorry to say dude, but you're missing out.
Jesus Christ I can smell this comment. Big edgy atheist energy. "I am brought to guffaw when I consider the plebian ideal that so many of these SHEEP are ensnared by, unlike myself, indepedent and intellectual, truly above it all. The things I do not care for, that others do, are but figments of a social order I am immune to with no TRUE charms or benefits." Take a shower.
Fuxk me. I broke up with my ex 2 weeks ago and and right this moment I sat there in my new flat, moving furniture around and thinking about love/relationships. Good timing.
i love love. i stopped being cynical about it. it's just too much effort and money I have to put in to make a relationship work that's stopping me. if i fall in love again i'lll be happier if i don't i'll still be happy being me.
Click the link to start your 7-day free trial and get 25% off a premium membership: www.blinkist.com/sisyphus
bit late
@@h4zrds he forgor
why is simone de beauvoir written simone de beavouir?
This really spoke to me
Autum leaves in the background, a standard fr fr
I will die on the hill that the only relationships that are ever truly healthy are ones that are built on strong friendship. We treat romantic relationships as if they’re everything when we dont even trust our partners half as much as we trust a casual friend.
Well said!
I don't really agree, I think romantic can also be healthy even if they didn't start as a friendship. I think it's a little sad how many people kind of "dismiss" relationships that were romantic from the beginning
@@celin99 I completely understand. Thats just how I perceive romance I suppose, as a strong friendship with a few added benefits more than anything. Romance has always been a bit of a difficult concept for me to grasp. But honestly everyone’s experience Is different, as long as you’re secure and happy in your relationships it doesn’t matter! And Its none of my business what other people do with their lives.
Ideally when the flame of passion and infatuation settles into embers, what you’re left with is genuine love based in work and effort, friendship, genuine care for the other person. I do truly think that is the key for maintaining a long term relationship. It won’t always be picturesque, presenting yourself at your most curated desirability, it won’t always be sweeping and grand and giddy all the time, but that doesn’t mean love doesn’t last beyond the honeymoon state. I do think that, although not all relationships start from being best friends, your partner should be one of your best friends, a favorite person, someone you genuinely enjoy being with and crafting a partnership with.
Best friends first, lovers later
I think the problem is that most people are more in love with the idea of being in love and experiencing it, than actually in love with the person in front of them. They place unrealistic expectations on their partner, and aren’t exactly the best at communicating their wants and needs. They almost, expect their partner to be able to mind read, like they do in the media we watch, and often forget the person in front of them is an actual person. I also think that because of unrealistic expectation such as social media, we don’t think of love in the way it was meant to be. We end up only thinking of ourselves, and what we can receive from the relationship.
I agree. I like to think about a quote/saying I found a long while ago which goes along the lines of: we must love others for who they are and who they become, because if we don’t and we place these certain expectations on them then we only love what we see in ourselves projected onto them and not for who they really are. And I feel as though this relates a lot to this.
especially things like tinder and hinge which provide constant access to more or ‘better’ people become these things to be consumed, boxes to tick that you’ve made up in your mind and people just project their fantasies on eachother instead of observing and accepting people for the sometimes harsh reality of what they actually are. a lot of couples have that period of betrayal feeling like the person they’re with has changed or maybe can’t do anything right. and i think it’s cos we make our lack someone else’s problem and project this constructed idea of ‘The one’ onto another even though they never complied to the fantasy that silently existed in our heads
Couldn't agree more
You hit me hard there
And that situation has only worsened since the invention of social media and is a big reason why I quit most of them. The amount of times I've encountered the romanticization of things mentioned in this video or just toxic relationship tips on Insta and Tiktok is truly scary.
Man, I just want someone to struggle through this confusing mess of life together and to hold and be held.
you’ll find them one day even if it’s platonic or some other form of love! i’m rooting for you♥️
me too man, hope you find that soon
@@JinroTheCorpse this is always a risk but that doesn't mean we shouldn't try and shouldn't want that, the fact that i never had that in my life makes me feel miserable
find something that can help you make sense of it. don't try to make it a person. i've made that mistake. and it took me 35 years to find a foothold in the vast ocean of pointlessness that is our modern lives.
i think most people just lay on their backs and try not to breath out too much so they stay afloat. or they cling to some piece of driftwood and hope it holds. but you can learn to actually swim and get to a place you like. it's hard. but it's well worth it. keep trying
( ͠° ͟ʖ ͡°)
a romantic partner is your compliment, not your missing piece 🧩💗
That kinda of thinking would have caused humans to be extinct ages ago
@@Prototype9871 true
@@Prototype9871 not to be edgy here but if that's ur way of looking at things, maybe we deserved to have gone extinct
@@Prototype9871 but fortunately this thinking is occuring now, when we're currently sitting on a population of 8 billion people. a couple people wanting healthy relationships wont hurt us
Yesss
i think our modern concept of love has been tainted by romantic fantasies for centuries.
everything anyone could need in a long term partner is the ability to negotiate.
I agree with this 100%. Communication is very important and I feel like 70% of that is negotiating.
I mean Romeo and Juliet seems to be looked to as very romantic but everyone forgets the end of the story is them killing themselves
@@dontbeadowner97 the funniest part is that Shakespeare didn’t write it to be seen as romantic
@@dontbeadowner97 And also was wrote to be kinda ridiculous; they only know each other for like 3 days, and one of them has barely hit puberty yet.
@@dontbeadowner97pretty sure people just misinterpreted the play as romance when Shakespeare intended it to be satire, especially when you look at the context of all the other romance literature that was being written at the time.
I love how poorly drawn yet “sufficient” the thumbnails are
Like they convey what the video is about while being very minimalistic
you don't have to be nice they're "bad", but somehow just work perfectly.
Simple is comforting. It feel like an aesthetic counterbalance to the heavy topics.
I feel they tend to fit the awkwardness of emotions portrayed, and the imperfection of life and humanity. To some extent they share this with crudely drawn memes, but here enhanced by the light animation of the lines.
@@sepplin I like the thumbnails.
@@sepplin they're definitely not bad
Im gay
Yes exactly. I know couples that stay together simply because they're terrified of being alone, even when the relationship clearly isn't working. And if they do break up, they find someone else within a month and the cycle continues. You need to know who you are as an individual in a relationship or the other will start to define you, and that never ends well.
@@whyisgamora4191 Lol, i know someone too with that, its Funny how often that Happens.
Exactly
Agreed, i won't be in a relationship if they'll never leave me alone if i need some time. Neither if we rarely see each other, tho.
As an outsider I too propose an alternative perspective on love: freinds+
Dont make 'that hole' someone else's problem.
If you feel incomplete @ that level it's because there's something in your own life that you are drawn to but you're not doing.
A partner wont give you your life's meaning for you.
At the risk of sounding like an incel… I just can’t believe you. Like I get that this ‘hole’ is coming from inside me, and is thus a feeling that occurs because I’m missing something in life, NOT a woman. But this feeling could equally be coming from my unrealistic beliefs about relationships because of the media. I genuinely believe that having a partner could make me so much happier, and I’m equally afraid that this hole inside me will continue and I’ll an emotionless husk even to this person I’ve confessed my love for.
If I could fill this hole in me just by pursuing the hobbies of my own life it would be such a relief, but I think this hole needs to be filled by a person, not a thing. I wish I didn’t need to crave human connection sometimes
It’s using the “@“ symbol the same number of clicks as just typing “at”?
@@chasealcorn1047 no need to rush things in life, take it easy and draw out from social media, I've been feeling better without knowing what everyone is doing on friday's night, you do your own thing and leave out the rest, everybody need somebody but social pressure is high these days like never before and you should let it slide if I even made sense
@@chasealcorn1047 So what I usually say to people with this mindset is, if you feel the need to have someone, you're not truly ready to have someone. Sure, a partner could make you feel happier as you said. Key word there is happiER. Like, you're already fine on your own and your partnership just makes it all the better.
For deeper understanding, let's say you'd be a truly happy person if you cleared all 10 levels of a videogame. In this scenario a relationship would be the 11th, bonus level, that you can access even before clearing all the main levels. Sure it gets you the extra points, but those bonuses won't compensate for your lack of cleared levels.
You probably still have work to do on your own. Generally unhappy people, those with low self esteem and especially ones feeling worthless tend to idolize getting / being in a relationship cause it kind of is an "easy" way to temporarily boost your percieved self worth, since you'd feel loved and/or give your love to someone hence not being completely "worthless" for the time. But in reality your worth is not defined by neither the amount of love you give to nor the love you receive from that one person.
All this isn't to say you can't be happy in a relationship if you have issues yourself, you just shouldn't desperately want to be in one cause it likely won't fix the fundamental problems. I'm also not saying you shouldn't try to find someone, but it's better to try being prepared ( by clearing as much of the main levels as possible ) for when you eventually do.
edit: visual clarity
@@yur1831 I get that about social pressure. I'm fortunate enough to be surrounded by supportive friends who don't pressure me in that way. I feel like this pressure is to mingle is coming from inside, but in reality its just these invisible social pressures that I reinterpret for my own thoughts? I realize that these kinds of desires change and disappear with time, I suppose I'll just let the feeling slide like you said. ty for replying, gives me some food for thought
Another issue I've been seeing lately is with the idea that there is certain """tactics""" you use to """obtain"""" a partner and that you can simply """"rizz""""" somebody. I think a lot of people don't understand that relationships-especially romantic ones-are built and love isn't always found immediately
I hate when people say rizz unironically I want to slap them
@@18rocksthegames78 loll real (I say rizz unironically)
The thing is that you need to put yourself out there and approach people and yes there are ways to "increase your chances" so they aren't wrong but this whole part has became filled with incels and dating coaches that "will help you get a girlfriend if you just buy this course for 50$ a month", and as you said a lot of people don't understand that love is built. You can't just "rizz" someone up and boom, you got love. Nah, rizz or these "tactics" is the "hook" seeing if the other person bites. Yea there's millions of fishes in the sea but what's a fishing rod without a hook and bait?
Dating is like a job interview and relationship like the actual job. Rizz is actually important for the interview and to say “I’m not gonna wear a smart shirt cus it’s just not me “ is just silly .
But when it’s time for the actual relationship Rizz goes in the back ground and it’s all about your capacity to actually love , be authentic, intimate , understand , forgive ect voice your boundaries.
Dating is about wining and taking the other about giving and being willing to lose for the sake of authenticity
Can't say I agree. Many women have gotten to the point where they will reject you just for approaching them the wrong way, without even getting the chance to know anything about you. I hate the idea as well, but it seems almost necessary nowadays.
Im so traumatized , I think any romantic encounter I will have will always end with harm or hurt. Its like a weird intrusive thought that builds a wall in front of my vision any time an opportunity arises for love
I feel the same but I don't have trauma, atleast I don't think so
Unfortunately, humans are complicated and contradictory beings. In most cases love comes with pain, but you can actually find love and avoid being hurt if you learn how to balance your feelings. This, however, implies not getting too attached to a partner. There is a thing called the hedgehog dilemma discussed by Schopenhauer. It states that humans by default hurt each other when they get too close to each other, this is why in any relationship/friendship we must keep a certain distance. I hope this bit of advice helps you overcome your fear of getting hurt in love and I hope you find a proper partner. If not, remember that aloneness is not that bad and it can, in many cases, be more healthy than being in exhaustive relationships.
Man I'm still at the stage of being astonished that anyone could be interesting in me romantically
Its at this point you stop seeking it out. If its meant to happen at some point, it will. Not by fate or anything, but because you'll both be genuinely interested in eachother, and likely treat eachother well because of that
Relatable on a spiritual level
The myth of "the one" is the major reason why divorce rates are so high in the US and all over the west. True love is working with your significant other no matter who they are, to improve each other and bring out the best in one another. Atleast it's what I learnt from my parents cut-throat relationship.
You should, not only love what your significant other is, but what they could become.
I kind of (not completely) disagree with this. Having this attitude can be really tricky, because if you're an idealist, like me, then you'll stay in unhealthy relationships because you just keep waiting for them to change and hoping it'll get better because you love them and know that they're a good person, but you just keep waiting, and fighting, and waiting, and fighting, hoping that the relationship will be healthy and eventually maybe someday you can be happy in the relationship too. Or you'll settle because you believe that you can change them. Not saying your attitude is wrong, but in extreme forms can be unhealthy (from personal experience). I do agree that the myth of "the one" is a major reason why divorce rates are so high.
nah, I'd blame it on extreme standards and hookup culture.
you don't find "the one", you take someone and carefully grow eachother to be the others "one".
this has been in my case which might be an isolated event but oh well.
@@ddude1212 Why do you view yourself as something destined for failure? You don't wait for your significant other to change, you should be the driving force in their life to encourage them to improve.
You are not destined for unhealthy relationships as long as you stay self aware. You are not stuck with a specific "mindset" and you can change it to better yourself. It takes time, effort and extreme self reflection.
Significant others can help you acheive this goal or they can stiffle you. If they stiffle you, (no matter their intentions or means) and you have tried to change that without success, then you should end or change the relationship. It takes a lot of time to learn, but by putting yourself in a box you only constrict yourself and prevent growth.
@@zacharym4592 Lots of self-esteem issues. :') Believe me, I've tried and spent all of my time and energy in some relationships trying to help people change and improve, but if someone doesn't want to change then they're not going to. No matter how lovingly you push them, even if they truly love you and try to improve, so you just keep hoping that maybe they will improve this time, still (some) people will quickly forget their goal and go back to what's comfortable when stress arises and it really matters. But still, you're right. No one is destined for unhealthy relationships, this has just been my personal experience. Your comment is underrated asf though, that's some wisdom everyone needs to hear, I was just clarifying myself I don't disagree with you at all.
-
Edit: I'm not saying that what I've said is true of everyone, I don't mean to portray a "everyone is selfish and only wants to serve themselves boohoo woe is me" kind of mindset, I know there's many people out there with a true gift of empathy and compassion who always work to improve themselves and heal themselves for their significant other while also pushing the other person, I'm just sharing my experiences as an idealist who just wants to be loved and has been taken advantage of a lot. :')
@@razumikhim yeah that's essentially what I am saying, accept I did not mention cultural phenomina which is most definetly a fair point
Sisyphus you’ve done it again. I just broke up with my girlfriend who I’ve been with for quite some time. I’ve been struggling with it as I truly care for her. This video helped me understand my reasoning so much better as I truly felt like I was beginning to lose myself within the relationship. Thank you for this incredible insight. I will for sure be diving into Beavoir’s books here soon :)
look at his other relationship advice, his one on breakups specifically helped me a lot. there is a light at the end of the tunnel my friend i promise
Sysiphus!! Again?!
I’m in the same situation
Ah god you had me. I thought Sisyphus made you break up with your gf, again
what made you feel like you were losing yourself in the relationship? i’m worried of this happening ahhhg
i've always found it interesting to hear about people's perception of love. they're all so different from each other, sometimes toxic sometimes not. but always genuine and pure.
What??
What x2
it's okay to be toxic as long as ur genuine and pure about it....?
@@noxabellus By "genuine and pure", he is referring to their belief. He is not saying that toxic relationships are healthy, but that those who institute such relationships tend to "genuinely and purely" believe that this is how love is. Both in the abuser and the abused. Many abusers in relationships aren't actively malicious a lot of the time, they just genuinely believe that this is what love is. Same with the abused. Its pretty sad, and ends up making both fall into a pit trap of misery based on their warped perceptions of love.
After mating, the male platypus will swim upstream to fight other male platypus to the death, only returning the following year when it is time to mate again, given that it has survived.
Me and my girlfriend had this issue where we both were new to how relationships work. We both realized that her fantasy of having someone to be the everything of is just that: a fantasy. I was heartbroken when I heard I gave her her dream relationship, and then found out it wasn't ideal. There is still love between me and her, but what we need to do is to navigate our relationship differently. We were trying to solve all our issues that are unique to us (we both have autism and we struggle with finding time to talk), but now we know that we have to be more reasonable with each others demands. I realize that I'm depressed and self-loathing, now knowing that I have to love myself and be able to stand on my own 2 feet. We tried walking this road by having me piggyback off of her for support. We still love each other, and now we will learn how to walk side by side
Love this! My bf is autistic and I'm Dyspraxic so I get that to an extent.
@@aurora_skye This was 5 months ago. However, I and her are still happily together! We have worked through most of the issues, and I am more confident in myself now. I wish you luck on navigating love, too!
@@driphearts8035 How are things going?
@@driphearts8035How is it going? You two still hanging in their?
@@hopelessamaturerougeofhope4399 YES INDEED! WE ARE STILL HOLDING STRONG AND ARE BETTER THAN EVER! WE WALK HAND IN HAND TO THIS DAY AND HOPEFULLY FOR THE REST OF THEM!
Looking through these comments, i noticed smtg. I’m just getting into my first relationship, and it was exactly what this video is on. We’ve been friends for a year. I decided to ask her to a dance just as friends, and she said yes. Ever since, we’ve just been talking and hanging out more. We’re a thing now, but it was totally different then how I had always seen it. It just kinda happened with no cliche love kinda shit. It’s refreshing like this to me. We built it up. She has other friends, I have other friends. We do some things together, we do some things apart. We’re both not perfect, but hey, I like it this way. Even if it doesn’t work out, I just found that this video is something I experienced first hand.
is it still working out
@@oliver-mk Real
I actually want to know if it worked out
Im dealing with the same rn
i hope it goes well for you @@dinkarfowkar999
I just got out of a relationship. We didn't look for eachother, we found. They fit to me like a jigsaw puzzle, but their expectations and views were different to mine, and it didn't work. I had to end it because it became toxic, and it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. The devotion part really hit home. They laid their life in my hands, and wanted me to do the same. I forgot who I was in favor of them. It's hard. I miss them but I know I made the right decision. This video helped affirm and voice how i feel.
How can they fit like a "jigsaw puzzle", if their expectations and viewe were completely different to yours?
@@saltukkezer5100 i mean the other things, they liked the exact same things i did, everything always clicked, we had silly humour no one i know could share with me like that, the same future goals and wants, our personalities fit
@@bresht7810 Ok i see :/ Wish you all the best in the future to find someone where everything clicks and the views and expectations are the same :)
Been there recently too. As sad as it was that things didnt work out. I cant say I was better off not meeting them in the first place and to a degree I felt like I needed to meet them in order to become a better version of myself. I hope you're doing well and can move on without harboring too many strong feelings against them. Hope you find what you're looking for.
@@bresht7810 It's honestly a bit weird. If their views are true, then their views and expectations should at least be related to the other things you mentioned.
Honestly I think it's nice to have a partner who have different views than you but still sticks with you, unless they're trying to force stuff or trying to make you yield to them deliberately. That partner must also have humbleness and let you have your ways in their life story too. Other than that, it sounds exciting and vast to have two people who are a bit different at some ways to be your parents.
Now, I'm only talking about the "good views" though... It won't be fun if they have "bad views" that repulse or hurt other people. This is a bit of a complex idea and I get what you meant, but I still stand by my previous point. Just think about it!
This affirms what I've come to realize. I can't be in a romantic relationship with someone who isn't also a friend I can respect.
In high-school I struggled to understand relationships, they all seemed to drain dignity from their participants, while the other person takes the dignity that is being poured out. As though people are using someone else in a parasitically symbiotic relationship for almost entirely social reasons. It was using another person to fill a need for dramatic distraction that defines individuality. This comes from a surface level 3rd party viewer, which may be where I lack understanding, but it never made sense. It gave the perspective that relationships are a script of shifting narcissism and devotion for the sake of itself.
Sounds like those people are just in a bad relationship, which I tangentially agree with. If a relationship lacks dignity, then those involved are probably in it for the wrong reason.
high school relationships are always a bit fucked up, it takes time to learn healthy intimacy and romantic relationships.
@@Max-rn3eb So true; People entering high school should be taught how relationships actually work. When I thought I found my "someone" I developed a world in my mind where it was narcissism and devotion. I knew I had a chance to get with them but since all of this was new to me I failed so hard and in the end she moved on from me.
@@fatmanwithabroom3221 Mmm absolutely, early relationships are also major learning experiences for further relationships not the peak of what they'll be like in life. you have the shitty relationships and the flings and crushes and obsessions when you're young, learn from it what you do and don't like and live according to that experience in the future. Nobody ever hopped on a bike and went 5km first try, they wore training wheels for a bit and fell over a few times
I had a dude who went around asking random girls to date him for the sake of being in a relationship, they even admitted that "my friends all have girlfriends" to my face :,)
'Ethical love' seems to be the type most easily found in friendships. Things are way less complicated if you straight up just remove having sex from the equation.
I'm in an asexual romantic relationship and things are good for us.
I don’t know if I’d say it’s just removing sex from the equation but just that people have a lot more expectations for romantic relationships and close friendships can also be really hard. Coming from someone who’s ace
@@tapiocababy1701 yeah with friends one would usually expect something like “this person is cool, I wanna spend more time with them” and not “will I be able to live with this person for the rest of my life?”
Yeah, I think even if people were more casual about sex in general, most romantic relationships would still be usually loaded with the same issues. It’s not the sex part that’s the problem, it’s the expectations and toxic/false beliefs people have about romance.
Yeah I often fantasize about a world where we reproduced asexually and it sounds like it'd fucking rock. But only if we still needed to be together as a society
I completely forgot myself trying to be that manic pixie dream girl for a man and just constantly submitting and it sickens me to think about it now. Its so harmful how women are constantly told to essentially be the “gift” for a man and to prioritize him over everything and give themselves up
It wound't be so Harmful if the man loves her back and in return they'd give themselves up for the one they love too
Plus it can happen to a "manic dream Man" aswell and they also would be treated as a gift aswell to the Female Protag. (I mean look at shoujo manga) 😕
Honestly it ain't all that bad so stop Rationalizing.
I can totally relate to this, I'm not a woman but I was conditioned as a woman before I transitioned. I thought I was unaffected by this idea of relationships after seeing my girl friends treated badly by their boyfriends. I felt disconnected from it when giving them advice, until it actually happened to me. There's a fine line between "being a giving partner" and "giving up yourself". I'm also sick to my stomach thinking of how I let my past partner shut down my feelings and "submit" to his, but there's two things to remember. It's not your fault, and you're not alone.
@@razzy9172 why is your first instinct when seeing a girl express her frustrations to use your own frustrations to fight with her? did she strike a nerve?
@@nessmarie6044 that's how free speech debate works in the comments everyone shares their opinions and offers insight on everyone else, you're doing this too. just let them sort out their disagreement and learn from the discussion
I don't know where you're from but the "women are constantly told to be gifts" part is pretty outdated by now, isn't it? Why the present tense?
I like it that the title is so similar to Olisunvia's video about love. The podcast you two collaborated in was a welcome surprise for me. Totally love the two of you and others with similar philosophical themed channels
Nothing like Canadian philosophy
1000000% sure he likes her.
@@anotherks7297 I mean she bad tho
this video immediately made me think of her video. two lovely artists on this website
Thought the title similarities were a little uncanny, very cool to know they've done a podcast!
Hi baefy sisyphus new video yes queen skinny legend versace boots the house down slay queen hunty mama and I oop daddy work charli xcx snatch my wig
???
LOL
Most coherent youtube content consumer
facts girl 💅
This could be completely unironic and we would never know
"love" in its purest form is simply a mutually beneficial relationship that hinges on dependence. it might seem like an oversimplification but i urge you to consider the idea with an open mind. the idea being that the powerful core of any loving relationship is the fact that both sides "need" one another for various forms of support, and through being needed it brings a feeling of importance and meaning to our lives. this phenomenon happens between pets, parents, lovers, and friends. i'll start by explaining it in terms of pets because their dependence is most obvious.
we love our pets because they depend on us. they need us for food, shelter, and (depending on the type of pet) for sociality reasons also. when we provide these things our pets love us. while on a superficial level we enjoy their physically expressed gratitude through their tail wagging, licking, and purring, on a deeper level it's fulfilling because we provide value to the pet. when we provide things of value to our pets and they express gratitude, we consider our own lives more valuable and meaningful as a result. it gives us a purpose.
lovers love their partners because their partner depends on them things like intimacy through sexual gratification (a powerfully embedded emotional conduit) and for understanding (and the resultant emotional connection). because partners depend on each other for these valuable things, each partner sees their lives as more valuable and meaningful as a result of the provision of these things to one another.
when parents have a newborn baby, the baby depends completely on the parents to stay alive. as a result of assuming this important parental role (which is literally life and death), the parents feel more important. parents love their children because the children depend on the parents for food, shelter, guidance, comfort, and everything in between. because the parents provide these valuable things for their children, the children love the parents. because parents provide these valuable things to their children, the parents consider their own lives to be more valuable and meaningful as a result.
this is why the phrase "they grow up so fast" is said with melancholy. when children grow older, parents find they aren't depended on as much as they used to be, so they feel like they're becoming less useful which makes them feel less important. this applies especially to mothers, as they attach proportionately more of their personal "value" to parenting than men who are more likely to get their feeling of importance through their careers.
when someone or (in the case of pets) something depends on you to provide things that make their life better, it brings new meaning to your life. it makes you feel important, and this striving to be important is a powerful driver of human motivation. . place a giant granite block in the middle of a field and it is useless. use it in the foundation of a bridge and it becomes responsible for a massive contribution to convenience in a society. when we're useful to another person, it makes us feel important. the fulfilment which comes from the feeling of personal importance brought on by a mutually beneficial relationship is what we experience as the emotion of love.
The very few good things that Darwinian nature bestow to many sentient life.
I disagree with at least half of what you wrote, but unfortunately I don't have the mood to write ~6 paragraph essay to explain why.
@@TheShut1 Man now I'm curious :/
@@TheShut1 if you can't find a simple way to explain why you disagree then you're probably leaning towards a more romanticised perception of love, meaning that your reasoning is emotion based and thus not clear. emotion is a poor foundation for reason
I cant agree more with you theory. I hope future generations will be more self concious and accepting of change not only regarding love.
As an aroace person, i often get real frustrated with the societal pressure that I must absolutely seek out a partner in order to be happy in life. Having family and friends that care about me is enough for me. And I think it's that same societal pressure that causes many of my peers to rush into relationships that are obviously never gonna work out. Sometimes things are just complicated. Some people such as myself don't desire those kinds of relationships, and the people who do desire it sometimes it'd be better to just be patient.
Gotta love societal standards forcing everyone to live exactly the same life every other human ever has lived...
I'm only aro but I feel the exact same way. Sometimes it almost feels nihilistic in a way despite it basically trying to do the exact opposite.
@@EliTriesToBeFunny that's because life is inherently meaningless, there's no reason for anything to be anything at any time, anywhere.
What matters is what we do with the meaningless time we have, life doesn't have to be miserable if you don't want it to be.
I wish I was born like you, being in love several times just to see myself being alone afterwards is worse than hell, makes life colorless and tasteless because you now how good it felt when you had that person by your side in this short human life..
@@FeedMeChaos1 I think the same about life yet loving someone just to end and be back to be alone kinda hard to not feel miserable...
I think there are a few important things to have a successful romantic relationship:
- love a friend - love on first sight is great in movies, but in real life it rarely holds up. Your lover doesn't need to be an exact copy of you, but the chances of it working really benefit from having common interest or shared ideals.
- compromise - as mentioned in the video, neither demanding all, nor giving yourself fully is healthy. You will need to find the middle step on anything you disagree on. You may not like it but sometimes you'll have to give what you don't want to, and sometimes you'll have to stand your ground even if retreating would be easier.
- expect fights - no two people will go together without an argument. A disagreement doesn't mean that your perfect partner is actually a rotten liar and should be replaced, perfection doesn't exist, and even the most ideal couple will have a little scrape here and there. Just be ready to forgive and be forgiven when the storm has passed
- display interest - many people tend to fall into routine and stop really taking eachother for the precious lovers that they are. I'm not saying you should go to a restaurant every day and travel to a different holiday destination every weekend, but try to occasionally pleasantly surprise your partner. Even with mundane things such as doing some of their chores or just sparing a couple pleasant words. The tiny breaks in the routine will make sure that your partner doesn't feel forgotten. On that note
- love language - it's a fancy term for basically figuring out what way of expressing love is the most favourite by your dearest. Some people like words, some like physical contact, and some really like gifts. There's more options, so Google it, I don't remember perfectly.
That's what I'd say. I know that a bit over a year and a half isn't exactly the world record, but my current relationship has been going amazing, and is honestly only getting better with time, even as the initial hormones wear off and the routine sets in so I'd say we're onto something here.
How's it going now if you don't mind me asking?
I love your expressing of the dichotomy between "expressing oneself as unique" and "belonging to something greater" as it relates to love. I think these two divergent drives have their place in every aspect of life, and that their correct balancing against the needs of the moment is necessary for individual well-being.
@@UnKnownv5 I agree 👍 human nature is pitiful
@@UnKnownv5 why?
@@noxabellus Last Man
@@capitalism2557 excuse me?
@@noxabellus Are you aware?
Love -- real, genuine love -- is a supremely rare thing. To love is choosing to will the good of the other for the sake of the other.
Many people feel desire or experience romance and mistake it for love. Desire and romance are fleeting sensations that require little effort.
Love demands we empty out our own ego so we might advance the good of another. Love is one of the highest expressions of self-sacrifice.
I don't think genuine love requires us to 'empty out our own ego'. As the video explains, neglect for your own needs and aspirations is not only unhealthy for you, it also creates toxic, unbalanced relationships and keeps you trapped in them, and is overall contrary to happiness for everyone involved. The key is in balance. An equitable acknowledgement of each other's needs, a transcending of the dichotomy between self-respect and altruism.
Unless of course you use the term 'ego' as a synonym of 'egocentrism', in which case, sure I agree.
@@AliciaB. I agree with your statement. Like I said in another comment, and from my own experience with toxic relationships.... A good person knows how to balance their selfish and selfless needs. A good relationship consists of people who know how to balance said needs, and communicate said needs to one another.
@@bashartz absolutely
i dont think romance is easy coming from an aroace
Disagree,I think true love is fairly commun
I hate it when men desire women to ultimately submit. It's insulting and wrong.
100%, same the other way around, and with trying to force anything else on them aswell.
Wdym by ultimately submitting? Like the man becomes an authority?
Nah in relationships someone has to have more pull in the power dynamic, their is no partnership, it's either your on top or your not
Yeah feels more like parent and child than two partners...
@@ravenwhiteduck6460 … while I agree that there is always the leader and follower… that doesn’t mean there isn’t a partnership.
It would be interesting to see a story from the manic pixie dream girl's point of view. She's got some sort of disorder or a personality that isolates her from people, and while people assume she doesn't care, it's actually a huge point of insecurity and shame. Then there's just some super mentally unstable dude who she knows probably needs a little extra love, and she is like, "hello friend! You can achieve your dreams! :D"
And slowly he starts idolizing her and putting her on a pedestal, needlessly, simply because she's kind to him and actually manages to connect with him.
I'm considering writing this now.
omg PLEASEEE write this i need it now
This might be late, but I'm pretty sure Heathers has this plot.
I would not mind reading a book like that tbh
me and my ex in a nutshell.
Yes they idealize you. They put you above and beyond as if you’re this talented and perfect individual. Until the cracks start revealing themselves and you can no longer hide who you are. You aren’t perfect, you’re broken in some ways like everyone else. Once the idealization ends. They get bored of you and dump you. That’s the life of the manic pixie dream girl. You are seen as mysterious,cool, intimidating and put together. But in reality you’re just mentally ill
This is so helpful. I’ve been in my first serious relationship for almost a year now. When I met him he described himself as a hopeless romantic, and I’m fully convinced that he is just in love with the idea of love. Relationships have always crumbled around me growing up so I have no idea whether this relationship will work or not.
Maybe bring that concern up in some way and see what hes saying
100% let him know what you think
are you both still together?
It is so hard to see the point sometimes, when the things in life I think are meaningful turn out to mean nothing, and the people who are supposed to love me don't.
The only meaning in life is that you proscribe
Love is about what you are giving and what you are open to
Damn, that’s a bar. Don’t listen to these other replies, your feelings are valid
It's never meaningless if at any point you believed it wasn't. An experience is an experience, big or small.
No such thing as good or bad. It is all about perspective. Change your perspective and come into line with your feelings. Even what you perceived as a bad relationship has meaning. It taught you what you don't want, right? Lessons are hard but meaningful.
It is hard but keep your head up 🌻
Tbh: I’m glad I am single, even older because I certainly understand the need to have a supportive partner walk side by side… in life’s journey. If I do meet a kindred soul to walk the path with me then great if not then I’d be fine alone too. ✨
I hope you find someone to walk side by side to
@@UnKnownv5 it depends on the person tbh. If one can have long term friendships you can have long term relationships. Pessimism is a different thing from realism.
@@Ninonator3 same :)
@@UnKnownv5 I see that you're a grateful one. Wish the best for ya
Then your lineage dies with you centuries of dna Lost because you can’t find you special someone
8:36 “We share each other’s lives, all the while respecting the fact that the good you see in the other cannot be restricted but should rather be free to grow unencumbered by your own idealistic expectations”
❤I need to remember this
I don't want to get into a relationship for a few reasons.
1. They never work out at my age
- I've been in a relationship and often the commitment can't be found when you don't live together, can't choose when to get together outside of school, and your feeling aren't developed.
2. My life isn't good, my mental health is terrible, and I don't want to put people through it.
- I have really bad depression and anxiety and I don't want to cause someone the same things I go through. I don't have enough time to commit myself to a relationship.
3. Everyone who I know believes in peer pressure.
- No one might directly say anything about it. I think people at my age get into relationship because of comparison and peer pressure. I have felt like I needed a partner, when clearly I need myself more. I think the only people at my school who should get into relationships are the people who know how they actually work, have good commitment, and know how to give people space and also care for people at the same time.
Conclusion: As a Junior, I just don't like feeling forced to get into a relationship for a dance, holiday, social acceptance, etc. I honestly wish I didn't feel any romantic feelings for anyone because everytime I do, it's between 3 things. The person who I see as a partner is already in a relationship, doesn't want to be in a relationship, or they shut me out and never give me an actual answer. I feel incomplete all the time, not because of me not being in a relationship, but because I feel like I don't fit in anywhere. I want to be seen as a good person, but people don't care about you or your problems. I never believe in unconditional love because it seems that love has been withhold from me both in my family and in my attempts to get into a relationship. I share my experiences with people and then they don't really care enough to actually be there for me. I constantly feel alone because no one understands what I'm going through. It doesn't help that I put a façade on and make myself look happy, when I'm breaking down on the inside. I feel like a failure in my social life because most of the friendships I was in are failed because they are withheld from me. I'm sorry for the tangent, it's just I feel that the wrong people are in relationships and friendships while the people suffering continue to suffer as people ignore them.
Bro you just summed up exactly all my thoughts
@@chron1cdelay That's what I'm saying. Many people go through the same and have the same problems, but it can be hard to come forward with it or accept it. I had trouble with putting thoughts into words.
It’s cause people try to force it and rationalize it. They like to pretend love is perfect, but it’s not. It’s messy. It’s a beautiful mess and a constant uphill battle. Compromise, fights, arguments, etc… The thing that keeps two people together though is love. And you can’t force it, you find it when you least expect it. A quote I love is “love isn’t “and nothing can ruin this”, it’s “anything can ruin this, but I’m going to fight to make sure that nothing does” (comment section of “And Nothing Can Ruin This by exubra1). Love is messy, but it’s worth it. And if you aren’t willing to fight for it, you aren’t willing to love.
I don't think I can handle being loved anymore right now. Romantically or otherwise. The fantasy of a partner used to be interesting to me, a relief even, but only in the concept of someone who knew me so well I never really had to make the effort to be understood. That they could cater to me and my needs with little time spent explaining myself or asking for it, and I assume that desire comes from feeling like I don't (like to) ask people for things and when I do I feel I have to justify the burden I put on them. By the time I finally found someone who was interested in me, I had created a version of myself that felt so divorced from my true feelings and needs that I could not accept that they really loved the "real" me. Eventually I had to give up being with them, I could not bear the weight of their fondness for a side of me that felt so manufactured. And when I think about it now, I realize that when that person or my friends and family say they love me it is in response to my kindness. The kindness that comes from sacrifice and obfuscation. And it makes me uncomfortable. I don't want to be loved for the lie. But I cannot believe they would love me for the truth, because deep down I do not love who I believe I truly am. So for now I would rather be alone, cause at least then I don't have to worry about this stuff as much. Hopefully one day I'll muster the courage to grow and be different
I hope one day you find yourself, life is hard
@@mcmuffin9805 Thanks 💙
Have you considered going to therapy? A person trained to help you figure out where this self loathing comes from could help you too.
There's this person whom I really admire and respect. She's usually quiet and reserved, never too open when it comes to social interactions and keeps to herself when she's uncomfortable. She usually just hangs out with her close circle of friends, and when she doesn't, she spends her alone time, which makes it hard to make use of opportunities to get closer to her in person. I don't mind that though, since she needs her time. Anyway, despite that, we have been chatting for the past few months. Whenever I compliment her, she usually finds it hard to believe. Heck, she finds it REALLY hard to believe that someone like me got to like her. She usually doubts compliments, to the point where she even told me she would rather be scolded because she was more used to that. From what's been told, she's been constantly judged throughout her life, to the point where she became more anxious and self-conscious. She also feels it's hard to explain herself and what she feels. I want her to feel like she's welcome, but I can't help but feel like she will think that she will never be appreciated for who she is for a long time. Your comment made me wonder about it. Am I the one who isn't going to be ready to see and accept who she truly is? Is she feeling the same way as you? Can I make her feel appreciated fully? I want to try. I want to accept her wholeheartedly. I hope I can reach her and make her understand, but at the same time, I hope I'll be able to do it in a way that respects her personal space. I hope I can be ready and accept her "truth". She deserves someone that can admire her for who she truly is and what she's comfortable with.
Okay, here's some advice: If you ever get the chance, get therapy. I think it would help you a lot.
”Make yourself whole, and everything else will be a bonus”
Easier said than done
You'll never feel complete 😅
As someone to whom romance never really came easily, that specialness of finding someone i felt something for became more fantasized, and everytime i thought i might like someone, my brain immediately made them my everything. It’s a sort of desperateness that i think stems from a feeling of wanting something i don’t think i can have. To me love is an unreachable and incomprehensible goal, and it’s only now i realize that there’s more to it than that. A couple of months ago i think, i fell in love for the first time. To someone i’ve been friends with for over a year. She makes me feel like life is just a bit brighter, i don’t have this expectation that she needs to do anything for me, all i want is for her to just be there, and listen like she always does. Because she won’t solve my problems, all she’ll do is, make the world seem a little less scary, knowing somebody will be there for you when you fall, and be there to see be happy for your success.
I could live without her, we could live just fine without one another, but why would i? When she’s helped me through so much, made me a better person, when i’ve helped her and made her a better person. I wanna continue getting better with her.
It's interesting to watch this as someone who, if we have to give labels, is aromantic. Romantic love and relationships have always been a mystery to me.
@@sunflowerfrompvz49 yes exactly, it never goes past platonic love. I have never fitnessed celebrity crushes nor real crushes. For some reason it just doesn't happen.
@@sunflowerfrompvz49 the "butterflies in your stomach" refers to the feeling of being turned on, its not romantic attraction.
🙁
@@accounfour2402 idk about that, i always associated it with being anxious, which isn't a good thing, but does happen a lot when you interact with someone you are developing feelings for
I can grasp the concept of dating. My brain literally just won’t let me.
Love is wanting and trying to make the partner you devoted to happy and not suffer. Not what you expect the other partner do for you. Simple as that. Both parties need to have this concept for a lasting relationship. The end.
Any romanticization, thinking about status, and the expectation that being in a relationship is the one thing that going to bring you happiness is already a wrong and selfish way, to look at love in the first place.
we put love on a pedestal. we see it as something of mystical force that barges through every hurdle and makes everything possible. we think it is all we will ever want of life and it will fill the holes in the pit of our stomachs. we believe love will complete us and give reason to every unreasonable parts of our selves, and thus we sacrifice everything. i genuinely think that as great as love is, people are expecting too much of it.
Also I feel like we are pressured to rush into relationship at a young age. Never having been in a relationship in highschool, college, at 30 etc might be looked down upon but there is just no reason for it. I think lots of relationships fail because they are rushed. Not trying to build a solid friendship first, just rushing to the first pretty person who shows interest in you without even knowing them. Once that excitement fizzles out you realize you don't know them and they can't read your mind and complete you. So let's just take a breath and don't rush. Also gives us space to be our own person
Reading through the comments while watching, seeing so many different perspectives on it is really neat. There's something I told someone I really care about, and that's that love isn't just an emotion, but also an energy. Love comes in all shapes and forms, towards ourselves and others.
I know that no matter what happens, no matter how things turn out, there'll always be some form of love. Romantic, platonic whichever outside or inbetween there will always be that warmth and compassion. Love doesn't end at one thing, and it doesn't start at another, it just is.
And really? I'm just happy I have people that share that with me, that I have a person I can share that with. But one things for sure, sharing that with ourselves, is just as amazing.
I don't truly NEED someone, but having someone, is nice.
This is the most comforting fact I have learned in my life. Love is everywhere if you just look a little, like a frequency you have to tune into.
@@sunyourbuns1351 wait until bro finally learns what a floating signifier is 💀
@@hearts0feden I frankly don't think you've said anything of value here. Are diseases energies too? Ideas? Religions? Any other emotion under the sun?
The standard romance you experience in novels and films is great to witness, but the true teamwork of what love is I find to be significantly more rewarding.
A relationship isn’t 2 people giving a half to make a whole. It’s both partners giving everything they have
Nah that's just codependency.
Fr a relationship shouldnt equal 1 it should equal 3. Each partner having their own life and the third being the relationship itself.
@@ItsRaevie i love that
@@lucanachname9911 incorrect. Codependency is reliance on each other. I’m talking about 2 people who are stable by themselves and give the relationship as much as they can. I don’t mean giving so much of themselves that they don’t know who they are outside of the relationship
Relationships are things humans do. Let it be a simple as that.
Love is just a ignition for the fire, while you have to keep the woods and arrange them (effort) so it burns longer.
I’m 16 and I’m with this guy, this video has changed my perspective on us. I’ve come to see his narcissistic tendencies and how little he values me. Everyone asks me why haven’t I left him and it’s because I’m afraid of being in my own company, I gave him a part of me I can’t get back. It breaks my heart that I have so much of my soul and wasn’t appreciated. Don’t be like me guys, remember to put yourself first. Don’t neglect your partner but make sure you can survive without them because god forbid the day comes when you see their true colors leaving won’t be an option. You get stuck in a hurtful cycle.
By you saying "a part of me I can't get back" I imagine u gave him your virginity? If so I'm so sorry to hear that, that's why I say people are indulging way to deep in the things of love at an age in which they are not even prepared for themselves, therefore they will be even less prepared for the people to come to them, u can love at a young age but loosing your virginity so young is never a good idea(u can tease with sexual stuff but doesn't mean u should instantly go into it), u can love someone being young and spend years together without crushing that boundary of intimacy, if things have gone well and they are still by your side for such a time without indulging in sex, and u still treat eachother and enjoy eachother, then officially u have both won LOVE for yourselves and for eachother...
@@samanthaguzman-go1vm ur 16. Focus on school
I think it’s so important you brought up the ideas of “being special” and “belonging to something greater”. that plays a major role in love that and equality, people don’t understand our generation struggles so much with love because every believes they’re more special than the next causing many narcissistic relationships on both sides, or they believe that person is better or more special and this causes devotion. the last option is they believe the person is less special causing a one side narcissistic relationship.
I used to dream of that manic pixie dream girl being in my life when I was young, but the more I grow the more I realize love is a compliment to you and someone else's life. To engage into a relationship is building a tower together but not overwork yourself to the point of killing your self worth, to compliment each other without sacrificing your identity, to simply be the familiar and appreciated passenger of this train of life (I hope my analogies are understandable)
1 Corinthians 13:4-7
“4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”
I'm not religious but I do believe that this is the best description of love and how it should be.
I really liked this vid. Especially the idea of love being narcissistic in the sense that we often want to use it to promote our own self worth without it overshadowing us.
I just broke up with my girlfriend 2 days ago, for the realization that I enjoyed love, but not her. Never miss Sisyphus 55.
Same exact thing, very recently broke up
Lmao
@@atanaZion clown shit fr.
The verbal efficiency in which ideas are laid out in many of these videos is excellent. It takes the narrator 10 mins what takes me the better part of an hour to explain to others.
@@UnKnownv5 Good to know, what would you suggest I read and pay attention to instead?
@@UnKnownv5 do you mean the books referenced? The Denial of Death, The Second Sex, and the Ethics of Ambiguity? Or do you mean the synoptic gospels involving Jesus Christ?
honestly as an aroace i rlly think that how love and relationships are getting pushed on everyone is fucking ridiculous. like sure, i think for 90% of ppl its intrinsic and it just is there, but for the other 10% (including me) its just a thing that everyone else experiences. i just watch from the sidelines seeing ppl seemingly care far too much abt being in a relationship. they even compromise for stuff, and imo that shouldnt have to happen. neither should having to be in a relationship to be happy. like for me i dont g e t fulfilment from a relationship (other than maybe platonic ones like friends and shit). i get it by doing the shit im interested in. even for an allosexual alloromantic, even if theyre in a relationship, they should still be able to do stuff theyre interested in at some point. like honestly. its never rlly made much sense why everybody cares as much as they do abt that kinda stuff but i guess thats what movies and society as a whole has done. its sad really. i just think if u really want to, u should be able to live alone or maybe with some friends. those should also be 100% completely valid options. actually really wanting to live how u want in any way in that regard should be. for me i just want to be able to live either by myself or with someone so im not alone and have atleast 1 person to talk to, and still be able to do the shit i like to do.
edit: holy fuck this blew up lol. i just typed my opinion on this shit and 375 of u actually liked or related to this enough to like this. epic
people who "need" love in their life view it the wrong way. You shouldn't exactly "need" someone in your life to feel whole, you should work on yourself first and be whole and content with yourself, and then a partner would be an addition to that. Be strong on your own, yes, but some days you just don't have it in you to be strong, that's when your partner is going be the strength for you. Some days when you feel like breaking down, your partner is going to be there to comfort you. On days when things are better, it feels nice to have someone support you and cheer you on and celebrate your achievements as well
That's how I view it (:
What do you even spend your time doing lol.
@@accounfour2402 their hobbies? talking to their friends, etc?? 💀
@@MimoriAzume that sounds useless
@@accounfour2402 what the hell do YOU do in your free time? You're telling me you don't have interests, hobbies, friends, goals?? I've done nothing but play video games for the past month and I'm having the time of my life 💀
Just went on a "brake" with my gf. We're now just friends, and i wish i would've seen this video at least a day before today. I think it might've helped me deal with my expectations and problems a bit better. I''ve been dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts for a long time, but they've only been actually diagnosed recently. Due to these problems, iv'e put an IMMESURABLE amount of stress on my gf. Not only by being a suicidal fuck, but also by always being sad when she's out doing stuff with other people, which i realise now was soooo wrong. but that's what depression does to you...i hope im not using this an excuse for being a bad partener. anyways: everytime i would hear about the good stuff she's doing, or the fun she's having with her family, i'd always feel bad, and sad, and i would share my thoughts with her, which over time has made it so that she absolutely cannot have fun anymore with other people, without me ruining her day later. Example; having fun with friends; texts me; i say i wanna ... ; she feels bad; no more fun today;.
Repeat like that for a long enough time and you end up where i am right now. We're friends now basically. Or at least so we say? Idk really. Pretty much nothing has changed, besides the fact that we're gonna do no more romantic stuff, or at least so we say...we haven't gotten together since then, so i don't really know how that would work.
She said that i need time alone, time to actually sort myself out, time for her to actually enjoy her life and not have to get it ruined by me all the time, and i think she's right. I wanna use this time to actually better myself, find a way to actually be happy, and then maybe...start from the beginning with her. And have actual love. Ethical Love.
Could also be that we just basically broke up and shit is never gonna work again but hey, let's not think about that...ty for reading.
the fact that youve realised all of this shows that youve grown as a person. i hope you do end up finding actual ethical love. you sound like a lovely human being, i wish you strength and happiness
the self-realization and choice to improve yourself is lovely to see. i wish you well on your search for an ethical love
Ty for the replies guys. It feels great. Also update: we met at the bus and she kissed me. Im happy.
Hey man, it sounds like you're on track to finding a healthy way to tackle these emotions. Something that I learnt through therapy is that the way we have been raised moulds the way we act within these sort of relationships.
If you have a therapist, I would bring up the topic of Attachment Theory and maybe some of the Emotional Schemas that form our beliefs. It's helped me a LOT.
Also, if you can find a new and exciting hobby to persue, I think it's the best time to get started :)
focus on yourself king
Haven't finished the video yet but I think part of the reason it's messed up is because we think we need to "own" someone. I'm a bit younger so the experience of going on dating apps, going out with the intention to find a partner etc is foreign to me and being gay I don't rlly have a huge pool of people to date from (and I'm fine with that, most of my relationships come from ppl who im in friendships with anyway lol). Because of that I have a really different opinion on what love is than most people do.
Before this year I never understood why people were so obsessive over it either. I haven't fallen "in love" with many women in my life and when I began to lose "feelings" (and this, being vague doesn't help given 'feelings' could mean anything and in this case it means anxiety for me) and stop overanalyzing every interaction that's when I felt I was starting to go deeper with someone if that makes sense. But for many people jealousy and fear seems to be part of the equation when it really shouldn't be. People want grand, romantic gestures where people prove their love. When they see others getting it they get sad and angry (which, again, confuses me? because seeing other people accomplishing that is more inspiring than saddening to me? but when i see the comment sections of those couple posts its always things like 'hahaha thats great *shoots myself*' )and lament that their relationship isn't like that. But...does it have to be?
I've gone through a lot of shit this year that's taught me that love isn't the thing that fulfills you but as with all relationships it's meant to be a reciprocal way of helping each other through this life. And, in my opinion that's what all relationships are platonic or not are, but in different ways. It looks different and I think we need to let go of the assumptions we have about what it should be, but the reality of what it is.
I'm way more optimistic about my romantic endeavors now, as i've had two good relationships and tbh when I was a kid i never thought i'd ever get one. But I feel like the way we depend on love as a culture is codependent.
Well written. People need to fix themselves and their mindset about relationships. Feeling the need to "own" someone, the obsessiveness over relationships and the expectations of those grandiose gestures along with the envy felt towards others and many other things all come from self esteem problems, insecurity. All those things many think are problematic, just aren't real. The real problem is within the self.
I'm so f-- sick of loving someone just to feel depressed after it all ends, feels like watching a really good movie untill you were kicked off from it without having the right to see the end.. All I feel is emptyness until I get used to be alone and even "happy" until the next woman shows up steals my heart and don't stay
this video changed my life and the way i view romanticism and love thank u
Honestly the hardest part of a healthy relationship is learning to compromise and to listen. For me I am stubborn and can be hard headed, which works to hurt relationships when I am in the wrong whether at work or in the home. Taking time to think on issues which helps separate yourself from the at the time intense emotions allows for solutions (which ussually involve some compromise) that doesn't involve annoying or worse emotionally hurting the other party. Also listening and being present always help, finding time to be with the other person separate from others is a valuable resource which can be hard to get the longer you go into the relationship.
Hope this helps, and have a good one.
This is EXACTLY what I tell my friends, since we’re still teenagers, they focus on the superficial aspect of relationships, but they don’t listen to me and they get offended when I try to help them realize. Ignorance is bliss no?
Ignorance stops being bliss once they look around and realize they have no idea what to do next in life. Im with you.
Thank you for uploading this. I’ve been feeling very lost and depressed recently and I think one of my unhealthy escapism type ideas come from a devotion to love. Wanting to find purpose through worshipping a partner. This really helped me back on track to a healthy relationship with love. I think I’m gonna spend my next free year exploring myself and try to find confidence and joy in just being. Your videos genuinely help others by presenting complicated philosophy ideas in a simplified more digestible manner.
This video was recommended at the right time in my life. Recently, there is a person that makes me feel special whenever they are around, but I could not define whether this relationship was closer to a friendship or that of lovers. This video is the answer I need. Thank you so much!
Great video. I think Erich Fromm deserves a mention, since - in my opinion - his ideas are kind of like a counterpart to Becker's. Whilst a reduction in secularity has resulted in the tendency to create a "hero complex" founded in our significance to other people (and their significance to us), an increase in capitalism has led to people adopting a commercialist approach to finding a partner. We use our own value on the "personality market" to leverage the best return possible, in the form of a partner that conforms to our standards and expectations, which are largely (if not entirely) influenced by the social consensus of the communities we live in. Since love has come to be viewed as a commodity, we try to valuate it and gauge its worth relative to the investment it requires.
While I would not deny Capitalism and Marketing have exacerbated this effect, dont you think that sexual selection has always been functioning by that logic to some extent, as it does in animals? (usually males competing for the healthiest and most beautiful females)
This video helps me a lot in shifting my perspective towards love. I got my heart broken by many people in the past which leads me to prioritize on my interests more. I also began to have a more pessimistic outlook on being in a relationship. As time goes, I now have found someone I love and want to spend the rest of my life with. However, I think I sometimes focus on my passions than putting energy to love my partner. This is why me and my partner have been having a lot of disputes.
I’m not a type of person who simply walks away from one relationship when things goes wrong. I always push for communication so I can know what I did right or wrong in the relationship. Therefore, I can avoid to do certain things to not hurt my partner’s feeling.
I think most relationships ended up failing because both sides do not want to put efforts in fixing their relationship.
I hope I can find balance in my current relationship.
I used to watch your videos all the time. I fell into a head space where I felt like I couldn't handle watching your videos anymore. I just couldn't handle such deep thought. I don't think I'm better yet, but I'm happy you're still here. Thank you for being here even after I wasn't. Please keep making amazing content and I promise one day I'll be ready again.
i love how sisyphus tackle timeless problems and questions, in the foreground, whilst including temporary trends and jokes in the background.
I recently learned about the mirror effect. It's when you acknowledge things in other people that you like or hope to accomplish and the other person feels the same. This video and that concept really made me rethink things about my current relationship. Where are things stemming from? Have I grown beyond my partner and are they going to grow alongside me? I'll write the quote about the mirror effect because I suck at explaining things: "When you change, I either have to change or repel you because everything inside of you is inside of me. The minute you change, I see my mirror. I see everything I didn't accomplish or didn't do. Because I am seeing it through your change, you were showing me your mirror, so I stop being friends with you because you are reminding me of the things I'm not doing in my life. That is the mirror effect."
Thats really interesting. Thanks!
Thank you for the video. I needed this more then I thought I did.
Sisphus this is one of the best videos I've ever seen on TH-cam and I'm not exaggerating. It gave me so much to consider in such little time. Thank you, truly.
Was in love, in a relationship, we parted way respectfully, we didn’t argue, we just believed that we weren’t fit for each other
@Heavyhead2k1 rough 😬, hope u doin better bro
We should not rely on love to save us or make us feel whole. We should rely on what’s already inside of us, all the positivity that’s inside of us.
My first “relationship” was with a guy named Cameron and it ended when he broke up with me over text. I was the one who chose it to stay that way, because I don’t want to be used and manipulated by a significant other.
Maybe I can sort it out with him, but in the meantime I want him to think about what he did.
Meanwhile me :I just want a friend who wont leave at the first problem and can at least want to live with me voluntarily. In love and most of the other relationships in life you need to set the bar low since reality is often dissapointing
you should do one of " how we think of friends is messed up"
These comments are both so heart-wrenching yet so beautiful. I've been lost in them for a while now, and I'm so proud of the self-realization found here.
I never got why people say things like “I want a man who will treat me like a Queen” or really any variation of that, a good relationship stems from someone who just treats you like a human.
So... being treated like trash then?
@@dumblenutz5561why should we default to treating other humans like trash?
@@tapwater4425 Because trash deserves to get treated like trash, duh.
Deez
I hate synchronicity sometimes. I don't want to see a video about something that's hit me recently, yet here we are...
I have an imaginary manic pixie dream boy in my head who ive “been dating” since last summer.
its really difficult getting rid of him, but i think i would have ended my own life before without him, or gotten close to it. ive realized “he” is more of a second voice in my head, a second version of myself trying to calm me down whenever possible. but it feels so good to be loved. I tried dating someone I’ve liked on and off for 5 years a few weeks ago, and as soon as he confessed I felt nothing and at the same time felt like I was cheating on “him”. Yet after we broke up I found myself trying to go back to the real guy just for attention and praise.
I don’t want “him” in my head anymore but I’ll have no consolation if I get rid of him. He’s the only thing keeping me leveled and I have no idea what to do. I refuse to e-date, its never gone right, and I don’t have any chance at degen men online giving me sexual praise because I’m a minor and refuse to do something like that underage. I think the main reason for my hypersexuality is because it makes me feel whole and like i’m loved, even for only a moment. I know praise isn’t necessary in life but I don’t know where else to go. After living in this fantasy for so long, once someone I trust treats me slightly differently than my pixie dream boy, I feel confused and wonder if they even like me.
I think it’s mostly about self confidence, I’ve been feeling better these days so I haven’t had to daydream about pixie boy much but everytime i fall down, I daydream again. I feel simply gross each time I talk to AIs to “fill” that praise void. I just want someone real who’s like pixie dream boy. I made him more realistic in order for me to be happy, but will I ever truly be happy like this? Praise starved and going to such lengths to get even a grain of it? I’ll keep trying my best to be independent, but i’ve got a long road to tread before I get to a point where I am.
I really like Sisyphus. I don't think we'd be amazing friends, but I like him in the way he can sit me down and talk to me. Calmly, quietly, and accurately. It puts me at ease to understand these kinds of things better, and without him, I probably would've been lost.
To most Love means never wanting someone to be hurt, protecting them and trying to be your best for them. it's like a promise to be everything someone could dream a good person should be. Love is subjective topic that it's what makes Love such a complex feeling since it differs from person to person. At first when I first thought about Love was that it was the means to want to help others because you love/care for them but ofcourse it's so much more than that. To me now, Love is what keeps us going, we keep going as we go through our hardships, as long as what and who we love is there, Love will always be a part of what makes up our Determination to keep on living
One of the best decisions of my life was to just enjoy romance as it comes, and to love my friends as closely and lovingly as possible. Those people are the ones I want to spend my time on earth with. I only actually date people I've been good friends with for at least two years, because I already know I love and trust them enough to be happy around them. Then if we eventually break up for whatever reason, we're still friends. We still love each other, just not romantically anymore. And we give each other space and room to grow outside of that former romantic relationship before being closer than ever before.
I'm really lucky. Even if the rest of my life tends to hurt, I'm really lucky to have friends who I can openly love up and be safe with. My platonic feelings are just as (if not doubly more) passionate as my romantic ones, Props of being demiromantic I suppose. At the end the day though, I'm just happy to have community and purposes beyond that love
as someone in my first ever healthy relationship, soon to be a junior in highschool now
there is times we get upset but we take the time to sit down and talk about our problems and then later treat each other with a mini date or abit of quality time and it ends up fixing our relationship, to just communicate and talk instead of setting expectations of each other it truly runs in the longrun
though i am not a relationship expert, i am only saying what has kept my personal relationship healthy and the way it is rn
i never really payed attention to drama shows, romantic shows or love shows
I just was feeling a little alone, but kept on with my life.
Then I found my partner and she was just perfect.
I and her are just living life and this is how it should go
If I were you, when I wake up, I would imagine what it's like to wake up with her never having been in your life. Feel the loneliness again. That way you'll never take her for granted, and loneliness won't be a scary unknown to you.
"..Openly cynical and privately hopeful.." wow.
This was really great
I honestly have never given romantic love a thought ever. It kinda just existed but it never really affected me.
I never know if I find love to be an addition of self or a missing piece. I feel like it's both but not entirely the person who is the missing piece but the way you interact with the world when you are in love. it's like an alternate form of yourself and allows you to see yourself in a different circumstance
I find that being honest, and understanding (both partners) works the best. Every relationship I see having issues, that lead to breaking up, usually lies, covers stuff up, or one is very controlling over the other. My own relationship has its ups and downs but we are very honest with one another even if it's to say smth the other prob isn't going to like lol. And we discuss these things free of ridicule.
No relationship is perfect tho. You will argue or bicker sometimes. We do so with friends also, so it would be silly to expect a lover to be different. Going in looking for perfection you will almost always end up alone. Compromise can be very healthy, and same for boundaries. But they only work if you are both willing to respect it. Good luck out there folks, I hear the dating scene is really rough now.
My mom told me that she had to learn how to be happy living on her own before she could be fully committed to a relationship. I think it's good advice. After all, if you aren't happy living on your own, how can you be happy living with someone else?
I don't feel like I need anybody to affirm me. I am already Me. I love myself. I just want to love more other people because it's beautiful ❤️🌻
Love has been something I’ve deeply understood since I was little, and I think that the majority of people don’t take it as seriously as they should.
Just wanting to be held yet having to deal with all these twists and turns makes finding love look unworthy
you really have posted this at the perfect time at least for me, love doesn't make sense to me anymore since everyone's definition is unique. hell it is impossible to even justify the current toxic relationships that people of our generation go through
To add the perspective of someone who just ended a same-sex relationship: De Beauvoir's theories on this subject absolutely resonate with me, as I was the devoted one in the relationship whereas my former partner was narcissitic. They had told me multiple times in the relationship (in a romantic tone, as they thought I would love it [and I did]) that I was the only person that actually helped calm their mental illnesses. I, apparently, eased their anxieties just by being by their side. As a devoted type, I was thrilled, I belonged to something bigger, as you said. But the relationship turned sour when I couldn't be dropping everything to hang out with them or call them for two hours at their request, or when I also found fulfillment in things other than them (academics, writing plays, being close with my family, etc.). From that point on, anything I did that was slightly out of line from what was expected of me (such as saying no to sex) "triggered" their mental illnesses, giving them an excuse to pull me back in as the one to heal them, or an excuse to take their emotions out on me. They broke up with me when I began asserting my boundaries and refusing to be manipulated out of my identity more than I already had. I'm rambling, but this is all to say that despite the fact that we were both female in the relationship, these heterosexually-coded roles of the devoted and the narcissist still very much applied, and they were still very destructive to both of our psyches.
But one thing I wanted to note as a difference in what you said is that even though these two roles are incompatible due to their asymmetry, it is also so ingrained in our society that to step out of these roles (as I stepped out of the devoter role when I asserted my boundaries and found happiness outside of love) can make the other person in the relationship very uneasy. It's a double-edged sword, essentially. What is destructive is still the expectation.
I feel like differing perceptions of things is what kills many relationships for me. I always find myself looking at things differently than someone and that leads to constant disagreement. It’s like an itch that simply cannot be scratched.
I kinda dissagree obviously if it’s something like one person wants to have kids while the other doesn’t is a problem. On the other hand though I think two diffent perspectives working to achieve the same goal is ideal
Herd a quote, something like
"To grow along side one another, yet not become entangled in the others branches. For trees cannot grow in one another's shadow"
Great explanation.
Now if only I could talk to someone in the first place...
As someone who happens to be both Asexual and Aromantic, as in I do not feel sexual or romantic attraction towards anyone, the way society pushes relationships onto everyone is such a bizarre concept to me. My lack of pull towards people allowed me to be in the front row seat of observing how humanity deals with love and sexuality. It is such an asinine ideal to me as a whole, wanting to be in a relationship and COMPROMISING to stay in such a relationship because movies and books told you that you should want and fight for it. It's funny watching from an outsider's perspective honestly. I am living proof that you do not need romantic love to live a happy and fulfilling life, you can develop your hobbies, relationships with friends and family, and grow as a person without being with someone just because you've been told that you "intrinsically" want it.
im also aroace and have wondered why the fuck relationships mean literally everything to some ppl. to me its just not worth it.
edit: also bc we (or atleast i) dont judge love from a emotional perspective but more of a logical one. so that means we can help ppl with relationship shit if they need any bc atleast for me, i just go with the most logical solution to the issues that happen like that
We don't love people romantically because movies tell us to. We love people because its in our biology to do so, if you take everything away from a human. Consciousness, intelligence, awareness and morality, all we would have left is the ability to love another person ( because fundamentally that is the entire point of a species( to procreate)), quite poetic really . Most people would be miserable without romantic love. you're just the exception not the rule nor example that people should follow ( not to say that its bad, but it just doesn't work for most people). Also ideals are made from emotions through and from history. Since you don't feel emotion towards love, there's no possible way you can understand it ( hence why you think it is extremely stupid or asinine) so I dont really think there's a point in trying to contemplate the answer. It would be like trying to explain to a computer why it can't do something ( because of ethical and moral reasons) when its main goal is to achieve its commands and missions with any means nessarary ( if that clears anything up)
pal, you simply don't understand what it is. It's like you're trying to understand drunkenness without having had a sip of alcohol. Love and attraction are about the worst and the best drugs out there. We don't do it because we're told, we do it because our biology turns us into tweekers off our own pheromones. We do it because it sucks to be alone. We do it because in some strange sense, we want to live forever, and having children is an indirect way to do it. We do it because we're human. As fucked up as the whole situation is, life would probably suck without it. Sorry to say dude, but you're missing out.
Jesus Christ I can smell this comment. Big edgy atheist energy. "I am brought to guffaw when I consider the plebian ideal that so many of these SHEEP are ensnared by, unlike myself, indepedent and intellectual, truly above it all. The things I do not care for, that others do, are but figments of a social order I am immune to with no TRUE charms or benefits." Take a shower.
It may be illogical. But almost nobody would switch places with aroaces.
Fuxk me. I broke up with my ex 2 weeks ago and and right this moment I sat there in my new flat, moving furniture around and thinking about love/relationships. Good timing.
I want a relationship but I like being alone too much to let someone else invade my headspace or personal physical space.
i love love. i stopped being cynical about it. it's just too much effort and money I have to put in to make a relationship work that's stopping me. if i fall in love again i'lll be happier if i don't i'll still be happy being me.