Going on 6 months and these up and downs are horrible. I'm good one day and the next its like wtf happened. Even though she's in a relationship and im dating. I can't help it.
Coach Ryan, you have helped me so much during the year and a half that I was on and off with an avoidant. I kept pouring more and more energy focus and care into him yet no matter what I gave him he would only appreciate it for a week or two, then go off the grid on me I would start to feel taken advantage of and unappreciated and break it off. Then get lonely and get back in touch. It was a very destructive pattern. There were some ways we were in alignment however, the lack of sensitivity, communication and consistency from him proved to be way more damaging. Even going no contact with him for a year didn’t change him because I gave him another chance after that and the same dynamics played out only more painfully.
Maybe because you've got the same tendencies and never learned to appropriately apply boundaries!? Wich is *essential* to not just get steamrolled by love!
Coach Ryan, thank you so much for your videos. It's been helping me get through after things ended with my first time experiencing the roller coaster of a dismissive avoidant partner. It's painful. We had talks, set boundaries, but their actions said differently. Kept me at a distant and growing cold or annoyed until I was pushed to break things off. It's what they wanted but we both knew they have to heal and deal with their issues.
This 68-year-old widower needed to hear that. Been through two relationships with avoidant personalities and your advice is both timely and extremely helpful in my life right now.
I unfriended him immediately on FB. I haven't spoken or texted him in almost 3 months. It's heartbreaking but it's far worse to keep calling him and texting him so he can disrespect me.
It's more heartbreaking to continually disrespect ourselves. I did the same as you, and it's been a year of no contact on my part. Best choice for my mental, emotional, and physical health ❤
@godspurple4805 Yes to say something like "hope you're all well" but no accountability or response to the repeated on/off silent treatment, so I ignored it.
I went no contact after I broke up with my FA for about 4 weeks last year and he came to my house unexpectedly to say he missed me and loved me. I immediately took him back. Another year of roller coaster and once again I broke it off. Now 35 days into no contact I’m worried he’ll reach out again. Please do a video about the best way to take them back or the questions we need to ask ourselves to not take someone back.
@@kateaghaghiri2968did you discussed matters after you got laid and set boundaries k? or did you just ignored what happened and gave him another chance?
Here’s a question I’ve yet to find a good answer to: What if the avoidant ex, after months of no contact, reaches out? “I’ve been thinking about you and wondering how you’re doing” or “I miss you” - or even something seemingly innocuous like “Hey I saw your favorite food is on sale at the store” Do I: A) Just ignore it? Leave them on read? B) Say something polite but distant/rejecting like “Thanks!” C) Genuinely engage with the conversation? D) Something else? I get the sense from my ex that she’d really like to be friends and enjoy the benefits of knowing me (fixing her car, talking politics, etc). I know this is a standard thing, and the general rule is she either gets all of me or none of me. But that said, I can’t help but wonder if these small gestures are attempts at beginning to trust me again - that I won’t reject her. And when I hold no contact, or don’t prioritize her, does it reinforce her self talk that she’s not good enough? It’s a tortured, strange place to be. I don’t want her to feel abandoned by me, even though she abandoned me. I know it’s what all the relationship coaches say I need to do, but it’s hard for me to see how abandoning her solves anything. She may be avoidant, but she’s not evil and isn’t intentionally trying to hurt me. She’s just terrified of everything.
@ Thanks :) That’s largely what I’ve gone with, and it’s been over a year since the breakup. But she’ll still try and make small-talk every now and then about her dog or whatever. It just feels so MEAN to ignore her.
@truthsmiles because you're normal, compassionate and consider her feelings. The truth is, she wants to keep in touch, breadcrumb and use you when it's convenient, even if it's just a bit of attention and keeping you stuck. That's emotional manipulation. If you won't stop giving, she definitely won't stop taking.
@@heyedyta Haha I wouldn’t say “normal”, but I appreciate the compliment :) In any case, I’ll take your advice and continue to limit communication. We have a business relationship so it’s required sometimes, but fortunately not often.
Is it realistic to expect an apology from a severe avoidant after years? Especially because there were breadcrumbs after the discard, which as you say, only boosted his ego and made me look like I would always be available to him. I surprised us both and ignored his calls and texts. Nothing since then. My stance is now : I will only respond to messages showing remorse, understanding of how he hurt me, and where intentions are clear. No access to me if for casual chat which ends up boosting his ego and depletes me. I can't stand the idea of a friendly chat as if I didn't go through hell.
Yup! Me too! Wants to be friends so he doesn’t have to apologize or admit he broke my heart. That’s disrespectful in my opinion and I finally called contact quits after 2 years. I’m finally healing.
I doubt he will apologize. It’s too hard for them. My ex said he would never reach out to anyone cause he’s not gonna open himself up to being hurt. Doesn’t matter that they hurt you. They really can only deal with their feelings regarding themselves. It’s overwhelming to deal with anyone else’s life and emotions. I feel compassion for them. He will lead a lonely life now. And he WAS lonely he admitted when we first started dating. But he’s in his fear now.
Something that i've realised for myself is the _distinct_ feeling i get when she reaches out (in any way) - i feel used and not taken seriously. I told her that i need to talk it through with her and that it's gonna be uncomfortable for me too. I can feel the presence if this standing in between us every time we meet and notice her trying to weasel her way around it! But without her showing remorse, acknowledging her wrongdoing and taking full responsibility for her part ANY attempt of her contacting me is nothing but an *insult!* She has to show me that she understands how her behavior affected me. And i can't take her seriously anymore, not even as a friend, until i see that she has made profound progress and has changed. Otherwise i'm just thankful for the lessons learned and don't have an issue waving a princess like her goodbye.
@@LaurensLifePhotoJournal Sorry you went through that as well. In my case, there was a modicum of acknowledgment of what he did in his messages - but too light "even if I was not always that nice or it didn't work out" and also unclear intentions. i felt like I would get used for another round if I engaged. So for the first time I ignored him, first rejection ever from me, and he couldn't get over it since he disappeared instead of trying again. Which tells me he does not have the emotional skills to understand me nor to be in a relationship. I have empathy for his issues and trauma but his capacity for love is very limited.
@@geemail369 Them reaching out is not an insult, they aren't that aware of what they are doing to us, because of lack of empathy, but it is very selfish. They get something from the interaction, an ego boost, relief that we responded so access isn't lost... and we just loose from that interaction. Therefore the door needs to be closed. For a relationship to rekindle, the dumper needs to come back with remorse, deep understanding of their wrongdoing and how it impacted the partner, and a desire to do different. Anything less is just not worth it because it is too weak to work out. By closing that door and not responding we enable them to experience the loss and only maybe have any incentive to grow. At the same time, I don't see avoidants coming back with that right energy, leading with that apology, it is most likely going to be casual or even "love bomby" like for me, but that's just not safe.
It's been 12 months and she still hasn't reached out. I am not texted her or called her or looked at her social media once. I don't think avoidance reach out because for them the worst thing that can possibly happen in their mind is for them to feel vulnerable. So for them to reach out they would have to make themselves vulnerable. I honestly doubt that she ever even loved me.
If she reaches out and you give her attention, she will respect you less and hence love you even less. The best thing to do so that she has interest in you, is to reject her until the end of time on this planet. That is the sad truth
@@shakespear90 well I would respond if she reached out but my point is that I doubt at this point with so much time having passed that she would reach out. So I can't ignore her if she is not reaching out. I have not made any efforts whatsoever so that strategy doesn't seem to affect her. Which is why I come to the conclusion that she doesn't care now and maybe never did
@@davorjuric1609 Right! Love is one of misunderstood feelings because it feels differently at different stages - exciting or calm.. so good partner is the most important part. Love is just a huge plus.
Coach Ryan do you have a video of how to deal with the avoidant if you also have a child with them. Its been extremely difficult dealing with her with my child also in her care.
It’s interesting how you recommend responding if the avoidant reaches out during no contact. Wouldn’t that keep enabling them and allow the cycle to continue?
@ avoidants often see things differently in the aftermath of a breakup. with the problem gone, they resurrect the positive feelings, and may think it could work with you after all. but shame and hesitation prevent them from trying. so they ponder from afar. if she’s still not brave enough to talk you, you should block her.
@@davidgoldman1452 It means s/he is attempting to communicate a need of his/hers in an immature superficial way, not taking responsibility, trying to entice *you* to do the reaching out in order to get his/her fix! 💉💦
![ILLSLICK - KILLSHOT REMIX [FULL VERSION]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/RIK8RrqIAzE/mqdefault.jpg)
Going on 6 months and these up and downs are horrible. I'm good one day and the next its like wtf happened. Even though she's in a relationship and im dating. I can't help it.
Coach Ryan, you have helped me so much during the year and a half that I was on and off with an avoidant. I kept pouring more and more energy focus and care into him yet no matter what I gave him he would only appreciate it for a week or two, then go off the grid on me
I would start to feel taken advantage of and unappreciated and break it off. Then get lonely and get back in touch. It was a very destructive pattern. There were some ways we were in alignment however, the lack of sensitivity, communication and consistency from him proved to be way more damaging. Even going no contact with him for a year didn’t change him because I gave him another chance after that and the same dynamics played out only more painfully.
Try considering him your "cocaine" then - helps putting things into perspective. 🌱
Why would anyone place their worth in someone who doesn't know their own because the DAs are not emotionally available they are extremely insecure ❤
Maybe because you've got the same tendencies and never learned to appropriately apply boundaries!? Wich is *essential* to not just get steamrolled by love!
Coach Ryan, thank you so much for your videos. It's been helping me get through after things ended with my first time experiencing the roller coaster of a dismissive avoidant partner. It's painful. We had talks, set boundaries, but their actions said differently. Kept me at a distant and growing cold or annoyed until I was pushed to break things off. It's what they wanted but we both knew they have to heal and deal with their issues.
This 68-year-old widower needed to hear that. Been through two relationships with avoidant personalities and your advice is both timely and extremely helpful in my life right now.
Abuse is abuse and you have to heal and that can take time ❤
I unfriended him immediately on FB. I haven't spoken or texted him in almost 3 months. It's heartbreaking but it's far worse to keep calling him and texting him so he can disrespect me.
It's more heartbreaking to continually disrespect ourselves. I did the same as you, and it's been a year of no contact on my part. Best choice for my mental, emotional, and physical health ❤
@@helenpauline7did they ever reach out to you in that year?
@godspurple4805 Yes to say something like "hope you're all well" but no accountability or response to the repeated on/off silent treatment, so I ignored it.
your 100% right. except deep down i wish it'd work out.
Hope is an anchor, for better or worse.
Thanks for the section regarding having children together. Most videos are just on the relationship and not how to handle a dismissive parent ❤
I went no contact after I broke up with my FA for about 4 weeks last year and he came to my house unexpectedly to say he missed me and loved me. I immediately took him back. Another year of roller coaster and once again I broke it off. Now 35 days into no contact I’m worried he’ll reach out again. Please do a video about the best way to take them back or the questions we need to ask ourselves to not take someone back.
You're lucky. I haven't heard from mine in almost 3 months
@ you’re lucky. Going back only led to another breakup a year later. They just come in and out when they need reassurance
@@kateaghaghiri2968did you discussed matters after you got laid and set boundaries k? or did you just ignored what happened and gave him another chance?
Not being able to go no contact e.g. due to work has the potential of making you incredibly resilient.
Here’s a question I’ve yet to find a good answer to: What if the avoidant ex, after months of no contact, reaches out? “I’ve been thinking about you and wondering how you’re doing” or “I miss you” - or even something seemingly innocuous like “Hey I saw your favorite food is on sale at the store”
Do I:
A) Just ignore it? Leave them on read?
B) Say something polite but distant/rejecting like “Thanks!”
C) Genuinely engage with the conversation?
D) Something else?
I get the sense from my ex that she’d really like to be friends and enjoy the benefits of knowing me (fixing her car, talking politics, etc). I know this is a standard thing, and the general rule is she either gets all of me or none of me.
But that said, I can’t help but wonder if these small gestures are attempts at beginning to trust me again - that I won’t reject her. And when I hold no contact, or don’t prioritize her, does it reinforce her self talk that she’s not good enough?
It’s a tortured, strange place to be. I don’t want her to feel abandoned by me, even though she abandoned me. I know it’s what all the relationship coaches say I need to do, but it’s hard for me to see how abandoning her solves anything. She may be avoidant, but she’s not evil and isn’t intentionally trying to hurt me. She’s just terrified of everything.
If you don't want the cycle to repeat over and over again, I suggest A.
@ Thanks :) That’s largely what I’ve gone with, and it’s been over a year since the breakup. But she’ll still try and make small-talk every now and then about her dog or whatever. It just feels so MEAN to ignore her.
@truthsmiles because you're normal, compassionate and consider her feelings. The truth is, she wants to keep in touch, breadcrumb and use you when it's convenient, even if it's just a bit of attention and keeping you stuck. That's emotional manipulation. If you won't stop giving, she definitely won't stop taking.
@@heyedyta Haha I wouldn’t say “normal”, but I appreciate the compliment :)
In any case, I’ll take your advice and continue to limit communication. We have a business relationship so it’s required sometimes, but fortunately not often.
I agree. What to do, what to do
Is it realistic to expect an apology from a severe avoidant after years? Especially because there were breadcrumbs after the discard, which as you say, only boosted his ego and made me look like I would always be available to him. I surprised us both and ignored his calls and texts. Nothing since then. My stance is now : I will only respond to messages showing remorse, understanding of how he hurt me, and where intentions are clear. No access to me if for casual chat which ends up boosting his ego and depletes me. I can't stand the idea of a friendly chat as if I didn't go through hell.
Yup! Me too! Wants to be friends so he doesn’t have to apologize or admit he broke my heart. That’s disrespectful in my opinion and I finally called contact quits after 2 years. I’m finally healing.
I doubt he will apologize. It’s too hard for them. My ex said he would never reach out to anyone cause he’s not gonna open himself up to being hurt. Doesn’t matter that they hurt you. They really can only deal with their feelings regarding themselves. It’s overwhelming to deal with anyone else’s life and emotions. I feel compassion for them. He will lead a lonely life now. And he WAS lonely he admitted when we first started dating. But he’s in his fear now.
Something that i've realised for myself is the _distinct_ feeling i get when she reaches out (in any way) - i feel used and not taken seriously.
I told her that i need to talk it through with her and that it's gonna be uncomfortable for me too. I can feel the presence if this standing in between us every time we meet and notice her trying to weasel her way around it!
But without her showing remorse, acknowledging her wrongdoing and taking full responsibility for her part ANY attempt of her contacting me is nothing but an *insult!*
She has to show me that she understands how her behavior affected me.
And i can't take her seriously anymore, not even as a friend, until i see that she has made profound progress and has changed.
Otherwise i'm just thankful for the lessons learned and don't have an issue waving a princess like her goodbye.
@@LaurensLifePhotoJournal Sorry you went through that as well. In my case, there was a modicum of acknowledgment of what he did in his messages - but too light "even if I was not always that nice or it didn't work out" and also unclear intentions. i felt like I would get used for another round if I engaged. So for the first time I ignored him, first rejection ever from me, and he couldn't get over it since he disappeared instead of trying again. Which tells me he does not have the emotional skills to understand me nor to be in a relationship. I have empathy for his issues and trauma but his capacity for love is very limited.
@@geemail369 Them reaching out is not an insult, they aren't that aware of what they are doing to us, because of lack of empathy, but it is very selfish. They get something from the interaction, an ego boost, relief that we responded so access isn't lost... and we just loose from that interaction. Therefore the door needs to be closed. For a relationship to rekindle, the dumper needs to come back with remorse, deep understanding of their wrongdoing and how it impacted the partner, and a desire to do different. Anything less is just not worth it because it is too weak to work out.
By closing that door and not responding we enable them to experience the loss and only maybe have any incentive to grow. At the same time, I don't see avoidants coming back with that right energy, leading with that apology, it is most likely going to be casual or even "love bomby" like for me, but that's just not safe.
It's been 12 months and she still hasn't reached out. I am not texted her or called her or looked at her social media once. I don't think avoidance reach out because for them the worst thing that can possibly happen in their mind is for them to feel vulnerable. So for them to reach out they would have to make themselves vulnerable. I honestly doubt that she ever even loved me.
If she reaches out and you give her attention, she will respect you less and hence love you even less.
The best thing to do so that she has interest in you, is to reject her until the end of time on this planet. That is the sad truth
The question is not whether she loved you or not, but whether she was a good partner and someone to share your time or life with
@@shakespear90 well I would respond if she reached out but my point is that I doubt at this point with so much time having passed that she would reach out. So I can't ignore her if she is not reaching out. I have not made any efforts whatsoever so that strategy doesn't seem to affect her. Which is why I come to the conclusion that she doesn't care now and maybe never did
@@davorjuric1609 Right! Love is one of misunderstood feelings because it feels differently at different stages - exciting or calm.. so good partner is the most important part. Love is just a huge plus.
Is no contact blocking them, or not answering their calls. Everyone says no contact, what does that entail?
Coach Ryan do you have a video of how to deal with the avoidant if you also have a child with them. Its been extremely difficult dealing with her with my child also in her care.
It’s interesting how you recommend responding if the avoidant reaches out during no contact. Wouldn’t that keep enabling them and allow the cycle to continue?
❤❤❤🎉
as a DA, I cosign this message. you’re broke up. move on and leave them be.
@ avoidants often see things differently in the aftermath of a breakup. with the problem gone, they resurrect the positive feelings, and may think it could work with you after all. but shame and hesitation prevent them from trying. so they ponder from afar.
if she’s still not brave enough to talk you, you should block her.
@ all the more reason she’s disappointed that she couldn’t make it work.
Not that easy to just move on. It’s a process.
Oh lord. You're on everyone one of these.
@@davidgoldman1452
It means s/he is attempting to communicate a need of his/hers in an immature superficial way, not taking responsibility, trying to entice *you* to do the reaching out in order to get his/her fix! 💉💦
All your hurley shirts in the wash today? Maybe shes not avoidant and she just hates your hurley fan loyalty.
Pathetic much? Your behavior is disgusting.