Fearful Avoidants Expectations with Texts in the Dating Phase of A Relationship
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 2 ต.ค. 2024
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In this video, I talk about the expectations Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style tend to have regarding texting during the dating phase of a relationship.
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It's so frustrating that when someone is texting a lot, it activates my avoidant side and I want to just get away from that person for some time. When that person is texting me far less than I need them to, it activates my anxious side and now I wanna know what's going on with them.
Even though I'm doing the work on myself and keep questioning my stories, it can take time to get this hot-cold switching under control. So anyone like me, trying out there and still see this happening, don't lose hope. You're not alone 😊❤️
I used to have NOOO balance with that! If it took them longer than 30 minutes to text me back I'd be an anxious wreck (not to mention when days pass by) but if they texted me too often I'd want to run for the hills! I had to learn the Buddhist principal of detachment, and now I feel peace no matter the amount of time it takes someone to text me 💛 Healing is possible! 🌟
@Globe Lights Thanks for being so curious about FA dynamics. Being an FA, a lot runs on trust and the level of trust there decides if I give people a second chance or not.
So if I'm being cold with someone but I also trust them on some level (like with my partner or a close friend) then them being cold in response would definitely make me question myself first. I would begin to wonder whether I have hurt them by being so cold and if I have overreacted to the situation. Simultaneously I would also get some hurtful narratives pop up in my head saying things like - I trusted that person, don't they know me at all.. So there would be a real struggle there (fears vs feelings) for me to decide if I should reach out to them again. If that person reaches out to me again expressing themselves calmly, without blaming anyone and assuring me they still care about me, its then easy for me to open upto them again.
On the other hand, if I get cold on someone who I've just met or don't know them well (like a work colleague) and they act cold in return, I would think about it for 10 mins and move on. There is practically no trust there since I don't know them well and so it's easy choice for me to just move on from it.
I'm guessing (and I can be completely wrong here) that you have someone with FA attachment and you're wondering if you going cold on them in return would get them warm up to you again.
If that is the situation, don't go cold in return without expressing your needs, your care for that person (if you do) and thoughts on the situation. Try not to place blame (as what's been done is done) but it's best to communicate your feelings from your side and then leave the FA person with a choice to come back to you when they want to talk to you.
Hope this helps. Happy to answer more questions if you have any.
Much love and healing x
@@thehealingfairee wow, lovely to hear that!! ❤️
@@andreajaouhari6486 it is indeed a conscious battle. So true. We shall keep on 😊❤️
@Globe Lights I think it depends. I once went on a couple of dates with an anxious person but it was before I knew about attachment styles. After one date the guy sent me like 20 flower emojies and another block of heart emojies and sent me a pic of himself shirtless. I pulled back because it was too much. This is stuff I would think is cute a few months into the relationship not after 1 date. Then he pulled back. I still was reaching out but less. And then things just got awkward until it dissolved. I figured he moved on. I was right though he did. Because a few weeks later he showed up to my work with his new gf lol.
Content starts at 1:27 🤗
her school is soooo helpful though, I get why she plugs it at the beginning or else people don't know
FAs can also go the other way - acting anxious or secure in dating phase then become avoidant when there is more of a commitment
@@wynnefuller what an absolutely wonderful way to live. My God. I am just so crestfallen to realise this about myself.
Man it’s stressful to live with my FA. Will my love survive ?
@@asit1 Any update?
That’s how I am if I’m with someone who is more anxious. I don’t mind the anxious until it feels smothering.
Texting is a horrible means of communication. So many misunderstandings develop from it. People read a wrong tone into messages (often influenced by their current mood) and become offended or triggered, they misunderstand what is being said or the message intended by a text, they believe they are being ignored when people on the other end are simply busy, and on and on. If relied upon too much, it is a relationship killer.
Thank you. I needed to see this comment. I've decided to not resume contact with a woman I detached from as this was our only means of communication per her comfort level. She wasn't comfortable with talking on the phone, video chat and meeting up so we stayed texting until it triggered me not to mention feeling massively overwhelmed by all the gaps that come with this form of communication. I'm done with that dynamic!!
So true
exactly!
Absolutely, it definitely played a role in killing my relationship with my FA gf
True. But it also acts as a barrier/shield for FA so they feel safe to hide their feelings. Also since it's not live they don't feel the pressure to immidieately reply or even at all. My FA's reasoning is that texting is more accurate which is the oppisite, especially for more emotional conv. I just went along when they refused to meet up or call for awhile so they went through the deactivation period.
Wow, this goes for friendships too. I pull away and isolate when I’m stressed, then go so long without texting that I feel bad and then get scared to go back. I will eventually come back with my tail between my legs but it’s so annoying lol
same
😆🤣
You’re not alone!
Same 100%
You are so honest. Awareness is everything!❤
Thais, I love this script you provided for having a dialogue about their behaviors, "I noticed 'that we didn't chat' (or) 'that we didn't communicate for a little while in here'. What was going on with you? (Or), what was happening? Is there anything I can do? This is what I need in these situations... Are you available to offer that?". And, if I am the one, just be honest. "I have a lot on my plate (or, going on or whatever it might be) right now (for texting). I am not that available right now.
I love this script because I have practiced Harville Hendrix, author of "Getting the Love You Want" and "Keeping the Love You Find" Behavior Change Request technique. I find this hard to practice with someone I don't have a contract with to practice it, so they understand what I am doing. This is the perfect script to talk with these people! 💕 I especially like the part of asking them "what can I do?", because when have a contract with another to do this, the other knows they can ask for changes in my behavior. This script sets the container that we are in this together or as partners in co-creating this relationship! 💕🌟
I can not believe i've been an FA this whole time! Me, avoidant? Now i get why i've been so frustrating to people lol. I get like that a lot! Like Cody Jinks sings - "I cry and yell- leave me the hell alone." Sometimes i just wanna be left alone and everyone personalizes it. I feel bad for the DA's in my life cos i relaize im kind of a hypocrite lol
I go cold in an instant when i notice red flags. It’s almost comical when someone complaints that i went from so warm and interested to cold, when the reason i did that was because of something they did, like for example they ignored my last texts or acted selfish and shady. Still they didn’t see it coming that someone would withdraw after that. I do come on strong in the beginning if i’m interested, but it’s only in the beginning i dare to do that. Unless the person show strong interest afterwards
Thank you for your reply and personal experience on the subject :-) You’re right that i shouldn’t assume bad behaviour without knowing and act on it. I used to give benefit of the doubt and not go cold when i was ignored or got dismissiv answers on texts even though it felt wrong, but it turned out that every time i actually was being played and used. One time i got it wrong though. I thought i was being played and it turned out to be a misunderstanding. But that guy called and asked what was going on, i could hear he was sincere and was therefor able to be honest and open with him, and didn’t go cold on him ever again.
That’s why i hate texting, i can’t see them so i feel more vulnerable and anxious. If someone give a blunt and short response i feel rejected, and stupid if i keep texting. I read it as «leave me alone» and stop talking to them. It always feels weird when someone thought i went cold for no reason, i would never do that. But to explain this, i have to know that i can trust the other person and that he’s sincere
Wow, i really recognize your experiences and feelings. I wasn’t aware of my attachment style as well, didn’t think i was good enough or worthty of love and morphed myself into whatever the (usually DA’s) wanted, but at the same time i was running on fight or flight doing this. I feel blessed that i came across Thais here on TH-cam and learned so much. But like you, i have also gone from the version of myself where i abandoned my one needs for others to the other «extreme», where i don’t want to date anymore and if i do i don’t have my heart in it. But at least my boundaries are stronger.
You sound like a wise and reflected person, i’m happy for you that you have been able to work on yourself and come a long way. Wish you healing and love as well 💛
FA’s unite! You describe us well. 😌
@lisa Lee,
Did you seriously just finger point about Red Flags when you, like many of us are members of an insecure attachment style??? Please look in the mirror when discussing red flags in relationships. Stop assigning character flaw or assuming intent of others when many of us; you included are struggling with all the underlying issues assigned to your attachment style.
So true. If I go missing it’s to recharge my batteries. I avoid the situation of explaining because from my own experience if I explain before hand people always worry and think they need to “help” me feel better when really I just need alone time and if I explain afterwards I get accused of things or called inconsiderate.
Same. I just disappear and I like having the freedom to do so. I actually did that recently and drove out of state for a week. I started posting pics of my vaca, then as soon as people started commenting I immediately deleted the posts. It felt invasive even though I was inviting them in. Disappearing is so comforting to me.
Man I needed to find this video. Game changer! I see her pattern now.
Purchased the advanced fearful avoidant attachment course this morning, thank you 🙏🏽 I have learned so much already 😳😩 so thankful to have such amazing information online. Thank you for all that you do 🥰🙏🏽
Can you please do videos about texting expectations while trying to reconcile with an ex?
as an FA I actually have to convince myself to talk to my friends when I'm overwhelmed by something. not just sit around alone and ruminate and cry and wait til the dark coulds disappear. the bigger the problem the less capacity I have to actually want the presence of anyone until I figure it out. weird
Wow.. Saaammee.
@Globe Lights I go back no problem, no hesitation. these are people that are in my life since I don't even know. almost 20 years. I miss them, of course. I'm FA leaning secure (except when someone is really anxious, I go into dismissive). sometimes I tell them I don't feel great, I'll be back in some time. sometimes I just pull back, they don't push, and I come back and I tell them what happened or what is happening. but if someone is not so introspective I doubt they would be so considerate, even I wasn't this considerate for a long time. and I'm 33 now. I'm willingly trying to behave more and more secure. and not from my instincts.
@Globe Lights HI, FA here. I always go back if i withdrew because of personal stress. If i withdrew out of being disrespected or not having my love reciprocated - not so much
@Globe Lights I can't speak for all other FAs but if I break up with someone, it's a thunderstorm mostly. I think one person was the exception and that's all. I blow up and leave, because mostly some kind of disrespect causing me to leave. or repeated disrespect. and not even god himself could drag me back, unless a lot of time passed and the other person visibly changed the behaviour that forced me to leave. what you are talking about can be slow fading though. Susan Winter has an excellent video about it. people who are doing this have one thing in common: they hate confrontation and want to project a good image. certainly not one that says "I hurt people for no good reason". so they slowly disappear, hoping the other person won't notice :D it's ridiculous but it exists. so it can be many things. but if something is not okay for you, speak up for yourself and if he/she doesn't change anything, you know everything to have a decision. doesn't matter really if they are fa or da or what.
oh and I don't even pull away for weeks. it's just I dont respond in full sentences for 1-2-5 days or something. but it's not weeks, not months long. if I pulled away for weeks, it's probably for good and I tell the person it's over, I just can't for some reason. mostly I do have a reason and I share it with them. but as I said I'm pretty secure with the ones I have no stress with in the relationship. so maybe I'm not the best example.
So the question I'm left with is this. If an FA pulls away because they're overwhelmed, and continues to feel overwhelmed because they haven't responded at all. How do you reach out to let them know you care still, without pressuring them or pushing them away? and how long should you wait to do so?
I'm a FA and I have a really hard time trusting people and their words because I've been let down by words so many times. I also don't like surprises so showing up unexpectedly might not be the best route. Not sure if you're still in this situation, but a simple "Take all the space you need. Just know I love you." would suffice. 💗
It’s on them to do their work to realize that relationships are not traps, and recondition their fears. Give them space when they ask for it, but also ask them for reassurance. “Hey, hope you’re doing well, I love you. Talk soon? No pressure.” Avoidance is from trauma so if they are not willing to reprogram from running away from their partners, you should just cut them loose and move on.
Thank you for these texting videos Thais. The whole thing stresses me out and you make me feel like a normal human :)
PLEASE make more content on this and strategies to resolve it. Oh my god. I’m an FA and relate so much to this. xD Been actively working on it but sometimes I can’t tell if my instant deactivating is a good thing? Or not...Basically, in the dating phase, if someone comes on super strong super fast, it’s an immediate turn off because it feels surface level? I want to get to know each other first. I want a person who goes at my pace. Though, I also understand I’m a unique person in that I open up and share a lot of myself. I am warm and quick to genuinely compliment as well...So, it makes sense that someone might genuinely be interested more quickly than I am. I tend to go v slowly. But, once I do develop strong feelings/choose them/commit, I give 110%...It’s complicated. 😂 I’ve also gotten very good at not letting avoidance activate me anymore. It’s now a turn off when someone isn’t in a place to invest or isn’t interested in me, which is wonderful. :D But I still struggle with my instant deactivating whenever I see a hint of a red flag. xD
I really struggle with that pattern of being super present and emotionally connected one minute and then falling off the next because it takes a lot out of me? I guess...Been really trying to work on balance and getting more consistent (during dating phase). Relationship phase, I’m a lot better.
Setting clear expectations is a really good idea. Think it’ll make it a lot more manageable. Truly, I want to share myself with someone. I’m so excited to do that now. But these patterns are popping up...Thank you for this video. :)
Im FA and I actually dont care about too many texts if Im really interested. I was going out with a guy and we were talking everyday. Sometimes a lot, other we would just answer during the day and it was fine. I liked it. I think he was FA too.
You have said that consistency is key with a FA. What does consistency look when our partner (FA) is on this rolllercoaster?
This video described me perfectly especially since I’m an FA leaning Anxious.
I’m an FA dating an FA and this has started happening😩 We’re long distance and he was FaceTiming me everyday for a couple months until some stressful things started happening at work, and then he stopped completely. He makes it a point to still text me which is good but I still brought it to his attention. I just hope he doesn’t feel the need to burn himself out to please me because that’s what I feel happened. Honestly I don’t even like being on the phone that much either but I was doing it because he was the one calling me so much!! 🤦🏽♀️😂 and now I’m only bothered because he stopped🙄
lolllllll the last two sentences killed me 😂😂😂
Sura S foreal!!😂😂😂If he only FaceTimed me once a week I would’ve been cool with that 🤷🏽♀️.. It’s the sudden inconsistency for me🤨! I should’ve told him it was excessive a little sooner though I guess 😒🙄lol
@@Sunfl0w33r girl I feel you. As much as a gesture can be annoying its like wtff when it stops lollll
@Sunflow3r FA here. I was in a similar dynamic where I was communicating with someone via text (per her comfort parameters) since she expressed she wasn't a 'phone' person and was not yet ready for video chat. I obliged as I respected her and want her to feel safe. Mind you, I'm not a 'text' person...being a co-dependent people pleaser, I went along with texting back and forth for almost 2 weeks of daily texting & deep connection and eventually found myself completely overwhelmed and burned out😥 I had to detach and honestly, as much as I care about her and was interested in getting to know her more, as I'm writing this..I'm in a place where I feel as though it's highly unlikely that I'll resume contact. I should also mention that we haven't met in person...per her comfort and safety parameters so that probably doesn't help either. In all fairness, the situation motivated me to enroll in PDS to do more healing work bc clearly, I can use it.
@@calture5086 did you communicate with her about how you felt?
I really love this style of video from all the different perceptions! I hope you do more of them on different topics! They’re so helpful and insightful!
This is one of my fave videos you've ever done! Thank you!
I met a really SEEMED to be a nice guy, no kids, lived close, good looking. Every time I mentioned meeting (after 2 weeks). He always made excuses & it was always my fault. At the 1 month mark I brought it up again. He said 'You are going to have to learn how to keep this man." WHAT? I said good bye. I told him I blocked him, I didn:t. He has reached out a few times. I didn't answer. I am too old for this.
Same.
We were texting chapters for the first week! I got overwhelmed and said this hoping he’d just call. A few days past and he reached out again via text. I’m now finding him boring he’s also so emotionally unavailable. I also noticed I was leading our conversation topics he was literally just responding. No real quality conversation. I’m conflicted here as I am deactivating but no we are not in a relationship so can’t expect anything.
Have you ever spelled out the phases? I don’t recall, but you refer to them a lot. Thanks!
Look it up on google, its a well known study, she just adds a dating phase as an extra first phass
Yes, in many videos in fact. Check out a video in her channel with title "how the 6 stages of relationship impact your romance"
These are the phases of a romantic relationship (a refresher) -
1. Dating
2. Honeymoon
3. Power struggle
4. Stability
5. Commitment
6. Bliss
Very helpful. Thank you!
Lol, I’m an FA leaning anxious and I was in love with a girl who was also an FA. She was like really present for a day or two and then there were not a single message for like 3 days. Or sometimes she was just quickly replying something and it felt like a really cold and distant communication 😅
That's exactly how we are....especially if we lean more dismissive. That's why I always said I could never date another me. 😂 My DA is starting to get me after a couple of years. He called it my "disappearing thing" once. I actually opened up a little recently and said that I am trying to catch myself from completely going quiet now. I might take a day, but that's a huge improvement from several days, weeks or even months for me. It's a struggle.
This is one of my favorite videos of yours, thais.
The Air Force guy I dated was chasing me really hard at the beginning. If I don’t respond, he just kept texting me. I blocked him, he used a new phone number to text and I blocked that too, so he started texting me on social media. He did it to other girls he was chasing as well. During the relationship, he was texting me every day and call me one or twice a day for almost a year. Then just disappeared for a day and sent me a breakup text out of no where said he is not interested anymore because there’s something missing romantically. I dated some other men from the military, and they act quite the same too
Wow so accurate
oh man, i am SO bad with texting sometimes 😣
I Love how we can all laugh at ourselves in comments and make fun of ourselves!! Laughter is Key😂
So great information thank you
It seems like these videos are getting shorter and shorter. Not much info any more.
Thank you :)
Hello Thais how do we as handle or approach the fa when the go into this type.of withdraw but extreme and it been a long time...I'm scared that my fa ex with end up getting health complications at this current state of extreme withdraw and suppressing, she doesn't have a supportive, living and caring groupof family or friends and so.eone she can truly trust besides me when we were still dating?
What do you suggest she can do and do you recommend I reach out to her and meet up with her physically so she can atleast have so.eone to talk too?
My fave video of yours. Nailed it.
I have more experience now and this is so true.
My FA ex calls/txts me daily but does not want to get back together. Thais, the emotional connection is there; but I notice when I try to flirt he steps back a bit, what advice would you have for me? He also makes sure to see me 1-2 times per week so he confuses me. I even caught him checking me out the other day too!
@Globe Lights thank you for your response. I don’t know if he is dating or seeing anyone but I guess I should ask. I’ll do that next time I talk to him.
He is probably going back and forth in his head about what he wants but he clearly likes you. When I really like someone my mind will find all the reasons why it wont work and so I don't know what to do because I want to spend time with them but have conflicting thoughts.
@@suras8984 awe thank you this is very helpful. I figure I just give him time and let him contact me so I don’t put too much pressure on him. I know he cares a lot for me but I miss being able to kiss and hug him.
@@no1zzle3 Why did he say he doesn't want to get back together?
@@suras8984 he said there were a couple reasons, he felt I was controlling and he said he wasn’t ready for a woman like me, that I was his first real relationship. He also said we moved in together too fast even though neither of us initiated it, it just happened.
In typical fa fashion, its all about them.
Jesus. It’s like a horoscope taken to extreme, but muddled in “science”.
It's called attachment theory.