THIS IS Why Being NICE Leads To REJECTION | Marisa Peer
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 19 มิ.ย. 2024
- If you were always encouraged to be 'nice' or 'good' as a child, it was likely said with the best intentions. But I've worked with clients for whom this casts a shadow over their lives, leading to excessive people-pleasing and making choices misaligned with their true desires and identity.
Does this sound like something you've struggled with?
I urge you to connect with your real passions and needs. You don't need to be a hell-raiser, but you do need to build healthy boundaries and respect your heart's calling. Click the link to watch my free 'I Am Enough' masterclass; it's a great place to start 💖
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Marisa Peer is the author of 'I Am Enough' and creator of Rapid Transformational Therapy®️(RTT). Marisa Peer is an English best-selling author, nutritionist, relationship therapist, hypnotherapist trainer, and motivational speaker. She is using hypnosis for anxiety, weight loss, addiction, and overcoming fear.
She has spent over 30 years working with people including royalty, rock stars, actors, professional and Olympic athletes, CEOs and media personalities and has developed her own style that is frequently referred to as "life-changing."
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When you care for someone more than they deserve
You get hurt more than you deserve
Story of my life
Same here
Yes!
Mine too. No one bothered about me in the family, n I will bend myself backwards so that they will like me, but I was jus their doormat!
But I genuinely had a question on how to know what a person deserves???
This is especially hard for people who come from an abusive childhood we have low self esteem and no confidence or self worth
I am just really learning this very hard lesson. I have been a people pleaser my entire life, and I am all by myself because of it. I feel that by always putting others first, I sent the message to them that I am last. No one values or appreciates me.
Me too Valerie! Wanna be my friend?
No more of that because now we are self aware
❤️
Im putting my hand up too. Ihve heard that saying a long time ago that nice guys comes last. Its so true
When I was a kid growing up I often heard the guys with girlfriends say “treat em mean, keep em keen”. I didn’t think that sounded right so spent much of my life being nice. I eventually realised that on the dating trail, nice guys really do finish last. Or at worst, you’ll only get the bad boys leftovers when she’s fed up being treated badly. No thanks.
If it means playing a role I’m uncomfortable with, then so be it. You can’t be a chump forever.
Yes it s a great thing when you are respectful and nice but you must not allow people to ABUSE YOU , You must have BOUNDARIES.
Specially in our latin culture, the women must say yes and do what is expected to be considered a "good wife" and if you don't, then you are called toxic, a witch, difficult. I am now divorced, but I found out my husband had told his family we would not be intimate, and I felt very humiliated because his aunts said I did not do my duty as a wife. Now, as I meet someone I tell them, I will say exactly what I feel, and that does not make me toxic, I have feelings, I am allowed to get upset if you leave your dirty clothes on the floor, I am allowed to get mad if I you dirty a mirror I have just cleaned. I am allowed to say NO I do not want sex, because this is MY body, and if I did have sex when I do not want to, that is abuse. When I date someone I tell them, I will always tell you how I feel and think so you can decide if you can handle it or not, that way you will never say I did not meet your expectations, that would be on you if your self made expectations dont get met, as I have shown you exactly as I am.
The feeling of not being afraid of how people perceive you is very freeing, and I have noticed people respect you more, because you show them your boundaries from the beginning.
👏👏
@@starbattles1 saying what you feel and think does not equate to being mean or toxic, you can say things respectfully, and calmly. It means you respect yourself enough to let others know you will not be put down by any means. I am a very nice and sensitive person, and by letting others know how to treat you, lets them know not to mistake your kindness for weakness. I have had no problem meeting people, I am the one choosing now, not them.
If you believe you are perceived as toxic, then maybe take a look at how you say things, being acertive does not mean being disrespectful. If you let others upset you, then they have won, they have power over you. What I mean is to let them know for example that you are not a servant, not their mother to pick up their mess, not their toy, not their possession.
@@nanitaheart : Bravo Uma! 👌💪💪💪😘
Well said girl!!
@@starbattles1 ok...
I love this! I once said no to a very closed friend of mine and I lost her friendship. She asked me to sleep at my place for a couple of months with her Siamese cat i didn't like and I had only a one bedroom apartment!!! That request seemed unreasonable and I got a lengthy goodbye email afterwards. Be prepared to loose friendship. It has been 10 yrs and I still feel the lost somehow and this video is helping greatly. I am able to let it go. I am sending her positive and loving thoughts. Hope she is well as I am.🙏
Being taken advantage of is such a bad feeling. Thank you Marissa. No more guilt tripping me.
If you have strong foundation of self love, self acceptance and confidence, where you do not need or seek validation and acceptance from others, then you can freely love without needy energy or attachments, and love willl pour back to you ❤️
I'm here for you
Who told you that?? From which source ? Coz I’ve been hearing about these lines often ...
We need to get to know about each other
A therapist startled me when she said "Do you EVER say no?!" It really was a wake up call for setting boundaries in my relationships. I have always been the one to drop what I am doing to help everyone and got taken advantage of time and again. You can still be a good, altruistic person while setting boundaries, it just takes practice.
This is life changing information! As a psychic and empath, I’ve always been in tune with others emotions, so much so that forgo my own emotions to assists others with theirs. Years of this behavior lead me to feeling rejected, unloved and unappreciated. I didn’t know why people never put me first, when I put them first, but then again, I trained them to believe they didn’t have to, because id be there no matter what I didn’t get. No more!! If a person can’t show me the love and respect I show myself, then that person isn’t in alignment with my life.
Never forget yourself, that you too have feelings and emotions. You are also worthy to be prioritized, to be loved and to be appreciated. No one can say otherwise. 💖
Being good and rejected means better things are waiting !!! 😉
I would love to believe so
@@eequalsmc2sqrd59
🙏
Absolutely 👍
@@eequalsmc2sqrd59 then believe so and it’ll be true❤️
So true. I’ve been a ‘nice guy’ for far too long.
Being raised by a covert-narcissist, I never even considered my own needs. Once I started to understand why I always felt obligated to help, to fix other people's problems and say yes, it still felt selfish and unnatural. For me the "solution" was to go half-way. If I was asked by some one for anything, I would say things like, "OK, let me check my schedule, "OK, I'll think about it" or "Let me get back to you on that". This allowed me to search my own feelings, which I also had to learn to do. Plus it gave me the time to come up with an explanation. Then I progressed to the point that I hated having it hang over my head and would answer within an hour or so. Fast forward 5 years. I now know what I like doing or not. I have no problem any longer saying "Sorry, no can do". If that person tries to persuade me, I look them straight in the eyes with raised eyebrows and ask "which part of "No" don't you understand?!" Why should I care more about a person trying to manipulate me than myself? ;-)
Just what I was looking for. I have struggled with this and had a setback.
My friend has the exact same story about watching a baby, and it was 6 weeks!
What was supposed to be a few hours turned into 6 weeks with a tiny baby.
She was happy to have that baby because she was already taking care of her own baby of a similar age, but she said that mom was lucky she didn’t call CPS.
The mom turned up 6 weeks later and took her baby like it was no big deal she had left her there without a word, without a phone call to check in.
This happend to my mother in the 60s. The woman paid my mother 5.00 a week. Then showed up and took her baby back.
Find it difficult to say NO outright - say - You'd best ask others as well, because my plans are not solid and I may have to refuse your request... That way they have been WARNED and YOU have warmed up to the idea of refusing a request. With the money request - say you just spent a big chunk and are not liquid. They may keep asking at other times, just use the same excuse - they get the hint. I WAS a chronic people pleaser, now I'm a grown up - who doesn't need to dodge and weave - can say a big chunky ~NO~ . Thanks Marisa!
Religion and parenting. I always need to do more. I'm not enough as is. I am always wrong. Others are more important. My thoughts and needs to be sacrificed for greater good. So deeply engraved. I got compliments from other parents when i was a kid i was raised right. I have so many resentments. Raised w low self
This is for everything until your job, you need to put your boundaries to your coworkers and be nice be responsible but don´t have to be with a lot of work over you like it doesn´t exist another person in the company. We need to be with the truth with us and everybody, say no, and be loyal to ourselves because we deserve respect and equal conditions in every aspect of our lives. We aren´t machines, we are humans, that need to love ourselves. We need to leave behind the panic, the fear, the anxiety, we need to be as we are, we are unique and valuable.
I find in work you get the cliques and they will do and say anything the managers ask of them so when you stand up for your self to manager they don't like it! I can't stand creeps that cosy up to management.
Wow, thank you! This sounds like my life. Every week at work someone needs money for something. I’m learning to say no. I will get better at setting boundaries.😊
This is such great advice. The person seeking to find the answer to the question as to why they are a "people pleaser" will need to go back into their early childhood. Good luck if you can find it because if you do, life won't be the same again afterwards.
Thanks a lot Maria. Every time I feel disturbed, I would listen to your postings to get back to normal. Thanks for such wonderful mesmerizing talk. 🙏
Me too. I watch her videos to get back to myself
Wonderful explanation for why we are too nice with others. Thank you very much for giving solution for overcoming this problem. You are really Gods gift❤️
It s a matter of intelligence : you have to be nice if you are scared that you ll be hurt and shock frozen and can t talk back when the hit back comes. Not all people are intelligent or saying no would t be a problem. And that is something you can t change. Babys say no because their parents consequences are mostly mild. The others learn pretty quickly that yes hurts "less"...
Marisa thank you so much, for years I have held back my true opinion and just agreed with others. No More! after reading this . I place myself First not Last. You are so helpful. I am so grateful to have found you. This is excellent.
I’m super nice that’s why I’m damaged already
Me too
We need another mindset to stop the damage
Be nice on ordre to know people better.
I am so grateful for Marisa Peer’s work! These videos help so much to retrain the mind, to always remind myself what I am doing for me and why. Thank you for your selfless offerings!
Enjoining all your clips and videos, fantastic work u have done and work you have achieved helping 1000s of people in their lives, love from Belfast Ireland 🇮🇪🍀🇮🇪🍀🇮🇪
Hi,
Marisa,
We always have a choice about the way we feel inside.
Bouncing back to life and not letting everyday tension, emotional upsets of stressful situations dent our cheerful nature.we are born an original and no need to die a copy.
Being different is our asset, why to be afraid of to be ourself.
Anyways, you said truly.
Regards, Naval Kumar Chauhan.
It's great to hear your calming voice again after a month of not hearing it. Thank you for this video I love it.
I can totally relate to this but definitely getting better this past year 🙂
For few years now I am calling you my best friend
Thank you very much for the video! I needed years to change this. There was no youtube in that days. Such content will make more people to live better lives. Good luck in everything!
This is such an amazing video. I am that extra nice girl who learnt it while growing up. Thanks for this video ❤️
Thank you, Ms. Peer. This hit the nail right on the head!!!!!!!!!
A super explanation to handle being nice
Excellent advice, thanks Marisa 🌟
Bad people drag you down on their playfield of no moral and beat you with expirience.
Marisa thank you for all your work. I learned a lot about my personality and things I coudn't see or understand. You make me feel stronger and better every day :)
Thank you. Much needed!
So important!! Thank you ❤️
This was very good. and came into the perfect timing. Thank you!
Thanks, Part of my challenge in voicing my opinion is with learning to cultivate a tone of kindness and fairness, better described as neutrality, rather than a tone of contempt, disdain and underlying harshness., while describing my needs. As l practice this skill and monitor my own temperament to circumvent a potential anger outburst there are still times in the interim when l am allowing boundary violations.
Thank you for the great advice. This is something I really needed to hear. Blessings to you 🙏
You are awesome !! thank you !!
I tried to do this in my last job and was not liked for having an opinion and when i wasn't being treated right and i spoke up the manager and the boss would not speak to me for days. Then finally got let go of one week before 2 years up in my job. So this has made me scared to speak up again in a job.
Work for yourself.
Well done dor being brave and true to yourself 👍
Yes this advice doesn’t really apply in the workplace, nor does teamwork, so tread carefully. Lol
@@angelajoybb But its rife! I was working on my own most days in a big cafe and had to do everything. I would have ques and i would get stressed. It was inside a furniture store the owner was Pakistan 'need i say more' and he was having an affair with the manager! Both were married. So was like dealing with a couple if you upset her you upset him 🙄 I'm glad i had my say as 4 weeks later he closed cafe! His plan all along!
This was amazing
This is giving me anxiety of a the times I’ve said yes and now I feel guilty
Forgive yourself ❤
Whilst recovering from cancer I refused to take care of the cat of an acquaintance (she’s a victim Narcissist, I’m trained to deal with toxic personalities). Next day I found her house key in my mailbox with a note: thank you so much for taking care of my cat, I love you so much, you’re such a good friend.’
I’m a cat lover and have my own cat. So I left the key on top of my mailbox and forgot all about it all together. No contact big time. Couldn’t care less.
The cat apparently was taken care of by someone else and never was picked up again. Can you imagine what kind of people there exist?!?
Gracias Marisa
Fantastic!!! More on this topic, please. 😘😘😘😘💪💪
Thank you dear ❤️
Aww thank you so much, Marisa...so blessed to have found your channel recently. You are amazing. Love & Blessings xxx
This is an eye opener...struggling with this. Thanks
Great perspective
Thank you!
I love it
Thank you. I needed to hear this.
Love you Marisa ❤️
Thanks Marisa, After following you and getting your I Am Enough, RTT program I broke through all those bad habits of letting people take advantage of me. Thanks Marisa. You are amazing. Much love.💖
Could you guide me where I can get the RTT program? Thank you
Hello,
If you would like to learn more about our courses, including the content, certifications and costs, please book a call with one of our course specialists. Just choose the best time at the link below and they will be happy to answer any of your questions.
bit.ly/RTT-book-call
Kind regards, Marisa Peer Support
@@MarisaPeer I'm already talking the RTT course and getting ready for the exam. I love RTT! I'm also fallowing Marisa on TH-cam/Instagram giving her all my support because Marisa deserve ir..😊
LIked this one. Good advice
Such a wonderful and
comforting speaking voice.
Thank you for this wisdom
Wisdom is power
Yes so true!They teach us at home to be nice and help others first and same in the churches,,,,,same with me ,,, so true!
thanks Marissa
So right about the online dating and men asking for money scam. Crazy out there.
THANK YOU
Thanks, I have to hear that again and again!!
I like when you looking for something in the video. That is new in your videos. 🥰
You are a bunch of nice guys
And nice guys never win
~Jose mourinho
Thank you! 💕
I have finally understood what you are saying in this video. thank you 🙏
Thank you Marisa awesome
I love it
The etymology of the word nice means stupid. The root word of nice and the root word of stupid are the same word, it's no coincidence. Nice guys do not finish last, stupid people finish last. Do not emotionally bypass yourself.
Oh Marisa, I heard you and it’s like heard my interior voice everyday in my life.
Thank you for been a voice, my voice.
🥰
Wow I love to hear more fee from you
Yes I am currently going through a break up, it hurts. He broke my heart, i was always there for him and he left me lik as if our relationship meant nothing to him, lik i meant nothing to him.
Trust me it's not about you... Most people weren't taught how to love... To the extent that they even don't love themselves.... Whatever much you try to show them what love is.... the more you hurt yourself.... This is the world we are living in today... Love is conditioned.... It starts at early age.... So sad. 😢
I'm sorry you're going through this, I understand how tough it is. sending strength 🥰 Kim (Marisa Peer Team)
@@MarisaPeer thank you for your kind words nd support.
Hi Jenny, I don't know you. I don't know where you met the guy. It doesn't really matter. He's gone now. Guess what? You're better off. Take this time to think about what you really want. Not what other people want from you. Or how other people think you should act. Go take a jujitsu class. Learn how to defend yourself physically. It could help you realize that you also have to defend yourself mentally and emotionally. Don't take nonsense from anyone. Be you, and don't ever apologize for it. I wish you the best of luck.
@jennyjen
Hey Jenny! I want to tell you that you're amazingggg! It does hurt and I'm sure that it's very tough... Take your time... At the same time, I want to tell you that you are worth it, you mean the world to so many people and I'm sure that you would have meant a lot to that guy.. sometimes people are just too scared to express that... May be he has fallen out of love but I can assure you that that doesn't mean that he doesn't value what you must have done for him.. Moreover, you know what you've done... You're a kind and loving person... Gift yourself your kindness and love, you need it and deserve it more then anyone in this world... I'm sure that you'll be the living badass that you are! Lots of love and happiness to you! Kill it girl! You got this! You're ammmazinggg! 🤗
Looking lovely x
Right on!!👏👍
The idea that a person being nice (people pleaser) is purely derived from childhood programming does not really tell the whole storey. According to The Big 5 Factor Model of personality some people are nice because they are high in the personality trait of Agreeableness. The trait Agreeableness comprises the 6 facets: Modesty, Compliance, Empathy, Altruism, Straightforwardness, Trusting, which are natural predispositions for all people, who can either be high or low in each of these facets. It is highly likely that early childhood experiences either positively or negatively reinforced these traits helping to form the person you are today.
I appreciate this. Thank you. ❤️
You are excellent
Wonderful lesson! 👍🌹
You are right can I learn from you too
I am a nice lady very nice but not a nice doormat and just because I explained my partner that I didn't liked his behavior he start ignoring me and giving me the cold shoulder and then I was fed up with his childish attitude after trying to talk to him several times I broke up with him. Went and got himself a new lady like I wasn't even existed.
Very weel sad. Blessings 💞😇
Great anecdotal material which really made your message concrete for me. Thank you.
Very true
God bless you your so Amazing😘😘😘😘
My abusive parents, finally, pushed me past my limit 9 years ago so I disowned them and their Golden Child. However, I feel like I went from “Nice Girl” to “SuperBitch” overnight, and have stayed that way. I’m hoping I can achieve this elusive (for me) middle ground, some day.
Thanks Marisa
You teach me so much
I tefused to apologies after no.
No . is a complete sentance.
You can be nice without putting yourself last!!!
Absolutly ❤️
I just found you but I already love you.
Love you❤️
I also love it
So generally speaking..
I sick of people saying to me
Listen to me then when I do they do not want to listen what I have to say
I some one she used to come round and I have just come to let you no about what going in my life
I expect express myself and I alway’s get hurt. They mean sugar coated truth.
Great tips🙏🙏🙏🏵️🍀💮🌼💛💚💜💙
Self love ❤️
Last week I had an appointment with a new doctor. They schedule me at 9 am it was 10:25 and I approached Che counter and obviously annoyed but nicely asked the lady in the front desk how much longer was this going to take because I needed to notify my job, she told me not caring at all that she didn’t know that I needed to wait until the doctor was available. I told her that they shouldn’t schedule so many people at the same time, I mean I don’t have all day. The other Cowoker started arguing with me that it was not their fault and basically I needed to shut up. At that point I had it I told her to give me another appointment for another day.. I went to work and I started to look for another doctor. I refuse to be a doormat. It was an uncomfortable feeling but I can be different, now if this had been in the ER it would have been different of course.
Say yes
I was with a man for seven years - he verbally abused me and was cold to me but I had no self esteem as it appears now I had no self love and was needy .
He came to live with me in my house ( he had nothing ) and said if I didn’t put him on mortgage he would leave me so I put him on mortgage but solicitor said have a clause to stop him claiming on the part that I’d paid into which was valid until we married then I was hoping to have a child he pretended he wanted same and
He waited till we got married then froze me out , ignored me , until I left him and went to stay at my sisters , then he changed the locks and claimed I had left and had no right to the house because he had moved on and wanted a divorce .
All I received was a small amount from the house because he chose to stay in it and threw all my belongings outside, Refused to see or talk to me . This was over thirty years ago and I still carry anger for how he plotted and planned and lied just to get his hands on a house .
Dear Marisa!Thank u for ur messages.I tried hard to make peace with my mom.Now I m 30 and things r repeating.My marraige is also ended within few months.I m kinda feel to stay away from her.I try to cope up and being gud.But could nt.Everytime she made me as an object of blaming and it hurts me a lot.It made me more impulsive and I angry sometimes crying hard.Would u just tell me what should I do.?