Fear of conflict: Why am I afraid of conflict?
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 5 พ.ย. 2019
- Are you afraid of conflict? This video explains why you fear conflict and why you avoid confrontation.
As a therapist people often ask me "Why am I afraid of conflict?" There's a lot more going on with your brain, your emotions, and your nervous system.
In this video I'll share with you why you avoid confrontation and what you can do to change it.
People might give you advice like "you need to be more assertive." But that misunderstands why you really struggle with conflict.
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It makes me so deeply anxious to have conflict and to think that someone is angry or upset with me.
Same bro
fr my dad grew up on street he knows a lot of things but he wanted me to grow up in peace, but now i feel like i dont have the necessary expercience i gotta have im 17 and never been in some beef, im not physically weak but just got some block and doubt in my mind to think that im weak, but i know one day i will laugh at myself for saying that
Where you able to fix that ?
I hate conflict and confrontation. It makes me physically ill. I grew up in a home where there was always conflict in the family (parents, siblings, etc). As an adult, I've witnessed my siblings still have conflicts/confrontations but I hate it and try to avoid it at all costs.
Yes, I struggle with this ALL MY LIFE!! I'M SO TIRED. I WANNA SPEAK MY TRUTH. When I'm in a conflict I rationalize, I find excuses just not to say what bothers me. Now I realize that I never really lived as "me", it was avoidance of my self
I fear of exploding and doing something or saying something I'll regret. All of this bottled anger can't be healthy.
I have an intense phobia of conflict...
I have all the skills to resolve conflict on my part for I always feel like the other person will not be collaborative with me and I go into a panic attack for some reason and need to go lay down and calm down my heart rate.
I'm older than I care to admit too, I have been afraid of conflict all of my life, I have suffered all types of situations and put up with it because I didn't want the confrontation or the consequences it might bring to my door. So I basically let people take advantage of me just to keep the peace or to avoid getting into a fight, ( something else I never learnt how to do ).
i am with you in this man
Feels good to read the comment section and realize I’m not alone in this. I feel as sense of paralysis when faced with conflict (cold skin at times, tense muscles, overwhelming and maybe even an over dramatized sense of fear at what having conflict might mean). It FEELS like the cost of pushing back and staying in the tension of the conflict is going to cost me severely. It feels like it’s going to result in abandonment. It felt like this since childhood and now as an adult while I know that this isn’t the case and it won’t be the end of the world from a psychological stand point, my body still responds like I did as a child/adolescent when presented with conflict and tension.
One aspect that I find difficult when dealing with conflict is that I’m dealing with it with many people who naturally are good at conflict and show little to know apprehension in being in a tense environment. It’s like being a white belt in martial arts going up against those who are black belts at conflict. It takes all my energy and ability to battle off the fear and anxiety and engage in the tension/conflict and it seems to take them so little effort.
Its going to take a great deal of practice and repetition to become good at engaging in conflict I’m guessing. The cost seems high either way. If I don’t engage then I get walked over and dismissed. If I engage then I must confront both my genetic predisposition towards people pleasing and my learned behavior from childhood experience and family dynamics.
you're so like me.. try EFT and look for social anxiety solutions in youtube , it's a channel.. maybe it will be helpful to you
This describes me so well…
I am very scared and I totally freez up in argument and my heart starts to bit faster and my whole body shivers
Thanks for sharing. It sounds like you might be experiencing what's called the "fight, flight, freeze" response. It's something our brains and bodies do when we experience strong feelings of fear.
Same!! I experience all of these even when other people are arguing with eachother. I'm extremely scared of arguments :((
No one is without fear but the strong are those who over become of his fear , try to learn how to overcome of your fear ...
@@codymitts398sir, I'm having the same problem.how can i overcome this feeling.
I avoid conflict a lot but getting better. It is hard for me to do it, without being angry or violent. I grew up pinning up stuff in. I usually just walk away when I get angry because I get very angry. My past jobs knew I was the most sweetest dude, but shocked and scared them when I lost my temper.
Arguing with someone who is fixed in their ways and always thinking they are right, is just a waste of time. I disengage in any form of conflict and move on with my life.
My brother and mom argue a lot and it’s my biggest fear. Whenever there’s even a chance of them arguing and creating conflict, I feel like a I want to vomit. Thank you for making this video.
An issue I struggle with and would like to understand is why I experience post-conflict anxiety. Its hard for me to understand why it happens because in many cases, I was assertive in the right ways and things worked out the way I had hoped. Positive things. But I still can't shake this anxious feeling after the fact. It feels like anticipatory anxiety but it occurs after the conflict. The feeling is nearly the same. I'm very curious if anyone else feels this way, particularly about conflict outcomes that were actually positive for them, yet they still can't stop feeling anxious or low afterwards. In some cases I should feel proud of the outcome but I nearly always feel low afterwards.
Me too
You're not alone. I'm actually going to cover this is my next video. Anxiety can come up afterwards sort of like an emotional hangover. Journalling might help you uncover what's underneath. I find that anticipatory anxiety comes from negative fear thoughts or assumptions about what could happen verse staying in the moment. There is a valid reason why we are afraid and honoring those emotions while learning more skills can really help gain confidence. Hope that helps!
I am exactly the same. That is why I am watching this video too.
I feel like my inner warrior is debilitated
I cant confront anyone! My hearts starts to beat really fast and hard! Legs go all jelly. Any help would be great.
☹️ once i was stronger.. And now I'm weak like you described..
I feel the same bro
The worst part is how fast the anxiety takes hold of you and then the sheer embarrassment of it when you fail at trying to pretend everything is normal and trying not to panic which causes more fear, self-doubt and anxiety than you started with while your mind races away
Im the same way, when I was a teenager, I was very confrontational now I’m scared of it 😞
I am more afraid of hurting someone else or ending up in jail , so I would rather walk away than fight .
i struggle a lot with this, especially now during this pandemic that i have to say no to my family and friends because i have a new born and i cant risk having people at home. but i feel like the worst, when i see that they ask me to come visit i get so anxious and frustrated. i always start saying to myself "why do i have to even have the conversation, they have common sense, they should know"
Hi Luis, saying no can be hard when we struggle with conflict! I always try to remind myself that it's okay to do what's best for myself, and to let other people have their own feelings about the situation.
I finally confronted a bully in 5th grade and got beat up is probably the root issue for me.
I don’t mind conflict with someone who is level headed and understanding, but there are times where you will have confrontation with someone who is rent lent less and likes to argue for the sake of arguing instead of concflict resolution
Avoiding conflict is the only safe way to go most the time.
You spoke to my soul just now. I feel that I'm a kind person and I think about others but people take advantage of me and that's why I get angry.
I know that feeling! I think it can take some time to learn how to be both kind and firm so that you don't feel others take advantage of you. Keep up the work on your journey.
I had always thought that there was more to my fears than what I was doing consciously, and at least now I know that I'm not the only one who believes that. Thank you.
I definitely agree with you that there's more going on with our fear than what we're aware of. I'm glad you found the video helpful. Thank you for watching and sharing your thoughts!
since I was a little, im always feel anxious, scared when seeing someone angry. When im still in school, i used to skip class, or fake a sick just to pass a class with a temperament teacher. Even if i know im not going to be the target of the anger(cause i rarely make misbehave). its just keep growing on me until now. Even now when im in college, i still feel the same when i hear my senior mad at us. gosh its exausthing..
Yeah my legs shake uncontrollably, It's bad
Thank you so much. Only thing I've ever had issue with, with my girlfriend is avoiding conflict with her. Having grown up without the concept of boundaries its a recipe for disaster, because I always cross the line with her, I keep small mundane things she regards as important in her life. Im going to practice being kind to myself and addressing the feelings in less than 24 hours.
Hi Thato, thanks for your comment. I'm glad that you mentioned boundaries! That's such an important part of dealing with conflict and anger. I hope that what you're practicing is making a difference for you.
I have just started unpacking childhood trauma about conflict after being scared of confrontation and fighting and arguing my whole life. I cried throughout this whole video bc i could relate and see these patterns in myself. I wish i could hug you
Hi Nea, thanks for sharing about your journey of working through childhood trauma. That can be a challenging journey, but it's well worth the work in the end! I'm glad this video has helped you along the way. Sending you my best thoughts.
Wow at 9:19
Thank you for answering that
I am getting out of a 7 year abusive marriage with an alcoholic. For a long time everytime he disrespected me or treated me like dirt I held in how I really felt. He refused to talk about it and we always pushed it under the rug.
Eventually when we’d drink I’d get so angry and emotional at him. I had to stop drinking because I couldn’t control myself and I didn’t know why.
Now fast forward 7 years I’m drained, suffering from PTSD
I’m a single mom of 2 children under 3 with little to no help and my default mode seems to be anger
I don’t even recognize myself anymore.
So thank you for clarifying because I feel a lot of shame with how short my fuse is and how frustrated I get and how often it is now.
But what I am realizing is I am not only feeling 7 years of anger from my abusive marriage,
But 26 years of anger from my upbringing and childhood
Have you heard of attachment theory?
I had seen many therapists over the years and nothing helped as much as finding out my attachment style…and VERY importantly, how to heal! I have fearful avoidant attachment, leaning dismissive, and finding out how/why it develops in childhood was so validating. It helped explain why I picked the partners and friends I had. It explains how we develop subconscious programming and core wounds in childhood.
Please look into this. It can change your life, empower you. It can help you lay a different foundation for you children. We often take on our wounding and unconsciously pass it on. I wish I’d known this stuff when my oldest was little (or actually before I’d ever become a parent). I started really healing when my youngest was around 6. My oldest is an adult.
However, I couldn’t beat myself up about it…I just have to take each day and use my new skills, thought patterns, coping, emotional regulation, and be a better version each day.
The Personal Development School TH-cam channel changed my life. It’s where I heard about attachment styles and trauma and it resonated so much. I felt like all my chaos, disconnection was understood.
Importantly too, like I said, I felt like I had answers on what to do.
I wish you healing, peace, connection, and love 💫💛
Managing conflict is definitly important issue now days if you dont know how to fight for your cause and yourself you are going to be stepping stone all your life
Does really matters what others think of you ?
It only matters what you think of yourself and make yourself main actor in your movie be bold and assertive dont be nice
This video is right on point but dont give any releif regarding how to treat this problem I beleive when you stop avoiding conflict and difficult people and acctualy embrace it you start your journey of making progress of resolving this issue
If you go into conflict without thinking that you need to win every argument you are going to be more relaxed and more focused what other person whant to adress
It might be heated argument about someting or someone never submit but try to exit the fight sooner than later
Great comment. I like what you said about going into conflict thinking that you need to win every argument. I think this mindset leads to so many problems with conflict! I'll work on putting out another video about how to deal with this problem. Thanks for stopping by to check out the video.
It sucks in a work situation...maybe sometimes there is issues with management/coworkers...but it’s mostly with customers that don’t like or understand our policies or the overall ethics us practitioners have. There are certain things I can’t accommodate because I don’t want to lose my license. Sometimes management has my back other times they don’t. There were times where I could be assertive but it’s hard to keep up the momentum since it was not how I was initially. I use to be a complete pushover. It gets draining sometimes.
I know what you mean Kayla! It can feel draining when it's not something that feels natural. What I've found helpful is changing how I view conflict. When I started thinking of conflict as a normal and potentially healthy part of life I started responding to it differently.
Great information that I wish didn't have to learn from books and videos. Unfortunately the therapists I've had for decades never taught me any of this.
I wanted to add, I love what you talked about.
I think that people often need from a therapist, someone to verbally spar with in a safe space. Because the people you need these skills with in the real world won't pull their punches and the problem can snowball.
Much like the learned helplessness studies by Martin Seligman, people need their lower brain to be taught that it's safe to defend yourself. The cognitive mind doesn't always have much control over this part of the mind so changing thinking won't always help. Sometimes, for some people, they just need direct practice in a safe space, because they have no other safe space in their life and the lack of being able to stand up for themselves is the cause of that so it's a self feeding loop.
I love that you talk about the mix of genetics and early life trauma as well as other things. Very crucial.
I find most therapists I've worked with have a cognitive understanding of this but can't dig deeper into working on reprogramming the lower parts of the brain with patients.
Anyway, it's Friday and it's late so sorry for the ramble.
I just understand that I could gain a lot more then I did if I wasn't so afraid. Also I understand that the consequences of a conflict would not be as devastating as the fear is, but can't do anything with this anyway.
This is such an insightful and informative video! ❤️
Thank you so much! This made so much sense to me :)
Glad that you found it helpful! Thanks for taking some time to watch it.
So I was abused as a child and abandoned and I'm currently a nanny of two. I spanked a four year old yesterday because the mother insists that spanking is necessary, I do not appove but I'm not his mother, and after I spanked him I had to sit down in the other room for like ten minutes because It made me feel super anxious and my legs started shaking really bad and my mind was racing and then after awhile I managed to calm down and now I juat feel super depressed
That's awful. You shouldn't be put in a position like that. That parent is abusive and is trying to make you become abusive (as a Nanny, I expect you have many more effective ways to deal with a child's 'bad' behaviour). Children's behaviour can be a cause of something deeper ie. Sadness or fear so spanking may cause even further problems.
You're in a difficult position but maybe you could use your training and then if it works, tell the parent that it's spelling on the child but if either parent continues to spank, it will undo this new found resolution to their 'bad' behaviour.
The parent needs to be kept an eye on because they sound abusive as fuck.
Spanking a child when you don’t agree with it, especially given your trauma history…is a self betrayal. It is going against your boundaries and needs. Of course you felt anxious and sweaty…it was against you and the little child.
It’s dissonance causing when we engage in anything that is incongruous to our deeply held beliefs.
You have every right to say “no” and when a job, person, whatever, requires us to engage in things we find immoral, abusive, etc, it is the time we speak up and/or walk away. When we live in alignment to our values, we are at peace with ourself and others (less anxiety and our body revealing our discomfort with misaligned beliefs and behaviors).
Unfortunately, too many parents have no clue regarding attachment trauma. They often live out their conditioning from childhood, with little/no introspection regarding “why” they would chose to spank, what goal they are trying to achieve. Additionally, they often fail miserably at connecting the dots in regards to children’s behaviors and development. Way too often, children are “punished” for things that could absolutely be redirected, taught differently. From a neuroscience perspective, understanding brain development, cognitive capabilities, and so much more should be required understanding to be a parent.
Please do what you need to, to heal yourself. Please remove yourself from any situation that requires you to betray yourself, your values, your morals.
Sending you light and love💛
Sounds like you are feeling in conflict with your own values.
🔴I have a good body but i feel scared when it comes to aggressive and abusive arguements. I feel shivering, my heart beat faster and i think im going to cry. Sir, I seriously want to overcome this feeling. I'm thinking that I'm a coward and the thought is hunting me.. Please help
Lol, you are not a coward you just need to face your fears on a daily basis
@@acceptancebelieves1908 ☹️
I always face the same problem as you described. I start sweating and my heart beat gets faster. I can't even talk
I feel like I'm going to cry.
Well going off of your car analogy, when I was learning to drive my parents constantly told me how dangerous everything was.
One time I specifically remember, I was getting ready to go somewhere and I was very calm, not even thinking about the drive.
My mother told me to be carefully because if someone hits me my car would be like an accordion. My eyes got big and my shoulders shot up
All the fear and anxiety I have from driving they literally pushed on me
Now to finish the rest of the video
So helpful. Learnt more here than other videos. Thank you so much. The music is very distracting though. I couldn't concentrate 🙁
Glad you found it helpful! I appreciate the feedback and I'll take that into consideration with my next video.
Thanks alot for this fascinating video i just needed that video it came in the suitable time love it 🤩🤩🤩
You're welcome nedaa, I'm happy that you found it helpful on your journey!
Thank you so much!
You're welcome, I hope you found the video helpful.
I used to be conflict adverse but now i like starting shit
Hi Ken, I hear what you're saying. Something I try to remind myself when it comes to conflict is to practice being kind and firm at the same time.
@@codymitts398 And thats the hardest part! Its easy to stand up for yourself when you're angry or annoyed. At least for me. But when I'm calm and get caught off guard by a stranger its difficult
@@stephengreico2810 I agree! Maybe in the situations when you're caught off guard a different part of our brain is triggered than when you're feeling angry?
That's the thing any bit of conflict that comes my way I deal with by being a monster, not because I want to, but because I understand I'm not in the wrong and it's the only way people will learn to respect you.
That's the thing any bit of conflict that comes my way I deal with by being a monster, not because I want to, but because I understand I'm not in the wrong and it's the only way people will learn to respect you.
THE PUBLIC BE DAMNED
You should appreciate non confrontational people. Not push them to pursue it.
i get fear in heart before a conflict or before a fight like some stubbing in heart feeling thats a result of being scared probobly,anyone have this too?
Yup! My already sky high cortisol levels go into over drive and I almost feel like I'm gonna have a heart attack! I'm petrified thst one day my body wont be able to take the bullying and the abuse n I will keel over n die! Talk about murder imo bcoz the bully who caused it is!
@@TinaLouise73 dont be affraid Just belive in our Lord savior, Best advice i can give you
Great information, is there any way you can take out the music in the back? Would make it so much better. Thank you!
Thanks for watching Mimi, unfortunately I can't change the music in the background now that the video is published but I'll definitely take that into consideration for the next video.
Odd I was just thinking how much I liked the music
Inexperience
My boggest fear IS that impact me in front of all this tyranny existed in this World conflits are inévitable to face tyranny
You are a large man who would intimidate me if I ever met you. And you ask why people are conflict avoidant.
He seems really gentle and nice, why the heck would he intimidate you?
It isn't about size, unless you are self conscious about your own size.
And that shows your narrative..the “meaning” you give his size.
We have to be so careful of what we believe, what we make things mean.
Limiting beliefs, cognitive distortions, all drivers in our subconscious, we need to become very mindful of, root out. Those warped thought patterns themselves can create an incredible amount of conflict.
At least he isn't a judgmental fuvk head