Anxiety is Fundamentally a Boundary Problem
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 3 ต.ค. 2022
- This insight into anxiety can help you understand more deeply what worry is productive and what is unproductive and harmful. Live the best life possible by learning not to worry about what you have no control over.
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This video was created by Barbara Heffernan, LCSW for educational purposes only. These videos are not diagnostic and provide no individual consultation. Consumption of these materials is for your own education and any medical, psychological, or professional care decisions should be made between you and your primary care doctor or another provider that you are engaged with. Barbara Heffernan is not available for individual consultation via TH-cam, social media, or email, and provides services only in the manner mentioned above.
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Anxiety as a boundary problem is a super insightful and liberating idea! Thank you Barbara, love it.
The connection between anxiety and boundaries is precisely why the serenity prayer is so important in 12-step programs as a means of recovering from addition--which is ultimately a destructive way of dealing with anxiety! Grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change, the courage to change what I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
I love the serenity prayer. It got me through a very difficult time in my life!
Again...such a logical well grounded approach..I love this. Breaking it down to realistic strategy's. I also say the serenity prayer. Part of Anxiety is focusing on what we cannot change/ control. It maddening . It's also fear of the unknown . Both can drive you nuts. Breaking it down , setting boundaries within your own thoughts makes a difference. It's not easy when anxiety takes over and you can't think straight. So catching thoughts before they get too carried away is helpful.
Anxiety for me is thinking too much about the future, what I have control over & what I don’t
Hate feeling powerless
Super true. I did some work on my assertiveness (mainly to deal with my family better) and as I got better about setting my boundaries my social anxiety in general started to "magically" clear up, even though I wasn't focusing on that at all.
Awesome. Thanks so much for sharing - I think that will be helpful for others!
Thank you. I feel that people in my life who cannot set boundaries for themselves also cannot respect the boundaries i set towards either them or others. They keep tresspassing, which is very annoying and, when in a relationship, isolating. But the more you are attached to someone, the more difficult it becomes to be firm with your boundaries. If you aren’t, resentment comes crawling in. That’s my experience. Thx for the video
Love this! Pausing to find where I end, what I don't have power over, is very enlightening. A great different perspective on anxiety!
So pleased it resonated!
I understand your point about not worrying about things you can do nothing about. However I find the real problem arises from thinking you should do something about it especially when it’s a family member you’re worrying about
I love the positive and upbeat talk, very very helpful. I had no idea about cognitive anxiety, it fits in well with some of my experiences. It's like torture at times and very difficult to get out of it. Having to right information is very helpful. I have been going to a psychologist for two years but what I'm told about anxiety doesn't seem to match what I experience, so I have been very confused. I also have some faith in Buddhism and meditation. But when my head is screaming or totally lost I need the right information and kindness to get out of it. I hope to learn more about cognitive anxiety and PTSD. Please don't stop your TH-cam talks. Thank you
No plans to stop :). Thank you for letting me know what you felt was useful! I do wish you all the best!
I have been suffering from anxiety and depression for 15 years my first panic attack I was driving alone and ever since I have bad attacks trying to drive anywhere... I don't like being without my husband also have white coat syndrome so it's hard to go to Dr and dentist.... I just bought 2 cbt therapy workbooks 7 week course I hope between that and your videos I can get my life back! Thank you
Hope that will help you. I also have very big problems with myself.
Hi Mechelle: So sorry to hear this. I also hope the books and these videos are helpful. And that if you need more help, you'd be willing to reach out to a therapist. Also, just remember that avoidance does make this kind of anxiety worse. This may help:th-cam.com/video/zy_6OrsrYMU/w-d-xo.html. Wishing you all the best!
@@BarbaraHeffernan we are strange creatures.. driven by the compounds various parts of our bodies & brain produce in our creation/evolution, that have helped us to survive .. life ! .. Life ! .. is what happens when we're busy making plans .. in a sense .. at times there is no logic .. it just is what it is .. whatever is is .. I'm no warm & fuzzies sort of person at all .. but really struggle with some effects of a tbi .. had a wonderful clinical psychologist specialised in army personel PTSD types conditions & brain injuries that helped to some degree .. she found my logic helped her too .. as she said, but .. that may have been a placebo she was applying .. people & clinicians often mistaken & confuse anxiety with stress & vis versa .. they are quite different even though they may "feel" the same they have very different drivers & trigger different parts of the brain .. I've known about nature's compounds for years & stayed away from influences beyond my understandings but recently discovered/used .. mushrooms .. & micro dosing .. have been somewhat life changing for myself AND my wife of 49yrs a now passed sufferer of rhumatiod arthritis .. this is turning into a book .. liking your channel though somewhat contraversial .. that's life .. we should blame NO ONE of the things in our lives .. I don't .. all have been of my decisions I accept as we all need to .. everything I do/suffer is my problem .. to resolve .. by the solution I find from others & myself .. our life is a desert in which we create our oasis's .. for ourselves & others .. I'll end here .. trying to digest your channel & perspectives as controversial as it might inwardly seem .. tbi is terrible in knowing what we once were, & reasoning with which we cannot now do.. for me, reasoning for solutions/answers to problems, this problem .. I used to be an excellent creative problem solver .. the saying, careful what you wish for ! .. take nothing for granted .. we are a chemical factory & nature has some serious solutions .. regards from NZ
@@BarbaraHeffernan I may have missed the point of avoidance .. but I've found some element of anxieties can often be just misconceived priorities.. what's really important in life.. is life itself.. be thankful for the people we love, being here.. be pleased with their presence & accept their faults & share their journey & yours & any plans life intervenes .. of all the others .. they are just there .. make most of our time with the ones we care for.. people or pets they are all our life.. love them in who they are in the moment.. life is a wonderful wonderful gift.. take NOTHING for granted it can change for ever .. in a moment !!
Spinoza's cause and effect - we are bound to the causes which in turn produce effects.
In turn, resulting effects produce new causes.
This goes ad infinitum ❤
I really like the idea of re-focusing and of accepting the point up to which we have control over things. Usually, streching myself to find a solution, making an over-effort to motivate my clients, frustrates me and leads me to burn out. Setting boundaries can be proactive. No burn out, let them decide for themselves.
Absolutely! Beautifully said :)
Really interesting! I suppose you are absolutely right - not accepting something, instead of someone, is not under your control is also a boundary issue and feeling out of control makes you feel anxious. Well done x
Exactly! Thanks!
Appreciate you SOOO much Barbara!!
Thank you!!
I can SO relate to anxiety being a boundary issue because I suffer with over responsibility!!!
Thank you for this informative video. ☀️💐
I LOVE your approach/style. 🥇❤️
HAPPY to have found your channel.
THANKING YOU in advance for what appears to be AMAZING content.
Looking forward to watching more of your videos.
🙋🏻♀️🤸🏻♂️☀️
Welcome! I so appreciate your letting me know!
it makes sense..a lot
Thank you , I need listen to this. Couple time more
You’re so right
The concept makes sense. I wanted to say I did not know there are different kinds of anxiaty. I was not familiar with the types you mentioned.
Thanks for letting me know that! This video might explain more: th-cam.com/video/dlMWq_K3VqU/w-d-xo.html
Thank you so much for sharing!
You are so welcome!
Thank you Barbara - makes sense to me!
You are welcome!
Brilliant! Thank you, so clearly explained!
Totally makes sense. Very helpful. Massive thank you, Barbara!
Awesome. So glad it was helpful!
Love your channel Barbara!
Thank you! I appreciate your letting me know :)
I love this! 💫❣️❤️
Thank you. ♥
You're welcome 😊
Thank you so much, Barbara
God bless you 🙏
This was great!!🤗
Thank you!!
Very helpful information. Thank you Barbara
You are so welcome!
This was very helpful on such a fundamental level for me, thank you!
So glad! Thanks for letting me know :)
thanks 👍
Welcome 👍!
Thank you for this insight! I grew up in a dysfunctional religious family and have always had trouble with God as a helper with anxiety.
You are welcome, and thank you for sharing your viewpoint! I think it could be helpful for others as well.
Love this, thank you. ❤
You are so welcome! I hope it is helpful!
We are blessed to have your great insight
So nice of you! I truly hope it is helpful!
Thank you.❤
You are so welcome!
This is so helpful thank you
Glad it was helpful!
Excellent. Love the concept and connection. The Serenity Prayer come to life... great content. Thank you.
Thank you so much! Yes, the serenity prayer!
One of your most helpful videos. Thanks Barb for being such an awesome human!
Thank you for your kind note! It's also great to get the feedback that you thought this was one of the most helpful videos!
@@BarbaraHeffernan "The way out is in." ~ Thich Nhat Hanh
Thank you very much Barbara Heffernan. Proud of you👍👍👍
😊
Loved this video...and the thoughts it provoked...thank you🙏
So glad! 😀
It clicked for me as soon as I read the title. You explain it so well that I immediately subscribed. Thank you.
Awesome! Thank you!
Hello
Thank you very much for this wonderful definition of anxiety as a boundary issue.. it makes sense. I don't know if any one said this before you if not
🙂then you are relly genius
This may be an easy way to convince many anxious people to let go of their anxiety and I'm sure many who are suffering from anxiety especially GAD will fell better when they listen to this video and this might be all they need to cure their anxiety ..great you are amazing
❤🥰
thank you so much! ❤
I love it so much!!! I love your channel... I love you.... Thanks🙋♀️🌷😁🤸♀️🤸♀️
😀💐
Very helpful madam 🙏
Thanks for letting me know!
Thank you for the video. In all honesty I can see how your content may apply to milder and more generalized forms of anxiety. But, for a person with chronic social anxiety recovering from complex childhood trauma, the issue is far more complex I think because of the very deeply rooted conditioning of the fight or flight response in such people
Thank you for this comment. I was thinking the same thing. The part where I stopped nodding to the video was the "if there is something you can get up and do today, then you get up and do it." the "just do it" part is something that people who don't struggle with anxiety are very quick to suggest. However, people that go into freeze mode when they feel overwhelmed often don't "get up and do it" even if theoretically they could. It's like you say, the issue runs deeper. Logic alone doesn't help to "snap out of it". Still, I appreciate videos like these where connections between two seemingly unrelated things are discussed.
Hi: I totally agree. In no way is this a solution for trauma, PTSD, OCD... Still, I hope it is an insight that can help somewhat with the cognitive anxiety that may be a more surface level difficulty... I see TH-cam videos more as "snippets" that might help, rather than a cure... Thank you for sharing your perspective as I'm sure many people will feel the same!
Panic attacks are hell.
I've found the inverse to be a better schema. Growing up in chaos and brutal authoritarianism the world was as unfair as it was disordered. I was trained that it was both unfair and selfish to have or expect that my boundaries should be respected. Those with the power to affect me were allowed to simply because they had physical or institutional power to do so.
I don't allow the world to run roughshod over me anymore mentally and it has largely stopped doing so physically.
Barbara can you create a video on acceptance and commitment therapy ? I just started Therapy regarding a Depression and my psychologist is using ACT
It's a good one to add to my list. It has elements of mindfulness and the type of acceptance I talk about in this video. I hope it goes well!
do you have a video on how to do emdr yourself so you can handle a life task that you are phobic about? I cannot handle any task re my finances without feeling blocked by overwhelming fear and anxiety. I grew up in poverty. I am in 50s and left with huge debts when spouse ran off after decades of abuse. I work and try to earn money and am a bookkeeper so I have the tools to be a good manager but overwhelming anxiety fear and shame keep my hands tied. when a child there were days with no food mom sent me at 9 and 10 years old to pick up bounced cheques at grocery store and rent cheques from landlord. I think even though i have real financial problems today my crippling anxiety causing avoidance is also tied to those experiences and my mom's attitudes fears and anxieties.
haha, it rained on my wedding day, I was 21 and so upset. Little did I know that was the least of my problems!
Yes, it is a relatable example!!
But how does this theory work with OCD and anxiety over disease, contamination, ect?
It makes so much sense! It is definitely more difficult without religion!
Yes, though that is often because we want to trust a "good" outcome will happen... Yet, while we wait and worry for that good outcome, we are ruining the now. This is actually a good topic for another video
What about health anxiety? That is what I deal with since I have thyroid issues and limbic system impairment from trauma. I am a Christian, but I am still fearful when my body has certain symptoms. Unfortunately these things cause mental and physical issues.
This applies to health anxiety as well.. I know it is very hard for people to accept.... health anxiety is one in which the anxiety really takes control and thoroughly convinces the person that they have to worry... but worrying about what you don't have control over is not good for one's health, no matter what the condition... Wishing you all the best!
Wish I had a shrink like you
😀❤. I hope you find someone who works wonderfully with you!
@@BarbaraHeffernan I'm not in dire need of it now (but I used to be), & most of ur colleagues I feel, kinda do suck unfortunately
Can u please help my friend , who is having scribbling his hand writing ,due to his anxiety towards written exams
Hi: Unfortunately, I can't help people individually via TH-cam, email, or social media. Most of my videos are anxiety could be helpful for people no matter what their anxiety is... I wish you and your friend all the best
Can you please make a video on how to recover from being raised by an abusive mother who constantly insults and belittles you
I'm actually working on something along those lines. That is a very difficult situation to be raised in. Thanks for reaching out.
@@BarbaraHeffernan I would appreciate that a lot. In particular, when your mom showers your sibling with love and affection, but choses you as the one to be:
1. Looked at with disdain Instead of showing physical affection (while looking at sibling with loving facial expression and showering them with hugs and kisses)
2. Constantly comparing you to other boys and telling you how ugly, stupid and incapable you are compared to them.
3. Spreading lies about you to ruin your friendships, relationships, business ventures, and reputation.
4. Instigating your father into beating you so she can watch for her personal entertainment and smile while the beating is happening
5. Telling you that any girl you have a crush on won’t want you because you’re not tall/handsome/charming enough. Spreading false rumors about you to your girlfriend to ruin the relationship.
6. Whenever you try to confront her, accuses you of being “too sensitive” and “thin skinned”
Basically never experiencing love, care or emotional safety from anyone. Only betrayal and abuse.
I'm poverless in my anxiety.
Yes, that is a common feeling... however, there may be a few techniques that over time help shift this belief. Wishing you all the best, Barbara
@@BarbaraHeffernan Can you please show me what techniques?
Hi: My anxiety playlist has 31 videos at the moment:th-cam.com/play/PLhEK7JY7zF9mFUo7FZnUP-7eg2Zk1EzsK.html.
Lots of techniques shared. I also recommend this, which is set up as a 3 week program: (it is a playlist with 4 videos): th-cam.com/play/PLhEK7JY7zF9kA_tAaHg7IAViexM94wqnx.html
You are amazing, Barbara!!! I know several people who struggle with betrayal trauma. It takes boundaries to a whole new level, especially when they are around the people who have betrayed them and the betrayals keep coming. In some families, you can reduce time with abusers, but may not be able to fully eliminate encounters with them. Those who have been betrayed get accused of always being offended, but they are mostly trying to keep from getting hurt.
God is always in control. Since I've given my worries to God, I am much happier.
How wonderful you have been able to make that shift!
First
😀
13th!
Accepting isn't trusting. We don't trust the universe based on our experiences of it. Learning to live well with one's doom is quite a trick. It sounds like something the arts handle well if religions seem unconvincing.
Now we can worry about worrying, and waste our lives trying not to waste our lives.