BOUNDARIES! Effective Boundaries AND How To Maintain Them!
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 10 ก.ย. 2024
- What are boundaries? How can we communicate them clearly? How can we enforce and maintain a boundary? And why are they important in the first place? 🧐
In this video we talk through some examples of boundaries, covering both general and more severe forms of boundaries. These range from communicating general boundaries for your comfort, to communicating and enforcing essential boundaries for your safety.
Boundaries are not a way to control other people as you cannot control other people's actions. Boundaries are instead a way to communicate what treatment you find acceptable, and what actions you will take if this isn't respected. They tell other people how you want to be treated and how to build a healthy relationship with you!
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Channel and Videos Disclaimer (written 29/12/2021 by Chloe Wilkinson):
We are not Mental Health Professionals. These videos were made from what we believed to be accurate at the time of their creation, from sources made accessible to us and our own personal experiences. New or updated information may have become available since these videos were made that we may not be aware of, or were not aware of at the time of making the content. We try our best to keep up to date with accurate information, but we are not researchers, psychologists or scientists, just mentally ill people trying to spread awareness and validation as best we can. Please do not use our videos as your only source of information or as a replacement for professional help.
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As someone who was raised to believe that I should always put other's need before my own, it can be VERY difficult to set and maintain boundaries. However, what helped me was when my therapist said, "You're going to be uncomfortable either way. The question is whether the discomfort of protecting yourself outweighs the discomfort of tolerating hurtful and damaging behavior"
I love that insight
Relatable (the point about how you were raised). After working through this with my school psychologist, teachers, private psychologist and friends.. I was finally able to end my extremely toxic, manipulative friendship with a certain person.
Thank you for this 🙏
That’s like when my therapist tells me “choose your hard”
Setting and maintaining boundaries is hard. Dealing with harmful negative behaviors is also hard. Choose your hard.
"Boundaries are rules, not suggestions." I love this explanation.
In Germany, we say "Exceptions prove the rule." I would have called it a law, not a rule. But the point does get across very clearly. Have a nice day! ❤😊
i'm a 6th grade ELA teacher and one of our first conversations will be about what "respect" means. i'm gonna ask "ok so we know we can respect people and objects, but can we respect things that we can't see?" and then we can talk about respecting boundaries! all of our classroom rules will be centered around respecting others, things, and ourselves :) very excited
Great conversation to have but try to word it with care since grade 6’s can hear the word respect and stop listening immediately cause they might hear “if you don’t respect me (even when I don’t deserve it) then you’ll be punished” because that’s the previous conversations they’ve had around the word respect
@@charlidvds3296 right, that's why we're defining it together! i'm gonna give them some dictionary definitions, and then we go from there. i hold myself to the same standard as the one i hold for them! it'll be clear that if they feel disrespected by me, they can politely tell me and i'll take them seriously.
@@fellephant229 lovely to hear this! Thank you for your service 💕
you’re a good teacher, we need more like you!! Teachers are so important in children growing up, especially if the parents are emotionally absent. Thank you for what you do
@@fellephant229This sounds amazing. I always hated teachers wanting respect from me when they treated me like I was still in 1st grade.
My brother continously fails at boundaries. I hang up on him whenever he does and never call him. Because screw that
Good for you!
Blocking his number on your phone might be a better option for you. I'm sorry. ❤
@@breezyncjBlocking him is one way.. But if you’re wanting to build a better relationship you should sit him down in person, explain your feelings and explain your boundaries. Ask him why he thinks it’s okay to break them.. If he keeps going after a deeper conversation definitely block him!!!
My mom completely disrespected and dishonoured my boundaries and my identity. Later on, I would realize, after all those years, that she had been manipulating and trying to control me. She never made any changes in the way she treated me.
Thank goodness she's in the original country while I'm on the other side of the world. I decided that I would completely cut off from her, even if that means I risk not receiving financial support from her while being a refugee here.
It hurts not having any relatives here, but I feel familial with the people I'm with right now, whether physical or from abroad.
I wish you Soren and the System the very best! ❤❤
And to everyone else, you are loved! ❤️❤️
You are so strong and you can carve your own path. Family can also be found. I wish you the very best of luck!
That's an incredibly tough decision to make. We are proud of you and wish you the best! ❤️
Sometimes, no relatives is better than certain relatives. We have this idea that family is good, but not for everyone. Ofc, being alone sucks! But you can find people who actually add something positive to your life outside your blood relations
i am in the same situation. it is heartbreaking but it's more painful to be denied as a human individual by your own mother. leaving the country freed me from that connection as well. mum is the biggest barrier to discovering who we are as a system, i think
@@blurryplaytheworld I'm super happy that you are being free from such a toxic situation. I'm sure we can relate on so many things and I wish your system all the best
One of my boundaries is: Don't show up at my place unannounced. If you do, I won't open the door no matter how long your way might have been.
Thank you fort mentioning that boundary! I've had a hard time through the video thinking about any boundaries of myself and this is definitely one for me. Thanks for sharing!
As someone who’s being tested for ADHD and autism I find setting boundaries extremely difficult. I have RSD and get extremely ashamed and embarrassed when I get told I’ve done something wrong even when I didn’t mean to, for that reason I’m scared to tell people they did something wrong because I don’t want to make them feel that way
Me too. I’m very bad at setting down boundaries. Im not sure if I even have any that aren’t the basic ones
Same here.
Try to treat it sort of like how healthcare treatments are used.
For instance a medication always has side effects and always has a positive effect. Does the outcome of the medication outweigh the potential side effects?
Does you setting that specific boundary outweigh the potential of them feeling uncomfortable and unhappy if they’ve been told they are in the wrong?
I’d also add that your boundaries being violated is more important than someone else’s discomfort. ❤❤❤
You are the ONLY person who can tell them what is okay to do with your boundaries.
Nobody can learn what you are uncomfortable with or what you’re willing to let them do, if you don’t tell them. And if they consistently push that, and do it again, and it’s DELIBERATE , than they’re unlikely to be hurt they’re wrong.
I also have RSD, and it is a bastard. 😂❤
Me too! I try not to make people feel embarrassed so I never reject them unless they have been really really mean. If they are mean I tell them they have no place in my life. I've gotten more aggressive LOL scary
i've been having problems with a friend, that constantly mistreats me because of problems HE has been going through. this video made me remember that even though he has his reasons, he cant just ignore my boundaries and act like IM the problem. thanks soren
He may have a reason, but it isn't a excuse to hurt you, if that makes sense. It's still not ok, even if you can understand why.
Also, you matter too, never forget that. Poor him having problems, but also poor you being mistreated.
There's nothing wrong with putting your well-being first
Setting boundaries, and keeping them, has been so important for my mental health. I try to encourage others to set boundaries for their health.
Wow. I was a fan of the channel since 5 years ago and this is the first time DissociaDID popped up on my page in a long while. I ended up unfollowing a bunch of accounts a few years ago because all of the internet drama at the time wasn’t good for my mental health.
I’m so glad to see the DissociaDID channel again.
I’m in a better place mentally now and this is the perfect video for what I’ve been struggling with recently. Although I don’t have DID I really appreciate the work the system is doing to educate on topics such as mental health and trauma. I had forgotten how much this community makes me feel less alone.
Glad to see you back ❤️
Boundaries are so important. Do not waiver with them. Let your yes be yes and your no be NO. No in-betweens.
Setting boundaries is so so so important. And even if you get laughed at or someone is not taking you serious - don't stop setting boundaries. It gets easier with time, and it also gets easier to weed out the people who won't respect your boundaries (the second you set them)
Soren did an amazing job explaining, but I’d like to add that a key part of setting a boundary is that the consequence tells the person what *you* are going to do if they break that boundary. Often times people will misunderstand, or at worst, intentionally weaponize boundaries to say “I don’t like it when you see x friend. I don’t want you to see them anymore, that’s my boundary.” That is super manipulative and missing the whole point of boundaries to begin with. By saying the previous example, even if you have a good reason to feel that way (maybe x friend disrespects you openly), you are trying to actively control someone else’s behavior, whereas boundaries are meant to control your own behavior and to give other people the rule book on how to interact with you, and give them the choice to modify their own behavior. Instead saying “x friend makes me feel uncomfortable and insecure. If you continue to spend time with them, I will break up with you” is a much clearer way of giving the listener the chance to modify their own behavior separate from you, because the only person you can control is you!
It took 25 years of my life to fully understand that my boundaries matter. This information is so important. I've been used and toyed with by so many people because I lacked the proper understanding that I matter as much as everyone else. I'm so glad you made a video about this! I'm sure it's going to help a lot of people!
I am not part of a system but, growing up, my boundaries were constantly dismissed to the point of me feeling like setting one was selfish and childish. I am starting to learn about self care and setting boundaries now, and this video was immensely helpful. Keep up the good work!
It is so important for everyone to set their own boundaries, while also understanding others. Thank you for reminding us it is ok to protect ourselves and respect ourselves.
oh my god. This video came at the PERFECT time, just had someone come back into my life that I am struggling to set proper boundaries with. THANK YOU FOR THIS VID
You're very welcome!
I turned 18 this year. I am also nonbinary. My family is transphobic (minus my aunt). Watching this video has really helped me realize that even though i care about them and love them, it would be better to cut contact with them for my own health.
W aunt🫶🏻
You are important ❤ it's hard but try and find community in your area ❤ a lot of our community know what it's like to be in your shoes unfortunately. You got this! ❤
I am so glad - for you - that you’ve realized this so early in your journey.
My wife had really TERRIBLE parents and family. Truly awful. She went away to college even though she’d have preferred a college closer to home because she knew she had to get away or it was going to destroy her, staying there.
It took her a long time yo go completely no contact, because of the complete lack of boundaries she had. But she finally did bad she STUCK to it. Which made her so much healthier in the long run.
Don’t be afraid to leave and completely cut out anyone who doesn’t respect your boundaries about yourself.
It can be a little frightening and a little bit lonely, but she ended up with a small circle of friends who were with her through EVERYTHING.
you’re worth saying “no” to people who don’t respect you. ❤
I'm getting married in November & this is the first time I'm fully putting up boundaries for my family and it's incredibly freeing and awesome- but also super hard 💀
LOVE this video ❤ I can’t count how many times I’ve tried to set boundaries and the other person thinks I’m intentionally causing contention or being hurtful. Every time I say “No, I’m not saying ‘this’ because I want to hurt you. I’m trying to help YOU stop hurting ME.”
watching this video just made me think about how proud Chloe would be of how far the channel has come and all the hard work that the system has put into it! (I understand that Chloe is still a part of the system due to integration but I hope u understand what I mean ❤)
❤️❤️❤️
Hope you and everyone are having a good day ❤
I have massive trouble keeping boundaries. Im ok setting them but hardly ever keep them so this is a great video for me. I dont have DID but do have PTSD so thankyou for this.
This was really reassuring to hear after we recently left a friend group for repeatedly crossing our boundaries around treating us with pity when we mention chronic illness and chronic pain. We gave them so many chances, let them cross that boundary so many times, thinking they would change for us. They never did. They didn't respect us, and it's reassuring to hear you say that. We don't have to accept disrespect just because we're disabled.
This couldn't have had better timing because this is exactly what I needed to hear today. I've gotten so caught up in my empathy that I forgot my own feelings and this is the reminder that I needed. Thank you Soren.
I am a recovering people pleasure and ive been working on my boundary journey for 6 years now and I STILL struggle at this... I tend to bend too easy and this video really did help me to really understand that my feelings matter first and foremost in my life and I cant bend just because it displeases the person who pushed the boundary I put in place. Thank you so much for this video and the way you worded it I needed that validation and reminder ♥
Thank you for this. Grew up wo boundaries. Now learning about them 😫💔😪. I’ve violated others boundaries about which I’m truly sorry. May I learn to value my own space 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻💞💙
It's good that you recognize it and are willing to do better!
This is a fantastic video on boundaries! It's clear, consice, and covers a wide range of situations. The breakdown of general vs. severe boundaries is particularly helpful. Thank you for creating such valuable content!
I have always had the worst time with boundaries, mostly because of how i was raised, and a lack of knowledge around that i could even place boundaries. This video helped me alot thank you all so much
Love the set it off shirt! Also thank you for this video, boundaries are always hard
I would add that setting up boundaries and holding them _will_ make you look like the bad guy in their eyes, and it. does. not. matter. Self-respect will always look unreasonable to people used to be able to walk all over you. I tried setting up boundaries with my father and brother, they were vaguely followed with the underlying message that they were only doing it to appease my sensitivities, I finally realized how narcissistic both of them were, and cut contact without forewarning. Because even if I had tried explaining myself, it would have gone nowhere as usual, I would have been made to be the guilty one anyway, or they would have tried manipulating me into not cutting contact and potentially succeeded. Now, they get to tell everyone how oversensitive I am all they want, meanwhile I get to live my life in peace.
Yes this ❤
Thank you so much for making this video! We have a new host now, so this was a great reminder of an important thing that I need to do to keep us safe. -Hale (new host)
Speaking as an "adult" (at 52 I sometimes still wonder), people are fucking terrible at boundaries. They push and push, and when you enforce them, you are wrong, apparently. My answer to this is: I don't need you if you don't respect them. Sadly that means I have a small circle of friends, but ones I trust.
“Boundaries are your rules” is a great way to think about them and lowkey has helped us. It overrides our hesitancy by activating our sense of justice and need to follow the rules in society. Looking at it not as that person has hurt me but as they’ve broken our rules, while probably not being the best way to think about it still helps us enforce those boundaries bc rules are important. Idk if that makes sense but the point is thank you for helping put it into a different perspective. 💜
I'm an extremely empathic and sympathic autistic person and a recovering people pleaser and this video helpen me a lot
I’ve been waiting for this video, saying that I’m super duper happy is an euphemism 🙌🏻❤️
Very eye opening, especially the issues with enforcing them. We struggle a lot with boundaries but desperately need them. Thank you for this video 🩵
Heck yeah! We love setting boundaries!
Love the thumbnail ha ha going to watch the video now ! Boundaries are so important ♥
Thank you for this video. I have a friend who constantly ignores one small boundary I've set with her. I simply ask her to text me before calling me to make sure I'm available. Instead she always calls me without warning, usually when I'm intentionally spending time with family or at a social event. It is important to me to be present in the moment and not have my attention divided when I'm out with people. I've started simply not answering the phone if she does this. Her phone calls can easily last 3+ hrs and it is very hard for me to get off the phone once she's talking. I know at this point that a single call from her can derail my plan for the whole day because she disregards my time so severely. This video really helped me solidify this boundary with her and reminded me that my boundary around my time and attention isn't selfish or unreasonable.
Thank you so much for making this video, I personally really struggle to create and maintain boundaries. This really helps, I hope everyone is doing well
loveloveLOVE this video ❤ I really wish I was better at setting boundaries with my family, but our M.O. is to ignore each other for a few days until we're no longer angry and then pretend like it never happened.
i was raised in a culture where i was forced to believe that i should always put the wants and needs of my family above my own, or else i am selfish. i still struggle with boundaries and when i do set them, they’re often disrespected. but we’re getting there :^)
I don’t have DID but this video came out at a really relevant time for me and I’ve been feeling so bad and stressed over setting boundaries with someone going through a hard time so I really needed to hear some of this stuff.
I’ve felt like I’m not as important and I shouldn’t have done it in the first place bc they’re going through a ‘harder’ time than me but nothing excuses verbal abuse especially from someone considered a close friend. So thank you!
This video called us out in many ways- We struggle with boundaries. Both with setting them and KEEPING them reinforced. Most of the time its because we can't remember if we set the boundary or boundaries with a person, so if they do break a boundary, we often don't know if we set it with them or not, so we tend to not enforce anything. We have a lot of anxieties with boundaries and people pleasing, something to work on, thank you for this!
Thank you for making this video. Growing up in a codependent household and becoming codependent myself, boundaries are a hard thing to maintain. It’s nice to hear someone talk about boundaries. I’ve never thought about boundaries being rules and not just guidelines.
I almost never comment on videos EVER, but Soren is so confident, clear, and concise with his presentation and education techniques, while also maintaining the sentiment of empathy for those watching and reassuring the audience that their emotions are valid and they’re worthy of giving themselves power back that was often taken from them. It makes me so happy that Soren is a part of the system and is able to fulfill the role of enforcing boundaries and healthy and positive handling of hard emotions ❤
❤️❤️❤️
Thank you for this. I really appreciate how direct you are about what this means for people who have been through trauma. I have PTSD, and this helps me so much. So many resources seem to be for people who haven’t been through abuse, and it feels like I’m translating them into a different language sometimes just so I can relate to them. Thank you again.
Thank you so much for the content you've been creating. It makes my heart so happy to see you healthy and fully yourself. Been following since I was young and first diagnosed, so happy to see you again!
It's so good that you mentioned that you don't have to explain your boundaries. I'm so used to explaining my every single step, let alone such a "selfish" thing as a declared boundary, out of fear that my feelings won't be valid otherwise. Each and every one of us is valid. Thank you for the reminder ❤
Thank you for making this video Soren (and your system), as a people pleaser it was something I needed to hear.
Love to all of you!
you have no idea how much i needed to hear this, thanks for the reassurance that im allowed to set boundaries and protect myself 💖
Sadly sometimes people think that just because they're older are entitled to respect and to have their boundaries enforced while not giving a shit about yours and keep minizing everything they do to hurt u. I wish i could show them this video honestly, but sometimes the only way out is leaving (still working on it).
Thank you guys do, been following for a long time now and even though i don't have did it's so nice to see people caring for others mental help and genuinely trying to help them find answers cause sometimes only takes that to make huge steps in your personal path
This is my favorite video on boundaries. I have many people in my life who have been people pleasing and I’ve been sending this to them to explain boundaries and how to set them.
i wish i had this video when i was 13, this is such meaningful advice and im so greatful people can watch this video to realize that people who step over boundaries aren’t people you need to have in your life 💖💖
These videos have been so positive and affirmative!! :D Thank you all for taking the time and effort into making them,I know they'll help a lot of people. (Although I hope you guys won't stress yourselves out too much with them :))
This is one video that I think, no matter what people think, this is a great video! Boundaries are so very important!
Through help and suggestion from our therapist and others close to us, we just cut off contact from our mother and sister due to the lack of boundaries (amongst other things) they showed. This video was extremely helpful in keeping up the strength to keep them out. Thank you.
It feels SOO good and powerful when you just set totally normal boundaries that should've already been obvious and people stop talking to you 😂 I love it. Thanks for removing yourself lol. When I was young I'd waste so much time not standing up for myself at all and people PUUSSHHH and you have to be firm. Now that I am, a Lotta people dip to keep searching for someone else with no boundaries
I recently got out of my first in-person relationship, they were incredibly bad to previous people before, during, and after our relationship and friendship. They broke my boundaries multiple times and I broke it off multiple times, and I think that this video is going to keep me away. I’m not going to allow myself to be disrespected by them anymore
Took me many years to start setting up boundaries and this video is wonderful.
Personally (though this is very dependent on the other person and the general relationship with them, your own experiences etc. etc.) I find it very helpful if I try and actively notice when the other person DOES respect a boundary (may not always be possible depending on the boundary) and let them know that I appreciate them doing that. Which not only serves as a reminder to myself that they are respecting me (I find that we often tend to overlook things that *aren't* happening because they're of course more difficult to notice, and we focus more on the negatives, which I don't want) but it also functions as a positive reminder to them that this boundary exists and that their efforts are not going unnoticed. Since usually a reminder of a boundary is most likely to happen when the other person oversteps it and therefore has a more negative connotation, I like giving a positive (and more subtle) reminder instead.
Again, very dependent on the circumstances and people involved, I am very lucky to have a loving and considerate respectful partner who just tends to forget things/get preoccupied with other thoughts every now and then. Know your boundaries and take care of yourself
This is the video I want to send back in time to my 13 year old self. I want you to know that what you do here is so important. This is an amazing video, and if anyone ever asks me for advice on what to do with boundaries, this is the perfect resource I can show them. It's hard to learn what boundaries are for when you grew up without having them mean anything ever, and this is exactly what I would have needed to see. Someone insisting on my importance, on how to communicate, how to enforce it and being understood in my struggles with feeling worthy of this in the first place. Thank you for this video. It means a lot.
I needed this thank you Soren Ive now set boundaries with my partner parents due to disability hate.
They’re back!! Better than everrr
Thank you for this video, as someone with PTSD boundaries are a major thing even in non triggering situations and ive lately grown so much in setting them (years ago i couldnt set them at all) but the only thing that lingers still is that empathy you mentioned of like...well how is my boundary going to make *them* feel, is it a worthy boundary etc. So its nice to hear that reminder of like if its my boundary its valid and if someone gets upset over me setting it thats not my fault
I am obsessed with the red and white hair!! Love all 3 colors together 🖤
thank you❤, I think there are a lot of people who need to hear this
This video almost made me cry. I don't have DID or OSDD. But you videos are helpful for me too. I love your videos. You're very sweet. Thank you so much for everything ❤❤❤❤❤
I love the soothing music in the background. It’s at the perfect volume so I’m still able to focus on what you’re saying but still feel the relaxation. 😌
i had such a hard time setting boundaries and feeling guilty about it. i got a therapist and am very proud to be much much better at them now :)
It wasn’t even until very recently that I even learned how to set boundaries. It was a struggle because I was never taught it growing up. But I’m learning and trying ❤
My grandmother used to constantly step over my boundaries, thinking she knew better than I did. Eventually, in 2016 she had started contacting my other family members, telling them I was pregnant. (wasn't, never have been) First I thought there was some kind of miscommunication, but turns out she had simply heard that I married an immigrant and concluded that the only possible reason for that was pregnancy. I was so absolutely furious I spat out years of hatred back at her and told her to never call me or my family members again. Now, 8 years later, she still hasn't. Best thing I ever did honestly.
Some people won't get it until you put your foot down. But you will realize how much better you feel when that person isn't around you anymore.
I get triggered by abandonment and a boundary for me is being ghosted. I’ve even said in the past an emoji or a communication card would be enough, but people just willingly trigger me despite knowing it
This video is absolutely amazing and necessary! Thank you so much! So many people in different situations can benefit from it! Lots of love!
In the past I would often let people trample over my boundaries because I was afraid of the conflict that would come as a result of me enforcing them. Then I saw a post that said something along the lines of 'you're not actually avoiding conflict, you're just moving it internally. Instead of having conflict with another person, you're having a conflict with yourself. So if you're going to have a conflict anyway, might as well do it in a way that improves your life by removing people from it who don't respect you.'
i've only started putting down boundaries. it has been the most difficult time in my life but also the best time in my life too. i'm pretty proud for standing up for myself for the first time in my life haha
Thank you for this. I have always had this feeling like am dealing with little glass figurines with steel hands when dealing with these issues. I have also, especially, had issues when dealing with people that are willfully making foolish arguments and stances just to throw their weight around and make others suffer their nonsense. This is especially miserable when the offending others have power in your life (parents, bosses, random awful people etc..).
This makes me realise that my family hardly respects my boudaries. Even when i tell them EXPLICITLY not to talk about certain things, or contact me when i need time alone. So recently i am expressing myself even MORE explicitly, though it doesn't help much
Oh boy, this was triggering af, but I am glad I listened till the end. This really helped me think about boundaries from a different perspective.
If someone yells at my cat my boundary is life 😂 their life at an end. Brilliant video thank you so much!
I set a lot of boundaries, alters set their own ones, except for Littles where I’ll set the boundaries for them (and recently decided to let them know that it’s okay to change the boundaries I’ve set for them).
Family members constantly go against our boundaries, we’re handling it for now.
As someone who needs to set boundaries (I’m now apart of a large minecraft server and have gone non verbal two or three times cause of triggers) but struggles, this Is super helpful ❤❤
-Clare
Thank you for your videos. You got this. We need them. 💜💟 You help so many of us.
Omg I love this video so much, I think many people need to hear this. Unbelievably well put, very straightforward and so empowering. I would like it a hundred times if I could! Instead, I share and comment. ❤
Thank you for this video! This is super important! Wish this was taught more often
this is a really helpful video. especially for a system like ours, with avoidant personality disorder. setting boundaries and saying no is probably one of the hardest things for us to learn how to do.
recently we were out on a walk and got approached by mormons. Immediately we became triggered into the fawn response and ended up giving them our name, phone, address, etc all at a compulsive response because of the fawning. they ended up showing up to my house a few days later and my dad ended up having to tell them i wasn’t interested. nothing bad ended up happening besides that, but we probably should avoid making that mistake again.
needless to say my therapist and i should really work together on the stuff from this video, lol.
Such an important thing to teach people! Thank you for explaining it so eloquently
This was a great video thank you Soren! I would love a sort of part two where you talk about how we can look at or identify our own boundaries- I know this is something that's deeply personal and best done with a therapist but even some story times of what's worked for you/your system in the past would be really helpful 🙂 much love 💜
Thank you, this helps me for an upcoming inpatient treatment, what are my boundaries, how will i set them etc. So glad you are back, this video might have been a difficult one to make due your past so thanks for the effort and lots of love back ❤
I always like to think of boundaries as rules for the individual to follow. for example, a boundary I have is that ai don’t want to be friends with someone who doesn’t speak to me with respect. So when a person is verbally disrespectful, it’s my job to leave the situation. this avoids boundaries becoming weaponized or feeling like they are “controlling” the other person.
Flamee-o hotman! ((Aang quote)) That is a killer haircut/ color combo Sorren or whom is in the front right now. You look like the calico hair of my childhood dreams come to life, thanks for presenting how you all do because it really is so validating to see you be yourself. ❤❤❤
I agree with all of this but I've also experienced people who couldn't even participate in a heated (non abusive) disagreement without drawing boundaries and running off to hide, effectively cutting off any possibility to resolve the issue. And these same people would constantly break my boundaries.
if I set boundaries with my mom she can remember them for 6 months max and she's genuinely clueless and forgetful so that has made me fail to set boundaries with others as well bc I'm programmed to expect others to be as clueless, but no, other people are legitimately testing to see how far they can push me 😔
(like with my mom I have to tell her I don't like bell peppers 10x and shame her for not remembering before she'll actually remember it, so that's why I'm quite sure she's not doing it intentionally)
It’s also important to note that you can’t always communicate boundaries verbally, social norms sometimes won’t let you express your boundaries in such an intellectual way. But still you can set boundaries passively, showing a glimpse of what consequences would occur if a boundary is crossed, and if the same boundary is crossed enough times you can give them the consequences without explaining. Even if they don’t understand.
Hey Soren, do you have any plans to make the body reflect how you look in the inside (ex: dying the hair brown / growing it out a little) since you're in the body the most often?
Our hair is already naturally brown haha, but no. Other than keeping the hair around this length - partially for my dysphoria but mainly because it's easier for us to keep it clean and brushed, that's the only change that we made. We don't really change the body to reflect the host very often, I don't see this body as me. If anything I see the body as "Chloe" and I'm just taking care of it.
One more thing to add would be "where" boundaries are placed is important.
Let us say I set boundaries around myself. That makes sense, I am trying to establish my space.
But let us say I set a boundary around you. Then it is not about my space anymore, it is about limiting your space more than protecting mine.
Language is the same, but used offensively instead of defensively.
I can see so much of Kyle in Soren in this one. A couple of sentences there I could swear came from Jade haha. That aside, I really wanna thank you for noting the problem of boundaries when you are in an abusive situation, or when you are used to their enforcing just making the other person escalate their anger. That's kind of how I've always felt about them, because setting a single limit with my family always led to a self-pity party or a screaming match. I should work on them...
So happy seeing more videos! You've helped me so much ❤ this is a great video ❤
We had a "friend" in high school before I knew I was a system. During this type I just out of a really abusive era of life and was struggling and was also having some heart problems with my heart rate getting too high ~important for later~ This "friend" was very physical and would also like to scare me. The first time she did this I put the boundary into place NOT TO TOUCH ME OR SCARE ME as this activated a cptsd ep as well as made my heart worse. I think it would pull one of the other protecter alters closer because I dont really stand up for myself. Finally after a really bad incident I cut of the friendship and refused to get back into it. Thank you for the great video -String and maybe Shade? Very blurry atm
8:06-8:41
THIS!!💯
Literally saved this video in my playlist aaand did a screen-recording of the pinned part to save it in my gallery and watch at any time.
I hope that's oki doki.