Yes! I need extra time to answer questions. If someone asks how's work and really means it, I need more than just five seconds. I should remember to say I need some time to think, or I don't understand your question. Some decisions are life-changing and irreversible, and it's essential to take the time to think before you say, and really concentrate on it.
I'm an autistic guy, but I relate so hard to this too. If I bring up something in a conversation, it's only for the sake of bringing it up, and not some ulterior motive. It pisses me off when people assume I'm manipulating them, when I lack the social skills needed in order to manipulate in the first place.
exactly! The other day I was hitchiking, and trying to do small talk and not to stay quiet, to express friendliness. I was driven by a yound woman and a young man, and I asked them the only questions I could think of that wouldn't be either too private or too general - like which city each of them works in etc. The man said he was impressed how subtly I asked them questions that lead to answers mentioning where they live, which would help me guess who they are to each other, whether they are a couple and married or not. While not only did I not mean it or think about it, I actually didn't even care about their personal life, and if I'd consider it, I'd probably just leave the matter absolutely open and none of my business. I tried to keep the fun atmosphere and was like: yeah, sure, I'm so smart, I have a degree in Journalism. )) But I don't think I would've found the way to find out it subtly if I was interested in something like that, lacking, like you said, social skills.
It's funny how people perceive us. If they try to ask me questions but are not direct about it, they will get increasingly annoyed that I'm "dogding" the real issue. Thats why I started to smile a lot, as I've read a study that said, people are less likely to asume bad intentions when you smile. Even when you say things that are insensitiv, they might brush it of.
I related on a spiritual level to that last statement: how can you accuse me of manipulating when I lack the skills needed to manipulate someone in the first place.
Exactly. Manipulation appears to be an intrinsic part of socialisation, it can be used for both good and bad. I am not good at using it, but I think that I'm quite adept at seeing it in others. It's hurtful when ppl accuse me of being maliciously manipulative, I'm generally just confused. I think that this is done as a defence mechanism; ppl often react defensively when faced with something/someone they don't understand. Still sucks tho. 🌹
"The fact that I see somebody's negative attributes doesn't necessarily mean I think less of them. It's not a judgement, it's a statement of fact." You perfectly described the way I relate to most people in a way that I would never have been able to summarise myself
I have annoyed friends by not taking their side in arguments as I could also understand the other persons view of things. But on the plus side, I could never tolerate mobbing of any kind. And I made friends fast by defending people from bullys.
It makes it hard when I want to keep a centrist view about anything pol¡tical, I want to keep track and see when my amendment rights are going to get shat on (fugitively speaking), some people just do not care about the idea of free speech as it seems.
@@Yakarash One of my friends calls me a goody-two-shoes because I don't like it when she goes out of her way to annoy other friends. And there was this one time we found some papers that belonged to a dude called Happy(or something like that) and her plan was to call him and say "you're not so happy now, are you?", but I didn't let her say that and instead returned the papers so that no one called him again to bother him. She's not a horrible person, but sometimes she crosses the line
Maybe it's specifically my environment which isn't good here where I live..... But most people get mad at me and say that I never listen. Even when I repeat back what they say and I tell them I'm fully aware and understand. I just simply disagree. I have always been smart and aware of things so given the current state of affairs it shouldn't be surprising. I've always wanted to fight for the little guy but I've found that when I point out how hurting someone won't help I get dog piled. I want to help fix this world's problems and I recognize the difficulty is the misunderstanding on both sides. People call me not loyal for understanding others. It's a crazy time to be alive
Edit: Wow I barely remember writing this 😳 But yeah hi just wanted to add that I was recently diagnosed with ADHD lol. Turns out masking is a huge thing there too and that it overlaps a lot with autism so 💡🤷♀️ God.. I’m 25 and I now just figured out I’ve been masking probably my whole life.. I always kinda thought I was just lacking in a personality, and therefor adapted different personas to fit in depending on who I was with and what was deemed socially acceptable within that group. I’ve done this to the point where I don’t know what my true persona is and I feel like I’m not even a real person sometimes. Masking is exhausting, and to me often means pretending to be a more social/outgoing/extroverted person, and having to fake certain emotions. I’ve even been conscious in conversations of having to smile, nod or literally move my face more, because my resting face is mask-like and lacking in facial expressions. I’ve always been called ‘diplomatic’ or ‘too sensitive’ as slurs, yet apparently people also see me as a cold person who’s difficult to gauge..
Fuck. I relate a lot to the "not having a personality" thing. I've also been told that I'm nice (not really in a demeaning way, I think), diplomatic, a "chameleon" who gets along with everyone, etc. On the other hand, I've been told I also have a look of "not wanting to be bothered". Those seemingly contrasting points have created an atmosphere of confusion regarding my "true self"...I don't seem to know who that is, really. I can't gauge my personality accurately and always seem to feel that people are off somehow when they describe me. That's part of why I hate personality quizzes lol. Like, if you were to ask me things like, "what is your core belief" "what is one word that could describe you completely" I genuinely would not know. So due to all of this confusion, I've just adopted the perception that I'm a formless blob or blank slate with no true defining qualities, physically or emotionally. I wonder if a lot of autistic or might-be autistic women feel that way. Sorry if I rambled and used too many commas and quotation marks, heh.
@@m.jackson6802 I relate to so much of what you say. It's hard to uncover who I truly am. I have found participating in women-only Facebook groups of Aspie women to be super helpful overall, although not specifically about my identity. I think that will be something that will take a lot of time & trial & error. It's good to find other women online who understand me after a lifetime of being the odd one out.
YES to all of this! I was diagnosed in my late 30's, and I've spent so much of my life both masking and "mirroring" whatever group of people I was around that I've been able to score some choice roles in amateur theatre with next to no actual stage training, just from all my practice playing the part of a person! At the same time, I've been accused of being an ice cold, manipulative bitch, of only ever being in anything for myself, and never understanding how anyone came to that conclusion, when I was always trying to focus on everyone else around me. The joys of Aspie life, right?
As an 'allistic' father, I'm hoping the day comes that masking becomes a thing of the past. It hurts to see someone you love having to expend so much energy on trying to 'fit in'. It is not the autistic person that is 'broken', it is society and their social norms and mores. A lot of what you're saying I already try to do with my adult son, and it is reassuring to think that I've got it right (for the most part). There's a lot more for me to learn (and there always will be), but I think it is important that if people with autism have to expend so much energy in masking, maybe allistic people need to reciprocate by learning how to truly listen. I did not find this video by accident...my son shared it on Facebook. I'm listening.
@@kidzinamerica2008 I hear you. I've taken to referring to my biological father as "the sperm donor", as that's really as he's been worth to me. I've not spoken to the man in a decade, gave up on wishing he would ever love me, and am much healthier for it.
Many times people have accused me of being a snob, judging, generally thinking about them, claiming I "must be", when actually I hadn't given them a second though and don't speak with anyone. Pure projection.
Aman. They don't come to mind until they come in my presence being "fake" with indirect or subliminal insults that they deny if you confront them claiming you're paranoid but get with others claiming they directly told you what they subliminally said.
Along with being alienating, being misunderstood is exhausting. And in some cases, annoying. Though it's often that people aren't meaning to misunderstand, it is something that gets annoying after constantly being misunderstood. Especially several times in a few minutes.
omg.. i totally know what you mean. I don't know if I'm autistic or adhd or whatever is different in my mind (but can relate to nearly all of that stuff to the point where i cryed my eyes out when i did my research) but i just don't understand how people can get me so wrong all the time. -.- It's really horrible and annoying, even more since i have been in Lockdown for nearly a year. I just don't know what the fuck is wrong with my sentences that people just DON'T understand what I mean?? Sometimes i can try to explain multiple times in a row what i mean or that i already understood what the other person meant and THEY. JUST. DONT. GET. ME.!! It's always like "Shall i do it this way?" "NONONO NO let me explain again do it blablabla this way" "That's... exactly what i just said." I even think about my sentences afterwards but i can't find anything wrong about them and i t drives me crazy that it seems I'm talking some different kind of language -.- Like I'm not an Idiot with poor grammar, i read about thousand books and write a lot in general. Sorry for the vibes but today in work was a "perfect example" for that stuff and your comment just hit my nerve and i had to say YES YES YES to it
I have shocked people when I first dropped the mask. I have always been obsessed with social behavior as it seemed to me, that everyone else had a secret language I wasn't in on. I can appear very social as I've learned to copy the socially gifted women in my family. I am just incapable of building friendships with anyone other than my husband. I think he is autistic too because we both communicate in the same fact based way, wich overwhelms a lot of people. We both hate lying and it seems very weird to us how other couples don't talk about everything as open as we do. We had to take a marriage seminar with our pastor before getting married - which is standard in our church - and after the first meeting he told us he had never met a couple who knew each others opinion on every single topic he could think of.
@@MissShembre I am happy for you that you've found someone who thinks the same way you do. For a long time I couldn't understand how everyone around me seemed to act so irrationaly. Now I get it. They don't hyperfocus on details and follow their emotions. It was such a relief to discover that my brain works differently. Now I can accept other peoples behaviour more easily and understand that I am blind to some part of life. I will never enjoy parties and social gatherings in the same way, and I don't have to force myself to be someone I am not.
Totally get what you said about seeing life on a greyscale rather than absolute black and white. I always get told I’m very diplomatic as I see things from all angles and don’t judge people for their opinions, but I can see how it can come across as being fake, or two - faced as people don’t usually get on with everyone whereas I try my best to, as to me everything is pretty subjective anyway.
Around the age between 25 and 30, I came to the realisation that I had been putting a constant mask since teenage years. Around 25 I came closer to my true self and started listening more to my introvert and sensitive side. I went out less, avoided loud and crowdy places, became more aware and selective on who and what to spend my time/energy on. People started saying that I changed. The way they said it was in a negative way, as if they thought I was losing myself... while it was the other way around. The real me finally dare to show herself. I found myself. It's interesting how people saw it as negative, assuming that everyone would be most happy with a bussy, social outgoing life. It still bothers me those standards of society. I have to still convince myself sometimes that it's fine not wanting to be a part of that, and that it doesn't mean I'm missing out. That my life is valid and interesting in it's own way.
My sister coined "resting arrogant face" to describe my normal expression. No wonder people have such a negative reaction to me: they figure I am judging them while I am typically thinking about something else entirely.
Man, the number of times I've stated what seems to me to be a neutral fact about someone's creative work, and they take it as an insult... "This character isn't acting in a way consistent with the canonical character" is an observation, not a way of badmouthing your fanfic! There's nothing inherently wrong with writing characters in a way that doesn't mesh with the canonical portrayal! I also know someone whose traumatic upbringing left them with a kind of PTSD over the perception of being judged or ranked, and when I brought up a theory I have about the levels of progress in a creative medium (from scribbling/doodling through to mastery of the craft), it led to a huge blowup over what the very concept of some pieces of writing being objectively "better" than others. But I don't see "this child's doodle is objectively less skillfully crafted than the Mona Lisa" as somehow implying that the kid's scribble is worthless or meaningless or that anyone should be ashamed of creating art at that level. (Or even that all creators ought to be ranking up as far as they possibly can -- if all you want to do is write the same tropey fanfic over and over and never progress beyond that, why should that be a problem?) And heck, I might be *more* inclined to hang a child's doodle on my wall, if the child means something to me or the doodle is particularly interesting. But I don't see judgment of skill/craft as wholly subjective, either.
@@Arkylie Thanks for your comment, now I know why that woman was bizarrly angry at me for just pointing out it'd be nice if there were a white shade in the palette.... sigh
Autistic people see things differently than the norm, so we notice different qualities of things, so we don't naturally sort things the way we're expected to, so we want it to be more clear which categories things are meant to be in so we're able to follow along with sorting them. I don't think our perspectives are fundamentally richer, I think they're just different and thus richer in unconventional ways while also poorer in conventional ways. So we're seeing shades of grey where most people wouldn't, but missing elsewhere shades of grey that most people would catch. It sounds like a disagreement or a contradiction but I think saying that we see things more black and white and in more shades of grey are both right, just it depends in a very complex way upon which particular thing and which particular autistic person.
I never agreed with the black and white thinking thing though I can see how that might get attributed to us. For example, if I find I can't read enough cues to figure out who has my back and who's out to stab me in the back I might conclude that if I can't figure out who to trust then it's best to trust no one. (Or in my case, trust everyone and have faith that I won't be hurt--or that most people can be trusted. You can imagine how that's worked out.) That's not the same as having black and white thinking--that's seeing my limited options for a particular thing and choosing what seems to be the best option. (That choice was made long before getting diagnosis where I might have worked with someone to see if there were tips or tricks to developing discernment skills given what I now know about what I miss.) Yours is the best explanation I've seen of this yet.
I've never been told I was two-faced or manipulative (I have been accused of being "nice" as if it were a slur). However, allistic people read into everything and boost emotional content. That means they impose their interpretation on what's being said instead of what you're actually saying. And so I am misunderstood quite a bit. What most annoying about that is how allistic people seem to infer the negative whenever possible; meanwhile, I'm giving everyone the benefit of the doubt. I'm also not a good mimic--I can mimic for about as long as an interview (for me, that means me being me while not being obviously odd). I don't know how anyone has energy enough to do it longer than that. Also, being authentic has been very important to me, and so while I can play a role (e.g., church greeter, workshop provider), I am being me within a role. In fact, it's easier to be within a role (versus masking) because there are parameters to the role that I well understand and I'd rather be a greeter at church talking to strangers than having to repeat the same small talk to church members I already know. And I don't mind confrontation if I think it appropriate to say something even sometimes when it's probably not (meaning, I'll get hurt). For many reasons, I've been stupidly courageous much of my life. I know I was likely bullied as a young kid, but what really got me was when I saw some younger kids being bullied. I sort of became a justice warrior when that happened. (The way Greta told off the UN is how I told off teachers at the moment when they engaged in meanspirited powerplays. If they were going to embarrass fellow students, then they were going to have the opportunity to feel the same way. I have more tact than that now, though it wouldn't be beyond me. So I've been kind and nice and THAT.) While I would have liked to have fit in, it was pretty apparent that that was unlikely. In many ways, I'm more a mix of the characteristics attributed to autistic males and autistic females.
same. I can relate to everything you've written here, especially the role playing. I was amused by how easy it was to "fool" people sometimes & played with different image presentations of myself. Kind of made me sad how shallow many people are actually :/
It is nice meeting someone who also became a social justice warrior as a child. I would get into fights with all my teachers because they demanded respect simply because they where in a position of power. I never disrespected them. They just always perceived me that way. I guess I had not learned to mask and copy other children at that point. I actually hate conflict but somehow I got a reputation as someone who loves to pick a fight. Can not shake that Reputation even as an adult although I have a hard time saying NO to even strangers.
@@Yakarash Same here. I hate confrontation and yet I also get labeled as someone who likes to pick a fight. I don't like it, but I won't stand for a perceived injustice, false accusations on my character, nor misrepresentations of known facts, either. I have taught myself to bite my tongue from time to time just to save myself some trouble (some folks aren't out to understand and be empathetic as I once assumed so it makes no sense to act on that assumption) but it bothers me greatly.
The extreme grey scale thing is SO ME!! In high school one of my favorite book series was a pro - con debate based series on different political issues. And I really could logically see each side - no matter how polarizing the subject was / is.
THIIIIIIIIIIIS. Now, while I've never directly been accused of being two-faced, my whole life I've been misunderstood in this way. That "negative attributes are not a judgement but a statement of fact" hits the nail on the head for me. It took me a long time to learn "tact". But the only way for me to understand that concept was to put my empathy/"looking at things from multiple viewpoints" into overdrive. I came to find out, however, that most ppl don't want multiple points of view. Most ppl want you "on their side", especially in a conflict. That was SO hard to understand because I considered myself to BE on their side, and again, just looking at things the way diplomacy and tact (ie: tools for RESOLVING conflict and socially accepted ways of looking at a situation) demanded I should. I spent a long time learning diplomacy and tact and I still got it wrong! These days there's like, a whole flowchart in my head for this kind of thing?? 'cos I want to communicate what I really think but not drive away a person I like, be misunderstood, or make a situation worse and escalate a conflict.
It's not just Women Sam, I've had this the whole of my adult life and have lost many jobs over it. Especially when I've not done anything wrong!!!!!!!!!!!! It's had a very deep psychological impact on my entire life :(
Sorry to hear that, I know how hard it can be. Interesting to hear that it happens to men too, because autistic women are "known" for masking, I think being misunderstood must be the loneliest part of the autistic experience.
Yo Samdy Sam I’ve heard of men mention masking before. Also some people with the opinion there is no difference in autism across genders just social gender expectations being different causing autistics to act in different ways. Which, my thoughts on that are pending. But to build on that idea a little, perhaps masking is seen as more ‘typical’ in women because traditionally men were diagnosed by obvious physical signs eg. Hand flapping, special interests etc. where are females when diagnosing they had to shift their attention a bit to take into account the primary elements they were looking for weren’t there or weren’t as obvious in females and so the spot light shifted. Giving each gender stereotypical autistic markers used for diagnosing and perhaps not looking deeper into how autistic markers were similar across genders since the male’s spotlight was on the physical markers like stimming and not the masking and the female spot light was on the masking rather then the stimming etc it was there to mask. Or something like that. Basically the gender stereotype for males focused on stimming etc. over masking and the female stereotype focused on masking over stimming etc. The genders may have both things it’s just the focus is more on one element then the other due to diagnosis markers and so the other autistic traits falls to the wayside in terms of stereotypes due to it not being a diagnosing marker. Which also makes sense given how hard it can be for females to be diagnosed so obviously people are focusing on the diagnosing trait that can help those diagnosing look past their gender. Then again there is also the question of the gender bias and age difference with boys being diagnosed as babies even as young as 3 years old (maybe even earlier?) and girls being diagnosed as teenagers or adults (very rough example given I don’t know the common gender diagnosing ages.). So there are questions like ‘Do people see autism in boys more easily because they expect to see it in boys? Are boys diagnosing markers more physical like stimming because they haven’t learnt to mask them yet unlike girls diagnosed years later typically due to a masking burnout when they can no longer hide their physical markers like stimming or struggling socially etc?’ Basically maybe there is some differences in how brains are wired in terms of gender but... regardless of if they are or if they aren’t there does seem to be overlap and outside influences to consider. So perhaps one could consider ‘stereotypically females are more know for their masking then males due to the issues with burnouts and late diagnosing unlike males who are typically(?) diagnosed earlier before they learn to mask due to society expecting autism more in boys and thus diagnosing them earlier before they have the chance to get better at masking or even learn how to mask.’ Or something along those lines... since there is still questions like ‘are boys more likely to react physically via head banging, stimming etc then girls? are girls better maskers then boys? Are outside influences, expectations etc effecting things? is it not so much differences on a gender basis as on an individual basis?’ etc. it’s sort of all up in the air with a ton of variables. So basically greyscale thinking, like in the video. XD but seeing males mention masking has made me more open to that idea in one form or another. :) Also you hear about autistics being taught how to fit into society what is that except masking? Some of us just learned how to do it without being prompted to, or rather we were prompted to do it by society rather then professions (or anti-autistics ‘professionals’).
Philip Blundell If you’re interested in recommendations for male autistic youtubers there is Connor Ward, I’ve watched some of his videos and I think he may have mentioned masking at some point... but I’m not entirely sure, since at a quick search it doesn’t look like he has done a video on masking specifically. He does react and review videos but he also has videos or moments where he is just rambling and putting thoughts out there and how autism effects him. If that’s something you’re interested in. Note: There is more then one Connor Ward on TH-cam so you may want to search via ‘Connor Ward autism’ or something.
@@moonettewolfsong9960 I think the social awkwardness is a thing that makes people ignore girls. Girls are expected to be rather silent and shy and that fits the symptoms of autism. I know girls who'd show all the typical signs and still wouldn't get diagnosed until adulthood, funnily even in families where the son already had a diagnosis and the girl showed an even bigger impairment in the social section than the boy. But hey, she behaved herself (=followed rules) and had good grades so everything is fine right? Oh she doesn't go out (because she doesn't have friends) but that's OK, because who'd want their daughter walking around in the dark at night, right? Oh, she doesn't like fitting clothes, but that's OK because it's best to not show the boys your curves, right? Oh, she likes organizing her room, that's great she'll be a good wife. Oh she likes to fiddle with her hair (=stimming) maybe she wants to become a hair dresser. She is interested in psychology to understand people, she'll make a good mom.
So, when I’m out with the general public/friends/acquaintances, I “hold my cards closer to my chest”, while when at home I let my guard down, I’m told I am not being nice (or worse). I’ve found friends that have accepted my idiosyncrasies even if I’m not always using the best words. They understand or at least give me a pass because they know my brain doesn’t work like theirs. I’m learning to ignore the people who “don’t have time” to want to understand that I’m different. Right or wrong, I have to live my life the way I can without worrying about what others think of me (with the exception of doing my best to be kind).
Your background seems to be moving. I have a mask on most of the time even my parents. It’s mostly off when I’m alone with my sister. Or when around other neurodivergents. But gosh it’s tiring when you work retail. I need a good vacation away from neurotypicals.
Yes and retail job has always struck me as an absolute nightmare in terms of masking. The times I've had temp jobs in customer facing roles I've ended up crying by the end of the day.
I have unintentionally developed what I jokingly call “Customer Service Face” and “Customer Service Voice,” and while working in customer service is a nightmare, I’ve found that embracing a sort of persona for work like this allows me to conserve more energy for situations that are even more difficult for me (parent-teacher nights, the DMV, art events, meeting new people, etc.)
When I applied for a job as a face painter, and I was asked 'do you mind wearing costumes?', I honestly answered "I'm wearing one." And yes, her background moves in some videos. I'm thinking curtains or it is draped, it is distracting, but we don't know how limited her space is for the video moment.
Retail, ahh yes, retail. I was in and out of retail from 1982 to 2005 before being diagnosed autistic. I remember a couple store managers commenting on things they didn't understand about me & looking back after the autism diagnosis their comments were about autistic traits which none of us knew at the time even were autistic traits. And now I wonder how much the energy expended in such long term intense masking was involved in my now having had ME/CFS and fibromyalgia for 20 years. But yeah, both my body and mind show signs of just plain burnout. My body has always been defective in several ways independent of things connected with autism. Short of divine revelation I don't know how to determine at this point which came from what; or even if doing so is truly necessary. What is, is, and I can only deal with what is. And then there's the thing about being diagnosed bipolar in early 1980s _(before autism was a thing and definitely before it was a thing with people in their 20s)_ and treatments for bipolar backfiring and only making the problem worse -- until that day decades later when one paid professional said that I was autistic, not bipolar, and had never been bipolar. My life would have been so much better if the autism diagnosis had come in 1967 instead of 2007. But, again, what is, is, and I can only deal with what is.
I mask without realizing. I agree with you motherhood strips me of my "masking power." I feel so empty. Lots of emotional turmoil this week, growth spurts and so I've had meltdowns. :( I didn't even know masking was a thing. I thought everyone did this. All these "masking" traits were attributed to BPD at my assessment. That hurt. I do feel like I did struggle with BPD at one point in time, I think the underlying factor is ASD, but it was not accepted or validated. I feel so lost.
@@CrazyCoon100 Have you found an online community to belong to? I find that meets most of my needs for contact with people, without me having to leave my lounge room.
Hi vegan mom. I’ve watched your channel- well done for that👍🏻 I got diagnosed with BPD too but it didn’t completely resonate. This is a new discovery & I’m crying right now because I feel “seen.” Masking my whole life. Had a complete nervous breakdown after uni. I think I had lots before then actually. Every new transition in life has been so difficult to adjust to. There’s people with Autism here on TH-cam who’re telling their story & my life & myself is making more sense now. I’ve been blaming myself & thinking I was wrong or bad or stupid or lazy...but I know those things aren’t true! I’ve done a lot of therapy. Now I’m doing DBT. I also love Hannah Gadspy - the Aussie comedian with autism. Shes awesome!
When you talked about seeing things in shades of grey and just seeing things factually about people having positive and negative traits, and still liking them... I felt that. It also feels frustrating. Isn't that the right thing to do, morally? To not judge people severely, and not to just take sides out of loyalty?
I'm a bit late to the show, but I appreciate your videos for the content and how you articulate what you're trying to convey to others. I can relate to so much of it. I agree with you about just staying quiet in social situations, as to avoid confrontation, or hurting someone's feelings. It can be quite complex, which I have found makes it a bit frustrating to explain to others at times. I think you do a good job at it. I was diagnosed as being on the spectrum just three years ago (age 48).
I totally relate to what you're saying. I studied linguistics (French and English) then IT engineering for 9 years and although I had a very high IQ and EQ, I was wearing a mask too, until it led to severe bullying at work, which led me to become a translator so I could work from home. There was no way I could have coped with working in the corporate world with twin-babies, I totally lost any confidence I had left. I work on my own without any noise or stressful/toxic colleagues and managers who told me that only a man could be an IT Engineer and that really broke me. Being at home and being able to work on my own and be my own manager is really great because I can take naps, organise my days (grocery shopping, doing the laundry or the cleaning), which means I can also choose with whom I work with and it's just perfect for me. As you say, having conversations with people who get me is less draining than with non-autistic people, I don't have to wear a mask and I allow myself to be who I am without being judged. Tree-like thinking is odd for neurotypic people, they look at you like you're an alien and it can lead to severe bullying because you cannot deal with confronting them, this is just the way we deal with such problems, it's just too hard and if you start justifying yourself, it only gets worse. I just couldn't stand shallow conversations and people who slagged each other off behind their back at work at lunch time. I ended up crawled up in my car in the winter so I wouldn't have to be with them. And open spaces and stressful people who yelled on the phone, the AC which made me freezing in the summer (21° when it's 35° outside, horrible) and the neon lights, having to deal with a new team and manager every 3 months was impossible to deal with. I just gave up. People actually yelled at me because they felt and knew I was weak at the time and close to having a burn-out and working became a mental torture. Great video, I am a huge fan and if you want to learn French some day, Julie Dachez, who has a PhD in social sciences has a great TH-cam channel and wrote a book about the subjet called 'Dans ta bulle' (In your Bubble).
I am arranging for diagnosis now. Realised this week. Clicked. My concern is that I don’t seem to be the typical “male” autistic. I am a very systematic thinker - but also very emotive and emotional. Also very good at masking.
I have to work with the public and small talk is a part of my job. It rarely comes easily. I have to act. On the few occasions it goes awry. I use my very own get out clause... "Honestly, I am not in the least bit interested. I was just making conversation because you... didn't"
I was recently diagnosed in NYC very late in life I am in my late 50s and was diagnosed and I am finally getting the tools needed to deconstruct so much damage. Your videos are wonderful and precious to me! Thank you and I downloaded this to replay again for myself and others. I wish you and your family health and many blessing in the new year
Story of my life, along with the Alexithymia (I scored beautifully high on the test). Thank you for sharing. With the addition of the comments I feel at home, and sane. I see the solutions to everything, so when I see the negative in someone, I know where it's coming from and how it can be changed. Not very helpful if the person just wants to vent. I have a constant battle between listening and offering advice, like, "do you just want to moan about it, or do you actually WANT to stop repeating this pattern?" Most of the time as soon as I offer a different perspective of seeing their situation, they will counter with all the reasons why that isn't true. Once I identify that pattern with someone, I switch to agreeing with them instead. And I recognise, of course, where I do this to myself, all the bloody time. Thanks for being a part of my solution! 😃💞
Wow, this really just hit the nail on the head for me. I live in two different places due to a divorce, and both parents have very different beliefs. I find that whoever I’m with, I believe their views of the world. This makes transitioning from house to house and masking in the polar environments extremely difficult and draining. It makes so much more sense why I’m like this. I thought I just couldn’t think for myself, it’s freeing realizing that I’m just good at seeing both sides of the argument.
The more of your videos I watch, the more I think I have autism. I can relate to pretty much all of this. My mom told me recently that she suspected I might have it when I was little, but she didn't tell me. The reason she didn't tell me was because she knew she could raise me to survive in social situations without knowing, and she did raise me well... Although, if I do have it, I might want to get a diagnosis simply to have someone help me cope with it
This is me 100% i just thought all my life i was normal but just not good enough at being normal like everyone else. It was only when i realised im autistic that my life for the first time made sense. I have completely lost my identity because of masking. Im 37 and only starting to piece myself together but im far too afraid to be the real me in front of anyone apart from my husband. Everyone would be shocked, wouldn't understand and would think im so rude or inappropriate or just confusing to them (even though im nice really!) I would love nothing more than to be authentic though. Masking is EXHAUSTING
OMG... I tried to explain to someone (before I even suspected) that I have “personas” that I use to prepare myself for specific situations. I have “business me”, “wife me” (for husband’s family and business functions), and “social me.” Their reply was “If you can pretend to be it, then aren’t you actually really that?” No. No. No. It’s exhausting. And this was even before I ever heard of masking.
You are not alone, we are all just hiding under a mask but we're definitely out there. I personally have found most of our kind by just finding women with ''odd'' hobbies/talents, something normal people would usually not care about as much. Being around them and open about our interests is something I appreciate a lot.
L5940 I have been belly dancing for 3 years and recently started ballet, I have found combine these two styles are one of the most beautiful art forms one can come across in a lifetime. Odd enough interest, I guess
@@elainelee4828 It's really about the passion we put into our interests. The fact that you describe it as the most beautiful art form of your life is very familiar to me as I have felt that sensation while learning to draw and while learning to dance (mixture of different dances with ballet, traditional dance and modern dance). It's emotional as it seems like nothing else in the world matters as long as you can perform your artform, even if it's just kept for yourself alone. The enthusiasm you feel when you learn something new of that subject and perform beautifully, nothing in life can compare. I'm glad you found your interest.
L5940 you hit the nail on the head. That is exactly what I experience! I dance at home everyday for 90-120 mins. Just for my own pleasure. It is spiritual.
@@elainelee4828 I understand completely. It's very important for people like us to have something like that. The world can become awefully dull when you don't have things to love. I can be a bit too much distracted by things like that sometimes though but oh well.
People always seem to think I’m agreeing with them in conversations, but really I’m being agreeable and getting them to flesh out their ideas deeper than they probably would on their own. I’m very hesitant to challenge them even when I strongly disagree at least in part because of the habit of presenting as socially acceptable. Also I just like exploring ideas and getting to know where people’s ideas are coming from. The result is often that people seem to believe I’m totally on the same page as they are. Also in a group of people, I’m quite lost as to who I’m supposed to be if that makes sense.
Omg... this is 100% me!! 😱😱 Thank you for explaining, I'm learning so much from you ... and maybe finally understand what was "wrong" with me my entire life. I'm also 33 and still on the hunt for an accurate explanation for my behaviour. I've found so much.. infp-t, hsp, etc... my diagnose is depression and borderline, but I know that's not entirely true.. maybe a result. Thank you so much!
this really resonated with me. I'm not sure if I come across as two faced - but I know I have to be careful with what I say to other people because they may take it as a personal attack, a judgement, or just flat out misunderstand to the point where I go "wait? what? what just happened? what did I say that was so bad? " when they respond back to me. Believe me - I don't intend to be hurtful or mean or intentionally antagonistic. It just comes out that way. When I was a kid - I was so good at unintentionally hurting other kids feelings (I didn't realize the hurt feelings thing until years later) that I just stopped saying more than one or two words to other kids/people. It didn't help that I went thru grade school with same 28 kids in my class. Once you got "labeled" you were stuck with it for life. Being forced to interact with adults was also bad - I could never figure out what response was the "right response". I know my mom got mad at me when I said the wrong thing - so I just stopped answering and got labeled as "shy". My parents didn't coach me or help me figure out what it was I was suppose to say. When I do manage to "say the right thing" - that's when i feel like I'm lying, being manipulative, or disrespecting the other person (or group). Even when what I'm saying will be taken the way I feel. When I was a kid - I thought I was the only person who wasn't "psychic" who couldn't sense some other thing/part of communication - there was "talking" and "body language" but there seemed to be some other part of communication (I imagined it was direct brain to brain waves ) that I couldn't receive/do. I felt like I was always flying blind. And I still do. everyday.
I’ve never actually been told I’m two faced but I’m actually worried that I AM two faced. I’m so freakin blunt that I’ve learned to keep my true opinions locked up and select the appropriate answer like a freakin visual novel. It’s so annoying, because I’ll think I’m joking but I don’t realize I hurt someone’s feelings with my bluntness until I hear from someone else and then I feel horrible for days.
Yessss. I tend to be very tight-lipped about myself as well, so I rarely share my own thoughts and opinions with most people. So I also get the complaint that I'm two-faced because "I never knew you felt that way!" As in, I act pleasant enough and socially charming regardless of how I personally feel about the company or the subject, and it upsets people that I appear to be "hiding" my true feelings...I think? But IDK why they can't be bothered to simply ask me my true opinion rather than just assuming it and then feeling hurt when it was different to their assumption. Or why it bothers people that I try to not make a scene or confront people? I suspect maybe they're just mad/fearful/suspicious that they couldn't tell from looking at me.
This is relatable. I can be looked as being two-faced, because I see certain things in grey scale, because I agree with both sides (depending on the topic), but I can also be blunt when I have to. But I also hate confrontation, when I obviously see a pattern of behavior that is a bit troubling and needs to be addressed. I have a good friend, where I see these patterns of behavior, but because of how much I avoid confrontation, as close as we are, I can't bring myself to use my own bluntness to address a problem. Mostly, because I don't want to hurt him and make him think I don't want to be friends, or for him to think of me as being mean/terrible, because I'm in such a grey area of thought when talking about certain topics. (It shows a lot what I'm like and how I was raised, in a family that tried to understand what was wrong with me, get me necessary treatment and therapy) I'm 24f (born '96) and I was diagnosed with ADD (elementary) and later in life a mild form of Autism (2012). I was raised to be nice and respectful (living more or less by the golden rule, you treat others how you want them to treat you basically). I've learned the hard way some of the social cues and many other things that makes me the person I am today. Sometimes I just feel like I don't fit in anywhere, whether it be with neurotypical people or with other people with Autism, which probably makes me put on a mask and it can be really draining sometimes, and makes me feel burnt out on things I enjoy doing (gaming, instrument playing, art in the form of painting and drawing. One of the only hobbies I still enjoy without feeling drained is growing peppers from seed)
YES. I always felt like I was fake and felt really sensitive about being accused of being fake and wondering if it really was true and I felt really bad, but then when I realized I was autistic it was such a relief to understand what masking is.
Now I must say something. I don't know if you'll ever read this comment, but THIS is the video that has me convinced that I'm probably autistic. I am 36 and I was just diagnosed with ADHD a little less than 2 months ago and it is already shifting my world. But THIS... I mean, everything you say in this video is exatly what I have suffered my entire life and still very recently. I am literally blown away. I had never heard anyone describe so accurately what it looks like to be me inside AND what it looks like from the outside.
Another reason I’m seen as two faced is that when I do drop the mask I’m accused of being “fake”. My close friends that I trust have left after I’ve dropped the mask, only wanting the version of me that they’ve seen before, and how could I blame them? I was never the real me, so it’s unrealistic to expect them to accept to real me. Still, it gets lonely like that.
You're probably dropping a higher mask to reveal a lower mask which is still not the real you. Once you have let go of the lower masks as well, then you'll know what it means to be your true self. It's a beautiful thing, I wish you luck on this journey. I do have a channel that's currently titled executive dysfunction if you'd like to check it, although I'm not really up and running yet. It's pretty new but I do have a video about masking on there. The multiple layers of masks stuff isn't in there, it's a basic intro video.
Like my wise pastor taught me, the world ain't supposed to know the real us. Sanctified means to be separated from the world so of course they are only supposed to know us on surface level and I don't need to debate anybody. I'm not going to be someone else and claim I'm authentic. I'm going to be like the bible tells me to be. How you gonna ask someone to be authentic but ask infer they can't be right unless they act like you or everybody else? Lies
For me, I’ve always wanted to come off as a warm person. It’s the point of basically being a life goal, a “check point” for me. Because I feel like that’s who I am on the inside. A warm person. But unfortunately it’s hard to communicate that, because it just doesn’t naturally happen. I don’t do normal “warm things” on instinct. It feels like my love language was written in a different language and I’m constantly trying to translate it to common. Because else it’s just gibberish to most people. So I’m definitely masking, 100%, but I’m fortunate enough that I’ve always tried to weave it around that core goal. So I don’t feel as two-faced.
I didn't know how much I was masking until you brought some parts of it up. The people I'm around have always had a great influence on my behavior, sort of "When in Rome..." And in a new environment it takes me a short while to figure out how to be. And I have these moment of "Oh, friend A does it like this and has good results. I'll do what friend A does!" Then I get the similar results. Like I'm borrowing their skin for a task.
Mirjam Proos It wears you out after years and years of it and you end up not knowing who you are - or rather feeling that other people don’t know who you are.
@@tracik1277 Yeah... these days I'm finally understanding that my 'normal' was rather worn-out. About the 'who am I then' issue: I wrestled with it for a short period, but came to the conclusion that 'I' was the thing all of these faces-skins-masks had in common. Sort of like the center of a three-part Venn diagram. And accepted that nobody would ever know what that was, myself included - that all that could ever be done was to infer the shape of it via what could be seen. But also, it never seemed like a problem, because who on earth knows themselves through and through :P But even now that I know I do mask, I can't really _not do_ it. Wear a suit long enough and the suit starts wearing you.
I think these greyscale/B&W thinking /particular relationship with true/literally/need for objectivity/... things should perhaps all be looked at as parts of a heightened sensitivity to cognitive dissonance...?
I've actually gotten very anxious with cognitive dissonance and felt like it was "wrong", because society "says so"; yet, whatever spurred that CD made sense to me.
I am older and self-diagnosed. (They don't diagnose adults, esp. females, where I live. My son has been diagnosed.) What I hate is sharing with that person in the inner circle who you trust ... only to discover you've over-shared and for that relationship to implode. As I've gotten older, I've just trusted people less and shared less of my true self. I do feel my "resiliency" lessening as I age, though. Maybe that's why older women are looking for diagnosis more.
I leave nearly every conversation confused. I leave every group feeling as though they hate me cause people always ALWAYS assume what i said means something else. No what i said is what i meant end of story.
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In my recent evaluation, it came up that my intelligence had a lot to do with how well I masked. I had a therapist (who works a lot with autistics) tell me it was a sign of intelligence by trying to fit in and mask so effectively. My entire life growing up I was always perceived as stupid and unintelligent because I am actually autistic (slightly nonverbal). I sometimes wonder if I will ever be able to take the mask off completely. Perhaps not in this life. It's all still new to me and your videos help me a lot to understand myself. Thank you.
I have recently found your channel and am so thankful...your insights are amazing!!! My husband is finally starting to realize that it's "not just me" or "it's all in my head." Keep up the awesome work!!!
I am 99% sure that I am NT, but in general I relate to quite a few of the struggles that autistic people have, and for some reason have quite a few autistic friends. In recent times, your videos have been incredible resources for me, at first to explore how I myself work through your very nice explanation and detailed experiences, and now as a way for me to try and learn how to understand my autistic friends better and help them feel more comfortable. Through your videos I was able to understand more how they think and tend to speak their mind/approach problems, which helped a lot when I'm dealing with anxiety due to reading unnecessarily into what they mean when they say things. As someone with poor emotional regulations, sometimes misinterpreting things can mean that I can react quite strongly or negatively, and thus my friends are worried about communicating with me and causing misunderstanding/seeing my negative reaction. I feel really bad that I did not know about how they feel earlier, but thanks to your videos, I feel that I'm able to fight back on instinctually trusting my assumption and reading of the situation, and create more opportunity for me to get feedback on how I can improve when communicating. In general, I feel extremely blessed that my friends have let me enter their world a little and share a lot with me; I feel that my autistic friends are who I learn the most from and with whom I can grow the most as a person with. I cannot thank you enough for helping me understand my friends better, and I hope that being able to maintain a happier friendship means that I might be able to contribute back to their lives eventually as well.
3:18 Because of that "normal" people always get the impression of me that I have no own opinion. That I just say "yes" to everyone, because I "want to please them." That infuriates me massively. Just because I can empathizise better with all the possabilities, does not mean that I can not and do not think of my own. Thank you so much for your videos, they really help!
I say yes to everything because the bible says "agree with thy adversary quickly". They don't want to know your opinion if they think poorly of you. They just want you to speak your mind so they feel like they have a justifiable reason to revile you. That's why my wise Lord and savior didn't say a mumbling word when his accusers came to revile and lie on him before crucifying him. He knew PRECISELY that that's what their intent was. I have the holy spirit and it is a discerner of the intent of hidden motives like my Lord did.
I don't really have this issue because I often end up saying "it depends, ", or "no because ". Instead of agreeing with both sides, I disagree with both sides while pointing out where others were kind of correct, so that way I'm not two-faced but also don't appear to be a complete asshole
I've often been accused of lying when I was actually telling the truth. The truth just didn't fit to people's minds' patterns. They belived me when I was saying what they wanted to hear but was not true. I stopped doing it, it hurts me physically when I have to lie.
Does it matter if they believe you? You know who you are, right? No matter if someone else believes you. Now, if you fear for your safety or your ability to survive or something like that I totally understand, I've been there. But if that's the case, I just recommend finding people who will click with who you are naturally, they do exist. It could just be that you're in an unfortunate social grouping by accident
So thankful I encountered these videos, they are very enlightening, and helping me to better understand and even start to be kinder to myself. Thank you!
Absolutely yes to the 'shades of grey' thing. I've said exactly the same a hundred times. It's overthinking EVERYTHING to the absolute max. From every different angle. To the point of paralysis, usually.
Loved this, just the insight I needed right now with a difficult relationship. I find all your videos so helpful as I'm playing catch up after an extremely late autistic spectrum diagnosis at 68, though I do have a problem looking at you if there's a 'busy' or glittery background. ( I prefer the ones where I can see your cat on the bed etc.) But keep the autistic wisdom coming, we need you.
Thank you Sam … you just explained me without actually meeting me … this has been a massive frustration for me my whole life … and to be honest when your told enough times you are two faced you start to question it … This helped me feel human and maybe not such a bad person after all x
I am screaming YESSS!!! This is so me! OMG! I have described this to people for years and they think I'm crazy. I am just now finding out this is what I am experiencing! I relate so much to your videos!
Am not a woman but i relate to this so hard-- i find that i always focus entirely on what i have in common with someone, and will always agree with them, or find ways to see their perspective, and almost never say anything to contradict them (arguments i can't handle, it'll just take over my thoughts for days). Honestly there are upsides to this, i'm certainly not ashamed, but i'm always worried that i'm two-faced or insincere when in fact i know that it's a concerted effort to sincerely appreciate others' perspectives. Oh my god, avoiding conflict, how *terrible*..! Anyway, thank you for articulating this overall experience so well in this video!!
I relate so much to thinking in greyscale. When I was in university one of my subjects was philosophy and my answer to almost every single question I was asked was "it depends". People must have thought that I had zero solid opinions on anything 😅
I'm so glad you made this video. This is so nuanced, but so true and it was kind of jarring to hear someone verbally confirm something I've noticed about myself. I've been kicking myself for years for being a "follower" or "wishy-washy" because of how back and forth my views and opinions seem sometimes...
Omgggg this video is so relatable. I'm realising now that I've probably been masking since my teenage years, even inside my home eith my mother. My mask only started to break last year, when I got chronically sick because of stress, probably as you said, because it took me too much energy. But now looking back, I realise that I was sometimes consciously masking when I considered the situation high stakes: like a new social environment where I'm trying to make friends or at my job, at interviews with professors or potential employers etc. Although most of the time I was probably subconsciously masking to some extent. It also helps that my current partner is the only healthy and fulfilling relationship I've ever had (and I don't mean only romantic) so I feel like with him I can finally be myself again, as I hadn't been since I was a child.
I related to every single portion of this video. I have not been to see a doc yet but I am pretty positive I am autistic. After watching several of your videos this one almost confirms it for me. It's like you're describing me as a person and it's such a relief to know I am not alone. 💞
Thank you for putting all this into words! This is so relatable as someone who is AFAB and non-binary. I think this is actually true for autistic people who aren’t men (not just who are women), but femme presenting people likely get accused of the “two-faced” thing more due to social stigma/misogyny.
Masking .... had no idea there was a label for what I've been doing ny entire life and it's exhausting. I'll soon be 60 and I've never, ever fit in. You're videos have opened my eyes to the "why". I am SO autistic.
Oh that doesn't sound very fun, I'm sorry to hear you feel like you never did fit in. I feel that way too sometimes, although a lot of the time I do feel like I'm part of the crowd in a good way, like I'm being my true self and I'm not trying to fit in I just do it naturally. It wasn't something that used to be natural for me though.
Sad that I see so many ppl who go undiagnosed for about their entire life 😐 tho it's less about diagnosis but a major communication crisis we are in, that's why the world is so much out of balance
I have 2 consciousness. One actively listens. The other consciousness says, "They're talking too long. I'm going into my bubble now." While they are talking, I put in all the appropriate head nods. Meanwhile my other consciousness is coaching me, "Don't say anything that will cause her to continue."
I had to share this video with my best friend, because it perfectly describes from my point of view the kinds of things that others have questioned, criticized, and been offended by in me, and it's so hard to explain on the spot. It all seems totally logical, natural, and benign in my head, but it just does not come across that way to others who don't have access to my brain and have already made up their mind about me.
Oh gosh. I relate so much to being able to see things from multiple points of view and having empathy for all sides and it annoying people who just want me to take their side 🤦🏻♀️
"Seeing the world in greyscale, where everything is hazy and open to interpretation rather than being absolute." I felt that. One of the worst things someone can ask me is "Are you sure?" I am never 100% sure of anything. Reality is elastic, as far as I'm concerned, and there is always possibility of being wrong.
Wow. I watched a lot of your videos during the last two days. I‘m 39 and never really thought I could be autistic since I had that stereotype in my head. But now I‘m here close to tears and stomach churning - you describe „me“ so well, it‘s baffling. In regards to this video: I remember considering myself a chameleon since middle school…I was so good at sensing who people needed me to be and I gave it to them. But it was sooo draining. And I always lost when we had to do debates in class because as soon as my opponent started to speak I was like: yeah she/he really has a point, I can totally see it like that, of course this can be true…but my perspective (that I had to defend, not because I wanted to) seemed valid to me as well…god I was so confused and I hated speaking anyway 😅. Many heartfelt thanks for your videos, they truly explained my life to me like nothing could ever do 🥹
Hang in there. That may turn out for the best. Many practitioners aren't familiar with the female presentation so misdiagnose females (as being not autistic, or as having bipolar or borderline personality disorder). It also means you've escaped ABA, which is NTs trying to force you to act like them so that *they* feel more comfortable. There are pros & cons of being diagnosed/confirmed at a young age. If I were you, I'd live my life as if I were autistic (e.g. using earphones in noisy places, having a lot of downtime after socialising etc) and go for an assessment when you can afford it and after finding out who in your state/province is knowledgeable abt the female presentation of autism.
frolickinglions - thank you for the advice, but it isn’t the money which is the problem because I live in the UK and hospitals and doctors are free to visit (but we pay taxes for NHS) it’s the fact that they don’t believe me and they think it’s a waste of time checking , I will follow your advice though :)
Amazing video, I'm finding these so relieving to watch as it explains how i am. I got told I was "too nice it's suspicious" the other day. I get on with everyone but not particularly close to anyone.
... oh. So that just put a whole new slant on the way I can agree with people on opposite sides, well not new exactly but I never really followed the thought to it’s seemingly logical conclusion until you said it was because we could see both sides. Also the ‘we see the world more grey scale then others’ and here I thought that was just part of growing up. XD but yes that makes sense, although it’s weird because I can be very black and white about somethings and yet also be really grey scale. Or perhaps more accurately I want things to be black and white so I can understand it and yet also be really into grey scale, particually when it comes to the printed word or if someone verbalises what is going on because then I get a better view of what is going on, I can see and understand more. I figured out early on I love complicated emotional stories that really got down to the bare bones of the characters because it helped me really understand them in a way that I couldn’t really understand the world. Just this love for the greyness of the world while still wanting, perhaps needing, things to be more black and white in the real world so I could understand them, unless someone explained what was going on and then you just _see_ so much and perhaps not just from their side, you start to see the other person’s side too sometimes. As for not being confrontational, due to being worried about social norms, _exactly_ Also there is the whole needing that extra second to process things and not really figured out your stance and opinion yet being trapped in the middle and being able to see both people’s view and wanting to calm things down. Or just yep, shutting up because we realise saying something would likely just get our heads bitten off, expecially if someone is passionate about something or on an emotional rampage. Also someone close too you, you don’t want to hurt or upset is a big reason for staying quiet in some cases. Also there is the whole ‘using someone else as your social reference’ when you are constantly checking on those around you, expecially in highly stressful situation to check if you have taken a wrong step or something. In regards to the suggestions for talking environments, hell yes to the familiar safe home environment, one on one, time to process ideas! Also group chat ugh, those are stressful enough and something to avoid on a good day, zero time to process and to. many. people. to. keep. track. of. the conversations are so fast. >.< For good situations I’d just like to add somewhere they don’t have to look at you and where they can move around and don’t feel trapped aka ‘sitting down to have an honest chat’ or perhaps a family dinner conversation may not be the best place for some people. Also if these situations stress people letting them know they are free to leave the table whenever can really help the stress levels rather then not being allowed to leave until everyone is done because it’s not socially polite. (Speaking of stressers if something triggers you to stim on a regular basis and it’s not from happiness you may want to figure out why just in case there is a problem so you can remove or minimise it. Waving it off as ‘oh it’s just an autistic thing’ can come back to bite you later after you realise you’ve learned to ignore your body’s attempts to communicate to you. Since stimming can be because of happiness but it can also be a warning sign that you are struggling to cope with something. Pay special attention to what is triggering your stims if you are trying to suppress them, they may be trying to tell you something that you are missing because you are too busy trying to suppress them rather then understand them or just listen to what your body is trying to tell you in general.) Back to where I was: Oh and phones!! Some of us are phonephobic or text or phone call phobic. I never used to get why because ‘if someone struggles with body language, why would it matter if you can’t see the the person?’ Took me _ages_ to pin it down, basically if someone is part blind but they still see a little, they are probably using the little they have as much as possiable so taking away the little they see likely really effects them. So that is what phone calls are like for me. I’m not very good at body language but I can still get _something_ and a phone call takes that all away and not only does it take the body language away I now have to figure out body language just from a voice which really doesn’t give me any of the confirmational feedback I really need in social situations to check I’m doing things right. The voice may or may not be very clear, there is no body language in the form of gestures to go with it and people talk way too fast for me to process and expect an instant reply, so it can be something to avoid like the plague or something we write scripts for before even daring to pick up the phone aka you may want to check if they like phone calls or text or chat etc. emails can be good... good for getting your thoughts out and thinking things through etc. remembering to check emails and answer err.... you may just want to check if they like emails too. Google docs can be _amazing_ different colour for each person and you can tell if a person is just taking a moment to find the right words to say. There is just constant interaction rather then text someone, wait.... it just feels closer and slowed down to a manageable level so you can process more. The only problem is getting _off_ the google doc. I love google docs but they are black holes that you will happily die in because you already used up all your energy during the day and now you need recharge time except there is someone in google docs 24/7 and.. and... basically you may want to have the odd meetup with agreed upon times rather then... always. It can get a little life consuming... I’ve found long distance car trips one on one is good, although preferably not when I’m driving and maybe not the best place for stressful conversations. The best time I’ve found is unplanned conversations in the kitchen/dining room. The kitchen is open so if someone is doing something in the kitchen and starts chatting to me then I can join them in conversation while having room to move around, fidget, etc. and neither of us are really looking at each other. I also feel less unable to leave if I get stressed in that situation. I also have similar situations at work, both of us working so neither of us are expected to be 100% focused on the other and we are both moving around. So it’s all very casual, nothing structured and the conversation ebbs and flows as we move around doing our own stuff. For more casual friends it’s even better, a quick hello, a few minutes chat on the way to the locker room before separating (I use breaks to recharge so no socialisation) and just this ebb and flow without being too rude because everyone knows work comes first so conversations are almost guaranteed to not get too heavy because everyone is constantly moving around, very, very casual social without the pressure of standing together and making conversation, unless we happen to have already been talking and keep talking after work ends, which probably means I find that conversation interesting and not stressful. Also the whole ‘relax around people we know and like’ concept, exactly! Or even _places_ we feel safe. Eg. I will bounce around all the time and be really active at home, away from home I’m typically really subdued unless I’m around someone I feel comfortable with in which case I will suddenly become really chatty and do not stop talking as well as more energetic or even just if I’m thinking of something that makes me happy and forget myself, my walk with become way more bouncy. This also is probably to do a lot with masking on a subconscious level, society trains us to mask via social disapproval and we respond by behaving in a more ‘socially acceptable manner’ even if we are no conscious of it. When we feel _safe_ however all the stuff that was being masked comes rushing out, or we relax and just recharge. If someone doesn’t have a safe zone well... it ends badly but basically they might be considered less two faced because they don’t have a safe place to be and so all those things that are typically only shown when they feel safe are now showing up because there is nowhere to hide and they desperately need to destress and recharge but don’t have anywhere else to do it. Then again you might just call them bipolar or something instead because they will be swingingly wildly between trying to function and not. coping. at. all. So not fun. Sort of kidding about the bipolar (hopefully in a non insulting way) but considering people have talked about getting the wrong diagnosis multiple times before getting the right one... anyway the point is to someone else it may seem like massive mood swings out of the blue when really the person is just constantly being pushed past breaking point. Hence why stress free places are important.
Agreeing with both sides of a disagreement to try to avoid conflict, and because I can see from multiple perspectives at once. Just plain shutting up during a group conversation. Many people could benefit from what a wise man wrote long ago: "The one guarding his mouth protects his life, But the one opening his lips wide will come to ruin," and, "The one guarding his mouth and his tongue Keeps himself out of trouble." Observing and discerning what I should be/do to be accepted.
I usually try to phase out the "socially acceptable me" after a few interactions by giving some hints and warnings like "I don't have a lot of patience"... Or "I tend to be brutally honest and I have difficulty sugar coating my opinions even when I try..." usually people don't believe me at first because I look like a sweet cuddly bear at first, but after a while they start giving out these warnings to new comers.
I feel this is similar to things I do. I'm a lot more reserved at work, especially around the coworkers I'm unsure how to interact with, and one who has misunderstood me and now dislikes me. Around the persons I'm comfortable, I can be a random goofball, with periods of moments where I might be a little conscious if I'm going to say something wrong, or get the patterns wrong about when its my turn to talk.
I relate strongly with the struggle of when i am permitted to talk... listening for 10 min straight, steadily forgetting the points i wanted to reply to during the course of the talk is so painful
@@rufusneumann9703 I've adhd ontop of suspecting I'm on the verbal spectrum, for Autism. So, I get the painful part of forgetting points, if I don't get it out soon enough. It's a balance between listening, remembering what they are saying and the thing I was going to say, if it relates, etc. Or I just cannot think straight, and hold onto to whatever I was going to say by answering to them in short, "Ah." or "Yes" or "I understand'.
This hit me very hard... I also have complex pstd and childhood trauma, resulting in a dissociative disorder. Waiting on proper assessment but alternative personalities or "different shades of me"... This is how my brain works 🤯💙
Great vid. I don't think the "two-faced label" is purely an austic female thing. I know many austic men who will agree just to avoid conflict but then voice an opposite opinion in private. I hate any form of conflict - including public debate - one reason wny I would not have coped at well with being a uni professor. However, get me 1-2-1 with someone who shares a pet interest, and we can exchange knwledge in a non-combative way, and I'll discuss all night and thoroughly enjoy the experience. But growing up, I so often came across as "thick". Sitting very happily in my own little world, coping in my way in a group setting, and then suddely being awoken from my sense of calm by an abrupt question was my worst nightmare. I had an IQ in the gifted range but always seemed to others to be a "chapter or two" behind in the discussion.
I'm a boy and have the same problem. I just wrote it down as being "normal" cause people do something similar, but i always felt like my case was a bit more serious/extreme.
I was assigned female at birth, so I've done this as long as I can remember. It finally came to a head during the pandemic, and I no longer had to go to work in the office. My wife used to tell me I seemed like a different person at work; at home, I was agitated, irritable, obsessed with rules and change. That was the me my wife knew, not the one from the office. However, when we left the office, I no longer had to put on the mask. I cannot lie or be socially "acceptable" with people I really feel comfortable with, and now I don't have to be assaulted with the lights, the noise, the smells, and the interruptions. I didn't realize how much energy it took to be there.
The two-faced thing, when you agree with contradicting sides of a conflict because they both have a point - I've learned very early to carefully monitor & remember who is whos friend and what opinion they may hold about that conflict, and to be very careful how I phrase things, as to not come off as two-faced. To me, it's not contradictory, but society disagrees for some reason... OMG, I'm watching one of your videos after another and realizing I check pretty much every box. I've begun recalling things from my childhood: our neighbor complaining to my mother that "she's constantly staring at her feet when she's walking and not at people" when I was about seven (that's when I've started making an effort to compensate, I think); how my mum had to cut my hair because I was constantly touching it and chewing on it (I still fiddle with it whenever my hands aren't occupied); how as a child I tended to start crying when overwhelmed (or, according to other people, for no reason at all); how sound is sometimes physically painful; I also have my seasonal obsessive interests (they last for four months on average, then I move on to another interest, although I may come back to it a year or two later); or how I consciously and with great premeditation taught myself to start conversations when faced with strangers... I probably should get tested or something.
I have this huge issue when people expect me to "agree" with them, but I'm just stating a fact of a matter..so then they think I'm judging them. And sometimes I just fear being misunderstood so much, it really ramps up my anxiety and sometimes I stay quiet. But if it grates on my mind, I might bring it up again to explain myself. The immediate answer thing really gets to me. When people approach me in the office and bombard me with an unexpected flurry of asks, my brain is taking time to absorb all they've said to me but they are rushing me and then the way i reply feels unfriendly to them, but I literally just processing and feeling stressed that they are expecting me to process and reply so fast. In my head I'm thinking so many things, they said they want this, do I know how to do this?, Can I figure it out? What should I ask them? When do they want it by? How does it affect my existing schedule? What's the deadline?
As a really young person just researching this, I have been feeling a lot of this recently, and I was thinking that it was just me being fake or manipulative despite me caring for others more than myself. This makes a lot more sense.
![PASULOL รามเกียรติ์ ตอนที่ 4 นนทกพบรัก [Ramakien Ep.4: Nonthok in love]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/tMUQgmZzf_A/mqdefault.jpg)
Do you relate to this?
I'm not a social Aspie; but yes, I have been told this on occasion. :-(
@@AllanMacBain Remember, just because that's how you are perceived by neurotypicals does NOT make it true! You know yourself better than anyone!
Yes. It is the biggest root of my resentment and anger.
YES! I was always accused of being complete opposites when at home and when in school.
Yes! I need extra time to answer questions. If someone asks how's work and really means it, I need more than just five seconds. I should remember to say I need some time to think, or I don't understand your question. Some decisions are life-changing and irreversible, and it's essential to take the time to think before you say, and really concentrate on it.
I'm an autistic guy, but I relate so hard to this too. If I bring up something in a conversation, it's only for the sake of bringing it up, and not some ulterior motive. It pisses me off when people assume I'm manipulating them, when I lack the social skills needed in order to manipulate in the first place.
exactly! The other day I was hitchiking, and trying to do small talk and not to stay quiet, to express friendliness. I was driven by a yound woman and a young man, and I asked them the only questions I could think of that wouldn't be either too private or too general - like which city each of them works in etc. The man said he was impressed how subtly I asked them questions that lead to answers mentioning where they live, which would help me guess who they are to each other, whether they are a couple and married or not. While not only did I not mean it or think about it, I actually didn't even care about their personal life, and if I'd consider it, I'd probably just leave the matter absolutely open and none of my business. I tried to keep the fun atmosphere and was like: yeah, sure, I'm so smart, I have a degree in Journalism. )) But I don't think I would've found the way to find out it subtly if I was interested in something like that, lacking, like you said, social skills.
It's funny how people perceive us. If they try to ask me questions but are not direct about it, they will get increasingly annoyed that I'm "dogding" the real issue. Thats why I started to smile a lot, as I've read a study that said, people are less likely to asume bad intentions when you smile. Even when you say things that are insensitiv, they might brush it of.
I'm not sure if I am autistic, although do have a lot of traits that are common in autism but I relate to it as well.
I related on a spiritual level to that last statement: how can you accuse me of manipulating when I lack the skills needed to manipulate someone in the first place.
Exactly. Manipulation appears to be an intrinsic part of socialisation, it can be used for both good and bad. I am not good at using it, but I think that I'm quite adept at seeing it in others. It's hurtful when ppl accuse me of being maliciously manipulative, I'm generally just confused. I think that this is done as a defence mechanism; ppl often react defensively when faced with something/someone they don't understand. Still sucks tho. 🌹
"The fact that I see somebody's negative attributes doesn't necessarily mean I think less of them. It's not a judgement, it's a statement of fact." You perfectly described the way I relate to most people in a way that I would never have been able to summarise myself
I relate to the multiple perspectives thing. I can see someone's perspective as though I AM THEM even if I don't personally agree with it.
I have annoyed friends by not taking their side in arguments as I could also understand the other persons view of things. But on the plus side, I could never tolerate mobbing of any kind. And I made friends fast by defending people from bullys.
It makes it hard when I want to keep a centrist view about anything pol¡tical, I want to keep track and see when my amendment rights are going to get shat on (fugitively speaking), some people just do not care about the idea of free speech as it seems.
@@Yakarash One of my friends calls me a goody-two-shoes because I don't like it when she goes out of her way to annoy other friends.
And there was this one time we found some papers that belonged to a dude called Happy(or something like that) and her plan was to call him and say "you're not so happy now, are you?", but I didn't let her say that and instead returned the papers so that no one called him again to bother him.
She's not a horrible person, but sometimes she crosses the line
Maybe it's specifically my environment which isn't good here where I live..... But most people get mad at me and say that I never listen. Even when I repeat back what they say and I tell them I'm fully aware and understand. I just simply disagree. I have always been smart and aware of things so given the current state of affairs it shouldn't be surprising. I've always wanted to fight for the little guy but I've found that when I point out how hurting someone won't help I get dog piled. I want to help fix this world's problems and I recognize the difficulty is the misunderstanding on both sides. People call me not loyal for understanding others. It's a crazy time to be alive
SAME. In the current political environment, it means both sides think I'm the devil. 😔
Edit: Wow I barely remember writing this 😳 But yeah hi just wanted to add that I was recently diagnosed with ADHD lol. Turns out masking is a huge thing there too and that it overlaps a lot with autism so 💡🤷♀️
God.. I’m 25 and I now just figured out I’ve been masking probably my whole life.. I always kinda thought I was just lacking in a personality, and therefor adapted different personas to fit in depending on who I was with and what was deemed socially acceptable within that group. I’ve done this to the point where I don’t know what my true persona is and I feel like I’m not even a real person sometimes. Masking is exhausting, and to me often means pretending to be a more social/outgoing/extroverted person, and having to fake certain emotions. I’ve even been conscious in conversations of having to smile, nod or literally move my face more, because my resting face is mask-like and lacking in facial expressions. I’ve always been called ‘diplomatic’ or ‘too sensitive’ as slurs, yet apparently people also see me as a cold person who’s difficult to gauge..
All of this! Such a relief to have someone reach out from the screen and explain me to me so simply ! And also to find out many people are like this
Fuck. I relate a lot to the "not having a personality" thing. I've also been told that I'm nice (not really in a demeaning way, I think), diplomatic, a "chameleon" who gets along with everyone, etc. On the other hand, I've been told I also have a look of "not wanting to be bothered". Those seemingly contrasting points have created an atmosphere of confusion regarding my "true self"...I don't seem to know who that is, really. I can't gauge my personality accurately and always seem to feel that people are off somehow when they describe me. That's part of why I hate personality quizzes lol. Like, if you were to ask me things like, "what is your core belief" "what is one word that could describe you completely" I genuinely would not know.
So due to all of this confusion, I've just adopted the perception that I'm a formless blob or blank slate with no true defining qualities, physically or emotionally. I wonder if a lot of autistic or might-be autistic women feel that way.
Sorry if I rambled and used too many commas and quotation marks, heh.
@@m.jackson6802 I relate to so much of what you say. It's hard to uncover who I truly am. I have found participating in women-only Facebook groups of Aspie women to be super helpful overall, although not specifically about my identity. I think that will be something that will take a lot of time & trial & error. It's good to find other women online who understand me after a lifetime of being the odd one out.
YES to all of this! I was diagnosed in my late 30's, and I've spent so much of my life both masking and "mirroring" whatever group of people I was around that I've been able to score some choice roles in amateur theatre with next to no actual stage training, just from all my practice playing the part of a person! At the same time, I've been accused of being an ice cold, manipulative bitch, of only ever being in anything for myself, and never understanding how anyone came to that conclusion, when I was always trying to focus on everyone else around me. The joys of Aspie life, right?
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As an 'allistic' father, I'm hoping the day comes that masking becomes a thing of the past. It hurts to see someone you love having to expend so much energy on trying to 'fit in'. It is not the autistic person that is 'broken', it is society and their social norms and mores. A lot of what you're saying I already try to do with my adult son, and it is reassuring to think that I've got it right (for the most part). There's a lot more for me to learn (and there always will be), but I think it is important that if people with autism have to expend so much energy in masking, maybe allistic people need to reciprocate by learning how to truly listen. I did not find this video by accident...my son shared it on Facebook. I'm listening.
I wish my parents were like this 15 years ago. I also wish I had the diagnosis then.
I wish my parents would ever love this me this much.
@@weirdscorpio7817 Same here.
@@kidzinamerica2008 I hear you. I've taken to referring to my biological father as "the sperm donor", as that's really as he's been worth to me. I've not spoken to the man in a decade, gave up on wishing he would ever love me, and am much healthier for it.
neuralmute glad you found an empowering way to be, friend. Best to you
Many times people have accused me of being a snob, judging, generally thinking about them, claiming I "must be", when actually I hadn't given them a second though and don't speak with anyone.
Pure projection.
Aman. They don't come to mind until they come in my presence being "fake" with indirect or subliminal insults that they deny if you confront them claiming you're paranoid but get with others claiming they directly told you what they subliminally said.
Along with being alienating, being misunderstood is exhausting. And in some cases, annoying. Though it's often that people aren't meaning to misunderstand, it is something that gets annoying after constantly being misunderstood. Especially several times in a few minutes.
omg.. i totally know what you mean. I don't know if I'm autistic or adhd or whatever is different in my mind (but can relate to nearly all of that stuff to the point where i cryed my eyes out when i did my research) but i just don't understand how people can get me so wrong all the time. -.-
It's really horrible and annoying, even more since i have been in Lockdown for nearly a year.
I just don't know what the fuck is wrong with my sentences that people just DON'T understand what I mean??
Sometimes i can try to explain multiple times in a row what i mean or that i already understood what the other person meant and THEY. JUST. DONT. GET. ME.!!
It's always like "Shall i do it this way?"
"NONONO NO let me explain again do it blablabla this way"
"That's... exactly what i just said."
I even think about my sentences afterwards but i can't find anything wrong about them and i t drives me crazy that it seems I'm talking some different kind of language -.-
Like I'm not an Idiot with poor grammar, i read about thousand books and write a lot in general.
Sorry for the vibes but today in work was a "perfect example" for that stuff and your comment just hit my nerve and i had to say YES YES YES to it
"Why is it that my whole life I've been accused of being two faced or manipulative when that was never my intention at all"..... hit me so hard.😳😳😦
I have shocked people when I first dropped the mask. I have always been obsessed with social behavior as it seemed to me, that everyone else had a secret language I wasn't in on. I can appear very social as I've learned to copy the socially gifted women in my family. I am just incapable of building friendships with anyone other than my husband. I think he is autistic too because we both communicate in the same fact based way, wich overwhelms a lot of people. We both hate lying and it seems very weird to us how other couples don't talk about everything as open as we do. We had to take a marriage seminar with our pastor before getting married - which is standard in our church - and after the first meeting he told us he had never met a couple who knew each others opinion on every single topic he could think of.
@@MissShembre I am happy for you that you've found someone who thinks the same way you do. For a long time I couldn't understand how everyone around me seemed to act so irrationaly. Now I get it. They don't hyperfocus on details and follow their emotions. It was such a relief to discover that my brain works differently. Now I can accept other peoples behaviour more easily and understand that I am blind to some part of life. I will never enjoy parties and social gatherings in the same way, and I don't have to force myself to be someone I am not.
Totally get what you said about seeing life on a greyscale rather than absolute black and white. I always get told I’m very diplomatic as I see things from all angles and don’t judge people for their opinions, but I can see how it can come across as being fake, or two - faced as people don’t usually get on with everyone whereas I try my best to, as to me everything is pretty subjective anyway.
Around the age between 25 and 30, I came to the realisation that I had been putting a constant mask since teenage years. Around 25 I came closer to my true self and started listening more to my introvert and sensitive side. I went out less, avoided loud and crowdy places, became more aware and selective on who and what to spend my time/energy on. People started saying that I changed. The way they said it was in a negative way, as if they thought I was losing myself... while it was the other way around. The real me finally dare to show herself. I found myself. It's interesting how people saw it as negative, assuming that everyone would be most happy with a bussy, social outgoing life. It still bothers me those standards of society. I have to still convince myself sometimes that it's fine not wanting to be a part of that, and that it doesn't mean I'm missing out. That my life is valid and interesting in it's own way.
Your actual self is just less to their liking. Made the same experience. Looks like people don't like when I speak up for myself... 😅
Me too.
I feel the exact same way too, thank you for your comment!
My sister coined "resting arrogant face" to describe my normal expression. No wonder people have such a negative reaction to me: they figure I am judging them while I am typically thinking about something else entirely.
"It's not a judgement, it's a statement of fact." I should have that printed on a t-shirt and wear it every time I talk to NT's....
I want some too
Man, the number of times I've stated what seems to me to be a neutral fact about someone's creative work, and they take it as an insult... "This character isn't acting in a way consistent with the canonical character" is an observation, not a way of badmouthing your fanfic! There's nothing inherently wrong with writing characters in a way that doesn't mesh with the canonical portrayal!
I also know someone whose traumatic upbringing left them with a kind of PTSD over the perception of being judged or ranked, and when I brought up a theory I have about the levels of progress in a creative medium (from scribbling/doodling through to mastery of the craft), it led to a huge blowup over what the very concept of some pieces of writing being objectively "better" than others.
But I don't see "this child's doodle is objectively less skillfully crafted than the Mona Lisa" as somehow implying that the kid's scribble is worthless or meaningless or that anyone should be ashamed of creating art at that level. (Or even that all creators ought to be ranking up as far as they possibly can -- if all you want to do is write the same tropey fanfic over and over and never progress beyond that, why should that be a problem?) And heck, I might be *more* inclined to hang a child's doodle on my wall, if the child means something to me or the doodle is particularly interesting. But I don't see judgment of skill/craft as wholly subjective, either.
@@Arkylie Thanks for your comment, now I know why that woman was bizarrly angry at me for just pointing out it'd be nice if there were a white shade in the palette.... sigh
Autistic people see things differently than the norm, so we notice different qualities of things, so we don't naturally sort things the way we're expected to, so we want it to be more clear which categories things are meant to be in so we're able to follow along with sorting them. I don't think our perspectives are fundamentally richer, I think they're just different and thus richer in unconventional ways while also poorer in conventional ways. So we're seeing shades of grey where most people wouldn't, but missing elsewhere shades of grey that most people would catch. It sounds like a disagreement or a contradiction but I think saying that we see things more black and white and in more shades of grey are both right, just it depends in a very complex way upon which particular thing and which particular autistic person.
Yes, I think you're right. I need to go away and have a think about this shades of grey thing!
I never agreed with the black and white thinking thing though I can see how that might get attributed to us. For example, if I find I can't read enough cues to figure out who has my back and who's out to stab me in the back I might conclude that if I can't figure out who to trust then it's best to trust no one. (Or in my case, trust everyone and have faith that I won't be hurt--or that most people can be trusted. You can imagine how that's worked out.) That's not the same as having black and white thinking--that's seeing my limited options for a particular thing and choosing what seems to be the best option. (That choice was made long before getting diagnosis where I might have worked with someone to see if there were tips or tricks to developing discernment skills given what I now know about what I miss.) Yours is the best explanation I've seen of this yet.
I really like this way of seeing it ♥️
Exactly
I've never been told I was two-faced or manipulative (I have been accused of being "nice" as if it were a slur). However, allistic people read into everything and boost emotional content. That means they impose their interpretation on what's being said instead of what you're actually saying. And so I am misunderstood quite a bit. What most annoying about that is how allistic people seem to infer the negative whenever possible; meanwhile, I'm giving everyone the benefit of the doubt.
I'm also not a good mimic--I can mimic for about as long as an interview (for me, that means me being me while not being obviously odd). I don't know how anyone has energy enough to do it longer than that. Also, being authentic has been very important to me, and so while I can play a role (e.g., church greeter, workshop provider), I am being me within a role. In fact, it's easier to be within a role (versus masking) because there are parameters to the role that I well understand and I'd rather be a greeter at church talking to strangers than having to repeat the same small talk to church members I already know.
And I don't mind confrontation if I think it appropriate to say something even sometimes when it's probably not (meaning, I'll get hurt). For many reasons, I've been stupidly courageous much of my life. I know I was likely bullied as a young kid, but what really got me was when I saw some younger kids being bullied. I sort of became a justice warrior when that happened. (The way Greta told off the UN is how I told off teachers at the moment when they engaged in meanspirited powerplays. If they were going to embarrass fellow students, then they were going to have the opportunity to feel the same way. I have more tact than that now, though it wouldn't be beyond me. So I've been kind and nice and THAT.)
While I would have liked to have fit in, it was pretty apparent that that was unlikely. In many ways, I'm more a mix of the characteristics attributed to autistic males and autistic females.
same. I can relate to everything you've written here, especially the role playing. I was amused by how easy it was to "fool" people sometimes & played with different image presentations of myself. Kind of made me sad how shallow many people are actually :/
It is nice meeting someone who also became a social justice warrior as a child. I would get into fights with all my teachers because they demanded respect simply because they where in a position of power. I never disrespected them. They just always perceived me that way. I guess I had not learned to mask and copy other children at that point. I actually hate conflict but somehow I got a reputation as someone who loves to pick a fight. Can not shake that Reputation even as an adult although I have a hard time saying NO to even strangers.
@@Yakarash Same here. I hate confrontation and yet I also get labeled as someone who likes to pick a fight. I don't like it, but I won't stand for a perceived injustice, false accusations on my character, nor misrepresentations of known facts, either. I have taught myself to bite my tongue from time to time just to save myself some trouble (some folks aren't out to understand and be empathetic as I once assumed so it makes no sense to act on that assumption) but it bothers me greatly.
The extreme grey scale thing is SO ME!! In high school one of my favorite book series was a pro - con debate based series on different political issues. And I really could logically see each side - no matter how polarizing the subject was / is.
Cried so hard, thank you so much, i finally feel like im not the only one struggling with this.
Same!
Me, too!
THIIIIIIIIIIIS. Now, while I've never directly been accused of being two-faced, my whole life I've been misunderstood in this way. That "negative attributes are not a judgement but a statement of fact" hits the nail on the head for me. It took me a long time to learn "tact". But the only way for me to understand that concept was to put my empathy/"looking at things from multiple viewpoints" into overdrive. I came to find out, however, that most ppl don't want multiple points of view. Most ppl want you "on their side", especially in a conflict. That was SO hard to understand because I considered myself to BE on their side, and again, just looking at things the way diplomacy and tact (ie: tools for RESOLVING conflict and socially accepted ways of looking at a situation) demanded I should. I spent a long time learning diplomacy and tact and I still got it wrong! These days there's like, a whole flowchart in my head for this kind of thing?? 'cos I want to communicate what I really think but not drive away a person I like, be misunderstood, or make a situation worse and escalate a conflict.
Exactly!!!!
Hello, I also loved to research behavior and why people do the things they so. Do you have any good books you can reccomend?
Thank you for summarizing something I've struggled with for a very long time.
It's not just Women Sam, I've had this the whole of my adult life and have lost many jobs over it. Especially when I've not done anything wrong!!!!!!!!!!!! It's had a very deep psychological impact on my entire life :(
Sorry to hear that, I know how hard it can be. Interesting to hear that it happens to men too, because autistic women are "known" for masking, I think being misunderstood must be the loneliest part of the autistic experience.
@@YoSamdySam Yes it is :(
Yo Samdy Sam I’ve heard of men mention masking before.
Also some people with the opinion there is no difference in autism across genders just social gender expectations being different causing autistics to act in different ways. Which, my thoughts on that are pending. But to build on that idea a little, perhaps masking is seen as more ‘typical’ in women because traditionally men were diagnosed by obvious physical signs eg. Hand flapping, special interests etc. where are females when diagnosing they had to shift their attention a bit to take into account the primary elements they were looking for weren’t there or weren’t as obvious in females and so the spot light shifted. Giving each gender stereotypical autistic markers used for diagnosing and perhaps not looking deeper into how autistic markers were similar across genders since the male’s spotlight was on the physical markers like stimming and not the masking and the female spot light was on the masking rather then the stimming etc it was there to mask. Or something like that.
Basically the gender stereotype for males focused on stimming etc. over masking and the female stereotype focused on masking over stimming etc. The genders may have both things it’s just the focus is more on one element then the other due to diagnosis markers and so the other autistic traits falls to the wayside in terms of stereotypes due to it not being a diagnosing marker.
Which also makes sense given how hard it can be for females to be diagnosed so obviously people are focusing on the diagnosing trait that can help those diagnosing look past their gender.
Then again there is also the question of the gender bias and age difference with boys being diagnosed as babies even as young as 3 years old (maybe even earlier?) and girls being diagnosed as teenagers or adults (very rough example given I don’t know the common gender diagnosing ages.). So there are questions like ‘Do people see autism in boys more easily because they expect to see it in boys? Are boys diagnosing markers more physical like stimming because they haven’t learnt to mask them yet unlike girls diagnosed years later typically due to a masking burnout when they can no longer hide their physical markers like stimming or struggling socially etc?’
Basically maybe there is some differences in how brains are wired in terms of gender but... regardless of if they are or if they aren’t there does seem to be overlap and outside influences to consider.
So perhaps one could consider ‘stereotypically females are more know for their masking then males due to the issues with burnouts and late diagnosing unlike males who are typically(?) diagnosed earlier before they learn to mask due to society expecting autism more in boys and thus diagnosing them earlier before they have the chance to get better at masking or even learn how to mask.’ Or something along those lines... since there is still questions like ‘are boys more likely to react physically via head banging, stimming etc then girls? are girls better maskers then boys? Are outside influences, expectations etc effecting things? is it not so much differences on a gender basis as on an individual basis?’ etc. it’s sort of all up in the air with a ton of variables. So basically greyscale thinking, like in the video. XD but seeing males mention masking has made me more open to that idea in one form or another. :)
Also you hear about autistics being taught how to fit into society what is that except masking? Some of us just learned how to do it without being prompted to, or rather we were prompted to do it by society rather then professions (or anti-autistics ‘professionals’).
Philip Blundell If you’re interested in recommendations for male autistic youtubers there is Connor Ward, I’ve watched some of his videos and I think he may have mentioned masking at some point... but I’m not entirely sure, since at a quick search it doesn’t look like he has done a video on masking specifically. He does react and review videos but he also has videos or moments where he is just rambling and putting thoughts out there and how autism effects him. If that’s something you’re interested in.
Note: There is more then one Connor Ward on TH-cam so you may want to search via ‘Connor Ward autism’ or something.
@@moonettewolfsong9960 I think the social awkwardness is a thing that makes people ignore girls. Girls are expected to be rather silent and shy and that fits the symptoms of autism. I know girls who'd show all the typical signs and still wouldn't get diagnosed until adulthood, funnily even in families where the son already had a diagnosis and the girl showed an even bigger impairment in the social section than the boy. But hey, she behaved herself (=followed rules) and had good grades so everything is fine right? Oh she doesn't go out (because she doesn't have friends) but that's OK, because who'd want their daughter walking around in the dark at night, right? Oh, she doesn't like fitting clothes, but that's OK because it's best to not show the boys your curves, right? Oh, she likes organizing her room, that's great she'll be a good wife. Oh she likes to fiddle with her hair (=stimming) maybe she wants to become a hair dresser. She is interested in psychology to understand people, she'll make a good mom.
So, when I’m out with the general public/friends/acquaintances, I “hold my cards closer to my chest”, while when at home I let my guard down, I’m told I am not being nice (or worse).
I’ve found friends that have accepted my idiosyncrasies even if I’m not always using the best words. They understand or at least give me a pass because they know my brain doesn’t work like theirs.
I’m learning to ignore the people who “don’t have time” to want to understand that I’m different.
Right or wrong, I have to live my life the way I can without worrying about what others think of me (with the exception of doing my best to be kind).
As a great meme once said, "I don't care what people think. I just care what dogs think. I want dogs to like me." Lol
You're not different. Everybody else is different, always remember that. 😉
When I was a kid, everyone always assumed everything I did had some ulterior motive and that everything I did was somehow just to get stuff.
Your background seems to be moving. I have a mask on most of the time even my parents. It’s mostly off when I’m alone with my sister. Or when around other neurodivergents. But gosh it’s tiring when you work retail. I need a good vacation away from neurotypicals.
Yes and retail job has always struck me as an absolute nightmare in terms of masking. The times I've had temp jobs in customer facing roles I've ended up crying by the end of the day.
I have unintentionally developed what I jokingly call “Customer Service Face” and “Customer Service Voice,”
and while working in customer service is a nightmare, I’ve found that embracing a sort of persona for work like this allows me to conserve more energy for situations that are even more difficult for me (parent-teacher nights, the DMV, art events, meeting new people, etc.)
When I applied for a job as a face painter, and I was asked 'do you mind wearing costumes?', I honestly answered "I'm wearing one." And yes, her background moves in some videos. I'm thinking curtains or it is draped, it is distracting, but we don't know how limited her space is for the video moment.
Retail, ahh yes, retail. I was in and out of retail from 1982 to 2005 before being diagnosed autistic. I remember a couple store managers commenting on things they didn't understand about me & looking back after the autism diagnosis their comments were about autistic traits which none of us knew at the time even were autistic traits. And now I wonder how much the energy expended in such long term intense masking was involved in my now having had ME/CFS and fibromyalgia for 20 years.
But yeah, both my body and mind show signs of just plain burnout.
My body has always been defective in several ways independent of things connected with autism. Short of divine revelation I don't know how to determine at this point which came from what; or even if doing so is truly necessary. What is, is, and I can only deal with what is.
And then there's the thing about being diagnosed bipolar in early 1980s _(before autism was a thing and definitely before it was a thing with people in their 20s)_ and treatments for bipolar backfiring and only making the problem worse -- until that day decades later when one paid professional said that I was autistic, not bipolar, and had never been bipolar.
My life would have been so much better if the autism diagnosis had come in 1967 instead of 2007.
But, again, what is, is, and I can only deal with what is.
Spot on - masking becomes an unconscious habit, absolutely
I am 52 years old and have my assessment next week. I just want to show the psychologist all of your videos and say 'THIS'.
I mask without realizing. I agree with you motherhood strips me of my "masking power." I feel so empty. Lots of emotional turmoil this week, growth spurts and so I've had meltdowns. :( I didn't even know masking was a thing. I thought everyone did this. All these "masking" traits were attributed to BPD at my assessment. That hurt. I do feel like I did struggle with BPD at one point in time, I think the underlying factor is ASD, but it was not accepted or validated. I feel so lost.
@@CrazyCoon100 Have you found an online community to belong to? I find that meets most of my needs for contact with people, without me having to leave my lounge room.
You & me both omg
Hi vegan mom. I’ve watched your channel- well done for that👍🏻 I got diagnosed with BPD too but it didn’t completely resonate. This is a new discovery & I’m crying right now because I feel “seen.” Masking my whole life. Had a complete nervous breakdown after uni. I think I had lots before then actually. Every new transition in life has been so difficult to adjust to. There’s people with Autism here on TH-cam who’re telling their story & my life & myself is making more sense now. I’ve been blaming myself & thinking I was wrong or bad or stupid or lazy...but I know those things aren’t true! I’ve done a lot of therapy. Now I’m doing DBT. I also love Hannah Gadspy - the Aussie comedian with autism. Shes awesome!
When you talked about seeing things in shades of grey and just seeing things factually about people having positive and negative traits, and still liking them... I felt that. It also feels frustrating. Isn't that the right thing to do, morally? To not judge people severely, and not to just take sides out of loyalty?
Yep feels natural. I don't get the world
I'm a bit late to the show, but I appreciate your videos for the content and how you articulate what you're trying to convey to others. I can relate to so much of it. I agree with you about just staying quiet in social situations, as to avoid confrontation, or hurting someone's feelings. It can be quite complex, which I have found makes it a bit frustrating to explain to others at times. I think you do a good job at it. I was diagnosed as being on the spectrum just three years ago (age 48).
I totally relate to what you're saying. I studied linguistics (French and English) then IT engineering for 9 years and although I had a very high IQ and EQ, I was wearing a mask too, until it led to severe bullying at work, which led me to become a translator so I could work from home. There was no way I could have coped with working in the corporate world with twin-babies, I totally lost any confidence I had left. I work on my own without any noise or stressful/toxic colleagues and managers who told me that only a man could be an IT Engineer and that really broke me.
Being at home and being able to work on my own and be my own manager is really great because I can take naps, organise my days (grocery shopping, doing the laundry or the cleaning), which means I can also choose with whom I work with and it's just perfect for me.
As you say, having conversations with people who get me is less draining than with non-autistic people, I don't have to wear a mask and I allow myself to be who I am without being judged. Tree-like thinking is odd for neurotypic people, they look at you like you're an alien and it can lead to severe bullying because you cannot deal with confronting them, this is just the way we deal with such problems, it's just too hard and if you start justifying yourself, it only gets worse. I just couldn't stand shallow conversations and people who slagged each other off behind their back at work at lunch time. I ended up crawled up in my car in the winter so I wouldn't have to be with them. And open spaces and stressful people who yelled on the phone, the AC which made me freezing in the summer (21° when it's 35° outside, horrible) and the neon lights, having to deal with a new team and manager every 3 months was impossible to deal with. I just gave up. People actually yelled at me because they felt and knew I was weak at the time and close to having a burn-out and working became a mental torture.
Great video, I am a huge fan and if you want to learn French some day, Julie Dachez, who has a PhD in social sciences has a great TH-cam channel and wrote a book about the subjet called 'Dans ta bulle' (In your Bubble).
I am arranging for diagnosis now. Realised this week. Clicked. My concern is that I don’t seem to be the typical “male” autistic. I am a very systematic thinker - but also very emotive and emotional. Also very good at masking.
I have to work with the public and small talk is a part of my job. It rarely comes easily. I have to act.
On the few occasions it goes awry. I use my very own get out clause...
"Honestly, I am not in the least bit interested. I was just making conversation because you... didn't"
I was recently diagnosed in NYC very late in life I am in my late 50s and was diagnosed and I am finally getting the tools needed to deconstruct so much damage. Your videos are wonderful and precious to me! Thank you and I downloaded this to replay again for myself and others. I wish you and your family health and many blessing in the new year
What tools do they give with the diagnosis
Story of my life, along with the Alexithymia (I scored beautifully high on the test).
Thank you for sharing. With the addition of the comments I feel at home, and sane.
I see the solutions to everything, so when I see the negative in someone, I know where it's coming from and how it can be changed. Not very helpful if the person just wants to vent. I have a constant battle between listening and offering advice, like, "do you just want to moan about it, or do you actually WANT to stop repeating this pattern?" Most of the time as soon as I offer a different perspective of seeing their situation, they will counter with all the reasons why that isn't true. Once I identify that pattern with someone, I switch to agreeing with them instead.
And I recognise, of course, where I do this to myself, all the bloody time.
Thanks for being a part of my solution! 😃💞
Wow, this really just hit the nail on the head for me. I live in two different places due to a divorce, and both parents have very different beliefs. I find that whoever I’m with, I believe their views of the world. This makes transitioning from house to house and masking in the polar environments extremely difficult and draining. It makes so much more sense why I’m like this. I thought I just couldn’t think for myself, it’s freeing realizing that I’m just good at seeing both sides of the argument.
Any teacher or investigator: Answer 'yes' or 'no.' I CAN'T! It would mean I'm lying!!!!
"I don't know" was my catchphrase according to my ex, the second one "maybe"
Listening to you talk is like listening to you describe my life. Thank you so much for making these videos!
The more of your videos I watch, the more I think I have autism. I can relate to pretty much all of this. My mom told me recently that she suspected I might have it when I was little, but she didn't tell me. The reason she didn't tell me was because she knew she could raise me to survive in social situations without knowing, and she did raise me well... Although, if I do have it, I might want to get a diagnosis simply to have someone help me cope with it
This is me 100% i just thought all my life i was normal but just not good enough at being normal like everyone else. It was only when i realised im autistic that my life for the first time made sense. I have completely lost my identity because of masking. Im 37 and only starting to piece myself together but im far too afraid to be the real me in front of anyone apart from my husband. Everyone would be shocked, wouldn't understand and would think im so rude or inappropriate or just confusing to them (even though im nice really!) I would love nothing more than to be authentic though. Masking is EXHAUSTING
OMG... I tried to explain to someone (before I even suspected) that I have “personas” that I use to prepare myself for specific situations. I have “business me”, “wife me” (for husband’s family and business functions), and “social me.”
Their reply was “If you can pretend to be it, then aren’t you actually really that?”
No. No. No. It’s exhausting. And this was even before I ever heard of masking.
Lisa, question 1: are you ok? Question 2: same here girl! I just thought what I was doing was psychotic. Do you still do it?
That is exactly how I am in the social world! First time heard someone I could relate to, it has been 42 years!
You are not alone, we are all just hiding under a mask but we're definitely out there. I personally have found most of our kind by just finding women with ''odd'' hobbies/talents, something normal people would usually not care about as much. Being around them and open about our interests is something I appreciate a lot.
L5940 I have been belly dancing for 3 years and recently started ballet, I have found combine these two styles are one of the most beautiful art forms one can come across in a lifetime. Odd enough interest, I guess
@@elainelee4828 It's really about the passion we put into our interests. The fact that you describe it as the most beautiful art form of your life is very familiar to me as I have felt that sensation while learning to draw and while learning to dance (mixture of different dances with ballet, traditional dance and modern dance). It's emotional as it seems like nothing else in the world matters as long as you can perform your artform, even if it's just kept for yourself alone. The enthusiasm you feel when you learn something new of that subject and perform beautifully, nothing in life can compare.
I'm glad you found your interest.
L5940 you hit the nail on the head. That is exactly what I experience! I dance at home everyday for 90-120 mins. Just for my own pleasure. It is spiritual.
@@elainelee4828 I understand completely. It's very important for people like us to have something like that. The world can become awefully dull when you don't have things to love. I can be a bit too much distracted by things like that sometimes though but oh well.
People always seem to think I’m agreeing with them in conversations, but really I’m being agreeable and getting them to flesh out their ideas deeper than they probably would on their own. I’m very hesitant to challenge them even when I strongly disagree at least in part because of the habit of presenting as socially acceptable. Also I just like exploring ideas and getting to know where people’s ideas are coming from. The result is often that people seem to believe I’m totally on the same page as they are. Also in a group of people, I’m quite lost as to who I’m supposed to be if that makes sense.
Omg... this is 100% me!! 😱😱
Thank you for explaining, I'm learning so much from you ... and maybe finally understand what was "wrong" with me my entire life. I'm also 33 and still on the hunt for an accurate explanation for my behaviour. I've found so much.. infp-t, hsp, etc... my diagnose is depression and borderline, but I know that's not entirely true.. maybe a result.
Thank you so much!
this really resonated with me. I'm not sure if I come across as two faced - but I know I have to be careful with what I say to other people because they may take it as a personal attack, a judgement, or just flat out misunderstand to the point where I go "wait? what? what just happened? what did I say that was so bad? " when they respond back to me. Believe me - I don't intend to be hurtful or mean or intentionally antagonistic. It just comes out that way. When I was a kid - I was so good at unintentionally hurting other kids feelings (I didn't realize the hurt feelings thing until years later) that I just stopped saying more than one or two words to other kids/people. It didn't help that I went thru grade school with same 28 kids in my class. Once you got "labeled" you were stuck with it for life. Being forced to interact with adults was also bad - I could never figure out what response was the "right response". I know my mom got mad at me when I said the wrong thing - so I just stopped answering and got labeled as "shy". My parents didn't coach me or help me figure out what it was I was suppose to say. When I do manage to "say the right thing" - that's when i feel like I'm lying, being manipulative, or disrespecting the other person (or group). Even when what I'm saying will be taken the way I feel. When I was a kid - I thought I was the only person who wasn't "psychic" who couldn't sense some other thing/part of communication - there was "talking" and "body language" but there seemed to be some other part of communication (I imagined it was direct brain to brain waves ) that I couldn't receive/do. I felt like I was always flying blind. And I still do. everyday.
I’ve never actually been told I’m two faced but I’m actually worried that I AM two faced. I’m so freakin blunt that I’ve learned to keep my true opinions locked up and select the appropriate answer like a freakin visual novel.
It’s so annoying, because I’ll think I’m joking but I don’t realize I hurt someone’s feelings with my bluntness until I hear from someone else and then I feel horrible for days.
Yessss. I tend to be very tight-lipped about myself as well, so I rarely share my own thoughts and opinions with most people. So I also get the complaint that I'm two-faced because "I never knew you felt that way!" As in, I act pleasant enough and socially charming regardless of how I personally feel about the company or the subject, and it upsets people that I appear to be "hiding" my true feelings...I think? But IDK why they can't be bothered to simply ask me my true opinion rather than just assuming it and then feeling hurt when it was different to their assumption. Or why it bothers people that I try to not make a scene or confront people? I suspect maybe they're just mad/fearful/suspicious that they couldn't tell from looking at me.
This is relatable.
I can be looked as being two-faced, because I see certain things in grey scale, because I agree with both sides (depending on the topic), but I can also be blunt when I have to.
But I also hate confrontation, when I obviously see a pattern of behavior that is a bit troubling and needs to be addressed. I have a good friend, where I see these patterns of behavior, but because of how much I avoid confrontation, as close as we are, I can't bring myself to use my own bluntness to address a problem. Mostly, because I don't want to hurt him and make him think I don't want to be friends, or for him to think of me as being mean/terrible, because I'm in such a grey area of thought when talking about certain topics. (It shows a lot what I'm like and how I was raised, in a family that tried to understand what was wrong with me, get me necessary treatment and therapy)
I'm 24f (born '96) and I was diagnosed with ADD (elementary) and later in life a mild form of Autism (2012).
I was raised to be nice and respectful (living more or less by the golden rule, you treat others how you want them to treat you basically).
I've learned the hard way some of the social cues and many other things that makes me the person I am today.
Sometimes I just feel like I don't fit in anywhere, whether it be with neurotypical people or with other people with Autism, which probably makes me put on a mask and it can be really draining sometimes, and makes me feel burnt out on things I enjoy doing (gaming, instrument playing, art in the form of painting and drawing. One of the only hobbies I still enjoy without feeling drained is growing peppers from seed)
YES. I always felt like I was fake and felt really sensitive about being accused of being fake and wondering if it really was true and I felt really bad, but then when I realized I was autistic it was such a relief to understand what masking is.
Now I must say something. I don't know if you'll ever read this comment, but THIS is the video that has me convinced that I'm probably autistic. I am 36 and I was just diagnosed with ADHD a little less than 2 months ago and it is already shifting my world. But THIS... I mean, everything you say in this video is exatly what I have suffered my entire life and still very recently. I am literally blown away. I had never heard anyone describe so accurately what it looks like to be me inside AND what it looks like from the outside.
Another reason I’m seen as two faced is that when I do drop the mask I’m accused of being “fake”. My close friends that I trust have left after I’ve dropped the mask, only wanting the version of me that they’ve seen before, and how could I blame them? I was never the real me, so it’s unrealistic to expect them to accept to real me. Still, it gets lonely like that.
You're probably dropping a higher mask to reveal a lower mask which is still not the real you. Once you have let go of the lower masks as well, then you'll know what it means to be your true self. It's a beautiful thing, I wish you luck on this journey. I do have a channel that's currently titled executive dysfunction if you'd like to check it, although I'm not really up and running yet. It's pretty new but I do have a video about masking on there. The multiple layers of masks stuff isn't in there, it's a basic intro video.
Like my wise pastor taught me, the world ain't supposed to know the real us. Sanctified means to be separated from the world so of course they are only supposed to know us on surface level and I don't need to debate anybody. I'm not going to be someone else and claim I'm authentic. I'm going to be like the bible tells me to be. How you gonna ask someone to be authentic but ask infer they can't be right unless they act like you or everybody else? Lies
For me, I’ve always wanted to come off as a warm person. It’s the point of basically being a life goal, a “check point” for me. Because I feel like that’s who I am on the inside. A warm person.
But unfortunately it’s hard to communicate that, because it just doesn’t naturally happen. I don’t do normal “warm things” on instinct.
It feels like my love language was written in a different language and I’m constantly trying to translate it to common.
Because else it’s just gibberish to most people.
So I’m definitely masking, 100%, but I’m fortunate enough that I’ve always tried to weave it around that core goal. So I don’t feel as two-faced.
I didn't know how much I was masking until you brought some parts of it up. The people I'm around have always had a great influence on my behavior, sort of "When in Rome..." And in a new environment it takes me a short while to figure out how to be. And I have these moment of "Oh, friend A does it like this and has good results. I'll do what friend A does!" Then I get the similar results. Like I'm borrowing their skin for a task.
Mirjam Proos It wears you out after years and years of it and you end up not knowing who you are - or rather feeling that other people don’t know who you are.
@@tracik1277 Yeah... these days I'm finally understanding that my 'normal' was rather worn-out. About the 'who am I then' issue: I wrestled with it for a short period, but came to the conclusion that 'I' was the thing all of these faces-skins-masks had in common. Sort of like the center of a three-part Venn diagram. And accepted that nobody would ever know what that was, myself included - that all that could ever be done was to infer the shape of it via what could be seen. But also, it never seemed like a problem, because who on earth knows themselves through and through :P
But even now that I know I do mask, I can't really _not do_ it. Wear a suit long enough and the suit starts wearing you.
I think these greyscale/B&W thinking /particular relationship with true/literally/need for objectivity/... things should perhaps all be looked at as parts of a heightened sensitivity to cognitive dissonance...?
What do you mean by that? Interested to hear more...
I've actually gotten very anxious with cognitive dissonance and felt like it was "wrong", because society "says so"; yet, whatever spurred that CD made sense to me.
Spot on. I can't even with the cognitive dissonance.
I am older and self-diagnosed. (They don't diagnose adults, esp. females, where I live. My son has been diagnosed.) What I hate is sharing with that person in the inner circle who you trust ... only to discover you've over-shared and for that relationship to implode. As I've gotten older, I've just trusted people less and shared less of my true self. I do feel my "resiliency" lessening as I age, though. Maybe that's why older women are looking for diagnosis more.
I leave nearly every conversation confused. I leave every group feeling as though they hate me cause people always ALWAYS assume what i said means something else. No what i said is what i meant end of story.
In my recent evaluation, it came up that my intelligence had a lot to do with how well I masked. I had a therapist (who works a lot with autistics) tell me it was a sign of intelligence by trying to fit in and mask so effectively. My entire life growing up I was always perceived as stupid and unintelligent because I am actually autistic (slightly nonverbal). I sometimes wonder if I will ever be able to take the mask off completely. Perhaps not in this life. It's all still new to me and your videos help me a lot to understand myself. Thank you.
I have recently found your channel and am so thankful...your insights are amazing!!! My husband is finally starting to realize that it's "not just me" or "it's all in my head." Keep up the awesome work!!!
I am 99% sure that I am NT, but in general I relate to quite a few of the struggles that autistic people have, and for some reason have quite a few autistic friends. In recent times, your videos have been incredible resources for me, at first to explore how I myself work through your very nice explanation and detailed experiences, and now as a way for me to try and learn how to understand my autistic friends better and help them feel more comfortable.
Through your videos I was able to understand more how they think and tend to speak their mind/approach problems, which helped a lot when I'm dealing with anxiety due to reading unnecessarily into what they mean when they say things. As someone with poor emotional regulations, sometimes misinterpreting things can mean that I can react quite strongly or negatively, and thus my friends are worried about communicating with me and causing misunderstanding/seeing my negative reaction. I feel really bad that I did not know about how they feel earlier, but thanks to your videos, I feel that I'm able to fight back on instinctually trusting my assumption and reading of the situation, and create more opportunity for me to get feedback on how I can improve when communicating.
In general, I feel extremely blessed that my friends have let me enter their world a little and share a lot with me; I feel that my autistic friends are who I learn the most from and with whom I can grow the most as a person with. I cannot thank you enough for helping me understand my friends better, and I hope that being able to maintain a happier friendship means that I might be able to contribute back to their lives eventually as well.
3:18
Because of that "normal" people always get the impression of me that I have no own opinion. That I just say "yes" to everyone, because I "want to please them."
That infuriates me massively. Just because I can empathizise better with all the possabilities, does not mean that I can not and do not think of my own.
Thank you so much for your videos, they really help!
I say yes to everything because the bible says "agree with thy adversary quickly". They don't want to know your opinion if they think poorly of you. They just want you to speak your mind so they feel like they have a justifiable reason to revile you. That's why my wise Lord and savior didn't say a mumbling word when his accusers came to revile and lie on him before crucifying him. He knew PRECISELY that that's what their intent was. I have the holy spirit and it is a discerner of the intent of hidden motives like my Lord did.
I don't really have this issue because I often end up saying "it depends, ", or "no because ".
Instead of agreeing with both sides, I disagree with both sides while pointing out where others were kind of correct, so that way I'm not two-faced but also don't appear to be a complete asshole
Omg 😲 agreeing with one person and then agreeing with the other one too ! What a liberation to hear it from you 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
I've often been accused of lying when I was actually telling the truth. The truth just didn't fit to people's minds' patterns. They belived me when I was saying what they wanted to hear but was not true. I stopped doing it, it hurts me physically when I have to lie.
Does it matter if they believe you? You know who you are, right? No matter if someone else believes you. Now, if you fear for your safety or your ability to survive or something like that I totally understand, I've been there. But if that's the case, I just recommend finding people who will click with who you are naturally, they do exist. It could just be that you're in an unfortunate social grouping by accident
Dr. House was onto something
So thankful I encountered these videos, they are very enlightening, and helping me to better understand and even start to be kinder to myself. Thank you!
Absolutely yes to the 'shades of grey' thing. I've said exactly the same a hundred times. It's overthinking EVERYTHING to the absolute max. From every different angle. To the point of paralysis, usually.
Loved this, just the insight I needed right now with a difficult relationship.
I find all your videos so helpful as I'm playing catch up after an extremely late autistic spectrum diagnosis at 68, though I do have a problem looking at you if there's a 'busy' or glittery background. ( I prefer the ones where I can see your cat on the bed etc.)
But keep the autistic wisdom coming, we need you.
I’ve just been diagnosed with autism at the age of 17, and I’m so thankful for your channel! It has such great tips!
Thank you Sam … you just explained me without actually meeting me … this has been a massive frustration for me my whole life … and to be honest when your told enough times you are two faced you start to question it … This helped me feel human and maybe not such a bad person after all x
I am screaming YESSS!!! This is so me! OMG! I have described this to people for years and they think I'm crazy. I am just now finding out this is what I am experiencing! I relate so much to your videos!
Am not a woman but i relate to this so hard-- i find that i always focus entirely on what i have in common with someone, and will always agree with them, or find ways to see their perspective, and almost never say anything to contradict them (arguments i can't handle, it'll just take over my thoughts for days). Honestly there are upsides to this, i'm certainly not ashamed, but i'm always worried that i'm two-faced or insincere when in fact i know that it's a concerted effort to sincerely appreciate others' perspectives. Oh my god, avoiding conflict, how *terrible*..! Anyway, thank you for articulating this overall experience so well in this video!!
We have Autism in the family….we like your vids and the colour of your eyes….
Why thank you, they are my real eyes
I relate so much to thinking in greyscale. When I was in university one of my subjects was philosophy and my answer to almost every single question I was asked was "it depends". People must have thought that I had zero solid opinions on anything 😅
this me 😭😭😭
I'm so glad you made this video. This is so nuanced, but so true and it was kind of jarring to hear someone verbally confirm something I've noticed about myself. I've been kicking myself for years for being a "follower" or "wishy-washy" because of how back and forth my views and opinions seem sometimes...
Omgggg this video is so relatable. I'm realising now that I've probably been masking since my teenage years, even inside my home eith my mother. My mask only started to break last year, when I got chronically sick because of stress, probably as you said, because it took me too much energy. But now looking back, I realise that I was sometimes consciously masking when I considered the situation high stakes: like a new social environment where I'm trying to make friends or at my job, at interviews with professors or potential employers etc. Although most of the time I was probably subconsciously masking to some extent. It also helps that my current partner is the only healthy and fulfilling relationship I've ever had (and I don't mean only romantic) so I feel like with him I can finally be myself again, as I hadn't been since I was a child.
I related to every single portion of this video. I have not been to see a doc yet but I am pretty positive I am autistic. After watching several of your videos this one almost confirms it for me. It's like you're describing me as a person and it's such a relief to know I am not alone. 💞
Thank you for putting all this into words! This is so relatable as someone who is AFAB and non-binary. I think this is actually true for autistic people who aren’t men (not just who are women), but femme presenting people likely get accused of the “two-faced” thing more due to social stigma/misogyny.
Masking .... had no idea there was a label for what I've been doing ny entire life and it's exhausting. I'll soon be 60 and I've never, ever fit in. You're videos have opened my eyes to the "why". I am SO autistic.
Oh that doesn't sound very fun, I'm sorry to hear you feel like you never did fit in. I feel that way too sometimes, although a lot of the time I do feel like I'm part of the crowd in a good way, like I'm being my true self and I'm not trying to fit in I just do it naturally. It wasn't something that used to be natural for me though.
Sad that I see so many ppl who go undiagnosed for about their entire life 😐
tho it's less about diagnosis but a major communication crisis we are in, that's why the world is so much out of balance
I have 2 consciousness. One actively listens. The other consciousness says, "They're talking too long. I'm going into my bubble now." While they are talking, I put in all the appropriate head nods. Meanwhile my other consciousness is coaching me, "Don't say anything that will cause her to continue."
What do you think would happen if you just told her that you felt tired and didn't want to talk so long?
"It's not a judgement --- it's a statement of fact."
THIS. All of THIS.
I had to share this video with my best friend, because it perfectly describes from my point of view the kinds of things that others have questioned, criticized, and been offended by in me, and it's so hard to explain on the spot. It all seems totally logical, natural, and benign in my head, but it just does not come across that way to others who don't have access to my brain and have already made up their mind about me.
Oh gosh. I relate so much to being able to see things from multiple points of view and having empathy for all sides and it annoying people who just want me to take their side 🤦🏻♀️
"Seeing the world in greyscale, where everything is hazy and open to interpretation rather than being absolute." I felt that. One of the worst things someone can ask me is "Are you sure?" I am never 100% sure of anything. Reality is elastic, as far as I'm concerned, and there is always possibility of being wrong.
I am not diagnosed, but I heavily relate to the shades of gray. I have spent so much time figuring out how socialize. I got good at it
Wow. I watched a lot of your videos during the last two days. I‘m 39 and never really thought I could be autistic since I had that stereotype in my head. But now I‘m here close to tears and stomach churning - you describe „me“ so well, it‘s baffling. In regards to this video: I remember considering myself a chameleon since middle school…I was so good at sensing who people needed me to be and I gave it to them. But it was sooo draining. And I always lost when we had to do debates in class because as soon as my opponent started to speak I was like: yeah she/he really has a point, I can totally see it like that, of course this can be true…but my perspective (that I had to defend, not because I wanted to) seemed valid to me as well…god I was so confused and I hated speaking anyway 😅. Many heartfelt thanks for your videos, they truly explained my life to me like nothing could ever do 🥹
I’m autistic I know I am I have all the symptoms but my family don’t believe me and won’t get me checked properly 😢
Hang in there. That may turn out for the best. Many practitioners aren't familiar with the female presentation so misdiagnose females (as being not autistic, or as having bipolar or borderline personality disorder). It also means you've escaped ABA, which is NTs trying to force you to act like them so that *they* feel more comfortable. There are pros & cons of being diagnosed/confirmed at a young age. If I were you, I'd live my life as if I were autistic (e.g. using earphones in noisy places, having a lot of downtime after socialising etc) and go for an assessment when you can afford it and after finding out who in your state/province is knowledgeable abt the female presentation of autism.
frolickinglions - thank you for the advice, but it isn’t the money which is the problem because I live in the UK and hospitals and doctors are free to visit (but we pay taxes for NHS) it’s the fact that they don’t believe me and they think it’s a waste of time checking , I will follow your advice though :)
Amazing video, I'm finding these so relieving to watch as it explains how i am. I got told I was "too nice it's suspicious" the other day. I get on with everyone but not particularly close to anyone.
... oh. So that just put a whole new slant on the way I can agree with people on opposite sides, well not new exactly but I never really followed the thought to it’s seemingly logical conclusion until you said it was because we could see both sides. Also the ‘we see the world more grey scale then others’ and here I thought that was just part of growing up. XD but yes that makes sense, although it’s weird because I can be very black and white about somethings and yet also be really grey scale. Or perhaps more accurately I want things to be black and white so I can understand it and yet also be really into grey scale, particually when it comes to the printed word or if someone verbalises what is going on because then I get a better view of what is going on, I can see and understand more. I figured out early on I love complicated emotional stories that really got down to the bare bones of the characters because it helped me really understand them in a way that I couldn’t really understand the world. Just this love for the greyness of the world while still wanting, perhaps needing, things to be more black and white in the real world so I could understand them, unless someone explained what was going on and then you just _see_ so much and perhaps not just from their side, you start to see the other person’s side too sometimes.
As for not being confrontational, due to being worried about social norms, _exactly_ Also there is the whole needing that extra second to process things and not really figured out your stance and opinion yet being trapped in the middle and being able to see both people’s view and wanting to calm things down. Or just yep, shutting up because we realise saying something would likely just get our heads bitten off, expecially if someone is passionate about something or on an emotional rampage. Also someone close too you, you don’t want to hurt or upset is a big reason for staying quiet in some cases.
Also there is the whole ‘using someone else as your social reference’ when you are constantly checking on those around you, expecially in highly stressful situation to check if you have taken a wrong step or something.
In regards to the suggestions for talking environments, hell yes to the familiar safe home environment, one on one, time to process ideas! Also group chat ugh, those are stressful enough and something to avoid on a good day, zero time to process and to. many. people. to. keep. track. of. the conversations are so fast. >.<
For good situations I’d just like to add somewhere they don’t have to look at you and where they can move around and don’t feel trapped aka ‘sitting down to have an honest chat’ or perhaps a family dinner conversation may not be the best place for some people. Also if these situations stress people letting them know they are free to leave the table whenever can really help the stress levels rather then not being allowed to leave until everyone is done because it’s not socially polite.
(Speaking of stressers if something triggers you to stim on a regular basis and it’s not from happiness you may want to figure out why just in case there is a problem so you can remove or minimise it. Waving it off as ‘oh it’s just an autistic thing’ can come back to bite you later after you realise you’ve learned to ignore your body’s attempts to communicate to you. Since stimming can be because of happiness but it can also be a warning sign that you are struggling to cope with something.
Pay special attention to what is triggering your stims if you are trying to suppress them, they may be trying to tell you something that you are missing because you are too busy trying to suppress them rather then understand them or just listen to what your body is trying to tell you in general.)
Back to where I was:
Oh and phones!! Some of us are phonephobic or text or phone call phobic. I never used to get why because ‘if someone struggles with body language, why would it matter if you can’t see the the person?’ Took me _ages_ to pin it down, basically if someone is part blind but they still see a little, they are probably using the little they have as much as possiable so taking away the little they see likely really effects them. So that is what phone calls are like for me. I’m not very good at body language but I can still get _something_ and a phone call takes that all away and not only does it take the body language away I now have to figure out body language just from a voice which really doesn’t give me any of the confirmational feedback I really need in social situations to check I’m doing things right. The voice may or may not be very clear, there is no body language in the form of gestures to go with it and people talk way too fast for me to process and expect an instant reply, so it can be something to avoid like the plague or something we write scripts for before even daring to pick up the phone aka you may want to check if they like phone calls or text or chat etc. emails can be good... good for getting your thoughts out and thinking things through etc. remembering to check emails and answer err.... you may just want to check if they like emails too.
Google docs can be _amazing_ different colour for each person and you can tell if a person is just taking a moment to find the right words to say. There is just constant interaction rather then text someone, wait.... it just feels closer and slowed down to a manageable level so you can process more. The only problem is getting _off_ the google doc. I love google docs but they are black holes that you will happily die in because you already used up all your energy during the day and now you need recharge time except there is someone in google docs 24/7 and.. and... basically you may want to have the odd meetup with agreed upon times rather then... always. It can get a little life consuming...
I’ve found long distance car trips one on one is good, although preferably not when I’m driving and maybe not the best place for stressful conversations.
The best time I’ve found is unplanned conversations in the kitchen/dining room. The kitchen is open so if someone is doing something in the kitchen and starts chatting to me then I can join them in conversation while having room to move around, fidget, etc. and neither of us are really looking at each other. I also feel less unable to leave if I get stressed in that situation.
I also have similar situations at work, both of us working so neither of us are expected to be 100% focused on the other and we are both moving around. So it’s all very casual, nothing structured and the conversation ebbs and flows as we move around doing our own stuff. For more casual friends it’s even better, a quick hello, a few minutes chat on the way to the locker room before separating (I use breaks to recharge so no socialisation) and just this ebb and flow without being too rude because everyone knows work comes first so conversations are almost guaranteed to not get too heavy because everyone is constantly moving around, very, very casual social without the pressure of standing together and making conversation, unless we happen to have already been talking and keep talking after work ends, which probably means I find that conversation interesting and not stressful.
Also the whole ‘relax around people we know and like’ concept, exactly! Or even _places_ we feel safe. Eg. I will bounce around all the time and be really active at home, away from home I’m typically really subdued unless I’m around someone I feel comfortable with in which case I will suddenly become really chatty and do not stop talking as well as more energetic or even just if I’m thinking of something that makes me happy and forget myself, my walk with become way more bouncy.
This also is probably to do a lot with masking on a subconscious level, society trains us to mask via social disapproval and we respond by behaving in a more ‘socially acceptable manner’ even if we are no conscious of it. When we feel _safe_ however all the stuff that was being masked comes rushing out, or we relax and just recharge.
If someone doesn’t have a safe zone well... it ends badly but basically they might be considered less two faced because they don’t have a safe place to be and so all those things that are typically only shown when they feel safe are now showing up because there is nowhere to hide and they desperately need to destress and recharge but don’t have anywhere else to do it. Then again you might just call them bipolar or something instead because they will be swingingly wildly between trying to function and not. coping. at. all. So not fun.
Sort of kidding about the bipolar (hopefully in a non insulting way) but considering people have talked about getting the wrong diagnosis multiple times before getting the right one... anyway the point is to someone else it may seem like massive mood swings out of the blue when really the person is just constantly being pushed past breaking point. Hence why stress free places are important.
Yes def agree with the seeing both good and bad in someone but still being fine with friendships
Agreeing with both sides of a disagreement to try to avoid conflict, and because I can see from multiple perspectives at once.
Just plain shutting up during a group conversation. Many people could benefit from what a wise man wrote long ago: "The one guarding his mouth protects his life, But the one opening his lips wide will come to ruin," and, "The one guarding his mouth and his tongue Keeps himself out of trouble."
Observing and discerning what I should be/do to be accepted.
Oh my God. I wanna show this to everyone that knows me. Every single word. Thank you.
Never knew a video could understand me so well, and yet here we are 🤣😭
I usually try to phase out the "socially acceptable me" after a few interactions by giving some hints and warnings like "I don't have a lot of patience"... Or "I tend to be brutally honest and I have difficulty sugar coating my opinions even when I try..." usually people don't believe me at first because I look like a sweet cuddly bear at first, but after a while they start giving out these warnings to new comers.
I am so happy I found your videos. It all makes sense to me now with all what I have been feeling like and functioning.
I feel this is similar to things I do. I'm a lot more reserved at work, especially around the coworkers I'm unsure how to interact with, and one who has misunderstood me and now dislikes me. Around the persons I'm comfortable, I can be a random goofball, with periods of moments where I might be a little conscious if I'm going to say something wrong, or get the patterns wrong about when its my turn to talk.
I relate strongly with the struggle of when i am permitted to talk... listening for 10 min straight, steadily forgetting the points i wanted to reply to during the course of the talk is so painful
@@rufusneumann9703 I've adhd ontop of suspecting I'm on the verbal spectrum, for Autism. So, I get the painful part of forgetting points, if I don't get it out soon enough. It's a balance between listening, remembering what they are saying and the thing I was going to say, if it relates, etc. Or I just cannot think straight, and hold onto to whatever I was going to say by answering to them in short, "Ah." or "Yes" or "I understand'.
This hit me very hard...
I also have complex pstd and childhood trauma, resulting in a dissociative disorder.
Waiting on proper assessment but alternative personalities or "different shades of me"...
This is how my brain works 🤯💙
Great vid. I don't think the "two-faced label" is purely an austic female thing. I know many austic men who will agree just to avoid conflict but then voice an opposite opinion in private. I hate any form of conflict - including public debate - one reason wny I would not have coped at well with being a uni professor. However, get me 1-2-1 with someone who shares a pet interest, and we can exchange knwledge in a non-combative way, and I'll discuss all night and thoroughly enjoy the experience. But growing up, I so often came across as "thick". Sitting very happily in my own little world, coping in my way in a group setting, and then suddely being awoken from my sense of calm by an abrupt question was my worst nightmare. I had an IQ in the gifted range but always seemed to others to be a "chapter or two" behind in the discussion.
I'm a boy and have the same problem. I just wrote it down as being "normal" cause people do something similar, but i always felt like my case was a bit more serious/extreme.
I was assigned female at birth, so I've done this as long as I can remember. It finally came to a head during the pandemic, and I no longer had to go to work in the office. My wife used to tell me I seemed like a different person at work; at home, I was agitated, irritable, obsessed with rules and change. That was the me my wife knew, not the one from the office. However, when we left the office, I no longer had to put on the mask. I cannot lie or be socially "acceptable" with people I really feel comfortable with, and now I don't have to be assaulted with the lights, the noise, the smells, and the interruptions. I didn't realize how much energy it took to be there.
Oh...my...god. This is the first time someone has managed to explain it (that I know of). Thank you for this ❤️
The two-faced thing, when you agree with contradicting sides of a conflict because they both have a point - I've learned very early to carefully monitor & remember who is whos friend and what opinion they may hold about that conflict, and to be very careful how I phrase things, as to not come off as two-faced. To me, it's not contradictory, but society disagrees for some reason...
OMG, I'm watching one of your videos after another and realizing I check pretty much every box. I've begun recalling things from my childhood: our neighbor complaining to my mother that "she's constantly staring at her feet when she's walking and not at people" when I was about seven (that's when I've started making an effort to compensate, I think);
how my mum had to cut my hair because I was constantly touching it and chewing on it (I still fiddle with it whenever my hands aren't occupied); how as a child I tended to start crying when overwhelmed (or, according to other people, for no reason at all); how sound is sometimes physically painful; I also have my seasonal obsessive interests (they last for four months on average, then I move on to another interest, although I may come back to it a year or two later); or how I consciously and with great premeditation taught myself to start conversations when faced with strangers...
I probably should get tested or something.
I have this huge issue when people expect me to "agree" with them, but I'm just stating a fact of a matter..so then they think I'm judging them. And sometimes I just fear being misunderstood so much, it really ramps up my anxiety and sometimes I stay quiet. But if it grates on my mind, I might bring it up again to explain myself.
The immediate answer thing really gets to me. When people approach me in the office and bombard me with an unexpected flurry of asks, my brain is taking time to absorb all they've said to me but they are rushing me and then the way i reply feels unfriendly to them, but I literally just processing and feeling stressed that they are expecting me to process and reply so fast.
In my head I'm thinking so many things, they said they want this, do I know how to do this?, Can I figure it out? What should I ask them? When do they want it by? How does it affect my existing schedule? What's the deadline?
As a really young person just researching this, I have been feeling a lot of this recently, and I was thinking that it was just me being fake or manipulative despite me caring for others more than myself. This makes a lot more sense.