6 keys to deal with a narcissist when you can’t get away
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 30 ก.ย. 2024
- In today’s video I’m going to offer 6 strategies for dealing with a narcissist when distance is not an option. The goal of these strategies is to protect yourself first and foremost in these interactions. I encourage you to take time to deliberate how you are going to approach interactions with the narcissistic parent or partner, what you are going to do if they mistreat you, and how you can maximize your sense of safety while you have to be in the midst of a narcissistic abuser. These keys are designed to help you think through these questions.
A link to my online course to Recover from Narcissistic Abuse: jreidtherapy.c...
The link to my free webinar on '7 Self-Care Tools to Recover from Narcissistic Abuse':jreidtherapy.c...
Here's the link to my e-book on Surviving Narcissistic Abuse as the Scapegoat: jreidtherapy.c...
Private Facebook Support Group that Accompanies the Online Course: / recoverynarcabuse
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A lot of narcissistic types will act like they don't understand your boundaries when you stick up for yourself. Sometimes it's best to act dumb yourself. It really confuses them when they can't get a reaction.
I’ve done that!! Acted dumb!!
I’ve also acted dumb just to get them to move on to some other activity and leave me alone.
@@Tinky456 💛
@@joellenklemek138 "Some other activity", love that LOL. That's when you know you won that round!
@Pelletier Yes. I’ve played dumb with manipulators and it shuts them up and I can easily blow them off.
In summary: 1. Avoid discussions with the narcissist about how unhealthy your relationship with them or lack thereof with them is. 2. Don't bother to inform the narcissist about the consequences of their unhealthy behavior to you unless you know that you can follow through on how to limit a repeat unhealthy scenario caused by them. 3. Be practical for survival while looking for permanent exit from being around narcissistic unhealthy behavior. 4. Have an immediate easy to go through with safety plan for when the first 3 steps fall short in keeping you safe. 5. Don't try to act way too nice in their presence in hopes that will help keep you safe. 6. Be matter of fact and business like around the narcissist while full expecting that will send them looking for new supply sooner. 7. Expand your social circle by focusing on relating to safe and healthy people during every minute you can.
It's not safe to "calmly informing them about the consequences". The narcs will take that as a personal attack and retaliate. I tried that when I was more dependent on the narcs, repeatedly. Mommy Dearest played petulant victim in all of her passive-aggressive glory, then withheld resources and made humiliating shaming comments, often about my body and bodily functions although her fave has always been variations on calling me childish and unreasonable. Sister Dearest bluntly said that it wasn't her problem how I took her comments, gaslighted the heck out of me, and went into rages. The only way to deal with this kind of crap is to implement selective hearing loss, and even that is not necessarily safe because it can easily cause a "Are you listening to me?" kind of tear down.
In the same manner, trying to reason with a narc in the middle of a conflict is also unsafe because it causes the "Oh you think you're so smart, you arrogant @#$#@ ?" kind of reaction. Flee the situation quietly if you can. Every kind of response can and will be used against you.
Amen. It is the definition of hell, without a doubt.
I'm sorry you dealt with this. I'm experiencing something similar.
Contact with this manipulative monsters as little as possible. 0 contact should be the goal.0 contact is should be always followed. I'm 4 years sober from evil family
Mommy Dearest is the label I put on my Mom's phone contact in my phone. Idk how she Saw it, but when she did, she Went Off. If the Shoe Fits..........
Wow, that struck a chord with me-the "are you listening" line. My narc mother uses that one CONSTANTLY. Usually, it's followed up with a 'you never let anyone else talk, or 'you don't look like you're listening. You don't care', then some variation of how I have it sooooo good because if she were her mom she'd have gotten hit, etc etc.
This video is very helpful because I feel trapped in my current living situation due to financial issues and I have been feeling very depressed about it.
Housing prices are dropping😊😊
I hope things get better for you soon
@@MzBAnthonyNot in my part of the country.
It is not an "if" but a "when" the narcissist will be abusive, unfortunately. Exhausting.
When I’ve had narcissists try to control me or demand that I answer to them, I say “I need to process my thinking on that first and then I’ll get back to you.” It shuts them up. Then when you get back with them, you say “I thought about it and my answer is no.”
brace for the punishment
I like this reply. It won’t shut mine up, but I still like it. It’s a good boundary.
I get: (mocking) oh you need to prooooocess do you? It’s a simple question, what are you an idiot?
I still hold the boundary…but her constant attacks, insults, and rages are exhausting.
@@kerrib2568 Maybe the narc is the idiot because she can’t understand that profound ideas are based on simple concepts so she doesn’t understand the importance of taking the time to process thinking.
These narcs are abusers. Their behavior is inexcusable and they need to have it thrown full force back into their faces.
@@kerrib2568 How about also refuse to listen and plow ahead with that big mouth.
@@tjd7964 yeah nothing really stops that. I’ve found headphones pretty useful though. 🎧
Can you do a situation about an npd mom who died and leaves a Npd sibling and a scapegoat behind… ?
I’m the scapegoat and my sibling is a very high scale NPD…who needed to divide the heritage and didn’t. (And my lawyer didn’t get the situation!)
Yep, went through the same situation. But despite the lost inheritance, I feel I am still the victor in this situation in every way, since I got out, and I also understand what was actually going on, finally. I am the only one in the family that can claim that. And I highly credit Jesus Christ for assisting me to escape.....and understand.....and forgive (but not interact). It is a satanic attack. This is why I would have dreams of snakes chasing me all the time when I was very young.....
While healing takes time, getting free can have immediate benefits. It’s all about safety and becoming your own advocate. The Narc WILL try to turn everything around on you and accuse you of everything they are guilty of. Remember that you are the TRUTH TELLER. And those can never be tolerated in a Narc’s world. Getting free is so important, there’s no time to waste. 🙏
Jay you are a Godsend! Each week you share things that help enormously, even if I don't think the video has a relevant title. I find it's all relevant!! Thank you SO much!!! 🙏💛
Godsend indeed.
And the timing for me... Perfect. 👍💛
Impeccable timing with this message thank you 🙏🏼💖💖
I escaped when I could, and I had to have someone telling me to just "hang up" or "don't go", and help me follow thru on no contact. I don't know if anyone abused by a narcissist can engage without being triggered and reactive before spending years practicing a lot of grey-rocking arguments. Also, narcissists are keen to take anything, including your "i" statements, defensively and will say you said things you didn't... My heart is with anyone who can't escape yet. My hope is everyone who needs to can
Yes, yes, yes. Get out. Save yourself!!
Thanks
🎯🤗
I’m 56, have mental health issues due to the abuse, and living with her because if this. Can’t work due to the depression and anxiety. Glad to see a therapist realize that sometimes you can’t easily leave the situation. Recent ones told me to move and got annoyed when I said I can’t. With what money? I need the therapy to get stable enough to work and leave, but therapists don’t want to show me how to get there unless I move. Tried already, cant work right now. Edited for wrong word.
@Eed thanks so much!
"With what money?" is a question I think not enough therapists, even well-meaning ones, understand to ask. Narcissists can and will steal from you -- even when the narcissist is the parent and you are the "child" (especially when the parents are elder, but even years & sometimes decades before, like if there is college money involved) and therapists who otherwise seem to understand narcissistic abuse talk about financial abuse without seeming to be able to articulate or theorize, much less help their clients find solutions for, the myriad forms financial abuse takes
You ard going to have to change something if you want your life to change. I also have anxiety and depression but have worked all my life .
@@Joelswinger34 of course. I’ve tried working and I’ve moved out several times including last year. . I’ve had therapy and meds (still in it), and prayer. So do you have any new ideas?
@Leigh Ann Walters mine does the same. Hiding checks in the mail that I received for over payments on certain bills. But then pretends that they showed me the money later once I found it. And silly me still turned around and spent some of the money on them like always
I work with one- it's a new position. I notice how easily I fall into the dynamic of the narc who can belittle me in small ways. It's frustrating because I am a kind empathic sincere introvert. They seem to smell my trust - and then, strike in small ways that seem like humor but are more as a cut-down. It's so disappointing when I sincerely wish to make kind trusting relations.
Thank you for this comment. I’m grateful you shared this as I am in a similar sitation. Its not my boss but more frequent customers I work with. Its hard to be an empath. They smell us coming.
The coming to Jesus moment!! This has been one of the hardest things to accept and sadly for along time I believed it was because of me! How flawed I was but I knew it wasn't me deep down.
This video highlights for me that even at age 51 my best and continued course of action is no contact. I would image for the rest of my life. As I pictured myself doing any of these suggestions I could also feel that hurt wounded part of me losing touch with his reality and inevitably believing the gaslighting. For me it's a tag team with mother and her husband. No win and best I stay away and heal and learn to live for me while I find and hopefully reject all the false beliefs about myself that got created learning from there twisted views
This was an excellent insightful video that provides very good practical useful tools for dealing with narcissistic antagonistic type of person, in many different situations! Thank you 😊
an altruistic narcissist is like a bad dream, you know something isn't right but everyone around you denies it
Yes. My aunt is like this.
This is so well done. Really quite an accomplishment. And it is a real blessing and public service that you’ve made the core pieces of your professional work freely available to the public. So many people can’t even access what relatively mediocre support there is out there, much less something like this, with both real depth and real-world applicability in the here nownow. Thank you again.
Hi Dr Reid.
Thank you so much for discussing this important topic.
I wonder if you could do more videos regarding this topic, using examples of communication and conflict resolution statements.
As a survivor, it's hard to remember how to apply unless I hear repetition.
Hearing examples helps so much.
Maybe a workshop perhaps?
Ebook..Surviving Narcissist Abuse As A Scapegoat
I'm in the exact same situation. This video helped so much. Thank you so much.
Lost, and enstranged from who we really are...we are loved❤
I don't think I am loved.
@@Joelswinger34 same I gave people a chance to love me over and over and I either got the door slammed in my face or had a select few drawn to me and all those drawn to me were abusive what's funny is I'm stubborn as hell and I still feel like I have a lot of love to give but the people that deserve it are never there
Thank you, really helpful tips. Also in the exact same situation as the person who asked this question and am job hunting in-order to get a job that allows for financial independence and one that doesn't has a toxic work enviroment.... not an easy task unforunately.
Many suggest grey work as the only way to deal with living with a narcissist but it works only sometimes and even needs to be used carefully in some situations like when they are angry where it can actually escalate the situation.
Thank you so much! Everything in this video was so helpful. ❤ The letting go of trying to repare the relationship was really eye opening to me.
I can't get away from my narcissistic mother, she isolated me when I was younger, no job, no friends, no boyfriends. Now I have nowhere to go or money and if I ever said any of these things to her she would throw me out on the streets and she uses this against me.
Same here. I also struggle with crippling social anxiety as a consequence of their treatment, so I‘m genuinely at a total loss as to how I‘m supposed to get a job and move out, idk how anyone does it. 🙃
Ok so I'm almost in the same boat as you only difference is I get jobs and always find a way to sabotage or I mess up and then don't want to be reprimanded so I just give up it's hell on earth
@@leahflower9924i struggle with jobs like this also. I tend to get scapegoated at work too and I don't know how to stop it.
After a 3 year journey of learning about npd, I am finally understanding that they are broken people. Nothing I or anyone else says will change the behaviour of these people, or the behaviour and beliefs of a toxic family system. It feels good to understand that. It feels good that it's nothing to do with me, not my responsibility, and even if i wanted to I couldn't change them. Then that leaves just one thing to do, go and live my life free of toxic people. I'm free. I choose where I go and who with. If I find myself with toxic people, thats my own choice, change it. Theres 9 billion people on this planet. Theres no excuse.
The advice in this video makes me scream one word: gray rock. I like how Jay says 'inform' them if you have to- and let go of expecting them to come to Jesus. Unhealthy families and employers are the inescapable narcissistic relationships.
People like us need to remember that dishonest abusers are abnormal, and we don't have to center their madness in our lives at all. Let them get used to watching out for us, and observing what normal behavior toward others is like.
Also, Jay, you are correct about seeking out safe supportive people during recovery.
Great advice, but for some of us, we were so isolated and maladjusted that we have to do that step once we’re ready to even deal with others of any sort.
Maladjusted is the perfect word, thank you! The only way I knew how to interact with people was by being a doormat, or not at all. I've lived basically a friendless life, and still don't know how to be social! I went to therapy but thought I had to focus on mainly what my step dad and his sexual abuse had done to me and how it has/had affected my life. No one ever recognized in my therapy sessions that I had a narcissistic mother after we left him! In four decades the word narcissist never ever came up in my life!! TH-cam introduced me to it and now I recognize both of them were narcissists and the person I had the most time with was actually my mother who did more damage than the sexual abuser!!! The way she raged at me, devalued me, was continually disappointed in me and who I was; I never realized all the damage she did!! It has been about three years since I discovered the meaning of the word narcissist and have been working on it since then. So much time has been lost just accepting that Mom and I had a bad relationship! Now I know she was a horrendous narcissist, she's dead now thank God, and my life is my own. But it's still not easy coming back from all of that.
Oh this is me, for years I've been longing for this ''come to jesus'' conversation. 😞
I'm from Eastern Europe and I'm very impressed by how our personal human experiences are similar despite the differences in historical, cultural and social experiences. Thank you very much for your invaluable knowledge that has helped me to better understand myself and others.
I'm listening. US citizen stuck in Israel for 3 years straight. He, my (married -I found out later) boyfriend placed a block on our daughter after she was one month and it is legal and I had no defense because this is his right as an Israeli man.
We are in court, but he sees her by order and yeah, i could go home but #notwithoutmydaughter
Ask God to help you......Jesus is our friend. God bless.
Thank you. I would have to quit my job to get away from my current one. And then there'd probably just be a new one at the new job!
This is my dilemma, narc boss and I'm almost at breaking point HR person has become flying monkey
"Come to Jesus conversation" I laughed there, and I know that means I am guilty of that. It is 100% useless. A hundred percent useless (it feels good to write this down haha).
Damned, how many narcissists does one have to encounter in a lifetime? Because, I've had waaaaaay too many in my own life. Makes one wish murder wasn't punishable if you're ridding the world of a narcissist.
Absolutely. Brilliant.
Brilliant.
Thank you, Jay!
Thank you. May you be deeply & abundantly blessed. 💜
This would not work. Telling my narc parent what I won’t accept just made them do it more. My therapist told me to use reverse psychology and agree with them. When the narc called me selfish etc, I would say: you know you may be right. Everyone is selfish sometimes. Then I changed the topic. That shut them up and worked better. The narc will never accept boundaries.
find a good weed man
build a fort of pillows and sheets to hide in
include earbuds so you can drown out the gossip about you
sooooo you do not commit a passion crime from the stress and triggers
breathe
pray
repeat💚💥
Actually, I have had major success with viciously counter attacking them.
It shuts them down immediately. Then they will be quiet and leave you alone for a while and this will help you to have some space to get away from them.
Just think about their own insecurity and be ready to condescend them with it. Like at the table when they say “others don’t like you, etc.” say “I know, it’s really hard keeping friends when I’m so ashamed they will find out that you (insert what their insecurities are examples: over weight did poorly at school drive ugly car not as good as others smell bad chose ugly clothes acts robotic is a bad driver, think about what they are insecure about etc…)” then go on to say “ it’s really embarrassing and I can tell they feel sorry for me”. Or if the abuse is more of a shouting/screaming nature scream back at them and hurl vulgar offensive rude insults at them.
I’m currently stuck In a 20+ year marriage with an abuser who I could not get away from for about 12 years but can now. So trust me I know how to cope with this. I’m In my 50s and have had lifetime of bullying/ostracism type of scapegoating from huge family with hitlerish mother.
The part of me that could make decisions for myself and set boundaries was killed long ago, when I needed to choose abuse over death.
Now I desperately need to re-birth or give birth to a new connection with myself.
I know there’s not much of a chance for me since I cannot figure out how to make myself leave my abusive husband.
But I’m trying. I’m in somatic experiencing therapy and constantly trying to watch TH-cam videos and read on how to make myself leave.
Therein lies the addiction to the cycles and the need to fight back (reactive abuse), especially if there is childhood familiarity and trauma around this type of chaos. I've read the cycles literally rewire us and cause chemical changes in our brains. If we look into it more scientifically, perhaps we can unstick our subconscious. It's been working for me so far, but takes a while (since I've spent a long lifetime in it). All the best to you.
@@pelletier4432 total effect on my brain.
In somatic experiencing therapy I learned the reason I wish I could be a dead person each morning whenever I have to face abuse is because my body and psyche only know that the choice was to agree that I should be abused or die when they were developing. Now, rationally I know that I have another choice - the choose that I should not be abused and live at the same time, but my body and psyche don’t know that choice and they don’t believe it. So when I choose not to accept abuse they think I’m choosing to die and they make me want to be dead.
But as far as coping with living with a narcissist when you actually do not have a real tangible choice (like if you are a baby or a child) it is true that the narcissist will respond to anything about themselves. When they are projecting their own bad element onto you, just be that mirror and literally make it (the bad element at the dinner table “nobody likes you”) all about them. They desperately need a human to be an object to project the bad element into. Just be a mirror. They will shut right down! They will leave you alone!
@@joellenklemek138 That's good information about how the psyche handles itself. Definitely resonates. It gets to be a fight for your own life in your own mind. Brilliant. You're absolutely right about the mirroring. They'll even come back later a little meeker about how mean it was. All about them all the time. Then, of course, they don't really grasp how it feels on the receiver's end. It only works with the types of people that don't lash out in violence, and It really does put them back on their heals. I like what you're saying about how they have to see other's as an object. They literally can't see that others are supposed to be their own autonomous self. You're clearly doing really good work. Thanks for passing on the knowledge!
@@pelletier4432 well good luck to you as well! And thanks for the validation. And yes you are correct that in the case of violence it is not safe to reflect them back unless you have a weapon. I could not fight back of course, as a baby. As an adult I’ve only had men (husband included) begin to put their hands on me or advance towards me to do so. I would have zero fear and would fight back going for eyes and groin if they made physical contact. Having been beaten by hitler and lesbenborn (mom and blond-toddler-sister-superior) as a baby was I’m sure the beginning of my splitting and dissociation and the killing of my soul and boundaries.
But the way I function now is that I know exactly what to do during abuse. And if my husband were to place hands on me now, it would actually (in my psyche) justify me to get to leave him. The times I came close, he begged and pleaded me to stay and I felt too guilty to leave him. My self worthy ness is dead. My psyche says “I can’t just leave so I can have a better life”. “I have to suffer first and be endlessly and brutally abused so I can be justified to leave”.
Thanks for discussing this with me.
@@pelletier4432 actually thanks for listening to me 🙏🏽🌈
3:36 re wanting to believe the abuser is a good person surely arises from our own emotional immaturity if it assumes anything we love must be good. There's a difference between wanting to believe and assuming of course, and there's also a difference between being emotionally immature as a child and still being a magical thinker as an adult. But I think it brings up an interesting aspect of the abuser's narcissism as posttraumatic and compulsive...so when I consider the immorality of narcissism as I've observed and experienced it from the receiving end having required cultivation in an atmosphere of parental neglect I'm remindedr it's an issue of child protection that went unaddressed same as mine.
Without risking going down the slippery slope of compassion that'll only be used against me the whole exercise does cause me to realize though that if there's debate over what a good person is or if morality is situational as Kohlberg well-articulates then there is one objective reality but none of us can ever live in it. It's definitely been a long time coming, but I finally realize crediting someone with being a good person is just the flipside of blaming them for having become a bad one in a world without free will. I do want to point out the distinction between having become a bad one and continuing to be a bad one however. I don't know why other people's children may not be reason enough for them to want to improve, but can cathartically vouch nobody who was the kid of a borderline somatic female surprise-preggering her narcissistic (soon-to-be ex) husband has/had a situation in which either were ever going to reconsider anything they wanted to do on inspiration from their child. I mean if I got invited out of maybe similar regard they'd have for her help and his regret then I think probably the kids of narcissistic people who have them for appearances also just could never be enough playing that rigged game,----all of which is why it's intransigent as fuck and a pathology. So I'm absolutely sure I'm a more moral person than that, but just as realistically it's an awfully low bar so there is no moral superiority about it....only having been schooled by experiencing bad examples and having maintained my ability to learn from my mistakes (avoided that particular compulsion which refuses).
Anyone some might perceive as on the so-called "moral high road" knows there is no such thing... in part because not knowing what we're going to face tomorrow and knowing we've made mistakes in the past it would be very stupid to think we don't have to accept the part of ourselves that had to make room for the corrosive effect of our own abuse is part of the process of coming back from it. Otherwise I think maybe we're the narcissist, and quite frankly why should the inward-facing boundary porosity that tolerates abuse not also be recognized as immoral? Among other things it occurs to me we deprive others of what we might authentically and more happily become when we allow someone to make use of us as something we are not. Perhaps to some degree failing to acknowledge this is even the flipside of that narcissistic coin that refuses to acknowledge (without having to hold a grudge, retaliate, or justify entitlement to shit on the whole world for a lifetime) that which is not its own fault can still be its problem and responsibility.(to do something about or at least not splatter onto others). And even that is so very obviously just infantilized post-traumatic regression that doesn't have the big boy pants it needs to be wearing before it can even begin to fathom anything like maybe a principle (upheld when it was hard not spoken of when it wasn't needed) being its own reward. They're frustrating beyond anything I've ever known but their strategy keeps them dumb because it had to and there were plenty of times I'd have been better served by theirs than mine. It wouldn't be abuse if enlightenment knocked on the door before it was too late to matter, and that's probably pretty definitive of active deception...so to be expected (though whatever placer there's someone around grown up enough to teach it must surely be a myth)
I don''t mean the absence of free will to suggest the meaninglessness of intent, AAMOF our motivations are actually the only sphere in which all of us maintain complete autonomy at all times, so our dependence upon the unseen goodwill of others is the very source of our inability to effect our will into being. This is the reason cooperation and mutual support are the most rational strategy, and it does necessarily follow that the duplicity and selfishness of the narcissistic maladaptation is the highest form of stupidity. Regardless of whether their cognitive deficiency is a trauma effect or just the result of average intelligence being gaslit by below-average this is clearly what IQ being the most frequently-cited resiliency buffer against psychopathology is trying to say. And anyone whose IQ was probably what spared them nose we all have our limits so it would be very shortsighted to see the narcissist as responsible for their own deficiency when it's the result of situational luck of the draw and severity of abuse on dependent minor children. We do have to call it something in order to discuss our perspectives on objective reality and absolute truth, so whether we call it the Man in the Moon or good and evil the important thing is that we don't misattribute the reason for malice (which of course we have to defend ourselves against but can only effectively limit or stop within our own motivations) to someone being a bad person. This is so hard and I am not suggesting they aren't responsible for their own actions because after all they have strategies they're working with like narcissism (at Great expense to the rest of us) to try and cope and we're all constantly being schooled for what we do.
The applied ignorance of any defense mechanism or compulsion really does show us the absence and proper timely application of accurate knowledge/truth is what would have prevented them from remaining irrational into adulthood. It is indeed confounding that the self-defeating unsustainability of doing harm to (any other part of) a whole of which one is also a part seems to pay off pretty damn well but if there's anything we should know from having been abused by a narcissist it's that appearances are only that. They're actually traitors to the species, and even the narcissist wouldn't be that if they weren't enfeebled by bias ignorance and all sorts of other things that have been their experience just like whatever it is about me that sees through this part of them comes out of my experience.
Don't Even Bother. You are Wasting Your Breath.Trust me. They are Evil. RUN. THAT IS YOUR ONLY HOPE.
.
I totally agree
Thanks for this. Both my husband and I were raised by narcs with money. My dad and mil are on the deed to our house but have never lived here or paid for anything here. (We were convinced 10 years ago that this would benefit us especially in the form of a lower interest rate). We also have driven cars owned by my father. There was always terrible strings attached to these "gifts".
My father in particular won't even bother to ask me if it's a good time to come over. He calls me selfish because he claims the alcoholic monsters he was raised by all just barged into eachothers houses without issue so I should be ok with him just announcing his arrival like a king and then making negative comments about my housekeeping...just one minor example of his disregard to me as a person deserving of respect or privacy.
We have been planning our escape for almost 2 years. We're moving 1200 miles away. We will never been under their financial thumbs again. We are currently about 2 months away from moving (I pray daily our home sells quickly). The attacks from my dad especially have gotten really bad. He is so rude and disrespectful but acts like he's so loving. I am getting driven crazy by this and want to say something. I know in my mind this will make things worse but my heart is crying out in pain. I fear daily my dad or mil will put up some other road block to our leaving. Our only advantage is they can't stand eachother and constantly try to be the narc in complete control of us so we can play that against them.
I now am sure I need to stay calm and compliant. We've made a list of all the financial entanglements. We've severed 10, only 2 more to go and we are free!!
I will be watching this video on repeat until we can make our escape and we will never again be the emotional punching bags for these monsters. I think this will give me the strength I need to stay the course. I am now raising 3 children outside of a dysfunctional narc family system. Both my husband and I have broken generations of cycles. You give me strength and clarity. I wish you every blessing in the world.
You have both done such an amazing thing that will change the lives of your children. I hope you managed to move by now and break free
@ljo0605 Thanks! We have managed to get free of all financial entanglements and we are moving in a few days. So happy to start our new adventure!!
The eay you articulate these tips and advice is so unbelievably clear and efficient. You've provided actual actionable information, and for that I'm eternally grateful.
❤ Thank You, Jay........can a person have (safe enough) people around them in these situations? I find so much Value in your Channel, Thank You, for all you do!!!!❤
Narc caused me to LOSE Most of my Life Savings. Miserable, Horrible people.
But don't make a move until is rock, solid, and doubly backed up. Because the only thing worse than not being able to leave is having to come back! And whatever you do, don't let on what any of your plans are, until you are safely gone. As they may either indirectly, or Very directly, sabotage them.
I am desperate to Escape! In the meantime, she has taken even more of my money. I have tried to seek help, but with no actual Assistance!
Very good advice. Thank you.
I love the specific boundaries being set, and I also appreciate that you mentioned narcissistic bosses, and trying to put them into perspective.
It’s not just personal relationships, but many bosses are indeed narcissists.
Excellent advice on self protective personal boundaries. We can be civil and our best selves at the same time as healthy strength. Thank you very much.
Another practical, wise and helpful video, 😊. Thank you, Jay. Each of these topics could be courses of study as each is broad and rich with terrific stuff.
Thank you so much, Jay! For me this video is great preparation for the holidays. Key #6 - ie, we don't have to be overly nice to narcissists gives me beautiful, warm feeling - I think my soul is happy to be welcomed home, simply to be herself. At the same time, I have to admit I sometimes find it challenging be authentic, (respectful enough but not too nice,) when the price can be high for me if the narcissist doesn't feel sufficiently adored or obeyed, or when, God forbid, I have a different opinion about almost anything. Your video helped me to clarify my challenges and put me in closer touch with my freedom.
I think I feel very similar to you.. though I have this feeling inside myself that at some point, I reached a humble respectful place (I was quite in trauma from lots of childhood abuse so acted narc like at times in PTSD and other things, but as I healed I felt that all went away, and then I was told I'm not respectful enough or feminine enough when I felt it inside...and was sharing my thoughts or feelings in a calm, quiet way..
Good news!
I've recently discovered that they aren't a covert narc!
We had some honest frank conversation, totally unmasking, and it was proved he wasn't but autistic.
I got them confused.
Aw! I keep thinking he's Fred Armisen and I tap the video so he keeps showing up in my feed. Dude. Can you just always hold up a sign that says NOT FRED ARMISEN please? You're screwing up the algorithm.
Thanks again for sharing this.
Such great info
My borderline narc husband was so unnerved by my first silent treatment that he came home from work one day to ask me why I wasn’t talking to him! Never mind that he had subjected me to countless silent treatments, usually lasting about three weeks, simultaneously withdrawing from parenting responsibilities when the children were infants and toddlers…effective making me a widow and single mother of two for the duration. These people are thin-skinned bullies with the maximum emotional age of early teenagers, capable of throwing toddler-type tantrums (shaking fists, stomping feet, etc.), which are extremely disturbing to witness when displayed by a senior citizen.
I really need this, thank you.
Love you, Jenny. and Jesus does too....
There is nothing like Narcissism! Everybody is Narcissist in other's eyes.
Can these doctors solve the paradox and give a clear cut boundary between empathatic, normal and narcissist?
Not possible because boundary is not static. Boundry depends not only on Narcissist but victim also or so called victims also.
Greatest Paradox: Moment you will go to correct a Narcissist; you have to leave empathy and become a Narcissist. So till the time you are enjoying- enjoy them else take a break because most of empath are addicted to narcissist. If you will leave also it will relapse like drug abuser or you will go to other narcissist to leave present one.
🙏🙏🙏💚
Some key things here maybe you cant fully live a life with 0 narc interaction because they exist in the world, a coworker, someone or someones in your support group, etc. The difference is that now as adults i have 3 years in healing from it, i have selfcompassion, healthy boundaries, i know my inner child and i know my worth a lot better. I have a lot of refference points and experience maintaining healthy boundaries and standing up for myself. I dont live with the narc parent i had to live with growing up. I got out of that house as soon as possible. I did have to live 2 years alone with them and that was awful from ages 16-18 but i even graduated school early just to get out of that house, with that narcisistically abusive parent. In any event after getting sober from alcohol, which is how i coped with the trauma. And having 3 years in working on and attuining to whildhood trauma, reparenting , and loving my inner child, and commiting to keeping healthy boundaries for him because thats important for my inner child , i dont live with any narc abuser, but i do understand that there are narcs out there in the world, having healing, assertiveness, some discernment in the navigation of them is very helpful.. It could be prudent to know when to leave, a group that has become triangulated by narcs against myself. Narcs want to shame what they can't control. I assist support groups for trauma and the more I heal, the more i recognize how many people became narcisists as the result of their trauma, its like the other percentage are capeable of empathy, and thats the group i want to connect with, where interactions are healthy and fruitful, but i would be honest, finding safe people is very important, and nice, and not everybody understands narc abuse, so these videos are helpful, as well as my attunement to my healing process , staying true to myself, and self-respecting, and valung myself and my truth, and also, the safe enough community and support i try to have around me while also getting into thriving, and going to the outside world where we can get a lot of refference points that its a safe world and that we are ofcourse allowed to shine our true self authentically no matter what an insecure narc would prefer it isnt about them but about our need and right to shine our true self :) unapaolagetically. 🙏
Thank you Jay. Very helpful.
I have found that basic clear boundaries do seem to be understood by narcs, e.g. if you continue sending abusive text messages I will block your number. I actually set boundaries like these with my abusive mother before eventually going no contact. These 'basic boundaries' enabled me to gain psychological space whilst still connected to my abuser and was eventually what enabled me to escape completely and start a new life free of my abusive family system. So although I felt at the time these boundaries weren't that effective, I now see they allowed me to break free from abuse and now I really set boundaries like a boss :D
I still feel bad, so much so I hurt inside for having boundaries..
I cut off contact with the narc mother and all her enablers several years ago. BEST decision of my life, no close second. The gift just kept on giving because I could afford thinking more clearly. One thing I realize was how pathetically needy narcs are. Once I see that, it's easier to say no to their pathetic entitlement demands.
Useful & Brilliant
Block then if u are not married to them......I had my u best find god lecture I'm done.They are just trying to replace mummy.
Great content. Thank you Jay! I really appreciate your guides and writing them out on the screen.
I can't let my narcissist know the consequences, I just have to go through with it. Letting them know the consequence would look like a personal attack on them and then start pinning everyone against me (not that they havent already and ive turned in the black sheep) and they will poke and prod until they finally get a reaction. I have been locking myself in my room for 2 weeks. trying to save myself from my narcissist is giving me cabin fever because the moment i step out of my room im ridiculed and blamed and they are trying to start a fight with me.
How I survived high school in the 1980's. M arr
There is no way out for me. My vision has become so bad I can't drive. We live far from a town and I am dependent on him driving me. I am now begging for rides, I need medical and dental care and he decides what and ehen. Sometimes it is not possible to get away.
Itis a ve
ry hopeless feeling.
We had to go to a family gathering, at mother-in-law's house, driving 7 hrs away. The first day we got there early. Narc B-I-L with no friends, called to see if we were there. M-I-L law said..."Yes but we will see you tomorrow." B-I-L wanted to speak with his brother, "Hey, I am 5 min. away." Brother said, "We will see you tomorrow." Boundries set and ignored. 5 min. later Narc brother shows up anyhow, and arguing happens. It was 8:00pm, and everyone claimed to be tired, we all say..."See you tomorrow," to make him go away. He goes... then comes back. Doors were locked but the screen door on porch was not. We can hear him wandering around down stairs, every one is in their rooms. So he finally goes away. Next day at lunch, all have chosen a seat at a restaurant. He is the last to arrive. One seat at the end of the table is open, M-I-L says ..."Sit here." B-I-L says "I will sit where ever the hell I want to sit." and eventually he sits where it was suggested because that seat was all that was left. We went home next day, even though we planned on staying more days. But we knew he would keep dropping by. It was sad, we wanted to see 92 year old M-I-L, at a nice waterfront location but spent most of our visit complaining about him.
Many thanks, great practical advice 👍
My goodness, I just got a shitstorm running over me, because I tried to save the narc from financial narc abuse from an other narc.
It is extemly painful to see my program of a helper. Always wanting to share and save the other. It is such a dangerous catch. I see it is my hardest addiction I have, which cost that I am broke now, my health is gone and my emotional freedom. He distroyed EVERYTHING and I let it happen!
Love your help Jay, but my mother would grab the food, rant and threaten never to offer food at any challenge she percieved . I learned best to eat at a pace that would not irritate her and leave asap. Some narcissists are real monsters. What you're suggesting works with normal people. Children of narcissists, I survived beatings, hunger and emotional abuse, and so will you.
Pure gold 🪙
7:38 a beautiful boundary delivery.
They have women’s shelters what about men’s shelters?
So good i watched it twice and took notes! Thanks Jay💙
Interesting yo see live, how they work on destroying your self esteem activly by telling you, you are not capable of nothing.
Wow. You just blew my mind, Jay. Thank you, sincerely, for this!
In my heart I can't believe that there will be some one out there for me, not abusing me. Almost all the people I engaged with harmed me!!!
Thank you 😊
Thank you.
Vote with your feet 👣 👍
If you’re living at home tell the narcissist you won’t be eating dinner with them if they insult you. this may be dangerous advice. They may decide you won’t be eating at all then.
Great content!
My situation was so untenable and had gone on for far too long that for the sake of my freedom and my sanity, I chose homelessness.
Poverty is full of challenges, but I was truly safer out of the streets in the time before I finally got a job and a place to live.
That's so brave
Thank you. It was also very nerve wracking, but sometimes, if and when one figures that they have nothing to lose, then taking these risks becomes more possible.
Very useful survival strategies, especially since the Xmas season is coming and with it the necessity to spend some time with narcissistic family members.
They get really aggressive when they know you will Report their behaviors.
Oof where was this a year ago?
Great video. My man better watch out or he’s gonna end up the Joel Osteen of narc world.
I can get away and will I have choices
Bless you & thank you
very clear and extremely useful advice. thank you.
You're very welcome!
It’s tough when WANT to say “I understand that you’re feeling disrespected by me right now. For my own sake I’m going to have to take a break and I will return when I have something to say that I think can be helpful.” It’s been months and I can’t think of a single thing to say that works actually be helpful. Everything would either acquiesce to the N’s demands/desires, be self-effacing, or would trigger their rage. I’m stuck in a paralysis state now, and just wishing for no contact to be a real option.
This shit doesn’t work
Thanks though
Thank you
Excellent video Jay
Thank you!
oof same