And yet it is still another video where the focus is on anxious people and help for them… oh here comes the bad avoidant taking the lead and hurting them WTF There are myriad other presentations of avoidant that have nothing to do with dating anxiously attached types and being everyone’s “problem ‘ in a relationship - that never get covered… again.
My therapist used to say "Who made you think it was bad to have needs?" because I was trying so hard to get rid of my needy/clingy-ness. She found ways to teach me how to love myself and be secure while also knowing that it's ok to advocate for myself and what I need
Was there someone or texts that tried to convince you that you were needy? For me i have always firmly believed that my needs are okay - whether self-love or not. Today i see, neediness is used often in a very inflationary way to shame people.
Right? My mom is quite avoidant and disinterested in frequent or close relationships with people in general. I am very clingy, need affection, crave a stable, long-term, intense relationships and my mom always criticizes it for being needy and suffocating... And then the individualistic society... It actually made me feel very seen when she said it's a normal and valid need...
Tbf, I don’t think most people think it’s not okay. What I generally see is that a lot of “needy” people kind of _impose_ that need on others instead of finding someone with whom they’re actually compatible. And tell the person who doesn’t want that kind of closeness that they’re bad or wrong for not wanting it. It can happen the other way around, too, but it’s usually the more “needy” person who pushes to keep the relationship going regardless of incompatibility, calls the other person out for even thinking about ending it, but then keeps trying to change them into the person they would _actually_ want to have a relationship with. I think that’s what most people think is unhealthy and wrong on an absolute/moral level. In terms of just wanting a lot of contact, plenty of people aren’t into it and shouldn’t have to pretend they are, but that’s not the same as saying it’s objectively wrong. Sure, especially if you tend to be attracted to emotionally unavailable people and you constantly get that “criticism”, it may feel like it, but it’s just people expressing a preference or enforcing a boundary that needs to be at least compromised on if you want to keep the relationship going. Or, perhaps, a dealbreaker, where if you can’t meet them where they’re at, it’s a no-go, and then it’s up to you to choose whether it’s something you can and want to do.
That's not what she said in the video. Hardly anyone is arguing that you shouldn't want to spend plenty of time with your partner...the argument is you shouldn't feel the need to spend ALL of your time with your partner and entangle every aspect of your life into theirs. But that is specifically what she's claiming is ok in this video (and this mentality literally aligns with the patriarchal status quo that leaves many people vulnerable to intimate partner violence).
@@tp2005 personally I have had people act like you are too clingy if you want at least a text from your partner everyday so yes a lot of people do argue that
It did sound like she was giving a green flag to basing your entire life around another person, and that sounds like codependency to me...? I can see it working for an extended period of time, but I'm not sure that level of codependency is permanently sustainable.
loved this! another thing i can’t stand is the anxious = good people, avoidant = bad people logic that’s often perpetuated (mostly by people with an anxious attachment style)
i also feel like the typical presentation is that one of the two is painted as vile and unreasonable. Usually in topics about attachment theory it tends to be as you say. It leads, for me at least, to feeling very frustrated and even triggered by the discussions around it. Ultimately i dont want to judge people for who they are. If someone requires clear and deep connections and spend lots of time with their partner, that's cool with me. But that's not universal, and neither is a demand for clean-cut full independence.
That's wild! I didn't realise people were pitting anxious and avoidant against each other like that. Makes no sense for people who've actually read the book.
This has given me a lot to think about. I've dated someone who was completely dependent on me for everything. Didn’t have any other support system. It was super draining and i found myself wishing they had a life outside of me. At the same time they never wanted to participate in activities with my friends. I found myself craving that time away from them. So i agree that depending on other people now and then is inevitable and desirable, but i think it's also important to be a whole person, not to expect someone else to "complete" you. Support each other but also be able to support yourself when need be.
Yup. It always frightens me how much my social life either depends on someone else’s friends, or that our social lives are fully separate besides each other. I’ve only had a somewhat healthy relationship with someone who I met through a friend group and even then I was too anxious and he was too avoidant. It just… imploded because we were trying to forge a relationship that looked like what our mothers expected instead of what we actually wanted.
“When anxious people let avoidant people take the lead in relationships it’s basically shooting themselves in the foot” I didn’t even realize I needed to hear that.
Agreed but my caution is with a dark perosnitlu type like an NPD we can’t see them coming and years later wake up married to someone we didn’t know. Not sure it’s safe to tell people certain things in the beginning
Something I’ve noticed too is that attachment styles can change with partners. There has been relationships where I have been the anxious person, then avoidant in another. In the most healthiest relationship I have, I am so secure.
If you are an anxious mess in one relationship and secure in another, that’s because one is a healthy partner and the other one isn’t. This is why attachment style theory is so fickle. Is it actually anxious attachment, or do you just have an abusive partner?
So my ex partner actually didn't love me because he was avoidant with me. He said he isn't always like that. So I'm a bad partner.. it works so good and then he drops me, it's been like this for four times. So with someone else he can be healthy and give more but not with me, that's great to hear
@@skromnyasha Your partner more than likely would not be avoidant because you're a bad partner? Their avoidance is what MAKES them the bad partner 90% of the time and makes other people worn out/anxious. That person is using you and sounds like a narcissistic jerk. I wouldn't even label him as avoidant
Another gem, thank you. Having BPD and a fearful/disorganized attachment I don't know what makes me more uncomfortable- dating a more anxious man or more avoidant. Either the fear of losing my autonomy comes up, or my anxiety and abandonment fears kick in. I make it a point to observe other people's attachments and hold space for them to communicate their needs. I sit in discomfort at times but get through it.
I've never liked the rhetoric (especially online) that wanting a relationship is a sign that you're weak and not independent enough, so you should first work on yourself more before trying to find a partner. It's against our nature and also you'll never be perfect, so if you wait for that you'll never be "good enough" to look for a relationship.
So true, especially when we know that being in a secure relationship is the fastest route to self-love and more secure attachment. Trying to get there without any help is much harder
@@AnaPsychology YESS relationships can be healing and help both people heal when you find the right one, because you receive what you've always needed and seek.
True. I am one of these "I have to be good enough to have any value in relatonship. If not, they will 100% leave me cause I won't give enough from myself, I won't be good enough". And that leads me to perfectionism, lack of self love and keeping a distance from people I might like or who may like me in a romantic way. I want to fix myself before I start relationship but there are things I cant fix without the other person
I agree on all these points except the first one. I think it's natural to want, even need space. I think there's something to be said about a degree of freedom and independence. What's more, if you experience something separately, I think it's grand to think, "Wow, my SO would love this place/event/person/food! I'll share this with them." Having an outside source of novelty, experiencing it, then bringing it into the shared life, I think can be productive. I might also point out that, should an anxious person feel secure in a relationship, they may feel more bold and adventurous because they know, at the end of the day, they have a safe harbor to return to. But I'm a layman, so I could be wrong. I've identified myself as Fearful-Avoidant and have a lot to work on. :)
To be clear, I don't think there's anything wrong with needing space! If that's the impression I gave in point #1, I must not have done a very good job of expressing myself. What I was hoping to convey is that there's nothing wrong with wanting to spend most of your time with your partner, either. There will of course be occasions to go out and do your thing independently, and that's perfectly great too. I completely agree with you that people sometimes use time spent apart as a way to get even closer to their partner, because they have so much more to share that they did on their own.
@@AnaPsychologyIndeed Ana, that first point as you expressed it, made it prone to be completely misunderstood. You are engaged in a secure relationship, and share a home with your husband so you see things in a specific manner in your present, but the way you expressed it could be taken wrong for other people that are on the insecure attachment side of things, that need to work on their self-esteem. Falling for them in an insecure relationship will make them prone to codependency
@@AnaPsychology I feel it just depends on the needs of the individuals in the relationship. Wanting to spend all your time together, or wanting more balance of independence and dependence are just two different types of people. The key is just finding a match in that regard so both parters are happy with the balance of the time together versus apart.
It's a common misconception that individuals with a secure attachment style are immune to changes in their attachment patterns or are always drawn to secure partners. While they tend to be better at recognizing and seeking out healthy relationships, they can still end up with someone who is not secure, potentially leading to shifts in their own attachment style over time.
very interesting. It can also explain why one might start feeling a wide array of negative feelings they are not used to when in relations to certain people specifically
Exactly. Painting securely attached as these blissful , immune beings is false. There isn’t enough conversation about secure - insecure pairings. I think I’m fairly secure and I am not well equipped to deal with avoidants. I prefer anxious partner because I’ve noticed that with time they become much calmer with me. Avoidants seem to be stuck in this tendency to distance and it’s difficult to pass through that. I think most people want more closeness with time and for an avoidant it’s a terrifying prospect.
This is absolutely right. Also, everyone knows about anxious attachers as they are portrayed everywhere in art and pop culture. As a species we lean towards connection, so nothing new there. Meeting an avoidant for the first time though, even if you are secure, can make you seriously doubt yourself, especially if you’ve never heard of attachment theory.
For anyone struggling with an anxious attachment, I just want you to know that neediness can be super cute and attractive to the right person. Of course you should always strive towards being secure in yourself but lots of people love feeling needed. For example, I am attracted to people who are a bit more emotionally needy. For those with struggling with avoidant attachment, I want you to know it’s a great thing you trust yourself. And in my opinion society tends to both romanticize and demonize avoidant traits. And your attachment from a survival perspective makes sense. To those with disorganized attachment and something similar, know you are not defective. I believe you can achieve a secure attachment.
What I have learned about myself (primarily an insecure anxious style) is that yes since growing up I was not made to feel loved or loveable, I learned to try and be needed as a substitute. But that has led me to be drawn to people who I feel I can fix or help. Let's just say that has not worked out for me!
In my experience the neediness can be cute when it is not going hand in hand with a blatant disregard for my boundaries and taking my boundaries personally. Unfortunately often it does. ✌️
I try to have my own life outside of my romantic relationships because there's always the possibility that the relationship will end. Potentially badly. I thought I just wasn't one of those people that had relationships that end badly, but it happened. I want my own support network that I can fall back on in those times and I am glad I do.
I found your video on limerence a couple months ago and went head deep into the topic, learnt about ROCD and in the last three weeks attachment theory. Now I saw this video and I feel like screaming. I think I lost the love of my life because I equated prolonged limerent feelings and the times I'd feel butterflies with true love. Since I never felt that with her and sometimes felt too calm even "bored" ( a sign of trust and security in comparison to my past relationships with girls who've been inconsistent; one was later diagnosed with bipolar and the other with BPD). I even felt butterflies for someone else not wanting to because I wanted to feel those towards my, now, ex girlfriend. I was convinced I just didn't love her like she loved me and that I didn't deserve her because of that. I broke her heart. Now she's moved on and met somebody else and I'm so conflicted. I'm so happy for her because deep down I believe she deserves that love with the same intensity she gave but at the same time I'm horrified nobody will ever love me like she did. I have to work on all of this but if it weren't for your videos I wouldn't have found ground to start dealing with this and now I've actually gained knowledge to be able to face it head on and hopefully move forward. I'm grateful
You hit a home run with this one. IMHO One of your best produced shorts and possibly the best short video content this doomscrolling, avoidant disorganized soul has seen today. A good summary and also new to me information with the categorization of anxious/avoidant based on perception of self vs others. I have read attached as well as polysecure and of course been exposed to a constant stream of attachment related content on social media. You nailed this.
I still think it's healthy for couples to have a hobby or thing that they do for themselves and on their own. For me, the space away from my partner refreshes me and makes me more excited to see them. I also want an identity outside of my interactions with my partner. I don't think it has to be that way, but it's important for me.
Dr K has said that we have become dependent on independence. We are terrified of getting attached, getting hurt, we feel weak. I believe realising that attachment and dependency is being a healthy human is the crucial step to a happy relationship.
I completely agree that sociological dependencies are completely natural and productive for any kind of social dynamic. Though I also believe one should have their own identity being hobbies and interests that may not directly be related to their existing partner. To me, that makes a partnership stronger because our own individual experiences can many ways compliment growth in the relationship as a whole.
I had read the book before watching this video and you did a great job summarizing it. What you said about holding the hand about someone you care about is so relevant.
Myth 1 is so important to realize. I’m FA leaning dismissive and with the connections I’ve cared about, I’d find myself wondering if I was *too* attached. I feared that I was not only going to be a burden to the other person, but that I was also making myself weak and brittle over time by depending on them, therefore failing myself as well.
I think another that you may have mentioned is that people are stuck with their attachment style permanently. I want to say I've heard that people can be affected both towards and away from securely attaching by way of the relationship they're in. And another is that ppl think they're always able to read where others are when, often, it is a relative position. I.e. a securely attached person can seem avoidant from the pov of an anxiously attached person, and so on.
We are all dependent. You're clarity of life is going to help so many people especially women. You're awesome. Keep going and change the world person by person.
What you said about butterflies really hit me. I experienced intense butterflies for the first week of hanging out with my soon-to-be girlfriend (now ex), to the extent that I could barely eat for an entire week. I thought it was love and infatuation. I felt genuinely sick, perhaps "love sick" is how I put it back then. I definitely loved receiving the attention from the person, but I am thinking now that those butterflies were a warning anxiety response! That girlfriend coerced me into some shady things that I wasn't ready for. My adolescent brain (which is wired to seek excitement and reward) went through with dating this person anyways, even though I knew deep down that it was hurting me. Wow. Thanks for posting, love your videos!
I’ve heard this book criticized for demonizing avoidants and based on this video I have to agree. I don’t see it offering much to someone trying to overcome a fear of intimacy other than you are damaged and should be avoided. And this extolling of anxious attachment as ideal leaves me feeling totally unworthy of a relationship since I get grossed out by clinginess.
I agree. Clinginess is ick. I can understand wanting to do something with someone, but I can't understand NOT doing something UNLESS someone does it with you. And it seems as though, based upon many comments, the anxiously attached person blames the person who didn't do it with them for their own decision.
This is the most refreshing and most eye opening video i have seen in a long time, i finally now have a grasp on my attachment style, and i am so sad now, because of the way i tought i should behave in a relationship, when i wanted the oposite.
Codependence is not the same as dependence. It is where you subvert your needs for another's, with the never-stated contract that they will one day reciprocate and meet your needs. It's covert-dependence.
Thank you so much for making a video about this. i recently had to cut ties with someone i really REALLY liked. i wanted to be so attached to him and shower him with care, love, and compassion, but i didn't want to get hurt, so i started picking things i didn't like about him. they were never that serious but it bothered me to the point that i began to arguments with him by giving him the silent treatment and judging his every move. yet, I remember every detail about him and wanted to know more about him. gave him my time of day, made things for him, and gifted him gifts. he was patient with me and was very compassionate, but I knew I had a lot of healing to do. this has never happened to me, and this whole disorganized feeling of both attachment and avoidant took me into an anxious spiral. I was having severe anxiety attacks bc of it. I can't wait to see myself develop a secure attachment style and hopefully be able to love someone without being so scared. what is love without risks?
Love your comment about dependency: Do you know how many online 'recovery' forums all effing refer to any former of dependent behaviour as 'codependancy' (definitionally does not exist in the DSM) as opposed to...wanting someone to rely on. There's a difference between enabling your druggie sons behaviour and needing human connection and reliability.
This is some high quality content. I really love your use of the charts. They helped me understand what you were trying to explain in a visual way. Thank you!
I totally agree Ana, it's a good thing being attached to people you love. Those who won't show up for that are unhealthy at least for me! I show up for myself ❤... Thank You for your brave work... Telling the truth in this time of misinformation. 👍
thank you for the video sm, i’m very anxiously attached and it’s hard to know what to do sometimes. there’s a lot of people saying you should disconnect from your emotions but it doesn’t feel right. i always enjoy your videos but this one was especially helpful and i hope to see more of similar topics in the future 🙏
I feel like this goes so much deeper than what I'm seeing. I have been talking with my therapist about attachment style because of the diagnosis I've been given and she told me to start looking into attachment styles and how it relates to my mother. I don't understand it yet, it's fascinating, but sends my head into a tail spin because of how it gets worded lol.
3:41 i;m pretty sure you're talking about the wizard liz and on that video she was lying she said after that her bf started demanding her to pay for things because she was getting money from youtube and she just don't want that she likes men to "provide" for her "too comfortable" was just an excuse. I personally think it's healthier to have your own life your hobbies your interests social group and support outside of a relationship.
9:05 I think you perhaps inadvertently perpetuated another myth about attachment styles, friend: That they don't change. Through personal experience as well as studies I've read, I've learned it's absolutely possible for attachment styles to change. Mist notably, engagement with securely attached individuals can make insecurely attached folks more secure in their attachments over time.
I know it is. It can be so discouraging to know you're doing yourself more harm than good when you're pushing someone away but you can't help but doing so. But I swear, with tons of effort it gets a lot better. I used to be highly avoidant and now I'm in a beautiful, healthy relationship and don't need to push people away anymore. It takes work, but it completely changes your life.
@@waytofreedomyou’re not always doing yourself more harm than good that’s a very narrow and condescending view of avoidance. I avoided having children to be 100% sure I never treat a child even accidentally, the way my sucking void of a Mother treated me on purpose. It has not done me harm and it also hasn’t harmed any children. I’ve maintained close friendships and all my school age friendships for 40+ years Been married, still best friends with my ex spouse and have a successful career in adult protective services. Most avoidants are not personality disordered, and many have CPTSD or complex grief issues and simply feel safer alone. Some of us don’t need to be “fixed” thank you very much we enjoy a lower level of closeness and the option of being left alone instead of smothered sometimes. We’re not just sat in a cave like Gollum thinking up ways to push away someone anxious in order to harm ourselves WTF 😂
It also disregards that people pleasers are also avoidant. They're always putting on a face for others, not showing their true selfs. Because they don't share themselves, they don't rely on others, but can cohabitate for a time. They also have a great excuse for not relying on others, saying they just don't want to be a burden or they're easy. Fun, no one ever complains about the people pleasers. I guess it's because they can be used. And then it feeds into the people pleaser's understanding that people only care what they can get from the people pleaser, not the people pleaser themselves.
absolutely! coming from someone who is more on the anxious side of things attachment-wise and who has gotten entangled with avoidant types, I've been practicing having more empathy and grace for their behavior, because we've all taken our wounds, and we all want the same love and affection that wasn't properly given to us in the past. Holding resentment serves no one!
I would love a deep dive on the different attachment styles: where they come from, how to manage the one you have, how to support the one your partner has, how to balance styles that have conflicting needs, etc.
Myth 5 is totally me. I am someone who had many crushes and I always felt that I don't really understand if the person likes me or how the situationship actually is
I highly recommend the book Attachment Disturbances in Adults: Treatment for Comprehensive Repair, by Daniel P. Brown and David S. Elliott. It's an incredibly comprehensive and quite readable guide to attachment patterns and ways of working with them. Unfortunately, a lot of the literature and advice on attachment is either in that game-playing vein of how to fit two insecure partners together by kind of asking less of the relationship, or it just totally oversimplifies.
My therapist told me I am fearful attachment because I avoid and push people away because ive been treated as a burden before. I seek the connection and rely on my connections to ground my anxiety but its too much for another person.
I always come up secure in tests about attachment style but have had very unhealthy relationships. I relate more to the attachment distress responses (mostly fawn) so I guess my myth is that just because you're secure, you'd experience healthy relationships.
thank you for talking about feeling butterflies and misinterpreting it as a sign of love, when I went exclusive with my partner I was very comfortable with them (which was a huge deal because I almost never feel comfortable with anyone) and I thought that it meant I didn't like them until my therapist pointed out to me that most likely I won't enjoy that feeling anyways, she correctly identified it as anxiety and I am glad she did.
You can be that for 7 years and spend all your time together and then one day that somebody wakes up and says it's too much and they don't want to be with you anymore. Then you're all alone. And starting from 0. 90 year scenario is beautiful, but it could or could not happen. So I do think you need to have a separation of friends and interests. Because you never know ehat life throws at you. And it's not pesimissitic. Just happened to me last year and I was shattered because I put all my fruits into this one person's basket.
In my first relationship I was really really anxiously attached, probably fueled by me having anxiety and ADHD without me knowing it. My girlfriend was really disorganized attached. We were an absolute mess together. After that relationship ended I decided to learn a lot about myself, attachment theory and ADHD. After a couple months I found someone new. Even though she has had a wild past (and still is a bit wild for my preference) and we will be seperated for a couple months soon, I feel relaxed and in control of my emotions. I have been 100% honest about my needs from the beginning, which is something I use as a stabilizing factor for my anxiety. Because if I am not authentic, then my partner can't decide if they like the real me. I feel secure with her and I love it!
Thank you,, Myth 1 is something i think about. Its starting to feel abusive to say everyones a co-dependent because we need help and reach out for it.. its very painful to be met with that..
Thank you for this vid Ana! I've been thinking about my attachment style and how to wield it for a little while now so having you put these misconceptions and ideas into words seriously helps 💕
Hearing your takes on myths 1 and 2 actually really helped me. I had a bad breakup almost a decade ago, and while I’ve managed to sort a lot of the grief and pain (that I spent years delaying my processing of lol), it still made me feel like being dependent on people and having anxious attachment were both bad and needed to be fixed before I could actually be able to get into a relationship (mentality was probably not helped by most of my attempts at relationships and dating afterwards going somewhat poorly). But hearing your takes on the first two myths helped make me feel a bit better about myself, because I thought something was wrong with me.
I can see the value of separate times. It can be helpful because people can be in touch with themselves. It’s healthy to have some separate as the best relationships are INTERdepentend. So there’s some separateness.
An annoyance I feel is that people are so wedded to their attachment identity these days. Guys. Self knowledge is for self improvement - something we keep forgetting, about a lot of our “identities”. Your attachment style isn’t a badge, it’s probably something to work on.
Great video! Its not really a myth but I've recently ran into attachment theory being used as a weapon in a couple different places on the internet. The idea being that insecurely attached people shouldn't burden securely attached people by trying to establish relationships with them but instead focus on working on themselves alone or in therapy.
I think the whole having sperate friends is cautioning against forgetting to nurture your friendships when getting into a relationship, that can can be important in the earlier stages of a relationship. But l would think if your friends do not like your partners friends or vice versa, you either have bad friends or a bad partner. Bad as in not compatible with you.
i really enjoyed this video and tbh i couldn't thank you enough for literally every single video you post. they all help me so much and are so informative, straight to the point, interesting and i can feel your passion about those topics through my screen. you've become my favourite youtuber at this point!! 💖 i hope you have the most beautiful rest of the week
Thank you for the great and informative content, you’re always very clear and I love how you can tell the academic backing behind what you do. I’ve watched your videos for a while and jut want to highlight how good you are at explaining the concepts, you make all the academical research easy to digest without losing its meaningfulness. Its been wonderful seeing you get more comfortable talking to us about all this too. Please keep doing this, you’re great at it!
Thank you so much for reminding us that it's okay to rely on other people. Ngl I teared up a bit. As an anxious person, I feel like people assume that I'm too intense in my relationships (which can be true) and tell me to be more independent.
I'm disabled so I depend on my partner a lot for things most other people wouldn't. I have tried to explain at some points that no, it isn't unhelathy, that I have in fact spent a lot of time in therapy learning to ask for help and be okay with getting it. Now that I have accepted that it's somehow wrong?
Yesss Ana, your words today are the ones everyone needs to hear, to heal the collective broken heart in modern dating and relationships, this is part of human nature ✌️😌
Ana I literally bought this book from Barnes and Noble on 03/28 but haven’t read it yet! Currently reading “Protect Your Peace” by Trent Shelton. I’m on a self love/self awareness and healing journey. I’m also a psychology student. Thanks for covering this. Great video!
Good and informative video, thank you. Personally, youtube videos about relationships do a good job of sating my urge for one and keep me single. Good stuff.
I'm having a hard time agreeing with the codependency point made in the video. Depending on someone else for many of your needs instead of working on being able to meet them yourself is just setting yourself up for failure if the relationship ever ends. There is nothing wrong with depending on others for meeting needs, but you being able to meet your own needs is just a normal part of being an adult that everyone should learn.
Yep totally agree. I think she didnt make herself clear in that point, because at the end of the day we are social creatures and we need to experience other relationships (friendships, family, coworkers, etc) to be able to grow as a person sharing different points of view with different people, etc. We cant close ourselves and let a single person to be the majority of our world. Before that person arrived to our lives, we had friends, family, casual talks with other people as a natural part of being humans, so we cant just take away those when a partner arrives to our lives cause if we do that, what will happen when that partner leaves? We would end up alone, socially speaking.
According to the book secure love, the needs in order to feel close to someone is attachment needs, which we all have. Whereas depending on someone to function and provide everything for you is codependent
We were made to be reliant on different people not just one magical romantic partner. Thats the difference in the modern era. We have lost the real community and family. As it has shrunk considerably in the last 100 years.
Yo I was listening to attached for like the third time when I saw this video pop up in my feed. This video is getting an instant like just for being on the same vibe.
I have anxious avoidant. I want healthy connections more than anything, but Im weird and don't fit, so then Im avoident because I dont want to hurt people. I was abandoned by 4 parental figures.
I personally feel a massive part of the misunderstanding literally just comes from the name. It's very poorly named for non-clinical people, as it's structure appears to imply people having dependency on one another IS codependency.
I have no idea what I am, but I know I display both avoidant and anxious attachment…though interestingly, I am more avoidant after I spent years being single. It was really refreshing to hear you say that spending all your time with your partner is fine! Personally, I prefer having some separation and individuality, but I think that is pushed way too much. There is nothing wrong with depending on others, and wanting to be very close to someone. ❤
Mmm my therapist when telling me about codependency explained it more as neither party actually being in love anymore but going through the motions because you have become so dependent on each other you don’t know anything else. Even if you are miserable & fight all the time, lack of emotional or physical intimacy but being afraid of being alone or getting your sick needs of “saving” someone and the other party’s sick need of “being saved” less so than have an equal loving healthy relationship. The dependence being negative bc it’s to fill an emptiness even when you know the relationship is harmful / toxic to you and the other person.
psychology postdoc here! i believe one of the most harmful myths about attachment styles is that they are static (i.e., if you are anxiously attached to one person you will be anxiously attached for the rest of your life). people attach to different people in different ways across different time points (even though some might have specific attachment tendencies in specific contexts, say secure attachments to close friends but anxious to romantic partners). attachment styles can (if i remember it right) also shift naturally (say, you become more secure in your romantic relationships, or you become more anxious etc)
Completely agree on the myth 5 where butterflies are a sign of love. When I met someone I'm attracted to, they gave me that sign, however, I realized I have anxiety and low self esteem through my own close body language. I went to slumped shoulder, trying to minimize my chest exposure, one arm hugging my side arm. At that point I knew my issues, and the myth 5 is so wrong.
Dependency is not unhealthy when it's not unhealthy, but this doesn't mean that it's always healthy. Depending on your partner for everything can be unhealthy, and enjoying time on your own or with your friends is as healthy as enjoying time with your partner. You are assuming that the dependency one experiences is always just enjoying time together, but this is not always the case. Could this be a case of people misusing the word dependency when referring to codependency (which is not just used when talking about partners with drug problems, even if that's where the term was coined)? Maybe, but it does not invalidate the situations these people go through. People depend on each other for everything, and that is good and perfectly healthy, but this includes a multitude of people, not just one and not defining for your self image.
it's the anxiously disorganized venn-diagram for me 😅 but i do think i have flickers of security in me that counterbalance the insecurities. do sometimes struggle with the mental dramatization of "i'm the problem, it's me" of blowing quirks or even my own sense of humor out of proportion as something detrimental or destructive while giving others leeway for the same behaviors, if they are harmless, inconsequential and/or non-serious 🧐 i'd argue that with experiencing that usually there was a relational trigger in a social exchange that went undetected by me but keeps having emotional impact. but it feels like that newton pendulum swing for me sometimes of swinging away from or swinging toward after something had an impact! guess my work is in reducing the "fallout" of those impacts or being more discerning with who or what caused them.
I'm really curious about how sending babies (starting at say 6 weeks old) to daycare for 8-9 hours a day can effect attachment. Would love a deeper dive into this. Like how parents can maybe unintentionally cause attachment issues with their kids?? I could see how this could be really important to study since moms in the US get SO little postnatal support.
Oof, this is a really good question and somewhat upsetting to answer. I feel like I just recently heard about a study that said infants who are largely cared for by secondary caregivers tend to experience attachment difficulties, but I apologize for not being able to find the source. Attachment disruptions/ruptures are known to be harmful, but getting help from secondary attachment figures might be better if parents experience less stress/greater support. It might be worth me doing a deep dive into the research on this.
So many of us in my generation, in my culture, have attachment issues (I'm 40 and living in a post-Soviet country). Sometimes I wonder if it has something to do with the fact that it used to be the norm to take newborns away from their mothers right after birth and put them into a separate room at the hospital (no skin-to-skin contact). It was also common for mothers to go straight back to work, leaving babies at home with family members or even some random friend of a friend. There was no understanding of the mother-baby bond and it's importance at all.
@mariaokhapkina6971 Yes, I totally understand. I am also 40 and we didn't have the skin-to-skin thing either at birth. I have a lot of characteristics of someone with anxious attachedment, and I know it's not because my mom neglected me in the typical way we characterize neglect. But I did grow up with long hours in daycare since I was a newborn. And then was molested at age 3 at one of my daycare facilities (I had multiple over the years). So I can't help but see a correlation.
You’re right about many Americans glorifying the idea of having a separate life from their romantic partner . I heard that a lot from my parents growing up . I also feel like many people misconstrue loneliness and codependency.
Another really helpful and informative video as always. I'm not sure where I fit on the attachment chats... I don't think I'm completely secure, but I also don't think I'm super avoidant, anxious, or disorganized. I think I'm somewhere in the middle? Not sure what that's called. I can weirdly relate to all four attachment styles lol.
I dont agree in the part of wanting to spend all the time with your partner, i mean most of the time is perfectly fine, but all of the time, closes doors with your friends, family and other potential social activities and hobbies that could be beneficial for both of the members, there has to be a balance on things, it's simple. Wanting to be all the time with your partner sounds like codependency because it means you cant be ok without him/her. There is a difference in being auto sufficient but rely on your partner to be supportive when needed and in the other hand struggle in any situation to be ok without the company of your partner.
The point is not that you should, the point is that it's fine to want and enjoy that, because some people just have that preference Obviously both people should still be whole persons, but there's this idea that you HAVE to keep space and that's not always true either
Hey Ana I've been watching your videos for a few years now and they've helped me out so much. You explain things so well and challenge me to think differently. I was wondering if there's anything from a previous video you've updated your opinion about or even found out you were wrong about? Maybe a topic for a future video? I find it's great to update our beliefs with new information and even someone who is well researched can make a mistake or change their mind. I think it would be great to see from your perspective!
I don't agree with thinking people that are avoidant are scared to lose the relationship. It's such a simplistic answer to many individuals, it can't be serious.
how did you like the book? I read many people criticising it for romanticising harmful traits of the anxious attachment style while demonising the avoidant attachment
aaah yeah. i always told my friend who wanted me to make the weird tests that they wont give the correct outcome since im not attached to my parents who are always considered. like i have secure attachments with other people and stuff XD and i love these attachments. playing hard to get is not about attachment, its about the other persons ego. if they get someone easily they will go "im not special, i was just first. if someone else had asked them out they would have picked them because they instantly pick" and yes its childish but telling people that it is, wont keep them from thinking that.
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I am reading this book now! Thats so funny lol
And yet it is still another video where the focus is on anxious people and help for them… oh here comes the bad avoidant taking the lead and hurting them WTF
There are myriad other presentations of avoidant that have nothing to do with dating anxiously attached types and being everyone’s “problem ‘ in a relationship - that never get covered… again.
I am really glad to have find your channel. Thanks for the content
My therapist used to say "Who made you think it was bad to have needs?" because I was trying so hard to get rid of my needy/clingy-ness. She found ways to teach me how to love myself and be secure while also knowing that it's ok to advocate for myself and what I need
she is right!!! It's part of being a human in the fullest! don't let anyone shame you for being a human with natural human needs and wants!
Was there someone or texts that tried to convince you that you were needy? For me i have always firmly believed that my needs are okay - whether self-love or not. Today i see, neediness is used often in a very inflationary way to shame people.
@@originalmix2546aMEN!!!
Wow it makes sense, how did it help you to learn self-soothing and internal validation?
thanks for the idea of what to talk to my therapist about!!
Finally someone who acknowledges that wanting to spend a lot of time with your partner is okay
Right? My mom is quite avoidant and disinterested in frequent or close relationships with people in general. I am very clingy, need affection, crave a stable, long-term, intense relationships and my mom always criticizes it for being needy and suffocating... And then the individualistic society... It actually made me feel very seen when she said it's a normal and valid need...
Tbf, I don’t think most people think it’s not okay. What I generally see is that a lot of “needy” people kind of _impose_ that need on others instead of finding someone with whom they’re actually compatible. And tell the person who doesn’t want that kind of closeness that they’re bad or wrong for not wanting it.
It can happen the other way around, too, but it’s usually the more “needy” person who pushes to keep the relationship going regardless of incompatibility, calls the other person out for even thinking about ending it, but then keeps trying to change them into the person they would _actually_ want to have a relationship with. I think that’s what most people think is unhealthy and wrong on an absolute/moral level.
In terms of just wanting a lot of contact, plenty of people aren’t into it and shouldn’t have to pretend they are, but that’s not the same as saying it’s objectively wrong. Sure, especially if you tend to be attracted to emotionally unavailable people and you constantly get that “criticism”, it may feel like it, but it’s just people expressing a preference or enforcing a boundary that needs to be at least compromised on if you want to keep the relationship going. Or, perhaps, a dealbreaker, where if you can’t meet them where they’re at, it’s a no-go, and then it’s up to you to choose whether it’s something you can and want to do.
That's not what she said in the video. Hardly anyone is arguing that you shouldn't want to spend plenty of time with your partner...the argument is you shouldn't feel the need to spend ALL of your time with your partner and entangle every aspect of your life into theirs. But that is specifically what she's claiming is ok in this video (and this mentality literally aligns with the patriarchal status quo that leaves many people vulnerable to intimate partner violence).
@@tp2005 personally I have had people act like you are too clingy if you want at least a text from your partner everyday so yes a lot of people do argue that
It did sound like she was giving a green flag to basing your entire life around another person, and that sounds like codependency to me...? I can see it working for an extended period of time, but I'm not sure that level of codependency is permanently sustainable.
loved this! another thing i can’t stand is the anxious = good people, avoidant = bad people logic that’s often perpetuated (mostly by people with an anxious attachment style)
As a fearful attachment I did some very bad out of being like that both can be good or bad people
i also feel like the typical presentation is that one of the two is painted as vile and unreasonable. Usually in topics about attachment theory it tends to be as you say. It leads, for me at least, to feeling very frustrated and even triggered by the discussions around it. Ultimately i dont want to judge people for who they are. If someone requires clear and deep connections and spend lots of time with their partner, that's cool with me. But that's not universal, and neither is a demand for clean-cut full independence.
@@schokoladenjunge1 i totally agree
yeah it's super frustrating
That's wild! I didn't realise people were pitting anxious and avoidant against each other like that. Makes no sense for people who've actually read the book.
This has given me a lot to think about. I've dated someone who was completely dependent on me for everything. Didn’t have any other support system. It was super draining and i found myself wishing they had a life outside of me. At the same time they never wanted to participate in activities with my friends. I found myself craving that time away from them.
So i agree that depending on other people now and then is inevitable and desirable, but i think it's also important to be a whole person, not to expect someone else to "complete" you. Support each other but also be able to support yourself when need be.
Wish I could like this 10 times.
Yup. It always frightens me how much my social life either depends on someone else’s friends, or that our social lives are fully separate besides each other. I’ve only had a somewhat healthy relationship with someone who I met through a friend group and even then I was too anxious and he was too avoidant. It just… imploded because we were trying to forge a relationship that looked like what our mothers expected instead of what we actually wanted.
“When anxious people let avoidant people take the lead in relationships it’s basically shooting themselves in the foot” I didn’t even realize I needed to hear that.
Agreed but my caution is with a dark perosnitlu type like an NPD we can’t see them coming and years later wake up married to someone we didn’t know. Not sure it’s safe to tell people certain things in the beginning
Something I’ve noticed too is that attachment styles can change with partners. There has been relationships where I have been the anxious person, then avoidant in another. In the most healthiest relationship I have, I am so secure.
What could be the reasons for this?
@@DenseEpiphanypeople’s love languages can alter others attachment styles
If you are an anxious mess in one relationship and secure in another, that’s because one is a healthy partner and the other one isn’t. This is why attachment style theory is so fickle. Is it actually anxious attachment, or do you just have an abusive partner?
So my ex partner actually didn't love me because he was avoidant with me. He said he isn't always like that. So I'm a bad partner.. it works so good and then he drops me, it's been like this for four times. So with someone else he can be healthy and give more but not with me, that's great to hear
@@skromnyasha Your partner more than likely would not be avoidant because you're a bad partner? Their avoidance is what MAKES them the bad partner 90% of the time and makes other people worn out/anxious. That person is using you and sounds like a narcissistic jerk. I wouldn't even label him as avoidant
Another gem, thank you. Having BPD and a fearful/disorganized attachment I don't know what makes me more uncomfortable- dating a more anxious man or more avoidant. Either the fear of losing my autonomy comes up, or my anxiety and abandonment fears kick in. I make it a point to observe other people's attachments and hold space for them to communicate their needs. I sit in discomfort at times but get through it.
Thank you for sharing your experience. Your strength is uplifting 💪
I've never liked the rhetoric (especially online) that wanting a relationship is a sign that you're weak and not independent enough, so you should first work on yourself more before trying to find a partner. It's against our nature and also you'll never be perfect, so if you wait for that you'll never be "good enough" to look for a relationship.
So true, especially when we know that being in a secure relationship is the fastest route to self-love and more secure attachment. Trying to get there without any help is much harder
@@AnaPsychology YESS relationships can be healing and help both people heal when you find the right one, because you receive what you've always needed and seek.
Thank you God!! Someone has said it!! ❤
@@hazel.p5or they can be heartless cruel and finish us off. Years of hell and I’m really tired
True. I am one of these "I have to be good enough to have any value in relatonship. If not, they will 100% leave me cause I won't give enough from myself, I won't be good enough". And that leads me to perfectionism, lack of self love and keeping a distance from people I might like or who may like me in a romantic way. I want to fix myself before I start relationship but there are things I cant fix without the other person
I agree on all these points except the first one. I think it's natural to want, even need space. I think there's something to be said about a degree of freedom and independence. What's more, if you experience something separately, I think it's grand to think, "Wow, my SO would love this place/event/person/food! I'll share this with them." Having an outside source of novelty, experiencing it, then bringing it into the shared life, I think can be productive. I might also point out that, should an anxious person feel secure in a relationship, they may feel more bold and adventurous because they know, at the end of the day, they have a safe harbor to return to.
But I'm a layman, so I could be wrong. I've identified myself as Fearful-Avoidant and have a lot to work on. :)
To be clear, I don't think there's anything wrong with needing space! If that's the impression I gave in point #1, I must not have done a very good job of expressing myself. What I was hoping to convey is that there's nothing wrong with wanting to spend most of your time with your partner, either. There will of course be occasions to go out and do your thing independently, and that's perfectly great too. I completely agree with you that people sometimes use time spent apart as a way to get even closer to their partner, because they have so much more to share that they did on their own.
@@AnaPsychologyIndeed Ana, that first point as you expressed it, made it prone to be completely misunderstood. You are engaged in a secure relationship, and share a home with your husband so you see things in a specific manner in your present, but the way you expressed it could be taken wrong for other people that are on the insecure attachment side of things, that need to work on their self-esteem. Falling for them in an insecure relationship will make them prone to codependency
@@AnaPsychology I feel it just depends on the needs of the individuals in the relationship.
Wanting to spend all your time together, or wanting more balance of independence and dependence are just two different types of people.
The key is just finding a match in that regard so both parters are happy with the balance of the time together versus apart.
@@AnaPsychologyyou absolutely could've communicated that better in the video
Wow. Being dependent on someone doesn’t mean codependency. When you told the 90 year old widow scenario, that idea really clicked for me
Codependency was used for drug abuse and it’s a bad word and I don’t read books on it !!!
THIS
Yes, it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved.
She won't even care at 90. You are a completely different person by that age from your youth.
It's a common misconception that individuals with a secure attachment style are immune to changes in their attachment patterns or are always drawn to secure partners. While they tend to be better at recognizing and seeking out healthy relationships, they can still end up with someone who is not secure, potentially leading to shifts in their own attachment style over time.
very interesting. It can also explain why one might start feeling a wide array of negative feelings they are not used to when in relations to certain people specifically
Exactly. Painting securely attached as these blissful , immune beings is false. There isn’t enough conversation about secure - insecure pairings. I think I’m fairly secure and I am not well equipped to deal with avoidants. I prefer anxious partner because I’ve noticed that with time they become much calmer with me. Avoidants seem to be stuck in this tendency to distance and it’s difficult to pass through that. I think most people want more closeness with time and for an avoidant it’s a terrifying prospect.
This is absolutely right. Also, everyone knows about anxious attachers as they are portrayed everywhere in art and pop culture. As a species we lean towards connection, so nothing new there. Meeting an avoidant for the first time though, even if you are secure, can make you seriously doubt yourself, especially if you’ve never heard of attachment theory.
For anyone struggling with an anxious attachment, I just want you to know that neediness can be super cute and attractive to the right person. Of course you should always strive towards being secure in yourself but lots of people love feeling needed. For example, I am attracted to people who are a bit more emotionally needy.
For those with struggling with avoidant attachment, I want you to know it’s a great thing you trust yourself. And in my opinion society tends to both romanticize and demonize avoidant traits. And your attachment from a survival perspective makes sense.
To those with disorganized attachment and something similar, know you are not defective. I believe you can achieve a secure attachment.
What I have learned about myself (primarily an insecure anxious style) is that yes since growing up I was not made to feel loved or loveable, I learned to try and be needed as a substitute. But that has led me to be drawn to people who I feel I can fix or help. Let's just say that has not worked out for me!
In my experience the neediness can be cute when it is not going hand in hand with a blatant disregard for my boundaries and taking my boundaries personally. Unfortunately often it does.
✌️
I try to have my own life outside of my romantic relationships because there's always the possibility that the relationship will end. Potentially badly. I thought I just wasn't one of those people that had relationships that end badly, but it happened. I want my own support network that I can fall back on in those times and I am glad I do.
I have disorganized attachment and I would love to find someone despite all this. It is good to see you!
I found your video on limerence a couple months ago and went head deep into the topic, learnt about ROCD and in the last three weeks attachment theory. Now I saw this video and I feel like screaming.
I think I lost the love of my life because I equated prolonged limerent feelings and the times I'd feel butterflies with true love.
Since I never felt that with her and sometimes felt too calm even "bored" ( a sign of trust and security in comparison to my past relationships with girls who've been inconsistent; one was later diagnosed with bipolar and the other with BPD).
I even felt butterflies for someone else not wanting to because I wanted to feel those towards my, now, ex girlfriend. I was convinced I just didn't love her like she loved me and that I didn't deserve her because of that.
I broke her heart. Now she's moved on and met somebody else and I'm so conflicted. I'm so happy for her because deep down I believe she deserves that love with the same intensity she gave but at the same time I'm horrified nobody will ever love me like she did.
I have to work on all of this but if it weren't for your videos I wouldn't have found ground to start dealing with this and now I've actually gained knowledge to be able to face it head on and hopefully move forward.
I'm grateful
love is so hard. Just got dumped like a sack of potatoes 2 days ago. We’ll find someone im sure of it !!
You hit a home run with this one. IMHO One of your best produced shorts and possibly the best short video content this doomscrolling, avoidant disorganized soul has seen today. A good summary and also new to me information with the categorization of anxious/avoidant based on perception of self vs others. I have read attached as well as polysecure and of course been exposed to a constant stream of attachment related content on social media. You nailed this.
I still think it's healthy for couples to have a hobby or thing that they do for themselves and on their own. For me, the space away from my partner refreshes me and makes me more excited to see them. I also want an identity outside of my interactions with my partner. I don't think it has to be that way, but it's important for me.
Absolutely!
I think this fear of codependency has reached distructive levels
It is okay to sin a little bit 😊
Dr K has said that we have become dependent on independence.
We are terrified of getting attached, getting hurt, we feel weak. I believe realising that attachment and dependency is being a healthy human is the crucial step to a happy relationship.
I completely agree that sociological dependencies are completely natural and productive for any kind of social dynamic.
Though I also believe one should have their own identity being hobbies and interests that may not directly be related to their existing partner. To me, that makes a partnership stronger because our own individual experiences can many ways compliment growth in the relationship as a whole.
I had read the book before watching this video and you did a great job summarizing it. What you said about holding the hand about someone you care about is so relevant.
Myth 1 is so important to realize. I’m FA leaning dismissive and with the connections I’ve cared about, I’d find myself wondering if I was *too* attached. I feared that I was not only going to be a burden to the other person, but that I was also making myself weak and brittle over time by depending on them, therefore failing myself as well.
I think another that you may have mentioned is that people are stuck with their attachment style permanently. I want to say I've heard that people can be affected both towards and away from securely attaching by way of the relationship they're in.
And another is that ppl think they're always able to read where others are when, often, it is a relative position. I.e. a securely attached person can seem avoidant from the pov of an anxiously attached person, and so on.
We are all dependent. You're clarity of life is going to help so many people especially women. You're awesome. Keep going and change the world person by person.
What you said about butterflies really hit me. I experienced intense butterflies for the first week of hanging out with my soon-to-be girlfriend (now ex), to the extent that I could barely eat for an entire week. I thought it was love and infatuation. I felt genuinely sick, perhaps "love sick" is how I put it back then. I definitely loved receiving the attention from the person, but I am thinking now that those butterflies were a warning anxiety response! That girlfriend coerced me into some shady things that I wasn't ready for. My adolescent brain (which is wired to seek excitement and reward) went through with dating this person anyways, even though I knew deep down that it was hurting me. Wow. Thanks for posting, love your videos!
There is codependency and inter-dependency. The latter is healthier. Thank you for the clear explanations 💕
I’ve heard this book criticized for demonizing avoidants and based on this video I have to agree. I don’t see it offering much to someone trying to overcome a fear of intimacy other than you are damaged and should be avoided. And this extolling of anxious attachment as ideal leaves me feeling totally unworthy of a relationship since I get grossed out by clinginess.
I agree. Clinginess is ick.
I can understand wanting to do something with someone, but I can't understand NOT doing something UNLESS someone does it with you.
And it seems as though, based upon many comments, the anxiously attached person blames the person who didn't do it with them for their own decision.
The fact you term is 'clinginess' is The root of the problem, right there.
@@robertdeskoski9783 if word choice was my root issue, it would be an easy problem to solve.
This is the most refreshing and most eye opening video i have seen in a long time, i finally now have a grasp on my attachment style, and i am so sad now, because of the way i tought i should behave in a relationship, when i wanted the oposite.
Hi Ana! I'm a psychology student from Hungary, your content inspires me so much:) we just learned about this topic:)
Thank you so much! Good luck to you :)
Codependence is not the same as dependence. It is where you subvert your needs for another's, with the never-stated contract that they will one day reciprocate and meet your needs. It's covert-dependence.
Thank you so much for making a video about this. i recently had to cut ties with someone i really REALLY liked. i wanted to be so attached to him and shower him with care, love, and compassion, but i didn't want to get hurt, so i started picking things i didn't like about him. they were never that serious but it bothered me to the point that i began to arguments with him by giving him the silent treatment and judging his every move. yet, I remember every detail about him and wanted to know more about him. gave him my time of day, made things for him, and gifted him gifts. he was patient with me and was very compassionate, but I knew I had a lot of healing to do. this has never happened to me, and this whole disorganized feeling of both attachment and avoidant took me into an anxious spiral. I was having severe anxiety attacks bc of it. I can't wait to see myself develop a secure attachment style and hopefully be able to love someone without being so scared. what is love without risks?
The more I watch your videos, the more I love how knowledgeable and informative your are. Some of the best content out here, thanks.
Mad useful as per usual
Thank you!! Happy to hear it :)
Love your comment about dependency: Do you know how many online 'recovery' forums all effing refer to any former of dependent behaviour as 'codependancy' (definitionally does not exist in the DSM) as opposed to...wanting someone to rely on. There's a difference between enabling your druggie sons behaviour and needing human connection and reliability.
This is some high quality content. I really love your use of the charts. They helped me understand what you were trying to explain in a visual way. Thank you!
I totally agree Ana, it's a good thing being attached to people you love. Those who won't show up for that are unhealthy at least for me! I show up for myself ❤... Thank You for your brave work... Telling the truth in this time of misinformation. 👍
thank you for the video sm, i’m very anxiously attached and it’s hard to know what to do sometimes. there’s a lot of people saying you should disconnect from your emotions but it doesn’t feel right. i always enjoy your videos but this one was especially helpful and i hope to see more of similar topics in the future 🙏
I feel like this goes so much deeper than what I'm seeing. I have been talking with my therapist about attachment style because of the diagnosis I've been given and she told me to start looking into attachment styles and how it relates to my mother. I don't understand it yet, it's fascinating, but sends my head into a tail spin because of how it gets worded lol.
3:41 i;m pretty sure you're talking about the wizard liz and on that video she was lying she said after that her bf started demanding her to pay for things because she was getting money from youtube and she just don't want that she likes men to "provide" for her "too comfortable" was just an excuse. I personally think it's healthier to have your own life your hobbies your interests social group and support outside of a relationship.
9:05 I think you perhaps inadvertently perpetuated another myth about attachment styles, friend: That they don't change.
Through personal experience as well as studies I've read, I've learned it's absolutely possible for attachment styles to change. Mist notably, engagement with securely attached individuals can make insecurely attached folks more secure in their attachments over time.
7:06 Man, being avoidant and seeing comments in self-help videos about avoidant attachment is really discouraging.
I know it is. It can be so discouraging to know you're doing yourself more harm than good when you're pushing someone away but you can't help but doing so. But I swear, with tons of effort it gets a lot better. I used to be highly avoidant and now I'm in a beautiful, healthy relationship and don't need to push people away anymore. It takes work, but it completely changes your life.
@@waytofreedom Your not describing it in a way that seems appealing to avoidants.
@@waytofreedomyou’re not always doing yourself more harm than good that’s a very narrow and condescending view of avoidance.
I avoided having children to be 100% sure I never treat a child even accidentally, the way my sucking void of a Mother treated me on purpose.
It has not done me harm and it also hasn’t harmed any children.
I’ve maintained close friendships and all my school age friendships for 40+ years
Been married, still best friends with my ex spouse and have a successful career in adult protective services.
Most avoidants are not personality disordered, and many have CPTSD or complex grief issues and simply feel safer alone. Some of us don’t need to be “fixed” thank you very much we enjoy a lower level of closeness and the option of being left alone instead of smothered sometimes.
We’re not just sat in a cave like Gollum thinking up ways to push away someone anxious in order to harm ourselves WTF 😂
It also disregards that people pleasers are also avoidant. They're always putting on a face for others, not showing their true selfs. Because they don't share themselves, they don't rely on others, but can cohabitate for a time. They also have a great excuse for not relying on others, saying they just don't want to be a burden or they're easy.
Fun, no one ever complains about the people pleasers. I guess it's because they can be used. And then it feeds into the people pleaser's understanding that people only care what they can get from the people pleaser, not the people pleaser themselves.
absolutely! coming from someone who is more on the anxious side of things attachment-wise and who has gotten entangled with avoidant types, I've been practicing having more empathy and grace for their behavior, because we've all taken our wounds, and we all want the same love and affection that wasn't properly given to us in the past. Holding resentment serves no one!
Very good point that finding someone you can depend on and be there for is Good, not codependent
I would love a deep dive on the different attachment styles: where they come from, how to manage the one you have, how to support the one your partner has, how to balance styles that have conflicting needs, etc.
8:40 how are we defining “natural needs”? Essentially it seems like anything we desire could be a “natural need”.
Like... preferring Native brand deodorant to Dove?
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😂😂@@lyndsaybrown8471
@@lyndsaybrown8471 😂😂
You're probably the cutest psychologist on the planet 😭 thanks for such informative content!
Myth 5 is totally me. I am someone who had many crushes and I always felt that I don't really understand if the person likes me or how the situationship actually is
I highly recommend the book Attachment Disturbances in Adults: Treatment for Comprehensive Repair, by Daniel P. Brown and David S. Elliott. It's an incredibly comprehensive and quite readable guide to attachment patterns and ways of working with them. Unfortunately, a lot of the literature and advice on attachment is either in that game-playing vein of how to fit two insecure partners together by kind of asking less of the relationship, or it just totally oversimplifies.
I appreciate all the work you put into these vids, Anna!
I am putting work into being stable.
Thank you so much!
Still watching but YES MA’AM on myth 1 ! Holy crap is it relieving to hear someone address it. Great job! Thank you
My therapist told me I am fearful attachment because I avoid and push people away because ive been treated as a burden before. I seek the connection and rely on my connections to ground my anxiety but its too much for another person.
I always come up secure in tests about attachment style but have had very unhealthy relationships. I relate more to the attachment distress responses (mostly fawn) so I guess my myth is that just because you're secure, you'd experience healthy relationships.
Thanks!
Thank you so much!
thank you for talking about feeling butterflies and misinterpreting it as a sign of love, when I went exclusive with my partner I was very comfortable with them (which was a huge deal because I almost never feel comfortable with anyone) and I thought that it meant I didn't like them until my therapist pointed out to me that most likely I won't enjoy that feeling anyways, she correctly identified it as anxiety and I am glad she did.
You can be that for 7 years and spend all your time together and then one day that somebody wakes up and says it's too much and they don't want to be with you anymore. Then you're all alone. And starting from 0. 90 year scenario is beautiful, but it could or could not happen. So I do think you need to have a separation of friends and interests. Because you never know ehat life throws at you. And it's not pesimissitic. Just happened to me last year and I was shattered because I put all my fruits into this one person's basket.
so true!
In my first relationship I was really really anxiously attached, probably fueled by me having anxiety and ADHD without me knowing it. My girlfriend was really disorganized attached. We were an absolute mess together.
After that relationship ended I decided to learn a lot about myself, attachment theory and ADHD. After a couple months I found someone new. Even though she has had a wild past (and still is a bit wild for my preference) and we will be seperated for a couple months soon, I feel relaxed and in control of my emotions.
I have been 100% honest about my needs from the beginning, which is something I use as a stabilizing factor for my anxiety. Because if I am not authentic, then my partner can't decide if they like the real me. I feel secure with her and I love it!
Thank you,, Myth 1 is something i think about. Its starting to feel abusive to say everyones a co-dependent because we need help and reach out for it.. its very painful to be met with that..
Thank you for this vid Ana!
I've been thinking about my attachment style and how to wield it for a little while now so having you put these misconceptions and ideas into words seriously helps 💕
Hearing your takes on myths 1 and 2 actually really helped me. I had a bad breakup almost a decade ago, and while I’ve managed to sort a lot of the grief and pain (that I spent years delaying my processing of lol), it still made me feel like being dependent on people and having anxious attachment were both bad and needed to be fixed before I could actually be able to get into a relationship (mentality was probably not helped by most of my attempts at relationships and dating afterwards going somewhat poorly). But hearing your takes on the first two myths helped make me feel a bit better about myself, because I thought something was wrong with me.
I can see the value of separate times. It can be helpful because people can be in touch with themselves. It’s healthy to have some separate as the best relationships are INTERdepentend. So there’s some separateness.
This explanation is so much needed. Thank you for the validation and myth busting!
An annoyance I feel is that people are so wedded to their attachment identity these days. Guys. Self knowledge is for self improvement - something we keep forgetting, about a lot of our “identities”. Your attachment style isn’t a badge, it’s probably something to work on.
Great video! Its not really a myth but I've recently ran into attachment theory being used as a weapon in a couple different places on the internet. The idea being that insecurely attached people shouldn't burden securely attached people by trying to establish relationships with them but instead focus on working on themselves alone or in therapy.
I think the whole having sperate friends is cautioning against forgetting to nurture your friendships when getting into a relationship, that can can be important in the earlier stages of a relationship. But l would think if your friends do not like your partners friends or vice versa, you either have bad friends or a bad partner. Bad as in not compatible with you.
i really enjoyed this video and tbh i couldn't thank you enough for literally every single video you post. they all help me so much and are so informative, straight to the point, interesting and i can feel your passion about those topics through my screen.
you've become my favourite youtuber at this point!! 💖 i hope you have the most beautiful rest of the week
Thank you for the great and informative content, you’re always very clear and I love how you can tell the academic backing behind what you do. I’ve watched your videos for a while and jut want to highlight how good you are at explaining the concepts, you make all the academical research easy to digest without losing its meaningfulness. Its been wonderful seeing you get more comfortable talking to us about all this too. Please keep doing this, you’re great at it!
She's only speaking facts. 4:36 "Why?" 😂 Me, deadass
LOL THAT'S WHAT I SAID, THANK YOU!! Same!!!
I screamed!!! 😁🔥💗💗💗 Yess💗🔥
Thank you so much for reminding us that it's okay to rely on other people. Ngl I teared up a bit. As an anxious person, I feel like people assume that I'm too intense in my relationships (which can be true) and tell me to be more independent.
I'm disabled so I depend on my partner a lot for things most other people wouldn't. I have tried to explain at some points that no, it isn't unhelathy, that I have in fact spent a lot of time in therapy learning to ask for help and be okay with getting it. Now that I have accepted that it's somehow wrong?
Yesss Ana, your words today are the ones everyone needs to hear, to heal the collective broken heart in modern dating and relationships, this is part of human nature ✌️😌
Ana I literally bought this book from Barnes and Noble on 03/28 but haven’t read it yet! Currently reading “Protect Your Peace” by Trent Shelton. I’m on a self love/self awareness and healing journey. I’m also a psychology student. Thanks for covering this. Great video!
Good and informative video, thank you.
Personally, youtube videos about relationships do a good job of sating my urge for one and keep me single. Good stuff.
I'm having a hard time agreeing with the codependency point made in the video. Depending on someone else for many of your needs instead of working on being able to meet them yourself is just setting yourself up for failure if the relationship ever ends. There is nothing wrong with depending on others for meeting needs, but you being able to meet your own needs is just a normal part of being an adult that everyone should learn.
Yep totally agree. I think she didnt make herself clear in that point, because at the end of the day we are social creatures and we need to experience other relationships (friendships, family, coworkers, etc) to be able to grow as a person sharing different points of view with different people, etc. We cant close ourselves and let a single person to be the majority of our world. Before that person arrived to our lives, we had friends, family, casual talks with other people as a natural part of being humans, so we cant just take away those when a partner arrives to our lives cause if we do that, what will happen when that partner leaves? We would end up alone, socially speaking.
According to the book secure love, the needs in order to feel close to someone is attachment needs, which we all have. Whereas depending on someone to function and provide everything for you is codependent
We were made to be reliant on different people not just one magical romantic partner. Thats the difference in the modern era. We have lost the real community and family. As it has shrunk considerably in the last 100 years.
I didn't hear any about disorganized attachment, woulda enjoyed some on that in future vids!
Wow! There are some aha moments and some useful info/perspective. Thank you for making this video ♥
Yo I was listening to attached for like the third time when I saw this video pop up in my feed. This video is getting an instant like just for being on the same vibe.
Synchronicity!
I have anxious avoidant. I want healthy connections more than anything, but Im weird and don't fit, so then Im avoident because I dont want to hurt people. I was abandoned by 4 parental figures.
I personally feel a massive part of the misunderstanding literally just comes from the name. It's very poorly named for non-clinical people, as it's structure appears to imply people having dependency on one another IS codependency.
I have no idea what I am, but I know I display both avoidant and anxious attachment…though interestingly, I am more avoidant after I spent years being single. It was really refreshing to hear you say that spending all your time with your partner is fine! Personally, I prefer having some separation and individuality, but I think that is pushed way too much. There is nothing wrong with depending on others, and wanting to be very close to someone. ❤
Mmm my therapist when telling me about codependency explained it more as neither party actually being in love anymore but going through the motions because you have become so dependent on each other you don’t know anything else. Even if you are miserable & fight all the time, lack of emotional or physical intimacy but being afraid of being alone or getting your sick needs of “saving” someone and the other party’s sick need of “being saved” less so than have an equal loving healthy relationship. The dependence being negative bc it’s to fill an emptiness even when you know the relationship is harmful / toxic to you and the other person.
I'd love to see a collab video between you and HealthyGamerGG, I think it'd be pure awesomeness
I'd love to see a video on MBTI and DISC!
psychology postdoc here! i believe one of the most harmful myths about attachment styles is that they are static (i.e., if you are anxiously attached to one person you will be anxiously attached for the rest of your life). people attach to different people in different ways across different time points (even though some might have specific attachment tendencies in specific contexts, say secure attachments to close friends but anxious to romantic partners). attachment styles can (if i remember it right) also shift naturally (say, you become more secure in your romantic relationships, or you become more anxious etc)
Completely agree on the myth 5 where butterflies are a sign of love. When I met someone I'm attracted to, they gave me that sign, however, I realized I have anxiety and low self esteem through my own close body language. I went to slumped shoulder, trying to minimize my chest exposure, one arm hugging my side arm. At that point I knew my issues, and the myth 5 is so wrong.
Dependency is not unhealthy when it's not unhealthy, but this doesn't mean that it's always healthy. Depending on your partner for everything can be unhealthy, and enjoying time on your own or with your friends is as healthy as enjoying time with your partner. You are assuming that the dependency one experiences is always just enjoying time together, but this is not always the case. Could this be a case of people misusing the word dependency when referring to codependency (which is not just used when talking about partners with drug problems, even if that's where the term was coined)? Maybe, but it does not invalidate the situations these people go through.
People depend on each other for everything, and that is good and perfectly healthy, but this includes a multitude of people, not just one and not defining for your self image.
I'm so glad I found you channel, this is so interesting!
I love your speech! Somehow I feel like I need more on this. Or at least go over it again really carefully 😄
it's the anxiously disorganized venn-diagram for me 😅 but i do think i have flickers of security in me that counterbalance the insecurities. do sometimes struggle with the mental dramatization of "i'm the problem, it's me" of blowing quirks or even my own sense of humor out of proportion as something detrimental or destructive while giving others leeway for the same behaviors, if they are harmless, inconsequential and/or non-serious 🧐 i'd argue that with experiencing that usually there was a relational trigger in a social exchange that went undetected by me but keeps having emotional impact. but it feels like that newton pendulum swing for me sometimes of swinging away from or swinging toward after something had an impact! guess my work is in reducing the "fallout" of those impacts or being more discerning with who or what caused them.
I'm really curious about how sending babies (starting at say 6 weeks old) to daycare for 8-9 hours a day can effect attachment. Would love a deeper dive into this. Like how parents can maybe unintentionally cause attachment issues with their kids?? I could see how this could be really important to study since moms in the US get SO little postnatal support.
Oof, this is a really good question and somewhat upsetting to answer. I feel like I just recently heard about a study that said infants who are largely cared for by secondary caregivers tend to experience attachment difficulties, but I apologize for not being able to find the source. Attachment disruptions/ruptures are known to be harmful, but getting help from secondary attachment figures might be better if parents experience less stress/greater support. It might be worth me doing a deep dive into the research on this.
So many of us in my generation, in my culture, have attachment issues (I'm 40 and living in a post-Soviet country). Sometimes I wonder if it has something to do with the fact that it used to be the norm to take newborns away from their mothers right after birth and put them into a separate room at the hospital (no skin-to-skin contact). It was also common for mothers to go straight back to work, leaving babies at home with family members or even some random friend of a friend. There was no understanding of the mother-baby bond and it's importance at all.
@@AnaPsychology Thank you, Ana!
@mariaokhapkina6971 Yes, I totally understand. I am also 40 and we didn't have the skin-to-skin thing either at birth. I have a lot of characteristics of someone with anxious attachedment, and I know it's not because my mom neglected me in the typical way we characterize neglect. But I did grow up with long hours in daycare since I was a newborn. And then was molested at age 3 at one of my daycare facilities (I had multiple over the years). So I can't help but see a correlation.
You’re right about many Americans glorifying the idea of having a separate life from their romantic partner . I heard that a lot from my parents growing up . I also feel like many people misconstrue loneliness and codependency.
i’ve been waiting for this video for a while.
Another really helpful and informative video as always. I'm not sure where I fit on the attachment chats... I don't think I'm completely secure, but I also don't think I'm super avoidant, anxious, or disorganized. I think I'm somewhere in the middle? Not sure what that's called. I can weirdly relate to all four attachment styles lol.
I dont agree in the part of wanting to spend all the time with your partner, i mean most of the time is perfectly fine, but all of the time, closes doors with your friends, family and other potential social activities and hobbies that could be beneficial for both of the members, there has to be a balance on things, it's simple. Wanting to be all the time with your partner sounds like codependency because it means you cant be ok without him/her. There is a difference in being auto sufficient but rely on your partner to be supportive when needed and in the other hand struggle in any situation to be ok without the company of your partner.
The point is not that you should, the point is that it's fine to want and enjoy that, because some people just have that preference
Obviously both people should still be whole persons, but there's this idea that you HAVE to keep space and that's not always true either
Hey Ana I've been watching your videos for a few years now and they've helped me out so much. You explain things so well and challenge me to think differently. I was wondering if there's anything from a previous video you've updated your opinion about or even found out you were wrong about? Maybe a topic for a future video? I find it's great to update our beliefs with new information and even someone who is well researched can make a mistake or change their mind. I think it would be great to see from your perspective!
So much to say… but all I can say for now is, God bless you for this video!!!😓
I don't agree with thinking people that are avoidant are scared to lose the relationship. It's such a simplistic answer to many individuals, it can't be serious.
how did you like the book? I read many people criticising it for romanticising harmful traits of the anxious attachment style while demonising the avoidant attachment
Thank you!
For some reason I feel like I was in need to hear this.
Thanks a lot for this great video !! Would you like to make one about friendship breakups or passive communication / attitude ? Sending love
doctor ana i love your videos!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you so much! :)
aaah yeah. i always told my friend who wanted me to make the weird tests that they wont give the correct outcome since im not attached to my parents who are always considered. like i have secure attachments with other people and stuff XD and i love these attachments.
playing hard to get is not about attachment, its about the other persons ego. if they get someone easily they will go "im not special, i was just first. if someone else had asked them out they would have picked them because they instantly pick" and yes its childish but telling people that it is, wont keep them from thinking that.