Relationships change as we change. There's a great cartoon I saw recently of a caterpillar and a butterfly having drinks together. The caterpillar says "You've changed," and the butterfly replies "We're supposed to." I think that sums it all up nicely.
There's another category one should get rid of- 'unfair weather friends'. These are the sort who would pretend to be there for you and support you during your rough times, while covertly rejoicing in the fact that you're 'stuck' in a bad phase. These are the friends who would retreat into a shell or ignore/dismiss you when you share any sort of good news in your life. Your happiness makes them insecure and bitter. So yeah, get rid of those that are there only during the happy times AND those who only support you during your sad times but covertly put you down when you make progress. A healthy friendship involves genuine reciprocity during the good times and the bad times. I've recently cut off 2 of these envious female friends of mine and am better off for it.
@@jayjaytailor Hi..yes I'm aware of 'Schadenfreude' and its connection with covert narcissists. I just wrote 'unfair weather friends' because these insecure folks are willing to stick it out with you when the weather isn't quite good yet when the weather turns fair for you, they are nowhere to be seen.
In playing it all back, i have begun to realize it has been literally years since she asked me, how are you, or listened, or acknowledged a present, or made it about me even ever.
Being a minimalist and living a frugal life, cleaning up on the friendship end of the spectrum is working at a gradual process. It's not easy but given these certain aren't reaching back to me asking the why's, answers I've doing the right thing. I'd like to add that Social Media is affecting people's choices for communication and attention. Find friends seem to have time for reading, posting on FB yet are denying real life.
I have a friend who's all about how many friends she has... I'm over it and I'm moving on... 12 years of friendship doesn't mean much too her but I'm over it... I know my worth.
Right now I'm experiencing the same friendship as you, Vivian. I feel extremely emotionally exhausted because it is one-sided. It's always been like that for the past 10 years and I feel like I can't stick around anymore. Thanks for this video!! It helps a lot.
After I finished a very toxic relationsship, I realized that one of my best highschool friend is not so positive towards me. And I tracked it back in my mind, yes there was a pattern over all this years: nasty comments, belittling my successes and achievements, blaming me for the upsets and hardships of life like bad relationships, divorce etc. I then distanced myself, it was never uplifting anyway. I always left feeling worse after meeting her. And realized then , this is not a real friend. I guess also there was envy on her side involved.
Watch those frenemies.....they tend to say one thing and their actions are out of whack... I don't listen to words anymore I go by actions of that person's it speaks volumes...about them
Vivian, Thank you for your video! I'm going to let go of 2 high school friends who have recently have been treating me as the outcast, teasing, the butt of jokes. We went on a girls trip to Seattle and it was not fun at all. I had anxiety the whole time. I questioned myself, "Have they always been this way?" I'm done being a doormat
I met someone at Church & we've been hanging out for almost every week for 2 months but sadly she's leaving in 6 months. But she honestly showed me what truly friendship is about. I love hanging out with her & our relationship is not superficial, it's deep & meaningful. I feel like I've known her for so long. I've never been this happy!
Hello Vivian.......thanks so much for this. I wish l listened to you 7years ago. I wanted almost 1years of my life with a jealous and selfish assumed friend. I tried leaving on numerous occasions but l was afraid of loneliness because l dont keep much friends in my life. Nothing l do for her satisfies her. I wasted my time and money trying to make her happy at my own detriment. I left on several occasions and crawled back to her despite the fact l did nothing wrong. She never says *I am sorry* She remembers me only when she needs something from me and never cares Last straw for me was June 2020. I decided to leave her. As painful as it is l summoned courage and left. My sister was so happy for me cos she never liked our friendship. About 2weeks agoshe called me saying l dont check on her again l told her l am done. I feel lonely but l know life gets better. I hope l find a good friend because l dont want to be lonely Thanks once again. Listening to you is soothing From Nigeria
I also think you can let friendships GO for a reason, a season or a lifetime too. Sometimes we just need to let go for a while. Sometimes those relationships can come back again, further down the track, if we let go of unrealistic expectations. We grow apart, we come together....we grow apart, we come together, as we journey on our own personal paths....you know, like that saying...Before enlightenment, chopping wood, carrying water..after enlightenment, chopping wood, carrying water!.....lol.. Thank you Vivian....your warmth & wisdom are palpable even from the computer screen...like a kind, genuine friend, that I haven't met yet, but seem to have known a long time. Loving hearts are like that. Ho'oponopono. xo
A very insightful comment. I've definitely found that some relationships come around again in a new season, even if we didn't align with each other for a while. It's important to go where you feel you're being led (and is healthy) , whether that's away from the friendship or possibly back into it at a later date.
Wow. Wish you were my mum. Thank you, such wise words which I already knew but love to hear someone validate what I believe occasionally. Bless you for sharing with the younger generations. We need strong women role models like you ❤
Very, very timely since ... I ... (reluctantly) need to release an angel who pivoted my perspective to look upon the reality of myself. I'll never be able to thank them enough from my heart.
Absolutely.... Alot of friends are users or they want your sympathy all the time.... I find alot of people now are so self absorbed and social media has played a huge amount in this...it's wrecked alot of friendships. Yes exactly, I now only have 2 true good friends in my life, the rest are not!
I have fought to survive after a physically abusive relationship, I’ve lost friends now throughout my healing. It has been a hard slog for 2 years to return to myself and I don’t take that for granted. I’ve realised that I don’t need anyone to understand what I’ve been through or how i choose to live a simple stress free happy life now. I cut all toxicity out of my life and by doing so I guess I’ve become boring to most of my old me friends, but what matters is I’m safe, I’m happy and I’m free x
It's hurting so much because one of my core beliefs is that I'm here to help people. I feel like she doesnt respect me, that she doesnt love me. I also think she doesn't respect or love herself so how could I expect anything more? What if I'm a narcissist? I don't suspect I am because if I was this wouldn't torment me so much. All the reasons I can think to continue this friendship is for her sake. I pushed people away because they crossed my boundaries, because they were abusive. This is different. She just brings me down. I'm scared to put myself first, Vivian. I don't want her to hurt. Thank you for helping me through this. I subscribed on the first video I saw of yours. You've really helped me just now. Thank you. 🙏
Vivian McGrath for example when do you know that you outgrow your friends? How to set boundaries with an old friend(+10years)? What to do when you feel a lot of expectation from the other side and its overwhelming?
@@yuyugo62 Your gut will tell you. When it starts to become one-way not two-way and you don't get much in return. You need to be honest, but keep blame out of it. "When you do this, I feel that and as a result it would help me if we could do X or Y"
I've come to this realisation about my sister, after years and years of her abusing everyone around her. It isn't an easy or clean thing to do. My mother says she has a 'glitch' and needs our love and support. I just can't anymore. It's always been one-sided with myself and all her relationships, she honestly believes herself to be a victim and a saint! Things go well for awhile if you're appeasing her but it invariably turns south and drama ensues. Then comes the cut off period, then next is the friendly, nothing ever happened stage. My mom continues to pour into her, walk on the eggshells and tolerate the abuse but I just can't anymore for my own happiness and equilibrium. Of course she's turned this into an attack on her and looking for pity and empathy from anyone who will listen. It's not always easy removing them from your life. She has two sons, whom I adore, so that throws another stone in the path, she will cut us off from them if we rock the boat too hard! Ugh, very frustrating.
Yes indeed, the mean, sweet cycle! Don't you just love it....not!!!! There is a man called Jackson MacKenzie, who wrote an excellent book called "Psycopath Free"...who talks about what Vivian is talking about, when dealing with Cluster B type personality disorders...you may get some aha moments, reading that. I love how the people who have gone through the battles themselves, give the best advice! Viv explains things firmly, but gently...just like a kind, genuine friend would. I think we can also let some people go, to a certain extent, but still have some contact...especially when it's family...but yes, as Vivian says..it's about developing those much needed boundaries! Good luck with navigating the minefield..I believe you will find the happy Medium.
Aye very frustrating indeed from what you describe & mom in there ‘chief enabler’ I like the technique of ‘ detaching with kindness ‘ it’s possible to learn to detach yourself emotionally from the person so your not getting too caught up in the toxicity but are still there in kind & it’s tough love if they don’t like it -your sanity matters too
Wow your friendship explanation sounds so much like what I am dealing with….I have become so drained….and my cancer is back and I have my second surgery in a few days….taking out a piece of my lung….and I just ran out of energy trying to fix all of her problems while I am dealing with so much…I too apologized so many times when I should have just walked away…she isn’t a bad person just so needy….thanks for sharing your experiences…thanks so much because there are some who think I should continue to be a Christian and turn the other cheek! They just don’t realize that I have rights too….I just cannot feel guilty anymore….thanks I need to hear this more often so I can quit feeling so hurt because what some may think of me for closing the door on her….
Thank you! I’ve been shedding friendships the past few years as I’ve grown and changed (for the better). There is a stigma associated with a friendship “break up” - as we age we change and develop different interests. Some relationships will continue to grow and deepen and some are too difficult - for various reasons - to maintain. ❤
Very true, thank You 🙏 I would also add: ones for ‘reason’: can teach you a lesson: about yourself, either way…! It’s better alone than with a false people 🙏💪❤️
I only have 1 single true friend. He was my best friend for the past 10 years, we always together almost 24/7 and I don't even think I need other friends when I had him. It's been 3 months since he work abroad and completely forgot about me. I've been in denial about it but like you said, it's time to move on. Thank you Vivian. It hurt at first but I know it will get better.
My friend would brag about herself all the time. She wanted me to be jealous of her. I wasn’t but I sick of her bragging and at times making me feel small. Just a comment here and there. Then we were both at a public place and we came across each other and she ignored me. Super obvious about it. Other people there commented on her behavior (so it wasn’t me being paranoid). It wasn’t the first time she’d done that. I thought what kind friend does that ? Ended it then and there. It was hard tho. Who needs friends like that. She tells people she doesn’t know she did. I tell them she does. She’s just not telling you but sometimes friendships just run their course.
Vivian McGrath thanks - it’s been 6’years now but the guilt hung around for a while. I questioned if I was too hard. Too quick to judge. I rang her once early in the break up and during that chat she (for no reason) mentioned the one person I had confided to her was kind of off me. When she did that i thought - you know exactly what you’re doing. That sealed the deal and I let it go. I’m stronger for that experience.
The timing of this video is impeccable. June this year has brought challenges that have me re-thinking what it is to both have and be a friend. As I result, I have cut one friend loose who I consistently rescued only to be judged and somewhat gaslighted when I was in a situation where I needed someone. And I have pulled back in my relationship with another who I trusted implicitly but who exposed me to a risky business situation and cannot understand why I might be angry at having lost time and money. To be honest, I think I can only count 2 dear lifetime friends who live in a different country. I was starting to feel like there was something wrong with me, having so few close friends. But after watching your video, I no longer feel so alone, as if having so few true friends is the exception rather than the norm. I suppose there is nothing wrong with preferring your own company rather than compromising your values to have a social life. lol.
A childhood friend since the 1960s helped me get sober; but always accusing others of things he himself was guilty of. There were constant lies by omission. He wouldn't do anything to help himself, just blame someone else. He never told the whole truth or whole story, claimed to be what he wasn't . He took me for a total fool, until I finally saw through his BS and called him out. How could I trust someone as a friend if I can't believe half of what he would tell me? He was alienated from everyone in his family, and one sibling told me that he was basically a kid who never grew up. I suspected he was mentally ill, and if he had to fabricate all these things about himself-- saying he had $1 million in assets when he didn't, for example, how was a friendship benefitting either one of us? And to call me a pussy, and to "man up," and to throw it up in my face about being an alcoholic when HE was the one who suggested we have the same sobriety date?? I was on the phone with him when his brother threw him off of his property. This was painful, but necessary. I completely lost respect for him and will never call him again. It's very unfortunate that he grew up to be the way he is, because he's the one who will suffer. I can't do anything with someone like that.
I am wondering why one of my female friends is telling me always: "You are too confident and too independent, men are scared of you. This is why you are single." I am a female attractive woman, and yes I know a lot of things and I am gifted if it comes to rebuilding houses, or doing creative things and handicrafts. This comment says more about her, I guess. Men that can't appriciate me, they are anyway not for me. It feels like a put down, not a friendly comment from a friend.
@@Unbeatable Thats so true! She wasn't single for one moment in the last 30 years. And she is not able to deal with a lot of chores, that an adult should be able to deal with. (insurances, claiming for tax refunds, contracts...etc.) driving more than 20km by car... all things that usually men did for her.
I'm so glad I came across your channel I really needed to hear your message I moved out of state recently and my friend quite calling me and for my birthday she text me instead of calling I feel so used by her😔😔
Thank you very much for this video. I had a friend who was there for me during an incredibly hard time in my life for me, and I was too broken to be there for her, in her hour if need at the same time. It took me a long time to grieve her absence from my life and it took a very long time for me to stop feeling guilty and move on. Most of my true friends in life are older than me (the angel one was more than a decade younger, but more mature than her peers; the other ones, who are my age have grown up with me and had very troubled time themselves, so were very mature for their age, like me). We live and learn and grow from things. Thank you for sharing your wisdom with us.
Great message and even better spirit! Thank you so much for this lovely video and the wisdom that you so graciously shared! I am very thankful that I came across this video. Hope you’re doing well!
The hard thing for me is to let go of friendships that are not toxic. We truly care about each other but time and distance just tear us apart. Should I cut them off? Do I even want to? Do I need to?
Is hard when i want to let go of a friendship, but our husbands are friends too and get along great. Super awkward to want to let go with loose ends...
Hi Vivian! Great guidance and I couldn't agree more. Would you by chance have a video on some different ideas and methods for how to end a friendship? What, if any, circumstance would justify ghosting someone completely with no words or explanation given before ending the friendship? When is a short email or letter OK vs. a long explanation over email, phone or in person? When do you share with them specific hurtful events so they know why you feel like you do and need to discontinue the friendship or is it best to just say the relationship doesn't feel best for your life or it no longer serves your current needs? If you have a link to a video you'd done about these issues, could you share the link. If you do not, I'd love to see a video done by you on this topic. Help! I'm in desperate need to break free! Thank you!
I'm afraid I don't but thanks for the suggestion. Every situation is unique and it depends on the person you are talking about. If a long explanation opens you up to gaslighting and more then negative energy then you don't owe them anything. Do what is right for you, without guilt and move on to find healthy friends who lift you up and bring out the best in you (and you them).
@@Unbeatable That is a great thing to point out and I couldn't agree more. My feeling is, no one owes anything to an abuser who has been objectively very cruel and/or abusive. If they're likely to gaslight and manipulate or shame you if you decide to tell them how you feel and that you have to move on without them, then outright ghosting them is totally OK. I just think that, as of late, she's been a bit insensitive and doesn't realize that she has or that my needs are greater than she naturally provides or gives to a friendship (but there's also a lot of other incidents from the past as well that have piled up during my years of emotionally stuffing down all of my pain due to my serious case of codependency). That's one of the drawbacks from abuse to though. You may need a bit more than an untraumatized or less traumatized person. My needs are my needs though, and I'm finally making the effort to honor, acknowledge and fulfill them. Thanks again!
I'm starting to think Google can read minds lol. I don't need any help figuring out the should I's or shouldn't I's etc etc when it comes to relationships , I was though thinking about relationships without energetic balance. Next thing this is in TH-cam feed when I was actually searching a completely different subject. Go figure
Relationships change as we change. There's a great cartoon I saw recently of a caterpillar and a butterfly having drinks together. The caterpillar says "You've changed," and the butterfly replies "We're supposed to." I think that sums it all up nicely.
I love that!
Fair Weather friends show their true colors when times get tough.
They certainly do.
And when times get good! They fail to congratulate you on your successes
And when your life is going great
What sucks is when it’s not necessarily a “toxic” friendship but yk - it feels like a chore now tbh
My mum always used to say 'Get rid of the old baggage, including fair weather friends'. How right she was! Thank you Vivian.
There's another category one should get rid of- 'unfair weather friends'. These are the sort who would pretend to be there for you and support you during your rough times, while covertly rejoicing in the fact that you're 'stuck' in a bad phase. These are the friends who would retreat into a shell or ignore/dismiss you when you share any sort of good news in your life. Your happiness makes them insecure and bitter. So yeah, get rid of those that are there only during the happy times AND those who only support you during your sad times but covertly put you down when you make progress. A healthy friendship involves genuine reciprocity during the good times and the bad times. I've recently cut off 2 of these envious female friends of mine and am better off for it.
@@Nitya-r86 'Schadenfreude' is the label for this type of so-called friend!
@@jayjaytailor Hi..yes I'm aware of 'Schadenfreude' and its connection with covert narcissists. I just wrote 'unfair weather friends' because these insecure folks are willing to stick it out with you when the weather isn't quite good yet when the weather turns fair for you, they are nowhere to be seen.
@@Nitya-r86 agree!
Friends are for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.
Yes,me too I can count only real Friends in my one hand that's why I prefer to be alone most of my life.
The few you can count on are the ones who matter
In playing it all back, i have begun to realize it has been literally years since she asked me, how are you, or listened, or acknowledged a present, or made it about me even ever.
Being a minimalist and living a frugal life, cleaning up on the friendship end of the spectrum is working at a gradual process. It's not easy but given these certain aren't reaching back to me asking the why's, answers I've doing the right thing. I'd like to add that Social Media is affecting people's choices for communication and attention. Find friends seem to have time for reading, posting on FB yet are denying real life.
I have a friend who's all about how many friends she has... I'm over it and I'm moving on... 12 years of friendship doesn't mean much too her but I'm over it... I know my worth.
Right now I'm experiencing the same friendship as you, Vivian. I feel extremely emotionally exhausted because it is one-sided. It's always been like that for the past 10 years and I feel like I can't stick around anymore. Thanks for this video!! It helps a lot.
After I finished a very toxic relationsship, I realized that one of my best highschool friend is not so positive towards me.
And I tracked it back in my mind, yes there was a pattern over all this years: nasty comments, belittling my successes and achievements, blaming me for the upsets and hardships of life like bad relationships, divorce etc.
I then distanced myself, it was never uplifting anyway. I always left feeling worse after meeting her. And realized then , this is not a real friend. I guess also there was envy on her side involved.
I am so happy to hear you set healthy boundaries.
Watch those frenemies.....they tend to say one thing and their actions are out of whack... I don't listen to words anymore I go by actions of that person's it speaks volumes...about them
Vivian,
Thank you for your video! I'm going to let go of 2 high school friends who have recently have been treating me as the outcast, teasing, the butt of jokes. We went on a girls trip to Seattle and it was not fun at all. I had anxiety the whole time. I questioned myself, "Have they always been this way?" I'm done being a doormat
Sorry to hear that. Good for you!
I met someone at Church & we've been hanging out for almost every week for 2 months but sadly she's leaving in 6 months. But she honestly showed me what truly friendship is about. I love hanging out with her & our relationship is not superficial, it's deep & meaningful. I feel like I've known her for so long. I've never been this happy!
Hello Vivian.......thanks so much for this. I wish l listened to you 7years ago. I wanted almost 1years of my life with a jealous and selfish assumed friend.
I tried leaving on numerous occasions but l was afraid of loneliness because l dont keep much friends in my life. Nothing l do for her satisfies her. I wasted my time and money trying to make her happy at my own detriment. I left on several occasions and crawled back to her despite the fact l did nothing wrong. She never says *I am sorry* She remembers me only when she needs something from me and never cares
Last straw for me was June 2020. I decided to leave her. As painful as it is l summoned courage and left. My sister was so happy for me cos she never liked our friendship. About 2weeks agoshe called me saying l dont check on her again l told her l am done.
I feel lonely but l know life gets better. I hope l find a good friend because l dont want to be lonely
Thanks once again. Listening to you is soothing
From Nigeria
I also think you can let friendships GO for a reason, a season or a lifetime too. Sometimes we just need to let go for a while. Sometimes those relationships can come back again, further down the track, if we let go of unrealistic expectations.
We grow apart, we come together....we grow apart, we come together, as we journey on our own personal paths....you know, like that saying...Before enlightenment, chopping wood, carrying water..after enlightenment, chopping wood, carrying water!.....lol..
Thank you Vivian....your warmth & wisdom are palpable even from the computer screen...like a kind, genuine friend, that I haven't met yet, but seem to have known a long time.
Loving hearts are like that.
Ho'oponopono. xo
Thank you so much for you kind words of support and I love your words of wisdom too. So true. Thanks for being here and for watching
A very insightful comment. I've definitely found that some relationships come around again in a new season, even if we didn't align with each other for a while. It's important to go where you feel you're being led (and is healthy) , whether that's away from the friendship or possibly back into it at a later date.
Wow. Wish you were my mum. Thank you, such wise words which I already knew but love to hear someone validate what I believe occasionally. Bless you for sharing with the younger generations. We need strong women role models like you ❤
That is so sweet of you, thank you.
Very, very timely since ... I ... (reluctantly) need to release an angel who pivoted my perspective to look upon the reality of myself. I'll never be able to thank them enough from my heart.
You can always make amends later and explain you needed time and perspective.
Vivian... You are Wonderful! I love your work and compassionate delivery... XO
Beautifully/Masterfully said. So agree...
That is so kind of you to say and for watching, thank you.
Absolutely.... Alot of friends are users or they want your sympathy all the time.... I find alot of people now are so self absorbed and social media has played a huge amount in this...it's wrecked alot of friendships. Yes exactly, I now only have 2 true good friends in my life, the rest are not!
I have fought to survive after a physically abusive relationship, I’ve lost friends now throughout my healing. It has been a hard slog for 2 years to return to myself and I don’t take that for granted. I’ve realised that I don’t need anyone to understand what I’ve been through or how i choose to live a simple stress free happy life now. I cut all toxicity out of my life and by doing so I guess I’ve become boring to most of my old me friends, but what matters is I’m safe, I’m happy and I’m free x
It's hurting so much because one of my core beliefs is that I'm here to help people. I feel like she doesnt respect me, that she doesnt love me. I also think she doesn't respect or love herself so how could I expect anything more?
What if I'm a narcissist? I don't suspect I am because if I was this wouldn't torment me so much. All the reasons I can think to continue this friendship is for her sake. I pushed people away because they crossed my boundaries, because they were abusive. This is different. She just brings me down. I'm scared to put myself first, Vivian. I don't want her to hurt. Thank you for helping me through this. I subscribed on the first video I saw of yours. You've really helped me just now. Thank you. 🙏
I wish I have friends like you Vivian. I am 27, have zero friends and just broke up with my gf of 2.5 years.
sensible and loving. such caring vibes. very nice. thank-you.
Thank you for sharing this! Can you make more videos about friendships please?
From what perspective? I'm happy to add any suggestions to my list.
Vivian McGrath for example when do you know that you outgrow your friends? How to set boundaries with an old friend(+10years)? What to do when you feel a lot of expectation from the other side and its overwhelming?
@@yuyugo62 Your gut will tell you. When it starts to become one-way not two-way and you don't get much in return. You need to be honest, but keep blame out of it. "When you do this, I feel that and as a result it would help me if we could do X or Y"
Vivian McGrath thank you very much!!🥰💕
I've come to this realisation about my sister, after years and years of her abusing everyone around her. It isn't an easy or clean thing to do. My mother says she has a 'glitch' and needs our love and support. I just can't anymore. It's always been one-sided with myself and all her relationships, she honestly believes herself to be a victim and a saint! Things go well for awhile if you're appeasing her but it invariably turns south and drama ensues. Then comes the cut off period, then next is the friendly, nothing ever happened stage. My mom continues to pour into her, walk on the eggshells and tolerate the abuse but I just can't anymore for my own happiness and equilibrium. Of course she's turned this into an attack on her and looking for pity and empathy from anyone who will listen. It's not always easy removing them from your life. She has two sons, whom I adore, so that throws another stone in the path, she will cut us off from them if we rock the boat too hard! Ugh, very frustrating.
Yes indeed, the mean, sweet cycle! Don't you just love it....not!!!! There is a man called Jackson MacKenzie, who wrote an excellent book called "Psycopath Free"...who talks about what Vivian is talking about, when dealing with Cluster B type personality disorders...you may get some aha moments, reading that.
I love how the people who have gone through the battles themselves, give the best advice!
Viv explains things firmly, but gently...just like a kind, genuine friend would.
I think we can also let some people go, to a certain extent, but still have some contact...especially when it's family...but yes, as Vivian says..it's about developing those much needed boundaries!
Good luck with navigating the minefield..I believe you will find the happy Medium.
Aye very frustrating indeed from what you describe & mom in there ‘chief enabler’ I like the technique of ‘ detaching with kindness ‘ it’s possible to learn to detach yourself emotionally from the person so your not getting too caught up in the toxicity but are still there in kind & it’s tough love if they don’t like it -your sanity matters too
Then do what is good for you and trust your gut. Don't feel guilty as you have tried and done all you can.
Thank you so much for this wise, kind message.
That was very helpful. Thanks.Greetings from London
Wow your friendship explanation sounds so much like what I am dealing with….I have become so drained….and my cancer is back and I have my second surgery in a few days….taking out a piece of my lung….and I just ran out of energy trying to fix all of her problems while I am dealing with so much…I too apologized so many times when I should have just walked away…she isn’t a bad person just so needy….thanks for sharing your experiences…thanks so much because there are some who think I should continue to be a Christian and turn the other cheek! They just don’t realize that I have rights too….I just cannot feel guilty anymore….thanks I need to hear this more often so I can quit feeling so hurt because what some may think of me for closing the door on her….
what a beautiful classy lady you are. thank you for this wonderful message, i truly enjoyed it!
That's lovely, thank you.
Excellent advice
Thank you! I’ve been shedding friendships the past few years as I’ve grown and changed (for the better). There is a stigma associated with a friendship “break up” - as we age we change and develop different interests. Some relationships will continue to grow and deepen and some are too difficult - for various reasons - to maintain. ❤
I glad scrolling I found your channel
I'm glad you found me too
Needing friends is insecurity. Friendship is a plus not a necessity.
Thank you so much for the wise advice. Came right on time. Beautiful earrings by the way.
Thank you. They're from Vietnam
Very true, thank You 🙏 I would also add: ones for ‘reason’: can teach you a lesson: about yourself, either way…! It’s better alone than with a false people 🙏💪❤️
Yes, Season, Reason or Lifetime... learn the lesson from the 'reason' ones and then let go
Wow... I love this woman she is amazing so blessed to find her wisdoms xox!!!
That's so lovely, thank you
Nicely condensed advice gives us recovering codependents out there validation.
I'm so glad. Takes one to know one. I'm a recovering codependent. There is life after this I promise.
I only have 1 single true friend. He was my best friend for the past 10 years, we always together almost 24/7 and I don't even think I need other friends when I had him. It's been 3 months since he work abroad and completely forgot about me. I've been in denial about it but like you said, it's time to move on. Thank you Vivian. It hurt at first but I know it will get better.
My friend would brag about herself all the time. She wanted me to be jealous of her. I wasn’t but I sick of her bragging and at times making me feel small. Just a comment here and there. Then we were both at a public place and we came across each other and she ignored me. Super obvious about it. Other people there commented on her behavior (so it wasn’t me being paranoid). It wasn’t the first time she’d done that. I thought what kind friend does that ? Ended it then and there. It was hard tho. Who needs friends like that. She tells people she doesn’t know she did. I tell them she does. She’s just not telling you but sometimes friendships just run their course.
I am so proud of you. She doesn't deserve that friendship
Vivian McGrath thanks - it’s been 6’years now but the guilt hung around for a while. I questioned if I was too hard. Too quick to judge. I rang her once early in the break up and during that chat she (for no reason) mentioned the one person I had confided to her was kind of off me. When she did that i thought - you know exactly what you’re doing. That sealed the deal and I let it go. I’m stronger for that experience.
@@kristabell5107 Good for you
The timing of this video is impeccable. June this year has brought challenges that have me re-thinking what it is to both have and be a friend. As I result, I have cut one friend loose who I consistently rescued only to be judged and somewhat gaslighted when I was in a situation where I needed someone. And I have pulled back in my relationship with another who I trusted implicitly but who exposed me to a risky business situation and cannot understand why I might be angry at having lost time and money. To be honest, I think I can only count 2 dear lifetime friends who live in a different country. I was starting to feel like there was something wrong with me, having so few close friends. But after watching your video, I no longer feel so alone, as if having so few true friends is the exception rather than the norm. I suppose there is nothing wrong with preferring your own company rather than compromising your values to have a social life. lol.
I'm so happy to hear this has put things into perspective for you. Thanks for watching. Keep those friends who count close to you. Forget the rest.
A childhood friend since the 1960s helped me get sober; but always accusing others of things he himself was guilty of. There were constant lies by omission. He wouldn't do anything to help himself, just blame someone else. He never told the whole truth or whole story, claimed to be what he wasn't . He took me for a total fool, until I finally saw through his BS and called him out. How could I trust someone as a friend if I can't believe half of what he would tell me? He was alienated from everyone in his family, and one sibling told me that he was basically a kid who never grew up. I suspected he was mentally ill, and if he had to fabricate all these things about himself-- saying he had $1 million in assets when he didn't, for example, how was a friendship benefitting either one of us? And to call me a pussy, and to "man up," and to throw it up in my face about being an alcoholic when HE was the one who suggested we have the same sobriety date?? I was on the phone with him when his brother threw him off of his property. This was painful, but necessary. I completely lost respect for him and will never call him again. It's very unfortunate that he grew up to be the way he is, because he's the one who will suffer. I can't do anything with someone like that.
I am wondering why one of my female friends is telling me always: "You are too confident and too independent, men are scared of you. This is why you are single."
I am a female attractive woman, and yes I know a lot of things and I am gifted if it comes to rebuilding houses, or doing creative things and handicrafts.
This comment says more about her, I guess. Men that can't appriciate me, they are anyway not for me.
It feels like a put down, not a friendly comment from a friend.
If you are happy single, then ignore her. It says more about her than you, IMO. Keep those standards, as that is a sign of healthy self-worth.
@@Unbeatable Thats so true! She wasn't single for one moment in the last 30 years. And she is not able to deal with a lot of chores, that an adult should be able to deal with. (insurances, claiming for tax refunds, contracts...etc.) driving more than 20km by car... all things that usually men did for her.
@@karo1564 thats her choice
Great video 😁
So kind, thank you.
I'm so glad I came across your channel I really needed to hear your message I moved out of state recently and my friend quite calling me and for my birthday she text me instead of calling I feel so used by her😔😔
Thank you very much for this video. I had a friend who was there for me during an incredibly hard time in my life for me, and I was too broken to be there for her, in her hour if need at the same time. It took me a long time to grieve her absence from my life and it took a very long time for me to stop feeling guilty and move on. Most of my true friends in life are older than me (the angel one was more than a decade younger, but more mature than her peers; the other ones, who are my age have grown up with me and had very troubled time themselves, so were very mature for their age, like me).
We live and learn and grow from things.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom with us.
The most important part of what you say is living and learning from things. That is how we grow.
How have I only just discovered you?! I resonate with so much of what your saying, very valuable wisdom and it’s speaking to my soul
Totally Agree
with You🎈
Thanks so much for your inspiration
Vivian 🌻
I had to let go of 2 Toxic, friends, hard ,,, but SO nessisary 🎈🎈🎈
I hope it feels much better and freer now?
Reminds me of Annalise Keating from How To Get Away With Murder
But real talk, this is one of the most heartbreaking tutorials I've had to watch :(
JUST what I needed today ❤️
Thank u for this ♥️
Great message and even better spirit! Thank you so much for this lovely video and the wisdom that you so graciously shared! I am very thankful that I came across this video. Hope you’re doing well!
Thank you Vivian!
The hard thing for me is to let go of friendships that are not toxic. We truly care about each other but time and distance just tear us apart.
Should I cut them off? Do I even want to? Do I need to?
I might have to let a friend go at some point because of what is going on with him at the moment
Is hard when i want to let go of a friendship, but our husbands are friends too and get along great. Super awkward to want to let go with loose ends...
It is hard, but keep only those around you who enhance your life
static / why do you stay by yourself so much ?
silence/ because that's the only person that I really know how to get along with !!!!
Realy good video, thanx 👍🏼
*l wasted almost 10years of my life with a selfish friend
🙏🧚♀️
Hi Vivian! Great guidance and I couldn't agree more. Would you by chance have a video on some different ideas and methods for how to end a friendship? What, if any, circumstance would justify ghosting someone completely with no words or explanation given before ending the friendship? When is a short email or letter OK vs. a long explanation over email, phone or in person? When do you share with them specific hurtful events so they know why you feel like you do and need to discontinue the friendship or is it best to just say the relationship doesn't feel best for your life or it no longer serves your current needs? If you have a link to a video you'd done about these issues, could you share the link. If you do not, I'd love to see a video done by you on this topic. Help! I'm in desperate need to break free! Thank you!
I'm afraid I don't but thanks for the suggestion. Every situation is unique and it depends on the person you are talking about. If a long explanation opens you up to gaslighting and more then negative energy then you don't owe them anything. Do what is right for you, without guilt and move on to find healthy friends who lift you up and bring out the best in you (and you them).
@@Unbeatable That is a great thing to point out and I couldn't agree more. My feeling is, no one owes anything to an abuser who has been objectively very cruel and/or abusive. If they're likely to gaslight and manipulate or shame you if you decide to tell them how you feel and that you have to move on without them, then outright ghosting them is totally OK. I just think that, as of late, she's been a bit insensitive and doesn't realize that she has or that my needs are greater than she naturally provides or gives to a friendship (but there's also a lot of other incidents from the past as well that have piled up during my years of emotionally stuffing down all of my pain due to my serious case of codependency). That's one of the drawbacks from abuse to though. You may need a bit more than an untraumatized or less traumatized person. My needs are my needs though, and I'm finally making the effort to honor, acknowledge and fulfill them. Thanks again!
@@movingonandup322 Good for you
My relatives are addicted and alcoholic but I love them but can't hang out with them
But if i let them go
Then i will be all alone without friend
And at school
Don’t give your power away!
Sending love! ❤️💜❤️🤗🥰
I'm starting to think Google can read minds lol. I don't need any help figuring out the should I's or shouldn't I's etc etc when it comes to relationships , I was though thinking about relationships without energetic balance. Next thing this is in TH-cam feed when I was actually searching a completely different subject. Go figure
The only difference a friendship and a relationship is having sex.
They are sometime mean to me
They dont care about me
Better to be without those type of people!
Sending you love from Wales UK ❤️💜❤️🤗🙏🌏