Thank you very much for this wonderful video. It was absolutely spot on describing the unhealthy dynamics in play. My earliest memory of a verbal interaction with my mother is of her guilt tripping me because at 4 years old I enjoyed playing with my father and she felt like "the big bad wolf." I wasted decades of my life and hundreds of hours trying to cheer up and calm down a fundamentally unhappy and unwell woman who projected her own childhood issues on to me. Please younger channel viewers don't waste your honest loving and good energy on trying to give emotional CPR to what is sadly someone who is "dead inside." Dr Jay nailed it with that phrase. I tried repeatedly for decades to kindly steer my mother towards therapy. But she is too attached to her role as perpetual victim and all I ever received was anger, tears and martyred stonewalling. And the people pleasing that ensured cost me in my career, my health and other relationships. So, please take care of yourselves, use excellent resources like Dr Jay's and follow his advice to build emotional health through therapy and well designed courses. Life is different on the other side but it is worth it, however old you are when you start. ❤
Wow, this is the very first time ever that I’ve heard any therapist of any type describe exactly how I’ve been most of my life, though I’ve started recognizing that it’s not normal and that others aren’t like me, but I never really understood why this is how I am. I need to rewatch this video as I’m just so stunned that you’re naming exactly all the “issues” I’ve had at trying to make others feel loved, to the detriment of my own happiness and well-being. Thank you so much! Will watch more of your videos.
Thank you, Jay. What you described is very much how my younger brother treated me. No matter what I did in the hope of conveying my love, he readily and easily found strange and petty reasons to pick faults. My love froze, and I can't get myself to talk to him. I doubted my ability to love because of his strategies to undermine it.
Jay, thank you for all your help! I appreciate all your work and effort you put into these videos. It is definitely an incremental process, that does wiggle around, not an easy-to-follow straight, even path! I love the info that we as children wanted, and needed to know our love for our parent/s mattered to them; I never really thought about that before you mentioned it in previous videos. That is rejection of our deepest, most precious gift we can give as children! Heartbreaking! On a lighter note, love how you let your personality shine through in these also. For example, "Spidey Sense" and "wiggle" instead of up and down, forward and backward, etc. You make it more fun and relateable/friendly. Thank you!
Some people are unlovable. And by some people, I mean narcissists. It's not the child's responsibility to give them the worth they crave. It's thier responsibility 😢
Thank you Jay!! My mum constantly openly told me that "unlucky the man that you will marry, because with your selfishness and laziness you will destroy his life" and of course at the same time blaming me when I was single. My "selfishness" in her opinion was due to the fact that I didn't do all the infinite chores that she asked me to do, and even when I did them, she complained every time that I didn't do them perfectly enough. So I constantly have these thoughts in the back of my mind unfortunately, even if I try not to listen to them too much, but they instilled doubts in me.
I would like to see a video sometime about dealing with these issues in difficult political and socioeconomic times. With things as they currently are, I've got to work with what I've got and it might not be the ideal or what would be possible if I had complete freedom. This is especially a problem for members of groups scapegoated by society, as it can trigger PTSD in people who had terrible upbringings in the scapegoat role.
narcissist family and their friends keep gaslighting me to take "accountability" and they try to silence the scapegoat survivor to not tell the truth because they know i have nothing and nobody
I'm finding it difficult to understand that real love does not come at a price. I know this intellectually, but I'm struggling to know this emotionally. I'm feeling ineligible. Ineligible to occupy the seat of my own consciousness.
So true, knowing it intellectually but struggling to know it emotionally. Some kind of support group really helps. We need many corrective experiences of healthy connection over time. Then the brain resolves the mixed message and heals your core belief. It's really deep.
Hi Jay, bought and listened to your 2nd book, its excellent stuff and so helpful. You are producing some seriously high quality materials on this subject. If I'm not mistaken it seems you take requests on subjects for this videos. I was wondering could you do a video on what to do in the meantime if you're not yet in a position to afford therapy? How can someone get their mental health to a state well enough to reach a position in life where they become able to afford it? It is unfortunately somewhat unattainable for many in these times. Thanks for all you do
Here is the link to the course mentioned in the video: lp.jreidtherapy.com/empowerment-course-scapegoat-survivors
All my life I believed I was not deserving of love.
I now realize this is not true.
I have been abused
Sadly every partner mirrored my parents & after 66 years it’s time to give up on other humans & just trust my gut to stay safe from predators
Thank you very much for this wonderful video. It was absolutely spot on describing the unhealthy dynamics in play. My earliest memory of a verbal interaction with my mother is of her guilt tripping me because at 4 years old I enjoyed playing with my father and she felt like "the big bad wolf." I wasted decades of my life and hundreds of hours trying to cheer up and calm down a fundamentally unhappy and unwell woman who projected her own childhood issues on to me. Please younger channel viewers don't waste your honest loving and good energy on trying to give emotional CPR to what is sadly someone who is "dead inside." Dr Jay nailed it with that phrase. I tried repeatedly for decades to kindly steer my mother towards therapy. But she is too attached to her role as perpetual victim and all I ever received was anger, tears and martyred stonewalling. And the people pleasing that ensured cost me in my career, my health and other relationships. So, please take care of yourselves, use excellent resources like Dr Jay's and follow his advice to build emotional health through therapy and well designed courses. Life is different on the other side but it is worth it, however old you are when you start. ❤
This is brilliant ! Thank you !
Wow, this is the very first time ever that I’ve heard any therapist of any type describe exactly how I’ve been most of my life, though I’ve started recognizing that it’s not normal and that others aren’t like me, but I never really understood why this is how I am. I need to rewatch this video as I’m just so stunned that you’re naming exactly all the “issues” I’ve had at trying to make others feel loved, to the detriment of my own happiness and well-being. Thank you so much! Will watch more of your videos.
This made me cry 😢😢
Thank you, Jay. What you described is very much how my younger brother treated me. No matter what I did in the hope of conveying my love, he readily and easily found strange and petty reasons to pick faults. My love froze, and I can't get myself to talk to him. I doubted my ability to love because of his strategies to undermine it.
Jay, thank you for all your help! I appreciate all your work and effort you put into these videos. It is definitely an incremental process, that does wiggle around, not an easy-to-follow straight, even path!
I love the info that we as children wanted, and needed to know our love for our parent/s mattered to them; I never really thought about that before you mentioned it in previous videos. That is rejection of our deepest, most precious gift we can give as children! Heartbreaking!
On a lighter note, love how you let your personality shine through in these also. For example, "Spidey Sense" and "wiggle" instead of up and down, forward and backward, etc. You make it more fun and relateable/friendly. Thank you!
Thank you for elucidating this concept. This is a core fear for me as a scapegoat child, especially in parenting.
Thank you so much for this! You help me so much every time
Thank you ❤
Some people are unlovable. And by some people, I mean narcissists. It's not the child's responsibility to give them the worth they crave. It's thier responsibility 😢
Thank you Jay!! My mum constantly openly told me that "unlucky the man that you will marry, because with your selfishness and laziness you will destroy his life" and of course at the same time blaming me when I was single. My "selfishness" in her opinion was due to the fact that I didn't do all the infinite chores that she asked me to do, and even when I did them, she complained every time that I didn't do them perfectly enough. So I constantly have these thoughts in the back of my mind unfortunately, even if I try not to listen to them too much, but they instilled doubts in me.
Similar things here, I was always way too messy, how would I ever get married and have kids! Well, I married a man who can organise, lol.
I would like to see a video sometime about dealing with these issues in difficult political and socioeconomic times. With things as they currently are, I've got to work with what I've got and it might not be the ideal or what would be possible if I had complete freedom. This is especially a problem for members of groups scapegoated by society, as it can trigger PTSD in people who had terrible upbringings in the scapegoat role.
Thank you Dr Jay. This makes me emotional and feel like I’m not crazy. Also, puts that one missing puzzle piece in understanding my mother b
Thank you Mr Jay ❤
Jay, I'm a scapegoat on ketamine right now, omg, this is the trip. ❤
There are so many things to say but I will only say this: I'm a schizoid.
Lmao bro relax 😂😂😂
@curiouscomplex290 and would you like to trade places with the abused?
narcissist family and their friends keep gaslighting me to take "accountability" and they try to silence the scapegoat survivor to not tell the truth because they know i have nothing and nobody
Thank you
I'm finding it difficult to understand that real love does not come at a price.
I know this intellectually, but I'm struggling to know this emotionally.
I'm feeling ineligible.
Ineligible to occupy the seat of my own consciousness.
So true, knowing it intellectually but struggling to know it emotionally. Some kind of support group really helps. We need many corrective experiences of healthy connection over time. Then the brain resolves the mixed message and heals your core belief. It's really deep.
Hi Jay, bought and listened to your 2nd book, its excellent stuff and so helpful. You are producing some seriously high quality materials on this subject. If I'm not mistaken it seems you take requests on subjects for this videos. I was wondering could you do a video on what to do in the meantime if you're not yet in a position to afford therapy? How can someone get their mental health to a state well enough to reach a position in life where they become able to afford it? It is unfortunately somewhat unattainable for many in these times. Thanks for all you do
Wow
❤
Thank You Jay ❤