My answer would be: You being committed to your family irritates me, I feel like you’re not prioritizing me anymore even though you promise to change after the wedding. I’m scared that you won’t prove me wrong and be committed to your family for the rest of your life.
Do we have to wait for them to ask? I believe we can also communicate it by ourselves, right? I mean.. if they are around. Thank you, those are good questions @schooloflife
Excellent video! The thing I'm angry about is the same thing that scares me, ie. that he does not plan for the future, so I often feel like the only adult. He would say that I always find something that needs to be worked on and ask why I can't just be happy with the way things are now. For those who know the MBTI, this is what happens when an "N" type marries an "S" type. We've discussed this many times, and it is part of the 69% of things in most marriages that are just not solvable.
I asked my ex once: "Do I scare you sometimes?", because I sometimes felt she was fearful of telling me about things that were bothering her, and it resulted in a tearful emotion breakdown in the middle of the night. I feel like that could've been prevented if I'd asked that question way sooner and frequently.
Oh damn. I was fearful of my bf sometimes, I was keeping shut like your ex so as not to add my worries to his worries. But one day he asked me that question. I said yes, sometimes. Then he told me, why should I fear another person? He told me I should fight back. He told me I have claws. That nobody can control me, only I can control me. He told me to overpower him if I felt he was too powerful. He said, I shouldn't be afraid, he won't do anything to hurt me. He was right. Since then I have learned to keep my backbone. Our relationship improved immensely and I am thankful to him for inspiring courage in me for me.
We’ve asked our oldest (26) these questions multiple times over the past 5 years. She went low contact with us then went no contact. When we asked the questions, she couldn’t and wouldn’t answer. Her sister asked her and she did the same to her. They were extremely close up until a month ago. We never got involved in their relationship. All of a sudden, our oldest sent a nasty text to her sister and that was that. She did go off her medication despite our pleas to continue taking it. We’re heartbroken and feel lost 😞. Our precious child is in trouble and we can’t do a thing to help her.
Damned straight. My parents scared the shit out of me so bad growing up and they still do well into adulthood. I see it as no small part of my generalized anxiety disorder, CPTSD, and frequent panic attacks. And when I tried to talk to them about it they repeatedly told me to piss off in so many words. And yet they are they only "family" I have.
This reminds me of an episode I had with my mum recently. She made me really upset when she made a nasty comment about my body, despite knowing how insecure I am about it. When I tried to help her understand why it hurt me, even if it wasn’t her intention, she simply wouldn’t budge. And that scared me; that my mother, whom I’ve adored and yearned for affection from all these years, would choose her ego over properly mending her relationship with her daughter. It’s not the antecedent that upsets me anymore, it’s the aftermath of her reaction that has truly broken my heart.
You're so right, sometimes the problem isn't just about being afraid to take a step in the right direction. It also happens that we do whatever we can to improve things on our side, we become more concious and open to other perspectives, more brave to admit our mistakes and willing to fix all our failures, we're ready to communicate clearly, set boundaries and goals regarding our relationship with the other person, we are focused on negotiating terms and find win-win solutions and everything that those selfp-help recources recommend... Only to be confronted with a reaction that shows us that the other person isn't on that same page, they may not be there just yet or they aren't even willing to walk that particular path at all, not for us, not for themselves and not for the relationship. It's so disheartening. Either way it's an important choice point for any relationship, because you have to decide what you can let go of and what you can't. You have to ask yourself if you are willing or able to have a one-sided relationship, if you can be fine, even if you will never be understood by the other person, how much energy you want to put in it from now on, what boundaries would need to be set and upheld for that relationship to exist in the future and so on... It's total BS to just assume, that if you tell your loved ones about your feelings and needs and communicate your boundaries clearly, (like all therapists tend to say) that you will be respected for doing that because teh people closest to you really care about you and want you to be happy, so they will be supportive of such attempts and they will actively participate and then share their own feelings in a similar way. That assumption is simply not true and causes a great deal of suffering to everyone who was desperate for answers on how to improve relationships, implements the best strategies for communication and care and then gets rejected or even ridiculed by their loved ones for those attempts, because they are not willing to put in the work to save the relationship on their side. Sometimes we just have to accept that we did all we could to fix things, but we got ourselves up to a breaking point and a refusal of cooperation may just be the end of that particular relationship. ;(
Most parents never accept that their child is an individual person and not a creature made from and for their own ego. Even as their children become adults, they still will never accept it. It is quite something to realize how broken parenting generally is.
@@Seamannon👏👌👍 What an amazing comment that says so much on this subject and how if their ego won't allow them to come to that place with you, instead they will stand where they are and shame you for trying to evolve or grow. To be better as a person or learn, because it's not what they taught you or in line with the upbringing you had or where they see them/you coming from. You've absolutely nailed so much about the dynamic of this in your comment and how ultimately we are limited in creating resolution if the other doesn't care or desire it also.
I have found, with so many School of Life videos that deal with romantic relationships, that the observations and advice apply equally well to platonic relationships of all types.
Agreed, it seems to mostly be about understanding our fears or insecurities and the habits that we picked up in our developing years, particularly from our parents. Botton's work and studying other philosophy definitely helps to better understand and demystify people and ourselves.
Because romantic relationships are also just relationships but with a brand of lust added. You can love in a friendship, but sadly people don't get that.
This works really well when both parties love and respect each other. Narcissists, Machiavellians, psychopaths, and sociopaths may see these questions not as a repair, but as an opportunity to be manipulative.
+@@hadassah6085 That's just an abuser. Stop calling people with mental health abusers for no reason. You can be mentally ill without being abusive and you can be abusive without being mentally ill.
It's always about anger and fear. The two most potent emotions underlying every negative event in a relationship. They all build up insidiously until it got so big we wonder how we got here and then all tumbles down. Great video as always fam. ♥️ ❤❤
Anger comes from fear. You're afraid but that feels like being helpless so you're brain decides to be angry instead because that feels active and powerful. Anger is a way of expressing fear without admitting that you're afraid. So, you might say that anger is a cowardly way of expressing fear.
@@Awfki Anger *can be* a way of expressing fear without admitting it (cowardice), although it might it not also be a way of expressing that despite already communicated fear, you aren't actually helpless and will not permit continued violations of some discussed boundary.
@@SoulControlla99 True, true.. 😂 BUT, I hardly think some unreasonable person could be calm and collected enough to 1) want to talk about anything and 2) even watch a video about it. But I thinking of a VERY unreasonable person. 😁 For that my comment above.
What about "How did I make you sad"? Since disappointed expecations can also result in sadness rather than only anger. I really feel this is missing here. What do you guys think about it?
You can't MAKE someone else feel anything. If someone is upset that you didn't meet their expectations, they made themselves upset. Not you. That isn't something you are responsible for.
@@mydogeatspukewe're all responsible to the people around us but not responsible for them. there's a blurry and eternally indefinite line between something that's unreasonable and something that's reasonable to be upset about
@@mydogeatspuke it is because you claim that not meeting expectations is someone else's problem when a relationship is a transaction between two people. if you're upset about your expectations not being met, if you're upset you couldn't meet someone's expectations - it's not black and white as to who's fault it is or who should take responsibility. it's completely nuanced to the situation - how well expectations have been communicated, how reasonable the expectations are, etc etc etc
I can say, without a doubt, that this is one of the best youtube channels out there in the entirety of the platform, making better the lives of the viewers and their friends and loved ones. Great work, as always!
This is very smart! Behind the questions is: How am I failing to change for the better? (And thus create anger) How have I changed unpredictably? (And thus scare you?) By solving these we can manage any change in a relationship.
@Skargar - It's been very hard for me to accept the truth that some people are totally satisfied with who they are now and don't want to change at all. I can't even conceive of not wanting to try to keep on trying to improve.
We gain our biggest freedom when we allow ourselves not to have to carry the worry about everyone else. People do all kind of idiotic stuff, and when we can accept that and worry more about ourselves, then life is a lot easier. Took me 25 years.
I really appreciate the similitude with the maintainance to fix a device mentioned at 2:33: really suitable, simple, and clear. I wish I had known it earlier in my life
Even though, these questions are so very important in a relationship. My boyfriend and I have made it important that we communicate when something isn't going right. And it's SO refreshing!
These are two seemingly simple yet absolutely great questions. And I feel like it can help cover a lot of ground in terms of the many different things that can be going wrong in a relationship. I really want to send him this video but I just don't know if he's gonna be open-minded & accepting enough to actually make use of it..
I come to this channel whenever I feel like maybe I want a partner. I always leave happy that I’m single cause all this seems awful and way too much to deal with :3
I don't think it's for everyone. That being said, it's one of those challenges that is hard work, but pays off with incredible life experiences. There are many different kinds of life experiences, and the ones that you have with others is unique. And of course, it doesn't have to be romantic... but again, there is a special flavour to that as well. It's all up to you but just wanted to say that it's hard work that pays off, if you want to.
@@ChiefTJBallout Perhaps you haven't met them yet. There are a lot of different people in the world and I doubt you've met them. Self-fulfilling prophecy won't help you... don't be desperate but don't count it out, and who knows what will happen 🙂
@@thekillerbunny yeah, reminds me of when people are like, why would you have a baby, its so much work, so little sleep. I mean yeah but you're forgetting the part about the happiness and fullfillment it brings you internally, similar to relationships, they make you feel whole sometimes, it's not just about having a pretty person to your side.
Depends on your partner. If they are amazing and you want to keep them around the motivation you feel is completely involuntary. You feel this desire to keep them forever and make sure they're happy, so it excites you to be better. If you don't love the person then yeah being single is amazing!
I think this is very good advice for people who not only have a genuine interest in making a relationship work, but also are emotionally mature enough to be present in these situations.
this video is so sweet.. the little thread, clay and paper animations are comforting for their organic nature i also like that the f word and middle finger were shown without being blurred or covered with stickers. our feelings are real and not to be ashamed of.
Brilliant and truly excellent, as always. It seems to me that the School of Life has become a place that simplifies complex topics by isolating the root issues, causes, etc. and then offering practical advice for addressing the topic from the once complex but now simple perspective. That is a great idea and not at all easily to pull off. I really appreciate it. Thank you. : )
School o f Life is one of my favourite TH-cam channels and now I feel like I can't do without it. It brings so much clarity in one's life. Now I started doing my own videos about all sorts of aspects of life. 😊
This works very well with non narcissistic people committed to the relationship as a equal member and a unified team. Add any narcissistic trait or worse a covert or overt narcissist, this idea goes in the garbage.
Its a very interesting quote but i cant seem to understand it very well. Does it mean that we always tend to underestimate the outcome of our first attempt at anything? Like being skeptical anything would actually change
This works as long as your partner doesn't have a bad habit of blaming you for all their unhappiness in the relationship all of the time, due to a lack of self awareness. It's equally important to realise that you can't solve all their underlying issues for them by changing who you are. Otherwise great video if you are able to read the nuance in it.
its a shame that so many people in the comment section would rather be bitter and continue to whine about how "my PARTNER is wrong, not ME! absolutely not!" i dont get these people lmao, they have a chance to be happy and work on their relationship and turn it into something beautiful, yet they CHOOSE to be miserable
I calmly told my husband he'd upset me speaking down to me last week and always questioning me. He didn't agree and it escalated and he asked me to leave- locking me out of the room. He is never wrong and he never apologises. Ever.😢
please look up these personality disorders : Cluster B disorders. There are several..my whole family is like this..i slowly disconnected/let go of most people over the years. There is no cure for these people. Whenever you recognize the personality disorder that your husband has, you will be able to find some advice on how to cope with the person..remember, it is not your fault and NO you nor any dr can fix these people. I do not answer or engage in an argument, because that is what the other person wants. I think this is also some kind of attention seeking issue. My mother is like this too. I don't talk to her.
Those are good questions. The main feeling blocking my love is anger. I felt angry when he woke me up out of a dead sleep because I moved his broken computer out of the living room. He could’ve waited until the next morning to ask me where I put it. Every time he misplaces or loses something he acts like a maniac in a panic tearing up the house and going in circles to find it. I usually always find the item for him in the most obvious place. His doctor gave him Clonidine to take when he can’t calm down.
Considering people who are watching this probably aren't abusive partners, I believe the second question would be worded better as something along the lines of, "What have I done to lose your trust lately?"
Oh man, if only this was posted a week ago… this was exactly the conversation I needed to have with my now ex 😢 I’ll be using this tool in the future. Thank you for this video
I can totally relate to how you feel. At the beginning of this month I had my heart broken by someone I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with. We were almost at 2 years just 2 months shy. Wish I knew how to communicate like this and maybe we’d still be together 😭
You fight, you see the problem, you solve the problem and everything is normal. This is how it should be, if you can't live without each other. You are not the problem, the problem is the problem.
That sounds good on paper. Sometimes it goes, why are you angry. Tells why. "THAT NEVER HAPPENED YOU ALWAYS..." although for healthy relationships good advice.
I'd think the answers to these two questions could easily illicit negative emotional responses. A more positive way to phrase it could be, "name a couple of things that you would like me to change to improve our relationship?"
that's super open ended lol and I feel could sway into many other conversations rather than the specifics of noting the building resentments between the two of you. also, sometimes things don't necessarily need to be changed but you just need to be listened to.
@@MusiicRoolz interesting take, and you think those two questions from the video are not open ended? This two questions address emotions, I.e., angry and scare, which would solicit emotional responses back and forth that may escalate pretty quickly. Suggestions of changes might be simpler, as calling ahead if going to be late, etc. Such requests would be more tolerable. In essence, questions that could be asked easier and solicit replies that could be taken easier. We are talking about baby step 1.0 here. Just a suggestion.
Yes it could elicit negative emotional responses that's the point. To let them out and be heard and understood for them. It is important to adress these issues directly. Your question sounds like a follow up question that can be asked for a way forward after the first two
@@No_Name_2604 "to let them out and be heard," really? You think the average couple could actually be capable of handling such engagement that require extreme high IQ, without a professional counselor on the side to facilitate? The average Mary and Joe really could handle those two questions?
These are the sort of questions you can ask in the ideal relationship where you don't need to ask these questions. Lala land. Anyone who's handled a really difficult relationship might be intimidated by these questions. With the best will in the world. It's still a relationship and you may have children and be working at it as long as you can
these questions certainly are a good way of saving a relationship. but i feel like the main goal should be a relationship in which both parties are brutally honest while also always having the best intentions for their partner. having someone tell you what bothers them while being constructive and supporting without you having to ask is such a healthy thing for a relationship. if both partners have no ego and tell each other everything that bothers them in the relationship you truly become one unit that simply wants to improve. its easy to not get angry at your partner when you know that that person only has the best intentions for you and they simply made a mistake or didnt meet your expectations in some way. and when you dont get mad, but rather act in an understanding way and want to search for a solution together it makes it pretty easy for your partner to be open. edit: ofc im talking about mistakes and behaviour that is excusable, not about cheating etc.
Finally happy to have My Ex back after we separated for 6 months, Thanks for making this possible, want to fix your relationship issues, I recommend this relationship Physician
I can see the benefit of asking if one has angered their partner. However, scared seems a bit weird. Iw ould have thought there were better questions such as "let down" etc...
You: im trying to understand you better so we can be fine (If not, they're probably the problem, relationships should be able to talk and effectively come out of whatever was going on)
This assumes you are not dealing with a bad actor. Someone stewing in anger about how boring their partner's friends are sounds like the type of BS bad actors use to start fights and control their partner with. Relationships require a person to know what is unacceptable behavior and to always be able and willing to walk away when your partner treats you in that unacceptable way. Without this you will die a death of a 1000 gut punches. Loving yourself enough to walk isn't optional in a functional relationships.
These questions don't sit well with me. I think two better questions are: 1. How have I dissapointed you recently? 2. Is there something about me you find frustrating these days?
This is interesting. I’m thinking my partner might be telling me already, though not with words. I should pay more attention mood changes that seem to have no apparent cause. Do a little replay of what happened before the mood. Thanks.
Where do you find these enlightened partners who can take such information and never make it personal or proceed to self-monitor obsessively for the rest of eternity (after your confession), in fear of not upsetting you in the same way again? Are most people capable hearing something they perhaps very justifiably did that upset their partner and not take it the least bit personally week after week, year after year?
Yeah, if you find the right person. I actually do have a constructive conversation with my partner where we will (metaphorically) put a lil flag up and say “hey, it made me upset when you did ____.” Nobody yells or screams, we just talk it out. And usually it takes humility to say “I did do that… I realize that was not great. I’m sorry” but the other partner can also understand your reasoning, that you aren’t perfect, etc.
A dear friend and I parted ways recently after some harsh words and targeted animosity. There was no goodbye, no long talk, just a "see ya," and neither of us have spoken since. As much as I'd like to try to talk to her and find out what's going on, I just feel like the relationship is mendable but shouldn't be mended.
I think the difficulty comes not only in getting the questions asked and answered but also getting both parties to listen to the answer…a family member recently asked me why I was angry and then immediately began to attack me…it’s been going on almost a week (verbally), rather than listen to the answer. 🤷♀️
Me: What are you angry about? Her: You’ve gotten fat, you don’t make enough money and you don’t like to go on vacation to Europe with me. Me: Ok… er, and how have I scared you recently? Her: I got scared that you’ll remain fat, won’t muster ambition to make more money, and never go to France with me! Me: Ok… that scares me and also makes me angry… at you!
I would say NO, the response should IMO be disappointment, followed by a practical discussion with your partner about what expectations are reasonable/achievable and acceptance of the result. Having said that, I've observed that most of us, on at least some level, feel entitled to have our expectations met (regardless of whether they were reasonable or fair) and get angry when that false boundary is not fulfilled. Recognizing this in ourselves can help us be good partners. Recognizing it in others can help us own what we are dealing with and decide how best to respond. (My two cents, feel free to ignore. 😁)
anger isnt the right word, no anger is a weird thing, its only ever a cover-up emotion, used to hide and protect oneself when you are in fact scared or hurt or sad, but due to current circumstances cant show it pretty much any situation where someone is angry, there is something hiding underneath - it can actually be quite a good anger management technique to try and search for what it is that the anger is hiding, tends to defuse the situation a bit but in general, if you arent angry with your partner for having upset you, id say thats a good thing, not a sign that youre experiencing emotions wrong
My ex and I had the same argument every January. On what I didn’t know was our last one; that we could have recorded last year’s argument and played it back.
Thanks, School of Life! I would like some of your videos to have Hungarian subtitles so much, I would like to translate them. Is there a way to add new subtitles to your videos?
One way more important question comes before: are we willing to make it work? If yes, then we should really listen to each other. If no, then why bother?
I absolutely loved this video and agree with its very wise message. Thank you! But I still wanted to make the point that boundaries are as important as reparations. So I wonder whether I really should apologise to someone because he finds my friends boring or my job not good enough. My friendships are the most important relationships I have and I love my job. So if that partner feels " let down and angry" by these, I would kindly tell him to find another girlfriend. I guess it would be better to make these things clear at the beginning of the relationship, so that the other person knows where the boundaries are. Because you don't feel that easily " entitled" to feel angry and let down, if you know beforehand how close your lives are supposed to be . When two lives emerge too much, no matter how often you apologise ,you may not be able to save each other from suffocating. But once the boundaries are clear, I wholeheartedly agree with the message of this wise lesson. If you want to ask more profound questions to your partner I would highly recommend the " 100 Questions. A Toolkit for Relationships" by TSOL. I gave it as a wedding present a few times and my friends said that it was very helpful! It is also good to know how horrible things can get if you don't do the work. So watching these 3 movies , each of which describe a unique hell, can be very effective too: -Scenes from a Marriage, by Ingmar Bergman -Who is afraid of Virginia Woolf,by Mike Nichols -Before Midnight, by Richard Linklater Thank you so much as always for this heartwarming lesson!🥰🥰
I don't think the video regards apologizing, of course we must evaluate and see if the action described by the parter needs an apology, but most importantly I think this video is trying to highlight how important it is to work in communication, to listen your partner worries and issues, as the video says is no a search for culprits or faults.
@@tinnytiny1742 Hello there! Thanks a lot for your message! Oh you are absolutely right. I also totally agree with the message of this lesson. But since it does mention the word " apology" ( around 1.30 ) , I thought it is important to think about when to be apologetic and when not. For things we "did or said", that came across as hurtful, we can always apologise. But our job ( if we are lucky ) and our friendships are very much about "who we are" in this world. I wouldn't apologise for that. Besides, your partner knew who your friends were and what you did for living when they met you. It is interesting and concerning that over time they feel "entitled" to get angry about these things. So I just found this example problematic, you know... But I agree with all the rest! Once again, thanks a lot for your time! Best wishes!🥰😍
The only thing that makes me irritated about several ex-partners is that I have to ask these questions and that they always have an answer. I don't harbor things that would need maintenance, so why do I constantly have to check in with them? Over time this is the only thing that builds annoyance and eventually leads to a break-up, and it comes as a surprise ("but everything was going so well" - yeah, because I was constantly checking in with you and assuaging your emotions). I can't directly tell them that this is what annoys me because it's "healthy" and I would rather this than have them bottle up their silly greivances. I'd just rather they didn't have them in the first place.
I think this could be too simplistic in some situations. My partner knows I'm angry with him, and besides going onto an anti depressant to curb my outbursts, the anger still simmers, as his actions have lifelong consequences and daily reminders. If only having boring friends and being untidy were real anger issues! These are trivial annoyances. And divorce isn't an option. Maybe murder. I don't think there is an option for festering resentment. One learns to live with it, and take it day by day, some days are better than others.
Me: what are you angry with me about? Him: IM NOT ANGRY WITH YOU IM JUST ANGRY LET ME BE ANGRY AND STOP SCREAMING STOP WHEN IM DRIVING JUST TRUST ME AND WHEN IM SMASHING THINGS DONT TELL ME TO CALM DOWN WAIT TIL IM CALM TO TALK TO ME BUT IM NOT ANGRY AT YOU IM ANGRY AT EVERYTHING What now school of life?
Let him be angry? But just not with you on the room, but on his own, probably Idk I'm not professional, his someone who had anger issues and hurt people who she care about and found calming alone the best option (until later i went to therapy and got most of the issues out and heal most of what needed to be healed.. and yeah, different story, but could be, or just let go)
Perhaps still worth setting aside some of our own assumptions and asking our partner so they have the chance to be heard, which is the most important part
If I were your partner, I'd certainly still give you the ability to speak your mind before I say "It's probably just the cancer." Those assumptions take away your agency and make it out to be that cancer is the only thing going on with you and your relationship. Sorry to hear about your condition. I hope you beat it :(
If your partner were to ask you these two questions, what would be your answer? Let us know in the comments
None 😂
My answer would be: You being committed to your family irritates me, I feel like you’re not prioritizing me anymore even though you promise to change after the wedding. I’m scared that you won’t prove me wrong and be committed to your family for the rest of your life.
Not paying attention, not reciprocating my commitment.
Do we have to wait for them to ask? I believe we can also communicate it by ourselves, right? I mean.. if they are around.
Thank you, those are good questions @schooloflife
Excellent video! The thing I'm angry about is the same thing that scares me, ie. that he does not plan for the future, so I often feel like the only adult. He would say that I always find something that needs to be worked on and ask why I can't just be happy with the way things are now. For those who know the MBTI, this is what happens when an "N" type marries an "S" type. We've discussed this many times, and it is part of the 69% of things in most marriages that are just not solvable.
I asked my ex once: "Do I scare you sometimes?", because I sometimes felt she was fearful of telling me about things that were bothering her, and it resulted in a tearful emotion breakdown in the middle of the night. I feel like that could've been prevented if I'd asked that question way sooner and frequently.
Oh damn. I was fearful of my bf sometimes, I was keeping shut like your ex so as not to add my worries to his worries. But one day he asked me that question. I said yes, sometimes. Then he told me, why should I fear another person? He told me I should fight back. He told me I have claws. That nobody can control me, only I can control me. He told me to overpower him if I felt he was too powerful. He said, I shouldn't be afraid, he won't do anything to hurt me. He was right. Since then I have learned to keep my backbone. Our relationship improved immensely and I am thankful to him for inspiring courage in me for me.
@@LA-cm9uowell you're lucky he actually means the things he says.
@@LA-cm9uo Thank you, this opened my eyes a bit. My situation is a bit different but I think your story can help me.
@@sensoryoverload673 What's your situation?
@@LA-cm9uo damn that is some good ass partner you got there. Smart, adult, and supportive. Hope your relationship grows further
I wish these questions were regularly used in parent-child relationship as well.
We would definitely live in a better world
FOR REAL!
We’ve asked our oldest (26) these questions multiple times over the past 5 years. She went low contact with us then went no contact. When we asked the questions, she couldn’t and wouldn’t answer. Her sister asked her and she did the same to her. They were extremely close up until a month ago. We never got involved in their relationship. All of a sudden, our oldest sent a nasty text to her sister and that was that. She did go off her medication despite our pleas to continue taking it. We’re heartbroken and feel lost 😞. Our precious child is in trouble and we can’t do a thing to help her.
Damned straight. My parents scared the shit out of me so bad growing up and they still do well into adulthood. I see it as no small part of my generalized anxiety disorder, CPTSD, and frequent panic attacks. And when I tried to talk to them about it they repeatedly told me to piss off in so many words. And yet they are they only "family" I have.
I’ve tried with my mom but she claims to forget all the hurtful things she says and does. I think she’s gaslighting me.
This reminds me of an episode I had with my mum recently. She made me really upset when she made a nasty comment about my body, despite knowing how insecure I am about it. When I tried to help her understand why it hurt me, even if it wasn’t her intention, she simply wouldn’t budge. And that scared me; that my mother, whom I’ve adored and yearned for affection from all these years, would choose her ego over properly mending her relationship with her daughter. It’s not the antecedent that upsets me anymore, it’s the aftermath of her reaction that has truly broken my heart.
You're so right, sometimes the problem isn't just about being afraid to take a step in the right direction. It also happens that we do whatever we can to improve things on our side, we become more concious and open to other perspectives, more brave to admit our mistakes and willing to fix all our failures, we're ready to communicate clearly, set boundaries and goals regarding our relationship with the other person, we are focused on negotiating terms and find win-win solutions and everything that those selfp-help recources recommend...
Only to be confronted with a reaction that shows us that the other person isn't on that same page, they may not be there just yet or they aren't even willing to walk that particular path at all, not for us, not for themselves and not for the relationship. It's so disheartening. Either way it's an important choice point for any relationship, because you have to decide what you can let go of and what you can't. You have to ask yourself if you are willing or able to have a one-sided relationship, if you can be fine, even if you will never be understood by the other person, how much energy you want to put in it from now on, what boundaries would need to be set and upheld for that relationship to exist in the future and so on...
It's total BS to just assume, that if you tell your loved ones about your feelings and needs and communicate your boundaries clearly, (like all therapists tend to say) that you will be respected for doing that because teh people closest to you really care about you and want you to be happy, so they will be supportive of such attempts and they will actively participate and then share their own feelings in a similar way. That assumption is simply not true and causes a great deal of suffering to everyone who was desperate for answers on how to improve relationships, implements the best strategies for communication and care and then gets rejected or even ridiculed by their loved ones for those attempts, because they are not willing to put in the work to save the relationship on their side. Sometimes we just have to accept that we did all we could to fix things, but we got ourselves up to a breaking point and a refusal of cooperation may just be the end of that particular relationship. ;(
Most parents never accept that their child is an individual person and not a creature made from and for their own ego.
Even as their children become adults, they still will never accept it.
It is quite something to realize how broken parenting generally is.
Be careful some humans are incapable of empathy…
This comment thread made me feel understood…
@@Seamannon👏👌👍 What an amazing comment that says so much on this subject and how if their ego won't allow them to come to that place with you, instead they will stand where they are and shame you for trying to evolve or grow. To be better as a person or learn, because it's not what they taught you or in line with the upbringing you had or where they see them/you coming from.
You've absolutely nailed so much about the dynamic of this in your comment and how ultimately we are limited in creating resolution if the other doesn't care or desire it also.
I have found, with so many School of Life videos that deal with romantic relationships, that the observations and advice apply equally well to platonic relationships of all types.
Agreed, it seems to mostly be about understanding our fears or insecurities and the habits that we picked up in our developing years, particularly from our parents. Botton's work and studying other philosophy definitely helps to better understand and demystify people and ourselves.
Because romantic relationships are also just relationships but with a brand of lust added. You can love in a friendship, but sadly people don't get that.
This works really well when both parties love and respect each other. Narcissists, Machiavellians, psychopaths, and sociopaths may see these questions not as a repair, but as an opportunity to be manipulative.
just stay away from those!
But how do you tell one from the other?
@@jonnovak6856they consistently hurt you and use any emotions you have, to keep power over you.
I think the key to a situation like that is to leave. If people are persistent on wearing you down, they are not worth having around.
+@@hadassah6085 That's just an abuser. Stop calling people with mental health abusers for no reason. You can be mentally ill without being abusive and you can be abusive without being mentally ill.
It's always about anger and fear. The two most potent emotions underlying every negative event in a relationship. They all build up insidiously until it got so big we wonder how we got here and then all tumbles down. Great video as always fam. ♥️ ❤❤
Well said
Anger comes from fear. You're afraid but that feels like being helpless so you're brain decides to be angry instead because that feels active and powerful. Anger is a way of expressing fear without admitting that you're afraid. So, you might say that anger is a cowardly way of expressing fear.
@@Awfki Anger *can be* a way of expressing fear without admitting it (cowardice), although it might it not also be a way of expressing that despite already communicated fear, you aren't actually helpless and will not permit continued violations of some discussed boundary.
Tried and it worked. Great way to open up a dialogue with your partner in a constructive manner. The hardest part is definitely taking the first step.
This works brilliantly until ... *You can't reason with an unreasonable person*
So true lol
"Should I be in a relationship with an unreasonable person?"
"Why am I in a relationship with an unreasonable person?"
The funny thing is, it's always the other person who's unreasonable...
@@SoulControlla99 True, true.. 😂 BUT, I hardly think some unreasonable person could be calm and collected enough to 1) want to talk about anything and 2) even watch a video about it.
But I thinking of a VERY unreasonable person. 😁 For that my comment above.
Immature person
My wife and I have issues, but luckily we communicate our issues pretty quick. Been working for over ten years. 😂
communication is the key, in the end!
Have you ever broke up from time to time and then got back ?
What about "How did I make you sad"? Since disappointed expecations can also result in sadness rather than only anger. I really feel this is missing here. What do you guys think about it?
Yes, definitely.
You can't MAKE someone else feel anything. If someone is upset that you didn't meet their expectations, they made themselves upset. Not you. That isn't something you are responsible for.
@@mydogeatspukewe're all responsible to the people around us but not responsible for them. there's a blurry and eternally indefinite line between something that's unreasonable and something that's reasonable to be upset about
@@MusiicRoolz literally nothing to do with anything I said. Completely different thing.
@@mydogeatspuke it is because you claim that not meeting expectations is someone else's problem when a relationship is a transaction between two people. if you're upset about your expectations not being met, if you're upset you couldn't meet someone's expectations - it's not black and white as to who's fault it is or who should take responsibility. it's completely nuanced to the situation - how well expectations have been communicated, how reasonable the expectations are, etc etc etc
I can say, without a doubt, that this is one of the best youtube channels out there in the entirety of the platform, making better the lives of the viewers and their friends and loved ones. Great work, as always!
This is very smart! Behind the questions is:
How am I failing to change for the better? (And thus create anger)
How have I changed unpredictably? (And thus scare you?)
By solving these we can manage any change in a relationship.
@Skargar - It's been very hard for me to accept the truth that some people are totally satisfied with who they are now and don't want to change at all. I can't even conceive of not wanting to try to keep on trying to improve.
We gain our biggest freedom when we allow ourselves not to have to carry the worry about everyone else. People do all kind of idiotic stuff, and when we can accept that and worry more about ourselves, then life is a lot easier. Took me 25 years.
I really appreciate the similitude with the maintainance to fix a device mentioned at 2:33: really suitable, simple, and clear. I wish I had known it earlier in my life
Even though, these questions are so very important in a relationship. My boyfriend and I have made it important that we communicate when something isn't going right. And it's SO refreshing!
Superb advice.
It requires courage and humility to maintain a relationship.
❤
These are two seemingly simple yet absolutely great questions. And I feel like it can help cover a lot of ground in terms of the many different things that can be going wrong in a relationship. I really want to send him this video but I just don't know if he's gonna be open-minded & accepting enough to actually make use of it..
I come to this channel whenever I feel like maybe I want a partner. I always leave happy that I’m single cause all this seems awful and way too much to deal with :3
too me its more that i know nobody will care enough to try to live up to these ideas
I don't think it's for everyone. That being said, it's one of those challenges that is hard work, but pays off with incredible life experiences. There are many different kinds of life experiences, and the ones that you have with others is unique. And of course, it doesn't have to be romantic... but again, there is a special flavour to that as well. It's all up to you but just wanted to say that it's hard work that pays off, if you want to.
@@ChiefTJBallout Perhaps you haven't met them yet. There are a lot of different people in the world and I doubt you've met them. Self-fulfilling prophecy won't help you... don't be desperate but don't count it out, and who knows what will happen 🙂
@@thekillerbunny yeah, reminds me of when people are like, why would you have a baby, its so much work, so little sleep. I mean yeah but you're forgetting the part about the happiness and fullfillment it brings you internally, similar to relationships, they make you feel whole sometimes, it's not just about having a pretty person to your side.
Depends on your partner. If they are amazing and you want to keep them around the motivation you feel is completely involuntary. You feel this desire to keep them forever and make sure they're happy, so it excites you to be better. If you don't love the person then yeah being single is amazing!
I think this is very good advice for people who not only have a genuine interest in making a relationship work, but also are emotionally mature enough to be present in these situations.
And also people who have a level of self awareness so as not to entirely blame their unhappiness on another person too. Balance is key
what a noble job you are doing by spreading love!! Great!!
this video is so sweet.. the little thread, clay and paper animations are comforting for their organic nature
i also like that the f word and middle finger were shown without being blurred or covered with stickers. our feelings are real and not to be ashamed of.
Brilliant and truly excellent, as always. It seems to me that the School of Life has become a place that simplifies complex topics by isolating the root issues, causes, etc. and then offering practical advice for addressing the topic from the once complex but now simple perspective. That is a great idea and not at all easily to pull off. I really appreciate it. Thank you. : )
Tks for making the video
It’s useful for me right now.
Glad to hear it!
School o f Life is one of my favourite TH-cam channels and now I feel like I can't do without it. It brings so much clarity in one's life. Now I started doing my own videos about all sorts of aspects of life. 😊
Like a hammer to a nail. You drove it first try. And you built a mighty school. That was extremely enlightening. You’re all geniuses!! Ty
This video just found me waiting for my partner after some misunderstanding yesterday.
I'll ask these to my malignant narcissist boss.
I'm sure it'll go well.
lmao
This works very well with non narcissistic people committed to the relationship as a equal member and a unified team. Add any narcissistic trait or worse a covert or overt narcissist, this idea goes in the garbage.
So true. also does not work with a partner who has substance abuse issues
Narcissist kills this in no time 😔🎭
"It's impossible to overestimate the value of a first step."
A QUOTE I WON'T FORGET.
Its a very interesting quote but i cant seem to understand it very well. Does it mean that we always tend to underestimate the outcome of our first attempt at anything? Like being skeptical anything would actually change
1. What are you angry about?
2. How have I scared you recently?
1. You giving away the spoilers
2. I've just told you
😜
2 effective questions:
1. What are you angry with me about ?
2. How have i scare you recently?
Have 2 calm spirit : gentle openness & curiousity
This works as long as your partner doesn't have a bad habit of blaming you for all their unhappiness in the relationship all of the time, due to a lack of self awareness. It's equally important to realise that you can't solve all their underlying issues for them by changing who you are. Otherwise great video if you are able to read the nuance in it.
Healthiest channel advice out here 🎉❤
its a shame that so many people in the comment section would rather be bitter and continue to whine about how "my PARTNER is wrong, not ME! absolutely not!"
i dont get these people lmao, they have a chance to be happy and work on their relationship and turn it into something beautiful, yet they CHOOSE to be miserable
Loved that last slide with the tool rack and the descriptions beside each one.
I calmly told my husband he'd upset me speaking down to me last week and always questioning me.
He didn't agree and it escalated and he asked me to leave- locking me out of the room.
He is never wrong and he never apologises. Ever.😢
Maybe it’s time to leave…
please look up these personality disorders : Cluster B disorders. There are several..my whole family is like this..i slowly disconnected/let go of most people over the years. There is no cure for these people. Whenever you recognize the personality disorder that your husband has, you will be able to find some advice on how to cope with the person..remember, it is not your fault and NO you nor any dr can fix these people. I do not answer or engage in an argument, because that is what the other person wants. I think this is also some kind of attention seeking issue. My mother is like this too. I don't talk to her.
His response is textbook emotional abuse.
Those are good questions. The main feeling blocking my love is anger. I felt angry when he woke me up out of a dead sleep because I moved his broken computer out of the living room. He could’ve waited until the next morning to ask me where I put it. Every time he misplaces or loses something he acts like a maniac in a panic tearing up the house and going in circles to find it. I usually always find the item for him in the most obvious place. His doctor gave him Clonidine to take when he can’t calm down.
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Considering people who are watching this probably aren't abusive partners, I believe the second question would be worded better as something along the lines of, "What have I done to lose your trust lately?"
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Oh man, if only this was posted a week ago… this was exactly the conversation I needed to have with my now ex 😢 I’ll be using this tool in the future. Thank you for this video
I can totally relate to how you feel. At the beginning of this month I had my heart broken by someone I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with. We were almost at 2 years just 2 months shy. Wish I knew how to communicate like this and maybe we’d still be together 😭
You fight, you see the problem, you solve the problem and everything is normal. This is how it should be, if you can't live without each other. You are not the problem, the problem is the problem.
That sounds good on paper. Sometimes it goes, why are you angry. Tells why. "THAT NEVER HAPPENED YOU ALWAYS..."
although for healthy relationships good advice.
I'd think the answers to these two questions could easily illicit negative emotional responses. A more positive way to phrase it could be, "name a couple of things that you would like me to change to improve our relationship?"
that's super open ended lol and I feel could sway into many other conversations rather than the specifics of noting the building resentments between the two of you. also, sometimes things don't necessarily need to be changed but you just need to be listened to.
@@MusiicRoolz interesting take, and you think those two questions from the video are not open ended? This two questions address emotions, I.e., angry and scare, which would solicit emotional responses back and forth that may escalate pretty quickly. Suggestions of changes might be simpler, as calling ahead if going to be late, etc. Such requests would be more tolerable. In essence, questions that could be asked easier and solicit replies that could be taken easier. We are talking about baby step 1.0 here. Just a suggestion.
Yes it could elicit negative emotional responses that's the point. To let them out and be heard and understood for them. It is important to adress these issues directly. Your question sounds like a follow up question that can be asked for a way forward after the first two
@@No_Name_2604 "to let them out and be heard," really? You think the average couple could actually be capable of handling such engagement that require extreme high IQ, without a professional counselor on the side to facilitate? The average Mary and Joe really could handle those two questions?
These are the sort of questions you can ask in the ideal relationship where you don't need to ask these questions.
Lala land. Anyone who's handled a really difficult relationship might be intimidated by these questions. With the best will in the world. It's still a relationship and you may have children and be working at it as long as you can
these questions certainly are a good way of saving a relationship. but i feel like the main goal should be a relationship in which both parties are brutally honest while also always having the best intentions for their partner. having someone tell you what bothers them while being constructive and supporting without you having to ask is such a healthy thing for a relationship.
if both partners have no ego and tell each other everything that bothers them in the relationship you truly become one unit that simply wants to improve.
its easy to not get angry at your partner when you know that that person only has the best intentions for you and they simply made a mistake or didnt meet your expectations in some way. and when you dont get mad, but rather act in an understanding way and want to search for a solution together it makes it pretty easy for your partner to be open.
edit: ofc im talking about mistakes and behaviour that is excusable, not about cheating etc.
Number One:
I don't like how you make me feel.
Number Two:
I CAN'T make you feel anything you don't want to.
Problem: Eternal.
Finally happy to have My Ex back after we separated for 6 months, Thanks for making this possible, want to fix your relationship issues, I recommend this relationship Physician
What do you do when you tell them sweetly and politely too many times but it's part of their character that won't change....move on.
I'll ad those to our family conference.
Thank you!
I can see the benefit of asking if one has angered their partner. However, scared seems a bit weird. Iw ould have thought there were better questions such as "let down" etc...
You: "What are you angry at me about?"
Partner: "If you don't know then I'm even angrier."
You: im trying to understand you better so we can be fine
(If not, they're probably the problem, relationships should be able to talk and effectively come out of whatever was going on)
This assumes you are not dealing with a bad actor. Someone stewing in anger about how boring their partner's friends are sounds like the type of BS bad actors use to start fights and control their partner with. Relationships require a person to know what is unacceptable behavior and to always be able and willing to walk away when your partner treats you in that unacceptable way. Without this you will die a death of a 1000 gut punches. Loving yourself enough to walk isn't optional in a functional relationships.
Bars 👏👌💯
Hope people read this comment!!🙏
This is a very apt and poignant point. ❤
❤
These questions don't sit well with me. I think two better questions are:
1. How have I dissapointed you recently?
2. Is there something about me you find frustrating these days?
These are wise questions... into my pocket they go!
wow some of the best advice I've heard !!!! Thank you!!!
This stuff is always helpful. Thank you!!!!!
This is interesting. I’m thinking my partner might be telling me already, though not with words. I should pay more attention mood changes that seem to have no apparent cause. Do a little replay of what happened before the mood. Thanks.
Where do you find these enlightened partners who can take such information and never make it personal or proceed to self-monitor obsessively for the rest of eternity (after your confession), in fear of not upsetting you in the same way again?
Are most people capable hearing something they perhaps very justifiably did that upset their partner and not take it the least bit personally week after week, year after year?
Yeah, if you find the right person. I actually do have a constructive conversation with my partner where we will (metaphorically) put a lil flag up and say “hey, it made me upset when you did ____.” Nobody yells or screams, we just talk it out. And usually it takes humility to say “I did do that… I realize that was not great. I’m sorry” but the other partner can also understand your reasoning, that you aren’t perfect, etc.
That was unexpectedly wise. Ty 💜
A dear friend and I parted ways recently after some harsh words and targeted animosity. There was no goodbye, no long talk, just a "see ya," and neither of us have spoken since. As much as I'd like to try to talk to her and find out what's going on, I just feel like the relationship is mendable but shouldn't be mended.
I know what you mean
Have to be with reasonably sane person though
...you can't reason
with a person that puts EMOTIONS above reasoning.
I really need this… that second question
The question is how do we answer these questions openly if our conversation partner will take our honesty personally?
50 % here for Alain's voice
50% here for the message
We frighten people by being messy? Instead of the word scare, you should use trigger... cause that more accurately applies to your description
I think the difficulty comes not only in getting the questions asked and answered but also getting both parties to listen to the answer…a family member recently asked me why I was angry and then immediately began to attack me…it’s been going on almost a week (verbally), rather than listen to the answer. 🤷♀️
❤
what makes one angry? being poor
what does everyone fear? being poor
Great narration and animation.
You overestimate how often I’m maintaining outboard engines.
This, I believe will not work with a narcissist.
Yep, fear and anger go hand and hand.
Me: What are you angry about?
Her: You’ve gotten fat, you don’t make enough money and you don’t like to go on vacation to Europe with me.
Me: Ok… er, and how have I scared you recently?
Her: I got scared that you’ll remain fat, won’t muster ambition to make more money, and never go to France with me!
Me: Ok… that scares me and also makes me angry… at you!
lmaooooo, had to laugh at this
Is ANGER the right word here?
Is the emotion I feel or should feel because my partner is not meeting my expectation an anger?
I would say NO, the response should IMO be disappointment, followed by a practical discussion with your partner about what expectations are reasonable/achievable and acceptance of the result.
Having said that, I've observed that most of us, on at least some level, feel entitled to have our expectations met (regardless of whether they were reasonable or fair) and get angry when that false boundary is not fulfilled.
Recognizing this in ourselves can help us be good partners. Recognizing it in others can help us own what we are dealing with and decide how best to respond.
(My two cents, feel free to ignore. 😁)
anger isnt the right word, no
anger is a weird thing, its only ever a cover-up emotion, used to hide and protect oneself when you are in fact scared or hurt or sad, but due to current circumstances cant show it
pretty much any situation where someone is angry, there is something hiding underneath - it can actually be quite a good anger management technique to try and search for what it is that the anger is hiding, tends to defuse the situation a bit
but in general, if you arent angry with your partner for having upset you, id say thats a good thing, not a sign that youre experiencing emotions wrong
Wow. Simple and Doable ❤
My ex and I had the same argument every January. On what I didn’t know was our last one; that we could have recorded last year’s argument and played it back.
Thank you.
This only works when both of the parties have almost same amount of abilities to communicate
My bf is acting sometimes immaturely and I wanna help him because he means a lot for me. How can I gently genuinely help him ?
Important 2 questions it is!! ❤
Thank You 🙏 ❤
Thanks, School of Life! I would like some of your videos to have Hungarian subtitles so much, I would like to translate them. Is there a way to add new subtitles to your videos?
The more videos I watch of this sort the more resolutely I remain single...life is to short for all this mental warfare.
One way more important question comes before: are we willing to make it work? If yes, then we should really listen to each other. If no, then why bother?
More good videos like this one, please.
I absolutely loved this video and agree with its very wise message. Thank you! But I still wanted to make the point that boundaries are as important as reparations.
So I wonder whether I really should apologise to someone because he finds my friends boring or my job not good enough. My friendships are the most important relationships I have and I love my job. So if that partner feels " let down and angry" by these, I would kindly tell him to find another girlfriend.
I guess it would be better to make these things clear at the beginning of the relationship, so that the other person knows where the boundaries are. Because you don't feel that easily " entitled" to feel angry and let down, if you know beforehand how close your lives are supposed to be .
When two lives emerge too much, no matter how often you apologise ,you may not be able to save each other from suffocating. But once the boundaries are clear, I wholeheartedly agree with the message of this wise lesson.
If you want to ask more profound questions to your partner I would highly recommend the " 100 Questions. A Toolkit for Relationships" by TSOL. I gave it as a wedding present a few times and my friends said that it was very helpful!
It is also good to know how horrible things can get if you don't do the work. So watching these 3 movies , each of which describe a unique hell, can be very effective too:
-Scenes from a Marriage, by Ingmar Bergman
-Who is afraid of Virginia Woolf,by Mike Nichols
-Before Midnight, by Richard Linklater
Thank you so much as always for this heartwarming lesson!🥰🥰
You're very wise. I'm sure it's very easy to love and trust you.
@@vivekamar99 Hello there Vivek! That's so kind of you to say! Thank you so much. Much love to you and to all your loved ones!🥰
@@bolivar1789 Thanks!
I don't think the video regards apologizing, of course we must evaluate and see if the action described by the parter needs an apology, but most importantly I think this video is trying to highlight how important it is to work in communication, to listen your partner worries and issues, as the video says is no a search for culprits or faults.
@@tinnytiny1742 Hello there! Thanks a lot for your message! Oh you are absolutely right. I also totally agree with the message of this lesson. But since it does mention the word " apology" ( around 1.30 ) , I thought it is important to think about when to be apologetic and when not. For things we "did or said", that came across as hurtful, we can always apologise. But our job ( if we are lucky ) and our friendships are very much about "who we are" in this world. I wouldn't apologise for that. Besides, your partner knew who your friends were and what you did for living when they met you. It is interesting and concerning that over time they feel "entitled" to get angry about these things. So I just found this example problematic, you know... But I agree with all the rest!
Once again, thanks a lot for your time! Best wishes!🥰😍
Great questions to ask 😀✨👍✨
This is great and I think this one more thing you need to add to it which is to keep doing it even if one partner says, nothing.
Greet ideal
Difficult to balance with anothers priorities.
Nonetheless good advice in communication 👌
Important information 🎉
Anyone know where I might find a spinning crystal like the one at 1:27 ?
answers:
1. I'M NOT ANGRY WITH YOU ABOUT ANYTHING
2. YOU DON'T SCARE ME
The only thing that makes me irritated about several ex-partners is that I have to ask these questions and that they always have an answer. I don't harbor things that would need maintenance, so why do I constantly have to check in with them? Over time this is the only thing that builds annoyance and eventually leads to a break-up, and it comes as a surprise ("but everything was going so well" - yeah, because I was constantly checking in with you and assuaging your emotions). I can't directly tell them that this is what annoys me because it's "healthy" and I would rather this than have them bottle up their silly greivances. I'd just rather they didn't have them in the first place.
This presumes that both persons want to have a good relationship.
I think this could be too simplistic in some situations. My partner knows I'm angry with him, and besides going onto an anti depressant to curb my outbursts, the anger still simmers, as his actions have lifelong consequences and daily reminders. If only having boring friends and being untidy were real anger issues! These are trivial annoyances. And divorce isn't an option. Maybe murder. I don't think there is an option for festering resentment. One learns to live with it, and take it day by day, some days are better than others.
❤
Me: what are you angry with me about?
Him: IM NOT ANGRY WITH YOU IM JUST ANGRY LET ME BE ANGRY AND STOP SCREAMING STOP WHEN IM DRIVING JUST TRUST ME AND WHEN IM SMASHING THINGS DONT TELL ME TO CALM DOWN WAIT TIL IM CALM TO TALK TO ME BUT IM NOT ANGRY AT YOU IM ANGRY AT EVERYTHING
What now school of life?
Let him be angry? But just not with you on the room, but on his own, probably
Idk I'm not professional, his someone who had anger issues and hurt people who she care about and found calming alone the best option (until later i went to therapy and got most of the issues out and heal most of what needed to be healed.. and yeah, different story, but could be, or just let go)
Very insightful. Thankyou to the crew team from #Tsol
1. what are you angry with me about
2. how have i scared you recently
I didn't know that Sasquatch and the Abominable Snowman
were in a committed relationship 🤷♂️
What is 'positive aggression'?
Thanks
As I was a partner with cancer, I was most of the problem in the relationship. Those two questions are obvious.
Perhaps still worth setting aside some of our own assumptions and asking our partner so they have the chance to be heard, which is the most important part
If I were your partner, I'd certainly still give you the ability to speak your mind before I say "It's probably just the cancer." Those assumptions take away your agency and make it out to be that cancer is the only thing going on with you and your relationship.
Sorry to hear about your condition. I hope you beat it :(
Plz make as a tiktok so I can send to genz friends and expect them to watch