All the frat boys looking alike was golden too. How many six-foot Brians with camo baseball caps did they bring in for questioning? That's like all of those girls' boyfriends...
I can't tell if we're all supposed to just be playing along with the joke, or if you're actually right... but sure, those two, and all the other girls in the video, are actually the same girl.
I can't see how that would be well for anyone, but she's picked up many important life skills and learned a lot about herself so you should just respect that
No foolin here; I went to a church gathering for college students and there were 3 friends who showed up wearing the exact same thing, and hair done the same way and neither of them had planned it. All three were so embarrassed about being unoriginal, that each of them snuck out a different exit at the same time, got into their volkswagon jettas, and nervously drove down the wrong way of a one way driveway and got trapped by a garbage truck, who couldn't back up to let them out. My wife and I, just watched and followed how it was as if they were female versions of three stooges... each girl trying to explain to the other while the poor truck driver was blaring his horn because they wouldnt move, because the three of them were more interested in their image to each other. It was like the twilight zone or something
“I saw on the news that they were looking for nutritional sciences’ major who has side bangs and loves america’s next top model. So I called the police and like I told them that I was fine” 😂
Police have released the Tinder profile on missing white girl Jessica Hagen: Enjoys shopping, food, travel Recites generic quotes from The Office Loves dogs Constantly wants Boba tea and Ice coffee States she's "here for a good time, not a long time" yet is also somehow "not down for hookups" Says she prefers her instagram dm, will never reply. Swiped right only for your dog
"Black & Decker releases paper-shredder shredder for extreme paranoids." The ticker tape is arguably the best part of their videos yet they're so easy to miss.
@@HankTheTank23 well it probably shreds the paper, then itself, then the leftover shreddings from both the paper and itself in a constant loop until its so small its impossible to distinguish it from dust particles
0:44 "More fat men cautiously getting mammograms earlier. "😂 1:04 "Most Americans aware there is something they should be doing with dead batteries instead of throwing them in trash but aren't sure what." 😂
@@naolllamsa9579 I vaguely remember seeing a Time magazine when I was kid, with a dude in a wedding gown. I remember there's a line in the article saying "The bride of PT Barnum" and it took me years to understand what that meant. 🤣
I still remember this story. The family thought they found Jessica, and they had taken care of her for weeks before realizing it was just another sorority girl.
Dornatum as a white person, white people look the same haha. Anyone who isn't mixed tends to look super similar. I know a family where I can't even tell apart the brothers because they have the same damn face
Homosexicle no you idiot, it's because they haven't actually like interact with enough white people, even white people who are obsessed to kpop can tell that not all asians look that same
futa I'm sorry...but the MAJORITY of Asians do look the same. I don't get offended when ppl say us Latinos or black ppl look alike, because even though I can tell SOME Asians apart, most do look extremely alike and I interact with a greater multitude of them and tend to date them exclusively. Shit, at my ex-finances family reunion, I was like..."this is not going to end well for me...is that Uncle Sao or is that guy uncle Sao, fuck it I'll just call all of them uncle till I find the right Sao", she EVEN admitted that Asians look a like to her!
Courtney D. Waller like i said it's because you haven't interact with them enough. I'm asian i can tell the differences because i've spent my whole life with asians, going on a few dates with a few asians, of course you wouldn't tell them apart, come back when you see thousands of different asian faces through the power of the internet.
Jesus Christ is it not like Asian people look all the same it is just a thing with you brain which isn't used to differ people by different characteristics and these characteristics do not have always differ allot depending on the ethnic group
I had a similar ex and told her "my memory of you will be tossed into the pile of all the other dumb sluts ive wasted my time on" and she did not take it well.
I doubt it . These anchors are real professionals . They are trained to deliver anything and not even think of what they are saying . it is all about appearance and style of delivery
I love how this video is 11 years old and nothing has changed. Maybe the clothing style, but today they all are even more unique 😂 at least if you believe their social media lies
I remember this. The hundred people reported themselves because the description also said it was also believed she had a butterfly tattoo on the small of her back.
I really wish there was something else we could do to help her. I know, I'll look around every once in a while when I'm at Starbucks typing on my laptop.
Jessica's last Facebook post was a poignant quote she attributed to Marilyn Monroe: "I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
I hope Jessie was found, she was so well known for being such a down to Mars girl, loved to travel and had so many pictures of her rock climbing and Loved the office.
this is by far the best onion news i've seen so far. my friends and i call those girls on campus "Clones". if there are a bunch of them they are a "Clone Army" and if they are doing something obnoxious and loud then it's "Attack of the Clones" lol.
"This just in: Jessica's boyfriend, Brian, is also missing. Brian is reported to be 5'11", white male, with short brown hair. Last seen wearing a white tank top with a map of America colored as the US flag, red basketball shorts, and black slides."
The not-so-subtle moral here (if we have the good sense to hear it) is that the craven desire to be accepted by others drives people to look, talk and act alike. "How drearily similar are all the great sinners of history. How marvelously unique the saints!" - CS Lewis
I feel horrible because the interviews from these other women and how her sisters showed their “love” made me think this was totally fake. Reading the comments makes me realize it’s not and it’s just sad and disturbing.
OMG! I'm a true crime fan from Pakistan and the only good true crime channels are American or Canadian. And I cannot tell you how impossible it sometimes is to tell crimes apart from the faces of the victims or suspects. Sometimes even the names don't help either. Jen, Jess, what?!
She was one of the girls that turned themselves in, but the police unsuccessfully identified her due to the other hundreds of girls looking exactly the same.
I usually get sick of all these "spoof" videos on here, but The Onion has never failed to make me laugh. Each of their videos has it's own aspect of society that it rips on and does it with perfect dead-pan execution.
I hope they find her safe so she can live, laugh, and love again.
Don't say the words under taboo.... It will summon lord Karen again....
She can't even
she's just so quirky
Dude you fucking killed her
Lol
It should be easy to find her. Because she's probably not like those other girls
Lmao
LOLLLLL
She's "built different" after all.
Brilliant
nice XD
She also posts a vague inspirational quote on Instagram every day, hopefully that narrows it down by another 5 people.
"Live. Laugh. Love." in her bio
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I think you added people to the list
Nah that would make it more vague, even Brittneys do that.
"posts a vague inspirational quote" to justify showing off her tits in the adjacent image...
Love the text on these reports:
Jessica's mother: "Please help us find Jen, I mean Jess"
Timestamp pls 😊
@@sketchy4771 merci 👍🏾
@@bobobsen what now?
As a Jessica, this hits home.
Timestamp?
All the frat boys looking alike was golden too. How many six-foot Brians with camo baseball caps did they bring in for questioning? That's like all of those girls' boyfriends...
Brian or Brandom. All the fucking time.
Chads
@@laurocoman Brock, Brady, Baliey, Bentley
I’m dead bc my stepdad was a frat guy and his name is Brian 🤣
Atleast 2 of them have to be Jessica's boyfriends.
I live in Ohio and I remembered when this went down. It was sad because we kept thinking they found her everyday
r/atetheonion
@@Ethan-qm9qt ahh ok
i’m so confused is this video real😂😂
@@makaylagreen4689 No it's not 😂
Yes. I remember spotting her several times in Florida. I should have called the authorities but she seemed fine every day.
The 2 girls they interviewed were the same actress with the same initials. Well done.
Tsochar
Holy shit. I didn’t even notice that they were the same person lol
The hidden jokes are the best
Didn't notice the same initials, nice catch
I can't tell if we're all supposed to just be playing along with the joke, or if you're actually right... but sure, those two, and all the other girls in the video, are actually the same girl.
I'll do ya one better, Jessica has those initials too and is probably the same actress if she ever even appeared
Your man isn't cheating on you. He just can't tell the difference between you and all the girls who look exactly like you
OK buddy I tried that excuse on my wife last night and... long story short I'm moving in with you :D
@@inspectorjavert8443 so how are the 6 months living with him going?
Looks... acts... dresses... responds...
@izzy B oh that's nice
@izzy B Its a robot vacuum cleaner.
"Jessica, we love you bitch." is the most jessica thing I've heard
At which point do those bitches take things seriously?
@@S_mitty that’s what I was wondering
@@calebdickerson2003thinking*
Update to this story: Jessica’s parents have not yet given up hope. They leave a pumpkin spice latte on the doorstep for her everyday…
Pretty sure she drinks Frappuccino
@@GrunesGemuse So, by this logic I shouldn't pay for Tinder anymore 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
@@kjl3080orange mocha?
So after 11 years she's still missing? Dang
i absolutely lost it at this
"Believes life is about the journey"
MY favorite too
Me too! I came down here to point it out! 0:55.
Not all wanders are lost
stereotypical girls these days..
Life before death
Strength before weakness
Journey before destination
Haha the little scrolling words at the bottom...."terrified spider screams back at woman" xD
who comes up with this shit?
@@daanm3869 geniuses
"black & decker makes a paper shredder shredder for extreme paranoids"
@@ethanpixelate
Sanjay Gupta receives arm extension surgery.... lmao, it's too long to write!
for those of you wondering: 0:44
"Describes herself as being "such a dork""
That made me roll my eyes 🤣
At 0:57
Silver pinky toe ring
Kendal Jenner lmao
I think I saw my brain
Nutritional Literature major
“Gets along better with boys than with girls.”
Of course
@Leandro Aude incel spotted lmao
@Leandro Aude Because only an incel would use jack words like "chad" to describe attractive men
@@nisaesen3215 Usually its feminists who overuse the word "incel" while not even knowing it's meaning 😂
nisa esen you're pretty fucking stupid
@Leandro Aude Nope. "Chad" is incel lingo and anyone who goes on Reddit knows that.
My favorite part is when they interview the same actress playing a different person.
At 1:02
It would have been funnier if they used identical twins, imho.
I also like the line of "I just keep thinking ... that could have been me, you know?"
That could have been me! ...is it? Lolol
Yeah u match the description.
Not really, she's at least thirty five
she's a 20 year old sophomore, Psych0, it was just the two years of heavy drinking and secondhand smoke at State
Didn't bode well for her I see.
I can't see how that would be well for anyone, but she's picked up many important life skills and learned a lot about herself so you should just respect that
The "DNA sequence last resort" got me.
Same, only 10 years late.
Reminded me of the Britney vs Christina Celebrity Death Match
Would have been great if she was an identicle Twin.
@@thebigcnel Same. Only one year later than you.
@Barra R oh damn 😂
The hidden dangers of being a basic chick.
or blonde
@@THAT.RANDOM.GUY_ I swear, just as many girls with brown hair are like this.
IKR??
Yup. They are like fucking clones, and use hive mind thinking, when more than one.
@@KubuśpuchatekTVN
Group think
No foolin here; I went to a church gathering for college students and there were 3 friends who showed up wearing the exact same thing, and hair done the same way and neither of them had planned it. All three were so embarrassed about being unoriginal, that each of them snuck out a different exit at the same time, got into their volkswagon jettas, and nervously drove down the wrong way of a one way driveway and got trapped by a garbage truck, who couldn't back up to let them out.
My wife and I, just watched and followed how it was as if they were female versions of three stooges... each girl trying to explain to the other while the poor truck driver was blaring his horn because they wouldnt move, because the three of them were more interested in their image to each other.
It was like the twilight zone or something
I've had a little bit of a trying day today and reading your comment makes my head hurt a little trying to imagine it.
You should buy the DLC that expands the basic character set. 😉
+
No wonder those girls are basic but you and your wife are such nosy people. It's equally embarrassing.
@@vanessatrinh9793 What reason did your friends have for wearing the same outfit?How long did you hold up the truck driver?
The” pink” pajama pants really take me back to the early 2010’s
All of the girl's initials are "J.H."
So are yours!
@@arbington Yeah, right.
They were at the time I commented anyway lol
@@arbington Lol
same
Would “having a photo in an exotic country’” help narrow down the search?
"take me back"
Kissing a dolphin or riding an elephant.
What about searching the beach strips at spring break
@@oliverstaunton10😅😅😅😅
She probably also has an arrow tattoo as well, and a live laugh love poster on her wall.
She does. Also a keep calm carry on decal and a salt life decal.
Dont forget "gather", "thankful" and "blessed"
Decorates her room with fairy lights.
...I want to decorate my room with fairy lights.
@@BewareTheLilyOfTheValley that's not one of them. People of all types do that
I was expecting the tattoo to be an arrow too lmao
Hundreds of girls came in thinking they were Jessica
I’M DEAD
“I saw on the news that they were looking for nutritional sciences’ major who has side bangs and loves america’s next top model. So I called the police and like I told them that I was fine” 😂
love the burn on huff post at the end
Solublemoth fake news
same
Police have released the Tinder profile on missing white girl Jessica Hagen:
Enjoys shopping, food, travel
Recites generic quotes from The Office
Loves dogs
Constantly wants Boba tea and Ice coffee
States she's "here for a good time, not a long time" yet is also somehow "not down for hookups"
Says she prefers her instagram dm, will never reply.
Swiped right only for your dog
The generic quotes
😂😂
Not down for hookups = only fucks chads
Yeah 😂
That narrows it down another 4
@vawies you literally just proved his point
"Black & Decker releases paper-shredder shredder for extreme paranoids."
The ticker tape is arguably the best part of their videos yet they're so easy to miss.
@J Ygb I believe the machine itself.
@@HankTheTank23 well it probably shreds the paper, then itself, then the leftover shreddings from both the paper and itself in a constant loop until its so small its impossible to distinguish it from dust particles
0:44 "More fat men cautiously getting mammograms earlier. "😂
1:04 "Most Americans aware there is something they should be doing with dead batteries instead of throwing them in trash but aren't sure what." 😂
Swati Sharma 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂💖
the batteries thing askfhjsldkajg this is NOT satire lmfaoooo
you can recycle dead batteries at certain locations
Throw them in the ocean.
The dead batteries things is one of the most relatable things I have ever seen on The Onion and I'm not even American.
"California names Oregon its state State"
As a native Oregonian, I think you nailed it.
Sames!
"Tyler Perry marries himself dressed as a woman"
Sometimes these captions can be even more hilarious than the actual video.
But the captions are in the actual video.
Didnt dennis rodman do that
@@naolllamsa9579 I vaguely remember seeing a Time magazine when I was kid, with a dude in a wedding gown. I remember there's a line in the article saying "The bride of PT Barnum" and it took me years to understand what that meant. 🤣
time to reatch the onion again, but only reading the breaking news banner xD
I still remember this story. The family thought they found Jessica, and they had taken care of her for weeks before realizing it was just another sorority girl.
What's worse is that incident started up another missing person's case for that sorority girl! It's a vicious cycle.
Listen,in an alternate reality im sure the onion is an ACTUAL news network
It's an actual news Network today. It was prophetic news.
What do you mean, “alternate reality”?
how i wish to live there
Wait, it isn’t?
@Ruzaini BinYusof
Cable's last chance.
I know exactly how she feels because she is so relatable and quirky
“Hundreds of girls turned themselves in thinking they were Jessica” omg I died
Not gonna lie
As an Asian, a lot of white people look the same.
Dornatum as a white person, white people look the same haha. Anyone who isn't mixed tends to look super similar. I know a family where I can't even tell apart the brothers because they have the same damn face
Homosexicle no you idiot, it's because they haven't actually like interact with enough white people, even white people who are obsessed to kpop can tell that not all asians look that same
futa
I'm sorry...but the MAJORITY of Asians do look the same.
I don't get offended when ppl say us Latinos or black ppl look alike, because even though I can tell SOME Asians apart, most do look extremely alike and I interact with a greater multitude of them and tend to date them exclusively.
Shit, at my ex-finances family reunion, I was like..."this is not going to end well for me...is that Uncle Sao or is that guy uncle Sao, fuck it I'll just call all of them uncle till I find the right Sao", she EVEN admitted that Asians look a like to her!
Courtney D. Waller like i said it's because you haven't interact with them enough. I'm asian i can tell the differences because i've spent my whole life with asians, going on a few dates with a few asians, of course you wouldn't tell them apart, come back when you see thousands of different asian faces through the power of the internet.
Jesus Christ is it not like Asian people look all the same it is just a thing with you brain which isn't used to differ people by different characteristics and these characteristics do not have always differ allot depending on the ethnic group
“I called and told them I was fine”
The 73 people who disliked this are Jessica
Joseph Simone the 7.4k people that liked this are also, in fact, Jessica
Can confirm, am Jessica.
But are they really?
This is one of the funniest comments Ive ever seen I'm crying
No. The dislikes are from Karens... 😂
Ex: you'll never find another girl like me
Girls like her:
I had a similar ex and told her "my memory of you will be tossed into the pile of all the other dumb sluts ive wasted my time on" and she did not take it well.
“A small tattoo of a cross on her, even though she isn’t really religious”
She was just in a silly goofy mood.
I wonder how many times they have to re-take because the anchor cracks up, I know I would xD
I doubt it . These anchors are real professionals . They are trained to deliver anything and not even think of what they are saying . it is all about appearance and style of delivery
@@anonfrank546 Not all the time honestly. Go ahead and look up news bloopers. Above all else, they're regular humans too
... was that the same woman interviewed??
Yep! Which makes this video even MORE hilarious!
Likely with the interviews having identical dialogue, too!
No they just REALLY LOOK ALIKE but diffrent people....
...was it? :v
May be !
Everyone’s focusing on spotting Jen, I mean Jess, but the guy she was with is literally everywhere and no one’s questioning him?
I love how this video is 11 years old and nothing has changed. Maybe the clothing style, but today they all are even more unique 😂 at least if you believe their social media lies
So unique they probably all used the same automatic Instagram filter on the same picture.
I remember this. The hundred people reported themselves because the description also said it was also believed she had a butterfly tattoo on the small of her back.
I really wish there was something else we could do to help her.
I know, I'll look around every once in a while when I'm at Starbucks typing on my laptop.
_[sniff]_ Not all heroes wear capes. I salute you.
Jessica's last Facebook post was a poignant quote she attributed to Marilyn Monroe:
"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
I hope Jessie was found, she was so well known for being such a down to Mars girl, loved to travel and had so many pictures of her rock climbing and Loved the office.
Yeah, poor J-Bitch :/
"you'll never find another girl like me!"
girls like her:
I drove by my local college the other day and saw dozens of girls that look just like the actress in this video.
I love how none of the girls who confused themselves for jessica were named Jessica
"it could have been me😳....was it🤔?!" -gets me every time 😅
Jessica: I'm not like other girls.
Thousands of other girls: omg same!
"you'll never find a girl like me again"
Such an underrated shot at the Huffington Post at the end there...
Jessica’s Mother: “please help us find Jen, I mean Jess” lol
Me: Uugs and Pink pants? Seems a little dated.. oh, 2010..
The onion is not dated your reality is just warped
It's 2020 and that's still not dated
this is by far the best onion news i've seen so far. my friends and i call those girls on campus "Clones". if there are a bunch of them they are a "Clone Army" and if they are doing something obnoxious and loud then it's "Attack of the Clones" lol.
how r u doing nowadays?
wait holy crap u still post lol
I gotta incorporate that "attack of the clones" into my friend group's vocabulary😭💀
And if there's infighting, you call that phenomenon "the clone wars"
Another important characteristic: she explicitly post on social media how you have to accept the way she is, and every few months goes on diet plan.
The little detail of hiring the same actress to play two different characters was a nice touch :D
"JESSICA, WE LOVE YOU BITCH" I laughed so fucking hard.
"Last year an ASU coed thought she was another ASU coed for 14 weeks." :D
Oh god, this is so true. This basically describes about 80% of girls in my school.
What makes these videos that much better and more effective is how they don’t have stupid canned laughter
I am now noticing (and appreciating) that Ohio State is the default college for all these bits.
"Jessica, we love you, bitch!"
I nearly spat out my drink when they said that.
We need more news channels like this these days. Always asking the tough questions. 😤
The reverse of the report of a black hoodie wearing, young man.
His name is Raymond but responds to Ray-Ray, R-Dog, R-Street, Big R, Little R and R.
“Happening now in Seattle: terrified spider screaming right back at women”
"This just in: Jessica's boyfriend, Brian, is also missing. Brian is reported to be 5'11", white male, with short brown hair. Last seen wearing a white tank top with a map of America colored as the US flag, red basketball shorts, and black slides."
"describes herself as 'such a dork'" haha.
At 0:57
This is literally my brother's wife, who falls for every pyramid scheme.
"HAPPENING NOW IN SEATTLE: TERRIFIED SPIDER SCREAMING RIGHT BACK AT WOMAN"
lol! XD
"Do you have any idea how little it narrows it down?"
"That could have been me. Was it?" 😂
Hahaha oh my god the huffpo dig is killing me!
I love that Jeanette and Jillian are the same actress.
What it's like to go through life faceblind
Why do you think Jessica is faceblind? Do you think only goths, hippies, punks, hipsters, and nerds can read faces?
I have great sympathies for face-blind people😔
The not-so-subtle moral here (if we have the good sense to hear it) is that the craven desire to be accepted by others drives people to look, talk and act alike.
"How drearily similar are all the great sinners of history. How marvelously unique the saints!" - CS Lewis
If this happened today, they’d make positive identification of Jessica by the color of her Stanley cup. If only the technology existed back then.
It's amazing how realistic all your videos are.
"The Huffington Post has launched a new print edition featuring arcticles torn out of other newspapers." LMAO
I feel horrible because the interviews from these other women and how her sisters showed their “love” made me think this was totally fake. Reading the comments makes me realize it’s not and it’s just sad and disturbing.
OMG! I'm a true crime fan from Pakistan and the only good true crime channels are American or Canadian. And I cannot tell you how impossible it sometimes is to tell crimes apart from the faces of the victims or suspects. Sometimes even the names don't help either. Jen, Jess, what?!
bruh, this is satire
@@hienable6933 no u
"Oh! This isn't helping."
She probably has “salt life” on her car
In other news, Tyler Perry marries himself while wearing the costume
“Sorry this is not helpful at all” I’m dead
"always ready to have fun but is also really organized"
is like how I would describe women if I had years to develop a description
"Works part-time at an animal shelter" helped narrow the count down to less than ten thousands.
"Believes life is about the journey" is so tinder
Twist ending: she was there all along but forgot her name
Well, she is blonde after all...
She was one of the girls that turned themselves in, but the police unsuccessfully identified her due to the other hundreds of girls looking exactly the same.
Funny, but expresses a sad fact of life: how many people are clones of each other and not true individuals.
I've seen this so many times but thank you, youtube algorithm, for putting this in the feed after 11 YEARS.
Nutritional sciences is way to too difficult of a program for any of them to graduate from
I usually get sick of all these "spoof" videos on here, but The Onion has never failed to make me laugh. Each of their videos has it's own aspect of society that it rips on and does it with perfect dead-pan execution.
Yep
Ok but doesn’t the reporter look like the Detroit urban survival training guy
Damn the Onion was batting a goddamn 1,000 ten years ago
You know a video is gold when it's uploaded 11 years ago and has just been recommended to you.
“Do you have the slightest idea how little that narrows it down?”