Never in a million years did I expect people to legitimately believe that doing the fucking dreamworks face means you’re a terrible person. What the hell is happening with society nowadays I'm so confused
I have that smirk. In my case because an impacted wisdom tooth caused nerve damage and paralysed a bunch of the muscles on one side of my face, so I only smile with the other side.
Unfortunately i just plucked a bunch of dominance out of eyebrows last week. Had I known what I was doing I would have left them untamed and just tweezed my mustache.
I also think I'm better than everyone, but that also includes my exquisitely groomed eyebrows, so thankfully I don't have to worry about being a narcissist either
You don't groom your eyebrows? So you think they're fine just the way that you are because you think you're all that and that you're already beautiful AND you want to show off the natural thickness of your hairs? That's VERY narcissistic. SHAME ON YOU! /s
twilight remake where edward is a narcissistic energy vampire and jacob is a dark empath so there's really nothing supernatural going on it's just a weird book centered around pop psychology
jesus it is so validating to hear someone with a platform say "trust your gut" isn't inherently good advice when plenty of people's "guts" are racist/sexist/otherwise terrible
Turns out sometimes our gut is run on heuristics (a very fun problematic way our brain tries to make snap decisions/not use too much power that leads to a bunch of biases and mistakes! ;w;)
Yeah, I think the point - that women who have bad vibes about people should not be dismissed out of hand, that it's okay not to put yourself in situations that *feel* unsafe even if you can't articulate why - has been completely missed. Some people just want their first instinct to be treated as hard evidence.
I was with someone once who'd find ways to read targeted insults into the most mundane interactions and explode at every perceived insult. One of the straws that helped break that camel's back was the time they burst into the room a few hours after the latest tantrum in elation because they'd found an e-book by some ex-navy seal that just said "always trust your gut, it's never wrong" drawn out over 400 pages. They couldn't wait to share the joy of having finally found a guy with a book deal to validate all the rage, to the person who'd been begging them to seek counseling for months. When the joy shared turned out to not be doubled, it was right back to screaming and slamming doors. The way that idea gets pushed as an unalloyed good comes across so sinister to me. The example above wouldn't realistically be better or worse off without it, but I worry that the way it's sold is only helping push people who could still feasibly be helped over the threshold where it becomes harder and less likely to happen. And judging from the month I spent looking for healthy support groups after that whole thing ended, it is as ubiquitous in those spaces as the idea that you can neatly slot all of humanity into the boxes "narcissist" and "empath". I guess ironically, I count myself lucky that the whole thing seemed so immediately off-putting as to not draw me in. The gut isn't always wrong, after all, just not always right either.
as a person who was abused, the "abusers are evil monsters" idea kept me from realizing it for a long time. cause like. my mom wasnt an evil monster. she was a person. so clearly she couldnt be abusive.
TOTALLY. Neither of my parents are evil, just two very hurt, varied levels of unhealed people. That excuses nothing my folks did to me and your folks did to you, and that also doesn't make them rotten to the core.
Right? My mother too was very abusive without meaning to. Our relationship healed up dramatically once i moved out and she had no complete power over me anymore and i had safe spaces to recharge and was able to handle myself. We're good now, i like her
I know this is a deeply unpopular opinion in intellectual spaces and I’m not getting into the drama around the release or anything, but I went to see it ends with us and I actually really liked it because it demonstrates that exact thing really well. I haven’t read the book or anything else by that author so I don’t know to what extent this was intentional, but the movie plays like a really stereotypical rom com, up to and including while the main character is being abused by him. I thought that was really helpful because usually, as soon as a character in a movie acts abusive, they immediately become like a crazed Disney villain. But in reality, the victim is probably still in love with their abuser, and the whole situation still feels like it’s part of their love story, because you’re not conceptualizing your partner as a villain. The movie showed really well how, in the midst of all these sweet and romantic and hot things that seem like they’re a great love story, abuse can be happening too. Your partner isn’t exempt from being an abuser just because they are also the person you love who sometimes treats you really well. That same person can also be abusing you in the midst of everything else. It was honestly an impressively nuanced message that I think shows why people don’t leave so often- they still see their partner as part of their love story, and it doesn’t click in our heads that they could be that and also be an abuser at the same time
Same. I didn’t recognize my father for the narcissist he is for a long time. It was only after my parents divorce and my mother’s statement against him I realized how awful he actually is.
32:40 "how to torture a narcissist through psychological manipulation" is literally a self report. Like, wtf. These people are literally making psychological abuse tutorials. Why would anyone who isn't an abuser want to know this stuff? Its sickening
My eyes bugged at that part, idk how anyone can say that about another person, no matter how terrible their behavior has been, and not be like am I the baddie?
Seriously!! I love that video because,as an autistic person‚ body language “experts” being respected in any field seriously scares me. I KNOW those people would accuse me of being evil and a criminal.
I recently went very low contact with my emotionally manipulative family. I watched some videos of other abuse survivors and it made me feel less alone and reassured me that I wasn't broken. Unfortunately, my feed is now utterly filled with "10 ways YOU can STOP your NARCISSIST MOTHER from RUINING your LIFE!!" It's all clickbait garbage that drowns out the real helpful stuff. Thanks for the video!
It really is - it hurts both the people trying to sort their mental health out with bad information, with shame, with lots of sh-t, with instilling warped and/or hostile attitudes in the people around them. It makes it so hard to find help, especially for someone may not even have the words or knowledge to know what they were dealing with. It hurts the people around them by making them constantly 'looking for the bad people', looking for that one sign that tells them 'X is a bad person', all with the underlying/additional statement of "...therefore I am a good person because I am not like that and therefore I am justified in disregarding them or dismissing them." It continues the stigma of mental health under the guise of toxic self-image.
Many emotionally abusive parents are genuinely not gonna get better, and it's important to reckon with that fact. But the fact that many people's solution to this upsetting reality is to label their abusive parents and anyone like them as a class of sub-human humans ("narcissists") is sorta missing the point. A good amount of the time, the reason a family reaches these deeply unhealthy states is because they are using a social construct that allows them to deny the reality of their children (e.g "the parent always is right, and any kids who don't obey are shitty"). Responding to that dehumanization by invoking your own social construct ("narcissism") to dehumanize them is just... deeply backwards. I understand the pain of having shitty parents, but I just cannot understand the obsession with calling all difficult parents "narcissists."
@@SheilaTheGrate it reinforces this black-and-white thinking which, ironically, soothes the user's own ego the same way they imagine their narcs might. This runs counter to looking at things more objectively (which can be really, really hard to do when your sense of normal was fucked with)
@@mouse9831I have NPD and while I heavily dislike armchair diagnosing sometimes a little voice in my brain goes "oh my god all of these empaths are also narcs" so you're totally on the money I think
this is petty of me, but the other thing that bugs me about this "narcissist" panic (aside from the Everything) is that people keep shortening it to "narc" and normally im all for language evolving and whatnot, but i will die on my petty little hill of "narc" being short for "narcotics officer" and meaning "snitch," thankyouverymuch.
I hate the way the internet has taken the word "empath" and turned it into a super psychic special spiritual ability, no, I have overactive mirror neurones and I get completely overwhelmed by other people's emotions and I struggle to tell them apart from my own. That's not a good or spiritual thing or a superpower, it fucks me up actually
Empathy is a neutral trait. Sometimes it's a good thing that helps me. Sometimes it's a bad thing that makes things difficult for me or even causes me to hurt others. And very often, it's just a thing about me that exists. It's been too conflated with compassion
18:28 YEP I've been saying this for years!!! I'm someone who was diagnosed with bpd FAR too young (age 14), and ended up diagnosed with Autism at age 26. A bpd diagnosis is one of the most sexist stigmatised piles of garbage ever, and it almost ruined my life. I hated myself SO MUCH for things that I didn't even realise were mostly out of my control. if the psychiatrist who diagnosed me wasn't already suspended and in prison (for SA) I'd put him there myself. Bpd and npd are just gendered versions of CPTSD with far too much stigma for them to be useful as diagnoses anymore, and I'll die on this hill.
What’s funny is that my NPD makes me very very sensitive to perceived rejection or criticism, and I spiral into deep shame for days on end. But that’s ‘funny’ to ableists I guess
Why are people acting like it's a weird, manipulative thing to act differently in different contexts. That's like one of the most normal kind of social skills
These people are WAAAAAAY too online. It’s sad and crazy. And worse, because they are so online they rarely come to face reality and so they continue habits that exacerbate their paranoia. Its how a lot of conspiracy heads start off.
For that matter, why do people act as if manipulation isn't literally definitionally part of most complex social interactions? It's straight up taught in social skills classes.
Because a lot of the terminally online engage on eliminating any nuance. In this case, not making the distinction between manipulative ladder climbers/two-faced friends and the subtle manipulation of changing your persona in different contexts. It's a hardline, "all manipulation is equally bad" stance drucen by three motivations: 1. Hardline stances do well on social media, as nuance is less digestible and less entertaining among the general population. 2. Our current sociopolitical world does compell a hardline stance to be taken sometimes. Thus, that tendency follows certain people, regardless of context. 3. People, by in large, are bad at philosophical consistency, even when they try. They often reject superficially similar ideas even when context would suggest their differences matter A LOT.
I feel like it's taking an actual problem behavior and describing it in such generic terms that you can't parse it from normal behavior. The behavior my abusers would do was that they were extremely good at putting on "face". When I left, I literally had friends be like, "How could you leave? Your parents are so nice!" I had to fear people that they could persuade to believe them. One of the most terrible and yet most fortunate moments of my life was when a friend was in the room with me when I received a phone call from them. The phone wasn't even on speaker, but she could hear the screaming. By the time the conversation was done, she had tears in her eyes. She ended up being trustworthy, never questioned that it was real. Meanwhile my mother-in-law was in secret contact with them for like a year before they finally crossed the line too visibly. People who do that kind of change, where they flip from famously kind everyone-trusts-them in public to monsters in private or around those they can abuse without losing social standing (they were horrible to service workers), I feel like that's what this was originally meant to talk about.
@@randomguy019 Also, you forgot that a lot of cultures, especially religious conservative ones, teach absolutist attitudes toward morality. X is always bad without question without context. That kind of thinking is instilled as a control mechanism.
This video is so spot on. I think the only thing missing is mentioning the fact that narcissistic personality disorder is caused BY trauma. This is a really watered down explanation, but basically, no one is born with empathy, empathy generally develops in early or late adolescence (think of the phrase "13 year olds are scary because they don't have a good grasp on the whole empathy thing yet"), and narcissistic traits generally develop because a child was not SAFE ENOUGH to develop empathy during those stages. (This is part of why it's difficult to diagnose minors with NPD; the milestones aren't universal, so maybe your 16 year old just needs a few more months for their brain to wrinkle just right, yknow?) In my case, I suffered from severe medical problems and medical neglect throughout my entire childhood. I always had to put myself first because if I didn't, I could get extremely ill or even die. I was constantly letting down my friends and my family, but if I had prioritized their feelings instead of my physical health, I would not have survived past age 15, guaranteed. (And no, I wasn't going to feel GUILTY for being sick. Empathy had no place in my need to survive and thrive. Hence, NPD diagnosis.) So there's ANOTHER layer of ick surrounding how people talk about narcissists because... narcissists are trauma survivors by definition. Why do we have sympathy for people who were abused "by narcissists" but have no empathy whatsoever for narcissists who were imperiled throughout CHILDHOOD?
It is honestly kinda dangerous for people to equate vague “symptoms” like not holding eye contact to narcism, and to further equate narcism to abuse. So many of the “symptoms” listed are either not legitimately recognized symptoms of NPD or are commonly overlapping symptoms with other disorders. I understand that some people may take comfort in being able to recognize harmful personality traits based of off a quick glance, My ex did not abuse me because was evil, demonic, or even narcissistic, or had bushy eyebrows LOL. He abused me for the exact reasons listed in this video. My ex is the painfully human product of his environment who treated me poorly because of what his family made him believe and society allowed. He abused me because I am neurodivergent and did not pick up on many red flags, because he found me annoying, and because he was a misogynist who was convinced he loved women just because he slept with one.
As a person with crippling social anxiety (and possibly on the spectrum although not yet confirmed) the craze for policing people's body language and facial expression really freaks me out. I know from experience that people can and do misread me, sometimes in ways that are wildly different to my perspective.
That’s what I was thinking too. It absolutely can and probably has been used in ways at many times to demonize people who are on the spectrum such as myself. NOTE: For any who don’t want to read my unexpected rant that I apparently needed to get out of my system you can stop reading here. And for any of you who may feel the impulse to ask “Is that an ACKTUAL diagnosis or self diagnosis? 🤓” yes I am so you can unclench now. I get that there are many people that do the stereotypical thing of look up a few traits one time then declare they have X diagnosis which is problem. However there can be many difficult barriers to getting the diagnosis in the first place such as cost for getting it diagnosed late in life. In addition the research autistic people tend to do is extensive and fairly in depth contrary to what people may think when they hear “self diagnosed”. Yet many like I did before my official diagnosis will still even clarify “I’m pretty sure but not officially diagnosed”. I still am in favor of getting a diagnosis when possible but I tend to be a little more lenient when it comes to people who are not officially diagnosed saying they are autistic.
meh don't worry, hard to imagine a regular person consciously turning off intuition and scrambling to remember some random internet advice when meeting someone new. those who watched these videos forget about them the minute they see a rain frog playing next
@@Korihor666 I agree with this comment in its entirety, I was lucky to be diagnosed (edit: with autism) at age 3. It's a rare fortune to get early treatment. I hold no judgement for the self diagnosed due to the difficulty of getting a diagnosis.
Ditto. Neuro-typicals like to project their own motivations, insecurities, and biases like crazy... It's not just tiring/exhausting, it's potentially dangerous for those who have difficulty conforming (for any reason)... Ablist bias is baked into the system...
I have the same problem. I also occasionally start worrying, "Shit, am I a narcissist?" but as it turns out, no, I overanalyze myself all the time. I'm just a panicky, nervous introvert.
This is so frightening. I have autism, I don't make eye contact, I'm bad at gift giving and conversation. All of these "tells" seem to be mental illness symptoms and I don't like the weird witch hunt stuff cropping up
And also that part about wearing a mask! It's already hard enough to be autistic. Traits that are typically associated with autism keep getting labeled as this or that negative thing and I'm so tired of it. I'm just screaming from the sidelines "YOU'RE JUST DESCRIBING AUTISM."
These are the same kinds of people that will refuse to date scorpios. Using the clinical language is the sinister part, but these people are inherently incoherent. At some point, the trend will collapse.
Thank you so much, I really mean that - I have NPD and I feel like it’s so completely misunderstood, even ‘neurodivergent’ / leftist spaces intentionally shun me when I tell them. I appreciate this video.
@@Chimeraaas so this is why you said I’m the problem. Not all people are like the person who abused me. But she was certainly the problem. Not me. Maybe read what people say before jumping on them? I went through abuse. You didn’t do it. The person who did had symptoms of cluster b personality disorders. If you think YOU could maintain a healthy relationship with them, I would say uhhh no one can. But that person is not you. You are your own person and I am not going to assume you must be a monster due to having npd. I’m guessing your notifications are turned off; but I’ll write this anyway. I have plenty of friends who have npd or bpd traits and who have cptsd. I’m sure I’ve met someone who has npd as a diagnosis and never even knew. I also know two people who have hurt others and ruined lives because of how severe their symptoms are. Each case is individual. The tools for dealing with it are similar for similar disorders. That’s the real reason diagnoses exist. To help clinicians help their patients. You be your beautiful self. Don’t define yourself by a diagnosis. Even npd has some really amazing things about it that can be a plus. Don’t let what other people say determine your experience.
As someone with NPD I just gotta say, this disorder would be so much cooler if it made me a bushy eyebrowed demon with pitchblack eyes, instead of a broke college student who has a mental breakdown anytime he gets a grade lower than an A.
sameeeeeeee. I want the pitchblack eyes to scare empaths with my evil powers but alas instead I just need to make sure everyone knows I'm the one cleaning up the table out of my own good will after a meal 😔
@@gaspardp7314I'm disappointed my trauma-induced lack of empathy and blunted affect hasn't given me the ability to inflict supernatural terror curses on people or anything. Like, damn.
As a victim of someone who decided "nah, mental health isn't real and the NPD diagnosis shouldn't be looked at" I would still, after every weird narcissism-brain-suggestion was considered the _best_ idea without question, would think the diagnosis was enviable if everyone developed physical a demon mode, that sounds sick as hell. (No, I don't think you're inherently evil for the diagnosis, I think the person who actively decided to lean into it in my life was, but not you're not them. You're fine, you're trying to untangle and manage, and that's all anyone should ask for.)
the way that “empathy” has been equated with “kindness” is also deeply troubling, and honestly, i think the way it demonizes people with low empathy is just a byproduct. the other side of that coin allows people with empathy to feel like they have done good just by feeling someone else’s pain, even if they don’t do anything to alleviate that pain, which is very helpful for maintaining the status quo
this is precisely why I made the switch from saying "empathy" to saying "compassion" a long time ago. not only is it just a more accurate word choice, but one's level of empathy seems to be more of an innate quality, whereas compassion is... I don't wanna say _entirely_ extrinsic, but it can be taught & learned. it's expressed in how you treat others. in some ways, it's a continuous choice; the state of _being_ compassionate is something someone can strive toward.
I actually think empathy is just poorly conceptualized in the mainstream. This idea that you can feel other peoples’ feelings through the airways is just absurd and silly. I think empathy is entirely learnable because it’s truly just an exercise in logic; can you conceptualize that experience? if yes, then you have empathized with that person, as you can understand their emotions and thoughts
big agree. i have high empathy (combo of autism and cptsd hypervigilance) and its led me to develop the terrible habit of trying to make everyone stop feeling bad rather than, yknow, letting people feel their feelings and minding my own business sometimes. along with being gullible as all hell lol so if theres a demon war on maybe leave me at home
"Test Your Partner for Narcissism" uhhhh if you have to secretly put your partner through psuedo-psychological tests... I can't say if either of you are narcissists, but one of you is Certainly Weird
The 4 ACTUAL signs you're a narcissist - are you a: 1. Nar - Australian 2. Cis - cisgender 3. Sis - sister 4. T - with all the gossip to spill? It's more likely than you think
narcissist is one of those words that's impossible for me to spell & i have to tell you that you solved this problem for me. you've gifted us a perfect mnemonic
The whole “you can’t be a narcissist if you’re worried you’re a narcissist / narcissists are unable to self reflect” is very similar to something I was told as an autistic person (by professionals too!): you can’t know you’re autistic, autistic people are totally unaware that they’re different. This is BS. It’s also deeply ableist in my opinion. Trust me, if you’re “different,” and you’ve been that way your whole life… you know. Whether it’s through bullying or feeling unable to relate to your peers, you know something is off, and you know it’s probably you.
It's a strange twisting of the phrase "if you're worried that you're a bad person you're probably not a bad person". My therapist would say that to me but the purpose was to help me understand the difference between me acting in a way that hurt someone versus being a hurtful person. It's supposed to help people differentiate action from state of being, and its not meant to be diagnostic. The "narcissist" version of the term hinges on the assumption that narcissists are all bad people.
That phrase does not refer to „being different,“ it refers to Anosognosia. A mental condition in which the person does not know that they have a disease. The vast majority of people with NPD show signs of Anosognosia, along with their NPD symptoms. They do know that they‘ve always been different, yes. But they cannot see how that would translate into an NPD diagnosis. They think they are special.
@@spacegirlfriend42069I also don't think that phrase is true either, people can act in harmful ways (which makes them a bad person in the moment, I suppose) while also worrying about it and feeling remorse.
@@copper1675 That’s sort of a catch-22, though, isn’t it? It can’t be empirically proven because people with NPD who don’t believe they have a mental illness generally won’t seek mental health treatment, and thus won’t get diagnosed. Anosognosia is very real, I’ve experienced it while in psychosis, but I’ve only ever really heard it applied to psychotic disorders and dementia, where the external validation is a lot clearer.
This video does a really great job of explaining how "being a bad person" isn't a mental illness, and the inherent dangers that come with conflating the two. EDIT: Oh, wow. Lotta people who didn't understand literally anything from the video here in my replies...
@@NoelleTakestheSky I'm not so sure that what they're doing is all that similar though. At least, not in some key ways that matter. It has been shown, both historically and scientifically, that pathologizing a group of people can lead to dehumanization, which leads to greater risk of violence/marginalization for said group. They key takeaways from Sarah's vid is that you should always think twice before writing off the validity/humanity of a whole-ass person, and that you need to be extra critical when taking in new "objective" information about a person, type of person, or group of people. "Value human life and try to think critically" are not equivalent to "this group of people is evil and you are morally right to harass/hurt them."
That’s not really true, though. Being a bad person is evidence of a mental illness pretty much always. No one with good mental health acts harmfully toward others
@@DavidJones-ot8quMental illnesses are defined as disturbances in personal thought, emotional regulation or behavior, not one’s treatment of others. Not to mention it is entirely possible and common to harm someone unintentionally
@@merrittanimation7721 Unintentional harm is obviously patently different than what anyone is talking about here. Also, your behavior directly stems from your thoughts and feelings; obviously your treatment of others can and is representative of your mental state
Your story about people assuming you're mean due to autistic traits really resonated with me. I went most of my life undiagnosed, and I constantly had people telling me I was "weird" or "creepy" when 90% of the time I was just existing in public and minding my own business. All my life, I constantly had people treating me like that, and it wasn't until I was in my 30s that a single person earnestly said, "Hey, I think you might be on the spectrum." It was a lightbulb moment for me, and suddenly, my entire life made sense. So yeah, I wish people would "trust their gut" just a little bit less.
I think a point missed in this video in relation to the harm that narcissist content causes is it's ubiquity. I was physically and verbally abused by my mother and physically neglected (ie. my health and hygiene needs were ignored, food and adequate living conditions weren't provided, I was frequently left in unsafe situations etc - not because of lack of financials but because my mother simply didn't care to provide these things). When I was finally able to leave and move into my own place I went in search of resources specifically on the physical neglect I experienced because that was what effected me most, I had already addressed, accepted, and come to terms with the abuse but the neglect still deeply upset me. However when I tried to find support the search results were FLOODED with articles about narcissistic parents emotionally neglecting their children, no matter what I searched for even in academic sources or papers there were 40 or 50 results for narcissistic parents to every 1 or 2 on neglect. And the majority were the same as the examples in this video, utterly devoid of useful advice or any kind of legitimate psychology and about as helpful to anyone who had actually been emotionally abused as they were to me. This kind of pervasive pop-pseudopsychology helps absolutely no one and in fact harms people actually looking for support by making them feel more isolated or like what they've experienced doesn't matter because all of the resources they can reasonably find are about some imaginary battle against demons. My mother wasn't a narcissist, she was just an asshole who shouldn't have had a kid.
Telling people that being a narcissist is a natural unchangeable personality trait runs a big risk of downplaying the harsh reality that we're all capable of being horrible, cruel, or petty people. If you forget that, you're likely to be the next perpetrator.
That’s my BIGGEST gripe with Narcissist Policing, it makes people blind to their OWN capacity for cruelty. Also I think making it a catch all “boogy man” can muddy the waters of people getting help.
That's one of my biggest problems with the big "everyone I dislike is a narcissist" thing that's going around. These people never seem to turn their judgement in on themselves. In their eyes they're inherently good people, and if they ever do any morally dubious things (such as demonising entire groups of people based on what mental illnesses they have) then it's OK because the people they're doing bad things to are inherently evil and therefore deserve it
@@evintydethe big "everyone I dislike is a narcissist" Who exactly are you talking about?victims of abuse, people suffering cptsd, one of the symptoms listed in the dsm is a pervasive feeling that people are out to get you and that you are always in danger I just.. it seems like survivors of abuse have been totally erased from this conversation and its making me sick to my stomach tbh They should be front and center in this conversation Not this "well actually labeling people as bad is what makes someone bad, so if you think about it the real racists are the people pointing out racism!" It's some galaxy brain stuff, truly
I hadn't seen quite how out-of-pocket the narcissism pop-psych is until watching this, but it's done nothing to talk me out of my prior feeling that the subtext for a ton of this content is just an elaborate excuse for people to cope with someone breaking up with them
17:56 As a trans woman who was diagnosed with BPD, I truly feel like I beat the odds in getting the misogynist diagnosis rather than the transphobic one. My psychiatrist found me just as annoying as a cis woman!
This entire “dark empath vs narcissist” trend feels like “I want to be a jerk to people without viewing myself as a bad person so I’m just going to find things I don’t like about people and turn that into an excuse to abuse them while pating myself on the back”. Also anyone else noticed how much this “narcissist experts” tend to push the idea that their viewers are the center of the world? All of them are like “there’s a lot of ontologically evil people in the world and they’re all obsessed with you and jealous of you and they want things from you.” It seems… very ironic
Sarah once said that a lot of peoples' politics are, consciously or unconsciously, based on finding "the right person to hurt." This really feels like an extension of that. And if someone is just Inherently Evil and monstrous, they can be hurt without any guilt on your conscience.
I pay for Nebula but watch all the creators here on TH-cam because (1) they get the ad revenue here and (2) I hate that I can’t make auto play playlists on Nebula, lol
Thank you for this, especially the section about borderline personality disorder. It's true. A BPD diagnosis means you must be manipulative and attention-seeking, and it seriously affects the way you're treated by the medical system - it IS weaponized by doctors against patients. I thought I had BPD for years and honestly thought it meant I was broken beyond repair. People with personality disorders are not inherently bad people, okay?
Someone I love very, very much was diagnosed with BPD. She's one of the most selfless people I know. It's crazy to me that people use disorders to judge someone's character rather than their actions. Having a diagnosis doesn't change who you are, it just gives you the tools to better understand yourself and your reactions.
literally all a "personality disorder" means is that someone has persistent emotional or relationship problems that probably won't respond to medication but might respond to therapy. It should be labeled a "non-psychiatric disorder."
As a bpd girlie, it's rough out here. It took me years to find a therapist who didn't think I was out to get them and I had to start seeing my GP because every psychologist talked down to me like I didn't know my own lived experiences.
I don’t know if she is going to mention it or not (I’m only half way through the video) but it’s also extremely true for ASPD (the proper modern term for sociopathy). Really sucks how it’s portrayed.
@@LordOfElysiumPeople do this mostly because finding an Other to essentialize and demonize helps them convince themselves "I'm a good person, I could NEVER do that" by putting up some boogeyman of ontological evil to blame for everything. It's no different from, say, blaming immigrants for the loss of one's job.
Earlier this year I was accused of being a narcissist because 1, I was saying “we shouldn’t stigmatize cluster B people” and 2. I couldn’t communicate properly, I’m autistic, sometimes that shit is hard.
The most concerning bit here to me are the TikToks about "How to harm your narcissist." Like, why are we trying to torture these supposed narcissists and make them suffer? If they're so dangerous to be around, why are you sticking around to torment them? WHY NOT JUST LEAVE?!
Especially given that, as far as I know, NPD is _caused by childhood abuse._ So either you're flattening a person down into being a one dimensional caricature of a monster before abusing them (because that shit those tiktoks describe is 100% abuse), OR you're doing that while also abusing someone who's already been abused as a kid instead of encouraging them to seek help. Like, what the fuck??? How do these people call themselves "empaths" before openly telling others how they can abuse those branded as monsters?
I disagree with the sentiment of those posts but lets be real, a lot of people looking at those posts live with people they can’t just “leave”, like a parent
You can’t harm a narcissist. They tend to, among other things, have persecution complexes and get off on seeing themselves as victims, and often even see them being “persecuted” as proof that they’re right. Trying to do something feeds them. Ironically, walking away also makes them feel like victims. The best thing you can do is to take care of yourself and walk away. I was raised by an actual factual fucking diagnosed narcissist, and Sarah is fucking grossly wrong in her video on how she’s defending narcissists. She absolutely is. Her concern is to make sure their feelings aren’t hurt by stigmatism while telling us that the thing to do is to discuss the actions and effects, and figure out how to respond, putting it on victims to deal with, rather than putting it on narcissists. Hypocritically, she has fewer credentials than the uncredentialed people she first discussed. Again, I was raised by a narcissist, and this video is one of the most offensive I’ve seen on the subject. Sarah and those who are using narcissism for clicks, like the “how to harm your narcissist” idiots, have never dealt with narcissists (unless they themselves are narcissists), and they need to shut up. Narcissists really and truly hurt people and destroy lives.
I kind of hate how people talk about personality and behaviour like it's a YA magic system. Empathy isn't the force, it's not wizard blood or whatever. Empathy can fail or be overridden in anyone. I've had people call me an empath but I know that my empathy is situational, it's biased, and it's suppressed by my brain if say I want to eat meat, or otherwise interact with a system that causes harm. People aren't just born with the magic "good person" gene or the "evil person" gene.
My empathy is not so suppressable, which is why I don't eat meat. I don't think I'm always as empathetic as I'd like to be, though. Inevitably, my emotions take center stage when I am in a conflict with somebody, and that leads to me to be less empathetic as it's hard to set aside my own feelings in that moment.
A lot of people I know are weaponizing therapy speak and it drives me nuts. It's not all narcissistic abuse or gasligting, some people are just a holes, stop slapping these labels on everyone.
Thank you! someone finally said it! 2 years ago, 2 of my best friends of over 10 years cut me off becuase of my "toxic" behavior, one even calling me out in every class for being a narc, pretty much leaving me all alone and isolated, while thinking i didnt have a heart to break and comparing my crying to Kyle Rittenhouse, yet it lead to me becoming a brief addict on DPH. Hope the people who did this to me rot one day and get what they deserve if they haven't already.
Watched on Nebula a few days ago, I remember turning to my partner about 10 minutes in and saying "I swear if this is fucking Body Language Experts again" and then it turned out it was fucking Body Language Experts again, but this time Conservative Christianity-flavoured
The irony is, I dated an extreme manipulator for a couple of years and he 100% weaponized this new-age narcissism paranoia. There were so many times where I was directly or indirectly called a "narcissist" or accused of "projecting" because I wasn't giving him what he wanted or tried holding him accountable for his behavior. Glad I'm out of that.
Gods, this just reminds me of when I was accused of gaslighting. The accuser had literally told me that I was paranoid for fearing they'd physically attack me after they'd already done so on at least one occasion. Pretty sure the accusation itself was in response to me failing to quote their lies and contradictions chapter and verse, because when I'd tried (at their prior insistence) to record our conversations, they slapped my device onto the pavement.
@@hughcaldwell1034 LOL mine accused me of having Bipolar Disorder. Turns out, my nervous system was having a very normal reaction to him constantly going hot and cold.
Holy crap, labeling yourself as a “doctor” in the mental health field when your phd is in an unrelated field is a HUGE ethical violation - psych degree haver
What are mental health professionals gonna do? Revoke her nonexistent medical license? There's not much professionals can do to censure people who never cared about their standards in the first place. Except maybe lobby the government to make it illegal to do stuff without a license, but it's hard to imagine a law that would stop someone from implying expertise and making videos.
@@elliottloverin I kinda assumed "ethical violation" meant "violated a code of professional ethics" and not just "bad thing". If you just meant a bad thing anyone can do, there are simpler and more accurate ways to convey that.
The thing that really strikes me about all of the "signs" of a narcissist that the creators right at the start warn about are that they're all reasonably common traits for autistic people - keeping your phone to hand, struggling to connect with and look at other people, being low empathy, etc - and it really does highlight how the difference in pathology really can fall down to how "generous" the person diagnosing you is. I wonder how many people's lives would have been radically different if they were given a "kinder" diagnosis, either psychiatrically or interpersonally?
@@clem.starred because its often a comfort object, as well as a tool to communicate that being without can be very distressing. It can allow us a slight shield in social situations that can otherwise be very overwhelming. Its not just autistic people, obviously, but its very very common.
Now with Rachel Zegler, after her 2025 Snow White interview, people are claiming that she is smug and arrogant, she radiates “mean girl energy,” and she is disrespectful to the princess for criticizing an almost 90 yo film. If someone shows proof that she doesn’t hate Snow White, she’s branded as fake and a liar. I even saw someone say that she’s a liar because she’s an actress and gets “paid to lie.” Like it’s not that serious. It’s just a movie. People love to assume the worst of others, especially women, and ESPECIALLY young women.
@@WoodwindBuddies a bunch of things recently. it started when she was getting harassed and stalked by fans and she took to tiktok to basically establish boundaries, and people started calling her a brat who's not cut out for fame. this month she voiced her support for palestine and made the choice to not endorse a political candidate because both sides support israel. liberals on twitter got mad at her and basically accused her of being a republican. after these two things happened, she decided to opt out of a festival she was going to preform at for her mental health. basically people online are scrutinizing her for every move she makes at the moment.
As someone who hated Sleeping Beauty for YEARS because I got a migraine watching it as a child, I personally think you aren't a bad person if you don't like something for any reason in any situation (a teacher gave me a very bad grade for trying to justify my irrational hate lol). Just don't call people who DO like it idiots (which I don't think RZ did?)
It's... its so weird to me how all the people at 12:30 especially the one who straight facedly made the "chosen one" comment dont seem to realize the irony of what they are saying. I will refrain from accusing them of narcissim for the sake of taking this video's message to heart but i gotta say, coining new terms to describe how cool, special and better at people you are sounds exactly like an overinflated sense of self?? Like how does one not spot this in themself? How do they watch the video back and not consider that it comes off a tad hypocritical?
It's the issue with creating a "them vs you" argument in the first place, because people are inclined to put themselves in the good category. As Sarah described, most of this stems from exploitative self-help nonsense designed to make people feel like *they're* always in the right and "it's actually the children who are wrong"
"Narcissists cannot self reflect. Anyway, you personally don't need to self-reflect." "They're manipulative. Anyway, here's how to manipulate them." I think I figured out the hustle.
I've been in trauma therapy unpacking a lifetime of abuse from my mother, and later on from my older sister, for the past couple of years. A key difference in my experience between the internet hivemind and 'expert' content creators (and even TikTok therapists who aren't necessarily maintaining appropriate clinical boundaries in their approach to their audience) is that my therapists have not been interested in diagnosing, pathologizing, or even really labelling my abusers beyond naming their *actions* and *behaviors* in certain situations as abusive and toxic when it's constructive to do so. The therapy is really about their specific actions and behaviors/behavior patterns, my perception of and responses to those things, the inner messaging and beliefs I have about those things and myself as a result of being abused, and my own healing and self-actualization. Whether or not my mother is a narcissist is kind of irrelevant to that work, because I'm focused on my own health and well-being and establishing boundaries to protect those things.
This is so well put. I understand in some ways why we might be tempted towards pathologizing to help make sense of the experiences we had with abusers, but at the end of the day it doesn't matter if they do or don't have NPD. Equating harm and illness is flawed, and is antithetical to our OWN healing process, and ability to work on *ourselves* and introspect. That stigma sets us back, and often leads us to the wrong approaches to safety and healing. This approach is also (in my experience) focused so outwardly at the other persons behaviors, as if we have any control over them and their actions. Healing seems to really be at the roots of the self, and much less about making sense of others choices or inner working. (yes of course there are exceptions to where this can actually be helpful sometimes, but that tends to have more to do with how to effectively, safely and helpfully interact with someone who is struggling with an illness or disorder, and ideally nothing about labelling their "SELF" moralistically.) Having NPD or not is relevant to the other person or abuser though, but that's for the sake of getting care and treatment that is properly structured to help that type of disorder and the schemas and defenses that come from it, like with any disorder. It is not there to malign or demonize people. Also I appreciate your mention of the scope of ethical practice being stepped out of with certain TikToks or other similar type content created by licensed medical professionals. It makes me scared and sad to see that kind of content becoming so popular and appealing to so many people. I watched something similar happen on TH-cam a while ago with labelling everyone people have conflict with a sociopath, with licensed professionals taking part as reinforcements of this, even going so far as to say "I'm not diagnosing from afar, BUT" and then going on to claim they likely have sociopathy and cite a bunch of pseudo-data and body language BS to support their assessment. (This was during the 2010's -ish) I've found veeeeery few counselors who talk about NPD or ASPD with any sort of compassion or actual data and experientially based understanding of personality disorders in general. There are a few, and I try to boost them as much as I see relevant and helpful.
Sorry to hear about your diagnosis! If it helps the medical community and society at large seems to be coming around on BPD as a less stigmatized, treatable disorder. DBT works really well, the stats for BPD have improved a lot, you're not alone, and how your brain learned to respond to emotions and fears does not make you a monster ❤
Fellow borderline here! It’s honestly so exhausting moving through the world as someone with bpd. I’ve had friends who left when they found out I had bpd because “bpd makes you a sociopath” which is ironic considering it’s an emotional regulation disorder meaning most of the time they have heightened empathy. I just want to love and be loved by someone who understands the way my brain works and isn’t pissed off about it
All "Personality disorder" should be taken to mean is "your problems likely won't respond to medication but might respond to therapy." A way better label would be "non-psychiatric disorder."
I knew a whole little squad of people diagnosed with BPD when I went to group therapy. And we all have things to work through, you just happened to get some with a bad rep. It says nothing about your kindness, talents or strengths, and there are hundreds of things that make a person who they are.
Fellow BPD here! You're not a monster! Your feelings are valid! Sure, they might be a little intense, but remember there are people who love you and who are willing to help. You're still you ❤
It's interesting that most of the "tell tale" signs of narcissism listed by most coaches and videos online, are regular autistic people behaviour, like not looking into the eyes, toned down or "mismatched" emotional reactions, etc
Im still just 10 minutes in, but the identifiers for narcissists they give sound like the most ableist or not understanding of neurodivergent people I had ever heard. But then again, a lot of things seen as a negative for neurotipical people are something normal for a neurodivergent person like me. (The fricking eye contact thing for example)
Also if I might add - NPD is a form of neurodivergence. I have it, and tbh I feel a lot of solidarity with people on the autism spectrum, because some of it can look pretty damn similar on the outside
The end when it was antisemitism all along is so sad it come back and is funny again. But the part where you said abuse is not narcissism but misogyny really explain a situation i live. That's goings to live rent free in my brain for the rest of my life.
The fact that people are saying "evil manipulators exist, but you're not one for sure... Now here's how to manipulate and torture these evil people who are just whoever you want" is the most fucked up shit I've ever seen.
I suffered abusive neglect as a child. I have a hard time trusting people. Avoiding eye contact helps keep me from making a connection with someone and having to be vulnerable around them. It makes me feel safe--- and horribly lonely. I'm working on it in therapy, and I'm getting better at it, but it's uncomfortable at best, and I still can't bring myself to do it when I'm having a conversation that requires me to really open up. But total strangers might think they know me well enough to diagnose me as a narcissist--- all because of this coping mechanism designed to stop them from knowing me at all.
"Jezebel" is also a character archetype from minstrelsy which has survived into present-day media, so there's an extra sprinkling of misogynoir on top of the racism and misogyny already discussed. Anyway, I'm going to look for opportunities to use "gray empath with a hint of lime" in conversation.
It has roots all the way back to the Bible, with a corrupt ruler of Israel being named Jezebel, and has been used against beautiful/ powerful Jewish women in anti-Semitic ways as well. So even more bonus racism! 😭
Sometimes it feels like people are trying to pathologize being an asshole. Like when someone is shitty to you, or does shitty things, there has to be something diagnosably wrong with them, rather than the reality that we've all been terrible to someone at some point, and while some people do have disorders that can lead to extreme behaviour, most of the time it's just regular mundane garden variety asshole-ishness. Edit: Dammit Sarah just says it at 14:02, here I thought I was being clever.
I definitely agree! I feel like it's at least partly because if you pathologize why someone hurt you, 1. it can make you feel less guilt (often people who have been hurt worry it was their fault, and saying someone has Does Harmful Things disorder, then they know it wasn't their fault) 2. it separates you from having to accept you can also do bad things. No one wants to think that an average human just like you could commit murder or be abusive or litter, but if you just say they all have Does Harmful Things disorder, you don't have to answer any hard questions about how every human is capable of great harm. I could never be an abuser, because abusers have a disorder that makes them fundamentally different from me (which also annoys me, because like Sarah said, even if someone does have a disorder you can still share traits with them, it's not like they're a different species).
99 times out of 100 when someone complains about a narcissist they just mean someone who's selfish and manipulative. These traits exist in a spectrum and plenty of people are just a normal amount of shitty
You phrased it really well too 😊 A related pet peeve is when folks can't just say "I don't like that person's vibes, so I won't interact with them." Instead they have to figure out some way to label them as "problematic" & "harmful". It's ok to just not like someone, for no apparent reason. No one has to be in the wrong here, you just didn't click with them. It's actually fine to just not really like someone who hasn't wronged you.
I would like to point out for clarity's sake that CPTSD is not in the latest DSM, though many psychologists think that it should be. BPD is also a label overwhelmingly misapplied to women who later discover that they either have ADHD or autism, or both.
That’s a concept heavily challenged in psychology. Many psychologists believe the diagnostic rates are accurate, but skew more heavily toward women for BPD because men, instead of self-infantilization and passive aggression, will more frequently exhibit symptoms of NPD or ASPD, which are typically more masculine in their overt symptoms. Also, I have known people with BPD who love to doctor shop in order to prove to themselves they don’t have BPD
Extremely funny to find the few odd people in these comments reacting violently to the suggestion that "actually maybe we shouldn't write off everyone with this disorder as a subhuman demonic presence best consigned to the depths of hell" Because they see this and think it's tantamount to suggesting that "actually no narcissist has done interpersonal harm ever and even if they did its totally okay" Everything is reduced to "attack" and "defense"
I had a relationship of 5 years with someone who was diagnosed with narcissism by a therapist. He was actually really good to me and we had to break it off because of completely unrelated logistic reasons. His disorder mostly affected himself as he blamed himself for everything going wrong. The way it has affected me was that there were multiple times I didn't feel seen or considered. However, whenever I sat down with him and explicitly shared my perspective and emotions, he listened carefully and responded thoughtfully. Not to discredit snyone who actually did have a harmful relationship with someone with NPD. What helped in his situation is that he had received extensive therapy as a teenager. What people online seem to forget is that people with actual NPD are, well... you know, people.
yeah but it's hard to treat people like they are still just people when they have frequently mistreated you , you can try to understand it, but ultimately there is no excusing it and right or wrong a lot of people associate the abuse they have been through with narcissism
@@Chimeraaas the point is people are going to call their abusers narcissists regardless, it is a somewhat accurate descriptor, a narcissist who has sort therapy should know they are not included when it is described in a negative light cause they recognise the problem and have tried to help themselves, many deny there is even a problem and never seek help
this vid rules, thank you Sarah! as someone with a cluster b personality disorder diagnosis, the stigma i faced was one of the hardest parts of my recovery journey. anyone, with or without a mental illness or neurodivergence is capable of harming or helping others
i just got to the demon part and oh god, I remember when i was first diagnosed with bpd and I was researching the disorder, i found a whole bunch of weird websites claiming bpd was demonic possession. my catholic religious trauma did not like that lmao
I was expecting the diagnosis I was expecting the mis-diagnosis I was kind of expecting the broad generalisations that can apply to anyone I was kind of expecting the use of it to mean "generally bad person" I was not expecting the demons and lizard people.
The part about influencers encouraging people to be awful to “narcissists” and giving tips on how to be terrible because they don’t have hearts is terrible for a lot of reasons, but as a practicing social worker the part that gets me is that clinical narcissists DO in fact feel criticism and even feel it more deeply than the average person. Many clinical narcissists are actually deeply insecure and develop NPD traits to mask that insecurity. Being intentionally toxic to someone with NPD might hurt them even MORE than someone who’s neurotypical even if they don’t show it outwardly.
Everyone -- regardless of age, sex, gender, race, class, political stance -- *everyone* will take the bait of "you are better than this person/group". None of these people want to help narcissists or end narcissism, they just want to be the superior being.
Really good point. I think the prevalence of self-congratulatory empath posting really gives that away. If people really wanted to address the issues with narcissism, they wouldn't spend so much time positing about just how amazing empaths are, and how they're perfect and wonderful and awesome and powerful even when they're dark empaths (which are perfect and wonderful but also dark and mysterious which is even BETTER). It's really difficult to take someone seriously that they're "just trying to stop abuse" when so much of the content is about how great you are- I mean, sorry, how great EMPATHS are
@@SECONDQUEST On the contrary: people used to scream "don't you know how much money I make?" at retail workers. Christianity's whole "at least I'm saved" dynamic. Terminally online leftists calling out those less morally dignified via hate mobs. EVERYONE falls for the "you are better than x person/group" bait. It's recognizing that universal pattern of behaviour and working against it with compassion and critical thinking (critical, not criticizing) that will help everyone out in the long run. People are messy and human, working with always works better than working against. Sarah has a whole section in this vid on the "good and pure empaths vs the dark, evil narcissists" that is a direct example of my first comment. It's like a hydra; if you only focus on one head, you fail to see the rest of the creature strangling everyone else.
i had an online friend who called me a narcissist, insisting that it's not an insult, but simply a fact. when i told her that it hurt me, she said that "of course it does, because you are a narcissist". needless to say, i cut her off. she probably still thinks that i couldn't "handle the truth" or smth
God i know some people who used to do something similar, insisting the r-slur wasn't an insult because it was true. I wish I could tell those folks that insults have context. Calling your best friend a b*tch while laughing your ass off is not the same as practically spitting the word at your worst enemy, or the same as a breeder calling a female dog a b*tch
Personal theory: in addition to the crossover between CPTSD and BPD, I suspect that I'm not the only AFAB person on the spectrum whose disordered responses were labeled BPD because no one was able to recognize my autism. My masking and special interest in human motivation (grown in the toxic soil of "are they making fun of me?") left me exhausted, distrustful and with no consistent reference frame for myself... I got a lot of help through DBT, but in a lot of ways didn't feel like I belonged in a group of other patients who all had much more recognizable childhood trauma while I... didn't. I just struggled with my emotions in relationships and couldn't seem to be a normal adult. My ability to function took an amazing U turn from the moment I recognized myself in a TH-cam video on autism in adult women and decided to do an experiment where I would assume that I was autistic and see if things got easier to navigate. (Without disclosing the theory to anyone around me.)
It's always a little awkward / nervewracking to click on videos like this, but I trust you to be respectful, well-researched, and succinct - and as always, you are. Thank you for your dedication to facts & to understanding. It's refreshing to have someone like you with a platform saying things that the internet needs to hear. ESPECIALLY in regards to things like this - disorders, mental illnesses, disabilities - you carry it with such a palpable air of neutrality & genuineness. It's so refreshing. Thanks as always for the amazing content Sarah, with love from a disorder-riddled disabled freako who scores 0 on empathy tests, silly emoji here. (its the aspd, LOL.)
An ex boyfriend acused me of being a narcisist because I didn't ask follow up questions and because I talked too much about my interests. Turned out I am autistic, and I've spent good chunk of my twenties fighting over the idea that I am a demonic monster that wants to hurt everyone, because he wouldn't lie to me, and these people would be telling the truth. My mental health is still in shambles because of it and I am still deprogramming myself after getting convinced that I am a demon.
Best wishes. It shouldn't need saying, but you are not a demon. You are a human being - getting carried away talking about what you're passionate about is deeply relatable, at least to me. The way I see it, I wish more people dared to do that more often, because it's really a sign that you deeply care about something. If we didn't find it shameful to "care about things too much", the world would be a better place.
I had the same thing happen. I was older and more secure in my identity, thankfully, so I was able to identify what was just the autism, but it's freaky to hear coming from someone you care about.
I know it's not as big of an issue and only semi related, but I found, in my experience, that many people claiming to be under the neurodivergent umbrella also demonize those with cluster b personality disorders. I am in the cluster a camp, but my heart goes out to all of those with a cluster b disorder, none of you deserve to be treated like this.
Being an 80s kid fascinated by the endless parade of moral panics throughout my lifetime, during the first half of this video I was like, "Y'know, I'm really wondering if all this 'personality disorder' fear we have going on is one of the several moral panics gripping us both on- and offline." Little did I know that Sarah had gently taken me by the hand to bring me along on that journey. Incredible. Moral panics are exhausting. I'm autistic and they're a special interest of mine. My current biggest bugbear is the one around fiction right now, but I think "personality disorder moral panic" might get a good spot on the list. Everyone I know or have known who would be slapped with those dx's are all deeply traumatized, abuse survivors, and/or so very clearly un-dx'd ND people (I say that last bit looking at people over 40 who have gaggles of ADHD and Autistic youth and children in their families). Also using body language as a way to identify PDs sure isn't scary as an Autistic person, no siree bob. Nope. Not at all concerning...
thank you for mentioning how disorder labels often exist to uphold patriarchy. i feel that the same beliefs in the olden times of things like "monstrous births", of assigning morality or omenhood to disability, still exist today in how we not just treat physically disabled but the entire view of psychiatry. all the talk about "narcissists", as an autistic person just sounds like the way people talk about autistic people, of us lacking empathy, or faking to be human, not looking in people's eyes, or being a different person in private (unmasking). i find it deeply disturbing how this idea of people has seeped into popular culture, that one can simply "diagnose" you with Evil Person With Bad Intentions Disorder, and this idea go unchecked everywhere but especially in leftist spaces. thank god youre talking about this self help influencer scam that is doing harm to real life people
As someone who has lived with one in the family, like an actual clinical one. Most of it is indeed very much bullshit. Mainly because they don't highlight the grey areas.
For real. I have panic attacks that can be triggered by whatever random thing my brain decided was trying to kill me: termites, taxes, a home repair (all dealt with in therapy). Fuck these people who think being triggered is being slightly off-put. Talk to me when the room starts to sink and you're having shortness of breath and feel like you're dying.
@@samringwald i feel bad for you cause I also feel trigger out of nothing even when I am feeling good. It is such a hellish experience to feel anxiety, trauma, triggers etc
@@samringwald I get ticks with mild triggers. Big ones and I find I'm suddenly on the floor having dissociative flashbacks. I don't even consciously experience "hitting the deck." I just suddenly leap from one place to 20 years ago. I'm sorry you have dissociative triggers. I get them too. The brain panics and shuts out the world to protect itself and it suuucks!
the narcissist/sociopath-as it is understood colloquially-becoming a default for anyone who exhibits “bad behavior” is so interesting. it seems like we continue to concoct newfangled boogeymen to get mad at in attempts to not have to confront the socioeconomic, systemic issues (i.e white supremacy, the patriarchy, capitalism, etc) that actually create & nurture these abusers/ bad actors. it’s much easier to call a man who abuses his position of power a “sociopath”™️-thereby presenting him & others like him as exceptional cases to an otherwise pure world-then to get into the weeds about the reality that allows for that power dynamic to exist in the first place. something that would likely force you to rethink your perspective on the world & your place in it
I mean, antisocial personality disorder (sociopathy) is a thing so we shouldn't dismiss it entirely. But to your point, yeah, the blanket statements made aren't helpful. The problems become 'exceptional bad apples' rather than systemic and mundane.
the colloquial definition is just someone who's selfish, manipulative, and incapable of admitting to mistakes. All of these are pretty normal human behaviors, so it's just a question of extent and how much I dislike you.
Saying aspd I the same as Sociopathy ignores why we Call it ASPD. One is born of criminology which exist to condemn and that has no place in medicine which exists to treat
29:56 I absolutely understand why you mostly left tumblr because some of the things like this ppl say in like youtuber opinion confessions type blogs is WILD. Do They Know you guys are friends with all the male video essayists they think are way better for Some Reason
I've worked in CPS for 15 years now, every failed/abusive mother I meet are obsessed with catching narcissists. Dividing the world into majority narcissists and a minority of allies. It's a very strange phenomenon when you know that the have done to their own children.
Never in a million years did I expect people to legitimately believe that doing the fucking dreamworks face means you’re a terrible person. What the hell is happening with society nowadays I'm so confused
The vocal fringe minority shitposted so much they peer pressured all the normies into being freaks.
I have that smirk. In my case because an impacted wisdom tooth caused nerve damage and paralysed a bunch of the muscles on one side of my face, so I only smile with the other side.
prob the brain damage disease
27:55 "Narcissists can't self-reflect" is a hilariously ironic statement given the condition's mythological namesake lol
Hilarious. Completely over the head 🤣
@@takeurspace4162 Which is exactly what Narcissus ended up in the river
Ahahaha DAMN
Finally being a mythology nerd as a kid is paying off
Its not that they arent capable of it but they refuse to
I just learned I am a narcissist. I hate keeping eye contact, I sleep a lot, I take my phone to the bathroom and I am a woman.
You didn't mention your eyebrows?? How can you be sure without impressive brows??
You’re a woman, that’s all you really had to say
I have thin eyebrows but I have all the other traits so I must be a narcissist
@@ajthewildwolfI think there’s still hope to evict the jezebel spirit from your bosom before she reaches your eyebrows
Ah, shit, me too! Oh gawd and my eyebrows have been out of control!
That’s why her eyebrows are so big. They’re full of dominance.
Unfortunately i just plucked a bunch of dominance out of eyebrows last week. Had I known what I was doing I would have left them untamed and just tweezed my mustache.
I was going to clean my eyebrows up, but now…
Damn, now I’ll know how to look for people to have a good time with
I snorted so hard I hurt myself
LOL
1870s Tik Tok be like:
"TOP 10 signs that YOU are HYSTERICAL! (IF YOU SCORE OVER 1 COMMIT YOURSELF TO THE SANITARIUM!)"
underrated comment
absolute banger comment
Brilliant
Someone call meme mum I need this series
And before that, "Thou hast consorteth with the Devil. Report thyself to the Witchfinder General!"
My eyebrows aren't big because I'm a narcissist, I just don't know how to groom them. I still think I'm better than everyone but completely unrelated
I also think I'm better than everyone, but that also includes my exquisitely groomed eyebrows, so thankfully I don't have to worry about being a narcissist either
Exactly what a narcissist would s_ wait, no…
@@Jayfive276They're self reflecting, they can't be a narcissist !!!
Narcissists don't really think they are better than others, that's just the cope they use to hide their insecurity.
You don't groom your eyebrows? So you think they're fine just the way that you are because you think you're all that and that you're already beautiful AND you want to show off the natural thickness of your hairs? That's VERY narcissistic. SHAME ON YOU! /s
twilight remake where edward is a narcissistic energy vampire and jacob is a dark empath so there's really nothing supernatural going on it's just a weird book centered around pop psychology
Sounds better than the original tbh
I'd read it
That's just 50 Shades of Grey
edward still says "and so the lion fell in love with the lamb"
Best part is, it would be exactly as made up!
jesus it is so validating to hear someone with a platform say "trust your gut" isn't inherently good advice when plenty of people's "guts" are racist/sexist/otherwise terrible
Some people have moral bubbleguts.
Turns out sometimes our gut is run on heuristics (a very fun problematic way our brain tries to make snap decisions/not use too much power that leads to a bunch of biases and mistakes! ;w;)
I found out yesterday that my "gut" was wrong about someone.
Yeah, I think the point - that women who have bad vibes about people should not be dismissed out of hand, that it's okay not to put yourself in situations that *feel* unsafe even if you can't articulate why - has been completely missed. Some people just want their first instinct to be treated as hard evidence.
I was with someone once who'd find ways to read targeted insults into the most mundane interactions and explode at every perceived insult. One of the straws that helped break that camel's back was the time they burst into the room a few hours after the latest tantrum in elation because they'd found an e-book by some ex-navy seal that just said "always trust your gut, it's never wrong" drawn out over 400 pages. They couldn't wait to share the joy of having finally found a guy with a book deal to validate all the rage, to the person who'd been begging them to seek counseling for months. When the joy shared turned out to not be doubled, it was right back to screaming and slamming doors.
The way that idea gets pushed as an unalloyed good comes across so sinister to me. The example above wouldn't realistically be better or worse off without it, but I worry that the way it's sold is only helping push people who could still feasibly be helped over the threshold where it becomes harder and less likely to happen. And judging from the month I spent looking for healthy support groups after that whole thing ended, it is as ubiquitous in those spaces as the idea that you can neatly slot all of humanity into the boxes "narcissist" and "empath". I guess ironically, I count myself lucky that the whole thing seemed so immediately off-putting as to not draw me in. The gut isn't always wrong, after all, just not always right either.
as a person who was abused, the "abusers are evil monsters" idea kept me from realizing it for a long time. cause like. my mom wasnt an evil monster. she was a person. so clearly she couldnt be abusive.
Precisely. This. There are no creepy violins in real life to tell us when a baddie has entered the room. Sorry folks.
TOTALLY. Neither of my parents are evil, just two very hurt, varied levels of unhealed people. That excuses nothing my folks did to me and your folks did to you, and that also doesn't make them rotten to the core.
Right? My mother too was very abusive without meaning to. Our relationship healed up dramatically once i moved out and she had no complete power over me anymore and i had safe spaces to recharge and was able to handle myself. We're good now, i like her
I know this is a deeply unpopular opinion in intellectual spaces and I’m not getting into the drama around the release or anything, but I went to see it ends with us and I actually really liked it because it demonstrates that exact thing really well. I haven’t read the book or anything else by that author so I don’t know to what extent this was intentional, but the movie plays like a really stereotypical rom com, up to and including while the main character is being abused by him. I thought that was really helpful because usually, as soon as a character in a movie acts abusive, they immediately become like a crazed Disney villain. But in reality, the victim is probably still in love with their abuser, and the whole situation still feels like it’s part of their love story, because you’re not conceptualizing your partner as a villain. The movie showed really well how, in the midst of all these sweet and romantic and hot things that seem like they’re a great love story, abuse can be happening too. Your partner isn’t exempt from being an abuser just because they are also the person you love who sometimes treats you really well. That same person can also be abusing you in the midst of everything else. It was honestly an impressively nuanced message that I think shows why people don’t leave so often- they still see their partner as part of their love story, and it doesn’t click in our heads that they could be that and also be an abuser at the same time
Same. I didn’t recognize my father for the narcissist he is for a long time. It was only after my parents divorce and my mother’s statement against him I realized how awful he actually is.
32:40 "how to torture a narcissist through psychological manipulation" is literally a self report. Like, wtf. These people are literally making psychological abuse tutorials. Why would anyone who isn't an abuser want to know this stuff? Its sickening
People who've been hurt get hung up on acting out revenge, instead of wishing the person well, moving on and healing from it
@@marcelusdarcy True but it’s def still messed up😭
My eyes bugged at that part, idk how anyone can say that about another person, no matter how terrible their behavior has been, and not be like am I the baddie?
A victim following these tutorials could end up mistreated even morr when the other person retaliates.
@@marcelusdarcy it doesn't make that behaviour okay though
I would also recommend the video 'I Debunked Every "Body Language Expert" on TH-cam' by münecat, it's fantastic.
You took the words right out of my fingers!
@@DiestroCorleone exactly what i was thinking, her evopsych video is also fantastic
Professor Dave has a bunch of great videos about grifters like the body language folks. Münecat is a boss
Seriously!! I love that video because,as an autistic person‚ body language “experts” being respected in any field seriously scares me. I KNOW those people would accuse me of being evil and a criminal.
@@SECONDQUESTFrom Professor Dave explains? I haven't seen stuff on body lang from him, that makes me excited.
I recently went very low contact with my emotionally manipulative family. I watched some videos of other abuse survivors and it made me feel less alone and reassured me that I wasn't broken. Unfortunately, my feed is now utterly filled with "10 ways YOU can STOP your NARCISSIST MOTHER from RUINING your LIFE!!" It's all clickbait garbage that drowns out the real helpful stuff. Thanks for the video!
It really is - it hurts both the people trying to sort their mental health out with bad information, with shame, with lots of sh-t, with instilling warped and/or hostile attitudes in the people around them. It makes it so hard to find help, especially for someone may not even have the words or knowledge to know what they were dealing with.
It hurts the people around them by making them constantly 'looking for the bad people', looking for that one sign that tells them 'X is a bad person', all with the underlying/additional statement of "...therefore I am a good person because I am not like that and therefore I am justified in disregarding them or dismissing them." It continues the stigma of mental health under the guise of toxic self-image.
Many emotionally abusive parents are genuinely not gonna get better, and it's important to reckon with that fact. But the fact that many people's solution to this upsetting reality is to label their abusive parents and anyone like them as a class of sub-human humans ("narcissists") is sorta missing the point.
A good amount of the time, the reason a family reaches these deeply unhealthy states is because they are using a social construct that allows them to deny the reality of their children (e.g "the parent always is right, and any kids who don't obey are shitty"). Responding to that dehumanization by invoking your own social construct ("narcissism") to dehumanize them is just... deeply backwards. I understand the pain of having shitty parents, but I just cannot understand the obsession with calling all difficult parents "narcissists."
Yup, same here
@@SheilaTheGrate it reinforces this black-and-white thinking which, ironically, soothes the user's own ego the same way they imagine their narcs might. This runs counter to looking at things more objectively (which can be really, really hard to do when your sense of normal was fucked with)
@@mouse9831I have NPD and while I heavily dislike armchair diagnosing sometimes a little voice in my brain goes "oh my god all of these empaths are also narcs" so you're totally on the money I think
this is petty of me, but the other thing that bugs me about this "narcissist" panic (aside from the Everything) is that people keep shortening it to "narc" and normally im all for language evolving and whatnot, but i will die on my petty little hill of "narc" being short for "narcotics officer" and meaning "snitch," thankyouverymuch.
100% I agree lol
The narcissist panic is a psychop by the feds send tweet
also, pronouncing it narc with a hard c is wrong and saying nars sounds like you're using tiktok speak to call someone an arse
You’re right and you should say it!
it should be shortened to narcy
I hate the way the internet has taken the word "empath" and turned it into a super psychic special spiritual ability, no, I have overactive mirror neurones and I get completely overwhelmed by other people's emotions and I struggle to tell them apart from my own. That's not a good or spiritual thing or a superpower, it fucks me up actually
Thank you for saying this. One of us is the same exact way. It's so overwhelming.
@@MxPokirby One of us? Wait are you plural too?
Empathy is a neutral trait. Sometimes it's a good thing that helps me. Sometimes it's a bad thing that makes things difficult for me or even causes me to hurt others. And very often, it's just a thing about me that exists. It's been too conflated with compassion
overactive mirror neurons huh? self diagnosis alert.
I think empath as a supposed psychic ability is older than you give credit for.
18:28 YEP I've been saying this for years!!! I'm someone who was diagnosed with bpd FAR too young (age 14), and ended up diagnosed with Autism at age 26.
A bpd diagnosis is one of the most sexist stigmatised piles of garbage ever, and it almost ruined my life. I hated myself SO MUCH for things that I didn't even realise were mostly out of my control. if the psychiatrist who diagnosed me wasn't already suspended and in prison (for SA) I'd put him there myself.
Bpd and npd are just gendered versions of CPTSD with far too much stigma for them to be useful as diagnoses anymore, and I'll die on this hill.
I should've just watched on for 1 minute and I wouldn't have needed to type out my comment bc you fucking said it!!! yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WE ARE MAKING IT OUT OF THE PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE WITH THIS ONE 🗣🗣🗣
“Narcissists don’t have a heart to break….. so anyways here’s how you hurt their feelings”
genuinely its so bonkers 😭😭😭 "theyre all abusers 😡... now heres how to abuse them 🥰🙏💖"
@@castowhere Exactly yeah, as if the disorder doesn’t stem from having been abused..
"To ward off narcissists, here's how to engage in narcissistic abuse" is what it almost sounded like >.
What’s funny is that my NPD makes me very very sensitive to perceived rejection or criticism, and I spiral into deep shame for days on end. But that’s ‘funny’ to ableists I guess
@@Chimeraaas You are clinically evil. You get what you deserve.
Why are people acting like it's a weird, manipulative thing to act differently in different contexts. That's like one of the most normal kind of social skills
These people are WAAAAAAY too online. It’s sad and crazy. And worse, because they are so online they rarely come to face reality and so they continue habits that exacerbate their paranoia. Its how a lot of conspiracy heads start off.
For that matter, why do people act as if manipulation isn't literally definitionally part of most complex social interactions? It's straight up taught in social skills classes.
Because a lot of the terminally online engage on eliminating any nuance. In this case, not making the distinction between manipulative ladder climbers/two-faced friends and the subtle manipulation of changing your persona in different contexts. It's a hardline, "all manipulation is equally bad" stance drucen by three motivations:
1. Hardline stances do well on social media, as nuance is less digestible and less entertaining among the general population.
2. Our current sociopolitical world does compell a hardline stance to be taken sometimes. Thus, that tendency follows certain people, regardless of context.
3. People, by in large, are bad at philosophical consistency, even when they try. They often reject superficially similar ideas even when context would suggest their differences matter A LOT.
I feel like it's taking an actual problem behavior and describing it in such generic terms that you can't parse it from normal behavior.
The behavior my abusers would do was that they were extremely good at putting on "face". When I left, I literally had friends be like, "How could you leave? Your parents are so nice!" I had to fear people that they could persuade to believe them. One of the most terrible and yet most fortunate moments of my life was when a friend was in the room with me when I received a phone call from them. The phone wasn't even on speaker, but she could hear the screaming. By the time the conversation was done, she had tears in her eyes. She ended up being trustworthy, never questioned that it was real. Meanwhile my mother-in-law was in secret contact with them for like a year before they finally crossed the line too visibly. People who do that kind of change, where they flip from famously kind everyone-trusts-them in public to monsters in private or around those they can abuse without losing social standing (they were horrible to service workers), I feel like that's what this was originally meant to talk about.
@@randomguy019 Also, you forgot that a lot of cultures, especially religious conservative ones, teach absolutist attitudes toward morality. X is always bad without question without context. That kind of thinking is instilled as a control mechanism.
This video is so spot on. I think the only thing missing is mentioning the fact that narcissistic personality disorder is caused BY trauma. This is a really watered down explanation, but basically, no one is born with empathy, empathy generally develops in early or late adolescence (think of the phrase "13 year olds are scary because they don't have a good grasp on the whole empathy thing yet"), and narcissistic traits generally develop because a child was not SAFE ENOUGH to develop empathy during those stages. (This is part of why it's difficult to diagnose minors with NPD; the milestones aren't universal, so maybe your 16 year old just needs a few more months for their brain to wrinkle just right, yknow?)
In my case, I suffered from severe medical problems and medical neglect throughout my entire childhood. I always had to put myself first because if I didn't, I could get extremely ill or even die. I was constantly letting down my friends and my family, but if I had prioritized their feelings instead of my physical health, I would not have survived past age 15, guaranteed. (And no, I wasn't going to feel GUILTY for being sick. Empathy had no place in my need to survive and thrive. Hence, NPD diagnosis.)
So there's ANOTHER layer of ick surrounding how people talk about narcissists because... narcissists are trauma survivors by definition. Why do we have sympathy for people who were abused "by narcissists" but have no empathy whatsoever for narcissists who were imperiled throughout CHILDHOOD?
BINGO.
THANK YOU!! As a fellow ‘narc’, this is a perfect comment, it’s very helpful.
It is honestly kinda dangerous for people to equate vague “symptoms” like not holding eye contact to narcism, and to further equate narcism to abuse. So many of the “symptoms” listed are either not legitimately recognized symptoms of NPD or are commonly overlapping symptoms with other disorders. I understand that some people may take comfort in being able to recognize harmful personality traits based of off a quick glance,
My ex did not abuse me because was evil, demonic, or even narcissistic, or had bushy eyebrows LOL. He abused me for the exact reasons listed in this video. My ex is the painfully human product of his environment who treated me poorly because of what his family made him believe and society allowed. He abused me because I am neurodivergent and did not pick up on many red flags, because he found me annoying, and because he was a misogynist who was convinced he loved women just because he slept with one.
As a person with crippling social anxiety (and possibly on the spectrum although not yet confirmed) the craze for policing people's body language and facial expression really freaks me out. I know from experience that people can and do misread me, sometimes in ways that are wildly different to my perspective.
That’s what I was thinking too. It absolutely can and probably has been used in ways at many times to demonize people who are on the spectrum such as myself.
NOTE: For any who don’t want to read my unexpected rant that I apparently needed to get out of my system you can stop reading here.
And for any of you who may feel the impulse to ask “Is that an ACKTUAL diagnosis or self diagnosis? 🤓” yes I am so you can unclench now.
I get that there are many people that do the stereotypical thing of look up a few traits one time then declare they have X diagnosis which is problem. However there can be many difficult barriers to getting the diagnosis in the first place such as cost for getting it diagnosed late in life. In addition the research autistic people tend to do is extensive and fairly in depth contrary to what people may think when they hear “self diagnosed”. Yet many like I did before my official diagnosis will still even clarify “I’m pretty sure but not officially diagnosed”.
I still am in favor of getting a diagnosis when possible but I tend to be a little more lenient when it comes to people who are not officially diagnosed saying they are autistic.
meh don't worry, hard to imagine a regular person consciously turning off intuition and scrambling to remember some random internet advice when meeting someone new. those who watched these videos forget about them the minute they see a rain frog playing next
@@Korihor666 I agree with this comment in its entirety, I was lucky to be diagnosed (edit: with autism) at age 3. It's a rare fortune to get early treatment. I hold no judgement for the self diagnosed due to the difficulty of getting a diagnosis.
Ditto. Neuro-typicals like to project their own motivations, insecurities, and biases like crazy... It's not just tiring/exhausting, it's potentially dangerous for those who have difficulty conforming (for any reason)...
Ablist bias is baked into the system...
I have the same problem. I also occasionally start worrying, "Shit, am I a narcissist?" but as it turns out, no, I overanalyze myself all the time. I'm just a panicky, nervous introvert.
This is so frightening. I have autism, I don't make eye contact, I'm bad at gift giving and conversation. All of these "tells" seem to be mental illness symptoms and I don't like the weird witch hunt stuff cropping up
And also that part about wearing a mask! It's already hard enough to be autistic. Traits that are typically associated with autism keep getting labeled as this or that negative thing and I'm so tired of it. I'm just screaming from the sidelines "YOU'RE JUST DESCRIBING AUTISM."
Same, a lot of this (which you aptly described as a witchhunt) rings me as ableist
That was pretty much what I was thinking while Sarah was listing the things that are being claimed as 'tells'. Most of them are ASD symptoms.
Actually kinda surprised she didn't point that out, especially since she's autistic herself.
These are the same kinds of people that will refuse to date scorpios. Using the clinical language is the sinister part, but these people are inherently incoherent. At some point, the trend will collapse.
Only a narcissist would have a cool and fancy opening credits sequence.
Edit: Banger video.
NGL, the Jezebel Spirit sounds kinda hot
Like is she single
Thank you so much, I really mean that - I have NPD and I feel like it’s so completely misunderstood, even ‘neurodivergent’ / leftist spaces intentionally shun me when I tell them. I appreciate this video.
People need to get over their shit about personsality disorders, and things like this just piss me off
@@Chimeraaas
so this is why you said I’m the problem.
Not all people are like the person who abused me. But she was certainly the problem. Not me. Maybe read what people say before jumping on them?
I went through abuse. You didn’t do it. The person who did had symptoms of cluster b personality disorders. If you think YOU could maintain a healthy relationship with them, I would say uhhh no one can. But that person is not you. You are your own person and I am not going to assume you must be a monster due to having npd. I’m guessing your notifications are turned off; but I’ll write this anyway.
I have plenty of friends who have npd or bpd traits and who have cptsd. I’m sure I’ve met someone who has npd as a diagnosis and never even knew.
I also know two people who have hurt others and ruined lives because of how severe their symptoms are.
Each case is individual. The tools for dealing with it are similar for similar disorders. That’s the real reason diagnoses exist. To help clinicians help their patients.
You be your beautiful self. Don’t define yourself by a diagnosis. Even npd has some really amazing things about it that can be a plus. Don’t let what other people say determine your experience.
@@icedirt9658 sorry I kinda jumped to conclusions, thank you for writing this response
Leftist that are fine with ableism are the worst
I saw Goodie Proctor not making eye contact at the Devil’s sabbath.
🎉
+
Girl, what were YOU doing at the Devils Sabbath? Sounds like you’re projecting a little, tbh
@@phastinemoon That is _exactly_ what someone who is projecting would say! Skull measurements now; that will settle it.
As someone with NPD I just gotta say, this disorder would be so much cooler if it made me a bushy eyebrowed demon with pitchblack eyes, instead of a broke college student who has a mental breakdown anytime he gets a grade lower than an A.
sameeeeeeee. I want the pitchblack eyes to scare empaths with my evil powers but alas instead I just need to make sure everyone knows I'm the one cleaning up the table out of my own good will after a meal 😔
Nice TF2 pfp
@@gaspardp7314I'm disappointed my trauma-induced lack of empathy and blunted affect hasn't given me the ability to inflict supernatural terror curses on people or anything. Like, damn.
same, that does sound much cooler than whats going on in my life rn lol.
As a victim of someone who decided "nah, mental health isn't real and the NPD diagnosis shouldn't be looked at" I would still, after every weird narcissism-brain-suggestion was considered the _best_ idea without question, would think the diagnosis was enviable if everyone developed physical a demon mode, that sounds sick as hell. (No, I don't think you're inherently evil for the diagnosis, I think the person who actively decided to lean into it in my life was, but not you're not them. You're fine, you're trying to untangle and manage, and that's all anyone should ask for.)
the way that “empathy” has been equated with “kindness” is also deeply troubling, and honestly, i think the way it demonizes people with low empathy is just a byproduct. the other side of that coin allows people with empathy to feel like they have done good just by feeling someone else’s pain, even if they don’t do anything to alleviate that pain, which is very helpful for maintaining the status quo
some of the kindest, most generous people I know are not empathetic
this is precisely why I made the switch from saying "empathy" to saying "compassion" a long time ago. not only is it just a more accurate word choice, but one's level of empathy seems to be more of an innate quality, whereas compassion is... I don't wanna say _entirely_ extrinsic, but it can be taught & learned. it's expressed in how you treat others. in some ways, it's a continuous choice; the state of _being_ compassionate is something someone can strive toward.
You can't give a shit about others feelings if you don't know or care how they feel, which is why autistic people are often rude and blunt.
I actually think empathy is just poorly conceptualized in the mainstream. This idea that you can feel other peoples’ feelings through the airways is just absurd and silly. I think empathy is entirely learnable because it’s truly just an exercise in logic; can you conceptualize that experience? if yes, then you have empathized with that person, as you can understand their emotions and thoughts
big agree. i have high empathy (combo of autism and cptsd hypervigilance) and its led me to develop the terrible habit of trying to make everyone stop feeling bad rather than, yknow, letting people feel their feelings and minding my own business sometimes. along with being gullible as all hell lol so if theres a demon war on maybe leave me at home
"Test Your Partner for Narcissism" uhhhh if you have to secretly put your partner through psuedo-psychological tests... I can't say if either of you are narcissists, but one of you is Certainly Weird
maybe this will be controversial but i see a similar sort of characterization being applied to allistic or neurotypical people in autistic circles
Ok no literally
YUP!!!
.... but making fun of allistics is so entertaining
@@upsetstudios1819 And so is making fun of autistic people according without autism what's your point
especially to other non-autistic neurodivergents. the amount of vitriol directed at people with ADHD is wild
The 4 ACTUAL signs you're a narcissist - are you a:
1. Nar - Australian
2. Cis - cisgender
3. Sis - sister
4. T - with all the gossip to spill?
It's more likely than you think
narcissist is one of those words that's impossible for me to spell & i have to tell you that you solved this problem for me. you've gifted us a perfect mnemonic
Cis- cisgender
sis- sister
T- transgender
NAR LMAOO
seems like the true narcissist slipped right under our radars... it was troye sivan all along
why is nar Australia?
The whole “you can’t be a narcissist if you’re worried you’re a narcissist / narcissists are unable to self reflect” is very similar to something I was told as an autistic person (by professionals too!): you can’t know you’re autistic, autistic people are totally unaware that they’re different. This is BS. It’s also deeply ableist in my opinion. Trust me, if you’re “different,” and you’ve been that way your whole life… you know. Whether it’s through bullying or feeling unable to relate to your peers, you know something is off, and you know it’s probably you.
It's a strange twisting of the phrase "if you're worried that you're a bad person you're probably not a bad person". My therapist would say that to me but the purpose was to help me understand the difference between me acting in a way that hurt someone versus being a hurtful person. It's supposed to help people differentiate action from state of being, and its not meant to be diagnostic. The "narcissist" version of the term hinges on the assumption that narcissists are all bad people.
I got my diagnosis when I was eight and genuinely had no Idea anything was different about me. I just never paid attention to how other people acted😂
That phrase does not refer to „being different,“ it refers to Anosognosia. A mental condition in which the person does not know that they have a disease. The vast majority of people with NPD show signs of Anosognosia, along with their NPD symptoms. They do know that they‘ve always been different, yes. But they cannot see how that would translate into an NPD diagnosis. They think they are special.
@@spacegirlfriend42069I also don't think that phrase is true either, people can act in harmful ways (which makes them a bad person in the moment, I suppose) while also worrying about it and feeling remorse.
@@copper1675 That’s sort of a catch-22, though, isn’t it? It can’t be empirically proven because people with NPD who don’t believe they have a mental illness generally won’t seek mental health treatment, and thus won’t get diagnosed.
Anosognosia is very real, I’ve experienced it while in psychosis, but I’ve only ever really heard it applied to psychotic disorders and dementia, where the external validation is a lot clearer.
This video does a really great job of explaining how "being a bad person" isn't a mental illness, and the inherent dangers that come with conflating the two.
EDIT: Oh, wow. Lotta people who didn't understand literally anything from the video here in my replies...
You’re listening to someone without credentials who blasted others without credentials for doing what she’s doing.
@@NoelleTakestheSky I'm not so sure that what they're doing is all that similar though. At least, not in some key ways that matter. It has been shown, both historically and scientifically, that pathologizing a group of people can lead to dehumanization, which leads to greater risk of violence/marginalization for said group.
They key takeaways from Sarah's vid is that you should always think twice before writing off the validity/humanity of a whole-ass person, and that you need to be extra critical when taking in new "objective" information about a person, type of person, or group of people.
"Value human life and try to think critically" are not equivalent to "this group of people is evil and you are morally right to harass/hurt them."
That’s not really true, though. Being a bad person is evidence of a mental illness pretty much always. No one with good mental health acts harmfully toward others
@@DavidJones-ot8quMental illnesses are defined as disturbances in personal thought, emotional regulation or behavior, not one’s treatment of others. Not to mention it is entirely possible and common to harm someone unintentionally
@@merrittanimation7721 Unintentional harm is obviously patently different than what anyone is talking about here. Also, your behavior directly stems from your thoughts and feelings; obviously your treatment of others can and is representative of your mental state
Your story about people assuming you're mean due to autistic traits really resonated with me. I went most of my life undiagnosed, and I constantly had people telling me I was "weird" or "creepy" when 90% of the time I was just existing in public and minding my own business. All my life, I constantly had people treating me like that, and it wasn't until I was in my 30s that a single person earnestly said, "Hey, I think you might be on the spectrum." It was a lightbulb moment for me, and suddenly, my entire life made sense.
So yeah, I wish people would "trust their gut" just a little bit less.
I think a point missed in this video in relation to the harm that narcissist content causes is it's ubiquity.
I was physically and verbally abused by my mother and physically neglected (ie. my health and hygiene needs were ignored, food and adequate living conditions weren't provided, I was frequently left in unsafe situations etc - not because of lack of financials but because my mother simply didn't care to provide these things). When I was finally able to leave and move into my own place I went in search of resources specifically on the physical neglect I experienced because that was what effected me most, I had already addressed, accepted, and come to terms with the abuse but the neglect still deeply upset me.
However when I tried to find support the search results were FLOODED with articles about narcissistic parents emotionally neglecting their children, no matter what I searched for even in academic sources or papers there were 40 or 50 results for narcissistic parents to every 1 or 2 on neglect. And the majority were the same as the examples in this video, utterly devoid of useful advice or any kind of legitimate psychology and about as helpful to anyone who had actually been emotionally abused as they were to me.
This kind of pervasive pop-pseudopsychology helps absolutely no one and in fact harms people actually looking for support by making them feel more isolated or like what they've experienced doesn't matter because all of the resources they can reasonably find are about some imaginary battle against demons. My mother wasn't a narcissist, she was just an asshole who shouldn't have had a kid.
Telling people that being a narcissist is a natural unchangeable personality trait runs a big risk of downplaying the harsh reality that we're all capable of being horrible, cruel, or petty people. If you forget that, you're likely to be the next perpetrator.
"it's not my fault I'm just like this"
It's already happening.
That’s my BIGGEST gripe with Narcissist Policing, it makes people blind to their OWN capacity for cruelty. Also I think making it a catch all “boogy man” can muddy the waters of people getting help.
I saw a quote somewhere saying "we're all capable of harm, that's what happens when you're a social creature"
That's one of my biggest problems with the big "everyone I dislike is a narcissist" thing that's going around. These people never seem to turn their judgement in on themselves. In their eyes they're inherently good people, and if they ever do any morally dubious things (such as demonising entire groups of people based on what mental illnesses they have) then it's OK because the people they're doing bad things to are inherently evil and therefore deserve it
@@evintydethe big "everyone I dislike is a narcissist"
Who exactly are you talking about?victims of abuse, people suffering cptsd, one of the symptoms listed in the dsm is a pervasive feeling that people are out to get you and that you are always in danger
I just.. it seems like survivors of abuse have been totally erased from this conversation and its making me sick to my stomach tbh
They should be front and center in this conversation
Not this "well actually labeling people as bad is what makes someone bad, so if you think about it the real racists are the people pointing out racism!"
It's some galaxy brain stuff, truly
WHOA WHOA eyebrows *and* a smirk WHY AM I PERSECUTED ???
Me: Wait, this weird social hysteria trend is actually fueled by Christian obsession with the unholy?
Sarah: Always has been.
Kind of contradicts the whole video if you think about it.
@@alexanderf8451 ...no it doesn't?
I hadn't seen quite how out-of-pocket the narcissism pop-psych is until watching this, but it's done nothing to talk me out of my prior feeling that the subtext for a ton of this content is just an elaborate excuse for people to cope with someone breaking up with them
17:56 As a trans woman who was diagnosed with BPD, I truly feel like I beat the odds in getting the misogynist diagnosis rather than the transphobic one. My psychiatrist found me just as annoying as a cis woman!
This entire “dark empath vs narcissist” trend feels like “I want to be a jerk to people without viewing myself as a bad person so I’m just going to find things I don’t like about people and turn that into an excuse to abuse them while pating myself on the back”.
Also anyone else noticed how much this “narcissist experts” tend to push the idea that their viewers are the center of the world? All of them are like “there’s a lot of ontologically evil people in the world and they’re all obsessed with you and jealous of you and they want things from you.” It seems… very ironic
Sarah once said that a lot of peoples' politics are, consciously or unconsciously, based on finding "the right person to hurt." This really feels like an extension of that. And if someone is just Inherently Evil and monstrous, they can be hurt without any guilt on your conscience.
@@joyflameball exactly
I clicked so fast before remembering I already watched this on Nebula. (You deserve the extra view though bestie).
Same here😂
Me too! 😂
I pay for Nebula but watch all the creators here on TH-cam because (1) they get the ad revenue here and (2) I hate that I can’t make auto play playlists on Nebula, lol
ayyyyy fellow nebula supporter
Thank you for this, especially the section about borderline personality disorder. It's true. A BPD diagnosis means you must be manipulative and attention-seeking, and it seriously affects the way you're treated by the medical system - it IS weaponized by doctors against patients. I thought I had BPD for years and honestly thought it meant I was broken beyond repair. People with personality disorders are not inherently bad people, okay?
Someone I love very, very much was diagnosed with BPD. She's one of the most selfless people I know. It's crazy to me that people use disorders to judge someone's character rather than their actions. Having a diagnosis doesn't change who you are, it just gives you the tools to better understand yourself and your reactions.
literally all a "personality disorder" means is that someone has persistent emotional or relationship problems that probably won't respond to medication but might respond to therapy. It should be labeled a "non-psychiatric disorder."
As a bpd girlie, it's rough out here. It took me years to find a therapist who didn't think I was out to get them and I had to start seeing my GP because every psychologist talked down to me like I didn't know my own lived experiences.
I don’t know if she is going to mention it or not (I’m only half way through the video) but it’s also extremely true for ASPD (the proper modern term for sociopathy). Really sucks how it’s portrayed.
@@LordOfElysiumPeople do this mostly because finding an Other to essentialize and demonize helps them convince themselves "I'm a good person, I could NEVER do that" by putting up some boogeyman of ontological evil to blame for everything. It's no different from, say, blaming immigrants for the loss of one's job.
It’s interesting that Sarah gets comments about having bad vibes from people because I get really pleasant vibes from her.
Earlier this year I was accused of being a narcissist because 1, I was saying “we shouldn’t stigmatize cluster B people” and 2. I couldn’t communicate properly, I’m autistic, sometimes that shit is hard.
The most concerning bit here to me are the TikToks about "How to harm your narcissist." Like, why are we trying to torture these supposed narcissists and make them suffer? If they're so dangerous to be around, why are you sticking around to torment them? WHY NOT JUST LEAVE?!
Especially given that, as far as I know, NPD is _caused by childhood abuse._ So either you're flattening a person down into being a one dimensional caricature of a monster before abusing them (because that shit those tiktoks describe is 100% abuse), OR you're doing that while also abusing someone who's already been abused as a kid instead of encouraging them to seek help. Like, what the fuck??? How do these people call themselves "empaths" before openly telling others how they can abuse those branded as monsters?
The "your" narcissist is so funny to me like close your eyes and walk away 💀
How else are you supposed to prove yourself virtuous than by fighting against the enemy?
I disagree with the sentiment of those posts but lets be real, a lot of people looking at those posts live with people they can’t just “leave”, like a parent
You can’t harm a narcissist. They tend to, among other things, have persecution complexes and get off on seeing themselves as victims, and often even see them being “persecuted” as proof that they’re right. Trying to do something feeds them. Ironically, walking away also makes them feel like victims. The best thing you can do is to take care of yourself and walk away. I was raised by an actual factual fucking diagnosed narcissist, and Sarah is fucking grossly wrong in her video on how she’s defending narcissists. She absolutely is. Her concern is to make sure their feelings aren’t hurt by stigmatism while telling us that the thing to do is to discuss the actions and effects, and figure out how to respond, putting it on victims to deal with, rather than putting it on narcissists. Hypocritically, she has fewer credentials than the uncredentialed people she first discussed.
Again, I was raised by a narcissist, and this video is one of the most offensive I’ve seen on the subject. Sarah and those who are using narcissism for clicks, like the “how to harm your narcissist” idiots, have never dealt with narcissists (unless they themselves are narcissists), and they need to shut up. Narcissists really and truly hurt people and destroy lives.
I kind of hate how people talk about personality and behaviour like it's a YA magic system. Empathy isn't the force, it's not wizard blood or whatever. Empathy can fail or be overridden in anyone. I've had people call me an empath but I know that my empathy is situational, it's biased, and it's suppressed by my brain if say I want to eat meat, or otherwise interact with a system that causes harm. People aren't just born with the magic "good person" gene or the "evil person" gene.
"YA magic system" is such an accurate description of all this
My empathy is not so suppressable, which is why I don't eat meat. I don't think I'm always as empathetic as I'd like to be, though. Inevitably, my emotions take center stage when I am in a conflict with somebody, and that leads to me to be less empathetic as it's hard to set aside my own feelings in that moment.
Shaving off my eyebrows so no one can ever accuse me of narcissism ever again
that's extremely attention-seeking behaviour, clearly a narcissist 🤬
A lot of people I know are weaponizing therapy speak and it drives me nuts. It's not all narcissistic abuse or gasligting, some people are just a holes, stop slapping these labels on everyone.
Thank you! someone finally said it!
2 years ago, 2 of my best friends of over 10 years cut me off becuase of my "toxic" behavior, one even calling me out in every class for being a narc, pretty much leaving me all alone and isolated, while thinking i didnt have a heart to break and comparing my crying to Kyle Rittenhouse, yet it lead to me becoming a brief addict on DPH. Hope the people who did this to me rot one day and get what they deserve if they haven't already.
Watched on Nebula a few days ago, I remember turning to my partner about 10 minutes in and saying "I swear if this is fucking Body Language Experts again" and then it turned out it was fucking Body Language Experts again, but this time Conservative Christianity-flavoured
The irony is, I dated an extreme manipulator for a couple of years and he 100% weaponized this new-age narcissism paranoia. There were so many times where I was directly or indirectly called a "narcissist" or accused of "projecting" because I wasn't giving him what he wanted or tried holding him accountable for his behavior. Glad I'm out of that.
Gods, this just reminds me of when I was accused of gaslighting. The accuser had literally told me that I was paranoid for fearing they'd physically attack me after they'd already done so on at least one occasion. Pretty sure the accusation itself was in response to me failing to quote their lies and contradictions chapter and verse, because when I'd tried (at their prior insistence) to record our conversations, they slapped my device onto the pavement.
@@hughcaldwell1034 LOL mine accused me of having Bipolar Disorder. Turns out, my nervous system was having a very normal reaction to him constantly going hot and cold.
That domino meme with “eyes darkening as a figure of speech in literature” and “NARCISSISTS ARE LITERAL DEMONS WITH BLACK EYES” on it
Holy crap, labeling yourself as a “doctor” in the mental health field when your phd is in an unrelated field is a HUGE ethical violation - psych degree haver
What are mental health professionals gonna do? Revoke her nonexistent medical license?
There's not much professionals can do to censure people who never cared about their standards in the first place. Except maybe lobby the government to make it illegal to do stuff without a license, but it's hard to imagine a law that would stop someone from implying expertise and making videos.
@@timothymclean yeah, that’s why I said “it’s an ethical violation” and not “they’re going to get in big big trouble”
@@elliottloverin I kinda assumed "ethical violation" meant "violated a code of professional ethics" and not just "bad thing". If you just meant a bad thing anyone can do, there are simpler and more accurate ways to convey that.
@@timothymclean it can both be a violation of ethics in psychology and not be enforced lol I don’t understand this argument
Pseudoscience always comes back to phrenology eventually, but the demons were a twist I didn’t see coming.
The thing that really strikes me about all of the "signs" of a narcissist that the creators right at the start warn about are that they're all reasonably common traits for autistic people - keeping your phone to hand, struggling to connect with and look at other people, being low empathy, etc - and it really does highlight how the difference in pathology really can fall down to how "generous" the person diagnosing you is. I wonder how many people's lives would have been radically different if they were given a "kinder" diagnosis, either psychiatrically or interpersonally?
Don't come off as rude then
@@SuperRat420shut up.
@@SuperRat420 Like you're doing now?
how is the 'keeping phone to hand' related to autism?
@@clem.starred because its often a comfort object, as well as a tool to communicate that being without can be very distressing. It can allow us a slight shield in social situations that can otherwise be very overwhelming. Its not just autistic people, obviously, but its very very common.
Now with Rachel Zegler, after her 2025 Snow White interview, people are claiming that she is smug and arrogant, she radiates “mean girl energy,” and she is disrespectful to the princess for criticizing an almost 90 yo film. If someone shows proof that she doesn’t hate Snow White, she’s branded as fake and a liar. I even saw someone say that she’s a liar because she’s an actress and gets “paid to lie.” Like it’s not that serious. It’s just a movie.
People love to assume the worst of others, especially women, and ESPECIALLY young women.
YEP i think a similar thing is happening to chappell roan as well
@@enviisyk I’m out of the loop what happened with her
@@WoodwindBuddies a bunch of things recently. it started when she was getting harassed and stalked by fans and she took to tiktok to basically establish boundaries, and people started calling her a brat who's not cut out for fame. this month she voiced her support for palestine and made the choice to not endorse a political candidate because both sides support israel. liberals on twitter got mad at her and basically accused her of being a republican. after these two things happened, she decided to opt out of a festival she was going to preform at for her mental health. basically people online are scrutinizing her for every move she makes at the moment.
As someone who hated Sleeping Beauty for YEARS because I got a migraine watching it as a child, I personally think you aren't a bad person if you don't like something for any reason in any situation (a teacher gave me a very bad grade for trying to justify my irrational hate lol). Just don't call people who DO like it idiots (which I don't think RZ did?)
And especially non white women.
It's... its so weird to me how all the people at 12:30 especially the one who straight facedly made the "chosen one" comment dont seem to realize the irony of what they are saying. I will refrain from accusing them of narcissim for the sake of taking this video's message to heart but i gotta say, coining new terms to describe how cool, special and better at people you are sounds exactly like an overinflated sense of self?? Like how does one not spot this in themself? How do they watch the video back and not consider that it comes off a tad hypocritical?
It's the issue with creating a "them vs you" argument in the first place, because people are inclined to put themselves in the good category. As Sarah described, most of this stems from exploitative self-help nonsense designed to make people feel like *they're* always in the right and "it's actually the children who are wrong"
"Your gut is racist" is my new thing to say to my frinds whenever they complain about ethnic foods 😂
"Narcissists cannot self reflect. Anyway, you personally don't need to self-reflect."
"They're manipulative. Anyway, here's how to manipulate them."
I think I figured out the hustle.
I've been in trauma therapy unpacking a lifetime of abuse from my mother, and later on from my older sister, for the past couple of years. A key difference in my experience between the internet hivemind and 'expert' content creators (and even TikTok therapists who aren't necessarily maintaining appropriate clinical boundaries in their approach to their audience) is that my therapists have not been interested in diagnosing, pathologizing, or even really labelling my abusers beyond naming their *actions* and *behaviors* in certain situations as abusive and toxic when it's constructive to do so.
The therapy is really about their specific actions and behaviors/behavior patterns, my perception of and responses to those things, the inner messaging and beliefs I have about those things and myself as a result of being abused, and my own healing and self-actualization. Whether or not my mother is a narcissist is kind of irrelevant to that work, because I'm focused on my own health and well-being and establishing boundaries to protect those things.
This is so well put. I understand in some ways why we might be tempted towards pathologizing to help make sense of the experiences we had with abusers, but at the end of the day it doesn't matter if they do or don't have NPD. Equating harm and illness is flawed, and is antithetical to our OWN healing process, and ability to work on *ourselves* and introspect. That stigma sets us back, and often leads us to the wrong approaches to safety and healing. This approach is also (in my experience) focused so outwardly at the other persons behaviors, as if we have any control over them and their actions. Healing seems to really be at the roots of the self, and much less about making sense of others choices or inner working. (yes of course there are exceptions to where this can actually be helpful sometimes, but that tends to have more to do with how to effectively, safely and helpfully interact with someone who is struggling with an illness or disorder, and ideally nothing about labelling their "SELF" moralistically.) Having NPD or not is relevant to the other person or abuser though, but that's for the sake of getting care and treatment that is properly structured to help that type of disorder and the schemas and defenses that come from it, like with any disorder. It is not there to malign or demonize people.
Also I appreciate your mention of the scope of ethical practice being stepped out of with certain TikToks or other similar type content created by licensed medical professionals. It makes me scared and sad to see that kind of content becoming so popular and appealing to so many people. I watched something similar happen on TH-cam a while ago with labelling everyone people have conflict with a sociopath, with licensed professionals taking part as reinforcements of this, even going so far as to say "I'm not diagnosing from afar, BUT" and then going on to claim they likely have sociopathy and cite a bunch of pseudo-data and body language BS to support their assessment. (This was during the 2010's -ish) I've found veeeeery few counselors who talk about NPD or ASPD with any sort of compassion or actual data and experientially based understanding of personality disorders in general. There are a few, and I try to boost them as much as I see relevant and helpful.
Just got diagnosed with BPD last month and this feels very needed. Tired of feeling like I'm a monster.
Sorry to hear about your diagnosis! If it helps the medical community and society at large seems to be coming around on BPD as a less stigmatized, treatable disorder. DBT works really well, the stats for BPD have improved a lot, you're not alone, and how your brain learned to respond to emotions and fears does not make you a monster ❤
Fellow borderline here! It’s honestly so exhausting moving through the world as someone with bpd. I’ve had friends who left when they found out I had bpd because “bpd makes you a sociopath” which is ironic considering it’s an emotional regulation disorder meaning most of the time they have heightened empathy. I just want to love and be loved by someone who understands the way my brain works and isn’t pissed off about it
All "Personality disorder" should be taken to mean is "your problems likely won't respond to medication but might respond to therapy." A way better label would be "non-psychiatric disorder."
I knew a whole little squad of people diagnosed with BPD when I went to group therapy. And we all have things to work through, you just happened to get some with a bad rep. It says nothing about your kindness, talents or strengths, and there are hundreds of things that make a person who they are.
Fellow BPD here! You're not a monster! Your feelings are valid! Sure, they might be a little intense, but remember there are people who love you and who are willing to help. You're still you ❤
Omg Sarah it’s been so long
I felt so targeted with the “sleeps a lot, avoidant, long distance relationship”
It's interesting that most of the "tell tale" signs of narcissism listed by most coaches and videos online, are regular autistic people behaviour, like not looking into the eyes, toned down or "mismatched" emotional reactions, etc
Im still just 10 minutes in, but the identifiers for narcissists they give sound like the most ableist or not understanding of neurodivergent people I had ever heard.
But then again, a lot of things seen as a negative for neurotipical people are something normal for a neurodivergent person like me.
(The fricking eye contact thing for example)
Neurotypical people stop demonising neurodivergency challenge
Also if I might add - NPD is a form of neurodivergence. I have it, and tbh I feel a lot of solidarity with people on the autism spectrum, because some of it can look pretty damn similar on the outside
The end when it was antisemitism all along is so sad it come back and is funny again. But the part where you said abuse is not narcissism but misogyny really explain a situation i live. That's goings to live rent free in my brain for the rest of my life.
The real anti-Semite is Zionism, yes, Zionists attack Jews for supporting Palestine with the text that they are not real Jews...
"Narcissists always breathe, because they do not care about oxygen depletion."
The fact that people are saying "evil manipulators exist, but you're not one for sure... Now here's how to manipulate and torture these evil people who are just whoever you want" is the most fucked up shit I've ever seen.
I suffered abusive neglect as a child. I have a hard time trusting people. Avoiding eye contact helps keep me from making a connection with someone and having to be vulnerable around them. It makes me feel safe--- and horribly lonely. I'm working on it in therapy, and I'm getting better at it, but it's uncomfortable at best, and I still can't bring myself to do it when I'm having a conversation that requires me to really open up.
But total strangers might think they know me well enough to diagnose me as a narcissist--- all because of this coping mechanism designed to stop them from knowing me at all.
"Jezebel" is also a character archetype from minstrelsy which has survived into present-day media, so there's an extra sprinkling of misogynoir on top of the racism and misogyny already discussed. Anyway, I'm going to look for opportunities to use "gray empath with a hint of lime" in conversation.
It has roots all the way back to the Bible, with a corrupt ruler of Israel being named Jezebel, and has been used against beautiful/ powerful Jewish women in anti-Semitic ways as well. So even more bonus racism! 😭
Sometimes it feels like people are trying to pathologize being an asshole. Like when someone is shitty to you, or does shitty things, there has to be something diagnosably wrong with them, rather than the reality that we've all been terrible to someone at some point, and while some people do have disorders that can lead to extreme behaviour, most of the time it's just regular mundane garden variety asshole-ishness.
Edit: Dammit Sarah just says it at 14:02, here I thought I was being clever.
Yeah there times where it not some mental illness or the likes, some people are dicks/asshole.
I definitely agree! I feel like it's at least partly because if you pathologize why someone hurt you, 1. it can make you feel less guilt (often people who have been hurt worry it was their fault, and saying someone has Does Harmful Things disorder, then they know it wasn't their fault) 2. it separates you from having to accept you can also do bad things. No one wants to think that an average human just like you could commit murder or be abusive or litter, but if you just say they all have Does Harmful Things disorder, you don't have to answer any hard questions about how every human is capable of great harm. I could never be an abuser, because abusers have a disorder that makes them fundamentally different from me (which also annoys me, because like Sarah said, even if someone does have a disorder you can still share traits with them, it's not like they're a different species).
99 times out of 100 when someone complains about a narcissist they just mean someone who's selfish and manipulative. These traits exist in a spectrum and plenty of people are just a normal amount of shitty
I really think we need to normalize just calling people we don't like assholes and being done.
You phrased it really well too 😊 A related pet peeve is when folks can't just say "I don't like that person's vibes, so I won't interact with them." Instead they have to figure out some way to label them as "problematic" & "harmful". It's ok to just not like someone, for no apparent reason. No one has to be in the wrong here, you just didn't click with them. It's actually fine to just not really like someone who hasn't wronged you.
I would like to point out for clarity's sake that CPTSD is not in the latest DSM, though many psychologists think that it should be. BPD is also a label overwhelmingly misapplied to women who later discover that they either have ADHD or autism, or both.
That’s a concept heavily challenged in psychology. Many psychologists believe the diagnostic rates are accurate, but skew more heavily toward women for BPD because men, instead of self-infantilization and passive aggression, will more frequently exhibit symptoms of NPD or ASPD, which are typically more masculine in their overt symptoms. Also, I have known people with BPD who love to doctor shop in order to prove to themselves they don’t have BPD
Extremely funny to find the few odd people in these comments reacting violently to the suggestion that "actually maybe we shouldn't write off everyone with this disorder as a subhuman demonic presence best consigned to the depths of hell"
Because they see this and think it's tantamount to suggesting that "actually no narcissist has done interpersonal harm ever and even if they did its totally okay"
Everything is reduced to "attack" and "defense"
It's fair, comprehensive video, I just don't want to let the narcissists who do inflict harm to others completely off the hook
@@justheretocommentokdontwan685
you are aware that all people harm and not all people are narcissists? you know that right ?
@@rottenisee2751wow, gee, no I was completely unaware
@@justheretocommentokdontwan685 so why bother making the distinction, if someone does harm, they've done harm
@@VickyHong1879there are specific kinds of harm that are attributed to narcissists though
I had a relationship of 5 years with someone who was diagnosed with narcissism by a therapist. He was actually really good to me and we had to break it off because of completely unrelated logistic reasons.
His disorder mostly affected himself as he blamed himself for everything going wrong. The way it has affected me was that there were multiple times I didn't feel seen or considered. However, whenever I sat down with him and explicitly shared my perspective and emotions, he listened carefully and responded thoughtfully.
Not to discredit snyone who actually did have a harmful relationship with someone with NPD. What helped in his situation is that he had received extensive therapy as a teenager.
What people online seem to forget is that people with actual NPD are, well... you know, people.
yeah but it's hard to treat people like they are still just people when they have frequently mistreated you , you can try to understand it, but ultimately there is no excusing it and right or wrong a lot of people associate the abuse they have been through with narcissism
@@justheretocommentokdontwan685 Doesn't make the association justified. People need to work through their problems without propping up a scapegoat.
@@justheretocommentokdontwan685way to miss the point
@@Chimeraaas the point is people are going to call their abusers narcissists regardless, it is a somewhat accurate descriptor, a narcissist who has sort therapy should know they are not included when it is described in a negative light cause they recognise the problem and have tried to help themselves, many deny there is even a problem and never seek help
@@starchilde8698 true, the "scapegoat" is often likely part of the reason for their problems though
"Why are his eyebrows so big? *They're full of dominance...*"
My eyebrows were always pretty big but they grow in power the longer I'm on testosterone. Am I transforming into a Narcissist werewolf style?
@@crumpettrashgoblinclearly the evil doctors are filling your prescriptions with narcissistic juice, plz hurry before you're unable to go back!!/j
Sounds like crappy fanfic lol😂
@@BryanLu0 "His thick, dominant eyebrows" is 100% the type of writing description I've read before
*Satsuki Kiryuin has entered the chat*
immediately, i am reminded of the jake paul shane dawson “documentary.”
this vid rules, thank you Sarah! as someone with a cluster b personality disorder diagnosis, the stigma i faced was one of the hardest parts of my recovery journey. anyone, with or without a mental illness or neurodivergence is capable of harming or helping others
i just got to the demon part and oh god, I remember when i was first diagnosed with bpd and I was researching the disorder, i found a whole bunch of weird websites claiming bpd was demonic possession. my catholic religious trauma did not like that lmao
I was expecting the diagnosis
I was expecting the mis-diagnosis
I was kind of expecting the broad generalisations that can apply to anyone
I was kind of expecting the use of it to mean "generally bad person"
I was not expecting the demons and lizard people.
Oh there have been folks that legit call b clusters demons and lizard people for decades. It's not a new thing, it's still incredibly damaging though
The part about influencers encouraging people to be awful to “narcissists” and giving tips on how to be terrible because they don’t have hearts is terrible for a lot of reasons, but as a practicing social worker the part that gets me is that clinical narcissists DO in fact feel criticism and even feel it more deeply than the average person. Many clinical narcissists are actually deeply insecure and develop NPD traits to mask that insecurity. Being intentionally toxic to someone with NPD might hurt them even MORE than someone who’s neurotypical even if they don’t show it outwardly.
Narcissist Panic! at the Industrial Complex
+
I Write Signs Not Symptoms
A fever you can’t diagnose
Everyone -- regardless of age, sex, gender, race, class, political stance -- *everyone* will take the bait of "you are better than this person/group". None of these people want to help narcissists or end narcissism, they just want to be the superior being.
Really good point. I think the prevalence of self-congratulatory empath posting really gives that away. If people really wanted to address the issues with narcissism, they wouldn't spend so much time positing about just how amazing empaths are, and how they're perfect and wonderful and awesome and powerful even when they're dark empaths (which are perfect and wonderful but also dark and mysterious which is even BETTER). It's really difficult to take someone seriously that they're "just trying to stop abuse" when so much of the content is about how great you are- I mean, sorry, how great EMPATHS are
ironic tbh
I think sweeping generalizations aren't that helpful when trying to make a point.
"You are not immune to propaganda." Everyone everywhere needs to hear it and believe it.
@@SECONDQUEST On the contrary: people used to scream "don't you know how much money I make?" at retail workers. Christianity's whole "at least I'm saved" dynamic. Terminally online leftists calling out those less morally dignified via hate mobs. EVERYONE falls for the "you are better than x person/group" bait. It's recognizing that universal pattern of behaviour and working against it with compassion and critical thinking (critical, not criticizing) that will help everyone out in the long run. People are messy and human, working with always works better than working against. Sarah has a whole section in this vid on the "good and pure empaths vs the dark, evil narcissists" that is a direct example of my first comment. It's like a hydra; if you only focus on one head, you fail to see the rest of the creature strangling everyone else.
i had an online friend who called me a narcissist, insisting that it's not an insult, but simply a fact. when i told her that it hurt me, she said that "of course it does, because you are a narcissist". needless to say, i cut her off. she probably still thinks that i couldn't "handle the truth" or smth
But how big are your eyebrows
@@NicWeyandthey are pretty thin, but i do have a monobrow. maybe that's where the dominance stored
God i know some people who used to do something similar, insisting the r-slur wasn't an insult because it was true. I wish I could tell those folks that insults have context. Calling your best friend a b*tch while laughing your ass off is not the same as practically spitting the word at your worst enemy, or the same as a breeder calling a female dog a b*tch
Personal theory: in addition to the crossover between CPTSD and BPD, I suspect that I'm not the only AFAB person on the spectrum whose disordered responses were labeled BPD because no one was able to recognize my autism. My masking and special interest in human motivation (grown in the toxic soil of "are they making fun of me?") left me exhausted, distrustful and with no consistent reference frame for myself...
I got a lot of help through DBT, but in a lot of ways didn't feel like I belonged in a group of other patients who all had much more recognizable childhood trauma while I... didn't. I just struggled with my emotions in relationships and couldn't seem to be a normal adult.
My ability to function took an amazing U turn from the moment I recognized myself in a TH-cam video on autism in adult women and decided to do an experiment where I would assume that I was autistic and see if things got easier to navigate. (Without disclosing the theory to anyone around me.)
It's always a little awkward / nervewracking to click on videos like this, but I trust you to be respectful, well-researched, and succinct - and as always, you are. Thank you for your dedication to facts & to understanding. It's refreshing to have someone like you with a platform saying things that the internet needs to hear. ESPECIALLY in regards to things like this - disorders, mental illnesses, disabilities - you carry it with such a palpable air of neutrality & genuineness. It's so refreshing. Thanks as always for the amazing content Sarah, with love from a disorder-riddled disabled freako who scores 0 on empathy tests, silly emoji here. (its the aspd, LOL.)
every person i ever met who had been diagnosed with NPD was more self-aware than everyone who self-identifies as an ~eMpAtH~
Imagine running defense for malignant neurodivergents.
Oh god when Shane Dawson was out here calling himself an empath
@@kesamek8537 Brb on my way to custom order a graphic T that says "Malignant Neurodivergent Squad"
at least people with npd took the time to talk to a professional about it lol
@@kesamek8537 imagine sincerely calling people "malignant neurodivergents" and thinking that's anything but blatant ableism.
An ex boyfriend acused me of being a narcisist because I didn't ask follow up questions and because I talked too much about my interests. Turned out I am autistic, and I've spent good chunk of my twenties fighting over the idea that I am a demonic monster that wants to hurt everyone, because he wouldn't lie to me, and these people would be telling the truth. My mental health is still in shambles because of it and I am still deprogramming myself after getting convinced that I am a demon.
Best wishes. It shouldn't need saying, but you are not a demon. You are a human being - getting carried away talking about what you're passionate about is deeply relatable, at least to me. The way I see it, I wish more people dared to do that more often, because it's really a sign that you deeply care about something. If we didn't find it shameful to "care about things too much", the world would be a better place.
I had the same thing happen. I was older and more secure in my identity, thankfully, so I was able to identify what was just the autism, but it's freaky to hear coming from someone you care about.
"Am I a narcissist? No, it's those other evil people over there that are the narcissists! I'm a pure and pristine spiritual warrior!"
girl if you don’t take a drink of that tea
She does. Just takes a minute lol
I know it's not as big of an issue and only semi related, but I found, in my experience, that many people claiming to be under the neurodivergent umbrella also demonize those with cluster b personality disorders. I am in the cluster a camp, but my heart goes out to all of those with a cluster b disorder, none of you deserve to be treated like this.
Being an 80s kid fascinated by the endless parade of moral panics throughout my lifetime, during the first half of this video I was like, "Y'know, I'm really wondering if all this 'personality disorder' fear we have going on is one of the several moral panics gripping us both on- and offline."
Little did I know that Sarah had gently taken me by the hand to bring me along on that journey. Incredible.
Moral panics are exhausting. I'm autistic and they're a special interest of mine. My current biggest bugbear is the one around fiction right now, but I think "personality disorder moral panic" might get a good spot on the list. Everyone I know or have known who would be slapped with those dx's are all deeply traumatized, abuse survivors, and/or so very clearly un-dx'd ND people (I say that last bit looking at people over 40 who have gaggles of ADHD and Autistic youth and children in their families).
Also using body language as a way to identify PDs sure isn't scary as an Autistic person, no siree bob. Nope. Not at all concerning...
thank you for mentioning how disorder labels often exist to uphold patriarchy. i feel that the same beliefs in the olden times of things like "monstrous births", of assigning morality or omenhood to disability, still exist today in how we not just treat physically disabled but the entire view of psychiatry. all the talk about "narcissists", as an autistic person just sounds like the way people talk about autistic people, of us lacking empathy, or faking to be human, not looking in people's eyes, or being a different person in private (unmasking). i find it deeply disturbing how this idea of people has seeped into popular culture, that one can simply "diagnose" you with Evil Person With Bad Intentions Disorder, and this idea go unchecked everywhere but especially in leftist spaces. thank god youre talking about this self help influencer scam that is doing harm to real life people
As someone who has lived with one in the family, like an actual clinical one. Most of it is indeed very much bullshit. Mainly because they don't highlight the grey areas.
I find it more disturbing that even docotors are cashing in on this scare and exploiting victims of abuse hurt to sell their products.
I hate that pop-culture keeps co-opting clinical language. "No, Karen, you're not _triggered._ You don't even know what that means."
For real. I have panic attacks that can be triggered by whatever random thing my brain decided was trying to kill me: termites, taxes, a home repair (all dealt with in therapy). Fuck these people who think being triggered is being slightly off-put. Talk to me when the room starts to sink and you're having shortness of breath and feel like you're dying.
@@samringwald i feel bad for you cause I also feel trigger out of nothing even when I am feeling good. It is such a hellish experience to feel anxiety, trauma, triggers etc
@@samringwald I get ticks with mild triggers. Big ones and I find I'm suddenly on the floor having dissociative flashbacks. I don't even consciously experience "hitting the deck." I just suddenly leap from one place to 20 years ago.
I'm sorry you have dissociative triggers. I get them too. The brain panics and shuts out the world to protect itself and it suuucks!
Having the grandiosity levels of my eyebrows tested was how I discovered my own narcissism, so don't laugh. Saddest day of my life.
the narcissist/sociopath-as it is understood colloquially-becoming a default for anyone who exhibits “bad behavior” is so interesting. it seems like we continue to concoct newfangled boogeymen to get mad at in attempts to not have to confront the socioeconomic, systemic issues (i.e white supremacy, the patriarchy, capitalism, etc) that actually create & nurture these abusers/ bad actors. it’s much easier to call a man who abuses his position of power a “sociopath”™️-thereby presenting him & others like him as exceptional cases to an otherwise pure world-then to get into the weeds about the reality that allows for that power dynamic to exist in the first place. something that would likely force you to rethink your perspective on the world & your place in it
I think im just gonna screenshot this comment and save it because you're so fucking right.
I mean, antisocial personality disorder (sociopathy) is a thing so we shouldn't dismiss it entirely. But to your point, yeah, the blanket statements made aren't helpful. The problems become 'exceptional bad apples' rather than systemic and mundane.
the colloquial definition is just someone who's selfish, manipulative, and incapable of admitting to mistakes. All of these are pretty normal human behaviors, so it's just a question of extent and how much I dislike you.
Saying aspd I the same as Sociopathy ignores why we Call it ASPD. One is born of criminology which exist to condemn and that has no place in medicine which exists to treat
29:56 I absolutely understand why you mostly left tumblr because some of the things like this ppl say in like youtuber opinion confessions type blogs is WILD. Do They Know you guys are friends with all the male video essayists they think are way better for Some Reason
I've worked in CPS for 15 years now, every failed/abusive mother I meet are obsessed with catching narcissists. Dividing the world into majority narcissists and a minority of allies. It's a very strange phenomenon when you know that the have done to their own children.
You might be a narcissist if you wear coats with too many buckles and use a deck with Blue Eyes White Dragon