[Full Story] My Homophobic Brother Ruined My Life, Now He Begs for Forgiveness
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 25 ก.ย. 2024
- My Homophobic Brother Sabotaged My Life As A Teen. Now He Wants To Reconcile, But I'm Not Ready To Forgive Him-Even After He Broke Down In Tears.
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People who say "family is everything" are often times the ones who don't realize it's very common for a person's first abusers to be their family members. There are certain lines that you cannot allow anyone to cross, even family.
The guy was a little teenage shit. it happens. he got his shit together and realized how much of a bastard he was acting.
Based on what OP said, doesn't seem like the guy crossed any forbidden lines. Just a little teenage shit.
I think its a really interesting subject because a lot of people think for example "My father hit me and I thank him for that because it make me a good person", they don't question the craziness of that statement and is very common around people, more so for latin americans.
Parents don't recall being "bad" and hitting their child, cursing them, etc.
Sons don't recall being in constant fear of a belt, not being able to do things they wanted because they were going to get hit/screamed at, etc.
I think it's a mix on "tradition" which makes bad or uninformed things "good and undeniable", Stockholm syndrome and probably some "forced bond forgiveness" like when you don't like someone but since you have to be with them anyways you kind of forget their wrongdoings.
I'd have been angry at the boyfriend and parents for pushing the whole "It's family, you have to forgive" line. No one is owed forgiveness.
True, but not forgiving is more about OP than the brother. The douchebag, the brother was as a teen, does not exist anymore.
So holding onto grudge makes OP an AH, especially when the brother is clearly changed.
But at least OP is trying.
@@ultimsing No, it doesn't make OP an AH. as stated, Op doesn't HAVE to forgive, and not doing so does not make someone an AH. OP gets to decide when and if he forgives, and that is not an AH move. You don't know what OP's mental health is like, you don't know what does and doesn't make him tick, so you can't know that it's "about OP". Adults understand that "Sorry" doesn't make everything better. "Sorry" doesn't make all of the things from the past suddenly not have happened. "Sorry" doesn't make the actions he took against OP suddenly have never occurred. "Sorry" is a word, and "Sorry" doesn't earn you forgiveness. The only thing OP would be an AH for doing is caving to the pressure of the ignorant fools who have never been put through the things he went through and doing something that he didn't want to do.
@@raeishimura Of course the past doesn't disappear but holding this grudge is useless here.
If the brother was still an a** then yes, not forgiving would be justified. But here, what justified still being resentful? Does holding on provide something to op?
If OP still carry resentment to protect himself, what he need is actual therapy not a unresolved grudge that clearly will fester since the brother changed and everyone including OP knows it.
But then again OP is trying here.
@ultimsing Pfft. You said "True" to my statement that no one is owed forgiveness, and then turned right around and argued the brother was owed forgiveness. Pick a lane.
Refardless, Changing and growing as a person does not entitle the brother to OP's forgiveness. Not granting forgiveness to someone who has changed does not make OP the AH.
There is nothing intrinsically wrong in withholding forgiveness. Or in forgiving someone but refusing to rebuild a relationship. Cutting someone out of your life for being a toxic influence does not come with a timer that expires if the abuser eventually becomes a better person.
It's about consequences. The consequence of torturing your brother might be that your brother doesn't want shit to do with you ever again, even if you change your behaviors. And that's entirely fair.
@@ultimsing One doesn't have to be resentful to not forgive. Nobody has a right to demand forgiveness. So he changed. Good for him. He still did what he did. Changing does not equal a right to forgiveness. No justification is needed aside from "He severely mistreated me and I don't trust him". There are plenty of people that I have not forgiven for things they do. it doesn't fester. I just don't think about them because what is the point. Would i forgive them if they said "sorry" and had changed? Not a chance. Would i ever give them any more of my time, even if they begged and cried and fell apart over it? Nope. Wouldn't even think twice about them. The brother may have changed, that still doesn't mean he is owed forgiveness. OP is trying, sure. It's OP's choice to do. NOBODY has a right to demand he forgive his brother, nor does his brother have any right to expect it.
Why everybody should forgive (if that is possible), by not forgiving You are holding to negative emotions, it just hurts yourself. I mean forgive, not forget, one can forgive, but not forget and keep distance. Just listen say you forgave, but cannot forget.
I always found weird people who apologies after being a bully or something. It seems such a selfish action for me. The only one who is getting something good out of it is the bully. The bullied gets to revive everything done to them and have to believe this person change and now forgive him based on something the likely less wanted person in the bullies life says.
People don't understand but for example if someone rped your sister and 10 years later he knocks on your door and says "hey sorry man for shooting your sister I'm actually a good person now" would you forgive him? I believe most people wouldn't
So if you as a bully are actually sorry about it, then AT LEAST live your life with the guilt of ruin or at least making someone life worse and don't ever contact them to spare them of having flashbacks of you doing something to them.
Maybe some bullied people (most being light bullied) would like to be visited by the bully to "close a cycle" or something but I don't think is the majority of people.
It is a selfish action, you're right. They want the forgiveness to ease their guilt and move on with their life. That's it. It's not about the other person. The other person can move on with their life the same without the apology as they could with it. the apology is all about the one apologizing. They finally realized they were a bad person and they don't want to feel like they are, so they think if their victim forgives them, they can move on and feel good about themselves because all is good.
This does not need to be a 22 minute story