Every woman i have known who has left a cheater has flourished. Cheaters are energy vampires, the longer you stay and put up with their bullshit you start to look like what they're putting you through. I learnt from my mother to never stay with a cheater, it's not worth it.
Your mother taught you a very valuable lesson. Some women stay and their children see everything Your mother sounds like a very strong woman who was thinking about her children the whole time. X
I reallyyyy needed this. I just recently found out my husband was an addict AND a serial cheater, assaulted me physically and to top it off he has NO remorse. We have 3 children together and I have filed for divorce but it’s been so much exposed about him and it’s a lot to take in and my mind has been racing. Coming to terms with being with someone you don’t really know like you thought is heartbreaking 💔.. I hope I heal soon
It’s very heartbreaking 💔… you’d thinking the world is caving In you can’t breath. But believe me God is definitely carrying you. You’re not walking you’re being carried. It gets better
Divorce is so common place today why would someone try to make another person feel shame or guilt? My promise to myself when I divorced was to not become an angry, bitter person. I have friends that still tell me when they see my ex. I have to remind them I don’t care about their life. To me my ex is like a stranger, I don’t wish them harm or good. With strangers you feel nothing.
I needed to see this. Thank you so much. My husband is a serial cheater - in the last year, I have learned of 3 women he’s had extramarital affairs with. I have been struggling with the deepest grief I have ever known, but this has given me some hope to imagine a beautiful future for myself. Thank you, Toni 🙏🏾
Divorce saves lives! In particular black women! We are often carrying the load of the family-financially, emotionally and spiritually. There is often no return on investment. Yes, life is BETTER on the other side of divorce . Peace of mind is priceless. My only regret is why I didn’t do it sooner. ❤
Yes some may call it, “intuition“ but I literally believe it is a manifestation of the Holy Spirit who helps us out in this world and is trying to let us know pay attention to this something is happening! Thank you for being so open and honest about your journey and just continue to thrive Diva💜
I found it to be way more important to forgive myself than my ex husband. Why should I concern myself with forgiving someone who intentionally chose to hurt me. Walking away and regaining my peace and sense of self was my confirmation of forgiveness. I used to pray so hard and long for God to change him. When I finally realized that wasn’t going to work, God finally said stop praying for him. You are blocking your own blessings. I changed my prayers from that day forth and my life has changed tremendously. Instead I asked for foresight, clarity, strength and wisdom. I was flooded with premonitions about his secret behavior that all came to light. Evidence fell in my lap without me looking for it.
Your words about forgiveness are… OMG… SPOT ON!! I have been in therapy for a year and a half and not ONCE have we discussed forgiving HIM and I’ve spend countless sessions learning to forgive myself and rebuilding my sense of self worth and self esteem because… whew.
I started watching you during "that" time. And I'm so proud of you. You handled everything like such a lady and with such class and just you are just...wow ❤ My intuition has neverrr been wrong. As I have gotten older, no matter how crazy my inner voice may seem? I trust it with everythingggg. My biggest mistakes and downfalls have occured when I didnt listen to my intuition.
I'm in the beginning stages of liberating myself from a husband who has cheated and has been diagnosed as a narcissist. Everything you said I've thought to myself, I'm learning, and I can relate to 100%, even the strong intuition from childhood to now. I can't wait to regain what I've lost over the many years of being in this abusive relationship. I can't wait to be me again. Thank you so much for sharing this with all of us💐. I needed to hear this to help me realize I am making the right choice.
Kay, Im sorry that you were dealing with an evil narcissist. They are horrible. Please read the book The path forward surviving a narcissist. Wishing you all the best. Glad you learned the truth about him.
@Ang.143 Thank you! I never thought about forgiving myself until she said it in the video. That struck me so deep.The one thing that has really brought me down the most is the cycle of me questioning, "What the heck was I thinking!?", going down the long road of regrets of having children with this man, our children growing up with a mentally unstable father, the overall strain it's put on me to be the best mother I could be while also trying to be what they are missing from their father, and the regret of allowing myself to be mistreated this way for so long, 23 years! 23 years! Thinking I could save him. That I could be help him find salvation. Finally, I realize you can't save someone who is comfortable being lost. So, forgiving myself is what I'm going to now focus on💕.
So well said. I go to bed in peace and wake up in peace. I will let nothing or no one disturb it. I ask myself this question every time I sense my peace is in jeopardy. " Do you want to be right or do you want peace". This question keeps me on track and allows me to walk away from any disturbance in peace! Loved your video Queen!
I left a serial cheater last year and ALL of this resonates with me. My health detoriated soooo much and I'm bouncing back now. I just feel sooooo much better. Once I forgave myself, I also stopped caring what everyone thought about my situation.
My ex was a serial cheater. I blamed myself but after a while I realized he’s just sick and I left him. I’m currently in a wonderful relationship and he got married recently.. and guess what.. he’s STILL cheating.. on his new wife.
What I learned from my engagement to a serial cheater is as you said he was really an insecure short man.He tried to come off as confident and like he had it all together but he really didn't believe it about himself.I also didn't forgive.I am actually grateful that had he not did what he did after my period of mourning our relationship, I was able to flourish more in my business while he stayed stagnant. I was able to love me more and my discernment is better.I met a very good man who treats me like a queen and is successful himself in business and wants me to win at any cost. It is definitely not you! They have the fatal flaws.Be glad they leave or you left. Let them be someone else's problem😂😅
I first would like to say TFS, now, some people think because we click on this type of video is because we are being nosey, but for me at this stage in my life I see so much value in listening to others experiences after recovery. I really believe we can be therapists for one another in some cases. Again thanks for sharing!!! 💜
Always go with and listen to your gut instinct. Its never wrong. People call it intuition but I call it the voice of God telling you that something is wrong. 🤔😔💯
Forgiveness is a very personal choice. I think forgiveness is often times associated with the assumption that they are allowed back in your life. I believe you can forgive someone without having a relationship communicating, or sharing space with them. One thing I think is extremely important whether one decides to forgive or not, is that grudges, hatred, bitterness, and anger have adverse effects on mental, physical, and emotional health. Not to mention that the people who have wronged us often times get off on us displaying those emotions, because it tells them that they still exert power over us to a certain degree. I'm not saying that these emotions and feelings are not valid, especially in the beginning and when things are still being done to us. However, remaining in that emotional state only causes us harm over time. The best revenge is for them to see us flourishing when they thought they could break us, which is exactly what you're doing, Toni. And I see how that individual is absolutely beside himself because you have moved on and your life is beautiful, and you have an amazing support system. That is what healing is all about. Thank you for sharing your story with us. We will always root for you.
“Promise yourself to be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.” Happy Saturday beautiful Toni, I enjoyed this vlog and listening to your truth. Yes, please learn to forgive yourself. “Intuition is the whisper of the soul.” Our intuition if we learn to trust it often saves us from a lot of disappointments and disasters. Peace of mind is EVERYTHING! Have a wonderful day 🙏🏽✌🏽💕
Forgiveness is for yourself! I learned this a long time ago. Once I forgave myself, they were no longer a factor. Healing has always been about forgiveness for me. I hate those flashbacks of what I should have done or said. I've spent real-time grieving relationships, and therapy taught me how healthy it is, feel, deal, heal.
I found you by watching the video when you talked about your husband cheating. Just want you to know I was going through the same crap with my partner of 15 years. I left and went back as similar to you didn't want to waste those years. Nothing changed tho. Finally got out Sept 19th after my intuation told me he was up to no good and when he said he was going to work early I dropped my daughters iwatch in his car and tracked him. My intuition was proved right. I moved out and am watching your videos again to show that we can heal and move on and thrive after an awful relationship. Thank you for doing what you do toni, you've helped me out alot x
After leaving a narc bf, I flourished. I mean FLOURISHEDDD that ninja was holding me back in so many ways! Forgiveness is a process and depending on the situation; it could take minutes, hours, days, months, years or just simply won’t happen if the conflict that happened is unforgivable. That’s why you don’t go around blatantly disrespecting others‼I feel bad for those who were forced to forgive another person before they were even ready emotionally & mentally and just to " keep the peace "; they were robbed of a skill that needs time to develop. Forgiveness can also happen in chunks but forcing myself to forgive a person WILL NOT happen in a million years!!!
One of the most awakening lines I've heard was ,Stop looking for yourself in another person, There cut from a different cloth...Loyalty may be at the top of my list ,but at the bottom of theres....
I’m enlightened. I was putting a lot of energy into forgiving the cheating abuser (Narc ex-husband), but I need to put the vivacity into forgiving myself, thank you. Your wisdom is needed.👍☮️
My divorce was the most heart wrenching AND beautiful thing that I ever experienced! I love the woman that I am now and I keep the promises that I made to myself. My boundaries are nonnegotiable and the way that I communicate is completely different. I used to want an apology but at this point it’s no longer needed. The healing journey is not easy or fast but oh so necessary. I love the woman that I am now. BTW I was married for 18 yrs and have been divorced for 5. May everyone that is going through the journey eventually find and protect their new peace. ❤
Thank you so much for talking about forgiveness. Compulsory forgiveness is a scam. That includes the "forgiving them is for you" bollocks. Nobody *has* to forgive anyone.
Toni, love the peace of mind...it is everything!!!!! You must feel the weight of that world lifted off your shoulders. He would never hear from me again!
Love this video! After leaving my narc ex husband, I began to feel like I was living life! He controlled me for 16 years ( couldn’t go out with friends, monitored my phone, forced me to look towards the ground when in public in efforts of not making eye contact with other men) it was CRAZY! But now I’m free! I want to share my story to help other women, but I’m a little bit nervous with over sharing. If you’re in a similar situation and you’re reading this, let this be sign to LEAVE.
I remember I was standing outside and I was all dressed up nice and this guy tried to talk to me and told me I looked nice. When he looked at me he asked me did I just walked up am I going through something. It's crazy how when ur being cheated on it shows up on ur face
Peace balance and wellness to you Toni, sis I’m so with you on this “forgiveness sh*t”. My question is, “who really benefit from forgiveness”? I don’t have to forgive if i feel like this person isn’t worthy of my forgiveness, and my live still goes on, that person just doesn’t exist in my world..
As long as you dont hold any grudges or ressentiment etc... So you can forgive on multiple levels... But most important you forgive yourself for not respecting yourself...❤ If this makes any sense... Harbouring bad feelings can manifest in bad diseases in the body. (My respons was before watching the vid..😊)
When someone has done you wrong, and the person hasn’t even ask for your forgiveness, why should I give that individual my forgiveness, who will it benefit? It damn sure isn’t benefiting me and my life goes on. It irks me to hear people say, “forgiving is for you to move on”. Me not forgiving someone who has wronged me won’t stop me from living a healthy life..
No existing in your world or past. Bc he wasn’t who I thought I married I deny my marriage I don’t know him if you ask. I forgave for myself and once God saw I walked away and the peace that came over me is amazing.
Thanks for sharing such wisdom with us Toni! I have never heard this perspective on forgiving. It really makes a lot of sense. I have to agree that focusing on forgiving the cheater delayed my healing. I eventually healed and moved on. Then God dealt with him. ❤
I wish I could hug you right now. This is pure love to share your heart and wisdom with us. Everything you have said just resonates!! The shower though....yes ma'am! "Your peace of mind is priceless".... "Forgive yourself" ..."Heartbreak can disrupt your mental health as well as your physical health" just thank you for saying this out loud❤
People will treat you the way you allow them to treat you. And as far as forgiving that person, being a martyr and falling on the sword, EFF all that nonsense. That's all of that patriarchal, misogynist mess wrapped up in religion, that is detrimental to women and has cost us so much. Just MY OPINION. I'm so happy you survived that fool and his nonsense and came out on the other side successfully!!!
Hi Toni..you are younger than me AND I always learn amazing things from you. Showering ourselves with forgiveness is an absolute necessity. Truth be told…sometimes our forgiveness of others is trampled upon by the very people we forgive; which is another hit to our self esteem. Continue on in your journey to an amazing life! ✨
I love this! I remember the pain and hurt you shared here in this space during that time of your life. Your transparency allowed many of us to heal alongside of you! ❤ I've learned in my own journey: forgiveness and reconciliation ARE NOT SYNONYMOUS! So many believe that forgiveness means getting back with the person. It does NOT! I will never reconcile/reconnect to something unhealthy. I have forgiven because I've been one who was in need of it and the same grace extended to me I now get to give to others. Again, it does not mean I have to allow them back into my life.
Thank you Toni for touching on the forgiveness part..so many ADULTS have done me wrong as a kid and it's unforgivable but I've been pressured to give it over to the lord and forgive..I thought I was the only person to think that it was ok to NOT forgive and it does ME no good. Thank you for that! You are a beautiful person inside and out and im so proud of you❤
I never forgave him throughout the marriage because I hated myself for staying. It was once when I mentioned I wanted a divorce was when I knew I finally forgave myself. The healing begins when you put your foot down and leave them in the dust.
I agree 1000% with the forgiveness part. It always bothered me that people who are harmed bear the burden of the harness that was done to them. That is not controversial
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Dealing with trauma of any kind, including cheating or whatever, it's not monolithic. There's one one sized fit all solution to healing. I've learned that I don't have to forgive anyone for their transgressions in order to heal. I'm okay with never forgiving anyone, and I can move on from it. But I will agree, forgiving yourself and trusting yourself is very important and crucial for your mental health. Idk why divorce is so frowned upon, especially when it is necessary.
I love your strength. I’ve been watching since your condo days and you have never looked happier. I love all the women who celebrate the freedom of divorce.
Forgiveness is a powerful drug that's often taken in small doses. For the most egregious offenses, forgiveness takes time. I've always felt that if I held on to the pain and betrayal, my betrayer still somehow had "power". My exhusband treated me like trash. It took a few years to fully forgive him, but it allowed me to completely disconnect from him emotionally. I'm better, stronger, and wiser ❤🙏🏾
I totally agree with you about forgiveness. It serves abusers and oppressors to have everyone be so quick to forgive. It has been weaponized to keep us accepting less than we deserve.
Only halfway in so far. Its very encouraging how your energy is as you talk about it. Helos me feel stronger. That its okay to drop pouring mental and emotional energy into the past hurts. And I can see the protection field you have around you about it. Like nobody can take your energy and depleat it or control you. You're living your best life and moving forward and choosing happines and new stories. I love it!! Thank you!
"Once a cheater, always a cheater" although very generalized and cliche, is a pretty good rule to live by. Do some people change; yes, but highly unlikely in most scenarios. Stick with your intuition. Your nervous system is connected to your brain for a reason (intuition). If you become psychosomatic and feel addicted. WALK TF AWAY!
Thank you for sharing that you are not ashamed of your divorce and embracing that as part of your life story. That is where I am, struggling with accepting that will be part of my life story. I did not sign up for this, I was all in and committed. I took my vows seriously and with every intent to be married until “death do us part.” 30 years of being married to a serial cheater. Realizing that the work I’ve put in to saving the marriage has been and is always greater than his effort. His efforts are for him, not me or us. I am so tired and have lost myself. Seeing your growth and reading the comments from others who have come out the other side is inspirational. Thanks.
Forgiveness is earned based on the person doing the following: Responsibility: Accept what has happened and show yourself compassion. Remorse: Use guilt and remorse as a gateway to positive behaviour change. Restoration: Make amends with whomever you're forgiving, even if it's yourself. Renewal: Learn from the experience and grow as a person and not doing the actions again.
Thank you for sharing. I never thought about it in that way. Forgiving myself for what happened. I still have those “shower scenes” and rethink arguments etc. But yes, they happened for a reason and I'm better now for it. When people hear about my separation/pending divorce they say “I'm so sorry” my response is, don't be. I'm not. So I'm getting there. But you have shed a light on my healing process. Thank you!
Omg! I NEEDED THIS SO MUCH! The last thing I told him was that I would NEVERRRR forgive him for what he did to me. My family and friends thought I was so wrong. He had destroyed every part of my confidence and self esteem. Today, I revamped myself to EVERYTHING He said I couldn't do. I dare him to step to me with his bs! I'm not the same woman at all! Leaving was the BEST decision of my life! Thank God!
Although I don't agree 100% with EVERYTHING you said here, I'm so happy to see you thriving and happy. Peace of mind is priceless. Good for you from a looooooong time subscriber.
Hey Toni, great video. I never heard forgiveness put in this light. As a Society, we always put forgiveness on the other person to heal. Thanks for sharing. Also, as I’ve watched your videos, I literally seen your skin, your hair improve. I’m glad for your healing. I love the way you think, you’re so wise. ❤❤❤
I’m so proud of you. I remember watching one of your videos where he had left and I thought it was a skit. But when I found out it was true I was so in shock like I never even saw it coming, but you bounced back so well it’s almost like you’re a new person and I love it.❤
Hi Toni, I’ve been watching your videos for a long time. It goes back to the days when you would take us along with you to the braiding salon to get your hair done and you would talk with the British accent from time to time. I loved that lol. Anywho, I don’t comment much at all even tho I enjoy your videos. I am compelled to comment on this one because it hit home. The learned lessons are so valuable for many of us women. For me, being able to forgive myself is the greatest part of healing. And those playbacks were meant to be the way they happened, is golden. Those playbacks can keep you down for days. I can go on and on but there’s not enough space and no one’s gonna read that script anyway lol. Thank you for sharing because it really can help someone else. Love the beat! Continued blessings to you!
Good morning 😃☀️🌞. Not only did you share some very good information. You transformed with each word into an phenomenal woman. 🎉. It is truly a celebration.
Yess, to all the points! My ex was and still is terrible with money. My intuition was speaking to me from year 2. 8 years together and 2 years married. We coparent our 1 child, his new wife is👌🏾, and I've grown so much since then. My divorce was a blessing, iykyk ✨️✨️✨️.
Thank you for sharing. Totally agree that cheating has nothing to do with you! and yes, grief/hurt does connect us all. This is why I hate when divorced women act like they’re better than others; they love that “at least I got someone to marry me”. line. It’s disgusting that some people take experiences and use them to 1-up other women.
Yes. I have also grown up to understand this. We can’t think we are special because we got royal loving partners. Nobody goes out there and says I want to be with the abuser. Everyone would like to have that peaceful man.
I just learned through therapy that cheating is violence, It seems so basic, but I am looking at my old relationship totally different. I , blessings to you love 💜
Thank you for sharing. I too am with you on the forgiveness thing. They couldn't a rat's a$$ about me if they could do me so bad. Left dem in the dust, yes. Edit: please could we chat about this again, like how to forgive yourself, the process of moving on etc?
Toni - do you have advice for those who’ve been serial cheated on before meeting someone who is actually committed to you and the relationship? I’m asking because I experienced all of the things you’re saying and have become hyper vigilant out of the emotional trauma of being cheated on.
This is a great video topic! but in a nutshell you have to come to terms with the fact that going forward we will navigate the world differently and be ok with that. But once you are on your healing journey you'll feel the difference go from anxiety/fear to caution. I'll screen shot your comment so I remember to talk on it more but I hope that makes sense
I started reading my bible after surviving a domestic violent relationship and found out that it is not true that you always have to turn the other cheek. If you google "what God said about narcissism" or about abuser, you will see lot of different Bible verses that God don't like abusers, and even give tips against narcissists. (I think abusers just want us to think about giving the other cheek). I hope whoever read this will look and RUN, God has a GOOD PLAN FOR YOU 🙏🏾
In 2017- mid 2018 I had horrible humans do horrible things to me. Legit they tried to break and destroy my life. I saw a Christian therapist during this time and she said just that forgive yourself for letting them get close enough to hurt you and that’s what I do. Forgive me and move forward with the lessons learned.
THIS IS ONE OF THE BEST VIDEOS I HAVE SEEN FROM ANYONE. THANK YOU ESPECIALLY ABOUT THE FORGIVENESS PART! THAT HIT HOME FOR ME! MAN, THE WHOLE VIDEO MADE ME SIGH A BIG RELIEF. YOU DARE NOT SPEAK OUT LOUD YOU DON'T FORGIVE OTHERS FOR FEAR OF A VERBAL BEAT DOWN! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! BLESSINGS TO YOU MY SISTA!!!🙏❤️🙏😊
Every woman i have known who has left a cheater has flourished. Cheaters are energy vampires, the longer you stay and put up with their bullshit you start to look like what they're putting you through. I learnt from my mother to never stay with a cheater, it's not worth it.
Your mother taught you a very valuable lesson. Some women stay and their children see everything Your mother sounds like a very strong woman who was thinking about her children the whole time. X
I reallyyyy needed this. I just recently found out my husband was an addict AND a serial cheater, assaulted me physically and to top it off he has NO remorse. We have 3 children together and I have filed for divorce but it’s been so much exposed about him and it’s a lot to take in and my mind has been racing. Coming to terms with being with someone you don’t really know like you thought is heartbreaking 💔.. I hope I heal soon
I will you wisdom, strength and comfort as you thrive towards your new life 👑 This too will pass🙏🏾✊🏾
I admire your strength through this difficult time and please keep moving forward.👍
All will be well. Continue to be strong. Pray, read the Bible and listen to gospel music. This is helping me….blessings.
It’s very heartbreaking 💔… you’d thinking the world is caving In you can’t breath. But believe me God is definitely carrying you. You’re not walking you’re being carried. It gets better
Sorry that happened to you, sis! Stay strong and I hope in the future you'll find a man that values you.❤
I believe that you have hit the nail on the head, "Forgive yourself." This is the most important takeaway for me. Thank you, Toni. ❤
Yep. People don't talk about that enough. But it's vital for moving forward.
Yesss!
Its so good seeing you healed and happy after your divorce.😊
Choosing yourself and overall wellness will NEVER go out of style.
Happy and fulfilled Divorcee😊
Divorce is so common place today why would someone try to make another person feel shame or guilt? My promise to myself when I divorced was to not become an angry, bitter person. I have friends that still tell me when they see my ex. I have to remind them I don’t care about their life. To me my ex is like a stranger, I don’t wish them harm or good. With strangers you feel nothing.
I needed to see this. Thank you so much. My husband is a serial cheater - in the last year, I have learned of 3 women he’s had extramarital affairs with. I have been struggling with the deepest grief I have ever known, but this has given me some hope to imagine a beautiful future for myself. Thank you, Toni 🙏🏾
Were all a compilation of our experiences......Truth
How are you doing 9 months on?
“Leave them niggas is the dust” I know that’s right !!!😂😂😂❤️
Divorce saves lives! In particular black women! We are often carrying the load of the family-financially, emotionally and spiritually. There is often no return on investment. Yes, life is BETTER on the other side of divorce . Peace of mind is priceless. My only regret is why I didn’t do it sooner. ❤
Same here
Yes some may call it, “intuition“ but I literally believe it is a manifestation of the Holy Spirit who helps us out in this world and is trying to let us know pay attention to this something is happening! Thank you for being so open and honest about your journey and just continue to thrive Diva💜
Fair enough but where was this holy spirit at to alert one to not be with said guy?
I already know my answer to this but I'm curious about yours..
I found it to be way more important to forgive myself than my ex husband. Why should I concern myself with forgiving someone who intentionally chose to hurt me. Walking away and regaining my peace and sense of self was my confirmation of forgiveness. I used to pray so hard and long for God to change him. When I finally realized that wasn’t going to work, God finally said stop praying for him. You are blocking your own blessings. I changed my prayers from that day forth and my life has changed tremendously. Instead I asked for foresight, clarity, strength and wisdom. I was flooded with premonitions about his secret behavior that all came to light. Evidence fell in my lap without me looking for it.
It’s hard for me
Your words about forgiveness are… OMG… SPOT ON!!
I have been in therapy for a year and a half and not ONCE have we discussed forgiving HIM and I’ve spend countless sessions learning to forgive myself and rebuilding my sense of self worth and self esteem because… whew.
I started watching you during "that" time. And I'm so proud of you. You handled everything like such a lady and with such class and just you are just...wow ❤
My intuition has neverrr been wrong. As I have gotten older, no matter how crazy my inner voice may seem? I trust it with everythingggg. My biggest mistakes and downfalls have occured when I didnt listen to my intuition.
I'm in the beginning stages of liberating myself from a husband who has cheated and has been diagnosed as a narcissist. Everything you said I've thought to myself, I'm learning, and I can relate to 100%, even the strong intuition from childhood to now. I can't wait to regain what I've lost over the many years of being in this abusive relationship. I can't wait to be me again. Thank you so much for sharing this with all of us💐. I needed to hear this to help me realize I am making the right choice.
Kay, Im sorry that you were dealing with an evil narcissist. They are horrible.
Please read the book The path forward surviving a narcissist.
Wishing you all the best. Glad you learned the truth about him.
Sending love babe! Please forgive yourself. ❤❤❤
@Ang.143 Thank you! I never thought about forgiving myself until she said it in the video. That struck me so deep.The one thing that has really brought me down the most is the cycle of me questioning, "What the heck was I thinking!?", going down the long road of regrets of having children with this man, our children growing up with a mentally unstable father, the overall strain it's put on me to be the best mother I could be while also trying to be what they are missing from their father, and the regret of allowing myself to be mistreated this way for so long, 23 years! 23 years! Thinking I could save him. That I could be help him find salvation. Finally, I realize you can't save someone who is comfortable being lost. So, forgiving myself is what I'm going to now focus on💕.
@@kaykepop4084 hugsssss! Absolutely! Now a new journey begins and it’s something to be excited about. Keep moving forward and life will be better ❤️❤️
So well said. I go to bed in peace and wake up in peace. I will let nothing or no one disturb it. I ask myself this question every time I sense my peace is in jeopardy. " Do you want to be right or do you want peace". This question keeps me on track and allows me to walk away from any disturbance in peace! Loved your video Queen!
I left a serial cheater last year and ALL of this resonates with me. My health detoriated soooo much and I'm bouncing back now. I just feel sooooo much better. Once I forgave myself, I also stopped caring what everyone thought about my situation.
My ex was a serial cheater. I blamed myself but after a while I realized he’s just sick and I left him. I’m currently in a wonderful relationship and he got married recently.. and guess what.. he’s STILL cheating.. on his new wife.
What I learned from my engagement to a serial cheater is as you said he was really an insecure short man.He tried to come off as confident and like he had it all together but he really didn't believe it about himself.I also didn't forgive.I am actually grateful that had he not did what he did after my period of mourning our relationship, I was able to flourish more in my business while he stayed stagnant. I was able to love me more and my discernment is better.I met a very good man who treats me like a queen and is successful himself in business and wants me to win at any cost. It is definitely not you! They have the fatal flaws.Be glad they leave or you left. Let them be someone else's problem😂😅
I first would like to say TFS, now, some people think because we click on this type of video is because we are being nosey, but for me at this stage in my life I see so much value in listening to others experiences after recovery. I really believe we can be therapists for one another in some cases. Again thanks for sharing!!! 💜
I love the forgive yourself part,
Always go with and listen to your gut instinct. Its never wrong. People call it intuition but I call it the voice of God telling you that something is wrong. 🤔😔💯
Yesss accepting an "L" is the hardest part of healing!!! ❤
Forgiveness is a very personal choice. I think forgiveness is often times associated with the assumption that they are allowed back in your life. I believe you can forgive someone without having a relationship communicating, or sharing space with them. One thing I think is extremely important whether one decides to forgive or not, is that grudges, hatred, bitterness, and anger have adverse effects on mental, physical, and emotional health. Not to mention that the people who have wronged us often times get off on us displaying those emotions, because it tells them that they still exert power over us to a certain degree. I'm not saying that these emotions and feelings are not valid, especially in the beginning and when things are still being done to us. However, remaining in that emotional state only causes us harm over time. The best revenge is for them to see us flourishing when they thought they could break us, which is exactly what you're doing, Toni. And I see how that individual is absolutely beside himself because you have moved on and your life is beautiful, and you have an amazing support system. That is what healing is all about. Thank you for sharing your story with us. We will always root for you.
“Promise yourself to be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.”
Happy Saturday beautiful Toni,
I enjoyed this vlog and listening to your truth.
Yes, please learn to forgive yourself.
“Intuition is the whisper of the soul.”
Our intuition if we learn to trust it often saves us from a lot of disappointments and disasters.
Peace of mind is EVERYTHING!
Have a wonderful day 🙏🏽✌🏽💕
❤❤
This is Absolutely facts!!🥰
Love that you were able to move on from that situation. I know the beginning was hard, but the growth and knowledge is so worth it!!
Forgiveness is for yourself! I learned this a long time ago. Once I forgave myself, they were no longer a factor. Healing has always been about forgiveness for me. I hate those flashbacks of what I should have done or said. I've spent real-time grieving relationships, and therapy taught me how healthy it is, feel, deal, heal.
F'boy free is priceless
I found you by watching the video when you talked about your husband cheating. Just want you to know I was going through the same crap with my partner of 15 years. I left and went back as similar to you didn't want to waste those years. Nothing changed tho. Finally got out Sept 19th after my intuation told me he was up to no good and when he said he was going to work early I dropped my daughters iwatch in his car and tracked him. My intuition was proved right. I moved out and am watching your videos again to show that we can heal and move on and thrive after an awful relationship. Thank you for doing what you do toni, you've helped me out alot x
Thank you
After leaving a narc bf, I flourished. I mean FLOURISHEDDD that ninja was holding me back in so many ways! Forgiveness is a process and depending on the situation; it could take minutes, hours, days, months, years or just simply won’t happen if the conflict that happened is unforgivable. That’s why you don’t go around blatantly disrespecting others‼I feel bad for those who were forced to forgive another person before they were even ready emotionally & mentally and just to " keep the peace "; they were robbed of a skill that needs time to develop. Forgiveness can also happen in chunks but forcing myself to forgive a person WILL NOT happen in a million years!!!
One of the most awakening lines I've heard was ,Stop looking for yourself in another person, There cut from a different cloth...Loyalty may be at the top of my list ,but at the bottom of theres....
I’m enlightened. I was putting a lot of energy into forgiving the cheating abuser (Narc ex-husband), but I need to put the vivacity into forgiving myself, thank you. Your wisdom is needed.👍☮️
❤❤❤❤
My divorce was the most heart wrenching AND beautiful thing that I ever experienced! I love the woman that I am now and I keep the promises that I made to myself. My boundaries are nonnegotiable and the way that I communicate is completely different. I used to want an apology but at this point it’s no longer needed. The healing journey is not easy or fast but oh so necessary. I love the woman that I am now. BTW I was married for 18 yrs and have been divorced for 5. May everyone that is going through the journey eventually find and protect their new peace. ❤
I absolutely love this! And to see how much you have evolved and gained since the end of your “clownery” 🤡season is so amazing 🤩
Thank you so much for talking about forgiveness. Compulsory forgiveness is a scam. That includes the "forgiving them is for you" bollocks. Nobody *has* to forgive anyone.
So proud of your growth Sis!!!🙏🏾🙏🏾🩷🩷💐💐
Toni, love the peace of mind...it is everything!!!!! You must feel the weight of that world lifted off your shoulders. He would never hear from me again!
That's the plan! Lol
Love this video! After leaving my narc ex husband, I began to feel like I was living life! He controlled me for 16 years ( couldn’t go out with friends, monitored my phone, forced me to look towards the ground when in public in efforts of not making eye contact with other men) it was CRAZY! But now I’m free! I want to share my story to help other women, but I’m a little bit nervous with over sharing.
If you’re in a similar situation and you’re reading this, let this be sign to LEAVE.
I remember I was standing outside and I was all dressed up nice and this guy tried to talk to me and told me I looked nice. When he looked at me he asked me did I just walked up am I going through something. It's crazy how when ur being cheated on it shows up on ur face
Peace balance and wellness to you Toni, sis I’m so with you on this “forgiveness sh*t”. My question is, “who really benefit from forgiveness”? I don’t have to forgive if i feel like this person isn’t worthy of my forgiveness, and my live still goes on, that person just doesn’t exist in my world..
Word.
As long as you dont hold any grudges or ressentiment etc... So you can forgive on multiple levels... But most important you forgive yourself for not respecting yourself...❤ If this makes any sense... Harbouring bad feelings can manifest in bad diseases in the body. (My respons was before watching the vid..😊)
When someone has done you wrong, and the person hasn’t even ask for your forgiveness, why should I give that individual my forgiveness, who will it benefit? It damn sure isn’t benefiting me and my life goes on. It irks me to hear people say, “forgiving is for you to move on”. Me not forgiving someone who has wronged me won’t stop me from living a healthy life..
@@michelleclarke1421 ❤️
No existing in your world or past. Bc he wasn’t who I thought I married I deny my marriage I don’t know him if you ask. I forgave for myself and once God saw I walked away and the peace that came over me is amazing.
It’s so true when you said no one talk about forgiving yourself. I struggle so hard with that.
Thanks for sharing such wisdom with us Toni! I have never heard this perspective on forgiving. It really makes a lot of sense. I have to agree that focusing on forgiving the cheater delayed my healing. I eventually healed and moved on. Then God dealt with him. ❤
I wish I could hug you right now. This is pure love to share your heart and wisdom with us. Everything you have said just resonates!! The shower though....yes ma'am! "Your peace of mind is priceless".... "Forgive yourself" ..."Heartbreak can disrupt your mental health as well as your physical health" just thank you for saying this out loud❤
People will treat you the way you allow them to treat you. And as far as forgiving that person, being a martyr and falling on the sword, EFF all that nonsense. That's all of that patriarchal, misogynist mess wrapped up in religion, that is detrimental to women and has cost us so much. Just MY OPINION. I'm so happy you survived that fool and his nonsense and came out on the other side successfully!!!
Hi Toni..you are younger than me AND I always learn amazing things from you. Showering ourselves with forgiveness is an absolute necessity. Truth be told…sometimes our forgiveness of others is trampled upon by the very people we forgive; which is another hit to our self esteem. Continue on in your journey to an amazing life! ✨
I love this! I remember the pain and hurt you shared here in this space during that time of your life. Your transparency allowed many of us to heal alongside of you! ❤ I've learned in my own journey: forgiveness and reconciliation ARE NOT SYNONYMOUS! So many believe that forgiveness means getting back with the person. It does NOT! I will never reconcile/reconnect to something unhealthy. I have forgiven because I've been one who was in need of it and the same grace extended to me I now get to give to others. Again, it does not mean I have to allow them back into my life.
Thank you Toni for touching on the forgiveness part..so many ADULTS have done me wrong as a kid and it's unforgivable but I've been pressured to give it over to the lord and forgive..I thought I was the only person to think that it was ok to NOT forgive and it does ME no good. Thank you for that!
You are a beautiful person inside and out and im so proud of you❤
I never forgave him throughout the marriage because I hated myself for staying. It was once when I mentioned I wanted a divorce was when I knew I finally forgave myself. The healing begins when you put your foot down and leave them in the dust.
Bingo!✨💕👏🏼💕
I agree 1000% with the forgiveness part. It always bothered me that people who are harmed bear the burden of the harness that was done to them. That is not controversial
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Dealing with trauma of any kind, including cheating or whatever, it's not monolithic. There's one one sized fit all solution to healing. I've learned that I don't have to forgive anyone for their transgressions in order to heal. I'm okay with never forgiving anyone, and I can move on from it. But I will agree, forgiving yourself and trusting yourself is very important and crucial for your mental health. Idk why divorce is so frowned upon, especially when it is necessary.
The insights you shared based on your experiences were needed thank you.
This really helped me thank you!!!❤
I love your strength. I’ve been watching since your condo days and you have never looked happier. I love all the women who celebrate the freedom of divorce.
Forgiveness is a powerful drug that's often taken in small doses. For the most egregious offenses, forgiveness takes time. I've always felt that if I held on to the pain and betrayal, my betrayer still somehow had "power". My exhusband treated me like trash. It took a few years to fully forgive him, but it allowed me to completely disconnect from him emotionally. I'm better, stronger, and wiser ❤🙏🏾
I totally agree with you about forgiveness. It serves abusers and oppressors to have everyone be so quick to forgive. It has been weaponized to keep us accepting less than we deserve.
It’s not selfish to put yourself first ❤
I loved this Toni. It spoke to me. T'was to the point, just beautiful, just real
So true, almost lost myself married to a serial cheater, started to think it was all my fault. Took awhile to forgive myself. now I'm flourishing
So happy for you!
I have absolutely learned and grown from you sharing your journey, without shame, and being painfully honest about it as you have, thank you 🎉
Right!! Forgiving myself was my biggest obstacle!
Only halfway in so far. Its very encouraging how your energy is as you talk about it. Helos me feel stronger. That its okay to drop pouring mental and emotional energy into the past hurts. And I can see the protection field you have around you about it. Like nobody can take your energy and depleat it or control you. You're living your best life and moving forward and choosing happines and new stories. I love it!! Thank you!
If a man cheats on you once, he will do it again and again. That is because he is disconnected from you for what ever reason.
"Once a cheater, always a cheater" although very generalized and cliche, is a pretty good rule to live by. Do some people change; yes, but highly unlikely in most scenarios. Stick with your intuition. Your nervous system is connected to your brain for a reason (intuition). If you become psychosomatic and feel addicted. WALK TF AWAY!
Thank you for sharing that you are not ashamed of your divorce and embracing that as part of your life story. That is where I am, struggling with accepting that will be part of my life story. I did not sign up for this, I was all in and committed. I took my vows seriously and with every intent to be married until “death do us part.” 30 years of being married to a serial cheater. Realizing that the work I’ve put in to saving the marriage has been and is always greater than his effort. His efforts are for him, not me or us. I am so tired and have lost myself. Seeing your growth and reading the comments from others who have come out the other side is inspirational. Thanks.
Talk your ish Toni!!! You hit the nail on the head bby girl!! Thank you for being you!!
Toni you speaking real talk 💯💯
I love what you said about forgiveness. It is so true I never thought about forgiving myself. Thank you.
Forgiveness is earned based on the person doing the following:
Responsibility: Accept what has happened and show yourself compassion.
Remorse: Use guilt and remorse as a gateway to positive behaviour change.
Restoration: Make amends with whomever you're forgiving, even if it's yourself.
Renewal: Learn from the experience and grow as a person and not doing the actions again.
Wow lady! That was deep in a subtle glorious kind of way. Loved the entire video and your look rocked it at the end. Well done sis!
Thank you for sharing. I never thought about it in that way. Forgiving myself for what happened. I still have those “shower scenes” and rethink arguments etc. But yes, they happened for a reason and I'm better now for it. When people hear about my separation/pending divorce they say “I'm so sorry” my response is, don't be. I'm not. So I'm getting there. But you have shed a light on my healing process. Thank you!
I said the same thing about not being sorry and ppl look at you crazy…. but we know how different our life is going to be just fine.
You don't have to agree. I'm only speaking my truth, not yours.
Yes. Intuition does dwell in men also. We just deny it because we don't want to believe it.
Omg! I NEEDED THIS SO MUCH! The last thing I told him was that I would NEVERRRR forgive him for what he did to me. My family and friends thought I was so wrong. He had destroyed every part of my confidence and self esteem. Today, I revamped myself to EVERYTHING He said I couldn't do. I dare him to step to me with his bs! I'm not the same woman at all! Leaving was the BEST decision of my life! Thank God!
Your videos are helping me heal from my now ex husband's abusive tactics.
I don't wash myself out with my camera settings. I'm sitting in front of a window.
Although I don't agree 100% with EVERYTHING you said here, I'm so happy to see you thriving and happy. Peace of mind is priceless. Good for you from a looooooong time subscriber.
Hey Toni, great video. I never heard forgiveness put in this light. As a Society, we always put forgiveness on the other person to heal. Thanks for sharing. Also, as I’ve watched your videos, I literally seen your skin, your hair improve. I’m glad for your healing. I love the way you think, you’re so wise. ❤❤❤
Glad you pushed through that storm Toni🙏🏾🙏🏾💝
Everything you said spoke to my soul. Facts!!!!!
I’m so proud of you. I remember watching one of your videos where he had left and I thought it was a skit. But when I found out it was true I was so in shock like I never even saw it coming, but you bounced back so well it’s almost like you’re a new person and I love it.❤
Good morning, While I don’t agree with some of what you said, I do appreciate another's POV.
Thank you for continuing to share your story! You are gonna help so many people!
THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!
Hi Toni, I’ve been watching your videos for a long time. It goes back to the days when you would take us along with you to the braiding salon to get your hair done and you would talk with the British accent from time to time. I loved that lol.
Anywho, I don’t comment much at all even tho I enjoy your videos.
I am compelled to comment on this one because it hit home. The learned lessons are so valuable for many of us women. For me, being able to forgive myself is the greatest part of healing. And those playbacks were meant to be the way they happened, is golden. Those playbacks can keep you down for days. I can go on and on but there’s not enough space and no one’s gonna read that script anyway lol.
Thank you for sharing because it really can help someone else. Love the beat! Continued blessings to you!
I loved this video! Everything you said is so real and true!! Wishing you continued blessings 🎉
Good morning 😃☀️🌞. Not only did you share some very good information. You transformed with each word into an phenomenal woman. 🎉. It is truly a celebration.
So nice of you
Forgiving myself 'was' difficult, I'm in a better place now. Starting from ground 0 is my challenge now.
🙏🏽❤️🙏🏽
Yess, to all the points! My ex was and still is terrible with money. My intuition was speaking to me from year 2. 8 years together and 2 years married. We coparent our 1 child, his new wife is👌🏾, and I've grown so much since then.
My divorce was a blessing, iykyk ✨️✨️✨️.
I agree with your perspective on forgiveness. Forgiving others always comes last for me.
Thank you for sharing. Totally agree that cheating has nothing to do with you! and yes, grief/hurt does connect us all. This is why I hate when divorced women act like they’re better than others; they love that “at least I got someone to marry me”. line. It’s disgusting that some people take experiences and use them to 1-up other women.
Yes. I have also grown up to understand this. We can’t think we are special because we got royal loving partners. Nobody goes out there and says I want to be with the abuser. Everyone would like to have that peaceful man.
I just learned through therapy that cheating is violence, It seems so basic, but I am looking at my old relationship totally different. I , blessings to you love 💜
So proud of you, Toni. Such an inspiration. 💝Gratitude. 💖
Thank you for sharing. I too am with you on the forgiveness thing. They couldn't a rat's a$$ about me if they could do me so bad. Left dem in the dust, yes.
Edit: please could we chat about this again, like how to forgive yourself, the process of moving on etc?
Users have no shame fr. Glad you moved on smoothly
Looking back, do you think him leaving was the best thing… like do you think that you would have ever mustered up the courage to leave him first?
Toni - do you have advice for those who’ve been serial cheated on before meeting someone who is actually committed to you and the relationship? I’m asking because I experienced all of the things you’re saying and have become hyper vigilant out of the emotional trauma of being cheated on.
This is a great video topic! but in a nutshell you have to come to terms with the fact that going forward we will navigate the world differently and be ok with that. But once you are on your healing journey you'll feel the difference go from anxiety/fear to caution. I'll screen shot your comment so I remember to talk on it more but I hope that makes sense
I respect your perspective Toni. I also think you can forgive and leave em where they at! God Bless you 💛
I started reading my bible after surviving a domestic violent relationship and found out that it is not true that you always have to turn the other cheek. If you google "what God said about narcissism" or about abuser, you will see lot of different Bible verses that God don't like abusers, and even give tips against narcissists. (I think abusers just want us to think about giving the other cheek). I hope whoever read this will look and RUN, God has a GOOD PLAN FOR YOU 🙏🏾
In 2017- mid 2018 I had horrible humans do horrible things to me. Legit they tried to break and destroy my life. I saw a Christian therapist during this time and she said just that forgive yourself for letting them get close enough to hurt you and that’s what I do. Forgive me and move forward with the lessons learned.
Toni, this particular message is priceless and right on point. Thank you for sharing your truth. I get it 😊.
You made a fascinating point about forgiveness. I never thought about it that way. 🤔
THIS IS ONE OF THE BEST VIDEOS I HAVE SEEN FROM ANYONE. THANK YOU ESPECIALLY ABOUT THE FORGIVENESS PART! THAT HIT HOME FOR ME! MAN, THE WHOLE VIDEO MADE ME SIGH A BIG RELIEF. YOU DARE NOT SPEAK OUT LOUD YOU DON'T FORGIVE OTHERS FOR FEAR OF A VERBAL BEAT DOWN! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! BLESSINGS TO YOU MY SISTA!!!🙏❤️🙏😊
Thank you for sharing and for choosing yourself . Wishing you love and blessings 😍
I agree with you that forgiveness bit. I always say I don't go backwards.
Thank you so much for this Video, very informative and I have followed you for a long while, you are an inspiration!!