Meanwhile you’ve got some TH-cam creators out there reminding people about notifications every freakin video like the feature hasn’t been available for the past several years.
I’ve yet to see time stamps ever though this is an older video, so here you go! ESTP: 3:40 👑INTP👑 and ISTP: 4:20 INFJ: 5:53 ENFJ and ESFJ: 6:32 ENTP: 7:49 ISFJ: 8:29 INTJ: 9:41 ISFP: 10:48 ESFP: 11:27 ENFP: 12:18 INFP: 12:51 ISTJ: 13:46 ESTJ and ENTJ: 14:44
"entps are strange I could just stop there-" lmaoo that's true tho, i pretty much avoid attachment but then i find myself lowkey craving for it but in general sometimes gets way too contradictory
Yes finally someone who doesn't bring back the usual messy INFP ! Most of the INFPs I know -I even dare to include myself in it-, are the glue that keeps the friends group together thanks to a melting pot of discreet attentions, genuine sweetness & empathy. There's so much love & attention to give, and people always need it. Being first scared of people, or opening very slowly doesn't mean being asocial or having nothing to bring to the world. Once you've accepted yourself, the world becomes full of wonderful people. Once you've accepted yourself, you're not anymore the most important thing in the world and that's when INFPs are capable of giving so much to others as they unlocked their empathetic side which helps analyzing people very well. And YES, such a person belongs to the secure category rather than being doomed to be considered self-depreciative or a social burdain to others. Honestly, I'm so tired of this sometimes ridiculously darked or mocked take on INFPs here on youtube that right now, I just want to hug you.
Honestly... I know a good number of healthy INFPs irl but I hardly see them online which is probably why there is this notion on the internet that healthy INFPs are hard to find
Quite! I've been growing so much in the past couple years, and socialising now I'm noticing how much more comfortable I am in my skin - still not totally at ease with where I'm at, but my focus on people is giving them space to express and being authentic about myself, rather than analysing them and how I come across. It's perhaps a subtle change but it also feels profound and liberating. I come away from interactions smiling inside, and not going over what I said and feeling silly (at least not as much haha).
My daughter is INFP, and is confident and secure. Yes she has a bit of the INFP insecurities, but she overcomes them to live a exciting life. She is currently in Europe doing a semester abroad. My spouse and I were very conscious to give her a better upbringing the we got, and we have been paid back many times over.
I'm INTJ and my wife is ENFP. Her anxious and my avoidant styles were getting out of hand at first since both styles amplify each other. I would get more avoidant as she would get more anxious, which in turn would make her more anxious, which in turn would make me more avoidant... a vicious cycle. Learning about our weaknesses taught us how to stabilise each other and not push each other to the extremes. This is a very important topic especially for younger couples. I think it would be a great follow up if you create a video on how different styles can be identified and how couples could resolve tensions in their relationships.
Me, too!! It took YEARS of introspection, leaving my comfort zone, and learning how to trust people with my heart. I got a few bumps and bruises along the way, but I'm so much stronger for it. Congratulations! 🥳
Now from my personal experience: ENTP - avoidant/secure ESTP - anxious ISFP - anxious INTP - fearful-avoidant INFP - fearful-avoidant/anxious Now me INFJ - between anxious and secure. People are strange.
I'm an INFJ with an ISFJ and I'd say we're both anxious at our worst and secure at our best but overall more secure ☺️ it's the best relationship I've ever had.
That’s a tough combo there I’m an ISTP with an ESFJ and the my use of Ni can complete baffle her. She knows I love fun and a bit of danger, But she learned when I say no to something I have considered all variables and decided it was large risk and wasn’t worth it.
INFJ : fearful-avoidant. Need space and intimacy but can’t seem to feel satisfied with either so vacillate between them to devastating effect. Lessened with age but wouldn’t call it secure by any means. Probably a result of childhood trauma and may not apply to other INFJs.
no childhood trauma, but same. for me it's all in or all out and that often makes me a very toxic/abusive person to be in a relationship with, if i'm not in a good place.
speaking as a mostly anxious infj, i strongly agree. it feels wrong to be categorized as secure when i'm almost constantly worrying that i'll be abandoned without warning. it really is a struggle,,
ENTP. I think that avoidant is accurate in the sense that I want to thoroughly vet someone before I give them a chance to see anything vulnerable about me. Partly because I want to be right in my choice of dating companion, but also because the flirty interim period in between meeting and dating is VERY fun. But I will say that when someone captures my attention and keeps it I become a little obsessed and probably more on the anxious side.
INTJ here, I never met an ENTP. I am pretty curious about the ENTP, because ENFP, ENTP and INFP are for me the best choice. Can you tell me something about yourself?
@@erikdekker1 ENTP here too. Like Sophie said: Messy, definitely! & PROcrastinators Idk if this is all ENTP, so I'm sorry for generalizing.... We want to settle in and not be messy, we crave to have some kind of routine or at least fixed habits, but we struggle a lot with it. Cleaning the house doesn't sound as fun as watching random youtube videos 😅 We'll eventually do it, but last minute. We're not as debaters as the stereotype makes us be, at least I'm not. Well, I do refute people's ideas and arguments but in my head. I just feel like most times it's not worth the effort to try and convince someone that their idea is wrong, so I just let them be. We are sarcastic and we do have a very particular sense of humor that is not for everyone 🤭 I know I'm talking as "we" but I'm talking about myself and some ENTP I know, also from comments I've seen online. But I think that can give u a general idea about us 😊
I’m INFP, I feel like I can be pretty avoidant, but when I’m in a healthy relationship or friendship I tend to engage more. The neurotic stereotype definitely doesn’t translate to fearful/anxious behavior for me, I feel zero fear and like I could get on in life without human contact, but when I see the value of connection I do embrace my closest relationships. I can tend to get emotional overwhelm though and get into avoidant patterns, just wanting to shut off the world around me and empathy for people’s problems can plague me if I don’t tend to myself. So, at my healthiest, I feel secure, but I can slip into being quite detached and unavailable at times and maybe not invest as much I should in the other person.
INFP here and i can relate except for the avoidant part in friendship yes although it rarely happens and for a romantic relationship i can feel anxious here and there never avoidant
As an INFJ, I'd say I definitely fall into the anxious-secure category, if that even makes sense. I can tell a partner's mood or day from just the tone of their voice. So if I keep talking to them and be with them in close proximity, I feel secure and confident but as soon as I deal with less communication and long distance, my brain becomes super anxious and sabotages everything.
I agree, I was thinking something similar! I take other people's moods personally and then avoid them thinking I'm part of the problem, which creates an actual conflict 😅 But I'm more self aware and working on it lately. I don't love having such a sensitive internal barometer of how other people feel sometimes.
You make an _amazing_ point at 13:25, about surface problems versus smoothing things over and having deeper, unaddressed issues in FI versus FE. Definitely did a lot of swimming in the latter pool.
I'm INFP. I find surface level relationships quite difficult but am wonderfully secure when I get deep. And with deepness comes a lot of difficulties. I'm secure and stable in the depths of myself, and others, when dealing with quite emotional and challenigng stuff, but anxious in surface relationships. But I just can't seem to do the whole 'expected' thing in normal human relationships. I think its because it feels just slightly inauthentic and meaningless. I have an INFJ husband and he is great at the whole social nicess, keep everything harmonious and lovely thing. Whereas I'm always in the corner either sorting my stuff out, or helping someone sort theirs out. And both are needed.
I feel like as an INTJ, that I really crave deep relationships where I trust the person and feel like sharing ideas with them. I feel like I am halfway between Avoident and Fearful-Avoident because I do avoid emotional stuff (and find it odd that people go purely off their emotions a lot of the time without thinking something through) but I do crave attachment to a few people. If I do find those people that I trust, I am still scared to open up to them but I still want that intimacy. I read a lot in the comments that if you had a worse childhood that you'd pick the Fearful-Avoident, but I think it is the opposite. Since I was raised well with people who truly love me and want the best for me, then I find myself wanting to open up to people more; whereas, if I hadn't been raised that way then I would probably just avoid intimacy altogether.
I’m very surprised we INFPs were put in secure. I actually think there might be something to be said for there being a possible split in giving vs receiving? I have little to no romantic experience to relay but based on friendships I’ve had I can say that I’m secure in the giving sense but anxious or even fearful-avoidant in the receiving realm. I feel I can see others with enough clarity to offer what they’ll need but I’m something of a mess in accepting of the same. Recipe for disaster, so in spite of the want being great I can shy away from people for this reason. Not trying to overextend and say that’s all INFPs and I’m actually thrilled we’re not automatically dumped into a category with negative connotations here, this is just my experience.
With cognitive stack characteristics. It's always a matter of Proclivities - since all types use all cognitive functions at varying degrees. The Personality type designations are found along the spectrums of these varying degrees .
@@antonyka-pra-ra This is why being too insistent on a type’s “destiny” to adhere to a certain style (Or any behavioral pattern) is a no go I suppose, no matter how satisfying compartmentalizing is in the short-term. :)
@@bespectacledheroine7292 yes, an excellent consideration to remember. I think a mostly overlooked opportunity is looking at and hopefully improving the lower vibrations of a type , to reflect on their prevalence with past behaviors and actions.
I'm surprised only based on stereotypes, and on how many unhealthy/unhappy INFPs I've seen in these comment sections, who don't represent all of us but can sway perceptions of our type a lot. I don't think I have too much of an issue in the receiving realm; the only thing is that I'm very independent and tend to prefer to solve my own problems. I'm also very picky about a lot of things, especially matters of taste, and when it comes to things like gift-giving, I more often hit the mark for other people than vice versa.
ENFP here. It's not that I'm afraid of commitment, I'm just afraid to have my heart shattered again by someone who doesn't care yet pretends to care. No surprise that you put us down as anxious.
I think the INFP secure categorization is based on the average INFP. I think as an INFP the reason why it feels wrong is because of Fi constantly questioning the notion. The thing is should an INFP value logic and knows when to eat the pride burger then I guess the chance of ruminating and being in a rut is lessen. INFPs tend to have an echo chamber of just Fi and Si being the worst jury they can be, which gives that feeling of detachment to the physical world which can inevitably cause an INFP to think they are in anxious side of things, due to Fi not really being the fastest of judges and the INFP's ability to hold to contradictory notions at once. INFPs as well have a very self righteous idea of making the partner happy in emotional matters as well as this unhealthy notion of keeping it to ourselves due to the Fi-Si loop which can drain the hell out of us, making us more detached or look more detach should we opt for more "me time". The take away I have is, its NOT the INFP that is anxious, the situation we find ourselves in is.
As an INFP, it doesn't feel wrong to me. But the truth is, there are plenty of INFPs who are in fact anxious, or depressed, or unhealthy in some other way. And that goes for all types - it can just be more obvious for us since we're so in touch with and apt to prioritize our feelings.
INFJ: I was thinking we would be put in avoidant or fearful avoidant but then Nathan said the exact opposite 😅 Now that i'm getting older, i think i can understand the secure attachment style. But, like he said, that should come naturally in the future for any type. I think that, stereotypically, INFJ would be put in the fearful avoidant category. We crave deep connections but we rationalize everything with our Ni-Ti loop. It's difficult to live in the moment, trust in others, show our vulnerabilities, and it's also hard to let go of toxic relationships because we tend to be quite tolerant and understanding of people.
INTJ confirmation: avoidant when younger/stressed, but generally secure. Do not relate to possessiveness or anxiousness around relationships, which turns some people off as it might appear unresponsive.
Agree. Personally this INTJ is what is usually called ‘picky’ but it’s just that I can tell straight away if someone might be suitable or not at all, and not a lot of people fall in the first group unfortunately. So this could come across as ‘avoidant’ but when someone might be suitable I become intensely interested to find out the degree of compatibility and at this point I tend to shift to ‘anxious’ when I was younger, but I’m getting better at moving to ‘secure’.
As an ISTP I'm a little bit surprised by the ISTP placement in fearful-avoidant. I actually relate well to the category but thought I was an odd member of this type. I definitely try to avoid overly emotional situations in relationships and overly needy people when dating. Having said that when I'm dating someone and they are to busy to spend time with me I definitely struggle with not being needy myself. I actually do crave together time with someone I like. I'd rather spend that together time doing activities we both enjoy then dealing with emotional stuff. If things get to emotional I definitely would rather be doing other things, even if it means spending the time alone. When I say this I'm talking about emotional stuff that from my perspective seems trivial. I'm actually fairly supportive of things that seem more serious.
As a fellow ISTP I can say: You are on point. And atm I struggle with being in love with an ENTP who does not have enough time for me and is NOT emotional enough for me, which is sn unexpected emotional challenge for me.
INTJ ● broadly *avoidant* ... anxious-ish when I really care for someone, avoidant when lukewarm ●__● so probably the last category (all wrapped in one)
Fearful avoidant attachment style means that despite being uncomfortable with emotional intimacy, there is internal conflict because there is also a strong desire to have that emotional intimacy. While INTJ's may desire closeness and find someone with whom they enjoy it, they are very logical and I don't find think that it would be a great source of turmoil - if emotions were to cause undue turmoil, the INTJ would simply pull away emotionally, which is an avoidant attachment style. Only an unhealthy INTJ would qualify as fearful avoidant.
lol as an INTP I am constantly travelling alone to abroad because I need the distance and adventures for my own. I am very thankful that my partner understands and respects my me-time. He is an ISTJ. When I met him and we started dating I thought I will be the one who will need the attention and the constant time together but after a while I noticed that he is the one that wants to spend more time together. It was very surprising. But yes, he is very much not verbally demonstrative.
@@rain0069 what are you on about? relationship are, by definition, personal. why would you put in effort if it was just "work". that sounds fake as hell, are you using these people or something? I'm also istp female and I just avoid people and relationships the vast majority of the time.
@@scarlett8844 normally they are "fake" we ISTPs bore easily so we go with the flow.... people don't impress us for long this is why we NEED our space!
As an infp with a secure attachment style, I feel seen ✨ Yeah, I kind of fit the emo infp stereotype because I have diagnosed depression and generalized anxiety but I always priced myself in having healthy relationships, it is just so natural for me.
I did actually get a new mic yes. People kept telling me how disastrous the audio was before. I’m still getting to grips with how to actually use this new one and at the moment it kind of just sounds like I’m trying really hard to annunciate my words 😂 ~ Nathan
@@louisejoelwhen you realize that you like the other person you start getting anxious and try to avoid her in order to plan your actions , then you eventually "come back" ... rinse and repeat a few times until she starts thinking you are insincere.
I was pleasantly surprised by your placement of the INFP. When I was younger I probably jumped between all the attachment styles, but as I matured I became secure and confident in my relationships.
Underestimated the ISTP, I think. For us, emotional issues are dealt with in a straightforward, practical way. We are affectionate and playful when we have selected a reasonable partner. We don’t expect perfection and we respect a person’s uniqueness. Sure, we can’t stand chronic emotionality but we will set clear boundaries; if that doesn’t work for a partner the relationship probably won’t go far. If committed we tend to stay loyal through thick and thin. That’s my take. ISTJ has been a pretty good match for me. 👍🙂
Hey i am INTJ and my gf is istp. She's avoidant. When we a have simple argument she become silent. She dislike talking about any issues that is related to our relationship. She want to forget it than resolve it. Now we are under cool off stage and maube before this year 2023 end we might break-up.
@@thedropoutfarmer3128, you might consider that she has been mistyped; I think so. Either way, lead the way. As the man, you are in the position to clarify expectations that she sit down and deal with each problem with you, if she chooses to continue the relationship and have it grow to a better one; otherwise, it is over. If she is ISTP, just lovingly walk her through it; starting new things is not easy for them so just push a little. It’ll be worth it. 🙏🙂
Fearful-Avoidant ENFP. I like people pretty much, but not when they are close. I feel like that can be limiting af. Like, when you've got a cat, you can adore it, but now you also can't travel as much as you want, because it'll be stressed. Same with romantic partners: you can love them, but now every big decision have to be two side agreement (in the best scenario. In worse, partner may be an asshole and try to limit you willingly).
@@cathyslater1027 enfp here: I found an intj that totally accepts me as I am. It's validating and I've finally learned some patience. They are also somewhat reserved/distant emotionally and this keeps me interested and avoids that feeling of being stifled. Try one out for yourself! 🤣
I'm an ENFJ - gave birth to an INFJ daughter four years ago. She developed a proclivity - crazy early - to asking "you like me?" over and over, in an extremely affectionate but offhanded way. And I'm like ouuuuuch - THAT hits a little too close to home: I don't say that out loud, but it's an impulse inside that I struggle with continually. "Validate, validate, VALIDATE, PLEASE!" So I dunno. Anxious might just be an xNFJ thing: even when we learn to project more chill, I'm not sure the neediness thing ever *quite* goes away? Having someone else validate our feelings is one of the main ways we process stress. Married to an INTJ. He definitely straddles secure and avoidant, but fights the latter: I think it was developed as a coping mechanism for protecting his oh so very vulnerable Fi from various unhealthy people around him that he couldn't simply avoid. 🤷
Afaik, you can work your way up to a secure attachment style, I'm anxious and I used to ask my gf to validate me, but I've searched a bit and doing that just tells your brain that it is okay, so you keep doing it. If your S/O don't have a problem with it, I guess it's fine, but you should be able to trust yourself without the opinion of others. Take this with a grain of salt, I'm no expert in this, I'd say that is better to do some research yourself.
@@xPolqr *nods* oh yeah, for sure - and no worries, there's no risk of my SO indulging me there, that's for sure. Like I said: INTJ. He couldn't validate Fe things if he wanted to. 😂 Honestly, I think I do have a pretty stable attachment style, end of the day ... But if I'm feeling extra stressed and need some validation, I call my INFJ mom. We have ourselves a ten minute mutual validation sesh and both feel better. 🤣 So, I dunno, even with all the growth allowances being made, there's a certain amount of that "neediness" that may be just a permanently installed app around here.
@@JstJaybeingJay In a selfish way, perhaps. It is fairly common for avoidant and anxious people to form a relationship, which ends up turning into a sad power dynamic. The person who is the least invested in a relationship has the most power over it, which means that the avoidant person almost always has the upper hand by a mile. So in a way, yeah, being avoidant is "the best". However, you're breaking your partner's heart in the process and also stopping yourself from experiencing deep love. If you prefer being avoidant, then you're not choosing a relationship for the sake of partnership. You're choosing it for the sake of control.
As an ENTJ woman, I have had different attachment styles with every person I have dated. I was pursuing my relationships as I was pursuing my goals. My first boyfriend was an ESFP and I remember being so anxious style(d) before we started dating, but after I "reached the goal" I was avoidant and focused on my own life. My second (semi)boyfriend was an ENTP, and Oh God, I was so in love with him. I was extremely attached and was definitely anxious style(d), because he was showing me very low interest but at the same time, it was kinda hot. Btw when he rejected me I gave him a really cruel revenge, but whatever. My current boyfriend is also an ENTJ and we both have a very secure attachment style. Maybe Im actually a little avoidant. I think you can really understand your style only when you are dating the right person. I have found that Im somewhere between avoidant and secure when my mental health is stable.
Oh I forgot to mention an INTP that I was in a semi-relationship with. He was extremely introverted and I was too INTENSE for him. But we had so many interesting conversations about science and stuff, it was the best.
Can def see a "cruel revenge" as an ENTP deal-breaker. Cruelty tends to bring out Hulk-like justice-anger. It's a very likely result, so I wouldn't try that ever again.
I can already see unevolved ENFJ going into Anxious. I started in Anxious and then migrated into more Secure-Avoidant after I got cynical. EDIT: Nathan called it.
Your insight into us ENFJ's is spot on. I easily overthink every "move" my partner is making. When it comes to texting, I am always making note of how long it took for them to respond. It's much harder to tell if someone is avoiding me or genuinely busy through a device. That extra affirmation really puts my worries to rest and is why I could never date an avoidant type.
I think it depends on the emotional maturity of the Avoidant type. I learned that everyone has 2 attachment styles. I'm a "secure-avoidant" INTJ, and, I have a lot of respect for ENFJs. I can say that INTJs go hard for the people we love. We save our sweet and affectionate side for our significant other. We take relationships VERY seriously. So if there's an improvement you need us to make, like supplying more words of affirmation, speak up because we won't catch on. Also, it would help if you became more secure. Worrying about how long it takes someone to text is just unnecessarily stressful. But don't say you'd NEVER be with an Avoidant type. You may be missing out on the greatest love of your life.
Hey, fellow ENFJ! 👋 Yeah, I've been there. If someone doesn't text me for a while I try to remember something like "maybe they're at a movie" to assuade my anxiousness lol, but it's hard.
Exactly, It feels like a roller coaster ride. With highs and lows. But then the lows are needed for the high crazy feelings too. And she is secure, so things are going very stable and fun overall. It is just that we overthink things too much and play too much things idealistic.
13:17 on Fe vs Fi - a good observation you made, and it definitely applies for me (INFP) and my mother (INFJ). It would seem that I cause more friction on the surface, but it's because I sense a lot of unresolved emotions in our family which aren't being expressed, and I want to work through that.
I agree that INTJ seems to fit really well into the avoidant category. However, I do think that INTJs who grew up in a very unstable household might be more likely to display behavioral patterns more inline with the fearful-avoidant type.
I think most people might, in a way…but definitely INTJs. I don’t know about this particular chart, but in general, I would say INTJs are all around, the most secure, solid, smart, personality type, and when they let you in, a little, they are like a blossoming flower, really, and reveal their remarkable emotional intelligence.. so brilliant, are INTJs. So worth the effort. -INFJ
@@quintuplebanned4267 secure, solid, smart, is not measured with MBTI, Also INTJ si not the best type, everyone have something good and bad, if an INTJ plan something but something goes wrong, they can't adapt
@@dtcruz8953 the first part of your comment is true, but so the same implies to adaptability, it's not only mindset that has to do with it, but experience and analysis(think of it as a skill), if you're valuing your own comfort enough, you'll deal with things. Yes, I myself do get pissed off for long periods of time when I'm involved in unexpected unavoidable situations, which affect my plans, but this doesn't influence the way I adapt. I just reschedule things so they fit the deadline better or increase working speed and lessen rest. It's not MBTI that builds this, tho it probably has a saying. (I might just live in an environment that requires it developing)(But think of a personality as a set of developed and undeveloped skills, they all require practice and same goes to adjustment)
Being an INFJ, I am used to have anxious avoidant style since I don't want to be responsible with people's emotions but I would also get insecure if someone do not give me proper attention. I guess I am moving on and learning to build secure attachment style. I don't get insecure anymore and stay confident in myself. People have issues and they are not always the same to react friendly to me, I finally understood that. And there are things you got to take responsibility, if you really care for it, I get that too.
I mostly agree with what you have concerning the ESTP, INTJ, and ISTJ. My kids are all avoidant types. I'm an INFP and I truly feel like an avoidant type myself. I feel like my environment made me that way. I was a born touch me not, but being shy and my dad being in the service meant that I was never able to get close to anyone and develop meaningful relationships with people because it was just too hard, so I closed myself off even more. My husband, an ESTJ had a similar situation, but he was also adopted and his family went out of their way to make him feel unwanted. so he developed a very Anxious attachment relationship style. He needs constant reassurance, needs to hear I love more times than most people would feel comfortable saying it and has to be near me all of the time. We've been together for 20 years and I have to tell you, most days I just feel so tired out from having to deal with him. He, of course, deflects and says that he's normal and I'm the one with the issues and maybe I am. Maybe I just don't get him, but I feel like I have been trying to figure him out for 20 years, and I think I have him pegged pretty well. He's definitely the one with the issues. Our kids agree, lol!
You've perfectly summed up the difference between my ESFJ ex and my current INFP partner. My ESFJ ex and I got along amazingly from start to finish, but under the surface, things were very slowly falling apart, until one day we decided it was time to get a divorce. It wasn't much of a surprise to me, but nobody who knew us could have possibly expected it. My INFP partner is constantly thinking of our deeper compatibility and loves to talk about underlying patterns and beliefs that affect our relationship. I'm ISTP, and Fearful-Avoidant does seem to describe me pretty well, though I'm not really sure what degree of intensity of "symptoms" is conventionally required in order to belong to that category. Is it more along the lines of personality disorders, in which the signs need to be significantly affecting quality of life over a sustained period of time, or is it more like a tendency, which might not have any stringent requirements to fall under? If it's just a general tendency, I'd be Fearful-Avoidant. If it's more like a disorder, I might be closer to Secure.
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As a 40 year-old, cisfemale INFP, I can tell you that in my younger years, I was a hot mess when it came to relationships. I was 100% the self-loathing, depressed INFP stereotype that so many other personalities have horror stories about. Sadly, it stemmed from a very emotionally abusive childhood. Fortunately in my old age, I’ve gained wisdom and self-esteem, finding healthy coping mechanisms to make me happy. My ISTP husband also had a traumatic childhood, and we have found healing within each other. 💖 He is definitely in that fearful-avoidant category, but being an introvert myself, I have no problem giving him the space he needs to be his amazing ISTP self. Imma just go paint unicorns. 😂
This post gave me hope - I'm ISTP and definitely fearful avoidant and my lovely partner is an anxious INFP. We're helping each other through this life maze too.
I’m so happy to see another INFP+ISTP in the comments! 💕 We are an unusual match, to be sure, but we can also provide a much needed balance to the more potato aspects of our personalities. From an older INFP perspective, I honestly feel the thing that keeps my head on straight is HAVING THINGS TO DO. I cannot emphasize this enough! INFP imaginations are wild things, and if we don’t focus that limitless power on something good and healthy (i.e., creative outlets), it results in us overthinking/stressing/freaking out/hating ourselves. I’m an artist for a living, and focusing my attention on my art and building beautiful, imaginary worlds really turns my focus away from “my husband isn’t talking to me, whatdidIdoIamabadpersonIsuckbawsIdontdeservehimheisgonnaleaveme-STOP. Time to paint some goddamn winged bunnies or glitter dragons or magic porcupines, because stewing SUCKS. It tears relationships apart. 💕💖 I hope your INFP will come to this realization one day, because it’s like reaching a meta-state of mental well-being. My ISTP knows I’d walk through the fires of hell for him, but he also knows I TRUST HIM to just want to go on a damn hike or something. “Just leave a note, baby,” I say with a smile. I wish you and your INFP partner all the love in the world! 💕
@Anne the Idealist Hmm… honestly, it boiled down to me accepting that I will never be as perfect as I desperately wished to be, and the sadly ironic thing that got me to that point was getting an autoimmune disease diagnosis. It completely turned my list of priorities on my head, and little things that were once SO IMPORTANT seemed utterly stupid to me. In my physical pain, I sought ways to create joy, and accepted that my joy was enough. I love making people happy with my art, and that is where I found my calling. Find your true love within yourself, my friend. INFPs are fucking rad!! 💖
Trauma can do a number to anyone though. I am an INFJ and I have Fearful-Avoidant attachment style. Doing a lot of inner work to heal. Finding my MBTI was a first step into knowing myself, and that lead to discovering my attachment style. Not having Fi as a strength, a lot of things were and are a mystery to me. Things have gotten better, through hard work. But its work worth doing.
You nailed my type (esfp)- really accurate analysis. I fluctuate between secure and avoidant. And my ENFP wife is DEFINITELY in the anxious-secure, so you got that one right, as well!
as an INFP I am so happy you put us in secure attatchment style. I agree closely with what you said about external vs internal friction. I often have experienced turbulent relationships in terms of arguments or bickeering however emotionally I find myself easily resolving them not only internally but externally as well since i know exactly how I feel i'm able to pinpoint issues and communicate and resolve it with someone. I think INFP's might be outwardly appearing as anxious attatchment but internally we know exactly what we want and how we feel which inwardly allows us to feel quite secure and safe. INFP's emotional intelligence is our greatest gift.
our outward expression of emoition is often mistaken as anxiousness, however i think INFP's ability to display emotions is what makes us so strong. It is very couragous to be vulnerable, thats why i think can actually feel so secure and confident in a relationship most of the time
For some reason, this is one of the categorical/sorting the types videos I can finally understand and have a sort of similar analysis to yours!! Coolll!!
I love how you gave a great explanation Nathan! You are right about life experience can change where we would be placed. As one of your ESFJ'S, when I first started dating I was definitely in Anxious, but life has made me learn from mistakes and I believe I am in Secure now. 😉
You've just reassured this ISFP! There's literally _nobody_ in my town who can value and appreciate my approach to life. I was starting to think I was the issue. Phew!
I confess it is correct (ENFP here) 😅 Maybe I should look for someone who is in the anxious category as well for a future relationship so I can be attention seeking without beeing annoying 🤗
It's interesting that you have your own theory about adult attachment styles based on MBTI. The implication seems to be that the person's comfort with their own and other people's emotions determines their adult attachment style, which is both subtle and intriguing. As a psych student, I was taught that attachment styles are relevant only to parent-child relationships and may manifest in any number of ways in adults. For example, anxiously attached children may grow up to have excellent adult relationships or not, depending on how the anxious attachment is managed in childhood, the point being that there is no clear relationship between anxious attachment and adult behavior. However, I believe your reworking of the theory has merit.
I love that Warren Buffet quote of focusing on avoiding making obvious mistakes, that's how I moved from Bronze (bottom 1%) to Diamond (top 1%) in League of Legends. I'm still not a good player, I just stopped being a horrible player ;D Very informative video btw, althought I (as an ENTP) would throw myself into the Fearful-Avoidant category, which would also fit most other ENTPs I know. They're hesitant of catching feelings (avoidant), but once it happened they're afraid of the whole thing ending again (fearful). It's like taking a shower. I hate going in there, but once I'm in the cabin you can't get me out again lol
As an INFJ I was surprised to be put in the secure category and had to think about it, since I often feel anxious about where I "stand" in a relationship. I came to the conclusion that when I am a healthy INFJ, then I actually am secure, but when I am starting to veer down the dark side then no. I know I definitely want to be secure!
Ah yes, I'm secure type... as secure as possible since I have never been in a (romantic) relationship - an INFP stuck in a vicious circle of "I'm not good enough for anyone I like", "It's hard for me to to get romantically attracted to anyone" & "There's no way that anyone would like me" 😅
I'm not surprised Nathan revealed INFPs are Secure 🔐 -- I have most often made good decisions in relationships and feel secure in myself AND my relationships. Hmmm. My hubby is likely an ISTJ and is also secure and strong and stable. Maybe a bit avoidant but also secure in many ways. Thanks Nathan!
I think you’re absolutely correct. At least for my family members. I’m an INTP mom and my hubby is an ENTJ. My eldest daughter is an ENTP, second daughter is an INTJ, and third daughter is an ENFP.
I knew it was gonna fall under secure lol, that's a good thing tho -ISFP I will say that Avoidant can be second place, I think other Isfps can agree that in a relationship with no space can start to get a little... Claustrophobic.
ISFP here. And yeah, I was very confident that he will place us under secure. And when he did, O am happy! What he said was spot on. He said that somehow we can funnel out people that we don't want to meddle to our lives.
I’m an ISFP, I usually don’t have an issue in a relationship unless I’m lied to. I have learned that a strong lie with no plans to take responsibility is what will tank a relationship with me- in the past I may have actually switched to anxious, trying to compromise and make sure the conflict is resolved, which can sometimes be counterproductive. Honestly it’s hard to even think of anything else other than like…unnecessary drama. Idk it’s hard to tell.
INTJ here: definitely avoidant. When I was younger, it was more fearful-avoidant, but eventually I realized that it was because I associated relationships with financial security (being female, and raised to expect that a man would take care of me to a certain extent.) Once I attained financial stability on my own, I moved straight into Avoidant and never tried again to be in a relationship. It's exhausting, and... well... I have my own money now, so there's just no point. My only regret is that I didn't realize when I was young the extent to which my motivations were financial.
Fearful-Avoidant here, unfortunately. Not the kind I’d take myself for but it’s the points I’ve heard from others lol, intimacy seems so appealing but the execution of it is intimidating, limiting, and uncomfortable. I don’t understand how this can come so naturally to others, it’s something I somewhat envy. People are already difficult for me to tolerate, as is. -ISTP
My brother is an ISTP and he's in a healthy, loving relationship and they've been living together for a while very happily. It's possible so chin up :) his gf is extremely independent and has no problem with going off and doing her own thing if he can't come or doesn't want to, but she's a really bubbly kind person who I think inspires him to relax and show some Fe. You guys just need someone who doesn't expect you to be good at that but can show you how. Side note, I actually wouldn't put you guys in the fearful-avoidant category myself. Depending on the person and their Fe development I'd say either secure or avoidant. You aren't a very anxious bunch lol
@@whitneyd6827 That’s good to hear. I really do stick with the hope that -if I find a partner- they won’t be too demanding in those areas I don’t naturally take well. Relationships sound intimidating as hell but it’s nice knowing people have their own on track even with similar issues.
@@user-el6my6vi7p Not everyone needs an overly affectionate partner, you'll find someone :) and honestly relationships are intimidating for everyone so you're not alone I promise - your polar opposite
@@ashleycook300 Yeah direct communication and personal boundaries would be a goal I’d really work to maintain in any kind of relationship, I think it’s surprising how non-confrontational, or invasive, people can be. The dynamics between types are interesting, I actually really enjoy ESxP’s I’m pretty sure my best friend is one lol. Thanks for the input, glad to hear about the happy relationship.
Oh do types x love languages one!! Yes ISTJs tend to show love via "Acts of Service"...though after 13 yrs my partner has improved with communication but it takes ongoing work and he naturally did not like affection (he is habituated to it now and loves it but only from me) and under communicates -not just about emotions; about everything. I still have to stop him and make him identify what he is feeling. (It's not about having to "share" or any Fe shit, it's about understanding where your impulse is coming from so you don't have to just blindly repress it and then when you fail to it bursts out in a destructive way...it roesnt have to be deep, just kindergarten stuff ie "I'm angry and I need space. I'm going for a walk and I'll *be back* in an hr or 2" ratger than say, waving a fist at someone and grabbing and shaking them or punching a hole in something). It also took me along time to realize the relationship between him doing acts and his feelings for me. I thought he just did things because he wanted them done. I've also learned alot of discipline from him.
INTP here. I’m just coming out of a long-term relationship with an INTJ female. I can certainly testify to having a fearful-avoidant attachment style. If things ever became heated in arguments my first instinct was definitively, almost always to elope.
ISFJ I actually have an avoidant attachment style. But I feel like this happens more at first when I’m trying to discern whether to trust someone. However, I do warm up to people when I do start feeling comfortable around them and start opening up to them. I’m still working on my self-esteem and self-confidence. I can set boundaries and leave relationships too when I feel like I’m being mistreated or someone has crossed a boundary. I feel like I’m growing into a more secure relationship style. I can totally see a healthy ISFJ have a secure style 😁
Find it surprising that INFP would be in the secure category, as onethat’s had a relationship with an INFJ and an INTP, I would say I became like their attachment styles. I’m now with an ISFJ and it’s the best relationship I’ve ever had. It feels so secure 😊
ENFP here and I feel closer to the fearful-avoidant honestly, because I've seen people idealised only by their positive traits and easily forgive them it's not rare when I'm being taken advantage and I do not learn from the past. I still crave those connections but also have to keep an eye up in case I'm idealising too much again so I'd rather stay distant. Also BF is INTJ and I would feel him closer to the anxious style, he needs a lot of validation and I'm always willing to give it to him, but sometimes when I don't say the exact same words he's expecting there's problems, and me being emotionally distant sometimes does not help because he'd start overthinking and second guess what I may be going on or what he may have done wrong. We still manage to make it work, we'll learn together about it
Yes, I'm between anxious-avoidant and secure. In the beginning of a relationship I'm anxious-avoidant and then I learn to actually trust my partner and over time it becomes secure. To a lesser degree I have this problem with friendships too.
Great points. Although, if I may add, Some INFJs can choose to appear secure, while truly being in the avoidant/fearful-avoidant category on the inside. It's strange to think of stable-seeming people having this reality. And although I know that I may be speaking for a minority within the minority here, it's stormier on the inside than what many may assume. You aren't wrong on your take, but this is also worth considering. Or not. I'm just a lemon on the internet. What do I know.
as an INTP, this is the first time I feel that you just missed it. Avoidant absolutely. Maybe if you consider ambivalence to be equivalent to need, you could throw in the fearful. Honestly, though, there's very little pull against my push. I'll look after myself, thank you.
As an infp I'm going to say I agree with this, I think we tend to deeply understand the merits and drawbacks of our relationships with others and when possible, this leads to us having overall healthier relationships We know when people arent our people
As an INFP who had a really wonderful upbringing and very caring and loving parents, I suppose it would make sense that I would have a secure attachment style, but.....I don't. I certainly am comfortable with my own emotions, and am always processing how I feel about things on default all the time, but the description of the anxious attachment style hit me on such a deep level, I know that it's me. And in my very limited relationship experience, I've always been very unhealthy and I exhibit the anxious style so much. It's so weird, I honestly feel like it shouldn't be me, but it is. I feel something is very wrong with me in this regard.
Nothing is wrong with you, I relate to that style too. It's really hard to trust someone fully and also have confidence in your worth. I'm super critical of myself to a fault. But I always to try to remember that I do have worth and deserve to be happy... As do you!
@@namelessgrace6319 Thank you for that; yes, I think my biggest struggle as well is having confidence in my worth. I have very low self-esteem issues, although there is no reason for me to have them, but I still do. Oddly, I trust people way too easily, and wear my heart on my sleeve, when I often shouldn't. This whole issue is so painful and difficult so much of the time :"(
Wow that differentiation of Fi versus Fe was pretty good, and how I was working on picturing it. My mom INFP seems erieely good at telling me what a person was likely feeling when they did a specific thing with no visual clues, but with visual reference I feel lost as to what to think about what motivated them.
Pretty accurate. I've never been as good as the Fe-doms in my life at social smoothness and keeping everything pleasant on the surface, but I often delve deeper into underlying issues, both within myself and within relationships. Would've expected INFPs to be put under anxious or avoidant based on stereotypes; glad that's not the case, though frankly I'd forgive it given the number of unhealthy INFPs I've seen around. Definitely agree that a healthy version of any type should have a secure attachment style. I was a little concerned going into this video for exactly that reason.
This was so interesting to listen to. As an INFP, I actually tested as a fearful avoidant.. several times lol. But i still really appreciate your analysis because a lot of it still rings true. I like your "fi vs fe" explanation. In the relationships I have with people (mostly familial and platonic) I can usually decipher what the dynamic and status of our emotional intimacy is because I can read people well enough that way. Yet when it comes to why things still aren't working extrinsically when they by definition should I'm soo lost. A true puzzle. :)
100% agree, I’m an ENFP who is somewhere between Avoidant and Fearful-Avoidant and working on becoming Secure. My boyfriend is an ISTJ surprisingly and he is very obviously Avoidant. Gotta say that it is not easy to say the least but all the more worth it
For the most part, you’re right about me as an INTJ-A. Avoid yes and also mostly selective. The potential person to add to my life has to be convenient for me. The man can’t be too needy and need constant togetherness. I need someone who needs his alone time or freedom as much as I do. At the start, we only come together for the physical part. We can’t be constantly in each other’s space or face all the time. But at the same time he can’t just be anybody. INTJ’s have certain standards. I personally have to be able to respect a man before I would even consider wanting to get to know him at a deeper level.
I am myself a mixture of Anxious and Avoidant. I can sometimes get into the "Si grip"-style of thinking without wanting to, and I slip into the Anxious side of it. Still, most of the time it is going to be the Avoidant type. -ENTP
Wow this was very insightful. As a student of MBTI, I have never heard of the attachment style for ESFJ’s and it completely made sense. Thanks for this insight. Nathan I follow a lot of channels but you are the BEST at this. Just love your intellectual and concise breakdowns. Thanks 💕
Bro. When you were explaining the attachment types and got to Fearful-Avoidant, I was like thats me and then you immediately put INTP in that category so I think you're spot on with that one lol. -INTP
I would love to know what Nathan's personality type is, though I'm afraid we'll never know, for objectivity's sake. This is high key the best TH-cam channel on MBTI. Have you considered discussing temperaments in conjunction with personality types?
Check out the first videos, A women started the channel and passed the torch to Nathan As I recall it seemed she had a "type" that she obviously favored .. And Nathan fit that type well
When you were explaining the attachment styles i thought to myself that I have a mix between the anxious and avoidant attachment style and then you explained the fearful avoidant , so i think that's my attachment style. I'm intp btw.
Infp here. I’d say unhealthy Infps are fearful-Avoidant and healthy or more mature infps are secure. I’m still working on getting to secure and I’m 34.
Yes, I'm forty'ish INFP who has definetly found myself becoming more secure with age. I think I've spent my like exploring myself and others and finally found some sort of inner understanding.
“ENTP are strange, i could just stop there.” S- sIR…
🤣🤣🤣
He's not wrong 😂
Ngl, he's right
Kinda agree with him, ENTP sounds like me on drugs XD
Entp fearful here
Feelers : "share your emotions, you'll feel better"
Thinkers : "WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU"
Exactly. So why do so many say that feelers should be with thinkers?
🤣
@@meagiesmuse2334 If it makes you feel any better, the thinkers that DO say this also have a big ego.
@@olympus6856 Some*
@@meagiesmuse2334 To help you work on parts of yourself that might be more flawed than others. That's how we progress in life.
The only dude I got notifications on for.
I don't even follow anything anymore about 16 personalities theory but his way of explaining and just speaking is what makes me watch his videos.
Meanwhile you’ve got some TH-cam creators out there reminding people about notifications every freakin video like the feature hasn’t been available for the past several years.
@@ProJanitor Yeah, I like content creators who allow their work to sell itself. 👍
Lol same
I’ve yet to see time stamps ever though this is an older video, so here you go!
ESTP: 3:40
👑INTP👑 and ISTP: 4:20
INFJ: 5:53
ENFJ and ESFJ: 6:32
ENTP: 7:49
ISFJ: 8:29
INTJ: 9:41
ISFP: 10:48
ESFP: 11:27
ENFP: 12:18
INFP: 12:51
ISTJ: 13:46
ESTJ and ENTJ: 14:44
Thanks
My respect for you increased significantly as soon as I saw your sentiments toward INTPs.
Thanks for giving me the crown 👑 🤍
"entps are strange I could just stop there-" lmaoo that's true tho, i pretty much avoid attachment but then i find myself lowkey craving for it but in general sometimes gets way too contradictory
Yes finally someone who doesn't bring back the usual messy INFP ! Most of the INFPs I know -I even dare to include myself in it-, are the glue that keeps the friends group together thanks to a melting pot of discreet attentions, genuine sweetness & empathy. There's so much love & attention to give, and people always need it. Being first scared of people, or opening very slowly doesn't mean being asocial or having nothing to bring to the world. Once you've accepted yourself, the world becomes full of wonderful people. Once you've accepted yourself, you're not anymore the most important thing in the world and that's when INFPs are capable of giving so much to others as they unlocked their empathetic side which helps analyzing people very well. And YES, such a person belongs to the secure category rather than being doomed to be considered self-depreciative or a social burdain to others.
Honestly, I'm so tired of this sometimes ridiculously darked or mocked take on INFPs here on youtube that right now, I just want to hug you.
Honestly... I know a good number of healthy INFPs irl but I hardly see them online which is probably why there is this notion on the internet that healthy INFPs are hard to find
Quite! I've been growing so much in the past couple years, and socialising now I'm noticing how much more comfortable I am in my skin - still not totally at ease with where I'm at, but my focus on people is giving them space to express and being authentic about myself, rather than analysing them and how I come across. It's perhaps a subtle change but it also feels profound and liberating. I come away from interactions smiling inside, and not going over what I said and feeling silly (at least not as much haha).
My daughter is INFP, and is confident and secure. Yes she has a bit of the INFP insecurities, but she overcomes them to live a exciting life. She is currently in Europe doing a semester abroad.
My spouse and I were very conscious to give her a better upbringing the we got, and we have been paid back many times over.
INFP + messy = ENFP. INFP + goals = INFJ. INFP + happy = ISFP.
@@bleh449hardly online!!! 😂😂 bruh that’s me hardly on my text messages I’d rather connect in person tbh
I'm INTJ and my wife is ENFP. Her anxious and my avoidant styles were getting out of hand at first since both styles amplify each other. I would get more avoidant as she would get more anxious, which in turn would make her more anxious, which in turn would make me more avoidant... a vicious cycle.
Learning about our weaknesses taught us how to stabilise each other and not push each other to the extremes. This is a very important topic especially for younger couples.
I think it would be a great follow up if you create a video on how different styles can be identified and how couples could resolve tensions in their relationships.
I’ve graduated to a secure attachment style, it took experience and self reflection and I’m proud of myself for it :)
Me, too!! It took YEARS of introspection, leaving my comfort zone, and learning how to trust people with my heart. I got a few bumps and bruises along the way, but I'm so much stronger for it. Congratulations! 🥳
@@BombshElle_7 I’m so glad to hear that! That’s awesome ☺️
@@astridtheearthling Yes, we're strong. Life is a journey.
Now from my personal experience:
ENTP - avoidant/secure
ESTP - anxious
ISFP - anxious
INTP - fearful-avoidant
INFP - fearful-avoidant/anxious
Now me INFJ - between anxious and secure. People are strange.
I'm an INFJ with an ISFJ and I'd say we're both anxious at our worst and secure at our best but overall more secure ☺️ it's the best relationship I've ever had.
That’s a tough combo there I’m an ISTP with an ESFJ and the my use of Ni can complete baffle her. She knows I love fun and a bit of danger, But she learned when I say no to something I have considered all variables and decided it was large
risk and wasn’t worth it.
I thought an isfj was my soul mate and she fuckin ghosted me
INFJ : fearful-avoidant. Need space and intimacy but can’t seem to feel satisfied with either so vacillate between them to devastating effect. Lessened with age but wouldn’t call it secure by any means. Probably a result of childhood trauma and may not apply to other INFJs.
do INFJs without childhood trauma exist? lol ugh
no childhood trauma, but same. for me it's all in or all out and that often makes me a very toxic/abusive person to be in a relationship with, if i'm not in a good place.
speaking as a mostly anxious infj, i strongly agree. it feels wrong to be categorized as secure when i'm almost constantly worrying that i'll be abandoned without warning. it really is a struggle,,
@@mariayyad2546 specially when we give so much of ourselves to the other person (and so exclusively) and hardly that's what we get from them...
Fellow INFJ here who was going to say the same thing!
ENTP. I think that avoidant is accurate in the sense that I want to thoroughly vet someone before I give them a chance to see anything vulnerable about me. Partly because I want to be right in my choice of dating companion, but also because the flirty interim period in between meeting and dating is VERY fun. But I will say that when someone captures my attention and keeps it I become a little obsessed and probably more on the anxious side.
So true
INTJ here, I never met an ENTP. I am pretty curious about the ENTP, because ENFP, ENTP and INFP are for me the best choice. Can you tell me something about yourself?
@@erikdekker1 I'm in one word: messy.
Like "how do you even function in daily life" messy... that may just be me though
@@trillerkiller9839 What do you like to do? Like hobbies or education?
@@erikdekker1 ENTP here too. Like Sophie said: Messy, definitely! & PROcrastinators
Idk if this is all ENTP, so I'm sorry for generalizing.... We want to settle in and not be messy, we crave to have some kind of routine or at least fixed habits, but we struggle a lot with it. Cleaning the house doesn't sound as fun as watching random youtube videos 😅 We'll eventually do it, but last minute.
We're not as debaters as the stereotype makes us be, at least I'm not. Well, I do refute people's ideas and arguments but in my head. I just feel like most times it's not worth the effort to try and convince someone that their idea is wrong, so I just let them be. We are sarcastic and we do have a very particular sense of humor that is not for everyone 🤭 I know I'm talking as "we" but I'm talking about myself and some ENTP I know, also from comments I've seen online. But I think that can give u a general idea about us 😊
I’m INFP, I feel like I can be pretty avoidant, but when I’m in a healthy relationship or friendship I tend to engage more. The neurotic stereotype definitely doesn’t translate to fearful/anxious behavior for me, I feel zero fear and like I could get on in life without human contact, but when I see the value of connection I do embrace my closest relationships. I can tend to get emotional overwhelm though and get into avoidant patterns, just wanting to shut off the world around me and empathy for people’s problems can plague me if I don’t tend to myself. So, at my healthiest, I feel secure, but I can slip into being quite detached and unavailable at times and maybe not invest as much I should in the other person.
Infp as well, and your description is on point with my own experience.
INFP here and i can relate except for the avoidant part in friendship yes although it rarely happens and for a romantic relationship i can feel anxious here and there never avoidant
As an INFJ, I'd say I definitely fall into the anxious-secure category, if that even makes sense. I can tell a partner's mood or day from just the tone of their voice. So if I keep talking to them and be with them in close proximity, I feel secure and confident but as soon as I deal with less communication and long distance, my brain becomes super anxious and sabotages everything.
I agree, I was thinking something similar! I take other people's moods personally and then avoid them thinking I'm part of the problem, which creates an actual conflict 😅 But I'm more self aware and working on it lately. I don't love having such a sensitive internal barometer of how other people feel sometimes.
@@jaimiehorton9669 Boy do I relate!
Ditto!
I'm an INFJ too but weirdly enough I fall between avoidant and fearful-avoidant. Although in non-romantic relationships I'm pretty secure
@@pal8542 as an intp I can relate to this. Does that mean I am infj??
You make an _amazing_ point at 13:25, about surface problems versus smoothing things over and having deeper, unaddressed issues in FI versus FE. Definitely did a lot of swimming in the latter pool.
I'm INFP. I find surface level relationships quite difficult but am wonderfully secure when I get deep. And with deepness comes a lot of difficulties. I'm secure and stable in the depths of myself, and others, when dealing with quite emotional and challenigng stuff, but anxious in surface relationships. But I just can't seem to do the whole 'expected' thing in normal human relationships. I think its because it feels just slightly inauthentic and meaningless. I have an INFJ husband and he is great at the whole social nicess, keep everything harmonious and lovely thing. Whereas I'm always in the corner either sorting my stuff out, or helping someone sort theirs out. And both are needed.
Fi user here, I simply cannot smooth over issues and let them become deeper and unresolved. It just bubbles up to the surface very quickly
I feel like as an INTJ, that I really crave deep relationships where I trust the person and feel like sharing ideas with them. I feel like I am halfway between Avoident and Fearful-Avoident because I do avoid emotional stuff (and find it odd that people go purely off their emotions a lot of the time without thinking something through) but I do crave attachment to a few people. If I do find those people that I trust, I am still scared to open up to them but I still want that intimacy. I read a lot in the comments that if you had a worse childhood that you'd pick the Fearful-Avoident, but I think it is the opposite. Since I was raised well with people who truly love me and want the best for me, then I find myself wanting to open up to people more; whereas, if I hadn't been raised that way then I would probably just avoid intimacy altogether.
I’m very surprised we INFPs were put in secure. I actually think there might be something to be said for there being a possible split in giving vs receiving? I have little to no romantic experience to relay but based on friendships I’ve had I can say that I’m secure in the giving sense but anxious or even fearful-avoidant in the receiving realm. I feel I can see others with enough clarity to offer what they’ll need but I’m something of a mess in accepting of the same. Recipe for disaster, so in spite of the want being great I can shy away from people for this reason.
Not trying to overextend and say that’s all INFPs and I’m actually thrilled we’re not automatically dumped into a category with negative connotations here, this is just my experience.
With cognitive stack characteristics.
It's always a matter of Proclivities - since all types use all cognitive functions at varying degrees.
The Personality type designations are found along the spectrums of these varying degrees .
@@antonyka-pra-ra This is why being too insistent on a type’s “destiny” to adhere to a certain style (Or any behavioral pattern) is a no go I suppose, no matter how satisfying compartmentalizing is in the short-term. :)
@@bespectacledheroine7292 yes, an excellent consideration to remember.
I think a mostly overlooked opportunity is looking at and hopefully improving the lower vibrations of a type , to reflect on their prevalence with past behaviors and actions.
Fearful-Avoidant INFP chiming in. Working on becoming secure though!
I'm surprised only based on stereotypes, and on how many unhealthy/unhappy INFPs I've seen in these comment sections, who don't represent all of us but can sway perceptions of our type a lot.
I don't think I have too much of an issue in the receiving realm; the only thing is that I'm very independent and tend to prefer to solve my own problems. I'm also very picky about a lot of things, especially matters of taste, and when it comes to things like gift-giving, I more often hit the mark for other people than vice versa.
ENFP here. It's not that I'm afraid of commitment, I'm just afraid to have my heart shattered again by someone who doesn't care yet pretends to care. No surprise that you put us down as anxious.
I think the INFP secure categorization is based on the average INFP. I think as an INFP the reason why it feels wrong is because of Fi constantly questioning the notion. The thing is should an INFP value logic and knows when to eat the pride burger then I guess the chance of ruminating and being in a rut is lessen. INFPs tend to have an echo chamber of just Fi and Si being the worst jury they can be, which gives that feeling of detachment to the physical world which can inevitably cause an INFP to think they are in anxious side of things, due to Fi not really being the fastest of judges and the INFP's ability to hold to contradictory notions at once. INFPs as well have a very self righteous idea of making the partner happy in emotional matters as well as this unhealthy notion of keeping it to ourselves due to the Fi-Si loop which can drain the hell out of us, making us more detached or look more detach should we opt for more "me time".
The take away I have is, its NOT the INFP that is anxious, the situation we find ourselves in is.
As an INFP, it doesn't feel wrong to me. But the truth is, there are plenty of INFPs who are in fact anxious, or depressed, or unhealthy in some other way. And that goes for all types - it can just be more obvious for us since we're so in touch with and apt to prioritize our feelings.
I'm fearful-avoidant INFP.
I love your "handle." It's especially precious for an INFP.
“…whereas INTPs don’t mind being looked after a little bit”
Who authorised you to call me out like this?
I felt it too
This INTP does not like being looked after
@@MMTInvesting 👀
It’s even funnier for me cuz my brother is an ISTP and he’s the one taking care of me most of the times even tho I’m the eldest xD
@@MMTInvesting I'm Intp and can take care of myself and I expect everyone to take care of themselves
INFJ: I was thinking we would be put in avoidant or fearful avoidant but then Nathan said the exact opposite 😅
Now that i'm getting older, i think i can understand the secure attachment style. But, like he said, that should come naturally in the future for any type.
I think that, stereotypically, INFJ would be put in the fearful avoidant category.
We crave deep connections but we rationalize everything with our Ni-Ti loop. It's difficult to live in the moment, trust in others, show our vulnerabilities, and it's also hard to let go of toxic relationships because we tend to be quite tolerant and understanding of people.
Spot on!
INTJ confirmation: avoidant when younger/stressed, but generally secure. Do not relate to possessiveness or anxiousness around relationships, which turns some people off as it might appear unresponsive.
Agree. Personally this INTJ is what is usually called ‘picky’ but it’s just that I can tell straight away if someone might be suitable or not at all, and not a lot of people fall in the first group unfortunately. So this could come across as ‘avoidant’ but when someone might be suitable I become intensely interested to find out the degree of compatibility and at this point I tend to shift to ‘anxious’ when I was younger, but I’m getting better at moving to ‘secure’.
As an ISTP I'm a little bit surprised by the ISTP placement in fearful-avoidant. I actually relate well to the category but thought I was an odd member of this type.
I definitely try to avoid overly emotional situations in relationships and overly needy people when dating. Having said that when I'm dating someone and they are to busy to spend time with me I definitely struggle with not being needy myself.
I actually do crave together time with someone I like. I'd rather spend that together time doing activities we both enjoy then dealing with emotional stuff. If things get to emotional I definitely would rather be doing other things, even if it means spending the time alone.
When I say this I'm talking about emotional stuff that from my perspective seems trivial. I'm actually fairly supportive of things that seem more serious.
As a fellow ISTP I can say: You are on point. And atm I struggle with being in love with an ENTP who does not have enough time for me and is NOT emotional enough for me, which is sn unexpected emotional challenge for me.
INTJ ● broadly *avoidant* ... anxious-ish when I really care for someone, avoidant when lukewarm ●__● so probably the last category (all wrapped in one)
Fearful avoidant attachment style means that despite being uncomfortable with emotional intimacy, there is internal conflict because there is also a strong desire to have that emotional intimacy. While INTJ's may desire closeness and find someone with whom they enjoy it, they are very logical and I don't find think that it would be a great source of turmoil - if emotions were to cause undue turmoil, the INTJ would simply pull away emotionally, which is an avoidant attachment style. Only an unhealthy INTJ would qualify as fearful avoidant.
@@alexandrajoelle2926 oh, you got me! Unhealthy as charged :D
lol as an INTP I am constantly travelling alone to abroad because I need the distance and adventures for my own. I am very thankful that my partner understands and respects my me-time. He is an ISTJ. When I met him and we started dating I thought I will be the one who will need the attention and the constant time together but after a while I noticed that he is the one that wants to spend more time together. It was very surprising. But yes, he is very much not verbally demonstrative.
two introverts can survive in a relationship? .. didnt know.
A chick travelling abroad... for "adventures"... poor naive guy!
I'm an ISTP and relationships are the most difficult thing known to man. lol
ISTP female here... relationships are like work it's something to get done ,it's not personal
@@rain0069 Yeah, but that's no fun. xD
@@kevrokka.d.9749 fun is overrated ...we'll get through it! 💪
@@rain0069 what are you on about? relationship are, by definition, personal. why would you put in effort if it was just "work". that sounds fake as hell, are you using these people or something? I'm also istp female and I just avoid people and relationships the vast majority of the time.
@@scarlett8844 normally they are "fake" we ISTPs bore easily so we go with the flow.... people don't impress us for long this is why we NEED our space!
I’m 100% fearful-avoidant (INTP), so well done. Relationships are too stressful.
As an infp with a secure attachment style, I feel seen ✨
Yeah, I kind of fit the emo infp stereotype because I have diagnosed depression and generalized anxiety but I always priced myself in having healthy relationships, it is just so natural for me.
Did Nathan get a new mic? Anyone notice his voice kinda changed? lol
I did actually get a new mic yes. People kept telling me how disastrous the audio was before. I’m still getting to grips with how to actually use this new one and at the moment it kind of just sounds like I’m trying really hard to annunciate my words 😂 ~ Nathan
@@lovewho Don't want to upset you, but it always had sounded like that 😊
@@lovewho I think now the sound is a little clearer and a little less deep.
@@lovewho Sounds great. Congrats on the quantum improvement.
@@adelinec.789 I don't want upset you, but if you can't tell the Like and Subscribe at the end from the rest, you might not know anything about sound.
INTP here. Very accurate! Absolutely my attachment style.
I would call it a detachment style
@@louisejoel True that 😂
@@louisejoelwhen you realize that you like the other person you start getting anxious and try to avoid her in order to plan your actions , then you eventually "come back" ... rinse and repeat a few times until she starts thinking you are insincere.
You just gave me more info to look into on way I have a fear of relationships, thanks -INTP
I was pleasantly surprised by your placement of the INFP. When I was younger I probably jumped between all the attachment styles, but as I matured I became secure and confident in my relationships.
Underestimated the ISTP, I think. For us, emotional issues are dealt with in a straightforward, practical way. We are affectionate and playful when we have selected a reasonable partner. We don’t expect perfection and we respect a person’s uniqueness. Sure, we can’t stand chronic emotionality but we will set clear boundaries; if that doesn’t work for a partner the relationship probably won’t go far. If committed we tend to stay loyal through thick and thin. That’s my take. ISTJ has been a pretty good match for me. 👍🙂
Hey i am INTJ and my gf is istp. She's avoidant. When we a have simple argument she become silent. She dislike talking about any issues that is related to our relationship. She want to forget it than resolve it. Now we are under cool off stage and maube before this year 2023 end we might break-up.
@@thedropoutfarmer3128, you might consider that she has been mistyped; I think so.
Either way, lead the way. As the man, you are in the position to clarify expectations that she sit down and deal with each problem with you, if she chooses to continue the relationship and have it grow to a better one; otherwise, it is over.
If she is ISTP, just lovingly walk her through it; starting new things is not easy for them so just push a little. It’ll be worth it. 🙏🙂
Fearful-Avoidant ENFP. I like people pretty much, but not when they are close. I feel like that can be limiting af. Like, when you've got a cat, you can adore it, but now you also can't travel as much as you want, because it'll be stressed. Same with romantic partners: you can love them, but now every big decision have to be two side agreement (in the best scenario. In worse, partner may be an asshole and try to limit you willingly).
This is exactly my issue with every relationship I've ever had, and I still dont know what to do about it!
@@cathyslater1027 enfp here: I found an intj that totally accepts me as I am. It's validating and I've finally learned some patience. They are also somewhat reserved/distant emotionally and this keeps me interested and avoids that feeling of being stifled. Try one out for yourself! 🤣
I'm an ENFJ - gave birth to an INFJ daughter four years ago. She developed a proclivity - crazy early - to asking "you like me?" over and over, in an extremely affectionate but offhanded way. And I'm like ouuuuuch - THAT hits a little too close to home: I don't say that out loud, but it's an impulse inside that I struggle with continually. "Validate, validate, VALIDATE, PLEASE!" So I dunno. Anxious might just be an xNFJ thing: even when we learn to project more chill, I'm not sure the neediness thing ever *quite* goes away? Having someone else validate our feelings is one of the main ways we process stress.
Married to an INTJ. He definitely straddles secure and avoidant, but fights the latter: I think it was developed as a coping mechanism for protecting his oh so very vulnerable Fi from various unhealthy people around him that he couldn't simply avoid. 🤷
Afaik, you can work your way up to a secure attachment style, I'm anxious and I used to ask my gf to validate me, but I've searched a bit and doing that just tells your brain that it is okay, so you keep doing it. If your S/O don't have a problem with it, I guess it's fine, but you should be able to trust yourself without the opinion of others.
Take this with a grain of salt, I'm no expert in this, I'd say that is better to do some research yourself.
@@xPolqr *nods* oh yeah, for sure - and no worries, there's no risk of my SO indulging me there, that's for sure. Like I said: INTJ. He couldn't validate Fe things if he wanted to. 😂 Honestly, I think I do have a pretty stable attachment style, end of the day ... But if I'm feeling extra stressed and need some validation, I call my INFJ mom. We have ourselves a ten minute mutual validation sesh and both feel better. 🤣 So, I dunno, even with all the growth allowances being made, there's a certain amount of that "neediness" that may be just a permanently installed app around here.
ENFP here with fearful avoidant. Best of both worlds. 😬
It took a couple of years to try my hardest to go from Avoidant to Secure (still getting there fully but...)! Great analysis, overall - as always.
I feel being avoident is the best.
how did you change?
@@JstJaybeingJay In a selfish way, perhaps. It is fairly common for avoidant and anxious people to form a relationship, which ends up turning into a sad power dynamic. The person who is the least invested in a relationship has the most power over it, which means that the avoidant person almost always has the upper hand by a mile. So in a way, yeah, being avoidant is "the best". However, you're breaking your partner's heart in the process and also stopping yourself from experiencing deep love. If you prefer being avoidant, then you're not choosing a relationship for the sake of partnership. You're choosing it for the sake of control.
As an ENTJ woman, I have had different attachment styles with every person I have dated. I was pursuing my relationships as I was pursuing my goals. My first boyfriend was an ESFP and I remember being so anxious style(d) before we started dating, but after I "reached the goal" I was avoidant and focused on my own life. My second (semi)boyfriend was an ENTP, and Oh God, I was so in love with him. I was extremely attached and was definitely anxious style(d), because he was showing me very low interest but at the same time, it was kinda hot. Btw when he rejected me I gave him a really cruel revenge, but whatever. My current boyfriend is also an ENTJ and we both have a very secure attachment style. Maybe Im actually a little avoidant. I think you can really understand your style only when you are dating the right person. I have found that Im somewhere between avoidant and secure when my mental health is stable.
Oh I forgot to mention an INTP that I was in a semi-relationship with. He was extremely introverted and I was too INTENSE for him. But we had so many interesting conversations about science and stuff, it was the best.
Can def see a "cruel revenge" as an ENTP deal-breaker. Cruelty tends to bring out Hulk-like justice-anger. It's a very likely result, so I wouldn't try that ever again.
ENTJ? Sick! Like INTJ, just better :D
Im an ENTP girl....what was your really cruel revenge? 🤔😂
@@Niko_from_Kepler There is no better type between the two, just different
I can already see unevolved ENFJ going into Anxious. I started in Anxious and then migrated into more Secure-Avoidant after I got cynical.
EDIT: Nathan called it.
Your insight into us ENFJ's is spot on. I easily overthink every "move" my partner is making. When it comes to texting, I am always making note of how long it took for them to respond. It's much harder to tell if someone is avoiding me or genuinely busy through a device. That extra affirmation really puts my worries to rest and is why I could never date an avoidant type.
I think it depends on the emotional maturity of the Avoidant type. I learned that everyone has 2 attachment styles. I'm a "secure-avoidant" INTJ, and, I have a lot of respect for ENFJs. I can say that INTJs go hard for the people we love. We save our sweet and affectionate side for our significant other. We take relationships VERY seriously. So if there's an improvement you need us to make, like supplying more words of affirmation, speak up because we won't catch on. Also, it would help if you became more secure. Worrying about how long it takes someone to text is just unnecessarily stressful. But don't say you'd NEVER be with an Avoidant type. You may be missing out on the greatest love of your life.
Hey, fellow ENFJ! 👋
Yeah, I've been there. If someone doesn't text me for a while I try to remember something like "maybe they're at a movie" to assuade my anxiousness lol, but it's hard.
Exactly, It feels like a roller coaster ride. With highs and lows. But then the lows are needed for the high crazy feelings too. And she is secure, so things are going very stable and fun overall. It is just that we overthink things too much and play too much things idealistic.
13:17 on Fe vs Fi - a good observation you made, and it definitely applies for me (INFP) and my mother (INFJ). It would seem that I cause more friction on the surface, but it's because I sense a lot of unresolved emotions in our family which aren't being expressed, and I want to work through that.
I agree that INTJ seems to fit really well into the avoidant category. However, I do think that INTJs who grew up in a very unstable household might be more likely to display behavioral patterns more inline with the fearful-avoidant type.
I think most people might, in a way…but definitely INTJs. I don’t know about this particular chart, but in general, I would say INTJs are all around, the most secure, solid, smart, personality type, and when they let you in, a little, they are like a blossoming flower, really, and reveal their remarkable emotional intelligence.. so brilliant, are INTJs. So worth the effort. -INFJ
@@quintuplebanned4267 secure, solid, smart, is not measured with MBTI, Also INTJ si not the best type, everyone have something good and bad, if an INTJ plan something but something goes wrong, they can't adapt
@@dtcruz8953 the first part of your comment is true, but so the same implies to adaptability, it's not only mindset that has to do with it, but experience and analysis(think of it as a skill), if you're valuing your own comfort enough, you'll deal with things. Yes, I myself do get pissed off for long periods of time when I'm involved in unexpected unavoidable situations, which affect my plans, but this doesn't influence the way I adapt. I just reschedule things so they fit the deadline better or increase working speed and lessen rest. It's not MBTI that builds this, tho it probably has a saying. (I might just live in an environment that requires it developing)(But think of a personality as a set of developed and undeveloped skills, they all require practice and same goes to adjustment)
@@unavailablewuxian4923 Every MBTI can develop skills in different ways, it's obvious
Or also if the INTJ has had relationship trauma in the childhood years. It is possible too that the trauma goes unresolved.
Being an INFJ, I am used to have anxious avoidant style since I don't want to be responsible with people's emotions but I would also get insecure if someone do not give me proper attention.
I guess I am moving on and learning to build secure attachment style. I don't get insecure anymore and stay confident in myself. People have issues and they are not always the same to react friendly to me, I finally understood that. And there are things you got to take responsibility, if you really care for it, I get that too.
I mostly agree with what you have concerning the ESTP, INTJ, and ISTJ. My kids are all avoidant types. I'm an INFP and I truly feel like an avoidant type myself. I feel like my environment made me that way. I was a born touch me not, but being shy and my dad being in the service meant that I was never able to get close to anyone and develop meaningful relationships with people because it was just too hard, so I closed myself off even more. My husband, an ESTJ had a similar situation, but he was also adopted and his family went out of their way to make him feel unwanted. so he developed a very Anxious attachment relationship style. He needs constant reassurance, needs to hear I love more times than most people would feel comfortable saying it and has to be near me all of the time. We've been together for 20 years and I have to tell you, most days I just feel so tired out from having to deal with him. He, of course, deflects and says that he's normal and I'm the one with the issues and maybe I am. Maybe I just don't get him, but I feel like I have been trying to figure him out for 20 years, and I think I have him pegged pretty well. He's definitely the one with the issues. Our kids agree, lol!
You've perfectly summed up the difference between my ESFJ ex and my current INFP partner. My ESFJ ex and I got along amazingly from start to finish, but under the surface, things were very slowly falling apart, until one day we decided it was time to get a divorce. It wasn't much of a surprise to me, but nobody who knew us could have possibly expected it. My INFP partner is constantly thinking of our deeper compatibility and loves to talk about underlying patterns and beliefs that affect our relationship.
I'm ISTP, and Fearful-Avoidant does seem to describe me pretty well, though I'm not really sure what degree of intensity of "symptoms" is conventionally required in order to belong to that category. Is it more along the lines of personality disorders, in which the signs need to be significantly affecting quality of life over a sustained period of time, or is it more like a tendency, which might not have any stringent requirements to fall under? If it's just a general tendency, I'd be Fearful-Avoidant. If it's more like a disorder, I might be closer to Secure.
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I think there should be a category between avoidant and fearful-avoidant, only for INTJs😂
My thoughts exactly haha!
Yes.
OMG Same, I will say for the XNTJ gang
As a 40 year-old, cisfemale INFP, I can tell you that in my younger years, I was a hot mess when it came to relationships. I was 100% the self-loathing, depressed INFP stereotype that so many other personalities have horror stories about. Sadly, it stemmed from a very emotionally abusive childhood. Fortunately in my old age, I’ve gained wisdom and self-esteem, finding healthy coping mechanisms to make me happy. My ISTP husband also had a traumatic childhood, and we have found healing within each other. 💖 He is definitely in that fearful-avoidant category, but being an introvert myself, I have no problem giving him the space he needs to be his amazing ISTP self. Imma just go paint unicorns. 😂
This post gave me hope - I'm ISTP and definitely fearful avoidant and my lovely partner is an anxious INFP. We're helping each other through this life maze too.
I’m so happy to see another INFP+ISTP in the comments! 💕 We are an unusual match, to be sure, but we can also provide a much needed balance to the more potato aspects of our personalities. From an older INFP perspective, I honestly feel the thing that keeps my head on straight is HAVING THINGS TO DO. I cannot emphasize this enough! INFP imaginations are wild things, and if we don’t focus that limitless power on something good and healthy (i.e., creative outlets), it results in us overthinking/stressing/freaking out/hating ourselves. I’m an artist for a living, and focusing my attention on my art and building beautiful, imaginary worlds really turns my focus away from “my husband isn’t talking to me, whatdidIdoIamabadpersonIsuckbawsIdontdeservehimheisgonnaleaveme-STOP. Time to paint some goddamn winged bunnies or glitter dragons or magic porcupines, because stewing SUCKS. It tears relationships apart. 💕💖 I hope your INFP will come to this realization one day, because it’s like reaching a meta-state of mental well-being. My ISTP knows I’d walk through the fires of hell for him, but he also knows I TRUST HIM to just want to go on a damn hike or something. “Just leave a note, baby,” I say with a smile.
I wish you and your INFP partner all the love in the world! 💕
@Anne the Idealist Hmm… honestly, it boiled down to me accepting that I will never be as perfect as I desperately wished to be, and the sadly ironic thing that got me to that point was getting an autoimmune disease diagnosis. It completely turned my list of priorities on my head, and little things that were once SO IMPORTANT seemed utterly stupid to me. In my physical pain, I sought ways to create joy, and accepted that my joy was enough. I love making people happy with my art, and that is where I found my calling. Find your true love within yourself, my friend. INFPs are fucking rad!! 💖
Trauma can do a number to anyone though. I am an INFJ and I have Fearful-Avoidant attachment style. Doing a lot of inner work to heal. Finding my MBTI was a first step into knowing myself, and that lead to discovering my attachment style. Not having Fi as a strength, a lot of things were and are a mystery to me. Things have gotten better, through hard work. But its work worth doing.
Thankyou for getting straight to the material and not talking about yourself all the time. Your clips are excellent 👍
INFP with INTP tendencies. Definitely fearful avoidant but my childhood environment one million percent contributed to that.
I'm an ENFJ with an anxious attachment style, so I found what he said about my type so true. I can def see the link between Fe and anxious attachment
Wow this was valuable content for real
Glad to hear it and thank you for this comment! Feel free to check out the various other videos on the channel if you haven't already ~ Nathan
@@lovewho for sure 🙏
You nailed my type (esfp)- really accurate analysis. I fluctuate between secure and avoidant. And my ENFP wife is DEFINITELY in the anxious-secure, so you got that one right, as well!
as an INFP I am so happy you put us in secure attatchment style. I agree closely with what you said about external vs internal friction. I often have experienced turbulent relationships in terms of arguments or bickeering however emotionally I find myself easily resolving them not only internally but externally as well since i know exactly how I feel i'm able to pinpoint issues and communicate and resolve it with someone. I think INFP's might be outwardly appearing as anxious attatchment but internally we know exactly what we want and how we feel which inwardly allows us to feel quite secure and safe. INFP's emotional intelligence is our greatest gift.
our outward expression of emoition is often mistaken as anxiousness, however i think INFP's ability to display emotions is what makes us so strong. It is very couragous to be vulnerable, thats why i think can actually feel so secure and confident in a relationship most of the time
For some reason, this is one of the categorical/sorting the types videos I can finally understand and have a sort of similar analysis to yours!! Coolll!!
I love how you gave a great explanation Nathan! You are right about life experience can change where we would be placed.
As one of your ESFJ'S, when I first started dating I was definitely in Anxious, but life has made me learn from mistakes and I believe I am in Secure now. 😉
You've just reassured this ISFP! There's literally _nobody_ in my town who can value and appreciate my approach to life. I was starting to think I was the issue. Phew!
I confess it is correct (ENFP here) 😅 Maybe I should look for someone who is in the anxious category as well for a future relationship so I can be attention seeking without beeing annoying 🤗
It's interesting that you have your own theory about adult attachment styles based on MBTI. The implication seems to be that the person's comfort with their own and other people's emotions determines their adult attachment style, which is both subtle and intriguing. As a psych student, I was taught that attachment styles are relevant only to parent-child relationships and may manifest in any number of ways in adults. For example, anxiously attached children may grow up to have excellent adult relationships or not, depending on how the anxious attachment is managed in childhood, the point being that there is no clear relationship between anxious attachment and adult behavior. However, I believe your reworking of the theory has merit.
I love that Warren Buffet quote of focusing on avoiding making obvious mistakes, that's how I moved from Bronze (bottom 1%) to Diamond (top 1%) in League of Legends. I'm still not a good player, I just stopped being a horrible player ;D
Very informative video btw, althought I (as an ENTP) would throw myself into the Fearful-Avoidant category, which would also fit most other ENTPs I know.
They're hesitant of catching feelings (avoidant), but once it happened they're afraid of the whole thing ending again (fearful).
It's like taking a shower. I hate going in there, but once I'm in the cabin you can't get me out again lol
That League statistics is so incorrect. Neither bronze or diamond is the bottom of top 1%.
As an INFJ I was surprised to be put in the secure category and had to think about it, since I often feel anxious about where I "stand" in a relationship. I came to the conclusion that when I am a healthy INFJ, then I actually am secure, but when I am starting to veer down the dark side then no. I know I definitely want to be secure!
Ah yes, I'm secure type... as secure as possible since I have never been in a (romantic) relationship - an INFP stuck in a vicious circle of "I'm not good enough for anyone I like", "It's hard for me to to get romantically attracted to anyone" & "There's no way that anyone would like me" 😅
Yes! It's so hard to get past that!
I'm not surprised Nathan revealed INFPs are Secure 🔐 -- I have most often made good decisions in relationships and feel secure in myself AND my relationships. Hmmm. My hubby is likely an ISTJ and is also secure and strong and stable. Maybe a bit avoidant but also secure in many ways. Thanks Nathan!
I think you’re absolutely correct. At least for my family members. I’m an INTP mom and my hubby is an ENTJ. My eldest daughter is an ENTP, second daughter is an INTJ, and third daughter is an ENFP.
I knew it was gonna fall under secure lol, that's a good thing tho -ISFP
I will say that Avoidant can be second place, I think other Isfps can agree that in a relationship with no space can start to get a little... Claustrophobic.
ISFP here. And yeah, I was very confident that he will place us under secure. And when he did, O am happy! What he said was spot on. He said that somehow we can funnel out people that we don't want to meddle to our lives.
I’m an ISFP, I usually don’t have an issue in a relationship unless I’m lied to. I have learned that a strong lie with no plans to take responsibility is what will tank a relationship with me- in the past I may have actually switched to anxious, trying to compromise and make sure the conflict is resolved, which can sometimes be counterproductive. Honestly it’s hard to even think of anything else other than like…unnecessary drama. Idk it’s hard to tell.
As an INFJ I can confirm that I have an anxious-avoidant attachment style. Although it really depends on the person and the situation!
in that case you can say that about any group smh
INTJ here: definitely avoidant. When I was younger, it was more fearful-avoidant, but eventually I realized that it was because I associated relationships with financial security (being female, and raised to expect that a man would take care of me to a certain extent.) Once I attained financial stability on my own, I moved straight into Avoidant and never tried again to be in a relationship. It's exhausting, and... well... I have my own money now, so there's just no point. My only regret is that I didn't realize when I was young the extent to which my motivations were financial.
I’m also INTJ and got avoidant on an attachment styles quiz
Fearful-Avoidant here, unfortunately. Not the kind I’d take myself for but it’s the points I’ve heard from others lol, intimacy seems so appealing but the execution of it is intimidating, limiting, and uncomfortable. I don’t understand how this can come so naturally to others, it’s something I somewhat envy. People are already difficult for me to tolerate, as is.
-ISTP
My brother is an ISTP and he's in a healthy, loving relationship and they've been living together for a while very happily. It's possible so chin up :) his gf is extremely independent and has no problem with going off and doing her own thing if he can't come or doesn't want to, but she's a really bubbly kind person who I think inspires him to relax and show some Fe. You guys just need someone who doesn't expect you to be good at that but can show you how.
Side note, I actually wouldn't put you guys in the fearful-avoidant category myself. Depending on the person and their Fe development I'd say either secure or avoidant. You aren't a very anxious bunch lol
@@whitneyd6827 That’s good to hear. I really do stick with the hope that -if I find a partner- they won’t be too demanding in those areas I don’t naturally take well. Relationships sound intimidating as hell but it’s nice knowing people have their own on track even with similar issues.
@@user-el6my6vi7p Not everyone needs an overly affectionate partner, you'll find someone :) and honestly relationships are intimidating for everyone so you're not alone I promise
- your polar opposite
I'm a bit lovely dovey by nature as an ENFP but I typically tend to dial it back for my ISTP partner and be understanding when they need their space
@@ashleycook300 Yeah direct communication and personal boundaries would be a goal I’d really work to maintain in any kind of relationship, I think it’s surprising how non-confrontational, or invasive, people can be. The dynamics between types are interesting, I actually really enjoy ESxP’s I’m pretty sure my best friend is one lol. Thanks for the input, glad to hear about the happy relationship.
Oh do types x love languages one!!
Yes ISTJs tend to show love via "Acts of Service"...though after 13 yrs my partner has improved with communication but it takes ongoing work and he naturally did not like affection (he is habituated to it now and loves it but only from me) and under communicates -not just about emotions; about everything. I still have to stop him and make him identify what he is feeling. (It's not about having to "share" or any Fe shit, it's about understanding where your impulse is coming from so you don't have to just blindly repress it and then when you fail to it bursts out in a destructive way...it roesnt have to be deep, just kindergarten stuff ie "I'm angry and I need space. I'm going for a walk and I'll *be back* in an hr or 2" ratger than say, waving a fist at someone and grabbing and shaking them or punching a hole in something).
It also took me along time to realize the relationship between him doing acts and his feelings for me. I thought he just did things because he wanted them done. I've also learned alot of discipline from him.
INTP here. I’m just coming out of a long-term relationship with an INTJ female. I can certainly testify to having a fearful-avoidant attachment style. If things ever became heated in arguments my first instinct was definitively, almost always to elope.
ISTP here and I completely agree
ISFJ I actually have an avoidant attachment style. But I feel like this happens more at first when I’m trying to discern whether to trust someone. However, I do warm up to people when I do start feeling comfortable around them and start opening up to them. I’m still working on my self-esteem and self-confidence. I can set boundaries and leave relationships too when I feel like I’m being mistreated or someone has crossed a boundary. I feel like I’m growing into a more secure relationship style. I can totally see a healthy ISFJ have a secure style 😁
As an INFJ, I have to say I'm definitely fearful-avoidant. Though depending on what site I'm using, I'm almost always flipping between INFJ and INTJ.
Find it surprising that INFP would be in the secure category, as onethat’s had a relationship with an INFJ and an INTP, I would say I became like their attachment styles. I’m now with an ISFJ and it’s the best relationship I’ve ever had. It feels so secure 😊
ENFP here and I feel closer to the fearful-avoidant honestly, because I've seen people idealised only by their positive traits and easily forgive them it's not rare when I'm being taken advantage and I do not learn from the past. I still crave those connections but also have to keep an eye up in case I'm idealising too much again so I'd rather stay distant.
Also BF is INTJ and I would feel him closer to the anxious style, he needs a lot of validation and I'm always willing to give it to him, but sometimes when I don't say the exact same words he's expecting there's problems, and me being emotionally distant sometimes does not help because he'd start overthinking and second guess what I may be going on or what he may have done wrong.
We still manage to make it work, we'll learn together about it
Yes I agree. ENFP are n more anxious avoidant . I blow hot and cold depending on the circumstances. 😃
Yes, I'm between anxious-avoidant and secure. In the beginning of a relationship I'm anxious-avoidant and then I learn to actually trust my partner and over time it becomes secure. To a lesser degree I have this problem with friendships too.
INTJ
I'd say I'm somewhere between avoidant and secure
Great points. Although, if I may add, Some INFJs can choose to appear secure, while truly being in the avoidant/fearful-avoidant category on the inside. It's strange to think of stable-seeming people having this reality. And although I know that I may be speaking for a minority within the minority here, it's stormier on the inside than what many may assume. You aren't wrong on your take, but this is also worth considering.
Or not.
I'm just a lemon on the internet. What do I know.
Last sentence got me lmao wasn’t expecting that
as an INTP, this is the first time I feel that you just missed it. Avoidant absolutely. Maybe if you consider ambivalence to be equivalent to need, you could throw in the fearful. Honestly, though, there's very little pull against my push. I'll look after myself, thank you.
As an infp I'm going to say I agree with this, I think we tend to deeply understand the merits and drawbacks of our relationships with others and when possible, this leads to us having overall healthier relationships
We know when people arent our people
0:38 If Dear Kristin (who is an ESFP that also endorses this) has a competitive streak, this could get interesting...
😈
😏😏 looking forward to this.
Oh yeah ur my type, my favorite app to type you off of the big five. Very cool and epic!!
As an INFP who had a really wonderful upbringing and very caring and loving parents, I suppose it would make sense that I would have a secure attachment style, but.....I don't. I certainly am comfortable with my own emotions, and am always processing how I feel about things on default all the time, but the description of the anxious attachment style hit me on such a deep level, I know that it's me. And in my very limited relationship experience, I've always been very unhealthy and I exhibit the anxious style so much. It's so weird, I honestly feel like it shouldn't be me, but it is. I feel something is very wrong with me in this regard.
Nothing is wrong with you, I relate to that style too. It's really hard to trust someone fully and also have confidence in your worth. I'm super critical of myself to a fault. But I always to try to remember that I do have worth and deserve to be happy... As do you!
@@namelessgrace6319 Thank you for that; yes, I think my biggest struggle as well is having confidence in my worth. I have very low self-esteem issues, although there is no reason for me to have them, but I still do. Oddly, I trust people way too easily, and wear my heart on my sleeve, when I often shouldn't. This whole issue is so painful and difficult so much of the time :"(
Wow that differentiation of Fi versus Fe was pretty good, and how I was working on picturing it. My mom INFP seems erieely good at telling me what a person was likely feeling when they did a specific thing with no visual clues, but with visual reference I feel lost as to what to think about what motivated them.
Without*
Pretty accurate. I've never been as good as the Fe-doms in my life at social smoothness and keeping everything pleasant on the surface, but I often delve deeper into underlying issues, both within myself and within relationships. Would've expected INFPs to be put under anxious or avoidant based on stereotypes; glad that's not the case, though frankly I'd forgive it given the number of unhealthy INFPs I've seen around.
Definitely agree that a healthy version of any type should have a secure attachment style. I was a little concerned going into this video for exactly that reason.
This was so interesting to listen to. As an INFP, I actually tested as a fearful avoidant.. several times lol. But i still really appreciate your analysis because a lot of it still rings true. I like your "fi vs fe" explanation. In the relationships I have with people (mostly familial and platonic) I can usually decipher what the dynamic and status of our emotional intimacy is because I can read people well enough that way. Yet when it comes to why things still aren't working extrinsically when they by definition should I'm soo lost. A true puzzle. :)
As an INFJ I'm very happy to see that someone thinks I have the potential to be good at something for a change haha. -Sincerely an Anxious Avoidant
Imagine having Nathan at your wedding tho
100% agree, I’m an ENFP who is somewhere between Avoidant and Fearful-Avoidant and working on becoming Secure. My boyfriend is an ISTJ surprisingly and he is very obviously Avoidant. Gotta say that it is not easy to say the least but all the more worth it
For the most part, you’re right about me as an INTJ-A. Avoid yes and also mostly selective. The potential person to add to my life has to be convenient for me. The man can’t be too needy and need constant togetherness. I need someone who needs his alone time or freedom as much as I do. At the start, we only come together for the physical part. We can’t be constantly in each other’s space or face all the time. But at the same time he can’t just be anybody. INTJ’s have certain standards. I personally have to be able to respect a man before I would even consider wanting to get to know him at a deeper level.
Appreciate the new microphone
I am not surprised in the slightest. - INTP
I am myself a mixture of Anxious and Avoidant.
I can sometimes get into the "Si grip"-style of thinking without wanting to, and I slip into the Anxious side of it.
Still, most of the time it is going to be the Avoidant type.
-ENTP
Anxious avoidant describes me perfectly. I cling one day, and run away the next.
Wow this was very insightful. As a student of MBTI, I have never heard of the attachment style for ESFJ’s and it completely made sense. Thanks for this insight. Nathan I follow a lot of channels but you are the BEST at this. Just love your intellectual and concise breakdowns. Thanks 💕
Bro. When you were explaining the attachment types and got to Fearful-Avoidant, I was like thats me and then you immediately put INTP in that category so I think you're spot on with that one lol. -INTP
I would love to know what Nathan's personality type is, though I'm afraid we'll never know, for objectivity's sake. This is high key the best TH-cam channel on MBTI. Have you considered discussing temperaments in conjunction with personality types?
If I remember correctly he's an INTP but that's according to the 16 personalities test he did in one of his videos so who knows
Check out the first videos,
A women started the channel and passed the torch to Nathan
As I recall it seemed she had a "type" that she obviously favored ..
And Nathan fit that type well
Clue: Nathan is wearing his fluffy hoodie again
@@blackwinter361 LOL IS
@@louisejoelUK central heating and buildings and weather
a fluffy hoodie's function may have a different connotation
When you were explaining the attachment styles i thought to myself that I have a mix between the anxious and avoidant attachment style and then you explained the fearful avoidant , so i think that's my attachment style. I'm intp btw.
Infp here. I’d say unhealthy Infps are fearful-Avoidant and healthy or more mature infps are secure. I’m still working on getting to secure and I’m 34.
Yes, I'm forty'ish INFP who has definetly found myself becoming more secure with age. I think I've spent my like exploring myself and others and finally found some sort of inner understanding.