I can relate I had a dysfunctional mind games relationship with my dad hot and cold with me. And I only visited now and again and stayed away from his patch of my bro sister and nephew he didn't want me near them. Boy he treated them so well... Me like dirt now and again When he died and I didnt get to see him in hospital missed a call no family came to get me. And they all deserted me too. That's the hard part. I lost 3 siblings and my pysch abusive father that day. Tried to make amends with my brother and assualted me badly. Fucked up a pre spinal injury I had. No crippled wish I had of stayed the fk away period. Whole family is infected and controlled by the father.
Although my father and I have been estranged off and on for years, when he became ill , it was like this might be my last chance to just hear his voice and seek forgiveness. He was in hospice care and nothing was more important in my life but to have that long awaited conversation that somehow I desperately needed. Not much time left, so all the pain I felt through the years was somehow not so important at that moment. I took my father's hand and we prayed. My father was very alert. He refused to take pain medication so he could stay awake so that he could give me all the answers I needed. As we talked our eye contact was fixed on each other. God was right there helping me through this difficult time. You might not understand this but I fell in love with my father all over again. I was so grateful that God gave me such a special gift. I'm so thankful that I had this time with my father. He's gone now. But the forgiveness was for me..not my father
Uggggggh! Sad to say, this is exactly what I didn’t want. It’s always at the end and somehow people who do the most harm gets set free while you’re stuck carrying as you move forward. My parents took it with them and I’m moving on to live the rest of my life beautifully. Forgiveness is a manifestation tool. As soon as I figured that out, I released the bricks from my feet. The ONLY person you can forgive is yourself. People did what they did and they have to live with it, not you.
Beautiful story I appreciate that your father was willing. Mine was also but his new wife was not and would not allow even a phone call returned my cards of caring for his condition. I wanted the chance to tell him that I have loved him from my beginnings but I had all access taken. I'm sure he figured that part out but I never understood why he allowed the disconnect to continue. You were given such a beautiful gift. Be well and stay blessed.
Beware that true narcissists are unable to change and have little empathy, since they are disconnected from themselves and as a result from others. The narcissism is a like an twisted inner shield against their actual self that is traumatized, hurting badly and stuck in development. It is basically impossible to help them or connect with them. You can only tolerate them, or leave them. In my case tolerating my narcissistic parents for too long has crippled me mentally and cost me about 10 years to recover. Eventually, I learned my lesson and left. First step is to be informed. Dr. Ramani has quite the glossary on TH-cam that helped me a lot in understanding narcissism. Also Dr. Gabor Mate helped me to understand trauma. There are some techniques like "gray rocking" or "no contact" that help you (partially/full) shield against a narcissist. Good luck!
Narcissists don't love other people. Facing the fact that my mother didn't love me, and that that wasn't about me, was a revelation that freed me from having to care what she thought about me.
I'm in a similar situation right now. My father died 2 weeks ago. Since mid january he was in a hospital, mostly due to the results of his own life choices. He was an alcoholic and simply a selfish person. That's why my parents divorced when I was very young. He moved to a different country so he didn't really have a connection with me and my younger brother, unless a phone call every now and then is a proper father-son relationship... 2 years ago he moved back and not that long ago he realized he had serious health issues, so suddenly he needed his boys to help him. We didn't want to meet him, but ended up helping him in various ways until he died 2 weeks ago. When I called his family everyone offered condolences, but I felt really weird. It was weird because to me it felt like they lost someone close to them, so sure it's sad, but to me he was more like a stranger. I didn't hate him. Maybe if he was a part of my life I could hate him. No, I didn't feel anything strong, because to me he was a man I used to know 20 something years ago.
Your father's choices were his own. And they were selfish and self serving. He prioritized his wants over a healthy relationship with his sons. It left you and your brother hurt, and there's absolutely nothing you can do about that. But he did give you a gift. A blueprint of what not to do with relationships in your life. Should you or your brother have children, he taught you what it feels like to a son to not have a relationship with his father, so you know how to give your son the best. Not every situation in life has a positive and peppy happy ending. Some really are just life lessons, but rest assured that you did right. Regardless of how poor your relationship was with him, you guys stepped up and offered a hand when the man was in need. A selfless act is hard, but always worth doing. If for nothing else but to know, you were kind. I hope my son will grow up to be as kind as you.
I was always close to my dad but my mom was a narcissist and I finally had to break with her. And I knew she'd make sure that meant breaking with him. So when she finally died, I was happy. When he died, I didn't feel much of anything because he was still angry with me about my mom. It is what it is. Death is inevitable. Eventually I was just glad they were both gone.
Exactly same story here , and my father passed away last September 2022🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻. Selfish and totally distant , torturing me over anything - job / relationship / my free time - and my mother is a totally narcissistic and mean woman . Result : I have thousand of health problems but I also end up being a better person than him or her , so many other people love me back and I can see the world is not only " bad " people 🙏🏻
I recently found out my mother died 8 months after she passed. She was extremely abusive. I left home at 18 and never looked back. My first reaction was relief. My second was forgiveness.
At times the problems are never solved because some people leave to avoid a fight. Thinking they resolved the conflict by leaving everything up in the air, and it grows. Winning is not the solution at this point, and neither is leaving. Follow through to find out what is the freakin problem? If you don't do it sooner, later comes faster than you think...will you have another chance to understand, because making it right is not what we should aim for. Sometimes there's no right or wrong. Understanding and forgiveness is the solution, so we can leave in the end without remorse, and allow the other the same peaceful end. This is a lesson I had to learn the hard way. CarolleN/ Vancouver BC
"Rabonni!" Thanks for posting for us today. God bless you all. My Dad called me today. We speak so briefly all the times. But within the conversation, I felt that he really said," I love you. I miss you. I'm here for you. Just ask." And he always says that, in his own way. I'm very blessed. Thanks again for all you for us, Pescador de Hombres! The Gates of Hades shall not prevail.
I was cosmically compelled to watch this since on Easter Sunday it appeared right next to a video about a WWII battle my Dad fought in. How is that for a message? The second to last week of Dad's life was spent in a hospital. I spent every moment with him there. He had turned mean and self-centered late in life. We rarely got along. During his stay in that hospital he alternately thanked me for being with him and also insulted me. I just shrugged it off as his condition. My lesson was you have to see over the disagreements and think back to the good times since "fixing" the relationship of today is very unlikely. I still do that today. I learned I was blessed to be his son and would not trade for anything. While we did not like each other much at the end, I did find the Dad that I loved. I hope that our challenges can be attributed to him if this story helps anyone in the future. Remember the good times and let that define us.
I found out yesterday afternoon (Friday) following work from a cousin that my Dad died of pneumonia a few days ago at age 75. The loss hasn't sunk in yet but it is devastating primarily because my Dad and I had a falling out many years ago. We spoke probably 3 times in 25 years and things between us was never quite the same. Both he and I have/had a stubborn trait and the guilt and regret of not reconciling is tremendous and overwhelming.
Thank you. I looked this up eight and a half months into dealing with the loss of my husband. This is definitely applicable to my current circumstances.
Also, the Bible tells parents to avoid angering their children. It's right after the verse, "Children, listen to your parent." Love is a two way street.
Ven if it was saying that you should yell at your kids at all times and treat them as slaves-clearly you would be disproved with time and would not only have to change your ways,but would end up being cared for by those abused kids who are now the caregiver and you are left to their senses as you aproach your final hour. Just magic right there.
Both my parents are alcoholic drug addicts, my mum kind of ticking over with a 30 year heroin addiction, a few extremes in an out if prison OD etc. In my life probably 1%. My dads a horrendous alcoholic, like humans can't physically abuse alcohol any worse; 4 or 5 times a year hospital with liver serosis, hallucinating, deaths door. Went on a crack fueled bender an actuelly died 2 weeks but got resuscitated in hospital carpark in glasgow. It turns out my mum got him the crack that contributed to him dying. Im 29, ive dealt with them both particualrly my dad my whole life and this is the first time i feel genuine hate for them. Im ashamed of myself for it but the pain of 20 years of ruin christmasses birthdays holidays, OD's, hospital stays, abuse, suicide attempts and desperate futile years spent trying to change them both.... now culminating in what feels like a coordinated attempt to max out my torture has just flicked a switch in me, like I can say forgivness but I cant feel it anymore. I dont want them to die hating them what can i do
@@carollen5601 That’s beautiful to hear, & how special in that which jordan is to you. I am sure, he is an imprint to many. He is speaking truth. True words are powerful. Like mentioned previous he is a true gift to the face of this earth. God blessed you Jordan.
Exactly. At the 15 minute mark you described my son. I had to let him go because he didnt want the help. He was aiming down. This past week God finally sent the right person and my son went back to work. If it's only for a couple days I will be thankful for those days
There’s someone I felt I had to distance myself from because they kept lying and manipulating me. It also meant that all the major goals I had at the time had to be imploded. It made me question everything and everyone more than I ever have before. On top of that, I thought I was finally close to a win after several failures in my life. I’ve been doing the little things like keep what you can in order but I can’t seem to get past a certain point.
Whoa. This is exactly what I’m going through. Things seemed to be looking up in my life, things were finally going my way. After calling out my father and stepmother on their lies and manipulation, everything crashed all around me. For the longest time my closest relationship was with them, until I discovered the truth of a situation. It’s been a month, I’m feeling so desolate, alone, bitter, resentful. My entire world has been flipped upside down. I feel stuck in this pain.
@@ieattrees8551 It’s completely understandable to feel angry and lonely in that situation. I’ve been reading the Bible lately and becoming more religious. Ever since some unusual things have happened that were subtle but very positive. Maybe it’ll help you. Religious or not, with some faith I don’t think you’ll be stuck for long. I really hope it gets better for you.
Mark Zenith/// perhaps you placed too many expectations on yourself. You are winning by acknowledging your failures. It's ok keep doing the little things which matter a lot. If you have difficulty getting past a certain point, your health may be compromised by stress. You will need to be good to yourself, ease up some. Let others help you, although I have a feeling you're not use to this. Take care
I have experience of this. My mother was a N and impossible, my father joined in. I was estranged after decades of being drained.. I did not go to his funeral it would have meant more life draining struggle with my parent. while I was trying hard to get out of a very difficult time. . I spent quiet hours thinking about him and saying goodbye, and journalling. I had the feeling it was ok now. he even seemed to appear to me to say it was ok, it felt real and that feeling has remained.. I remember the good things. I then spent a long time unravelling the traumas and recovering my self. I wish I had not let the N abuse go on for so long, forever gong back for more until there was nothing left of myself.
Linda Fraser/// with a narcissist you can only take short bouts of it. It takes weeks and longer to recover. You must be very tired and stressed. When not seeing your mom, try sending her greeting cards instead, it's much easier. You may be surprised how good it will make you feel. When your mom passes on, you may also get the same affirmation from her, you got from your dad. Take care. If you need to get in touch with me. Just send me a message or comment.
S K/// the more I read comments, the more mutual it gets. There's so much pain in this world. I understand your daughter lives with her step mother? I don't know the details, but depending on her age, you may have an opportunity later when your daughter gets older. Is she your granddaughter? Depending on your relationship I can't suggest anything. If your daughter is estranged, she will not suffer the way you may think, unless her caregiver is a narcissist. Keep in touch by sending your daughter friendly notes and small gifts, this might ease your pain and give you comfort. It's important you don't give up. Take care
Go try to talk to her. You have to do everything you can to get in contact with her! Otherwise she will suffer if you pass before you have the opportunity to talk. It happened to me with my dad.
I think it’s important to note that if you had a bad parent, that as a child that is NOT your fault. Separate the person from the PARENT. We are upset because they were bad parents and we mourn that we never got what we needed.
Dr Peterson, thank you. I appreciate your thoughtful, clear, and calm responses. There is always a pearl of wisdom to be had. You are helping so many people world wide! Blessings to you and your family.
My father passed away aged 97 four weeks ago. We were estranged for many years . During that time, I felt mostly anger and vowed not to go to his funeral. When I found out he had died it was as if time had stopped and I felt grief. I did attend his funeral and I'm happy I did so. RIP Dad
i suppose in a way i got lucky. my parents divorced before i was born. i barely remember meeting him once when i was 3-4yrs old and all i remember is the smell of the alcohol. never heard anything from him again and i never knew he died until years after the fact when i was doing some family tree research and someone on a forum found an obituary for him. on a personal level i felt nothing. no anger, resentment, etc., it was just "oh, he's dead. i should probably tell mom" and i'm ok with that.
As the comedian George Carlin said ... "Some parents deserve respect ... and some don't." Parents are just people, and if you didn't get along with your parents, I suggest that you don't pretend after they die, that you should have got along with them. The fact that they didn't get along with you, probably bothered them too ... but ... because of differences of opinions ... some things just don't work. So now that your parents are dead ... do you think they would have wanted you to suffer from guilt? If they would, they were not good parents, nor were they worthy of you feeling any guilt. We are all a mess of emotions, and we have to accept ... or not ... that life is just plain "messy." People that suffer from guilt are often hard to be around, as they tend to want to keep beating up on their selves as being wicked or evil, or not worthy of life. In other words, they become a pain in the royal butt. If you're going to choose to suffer guilt ... it's best to do it on your own time, and stay away from other people that have their own problems ... or go to a counselor ... but be careful ... as some of those counselors need counselors of their own. And by the way ... humans are the only animals that stay in contact with offspring. Maybe the other animals were the ones that "got it right."
I appreciated this perspective. I'm wrestling with my own parent relationships. It's super tough. I wanted to say, that unlike the animal kingdom, we rely on our parents for a significantly longer time. We also have societal expectations surrounding family and what those ties mean.
@@sharayahsunshine11 /// Sharayah B./// yes you're right our family ties are significant, although some are so hurt they deny it. Our culture is built within our family bonds. We know some times we can enjoy, other times we need to forgive one another even when apart. Because personally I don't wish to leave this earth with a grudge in my heart.
What about if the parent isn't estranged, but was instead an absentee? I met my father for the first and only time when I was 19. Since then we talked on the phone a few times, but very infrequently. After facing years of pain left by growing up fatherless, I made the decision to try to build a relationship with him, but not six weeks after speaking to him for the first time in years, a relative let me know he had died (not wholly unexpectedly). How do you make peace with the loss of the opportunity to make things right, and how can you fill the void that's been left by never having had a father figure?
Hi, I can relate to your pain. Similar situation for me. I never actually got to meet my dad, he was absent all my life. I was contacted recently by his brother to say he had passed away 11 years ago. It’s a shock because I always wanted to try trace him and rebuild some sort of relationship. Now that opportunity is gone. I’m bitter at not having that relationship in the first place, and also not being able to make contact before he died. Plus I feel guilty I couldn’t make contact. I wish there were more advice out there for complex grief like this 😢
I think it is quite natural to not get along with parents and children. Think about it… if we loved our parents to such an extent, we would never leave them, or grow out in the world. The damage comes from the expectation that we *should* and the guilt that ensues.
I have a physical disability. My father tried to dump me into an orphanage, when I was an infant. My mother prevented that. Yet it wasn't a good move, because of the following consequences. My older sister was physically fit but a relentless religious fanatic. She abused me heavily. My mother had died in 2006 and then all the abuse and narcissism of my father turned on me. I would be a bit better off in an orphanage. The division of the inheritance was a new level of hell. My father used his secret police connections to deprive me of everything. The only way to make peace with such a man is to outlive and bury him... To him all the western values are a grift or insanity. He respects power only and he is absolutely stonewalled fanatic of the regime.
Wow. When you made the agreement with your soul family in heaven to come here and endure the struggles to further the plan, you really took on a Huge hot mess eh? Blessings be upon you. I pray God gives your father a change of heart, so that reconciliation can be made before he goes. I pray that for my Dad too. I don't want to live with this resentment and bitterness, waiting for him to die, to be done with that hateful, narcissistic, raging, demon-possessed prick. I've tried everything. Now I'm giving it up to God. I can't change him, nor do I think I should try anymore. His path, his choices, his lessons have to be learned by him. Apparently the hard way. I believe the challenge, for you and I, is to maintain the love and light in our hearts, despite the attempts of others to tear us down. May your Mom in Heaven continue to protect and guide you.
Hello Jordan Peterson I love you. Love to your effect Tammy. Jordan I can't ever thankyou enough for this video. Thankyou very much for answering this question on thus subject. I wasn't at this event. Iam from Australia iam a highly senstive female. I do remember answering one of your instagram questions and answers. But anyway thankyou for talking about this sad issue. Jordan my parents have hated each other my whole life. I have two siblings a brother and my sister. My sister never had any relationship with my dad. Me and my brother wanted my dad. But my mother and my father both hated each other and their marriage broke up when I was kid. My father left me and my siblings when I was 2 years old. I have had the Adandonment and rejection Wound in me my whole life. My father was Absent during my younger years.me and my mum gave me and my siblings two different stories as to why their marriage broke up. They made me choose sides. And when I was 16 and 17 my dad and I got close. But then my father got Married three times in his life. And living with him and his wife turned into a domestic violence situation. My father was a Prison officer. He got ptsd.i got depression at age 18 when I was living with him. So both of us were struggling with mental illness. Him and his wife were physically and mentally and financially absuive. To me. I took my Dad to court at age 21. Iam 27 now. Taking my Dad to court sadly lead to me and my dad to have seven years with us being enstraged. And then my father was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer he had three Brain tumors. I did reach out to my dad but sadly my dad said he didn't want to see me so I never got to see him in person before he died. He died in August last year. I have been to his final resting place. And tell him what i needed to say to him before he died.now it's Easter it's my first Easter since his death.i miss my father sooo much thankyou sooo much for this video Jordan.
I suspect this advice would work much better in situations where both parties held some level of blame for the estrangement. Sometimes, the Lions share of the guilt belongs to the parent and trying to find ways to blame yourself for the situation will only make things worse. My relationship with my father is not something I can, or would even want to fix. I blamed myself on some level for years after he went down the path that resulted in my family shattering and him ending up incarcerated. Only after years of introspection have I come to the realization that I'm not to blame for his actions and I don't owe him forgiveness.
The forgiveness is for you, not for him. It is not the same as reconciling or accepting the behavior. Forgiveness means you don’t carry the bitterness, anger and resentment. Let it go and forgive.
I recently found out that my biological mother who abandoned me when I was very little and took only my brother with her is no more. I woke up one day and she was gone while my dad was in hospice. Later I got adopted.I kinda hated her all my life but knowing she’s no more made me really sad and it’s heard coping with the loss. I never thought I would be affected by her death like this.
Nature or society tells us that “parental love “ is automatic you get for just being. When that doesn’t happen and you’re abandoned in some way… (I say some way because there are so many ways to abandon a child other than walking away. ) Then you are left asking why ? Well there’s no justification for that kind of cruelty . I wish I could condense all the things I want to say here. Anyway parents have no right to strip a child in that way. I pray you are well that you’re safe and most of all appreciated.
I have finally learned how to honor my abusive parents. I thank God for who they were because it made me who I am. I was young and ignorant when they died and I wont blame myself for what I didnt know because they did not teach me.
My father passed last month. I did not see him 30 years prior knowing his illness. His daughters from a previous relationship, they blocked me from having the relationship with him I had longed for. Unfortunately, he died without me knowing that I loved him and I was a rebellious child, who stayed away wanted him to come to me and not being going to him. At His funeral, his daughters did not acknowledge me and ring-fence him to get access to his wealth. I am hurting, as he will never know I am a kind and loving women now
People often won't awaken to the fact that they need to change until they've hit rock bottom. What some people don't realize, those that are witnessing someone else's spiral downward, is that one person's rock bottom can be much lower compared to your own.
When an individual estranges them self from a family member, I believe, that individual is estranged from a part within them self. Their 16 year old self, the parent they need to be to them self? Estrangement, in my opinion, is abandonment and not the most helpful or whole choice.
How about those family members that have estranged themselves from you over daring to hold a social or political view that is different from them and their herd-following mentality? How can you maintain a non-estranged relationship with those who demand fealty in exchange for affection? Sometimes fighting back is the only option.
Muzzle Velocity/// you wrote "herd following mentality" in your family. This is sad and difficult. Can you remain neutral? You don't need to endorse your views or theirs. To maintain those relationships, you need to be the better person. I know it's hard!! This is the way I engaged in conversation. If approached by them I simply ask them a question about their views...I let them answer, then I say "true enough" I learned this from Dr Peterson...then I leave it at that. If they asked me what I think I say "sure why not" lie if you need to. Do you have any idea how good this feels? It's like forever being in control of your own mind and nobody can destroy that. If they do try, know it all comes down to narcissism. You will need to visit them once in a while. They don't deserve your affection, just your understanding. Never try to derive affection from narcissists, they don't believe you're good enough to love them. Research "narcissism" to better understand their game. Take care.
I remember hearing DVD calling out your name in superchats. Yeah, I don't have much contact with my siblings except the one that I am in political alignment with. That is kind of a divergence that started happening a long time ago and my parents made it worse by being lefties and favoring the kids who were. How stupid can you get. It is interesting how, in many families I know with this kind of dichotomy, the leftists are constantly on about their views and can't shut the H up. But if a conservative says anything, you are an instant pariah. I don't need affection badly enough to believe lies or to pretend like they aren't lies. Sounds like you don't either.
This is difficult, and I'm sorry you're having such a hardship. The best advice that Ive found in my life is this: Strive to contend without being contentious. Not every fight is worth having and many will just be casting pearls before swine, but some battles will need to be fought. You can stand on principle without bringing undue contention. There's a chance that almost all of the contention is coming from the other people, but it's a small chance. Chances are much higher that there are things you can do to improve yourself so that when you do have political conversations, you're not the one bringing hatred and contention to the table. Will this resolve all of your differences? Doubtful, after all, we are in a social civil war. But if you can show love to these family members and they can feel that love despite the severe political differences, that relationship will have more power to humble the others than any amount of facts or logic ever will.
I listened the whole video. I do understand what Jordan Peterson explanation. I am not an an expert but I am relating my own experience with my father that I was thinking that he did not put my brothers & me on the correct path of education...for many years. Until one day I realise what every decision he makes or show us is correct during that time & condition. I must except that as we understand during that time & condition. I forgive my father, and I look at myself to do better choice for my children. That heavy burden lifted for me to move on... I Love You & Forgive You....
How do you manage the grief of losing someone who is aiming down? My father is on his way out. One of the ways (among many) that he's aiming down is refusing to take basic steps to care for himself even though he's been sick for a while now. I'm not interested in reconciling. I've tried and failed in the past. I'm open to analyzing how I've contributed to the situation, but this is not a me problem, he has a bad relationship with all of his close family members at this point. I don't hate him, I've gotten past that, but I don't want a relationship with him. But the though of him passing still saddens me. I'm not so much grieving him as the relationship we should have had. I guess I'm just confused by these conflicting emotions and wondering if there's anything I can or should do while he's still here.
Don’t wait, but see him as much as you can tolerate. My dad is tough to deal with my whole life , so I put up boundaries around how much I can take. Usually that means a phone call once a week. But I see him at least 2x a month and if he ever really needs help I am there. Try to honor yourself , so you don’t feel overwhelmed or taken advantage of. You don’t want to feel like you missed a chance to know him better. He always comes out with very surprising insights. I’ve forgiven him for his faults but because he suffers from PTSD being a vet, he doesn’t have the capacity for more then he can do. It’s challenging, but it sounds like you care so just call him once a week, and see how it goes.
Grieve the loss of what you never had. Accept that it won’t change before he goes. That is what you’re grieving, the father you wish you had. His death will make that final, because the hope that he will change will die with him. It’s so difficult, I’ve been there. A good therapist will be a helpful guide. Hugs.
I don't think it's necessarily fair to blame one person for the cause of the tension. It depends on the two parties involved obviously, but sometimes, you're better off not rekindling because one of the individuals involved is truly irredeemable. Not saying that's true in all cases, but you can't expect everyone to be capable of change.
I'm an agreeable neurotic narcissist. I have real problems but I don't work on them. I'm 0th percentile industrious. I might be too much in love with laziness. Hope I can change.
Do they hurt you deliberately? Then leave them. Do they hurt you involuntarily? That is in principle fixable. What happens if you point out their mistakes / that you are hurt? Are they willing to change? Do they accept your feelings? If not, leave or at least get some distance. Do they instead constantly invalidate, gaslight and control you? Leave. Do they accept that you are your own person with your own path in life, your own feelings, opinions and needs? good. they do not need to agree with you, just accept that it is ok for you to be different. ------------ Basically If they do what personalities from the dark triade do: leave. If they do not threat you as a person: leave. If they are idiots, but able to change: try it. If they are idiots, but unable to change: leave.
Well there are times where you do need to "win" against your spouse. If their thoughts/actions bring harm whether to themselves or others or if it can spread to others and cause harm, then you should win. But it isn't about winning/losing. It's about bringing the best of them out and you learn something about yourself as well. Now if your fights are about whose turn was it to take out the trash and you've had this fight so many times that thoughts of divorce are entering your mind, then just take the damn trash out. Forget the turns and just do it yourself. But don't be a grump about it lol. Life is hard enough as it is and even more so when you are sharing your life with someone else. A marriage is a team sport. You might be the MVP, but you can't claim that you are. Your spouse has to tell you you are for it to mean anything.
I found out that my dad died. I haven't seen him since i was a little girl and don't even know how to find his grave or where he is buried. I blame my mother for him not being in my life
Why do i have to deal with this ,,learn about this.????? My father didnt sitv, hear lectures, aboutbcheating, walkingcaway from family responsibilities. Jeeeez
My mother has tried to commit suicide twice since 2019. I’ve been the one to find her after she ate bottles of pills & have been lucky enough to save her twice by getting EMT’s there quick enough. Her & I never talk about this. I’ve never had a close relationship with my mother. She has a victim mentality & I feel like there’s nothing I can do. I’ve tried & I feel so worried that I won’t be there when she needs me again. What do I do?
How do you deal with losing everyone that you had. My mom, grandma , and grandpa and all with very bad situation which they all had. And you have no one left
I lost lost my first born son 6 weeks later my father a month later a dear friend 6mths later my 3 children's 1/2 brother my aunt the following month and my mother 4 weeks later. In 11mths I lost 3 of the most important people ever in my life. All 6 weren't ill and dying it was all unexpected. My father and I hadn't talked in 7yrs until the day after my son was found a week after he passed by his only lil sister. Now her and I aren't speaking because i set boundaries with her abusing me thru her way of grieving. My other sin works out i rarely see him due to that because hes out of town. I never really grieved myself son by having my father pass suddenly 6wks later. Then like domino's then4 others. It was impossible to grieve. I find myself grieving different ones one day then a few days or month later another one. I'm all mixed up inside and trying to find peace non each its been the hardest thing in my life byfar. Each relationship was different of course, but each was different at the time of their passing than thru the years.😢❤
Mom estranged me. Chose the bottle and her boyfriend. I have no guilt. And my sisters did this to me and my dad because he stuck up for me.that was 20 years ago. Ive forgotten what they look like.
Yeah, I don’t feel stupid for disengaging from my abusive father, I feel stupid for not doing it years ago…..sorry for the morose comment. I really do love your channel.
But how to cope with a dying parent who doesn’t want to stay in hospital, but wants to die at home, in own bed with children around??! How to hold a suffering parent in arms, and not be able to help?? My heart will explode😭
With arrival of death, all can be forgiven, if not now, later. Finality of death shows what it will mean in the end…the only thing one can do is to forgive all especially yourself.
Psychopath and narcissist are two separate and distinct states of being. The easiest way I explain to ppl that confuse the two terms; A victim suffering from narcissistic tendency and mind set is simply and only that… victim. Every narcasist is an abused and somewhat neglected child that haas never known comfort love or peace in the terms that are healthy. The only other thing to know about a narcissist is that you were not qualified to help(lay ppl). I am not qualifiesld to hep no editing. Cough dodo cold…
I agree with Jordan about engaging in rather than avoiding conflict. We are all stupid at times, and we've all said and done things we regret. Sometimes it's impossible but it's always worth trying, as healing is both big hurdle but also one of our most profound lessons. I also have a growing problem with the catch-all word narcissist. Seems every relationship issue comes down to a narcissist. A friend who is a marriage counselor says that 90% of the couples she sees accuse each other of being a narcissist. Are there really that many out there?
What if the parent of the child who broke ties was not abusive and did so much together thru his life then he married and a wife who was the one to initiate the seperation from his parents and taking away grandparent rights . The only reason for seperation was my son had substance abuse issues and the wife's mother is an evangelical religious person who believes all her children and grandchildren and their spouses need to be together without outside relationships such as the man's parent's (mother and father) outside influences we were called. The mother basically wanted all her flock under her. My son was not the only one that was taken away one of her sons married and she broke that marriage up as well. This mother was widowed in 2011 and she began to change. I am still very hurt I am not about to make a scene for her and try to get him and my grandkids back now it has already been 5 years. I did go over 3 years ago to find out why we never hear from them and it was very awkward. My son kept saying "my wife is my best friend and I need to be loyal to her at all times". I have ill health and I may never see him again and there is nothing I can do about that but I fear one day he will have to face what he has done-that is a heavy load for an abusive child to cope with. We were never bad parents.
But i am trying to talk to someone who is undergoing a mental condition before he dies while he is still the person he once was and he ceases to be himself before he becomes a zombie I have to dispose of
What if you haven't done anything wrong and your parents simply used you as a punching bag? Do you have to "atone" for their lack of an ability to provide love, or their lack of willingness to admit wrong? BS.
Well 😊..it's always like this children never understand parents..parents too .. trying telling what's good or not good without let children makes mistake..which it's wrong..if life for boys or girls thinks was bad with father or mother strong discipline..I believe we parents when we came back from other life we will fixed...because of learning from mistake..for all the children..my value it's where you are I was ? Here I am you will come..! that's life..with bad and good 👍 after dead.. nothing's mattress..just if they have good genetic DNA.. regrets..I am agree ..with Peterson don't doit to others what was your experience in family's life..
Wasnt This a direct question Of the passing of an estranged parent(s) and their offspring on how to use deal with that loss?? . How does the none issues with a spouse help the questioner and those interested in the answer? The humor is completely unnecessary in my view. That was a very good question and specific. Thus needing a specific answer if he had one. Which he apparently did not have (SO JUST SAY SO) move into the next question. Was very Disappointed.
The way he ponders his answer so deeply really gets me
This video is for me
My dad passed away 2 days ago
We had a terrible relationship
May him rest in peace
I have no regrets about walking away from my Dad, BUT losing him hurt. Both can be true at once.
I can relate I had a dysfunctional mind games relationship with my dad hot and cold with me.
And I only visited now and again and stayed away from his patch of my bro sister and nephew he didn't want me near them. Boy he treated them so well... Me like dirt now and again
When he died and I didnt get to see him in hospital missed a call no family came to get me.
And they all deserted me too.
That's the hard part.
I lost 3 siblings and my pysch abusive father that day.
Tried to make amends with my brother and assualted me badly.
Fucked up a pre spinal injury I had.
No crippled wish I had of stayed the fk away period.
Whole family is infected and controlled by the father.
I had a addict dad and I just couldn’t see him because it hurts. And now he is dead
@@MP-po6fjI feel your pain today. Mine is a little different but the confusion now on what to do is heavy.
"Stop talking to people who aren't listening"
Although my father and I have been estranged off and on for years, when he became ill , it was like this might be my last chance to just hear his voice and seek forgiveness. He was in hospice care and nothing was more important in my life but to have that long awaited conversation that somehow I desperately needed. Not much time left, so all the pain I felt through the years was somehow not so important at that moment. I took my father's hand and we prayed. My father was very alert. He refused to take pain medication so he could stay awake so that he could give me all the answers I needed. As we talked our eye contact was fixed on each other. God was right there helping me through this difficult time. You might not understand this but I fell in love with my father all over again. I was so grateful that God gave me such a special gift. I'm so thankful that I had this time with my father. He's gone now. But the forgiveness was for me..not my father
Uggggggh! Sad to say, this is exactly what I didn’t want. It’s always at the end and somehow people who do the most harm gets set free while you’re stuck carrying as you move forward.
My parents took it with them and I’m moving on to live the rest of my life beautifully.
Forgiveness is a manifestation tool. As soon as I figured that out, I released the bricks from my feet. The ONLY person you can forgive is yourself. People did what they did and they have to live with it, not you.
Beautiful story I appreciate that your father was willing. Mine was also but his new wife was not and would not allow even a phone call returned my cards of caring for his condition. I wanted the chance to tell him that I have loved him from my beginnings but I had all access taken. I'm sure he figured that part out but I never understood why he allowed the disconnect to continue. You were given such a beautiful gift.
Be well and stay blessed.
How do you apply this to a situation where your mother is a complete immature narcissist? It feels totally hopeless.
Beware that true narcissists are unable to change and have little empathy, since they are disconnected from themselves and as a result from others. The narcissism is a like an twisted inner shield against their actual self that is traumatized, hurting badly and stuck in development. It is basically impossible to help them or connect with them. You can only tolerate them, or leave them.
In my case tolerating my narcissistic parents for too long has crippled me mentally and cost me about 10 years to recover. Eventually, I learned my lesson and left.
First step is to be informed. Dr. Ramani has quite the glossary on TH-cam that helped me a lot in understanding narcissism. Also Dr. Gabor Mate helped me to understand trauma.
There are some techniques like "gray rocking" or "no contact" that help you (partially/full) shield against a narcissist.
Good luck!
Narcissists don't love other people. Facing the fact that my mother didn't love me, and that that wasn't about me, was a revelation that freed me from having to care what she thought about me.
@Frigget the Froge thats not true, he acknowleged at the beginning that there were cases like this...
@@hanswoast7🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🥺
@Frigget the Froge or maybe it has nuance...
I'm in a similar situation right now. My father died 2 weeks ago. Since mid january he was in a hospital, mostly due to the results of his own life choices. He was an alcoholic and simply a selfish person. That's why my parents divorced when I was very young. He moved to a different country so he didn't really have a connection with me and my younger brother, unless a phone call every now and then is a proper father-son relationship... 2 years ago he moved back and not that long ago he realized he had serious health issues, so suddenly he needed his boys to help him.
We didn't want to meet him, but ended up helping him in various ways until he died 2 weeks ago. When I called his family everyone offered condolences, but I felt really weird. It was weird because to me it felt like they lost someone close to them, so sure it's sad, but to me he was more like a stranger.
I didn't hate him. Maybe if he was a part of my life I could hate him. No, I didn't feel anything strong, because to me he was a man I used to know 20 something years ago.
Your father's choices were his own. And they were selfish and self serving. He prioritized his wants over a healthy relationship with his sons. It left you and your brother hurt, and there's absolutely nothing you can do about that. But he did give you a gift. A blueprint of what not to do with relationships in your life. Should you or your brother have children, he taught you what it feels like to a son to not have a relationship with his father, so you know how to give your son the best. Not every situation in life has a positive and peppy happy ending. Some really are just life lessons, but rest assured that you did right. Regardless of how poor your relationship was with him, you guys stepped up and offered a hand when the man was in need. A selfless act is hard, but always worth doing. If for nothing else but to know, you were kind. I hope my son will grow up to be as kind as you.
I was always close to my dad but my mom was a narcissist and I finally had to break with her. And I knew she'd make sure that meant breaking with him. So when she finally died, I was happy. When he died, I didn't feel much of anything because he was still angry with me about my mom. It is what it is.
Death is inevitable. Eventually I was just glad they were both gone.
Exactly same story here , and my father passed away last September 2022🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻. Selfish and totally distant , torturing me over anything - job / relationship / my free time - and my mother is a totally narcissistic and mean woman . Result : I have thousand of health problems but I also end up being a better person than him or her , so many other people love me back and I can see the world is not only " bad " people 🙏🏻
@@darthlaurel thanks for posting. I think I will be glad when my parents die, too. I am so tired of the dysfunction.
@@sagebay2803 I deeply understand that . Their metal problems complicate their children's life so much . Sending lots of encouragement 🙏🏻
I recently found out my mother died 8 months after she passed. She was extremely abusive. I left home at 18 and never looked back. My first reaction was relief. My second was forgiveness.
Thank you. I was looking for advice from someone with a mutual experience.
At times the problems are never solved
because some people leave to avoid a fight.
Thinking they resolved the conflict by leaving everything up in the air, and it grows.
Winning is not the solution at this point,
and neither is leaving. Follow through to find
out what is the freakin problem? If you don't do it sooner, later comes faster than you think...will you have another chance to understand, because making it right is not what we should aim for. Sometimes there's no right or wrong.
Understanding and forgiveness is the solution, so we can leave in the end without remorse, and allow the other the same peaceful end.
This is a lesson I had to learn the hard way.
CarolleN/ Vancouver BC
"Rabonni!"
Thanks for posting for us today. God bless you all. My Dad called me today. We speak so briefly all the times. But within the conversation, I felt that he really said," I love you. I miss you. I'm here for you. Just ask." And he always says that, in his own way. I'm very blessed. Thanks again for all you for us, Pescador de Hombres! The Gates of Hades shall not prevail.
I was cosmically compelled to watch this since on Easter Sunday it appeared right next to a video about a WWII battle my Dad fought in. How is that for a message? The second to last week of Dad's life was spent in a hospital. I spent every moment with him there. He had turned mean and self-centered late in life. We rarely got along. During his stay in that hospital he alternately thanked me for being with him and also insulted me. I just shrugged it off as his condition. My lesson was you have to see over the disagreements and think back to the good times since "fixing" the relationship of today is very unlikely. I still do that today. I learned I was blessed to be his son and would not trade for anything. While we did not like each other much at the end, I did find the Dad that I loved. I hope that our challenges can be attributed to him if this story helps anyone in the future. Remember the good times and let that define us.
I found out yesterday afternoon (Friday) following work from a cousin that my Dad died of pneumonia a few days ago at age 75. The loss hasn't sunk in yet but it is devastating primarily because my Dad and I had a falling out many years ago. We spoke probably 3 times in 25 years and things between us was never quite the same. Both he and I have/had a stubborn trait and the guilt and regret of not reconciling is tremendous and overwhelming.
stay strong brother, we all have our burdens. I'm sure you're dad let those things go. he's probably wishing the best for you somewhere.
Thank you. I looked this up eight and a half months into dealing with the loss of my husband. This is definitely applicable to my current circumstances.
Also, the Bible tells parents to avoid angering their children. It's right after the verse, "Children, listen to your parent." Love is a two way street.
Ven if it was saying that you should yell at your kids at all times and treat them as slaves-clearly you would be disproved with time and would not only have to change your ways,but would end up being cared for by those abused kids who are now the caregiver and you are left to their senses as you aproach your final hour. Just magic right there.
Once we’re adults we’re not longer children and it’s all moot anyway.
Both my parents are alcoholic drug addicts, my mum kind of ticking over with a 30 year heroin addiction, a few extremes in an out if prison OD etc. In my life probably 1%. My dads a horrendous alcoholic, like humans can't physically abuse alcohol any worse; 4 or 5 times a year hospital with liver serosis, hallucinating, deaths door. Went on a crack fueled bender an actuelly died 2 weeks but got resuscitated in hospital carpark in glasgow.
It turns out my mum got him the crack that contributed to him dying.
Im 29, ive dealt with them both particualrly my dad my whole life and this is the first time i feel genuine hate for them. Im ashamed of myself for it but the pain of 20 years of ruin christmasses birthdays holidays, OD's, hospital stays, abuse, suicide attempts and desperate futile years spent trying to change them both.... now culminating in what feels like a coordinated attempt to max out my torture has just flicked a switch in me, like I can say forgivness but I cant feel it anymore. I dont want them to die hating them what can i do
I truly and absolutely adore the both of you and somehow you both make me smile often. You are some wildly special jordan. Amen to you
Joel Hortz/// I agree, Jordan Peterson is the father I never had.
@@carollen5601 That’s beautiful to hear, & how special in that which jordan is to you. I am sure, he is an imprint to many. He is speaking truth. True words are powerful. Like mentioned previous he is a true gift to the face of this earth. God blessed you Jordan.
Exactly. At the 15 minute mark you described my son. I had to let him go because he didnt want the help. He was aiming down. This past week God finally sent the right person and my son went back to work. If it's only for a couple days I will be thankful for those days
Incredible response. You could tell he cared reply about this one
There’s someone I felt I had to distance myself from because they kept lying and manipulating me. It also meant that all the major goals I had at the time had to be imploded. It made me question everything and everyone more than I ever have before.
On top of that, I thought I was finally close to a win after several failures in my life. I’ve been doing the little things like keep what you can in order but I can’t seem to get past a certain point.
Whoa. This is exactly what I’m going through. Things seemed to be looking up in my life, things were finally going my way. After calling out my father and stepmother on their lies and manipulation, everything crashed all around me. For the longest time my closest relationship was with them, until I discovered the truth of a situation. It’s been a month, I’m feeling so desolate, alone, bitter, resentful. My entire world has been flipped upside down. I feel stuck in this pain.
@@ieattrees8551 It’s completely understandable to feel angry and lonely in that situation. I’ve been reading the Bible lately and becoming more religious. Ever since some unusual things have happened that were subtle but very positive. Maybe it’ll help you. Religious or not, with some faith I don’t think you’ll be stuck for long. I really hope it gets better for you.
Mark Zenith/// perhaps you placed too many expectations on yourself. You are winning by
acknowledging your failures. It's ok keep doing the little things which matter a lot.
If you have difficulty getting past a certain point, your health may be compromised by stress.
You will need to be good to yourself, ease up some. Let others help you, although
I have a feeling you're not use to this. Take care
I have experience of this. My mother was a N and impossible, my father joined in. I was estranged after decades of being drained.. I did not go to his funeral it would have meant more life draining struggle with my parent. while I was trying hard to get out of a very difficult time. . I spent quiet hours thinking about him and saying goodbye, and journalling. I had the feeling it was ok now. he even seemed to appear to me to say it was ok, it felt real and that feeling has remained.. I remember the good things. I then spent a long time unravelling the traumas and recovering my self. I wish I had not let the N abuse go on for so long, forever gong back for more until there was nothing left of myself.
Linda Fraser/// with a narcissist you can only take short bouts of it. It takes weeks and longer to
recover. You must be very tired and stressed. When not seeing your mom, try sending her greeting
cards instead, it's much easier. You may be surprised how good it will make you feel. When your
mom passes on, you may also get the same affirmation from her, you got from your dad.
Take care. If you need to get in touch with me. Just send me a message or comment.
Yes. Winning is findjng a better way forward, together. Love wins.
My daughter is estranged from me. Her mother made it her mission in life to alienate her from me.
I hope she doesn't have to suffer in this way...
S K/// the more I read comments, the more mutual it gets. There's so much pain in this
world. I understand your daughter lives with her step mother? I don't know the details,
but depending on her age, you may have an opportunity later when your daughter gets older.
Is she your granddaughter? Depending on your relationship I can't suggest anything.
If your daughter is estranged, she will not suffer the way you may think, unless her
caregiver is a narcissist. Keep in touch by sending your daughter friendly notes and small gifts,
this might ease your pain and give you comfort. It's important you don't give up. Take care
Go try to talk to her. You have to do everything you can to get in contact with her! Otherwise she will suffer if you pass before you have the opportunity to talk. It happened to me with my dad.
I think it’s important to note that if you had a bad parent, that as a child that is NOT your fault. Separate the person from the PARENT. We are upset because they were bad parents and we mourn that we never got what we needed.
Truth to your comment and I see some untruths as well. I hope others can find your points and use them to find some peace.
Love the way Jordan thinks he is so easy and great to listen to . Thank you for sharing this it really helped me
Dr Peterson, thank you. I appreciate your thoughtful, clear, and calm responses. There is always a pearl of wisdom to be had. You are helping so many people world wide! Blessings to you and your family.
A good Easter message. Thank you, Dr. Peterson
My father passed away aged 97 four weeks ago. We were estranged for many years . During that time, I felt mostly anger and vowed not to go to his funeral. When I found out he had died it was as if time had stopped and I felt grief. I did attend his funeral and I'm happy I did so. RIP Dad
Thank you so much for this one. I find myself in the same position
What a wonderful message on this Holy Day! Thank you!
i suppose in a way i got lucky. my parents divorced before i was born. i barely remember meeting him once when i was 3-4yrs old and all i remember is the smell of the alcohol. never heard anything from him again and i never knew he died until years after the fact when i was doing some family tree research and someone on a forum found an obituary for him. on a personal level i felt nothing. no anger, resentment, etc., it was just "oh, he's dead. i should probably tell mom" and i'm ok with that.
As the comedian George Carlin said ... "Some parents deserve respect ... and some don't."
Parents are just people, and if you didn't get along with your parents, I suggest that you don't pretend after they die, that you should have got along with them. The fact that they didn't get along with you, probably bothered them too ... but ... because of differences of opinions ... some things just don't work.
So now that your parents are dead ... do you think they would have wanted you to suffer from guilt? If they would, they were not good parents, nor were they worthy of you feeling any guilt.
We are all a mess of emotions, and we have to accept ... or not ... that life is just plain "messy."
People that suffer from guilt are often hard to be around, as they tend to want to keep beating up on their selves as being wicked or evil, or not worthy of life. In other words, they become a pain in the royal butt.
If you're going to choose to suffer guilt ... it's best to do it on your own time, and stay away from other people that have their own problems ... or go to a counselor ... but be careful ... as some of those counselors need counselors of their own.
And by the way ... humans are the only animals that stay in contact with offspring. Maybe the other animals were the ones that "got it right."
I appreciated this perspective. I'm wrestling with my own parent relationships. It's super tough. I wanted to say, that unlike the animal kingdom, we rely on our parents for a significantly longer time. We also have societal expectations surrounding family and what those ties mean.
@@sharayahsunshine11 Thank you for sharing your experience and I hope things work out well for you.
@@sharayahsunshine11 /// Sharayah B./// yes you're right our family ties are significant, although
some are so hurt they deny it. Our culture is built within our family bonds. We know
some times we can enjoy, other times we need to forgive one another even when apart.
Because personally I don't wish to leave this earth with a grudge in my heart.
@@sharayahsunshine11 are you following which religons ?
What about if the parent isn't estranged, but was instead an absentee? I met my father for the first and only time when I was 19. Since then we talked on the phone a few times, but very infrequently. After facing years of pain left by growing up fatherless, I made the decision to try to build a relationship with him, but not six weeks after speaking to him for the first time in years, a relative let me know he had died (not wholly unexpectedly). How do you make peace with the loss of the opportunity to make things right, and how can you fill the void that's been left by never having had a father figure?
Hi, I can relate to your pain. Similar situation for me. I never actually got to meet my dad, he was absent all my life. I was contacted recently by his brother to say he had passed away 11 years ago. It’s a shock because I always wanted to try trace him and rebuild some sort of relationship. Now that opportunity is gone. I’m bitter at not having that relationship in the first place, and also not being able to make contact before he died. Plus I feel guilty I couldn’t make contact. I wish there were more advice out there for complex grief like this 😢
People spare anyone but their parents for some reason.
I think it is quite natural to not get along with parents and children. Think about it… if we loved our parents to such an extent, we would never leave them, or grow out in the world. The damage comes from the expectation that we *should* and the guilt that ensues.
When my father passed away the only pain I felt was over the loss of what never was. Sadly, I was relieved. With my mother it will be the same.
My takeaway is The death of an estranged parent is an opportunity for self--growth through the process of honest self-reflection.
I have a physical disability. My father tried to dump me into an orphanage, when I was an infant. My mother prevented that. Yet it wasn't a good move, because of the following consequences. My older sister was physically fit but a relentless religious fanatic. She abused me heavily. My mother had died in 2006 and then all the abuse and narcissism of my father turned on me. I would be a bit better off in an orphanage. The division of the inheritance was a new level of hell. My father used his secret police connections to deprive me of everything. The only way to make peace with such a man is to outlive and bury him... To him all the western values are a grift or insanity. He respects power only and he is absolutely stonewalled fanatic of the regime.
I think your father has some PTSD stuff happening.. Just protect and love yourself, your father is beyond help..
Wow. When you made the agreement with your soul family in heaven to come here and endure the struggles to further the plan, you really took on a Huge hot mess eh? Blessings be upon you. I pray God gives your father a change of heart, so that reconciliation can be made before he goes. I pray that for my Dad too. I don't want to live with this resentment and bitterness, waiting for him to die, to be done with that hateful, narcissistic, raging, demon-possessed prick. I've tried everything. Now I'm giving it up to God. I can't change him, nor do I think I should try anymore. His path, his choices, his lessons have to be learned by him. Apparently the hard way. I believe the challenge, for you and I, is to maintain the love and light in our hearts, despite the attempts of others to tear us down. May your Mom in Heaven continue to protect and guide you.
Very, VERY GOOD. Thank you.
Hello Jordan Peterson I love you. Love to your effect Tammy. Jordan I can't ever thankyou enough for this video. Thankyou very much for answering this question on thus subject. I wasn't at this event. Iam from Australia iam a highly senstive female. I do remember answering one of your instagram questions and answers. But anyway thankyou for talking about this sad issue. Jordan my parents have hated each other my whole life. I have two siblings a brother and my sister. My sister never had any relationship with my dad. Me and my brother wanted my dad. But my mother and my father both hated each other and their marriage broke up when I was kid. My father left me and my siblings when I was 2 years old. I have had the Adandonment and rejection Wound in me my whole life. My father was Absent during my younger years.me and my mum gave me and my siblings two different stories as to why their marriage broke up. They made me choose sides. And when I was 16 and 17 my dad and I got close. But then my father got Married three times in his life. And living with him and his wife turned into a domestic violence situation. My father was a Prison officer. He got ptsd.i got depression at age 18 when I was living with him. So both of us were struggling with mental illness. Him and his wife were physically and mentally and financially absuive. To me. I took my Dad to court at age 21. Iam 27 now. Taking my Dad to court sadly lead to me and my dad to have seven years with us being enstraged. And then my father was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer he had three Brain tumors. I did reach out to my dad but sadly my dad said he didn't want to see me so I never got to see him in person before he died. He died in August last year. I have been to his final resting place. And tell him what i needed to say to him before he died.now it's Easter it's my first Easter since his death.i miss my father sooo much thankyou sooo much for this video Jordan.
I suspect this advice would work much better in situations where both parties held some level of blame for the estrangement. Sometimes, the Lions share of the guilt belongs to the parent and trying to find ways to blame yourself for the situation will only make things worse. My relationship with my father is not something I can, or would even want to fix. I blamed myself on some level for years after he went down the path that resulted in my family shattering and him ending up incarcerated. Only after years of introspection have I come to the realization that I'm not to blame for his actions and I don't owe him forgiveness.
The forgiveness is for you, not for him. It is not the same as reconciling or accepting the behavior. Forgiveness means you don’t carry the bitterness, anger and resentment. Let it go and forgive.
I recently found out that my biological mother who abandoned me when I was very little and took only my brother with her is no more. I woke up one day and she was gone while my dad was in hospice. Later I got adopted.I kinda hated her all my life but knowing she’s no more made me really sad and it’s heard coping with the loss. I never thought I would be affected by her death like this.
Nature or society tells us that “parental love “ is automatic you get for just being. When that doesn’t happen and you’re abandoned in some way… (I say some way because there are so many ways to abandon a child other than walking away. ) Then you are left asking why ? Well there’s no justification for that kind of cruelty . I wish I could condense all the things I want to say here. Anyway parents have no right to strip a child in that way. I pray you are well that you’re safe and most of all appreciated.
I have finally learned how to honor my abusive parents. I thank God for who they were because it made me who I am. I was young and ignorant when they died and I wont blame myself for what I didnt know because they did not teach me.
It's just too bad your son wouldn't do thesane to you. Maybe because you're less likeable ? 🤷
My father passed last month. I did not see him 30 years prior knowing his illness. His daughters from a previous relationship, they blocked me from having the relationship with him I had longed for. Unfortunately, he died without me knowing that I loved him and I was a rebellious child, who stayed away wanted him to come to me and not being going to him. At His funeral, his daughters did not acknowledge me and ring-fence him to get access to his wealth. I am hurting, as he will never know I am a kind and loving women now
My dad has a usi e family trucking him and keeping him from me.....we r not alone.....praying 4 u kindred spirit .....
People often won't awaken to the fact that they need to change until they've hit rock bottom. What some people don't realize, those that are witnessing someone else's spiral downward, is that one person's rock bottom can be much lower compared to your own.
For a lot of people, rock bottom is death.
@@Gemmarose9012some people’s rock bottom are worse than death,
When an individual estranges them self from a family member, I believe, that individual is estranged from a part within them self. Their 16 year old self, the parent they need to be to them self? Estrangement, in my opinion, is abandonment and not the most helpful or whole choice.
Thankfully, that’s nothing more than your opinion.
What a beautiful share to encourage peace ❤
How about those family members that have estranged themselves from you over daring to hold a social or political view that is different from them and their herd-following mentality? How can you maintain a non-estranged relationship with those who demand fealty in exchange for affection? Sometimes fighting back is the only option.
Well they're stupid. Politics is sticking to one constructed viewpoint. Wise people know the road bends right and left..
Muzzle Velocity/// you wrote "herd following mentality" in your family. This is sad and difficult.
Can you remain neutral? You don't need to endorse your views or theirs. To maintain those
relationships, you need to be the better person. I know it's hard!! This is the way I engaged
in conversation. If approached by them I simply ask them a question about their views...I let them answer, then I say "true enough" I learned this from Dr Peterson...then I leave it at that.
If they asked me what I think I say "sure why not" lie if you need to. Do you have any idea how
good this feels? It's like forever being in control of your own mind and nobody can destroy that.
If they do try, know it all comes down to narcissism. You will need to visit them once in a while.
They don't deserve your affection, just your understanding. Never try to derive affection from
narcissists, they don't believe you're good enough to love them. Research "narcissism" to better
understand their game. Take care.
I remember hearing DVD calling out your name in superchats. Yeah, I don't have much contact with my siblings except the one that I am in political alignment with. That is kind of a divergence that started happening a long time ago and my parents made it worse by being lefties and favoring the kids who were. How stupid can you get. It is interesting how, in many families I know with this kind of dichotomy, the leftists are constantly on about their views and can't shut the H up. But if a conservative says anything, you are an instant pariah. I don't need affection badly enough to believe lies or to pretend like they aren't lies. Sounds like you don't either.
This is difficult, and I'm sorry you're having such a hardship. The best advice that Ive found in my life is this: Strive to contend without being contentious. Not every fight is worth having and many will just be casting pearls before swine, but some battles will need to be fought. You can stand on principle without bringing undue contention. There's a chance that almost all of the contention is coming from the other people, but it's a small chance. Chances are much higher that there are things you can do to improve yourself so that when you do have political conversations, you're not the one bringing hatred and contention to the table. Will this resolve all of your differences? Doubtful, after all, we are in a social civil war. But if you can show love to these family members and they can feel that love despite the severe political differences, that relationship will have more power to humble the others than any amount of facts or logic ever will.
I listened the whole video.
I do understand what Jordan Peterson explanation.
I am not an an expert but I am relating my own experience with my father that I was thinking that he did not put my brothers & me on the correct path of education...for many years.
Until one day I realise what every decision he makes or show us is correct during that time & condition. I must except that as we understand during that time & condition.
I forgive my father, and I look at myself to do better choice for my children. That heavy burden lifted for me to move on...
I Love You & Forgive You....
Forgiveness frees you. I understand this. Took me so long to forgive but it released the burden that was festering in me. I'm glad you found peace.
How do you manage the grief of losing someone who is aiming down?
My father is on his way out. One of the ways (among many) that he's aiming down is refusing to take basic steps to care for himself even though he's been sick for a while now.
I'm not interested in reconciling. I've tried and failed in the past. I'm open to analyzing how I've contributed to the situation, but this is not a me problem, he has a bad relationship with all of his close family members at this point.
I don't hate him, I've gotten past that, but I don't want a relationship with him. But the though of him passing still saddens me. I'm not so much grieving him as the relationship we should have had.
I guess I'm just confused by these conflicting emotions and wondering if there's anything I can or should do while he's still here.
Don’t wait, but see him as much as you can tolerate. My dad is tough to deal with my whole life , so I put up boundaries around how much I can take. Usually that means a phone call once a week. But I see him at least 2x a month and if he ever really needs help I am there. Try to honor yourself , so you don’t feel overwhelmed or taken advantage of. You don’t want to feel like you missed a chance to know him better. He always comes out with very surprising insights. I’ve forgiven him for his faults but because he suffers from PTSD being a vet, he doesn’t have the capacity for more then he can do. It’s challenging, but it sounds like you care so just call him once a week, and see how it goes.
Grieve the loss of what you never had. Accept that it won’t change before he goes. That is what you’re grieving, the father you wish you had. His death will make that final, because the hope that he will change will die with him. It’s so difficult, I’ve been there. A good therapist will be a helpful guide. Hugs.
Thank you dr Peterson.
This was a really great video. Thank you.
Excellent, similar with me, I had to become more assertive!
I don't think it's necessarily fair to blame one person for the cause of the tension. It depends on the two parties involved obviously, but sometimes, you're better off not rekindling because one of the individuals involved is truly irredeemable. Not saying that's true in all cases, but you can't expect everyone to be capable of change.
I respect this man so much
I'm an agreeable neurotic narcissist. I have real problems but I don't work on them. I'm 0th percentile industrious. I might be too much in love with laziness.
Hope I can change.
But how do i differentiate between peace, quiet and avoidance.
Do they hurt you deliberately? Then leave them.
Do they hurt you involuntarily? That is in principle fixable.
What happens if you point out their mistakes / that you are hurt? Are they willing to change? Do they accept your feelings? If not, leave or at least get some distance.
Do they instead constantly invalidate, gaslight and control you? Leave.
Do they accept that you are your own person with your own path in life, your own feelings, opinions and needs? good. they do not need to agree with you, just accept that it is ok for you to be different.
------------
Basically
If they do what personalities from the dark triade do: leave.
If they do not threat you as a person: leave.
If they are idiots, but able to change: try it.
If they are idiots, but unable to change: leave.
A good quick check list.
thank you, 💯...
Well there are times where you do need to "win" against your spouse. If their thoughts/actions bring harm whether to themselves or others or if it can spread to others and cause harm, then you should win. But it isn't about winning/losing. It's about bringing the best of them out and you learn something about yourself as well.
Now if your fights are about whose turn was it to take out the trash and you've had this fight so many times that thoughts of divorce are entering your mind, then just take the damn trash out. Forget the turns and just do it yourself. But don't be a grump about it lol. Life is hard enough as it is and even more so when you are sharing your life with someone else. A marriage is a team sport. You might be the MVP, but you can't claim that you are. Your spouse has to tell you you are for it to mean anything.
I found out that my dad died. I haven't seen him since i was a little girl and don't even know how to find his grave or where he is buried. I blame my mother for him not being in my life
You haven't met my father, or mother... This argument assumes both sides want to come to a mutual conclusion
Wisdom right there💛 Great advice!!
Why do i have to deal with this ,,learn about this.????? My father didnt sitv, hear lectures, aboutbcheating, walkingcaway from family responsibilities. Jeeeez
My mother has tried to commit suicide twice since 2019. I’ve been the one to find her after she ate bottles of pills & have been lucky enough to save her twice by getting EMT’s there quick enough. Her & I never talk about this. I’ve never had a close relationship with my mother. She has a victim mentality & I feel like there’s nothing I can do. I’ve tried & I feel so worried that I won’t be there when she needs me again. What do I do?
I am so sorry that you have to live this. You are not responsible for saving her my dear. Just pray for yourself and your mother. God bless you ❤
How do you deal with losing everyone that you had. My mom, grandma , and grandpa and all with very bad situation which they all had. And you have no one left
I lost lost my first born son 6 weeks later my father a month later a dear friend 6mths later my 3 children's 1/2 brother my aunt the following month and my mother 4 weeks later. In 11mths I lost 3 of the most important people ever in my life. All 6 weren't ill and dying it was all unexpected. My father and I hadn't talked in 7yrs until the day after my son was found a week after he passed by his only lil sister. Now her and I aren't speaking because i set boundaries with her abusing me thru her way of grieving. My other sin works out i rarely see him due to that because hes out of town. I never really grieved myself son by having my father pass suddenly 6wks later. Then like domino's then4 others. It was impossible to grieve. I find myself grieving different ones one day then a few days or month later another one. I'm all mixed up inside and trying to find peace non each its been the hardest thing in my life byfar. Each relationship was different of course, but each was different at the time of their passing than thru the years.😢❤
Just watched succession s4e3 yesterday, so appalling. Logan Roy is that type of father belittles his kids.
Good advice. Stop talking and start listening.
My dad's always been a pita. I think it's his ptsd. Now mixed with dementia, he's impossible to help. Help yourself..
Mom estranged me. Chose the bottle and her boyfriend. I have no guilt. And my sisters did this to me and my dad because he stuck up for me.that was 20 years ago. Ive forgotten what they look like.
With my father I am not going to win and I don’t want to win. I walked away to guard my peace and sanity
Forget them and move on.
My Narcissistic parents died to me when I was 7
Yeah, I don’t feel stupid for disengaging from my abusive father, I feel stupid for not doing it years ago…..sorry for the morose comment. I really do love your channel.
But how to cope with a dying parent who doesn’t want to stay in hospital, but wants to die at home, in own bed with children around??! How to hold a suffering parent in arms, and not be able to help?? My heart will explode😭
Dr Peterson I'd like you to address the problem of stranged adult children and how parents should act towards reconciliation.Would that be possible?
With arrival of death, all can be forgiven, if not now, later. Finality of death shows what it will mean in the end…the only thing one can do is to forgive all especially yourself.
Damn, is this ever timely because it's about to happen. I forgave long ago but I'm sure this is still going to be a mind- twister.
CELEBRATE ❤❤❤❤
Had all the walkings track
Whatever it wants
This is prob the most mature and deep thing I’ve ever listened to.
Psychopath and narcissist are two separate and distinct states of being. The easiest way I explain to ppl that confuse the two terms;
A victim suffering from narcissistic tendency and mind set is simply and only that… victim. Every narcasist is an abused and somewhat neglected child that haas never known comfort love or peace in the terms that are healthy.
The only other thing to know about a narcissist is that you were not qualified to help(lay ppl). I am not qualifiesld to hep
no editing. Cough dodo cold…
What if someone just ghosts you ? There’s no relationship then .
Psalm 18:16((G.N.T.))⚓️
**👉🏽🏋🏽♂️
I agree with Jordan about engaging in rather than avoiding conflict. We are all stupid at times, and we've all said and done things we regret. Sometimes it's impossible but it's always worth trying, as healing is both big hurdle but also one of our most profound lessons.
I also have a growing problem with the catch-all word narcissist. Seems every relationship issue comes down to a narcissist. A friend who is a marriage counselor says that 90% of the couples she sees accuse each other of being a narcissist. Are there really that many out there?
2:13 Marriage conflict advice
And God rest his soul dad
11:51
What if the parent of the child who broke ties was not abusive and did so much together thru his life then he married and a wife who was the one to initiate the seperation from his parents and taking away grandparent rights . The only reason for seperation was my son had substance abuse issues and the wife's mother is an evangelical religious person who believes all her children and grandchildren and their spouses need to be together without outside relationships such as the man's parent's (mother and father) outside influences we were called. The mother basically wanted all her flock under her. My son was not the only one that was taken away one of her sons married and she broke that marriage up as well. This mother was widowed in 2011 and she began to change. I am still very hurt I am not about to make a scene for her and try to get him and my grandkids back now it has already been 5 years. I did go over 3 years ago to find out why we never hear from them and it was very awkward. My son kept saying "my wife is my best friend and I need to be loyal to her at all times". I have ill health and I may never see him again and there is nothing I can do about that but I fear one day he will have to face what he has done-that is a heavy load for an abusive child to cope with. We were never bad parents.
We don't have a father
But i am trying to talk to someone who is undergoing a mental condition before he dies while he is still the person he once was and he ceases to be himself before he becomes a zombie I have to dispose of
My only fear with Jordan Peterson is that he is spreading himself too thin.
What if you haven't done anything wrong and your parents simply used you as a punching bag? Do you have to "atone" for their lack of an ability to provide love, or their lack of willingness to admit wrong? BS.
If my mom dies I don’t wanna live..
A wise man gathers his thoughts before speaking
Well 😊..it's always like this children never understand parents..parents too .. trying telling what's good or not good without let children makes mistake..which it's wrong..if life for boys or girls thinks was bad with father or mother strong discipline..I believe we parents when we came back from other life we will fixed...because of learning from mistake..for all the children..my value it's where you are I was ? Here I am you will come..! that's life..with bad and good 👍 after dead.. nothing's mattress..just if they have good genetic DNA.. regrets..I am agree ..with Peterson don't doit to others what was your experience in family's life..
This isn't answering the subject.
I do you have me and the holyspirit spirit has whateva
What if the parent tried to kill you?.
Wasnt This a direct question Of the passing of an estranged parent(s) and their offspring on how to use deal with that loss?? .
How does the none issues with a spouse help the questioner and those interested in the answer? The humor is completely unnecessary in my view. That was a very good question and specific. Thus needing a specific answer if he had one. Which he apparently did not have (SO JUST SAY SO) move into the next question.
Was very Disappointed.
But mums mine now