Ep. 107 | 2 Bears, 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
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Pretty wild episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer this week! Bert went to ye olde sex shoppe in Austin and brought back a bunch of toys for the bears to try out and review! Pumps, plugs, and mold of Christy Mack! Do we need to get Christy's permission to use it? Lets reach out either way! Bert realizes that him and Tom live VERY different lives on the road. We try and figure out how Bert is still alive and if a perspective adjustment is in order. We get into all the insecurities that come with being a comedian and how some people handle them. We then get back into ladies that worked in the adult industry for a couple months that blew up from that. The bears share the difficulties doing improv podcasts and radio appearances.
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Bert: “I don’t think penispumps are real.”
Tom: “Whatta you mean?”
Bert: “It’s hard to explain”
Tom: “What’s hard to explain?”
Bert: “Well, where do you wanna start?”
Tom: “Tell me how it’s hard to explain”
This could not have been more of a Tom/Bert conversation if it tried.
Two of the biggest hacks who force their laughter? I agree.
@@rickienoseman2186 yo momma
@@rickienoseman2186 who hurt you Ricky
Rickie Noseman Why are you even here? Lmao
@@bsbg-lifts sometimes its fun to go on a "i hate bert" spree
“There’s something in there! What if it’s a map? This is how an adventure starts!” Got’dang it Brett. That was gold.
2B1C is basically a weekly therapy session where Kursher keeps convincing himself he isn't an alcoholic to a sociopath therapist that laughs
I get the feeling that Tim has made some serious attempts at getting through to him, but Brent is in denial. I think he may wake up and get his 💩 together after his 2nd or 3rd heart attack. First one he’ll downplay for sure.
@@AgendaInMind you seem a bit Tok'd brother
@@interovic they haven’t been following proto
Bret - *laughs in seagull*
And these last eps have all were recorded over a week haha
Bert all of the time: “I never drink on stage”
Also Bart all of the time: “I got hammered on stage the other day”
Started this show for Bert, but the more I learn about him I'm more of a Tom fan.
Bert: “the mouth is so small!”
Tom: “yeah it’s really nice..”
@@Dronax sound a bit creepy there bud.
he had a creepy look too
Some cool guys in these comments 🎸 🎸 🎸
I prefer a cumdog who can give the WHOLE dog a bath
You’ve got that beautiful mouth
Holy shit. I lost it when Tom looked at the camera and said "Christi I'm sorry" with that face. Violator. lmao
"Let me plug some dates first..."
"OK, I'll go first "
Classic Brendt
Tom's face when Bert says "I think i'm more of like a dick person" 🤣🤣🤣🤣fucking podcast is the best
“Let’s take our time with these” sounded just like my mom every Christmas opening presents… and now I’ve got Bert’s voice and that memory rattling around in my head…
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I love that Tom knew he had to ask "Did you use this yet" before taking things from Bert
He legit asked the same question worded slightly differently 5 or more times
“I’m never gonna quit drinking”
-Burnt Chrysler
Famous last words.
- the guy drinking cooking Sherry
Gotta keep it high and tight
I feel like this is all building up to Tom and Leann organizing an intervention for Bert.
Well it’s important to have goals
The echo of nadav's laugh when Tom puts the butt plug in sounds diabolical lol
Before his very eyes his slash fiction is coming true
Whoever told Tom to start breaking the fourth wall more is a genius
It reminds me of Jim in the Office except with buttplugs
One of the voices in his head
His facial expressions/reactions are priceless.
I'm thinking of making a compilation just with his fourth wall breaks. Think it'll be entertaining.
Holy shit yes. So good!
Imagine your a new fan of Tom and Bart and you get excited because you find out they have a podcast. And this is the first pod you watch
This is the second one I’m watching. I just started, should I be worried😅😂
I just was sent this by a friend 🤣 first vid I've seen of them
They were so busy wondering if they could, that they never stopped to ask if they should.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Thank you. That was exactly what I needed xD
The cool guy guitar riff should have been playing throughout the episode.
The only reason I like Mondays. Thanks Tod and Bart
Watch bad friends
Burnt*
Bad friends sucks!!
Yeah we all know the best podcast duo is scissor bros
@@spikedmo Scissor bros is even worse
*Why does Tom smile like my grandpa with only his lower set of dentures in 😂*
Can't wait to hear Brent talk. I feel like we don't get to hear enough of him.
Couldn’t agree more
agree(without irony)
These comments getting upvoted on every 2Bears are at the point of being more annoying than Bert now.
@@JDSharar13 expressing how annoyed you are has annoyed me. I feel triggered.
You can watch something else 🤷♂️
"Why has it gotten better?"
"Because you're here "
:)
Its pretty sus to me that around 16:45 when Bert is talking about the auto-blow machine that he keeps referring to it as "he" haha
Cause he said the mouth looks more like a dudes mouth
Burt sticking his finger into a Fleshlight: “This is how an adventure begins!”
Bart "Im more of a dick person" Chrysler
I love how Tom's face always looks like he's listening to a little kid tell a story when Bert is talking.
They way Tom looks at the camera and smiles when Bert does or says something ridiculous 💀💀😂😂😂
The 4th wall jim style office break
@@linkd9553 😂😂 your so right
"What if it's a map?" Had me rolling
When Tim looks into the camera when Bart says something stupid is hilarious 😂
Ive tried telling people this podcast is for Toms amusement & we're just the lucky flies on the wall
@@kristiskinner8542 Exactly. If you re-watch the first episode, you know exactly what Tim's agenda was. Diabolically genius.
Bret: “I got us matching butt plugs” 😂😂😂
Tom "It's weird talking to your friend with this going on" Bert "I'm not bothered by it"
literally one minute later Bert, "I can't believe I'm talking to you with this thing vibrating in my asshole"
😂😂😂😂😂😂 most Bert thing ever haha
@@joshisajedi2461 lol good note. It's a direct quote, but I think the vibration is what he's saying is "in" lmao
Yeah he barely made it 40 seconds.
I feel like I'm watching Tom try to understand Bert every time. He watches him like you watch a child.
You should have a segment called “gaslighting with bert” where you gaslight him into doing stuff and then record it for scientific reasons
Just say "what's the world record for most beer drank in one day" and he'll be off
well aint that poetic marshall
that’s what the entire premise of 2B1C is
And not tell Burt.. just get him freaking out🤣🤣🤣
@@Doorito_ well whoever has that record is most likely dead
@5:41 tom jumping lke a little kid followed by "I don't like that" and "I don't want that im my asshole" had me cracking up 🤣
My bet is that Tom pretended to put the butt plug in because he knew Brent would just have to do it too and knew he actually would
I thought that same thing
"Your drinking's gotten out of control."
Lmfao
3 minutes in and I'm glad to see Tom and Burp taking their relationship to the next level such a sweet couple .
hahaha "burp"
LITERALLY Tom turning to the camera like its the office gets me every fkn time XD
I thoroughly enjoy Tom’s mischievous look at Bart when he’s talking about leftover shits. He knows that something weird was on its way from Bart.
Silly bart
The look on berts face when Tom sat down was like he just saw Santa
I did not expect my Monday to start quite like this.
Right!?!
Getting off work at 530pm, i didnt expect my night to start like this.. 🤣
Bert: I’m gonna get us sex toys and we’ll play with them together on the next episode
Tom [clearly exasperated, not actually agreeing]: okay...?
Bert: I spent $1000 on sex toys
Seeing Tom’s face when he finally got something to reach his G-spot gives me immense joy and I don’t know why
58:45 - I think Bert's talking about Groucho Marx’s 1951 letter of resignation to the Friars’ Club: “I don’t want to belong to any club that would accept me as one of its members.”
This is how the goonies started pulling a map out of a flesh light hahahaha always thought Bert looked like a grown up chunk xx
hey guys! best intro ever!!! Bert - "I'm never going to quit drinking. I don't even look good." thanks Bert, I feel the same way except I'm skinny! have a good week boys
Most sincere moment with Segura "because your here" i felt that.
The excitement on Bart's face when Tim came back from the bathroom is priceless
It was child-like excitement… which is awkward and weird considering they’re using vibrators 🤣
Can't believe a machine got into Tom's scrum before Christina
Tom’s giggles after being reminded they swam in pants together 😂😂
Tom's face after he sits back down, like he took mushrooms and they're starting to kick in lmao
They always talk about Brent being gaunt, but I've never once seen him approaching anything near gaunt.
Cause Bert is a delusional alcoholic and Tom plays along because it is funny and doesn't want it to stop.
I mean, isn't that obvious? Lol.
This was a manic Bert episode. Like, insane lol
It really was. I am still laughing about the hooters plane episode.
We’ve swam in pants together. Oh fuck Bert cracks me up hahaha
So nice of Brent to have Tim and Nadiv on the Burntcast today
You can watch something else 🤷♂️
@@AgendaInMind you ok?
wait a minuet ...did brad just say "He's like...." when referring to his flesh light hahaha
Yeah, he said the mouth looks more like a dude’s
Yup. He also said he'd f the machine under the table if tom holds it for him. He cant get it up without starring into tims eyes. Bro, I swear bert is bie for something. He GIVES the gay vibes hardcore lmfao! But then again they have been best friends for decades. Still a better love story than twilight.
I'm fucking crying right now 😂 Him sitting down made me just almost piss myself and my work will now stuff.
same
"what if it's a map!?" hahahaha
The Poonies staring Bert Kreischer as Chunk
give us a truffle shuffle Bert
Holy God! I'm going to have to take this episode like their butt plugs, in segments.😂🤣😂🤣
Just two bros vibin together
0 Bears, 2 Berts, 46 burps, and a new cigar cough
“I know someone that doesn’t like you” Bert is such a man-child
He shall not be named
The excitement and wonder in Bert's eyes is priceless
Okay, now I really want to see a movie about Bert finding a treasure map in a fleshlight.
I quit drinking 4 years ago, the only reinforcement I need to be good is to watch 2B1C every Monday 😃
Quality comment content
Nah this ice cold Heineken while watching is so unbelievably pleasurable.
It’s saying something when this episode is the most comfortable I’ve been with Bert in months
Best way to start a Week!!!!!!!!!!!!
This episode took an interesting turn...Now we've all seen Bert's sex face.
Bro this episode comin through the fence right away!
This is the HARDEST I’ve ever heard Nadav laugh!
@Cade bro how does it feel to be one of the most tokked people in the world
@Cade gen z? that’s YMH talk you false blood.
@Cade do you still seriously think it’s a laugh track? i don’t understand how you can be so dense
His laughter will never fail to put a big smile on my face. I miss his manic laughter on this show so much.😂
The episode screams “demonetisation” ahah
Love every single episode Tim and Brent!
You can't demonitize advertising reads lol
*Nadav:* "Are you gonna take any of those toys on the road with you?"
*Brett Krishna:* "No. I mean yeah, all of them."
I smiled and laughed the entire episode.
God damnit 15 seconds in and I already know I can't watch this at work lol
I guess I’m just not as good of a friend with my friends as I thought cause Bert and Tom are on another level
When Burp pulled the cardboard tube out of the flesh light and smelled it, I had to pause and lmao.
I can’t tell if Burt needs more or less adderall.
Is he on addies?
@@carynmartin6053 no clue. But he either needs to be or needs to dial back his dosage.
Oh man, touch me with the fence I'm done 😂
"I wish we had a psychoanalyst here to break it down for us." But you can already get high-quality bullshit from Bart for free!
Tom - Your head is this big ????
Bert - Maybe it did work !
Ahhhhhhhahaha !
Bret literally almost said "you have to be a legit gay dude to use this" lmao. Kudos Bruce,it seems your finally learning...
Ahaha he should’ve said it
Always love this lovefest!! Tom Segura is the friend we all want and need in our life - zero judgement, all giggles (1:01 made my eyes watery - I think you already know, but I want you to know how much I enjoy you) - the best!
Time to rename this podcast
“ 2 bears 1 closet” 😂😂😂😂😂
36:25 That Face Tom High AF Off The Booty Plug LMFAO
A podcast so bad that you have to resort to the cooking Sherry 🤣 I'm crying
I love the audible laughter in the background 😂.
"I think I'm more of a dick person" -- Tom's reaction haaaa
“Pull up the directions to this thing” Fuckign burnt 😹
I had a friend that said he would never quit drinking. He's dead now.
agreed
well he wasn't a quiter
ive never heard of someone dying before, does that happen to everyone
Bert revealing they're doing these episodes back to back to back haha
Tom- “I don’t want that in my asshole”
5mins in and already has the comment of the day. Gonna be hard to beat that.
Onward…
32:50 BEST 10-15 minute clip youll find
6 minutes in and this is already the best non live episode of this podcast.
Lol tom had to be talking about Johnny Dare when he mentioned kansas city 🤣
"I dunno how he recognized me, I had my mask on!"
Oh jeez where to begin...
25:34 someone forgot to blur the box 😂
Bert : I won’t stop drinking
Tom: smiles at camera
I lost it when he did that 🤣
Telling my girl what I’m watching… of course her response… “you know how I know” 😂
Tim's face as he sits back down actually broke my brain with how funny and kind of hot that was
30:48 best part I had to go to toilet so I could laugh and repeat watch it
I’d love to hear who Tim hasnt enjoyed podcasting with
I was thinking the same thing..
Same
Don't worry he'll tell you off camera
The butt-plug shocks have me laughing hard at 6 am. Thank you...I had to do an over nighter lol