This isn't a link on rules, but if this might help you with fertility issues, if you haven't tried already, still praying for you both 🙏🙌 th-cam.com/video/bTnO-o_FiQE/w-d-xo.html
These are my rules for girls 2 & 5, backed by therapists involved: - Everybody packs up their own toys, cleans their own plate, makes their own bed, wipes their own spills, puts their own clothes in wash (obviously with me following) - For misbehaviour they get told to stop and why, 2nd time is a warning, then 3 is a timeout - There are 3 “Golden Rules” which require NO warning, it’s instant time out and a consequence. The 3 Golden Rules are No physical violence, No verbal abuse, No deliberately damaging/breaking something that isn’t yours. (Hurting someone with your body, hurting someone with your words, hurting someone’s property) - Consequences are loss of a planned fun activity that day or a toy for the day (child picks which consequence) - They are NEVER forced to say sorry, or stop crying or ‘calm down’ - They are never forced to share or play together but ARE forced to take turns (yes it’s a difference) - They have full body autonomy (the right to say NO to hair brush, bath, hugs, clothes they don’t like, food etc) Given opportunities to consent to alternative options instead. This means they do consent more readily overall and everything goes so much smoother as they are the boss of their body - Rewards are fun activities together and stickers which add up to a new toy
Be consistent, that's the most important thing. Choose battles wisely, lots of positive reinforcement, a sticker chart with ten stickers they get an hour with one on one time with a parent, three time outs they loose a sticker.
@@HappyHoppe positive things, listened first time, you saw them be nice to a sibling, got chores done without fighting or complaing, they offered to set the table,, anything you see them doing that you like, " catch them being good" it's random low key ...not meant to put pressure on anyone ( I only had one foster boy , a 5 year old that had adhd and a traumatic head injury) for almost a year. I used cards that had wrong behavior on one side and right on the other. I got them from a church gal. I also used beads on a bracelet rather than stickers ...but same concept
from my experience as a child when a parent assigns a chore as a punishment for bad behavior then chores that nobody want's to do anyway become associated to be a punishment which can created bad work ethic with really hating chores, cleaning the house becomes not the action to have a nice house first but a punishment which is not good
Yeah, i don't get how spanking can be "healthy". If no hurts is a rule, then the parents would be breaking that rule and making it void and hypocritical if they were able to use corporal punishment
@@shaniae.8121 it's not okay for you to hit me when I do something you don't like but it's okay for me to hit you when you do something I don't like. That's such an unhealthy boundary
@@Rubberducky24688 I was, thankfully, never spanked as a kid as my parents felt the same way as you guys. That if I'm not supposed to hit other people, then hitting me is wrong. Spanking was more for play in our family, like playfully slapping my big brother with a hand towel or giving each other birthday spanks and such. Harmless things like that. Sooooo to say that I had an, shall we call it interesting gut reaction when she kinda, at least to me, made it seem like she would continue spanking her own kids just because she was when she was a kid.... Even though she said she hated it and dreaded it happening every time. Sooooooo..... I'm actually a little confused as to why she would want to do it to her own kids anyways???
We have been trying to do natural consequences with our older kiddos. Ie: if you don’t put your shoes away and can’t find them then you have to wear other shoes or if you don’t eat a snack when told it was snack time then you wait until lunch (obviously we don’t starve them) but it’s similar to like you do with taking away toys when not used properly. Same with lying. If you lie you have to earn back our trust. I love your rules and probably will steal them! :)
Great ideas! For lying, how do you help them earn back trust? That one we have a hard time knowing how to provide consequences for that help them learn.
Excellent video. As a foster parent in Indiana I can relate totally. They do not ask for your house rules until after the child arrives and it took a while, but the kids and myself developed house rules.
Consistently and explanation. Children like to know the reason behind why they are being punished. Say one child is says something mean to the other child...explain to them how it hurts the other child. That they may be angry or upset with said child but what they said hurt the other child. Have the other child say how it made them feel. They understand then. Hope that helps. I think you're doing great ❤
Former foster youth here, and I don't think House Rules made me feel safe or loved. It made foster care feel like a jail and that you were seen as someone who needed to be controlled and treated like a small child. I was in foster care from when I was 12-18 so it was likely older then your kids. It's not like I can't follow rules - I got very used to it and when I enlisted in the Air Force when I turned 19, it really didn't feel much different than most of the foster homes I lived in. I really felt like the rules in foster homes were about trying to minimize the impact foster kids had on the parents' lives and make us easier to deal with. I would mess with foster parents whatever way I could be breaking rules, but I never went all that far. But one of the best experiences I had in foster care was one foster brother was being kicked out and while waiting for his worker to pick him up (with rather close supervision) he unscrewed the leg off of an Ikea end table and used it to smash a tv and stuff around the family room. They were super strict and it was just so satisfying seeing their stuff smashed. Seriously recommend not being so overt with the rules that you made kids want to smash up your house. I never did anything that bad, but I understand the urge because when there is such insane obsession over the rules in so many homes, it makes you want to fight back and that ends up ruining the lives of kids who just break and can't take it anymore.
I’m sorry you had that experience. That sounds very rigid and hard. We would have these same rules regardless of foster or bio kids. Rules are like guardrails on a curvy mountain road - they are there for our protection and safety. Our 3 rules are followed by everyone in the house (including my husband and me) to ensure everyone is safe and respected ❤️
Thanks for the rules. In NC they don't ask for the rules before the child/children come into the home. I want to make our rules simple too. I don't want the the kids to be overwhelmed and like you if I make too many I may forget. We have been trying to write/speak more positively. I think some situations you might have to say "no" to get a behavior to stop quickly rather than trying to find the right positive words in a situation that requires a quick response. I'll take your rules and incorporate them with Crazy Middles as well as our rules. One family I watched said they made the rules after the kids got into the home to tailor it to the kids so I'm also wondering about that. Maybe just have simple rules to start and then if the ones I have don't fit the kiddos then change it up. Also, did you have these rules from day one? Another family said they gave the kids a few days to adjust before enforcing the rules but I've also seen others say to share the rules with the kids right away. There's probably no easy answer and every situation is different just wondering your opinion. Also, I love the board with the 4 sayings.
We didn't have the 3 rules before we were placed with kids, but created it didn't after and shared them with the kids and then referred to them often. Yeah, you'll have to figure out what works best for your house and the kids you'll have in care
What rules and/or consequences work well in your home?
This isn't a link on rules, but if this might help you with fertility issues, if you haven't tried already, still praying for you both 🙏🙌
th-cam.com/video/bTnO-o_FiQE/w-d-xo.html
These are my rules for girls 2 & 5, backed by therapists involved:
- Everybody packs up their own toys, cleans their own plate, makes their own bed, wipes their own spills, puts their own clothes in wash (obviously with me following)
- For misbehaviour they get told to stop and why, 2nd time is a warning, then 3 is a timeout
- There are 3 “Golden Rules” which require NO warning, it’s instant time out and a consequence. The 3 Golden Rules are No physical violence, No verbal abuse, No deliberately damaging/breaking something that isn’t yours. (Hurting someone with your body, hurting someone with your words, hurting someone’s property)
- Consequences are loss of a planned fun activity that day or a toy for the day (child picks which consequence)
- They are NEVER forced to say sorry, or stop crying or ‘calm down’
- They are never forced to share or play together but ARE forced to take turns (yes it’s a difference)
- They have full body autonomy (the right to say NO to hair brush, bath, hugs, clothes they don’t like, food etc) Given opportunities to consent to alternative options instead. This means they do consent more readily overall and everything goes so much smoother as they are the boss of their body
- Rewards are fun activities together and stickers which add up to a new toy
Thanks for putting all this in your comment! Good stuff :)
Be consistent, that's the most important thing. Choose battles wisely, lots of positive reinforcement, a sticker chart with ten stickers they get an hour with one on one time with a parent, three time outs they loose a sticker.
Yes, we've done sticker charts! I like the idea for 1 on 1 time - what sort of things earn stickers?
@@HappyHoppe positive things, listened first time, you saw them be nice to a sibling, got chores done without fighting or complaing, they offered to set the table,, anything you see them doing that you like, " catch them being good" it's random low key ...not meant to put pressure on anyone ( I only had one foster boy , a 5 year old that had adhd and a traumatic head injury) for almost a year. I used cards that had wrong behavior on one side and right on the other. I got them from a church gal. I also used beads on a bracelet rather than stickers ...but same concept
@@Kw24509 love this! Good idea to catch them being good to encourage that!
from my experience as a child when a parent assigns a chore as a punishment for bad behavior then chores that nobody want's to do anyway become associated to be a punishment which can created bad work ethic with really hating chores, cleaning the house becomes not the action to have a nice house first but a punishment which is not good
Thanks for sharing :)
With all due respect but spanking is NEVER OK.
Yeah, i don't get how spanking can be "healthy". If no hurts is a rule, then the parents would be breaking that rule and making it void and hypocritical if they were able to use corporal punishment
@@shaniae.8121 it's not okay for you to hit me when I do something you don't like but it's okay for me to hit you when you do something I don't like. That's such an unhealthy boundary
@@Rubberducky24688 I was, thankfully, never spanked as a kid as my parents felt the same way as you guys. That if I'm not supposed to hit other people, then hitting me is wrong. Spanking was more for play in our family, like playfully slapping my big brother with a hand towel or giving each other birthday spanks and such. Harmless things like that. Sooooo to say that I had an, shall we call it interesting gut reaction when she kinda, at least to me, made it seem like she would continue spanking her own kids just because she was when she was a kid.... Even though she said she hated it and dreaded it happening every time. Sooooooo..... I'm actually a little confused as to why she would want to do it to her own kids anyways???
@camrynmcgarry2117 I think its a religious thing. Some strong Christian groups promote and encourage it.
Love the board with the 4 sayings! So encouraging!🤗❤️
Thanks! Highly recommend the book "Discipline that connects with your child's heart"
@@HappyHoppe I’ll order it today! Thank you!
We have been trying to do natural consequences with our older kiddos. Ie: if you don’t put your shoes away and can’t find them then you have to wear other shoes or if you don’t eat a snack when told it was snack time then you wait until lunch (obviously we don’t starve them) but it’s similar to like you do with taking away toys when not used properly. Same with lying. If you lie you have to earn back our trust. I love your rules and probably will steal them! :)
Great ideas! For lying, how do you help them earn back trust? That one we have a hard time knowing how to provide consequences for that help them learn.
Excellent video. As a foster parent in Indiana I can relate totally. They do not ask for your house rules until after the child arrives and it took a while, but the kids and myself developed house rules.
Consistently and explanation. Children like to know the reason behind why they are being punished. Say one child is says something mean to the other child...explain to them how it hurts the other child. That they may be angry or upset with said child but what they said hurt the other child. Have the other child say how it made them feel. They understand then. Hope that helps. I think you're doing great ❤
Thanks! That's great advice to make sure feelings are expressed :)
Former foster youth here, and I don't think House Rules made me feel safe or loved. It made foster care feel like a jail and that you were seen as someone who needed to be controlled and treated like a small child. I was in foster care from when I was 12-18 so it was likely older then your kids. It's not like I can't follow rules - I got very used to it and when I enlisted in the Air Force when I turned 19, it really didn't feel much different than most of the foster homes I lived in. I really felt like the rules in foster homes were about trying to minimize the impact foster kids had on the parents' lives and make us easier to deal with. I would mess with foster parents whatever way I could be breaking rules, but I never went all that far. But one of the best experiences I had in foster care was one foster brother was being kicked out and while waiting for his worker to pick him up (with rather close supervision) he unscrewed the leg off of an Ikea end table and used it to smash a tv and stuff around the family room. They were super strict and it was just so satisfying seeing their stuff smashed. Seriously recommend not being so overt with the rules that you made kids want to smash up your house. I never did anything that bad, but I understand the urge because when there is such insane obsession over the rules in so many homes, it makes you want to fight back and that ends up ruining the lives of kids who just break and can't take it anymore.
I’m sorry you had that experience. That sounds very rigid and hard. We would have these same rules regardless of foster or bio kids.
Rules are like guardrails on a curvy mountain road - they are there for our protection and safety. Our 3 rules are followed by everyone in the house (including my husband and me) to ensure everyone is safe and respected ❤️
Thanks for the rules. In NC they don't ask for the rules before the child/children come into the home. I want to make our rules simple too. I don't want the the kids to be overwhelmed and like you if I make too many I may forget. We have been trying to write/speak more positively. I think some situations you might have to say "no" to get a behavior to stop quickly rather than trying to find the right positive words in a situation that requires a quick response. I'll take your rules and incorporate them with Crazy Middles as well as our rules. One family I watched said they made the rules after the kids got into the home to tailor it to the kids so I'm also wondering about that. Maybe just have simple rules to start and then if the ones I have don't fit the kiddos then change it up. Also, did you have these rules from day one? Another family said they gave the kids a few days to adjust before enforcing the rules but I've also seen others say to share the rules with the kids right away. There's probably no easy answer and every situation is different just wondering your opinion. Also, I love the board with the 4 sayings.
We didn't have the 3 rules before we were placed with kids, but created it didn't after and shared them with the kids and then referred to them often.
Yeah, you'll have to figure out what works best for your house and the kids you'll have in care
@@HappyHoppe Thanks for replying back. You really have been helpful throughout the process.