Choosing Between A Lover And A Spouse
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 14 ก.ค. 2024
- Despite what some people may think, it's not an easy decision. If you're on the fence about whether or not to choose your lover over your spouse, then this video is for you.
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It may be that somebody has told you that you're really not in love with this other person; that it's a fantasy, that it's infatuation, or that it will go away. I'm assuming, of course, that you're watching this because of the fact that you are trying to make a choice between whether to leave to be with your lover, or stay with your spouse. In other words, you're married, but you're thinking about, "Maybe I should end the marriage and go to be with this other person because I've never felt love like this."
If you expect me to tell you that you're not in love with that person, then you need to change your expectations. I won't. I understand that you are in love with that other person, and will not deny that, but I will ask you to think about a couple of things as you plan your future. Because, as you make this choice, you need to make the best choice concerning everyone (especially concerning you).
I'm Dr. Joe Beam, with Marriage Helper. We love having people watch our videos. You see that subscribe button right down there. If you'd like to keep up with our videos as they come out click subscribe, and you'll always be notified. We talk about all kinds of things having to do with relationships, including this one: "I am married to one person, but I am in love with another person. I'm trying to decide whether to end my marriage and go be with this other person."
Now I understand, it is a “kind” of love. You see, in the social sciences we can identify various kinds of love. By the way, the one we never try to identify is true love. Why? Because that's whatever a person is feeling at the moment. That's too subjective or too different per individuals. Therefore, we can't really quantify or identify it. But, there are many kinds of love that we can identify. If you're madly in love with this other person, then probably (we don't have time in this video but there are other videos where you can check it out) we can look at certain characteristics and say if we would classify it in the social sciences as limerence. Well, it's a kind of love, without a doubt. It's an intense kind of love. If you'd like to learn more about it, be sure to check out our other videos. Look for the ones that talk about limerence. Just don't get mad at me if you don't like something I say about it, because I understand it. I've experienced it.
As a matter of fact, I've been in the very spot that you're in now. I was married to one, and I was madly in love with another. I had to make a choice. “Will I end this marriage, will I divorce her, so I can go be with this person who is the love of my life?” The kind of thing that people today call “soulmates.” Believe me, I understand the intensity of that decision. Later in this video, I'll tell you what decision I made and why I made it. But the very fact that you're watching it means that you haven't really decided, or at least in all likelihood, means you haven't really decided. In this video, I’ll suggest a thing or two that you should seriously consider if you're trying to make that decision. What I would call “essential considerations.”
(2:48) One would be, “Who all will be affected by your decision?” Whatever decision you make, someone is going to be hurt. You say, "What do you mean?" Well, if you're married to one who loves you and wants to be with you, then if you leave her or him for this other person, then you obviously are hurting the person you've been married to for a while. Or if you decide, "No, I'm going to end my relationship with this person that I'm madly in love with and I'm going to go back and make my marriage work," then you're going to hurt him or her.
And by the way, either way, it's highly likely that you're going to wind up hurting you. So, it's not a matter of, "How can I make a decision that hurts nobody?" Because at this point, that's an impossibility. I mean, I wish it were a possibility, but it's not. Someone's going to get hurt. Oh, and by the way, if you have children in this marriage, for example, then you're going to hurt them too. No matter how old they are, it's going to cause them some kind of pain. Younger children have some kind of effect that comes from the parents' divorce. Older kids have a little bit of a different kind of effect that comes from this. Read more at www.marriagehelper.com/lover_o...
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In other words, how to shirk your responsibility to marry the woman God commands you to marry, if you have taken her virginity! Shame on you!
Limerance is rooted in craving the acceptance of another - especially when you don't accept yourself
But why does the person with limerence crave the acceptance of a specific other? If the root problem is that you don't accept yourself and need acceptance you'd be limerent towards everyone.
Well said 🙂
@@elikorn7418 Childhood trauma and not becoming an adult with adult emotional intelligence, instead being the little child that never learned to self regulate in an adult body 😉
@@coutureleotards Nah! This limerance nonsense is all made up excuse to explain away the FACT that God gave some men the capacity to love more than one woman. Look up Ziona Chana.
Marriage is a commitment for me it's not only based on love alone.Avoid what ever that will make you choose.
Bravo. Yet I would suggest your marriage _is_ based on love, based on your commitment level. I think what you were trying to say is it’s not based on the _feeling_ of love, but on carrying out the _action_ of love regardless of one day’s presence and another day’s absence of that fluttery feeling.
As the wife in the trio, I was the choice in the end, but it still hurts and it changed me and my view of my husband. The loss is still profound. We have had a good marriage going forward, but it is a different marriage...I am not so naive and trusting. But I am glad that I went against my pride and gave it a second chance. We are better in so many ways. He is my first and my second husband, even though we did not divorce. We NEVER talk about that time in our lives...not sure if that is good or bad.
Women are the biggest simps. You are weak and a disgrace.
It is good!!! Because there is no point, its so great to be where you are. Great job
I’m not even married, but I can’t stop watching!
Mona Lisa I wish I was also like you to have watch these videos relating to relationship before marriage, could have planned married life better. I think it is a must to watch this channel videos before getting married so as to save a marriage when the storm hits, it is a matter of when than if..
@@drsteviejasengnsangma8739 Marriage as any relationship is a risk one takes in faith. We have NO Control over other people's feelings, beliefs, perceptions and Values. That is why Professional Marriage Counselling PRIOR to Marriage Commitment is important, but NO guarantee. A Loss of your marriage vow commitment and dreams is the most devastating thing one can experience in life. It affects so many people close to you and changes your life drastically in a traumatic way.
@@janemuller2066 Thank you so much for your kind reply and advice, indeed separation from the spouse is one of the most traumatic experience.
Thank you once again
@Mona Lisa same!
I am married and I do not need a husband who is in love with someone else .Go with other women please do not hurt your wife more.!
Saad bin. You are very wrong. The Bible actual tells us to. It’s very important.
No marriage partner is ever suppose to get close emotionally with no other person period. And Since we’re all adults here we know exactly when we’re crossing that line. Communication in marriage is the key to avoid a situation like this. Don’t go for long periods without talking about and resolving issues. And definitely don’t discuss your marriage problems with others unless its with a professional counselor. It’s people out here that prey on the vulnerability of others for the sole purpose of getting sexually involved. Im no counselor but it’s not rocket science ladies and gentlemen. Protect your marriage at all cost
what kind of a relationship is this which you have to Protect so much? a Weak one to begin wiith
Justin C
We’re all more vulnerable than we think.
You said it correctly. Always been my beliefs also. Some people don't want to believe that someone else would try to lead others astray. Satan uses every tool to destroy us. Those people are Satan's instruments.
This "forsaking all others" stuff should only apply to the wife! So many women need to be loved, but the monogamy only heresy is a doctrine of demons that forbids marriage to these women!
Life is way too short. Why would you want to be with someone that doesn't love you?
Life is hard... Thank you Joe! can't believe I'm in this spot. God is good. We are frail. Even if my wife doesn't love me, God still does... Thank you Jesus!
@Johnston Byrd There's a song that says "Life is hard, BUT God is good. My suggestion to you is to Seek God 1st and All the other things will fall into place. It's hard to be in a one sided marriage relationship, but no excuse to choose a Lover whilst you still in a Marriage relationship. Respect begets Respect. People lose Self respect when they Disrespect their spouse by committing adultery with a lover. How low are some people willing to go sacrificing so many valuable things and relationships in the process sadly.
Yes life is so hard...life is not fair. Why you can't be with someone you love..even you feel and let you feel that he cares and love you very much but because he's married and have children he can't be with you...
Admen
Loser simp. No wonder the West is losing.
We only have one life and sometimes only one real love.
Don't get married if you are not truly ready. Truly I mean whole heartedly. No brokenness into a marriage.
staying in a loveless marriage is equally detrimental to children. Children need to see and experience good healthy relationships and have good role models in order to have healthy relationships in the future. An unhappy marriage is NOT a good example.
Completely agree. It's way better to have one happy parent around than two unhappy ones.
B Shfr agree
@Valiant WomanMy kids have cared and is still. Cases vary. Also depends alot on their up bringing - Values and Beliefs
@@crisgg6475 People MOSTLY Divorce to marry for sex. That's the excuse to not separate. So they CHOOSE sex BEFORE / Over their family. A matter if Values. Children will understand when they are older why the separation and chances are during separation spouse's have Time to Think their Issues through and try to Work on it to the BEST if their ability
@@janemuller2066 That is not true. It depends. Sometimes you have to understand that people grow appart and desire different things. It is better to understand this and move on. You can also find someone else that can offer what you desire than be unhappy. Do not hold on on what's not working anymore. Doesn't help. It is not always about morals. Using the kids to keep a person attached to you is not right either. More on a selfish side.
This was one of the deepest talks I heard. This touched my soul. I am able to understand both sides of this argument. Cheating and being the other man. I let my emotions change the person who I was. I love this person and I don’t know how to let her go… because I want her so bad.
From a nurse who has seen death way too often. Life is short. Go where you're happy. Or work on your dead marriage. You don't cheat on someone you truly love...
Life is worth a risk.....rather be happily single and alone then married to a cheat or unhappy husband. Let us go!
Amen
Single here, never married. I agree with you. Rather be happily single and alone than married to an unhappy husband. We can't control somebody else's feelings. Not all persons can decide to do something about his/her unhappiness without straying from his/her commitment in the marriage. People can be unhappy, but it does not mean they need to leave if they have decided it's for better or worse. It's about character. And it's difficult - I can understand.
I love the 10-10-10. I never thought about the choice that way. You were right...everything changes if the wrong choice is made.
I thought I'd send this to my estranged wife, the 10-10-10, I wonder if she would even consider it.
taking a lover is a sign your marriage is over, get a divorce
Not really. 😉 read some psychology books aand you will see why not
@@prizescu
@@jodirook71 i'm a surgeon, learned too psychology but not couple therapy, wh8ch is actually a huge difference. Listen to Esther Perel, she can explain it better :))
Disturbingly simplistic. And very wrong
Hmm
If you really loved your spouse, you would never start searching for a replacement.
If a man truly loves his wife or wives, he will commit to her or them for life.
My husband and I have been together for 46 years! I know he loved me but right now we're going through this exact thing. I'm very "impatiently" waiting it out. Despondent, but what else can I do?
@@roylenekornovich3267 You probably know what your choices are and you do have the option of still giving him praise and attention or closing communication until decisions are made and lines are set. And you have to question if you can trust him again. Some marriages can overcome infidelity but that is a terribly tough one that most people must really want. I hope things get easier for you or that it becomes easier to make it into a beautiful story.
@@danieldeluca4936wives???? srs!!!
@@roylenekornovich3267 Pray, Trust God nd wait...
I like you, I like your approach, it's appealing and neutral
This was an excellent video. Thank you so much.
I'm fan here, I love your content this helps me understand about love,life relationships and marriage.
Been there done that. You are absolutely correct. Nothing but the truth . This man is telling you the gospel truth. I bet it wont happen again.Ever. I never cheat because I have experienced everything this man has spoken of. It wasn't worth it. It didn't work out. But i have definitely changed because of that hard life lesson.
But K I love you and we only have one life and one love.
Kathy Copper I bet you could teach me a thing or two! And not charge me, about $50 an hour.
Oh please, if a person cheated and left they were never in love with their spouse to begin with. When someone is in love they will never fall for temptation. So your spouse is basically with a shell right now, no feelings for them
Avery Au
This is very helpful, glad I stopped by, thanks.
Exceptional!! One of the very best by Dr. Joe!!! Thanks!!!
Right or wrong no one should stay in a dead marriage
Life is too short.
Your disagreement is with Jesus, who said that whoever divorces his wife, except in the case of fornication, causes her to commit adultery.
I wish my sisters marriage would of ended in divorce. But instead her health has ended because of her spouse. No one ever talks about these things. Marriages can be fatal if you’re with the wrong person
@@user-bu7cd9hx4q So you should have said that no woman should stay in a dead marriage.
I agree. Dead marriages are bad. And life is too short. But that is what most cheaters say too. That is what most evil people say. How do you know the marriage is truly dead? Have you ever tried, like really tried, to make it work? Because most people don't.
Also, how do we know that it wasn't YOU who killed that marriage, so you can have your excuse to leave?
That is why a marriage should never end, if not for adultery or violence.
@@KotsarisGR I sort of agree that marriage should never end, but every command I see against divorce in Scripture, is directed at the husband, not the wife.
Easy to idealize the "other." Why? They don't have to deal w/ the day to day bullshit of you. Yet your spouse does and loves you still. Culitvate the love in your own marriage. The fantasy of the sidepeice is a demonic illusion. If you leave with your lover; you'll, be discontent and what to leave them too after the " newness" or "honeymoon phase" wears off.
I know she's saying this guy makes her happy, but soon she will see i was a better man for her.
People learn from they own mistakes.and all relationship don't end the same way.
Yes, you don't leave your marriagepartner for another person. The choice is up to your partner to end the relationship. Will She or he give you a second chance in marriage? Will She or he be able to trust you again? Will you be able to break up with your lover and lose Every connection with him or her? Will you be able to show genuine remorse? Will you and your partner Go into counseling? Marriage is not alone about fidelity...
Break up with your lover? "Why do you have to hurt one to love another? Won't somebody please, please tell me!"
@@danieldeluca4936
REALLY????!!!
@@deborahrouse5644 Perhaps you never read the Scriptures. What did Jacob do when he found himself married to the wrong woman?
Joe, this is a great video and I have enjoyed all of the videos your group has. Is it limerance if you and your spouse have been legally separated for almost two years and you have both dated other people during this time frame? You both love each other and even talk about possible reconciliation. But trying to decide between the person you have now dated for 10 months and repairing your marriage is that different or the same as Limerance?
I heard a saying yesterday that I loved because I am already in the process of. "He is on the fence. Yank that fence out from under him."
I cannot thank you enough for all of your videos I must have watched at least 10 of them and they have all helped me make my decision and keeping my marriage intact so thank you very much ❤️
i pray my wife decided same, so i should send them to her?
Awesome choice
@@efthimios pray for wisdom. Normally its No good choice to send your spouse Videos Like this. Its Most a push away, Not a pull. You need only to Focus on you and Work on your PIES. And let god Workout what you Not can do. So maybe god wants that you send her this Video. But pray about this. God bless 🙏
Thank you , I've learned a lot from you..such a blessings from us..
Robert DeNiro changed careers
Why wouldn’t people change their beliefs or morals. Life is dynamic. You learn as you go forward in life.
I agree with you , when you have kids in your marriage you have to think about them, in spite of how you feel about that other person, we have to make a choose,
Have you ever watched "Sister Wives"?
@@Puppyeyes21 th-cam.com/video/KOq9ki8Fi58/w-d-xo.html
@Marie Lockwood I know of someone who left his wife and after a short while he came to his senses and returned realising the hurt he's causing his kids in the process. He has regrets of his poor choice to leave the family temporarily and is Suffering the CONSEQUENCES, but happy he made a choice to return. God can do What we CANNOT Do. He speaks to the heart & mind in His Perfect Time
😂 who wants someone who doesn’t have feelings for them? Only because of the kids? It’s like having them by force. If someone cheats they were never in love to begin with
I love your content.
very helpful and insightful information... I needed this today. Thank you!
You have an amazing delivery.
Choose happiness over a dead marriage.
Dumb fuck!
Cris G G What is Your Definition of happiness might not be the next person's happiness. Happiness is a choice the same as the choice to stay and work on happiness in your marriage giving it your BEST go
@@janemuller2066 Does knowing your partner is not happy with what you offer them, but staying with you out of guilt or society rules make you happy? Don't you always ask yourself who they're actually thinking of when they're with you? You don't own a person! Let them be happy. Your happiness might not be theirs.
@@crisgg6475 I CANNOT give advice without knowing The Full story of the Couple. Each case has it's own merits
Needed to hear this today. Thank you!
Do you want to get your ex back
I no of a man who help me can also help you
@@goddaygodspower6370 Not an Ex, we’re still married. I’m just struggling lately feeling intense feelings of loneliness and un satisfaction and wanting to be free to pursue other people. I find my thoughts dwelling more and more on other people.
I have loved that man all my life. I believethat we would be very happy together. My choice is clear, heissen married now. Was single when we had that fantastic love affair, got separated and at 82 and 89 foundeach other sixty years later. Is this true love ? I firmly believe it is.
The best choice is to leave a loveless marriage. Period.
Über Babe always put in work! So much you can both do.
Life is too short. Choose happiness
@@zlota6676 Depends with what Attitude you nake your choice. If You know You'very tried Everything in Your Power to save your Marriage then you make the Best choice for You and if there's kids for them too. Be transparent & honest all the way.
I get it but I think many people stay married for all the things they can loose. Just like the video says, sometimes choosing the lover can be detrimental because you're not thinking in the long term. I'm not saying everyone should stay in a loveless boring marriage, but better to divorce first and then build a good solid relationship with the lover. Although I don't know how many people do that 😂
People of character choose to put in effort in a comittment over their happiness! Just choosing happiness is selfish
Thank God I'm not married and don't have children. Still, people are going to get hurt by my decision☹
Amazing video and great delivery and voice tone, very deep. I found this video very interesting, although I may say that if a person chooses to stay in a marriage it's because they want to work on it and put effort, because it's not the other person itself but the need to feel live again.
On the other hand, If the husband stays in a marriage he doesn't want, why even staying? Although I've seen in relatives and other people that both parties start cheating and have their own lovers but keep marriage for practical, financial reasons. It's a crazy world
You can still have a very hurt full morning if you deside to stay with some that Cheated on youif the guilty person doesn't try to get close to you to patch thing up . what people dont understan is they have to be willing to change and no close off the relationship its like walking on egg shells with good intent
I watched this because I feel like the woman who has unofficially been my wife for over a decade and a half is in this spot right now. I almost wish that I could show her this video, in the chance that it might somehow help her see things clearly, but she insists that the problems between us and this thing going on with that boy have nothing to do with one another even though they're happening simultaneously. They haven't been intimate really, but it's definitely an emotional affair that's been stealing from us and making me look worse and worse.
Perhaps she’s tired of being the unofficial wife and not the legal one. If you’ve been together that long and have yet to talk seriously about your relationship, then do you have commitment issues? Surely there’s a reason you two aren’t married after all of this time.
This guy is just a genius.
Great guide
Thanks for making this video
Thanks for the video. Im not married but ended a relationship thanks to this vid. The word that struck me was "think carefully of your future" and clearly I see no future between me and the lady
Priceless
Thank you to teach a great lesson
My wife doesn't speak to me. She doesn't knowledge me. I do love her, why am I hold on.
How do you know if your new partner is in limerance? Take the scenario - her marriage is breaking down already and she starts a relationship with you. Is it limerance and will it last or best to bail now?
I'm sorry, but if I'm married to someone and they cheat on me, I'M leaving.
I loved watching ur amazing messages tnx 💕💕💕💕💖💕💕💕💕👑
What about the massive negative effects staying in an unhappy marriage has on the kids? Elaborate on that, too.
I believe that children can truly sense when their parents aren't happy in their marriage, which can be just as detrimental as a divorce would be. Agreed?
Amy Harvey my dad would cheat on my mom a lot and they took years to divorce so my sisters and I saw the fights and the tension. I would’ve liked if my parents would have divorced earlier instead of staying together. Them together affected me more. I would’ve loved to have seen my parents re marry before all the years of fighting.
@@ashleyesparza895 I completely agree with you and understand your situation growing up - I experienced the same! 😣 There are some things worse for children than divorce, as we can both attest to.
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment ~ Amy ❤
Amy Harvey Many people are very much biased to ignore the effect of an unhappy marriage on children.
I agree 100% , my son lost appetite for food , he was always cool ,always scared and even cried at school ,it hurt me more and decided to ignore so much to make him happy , but the truth is unhappy marriage is terrible than a divorce
Do you think it’s overstepping or may negatively impact the situation if I send this link to the strayed spouse?
Awesome....Gad bless you
You signed a piece of paper and made a vow in front of other people. Someone decided to name those actions as “marriage”.
Should that be enough to keep you tied to someone you’re not happy with?
They’re words - not the reasons or reality to keep a dead relationship alive
Yup, I fell, I tried to be honest with everyone and it all blew up in my face. Lost my marriage and the bf. And now, 14 years later, out of the blue, the lover calls up wanting to catch up and see how I've been. So I told him it's not been the greatest. He's disenchanted with his wife now. I started going to church, so the timing seems like a test or a temptation, and whichever, I know if I do the wrong thing here, my own cognitive dissonance will take him away from me again, so it's in to the friend zone I go, do some more waiting on this guy I've already wasted so much time on. I am not so smart.
Never ever break someone up,the wheel will turn. I couldn't trust someone who left their partner for me after cheating.
Your ex lover, was probably thinking, that you would cross that line and fool around while you were married so why wouldn’t you reciprocate when he’s married? Girl, you got played.
I am in pain for last three years. My husband won't bring closure on that subject of his affair. Neither he or his mistress(who ended her marriage) understood what marriage is. Read lots about karma ;and what I m going through is my karma is what I am started to accept.
Kick his ass out and move on to be happy.
When there are no morals or principles or ethics there will be problems.
I believe if you have allowed another person into your life, then you should go to that person, but don't cheat on your spouse. Grow up, and tell them the truth instead of ruining their life
My wife left me just over a month ago for her coworker who she developed limerence for in a short period of time. I feel better after knowing that they won't get married statistically. My in laws don't like her coworker and only love me. But they just moved in to a new apartment and signed a 15 month lease. She said she's already committed to it and can only come back to our marriage after their lease is done. I hope I can stay strong and become a better version of myself in the meantime.
Hey Adrian, Just out of curiosity, have you taken advantage of our free mini course? We know times are tough and want to provide as much as we can to you free of charge. That's why we created this free mini course. It will teach you how to get your spouse back and give you a plan moving forward! You can get access to it directly by following this link:
your.marriagehelper.com/how-to-get-your-spouse-back-mini-course
Shes not coming back simply because of a rental agreement. What?! I’d say she should sign another lease because shes not coming back. Fairwell
Some men don't need a woman to be happy! Freedom to live your life.
My girlfriend of nearly three years did this to me recently. We broke up because of that in early October and they got married in early December.
I've been having a really hard time coping and watching these videos have really helped me understand the situation and how much of a mistake she made. Thank you so much
@Betrayed tangerine Things always happen for a reason. Can be The Almighty saving you from future heartache & pain you don't deserve.
Consider yourself fortunate. Better to find out now before you put the ring on her finger.
Sad that I'm down on this crossroad confused after 15 years of marriage. Married with three adorable kids. My wife has cheated and I found two strong pieces of evidence. I had the heartbreak love but now I'm healing fast and I'm scared I may be leaving her. Though I've forgiven I'm unable to forget. My fear is the effect my ultimate decision will have on my kids. But I've found that prayer does help alot otherwise I would have completely broken 💔 down
Great great video
Thank you so much
Life is short. Never sacrifice your life to a lazy, dead-beat, boredom husband.
Hi Joe, I realize I am late to the game but I am in this situation at the moment. My husband of 36 years has left home to be with his affair person. This pain is like no other, he is the love of my life and all of the sudden he is out of my life. I asked him to consider all that you’ve mentioned in this video, I even shared it with him but to no avail, in the end he chose her. I am broken
How are you now? I’m in the exact situation except he has t chosen yet.
@@katyrichard6038 Dear Katy I am so sorry you’re going through this. After all these months by myself I’ve learned a great deal with the help of a fantastic psychologist. My husband wanted to reconcile but I declined. The choice is ours Katy they no longer get to choose. I believe
I will always love him, I miss him every day and doing life alone is overwhelming but I know I’ll be ok. Hope all works out for you whatever you decide to do.
I’m in the same situation. He chose his lover. The pain is like dealing with the death of a loved one. It’s unbearable at times.
My heart goes out to you and everyone else with broken hearts. It's real.
If you were happy in your marriage to begin with then you would have not strayed.
No excuse, happy or not, unless there's abuse. It's a commitment! 🇦🇺
Then make it happy again. You can IF you try and you SHOULD try!
Watching and listening from Indonesia.
Jakarta here 😊👍🏻
Shut up
Between Every Female & Male (Most-Attractive too) there isn't ---
Soul-Mate - Love, Bond, Relation, Feel, Need
Absolutely Can't Live Without Eachother -- Feel, Emotions n Feel, Need
Marriage-Oriented -- Love, Urge, Dreams ( with intimacy in bed , good-friends in bed etc, etc as doubted by people ) -- at all Every time.....🤷♂️
They Both just are "Very Dear n Close to Heart of Eachother with Chemistry, Warmth and Affection for Lifetime" in Every Generation ! 🤷♂️👍👍
This is so hard to hear as the spouse. If youre watching your spouse struggle to choose to work on the marriage and keep the family or end the marriage due to the feelings of the affair- what is the best thing to do?
The best thing to do is save yourself. You can’t control what they do, but you can control the level of pain and aggravation you’re willing to tolerate with a man that lies and cheats. I’m in the same position now and my gut instinct tells me to walk away.
i have the same problem...Amen!
You seem so disconnected with the betrayal and what it has caused and how deep it runs....You call it making love????? One should let their spouse know that they are in an open relationship without agreeing to it....your spouse is entitled to that at the very least. Years upon years upon years of faithfulness and family dedication deserves at the very least that. There is only a few other circumstances that can cause more severe trauma than being ultimately faithful to your spouse for decades only to find out they betrayed your ultimate trust. I have been through so much trauma as a child and so on....this is the worst
Amen!
Is this video worth sending to my spouse who’s on the fence during a midlife crisis?
Just divorce them and move on your just prolonging the inevitable...good luck and be happy 😊
My adult kids were deeply affected. .... He. ? I wonder now If after all these yrs if he has stayed in touch with her.
All very helpful
My husband left me after 26 years to be with his ex wife whom he was married for only 6 months. I'm heartbroken. Still love him. My intuition tells me that I think he is stuck. These videos are very interesting.
While what you are saying has truth to it. True love comes from God a person who commits adultery doesn't even have love for himself/ herself it born of selfishness .
How long has he now lasted with this other woman?
My heart hurts for you.
Too much to lose when one leaves their marriage and family for someone else. Especially for the kids bc divorces can cause 10-15% mental health when there is a divorce. My parents got divorced when I was 8 y/o. Then, my second grade teacher told me, “would I rather be happy when my parents aren’t together or miserable and unhappy when they are together “. I now get it bc my parents fought so much when married.
Yeah, but I bet the relationship of the spouse who was unfaithful, had as much or more fighting and didn't last either.
She decided and she has left. 35 year marriage done and moving through a seperation.
I am married but very much in love with someone else.someone from my past, I didn’t see before how much I really loved her but I see now how much I do love her and what a mistake I made by marrying my wife. I do want to be with the other woman but I have a hard time hurting my wife.I really don’t know how to handle this. And there is no assurances with the other woman . My morality won’t let me leave someone to go be with another woman. Right now I just want to be alone!
So Glad you guys are pro marriage.
I learn a lot from this vedio .
Waw thanks much.
You forgot the option that most men think of which is......I'll have them both for as long as possible.
These what happen to my husband 😔
He left us,he choose his lover than to us.
But I'm still hoping for miracle that someday he may comeback 😑
I guess with examples and decisions like the ones self centered adults make helps us understand why children are so misguided.
What if you've been miserable in your marriage for years and have only stayed together because of entwined finances and children? I feel like limerence could describe the way I feel about another but it also has the characteristics of "real love". I don't necessarily want to leave for the new person because I haven't pursued her and its more like the feelings I've developed for her have caused me to see how toxis my marriage to a narcissistic abuser is. Even if things don't work out with the person I've fallen for I still feel like leaving is the right thing to do. All we ever do is argue and make each other miserable.
I know exactly what you’re talking about. I haven’t yet met the man I fell in love with irl, and never went looking for someone else, but my relationship with him has shown me just how bad my marriage has been all these years. All it took was a man to love and respect me as I am.
But what if you dont have kids with the spouse and the spouse has cheated on you? But you were with the other woman for 25 years and you left her and met a woman within 1 year and married her but you were still in love the other woman.
I want to know this answer
What if he tried to kill her? My dad beat her and put a gun in her mouth. He hit us kids, and once threatened me with a knife, but never lay a finger on my mother. What does that mean?
What I mean is, I always figured that my dad never truly loved his mistress , because he tried to kill her. And while I suppose that means that he never really loved my sister or myself as well, I reasoned that may be the only person he ever really did love was my mom (hence never showing her violence). Now I'm even more confused.
Elana Vital 🤭
@Elana Vital We always advise people who are in danger to seek safety. If necessary, call the domestic abuse hotline: 1-800-799-7233 or visit thehotline.org
There is no prohibition that I know of in Scripture against a woman divorcing her husband, so long as she does not run off and marry some other dude. All the prohibitions that I am aware of, are aimed at the husband.
Then it's time to get out! Jesus said love yr wife, respect yr husband etc. 🙏🇦🇺
I'm just wondering if you decide to stay in your marriage, and your spouse finds out the depth of your involvement with this other person, what's to say they don't show you the door !!!
Hold on!!! You are talking bull. You see the wrong side of divorce. Everybody is affected, but that doesn't mean I have to be miserable all my life because the financial bull. Children get affected with a wrong marriage. So, before making this videos go back to social science school and be a marriage and sexual counselor.
Get into counseling with ur spouse and make it work!
Kids will always be watching you as an example for how to lead a happy life. We can’t avoid conflict and we can’t shelter our kids from death/rebirths of our life. Beliefs and values are the programming of our culture and society. Life is about relationships and connection. Model happy connections, & resolving conflict maturely. Relationships & friendships are all eternal yet we are human and by nature need to evolve. People come and go your entire life.
Finish what you started before you move on!
Watching this to see the thought process of my husband.😢
In the majority of cases people have affairs because there is something missing in their marriage, be it sex, emotional closeness, validation of even bored of having no decent communication. If a person has already tried to talk to their spouse to make things better and the person refuses, then what they supposed to do? Just chew the fat and stay in a unsatisfying relationship for the rest of their life. That's unkind to both of you. This guy is conveying his opinion, but he's never actually said why his lover left! If she hadn't have left would he still have gone back to his ex wife? Why spend your life unhappy, you're just sacrificing your happiness to save upsetting someone else. That's just being a spineless coward. What needs to happen is that the lover needs to stay away. Then the spouse tries to mend the marriage. If it can't be fixed, then divorce first and go to your lover once him/her is divorced. That way, you are not leaving the marriage for the wrong reasons.
Hi Susan, we actually received a similar question on our video: "Married But In Love With Someone Else Part 1?" asking if Dr. Joe Beam would have stayed with his lover if she hadn't left him. Dr. Joe Beam will respond to your question: "If she hadn't left would he still have gone back to his ex wife?" in this video (Part 2) Please watch it here: th-cam.com/video/uXC7RxHkbc0/w-d-xo.html
There are no guarantees when u marry! if there's abuse, get out. 🇦🇺
Self serving, selfish, immature brat.
This is exactly what I am going through. But I was honest to both ladies and lost them both :\
I.am.going to this situation right now with my husband, he cannot choose between me and his girl friend.
Shouldn't have put yourself in such a situation. Reap the rewards!
Your advice is antiquated as my husband has filed for divorce and says he no longer wants to grow old with me. Why would I not choose another man?
To love at a distance knowing nothing will ever happen is hard. Yet I would not regret for a day this love.
LadyAnne Trust I know. IM in this right now! Well my EX IS doing limerance!!!
Speaking up for the ones that fell in love with a married women. Some of us WILL fight every day knowing the hell you went through and showing you we didn’t take your decision lightly and will do everything to show you the decision to be with us was indeed two soul mates coming together. I love you Katie
@@CFCASE Why fall in love with a married woman? Jesus said that if you look at a married woman, with desire for her, you have committed adultery with her in your heart.
Daniel DeLuca the bible also said don’t eat shrimp or wear denim - pick whatever you like to believe in the bible - most people do.