How to spot an emotionally manipulative apology
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 6 มิ.ย. 2024
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surprise, they're not sorry!
You are amazing, i wish to know you some day and thank you for all you have done and how your videos have help me, never this early so i hope you see this post. Have a great day and thank you.
Thank you for everything you have done and help me throw the year hope to met you and thank you personally some day, first time i am this early hope you see this.
Based Anna
Agree.
@OLIVER CHADLEY! Agree.
To quote my mom “Are you sorry about what you did or just sorry that you got caught?”
It’s so true
Your mom is wise.
Mine is emotionally manipulative
Im usually the latter
Wait my mom says that too,she got the quote from my dad.......
I got this similar quote from Rihanna...
"Don't tell me you're sorry 'cause you're not. Baby when I know you're only sorry you got caught."
The fake crying parts are painful to watch
So cringey
like I still don't understand how they can fake cry in general , demons ? joke
nobody has anyway to know if its really fake though
It's not that the crying is fake, it's that the apology is insincere.
@@eighteenglobe1396 It's pretty easy. For me, I have built up so much anger and sadness that I can summon those emotions when I need to. I'm also an actress, so it comes in handy.
@@kiki8792 So you're for real crying but just about something that's not related to the topic at hand , therefore it's called fake crying ?
Sometimes I try to fake cry, just to release some emotions & it just does not work. It comes out at the most random unexpected times for me
Tati didn’t even apologise. She’s just blaming everyone else
She makes me so mad
Ik she manipulated half of the community to literally attack someone.
U look A LOT like me when I had long hair and bangs, LIKE A LOT LIKE ME or maybe I look like u lol
@@testinghub8720 Turns out Jeffree Star and Tati were right
@Reis Grimery Yup. Present me is embarrassed at seeing my past comment... 💀
*forgets to wash the dishes*
"I have made a severe and continuous lapse in my judgement"
When the roaches start wearing slippers, you should probably be concerned...
Would it make sense to speak about a discontinuous lapse of judgement?
My new response to why the dishes aren’t washed 🤣
BAHAHAGA
Haha! I know this comment is old but this made my day!
Came here to make sure that Jenna Marbles was the exception. Love to see it.
Love you Omni, good job on keeping up the streak!
yeah me too tbh XD
saaaaaaauuuuuuuu
Just seeing that little clip made me tear up all over again. I 🖤 Jenna.
.....why?
My husband never apologizes, he just quietly improves.
apologies are nice but i’d take that over any apologies.
@@user-dz2hj6jo5h Yes, he's a sweetheart. Has a mental block from actually saying it but it shows in his actions. Not perfect, but close enough.
@@wandetta4467 I can relate to that, my parents never apologized when they did anything wrong growing up, I think that’s pretty common and it has lead to me having a hard time saying I’m sorry now as an adult as well. I can say it to my friends, probably because it’s never about anything really serious.
But to my mom I can never say I’m sorry after a fight, neither does she, we just don’t talk for the rest of the day and the next day it’s forgotten. But I do try to show her through actions if I was the one in the wrong.
So I’m glad that there’s people like you who understand people who have a mental block from saying it. I bet your husband feels really sorry in his mind, that’s what I feel every time but I just can’t say it.
@@aspannas same here!
That is good! Actions speak volumes..
always really hated that shane dawson acted like his past mistakes were of a different person altogether...like...take...accountability perhaps?
Yeah, he tried to distance himself from the situation. Honestly, he should work on this with a psychologist
I think it was more of "I hated how I was so much in the past I don't wanna think of it as me" kinda thing
@@vladmirpuddin385 denial
@@vladmirpuddin385 that’s the thing. I know it can be hard bc i myself sometimes have a hard time accepting it too but we must learn to accept that mistakes are also a part of us and shouldn’t just be buried but instead be acknowledged in order to improve and make a better version of us. If we keep on avoiding it i don’t think we will actually be able to change into a better person.
Welcome to the era of irresponsibility.
No one ever takes responsibility anymore.
The most privileged going as far as to never even being punished for any wrong doings.
The art of apology is something we could all learn more about.
I recently revealed the genders of my two girlfriends. It got a lot of hate and now has 30 times more dislikes than likes. I am really sad that people can be so mean. Sorry for using your comment to talk about my problems, dear nicole
Agreed!
The art of apology? I feel thats kinda what Anna was talking about. Well okay, maybe I take art a bit to literal here, but term wise it is kinda the opposite of just being genuine in feeling sorry.
I actually dont think apologies are worth that much, because the goal of an apology is usually the absolution from the person being hurt to ease your own guilt. I think when we get hurt it should not be about forgiveness. The important thing for me is that the other person understands what caused that hurt, learns and grows out of that behavior and takes accountability for the harm done. So yeah I take the sincere feeling of being sorry over any apology.
Absolutely
We could learn more about from PewDiePie*
Fun fact: I send A LOT of Anna’s videos to my therapist, and then we talk about them during our session; it’s honestly one of the best parts of therapy
My therapist watched some of her videos too when I told her I watched her haha
Yeah i wont spend my 45 mins of therapy to Talk about (nice and great) TH-cam vídeos 😅
I Will use them to Talk about my childhood trauma hahaha
But you guys do you xD
@@AyAReI00 people can do both. you can use her vids as another tool/frame of reference to help you understand what happened during your childhood lmao.
I love this idea
This post reminds me to look for a new therapist
me hoping im not apologizing in an emotional manipulative way:
as everyone should
I'm not judging you or saying you are a bad apologist, but I recently learnt there's something called apology languages... like love languages but for apologies. You can look into it if you like.
@@shirleytatha8189 ooh interesting! i will look into it
I feel this
I usually just don't say anything except "I know I shouldn't have done that and I'm sorry" (we have another word for it in germany maybe you could also say "I apologise"?) without saying excuses or 'explanations' they will ask if they want to know why.
I often say "it won't happen again" but only if I mean it and I'm sure it will definitely not happen again (like sometimes it's something minor like forgetting idk putting the trash out where I can't promise I wont forget it again)
It's not much but it works for me so if you're not sure how to apologise maybe just do that.
I'm seeing a lot of comments that if someone is to genuinely apologize, he/she shouldn't say "excuses" as to why he/she acted that way. But me, personally, if someone was to apologize to me, I wanna hear their story as to why they acted that way. So, i just want to know when do we consider their "explanation" as an excuse? Or is explanation really not needed for a genuine apology?
I'm the same way. I like getting explanations to some extent so it makes sense as to why he/she did such a hurtful thing. Kinda helps me know more of who they are.
I think its important that the person apologising gives an account of what happened - its not necessarily an excuse. Perhaps the tricky part here is that very often when we give our explanations of what happened we can get defensive if we havent honestly processed it yet, thennn it comes off as an excuse and undermines the apology. Best solution is to only apologise for things we’re honestly sorry for and can account ourselves for, instead of throwing out an apology before realising this isnt actually the narrative we believe
@@calebfudrums that actually makes sense and i kinda see it now
i feel like if the victim asks for an explanation, then you can tell your side
if they didnt ask, maybe dont tell.
if it's supposed to save yourself from trouble and do damage control, i think you are not ready to apologize
perhaps give some time to reflect and come back with a clear mind and intention is the best way
French Pelayo the problem is that can also leads to misunderstandings (its the most common TV drama trope). Not to mention internet apology videos arent two way conversations
I hope Jenna sees this, she didn’t deserve any hate.
Oh I thought a non-black person said something---
She didn't recieve hate. But I agree she needed to leave the platform. She was just an acceptable white girl that did it.
@@effortlesslynj ...and you know theyre non-black how?
@@effortlesslynj oh no, what a nightmare. It’s not like they’re a human with their own thoughts and opinions.
As much as we dont want to see Jenna go, she did the right thing. I hope in the future she comes back with more love and positivity to share.
The Jenna apology vid still hurts
Jenna was so pure
Jenna is why we can’t have nice things.
Cuz you can Tell she is sorry. With the other you can Tell they are NOT sorry at all, they are terrible actores
True I miss Jenna when she apologized I know it was real and she meant it 😔
OWwwwch, my heart 🥺
I’ve been emotionally manipulated *many many* times
And signs of it are:
-Making promises someone can’t keep
-Saying “well you have this problem but mine is worse”
-Ignoring your issues
-Talking about themself and ignoring when you need to talk about you
-Saying “you don’t care about me that’s why you’re doing this!”
-Not letting you have time with others (this is more psychological)
-Guilt tripping
-Saying “I swear next time!”
-Saying you aren’t as good as someone else and lowering your self esteem so they can tower over you
If u see ur friend or partner as some of these it’s best you get away before u get heartbroken plz it’s really not fun :>
This doesn't sound like only emotional manipulation, I believe some of the situations you described are mental/emotional abuse. I'm sorry you had to experience that, hope you're in a better place now
Denisse Vega thank you so much! I just want people to not be in the situation I was and know it’s not their fault that they’re being treated like that, and I am thank you!!
@@raincloud04 sorry what do you mean by that?
Sorry, I think I read the post wrong, I thought I meant it was manipulative to lower Ur own self esteem
@@raincloud04 ohhhhh no I do that myself 😂
This is what I told my little brother so I'll say it here, "Don't apologize if you aren't sorry, apologize if you mean it."
So I should never apologise to anyone lmao? Bc Im never actually sorry I dont care xd.
@@36daysand17 well then you're honest and that's good
I had to cuz my WiFi will be prohibited till the day I apologize (((((:
@@tourmelion9221 its nott good tho I hurt ppl and it makes me sad bc I dont mean it I accidentally say stuff that gets other ppl offended
@@pilly3815 you just have toxic entitled parents
"Intention doesnt matter as much as impact" -Anna
Solid solid
Basically the argument between my wife and I.
She always blabbers on about her good intentions and I'm always pointing out the impact.
I think both matter .
I, anna
I learned that there are 3 parts of an effective apology:
1. Remorse (Feeling bad about what happened)
2. Taking Responsibility (Not trying to make excuses or shifting blame to others)
3. Reconciliation (Trying to make it better)
This!
There’s also the 5 Languages or Apology (3 of you mentioned are part of that) by Gary Chapman - Same guy who created the 5 Love Languages
A good manipulator knows how to fake remorse. Remorse wouldnt be what i would say. I'd say just acknowledging that it was wrong
@@PamAndiii what are those?
So what if you aren't sure if step 1. Remorse is legitimate? How do you know if you are actually being remorseful?
I'm so dissapointed you didn't included Jeffrey's apology. That apology its self deserve to be broke down into so many wrong point lmao
it was way too obvious lol
@@tropixelate6872 but almost no one talks about it.
I don't know why people like him.Truly. He is a 40 years old man acting like a teenager,plus very toxic and with oversized ego for no reason to back it up.
At least there was a clip of him in the first second
I’m sorry IF I offended you . / I’m sorry YOU feel this way / ...to anyone who MIGHT have been offended - The perfect non-apology apology
Yeah, almost sound like attempts to make others feel ashamed for being offended.
"I'm sorry i made you feel like you deserve an apology" - Rick/Beth
A good apology has 3 basic parts:
1. I'm sorry.
2. It's my fault. I take responsibility. (Acknowledge the impact of your actions).
3. What can I do to make it right?
Unfortunately, these don't always work and alot of people "hate" apologies.
@@twenty1stpilot I think I do. People hate fake apologise and people hate if it's there is no change in behaviour band real remorse or rather acknowledgement of how they've been hurt and am effort to make up for what has been done.
Also people need to realise that even when you give an apology you need to give the person/people the space to work through their hurt.
And also need to realise people won't always forgive you even if you give a good apology because for one not everything is forgivable and secondly you may owe them an apology but they don't owe you their forgiveness.
The latter however doesn't mean you need to hate yourself and self flagalate or that the other person is necessarily petty or mean.
But that you should counteract the damage of your behaviour but also give the other person the space to process.
They might forgive you and everything is cool beans, or to forgive you and are wary but give you a chance to make it up or regain their trust or they might forgive you and avoid you or they might not forgive you and avoid.
All these you'll have to accept.
Without all the “It’s because of something something that’s why” excuses. Sure. There are reasons for your actions. But they’re not reasons for you to be forgiven.
I would say it's
1. I'm sorry.
2. It's my fault. I take responsibility. (Acknowledge the impact of your actions).
3. This is what I'm going to do to make it right (instead of asking others for emotional labour/to educate you, do it yourself and tell people what you will do, so they can hold you accountable).
I mean correct me if I am wrong since I don't watch APology Videos like these, but...
Do they ever actually show any tears? Like...I know they have the "I am about to shed tears" type of crying look. But...do they ever TRULY cry?
If not that seems EXTREMELY emotionally manipulative
I’m still heartbroken that Jenna’s gone from TH-cam.
WHAT? I haven't been on YT for a couple of months and JENNA IS GONE???
@@Josephiene
Yup. TH-cam is a horrible platform for youtubers any dang wayz.
@@ryeuhnbrus8287 wait wait wait...how and w h y
Really!? Damn. Jenna was good early TH-cam. But sometimes it's good to hang up the cape.
she straight up left?! WHAT
Dang! You hit home on this one!
Hello dear person who is verified!
Spirit science in the cut 👌🏾
They keep saying “I hate that person” bro that’s you 🤨🤨🥱
yooooo facts 💯💯💯💯
*was*, you can't hold me accountable for what I did when I was 5.
Being able to apologise is an underrated skill. The normalisation of these fake narcissistic ‘apologies’ probably is effecting real life relationships.
This right here. It is truly normalized. The fact is, our society teaches us that you should say sorry when you make a mistake and negatively affect someone. So, it's no surprise we have so many people who think that the only solution is just to say sorry, and then they are given a rough awakening to how actually people feel about it and how what they thought was enough is clearly not.
you are damn right.
Affecting
i have realized that i do perform "emotionally manipulative apologies" sometimes, and im working on stopping that and taking more accountability.
my mental health is not the best atm, so im on a slow journey to healing :) ik this was a rant but i just wanted to get this off my chest (and if any1 else is going thru a similar situation) 💗💗✨
Have you seen all the damage done by the 4 years reign of the man-baby?
AKA POTUS
Oooh Anna putting them on blast, quite right. The non-apology is a technique often used by narcissists. You may see the word sorry appear but they avoid actual actual actions/words that show accountability.
Then they cry, "I said sorry, didn't I?!"
@@brendamertes9472 Yeah, as if "sorry" means the other person has to immediately forgive them and everything's okay
Don't forget these people often aren't aware of their own actions. My dad fits into the narcissist category, and for him he was never given the tools to combat it. We're lucky to live in an age of information, with TONS of free mental health help at the tips of our fingers. Also so many more of us aren't actively discouraged to find mental health *help now, as it was seen as weak or worse you could be instantly hospitalized not that long ago.
"Putting them on blast" doesn't fit the theme of positive mental health. We're all just coming out of the dark ages, so give some lee-way when you can. We've all been on both sides of the genuine / insincere apologies.
I think the non apology is something a lot of people use at least once in their life. Of course with narccisists it's overdone, but I think we also need to not separate ourselves from these manipulative behaviors so we can work on ourselves instead of feeling like we're better than anyone else, which would just serve to feed our ego.
Jenn Agustina Yeah something I appreciate from Anna is that she never excludes herself from these critique videos. She includes “you” and “I” to hold us to the same standards.
**Compares this to my parents apology**
Yep
Wait, your parents apologize to you? Can't relate💀💀
My mom never apologises because she always thinks she’s in the right lol
@@klunk4683 monke says you are child therefore you wrong
Parents are so horrible at apologizing, if they ever do at all :(
can we not call Laura's ''crying" crying, that was literal miming , did ya'll see tears? cuz I didn't, she was just rubbing her face😂😭🖐🏾
No, that's crying. Consider it a PSA of why you probably shouldn't get botox.
Jenna Marbles is the most genuine person ever, I miss her :(
You have cancel culture to thank for taking her away from the internet.
proud to say i have no idea who this jenna marble is.
@@Duxaization There's never been a Jenna Marbles cancelling bandwagon. Jenna, even at the point of leaving, has been and was one of the most beloved and celebrated people on this platform. Virtually no one was asking for her to leave.
I think it's kind of infantilizing to peddle this narrative that some force other than Jenna's own moral compass and integrity were the reason she wanted to step back.
@@KattReen Exactly. She has autonomy over herself. She’s not a kid.
I think part of what Jenna has done with her apologies that makes them so much better is that she goes through and explicitly states what she did, why, and why she was wrong. I haven’t seen any apologies explain exactly why they were wrong. Jenna also doesn’t say things like “I don’t like who I was” or “I was like this because I was hurting”, she said that there was no excuse as to why she did what she did and SHOWN that she’s changed.
I'm sorry, kinda miss the thing, why exactly was she apologizing for?
@@youparejo the first apology was because they bought fish and messed something up in their care so they died (edit: they didn't die, she just returned them because she felt the environment wasn't ideal). The second apology was for racist humour she had used in old sketch videos of her.
I don't think the fish died - she returned them to the pretty store the next day. She bought some fish and a tank from a pet store
and then more knowledgeable fish keepers told her was inappropriate for the fish. She returned the fish and apologised for not doing more research.
I think Colleen's was up there too
The ONLY youtube apologies that I believe were innocent/sincere (as someone who grew up with emotional manipulators everywhere): *James charles and Jenna marbles.*
Yesss
I was like **GASP** WHAT IF SIMPLY IS IN HERE
then I realized..
she’s never had to apologize, ever!
And when she did which was completely optional, she did it very well
(simplynailogical, a holographic loving nail - obsessed 30 year old woman, who lives with her boyfriend Ben, where they work as Crime Statistic Analysts, in Ottawa Canada . Cristine (with no h) also owns her own polish line, named Holo Taco. Check her out!)
also PewDiePie!!
Agreed, I also noticed charli damelio cry’s in every single one of her apology videos
Callmecarsons apology was pretty sincere from the fitz and katerino
Anna is a SAVAGE and we need her. Also 100% agreed Jenna's was super honest and contrite and I was so sad to see people putting her on blast for it.
Just remember: Dont victimise yourself, and dont apologise with the intention/expectation of being forgiven. Allow another person to be mad at you if you have hurt them. empathise and understand how the other must be feeling.
"Allow another person to be mad at you..."
Pretty hard to do so when you're the one they're mad at.
@@Checkmate1138 definitely, but dont feel entitled to immediate forgiveness is my point. Allow the other person to process in their own way.
@@potternutmania Yeah. I suppose in the end, people do need to live and pay for the consequences of what they did.
that is a good advice
I have a friend who always makes herself a victim:(
I needed to hear this in a well-constructed way. When a partner apologizes for the sake of it and the behaviour doesn't change it comes to a point when you feel bad for getting hurt and bring the same issue over and over. It can really mess with your head.
Very true
Yes, when in reality the other person is the problem for not fixing the root of the issue. But since they want to skrrt skrt around it you start to feel like a burden when it comes up again :(
Omg I can relate!! I started to doubt myself if I am being too emotional and just let it go. I just really need a genuine and sincere apology. Not excuses or shifting the blame. Why is it so damn hard for other people to understand...
Wow. I just realized this happened to me.. a lot
Anna has presented this problem in a very constructive, unapologetic, and loving way
“But intention doesn’t matter as much as impact” is something people need to take more seriously. Someone may not mean to hurt someone, but if your behavior hurts someone else, don’t try to hide behind ignorance. Learn and focus on doing better going forward and make it clear to the hurt party that it was a mistake you wish to not repeat
I’m so afraid of giving off an apology out of the fear that people might think that I am trying to be manipulative.
2:46 she talks about how they cut the crying out AND showing you how to do it on premiere. The shade. Love her.
I cackled at this
Hahahaa
As someone who lost a friend to suicide, there were people who found it funny and made jokes about it and they never said sorry. So I have no sympathy for Logan. The only reason he "apologized" was because his money was in question. Jenna Marbles was probably the only one whose apology and acknowledgement were sincere. I hope she comes back.
True. Most of these “apologies” are only made when that sweet, sweet YT money is in jeopardy. I can guarantee you if these TH-camrs didn’t think that their money was on the line they never would’ve apologised. As for Jenna, I personally never saw her content. But I hope the best for her. If she comes back, then more power to her. But I completely understand if she doesn’t. This platform has a way of breaking people.
I can't believe people who laugh at those who commit suicide. It's not funny.
What are they trying to prove? That they're better somehow because they're still alive? Because that's not gonna last forever. I'd it because they haven't experienced mental illness or the concept of compassion or basic human decency?
Wow. Sociopathy and megalomania ARE FUNNY! But as soon as you laugh at them for being shifty human beings, they don't find it so funny, do they? It's like, they get so cost to the concept of being able GJ relate to other humans, but then they go, "Couldn't be me!"
Sakura Moonflower I think the reasons vary. Some people I think laugh because they’re trying to shake off the discomfort of it all. It’s not genuine: they just feel really uncomfortable and want to avoid the issue (which is still kinda crappy.)
But then there are some people who think suicide is a joke. Like, they go “lol I’m not depressed what a loser for killing themselves lmao”. Which is just- it’s so sick. What about that person’s family? They just lost someone close to them, and they’re sitting there laughing at the person killing themselves because of their mental health. Like, what? Dude.
I am so sorry for your loss. I'm seriously beginning to think people just don't have empathy or sympathy anymore. People like that are monsters.
@@MisfitJetta-du8rg Thank you 💕
I never watched Jenna’s channel, but she seems like a really, really good and well grounded person.
Tati should have known what she was getting into. Everyone told her about how they're problematic.
Its not like she didnt do anything lol
"I'm sorry" is not an apology to me and it never will be. Clearly stating what went wrong, committing to an action plan to do better, and then following through on that plan is an apology, and I won't accept anything less.
That’s the reason why I’ve always hated hearing that phrase. It’s convenient with no promise of future heartache. The only “I’m sorry” I trust is from my husband. He actually does something and we talk through our problems. That’s more than anyone has ever given me.
You remind me of my mom. When my siblings and I were small, she would make sure that we would say “I apologize. Can you forgive me?” Instead of “I’m sorry.” She explained that you are basically saying “yea I feel kinda guilty, but I’m not acknowledging that I’m wrong” When you say sorry. It’s always stuck out to me. I’m glad you said this. It definitely taught us the basics of accountability at a young age
"The most convenient phrase in the world is I'm sorry. It shifts the guilt into the person that you wronged."
I think this is a great thing for everyone to reflect on. To see if they perform or receive emotional manipulation. And then try to do better and own up to your mistakes.
Yeah I agree 😊
Agreed, this made me realise that I do this and need to figure out how to be better
@@deathgodfire same, I try to give explanations as to why I've done what I've done, but they're really excuses instead of taking accountability. Bit of an uncomfortable feeling
I certainly have used excessive crying and excuses too instead of owning up to my mistakes and sitting with my own uncomfortableness with what I have done and then owning up to it and genuinely apologizing. I realized this in high school and have been working on it since. Awareness is the first step. And thinking “is this how I would like others to treat me”
This is the Amazing grace. John 3:16 "For God loved the world that he sent his only begotten son so that whosoever believes in him will not perish but have everlasting life" . For God didn't send his son to condemn the world but through him they might be saved... God loves you 💕so much that he suffered, died and rose from the dead to pay the punishment of your sins. All you gotta do is ask for forgiveness 🙏 (read the 10 commandments)and trust/believe in the finished work of The lord Jesus Christ on the cross. You will be saved from the eternal damnation of Hell and be granted eternal life in Heaven... The end is Nigh🔥. Jesus is coming soooon. Jesus is lord🤴🏽
th-cam.com/video/CDdvReNKKuk/w-d-xo.html (amazing grace)
th-cam.com/video/ZsBhvSMQUk4/w-d-xo.html ( love letter)
th-cam.com/video/5RMLaLX-WXw/w-d-xo.html (testimony)
i have realized that i do perform "emotionally manipulative apologies" sometimes, and im working on stopping that and taking more accountability.
my mental health is not the best atm, so im on a slow journey to healing :) ik this was a rant but i just wanted to get this off my chest (and if any1 else is going thru a similar situation) 💗💗✨
Lol you just did it
You just said your apologies are emotionally manipulative and then followed by saying you have mental health issues. Try not to use that as an excuse bby :)
I kinda disagree with the replies before, for questioning your right to explain your situation here. You clearly said you're trying to change, also you weren't even making an apology but just sharing your thoughts, so I don't see a problem with your comment. There are always reasons why someone acts in a certain way. Reason isn't a synonym for excuse. It's important to understand your behavior (what triggers you etc.) so you can change it. Otherwise you'd be doomed to fail. Good luck!
@@anawaa-a4959 I think it is important to know why you do the things and work on the roots, it is actually the right thing to point out your reasons. I always want to know the motivations or reasons of mistakes, because the world is not black and white.
I love this. “Intention doesn’t matter as much as impact.”
Also I feel like anyone can also be a little too critical when looking at others, even in their apologies. On one hand, critiques are good to have every now and again, but when people are too concerned with not messing up an apology for fear of a negative reaction TO their apology, you can get an even more disingenuous response from them because of critique. It’s kind of like having a parent who only ever sees the flaws in their kids, not what they tried to do right. Idk
Sorry, but I don’t agree with the intentions don’t matter.
Honestly, I really disagree with the “Intention doesn’t matter as much as impact”. Even in the example she gave it definitely doesn’t apply, pre-meditated murder is far worse than accidental man-slaughter. Yes, both are homicide and therefore bad, however the one with malicious intent is objectively worse, both in morality and law.
An important caveat that was missed here: sometimes in interpersonal relationships, the person you feel you should apologize to is actually emotionally manipulating YOU. What you did may not actually merit an apology or you changing your behavior at all, but rather reflects that person's inability to take care of their own emotions and insecurities. Don't unjustly take on someone else's pain.
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Serious question, how do we tell who is wrong in the situation (i.e. an emotionally charged fight between two people with a long history) if both are hurting? What if both are hurt but only one demanded the apology? I acknowledge responsibility still needs to be taken, but how do you reflect your side without appearing to or unintentionally gaslight the other person? Or does one just have to "take the high road"?
I feel like this starts to go into the lines of gaslighting.
There are so many situations where neither person is entirely right or wrong. I think the key thing no matter what is, if you care about the other person, you express compassion for what they're feeling the best you are able. Having compassion and holding space for the other person while they're hurt doesn't necessarily mean you have to take full responsibility for it.
Yeah like my narc ex constantly wanting me to feel bad over the most petty things like shaking or looking away in discomfort when he was yelling at me. Or for a slight miscommunication about plans it wasn't enough for me to try to make it up, the only option was to punish me and make me feel bad for the mistake. I'm glad you brought up this nuance. Not everything merits an apology
“I’m sorry” means “I understand what I did wrong, and I will put forth my best effort not to do it again”.
If that’s not what you mean, the you aren’t really sorry.
It’s actually just feeling regret, not the rest.
Exactly. Anytime I heard a “sorry” growing up it was never genuine.
@@pikabunz Same here. I hope you’ve been able to surround yourself with more caring people since then ❤️
@@VictorDude98 Can someone genuinely regret something if they don't even care if they'll repeat it?
@@toi4154 I'm going by the actual definition of the word. Everything else is just semantics
I'm a pretty emotional person. I don't know why but even when I'm happy or excited, I always have the urge to cry and then suddenly my eyes are watery. So, you can imagine when I'm about to apologize to someone. I tried to hold it in but the tears came out anyway. When apologizing, I thought "I have to keep my composure so I can express my sincerity better" but guess who keep bawling and shoving tissues around? At that moment, I really hated myself for being like that because I knew crying publicly can be seen as manipulative. But right then, my sadness came out in the form of tears and I couldn't stop it. Through it all, my friends were silent and calm, but the gazes were cold and dismissive. Until now, I still don't know my apology was well recieved or not to them because how stressfull it was, but if they gossiped about my "fake crying" to other people, I guess I've accepted that as part of my punishment because I've hurt them first. Thus, I've learned my lesson ; Do not hope for reconciliation, sincere apology doesn't always make them stay.
General guide to this basically is if the person tries to guilt trip you, does self loathing or deprecation, or makes you look like the bad guy for not understanding their situation
" People don't always remember what you say but they will always remember how it made them feel." I don't remember who made this quote. It was just deep and stuff so I figured I'd use it.
Jesus Christ, so true.
Maya Angelou. She's my hero, and was a very wise woman.
''Apology without changed action is manipulation''.
Thank you, I needed to hear this today.
“Excessive Crying”?More Like”Excessive Crocodile Tears”
There's an apology response that has been completely stuck in my head since I first heard it.
"Don't be sorry, be better." -Kratos
This is making me miss Jenna even more, we stan a genuine queen
I didn't even know that manipulative apologies were a thing. never heard of that.
You lucky one. You havent experienced it yourself
Enes Ince More than likely he’s been very much a part of it, but he/she simply wasn’t cognitive of the manipulation. After all, if someone can tell you’re manipulating them, then it’s not manipulation
@@metroidfoosion73 yeah true
* mlchlcgrl * I felt it before but didn’t know what it’s cslled
Yeah the Shane, tana etc apology videos are so manipulative and their young fans are easy to manipulate.
why did tati look like she’s reading a script
i mean, she probably is but, like girl at least make it look like you aren’t
She did read it. She was taking legal action against Jeffree and Shane so she can only say so much.
I totally get the excuses aspect of these “apologies“ and how they absolutely come off as disingenuous. But I also do want to recognize that if you’re not excusing your behavior, you’re simply explaining where you were at mentally, emotionally, what have you, at a certain time in your life, it can be less of an excuse and more of an explanation into why you did something that you now look back on and resent. It’s a good thing to understand where you were and how that impacted the things that you did and the decisions you’ve made, especially if you don’t like the way you were and the decisions you’ve made in the past. That way you’re not bound to repeat them.
Crocodile tears have had no effect on me since my childhood because of how often my mother and sister used them to manipulate me and just berate and belittle what confidence I might have had.
On the plus side I didn't turn into them so 👍
Crocodile tears. A narcissist’s best weapon.
Thank you for this, Anna, since more people need to know the signs of fake apologies
Thank you for that slap in the face. I recognize that I do this. I am now aware and will catch myself whenever I feel the urge to apologize to save my own skin.
I had to tell my mother that "I am sorry it happened, but it was not entierly my fault" is not an apology, because then she is not taking responisbily for her actions.
yes queen call them OUT
Speaking as someone who has heard a million apologies living in LA and lived to the age of 52 I pass along to you the key word to look for in an apology. The word you are looking for is "but", they may substitute "because" as well. If you hear those words it is not an apology you are listening to, its an excuse. It is them justifying to themselves why it was okay for them to do that negative behavior to you. Here is the structure of a real apology: 1 This is what I did that was wrong (they identify the problem) 2 I see how that affected you (this is them empathisizing with your emotions, very important) and 3 I will strive to not do that ever again. I am sorry, I was wrong. THE END. (they might include here how they will change said behavior or action) Anything more is not an apology. It is an excuse. And remember it is okay to say yeah I don't accept that as an apology, what you just gave me was an excuse and I am not comfortable with that behavior around me. And you point out where they said "but" or "because". Don't let people treat you poorly. And one key to that is recognizing an excuse vs and apology!
The issue with crying when apologizing is the victim suddenly is enticed to comfort the person who hurt them. When it should be the other way around. So it’s manipulative and not healthy.
OMG! Once, I was on the phone with someone claiming they had been hiding in a bathtub crying all morning because they thought our friendship was over. Her voice was all weepy and snotty sounding... totally believed her, and agreed to forgive and start over. Literally two minutes later she live-streamed with perfect make-up and was all bubbly up beat. That friendship was immediately over.
"[if] you like choking make sure that you have a safe word. Actually, [...] don't have a safe-word, have a safe-move because often you cannot speak when you are being choked." - Antoni Porowski From Queer Eye Reads Thirst Tweets
Intention vs impact. Yes👏🏻 I hope everyone would understand that!!!
As far as your mind goes intention is everything.
If you step on an ant unintentionally it's ok you simply didn't see it, but if you step on it intentionally you built this mechanism in your mind that is murderous. More you kill, it gets stronger and stronger and you loose compassion for living beings. When you loose compassion for others you loose it for your self also. So you become reckless and insensitive.
Even in law there is a difference between manslaughter and murder.
@@yoooyoyooo but even in law the impact is still taken into account
as for the excuses and dodges, my saying is “it explains it, but it doesn’t excuse it” for when someone tries to use their own personal distraught as a reason why they did the wrong things they did
laura lee just being "one girl" omg anna drag her
“I’m sorry you deserve better I’m just doubting I can make you happy”
Why am I still in this relationship 😔
My ex ligit said this!!
Therapy. It will change both of your lives.
Usually when someone says you deserve better and aren't making an effort to be better, they're probably right
Definitely something people need to be more on the lookout online nowdays....
“Intention doesn’t matter as much as impact.”
Or the "I'm sorry that you believed I was wrong but I refuse to admit that I did anything wrong"
"Intention doesn't matter as much as impact". THAT.
Emotional intelligence is something we stan. ICONIC
your videos are solid year after year, week after week. youre filled with knowledge and insight. i appreciate you a lot
The quality of these videos are amazing!
These are such great points with wonderful examples. Think there must be a handbook for youtube apologies written at this point by talent managers
Nope. It's just basic white supremacist ideology. They do the same exact thing in real life (and have for centuries). Calling the cops on Black and brown people, lying about what happened, making excuses, and crying about how they feel terrible and threatened. These TH-cam videos are a less deadly version of the same actions. They're raised to act this way and society continuously perpetuates the acceptance of this racist behavior. The fewer people who watch that bullshit, the better.
There is a book called „why won’t you apologize „ and I found it really helpful. It about how to apologize, why it’s hard and why you should do it anyway.
This is why I love you Anna!! You are so real and not afraid to speak your mind!!
I love how educational Anna’s videos are. This topic specifically hit so close to home; it really made me want to take a step back and reflect on my behaviors, apologies and why so many conflicts happen over the same thing over and over again with my family or friends. Thank you Anna for making these types of videos! They’re genuinely a positive influence and food for thought for a lot of people, myself included ❤️
Three things I've tried to make sure of with an apology-
1. The purpose is to make the person I've hurt feel better not just to get it off my chest.
2. I MUST apologize in front of all the people who were there when I hurt you. (a lot of times, I've seen and received apologies after the fact, in private, like 'it's our little secret' from a person who could hurt in front of many but not apologize in front of many)
3. As Ward Cleaver said, "I've never done something wrong where it didn't at least HELP to say sorry." Even if you know it's not going to fix it, the apology is owed.
Petition for us to be taught how to appropriately apologize in school bc I agree that intent means very little without impact
Thank you so much for always speaking up about subjects that often feel awkward to address!
Your explanations by example are so effective. I like that you take the time to thoroughly explain every concept but you don't go into a huge amount of detail on your personal thoughts. This leaves room for people to develop their own thoughts on the subject and consider how it relates to their own experiences.
Alternative title: Anna calling out problematic youtubers for 8 minutes straight. Love it!
I love your channel Anna, thank you so much for creating such consistent quality content! CAN'T wait for new music xx
The good news has once again come to you today. You can inherit the kingdom of God even if you are a sinner.. after all we are all sinners in God's standards of justice and holyness (he says that if a man looks at a woman with lust he has already committed adulterly with her in his heart NO MAN IS THAT PURE😅).....All you have to do is to honestly humbly pray repent turn away from sins (read the10 commandments) and trust that Jesus for his love❤❤ for you he left his throne in heaven and came to the world he was humbled humiliated betrayed beaten and killed for your sake to pay the fine of your sins and mine so that we won't spend our eternity in hell but with him in heaven...this might be the last time you read the gospel...Look around🔥🔥 be smart..the end is nigh🔥 ..He is coming back soooon not as the sacrificed lamb of God🐑..but as King of Kings🤴 the judge of the whole world..Your soul is on the line😭😭. Eternity is a long time.
You queen! Thank you for the invaluable enlightenment on spotting emotionally manipulative apologies! This is a true nugget of gold in helping us understand which people are good or bad for us, but also in helping us self-reflect upon our own actions and behaviors. In fact I noticed my own psychologist doing this, shifting the blame to external events or others (coronavirus pandemic/errors which occurred in the system), for why he failed to meet patient-therapist expectations. With this insight I can accept that it's reasonable and rational for me to discontinue treatment with him and seek another professional who can better understand my needs and expectations, or at the very least possess a certain level of maturity which I expect from adults working in this profession.
Your content is so important, and has helped me to see my actions and other people actions in a different way from the moment I started whatching you, so I just wanted to say a huge THANK YOU for this amazing and sincere videos !!!
This really struck a chord with me, both in self reflection and realizing how many times I've been manipulated before
8 full minutes of Anna's quality content?!
truly heavenly :)
Thank you for this. My childhood was full of emotional and mental abuse/manipulation. So I'm still learning how to properly apologize and better myself. Dating someone has made it even more important.
very well done!
I'm always so glad when others see what's going on, too!
I really like your short and crispy videos!
It’s important to understand that what makes an apology authentic is owning the mistake, taking action and making the appropriate changes. I’m happy I watched this! This is good stuff to think about throughout my day and it’s actually humbling to think about if I have committed to all the changes I’ve promised to myself and others. You’re bright light in a dark room Anna. Keep sharing your work!
Anna, a lot of your videos deeply resonate w me and have changed my life and the way I think about my own health and self-worth. Thanks for all the positivity. Can't wait to see what you do in the future! I stan
Impact over intention. I do love that and makes absolute sense. Taking notes
This was such a great video-I’m glad I clicked 🤗 it’s important to be able to understand these types of videos and know the right way to take accountability.
really learned a lot from this... made me more aware of how my family members and also myself execute an apology, thanks anna 💗 p.s.: love the longer videos ✨
_"I have a hard time saying sorry to people"_ -one of my ex best friends... the one that I DROPPED 😎🥳🤯😵
good for you 👍🏾
Well done Anna! People need to hear this. There is so much manipulation going on in our society now. I am so happy that you are providing this useful information. We have to be more aware of how people try to manipulate us.
Spot on Anna. Accountability for ones actions is never a sign of personal failure but of strength. A willingness to do the hard work to re-examine yourself and hold yourself to new standards. It’s tough to do but the rewards are priceless, like the saying goes “respect is earned, not given.”