it might not be closeness that makes you feel vulnerable, it might be illness. That leads to fear and that leads to anger to offset the vulnerable feeling. I'm ill, so I'm in a really bad, angry mood and will lash out.
Do any other fearful avoidant forget to breath? Like hold their breath unconsciously? I do this often and I don’t notice it till I take a deep breath and pant later. Although this could just be a personal health issue I have and nothing to do with trauma.🤔
Yess! I definitely had that: holding your breath as if something is about to happen can definitely also be a trauma respons! Consciously allowing yourself to breathe deeply can be triggering to your fearbrain (because it is afraid you are not paying attention anymore), but at the same time it can be very healing!
I used to relate with the song Attention by Charlie puth, as I always sought validation in my relationships, its funny how we recognise our patterns but still so helpless if only we actively seek therapy or like ur content has been an eyeopener for me.
4th reason...you made me remember what my FA ex did...he used to test/sabotage (usually in the form of canceling plans he made) and after that immediately saying "I'll make it up to you"
Please somebody help me... i feel myself deactivating JUST when my dream guy (dismissive avoidant) is starting to heal himself and trust me and give me so much... i know ill hurt him if i fuck this up and i dont want this, i need to stop this, but i feel it coming.
How do we communicate that to someone that’s not our partner, but in the the same community ? After realizing that i didn’t wanna meet in 1.1 and maybe keep things more activity related with them as we are in the same theater compagny will make me feel better as i feel really unconfortable in his presence and it triggers me past wounds, i feel the fear to tell them that and went on a deactivating mode and tell him that i needed space but it feels more avoiding confronting him With my truth
Yup, there are a lot of similarities. However, BPD is a personality disorder, and comes with very intense, erratic, unstable, even violent behavior, due to a deep, deep fear of abandonment. This is usually caused by significant trauma in their childhood and screwed up brain chemistry. It requires lots of medication management and intense life-long therapy to be able to live a "normal" life. Whereas an attachment disorder is more of a built-in fear response that will go from the person feeling safe in a relationship to suddenly emotionally shutting down from their partner from the triggers mentioned in the video. People with BPD often will most likely have fearful/disorganized attachment, but not everyone with FA attachment has BPD. So while emotionally they are difficult to be in a relationship with if they are unaware of their issues and not actively working on themselves, FAs are not generally violent or harmful to their partner beyond the unintentional emotional highs and lows. There are also those with anti-social, and narcissistic personality disorders. However, the MAIN difference with them is everything done by them is 100% intentional. They feel either very low, or even no empathy or compassion for others (though ironically some can understand the logic and concept behind sympathy), and will pretty much always try to manipulate and control others through any means necessary, to make sure every outcome benefits them, and preferably only them. We always run from these people. And if you want to get REALLY complicated, all of this is on a spectrum and often comes with other mental health conditions, which is why diagnosing is pretty complicated and needs an expert to weed it all out.
"Being angry feels safer than feeling vulnerable". 10:40
Second reason is so true for me..I hide and start feeling like I am less than them..I dont share my negative emotion fearing they will leave me..
it might not be closeness that makes you feel vulnerable, it might be illness. That leads to fear and that leads to anger to offset the vulnerable feeling. I'm ill, so I'm in a really bad, angry mood and will lash out.
Didn’t realize grumpiness was deactivating tool. Makes sense for my FA bf😢
Do any other fearful avoidant forget to breath? Like hold their breath unconsciously? I do this often and I don’t notice it till I take a deep breath and pant later. Although this could just be a personal health issue I have and nothing to do with trauma.🤔
Yess! I definitely had that: holding your breath as if something is about to happen can definitely also be a trauma respons! Consciously allowing yourself to breathe deeply can be triggering to your fearbrain (because it is afraid you are not paying attention anymore), but at the same time it can be very healing!
@@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870 thank you !
Yes! I still do this, but meditating and doing yoga has helped to do this a lot less!
I used to relate with the song Attention by Charlie puth, as I always sought validation in my relationships, its funny how we recognise our patterns but still so helpless if only we actively seek therapy or like ur content has been an eyeopener for me.
I feel like you’re speaking to my soul. Love your videos.
Amazing 😍 these things are so confusing and this video helped me to gain clarity ❤
4th reason...you made me remember what my FA ex did...he used to test/sabotage (usually in the form of canceling plans he made) and after that immediately saying "I'll make it up to you"
How is it that a stranger way on the other side of the world gets me better than most people??
It's weird right? And I hope it's weirdly comforting at the same time. You are not alone! Even though we are spread out all over the world.
Thanks for sharing this Paulien, as always amazing content and so helpful!
Thank you for being here Renata! :)
Please somebody help me... i feel myself deactivating JUST when my dream guy (dismissive avoidant) is starting to heal himself and trust me and give me so much... i know ill hurt him if i fuck this up and i dont want this, i need to stop this, but i feel it coming.
How do we communicate that to someone that’s not our partner, but in the the same community ? After realizing that i didn’t wanna meet in 1.1 and maybe keep things more activity related with them as we are in the same theater compagny will make me feel better as i feel really unconfortable in his presence and it triggers me past wounds, i feel the fear to tell them that and went on a deactivating mode and tell him that i needed space but it feels more avoiding confronting him With my truth
how do you deal with or heal this addiction to feeling bad?
Many of these traits are also Borderline Personality traits.
Yup, there are a lot of similarities. However, BPD is a personality disorder, and comes with very intense, erratic, unstable, even violent behavior, due to a deep, deep fear of abandonment. This is usually caused by significant trauma in their childhood and screwed up brain chemistry. It requires lots of medication management and intense life-long therapy to be able to live a "normal" life. Whereas an attachment disorder is more of a built-in fear response that will go from the person feeling safe in a relationship to suddenly emotionally shutting down from their partner from the triggers mentioned in the video. People with BPD often will most likely have fearful/disorganized attachment, but not everyone with FA attachment has BPD. So while emotionally they are difficult to be in a relationship with if they are unaware of their issues and not actively working on themselves, FAs are not generally violent or harmful to their partner beyond the unintentional emotional highs and lows.
There are also those with anti-social, and narcissistic personality disorders. However, the MAIN difference with them is everything done by them is 100% intentional. They feel either very low, or even no empathy or compassion for others (though ironically some can understand the logic and concept behind sympathy), and will pretty much always try to manipulate and control others through any means necessary, to make sure every outcome benefits them, and preferably only them. We always run from these people. And if you want to get REALLY complicated, all of this is on a spectrum and often comes with other mental health conditions, which is why diagnosing is pretty complicated and needs an expert to weed it all out.