Great advise and it will take some time but I'm going to conquer the need to people please! I've done it for far too long. Thank you! And by the way has anyone ever told you you look Alyssa Milano? You could be her twin!
@@StephanieLynCoaching what to do if your parents controll u and they use your past mistakes over what u cant do mines wont let me get a job or they think all i do is complain and i dont even if i have a reason to i mean i have to have a life? Im way over 18 i cant call family members for help because some are messy and gossip and if i said or do something i will get yelled at constantly like im retared or something one time some one told me DO NOt COMPLAIN TO ME ABOUT A JOB!! Since i cant do what i told is there a way out of this situation
My husband was surprised when I finally stopped being a pleaser...first he thought I was being mean and then he said I was selfish. It took him a couple months but now he’s happy with the new normal.
Thank you. Before I "met" you, I knew nothing about : - it's not all my fault always - it's possible to have false guilt - boundaries - it's OK and take care for once self first - narcissism - codependency - it's possible and ok to love yourself - is OK to leave a conversation calmly - it's OK to do something without spouses permission - it's OK to make decisions without asking - NO is a complete sentence - it's not my fault when my wife weeps when I go jogging 2x a week 30min - Having the right to have and keep an opinion YOU HAVE SAVED MY LIFE!!!! THANK YOU 😘
Stephanie you put that across so, so well and above all else you are so obviously a true and proper Lady! That being in the old fashioned English sense of the word.
Maaann when I tell you I have the HARDEST time making decisions because I’m always thinking about how it will affect others and how it will affect me... smhh I gotta stop!!
Hi! Has anyone suggested that you read Melodie Beattie's "Codependent No More"? There's a chapter about the detachment from (what I think is) the thinking style you're talking about. It changed my life significantly. The very first time I put this detachment into practice, the Biggest weight lifted off me & stayed off for years. Recently I struggled with it again. I moved in with a bf, and I killed myself trying to cook and clean and keep everything else in order. After some time, I realized the codependency. I was able to step back and start rearranging my priorities in order to start taking care of Myself first again.
Hello kelia, unfortunately it's not that easy to stop pleasing other people, all of us are people pleasers who try our best to have the best self image to show the world out of fear of being judged and not being accepted by society. Maybe you get peer pressured from your friends or maybe you don't want to disappoint your parents and try to reach up to their expectations, or even trying to pleasing someone you like by doing what they tell you to do. Honestly all of us suffer from this, all of us don't want to seem weird, and try to fit in society's standards, and add political correctness into that! It will make us feel tired due to the constant run of faking a perfect image. Fortunately there's a way to deal with all of this and get rid of people pleasing for good. You see, we don't usually are aware of what makes us so attached to some people that it feels so hard to let them go so we do whatever we're told to do, even if we don't agree with it. For example maybe your friends want to go to the club, and you feel like going tonight, but just because of the fact that you want to please your friends you say YES INSTEAD OF SAYING NO. Now the short and easy solution I recommend doing is to get more friends, socialize and go out more so you would have some kind of ABUNDANCE that will allow you to have options and have some authority over yourself, however in the long run this solution doesn't work, since you'll get caught up on people's expectations again and it will fuck with your brains because as soon as you get that love from everyone you will IMMEDIATELY think about when all of this is going to end and HOW YOU are going to keep their approval. So what I do "recommend" doing is to start let go all of the SOCIAL CONDITIONING , CHILDHOOD TRAUMAS(or smaller scale hurts) and reconditioning your Brain to become awesome and live your life to the fullest, freely on your own terms. If you're interested in learning on how to do the above hit me up on my Instagram @theboringkaps I give free consultations (BUT ONLY FOR SERIOUS PEOPLE WHO WANT TO TAKE ACTION AND ACHIEVE THEIR GOALS, NO DABBLERS PLEASE). Peace ✌️
13:09 spot on! For me, here where it's all at. In a word it's EMOTOPHOBIA (not to be confused with Emetophobia). It's a fear of negative emotions, both in others, and the self. I have no idea why this word is mostly ignored. For me it's been the key to not only understanding people pleasing, but basically everything that I could never articulate about me emotionally.
The other comment I wanted to make is that people pleasers are secretly angry and resentful and blame others. But what we really need to do is say no and take responsibility for ourselves and choices. I am working on this!
You absolutely can.. it’s a continuous practice. You start to reprogram yourself and introduce new things into your mind and world that allow you to grow and become healthier.
Most people are easy to face. It's the ones who I've allowed to mistreat, disrespect and take advantage of me that are difficult. I'm working on becoming a healthier person, and by doing so I'm gaining the strength to say no without regret or resentment. Thanks for all the insights you provide through your channel. I'll be putting the knowledge to good use.
My mom passed when I was 5 & my narcissist father remarried multiple times so I’ve suffered over a decade of depression, anxiety, ptsd, and not to mention lack of confidence and self respect. I’m now I’m my early 20s and loving myself more than ever as I create the life I’ve always wanted. Your videos help tremendously and I couldn’t have discovered your channel at a better time. You’re my honorary mom in my head lol stay beautiful
I’m a 65-year old woman, known to be quite self confident, and still the biggest people pleaser. Just recently I decided it needs to stop. And it feels GREAT! Somewhat mischievous, lol, as I’m fully aware of what im doing, and waiting for those people whom I have allowed to take advantage of me, to approach ME, rather than me constantly inviting them. Sooo liberating! Thank you!
This is completely me, and I have always gotten taken advantage of and then been so hurt when that person would not be there if I ever needed help. I could not understand how you could give and give and that person didn’t even care, by being this away you just attract users, sponges.
I have been a chronic people pleaser all my life. This has definitely come at the expense of myself. The good thing is I know where I learnt this behaviour from and your videos are helping heal and take better care of myself. Thank you.
Yep. That's me. I have lived my entire life being more concerned about everyone else's feelings, happiness, etc. Married to an alcoholic for 15 years, then with an alcoholic/narcissist for 12. I am FINALLY feeling OVER IT and ready to start taking care of me. Took 57 years. Still figuring out how to navigate, but your words are very helpful. I love your videos (I don't like most - so preachy or come of as know it all) as you are totally real and genuine and that's what make YOU great!. Thank you for what you do!
Spot on. I never say no, can't make decisions, and had an actual panic attack when I had to confront someone at a meeting. I'm afraid of being exposed. Being a Marine Corps veteran new people I meet give me a lot of respect. But they always end up disappointed and go away in the end when they slowly realize I'm a people pleaser with no self worth.
You will wear yourself out pleasing everyone else and end up suffering yourself. You need to learn to say no & not feel bad about it. You are truly saving yourself & you owe yourself that much. It's never too late. I waited until retirement to start saying no.
I can completely relate to everything said in this video. The only point I would make is to add an additional comment that children can sometimes learn to people please their parents because to say no would mean punishment. I’m talking about children having to conform in order to survive a hostile family environment. The results are the same as described in this video - the child is conditioned to disconnect from their feelings and never learn to rely upon their feelings. They also struggle to develop a cohesive sense of self. These abused children are hard to spot because they are so well conditioned to people please they never skip school, always complete their homework, never misbehave in or out of school and so never come to the attention of anyone who might be able to help them. This is a really good video. I’ve saved it to come back to watch again. One of the most important points that I’m going to take away from this is to stop using the expression people pleaser, and use the expression Disease to Please. I think that when I identify myself as a people pleaser it’s harder to set boundaries because it feels like I’m attacking my core identity. But when I tell myself I’m suffering from a disease and I can self diagnose myself as having the Disease to Please, then setting boundaries feels more like a treatment or a cure for the disease. I can feel my confidence rising just saying this. Thank you for an amazing video.
Yup 100% I didn’t even know I was a people pleaser because I had done it for so long that I didn’t even have a second thought about not wanting to do it. There was zero desire to keep any time for money or material possessions for me. I’d been completely conditioned from a young age that I was there to make everything better, I had taught myself to take physical abuse and not cry and still get everything done. I attract abusers and pack up and move so they can’t find me. All I needed to do was start loving myself, learning everyday and practicing. We will get there!
Wow! I didn't realise the basis of my indecisiveness, lack of assertion, inability to set boundaries and feeling disconnected with myself. I taught myself to say No when it is a clear "can I take your book?" I can't say no when someone would request "Can I go first? Can I take that project?" I have to respond appropriately to these now. 1- Give up own feelings/needs and get praise for it. (101%) 2- Need for validation 3- Completely avoid confrontation (can't stand up for myself-- abuse is common)
I grew up on eggshells with a NPD single mother so I was conditioned to cater to her needs/moods. I was the peacekeeper, the diplomat. My opinions/feelings/needs were unmet and inconsequential. My feelings were ignored so I grew to ignore my own needs. To grit and bare it, suck it up buttercup! I didn’t get much praise, affection, love or attention. I got more criticism, shame, blame and guilt. I felt invisible, neglected, unloved, ignored & unwanted. I felt like a burden or a mistake. I do feel bad to disappoint someone I care about and struggle to put my needs first. I avoid conflict depending on the situation. I tend to alternate between confidence and assertiveness and feeling insecure and vulnerable. It’s been a lifelong learning to communicate with others.
I like to please people. It feels great to make somebody’s day. However now that I’ve gotten older i am more than aware when it’s not really benefitting anyone. That was a great example on shirt decision. You just have to be comfortable speaking up for yourself like you said it doesn’t even have to be mean either.
sohaib ahmed absolutely! You want to Be able to be assertive and self loving but also keep your energy intact and not let your emotions take over when someone does something that is hurtful.. Because what that person is doing has nothing to do with you. 💗
I think you hit the nail on the head, healthy interactions should benefit everyone - they should be win/win and consequent feelings of enjoying making each other's day are probably healthy then. Otherwise, boundaries should be set.
Disease to please is such a good way to phrase it! I used to think that me being ‘nice’ was a positive trait, but my eyes have been opened. Personally I’ve made great strides but I was just confronted with this professionally as I STRUGGLED to ask for a raise. I realized I was avoiding confrontation, and not prioritizing my needs and desires, to benefit others. So glad I pushed through. It went very well!
That is so true! My husband is a covert narc & it sucks bc I find myself waiting for his approval (very minimal now, but we've been together 6 years & it started out that he would throw me bread crumbs & I would give him 2 loaves of bread) I remember we got married, then he tells me we should go take a trip to see his family. I said but, what about our honeymoon? What about us? Without any regard for this occasion I found myself in CT being paraded around by his family. We got zero time together. On the last night I told him tomorrow I wanted to leave early to spend the day together in New York. He agreed & swore up & down we would have time together. I made it clear that was important to me. The next morning him & his dad got back from the gym at 8 am, informing me to get ready for lunch, his dad was taking us out. Not one mention of "hey is that ok? I know we made plans last night & we don't have to go." Or "Dad me & Jesse made plans already, but thanks for offering." I screamed at him the entire drive to the restaurant in the rental car, I didn't say a word at lunch, (I was being super infantile, not one of my fine moments. But I couldn't day anything positive so I just didn't say anything) I was just pissed!! We got into New York at 10 pm, had to turn in the rental car so we were stuck in the hotel. It makes you feel crazy when someone over looks your feelings constantly. There was another occasion when my husband said he would start being more involved so I told him to plan something for his days off. When he had his first day off he what is meandering around the house, I finally ended up realizing that he hadn't planned anything so I grabbed a book and laid down on the couch. Not two minutes later he asked me what I wanted to do, I said I'm doing exactly what I want to do. He then proceeded to grab our child's hand and yell over his shoulder at me well if you're not going to come up with anything then I'll leave with our son. I said okay, have fun. I was so angry when he left but he didn't need to know that. I thought why am I going to sit here and do nothing fun? So I loaded up my kayak in my truck and drove an hour to the lake. I'm directly in the middle of the lake riding the wake of a speedboat when I hear my phone go off in the dry compartment. Once the waves weren't as bad I phoned him. He said "I got a babysitter for tonight are you almost home?" I said "last i heard you had gone out. I'm actually out at the lake right now and won't be back until dark." He acted all disappointed, but I felt so in control finally that day. I was not going to stop my fun just because he decided what he wanted to do. I was paddling through a canyon, & could hear fish jumping, but it was getting dark! I could see all the stars floating out there & I realized I was going to enjoy my life even if he tried to ruin it. I could've stayed home & cried, but I did something for me & didn't change my plans for him. When I arrived home at 10 p.m. I began washing up in the spare bathroom, brushing teeth etc. He came into the bathroom asking where I was. "I was kaying." He said, "until 10 pm?" "Yep." He knows the lake is an hour away, I wasn't going to explain anything. How was it? It was so fun, I had a wonderful time. He seemed so irritated. He said "I'm going to bed." Now normally I'd say no, we need to talk. But I said, "ok night." He hesitated, then walked away almost as if looking for a sign I was sad he wouldn't talk. That was by far the most liberating experience, & ever since then I've been so much more in control of ME. I don't base my emotions off of his, when he's upset that's him, not me.
Stephanie Lyn Coaching - the work you're doing helps so many people Stephanie, thanks to people like you more people are waking up to see the manipulations, gaslighting, steamrolling, stonewalling, blame, shame, love bombing, & victim mentality!! Keep doing what you're doing!!! I wish I had this info years ago, but regardless knowledge is power!
Jesse James , I don't know u ,but sounds like you have it together , I enjoyed reading your story, I am not married but I can sure learn from your story , thanks for sharing ,if you had not shared your story then I would have not learned that I can take your story and learn from it ,thank you
Jesse James OKAY, CONTINUE, THE TWO OF YOU, BEHAVING AS THOUGH Y'ALL ONE UPING ON EACH OTHER. BOTH WANT CONTROL, IT SEEMS, WHEN PEOPLE REALLY APPRECIATE, RESPECT AND VALUE EACH OTHER. NONSENSE, IS NOT APART OF THE EQUATION. UNLESS, BOTH ARE PLAYING SOME KIND OF GAME. Y'ALL WILL BE RUNNING OUT OF TIME, DON'T BELIEVE THE CHILD DOESN'T FEEL AND SENSE, THIS BS. THE REAL SO CALLED LOVE AND TOGETHERNESS, THE BOTH OF YOU HAVE GOING ON. STOP IT!!! LOOK AT THE BIG PICTURE, AND GROWING OLD TOGETHER, OR MAYBE Y'ALL KNOW THAT'S NOT THE PLAN. REALLY CHECK SELFS
Great video Stephanie. 👍 I’ve been people pleasing free for about a year now and I’ve experienced the great health benefits. Blood pressure is back to normal and I don’t feel like I’m running a marathon throughout the day.
All my life I thought I was supposed to be a people pleaser. I was taught by my mother. I'm becoming more aware that being that way has thrown me off balance by feeling false guilt. It's going to take a long time to break away from this. One thing I've noticed is the more you do for people, the more they want. It's time for me to draw the line!
I also have people pleased my narcissist mother all my life which has affected every relationship in my life to my detriment. I have had chronic fatigue syndrome for 27 years it’s been a living hell automaticity pleasing everyone but myself, I totally understand at 59 years old I didn’t know what was wrong with me, I guess it’s better late than never, but my heart goes out to you as I have also lived your life. I wish you well in going forward in a positive healthier new life like I am also now trying to do . Bless you are everyone listening to this video.
I work on this by actively stopping myself from offering 'help'. Its not easy for me at all. The comfortable thing is the knee jerk response to offer everything i have to someone who needs it. They may not even want it and feel uncomfortable with me offering. I am ridiculous. But working on it.
Please stop saying u r ridiculous because the tongue is mightier and you r not ridiculous. I have learned to replace a bad thought with a good thought. lol
I used to do the same and now that i am healing and become more and more aware of these issues I have improved a great deal. I no longer ask people if they need help. I'm putting myself first.
I’ve been a target for Narcissists… Been the victim of gaslighting… Never took the time to understand, this was why. Then when my frustration rose to the boiling point, I exploded & then it was all my fault. It is my fault, because I allowed the abuse.
I’m a people pleaser. I’m finally starting to speak up, through your videos it’s really beginning to help. I hate confrontation but this relationship has forced me to reflect on my outlook of life.
And have you noticed that alot of people don't like it when we do speak up....but we need to especially when everything has to be done on their terms....
I am one of the older generation (75) and I totally agree with what you are teaching. I am a Pastoral counselor and Christians are taught to ALWAYS turn the other cheek and that it is wrong to set boundaries etc. Thank you for teaching people pleasing in such a basic and understandable way. I have subscribed to your videos 👏👍
😭 for years I never knew why I was a people pleaser or why I have never been able to make decisions and I always asked everyone my friends my family for opinions and listening to what I was told. I'm 28 now and Stephanie thank you so much for this it really sheds light to many of us who have struggled with such issues. How are you just so perfect in explaining this? And yes I have always been taken advantage of. I even attracts a narcissist for a husband and I left him after two months of marriage. Thank you so so so much.
I was thinking about this today I’ve done so much for other people in my life and where did it get me no where . So now it’s time I put my life first .
I wish I had this video 20 years ago. The amounts of pain and anguish I could have avoided. I tick every checkbox on that list and o am married to someone who does emotionally abuse and manipulates me. A realization is one thing, figuring out how to fix it will be far more difficult.
I'm 34yrs old and just starting to really recognise that i'm a bit of a people pleaser especially when it's my family and friends. Now I've reached the point where i've been so generous and forgiving of toxic ppl in my life that they're now used to expecting me to let their bad behaviour slide. I'm done! It's costing me way too much stress and strain it's time to change and think about ME. No one else is!
So true ..I had a habit of feeling really bad to pull away from people I felt uncomfortable with ,because a lot of people will turn it around and make it your problem ..trouble is there are a lot of stressed and unstable people around ...I feel like a coward if I don't make my own decisions , Also these days of spiritual growth ..I do try and do the decent thing ..such a lot for all of us to learn .Thanks Love your video's .
I appreciate your clarity and specific examples. It's wonderful we are given the opportunity now to wake up from the stupor put upon us as a child. Now parents can also be conscious of what they are molding in their children. 🎉
Loved this thank you so much. I was raised by my dad who is a retired 101st airborne sergent and alcoholic. Im the oldest and yes i fully recognize now my start of people pleasing. I have relapsed in my co dependency and tools i had to love me etc. Im back in the program and in a women's support group. Again thank you so much for your viedos so much help. God Bless you
I thought I heard her say let children have choices. To me that means asking little Suzy, do you want to wear the purple shirt of the pink shirt today.
She was spot on I still having people pleasing tendencies I had very hard time make decisions I was so indecisive now intentionally people please by doing stuff that I don’t want to do I know I’ll get praise watching these videos really helps me
Oh my Goddd ...I can't thank you enough there is this freedom and relief I just experienced right now after watching this video like i've been so drowned in anxiety,I find it difficult meet people because I please people and I don't get it back and you know how difficult it is because I don't know what to expect when I see them. Thanks so much ❤🥺
Really loved this video please do keep these videos coming. There is a lot of us who may not always comment but are extremely effected in a positive way from your videos
Super important addendum is if you ask a question, listen to the answer. I've experienced in my childhood parents getting annoyed/angry when you don't give the right answer, meaning there was never a choice to begin with.
I never thought of myself as a people pleaser because I always thought it was those women that love hosting parties and doing everything for everyone else. I'm not that social so I couldnt relate until this week when I realised several new 'friends' I'd made were women who didn't actually seem to like or respect me but wanted to use me as free emotional support and boast to so they could feel better about themselves. These false friendships made me feel awful and were painful. I looked into how they'd evolved and realised I'd really wanted them to like me and be friends as I was lonely and flattered they wanted my friendship ie I put them on a pedestal then tried to 'be a good friend' which I'm now realising is code pendent people pleasing behaviour. I've not replied to one of them because I can't bare to listen to her whining about petty problems and I def feel a bit nervous and guilty not replying but it's also kind of exhilarating standing firm and putting myself first. It's been really useful realising I had this people pleasing tendency, it's also other piece in the puzzle.
Now I see why people think I have a problem when I ask them basic questions about what they want/need or how they feel and their opinions. When its just them growing up in a society which doesn't give and never gave them choices. I love how I have evolved. I will never stop aaking even if they think I am dumb for asking.
Wow where have you been all my life. I've watched countless videos on this topic and no one had explained it as well as you did. Thank you! This video helped me a lot.
I felt ..... You are speaking about ME ... Am every bit that complete LIST ... Lately recognising it and trying to make changes.... Actually ...I ... don't HV a voice ...and I need to find my voice . Wish me luck.... Really appreciate you making these videos ..it helps many like me ... understanding better.. Am on a new path that I haven't walked on until now ...I want to have a good happy walk ... God bless ...
Going through a divorce and it has been very painful. Your videos have helped me to evaluate myself and decide what I need to learn from this experience.
Thank you for mentioning that you sometimes fall back into old habits, because I've noticed, as much work as I've done to overcome people pleasing, I've also been through a lot and it's affected me in this way, and I've noticed that I've slipped back into old ways. My confidence has really taken a knocking in the last two years in particular, and just seems like for my whole life whenever I try and move forward someone steps in and has another jab at me? I was feeling bad about slipping, but I guess it's just normal to regress at times. I've noticed that I have started asking friends for their opinion again, when I know it's not the best for me. I grew up with a mother who made all the decisions for me...even what I wore sometimes, and I had to learn how to do this for myself as a younger woman leaving home. A woman I know reminded me the other day that I don't need anyone elses opinion, which was kind of her. I've just felt so low and like i'm really nothing...after a few people really judging me as worthless. You can feel it even if they don't say it to you in words.
To Lyn, thank you for your videos, they really help me. I'm learning and realising to only surround myself with positive ppl who uplift me and say positive things. I keep away from those who are negative. This year and last have been a real eye opener for me.
Excellent and wise. Especially the initial perspective on "old school" parents and fear of confrontation. It has taken me years to learn I was a "people pleaser" but one of the best parts of growing older is that we naturally begin to question that programmed response. I am learning to set boundaries, to say "No" when necessary, and to trust myself more. It has been painful, especially in the romantic relationship department but I am a work in progress, and this is a core issue with me. I have sought professional counseling at least 3 times in my life, but none of the mental health therapists nailed it like you did in 18 minutes. Wherever "there" is, I am getting there..., thanks so much! My next relationship will be much healthier as a result I'm sure. One post-script: would love to hear you say something about the connection between chronic people pleasing, hiding one's inner anger at being that way, and substance use/abuse. I have always hated the taste of alcohol but binge-drinking on weekends sure numbed me to my inner rage. I can see now that by the end of a week of being a major people pleaser in my life and work I was secretly furious at life and people. I am better now and getting better. Not afraid of confronting others when necessary now, setting boundaries, nor saying bye bye to toxic people in my life. And Mr. Smirnoff no longer is my weekend chum. Keep up the good work.
Thank you for sharing your advice that you have learned to change your own life. Your advice is helping so many people to change their lives too. You are a real inspiration to others!
I have learned from childhood that people don't want to hear or listen to me. Be seen but not heard. I have learned to be a listener. When I start talking about myself or my interests, they usually have to go. This is my whole family really. My kids aren't interested in anything I am, they have actually told me they don't want to hear it. My husband isn't really interested in what I have to say either. No one is. No what? Live like a hermit? There aren't very many nice people in the world.
The opinions if others just really dont matter. That's some of the best words ever. And so true.. Might I add another thing that causes one to wanna please is the fear of being rejected and wanting to be accepted . Or fear of being beat by the abuser so you try your best to do what you think will please them and live up to their standards and in the process you start to lose yourself. I know from experience as being mentally, emotionally and physically abused as a child and teen . God Bless everyone and my pray is that everyone who struggles with this learn to love themselves enough to say NO and take a stand for self learn to be who you are . No More People Pleasing and they opinions DON'T Matter.
Thank you so much ! I felt so relate to this vídeo . Im getting healthier, but its a day by day work to validate myself and think what i want and what I NEED !💪🏼
I’m so happy to have com across this video because I’m definitely a people pleaser and I want to develop healthier ways to cope and stop people pleasing. it’s just to draining on me 😫
thanks for your vedio, I am old school and never was raised by anyone but myself and had to learn the hard way, so its nice to hear what u have to say because it all comes from the bible which taught me. like eye opener, our eyes are blinded or we see, why...... because of denial and not knowing yourself and your wants. yes because i took care of my self at an earlier age, i can become coindependent because i know how it feels when people have to go without and i don't want to see that in them if I can. so thanks it is nice to learn what coindependent means which i had difficult understanding. you are making me and my daughter life at ease and at peace because she is learning from u, and is taking care of herself and knowing herself. thank you she like to listen to u and says mom that is what u say too.... i don't feel guilty because guilty wants to trap u where u don't want to be. so the bible is what taught me. and thank you now i have someone else to help me and my daughter out.
Thanks!!!! This is so true - I have seen in life people Will use you if you let them!!!! I have always been the type to give more than I get -which is good according to th bible and I have been blessed = but there gets to a point you have to put your foot down!!!
Thank you so much. I was the same for the majority of my life and felt like an empty shell, bitter and restless, now things have changed and I started listening to my gut feelings and telling truth and it has empowered me in many ways. Thank you again.
WOW!! This hit home for me. So glad I came across this video. It makes so much sense why I've been this way for all my life so far. But then again, I'm Libra sun & rising so that explains a lot for desire to please others, asking others for their opinions, having a difficult time making a decision, and fear of confrontation. Thank you!
Oh my goodness. Thank you so much for this video. I can remember in my childhood about the way I didn’t get a choice to make a decision and now I’m in my 50s and this is so much revelation.
Thanks for the video. The difficulty I have is that I have had this disease to please for so long, I struggle to know who I am or what I want! I used so much of my time bending my personality to please others it has become my default position. Now that I have finally found the courage to leave my Narcissistic wife after 26 years I am slowly forcing my self to understand who I am and what I want. But it is very hard.
This channel has been eye opening to me about issues that I could not bring to terms. Although healing is further down the road, the first step in healing is knowing the problem. Learning that there is a title for the way I am (an empath and an extremely codependent one if I must say) gives me a reference point to begin the stages of betterment. I’m grateful to learn from you and words cannot describe my gratitude! “Always forward, forward always.” -Luke Cage-
U are a blessing and an angel I stumble across your channel because I deal with a toxic person for 5 years and I needed advice and to understand what I went threw turns out my was abused by my and for years and I found my self going threw the same cycle without even knowing I’m over the relationship with him know healing I just wanna day thank u
My family were so difficult for other people to deal with I learned young to try and make everyone super comfortable around me, so I wouldn’t be so alone and my social circle would see me as different from my parents.
This really resonated with me and I'm working on it. What I sometimes struggle with us knowing what I want after being a people pleaser for so long. I'll keep digging, thanks so much for this video
I’m loving all these videos!! Realizing why I’ve been struggling mentally feeling guilty for saying no. I’m working hard to acknowledge I MATTER and to put my needs before others is OK. Thank you, thank you, thank you 🙏🏻
I must say, that I absolutely love your channel and the kinds of topics you cover! You’ve taught me so much and quite frankly, it’s helping me become more confident! So thank you!!
Stephanie absolutely ❤your videos you made me take a look at something from my childhood, my mom used to always make me iron her clothes for work, and I hated it with a passion! so I think I learn to just do for people because she made me do these things not being aware that's it's a part of people-pleasing👌 I didn't mind helping people, but when I realize people take advantage of it that's when I had to put my foot down🤣 and now people🤔 are mad, which I don't care💪 thank you so much for helping me to reflect on my childhood💕
People will try to take advantage of your kind heartedness and generosity if you don’t tune into your own needs and learn to say “no”. Great video.
Ann absolutely! Thank you!
I’ve heard someone say, that if you are always saying yes. Your yes does not have value.
Great advise and it will take some time but I'm going to conquer the need to people please! I've done it for far too long. Thank you! And by the way has anyone ever told you you look Alyssa Milano? You could be her twin!
@@StephanieLynCoaching 6
@@StephanieLynCoaching what to do if your parents controll u and they use your past mistakes over what u cant do mines wont let me get a job or they think all i do is complain and i dont even if i have a reason to i mean i have to have a life? Im way over 18 i cant call family members for help because some are messy and gossip and if i said or do something i will get yelled at constantly like im retared or something one time some one told me DO NOt COMPLAIN TO ME ABOUT A JOB!! Since i cant do what i told is there a way out of this situation
My husband was surprised when I finally stopped being a pleaser...first he thought I was being mean and then he said I was selfish. It took him a couple months but now he’s happy with the new normal.
sick any tips for ffixing this problem?
Bravo!
My friend also thought the same when I suddenly say “ no” after I helped him lots of times.
Glad for you and sorry for the new "normal"... she won't be normal for long.
Thank you. Before I "met" you, I knew nothing about :
- it's not all my fault always
- it's possible to have false guilt
- boundaries
- it's OK and take care for once self first
- narcissism
- codependency
- it's possible and ok to love yourself
- is OK to leave a conversation calmly
- it's OK to do something without spouses permission
- it's OK to make decisions without asking
- NO is a complete sentence
- it's not my fault when my wife weeps when I go jogging 2x a week 30min
- Having the right to have and keep an opinion
YOU HAVE SAVED MY LIFE!!!!
THANK YOU 😘
As a married man with similar issues. I recommend the book "not nice". It opened my mind to how much my vulnerabilities were being exploited
Perhaps also "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover.
F me 😳 Wow that's hugely thought provoking. It's okay mate 😌 you're Okay and free to do whatever you want x
Stephanie you put that across so, so well and above all else you are so obviously a true and proper Lady! That being in the old fashioned English sense of the word.
Maaann when I tell you I have the HARDEST time making decisions because I’m always thinking about how it will affect others and how it will affect me... smhh I gotta stop!!
JAYDEN ALONSO of course it does I have it lol
Hi! Has anyone suggested that you read Melodie Beattie's "Codependent No More"? There's a chapter about the detachment from (what I think is) the thinking style you're talking about. It changed my life significantly. The very first time I put this detachment into practice, the Biggest weight lifted off me & stayed off for years. Recently I struggled with it again. I moved in with a bf, and I killed myself trying to cook and clean and keep everything else in order. After some time, I realized the codependency. I was able to step back and start rearranging my priorities in order to start taking care of Myself first again.
I understand!
Hello kelia, unfortunately it's not that easy to stop pleasing other people, all of us are people pleasers who try our best to have the best self image to show the world out of fear of being judged and not being accepted by society.
Maybe you get peer pressured from your friends or maybe you don't want to disappoint your parents and try to reach up to their expectations, or even trying to pleasing someone you like by doing what they tell you to do.
Honestly all of us suffer from this, all of us don't want to seem weird, and try to fit in society's standards, and add political correctness into that!
It will make us feel tired due to the constant run of faking a perfect image.
Fortunately there's a way to deal with all of this and get rid of people pleasing for good.
You see, we don't usually are aware of what makes us so attached to some people that it feels so hard to let them go so we do whatever we're told to do, even if we don't agree with it.
For example maybe your friends want to go to the club, and you feel like going tonight, but just because of the fact that you want to please your friends you say YES INSTEAD OF SAYING NO.
Now the short and easy solution I recommend doing is to get more friends, socialize and go out more so you would have some kind of ABUNDANCE that will allow you to have options and have some authority over yourself, however in the long run this solution doesn't work, since you'll get caught up on people's expectations again and it will fuck with your brains because as soon as you get that love from everyone you will IMMEDIATELY think about when all of this is going to end and HOW YOU are going to keep their approval.
So what I do "recommend" doing is to start let go all of the SOCIAL CONDITIONING , CHILDHOOD TRAUMAS(or smaller scale hurts) and reconditioning your Brain to become awesome and live your life to the fullest, freely on your own terms.
If you're interested in learning on how to do the above hit me up on my Instagram @theboringkaps I give free consultations
(BUT ONLY FOR SERIOUS PEOPLE WHO WANT TO TAKE ACTION AND ACHIEVE THEIR GOALS, NO DABBLERS PLEASE).
Peace ✌️
13:09 spot on! For me, here where it's all at. In a word it's EMOTOPHOBIA (not to be confused with Emetophobia).
It's a fear of negative emotions, both in others, and the self. I have no idea why this word is mostly ignored. For me it's been the key to not only understanding people pleasing, but basically everything that I could never articulate about me emotionally.
The other comment I wanted to make is that people pleasers are secretly angry and resentful and blame others. But what we really need to do is say no and take responsibility for ourselves and choices. I am working on this!
You probably speak for yourself
@@fallonrappaport5270 Was thinking the same thing too. I'm a people pleaser and have never felt resentful or angry.
I just love how confident and self-loving you are, it gives me hope that I can change too 🙏🏼💫✨
You absolutely can.. it’s a continuous practice. You start to reprogram yourself and introduce new things into your mind and world that allow you to grow and become healthier.
Avoiding confrontation. DING. DING. DING. DING. DING.
Adam Nicholes the more you face people the easier it gets to do and the more your confidence will increase.
Most people are easy to face. It's the ones who I've allowed to mistreat, disrespect and take advantage of me that are difficult. I'm working on becoming a healthier person, and by doing so I'm gaining the strength to say no without regret or resentment.
Thanks for all the insights you provide through your channel. I'll be putting the knowledge to good use.
My mom passed when I was 5 & my narcissist father remarried multiple times so I’ve suffered over a decade of depression, anxiety, ptsd, and not to mention lack of confidence and self respect. I’m now I’m my early 20s and loving myself more than ever as I create the life I’ve always wanted. Your videos help tremendously and I couldn’t have discovered your channel at a better time. You’re my honorary mom in my head lol stay beautiful
Good time to get into video's like this ..well done you
Best wishes to you 🙏🙏🙏
Im sending you a hug stranger 😭that's so hard but you're so strong to overcome this sis
@@starrysoup thank you dearest!!!! Xoxo
May God continue to bless, protect and strengthen you. Jesus love’s you. God bless you 💛
I’m a 65-year old woman, known to be quite self confident, and still the biggest people pleaser. Just recently I decided it needs to stop. And it feels GREAT! Somewhat mischievous, lol, as I’m fully aware of what im doing, and waiting for those people whom I have allowed to take advantage of me, to approach ME, rather than me constantly inviting them. Sooo liberating!
Thank you!
This is completely me, and I have always gotten taken advantage of and then been so hurt when that person would not be there if I ever needed help. I could not understand how you could give and give and that person didn’t even care, by being this away you just attract users, sponges.
Absolutely true.
So true that there are people out there waiting to get attached to the giving people .
I have been a chronic people pleaser all my life. This has definitely come at the expense of myself. The good thing is I know where I learnt this behaviour from and your videos are helping heal and take better care of myself. Thank you.
Michelle Williams good for you!! I am so happy that the videos are helping.. mission accomplished!
I'm a chronic people pleaser also Dear God teach me to help myself Amen
@@carlashepard3317 what does Amen mean?
Yep. That's me. I have lived my entire life being more concerned about everyone else's feelings, happiness, etc. Married to an alcoholic for 15 years, then with an alcoholic/narcissist for 12. I am FINALLY feeling OVER IT and ready to start taking care of me. Took 57 years. Still figuring out how to navigate, but your words are very helpful. I love your videos (I don't like most - so preachy or come of as know it all) as you are totally real and genuine and that's what make YOU great!. Thank you for what you do!
Spot on. I never say no, can't make decisions, and had an actual panic attack when I had to confront someone at a meeting.
I'm afraid of being exposed. Being a Marine Corps veteran new people I meet give me a lot of respect. But they always end up disappointed and go away in the end when they slowly realize I'm a people pleaser with no self worth.
After watching this, I've realised I'm a people pleaser. I'm going to try and change things and make myself a better person.
You will wear yourself out pleasing everyone else and end up suffering yourself. You need to learn to say no & not feel bad about it. You are truly saving yourself & you owe yourself that much. It's never too late. I waited until retirement to start saying no.
I can completely relate to everything said in this video. The only point I would make is to add an additional comment that children can sometimes learn to people please their parents because to say no would mean punishment. I’m talking about children having to conform in order to survive a hostile family environment. The results are the same as described in this video - the child is conditioned to disconnect from their feelings and never learn to rely upon their feelings. They also struggle to develop a cohesive sense of self. These abused children are hard to spot because they are so well conditioned to people please they never skip school, always complete their homework, never misbehave in or out of school and so never come to the attention of anyone who might be able to help them. This is a really good video. I’ve saved it to come back to watch again. One of the most important points that I’m going to take away from this is to stop using the expression people pleaser, and use the expression Disease to Please. I think that when I identify myself as a people pleaser it’s harder to set boundaries because it feels like I’m attacking my core identity. But when I tell myself I’m suffering from a disease and I can self diagnose myself as having the Disease to Please, then setting boundaries feels more like a treatment or a cure for the disease. I can feel my confidence rising just saying this. Thank you for an amazing video.
Yup 100% I didn’t even know I was a people pleaser because I had done it for so long that I didn’t even have a second thought about not wanting to do it.
There was zero desire to keep any time for money or material possessions for me. I’d been completely conditioned from a young age that I was there to make everything better, I had taught myself to take physical abuse and not cry and still get everything done. I attract abusers and pack up and move so they can’t find me. All I needed to do was start loving myself, learning everyday and practicing.
We will get there!
Gosh! I usually feel GUILTY SAYING NO! And I absolutely have a hard time making decisions.
Wow! I didn't realise the basis of my indecisiveness, lack of assertion, inability to set boundaries and feeling disconnected with myself. I taught myself to say No when it is a clear "can I take your book?" I can't say no when someone would request "Can I go first? Can I take that project?" I have to respond appropriately to these now.
1- Give up own feelings/needs and get praise for it. (101%)
2- Need for validation
3- Completely avoid confrontation (can't stand up for myself-- abuse is common)
I grew up on eggshells with a NPD single mother so I was conditioned to cater to her needs/moods. I was the peacekeeper, the diplomat. My opinions/feelings/needs were unmet and inconsequential.
My feelings were ignored so I grew to ignore my own needs.
To grit and bare it, suck it up buttercup! I didn’t get much praise, affection, love or attention. I got more criticism, shame, blame and guilt.
I felt invisible, neglected, unloved, ignored & unwanted.
I felt like a burden or a
mistake. I do feel bad to disappoint someone I care about and struggle to put my needs first. I avoid conflict depending on the situation.
I tend to alternate between confidence and assertiveness and feeling insecure and vulnerable. It’s been a lifelong learning to communicate with others.
I like to please people. It feels great to make somebody’s day. However now that I’ve gotten older i am more than aware when it’s not really benefitting anyone. That was a great example on shirt decision. You just have to be comfortable speaking up for yourself like you said it doesn’t even have to be mean either.
sohaib ahmed absolutely! You want to Be able to be assertive and self loving but also keep your energy intact and not let your emotions take over when someone does something that is hurtful.. Because what that person is doing has nothing to do with you. 💗
sohaib ahmed That’s what I do now, I am just watching the video. I like pleasing people. Makes me feel better about myself that I made someone’s day.
I think you hit the nail on the head, healthy interactions should benefit everyone - they should be win/win and consequent feelings of enjoying making each other's day are probably healthy then. Otherwise, boundaries should be set.
sohaib ahmed I’m people pleaser and I got hurt every time. I will stop that now
Disease to please is such a good way to phrase it! I used to think that me being ‘nice’ was a positive trait, but my eyes have been opened. Personally I’ve made great strides but I was just confronted with this professionally as I STRUGGLED to ask for a raise. I realized I was avoiding confrontation, and not prioritizing my needs and desires, to benefit others. So glad I pushed through. It went very well!
That is so true! My husband is a covert narc & it sucks bc I find myself waiting for his approval (very minimal now, but we've been together 6 years & it started out that he would throw me bread crumbs & I would give him 2 loaves of bread) I remember we got married, then he tells me we should go take a trip to see his family. I said but, what about our honeymoon? What about us? Without any regard for this occasion I found myself in CT being paraded around by his family. We got zero time together. On the last night I told him tomorrow I wanted to leave early to spend the day together in New York. He agreed & swore up & down we would have time together. I made it clear that was important to me. The next morning him & his dad got back from the gym at 8 am, informing me to get ready for lunch, his dad was taking us out. Not one mention of "hey is that ok? I know we made plans last night & we don't have to go." Or "Dad me & Jesse made plans already, but thanks for offering." I screamed at him the entire drive to the restaurant in the rental car, I didn't say a word at lunch, (I was being super infantile, not one of my fine moments. But I couldn't day anything positive so I just didn't say anything) I was just pissed!! We got into New York at 10 pm, had to turn in the rental car so we were stuck in the hotel. It makes you feel crazy when someone over looks your feelings constantly.
There was another occasion when my husband said he would start being more involved so I told him to plan something for his days off. When he had his first day off he what is meandering around the house, I finally ended up realizing that he hadn't planned anything so I grabbed a book and laid down on the couch. Not two minutes later he asked me what I wanted to do, I said I'm doing exactly what I want to do. He then proceeded to grab our child's hand and yell over his shoulder at me well if you're not going to come up with anything then I'll leave with our son. I said okay, have fun. I was so angry when he left but he didn't need to know that. I thought why am I going to sit here and do nothing fun? So I loaded up my kayak in my truck and drove an hour to the lake. I'm directly in the middle of the lake riding the wake of a speedboat when I hear my phone go off in the dry compartment. Once the waves weren't as bad I phoned him. He said "I got a babysitter for tonight are you almost home?" I said "last i heard you had gone out. I'm actually out at the lake right now and won't be back until dark." He acted all disappointed, but I felt so in control finally that day. I was not going to stop my fun just because he decided what he wanted to do. I was paddling through a canyon, & could hear fish jumping, but it was getting dark! I could see all the stars floating out there & I realized I was going to enjoy my life even if he tried to ruin it. I could've stayed home & cried, but I did something for me & didn't change my plans for him.
When I arrived home at 10 p.m. I began washing up in the spare bathroom, brushing teeth etc. He came into the bathroom asking where I was. "I was kaying." He said, "until 10 pm?" "Yep." He knows the lake is an hour away, I wasn't going to explain anything. How was it? It was so fun, I had a wonderful time. He seemed so irritated. He said "I'm going to bed." Now normally I'd say no, we need to talk. But I said, "ok night." He hesitated, then walked away almost as if looking for a sign I was sad he wouldn't talk. That was by far the most liberating experience, & ever since then I've been so much more in control of ME. I don't base my emotions off of his, when he's upset that's him, not me.
Good analogy regarding the bread crumbs! Good for you!! You are truly health and in control of your own state. You should be so proud of yourself!!
Stephanie Lyn Coaching - the work you're doing helps so many people Stephanie, thanks to people like you more people are waking up to see the manipulations, gaslighting, steamrolling, stonewalling, blame, shame, love bombing, & victim mentality!! Keep doing what you're doing!!! I wish I had this info years ago, but regardless knowledge is power!
very good stories and experiences
Jesse James , I don't know u ,but sounds like you have it together , I enjoyed reading your story, I am not married but I can sure learn from your story , thanks for sharing ,if you had not shared your story then I would have not learned that I can take your story and learn from it ,thank you
Jesse James OKAY, CONTINUE, THE TWO OF YOU, BEHAVING AS THOUGH Y'ALL ONE UPING ON EACH OTHER. BOTH WANT CONTROL, IT SEEMS, WHEN PEOPLE REALLY APPRECIATE, RESPECT AND VALUE EACH OTHER. NONSENSE, IS NOT APART OF THE EQUATION. UNLESS, BOTH ARE PLAYING SOME KIND OF GAME. Y'ALL WILL BE RUNNING OUT OF TIME, DON'T BELIEVE THE CHILD DOESN'T FEEL AND SENSE, THIS BS. THE REAL SO CALLED LOVE AND TOGETHERNESS, THE BOTH OF YOU HAVE GOING ON. STOP IT!!! LOOK AT THE BIG PICTURE, AND GROWING OLD TOGETHER, OR MAYBE Y'ALL KNOW THAT'S NOT THE PLAN. REALLY CHECK SELFS
Great video Stephanie. 👍
I’ve been people pleasing free for about a year now and I’ve experienced the great health benefits. Blood pressure is back to normal and I don’t feel like I’m running a marathon throughout the day.
JL 🙌👍
Inspiring 🙂
All my life I thought I was supposed to be a people pleaser. I was taught by my mother. I'm becoming more aware that being that way has thrown me off balance by feeling false guilt. It's going to take a long time to break away from this. One thing I've noticed is the more you do for people, the more they want. It's time for me to draw the line!
I also have people pleased my narcissist mother all my life which has affected every relationship in my life to my detriment. I have had chronic fatigue syndrome for 27 years it’s been a living hell automaticity pleasing everyone but myself, I totally understand at 59 years old I didn’t know what was wrong with me, I guess it’s better late than never, but my heart goes out to you as I have also lived your life. I wish you well in going forward in a positive healthier new life like I am also now trying to do . Bless you are everyone listening to this video.
I work on this by actively stopping myself from offering 'help'. Its not easy for me at all. The comfortable thing is the knee jerk response to offer everything i have to someone who needs it. They may not even want it and feel uncomfortable with me offering. I am ridiculous. But working on it.
Please stop saying u r ridiculous because the tongue is mightier and you r not ridiculous. I have learned to replace a bad thought with a good thought. lol
I used to do the same and now that i am healing and become more and more aware of these issues I have improved a great deal. I no longer ask people if they need help. I'm putting myself first.
I’ve been a target for Narcissists… Been the victim of gaslighting… Never took the time to understand, this was why. Then when my frustration rose to the boiling point, I exploded & then it was all my fault. It is my fault, because I allowed the abuse.
Definitely supportive! Thanks Steph 😊❤
I’m a people pleaser. I’m finally starting to speak up, through your videos it’s really beginning to help. I hate confrontation but this relationship has forced me to reflect on my outlook of life.
And have you noticed that alot of people don't like it when we do speak up....but we need to especially when everything has to be done on their terms....
I am one of the older generation (75) and I totally agree with what you are teaching. I am a Pastoral counselor and Christians are taught to ALWAYS turn the other cheek and that it is wrong to set boundaries etc. Thank you for teaching people pleasing in such a basic and understandable way. I have subscribed to your videos 👏👍
😭 for years I never knew why I was a people pleaser or why I have never been able to make decisions and I always asked everyone my friends my family for opinions and listening to what I was told. I'm 28 now and Stephanie thank you so much for this it really sheds light to many of us who have struggled with such issues. How are you just so perfect in explaining this? And yes I have always been taken advantage of. I even attracts a narcissist for a husband and I left him after two months of marriage. Thank you so so so much.
Good for you for leaving early
I was thinking about this today I’ve done so much for other people in my life and where did it get me no where . So now it’s time I put my life first .
I wish I had this video 20 years ago. The amounts of pain and anguish I could have avoided. I tick every checkbox on that list and o am married to someone who does emotionally abuse and manipulates me. A realization is one thing, figuring out how to fix it will be far more difficult.
I'm 34yrs old and just starting to really recognise that i'm a bit of a people pleaser especially when it's my family and friends. Now I've reached the point where i've been so generous and forgiving of toxic ppl in my life that they're now used to expecting me to let their bad behaviour slide. I'm done! It's costing me way too much stress and strain it's time to change and think about ME. No one else is!
So true ..I had a habit of feeling really bad to pull away from people I felt uncomfortable with ,because a lot of people will turn it around and make it your problem ..trouble is there are a lot of stressed and unstable people around ...I feel like a coward if I don't make my own decisions ,
Also these days of spiritual growth ..I do try and do the decent thing ..such a lot for all of us to learn .Thanks Love your video's .
I appreciate your clarity and specific examples. It's wonderful we are given the opportunity now to wake up from the stupor put upon us as a child. Now parents can also be conscious of what they are molding in their children. 🎉
Loved this thank you so much.
I was raised by my dad who is a retired 101st airborne sergent and alcoholic. Im the oldest and yes i fully recognize now my start of people pleasing.
I have relapsed in my co dependency and tools i had to love me etc.
Im back in the program and in a women's support group.
Again thank you so much for your viedos so much help.
God Bless you
I am healing with God and you... everyday I feel less guilty, it easy to understand your videos.
You have to be very careful. Letting children having their own way too much is the driving force in the explosion in narcissism
I thought I heard her say let children have choices. To me that means asking little Suzy, do you want to wear the purple shirt of the pink shirt today.
Right not spoiling them
What you say about childhood is so right and it does affect us greatly when we become adults
She was spot on I still having people pleasing tendencies I had very hard time make decisions I was so indecisive now intentionally people please by doing stuff that I don’t want to do I know I’ll get praise watching these videos really helps me
Oh my Goddd ...I can't thank you enough there is this freedom and relief I just experienced right now after watching this video like i've been so drowned in anxiety,I find it difficult meet people because I please people and I don't get it back and you know how difficult it is because I don't know what to expect when I see them. Thanks so much ❤🥺
It was my bad behaviour but now i can say i'm free and more assertive in any communication
Really loved this video please do keep these videos coming. There is a lot of us who may not always comment but are extremely effected in a positive way from your videos
This is your future self-you are doing great helping people still :)
Super important addendum is if you ask a question, listen to the answer. I've experienced in my childhood parents getting annoyed/angry when you don't give the right answer, meaning there was never a choice to begin with.
I never thought of myself as a people pleaser because I always thought it was those women that love hosting parties and doing everything for everyone else. I'm not that social so I couldnt relate until this week when I realised several new 'friends' I'd made were women who didn't actually seem to like or respect me but wanted to use me as free emotional support and boast to so they could feel better about themselves. These false friendships made me feel awful and were painful. I looked into how they'd evolved and realised I'd really wanted them to like me and be friends as I was lonely and flattered they wanted my friendship ie I put them on a pedestal then tried to 'be a good friend' which I'm now realising is code pendent people pleasing behaviour. I've not replied to one of them because I can't bare to listen to her whining about petty problems and I def feel a bit nervous and guilty not replying but it's also kind of exhilarating standing firm and putting myself first. It's been really useful realising I had this people pleasing tendency, it's also other piece in the puzzle.
I just watched the co-dependency video and now this video.. Man, call me out. I have a lot to work on. A lot. I’m glad i found these videos
I thank the Lord for showing me your Videos and it's helping me out in the real world . Much love from Sydney Australia
Indeed
Pen Nit Gives reference to an imaginary friend and then to reality. At least you seem to know the difference. I love this comment!
It's not healthy. We're better than that. Thanks, Stephanie!
Growth is the relief of pain.
Had a few painful realizations while listening. Thank you. I am happy you're in a better place now, and I hope I could do that for myself as well.
Now I see why people think I have a problem when I ask them basic questions about what they want/need or how they feel and their opinions. When its just them growing up in a society which doesn't give and never gave them choices.
I love how I have evolved. I will never stop aaking even if they think I am dumb for asking.
Wow where have you been all my life. I've watched countless videos on this topic and no one had explained it as well as you did. Thank you! This video helped me a lot.
I felt ..... You are speaking about ME ... Am every bit that complete LIST ...
Lately recognising it and trying to make changes....
Actually ...I ... don't HV a voice ...and I need to find my voice .
Wish me luck....
Really appreciate you making these videos ..it helps many like me ... understanding better..
Am on a new path that I haven't walked on until now ...I want to have a good happy walk ...
God bless ...
Going through a divorce and it has been very painful. Your videos have helped me to evaluate myself and decide what I need to learn from this experience.
So you’re telling me I can actually stop being a people pleaser?! I thought this was my life forever. Thank you for the hope!!
Thank you for mentioning that you sometimes fall back into old habits, because I've noticed, as much work as I've done to overcome people pleasing, I've also been through a lot and it's affected me in this way, and I've noticed that I've slipped back into old ways. My confidence has really taken a knocking in the last two years in particular, and just seems like for my whole life whenever I try and move forward someone steps in and has another jab at me? I was feeling bad about slipping, but I guess it's just normal to regress at times. I've noticed that I have started asking friends for their opinion again, when I know it's not the best for me. I grew up with a mother who made all the decisions for me...even what I wore sometimes, and I had to learn how to do this for myself as a younger woman leaving home. A woman I know reminded me the other day that I don't need anyone elses opinion, which was kind of her. I've just felt so low and like i'm really nothing...after a few people really judging me as worthless. You can feel it even if they don't say it to you in words.
This is spot on! Wow! So glad I discovered you today! I really needed your perspective. Thank you.
Nice to hear encouragement to look after yourself , thankyou Stephanie
To Lyn, thank you for your videos, they really help me. I'm learning and realising to only surround myself with positive ppl who uplift me and say positive things. I keep away from those who are negative. This year and last have been a real eye opener for me.
You explain this perfectly! Thank you.
Almost 100K!!! Congrats Stephanie!
This is very good for fixing pattern breaking habits and answering to others!
Thank you for this message. I definetly need this video, I believe I am on the right path. God bless you!
I love it giving your children choices or asking them what they want
I can't believe it .. all this video you're talking about me !! My life .. you opend my eyes ..really thank you so much ..God bless you 🙏🙏❤
Excellent and wise. Especially the initial perspective on "old school" parents and fear of confrontation. It has taken me years to learn I was a "people pleaser" but one of the best parts of growing older is that we naturally begin to question that programmed response. I am learning to set boundaries, to say "No" when necessary, and to trust myself more. It has been painful, especially in the romantic relationship department but I am a work in progress, and this is a core issue with me. I have sought professional counseling at least 3 times in my life, but none of the mental health therapists nailed it like you did in 18 minutes. Wherever "there" is, I am getting there..., thanks so much! My next relationship will be much healthier as a result I'm sure. One post-script: would love to hear you say something about the connection between chronic people pleasing, hiding one's inner anger at being that way, and substance use/abuse. I have always hated the taste of alcohol but binge-drinking on weekends sure numbed me to my inner rage. I can see now that by the end of a week of being a major people pleaser in my life and work I was secretly furious at life and people. I am better now and getting better. Not afraid of confronting others when necessary now, setting boundaries, nor saying bye bye to toxic people in my life. And Mr. Smirnoff no longer is my weekend chum. Keep up the good work.
Thank you for sharing your advice that you have learned to change your own life. Your advice is helping so many people to change their lives too. You are a real inspiration to others!
I have learned from childhood that people don't want to hear or listen to me. Be seen but not heard. I have learned to be a listener. When I start talking about myself or my interests, they usually have to go. This is my whole family really. My kids aren't interested in anything I am, they have actually told me they don't want to hear it. My husband isn't really interested in what I have to say either. No one is. No what? Live like a hermit? There aren't very many nice people in the world.
Your videos are so insightful. Also, you present the information in an easy to follow manner.
toneman335 thank you so much!
I find your channel so helpful. Thanks for what you do...
The opinions if others just really dont matter. That's some of the best words ever. And so true..
Might I add another thing that causes one to wanna please is the fear of being rejected and wanting to be accepted . Or fear of being beat by the abuser so you try your best to do what you think will please them and live up to their standards and in the process you start to lose yourself. I know from experience as being mentally, emotionally and physically abused as a child and teen . God Bless everyone and my pray is that everyone who struggles with this learn to love themselves enough to say NO and take a stand for self learn to be who you are . No More People Pleasing and they opinions DON'T Matter.
Very well articulated with excellent insight. Well done & thank you for sharing.
So was I no longer am a people pleaser it feels really good . You are very good and helpful.
Great advice. I have suffered from this too, and been taken advantage of as a result. More things I wish I'd known when I was younger ...
Thank you so much ! I felt so relate to this vídeo . Im getting healthier, but its a day by day work to validate myself and think what i want and what I NEED !💪🏼
I am enjoying your content this morning. Thanks for sharing this with us
Very eye opening! I grew up in old school parenting like that and I’m a people pleaser.
Yes. This is me and it has been my whole life. I can feel when it started too. It was when the abuse started. I’m now trying to learn to love myself.
Hell yeah! Thanks for your encouragement, this is exactly what I needed
Disease to please! Oh gosh...I know everything happens for a reason, but why couldn't I have seen this two years ago! UGH!!!
thank you for providing all this content. It really opens my eyes, and causes me to reflect on impact of my childhood. Can't say thank you enough.
I think part of your life purpose is to spread the good vibes and wisdom I’m grateful for you for that thank you and keep staying authentic
Thank you for the presentation. I am a people pleaser, I hate confrontation. I worry too much what others think.
The information that is given and how the teaching is life changing and helpful.
I’m so happy to have com across this video because I’m definitely a people pleaser and I want to develop healthier ways to cope and stop people pleasing. it’s just to draining on me 😫
thanks for your vedio, I am old school and never was raised by anyone but myself and had to learn the hard way, so its nice to hear what u have to say because it all comes from the bible which taught me. like eye opener, our eyes are blinded or we see, why...... because of denial and not knowing yourself and your wants. yes because i took care of my self at an earlier age, i can become coindependent because i know how it feels when people have to go without and i don't want to see that in them if I can. so thanks it is nice to learn what coindependent means which i had difficult understanding. you are making me and my daughter life at ease and at peace because she is learning from u, and is taking care of herself and knowing herself. thank you she like to listen to u and says mom that is what u say too.... i don't feel guilty because guilty wants to trap u where u don't want to be. so the bible is what taught me. and thank you now i have someone else to help me and my daughter out.
Thanks!!!! This is so true - I have seen in life people Will use you if you let them!!!! I have always been the type to give more than I get -which is good according to th bible and I have been blessed = but there gets to a point you have to put your foot down!!!
Thank you so much. I was the same for the majority of my life and felt like an empty shell, bitter and restless, now things have changed and I started listening to my gut feelings and telling truth and it has empowered me in many ways. Thank you again.
WOW!! This hit home for me. So glad I came across this video. It makes so much sense why I've been this way for all my life so far. But then again, I'm Libra sun & rising so that explains a lot for desire to please others, asking others for their opinions, having a difficult time making a decision, and fear of confrontation. Thank you!
Oh my goodness. Thank you so much for this video. I can remember in my childhood about the way I didn’t get a choice to make a decision and now I’m in my 50s and this is so much revelation.
Thanks for the video. The difficulty I have is that I have had this disease to please for so long, I struggle to know who I am or what I want! I used so much of my time bending my personality to please others it has become my default position. Now that I have finally found the courage to leave my Narcissistic wife after 26 years I am slowly forcing my self to understand who I am and what I want. But it is very hard.
How well said and explained! Thank you very much, I received answers for so many of my questions. Looking forward to your new videos!
This channel has been eye opening to me about issues that I could not bring to terms. Although healing is further down the road, the first step in healing is knowing the problem. Learning that there is a title for the way I am (an empath and an extremely codependent one if I must say) gives me a reference point to begin the stages of betterment. I’m grateful to learn from you and words cannot describe my gratitude! “Always forward, forward always.” -Luke Cage-
U are a blessing and an angel I stumble across your channel because I deal with a toxic person for 5 years and I needed advice and to understand what I went threw turns out my was abused by my and for years and I found my self going threw the same cycle without even knowing I’m over the relationship with him know healing I just wanna day thank u
My family were so difficult for other people to deal with I learned young to try and make everyone super comfortable around me, so I wouldn’t be so alone and my social circle would see me as different from my parents.
This really resonated with me and I'm working on it. What I sometimes struggle with us knowing what I want after being a people pleaser for so long. I'll keep digging, thanks so much for this video
I’m loving all these videos!!
Realizing why I’ve been struggling mentally feeling guilty for saying no.
I’m working hard to acknowledge I MATTER and to put my needs before others is OK.
Thank you, thank you, thank you 🙏🏻
I must say, that I absolutely love your channel and the kinds of topics you cover! You’ve taught me so much and quite frankly, it’s helping me become more confident! So thank you!!
Stephanie absolutely ❤your videos you made me take a look at something from my childhood, my mom used to always make me iron her clothes for work, and I hated it with a passion! so I think I learn to just do for people because she made me do these things not being aware that's it's a part of people-pleasing👌 I didn't mind helping people, but when I realize people take advantage of it that's when I had to put my foot down🤣 and now people🤔 are mad, which I don't care💪 thank you so much for helping me to reflect on my childhood💕