At least for me, the "what if I'm not trans and I make a (horrible) mistake" question is in partly reenforced by society's scare mongering. "If you don't fit into a box I like, I will reject and cast you out. So don't make a mistake you can't turn back from. That I can't turn back from looking at." If we didn't get that message, and instead got a message around transitioning that was something like, "it's okay to make mistakes and it's all part of learning and growing and we will love you anyway," or heaven forbid, genuine curiosity about what life was like in the other gender for a bit, I think most of us wouldn't even be having this conversation. This was a lovely video, comforting and though proving, thank you for it.
“All it takes is a stern look” resonated with me. When I was very young I asked to be called be a girl’s name and my mom said I shouldn’t do that, and she seemed uncomfortable, maybe scared. Like something bad would happen if I did that. So I put it away for a long time
Totally agree. I realize how little it took for me to be shamed and realize that I was "not normal". Any tiny thing from a stern look to any tiny comment on how having feminine traits would make me a freak made me just want to hide. I spent most of my childhood working on appearing just male enough that people wouldn't suspect me. Sadly in retrospect I was too much of a people pleaser and deeply regret not standing up for myself more.
@@melissak3007 I've replied to another of your comments and I must say that what you are saying is so similar to what ive put myself through. I read and hear stories from other trans people and see that they still did what was right for themselves despite the pressures and it gives me hope that i too can do it.
I'm part of group 2. It was so sudden and jarring that my feelings happened that I constantly question if I'm making a mistake. Thankfully that voice gets quieter and quieter as I take steps but I've had to follow the feelings of what I do like instead of looking for dysphoria. And for me, those feelings have continually supported my transition. Almost verifying I am not making a mistake.
@@MathewRainTranslife101 Euphoria is a bigger sign. While there are many transgender people that do not experience dysphoria, almost all do experience Euphoria.
@@DRZPHDhi Dr can you pls explain chloe cause so far the trans dont want tl think about these issues. Its a shock to know what she went through. As therapist i am sure you don't want to transition someone who regret later on as its devastating. Maybe talk more about this so people don't see transition like going to a movie. I know trans calling for this calling for more vetting. Not just that you feel female and big tick approval for major life altering surgery. ❤ Or evem being euphoric or just ignoring the voice that say your making a mistake. You can feel euphoric on other things in life but the same standard is not applied. You can marry wrong person have euphoric feeling with intimacy with them too. Being in love with wrong person is not good sign.
Am 21 and i feel i belong to both cuz at my teenage years i didn't know what is even transgender or gender disphoria but i felt that i don't belong to men and i belong to girls in somehow and when i discovered that am a trans girl i didn't try to do anything to prove my self that no am not trans and am just overthinking about it i tried to do lot's of feminine things to test my reality and it all worked perfectly but i have a big insecurities about my self and am so overthinking that i might not be trans but my life proves the way opposite but it's this ugly thing called tests and my mind playing games with me and i dont know what can i do about them or about my self
I too!! I am 74 and have been having a nagging in the back of my mind to make the change. It is something I used to fantasize before I was 12 and attempted CDing about the same time.
I cried by the 12 minute mark. You hit the nail on the head. I understand that I need to transition. I'm scared of losing my family, friends, and living situation. I live with a transphobic mother
@@DRZPHD I was revisiting another video of yours that I had seen a while ago. You had said that almost everyone knows by age 4 but here I'm seeing that some people may not know until they're older. Would you say like 90% of trans people know at a young age? Also, I know I used to be labeled as female around that age. Could that be ingrained deep in my subconscious? th-cam.com/video/0MXYWAdw7O8/w-d-xo.html
Same situation here, only to add a cherry on top got a 5 yr old son too. i tried many times but its consuming me and next month im transitioning. what to do? please help,🙏
You won't loose the ones who truly love you.If they truly love you,they will accept you for who you are. I lost very few friends and very few family members. You will be amazed at how people react to truth
You hit me dead on at the 10 minute mark. I served 3 years in the Marines, bipolar and the Corp don't mix well. Then I was an ironworker for 20 years. I welded for 30 years. Now at 65 I started transitioning. I'm now 67, and to finally seeing a surgeon for surgery. But now my Surgeon has recommended twice that I not have the surgery do to the fact that I am going to be completely blind in the next few years. 30 years of welding has caught up with me. My optic nerves are hemorrhaging. So if you are uncomfortable with who you are, please do not wait to long.
I’m one of those individuals who didn’t really experience gender dysphoria until a bit later (early 20s) The kicker for me was when people would ‘mistake’ me for being male and realizing how euphoric that made me feel, and after experiencing that euphoria I realized that I wasn’t as content in my assigned gender as I thought I was. Although one thing that confused me that I haven’t really heard other trans ppl talk about is that while I didn’t really care how other people perceive my gender, I hated referring to myself as a girl. I felt like I was lying to the world and to myself and it just made me feel kind of sick, but if a waitress called me ma’am I couldn’t care less. I’ve started pursuing microdosing testosterone as, while I have a hard time pinpointing what I want exactly, it’s been on my mind for over two years so I feel like I might as well just go for it at this point. I find I doubt myself quite a bit as I often don’t feel like I’m miserable enough to be trans. I’m fine in my body as is, even if that wavers from day to day, but I just feel like I could be a lot better. I find that it’s not so much a question of if I want to medically transition, but if I deserve it. I’m not entirely sure what my point is here but I just felt compelled to vent out my feelings to see if anyone could relate I guess. I’d be interested to know if anyone has a similar experience to mine.
Before I accepted I was trans I had the same thing where I didn’t care if other people called me a guy/man, but I didn’t like referring to myself in that way
Yes, for a while i wondered if i really felt bad enough to be allowed to transition. When i wasn't on my period it wasn't all that bad. And i knew someone who was a lot more masculine presenting than i was and a lot unhappier about being female so i felt like i didn't have the right to call myself a man if they didn't. I'm now 10 years on t and it was the best decision of my life.
I didn't know until I turned 24. I just knew something about my life was off. Like I was still waiting for the kickoff. Like their was a layer of wrongness over everything or like I was far too different from everyone around me to truly connect. It took me over one year to build my confidence after seeking a counselor and I felt so certain, like I uncovered the fundamental truth of who I've always been. But recently the person I'm closest to reacted negatively to me coming out through a letter I've been writing on for months. They told me 'I've known you longer than anyone else and this isn't you'. Since then I've just been feeling so empty. Like my connection to my gender is just gone and I find myself thinking that maybe living through work and through family will be enough to make it through a lifetime. Still, even as I type this it feels like a lie.
i´m sorry to hear that about your closest person, some people think they know us better than ourselves, but that's not true! I'd sometimes considered about being in the rest of my life like that, but i realized that it's not the life we're meant to live. More than live its like survive, feeling always like its a lie, like you could be happier.
You are the only one who can decide that for yourself. But i thought that too at one point. And i'm glad i didn't try that out for too long. Maybe to put it into perspective: It is your life and you will have to live it. You are the only person living your life 100% percent of the time. And for me at least, i'd definitely start to resent the people i try to live for if they don't reward me appropriately (by being perfect according to my standards, with material goods or whatever) for it. Even if they don't know about it. Too much drama for my taste.
Hi Dr. Z, I am now 67 and when I was about 15 I was responsible for cooking cleaning and shopping for my mom who worked shift work. She used to tell me that I would make some lucky woman a great wife! As I got older sales clerks would often addressed me as Ma'am or miss, perhaps subconsciously but I loved it. So I've started down the path of becoming the real me.
I would *highly* recommend you to read the book "Yes, you are trans enough" by Mia Violet. She had the same reaction from her family, but that didnt stop her.
I'm in group 2. I felt weird all of my life without understanding why. I found all kind of stupid or strange reasons until I finally admitted that I had a gender issue - at 45. But, having found bad answers to my questioning before, I constantly fear that I may be wrong again. Your words are so soothing.
I came out as trans at 45 (1.5 years ago) after realizing at 40 that I "wasn't 100% cis". What really made me decide to come out was when I started informally polling people in my life with an odd question. "If you could change sex, would you and for how long?" My answer had always been "Yes" and it varied from 10 years to life. I was *flabbergasted* at people's responses. *Most* people said they wouldn't even for 1 day! A couple said for very short times like a week to a month. The longest was 1 year. I probably asked 20 people. I finally had to acknowledge to myself that I was different. In a very real way. Cis people don't want to change their gender or sex. They just don't. Even *considering* transition in your 40's is a hugely significant sign that you are at least not 100% cis.
@@CorwinFound Yes you are totally right. Fact is that cis people would find it weird or offensive to be considered the opposite gender - they would be disturbed if somebody used the opposite pronoun, whereas I feel so relieved... So indeed, being transgender is not a phase that everyone goes through !
@@aer2195 I think a phase that a lot of people go through is some level of confusion or discomfort around gender roles and expression (especially in mid teens). Gender being a huge and ancient and malleable social construct means that many people have some level of discomfort with it around the edges. But once most people figure out how they want to be in the gender category they were assigned at birth, they are relatively comfortable. But as an adult, with years of experience with that gender you still feel uncomfortable? You are trans. Or at least not 100% cis.
Well, yes, I am! A 100% for sure !😆 Now everybody around me knows about it. But since I discovered it so late in my life, I sometimes struggle with legitimity (and proof, since I'm not on HRT). Anyway, at least (and at last) I know who I truly am. And things suddenly make sense.
This year I'll be 38, and I didn't even know about my gender dysphoria until about 32ish. So I think that (and everything else you said) puts me firmly in the 2nd group. I often have the question "am I really trans?". You pointed out that those who are secure in their gender, over 30, don't really have a questioning of gender, and in some ways, the fact that I have dysphoria about my gender is confirming that I am trans (among many other things). Thank you for this video, I think I really needed it today. 💖 -Ava
Camp 2 and what an absolute mirror to be looking in to. My gender dysphoria hit me when I was 10. I asked myself "what if I transformed into a girl" and I'd spend many nights wishing I was a girl and got to do the things girls got to do. But that was always the thing, these thoughts were mainly at night or when things were quiet. Life would preoccupy me, for the most part, and I wouldn't think about it. But even then, something would cross my path that I'd want and I'd go right back to wishing I was a girl. But even I did the whole gender test thing. I joined Karate when I was younger and it became my "I am a man because I somewhat enjoy karate". However, that also didn't stop me from wishing I was in ballet and dancing like the girls, either. It's just so weird being an adult now. When I was a teen/young adult and I had my hidden stash, wearing that stuff was nothing more than a rush of excitement. Now that I'm out and everyone knows, that excitement is gone and what has replaced it is a feeling of comfort and peace. It's also weird how a lot of my behaviors instantly changed. Unless I'm cold, I don't cross my arms across my chest anymore, I don't walk with my head toward the ground, my posture is better, and I'm not constantly wearing hoodies and baggier, darker clothes. I'm actually picking colors now instead of having everything gray or black, and I'm doing it without realizing it, even if it is my masculine clothes. I've had these feelings of doubts before. They do creep in. I'm able to push them away with the whole, "cis people don't spend their lives wishing they were the opposite sex". But it still manages to get by sometimes, especially when you start running into the transphobic spaces on the internet, which I do often as a political activist. They have a way of getting in your head, but I have to remind myself that they don't experience what I experience. They never stayed up until 3 AM on a school night begging to God or whoever is listening be the opposite sex or give you some magical means to do so, and then repeating that the next night. So that ends up grounding me, too. That self-doubt is a hard thing to deal with, but I can't deny the feelings I get when I able to be myself. I can't deny the feelings I get when someone calls me by my name or acknowledges me as a woman. I really wish that I had known I was transgender at a younger age, but so much of this was shoved under the rug when I was little. Maybe my life would have been much different had I been told it would be OK for me to be a girl, even when I was younger than 10.
I remember desiring to transform into a girl anytime other guys used to bully me, and I dont mean some superhero woman, it just meant to be free to be me, so I could feel like at least they know who they talk to, I felt dirty inside just for being treated as a boy, often I used to say to myself 'I wanna go home' while knowing it meant being a girl, literally to come to myself and be free.
Group 2. I feel like you made this video specifically for me lol. I’m 23 and started HRT 9 months ago, and I still sometimes wonder if I’m actually trans. I went through much of my life feeling miserable, particularly during puberty, but I had no idea that I was trans until it blindsided me in October last year. I suppose in retrospect, I remember a period of time in high school when I was in agony for weeks/months, desperately wishing that I had female anatomy, to the point of rolling around on my bed crying, and googling things about both bottom and top surgery. You’d think it would be obvious to me that I was trans, but I completely repressed all of that until 9-10 months ago. When I had the realization it completely shocked me and sent me into a month long identity crisis. I was barely hanging on (not svicidal, but just emotionally distraught and drained, and feeling extremely lost) but I immediately set up appointments to get HRT “just in case” since I knew that I might want them when my identity crisis began to resolve. I had my first doctor appointment in November and immediately started HRT, but at that point I still wasn’t sure if I was trans. I kept reminding myself that short term HRT wouldn’t hurt me at all if it turns out that I wasn’t trans, so I kept taking it. My mental health improved quickly on HRT, and I started feeling better than I ever had, and I still wondered if I was really trans. Then 2 months in, my breasts started developing to my excitement, but I still wondered if I was really trans. Then about 4 months in, my face was becoming significantly more fem, the laser hair removal was doing wonders, and I was loving who I saw in the mirror, but I still wondered if I was trans. Then 5 months in, I actually had breasts and I was feeling so good and happy on a consistent basis for the first time in my life that I quit multiple years-long and daily-use substance addictions (that I was unknowingly using to numb myself from the discomfort of existing with a gender I wasn’t happy with) with no desire to return to them after quitting, and I still wondered if I was really trans. I could go on, but I think you get the point. Even now, though much less often compared to several months ago, I still wonder if I’m really trans. It sounds absurd, given how much I’ve loved every moment of my transition so far, but it still fucks with me from time to time. I guess that was a lot. Hopefully all that made sense and wasn’t too wordy, but that’s been my experience, and it’s really reassuring and relieving to watch this video, and finally have a better understanding of why I feel the way I do. Dr. Z, idk if you’ll read this, but in the video you mentioned two different age groups that group 2 falls into. 22-30 and 30+. I don’t think you talked very much about the 22-30 group specifically and what the differences are that you’ve noticed between that group and the 30+ group. Would love another video (or even a short explanation here in the comments) about what you’ve observed between those two age groups, if it’s not any trouble. Thanks so much for the work you do making these really helpful videos!:)
This is completely understandable. When you listen to yourself you hear "hellz ya, I am trans." The problem is our society tells you over and over in overt, covert, and even subtext that..." Being trans is just a delusion, or people are just playing along... Well some people are.that does not mean it is a delusion. The irony always gets to me... Like lmagine !icing in the ages when "the earth is round" was considered nonsense. Now imagine everyone that wants to be "pc" going along with it to be polite. And keeping their real opinion to themselves in front of you... This is our reality.... Unfortunately the flat heart here are extremely loud, and those that will smile and say "sure the Earth is flat" vanish when a flat earth's is turning your face... Well you know the rest...the people that smile but refuse to defend you drive the message home.." Look this is not real. I just don't wanna be called transphobic." A final piece of advice... Want to lose most of your doubts? Meet a group of trans people and PROTEST. When you are arm in arm with fellow transgender people, AND a few cis allies!!! You will feel affirmed as f#€k.
Camp 2 here. Bout sums it up. I really appreciated the boiling pot analogy because my egg literally shattered in an instant at 42... out of nowhere! I didn't think that's a thing that happened and has/is a major point of contention and dissonance. It doesn't help that I'm extraordinarily isolated, with severe anxiety who can't afford therapy and is trying to play one for herself with the help of the interwebs and creators like yourself. Trust me, am woefully unqualified for the job. I can't imagine how difficult and isolating this must has been for older trans generations. Holy hell!
I'm in group 2. Even as a kid had issues thinking i was gay. Now, after been with a beautiful woman, who wants me to be myself the strong feeling living as a women returned, crazy. I think it was the moment I let her poke me from the back. And now, it's like something I put away is back and strong and I want it , I like it. I'm 45 turning 46 this year. This is something I'm not taking lightly. Awesome, video 🥰
I’m in category 1 but I had a fear you didn’t mention which is that I wasn’t “as trans as other people” and therefore it wouldn’t be worth it for me to transition. Or maybe another way of phrasing it is I was afraid that being trans wasn’t the main source of my pain, and transitioning would just make things worse. This was largely due to lack of education and awareness about gender dysphoria and trans people. I knew there was something different about me and I was experiencing tremendous anguish. I knew that there was something incongruent about my gender. However, I didn’t understand that gender incongruency could (and often does) cause anguish manifesting as shame and depression which leads to addiction, self-harm, and inexplicable relationship problems. So I knew that yes, I wanted to be a girl, and yes, I was in a lot of pain, but no, that’s not the cause of my pain. This is related to what you were talking about with how I/we try everything else to alleviate the pain first before trying transitioning. It’s embarrassing looking back on it how little I knew about gender dysphoria and trans people. When I was younger like 17-19 I used to read all about mental illnesses online, looking for something that fit, since I knew it was more than just depression and anxiety - BPD, NPD, schizophrenia, OCD - and I always found bits of things that fit but it was never quite right. For some reason I never looked into gender dysphoria and only slowly became aware of it by seeing occasional mentions on social media. I think I was just too disgusted and ashamed by the idea I could be trans, due to internalized transphobia from social conditioning, that whenever the thought popped up I immediately dismissed it, came up with my rationalizations for why I wasn’t trans, and moved on. Rationalizations like: this isn’t the cause of my pain. I’m not as trans as other people. there must be something different about them. I don’t think about my gender that much, I think about suicide and drugs, it must be a mental illness. (I know it’s controversial whether to talk about gender dysphoria as a mental illness… but I at least didn’t think of it as one at the time. Maybe I would have looked into it more if I had.) So… even those of us who are younger (I’m 27 now) still suffer from lack of education and awareness. If only I had been screened for gender dysphoria like I was screened for countless other things when I went to psychiatrists and therapists. If only I had watched a 10 minute video about gender dysphoria in my health class in middle school. If only I had known someone who was openly trans. If only there had been an awareness campaign at my college. If only if only…
"This was largely due to lack of education and awareness about gender dysphoria and trans people." yes. In my case to the point that the language spoken where I grew up didn't even have a word for it. And even now the words are essentially morphed versions of the English terms. When I grew up it would therefore have been impossible to distinguish between being transgender and being a drag queen, two totally different phenomena (a drag queen is a performance artist, a male actor wearing exaggerated female clothes and makeup to play a role, whether due to lack of women to play the role or as a form of shock comedy, most aren't transgender at all). And that stamp never applied to me (still doesn't, I loathe the way drag queens (and especially the pedophiles abusing the phenomenon to get easy access to children) are portrayed as ambassadors of transgender people even by many transgender people (who should know better).
Camp 1 - 6 months into the transition realization/decision and everything is easier to deal with. Challenges aren't lessened, but my approach, general feeling of well being and ability to let things go that I can't control certainly confirms that I should have realized what was going on a long, long time ago.
Definitely the second camp. I didn't know I was trans for the longest time. I knew I had depression since early adolescence, and my depression was resistant to all forms of treatment. The worst part was that I came to define myself by my treatment-resistant depression, thinking I was doomed to live the rest of my life that way. I was certainly aware that something was off, and I had many of the signs of gender dysphoria, but I always attributed those to my existing diagnoses, like social anxiety, body dysmorphia, OCD, or the depression in general. I assumed I needed to be "diagnosed" as trans, and since I'd been in therapy most of my life and nobody told me, then it must not be the case. It got so bad that while I was in the questioning phase, I convinced myself I was the only person on Earth who could "fake it for attention." It was either accept my trans identity, or let the depression win. Well, I'm out now, and my depression has gone into remission. I have to wonder just how many other people like me there are out there, with treatment-resistant depression that may turn out to have been gender dysphoria all along.
Plus one here :) your story sounds very familiar to me. Depression from my puberty, now in remission just exactly since my realization of being actually trans. Hey, we survived :)
I am definitely in group 2. I remember having thoughts, fantasies and ideas about changing my gender since childhood, but I repressed them for the longest time so that I didn't do anything about it until this year. I'm now fervently looking forward to my first endocrinologist appointment later this month. Still, I am plagued by fears from time to time and I've had the occasional doubt. Thank you so much for this and your other videos.
I am not trans, but so happy to see that there is this resource for people that are struggling with dysphoria, this is helpful for me to be a more effective ally I feel, thanks so much!
Fell into camp one. Its like you were describing my life but missing a few minor details. Finally decided in 2020 that enough was enough and I'm just going to start being myself. And yeah I don't worry so much about if I'm trans or not, but am I transitioning correctly, how society responds, and a heap of internalized transphobia. No real tips, but will say that my mental health improved dramatically just coming to terms with myself and accepting that aspect of my identity.
I think the reason it took me so long to realize this was because I was simply uneducated on the subject. I never felt comfortable in my body and always had to change in the bathroom during gym class because I was somehow embarrassed. I was also always jealous of the clothes the girls in my class wore, and I would dress up as a girl after class and walk the school hallways almost every day. and yet I didn't notice anything at that point. Things got particularly bad in high school because everyone else was going through puberty and I was just overwhelmed with everything and the others noticed that and bullied me. I developed an anxiety disorder, stopped caring about my body and have almost accepted that this is how my life will remain forever. Now I'm 26 and more and more things are becoming clear to me since I've been dealing with the topic. and I think realizing I was trans saved my life. Since I've been taking small steps towards a transition, I've been living healthier again, but I still have no self-confidence at all and am extremely afraid to talk about it openly. I feel lost and alone.
Once again Dr Z is on point. At 60 + years I spent all my life not wanting to accept that I’m Trans . That wasn’t even in my vocabulary until recently. I’ve realized that by sacrificing my fears and doubts, it empowers my womanhood. I enhance my femininity by allowing and excepting my female self to fully surface. I am becoming my true self. A Trans Woman. Thank you so much Dr. Z for all the help you’ve given us all.❤
When I was 4 I first said that I was a boy. I lived that way for a year but then I went back to being a girl because I didn’t have the support I needed to withstand the bullying and understand who I was. I assimilated and lived as a girl/woman until I was 31 when I had a major burnout and couldn’t do it anymore. Sometimes I think it’s strange that I was able to (and felt I had to) mask it and perform who I was for so long. I was so good at the performance and loved the positive attention I got from it, but it was exhausting. I struggle with these questions, I appreciate your explanations and your analysis. Thanks for this.
Mostly Camp 1. I'm nonbinary and I knew that something wasn't "normal" from the get go. But I had no idea what it was, no concept of anything outside the binary. So I repressed it for decades, with a dash of overcompensation from time to time. My doubt is not if I'm trans, because I certainly am. But more along the line: am I binary or not?
I hear your doubt. This is were small exploratory steps are needed to give time to each identity and to asses which is more you. Keep in mind there are gender identities that just dont 100% fit into lexicon and definition we currently have.
Dr. Z is right on again. I am in group 2. I am almost 69 years old and want to transition, I may have already started. My next steps are to do more hair removal and go on HRT. Each step you take seems harder than the one before. Yet, once taken seems the right path. Listen to Dr. Z! She is right on and provides such good and accurate information. Thank you Dr. Z.
So true!!! At 64 it hit me I might be trans. Things just fit into place and I realized why I didn't fit in. It explained my oddities. So I decided to transition medically first before socially (although I came out to the world while still untransitioned). For me that was a super smart decision because once I was on HRT my suicidal thoughts dissipated and I began to experience happiness for the first time in a very long time. I am only 9 months into it and I am somewhat disappointed in the physical results but I am still very happy. To me, this happiness was confimation that I am trans. I still have doubts but I am at a stage of acceptance. I don't care what the physical result is I will continue to medically transition and I have already played with some social transitioning. I still have to figure out where this transition is going. It is a work in progress and I don't know if I will ultimately be MtF or just androgenous. Time will tell.
I’m 25, and I’m in camp 1. I can remember the feelings back to when I was at least 7, which persisted through high school, but I had no words or terms for anything. I hardly had a sense that being trans was even a thing. For a while I thought I was a “cross dresser” because that’s honestly the only term I had to describe anything that I felt. But when I started college and finally learned about different pronouns and learned what being non-binary and trans even meant, I fell into that immediately. I never questioned it once, because I just thought “finally, a way to describe who I am for the first time ever.” It was a relief to have that knowledge, but I did fear making my parents upset and letting them down, so I kept it away in family circles for years and felt horrible about it for a long time. I’m agender and transmasc, so I really just clung on to the non-binary identity and resisted my masculinity because I thought that I wasn’t really “trans,” I was just non-binary. It took years for me to feel comfortable with the term trans, but the truth is that it always applied to me (and does for all non-binary identities, depending on what labels the person is comfortable with). Just this last year I finally started transitioning, and it’s like something I kind of knew I needed but always viewed as unattainable, just a dream. I think the only turning point for me was that I was tired of pretending and ignoring the issues, and I also went from full time to part time which gave me more time to really think about what I wanted out of life. I did in fact upset and disappoint my parents, but I had years of fear and pain behind me about that and it’s too far behind me to pick back up. I’m hoping one day they’ll understand, and I think they’re trying. I’m optimistic for my future and I’m so happy I finally had the bravery to become more true to myself-I’ve been on T for 8 months and I just had top surgery a week ago, and I really never had any real doubts. I feel like I’m slowly starting to own my body and fitting into my own skin for the first time. Thank you for explaining these two categories so well. It really makes sense when you describe how the other camp feels and why, and this video can help a lot of people. I feel like a lot of cis people don’t want to believe trans people for some reason, but the truth is that we also go through a huge process of trying to believe ourselves before we even take any big steps, and cis people just don’t understand what gender dysphoria and/or euphoria is like. Once trans people really understand themselves, they are every bit as sure about who they are as cis people.
I dont feel like I fit into either group to be honest. I started questioning about 4 years ago around when I turned 19, but I've never had a sudden burst of repressed dysphoria that you describe, and it doesn't explain any weirdness from earlier in my life either. I just slowly started wondering if I actually might like to be a woman. I liked the thought, and over time it began to occupy more and more of my mind until now I think about it every day, but I am not uncomfortable being a guy. I'm honestly more uncomfortable shifting my identity to be feminine, I have a mess of shame around it, but I still am always wanting to convince myself enough that I'm trans to push through that, or fantasizing about waking up as a woman. I like to describe it with the word yearning - it feels more like a positive desire to be a woman (or perhaps non-binary) than a negative disdain for being a man, which makes me not feel sure about saying I have dysphoria exactly.
I realized a lot of people who comment on this channel seem to have somewhat similar experiences to you, like realizing they might be trans through euphoria rather than dysphoria. I can somewhat relate to what you describe too. Growing up as a cishet woman I felt something was off for a quite long time until one day I suddenly thought (I was 27 then), “what if this whole time I wanted to be loved by a man as a man”. as strange as it sounds, I somehow felt like finally grasping some truth about myself. I started trying out transition in small steps and discovered how comfortable I felt in most of them. It was only after I started taking those steps that I realized signs of dysphoria and what might have been dysphoria (which I thought was something else). Looking back, since I was a teen I fantasized about being a man and having a penis from time to time, but I thought that was either just normal and everyone was hiding those thoughts, or I was some pervert, so I felt too embarrassed to explore. I was also trying to become more attractive toward men, so I was also trying hard to be more feminine. don’t have childhood dysphoria memories, used to wear feminine clothes a lot, in other words I was fine being a woman too, until recently. My “yearning” only continues to get stronger, and simultaneously I keep questioning if I’m trans enough. Right now I feel uncomfortable with the thought of “going back to trying to be a woman”, so I am going to see a therapist for more clarity and information. I don’t know why I’m dumping this here uncalled for lol, but I just felt like our experiences are a little bit similar. Hopefully some of that can be helpful to you and wish you a good luck in your journey whatever that leads you to!
@@wigglyduck3690 you're good, thanks for sharing I'm glad to read it! I think the biggest sticking point for me is the points where I feel like our stories differ, firstly in that I can't really say something was "off" growing up as a cis guy. There was some unexamined insecurity around gender but I'm not sure it's inconsistent with garden variety internalized toxic masculinity. The other difference is that oftentimes I often don't feel comfortable in taking steps to express myself not as my assigned gender, even though I also want to most of the time. This could easily be internalized toxic masculinity again, I think it feels more like shame around it than some inherent discomfort with femininity itself but it's hard to tell. Regardless, I feel like the fact that I keep coming back to that yearning in the face of that still suggests something's up. I fantasize about waking up as a woman, not waking up without these thoughts, which probably means something. Anyway I guess I wanted to process that, that was my turn for an uncalled for reply lol, best of luck to you too :)
That's me! I'm 56 and have been using every argument and deception to tell myself I can't be trans for 40 years despite knowing that I want to be female all that time!
At age 63, I find myself in Group 2. I worked through my Depression and also Gender Disphoria with both a Psychiatrist and a Therapist. I'm feeling much happier in my life about who I am. I am receiving HRT and it is doing well. I hope to receive further treatment in future. My fears now are from the Society I live in. In Florida, our Governor has been pushing a very harsh Transphobic agenda. I sometimes now worry for my own safety. Thank you for all your videos. Keep up the good work.
I'm 47 and have repressed my true gender (mtf) since I was 12 years old. Drink, drugs and over compensation, all of this in an attempt to quell the feelings I had, but no matter what I did they always ALWAYS came back and always stronger! Until 12 months ago, when I finally accepted it. I now have a different set of challenges and your videos have and are helping immensely. You do so much for the Trans community Dr.Z and for that I for one am very grateful.🙏 💖 X
Honestly, this is so accurate because I always knew something was off when I was going through puberty because my family always told me that being transgender is not normal and would rant about how the community is basically being brainwashed. so when i was going though puberty I thought that I was missing something. Now at the age of 19 I finally understand what it was. I would always notice that anytime when I was wearing more feminine clothing I did not like who i saw compared to when I was in men's clothing. Then around this time I started getting dysphoria.
Camp 2 here at age 45. The pandemic suddenly provided a lot of quiet in my busy life and suddenly things started to come to the surface like the desire to wear women's clothes but it all felt strange to be coming up so late in life. Thank you for this video, Z! I started HRT 2 weeks ago (for the 2nd time) and was crying last night that this is all mistake and I just need a clear path. Your words gave me some key direction to work from. So thanks again.
I think that I was in Camp 1. I had no idea that gender dysphoria onset at puberty was so common, and that's what happened to me. I tried to push away my feelings by abusing drugs and alcohol; and when I was nineteen, I finally figured out that I was trans, and I couldn't accept it, nor could I accept myself. I mistakenly thought that ENDING my life, would be better than doing the mountain of work I'd need to do to CHANGE it. [NOTE: As I look down from a plateau on that mountain, my life is WAY better, and so am I. I'm REALLY glad that I am becoming the woman I always was!!!] Back then, I was so very afraid of losing the life that I had, that I couldn't accept that it was all fake. I made an attempt at an end, and [THANKFULLY] I failed. I dove headlong into drugs and alcohol abuse, just to try to cope with the feelings that I was STILL having; and didn't end up coming out until I was 48. I wasted DECADES of my life, just BEING wasted. I couldn't deal with my gender dysphoria then, and I'm EXTREMELY glad to be in transition now!!! [I'm also coming up on 6 1/2 years clean, and I also quit smoking cigarettes in June of 2022.] It brings to mind a quote by Napoleon Hill: "It takes half your life before you discover that life is a do it yourself project." Now that I KNOW that I AM a woman, I'm working on becoming the BEST woman I can be!!!
For me, it was the end of my last relationship that finally blew the lid off. I didn't want to make my same mistakes (denial of my identity and living through others, especially partners) over and over again. Besides, I couldn't even put it all back inside if I wanted to, it's not possible. Plus, I cannot say that I really miss a thing now - I got something much better - THE REAL ME!
The boiling pot analogy is spot on, the thing that blew the pot lid off for me I believe was playing vrchat with a vr headset and experimenting with female avatars and people referring to me as she/her. The euphoria I felt that day was immense but so was the dysphoria boiling to the surface after taking off the headset and seeing my male self in the mirror.
I'm definitely a part of group 2, I am amab and I am currently in my mid 30's and growing up through my childhood and teen years I had no real conscious signs that I was not what I was, but going through my adult life I had discovered a few things about myself, one was that for some reason I hated my body (I still can't really look at myself in the mirror unless I focus on a specific spot), and another that I have had on my mind for the last few years is I might be trans (or at least gender non-conforming), about 10 years ago a friend lent me a book where the MC was put in a position where they had to live life as a girl, and reading that I found I started wishing that was me, and I found myself gravitating to stories like that more than before, and then a few years ago someone had left some woman's clothes in my apartment's main lobby, and in a spur-of-the-moment I took the lot, I had no idea as to why I did that, but I did, so I went through them and found some that looked like they would fit, and I tried them on, and for some reason it felt "right", it wasn't a pleasure thing, it felt good in a way that it felt normal, so for a few years I continued crossdressing, and doing research, then I discovered that normal people don't even consider what it would be like to be the opposite gender, and that some thoughts I have had are beyond what a crossdresser thinks about, so I have been asking myself if I am a Crossdresser, Gender Non-Conforming or am I actually Trans, all I know for sure is my personality is not exactly feminine and I have no issue with that and I don't "Hate" what I was born with below the belt, but I do wish I was born female! Also I have been watching your videos to help me understand my thoughts better, and they have helped! Also, sorry for the long post!
Dr. Z, you pegged me 100%. I'm in category 1. In my 20s I tried to do a lot of hero jobs and ended up joining the Navy. The entire time, I was completely out of my comfort zone and generally an outcast. After I was discharged, I ended up in a pink collar industry, libraries. Through my 30s, I became happier and happier to the point I knew transition was a must. Whenever I feel overwhelmed, fearful, or full of self doubt, I think about being old and looking back at the life I would lead as one gender or another. As a man, my life feels hollow, a shadow of what it could be, and kind of sad and full of regret on the happiness I didn't have. Thinking of the woman version of me, I see someone fulfilled, happy, connected, and without regret. That realization always sets me straight in my low moments. So here I am, in my late 30s transitioning and happier then ever.
Definitely in camp 2. Not a thought I can recall before exploding into my head at 64. It has taken me nearly 4 yours to have accepted myself as transgender. I certainly tried every rationalization and excuse I could muster. However, with the help of a gender therapist I was able to come to terms with myself and in the process have made some very positive changes in my self esteem and loving myself as a person. I am in the process of determining if I 'need' to transition. The idea intrigues me but so far I have found simple coping techniques for dysphoria. An example, my facial hair triggers me to the point I shave with me eyes closed. I find that brushing my hair for 60 seconds helps me back into a good place. I am concerned about health effects and impact on my close relationships of transitioning. Finding a reasonably priced therapist who does remote sessions has been a life changer.
I consider myself to be sort of a mixture of these groups. I always was aware of the fact that I'd rather be a boy. But it was given and I accepted that it's because of the lack of gender equality. I went through my life with a help of quite a radical feminism and I survived. Until I started to see, that being a feminist doesn't mean the same for my feminist friends - they actually did like to be women. I didn't and it came to me in very very sudden realization in my 39, that what I have is completely different problem. And I blame gender inequality for making this not accesible for me! If women had the same opportunities in life and everything, it would be clear sooner I think, why I just hate to be a woman. Even after I gained everything I could (education, job, money, car, traveling time,..), just with my own effort, I still hated to be a woman. Then I overcompensated by having three kids and trying to be the best mother on earth, just to fall into biggest depression and burnout. So, when I came to terms, I hesitated just a little, as everything made sense suddenly. I had these worries of making a mistake for about 2 years, but by now I'm quite sure - I have nothing to lose in a sense of my mental health, integrity and authenticity. Because one thing I'm sure about is, I was everything but authentic before this. Let's just try, if this will be better. If not, I'm sure it couldn't ve worse. Thank you, as always, for being so accurate and helpful :)
I mean, I feel like I have jumped between group 1 and 2 a few times. I did the army thing (still reserves!) to be more of a man and there were times I suddenly recognized even at an early age what I felt and then I straight up fought it so hard and lied to myself I literally forgot about it and put myself in group 2. So that is what hits me is that if it was something I could literally forget about, was I lying to myself then, or am I lying now? I literally don't trust my own feelings and thoughts anymore so it is hard to know if I am really trans enough.
I'm both Group 1 and Group 2. I experienced gender dysphoria as a child; as a teenager; and as a young adult in 2001, I tried to DIY medical transition but this was discovered by my mother and it was such a painful confrontation that the process was halted and the feelings were effectively repressed. They were repressed in the sense that even though I've spent the last 20 odd years with some awareness that I suffered gender dysphoria, I was in denial about the profound impacts this had upon my quality of life. I was in a world of rationalisations where I told myself that it doesn't matter how you feel on the inside; that everyone might feel like that but they're able to just get over it; that if I ever did transition then I wouldn't know whether it fixes the incongruency (what if the woman I one day see is still not the woman I feel inside) etc etc. A few months back, I started to feel waves of overwhelming grief and shame about my life in the early 00s. At first, I was paying very little attention to the elephant in the room. But I forced myself to write to myself about those times so that I could better understand why they were on my mind. It took me about six weeks of drafting a letter of 23K+ words before there was nothing to say except: I am transgender. When I started feeling upset, and when I was so upset that I felt that I had to write my way out, the gender dysphoria was not at all on my mind. My ego had insisted it was trivial, reproducing the manner in which a parent might trivialise their child's gender dysphoria. While I can see that I was most recently suffering from repressed gender dysphoria, as per the second group, my life experiences as a whole seem to put me in the first category. There is no doubt in my mind or my heart that I am transgender. Those doubts left decades ago. What I've let go is the fear and the denial. It makes room for the love and acceptance.
This video made me cry (in a good way). I think I'm part of the second group. I'm 36 and am constantly going back and forth with questions like the ones you address here. TYSM for this video
I'm in my early 40's and have just started coming to terms with feelings of dysphoria. Everything you said felt like you were talking directly to me. Stern looks and correcting feminine behavior from my parents as a child. Joining the military as a way of over correcting. Feeling a sudden 'moment of clarity' where the pieces seemed to align. Feeling that really want to transition, but terrified of not being able to pass or burning my life to the ground if I do. Thank you, I have a lot to think about.
I am in group 2, and am early into my transition. I just want to say thank you for the videos you make. They are really helping me in a strange time in my life.
I think for me it was my dad telling me to man up and not to be emotional that made it harder to realise why I felt so weird and different. It took until I was 17 to realise it was my gender dysphoria and now I feel worse because I know what I need to do to be happy but it feels so out of reach.
Group 1 around age 5-6 I clearly recall was when it really started affecting me, today I am 34 and have started my transition journey openly 7 months ago, also it was the 3rd time in my life I went through actually really wanted and felt ready to transition, but this time I followed my feelings and put my self first, I didn’t fight it for once and embraced it and it’s been the happiest and best decision I’ve ever made.
"Ages 30+ don't just wake up wanting to be trans" this is not the first time you say something like this, it brings me both comfort and strength, during the rough days I tell myself "Think about what Dr Z talked about". The days that I question my feelings are getting further apart and you have helped me alot with this, thank you 😊
Ask your peers in your age group if they ever want to be other gender. Not wondering what it would be like, but actually being and experiencing distress from that thought.
@@DRZPHD I actually did a couple of weeks ago after telling a friend, I could tell it was the first time she considered it and she got really uncomfortable and moved the focus back to me very quickly 😊
Group two . Thankyou again for your affirming and understandable explanation of this . I am now at a point of being totally comfortable in my skin now days. I am so grateful for your time and presence here and have forwarded your channel to quite a few early and more established trans folk . All are grateful . Hugs ( if wanted or needed ) and much unconditional love from us all . 💜❤️💜🐾💃🌈🐕☮️
When I was in my early 20's I thought maybe I was gay so I gave it a try and quickly discovered that I am not into men. I didn't know what I was feeling was gender dysphoria until I was 27 years old. Now 22 years later I'm still coping and haven't transitioned. Who knows what the future holds for me. I'll probably continue to walk the line between genders in a non binary way instead of full feminine trans woman. But never say never.
waos, i really felt you were talking directly to me on the second group lol, cannot belive it, i was wondering just that, and now i feel more confident about the decition im going to take, i soon gonna begin on HRT!! thanks Dr ZPHD
Group 2: I had deep repression from a young age. From very early on age 6ish I felt drawn towards feminine things, but the society and my parents never allowed any exploration of gender. The concept of even being trans didnt even really exist, anything on TV or any person in public that didnt follow gender norms was ridiculed. Anytime I would see something feminine and feel drawn to it, I would vigorously reject it and force my mind to think about something else. Then in puberty I started to feel attraction towards women and I was told by the internet and society that women are attracted to manly men, so as puberty changes occured I welcomed them as they theoretically made me more attractive, and I suppressed anything feminine within me to achieve this goal of getting the girls or whatever. But nothing is more unattractive than a person who isnt comfortable in their own skin and who is inauthentic. I feel like I never smiled authentically, I definitely never liked the clothes I wore. Looking at my hairy body made me uncomfortable, but I supressed it and even refused to ever shave my legs. And then now in my mid twenties it hit me like a truck. I was always politically left so when the trans political issues came up I suddenly found myself vigorously researching it at first so I could win arguments against transphobic people and spread awareness, but then I realized that I was maybe a bit too passionate about it, I found the memes and experiences a bit too relatable. I realized that for a very long time there were whispers in the back of my mind that would ask me if I was woman, and that if offered that press of a button, I would certainly press it... but I was still cis though... until one day I shaved my beard and looked in the mirror and asked if I could be a woman, I stared in the mirror and then for a single second I saw something feminine in my face and in that moment a veil lifted over my whole life. All the pain and the suffering that came from nowhere and was permanently suffocating me was lifted, it all made sense, it was so clear where it was coming from. I felt a massive release of euphoria, I felt a real smile swell on my face. That was when I knew that I was trans. I still sometimes doubt though because I never had those super clear and obvious feelings people talk about in childhood and adolescence. So thank you for the video. Thank you for makinf me feel like my experiences are valid.
I feel like I resonate with elements of both group one and group two, and I feel like this video is speaking directly to me, personally. I relate to group one because I've been struggling to prove to myself that I'm not really trans for basically my whole life, and I've been fighting through that conflict for decades, and, in the end, that struggle has eventually culminated in my inevitable acceptance and a much realer knowing. However, I also relate to group two because suppressing my transhood was a big part OF that conscious effort that I struggled through as part of group one, and the question of "what if I transition only to realize that I'm not really trans after all and I've made a horrible mistake" has been a HUGE motivating factor behind that suppression. And, if I'm perfectly honest, I STILL struggle with that question even now, at age 35, in the beginning steps of manifesting my transition, DESPITE the fact that I KNOW I'm trans and can't really deny it anymore. I keep trying to remind myself that, "on the other side of fear is freedom." That helps me a lot. I'd also like to share a little theory of mine, if you'll be so kind as to indulge me. I think that maybe the biggest factor as to why trans people who are aged 30 and up struggle so hard with this question isn't really related to our age, per se-like it's not BECAUSE we're 30 and up-but rather a consequence of the cultural attitudes of the era in which we were raised that have embedded themselves into our collective generational psyche. I expect that, when gen Z becomes our age, we'll probably still see some trans people in their 30s struggling with this question, but a substantially smaller amount OF them than we millennials today, and they'll probably have more social support than we have today, because that cultural stigma, while still present, wasn't nearly as pervasive in their upbringings as it was in ours. And I think that it's very likely that the amount of gen X-ers who are struggling with this issue, and who are STILL suppressing and denying themselves out of a culturally-induced sense of necessity, and who are suppressing themselves SO hard as to still be completely invisible and never telling ANYONE about it EVER, probably total an even higher amount than millennials, for similar cultural reasons, only amplified even stronger. As millennials, we were ALWAYS raised with the fear of making mistakes being drilled into us constantly, from every direction in society that possessed any degree of authority whatsoever, but especially from our parents and our teachers. Those of us who even were fortunate enough to have trans existence acknowledged AT ALL were exposed to all of the ferocious gatekeeping (still a problem, but admittedly not half as bad as it was twenty years ago in many parts of the western world), which was presented as a GOOD thing that was in our best interest, with this extremely powerful emphasis on "we have to make DAMN sure that you're not making a mistake before you can be allowed to do this," (as though it's even any of their damn business to begin with what mistakes we make or don't make with our lives; as though they're responsible for our responsibility of self) enforcing this idea that, for a VAST majority of people who transition, it DOES turn out to be a mistake. After all, why else would there be such a need for all the hullaballoo? Though, of course, modern research has shown that that couldn't be further from the truth, with our
Hi and thanks for sharing. YEs! When I divide people in age groups its not for the sake of age but to highlight that those who are older grew up in a different cultural/historical context.
I'm 24, but I definitely fall into group 2. My mum would shame me for not being "girly enough" and wearing "unflattering" clothes, because they were a men's fit. I always thought that it wasn't a possibility for myself. When I first had the thought "what if I'm trans", it scared me so much that I pushed it away. But it kept coming back and I eventually gave in. I have socially transitioned, but too scared to make anything official. I'm so worries I'm lying and making a mistake that it makes me want to give up and go back to who I was, even though I always felt like something was wrong then. I could never feel comfortable identifying as a girl. It always felt wrong, but I always believed that there was no alternative for me
I think part of it has to do with the fact that as my body has gotten older it has gotten softer and more curvaceous and my curves have always caused me some dysphoria that's why I've always felt better when I'm at a lower weight because my chest and hips are smaller and since I've started taking tea I've been slimming down in those areas and that's been really helpful
I'm in my 30s and yup, my concerns are mostly about how other people will treat me. When I sit with myself, and considering only myself, I know the answer. Thanks for the wonderful video!
Group 2 - repressed due to society, upbringing, time and place, did everything to avoid it - finally could not take it any more and stopped lying to myself in my 60's.
Solidly group 2. I'm 40 now, and I've spent the last two years working on the depression and anxiety I've been dealing with since I was 16. I think gender dysphoria has always been the root cause of my depression and anxiety (and substance abuse, and social anxiety), I just didn't see it until recently because I have been repressing it for forever. I always just assumed that the constant state of dread was just...normal. I grew up in a conservative home, in conservative places, and we moved around a lot so I never built support systems that I could rely on. I heavily internalized the homophobia and transphobia as a defense mechanism because I don't think I would have survived otherwise. Once the dysphoria box was opened, I can't stop thinking about gender my identity and gender presentation. Your thoughts that people secure in their gender identity don't spend every waking moment thinking about gender, or that adults don't just wake up and decide to be trans, make me feel more confident that I'm not just making all of this up.
I'm in group 1. I always had a sense being the wrong gender and often wished that I had been born a girl. Everything about being a girl seemed so much better than being a boy. I just didn't know anything could be done about it back then so I just tried to deal with it as best as I could. I hoped that one day I would feel comfortable being a man, so I even joined the military to learn how to be one. Spoiler alert: It didn't work. Once I accepted the fact that there was nothing that I could do that would ever make me comfortable being a man, I decided to transition. Since making the decision to transition, I never once doubted for my decision or questioned if I am actually trans. I spent a lifetime trying to be a man and it didn't work, so I knew that transitioning was my only option. It was also confirmed when all my anxieties and my depression vanished into thin air after starting HRT and feeling the effects of Estrogen. I thought that I was a unique person with a unique life experience, but after watching a few of these videos I now realize that I am just a walking stereotype.
Group 2 definitely describes me, though Im in my late 20s not 30s. I did experience what I now believe is dysphoria growing up but at the time I didn't know what the feelings were or what was causing it. Though I am pretty certain about the fact I'm trans, I continuously doubt myself because its taken me long to realise it and wonder if Im just convincing myself. Doesnt help that my mother also doubted it too because I wasn't super obvious about feeling that I was a boy growing up, despite me feeling that way subconsciously.
group 2 - I’ve been on HRT for 3 years and I love it but it was so scary for me at first. I was constantly questioning myself. I rarely do now, but sometimes things will come up that make me anxious about it. I am also more nonbinary than a binary trans man so sometimes that makes me confused. I sometimes worry that I miss how my voice used to sound before or that one day I will miss my old body. But I hate it when people misgender me because of my voice and I love my body the way it is now lol. We are also conditioned to be fearful especially with the way the media is talking about trans people these days. Thank you for your videos ❤️
My onset was around 3-4yo and it was constantly on my mind. I was given social cues from my family and through church that they thought people like me are sinful abominations. Also my older brother would constantly make fun of me expressing myself. So I tried to be a man but the people around me knew I was different but I still had to put on the charade to avoid ridicule even though the ridicule was unavoidable because I’d do or say something that would let cat out of the bag. But now as a 34yo I completely regret not transitioning earlier. I remember telling myself at the age of 12 that once I turn 18 I was going to transition but as I got older I became scared to face the social repercussions like being disowned, and causing family and friends shame for knowing me.
Group 1 almost 100% from age 4-5. Puberty was tough but I discovered all manner of distractions (drugs, alcohol, anger,violence,depression, suicidal ideation, art,movies, books, music, pornography (sex/masturbation) marriage, children and family. With no time for thinking and a life with no mental space for freedom or privacy I ‘managed’ to survive until my mid 40’s until despite all the noise I was making dysphoria hit me like a freight train. “HELLO! I’m STILL HERE and you CANNOT IGNORE ME! I’m still working through all the mental mess I’ve ignored and created (so I do feel somewhat Group 2 as well) but after coming out to family and friends and now 1 year into HRT I’ve never been so at peace with myself, even with ALL the cultural uproar and division surrounding TRANS. identity and ideology. As always, thank you Dr.Z for all your help.
I was in the 1.5 camp. I did NOT realize i was transgender. I didn't know the word, I had the wrong definition for the word. Etc. Etc. I did crossdress with my spouse's help (!) I had no pressure to be "manly". I kept doing things that were things that some CIS men would do. However, I doubt no cisman would do ALL the things I did. Here is a partial list: * laser away my beard (I was tired of shaving and my wife didn't want me to have a beard. Oh special price if you did 3 areas ? fine how about the armpits and groin as well) * mens jeans are baggy on my body. (my wife agreed, we both liked womens jeans fitting my body better) * wearing panties (wife introduced this as a lark - no she didn't have an agenda) * trying makeup (my face looked splotchy - ironically i hardly ever wear makeup now) * growing hair long (never tried it before - why not) * wearing 11 toe rings * having a secret contest of how many mens clothing articles I could replace with womens clothing and still being ided as male.) * wearing nail polish (to overcome shyness - In all fairness, it did cure my shyness - I knew that people were looking at me) * "pretending" to be transgender on grindr.This all ended less than 2 years ago. In the last 14 months, I :* went to a gender therapist,* picked a name,* came out at work,* went on HRT,* changed ids ,* and had FFS.I was doing transition prep for years. When my conscious mind finally caught on I basically did everything all at once. I literally am having a hard time remembering being male.
One of the biggest things in my opinion is defintetly overcompensation within personal/work relationships. Going above and beyond to anyone no matter how they treat you just becayse you want to be a good person and feel good. iits hard but stay positive and know no matter what were all energy and we deserve the best things in life, not pain and hurt.
Part of me is like "wow, this is so revelatory!" and another part of me is like "why does she keep reminding me I'm now an 'older' adult, I'm ONLY 35" 😫😵😂 Thank you for the amazing videos! Stumbled on this channel yesterday and it's so informative ❤️
I think there are a lot of different reasons people might have doubts. I think I'd fall primarily into in group 2, mostly because "transgender" or "gender dysphoria" were unknown to me until I was 52yo (very sad, but its my truth). A psychologist made the discovery for me and I've subsequently seen another psychologist who has confirmed that I am "clinically transgender". Despite having this evidence, I think it was my fear of the consequences of being transgender (I new that I would want to live authentically) that lead me down a path of trying to find something in my life that didn't support my being transgender. I haven't been able to find anything and have started transitioning now - and the night versus day (existence versus living) difference in my life makes me absolutely sure that I am (have always been and always will be) transgender. That said, I am Whitney - transgender is just a label that is relevant.
I'm a solid group 2. I was confused and sad for so many years, not knowing why. Searching high and low for the answer. When i finally figured it out i went into serious denial and stayed there for way to long, using the denial as a shield, acting as masculine as i knew how thinking that will make it all go away. 30 years later i'm finally out and living my happiest life. Still i have moments of doubt but knowing what makes me happy and that i will never go back to what once was. Still waiting for the treatment, HRT and all, to begin but feeling a newfound inner peace, and that peace is what tells me i'm on the right track whenever doubt comes around for a visit.
For me, I would say group 2. I know for a fact I haven’t been thinking about it growing up and it wasn’t until relatively recently that these thoughts came to the forefront of my mind. I think the reason why I repressed it in the first place has to do with being bullied in school so I unconsciously did everything to not give people another reason to bully. Obviously that didn’t work as bullies usually just find something else to do or say, regardless of how much you try. I think my good ability to visualise made me flee into reading to deal with it, as I, born male, practically only can read novels with a female protagonist, to insert myself in their position and sort of live through them the life I have not been able to do in the real world. Obviously doesn’t get rid of the dysphoria but it helps temporarily when I forget about reality.
Back when I was experiencing puberty, I didn't understand why I was disgusted by a puberty book I was given... It all makes sense after I realized I was trans in my late 20s/early 30s
I really needed this video. I'm in group 2 and it's just as much second-guessing myself as it is not wanting to be trans. I don't want to be trans. Life in the South (TM) is SO MUCH more terrifying than it already was . . .
I'm right in the line between both camp to be honest, my egg broke when I was 25 a 100% but then I repressed it so bad I felt back into camp 2, now I've started my transition at 31 and feels doubts but this video really helped. I believe this is mostly fears that needs to be overcome.
Definitely group 2. I experimented briefly with gender starting at like 10-11, but it wasn’t until 15 that I started getting what I now realize was dysphoria. I knew that would never be ok with my family and they made comments all the time as I became more and more masculine. But I always just thought I was a masc lesbian. It wasn’t until I developed an ED and got treatment for that in this past year that I really started questioning my gender and realized I have gender dysphoria. I used they for a year and now it’s been about 1 week using a new name and two people use he/him for me. It’s so scary and completely and utterly overwhelming, but if a name and a binder can make me start to feel comfortable in a body I wanted to destroy a couple months ago, I have to wonder if transition is right for me. I’m super excited to start t this month . Originally I was going to microdose bc I was identifying as NB, but now I want to try a full dose. I’m terrified but I really wonder if this could bring me peace with a body I grew to hate and help with this general sense of discomfort I’ve had, and specifically the dysphoria.
I'm a long way through my transition now but hearing everyone's accounts of gender dysphoria and when they noticed it and when it became a problem is absolutely what I've been through. I'm watching these videos now 12 years down the line and having some epiphanies. I've been waiting for all this time to have discovered resources like Dr Z thank you for sharing your knowledge.
I'm definitely part of group 2, but looking back there were times when I knew I was trans and I simply didn't have a word for it. I was a tomboy growing up, and that was my understanding of who I was for a long time. My mom constantly talked about how I needed to be more ladylike and learn things like cooking so I could provide for my husband one day. I think growing up with a "traditional" mother really pushed me into group 2. I'm 30 and I've come out as trans twice in the last 5 years, and I've taken it back both times. I'm so scared that I'm not 100% trans, and that my life will be ruined if I make the wrong choice.
Camp 1, and you're spot on about the fears. In hindsight, I know that I was gender noncongruent all my life. Always played with the girls as a kid, for instance. I had to become 30 to finally realize that yes, I am trans, and as old as 46 to start HRT. I am 48 now. If you had asked me before HRT if I experience dysphoria, I would have said no. But do you know the feeling when a loud noise that has been there all the time, that you didn't even consciously hear anymore, suddely goes away? The relief you feel? That is how I feel about dysphoria now. It was there all the time, and I only noticed when it started to go away. But I had (and still have!) so much to lose. I still play a man at work, I could lose a job that secures not just my existence, but also that of my family. Will my kids be bullied at school if their dad is suddelny their mom? What about the professional reputation that I built under a wrong name? But yeah, when I finally pushed the button to start HRT, there wasn't a shadow of a doubt on my mind whether I was trans.
I spent so long in my life trying to be a man, and being miserable doing it. I finally achieved true happiness of self when I accepted myself as the woman I am today.
I’m a mixture of both types. I feel like I’ve known since a very young age that something was “wrong” with me but I hid it so much, I put it all the way at the bottom of my mind that I kinda “forgot I was even there for some time. I even mocked myself for thinking I could possibly be transgender, but something triggered my disphoria and it’s come back so strong and hurtful… I’m still doubting myself, I sometimes think I’m not trans, because I see myself as my gender assigned at birth and I think life would be so much easier, because my family and friends tell me I’m so attractive as I am, and I have so many fears and questions, I don’t know what to do, sometimes I really wish somebody could tell me if I’m trans or not and make me realize all the signs. And if I wish it could all go away and be happy with who I am, be at peace with myself. (Sorry, English is not my first language)
Mmm... the advice to see a gender therapist is commonly repeated, but can often be difficult to access. I had the luck of having an insurance that would pay it for me and found a gender therapist I had heard great things about, but she ended up being awful about it - essentially yelled at me for doubting myself, didn't take my concerns seriously and treated me like I was stupid. After that experience I'm a lot less willing to go to the effort of finding someone new, nagging my GP to refer me for insurance reasons, and making myself vulnerable to a stranger again. That being said, over time I'm feeling less and less like I need to justify my feelings to a professional. At what stage do you just have to go "hey, I'm feeling relatively confident about this, why not just go for it?"...
Sorry to hear about your experience and I'll be first to point out there are some shitty therapists out there. I don't think one needs a therapist at all to solidify their gender or to start transition unless they are unsure, have questions, fears, or doubts they want additional support to work through. There is also a huge shortage of gender specialists, which is one reason I put out free content. Wishing you all the best and please dont feel the need to justify your identity to any medical professional.
I definitely knew i was trans. Being in my early 60s i still felt the need to to transition. I have had doubts at times . I'm glad I had a professional gender specialist and on the journey of transformation . I'm glad I made this decision and feel I made the correct decision. Thanks for this forum, you are very informative. ❤ the haircut and glasses. Thank you again.
I'm in camp 2 and I was well past my 30's when I figured out I'm trans. I always knew something was off. I was so awkward in my teenage years. At one point I literally hated myself. I tried to commit suicide twice, once in my teen years and once in my early 20's. I eventually made an uneasy peace with myself. But I never felt confident or completely right. That all changed once my egg cracked. I haven't started on HRT yet but I plan to. I just know that for the first time in my life I am happy in my skin. Just knowing who you really are makes such a difference in my life. I do get doubts from time to time that I'm really trans but I know deep down that I really am. Thank you so much for these wonderful videos!
I'm unsure which group I fit into? I wasn't aware that I was supposed to be a girl from a young age, but I did want to be one much of the time. I received a stern response when I asked my Dad if I could become a girl if I prayed it would happen. I felt ashamed at maybe 7 when he scoffed at me and said "Why would you want to be a girl?" In a disgusted way. I always felt like I didn't fit in with the boys, but I also felt out-casted by the girls and desperately desired to be one of them. I had lots of imaginary sisters and female friends that I spoke to. Then at 21 I realized, after being put on anti anxiety meds that I wanted to be seen as a woman, and my mental health cleared up. It was my secret, but within the next 3 years I have come out about it all. I feared that the urethral stricture I experienced from 18 to 21, and all that trauma from attending uni with catheters in, and on top of that, blaming myself for it potentially being the result of prone masturbation that I'd learnt at 7, might've caused me to want to be the opposite sex as a defense mechanism. As I look into that more though I realize how little sense that makes. Actually I think the reason that urological period was so difficult was largely BECAUSE I had a repressed gender dysphoria that heightened my discomfort. I feel that had I been a cis male, I may have dealt with that time with more self-assurance and self compassion. I didn't have a sense of self to direct compassion towards, which is why I spent most of my childhood and adolescence seeing therapists and counselors even before that urological issue appeared. Whenever I have doubt an inner voice has to stop me and say calmly, "No more, YOU ARE TRANS".
I feel like I'm somewhat in between those two groups. I'm 30, and I distinctly remember moments in early childhood when I was upset about not being a boy. I took pride in the phrase "tomboy" from the moment someone applied it to me, and now I realize it's because it was a socially acceptable way for me to be a boy. I was allowed to express myself in any way I wanted, but I was also raised Catholic and was expected to fill the woman's role. I'm also the youngest of three, and my parents tried really hard to have their little girl. But I was such a "tomboy" that my mom has joked on several separate occasions that she had two sons, and then she had her boy. But because I was the only girl in the family, that made me feel special. So, I tried to lean into being a girl while still keeping my interests. I was comfortable being a girl for a while because I was still able to play in the woods and enjoy "boy things." But then puberty hit. I have *hated* my chest ever since I started having to wear training bras. I mean there were times in the shower when I had an overwhelming urge to take a knife and cut them off (then I realized I could just not look at them and pretend they weren't there while in the shower.) However, I also have severe sensory issues with clothing, especially bras (and now binders.) So I'm genuinely not sure how much of my hatred comes from my physical discomfort with my sensory issues and how much comes from my discomfort with my gender assigned at birth. So, I mostly fall in the second category. I am uncertain because I was fine with being a girl for a while, and I know the main factor of my hatred for my chest is the physical discomfort. However, the word "woman" has *never* felt right to me. For a long time I thought it was just because I didn't feel like an adult. But then one of my high school students who reminded me so much of myself at their age came out as a trans boy his junior year. I was such a sheltered little Catholic kid, that I didn't even really know anything about trans stuff until he came out, and I started doing some research to support him. I started watching trans men youtubers and slowly started to realize how much I related to them. So I came out as non-binary. Ever since then, I've been questioning if I'm really a man, and the more I tell myself that I'm definitely not and the more I keep asking myself, the more I wonder if I'm just trying to convince myself that I'm not. I do strongly identify with gender neutral terms, and I prefer Mx. to Mr. But when neutral terms aren't available or feel more awkward, I strongly prefer the masculine one. Like with ma'am vs sir. Or queen vs king. And there is a part of me that would really like to take testosterone and lower my voice and grow some facial hair, but in reality I think I would regret that because facial hair would cause sensory issues, and I don’t want to lose my singing voice.
Camp 2 here. Everything was so repressed until I was 30, so as you say, I'm continually reaffirming my identity. It makes sense that someone like me (stable, has friends, good job) wouldn't just wake up with dysphoria - which is true, I am just realizing all the ways it's manifested that I didn't notice before. But I've had a hard time feeling comfortable with that justification alone (even though self identification isn't something that needs proof). I've realized that making the choice to take hormones every day, and being happier and happier with the changes that transitioning has brought, is in and of itself all the evidence I need to know that this is right.
Dr. Z, here is a clarification that makes sense to me. You say, People 30 and up just do not wake up and want to be trans. I would rather say people 30 and up who are not trans do not suddenly wake up wanting to be the other gender. In my own case, when I was around 40 I started cross dressing, MtoF, and quickly realized that I was experiencing something other then just wanting to dress as the opposite gender. Up to that point, I would say I was in Group 2. For different reasons that you have spoken about in other videos, after that time I consciously tried to ignore those feelings and live normally as a cis-male. For the next 25 years or so, I would say I fell into Group 1. I struggled with gender dysphoria, but went on living life thinking it was too difficult to do anything about it. Now, I am 68 years old and in transition having started HRT. Having been married for 19 years and being quite older, I now need to deal with all the complications of transitioning at a much older age. So, if there is really something interesting to add here, it is that a person can be in group 2 and at some point in their life find themselves in group 1. Only now that I know I am trans, even my therapist tells me so, do I look back on my life and see all the signs that I was in fact trans all along. And even deeply knowing that, I still ask myself, "Am I trans after all." I suppose I need to give myself more time😊.
I was startled one day when the thoughts came on so strongly. I question my gender weekly to the point that I thought I have Trans or Gender based OCD. Whether that is true or not the fact I have vivid memories of my dad saying things like "grow up, suck it up, be a man" and physical feelings that I never related to that macho manly style and instead have been a soft emotional being has led me to believe that I was never allowed to explore my feminine side. But panic attacks when I even think of wearing womens clothes I find myself in this confusing and hard to navigate loop. That I dont really have a gender identity and am clinging to anything I can and not being compassionate with my exploration. It has been a struggle and any advice or insight would be greatly appreciated. I am in therapy for this but its a lot of back and forth, second guessing, and even more panic and terror when the womens clothes go on. Hopefully one day I can be in a head space to explore these feelings and desires to wear womens clothes.
I'm about to turn 33 , I've had to supress my knowing that I'm transgender, my un happiness and depression of being male, and I learned at age 17 this about myself, it's really became to strong to ignore in my 20s, when I first came out was with a woman who I thaught was supposed to be open minded and loving, she beat me up after I told her. So for many years until recently I said that's it I'm going to embrace this %100 no matter what. And I actually have been. Having so much positivity and support. I have not begun the process of transition yet but I finally made my first appointment.
Definitely group 2. Looking back, there were signs that popped up at different times but due to lack of knowledge and language, I couldn’t really describe it. So I just kept it to myself.
Group 1 here. You nailed it with your explanation about wanting to fit in with friends. And definitely if a parent ever said anything. My Mom now says I never did anything feminine or showed any signs. Well no of course not. I became an expert at hiding it. I'm 45, just came out this year. Had some doubts and fear about how life and people would treat me. However I am 100% the woman I had always dreamed of being. I don't worry I will wake up and change my mind. 💜
i experienced intense gender dysphoria my whole life until the past year! i lived as a transgender child, teen, and adult. i think that my trans experience is still a big part of my identity and a big part of the way i currently experience my gender. i don’t REGRET transitioning at all, but im not the person i was in the past! its okay to figure out that maybe you’re not trans. i’m living life now as myself still, even after hormone therapy, and im happy. i WAS happy transitioning, and i am still happy now. whatever path you go on, and however you change, you will still be you. you will still have options to explore the world and explore the kind of person you are! don’t die wondering! 🩷
Thank you for the vid Dr. Z! There are so many correct and relatable points here. It never goes away the older you get. I sometimes picture it being my last though before dying and I'm sure millions of transgender people repressed their feelings lived and died in that same way. I also joined the military, but here I am still watching every single one of these videos and waiting for something big to happen. Also yes I'm so beyond the question "but what if I'm not trans" I'm 31 y/o btw
Group 2. 50's AMAB. This video hit hard, thank you. I'm still fighting it for all the obvious reasons but fundamentally I don't trust my own feelings. An adult life of variable depression. Always searching for a reason. I've grown so much awareness in the last few months but I'm still rejecting it. I'm seeing a counsellor and journaling and I'll continue taking small steps. Scary and seems ridiculous and that I'm grasping at yet another straw for an answer. Thanks for the videos!
an interesting conflict is at work here in your categorization of the two groups. group 1 folks, who have been dealing with this since pre-puberty, have that "gender incongruity" as you describe it, but early on know that it is a true, genuine feeling within themselves. Group 2 people, coming to their supposed gender dysphoria in later life, may always question their thoughts and often consider themselves to be "wrong" somehow. Hence the doubt. Group 1 folks however, after years of dealing with it and testing themselves and considering every possible option and result, will never consider their feelings to be wrong, just inevitable (and possibly inconvenient), inescapable and necessary. There is no guilt in a decision made in their decision.
Group 1. I knew that i was a girl since i was 4 years old but i never said anything. Even when my mother asked me if i wanted to be a girl i denied in panic to have been cought by surprise. Same with two more people asking me later. It only got way worse during puperty. With 22 i started living completely as a woman for 1,5 years, yet i always felt strong inhibitions and shame to really show my female side, i only did when i was alone. From negative reactions i started believing that i can not be trans because others just seem to be doing it without trouble. Now i am 33 and married for 4 years and i just realised that i have to do something a few month ago but with every social complication i start to doupt on myself again. Anyways i just found a good psychiatrist and now i just try to follow the flow. Your videos are really helpful, i could get a much better understanding of how our mind works and that some signs that seem to be saying "You are not trans" might actually be just fears or anxiety. I am trying hard to convince myself to be trans to not loose more time, yet however, for some reason all my insights dont keep convincing me all day long even though it seems so logical. It just needs "a stern look" indeed and everything falls apart. Here we go again, stop thinking and follow the flow.
I am in group 2 girlfriend. I started dressing like a woman outside of cosplaying in 2022. Since then I've improved my look and have fallen in love with the new woman me. So while I had no interest in being a woman full time both with cosplaying and not cosplaying all my life. Things have changed since 2022. I've been dressing as a woman full time since near the end of the year in 2022. I get feelings and thoughts with my reflection. How I look and how I feel. The support and comments from running errands, from family, from online friends and from local friends make me more happy. So in my defense 1 day I wore women's clothing and footwear. That started my journey. Then achieving near hairless face and body of a woman. Achieving a women's flat bikini area. Achieving woman's long hair. Achieving woman's small thin archy eyebrows. Achieving women's long painted round shaped fingernails. Achieving woman's painted round shaped toe nails. Achieving woman's realistic boobs. A lot of these were real while some were not but looked and felt real. All these added to what I loved having and loved in general since 2022. Especially in 2023. This is the year that I truly have been reborn as a woman. So unlike a lot of people. I had no Gender Dysphoria when I was younger. But since 2022...especially since 2023 I have it with how I feel, what I feel and what I see. Everyone that knows me sees I am more happy as a woman now a days. So to be truly happy again. I must finish my transition.
I've been watching some videos by people who have detransitioned, and who complained that nobody questioned them enough about what their problems really were. How do you distinguish between someone who might be experiencing problems that won't be helped by a gender transition from those who would be helped?
Hi. Excellent question. For me working with adults many factors go in including: duration of Dysphoria, their age, history, etc. I do not believe trans equal one must transition and think first and foremost one must confirm Dysphoria is stemming from gender root issue vs other factors.
Someone said it best about gender dysphoria and being transgender - "society has a problem not me."
True
At least for me, the "what if I'm not trans and I make a (horrible) mistake" question is in partly reenforced by society's scare mongering.
"If you don't fit into a box I like, I will reject and cast you out. So don't make a mistake you can't turn back from. That I can't turn back from looking at."
If we didn't get that message, and instead got a message around transitioning that was something like, "it's okay to make mistakes and it's all part of learning and growing and we will love you anyway," or heaven forbid, genuine curiosity about what life was like in the other gender for a bit, I think most of us wouldn't even be having this conversation.
This was a lovely video, comforting and though proving, thank you for it.
“All it takes is a stern look” resonated with me. When I was very young I asked to be called be a girl’s name and my mom said I shouldn’t do that, and she seemed uncomfortable, maybe scared. Like something bad would happen if I did that. So I put it away for a long time
Totally agree. I realize how little it took for me to be shamed and realize that I was "not normal". Any tiny thing from a stern look to any tiny comment on how having feminine traits would make me a freak made me just want to hide. I spent most of my childhood working on appearing just male enough that people wouldn't suspect me. Sadly in retrospect I was too much of a people pleaser and deeply regret not standing up for myself more.
Its amazing how much we as kids, will work hard at earning parental approval, including repressing who we are.
@@melissak3007 I've replied to another of your comments and I must say that what you are saying is so similar to what ive put myself through. I read and hear stories from other trans people and see that they still did what was right for themselves despite the pressures and it gives me hope that i too can do it.
I'm part of group 2. It was so sudden and jarring that my feelings happened that I constantly question if I'm making a mistake. Thankfully that voice gets quieter and quieter as I take steps but I've had to follow the feelings of what I do like instead of looking for dysphoria. And for me, those feelings have continually supported my transition. Almost verifying I am not making a mistake.
Affirming steps should always be #1 verifier.
I relate completely! Euphoria is just as telling as dysphoria!
That's actually a really helpful way to look at it
@@MathewRainTranslife101 Euphoria is a bigger sign. While there are many transgender people that do not experience dysphoria, almost all do experience Euphoria.
@@DRZPHDhi Dr can you pls explain chloe cause so far the trans dont want tl think about these issues. Its a shock to know what she went through. As therapist i am sure you don't want to transition someone who regret later on as its devastating. Maybe talk more about this so people don't see transition like going to a movie. I know trans calling for this calling for more vetting. Not just that you feel female and big tick approval for major life altering surgery. ❤
Or evem being euphoric or just ignoring the voice that say your making a mistake. You can feel euphoric on other things in life but the same standard is not applied. You can marry wrong person have euphoric feeling with intimacy with them too. Being in love with wrong person is not good sign.
at this age I am now (75), Dr. Z is talking to me 100 percent. Finally, ANSWERS !
Never too late. The oldest person I worked with was around 86. Glad some questions are getting answered too.
Rly? Why now?
Am 21 and i feel i belong to both cuz at my teenage years i didn't know what is even transgender or gender disphoria but i felt that i don't belong to men and i belong to girls in somehow and when i discovered that am a trans girl i didn't try to do anything to prove my self that no am not trans and am just overthinking about it i tried to do lot's of feminine things to test my reality and it all worked perfectly but i have a big insecurities about my self and am so overthinking that i might not be trans but my life proves the way opposite but it's this ugly thing called tests and my mind playing games with me and i dont know what can i do about them or about my self
I too!! I am 74 and have been having a nagging in the back of my mind to make the change. It is something I used to fantasize before I was 12 and attempted CDing about the same time.
You're an AGP. That's fine, but at least be self aware.
I cried by the 12 minute mark. You hit the nail on the head. I understand that I need to transition. I'm scared of losing my family, friends, and living situation. I live with a transphobic mother
Sorry to hear about your situation
@@DRZPHD I was revisiting another video of yours that I had seen a while ago. You had said that almost everyone knows by age 4 but here I'm seeing that some people may not know until they're older. Would you say like 90% of trans people know at a young age? Also, I know I used to be labeled as female around that age. Could that be ingrained deep in my subconscious?
th-cam.com/video/0MXYWAdw7O8/w-d-xo.html
Same situation here, only to add a cherry on top got a 5 yr old son too.
i tried many times but its consuming me and next month im transitioning.
what to do? please help,🙏
You won't loose the ones who truly love you.If they truly love you,they will accept you for who you are. I lost very few friends and very few family members. You will be amazed at how people react to truth
You hit me dead on at the 10 minute mark. I served 3 years in the Marines, bipolar and the Corp don't mix well. Then I was an ironworker for 20 years. I welded for 30 years. Now at 65 I started transitioning. I'm now 67, and to finally seeing a surgeon for surgery. But now my Surgeon has recommended twice that I not have the surgery do to the fact that I am going to be completely blind in the next few years. 30 years of welding has caught up with me. My optic nerves are hemorrhaging. So if you are uncomfortable with who you are, please do not wait to long.
I’m one of those individuals who didn’t really experience gender dysphoria until a bit later (early 20s)
The kicker for me was when people would ‘mistake’ me for being male and realizing how euphoric that made me feel, and after experiencing that euphoria I realized that I wasn’t as content in my assigned gender as I thought I was.
Although one thing that confused me that I haven’t really heard other trans ppl talk about is that while I didn’t really care how other people perceive my gender, I hated referring to myself as a girl. I felt like I was lying to the world and to myself and it just made me feel kind of sick, but if a waitress called me ma’am I couldn’t care less.
I’ve started pursuing microdosing testosterone as, while I have a hard time pinpointing what I want exactly, it’s been on my mind for over two years so I feel like I might as well just go for it at this point.
I find I doubt myself quite a bit as I often don’t feel like I’m miserable enough to be trans. I’m fine in my body as is, even if that wavers from day to day, but I just feel like I could be a lot better. I find that it’s not so much a question of if I want to medically transition, but if I deserve it.
I’m not entirely sure what my point is here but I just felt compelled to vent out my feelings to see if anyone could relate I guess. I’d be interested to know if anyone has a similar experience to mine.
Thanks for sharing.
Before I accepted I was trans I had the same thing where I didn’t care if other people called me a guy/man, but I didn’t like referring to myself in that way
That sounds really familiar in a lot of ways.
I completely relate to pretty much all the details of your story, so you’re not the only one!
Yes, for a while i wondered if i really felt bad enough to be allowed to transition. When i wasn't on my period it wasn't all that bad. And i knew someone who was a lot more masculine presenting than i was and a lot unhappier about being female so i felt like i didn't have the right to call myself a man if they didn't.
I'm now 10 years on t and it was the best decision of my life.
I didn't know until I turned 24. I just knew something about my life was off. Like I was still waiting for the kickoff. Like their was a layer of wrongness over everything or like I was far too different from everyone around me to truly connect. It took me over one year to build my confidence after seeking a counselor and I felt so certain, like I uncovered the fundamental truth of who I've always been.
But recently the person I'm closest to reacted negatively to me coming out through a letter I've been writing on for months. They told me 'I've known you longer than anyone else and this isn't you'.
Since then I've just been feeling so empty. Like my connection to my gender is just gone and I find myself thinking that maybe living through work and through family will be enough to make it through a lifetime. Still, even as I type this it feels like a lie.
i´m sorry to hear that about your closest person, some people think they know us better than ourselves, but that's not true! I'd sometimes considered about being in the rest of my life like that, but i realized that it's not the life we're meant to live. More than live its like survive, feeling always like its a lie, like you could be happier.
You are the only one who can decide that for yourself. But i thought that too at one point. And i'm glad i didn't try that out for too long. Maybe to put it into perspective: It is your life and you will have to live it. You are the only person living your life 100% percent of the time.
And for me at least, i'd definitely start to resent the people i try to live for if they don't reward me appropriately (by being perfect according to my standards, with material goods or whatever) for it. Even if they don't know about it. Too much drama for my taste.
I am so sorry to hear about what has happened to you. I wish you all the best.
Hi Dr. Z, I am now 67 and when I was about 15 I was responsible for cooking cleaning and shopping for my mom who worked shift work. She used to tell me that I would make some lucky woman a great wife! As I got older sales clerks would often addressed me as Ma'am or miss, perhaps subconsciously but I loved it. So I've started down the path of becoming the real me.
I would *highly* recommend you to read the book "Yes, you are trans enough" by Mia Violet.
She had the same reaction from her family, but that didnt stop her.
I'm in group 2. I felt weird all of my life without understanding why. I found all kind of stupid or strange reasons until I finally admitted that I had a gender issue - at 45. But, having found bad answers to my questioning before, I constantly fear that I may be wrong again. Your words are so soothing.
Thanks for sharing and I am glad the content is helpful.
I came out as trans at 45 (1.5 years ago) after realizing at 40 that I "wasn't 100% cis". What really made me decide to come out was when I started informally polling people in my life with an odd question.
"If you could change sex, would you and for how long?" My answer had always been "Yes" and it varied from 10 years to life. I was *flabbergasted* at people's responses. *Most* people said they wouldn't even for 1 day! A couple said for very short times like a week to a month. The longest was 1 year. I probably asked 20 people.
I finally had to acknowledge to myself that I was different. In a very real way. Cis people don't want to change their gender or sex. They just don't. Even *considering* transition in your 40's is a hugely significant sign that you are at least not 100% cis.
@@CorwinFound Yes you are totally right. Fact is that cis people would find it weird or offensive to be considered the opposite gender - they would be disturbed if somebody used the opposite pronoun, whereas I feel so relieved... So indeed, being transgender is not a phase that everyone goes through !
@@aer2195 I think a phase that a lot of people go through is some level of confusion or discomfort around gender roles and expression (especially in mid teens). Gender being a huge and ancient and malleable social construct means that many people have some level of discomfort with it around the edges. But once most people figure out how they want to be in the gender category they were assigned at birth, they are relatively comfortable. But as an adult, with years of experience with that gender you still feel uncomfortable? You are trans. Or at least not 100% cis.
Well, yes, I am! A 100% for sure !😆 Now everybody around me knows about it. But since I discovered it so late in my life, I sometimes struggle with legitimity (and proof, since I'm not on HRT). Anyway, at least (and at last) I know who I truly am. And things suddenly make sense.
This year I'll be 38, and I didn't even know about my gender dysphoria until about 32ish. So I think that (and everything else you said) puts me firmly in the 2nd group. I often have the question "am I really trans?". You pointed out that those who are secure in their gender, over 30, don't really have a questioning of gender, and in some ways, the fact that I have dysphoria about my gender is confirming that I am trans (among many other things). Thank you for this video, I think I really needed it today.
💖 -Ava
Glad it was helpful.
Camp 2 and what an absolute mirror to be looking in to. My gender dysphoria hit me when I was 10. I asked myself "what if I transformed into a girl" and I'd spend many nights wishing I was a girl and got to do the things girls got to do. But that was always the thing, these thoughts were mainly at night or when things were quiet. Life would preoccupy me, for the most part, and I wouldn't think about it. But even then, something would cross my path that I'd want and I'd go right back to wishing I was a girl. But even I did the whole gender test thing. I joined Karate when I was younger and it became my "I am a man because I somewhat enjoy karate". However, that also didn't stop me from wishing I was in ballet and dancing like the girls, either.
It's just so weird being an adult now. When I was a teen/young adult and I had my hidden stash, wearing that stuff was nothing more than a rush of excitement. Now that I'm out and everyone knows, that excitement is gone and what has replaced it is a feeling of comfort and peace. It's also weird how a lot of my behaviors instantly changed. Unless I'm cold, I don't cross my arms across my chest anymore, I don't walk with my head toward the ground, my posture is better, and I'm not constantly wearing hoodies and baggier, darker clothes. I'm actually picking colors now instead of having everything gray or black, and I'm doing it without realizing it, even if it is my masculine clothes.
I've had these feelings of doubts before. They do creep in. I'm able to push them away with the whole, "cis people don't spend their lives wishing they were the opposite sex". But it still manages to get by sometimes, especially when you start running into the transphobic spaces on the internet, which I do often as a political activist. They have a way of getting in your head, but I have to remind myself that they don't experience what I experience. They never stayed up until 3 AM on a school night begging to God or whoever is listening be the opposite sex or give you some magical means to do so, and then repeating that the next night. So that ends up grounding me, too. That self-doubt is a hard thing to deal with, but I can't deny the feelings I get when I able to be myself. I can't deny the feelings I get when someone calls me by my name or acknowledges me as a woman. I really wish that I had known I was transgender at a younger age, but so much of this was shoved under the rug when I was little. Maybe my life would have been much different had I been told it would be OK for me to be a girl, even when I was younger than 10.
Thanks for sharing.
Hey Diane, you're describing my life too, i feel that, you make me tear up a little bit. TY for that! i couldn't do it better!
I remember desiring to transform into a girl anytime other guys used to bully me, and I dont mean some superhero woman, it just meant to be free to be me, so I could feel like at least they know who they talk to, I felt dirty inside just for being treated as a boy, often I used to say to myself 'I wanna go home' while knowing it meant being a girl, literally to come to myself and be free.
Group 2. I feel like you made this video specifically for me lol.
I’m 23 and started HRT 9 months ago, and I still sometimes wonder if I’m actually trans.
I went through much of my life feeling miserable, particularly during puberty, but I had no idea that I was trans until it blindsided me in October last year. I suppose in retrospect, I remember a period of time in high school when I was in agony for weeks/months, desperately wishing that I had female anatomy, to the point of rolling around on my bed crying, and googling things about both bottom and top surgery. You’d think it would be obvious to me that I was trans, but I completely repressed all of that until 9-10 months ago.
When I had the realization it completely shocked me and sent me into a month long identity crisis. I was barely hanging on (not svicidal, but just emotionally distraught and drained, and feeling extremely lost) but I immediately set up appointments to get HRT “just in case” since I knew that I might want them when my identity crisis began to resolve.
I had my first doctor appointment in November and immediately started HRT, but at that point I still wasn’t sure if I was trans. I kept reminding myself that short term HRT wouldn’t hurt me at all if it turns out that I wasn’t trans, so I kept taking it.
My mental health improved quickly on HRT, and I started feeling better than I ever had, and I still wondered if I was really trans. Then 2 months in, my breasts started developing to my excitement, but I still wondered if I was really trans. Then about 4 months in, my face was becoming significantly more fem, the laser hair removal was doing wonders, and I was loving who I saw in the mirror, but I still wondered if I was trans. Then 5 months in, I actually had breasts and I was feeling so good and happy on a consistent basis for the first time in my life that I quit multiple years-long and daily-use substance addictions (that I was unknowingly using to numb myself from the discomfort of existing with a gender I wasn’t happy with) with no desire to return to them after quitting, and I still wondered if I was really trans. I could go on, but I think you get the point. Even now, though much less often compared to several months ago, I still wonder if I’m really trans. It sounds absurd, given how much I’ve loved every moment of my transition so far, but it still fucks with me from time to time.
I guess that was a lot. Hopefully all that made sense and wasn’t too wordy, but that’s been my experience, and it’s really reassuring and relieving to watch this video, and finally have a better understanding of why I feel the way I do.
Dr. Z, idk if you’ll read this, but in the video you mentioned two different age groups that group 2 falls into. 22-30 and 30+. I don’t think you talked very much about the 22-30 group specifically and what the differences are that you’ve noticed between that group and the 30+ group. Would love another video (or even a short explanation here in the comments) about what you’ve observed between those two age groups, if it’s not any trouble. Thanks so much for the work you do making these really helpful videos!:)
Thanks for sharing. There primary difference in group I’d say 18-28 is prefrontal cortex not fully developed.
This is completely understandable. When you listen to yourself you hear "hellz ya, I am trans." The problem is our society tells you over and over in overt, covert, and even subtext that..." Being trans is just a delusion, or people are just playing along... Well some people are.that does not mean it is a delusion. The irony always gets to me... Like lmagine !icing in the ages when "the earth is round" was considered nonsense. Now imagine everyone that wants to be "pc" going along with it to be polite. And keeping their real opinion to themselves in front of you... This is our reality.... Unfortunately the flat heart here are extremely loud, and those that will smile and say "sure the Earth is flat" vanish when a flat earth's is turning your face... Well you know the rest...the people that smile but refuse to defend you drive the message home.." Look this is not real. I just don't wanna be called transphobic."
A final piece of advice... Want to lose most of your doubts? Meet a group of trans people and PROTEST. When you are arm in arm with fellow transgender people, AND a few cis allies!!! You will feel affirmed as f#€k.
Camp 2 here. Bout sums it up. I really appreciated the boiling pot analogy because my egg literally shattered in an instant at 42... out of nowhere! I didn't think that's a thing that happened and has/is a major point of contention and dissonance. It doesn't help that I'm extraordinarily isolated, with severe anxiety who can't afford therapy and is trying to play one for herself with the help of the interwebs and creators like yourself. Trust me, am woefully unqualified for the job.
I can't imagine how difficult and isolating this must has been for older trans generations. Holy hell!
Thanks for sharing and yes, while it is still so hard for many today, it is still more easier due to internet and the resources accessible on it.
I'm in group 2. Even as a kid had issues thinking i was gay. Now, after been with a beautiful woman, who wants me to be myself the strong feeling living as a women returned, crazy. I think it was the moment I let her poke me from the back. And now, it's like something I put away is back and strong and I want it , I like it. I'm 45 turning 46 this year. This is something I'm not taking lightly.
Awesome, video 🥰
Thank you for sharing.
I’m in category 1 but I had a fear you didn’t mention which is that I wasn’t “as trans as other people” and therefore it wouldn’t be worth it for me to transition. Or maybe another way of phrasing it is I was afraid that being trans wasn’t the main source of my pain, and transitioning would just make things worse.
This was largely due to lack of education and awareness about gender dysphoria and trans people. I knew there was something different about me and I was experiencing tremendous anguish. I knew that there was something incongruent about my gender.
However, I didn’t understand that gender incongruency could (and often does) cause anguish manifesting as shame and depression which leads to addiction, self-harm, and inexplicable relationship problems.
So I knew that yes, I wanted to be a girl, and yes, I was in a lot of pain, but no, that’s not the cause of my pain. This is related to what you were talking about with how I/we try everything else to alleviate the pain first before trying transitioning.
It’s embarrassing looking back on it how little I knew about gender dysphoria and trans people. When I was younger like 17-19 I used to read all about mental illnesses online, looking for something that fit, since I knew it was more than just depression and anxiety - BPD, NPD, schizophrenia, OCD - and I always found bits of things that fit but it was never quite right.
For some reason I never looked into gender dysphoria and only slowly became aware of it by seeing occasional mentions on social media. I think I was just too disgusted and ashamed by the idea I could be trans, due to internalized transphobia from social conditioning, that whenever the thought popped up I immediately dismissed it, came up with my rationalizations for why I wasn’t trans, and moved on.
Rationalizations like: this isn’t the cause of my pain. I’m not as trans as other people. there must be something different about them. I don’t think about my gender that much, I think about suicide and drugs, it must be a mental illness. (I know it’s controversial whether to talk about gender dysphoria as a mental illness… but I at least didn’t think of it as one at the time. Maybe I would have looked into it more if I had.)
So… even those of us who are younger (I’m 27 now) still suffer from lack of education and awareness. If only I had been screened for gender dysphoria like I was screened for countless other things when I went to psychiatrists and therapists. If only I had watched a 10 minute video about gender dysphoria in my health class in middle school. If only I had known someone who was openly trans. If only there had been an awareness campaign at my college. If only if only…
Thank you for sharing.
@@DRZPHD my pleasure
"This was largely due to lack of education and awareness about gender dysphoria and trans people."
yes. In my case to the point that the language spoken where I grew up didn't even have a word for it. And even now the words are essentially morphed versions of the English terms.
When I grew up it would therefore have been impossible to distinguish between being transgender and being a drag queen, two totally different phenomena (a drag queen is a performance artist, a male actor wearing exaggerated female clothes and makeup to play a role, whether due to lack of women to play the role or as a form of shock comedy, most aren't transgender at all). And that stamp never applied to me (still doesn't, I loathe the way drag queens (and especially the pedophiles abusing the phenomenon to get easy access to children) are portrayed as ambassadors of transgender people even by many transgender people (who should know better).
Camp 1 - 6 months into the transition realization/decision and everything is easier to deal with. Challenges aren't lessened, but my approach, general feeling of well being and ability to let things go that I can't control certainly confirms that I should have realized what was going on a long, long time ago.
Glad you are feeling so much better.
Definitely the second camp. I didn't know I was trans for the longest time. I knew I had depression since early adolescence, and my depression was resistant to all forms of treatment. The worst part was that I came to define myself by my treatment-resistant depression, thinking I was doomed to live the rest of my life that way. I was certainly aware that something was off, and I had many of the signs of gender dysphoria, but I always attributed those to my existing diagnoses, like social anxiety, body dysmorphia, OCD, or the depression in general. I assumed I needed to be "diagnosed" as trans, and since I'd been in therapy most of my life and nobody told me, then it must not be the case. It got so bad that while I was in the questioning phase, I convinced myself I was the only person on Earth who could "fake it for attention."
It was either accept my trans identity, or let the depression win. Well, I'm out now, and my depression has gone into remission. I have to wonder just how many other people like me there are out there, with treatment-resistant depression that may turn out to have been gender dysphoria all along.
Plus one here :) your story sounds very familiar to me. Depression from my puberty, now in remission just exactly since my realization of being actually trans. Hey, we survived :)
Thank you for sharing
Quite a few I expect -and I'm one of them.
I am definitely in group 2. I remember having thoughts, fantasies and ideas about changing my gender since childhood, but I repressed them for the longest time so that I didn't do anything about it until this year. I'm now fervently looking forward to my first endocrinologist appointment later this month. Still, I am plagued by fears from time to time and I've had the occasional doubt. Thank you so much for this and your other videos.
Thank you for sharing.
I am not trans, but so happy to see that there is this resource for people that are struggling with dysphoria, this is helpful for me to be a more effective ally I feel, thanks so much!
Thanks for seeking to educate yourself.
Fell into camp one. Its like you were describing my life but missing a few minor details. Finally decided in 2020 that enough was enough and I'm just going to start being myself. And yeah I don't worry so much about if I'm trans or not, but am I transitioning correctly, how society responds, and a heap of internalized transphobia.
No real tips, but will say that my mental health improved dramatically just coming to terms with myself and accepting that aspect of my identity.
Thanks for sharing.
You're AGP identity. That's fine, but just be self aware.
I think the reason it took me so long to realize this was because I was simply uneducated on the subject.
I never felt comfortable in my body and always had to change in the bathroom during gym class because I was somehow embarrassed.
I was also always jealous of the clothes the girls in my class wore, and I would dress up as a girl after class and walk the school hallways almost every day.
and yet I didn't notice anything at that point.
Things got particularly bad in high school because everyone else was going through puberty and I was just overwhelmed with everything and the others noticed that and bullied me.
I developed an anxiety disorder, stopped caring about my body and have almost accepted that this is how my life will remain forever.
Now I'm 26 and more and more things are becoming clear to me since I've been dealing with the topic.
and I think realizing I was trans saved my life.
Since I've been taking small steps towards a transition, I've been living healthier again, but I still have no self-confidence at all and am extremely afraid to talk about it openly. I feel lost and alone.
Once again Dr Z is on point. At 60 + years I spent all my life not wanting to accept that I’m Trans . That wasn’t even in my vocabulary until recently. I’ve realized that by sacrificing my fears and doubts, it empowers my womanhood. I enhance my femininity by allowing and excepting my female self to fully surface. I am becoming my true self. A Trans Woman. Thank you so much Dr. Z for all the help you’ve given us all.❤
When I was 4 I first said that I was a boy. I lived that way for a year but then I went back to being a girl because I didn’t have the support I needed to withstand the bullying and understand who I was. I assimilated and lived as a girl/woman until I was 31 when I had a major burnout and couldn’t do it anymore. Sometimes I think it’s strange that I was able to (and felt I had to) mask it and perform who I was for so long. I was so good at the performance and loved the positive attention I got from it, but it was exhausting. I struggle with these questions, I appreciate your explanations and your analysis. Thanks for this.
Mostly Camp 1. I'm nonbinary and I knew that something wasn't "normal" from the get go. But I had no idea what it was, no concept of anything outside the binary. So I repressed it for decades, with a dash of overcompensation from time to time. My doubt is not if I'm trans, because I certainly am. But more along the line: am I binary or not?
I hear your doubt. This is were small exploratory steps are needed to give time to each identity and to asses which is more you. Keep in mind there are gender identities that just dont 100% fit into lexicon and definition we currently have.
Dr. Z is right on again. I am in group 2. I am almost 69 years old and want to transition, I may have already started. My next steps are to do more hair removal and go on HRT. Each step you take seems harder than the one before. Yet, once taken seems the right path. Listen to Dr. Z! She is right on and provides such good and accurate information. Thank you Dr. Z.
Thanks for sharing.
So true!!! At 64 it hit me I might be trans. Things just fit into place and I realized why I didn't fit in. It explained my oddities. So I decided to transition medically first before socially (although I came out to the world while still untransitioned). For me that was a super smart decision because once I was on HRT my suicidal thoughts dissipated and I began to experience happiness for the first time in a very long time. I am only 9 months into it and I am somewhat disappointed in the physical results but I am still very happy. To me, this happiness was confimation that I am trans. I still have doubts but I am at a stage of acceptance. I don't care what the physical result is I will continue to medically transition and I have already played with some social transitioning. I still have to figure out where this transition is going. It is a work in progress and I don't know if I will ultimately be MtF or just androgenous. Time will tell.
Thanks for sharing.
I’m 25, and I’m in camp 1. I can remember the feelings back to when I was at least 7, which persisted through high school, but I had no words or terms for anything. I hardly had a sense that being trans was even a thing. For a while I thought I was a “cross dresser” because that’s honestly the only term I had to describe anything that I felt. But when I started college and finally learned about different pronouns and learned what being non-binary and trans even meant, I fell into that immediately. I never questioned it once, because I just thought “finally, a way to describe who I am for the first time ever.” It was a relief to have that knowledge, but I did fear making my parents upset and letting them down, so I kept it away in family circles for years and felt horrible about it for a long time.
I’m agender and transmasc, so I really just clung on to the non-binary identity and resisted my masculinity because I thought that I wasn’t really “trans,” I was just non-binary. It took years for me to feel comfortable with the term trans, but the truth is that it always applied to me (and does for all non-binary identities, depending on what labels the person is comfortable with). Just this last year I finally started transitioning, and it’s like something I kind of knew I needed but always viewed as unattainable, just a dream. I think the only turning point for me was that I was tired of pretending and ignoring the issues, and I also went from full time to part time which gave me more time to really think about what I wanted out of life. I did in fact upset and disappoint my parents, but I had years of fear and pain behind me about that and it’s too far behind me to pick back up. I’m hoping one day they’ll understand, and I think they’re trying. I’m optimistic for my future and I’m so happy I finally had the bravery to become more true to myself-I’ve been on T for 8 months and I just had top surgery a week ago, and I really never had any real doubts. I feel like I’m slowly starting to own my body and fitting into my own skin for the first time.
Thank you for explaining these two categories so well. It really makes sense when you describe how the other camp feels and why, and this video can help a lot of people. I feel like a lot of cis people don’t want to believe trans people for some reason, but the truth is that we also go through a huge process of trying to believe ourselves before we even take any big steps, and cis people just don’t understand what gender dysphoria and/or euphoria is like. Once trans people really understand themselves, they are every bit as sure about who they are as cis people.
I think there is a lot at work to disregard trans adult narratives as if a tremendous number of population is suddenly delusional.
I dont feel like I fit into either group to be honest. I started questioning about 4 years ago around when I turned 19, but I've never had a sudden burst of repressed dysphoria that you describe, and it doesn't explain any weirdness from earlier in my life either. I just slowly started wondering if I actually might like to be a woman. I liked the thought, and over time it began to occupy more and more of my mind until now I think about it every day, but I am not uncomfortable being a guy. I'm honestly more uncomfortable shifting my identity to be feminine, I have a mess of shame around it, but I still am always wanting to convince myself enough that I'm trans to push through that, or fantasizing about waking up as a woman. I like to describe it with the word yearning - it feels more like a positive desire to be a woman (or perhaps non-binary) than a negative disdain for being a man, which makes me not feel sure about saying I have dysphoria exactly.
I realized a lot of people who comment on this channel seem to have somewhat similar experiences to you, like realizing they might be trans through euphoria rather than dysphoria. I can somewhat relate to what you describe too.
Growing up as a cishet woman I felt something was off for a quite long time until one day I suddenly thought (I was 27 then), “what if this whole time I wanted to be loved by a man as a man”. as strange as it sounds, I somehow felt like finally grasping some truth about myself. I started trying out transition in small steps and discovered how comfortable I felt in most of them. It was only after I started taking those steps that I realized signs of dysphoria and what might have been dysphoria (which I thought was something else).
Looking back, since I was a teen I fantasized about being a man and having a penis from time to time, but I thought that was either just normal and everyone was hiding those thoughts, or I was some pervert, so I felt too embarrassed to explore. I was also trying to become more attractive toward men, so I was also trying hard to be more feminine. don’t have childhood dysphoria memories, used to wear feminine clothes a lot, in other words I was fine being a woman too, until recently. My “yearning” only continues to get stronger, and simultaneously I keep questioning if I’m trans enough. Right now I feel uncomfortable with the thought of “going back to trying to be a woman”, so I am going to see a therapist for more clarity and information.
I don’t know why I’m dumping this here uncalled for lol, but I just felt like our experiences are a little bit similar. Hopefully some of that can be helpful to you and wish you a good luck in your journey whatever that leads you to!
Thanks for sharing.
@@wigglyduck3690 you're good, thanks for sharing I'm glad to read it!
I think the biggest sticking point for me is the points where I feel like our stories differ, firstly in that I can't really say something was "off" growing up as a cis guy. There was some unexamined insecurity around gender but I'm not sure it's inconsistent with garden variety internalized toxic masculinity.
The other difference is that oftentimes I often don't feel comfortable in taking steps to express myself not as my assigned gender, even though I also want to most of the time. This could easily be internalized toxic masculinity again, I think it feels more like shame around it than some inherent discomfort with femininity itself but it's hard to tell.
Regardless, I feel like the fact that I keep coming back to that yearning in the face of that still suggests something's up. I fantasize about waking up as a woman, not waking up without these thoughts, which probably means something.
Anyway I guess I wanted to process that, that was my turn for an uncalled for reply lol, best of luck to you too :)
That's me! I'm 56 and have been using every argument and deception to tell myself I can't be trans for 40 years despite knowing that I want to be female all that time!
So so common.
At age 63, I find myself in Group 2. I worked through my Depression and also Gender Disphoria with both a Psychiatrist and a Therapist. I'm feeling much happier in my life about who I am. I am receiving HRT and it is doing well. I hope to receive further treatment in future. My fears now are from the Society I live in. In Florida, our Governor has been pushing a very harsh Transphobic agenda. I sometimes now worry for my own safety. Thank you for all your videos. Keep up the good work.
Thank you for sharing and I wish you all the best.
That is not true. None of your rights are being taken away. No one is doing anything to you.
I'm 47 and have repressed my true gender (mtf) since I was 12 years old. Drink, drugs and over compensation, all of this in an attempt to quell the feelings I had, but no matter what I did they always ALWAYS came back and always stronger! Until 12 months ago, when I finally accepted it. I now have a different set of challenges and your videos have and are helping immensely. You do so much for the Trans community Dr.Z and for that I for one am very grateful.🙏 💖
X
Always glad to be of help!!! There is a lot about gender identity formation that we need to understand and also need to keep such discussions going.
Honestly, this is so accurate because I always knew something was off when I was going through puberty because my family always told me that being transgender is not normal and would rant about how the community is basically being brainwashed. so when i was going though puberty I thought that I was missing something. Now at the age of 19 I finally understand what it was. I would always notice that anytime when I was wearing more feminine clothing I did not like who i saw compared to when I was in men's clothing. Then around this time I started getting dysphoria.
Camp 2 here at age 45. The pandemic suddenly provided a lot of quiet in my busy life and suddenly things started to come to the surface like the desire to wear women's clothes but it all felt strange to be coming up so late in life. Thank you for this video, Z! I started HRT 2 weeks ago (for the 2nd time) and was crying last night that this is all mistake and I just need a clear path. Your words gave me some key direction to work from. So thanks again.
Wishing you all the best.
I think that I was in Camp 1. I had no idea that gender dysphoria onset at puberty was so common, and that's what happened to me. I tried to push away my feelings by abusing drugs and alcohol; and when I was nineteen, I finally figured out that I was trans, and I couldn't accept it, nor could I accept myself. I mistakenly thought that ENDING my life, would be better than doing the mountain of work I'd need to do to CHANGE it. [NOTE: As I look down from a plateau on that mountain, my life is WAY better, and so am I. I'm REALLY glad that I am becoming the woman I always was!!!] Back then, I was so very afraid of losing the life that I had, that I couldn't accept that it was all fake. I made an attempt at an end, and [THANKFULLY] I failed. I dove headlong into drugs and alcohol abuse, just to try to cope with the feelings that I was STILL having; and didn't end up coming out until I was 48. I wasted DECADES of my life, just BEING wasted. I couldn't deal with my gender dysphoria then, and I'm EXTREMELY glad to be in transition now!!! [I'm also coming up on 6 1/2 years clean, and I also quit smoking cigarettes in June of 2022.] It brings to mind a quote by Napoleon Hill: "It takes half your life before you discover that life is a do it yourself project." Now that I KNOW that I AM a woman, I'm working on becoming the BEST woman I can be!!!
Thank you for sharing.
For me, it was the end of my last relationship that finally blew the lid off. I didn't want to make my same mistakes (denial of my identity and living through others, especially partners) over and over again. Besides, I couldn't even put it all back inside if I wanted to, it's not possible. Plus, I cannot say that I really miss a thing now - I got something much better - THE REAL ME!
The boiling pot analogy is spot on, the thing that blew the pot lid off for me I believe was playing vrchat with a vr headset and experimenting with female avatars and people referring to me as she/her. The euphoria I felt that day was immense but so was the dysphoria boiling to the surface after taking off the headset and seeing my male self in the mirror.
I'm definitely a part of group 2, I am amab and I am currently in my mid 30's and growing up through my childhood and teen years I had no real conscious signs that I was not what I was, but going through my adult life I had discovered a few things about myself, one was that for some reason I hated my body (I still can't really look at myself in the mirror unless I focus on a specific spot), and another that I have had on my mind for the last few years is I might be trans (or at least gender non-conforming), about 10 years ago a friend lent me a book where the MC was put in a position where they had to live life as a girl, and reading that I found I started wishing that was me, and I found myself gravitating to stories like that more than before, and then a few years ago someone had left some woman's clothes in my apartment's main lobby, and in a spur-of-the-moment I took the lot, I had no idea as to why I did that, but I did, so I went through them and found some that looked like they would fit, and I tried them on, and for some reason it felt "right", it wasn't a pleasure thing, it felt good in a way that it felt normal, so for a few years I continued crossdressing, and doing research, then I discovered that normal people don't even consider what it would be like to be the opposite gender, and that some thoughts I have had are beyond what a crossdresser thinks about, so I have been asking myself if I am a Crossdresser, Gender Non-Conforming or am I actually Trans, all I know for sure is my personality is not exactly feminine and I have no issue with that and I don't "Hate" what I was born with below the belt, but I do wish I was born female!
Also I have been watching your videos to help me understand my thoughts better, and they have helped!
Also, sorry for the long post!
Dr. Z, you pegged me 100%. I'm in category 1. In my 20s I tried to do a lot of hero jobs and ended up joining the Navy. The entire time, I was completely out of my comfort zone and generally an outcast. After I was discharged, I ended up in a pink collar industry, libraries. Through my 30s, I became happier and happier to the point I knew transition was a must. Whenever I feel overwhelmed, fearful, or full of self doubt, I think about being old and looking back at the life I would lead as one gender or another. As a man, my life feels hollow, a shadow of what it could be, and kind of sad and full of regret on the happiness I didn't have. Thinking of the woman version of me, I see someone fulfilled, happy, connected, and without regret. That realization always sets me straight in my low moments. So here I am, in my late 30s transitioning and happier then ever.
Thanks for sharing.
Definitely in camp 2. Not a thought I can recall before exploding into my head at 64. It has taken me nearly 4 yours to have accepted myself as transgender. I certainly tried every rationalization and excuse I could muster. However, with the help of a gender therapist I was able to come to terms with myself and in the process have made some very positive changes in my self esteem and loving myself as a person. I am in the process of determining if I 'need' to transition. The idea intrigues me but so far I have found simple coping techniques for dysphoria. An example, my facial hair triggers me to the point I shave with me eyes closed. I find that brushing my hair for 60 seconds helps me back into a good place. I am concerned about health effects and impact on my close relationships of transitioning. Finding a reasonably priced therapist who does remote sessions has been a life changer.
Glad to hear you are working on it!
I consider myself to be sort of a mixture of these groups. I always was aware of the fact that I'd rather be a boy. But it was given and I accepted that it's because of the lack of gender equality. I went through my life with a help of quite a radical feminism and I survived. Until I started to see, that being a feminist doesn't mean the same for my feminist friends - they actually did like to be women. I didn't and it came to me in very very sudden realization in my 39, that what I have is completely different problem. And I blame gender inequality for making this not accesible for me! If women had the same opportunities in life and everything, it would be clear sooner I think, why I just hate to be a woman. Even after I gained everything I could (education, job, money, car, traveling time,..), just with my own effort, I still hated to be a woman. Then I overcompensated by having three kids and trying to be the best mother on earth, just to fall into biggest depression and burnout.
So, when I came to terms, I hesitated just a little, as everything made sense suddenly.
I had these worries of making a mistake for about 2 years, but by now I'm quite sure - I have nothing to lose in a sense of my mental health, integrity and authenticity. Because one thing I'm sure about is, I was everything but authentic before this. Let's just try, if this will be better. If not, I'm sure it couldn't ve worse.
Thank you, as always, for being so accurate and helpful :)
Yes that’s another thing, thanks for pointing out, the two can overlap.
I relate a lot to this, I have a very similar experience. Thanks for sharing ❤
I mean, I feel like I have jumped between group 1 and 2 a few times. I did the army thing (still reserves!) to be more of a man and there were times I suddenly recognized even at an early age what I felt and then I straight up fought it so hard and lied to myself I literally forgot about it and put myself in group 2. So that is what hits me is that if it was something I could literally forget about, was I lying to myself then, or am I lying now? I literally don't trust my own feelings and thoughts anymore so it is hard to know if I am really trans enough.
Yes the groups can also overlap.
I'm both Group 1 and Group 2. I experienced gender dysphoria as a child; as a teenager; and as a young adult in 2001, I tried to DIY medical transition but this was discovered by my mother and it was such a painful confrontation that the process was halted and the feelings were effectively repressed. They were repressed in the sense that even though I've spent the last 20 odd years with some awareness that I suffered gender dysphoria, I was in denial about the profound impacts this had upon my quality of life. I was in a world of rationalisations where I told myself that it doesn't matter how you feel on the inside; that everyone might feel like that but they're able to just get over it; that if I ever did transition then I wouldn't know whether it fixes the incongruency (what if the woman I one day see is still not the woman I feel inside) etc etc.
A few months back, I started to feel waves of overwhelming grief and shame about my life in the early 00s. At first, I was paying very little attention to the elephant in the room. But I forced myself to write to myself about those times so that I could better understand why they were on my mind. It took me about six weeks of drafting a letter of 23K+ words before there was nothing to say except: I am transgender. When I started feeling upset, and when I was so upset that I felt that I had to write my way out, the gender dysphoria was not at all on my mind. My ego had insisted it was trivial, reproducing the manner in which a parent might trivialise their child's gender dysphoria.
While I can see that I was most recently suffering from repressed gender dysphoria, as per the second group, my life experiences as a whole seem to put me in the first category.
There is no doubt in my mind or my heart that I am transgender. Those doubts left decades ago. What I've let go is the fear and the denial. It makes room for the love and acceptance.
This video made me cry (in a good way). I think I'm part of the second group. I'm 36 and am constantly going back and forth with questions like the ones you address here. TYSM for this video
I'm in my early 40's and have just started coming to terms with feelings of dysphoria. Everything you said felt like you were talking directly to me. Stern looks and correcting feminine behavior from my parents as a child. Joining the military as a way of over correcting. Feeling a sudden 'moment of clarity' where the pieces seemed to align. Feeling that really want to transition, but terrified of not being able to pass or burning my life to the ground if I do. Thank you, I have a lot to think about.
Wish you all the best.
I am in group 2, and am early into my transition. I just want to say thank you for the videos you make. They are really helping me in a strange time in my life.
Glad to hear they are helpful.
Dr. Z, you always hit the nail on the head! I love your realness!
Thank you.
I think for me it was my dad telling me to man up and not to be emotional that made it harder to realise why I felt so weird and different. It took until I was 17 to realise it was my gender dysphoria and now I feel worse because I know what I need to do to be happy but it feels so out of reach.
Group 1 around age 5-6 I clearly recall was when it really started affecting me, today I am 34 and have started my transition journey openly 7 months ago, also it was the 3rd time in my life I went through actually really wanted and felt ready to transition, but this time I followed my feelings and put my self first, I didn’t fight it for once and embraced it and it’s been the happiest and best decision I’ve ever made.
"Ages 30+ don't just wake up wanting to be trans" this is not the first time you say something like this, it brings me both comfort and strength, during the rough days I tell myself "Think about what Dr Z talked about". The days that I question my feelings are getting further apart and you have helped me alot with this, thank you 😊
Ask your peers in your age group if they ever want to be other gender. Not wondering what it would be like, but actually being and experiencing distress from that thought.
@@DRZPHD I actually did a couple of weeks ago after telling a friend, I could tell it was the first time she considered it and she got really uncomfortable and moved the focus back to me very quickly 😊
Group two . Thankyou again for your affirming and understandable explanation of this . I am now at a point of being totally comfortable in my skin now days. I am so grateful for your time and presence here and have forwarded your channel to quite a few early and more established trans folk . All are grateful . Hugs ( if wanted or needed ) and much unconditional love from us all . 💜❤️💜🐾💃🌈🐕☮️
Thanks for sharing and I wish you all the best.
When I was in my early 20's I thought maybe I was gay so I gave it a try and quickly discovered that I am not into men. I didn't know what I was feeling was gender dysphoria until I was 27 years old. Now 22 years later I'm still coping and haven't transitioned. Who knows what the future holds for me. I'll probably continue to walk the line between genders in a non binary way instead of full feminine trans woman. But never say never.
True, better to do something than nothing at all.
waos, i really felt you were talking directly to me on the second group lol, cannot belive it, i was wondering just that, and now i feel more confident about the decition im going to take, i soon gonna begin on HRT!! thanks Dr ZPHD
Group 2: I had deep repression from a young age. From very early on age 6ish I felt drawn towards feminine things, but the society and my parents never allowed any exploration of gender. The concept of even being trans didnt even really exist, anything on TV or any person in public that didnt follow gender norms was ridiculed. Anytime I would see something feminine and feel drawn to it, I would vigorously reject it and force my mind to think about something else. Then in puberty I started to feel attraction towards women and I was told by the internet and society that women are attracted to manly men, so as puberty changes occured I welcomed them as they theoretically made me more attractive, and I suppressed anything feminine within me to achieve this goal of getting the girls or whatever. But nothing is more unattractive than a person who isnt comfortable in their own skin and who is inauthentic. I feel like I never smiled authentically, I definitely never liked the clothes I wore. Looking at my hairy body made me uncomfortable, but I supressed it and even refused to ever shave my legs. And then now in my mid twenties it hit me like a truck. I was always politically left so when the trans political issues came up I suddenly found myself vigorously researching it at first so I could win arguments against transphobic people and spread awareness, but then I realized that I was maybe a bit too passionate about it, I found the memes and experiences a bit too relatable. I realized that for a very long time there were whispers in the back of my mind that would ask me if I was woman, and that if offered that press of a button, I would certainly press it... but I was still cis though... until one day I shaved my beard and looked in the mirror and asked if I could be a woman, I stared in the mirror and then for a single second I saw something feminine in my face and in that moment a veil lifted over my whole life. All the pain and the suffering that came from nowhere and was permanently suffocating me was lifted, it all made sense, it was so clear where it was coming from. I felt a massive release of euphoria, I felt a real smile swell on my face. That was when I knew that I was trans. I still sometimes doubt though because I never had those super clear and obvious feelings people talk about in childhood and adolescence. So thank you for the video. Thank you for makinf me feel like my experiences are valid.
I feel like I resonate with elements of both group one and group two, and I feel like this video is speaking directly to me, personally. I relate to group one because I've been struggling to prove to myself that I'm not really trans for basically my whole life, and I've been fighting through that conflict for decades, and, in the end, that struggle has eventually culminated in my inevitable acceptance and a much realer knowing. However, I also relate to group two because suppressing my transhood was a big part OF that conscious effort that I struggled through as part of group one, and the question of "what if I transition only to realize that I'm not really trans after all and I've made a horrible mistake" has been a HUGE motivating factor behind that suppression. And, if I'm perfectly honest, I STILL struggle with that question even now, at age 35, in the beginning steps of manifesting my transition, DESPITE the fact that I KNOW I'm trans and can't really deny it anymore. I keep trying to remind myself that, "on the other side of fear is freedom." That helps me a lot.
I'd also like to share a little theory of mine, if you'll be so kind as to indulge me. I think that maybe the biggest factor as to why trans people who are aged 30 and up struggle so hard with this question isn't really related to our age, per se-like it's not BECAUSE we're 30 and up-but rather a consequence of the cultural attitudes of the era in which we were raised that have embedded themselves into our collective generational psyche. I expect that, when gen Z becomes our age, we'll probably still see some trans people in their 30s struggling with this question, but a substantially smaller amount OF them than we millennials today, and they'll probably have more social support than we have today, because that cultural stigma, while still present, wasn't nearly as pervasive in their upbringings as it was in ours. And I think that it's very likely that the amount of gen X-ers who are struggling with this issue, and who are STILL suppressing and denying themselves out of a culturally-induced sense of necessity, and who are suppressing themselves SO hard as to still be completely invisible and never telling ANYONE about it EVER, probably total an even higher amount than millennials, for similar cultural reasons, only amplified even stronger.
As millennials, we were ALWAYS raised with the fear of making mistakes being drilled into us constantly, from every direction in society that possessed any degree of authority whatsoever, but especially from our parents and our teachers. Those of us who even were fortunate enough to have trans existence acknowledged AT ALL were exposed to all of the ferocious gatekeeping (still a problem, but admittedly not half as bad as it was twenty years ago in many parts of the western world), which was presented as a GOOD thing that was in our best interest, with this extremely powerful emphasis on "we have to make DAMN sure that you're not making a mistake before you can be allowed to do this," (as though it's even any of their damn business to begin with what mistakes we make or don't make with our lives; as though they're responsible for our responsibility of self) enforcing this idea that, for a VAST majority of people who transition, it DOES turn out to be a mistake. After all, why else would there be such a need for all the hullaballoo? Though, of course, modern research has shown that that couldn't be further from the truth, with our
Hi and thanks for sharing. YEs! When I divide people in age groups its not for the sake of age but to highlight that those who are older grew up in a different cultural/historical context.
I'm 24, but I definitely fall into group 2. My mum would shame me for not being "girly enough" and wearing "unflattering" clothes, because they were a men's fit. I always thought that it wasn't a possibility for myself. When I first had the thought "what if I'm trans", it scared me so much that I pushed it away. But it kept coming back and I eventually gave in. I have socially transitioned, but too scared to make anything official. I'm so worries I'm lying and making a mistake that it makes me want to give up and go back to who I was, even though I always felt like something was wrong then. I could never feel comfortable identifying as a girl. It always felt wrong, but I always believed that there was no alternative for me
Thank you for sharing. Gender is very complex so allow yourself time to explore your feelings. Wish you all the best.
I think part of it has to do with the fact that as my body has gotten older it has gotten softer and more curvaceous and my curves have always caused me some dysphoria that's why I've always felt better when I'm at a lower weight because my chest and hips are smaller and since I've started taking tea I've been slimming down in those areas and that's been really helpful
Thanks for sharing.
I'm in my 30s and yup, my concerns are mostly about how other people will treat me. When I sit with myself, and considering only myself, I know the answer. Thanks for the wonderful video!
Group 2 - repressed due to society, upbringing, time and place, did everything to avoid it - finally could not take it any more and stopped lying to myself in my 60's.
Good for you.
Solidly group 2. I'm 40 now, and I've spent the last two years working on the depression and anxiety I've been dealing with since I was 16. I think gender dysphoria has always been the root cause of my depression and anxiety (and substance abuse, and social anxiety), I just didn't see it until recently because I have been repressing it for forever. I always just assumed that the constant state of dread was just...normal. I grew up in a conservative home, in conservative places, and we moved around a lot so I never built support systems that I could rely on. I heavily internalized the homophobia and transphobia as a defense mechanism because I don't think I would have survived otherwise. Once the dysphoria box was opened, I can't stop thinking about gender my identity and gender presentation. Your thoughts that people secure in their gender identity don't spend every waking moment thinking about gender, or that adults don't just wake up and decide to be trans, make me feel more confident that I'm not just making all of this up.
I'm in group 1. I always had a sense being the wrong gender and often wished that I had been born a girl. Everything about being a girl seemed so much better than being a boy. I just didn't know anything could be done about it back then so I just tried to deal with it as best as I could. I hoped that one day I would feel comfortable being a man, so I even joined the military to learn how to be one. Spoiler alert: It didn't work.
Once I accepted the fact that there was nothing that I could do that would ever make me comfortable being a man, I decided to transition. Since making the decision to transition, I never once doubted for my decision or questioned if I am actually trans. I spent a lifetime trying to be a man and it didn't work, so I knew that transitioning was my only option. It was also confirmed when all my anxieties and my depression vanished into thin air after starting HRT and feeling the effects of Estrogen.
I thought that I was a unique person with a unique life experience, but after watching a few of these videos I now realize that I am just a walking stereotype.
Group 2 definitely describes me, though Im in my late 20s not 30s. I did experience what I now believe is dysphoria growing up but at the time I didn't know what the feelings were or what was causing it. Though I am pretty certain about the fact I'm trans, I continuously doubt myself because its taken me long to realise it and wonder if Im just convincing myself. Doesnt help that my mother also doubted it too because I wasn't super obvious about feeling that I was a boy growing up, despite me feeling that way subconsciously.
Thanks for sharing. Yeah when parents are unaware that adds to it.
group 2 - I’ve been on HRT for 3 years and I love it but it was so scary for me at first. I was constantly questioning myself. I rarely do now, but sometimes things will come up that make me anxious about it. I am also more nonbinary than a binary trans man so sometimes that makes me confused. I sometimes worry that I miss how my voice used to sound before or that one day I will miss my old body. But I hate it when people misgender me because of my voice and I love my body the way it is now lol. We are also conditioned to be fearful especially with the way the media is talking about trans people these days. Thank you for your videos ❤️
Thank you for sharing.
My onset was around 3-4yo and it was constantly on my mind. I was given social cues from my family and through church that they thought people like me are sinful abominations. Also my older brother would constantly make fun of me expressing myself. So I tried to be a man but the people around me knew I was different but I still had to put on the charade to avoid ridicule even though the ridicule was unavoidable because I’d do or say something that would let cat out of the bag. But now as a 34yo I completely regret not transitioning earlier. I remember telling myself at the age of 12 that once I turn 18 I was going to transition but as I got older I became scared to face the social repercussions like being disowned, and causing family and friends shame for knowing me.
So sorry to hear about your past environment. Glad to hear you are aware of who you are now.
Group 1 almost 100% from age 4-5. Puberty was tough but I discovered all manner of distractions (drugs, alcohol, anger,violence,depression, suicidal ideation, art,movies, books, music, pornography (sex/masturbation) marriage, children and family. With no time for thinking and a life with no mental space for freedom or privacy I ‘managed’ to survive until my mid 40’s until despite all the noise I was making dysphoria hit me like a freight train. “HELLO! I’m STILL HERE and you CANNOT IGNORE ME! I’m still working through all the mental mess I’ve ignored and created (so I do feel somewhat Group 2 as well) but after coming out to family and friends and now 1 year into HRT I’ve never been so at peace with myself, even with ALL the cultural uproar and division surrounding TRANS. identity and ideology.
As always, thank you Dr.Z for all your help.
Thanks for sharing.
I was in the 1.5 camp. I did NOT realize i was transgender. I didn't know the word, I had the wrong definition for the word. Etc. Etc.
I did crossdress with my spouse's help (!) I had no pressure to be "manly". I kept doing things that were things that some CIS men would do. However, I doubt no cisman would do ALL the things I did.
Here is a partial list:
* laser away my beard (I was tired of shaving and my wife didn't want me to have a beard. Oh special price if you did 3 areas ? fine how about the armpits and groin as well)
* mens jeans are baggy on my body. (my wife agreed, we both liked womens jeans fitting my body better)
* wearing panties (wife introduced this as a lark - no she didn't have an agenda)
* trying makeup (my face looked splotchy - ironically i hardly ever wear makeup now)
* growing hair long (never tried it before - why not)
* wearing 11 toe rings
* having a secret contest of how many mens clothing articles I could replace with womens clothing and still being ided as male.)
* wearing nail polish (to overcome shyness - In all fairness, it did cure my shyness - I knew that people were looking at me)
* "pretending" to be transgender on grindr.This all ended less than 2 years ago. In the last 14 months, I :* went to a gender therapist,* picked a name,* came out at work,* went on HRT,* changed ids ,* and had FFS.I was doing transition prep for years. When my conscious mind finally caught on I basically did everything all at once. I literally am having a hard time remembering being male.
Thank you for sharing.
One of the biggest things in my opinion is defintetly overcompensation within personal/work relationships. Going above and beyond to anyone no matter how they treat you just becayse you want to be a good person and feel good. iits hard but stay positive and know no matter what were all energy and we deserve the best things in life, not pain and hurt.
Yes very very common.
Part of me is like "wow, this is so revelatory!" and another part of me is like "why does she keep reminding me I'm now an 'older' adult, I'm ONLY 35" 😫😵😂
Thank you for the amazing videos! Stumbled on this channel yesterday and it's so informative ❤️
I think there are a lot of different reasons people might have doubts. I think I'd fall primarily into in group 2, mostly because "transgender" or "gender dysphoria" were unknown to me until I was 52yo (very sad, but its my truth). A psychologist made the discovery for me and I've subsequently seen another psychologist who has confirmed that I am "clinically transgender". Despite having this evidence, I think it was my fear of the consequences of being transgender (I new that I would want to live authentically) that lead me down a path of trying to find something in my life that didn't support my being transgender. I haven't been able to find anything and have started transitioning now - and the night versus day (existence versus living) difference in my life makes me absolutely sure that I am (have always been and always will be) transgender. That said, I am Whitney - transgender is just a label that is relevant.
I'm a solid group 2. I was confused and sad for so many years, not knowing why. Searching high and low for the answer. When i finally figured it out i went into serious denial and stayed there for way to long, using the denial as a shield, acting as masculine as i knew how thinking that will make it all go away. 30 years later i'm finally out and living my happiest life. Still i have moments of doubt but knowing what makes me happy and that i will never go back to what once was. Still waiting for the treatment, HRT and all, to begin but feeling a newfound inner peace, and that peace is what tells me i'm on the right track whenever doubt comes around for a visit.
For me, I would say group 2.
I know for a fact I haven’t been thinking about it growing up and it wasn’t until relatively recently that these thoughts came to the forefront of my mind.
I think the reason why I repressed it in the first place has to do with being bullied in school so I unconsciously did everything to not give people another reason to bully.
Obviously that didn’t work as bullies usually just find something else to do or say, regardless of how much you try.
I think my good ability to visualise made me flee into reading to deal with it, as I, born male, practically only can read novels with a female protagonist, to insert myself in their position and sort of live through them the life I have not been able to do in the real world.
Obviously doesn’t get rid of the dysphoria but it helps temporarily when I forget about reality.
Thank you for sharing.
Back when I was experiencing puberty, I didn't understand why I was disgusted by a puberty book I was given... It all makes sense after I realized I was trans in my late 20s/early 30s
Amazing how things start lining up when we look back.
@@DRZPHD Right?
I really needed this video. I'm in group 2 and it's just as much second-guessing myself as it is not wanting to be trans. I don't want to be trans. Life in the South (TM) is SO MUCH more terrifying than it already was . . .
I'm right in the line between both camp to be honest, my egg broke when I was 25 a 100% but then I repressed it so bad I felt back into camp 2, now I've started my transition at 31 and feels doubts but this video really helped. I believe this is mostly fears that needs to be overcome.
Affirming steps are best for busting fears.
Truly meaningful video for me. Hit the nail on the head.... I'm trans. I will move forward to further discover who I am.
Definitely group 2. I experimented briefly with gender starting at like 10-11, but it wasn’t until 15 that I started getting what I now realize was dysphoria. I knew that would never be ok with my family and they made comments all the time as I became more and more masculine. But I always just thought I was a masc lesbian. It wasn’t until I developed an ED and got treatment for that in this past year that I really started questioning my gender and realized I have gender dysphoria. I used they for a year and now it’s been about 1 week using a new name and two people use he/him for me. It’s so scary and completely and utterly overwhelming, but if a name and a binder can make me start to feel comfortable in a body I wanted to destroy a couple months ago, I have to wonder if transition is right for me. I’m super excited to start t this month . Originally I was going to microdose bc I was identifying as NB, but now I want to try a full dose. I’m terrified but I really wonder if this could bring me peace with a body I grew to hate and help with this general sense of discomfort I’ve had, and specifically the dysphoria.
I'm in group two... Grew up in a Christian cult and extremely controlling family. I'm 29... And currently figuring this all out
I'm a long way through my transition now but hearing everyone's accounts of gender dysphoria and when they noticed it and when it became a problem is absolutely what I've been through. I'm watching these videos now 12 years down the line and having some epiphanies.
I've been waiting for all this time to have discovered resources like Dr Z thank you for sharing your knowledge.
Glad to be of any help
I'm definitely part of group 2, but looking back there were times when I knew I was trans and I simply didn't have a word for it. I was a tomboy growing up, and that was my understanding of who I was for a long time. My mom constantly talked about how I needed to be more ladylike and learn things like cooking so I could provide for my husband one day. I think growing up with a "traditional" mother really pushed me into group 2. I'm 30 and I've come out as trans twice in the last 5 years, and I've taken it back both times. I'm so scared that I'm not 100% trans, and that my life will be ruined if I make the wrong choice.
Camp 1, and you're spot on about the fears.
In hindsight, I know that I was gender noncongruent all my life. Always played with the girls as a kid, for instance. I had to become 30 to finally realize that yes, I am trans, and as old as 46 to start HRT. I am 48 now.
If you had asked me before HRT if I experience dysphoria, I would have said no. But do you know the feeling when a loud noise that has been there all the time, that you didn't even consciously hear anymore, suddely goes away? The relief you feel? That is how I feel about dysphoria now. It was there all the time, and I only noticed when it started to go away.
But I had (and still have!) so much to lose. I still play a man at work, I could lose a job that secures not just my existence, but also that of my family. Will my kids be bullied at school if their dad is suddelny their mom? What about the professional reputation that I built under a wrong name?
But yeah, when I finally pushed the button to start HRT, there wasn't a shadow of a doubt on my mind whether I was trans.
I spent so long in my life trying to be a man, and being miserable doing it. I finally achieved true happiness of self when I accepted myself as the woman I am today.
Thanks for sharing.
I’m a mixture of both types. I feel like I’ve known since a very young age that something was “wrong” with me but I hid it so much, I put it all the way at the bottom of my mind that I kinda “forgot I was even there for some time. I even mocked myself for thinking I could possibly be transgender, but something triggered my disphoria and it’s come back so strong and hurtful… I’m still doubting myself, I sometimes think I’m not trans, because I see myself as my gender assigned at birth and I think life would be so much easier, because my family and friends tell me I’m so attractive as I am, and I have so many fears and questions, I don’t know what to do, sometimes I really wish somebody could tell me if I’m trans or not and make me realize all the signs. And if I wish it could all go away and be happy with who I am, be at peace with myself. (Sorry, English is not my first language)
Mmm... the advice to see a gender therapist is commonly repeated, but can often be difficult to access. I had the luck of having an insurance that would pay it for me and found a gender therapist I had heard great things about, but she ended up being awful about it - essentially yelled at me for doubting myself, didn't take my concerns seriously and treated me like I was stupid.
After that experience I'm a lot less willing to go to the effort of finding someone new, nagging my GP to refer me for insurance reasons, and making myself vulnerable to a stranger again. That being said, over time I'm feeling less and less like I need to justify my feelings to a professional. At what stage do you just have to go "hey, I'm feeling relatively confident about this, why not just go for it?"...
Sorry to hear about your experience and I'll be first to point out there are some shitty therapists out there. I don't think one needs a therapist at all to solidify their gender or to start transition unless they are unsure, have questions, fears, or doubts they want additional support to work through. There is also a huge shortage of gender specialists, which is one reason I put out free content. Wishing you all the best and please dont feel the need to justify your identity to any medical professional.
I definitely knew i was trans. Being in my early 60s i still felt the need to to transition. I have had doubts at times . I'm glad I had a professional gender specialist and on the journey of transformation . I'm glad I made this decision and feel I made the correct decision. Thanks for this forum, you are very informative. ❤ the haircut and glasses. Thank you again.
Glad the content is helpful. Haircut and glasses are my signature style :)
I'm in camp 2 and I was well past my 30's when I figured out I'm trans. I always knew something was off. I was so awkward in my teenage years. At one point I literally hated myself. I tried to commit suicide twice, once in my teen years and once in my early 20's. I eventually made an uneasy peace with myself. But I never felt confident or completely right. That all changed once my egg cracked. I haven't started on HRT yet but I plan to. I just know that for the first time in my life I am happy in my skin. Just knowing who you really are makes such a difference in my life. I do get doubts from time to time that I'm really trans but I know deep down that I really am. Thank you so much for these wonderful videos!
I am so sorry about your painful past. Glad you are here.
I'm unsure which group I fit into? I wasn't aware that I was supposed to be a girl from a young age, but I did want to be one much of the time. I received a stern response when I asked my Dad if I could become a girl if I prayed it would happen. I felt ashamed at maybe 7 when he scoffed at me and said "Why would you want to be a girl?" In a disgusted way. I always felt like I didn't fit in with the boys, but I also felt out-casted by the girls and desperately desired to be one of them. I had lots of imaginary sisters and female friends that I spoke to. Then at 21 I realized, after being put on anti anxiety meds that I wanted to be seen as a woman, and my mental health cleared up. It was my secret, but within the next 3 years I have come out about it all. I feared that the urethral stricture I experienced from 18 to 21, and all that trauma from attending uni with catheters in, and on top of that, blaming myself for it potentially being the result of prone masturbation that I'd learnt at 7, might've caused me to want to be the opposite sex as a defense mechanism. As I look into that more though I realize how little sense that makes. Actually I think the reason that urological period was so difficult was largely BECAUSE I had a repressed gender dysphoria that heightened my discomfort. I feel that had I been a cis male, I may have dealt with that time with more self-assurance and self compassion. I didn't have a sense of self to direct compassion towards, which is why I spent most of my childhood and adolescence seeing therapists and counselors even before that urological issue appeared. Whenever I have doubt an inner voice has to stop me and say calmly, "No more, YOU ARE TRANS".
I feel like I'm somewhat in between those two groups. I'm 30, and I distinctly remember moments in early childhood when I was upset about not being a boy. I took pride in the phrase "tomboy" from the moment someone applied it to me, and now I realize it's because it was a socially acceptable way for me to be a boy. I was allowed to express myself in any way I wanted, but I was also raised Catholic and was expected to fill the woman's role. I'm also the youngest of three, and my parents tried really hard to have their little girl. But I was such a "tomboy" that my mom has joked on several separate occasions that she had two sons, and then she had her boy. But because I was the only girl in the family, that made me feel special. So, I tried to lean into being a girl while still keeping my interests. I was comfortable being a girl for a while because I was still able to play in the woods and enjoy "boy things." But then puberty hit. I have *hated* my chest ever since I started having to wear training bras. I mean there were times in the shower when I had an overwhelming urge to take a knife and cut them off (then I realized I could just not look at them and pretend they weren't there while in the shower.) However, I also have severe sensory issues with clothing, especially bras (and now binders.) So I'm genuinely not sure how much of my hatred comes from my physical discomfort with my sensory issues and how much comes from my discomfort with my gender assigned at birth. So, I mostly fall in the second category. I am uncertain because I was fine with being a girl for a while, and I know the main factor of my hatred for my chest is the physical discomfort. However, the word "woman" has *never* felt right to me. For a long time I thought it was just because I didn't feel like an adult. But then one of my high school students who reminded me so much of myself at their age came out as a trans boy his junior year. I was such a sheltered little Catholic kid, that I didn't even really know anything about trans stuff until he came out, and I started doing some research to support him. I started watching trans men youtubers and slowly started to realize how much I related to them. So I came out as non-binary. Ever since then, I've been questioning if I'm really a man, and the more I tell myself that I'm definitely not and the more I keep asking myself, the more I wonder if I'm just trying to convince myself that I'm not. I do strongly identify with gender neutral terms, and I prefer Mx. to Mr. But when neutral terms aren't available or feel more awkward, I strongly prefer the masculine one. Like with ma'am vs sir. Or queen vs king. And there is a part of me that would really like to take testosterone and lower my voice and grow some facial hair, but in reality I think I would regret that because facial hair would cause sensory issues, and I don’t want to lose my singing voice.
Thank you for sharing and I wish you all at the best!
I relate to this so much 😭
Camp 2 here. Everything was so repressed until I was 30, so as you say, I'm continually reaffirming my identity. It makes sense that someone like me (stable, has friends, good job) wouldn't just wake up with dysphoria - which is true, I am just realizing all the ways it's manifested that I didn't notice before. But I've had a hard time feeling comfortable with that justification alone (even though self identification isn't something that needs proof). I've realized that making the choice to take hormones every day, and being happier and happier with the changes that transitioning has brought, is in and of itself all the evidence I need to know that this is right.
Yes, the small steps should feel affirming and also, looking back you should see some shred of dysphoric history.
Dr. Z, here is a clarification that makes sense to me. You say, People 30 and up just do not wake up and want to be trans. I would rather say people 30 and up who are not trans do not suddenly wake up wanting to be the other gender. In my own case, when I was around 40 I started cross dressing, MtoF, and quickly realized that I was experiencing something other then just wanting to dress as the opposite gender. Up to that point, I would say I was in Group 2. For different reasons that you have spoken about in other videos, after that time I consciously tried to ignore those feelings and live normally as a cis-male. For the next 25 years or so, I would say I fell into Group 1. I struggled with gender dysphoria, but went on living life thinking it was too difficult to do anything about it. Now, I am 68 years old and in transition having started HRT. Having been married for 19 years and being quite older, I now need to deal with all the complications of transitioning at a much older age. So, if there is really something interesting to add here, it is that a person can be in group 2 and at some point in their life find themselves in group 1. Only now that I know I am trans, even my therapist tells me so, do I look back on my life and see all the signs that I was in fact trans all along. And even deeply knowing that, I still ask myself, "Am I trans after all." I suppose I need to give myself more time😊.
Thank you for sharing.
I was startled one day when the thoughts came on so strongly. I question my gender weekly to the point that I thought I have Trans or Gender based OCD. Whether that is true or not the fact I have vivid memories of my dad saying things like "grow up, suck it up, be a man" and physical feelings that I never related to that macho manly style and instead have been a soft emotional being has led me to believe that I was never allowed to explore my feminine side.
But panic attacks when I even think of wearing womens clothes I find myself in this confusing and hard to navigate loop. That I dont really have a gender identity and am clinging to anything I can and not being compassionate with my exploration. It has been a struggle and any advice or insight would be greatly appreciated. I am in therapy for this but its a lot of back and forth, second guessing, and even more panic and terror when the womens clothes go on.
Hopefully one day I can be in a head space to explore these feelings and desires to wear womens clothes.
I'm about to turn 33 , I've had to supress my knowing that I'm transgender, my un happiness and depression of being male, and I learned at age 17 this about myself, it's really became to strong to ignore in my 20s, when I first came out was with a woman who I thaught was supposed to be open minded and loving, she beat me up after I told her. So for many years until recently I said that's it I'm going to embrace this %100 no matter what. And I actually have been. Having so much positivity and support. I have not begun the process of transition yet but I finally made my first appointment.
Thank you for sharing.
I came out at 71 when I outlived all of my friends. My catholic religion held me into my birth gender. The church has changed.
Thanks for sharing.
Definitely group 2. Looking back, there were signs that popped up at different times but due to lack of knowledge and language, I couldn’t really describe it. So I just kept it to myself.
Group 1 here. You nailed it with your explanation about wanting to fit in with friends. And definitely if a parent ever said anything. My Mom now says I never did anything feminine or showed any signs. Well no of course not. I became an expert at hiding it. I'm 45, just came out this year. Had some doubts and fear about how life and people would treat me. However I am 100% the woman I had always dreamed of being. I don't worry I will wake up and change my mind. 💜
Wishing you all the best.
i experienced intense gender dysphoria my whole life until the past year! i lived as a transgender child, teen, and adult. i think that my trans experience is still a big part of my identity and a big part of the way i currently experience my gender. i don’t REGRET transitioning at all, but im not the person i was in the past! its okay to figure out that maybe you’re not trans. i’m living life now as myself still, even after hormone therapy, and im happy. i WAS happy transitioning, and i am still happy now.
whatever path you go on, and however you change, you will still be you. you will still have options to explore the world and explore the kind of person you are! don’t die wondering! 🩷
Thank you for the vid Dr. Z! There are so many correct and relatable points here. It never goes away the older you get. I sometimes picture it being my last though before dying and I'm sure millions of transgender people repressed their feelings lived and died in that same way. I also joined the military, but here I am still watching every single one of these videos and waiting for something big to happen. Also yes I'm so beyond the question "but what if I'm not trans" I'm 31 y/o btw
The proof is in the pudding! Take small steps. If affirmed, keep moving.
Group 2. 50's AMAB. This video hit hard, thank you. I'm still fighting it for all the obvious reasons but fundamentally I don't trust my own feelings. An adult life of variable depression. Always searching for a reason. I've grown so much awareness in the last few months but I'm still rejecting it. I'm seeing a counsellor and journaling and I'll continue taking small steps. Scary and seems ridiculous and that I'm grasping at yet another straw for an answer. Thanks for the videos!
an interesting conflict is at work here in your categorization of the two groups. group 1 folks, who have been dealing with this since pre-puberty, have that "gender incongruity" as you describe it, but early on know that it is a true, genuine feeling within themselves.
Group 2 people, coming to their supposed gender dysphoria in later life, may always question their thoughts and often consider themselves to be "wrong" somehow. Hence the doubt.
Group 1 folks however, after years of dealing with it and testing themselves and considering every possible option and result, will never consider their feelings to be wrong, just inevitable (and possibly inconvenient), inescapable and necessary. There is no guilt in a decision made in their decision.
Thanks for sharing.
Group 1. I knew that i was a girl since i was 4 years old but i never said anything. Even when my mother asked me if i wanted to be a girl i denied in panic to have been cought by surprise. Same with two more people asking me later. It only got way worse during puperty. With 22 i started living completely as a woman for 1,5 years, yet i always felt strong inhibitions and shame to really show my female side, i only did when i was alone. From negative reactions i started believing that i can not be trans because others just seem to be doing it without trouble. Now i am 33 and married for 4 years and i just realised that i have to do something a few month ago but with every social complication i start to doupt on myself again. Anyways i just found a good psychiatrist and now i just try to follow the flow. Your videos are really helpful, i could get a much better understanding of how our mind works and that some signs that seem to be saying "You are not trans" might actually be just fears or anxiety. I am trying hard to convince myself to be trans to not loose more time, yet however, for some reason all my insights dont keep convincing me all day long even though it seems so logical. It just needs "a stern look" indeed and everything falls apart. Here we go again, stop thinking and follow the flow.
Thank you for sharing and I wish you all the best.
I am in group 2 girlfriend. I started dressing like a woman outside of cosplaying in 2022. Since then I've improved my look and have fallen in love with the new woman me. So while I had no interest in being a woman full time both with cosplaying and not cosplaying all my life. Things have changed since 2022. I've been dressing as a woman full time since near the end of the year in 2022. I get feelings and thoughts with my reflection. How I look and how I feel. The support and comments from running errands, from family, from online friends and from local friends make me more happy. So in my defense 1 day I wore women's clothing and footwear. That started my journey. Then achieving near hairless face and body of a woman. Achieving a women's flat bikini area. Achieving woman's long hair. Achieving woman's small thin archy eyebrows. Achieving women's long painted round shaped fingernails. Achieving woman's painted round shaped toe nails. Achieving woman's realistic boobs. A lot of these were real while some were not but looked and felt real. All these added to what I loved having and loved in general since 2022. Especially in 2023. This is the year that I truly have been reborn as a woman. So unlike a lot of people. I had no Gender Dysphoria when I was younger. But since 2022...especially since 2023 I have it with how I feel, what I feel and what I see. Everyone that knows me sees I am more happy as a woman now a days. So to be truly happy again. I must finish my transition.
Thanks for sharing.
I've been watching some videos by people who have detransitioned, and who complained that nobody questioned them enough about what their problems really were.
How do you distinguish between someone who might be experiencing problems that won't be helped by a gender transition from those who would be helped?
Hi. Excellent question. For me working with adults many factors go in including: duration of Dysphoria, their age, history, etc. I do not believe trans equal one must transition and think first and foremost one must confirm Dysphoria is stemming from gender root issue vs other factors.