The saying goes, " The one who cares the least controls the relationship." Avoidants are shown more grace than anyone and that grace shown them only ends up enabling them to live in their fear. Until they decide to change and work on themselves, no amount of grace and love will change a thing. After 24 years, I'm so done. I'm drained down to nothing and now it's time to be there for myself. He can go change (or not) on his own time. I've got Life to live.
I do agree that there is a lot of enabling going on in these communities and sorry you've dealt with an avoidant, but I think the reason behind this is because anxious people are putting their feelings out there and seeking solutions to try to get back with their ex because of their traumas. DA's feel they are supposed to handle their emotions on their own, so they won't usually be looking for content like this to either heal themselves or understand their partner, nor would they dare be in these comments discussing their problems with their partner. I think these content creators have kind of taken advantage of AP's in this way because they know they can rope them in
So I agree that the avoidants need to work on themselves, like all the insecure types. But I would argue the anxious attachments are "shown more grace than anyone" in these videos and in the comment sections. Anxious people need to heal and learn to self-regulate their emotions, and I feel like there's a LOT of tiptoeing around that! The APs are happy to click when it's about their partner and complain about their partner in the comments, but I don't think they are as eager to hear what they need to fix in themselves.
@@MilesIncognito that's why her AP videos get barely any views or comments. Avoidant videos are more of an emotional dumping ground than self-help or self-reflecting on the partner's part.
@@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life now that you got me wondering, I checked the channel list and only saw ONE video in the past six months that's just about Anxious Attachment style. It's all about Avoidants and interacting with Avoidants! Hmmm.
Porn Addiction is a very important topic. It's another form of relational sabotage but also it has long term health and abilities issues for the user. By middle-age It stops working correctly even with blue pills or at all. It is normal to need a little medical assistance after 35 but porn makes it so much worse it. Connection, healing attachment styles is one of the most powerful ways to curb addiction, any vice.
I've actually read studies that needing the "blue pill" isn't normal if they need it before the age of 50yr. Porn addiction is actually the main cause of E.D. between the age of 25-50. They infact, don't have E.D. when watching porn or even pictures of girls. It happened when the actual act of "performing" is involved due to their partner not being like those they're watching, the look of them young, how sex is portrayed... Easy-walk in a room and just start doing it then walk out, the act of not having to have a build up - 4 play, they don't have to have an in person emotional connection and they get it when they want it - not being "rejected" by their partner. Therefore, they have too much connected to it with a partner. They will use any excuse to turn their partner away so they can go take care of it themselves. They will fantasize having a emotional connection, even living and marriage. Because this girl will do what I want when I want. This is also why women feel cheated on and they are in a way by the men giving that energy to someone else weather it be fantasy or physical usually with a street worker because they are ready to go too. It can be as bad as seeing an attractive woman in a commercial to get those wants meet. They will even look up the commercial to find out who the actress is so they can look for more pictures or videos. the partner will feel not good enough, emotionally rejected, ugly and insecure "jealous". Once the addition is addressed the need for the blue pill seems to dissipate or not needed at all. Like any addiction all temptations must not be available for them in order to overcome it. No social media, Internet use without the partner near by, no beaches, bars, no music videos or tv/movies. All of it will trigger temptation.
As someone who is possibly avoidant, I also want to chip in my personal experience with porn use in a relationship: for me it's not about just wanting to feel good. It's the fact that around a partner, I can't get out of my own head and just be present/enjoy the moment; with porn (unless you're watching WITH your partner), nobody can see you--and so I can enjoy the moment without overthinking myself out of feeling anything at all. With my partner, I can't stop thinking about how I feel ugly, how I don't feel attractive in my body, and how I don't think I act like the normal girl like certain things might feel too overstimulating or ticklish so I'm more awkward instead of just relaxing and enjoying. I also sometimes feel like sex feels like a weird, primal, funny, vulnerable thing to do with someone so it's hard to even take myself seriously for having feelings like that, but that gets in the way of initiating with my partner or accepting his advances.
Unfortunately if the porn has replaced intimacy in the relationship, it damages the self esteem of the other partner. It’s impossible to compete with the scenarios or beautiful bodies. Which feeds the inability to meet each other’s needs.
bummer, this breaks my heart a little because I'm worried you are describing how my partner feels. Right down to details like ticklishness. Any advice you have for a partner of a similar person? Has anything helped you get out of your head before, any tips? Like, not that this is a productive solution, but I think we used to drink more when we were first together, and maybe that's part of why this wasn't an issue at first.
I’m sorry to hear you & your partner are struggling with this. Have you tried talking to them about how they feel? I talked to my boyfriend about this so he is aware. As for advice, I know weed and alcohol can loosen me up sometimes, butttt I don’t recommend relying on a substance. So your best bet is therapy or even sex therapy, of course only if your partner wants to go to therapy. Sorry I don’t really have any tips because I’m still struggling myself 😭
I really appreciate both of your insights. Thank you Thais, and Mike 🙏 I feel a little relieved hearing you guys talk about these topics in such depth, it's good to hear it get acknowledged
My best friend is married to a covert narcissist and he's had a serious porn addiction for over 20 years, in addition to other horrible garbage and abuse. Covert narcissists are so scary!!!! Worse than the standard narcissist, no one on the outside would ever believe how different they are behind closed doors bc they come across so kind and helpful on the outside. He's so evil!! He talks to me like my friend and their kids matter, not knowing that i know the truth about what he really says to them. 😫💔😭😭😭
Not sure why but I can relate. It's like " finally i can fart in peace or watch and eat in peace without feeling that you're gonna be judged. Like i rather just wait till you leave to finally relax 😊
easy there, take it down a notch. even sleeping with other people isn't cheating if you are both comfortable with it. every couple gets to work out their own boundaries.
Re: the porn topic. When it takes the place of intimacy in the relationship, the fantasy aspect of porn really damages the self esteem of the other partner. We can’t compete with these unrealistic scenarios or bodies. It is far more harmful than just escapism…
Going to the last point, what if you don't have a partner? Should it still be about finding ways to meet the needs being met through that in healthier ways? Thank you!
Didnt realize that these traits that honestly sound more introvert than anything are DA traits. I thought DA' avoidance was solely based on their aversion to intimacy/emotions, not because they are energetically drained. I'm FA and am very anxious around partners initially and sometimes longer and get so drained by being with them after a few days. I always felt I needed to make an exception about my needs and my routines when I was with my partner because otherwise I wasn't being present with them, but then that meant I felt completely dead by the end of our visit. In my opinion, tending to your needs first and making sure you have the energy to spend with a partner before putting yourself in that position is healthy. Spending all your free time with your partner is anxious.
I'm glad you talked about extravert da's. Do you think the energy drain is more because they're worried about impressing/ not disappointing or alienating this person they're in relationship with. I feel the da I am thinking of was verrrry careful in his answers (and so took long to respond) when we first reconnected. Like he was afraid to say the wrong thing and send me running. Like I couldn't possibly accept him the way he is. I see some of those barriers beginning to come down over one sensitive topic now but was also just very honest about my boundaries and qualms too. So we shall see how this goes.
What about the guy who says he doesn't want a relationship that the word terrifies him, love is not in his vocabulary, but he is doing all the things and he is initiating them and says we will have to move slow and see where it goes? Edited to add he has shared deeply personal things and is a good communicator. He is vulnerable with me but more will come with time he says. I do not push.
I think you missed the mark with the porn discussion. There is serious betrayal trauma that can occur when you find out your partner is using porn behind your back and many times even lying about it.
@@Catscalligraphy And the damage to the self esteem of the other partner. It's impossible to compete with the fantasy or the physical appearance of those in the porn.
Thank you for sharing this. 100% when I listened I suddenly thought am I the one who didn’t display enough compassion and understanding to him?? We had defined porn as cheating and my need for complete honesty regarding anything that could impact the relationship especially negatively. The feelings of betrayal are huge and the distrust I feel is insurmountable. Add that he had been withdrawing and passively dismissive. It was a blow. Even after I was still healthy and kind in communicating how his actions affected me and my fears and confusion. I even shared how my anxious attachment might have contributed to this dynamic. He said sorry and that he felt guilty but that being around me and having to deal my feelings - was all too much. He just completely discarded me - full ghost mode. The harm and trauma is significant.
@@maryjanekapteyn8964 the thing in my case was that my avoidant was conscious that his action hurt me cause he knew I didn't like porn, but he didn't feel sorry for doing it because he thinks it's ok. So you don't get a genuine apology just a: I'm sorry it hurt you, didn't mean to but don't see the trouble of his behavior.
Nice video, I'm still struggling with the end of my 7-year relationship. My significant other, who I considered to be the love of my life, left me a month ago, and I can't seem to shake the constant thoughts of him. Despite my efforts to bring him back into my life, nothing has worked, and I feel frustrated and hopeless. I've tried to move on, but my heart still longs for him, and I don't see myself with anyone else. I apologize for sharing this here, but I just can't seem to stop missing him.
It's hard to say goodbye to someone you love; I experienced this when my 12-year relationship ended. However, I couldn't just let him go; instead, I tried everything to win him back. Eventually, I turned to a spiritual counsellor for assistance, and he was able to help me win him back.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked him up now online. impressive Wow I just looked Father Obah Eze on the net he’s very legit thanks once again ❤
I felt the pr0n discussion missed the obvious case of: is it the "least worst" option if your partner has shut down sexually? My relationship is great except for a giant heartbreaking unmet need for physical affection, so I'm patching that gap with an excessive amount of "private browsing". The good news is I'm no longer overcome with bouts of sadness. Open to better suggestions, seriously. What would you do?
@@Wolfbitten14 oh, we've talked. difficult discussion, but she just doesn't find her body experiences desire any more. inert, basically. we're both sad about that, though maybe I do hide quite how sad I can get. she's aware I watch p*rn and it doesn't bother her.
@@Wolfbitten14 we've talked at length actually. she just finds that's not where her body and mood are at this stage of life. I don't understand the second part you wrote because I still have a strong desire for her, but it is not reciprocated.
@@stryeyzabsolutely! I absolutely hate my body and feel he uses me to fulfill his physical needs. Who is he actually thinking about. Or who did he watch and now wants to.
Not being " amorous " on its own is not a red flag at all--even if a person is a sex worker as a job. Because being a sex worker as a job doesn't mean that you like sex, it just means that you're doing that because you need money. Don't conflate someone's livelihood with their personal tastes/life.
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The saying goes, " The one who cares the least controls the relationship." Avoidants are shown more grace than anyone and that grace shown them only ends up enabling them to live in their fear. Until they decide to change and work on themselves, no amount of grace and love will change a thing. After 24 years, I'm so done. I'm drained down to nothing and now it's time to be there for myself. He can go change (or not) on his own time. I've got Life to live.
I do agree that there is a lot of enabling going on in these communities and sorry you've dealt with an avoidant, but I think the reason behind this is because anxious people are putting their feelings out there and seeking solutions to try to get back with their ex because of their traumas. DA's feel they are supposed to handle their emotions on their own, so they won't usually be looking for content like this to either heal themselves or understand their partner, nor would they dare be in these comments discussing their problems with their partner. I think these content creators have kind of taken advantage of AP's in this way because they know they can rope them in
So I agree that the avoidants need to work on themselves, like all the insecure types.
But I would argue the anxious attachments are "shown more grace than anyone" in these videos and in the comment sections. Anxious people need to heal and learn to self-regulate their emotions, and I feel like there's a LOT of tiptoeing around that! The APs are happy to click when it's about their partner and complain about their partner in the comments, but I don't think they are as eager to hear what they need to fix in themselves.
@@MilesIncognito that's why her AP videos get barely any views or comments. Avoidant videos are more of an emotional dumping ground than self-help or self-reflecting on the partner's part.
@@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life now that you got me wondering, I checked the channel list and only saw ONE video in the past six months that's just about Anxious Attachment style. It's all about Avoidants and interacting with Avoidants! Hmmm.
I think after 24 years you might as well just finish what you started
read the forbidden book Magnetic Aura on Borlest, and you'll see the secrets they're keeping from us.
Porn Addiction is a very important topic. It's another form of relational sabotage but also it has long term health and abilities issues for the user. By middle-age It stops working correctly even with blue pills or at all. It is normal to need a little medical assistance after 35 but porn makes it so much worse it. Connection, healing attachment styles is one of the most powerful ways to curb addiction, any vice.
I've actually read studies that needing the "blue pill" isn't normal if they need it before the age of 50yr. Porn addiction is actually the main cause of E.D. between the age of 25-50. They infact, don't have E.D. when watching porn or even pictures of girls. It happened when the actual act of "performing" is involved due to their partner not being like those they're watching, the look of them young, how sex is portrayed... Easy-walk in a room and just start doing it then walk out, the act of not having to have a build up - 4 play, they don't have to have an in person emotional connection and they get it when they want it - not being "rejected" by their partner. Therefore, they have too much connected to it with a partner. They will use any excuse to turn their partner away so they can go take care of it themselves. They will fantasize having a emotional connection, even living and marriage. Because this girl will do what I want when I want.
This is also why women feel cheated on and they are in a way by the men giving that energy to someone else weather it be fantasy or physical usually with a street worker because they are ready to go too. It can be as bad as seeing an attractive woman in a commercial to get those wants meet. They will even look up the commercial to find out who the actress is so they can look for more pictures or videos.
the partner will feel not good enough, emotionally rejected, ugly and insecure "jealous".
Once the addition is addressed the need for the blue pill seems to dissipate or not needed at all. Like any addiction all temptations must not be available for them in order to overcome it. No social media, Internet use without the partner near by, no beaches, bars, no music videos or tv/movies. All of it will trigger temptation.
As someone who is possibly avoidant, I also want to chip in my personal experience with porn use in a relationship: for me it's not about just wanting to feel good. It's the fact that around a partner, I can't get out of my own head and just be present/enjoy the moment; with porn (unless you're watching WITH your partner), nobody can see you--and so I can enjoy the moment without overthinking myself out of feeling anything at all. With my partner, I can't stop thinking about how I feel ugly, how I don't feel attractive in my body, and how I don't think I act like the normal girl like certain things might feel too overstimulating or ticklish so I'm more awkward instead of just relaxing and enjoying. I also sometimes feel like sex feels like a weird, primal, funny, vulnerable thing to do with someone so it's hard to even take myself seriously for having feelings like that, but that gets in the way of initiating with my partner or accepting his advances.
BRUH PERFECTLY SAID GOOD GOD
Unfortunately if the porn has replaced intimacy in the relationship, it damages the self esteem of the other partner. It’s impossible to compete with the scenarios or beautiful bodies. Which feeds the inability to meet each other’s needs.
bummer, this breaks my heart a little because I'm worried you are describing how my partner feels. Right down to details like ticklishness. Any advice you have for a partner of a similar person? Has anything helped you get out of your head before, any tips?
Like, not that this is a productive solution, but I think we used to drink more when we were first together, and maybe that's part of why this wasn't an issue at first.
Thank you for the insight. Never knew that. ❤
I’m sorry to hear you & your partner are struggling with this. Have you tried talking to them about how they feel? I talked to my boyfriend about this so he is aware. As for advice, I know weed and alcohol can loosen me up sometimes, butttt I don’t recommend relying on a substance. So your best bet is therapy or even sex therapy, of course only if your partner wants to go to therapy. Sorry I don’t really have any tips because I’m still struggling myself 😭
I really appreciate both of your insights. Thank you Thais, and Mike 🙏 I feel a little relieved hearing you guys talk about these topics in such depth, it's good to hear it get acknowledged
My best friend is married to a covert narcissist and he's had a serious porn addiction for over 20 years, in addition to other horrible garbage and abuse. Covert narcissists are so scary!!!! Worse than the standard narcissist, no one on the outside would ever believe how different they are behind closed doors bc they come across so kind and helpful on the outside. He's so evil!! He talks to me like my friend and their kids matter, not knowing that i know the truth about what he really says to them. 😫💔😭😭😭
My husband is the same. Divorcing him soon.
@@winnieamar9368 good for you!!! I can't imagine how hard that must be. He's got her so down low, idk when or if she'll leave 💔
Not sure why but I can relate. It's like " finally i can fart in peace or watch and eat in peace without feeling that you're gonna be judged. Like i rather just wait till you leave to finally relax 😊
Porn is cheating. Period.
In a relationship If you are giving ANY of that energy to someone else it's cheating. From pictures to physical contact.
easy there, take it down a notch. even sleeping with other people isn't cheating if you are both comfortable with it. every couple gets to work out their own boundaries.
this format really suits me
Re: the porn topic. When it takes the place of intimacy in the relationship, the fantasy aspect of porn really damages the self esteem of the other partner. We can’t compete with these unrealistic scenarios or bodies.
It is far more harmful than just escapism…
SO good; Thank You!
Going to the last point, what if you don't have a partner? Should it still be about finding ways to meet the needs being met through that in healthier ways? Thank you!
Didnt realize that these traits that honestly sound more introvert than anything are DA traits. I thought DA' avoidance was solely based on their aversion to intimacy/emotions, not because they are energetically drained. I'm FA and am very anxious around partners initially and sometimes longer and get so drained by being with them after a few days. I always felt I needed to make an exception about my needs and my routines when I was with my partner because otherwise I wasn't being present with them, but then that meant I felt completely dead by the end of our visit. In my opinion, tending to your needs first and making sure you have the energy to spend with a partner before putting yourself in that position is healthy. Spending all your free time with your partner is anxious.
really liked this video
I'm glad you talked about extravert da's. Do you think the energy drain is more because they're worried about impressing/ not disappointing or alienating this person they're in relationship with. I feel the da I am thinking of was verrrry careful in his answers (and so took long to respond) when we first reconnected. Like he was afraid to say the wrong thing and send me running. Like I couldn't possibly accept him the way he is. I see some of those barriers beginning to come down over one sensitive topic now but was also just very honest about my boundaries and qualms too. So we shall see how this goes.
What about the guy who says he doesn't want a relationship that the word terrifies him, love is not in his vocabulary, but he is doing all the things and he is initiating them and says we will have to move slow and see where it goes?
Edited to add he has shared deeply personal things and is a good communicator. He is vulnerable with me but more will come with time he says. I do not push.
Thanks!
I think you missed the mark with the porn discussion. There is serious betrayal trauma that can occur when you find out your partner is using porn behind your back and many times even lying about it.
That was my case
@@Catscalligraphy And the damage to the self esteem of the other partner. It's impossible to compete with the fantasy or the physical appearance of those in the porn.
Thank you for sharing this. 100% when I listened I suddenly thought am I the one who didn’t display enough compassion and understanding to him?? We had defined porn as cheating and my need for complete honesty regarding anything that could impact the relationship especially negatively. The feelings of betrayal are huge and the distrust I feel is insurmountable. Add that he had been withdrawing and passively dismissive. It was a blow. Even after I was still healthy and kind in communicating how his actions affected me and my fears and confusion. I even shared how my anxious attachment might have contributed to this dynamic. He said sorry and that he felt guilty but that being around me and having to deal my feelings - was all too much. He just completely discarded me - full ghost mode. The harm and trauma is significant.
@@maryjanekapteyn8964 the thing in my case was that my avoidant was conscious that his action hurt me cause he knew I didn't like porn, but he didn't feel sorry for doing it because he thinks it's ok. So you don't get a genuine apology just a: I'm sorry it hurt you, didn't mean to but don't see the trouble of his behavior.
That facial expression in the thumbnail! 😂
best!!!
awesome
Nice video, I'm still struggling with the end of my 7-year relationship. My significant other, who I considered to be the love of my life, left me a month ago, and I can't seem to shake the constant thoughts of him. Despite my efforts to bring him back into my life, nothing has worked, and I feel frustrated and hopeless. I've tried to move on, but my heart still longs for him, and I don't see myself with anyone else. I apologize for sharing this here, but I just can't seem to stop missing him.
It's hard to say goodbye to someone you love; I experienced this when my 12-year relationship ended. However, I couldn't just let him go; instead, I tried everything to win him back. Eventually, I turned to a spiritual counsellor for assistance, and he was able to help me win him back.
Interesting! How did you locate a spiritual counsellor, and how can I get in touch with him most effectively?
His name is Father Obah Eze, and he is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
he is father obah eze, he has great powers, he can help you.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked him up now online. impressive
Wow I just looked Father Obah Eze on the net he’s very legit thanks once again ❤
Lousy DAs having needs in relationship. Having needs is the APs job!
I felt the pr0n discussion missed the obvious case of: is it the "least worst" option if your partner has shut down sexually? My relationship is great except for a giant heartbreaking unmet need for physical affection, so I'm patching that gap with an excessive amount of "private browsing". The good news is I'm no longer overcome with bouts of sadness.
Open to better suggestions, seriously. What would you do?
Talk to your partner, or maybe think of your partner at their sexiest rather than a stranger.
@@Wolfbitten14 oh, we've talked. difficult discussion, but she just doesn't find her body experiences desire any more. inert, basically. we're both sad about that, though maybe I do hide quite how sad I can get. she's aware I watch p*rn and it doesn't bother her.
@@Wolfbitten14 we've talked at length actually. she just finds that's not where her body and mood are at this stage of life. I don't understand the second part you wrote because I still have a strong desire for her, but it is not reciprocated.
@@MilesIncognito I would be cautious, because she may feel like she can't compete with the porn. It's impossible.
@@stryeyzabsolutely! I absolutely hate my body and feel he uses me to fulfill his physical needs.
Who is he actually thinking about.
Or who did he watch and now wants to.
My current x was a former sex worker as much as I know in a long distance relationship. She was not amorous among other red flag issues
Not being " amorous " on its own is not a red flag at all--even if a person is a sex worker as a job. Because being a sex worker as a job doesn't mean that you like sex, it just means that you're doing that because you need money. Don't conflate someone's livelihood with their personal tastes/life.
My FA - disorganized partner was the one who asked me (AP) to move in. When it wasn't even a thought for me yet.