👏 THAT'S 👏 NOT 👏 ROMANTIC 💔
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 25 ก.ค. 2024
- I answer your valentine's woes in another episode of agony leena!
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WATCH THE WHOLE AGONY LEENA SERIES: • AGONY with Leena
00:00 intro
00:54 romantic v platonic love
02:27 friends with ex?
03:27 ad break
05:21 (WINDY) red & green flags
07:31 avoid gender roles
09:57 political views in love
11:23 self love before 'real' love?
13:20 quick fire round!
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On the topic of green flags, a few years ago I started watching your vids and I said to my partner “I found this great new you tuber and I think you’d really like her. She’s called leena norms” and my partner was like “no way, I have been watching her content for years!”. And now we are engaged and our wedding is booked. Not directly related.. but still.. raining green flags here.
Hahah OMG CONGRATS, that is so funny 😂
"We can't have a 'no fun allowed' sign over everything that is vaguely capitalistic because that is so sad." SO TRUE
Really loved this too!
The ad break was much more meaningful to me following the recent videos about ads you didn’t take. I was thinking, Lena must really value this app!
I was going to leave this exact comment! Love hearing the why behind everything ❤️
same comment I was going to leave! lol!
I’m friends with some of my exes…
but to be fair, the trait they were displaying that I didn’t want in a partner was that they were a man and I’m a lesbian…
This is relatable content!
ok wow, everything I want to say on this video has already been said. I'll see myself out haha
Yeah I think that or clashing life goals (for example concering wether or not to have kids) being in different stages of life or having different needs the other person can't fulfill can end a relationship without one or another partner showing toxic behaviour. Sometimes it just doesn't work out while both parties stay respectful. That way staying friends can work.
some more green flags for you!
- having a good relationship with any siblings of the opposite sex
- having good friends of the opposite sex
- responding to your farts with a score out of 10
HA!! I love this
Class-A truth, this!
The tree wearing a jumper is called yarn-bombing. I used to do a bit of yarn-bombing in my youth.
Omg I never knew there was a name for it! NOW I KNOW
I'm a huge yarn fan and love all things crochet, knitting etc but for some reason the last sentence put me in mind of when Theresa May claimed she was wild as a youth and used to run through fields of wheat 😂
Some of the canal locks (in Leeds) have acquired crocheted onesies and the post boxes have hats. I love taking pictures of them 😊
I am just imagining 'youths' sitting round peacefully crocheting jumpers for trees as a form of protest (like the people who use 'graffiti' as a form of protest). I dunno if this is a thing, but its real for me now 😅
@@elizabethmadagan8824 it is. :D look up "craftivism"
Love the concept of green flags! I'd add -Is polite/kind to customer service personnel.
IMHO, the main difference between a friendship and a relationship is that with a relationship, you make major life decisions *together*, while with friendships you may get advice but ultimately the decisions is only up to you. Decisions like where to live, how many kids you want to have (if you want them), etc. Like my best friend lives in a totally different city than me and we did not check in with each other before making major moves. I think it's possible to be friends with an ex if you found that your major life goals or desires just aren't compatible but you otherwise like each other (for example, you realize you don't want kids but the other person does).
Yes, that's what I was thinking as well. With a partner they are literally 'your partner'. You are a team that works on things together, make decisions together etc. Whereas with a friend, even a really good friend you are more there supporting their life choices. Sometimes giving advice, or even challenging their decisions if appropriate, but at the end of the day they are there making decisions about their life as they see fit (and as they should). Versus the collaborative and intertwined nature of couple decision making. (not that u obvs don't get some individuality and independence etc for small/day to day choices etc )
On the politics thing: my husband and I have virtually nothing in common EXCEPT our values/politics. Personally, it matters more to me. I'd rather have a partner that agrees on how we should raise our kids and platonic friends who like the same books/music/food than the other way around
Amen!
Yes! I grew up with parents who had very different political views and it definitely bled over into their parenting and other unrelated areas causing a lot of unnecessary tension.
one of my very best friends is a guy and we've known each other since the 3rd grade been friends since the 9th we are both 20 now. The number of people who teased us and said we were a couple was awfully annoying really. Having friends of all genders is so normal and valuable id say it is a red flag to only have friends of your gender (especially for men)
Yes I'm totally behind that one!
So true - really agree with this and find it so odd that so many people around me claim that “different
genders can’t just be friends” 🤷🏻♀️ Just makes no sense, especially when you dig deeper into how multi-faceted gender, sexual orientation etc can be…It’s like so who exactly can and can’t I be friends with as a bisexual person? 🙈😅
A giant green flag for me is that my current partner is absolutely clear and comfortable with my best friend being male. I think it helped that my best friend and I had been friends for years so it was settled and not giddy. A new platonic friendship can be kind of exciting and might 'smell' of something to be jealous about.
My best friend of going on nearly 30 years now is male and I am female. It's interesting how many times people say "you two should date" or "why did you two never get together"...we did actually try that in the beginning after having been friends and it wasn't great. We didn't make a thing out of it and we stayed friends instead, and it's absolutely one of the best things in my life. If we'd forced it, we'd have broken up and gone our separate ways by now and what a terrible loss that would be to us both.
I dated a guy once who had a female friend staying with him temporarily and he was scared I'd take it as a red flag. I was like ummm no, your female friend feels safe and comfortable in your flat and her boyfriend trusts you too. That is the biggest and greenest of flags.
On when to break up: I once had a break up, not because I thought someone else could love them better, but because I knew I deserved to be loved better
I agree on the opinion about platonic friend / romantic relationship. I think recent TV shows are romantising friendships as romcoms did with romantic love 20 years ago. So now there is all this pressure to have life long amazing gang who rushes at 3 am to give you tissues while you cry. But for most of us, that’s going to be close family / partner, not friends who have their own lives and worries.
Could not agree more
This comment made me feel more secure
So real. You’ve put it exactly right.
So true
Re: political differences when dating.
This is something I have come up against when trying to date, especially online. When I was on hinge for a brief time, on one of the prompts I said that I would not date tories/conservatives so --- if you were one, don't bother liking my profile. The amount of pushback I received from men for this, for what I *know* is a totally understandable boundary, was maddening. Men insulting my intelligence, accusing me of being close minded, telling me that I lived in a bubble or a cage. Again and again I was asked: couldn't I be willing to look beyond someones politics? That while we may differ on that front, maybe there is someone really worthwhile that I am passing up for something as *inconsequential* as their political opinions?
The thing is though - its not just opinions. I'm so tired of people treating political views as being on the same level as like... your opinion on whether pineapple should be on pizza, or whether a movie is good or not. The former has real world consequences, the latter does not. Your politics shape who you are as a person and how you navigate the world, so how can I possible separate you from the very thing... that makes you You?
I think like you said - you don't have to agree with your partner on *everything* - but I do think that you need to both have politics that are built on similar foundations.
Couldn't agree more!
about the questions at 0:56 - i think, as a queer person, i would answer both a little differently.
firstly, to me, romantic and platonic love exist on a spectrum, they're not really separate. i think the line that is drawn between the two is mostly just a heteronormative monogamous construct. the people i would want to see first at my hospital bed are my best friends, whom i am each a little bit in love with and appreciate in unique ways.
secondly, from personal experience, i think it's completely possible to stay friends with an ex - it totally depends on the situation. one person might need space and time to work through issues related to mental health, or to get to know themselves better outside of a relationship, or maybe they just feel stagnant and need to move on to a different stage of their life alone. these are all perfectly valid reasons to break up, but they don't necessarily have to mean the end of a connection between people who genuinely care about one another and mutually support each other.
Yess, I've had the same thoughts myself! You put them very well. I'm aromantic and people always think that means I don't love, but that's not really it! I do feel love very strongly, and they mean to me and I could do things with my close friends that other might consider romantic, without it having to be that for me because like you said, to me it's just a concept, something that doesn't mean more or less to me than being very close friends.
Same with ex-relationships. I've been in some with a couple of my closer friends and though we didn't necessarily break up for reasons like not liking each other or misusing one's trust, or something like that, we're still as good of friends as before.
+
I agree, I think who you want with you at your lowest and darkest moments can 100% be your friends (and your romantic partner, it's not a mutually exclusive situation). When Leena describes sharing a life with a partner vs informing your friends about your life, I cannot help but feel this is simply a matter of heteronormative, nuclear family conditioning. You can share your life with anyone close to you, friends, family, romantic partners etc and many people do, even if they don't realise it. If two friends live together, they are sharing their lives with one another as the choices they make will inevitably affect the other. I actually think in this scenario, ignoring the fact that you're sharing a life with your friends can have a negative impact on your friendship. For example, my friend and I decided to continue living together after university, then Covid hit and we both finished our degrees back at our respective family homes. The plan was to find somewhere when it was over (this was when we thought it would be done and dusted after a few months) but then I am informed by someone else that they had changed their mind and were going to move to a different city. I gave it a few more weeks to see if they would tell me themselves and when they didn't I confronted them. Their response was that they didn't want to tell me until they had made up their mind. The problem with this line of thinking is that it totally ignores the fact that their life choice will affect my life in a very fundamental way. In deciding to live together we were entangling ourselves. They should have discussed it with me from the get go so I could begin considering my options and have time to adjust rather than having a bomb dropped on me. This was a very hurtful experience and honestly our friendship has not been the same since.
Yes!! Same!!! To all of this, i do think its a queer community being different
I'm glad to see you talking about the value of friendship considering our society puts romance on such a high pedestal but I would like to push back on one of your answers.
A lot of what you described as the difference between romantic and platonic attraction actually had nothing to do with either of those things; you spoke of commitment and life partnerships which are not inherently romantic. You absolutely can choose to build your life with that of a friend, or family member rather than a romantic partner. This type of relationship exists frequently in queer communities, but you absolutely do not need to be queer to want or do this.
Yyyup
Yes, exactly. I feel that because we associate the idea of commitment with romance we often conflate the two.
+
I can't completely agree about your first answer about platonic versus romantic love. My bestie and I have pretty much given up on romantic partners and created our own household.
I guess technically we have worked a lot to maintain our friendship over the years but it doesn't seem that way looking back. We've shared bills, friends, vacations, meals, holidays, emergency contacts, health problems, black (and one white) cats, closets, joint purchases, highs and lows, trama, enough text messages to circle the earth, hoards of letters from when we didn't live together, four hour long phone conversations, ect ect. We take care of each other and grow together.
Romance comes and goes (maybe because we are equally inept at it) but best friends of 14 years (who haven't murdered each other yet) are forever. We maybe witches tho so YMMV.
That sounds lovely. Congrats on such a long friendship.
@@mandeep3.14 thank you!
I'm aro, and while not entirely opposed to romance, this is everything I want in my life!!! This is what I want. I really hope that this is where one of my cutrent friendships goes, and if not, that someone comes into my life like this. This is such a beautiful story! Good for you two, I admire your relationship and wish you all the best.
I would want my best friend to be the person I see in all of the situations you posed for the romantic vs platonic debate! Granted, I'm single, so I don't really have another option, but also, we live together, so we do share our lives in the way you describe romantic partners sharing a life. I still definitely wouldn't describe our relationship as romantic though. For me, the distinction lies more within intention, I think - are you intentionally choosing to live WITH this person, not just alongside them, and are you intentionally trying to grow with them? Not that our situation isn't intentional, but we haven't chosen to intertwine our lives by living together, that just sort of came with the territory of living in the same house, and it's also more temporary.
I have a twin sister who is also my best friend and while we live halfway across the US from each other, I too see her in all of the situations Leena posed. We don't talk daily, instead it's weekly, but in a crisis my sister and my parents are the first people I turn to and want to be there to support me. Also, I am asexual, specifically homoromantic gray-A. I have pondered this question a lot. For me romantic relationships involve more touch: kissing, cuddles and spooning.
I agree with this in the first instance- when I was picturing all of that I know I'd want my best friend. I remember when I woke up from surgery and I was fully drugged up and I heard the nurse speaking, eventually I realised she wasn't speaking to me and I turned my head and saw my best friend and I just said 'Gabby!' in the happiest voice ever haha- it's honestly one of my best memories, her being there with me. I've never met someone else or even have a relationship with someone else that I felt as comfortable with as I feel with her even though we have our differences. Unfortunately we live on opposite sides of the world but she just about to be a single mum and I so want to be there with her. In that way I would say I do have an intention but I guess we don't inherently view ourselves as one unit and we're comfortable being separate (although we do often talk like 'we'll move here, or 'we'll buy this house' etc.) but I don't think either us want to be separate forever, we want to be in the same vicinity long term.
This is very much besides the point but I would love to raid Leena's secret stash of headbands and see what treasures I find
Haha I made this one myself, I am like a proud toddler!
@@leenanormsAs a fellow quirky headband lover, I hope you keep your toddler-adjecent love of glittery handmade headbands forever. For video purposes or otherwise.
46 year old straight woman here... I've stayed friends with all of my nice exs. Its never been a problem.
I have a different opinion on the note of exes being friends. For context, I have two exes that are two of my most trusted friends (both people I dated for years), and I value having their perspective in my life as people who truly know me as a friend and a partner. I feel they can give me answers about myself that no one else in my life could. It is true that sometimes we break up because someone has qualities that we wouldn't want in a friend, but I think more often it is that they have qualities that we don't want in a *partner*. There are many qualities that I am willing to accept and tolerate in my friends that I wouldn't necessarily want in a partner.
fully agree!
Same heeere!! That became very clear to me when me and my ex broke up. All of a sudden, his traits that really annoyed me became quirky, and kind of fun. Since our lives were no longer intended to intertwine, it 100% stopped bothering me. After that I have also noticed that some slightly annoying traits in some of my best friends would be deal breakers if I were to date them. I guess I have a more strict set of expectations from a romantic partner than from a friend. (I am not monogamous, though, and I don't see friend - partner as a cleat cut. Still I have found this difference in expectations do apply, but in a continuum)
The grin from that old man! As if to say, "well she's got it." Haha lovely video Leena!
Yeah, I almost spit out my drink 😂😂
Love the answer to the soulmates question of relationships being built and not born or stumbled upon. ❤
I almost didn't watch and I'm so glad that I did. As a much older woman, I would like to give any takers this Valentine's Day gift. If a man hates his Mother, or has an unusually "close" relationship with his Mother, RUN DON'T WALK because he will punish you for LIFE for his own issues. Also, a cheap or lazy man is going to be unbearable...And make sure you are well versed about narcissistics (because there are a lot of them out there,) and their m.o. is that they will work on destroying you while vampire-ically sucking the life out of you for as long as possible. LOL, Happy Valentine's Day.
Thank you for sharing the serious lessons you probably had to learn through many years of pain, lol. I deeply appreciate the shortcut and I'll heed your words. Sending ya love, hope you're doing well.
Interesting; a stereotype that's also half-true among lesbians is that you become best friends with your ex. Not really true of me but I'd be happy to bump into almost any of them - can't say the same about most of the blokes I've been out with.
My ex is my best friend, but that's easier when you're poly and both have other partners. It's also easier when you don't see relationships as something that has to look one particular way - we slowly fell out of our relationship and one day just came to an agreement that what we were in couldn't be classified as a relationship anymore and it would make it easier to make that distinction if we stopped kissing haha
you're just the best youtuber around. listening to you is so therapeutic to me as a lost and confused 23 year old ❤️ you deserve so much more exposure and more people can benefit from your series!
As straight woman I only picture my sister at my hospital bed or as someone I want to come home to and tell her her about my day, i personally can't imagine that kind of comfort and companionship taking the form of a man. Maybe that's just the aro in me.
While I like that such questions are discussed- and they were very important to sorting out my own confusion within myself- I think it's more helpful if responders state that their answer is SPECIFIC to their situation and experiences. I realllly don't think there is a perfect analogy to neatly explain the "universal difference" between romance and platonic relationships without upholding allonormativity and making aroace folks feel like an afterthought.
Agreed! The only person I can picture is my best friend. Even before my parents. I'm very aro, which definitely plays into my takes on life, love, and romance. I really appreciate this comment, especially the end!!
@@shenenigans2037 I went and re-read my comment after receiving your reply and gosh? it's riddled with errors! But I'm glad you and a bunch of other folks found it relatable. The aro experience is truly so unique and bewildering. For me, it went from being confused about myself to feeling ENLIGHTENED after learning of aromanticism to now feeling confused about others & how they function as allo beings 😅
"We can't have a 'no fun allowed'-sign over anything that is vaguely capitalist" :D I love this and my past self needed to hear it! Thanks!
There's something about that floating hearts head piece that makes me instantly picture you as a modern day Cupid!
Well done for being brave enough to film in front of strangers ☺️ This video is really cool and creative. I love your outfit!
It's so weird seeing this place on video. I spent my 22nd birthday at Shakespeare's birthplace and I cried in the Harry Potter shop across the street because of a romantic blunder at the time. Feels kinda full circle to see this on Valentine's Day and know I'm completely over that lol yay
My thoughts on the question at 11:23 and it might sound harsh:
I think that at the core of your being, so even deeper than whatever self doubt or bad thoughts you have, you should believe that you deserve to be loved and cared for.
I believe that if you do not, the chances of you actually having a happy, healthy, satisfying relationship are slim.
I was dealing with a lot of self doubt after I quit law school and broke up with my then partner (within like a month). When a new person came around (7 months later), I felt like I could not be a good partner, because of my 'issues'. After talking to my mom and my best friend I realised that just simply being with that person would not fix me, but it would make me happy. Even though it was hard to see it at the time, I did believe that I deserved to be loved.
I started seeing myself through their eyes and saw the good things in me.
We are celebrating our 3rd valentines together today.
I just love this feeling that I'm watching the news but it's like the REAL news and the reporter is...so cool
hannaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!
disagree on the romantic/platonic/sexual question. first off, asexual people can still be attracted to people romantically, it's not just, "well, you look like someone i'd want at my hospital bed," it's the feeling of you always have to be around them and their smile makes you smile and when you make eye contact you blush. it's crushes and romantic love but without imagining them naked or wanting sex. and aromantic people (and others) can form queerplatonic partnerships, where they're life partners without a romantic or necessarily sexual component-they act as a single person, in the way a couple does, and in the way leena described a romantic partnership. i like that leena addressed this question, because it's good to have an explicit sense of your expectations for a relationship (and communicate with partner(s) about it) rather than just assuming everyone's on the same page. but i think considering the perspectives of ace and aro people can give more nuance.
I think the definition or differentiation of "types of love" is so personal. I absolutely know that I experience love differently to many others because my friends are my family, I would want my best friends and my partners at my bedside. I don't have a hierarchy of love in the sense many people seem to.
IMO it's about working out what love in its many forms means to you and making sure you have the discussion with others so you all understand what you expect and mean.
@@Miss_Lexisaurus I would argue that you're confusing romantic attraction with love. Yes love is personal. How you love someone and what you choose to do with that love is personal. We know that there are 5 different love languages and there are still differences within the people within those languages.
As another asexual person I imagine (as I do not know) that romantic attraction probably feels very similar to what people consider to be sexual attention, because non asexuals (allosexuals) generally feel sexual attraction and romantic attraction simultaneously. I experience romantic attraction the same way the individual above does. It is a desire to be with that person in everything but a sexual sense. I have been in love and even though they stemmed from the same person they felt very different. Platonic attraction feels very different than romantic attraction. Platonic attraction is very much a "I am excited to spend time with you, I want to understand how your world works and I'd like to be a visitor in it."
I also don't feel platonic attraction to someone I am romantically attracted to. I remember my ex saying he was happy we were friends and I really upset him by saying "we're not friends" because it is so clear cut to me in terms of attraction. I am fully aware that some allosexuals will experience sexual, romantic and platonic attraction to one person and this would make it very difficult to work out what feelings are what.
came here looking for a comment like this! thanks for saying it, this was really well put
I said something similar on a different thread but I think you put it to words much better than I could! Well said!
I'm friends with most of my exes but then I am gay and poly 😂 perhaps it depends on WHEN the relationship breaks down. Myself and people I've dated seem to have fairly healthy boundaries, so a relationship ends before it gets shit, and when we just realise it isn't going to work. Always kind, always mutually understanding, and never a closed door 💚
yes and also how the transition is handled i think? giving people space to process their feelings separately before trying to come together again. but i feel its simply a lot more normalised to stay friends with exes in queer communities
Leena's explanation of the difference between romantic and platonic love reminds me why people made the term queerplatonic relationship. I wouldn't have defined it the same way as Leena - I think friendship as more of a ladder and there are different rungs of closeness. I guess queerplatonic relationship better describes those friends you would want at your bedside.
do you see romantic relationships as separate from that ladder?
im trying to conceptualise this for myself and what i'm confused about is do you (as in everybody, not just you who wrote this comment) not (commonly?) have friends on that 'share a life' level? I've always had one or two friends on that level ever since i was like a teenager and yes, a few of those friendships have broken up and others have lasted for years and years. do some people just have that one romantic partner and everybody else is kept at a distance in a sense?
@@nakymatonlapsiN I can answer this based on quite a lot of people I know and the answer is yes. Some people don't have friends on that "share a life" level. However, I also think this is often not intentional at all. For example, I would love it if my closest friends that I shared absolutely everything with when growing up were still as close now, but we all live in different countries and that makes that kind of relationship quite hard to maintain as an adult. Also, I currently live in a country where it seems to be a bit of a cultural thing that friendships don't get "too close", which I honestly hate and it makes me a little bit sad.
@@handsacrossthemoon oh yeah that makes sense to me! i think maybe in (some) queer communities this has been deconstructed a little bit more and therefore it's easier to get into those friendships, but the structural issues are of course still there.
I have realised that I just want someone in my life on that 'share a life' level, but none of my friendships are at that level right now, and I'm not pursuing romantic relationships right now either.
Romantic vs platonic love: your distinction falls apart once you consider queerplatonic relationships! Though aromantics aren't the best at answering the "romantic vs. platonic attraction" question. The best answer I've seen is: do you want to do things you consider romantic with this person or not? So some people have marriage not a romantic thing, just a lifelong partnership thing, which can be platonic. Other people might have sex as romantic, never platonic. Maybe going on dates is platonic, unless it's to Paris then it's romantic. No idea. Entirely depends on the person. And even then people might want to do romantic things with people they aren't attracted to romantically or platonic things with people they aren't attracted to platonically. But it's a good starting point.
Ah, so much this. Like personally, I have a hard time not thinking of platonic life partners as being romantic? I mean, not that there is/has to be any actual romance in the relationship, but choosing a person to stick with your whole life and not just cuz they're related to you sounds romantic af.
As an aro person who is in a relationship/s that looks romantic to the outside eye but doesn't consider these relationships romantic, I really value this answer.
The man walking by at the end, I cannot 😂😂😂😭☠️☠️
The question about knowing when to break up with someone I also think you know when you'd don't feel that pull to them anymore and you find yourself prioritising plans with other people over them consistently... For me, it was realising I was worrying about the things I would be losing (living situation, pets, pooled money, friend group dynamics, etc etc) rather than losing the person
As someone whos been on the other end where someone has consistently prioritised everything else over time with me, yes. Obviously you are going to do this sometimes because friendships etc outside a relationship are super important, but if its all the time and constantly cancelling on you parnter then thats a sign. All you are doing is making the other person doubt themselves and the relationship. Its even more important if you know they are vulnerable emotionally.
So for me it was because I was mainly prioritising my work, I had a fulltime job but was working on my freelance career to do that fulltime instead, it became easier to overwork myself and make plans with the friends I was seeing daily than face going home because it wasn't a loving environment to be in anymore, it was just routine... There weren't plans to cancel on because we weren't making any! We'd grown apart and weren't what each other needed anymore. Thank you for your view from the other side, I think either way it's a crap situation to be in knowing things are going downhill
I find you answer to what the difference between platonic and romantic love is really interesting-I'm asexual, and I'm in a queerplatonic relationship so I've done a lot of thinking about it. In all of the scenarios you described I would want my partner to be there with me: but I don't feel something entirely different from my other friends with them, it's just that we fit together in some way. In the end then I don't really think there is a difference between romantic and platonic love when you remove sex, at least the way I experience the world, because no-one I've asked has been able to describe anything unique to romantic love that isn't sexual.
I would point out that, apart from sex, the main difference between romantic relationships and friendships is the level of commitment from all the parts. And the amount of time you choose to spend together.
I wrote a blog post on the "you can't love others unless you love yourself" thing a while ago because it's something I have struggled very hard with because of my mental illness.
The gist of my post was:
"Loving yourself is important, and worth working on, but not loving yourself doesn’t make you unable to love other people, or unworthy of love.
Please know that even if you hate yourself with your whole soul, you can still experience love. Love isn’t a special award you get for achieving A* mental health, or anything else, everyone is deserving of & able to love."
It really bothers me to hear people preach this without realising how damaging it is to say to people who may be deep in self hate "you're also incapable of loving people."
That said, I do believe that I am able to receive love better now I love myself more. I am able to bring more to relationships. I'm a better version of myself. But none of that means I couldn't love or receive love before and sometimes we need someone else who we love to be the reason we start to work on ourselves because we don't think we're worthy of doing the work just for ourselves.
I really liked the idea that even if you don't fully love yourself yet, having self-awareness is a good place to start.
I think for people who feel like they don't have the best self-esteem and are worried they'll accept bad situations because of that, the idea of a list of green / red flags can be very helpful. You could start with Leena's list and add a few of your own.
all the ace people in the comments make my heart so warm because i am in the exact same boat!
As an ace person I found the romantic v platonic question difficult because differentiating between the two is something I really struggle with generally because I experience romantic attraction without sexual attraction on a regular basis. I don't agree that it is as simple as your questions appeared to make it out to be but that's life - complicated!
Most definitely, I was obviously answering this on how it applies to my life, I get that it's different for everybody and there's a million answers depending on who the asker asks ❤️
I'm rather known for raging about Valentine's Day, but it's not the day itself I have a problem with. When you make a point to celebrate all of the special relationships in your life, I think it's marvellous. When it's the only day of the year that you bother to make a fuss of your romantic partner, I think it should be struck from the calendar!
Should it really be romantic vs platonic love? That's not very ace friendly - romantic attraction is not the same as sexual attraction. Also, I am in a committed monogamous relationship of five years, and yet about half of the 'questions' in the list would be my best friend/friends, not partner, for me personally. These things are so complicated! Also, re politics I definitely see where you are coming from, but I think it also matters whether you agree WHAT needs fixing in the world - a committed incel probably also thinks that something is wrong with the world and that it needs fixing, but that wouldn't be my idea of the 'good' for humans! So in that sense the window of 'how' to fix the world becomes much narrower in the political sense, which affects who I would or wouldn't date.
100% agree
Omg that guy at the end I’m cackling 😂😂
I had a very bad Valentine’s Day for several reasons but I really loved this video. Especially the comparison between the search for a romantic soulmate and not friend soulmates. And that last “Who am I???” when the man walks by made me smile. Thank you!
I think self love is needed before romantic love to an extent. I didn’t used to but I saw someone asking for dating advice on reddit who really needed to learn self love.
If you lack self love to the point that you are shocked anyone could be attracted to you and you think you’re lucky to have someone pay you even the tiniest bit of attention, you need to learn to love yourself before dating. Because if you are in that headspace, you will let people treat you badly because you don’t think you deserve any better. And I know there would still be decent people who could date someone like that and not take advantage, but having that mindset puts you in such a vulnerable position that dating becomes dangerous.
So loving yourself enough that you are safe, loving yourself as much as you would a stranger, knowing that you deserve respect from other people, that you aren’t worthless, that is needed. Maybe it’s more self-like rather than self-love. But it helps keep you safe from potential danger that comes with dating.
My perspective on exes as friends is that it depends on whether you were friends PLATONICALLY before being in a relationship and for how long, how long you dated, and how much time, space and commitment both parties are willing to put in to heal and return to friends
"a single pringle" I. LOVE. IT
Yes to all! The lightening in the theatre scene is magical
I just finished the seven husbands of evelyn hugo and I feel like it helped me understand love so much better
Funnily enough one of my best friends happens to be an ex from high school. I think the context of our relationship is pretty different from an average ex though. We had been best friends before getting together, then had a short high school relationship (like 5 months), and then had a few years of not being close before reconnecting again when we were both adults. To this day he has been such an amazing person in my life and is even really great friends with my current partner! It's funny how exes as friends can work out occasionally.
Loving the stormy weather changes behind the phone box backdrop...🤩
Watching that man slowly approach while you said your closing bit was so delicious. I cackled. Like actually cackled.
Your answer to the soulmate question was so interesting! I’d never thought of it that way before
Haha, that beginning... thát is why I love your content, Leena!
I've always struggled with the "you have to love yourself to love others/be loved by others" thing. I haven't believed it to be true exactly, but felt like it might be partially true without being able to put my finger on how. Your answer to that question really helped me to understand these sayings in a much more nuanced way, so thank you!
I agree, but I also couldn't help feeling uncomfortable about the idea that getting together to fix each other's flaws is a good thing. It's not healthy to have an expectation that you can dump your unresolved trauma/baggage on a partner, nor an expectation that partners come with unresolved trauma/baggage that is your responsibility to carry/fix.
Does it happen? Sure, and it can work out, but everyone should be striving to own their shit and work on themselves and everyone should deem themselves worthy of relationships with others who are doing the same.
Healthy relationships are about being each other's cheerleaders, not fixing each others problems.
listening to your experience and advice on love over the years has been so soothing, during this video i really thought about the loving ways in which i could show up for myself and how that projects onto my relationships with others. happy val day!
The answers were so spot on! Great advice for politics and relationships. My experience has completely lined up. The breakup one in particular is a great way to summarize it.
❤️ so glad those swans weren’t sneaking up on you to attack!
Legitimately was thinking how amazing you are for taking these videos outside and walking around. It's such a brave thing. Love your take on friendship.
Knitbomb Treeee! 😍 Such a leena type o' place.
The old man at the end made my day. Very interesting stuff, I'm hoping you're having a good day
A bit random, but i truly LOVE hearing your opinions on different topics. You're always so articulate and smart! Thanks for the video
Loving these so much! ❤️
You were very brave Leena, so many strangers waking by as ur obviously filming ❤️ ♥️ ❤️
My partner bought brushes that go on a drill, and suddenly cleaning the bathroom has transformed into a rather masculine task. He didn’t mind cleaning it before, but now he’s having fun doing the cleaning. And I’m not complaining😂
Disagreeing on politics in relationships (at least more than Lena concludes here) is just something that strikes me as an instant sign of privilege. Like a Black person is not going to have the luxury of disagreeing about racial politics too much in a relationship. Probably dating an all lives matter person would not go well. A white person dating an all lives matter person could probably get on a lot easier, even if they disagree about that topic. A bisexual man probably won't have a good time dating a homophobic woman or a biphobic man/non-binary person. But it's really easy for a straight person to date someone homo/biphobic and have it not affect the relationship much. And so on. I know clearly there are relationships with these issues, it's just not something I can see being healthy. (Look at the number of misogynists who married women. It's common, unfortunately. But not good.)
I can't agree more with you!!
i entirely agree. as a queer, disabled, female-presenting person, i need a partner who respects my experiences with gender and feminism, who understands my disability and how it affects my life, who is okay with the fact that i am attracted to multiple genders. i understand that not everyone has had opportunities to learn about these things, but if they don't care about me enough to try to learn, they're probably not a good presence to have in my life.
Great vid! I hadn’t thought about the soulmate thing like that before 🤔
What a great video! Also how awesome is this headband!
I'm currently going through a longgggggg breakup. My partner and I are living together, and have lived together for 5 years so it's not a simple 'pack ur stuff and leave' type of situation.
While the breakup is a mutual decision, I continue to talk myself back into the idea that we should stay together and 'make it work'. But, I think your point about breaking up with someone because you can picture them being loved more by someone else - or just being more content on their own - hits home. We have both expressed this to eachother in different ways over the years, but I think neither of us had given enough weight to that feeling.
I think its a good question to continue to ask yourself in a relationship, (and also, in my case - the reverse.. could I picture myself being more content alone) but perhaps more importantly.... listen deeply to what it brings up for you.
Loved this video so much!!
Great red and green flags! Swans be like: No film, only feed!
I actually believe in soul mates. There are people that you instantly click with and that are very similar. I dont think they are necessary ideal partners... they can be good friends or aqcuantances i dont know
I sometimes suspect that idea was an excuse for unfaithful husbands, who marry, and then later meet their 'soul mate' and its OK because she was my 'other half of my soul' in the Greek philosophical scheme.
i feel that. i think we can, and often do, have multiple soulmates over our lives - i know i have
The yarn-bombed tree is AMAZING!! I'm considering doing my first ever yarn-bomb (giving a tree a jumper) and this was definitely inspiring.
Gilmore Girls has an amazing moment where one of the characters listens to a self help tape and it makes him realize he's in love with his friend - what you were saying in the 'romantic v platonic love' section of this video just instantly reminded me of that. if you look up 'Luke sees her face' on youtube i'm sure you'd find it :P
i LOVE the idea of body roles hahah i think you said it perfectly by saying you're not fitting into a gender role but to what your skillset offers!
i always have a million things i wanna comment on in these videos but i don't wanna write an essay - so Leena, thank you for making these videos that make thoughts spark so much!!
I always love your hair accessories ❤ They really ad to the videos
Loving that yarn-bombed tree! 😍 I agree with you on many of those red flags. I especially think it's important to have a supportive partner that celebrates your wins. Sometimes when we have achieved something we can tend to downplay it and it's important to have people around you that say "Hang on.. that's a huge achievement! I am so proud of you!"
Another red flag is how they talk about people, especially their ex's. It's okay to be upset with an ex and express feeling mistreated by that person, but when someone starts to make up all their exes as 'crazy' and that it was all their ex's fault the relationships ended we have a red flag! My ex did that, and somehow I thought when in that relationship that if we broke up we could be friends and it could be handled in a mature & responsible way... All I will say is that I was WRONG!
Thank you for being such a lovely human being
YES! Thank you! My love language is gift giving and my gifts come in all forms! Gifts do not need to be physical items. Great video as always!!
I find the issue that crops up with the politics and dating one typically is what each person actually views as 'political'. For example I don't think transgender rights and access to healthcare are political issues, they are human rights. It would be a red flag to me if the other person saw that as political.
great video and loved the ending with the old man hahahaha
Great video!!
The man 🤣 the man at the end! 🤣🤣🤣
Wow! This video was awesome!!! And I was so excited checking the answers in the comments and that guy walked up behind… I watched it a dozen times!! So funny and it has totally happened to me too!!! Lol the old people mean well hahaha
Such a good video!! Thank you
These are great tips :)
Ahwww I live near here. The minute you interviewed a swan about commitment I thought 'oh yes this will be a good one'
Leena, creds to you for standing in all these places being your enthusiastic self - whilst I'm sat behind my laptop whispering I'd be melting with social awkwardness. Also thanks Craig we appreciate your videographer skills!
This is the most British weather I've ever seen.
as a French person, your incursions of French in your videos surprise me every time and i find them ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS *chef's kiss*
Watching this as I write this comment, letting you know I always enjoy watching what your videos!
Personally, I've never been able to stay friends with any of my exes but I think a lot of that has to do with my personality. I tend to give out to many second chances and by the time they run out things have deteriorated to the point where I have to burn the bridge. It al depends on your situation, your personality, and your boundaries.
Oft that is REALATEABLE
I **aspire** to have the level of confidence to sit on a public bench wearing valentines noughties head boppers talking into a microphone like there isn't another person around.
Excellent work Leena!
Regarding the friends with exes thing, I think that's the opposite: just because the romantic love and the passion ended and you don't necessarily share the same life goals anymore, doesn't mean that the things that attracted to them in the first place are gone. You can still find them funny, clever, kind etc, you can still share a lot of things to talk about... Obviously that depends on how things ended, but in my experience I have found that staying friends with some of my exes added a lot of value to my life. Of course you need to give yourself some time to grieve the end of the relationship, but when the pain is gone I feel it's not impossible to have a healthy friendship with an ex.
I love your videos Leena! I'm 20 and look up to you a lot
Great perspective on the exes as friends , Leena! I was thinking along those lines but didn't know how to put it... Indeed, most of my exes had displayed traits that I do not value in a person, hence we broke up. We did not fight, but I prefer different types of character as friends even. Now, when it comes to self love, it really hit home. I was imperative on it, that my partner absolutely needs to love themselves as I do, and now I'm dating someone that does not , not really, he just tolerates himself enough, and I did not know what to think of it. I'm very curious to see how it will unfold in the future, but in any case your perspective was valuable. Thank you!
the losing of parent and friendships hits me hard... I lost my mum when I was 10 and I always felt very alone as I didnt have anyone truly to discuss it (like how do 10 year olds process their friends loss) and now I wish I could have had the friends I have now. I've lost family members since as an adult and having them has genuinely made the process so much easier. Ita still shit and hurts like hell but knowing I've got people who will just let me cry and not judge is so much easier xx
I also lost me mam when I was 10, I was fortunate enough that a local hospice specifically brough kids who had been through similar traumas together. I still have friends to this day who went through something similar, and we don't talk about it much but its nice to know that when I'm having a crap day, I can say that todays bad and they get it 100%. If you want to, I'm happy to reach out and share that understanding.