In regards to wanting details from the addicted partner, that should be based on each individual betrayed partner's need. They should be able to ask anything and get the truth if the addicted partner wants to heal the relationship.
A big problem with suggesting to say, I'll take you right now is that it's rarely that simple unless they have really, really good insurance or you're paying out of pocket & willing/able to put a deposit on their bed and that is no small fee. My son has been in treatment 7 times. There's only been 2 places that had a bed immediately & we had to put him on a plane to fly him to both and pay large sums out of pocket in addition to what insurance covered... I'm talking thousands.... He's noblonger on our insurance & has been told 3 or 4 times when he's been willing & wanting to go that he would have to wait 3-7 days....That doesn't work, those are the days withdrawal usually gets worse.... In theory it's great, "Take them right then!", in reality it's just not that easy. 🥺
I understand the advice of not getting all hung up on if it was “ten beers or twelve beers,” but in reality, if you look closely at that, the minimization that is still occurring is a form of dishonesty and a lack of transparency, under which most relationships will not thrive. A seed of doubt will still exist in the mind of the family member. Whether a blatant lie or an omission or a minimization, it still is dishonesty. If the family member is supposed to be backing off, not snooping, not questioning, (which I completely agree with, by the way), then it seems only fair and in the best interest of the relationship, that the addicted loved one be held to a standard of complete honesty and transparency. How is a relationship to mend, let alone survive, without that?
I agree with this. I would love to have admittance of every incident, not just the ones he knows that I am aware of. Mostly because I know me than he knows I do, and I have a really hard times letting go of those. I’m not willing to ‘give up’ what I know, unless he bring it up first. I know that is likely skewed, but I just don’t see a reason to do that.
really great video, the way you approached the topic is refreshing. but i can’t help but think that sometimes we focus too much on the individual’s journey and not enough on societal factors that contribute to addiction. it feels like both aspects deserve equal attention, don’t you think?
When bargaining phase didn’t work instead of accepting that and taking other actions toward sobriety, he chooses to double down on drinking. Basically just give up. Is that the path?
??? My husband of 37 years came home from his 1st 30 day recovery program 2 days ago. While he was gone I took away some of his personal junk jewelery that triggers bad memories for me. I put it in a baggie in case he wanted it back. This situation blew up and he is now rehashing issues from 30 years ago. Making me feel awful. We just can't talk eithout arguing. How can we talk about thing a without being lhurtful?
I’ve been living with my parents for 2 weeks. He’s been sober for that time. He wants me to come home, but I’m not ready. He doesn’t want me to get my own apartment. I don’t want to live in limbo indefinitely. What are signs it is safe to go back?
What behaviors have changed? Is he just not using or is he connecting with people for his recovery? is he willing to seek services? If you wanted to make the separation more long-term, would he tolerate it? if not, that's a red flag.
Hi Amber, how can you communicate with them that u need for them to answer their phone and let me know if they are going to be late. In active addiction he just doesn’t answer his phone. Can u ask them to let u control their money? How about their phone and if they are chatting to drug mates or women?
You can't control anyone else, unfortunately. Trying to control money or check phones only build resentment. You have focus on boundaries. "I'm only waiting up until ____pm. After that I'm going to bed." Make sure your money is separate. If you feel the need to control another adult to this level, it might time to rethink the relationship itself.
@@joycekoerner4437 Anna from We are recovery only gave her partner Mitchell $50 per week for two years when in recovery she took charge of all finances. Once the addict lies and breaks trust in many ways. It’s very hard to believe them.
What's really frustrating to me when I try to find video on trust is that you keep protecting the addict more or combining the issues. I personally never became what you're talking about as someone who did sneaking and set ups to my loved one until years after things were going on and it was Because of lying and gaslighting and crazy making so I don't agree with always mentioning right away that Boyh sides were doing it. I'm tired of that. The addicts brought it all on in order to cultivate the Bad Guy role and get the result they wanted so as to deflect their shame. Their responsibility in rebuilding trust goes WAY beyond what we should be doing. The best I can do until I feel like I'm trusting him again I'd be empathetic and receive his efforts.
I am an addict too gambling i have lost everything my ex partner doesnt want to know me anymore through my lies,hiding things not being honest that i spent money i have relasped 4 times and my ex partner didnt want to wait for the next time,she lost all feelings for me
?? Advice please so ah has not drank in over a year, tending to be the man I loved, however and I get that he is probably just not a super good guy but what to think of the occasional but too often yet not daily thank God, just hurtful critical comments towards those of us he claims to love. I literally am stuck it’s not likeI can lose half of my finances, mostly the roof over my head in this economy. Could some people just have been raised in such an environment that they just don’t get it?
I was told by my family. I needed to show it in action. I am the same with friends with substance abuse issues.
Addiction destroyed my trust with my partner. How do you get back from their infidelity? Please help
In regards to wanting details from the addicted partner, that should be based on each individual betrayed partner's need. They should be able to ask anything and get the truth if the addicted partner wants to heal the relationship.
A big problem with suggesting to say, I'll take you right now is that it's rarely that simple unless they have really, really good insurance or you're paying out of pocket & willing/able to put a deposit on their bed and that is no small fee. My son has been in treatment 7 times. There's only been 2 places that had a bed immediately & we had to put him on a plane to fly him to both and pay large sums out of pocket in addition to what insurance covered... I'm talking thousands.... He's noblonger on our insurance & has been told 3 or 4 times when he's been willing & wanting to go that he would have to wait 3-7 days....That doesn't work, those are the days withdrawal usually gets worse....
In theory it's great, "Take them right then!", in reality it's just not that easy. 🥺
Lovin' the notes Amber!
I understand the advice of not getting all hung up on if it was “ten beers or twelve beers,” but in reality, if you look closely at that, the minimization that is still occurring is a form of dishonesty and a lack of transparency, under which most relationships will not thrive. A seed of doubt will still exist in the mind of the family member. Whether a blatant lie or an omission or a minimization, it still is dishonesty. If the family member is supposed to be backing off, not snooping, not questioning, (which I completely agree with, by the way), then it seems only fair and in the best interest of the relationship, that the addicted loved one be held to a standard of complete honesty and transparency. How is a relationship to mend, let alone survive, without that?
I agree with this. I would love to have admittance of every incident, not just the ones he knows that I am aware of. Mostly because I know me than he knows I do, and I have a really hard times letting go of those. I’m not willing to ‘give up’ what I know, unless he bring it up first. I know that is likely skewed, but I just don’t see a reason to do that.
really great video, the way you approached the topic is refreshing. but i can’t help but think that sometimes we focus too much on the individual’s journey and not enough on societal factors that contribute to addiction. it feels like both aspects deserve equal attention, don’t you think?
I would love to hear your best solution for managing triggers.
Knowing what a trigger is and how it feels.. I would say you got that maybe Play the tape forward too , it’s never time to pick up..no matter what ❤
I tell my AL “you got what you created,don’t act surprised “
When bargaining phase didn’t work instead of accepting that and taking other actions toward sobriety, he chooses to double down on drinking. Basically just give up. Is that the path?
??? My husband of 37 years came home from his 1st 30 day recovery program 2 days ago. While he was gone I took away some of his personal junk jewelery that triggers bad memories for me. I put it in a baggie in case he wanted it back. This situation blew up and he is now rehashing issues from 30 years ago. Making me feel awful. We just can't talk eithout arguing. How can we talk about thing a without being lhurtful?
This is a great question! We always end up in an argument, no matter why we are talking about or ego brought it up. 😕
I’ve been living with my parents for 2 weeks. He’s been sober for that time. He wants me to come home, but I’m not ready. He doesn’t want me to get my own apartment. I don’t want to live in limbo indefinitely. What are signs it is safe to go back?
What happened to y'all being strong and independent?
What behaviors have changed? Is he just not using or is he connecting with people for his recovery? is he willing to seek services? If you wanted to make the separation more long-term, would he tolerate it? if not, that's a red flag.
Hi Amber, how can you communicate with them that u need for them to answer their phone and let me know if they are going to be late. In active addiction he just doesn’t answer his phone. Can u ask them to let u control their money? How about their phone and if they are chatting to drug mates or women?
You can't control anyone else, unfortunately. Trying to control money or check phones only build resentment. You have focus on boundaries. "I'm only waiting up until ____pm. After that I'm going to bed." Make sure your money is separate. If you feel the need to control another adult to this level, it might time to rethink the relationship itself.
@@joycekoerner4437 there is just no trusting an addict
@@joycekoerner4437 Anna from We are recovery only gave her partner Mitchell $50 per week for two years when in recovery she took charge of all finances. Once the addict lies and breaks trust in many ways. It’s very hard to believe them.
What’s your thoughts on her compulsive ongoing shoplifting, an expert their
Just one of the mistrusts
What is that all about?
What's really frustrating to me when I try to find video on trust is that you keep protecting the addict more or combining the issues. I personally never became what you're talking about as someone who did sneaking and set ups to my loved one until years after things were going on and it was Because of lying and gaslighting and crazy making so I don't agree with always mentioning right away that Boyh sides were doing it. I'm tired of that. The addicts brought it all on in order to cultivate the Bad Guy role and get the result they wanted so as to deflect their shame. Their responsibility in rebuilding trust goes WAY beyond what we should be doing. The best I can do until I feel like I'm trusting him again I'd be empathetic and receive his efforts.
I am an addict too gambling i have lost everything my ex partner doesnt want to know me anymore through my lies,hiding things not being honest that i spent money i have relasped 4 times and my ex partner didnt want to wait for the next time,she lost all feelings for me
?? Advice please so ah has not drank in over a year, tending to be the man I loved, however and I get that he is probably just not a super good guy but what to think of the occasional but too often yet not daily thank God, just hurtful critical comments towards those of us he claims to love. I literally am stuck it’s not likeI can lose half of my finances, mostly the roof over my head in this economy. Could some people just have been raised in such an environment that they just don’t get it?
Yes. I hope everything is okay for you.