Anger and I can fix everything. That has been my mantra forever. Anger consumed me & I didn't want to be like my mother! Never understanding why i was striving not to be bad. Nothing would would stop the constant repeating of foul talk in my head towards myself. Sadly, I used those curse words as motivation to get me up moving. I was always harshly berating myself at my slightest mistake. Unable to stop getting angry with myself over everything & anything. Any perceived infraction would set me off into a foul, horrible mindset. Nearly a half century & finally, I'm just starting to look at being kind to my inner self instead of all the negative self-talk.
Not only was this chaos normalized in my family, it was celebrated. They thought they were being "badasses" and would brag about cussing people out and, in some cases, fighting. I know some of this was protective and a matter of survival given the time frame they grew up in (before the Civil rights era), however it never set right with me. So much rage was present in my mother especially, most of which I internalized and directed towards myself. I was weak because I wasn't a hellraiser. My mother actually ridiculed me for my sensitivity and outwardly favored my younger brother, who was prone to tantrums and acting out most of his childhood. I guess because she could relate to his temperament more? So I became the perfect child. Obedient, straight A student, never complained, always mindful of my mother's moods because it was always all about her. Anyway, when I hit rock bottom and was on the verge of a total emotional breakdown due to yet another toxic relationship, I decided remaining in this constant state of suffering was not an option. I prayed desperately and said I would do whatever it took to get rid of this pain. The internal answer was, "you can heal the pain, but do you really want to? Who would you be without it?" I wailed at that thought. Who would I be without my pain? I had clung to it for so long that I didn't have the slightest idea. But I knew I owed it to myself, my children, and any healthy relationship partners that came along to find out. It has not been easy, and I have lost a great deal, but what I did gain was love and growing acceptance of myself just for being me, not for all the Herculean feats my mother put me through for bread crumbs of affection.
Can you make a video on how to find your identity back? Find yourself? I had a very narcissistic and ranging mother and then went into a narcissistic relationship when I had just turned 18. Now 22 years later I find myself in the middle of a divorce and really confused. In both my relationships ( mother and spouse) I served the other a 100% and morphed into who they wanted me to be out of fear. I don't know who I am anymore ( maybe never knew). I'm turning 40 and I find myself in a position that most teenagers are. How do I navigate the world? Where do I want to go? Who do I want to be? I would love a video on how to find your identity back..Thank you Dr Kim!
The lord bless you and keep you he makes his face to shine upon you and he is gracious to you he lifts up his countenance upon you and he turns his face towards you and he gives you his beloved his PEACE 🌈🌈God loves you 🌈🌈
Great info! Thank you. Alot of this resonated for me. I'm currently getting out of a 32 yr marriage to a narcissistic partner who mirrored both my parents. It took many years and recent therapy to finally understand the dynamics. I'm starting a new relationship and now realizing I have an anxious attachment style. Having this understanding in my 20's would have helped me understand the issues I was having back then. I don't think attachment theory was a thing back then nor was there alot of info for the public on narcissism, borderline, etc.
I so love your videos! Most videos on YT on this topic focus on explaining why narcissists or borderliners act the way they act, where that comes from, what to look out for, what to do and so on. You're the only one that explains the effects narcissism/bpd, childhood trauma, attachment trauma and alike has on us and does to me. It feels like you were speaking out of my own personal experience! You shed so much light on the patterns behind it, like the emotional roller coaster that caused me to believe this was 'normal', since I never experienced it differently. It makes me feel so understood! Not only does it take away the guilt and the effects of the constant blame but it soothes and relieves from the internal pressure to permanently perform and deliver. It literally takes it off my shoulders. Knowing now, that this is not 'normal', having actively heard you say it out loud, allows me to return to my adult position, return to my calm and to look at that mentally ill behavior with a distance and take it for what it really is. That distance now allows me to take a clear decision. To act upon it. To announce and keep to consequences to the narcissists (family) in my life. You're words are thus explicitly allowing me to stand strong, determined towards my inner goals and laid-back in situations of blame and agitation. That's so wonderful! Thank you so so much for making explicit those dynamics and showing us the mindset and the right questions to find our way out for good! 🧡🙃
You are so welcome! I hadn't thought of it the way you are saying about how many videos explain their behavior but yes, that is exactly what I want to do - is help us understand what happened to us and how our lives have been impacted, how to heal, etc. So thank you! I hope you feel understood - and I love your description of returning to your adult position:). So important and not always easy work! Sending love and healing today!💜💜
This video resonated with me. My BPD mom seems addicted to chaos/drama, but I am not a professional so do not know what is addiction and what is BPD. I avoid external drama like the plague, but I must have something to worry about internally. My therapist is working with me on learning how to not try to control my thoughts so much as trying to control controlling with more control clearly doesn't work. 🤣 Hmm...I want to start taking note of how my anxiety manifests expernally. Thank you, Dr. Sage, for this enlightening video. I appreciate your work!
I really appreciate the perspective you bring to your videos. I continue to do "work" to understand how to improve myself and my life. I grew up with an undiagnosed boderline mother without a father present. As the youngest by 11+ years, I was alone within that chaos and really just tried to stay alive. What I love about your videos is how well you explain everything. It took me a loooong time to understand the connections of my childhood to my adulthood. I think people watching your videos are so helped by you. Thank you for posting!
This helps explain that feeling of “how did I find another friend who ended up being so messed up?!” My husband had a friend who needed a place to stay, I found friends in grad school who would take all my help without giving back… we would look back and think, “HOW did we not know?!” But it’s that training, that way of thinking and being that keeps us blind until it is too much. And it’s so easy to turn to shame and self blame instead of the strength that incremental change requires. I definitely haven’t avoided the issues of seeking chaos and ignoring red flags in behavior. Including in my marriage. Fortunately/unfortunately my partner is the same. We’re learning to listen to our bodies (finally!) and going to couples and individual therapy. It’s a slow road out of the lifelong training and encouragement we received to be nothing to ourselves and everything to our families of origin. Oh! Watching all of your videos continues to be immensely helpful too. ❤
Thank you so much for sharing this! Yes, I so understand how we can collect people in our lives and wake up and think, what just happened!? I love the work you are doing with your husband - so amazing, and I have seen the incredible things that come out of couples therapy when both partners are invested!💜💜
Dr.Sage, I would like to thank you for last week's videos, I have already known the issues that you discussed on the logical level but now that I heard it from you it really hit me. I've already started adapting my behaviour because now I am convinced that inside I do have power to set boundaries and just be consistent and consequent about keeping them. Thank you again, much love to you.
Another great video, thank you so much for this content. You explain what it was like so well. It's hard to find people who deeply and truly understand what it was like growing up with a boderline/narcisistic parent. I love your content, it's been so helpful!
I have found therapy especially helpful in that area. I know not always possible for everyone, but if we are recognizing signs, the next step would be to start with small changes, like boundary setting, distancing ourselves a bit, etc💜. I have several books on my website (not my books) you might check out for more strategies.💜
Now listen here...you can't tell me there's a kitten that's going to pop up at some point during the video and then NOT include a kitten popping up in the video. It's like the #1 rule of the internet, I'm pretty sure. 😂
LOL - you are right! I will work on it!:)😸😺💜. I've already filmed the next few days but the next time I will have to bring her on camera! She is on a Tik Tok here or there but I was honestly afraid she was going to crash my camera!
Hi everyone! Hope you had a lovely weekend and hope you find this helpful. Can you relate to the idea of emotional chaos in childhood?💜
Thank you so much!
💜 @Jen Adkins You're so welcome!!
Anger and I can fix everything. That has been my mantra forever. Anger consumed me & I didn't want to be like my mother! Never understanding why i was striving not to be bad. Nothing would would stop the constant repeating of foul talk in my head towards myself. Sadly, I used those curse words as motivation to get me up moving. I was always harshly berating myself at my slightest mistake. Unable to stop getting angry with myself over everything & anything. Any perceived infraction would set me off into a foul, horrible mindset. Nearly a half century & finally, I'm just starting to look at being kind to my inner self instead of all the negative self-talk.
Not only was this chaos normalized in my family, it was celebrated. They thought they were being "badasses" and would brag about cussing people out and, in some cases, fighting. I know some of this was protective and a matter of survival given the time frame they grew up in (before the Civil rights era), however it never set right with me. So much rage was present in my mother especially, most of which I internalized and directed towards myself. I was weak because I wasn't a hellraiser. My mother actually ridiculed me for my sensitivity and outwardly favored my younger brother, who was prone to tantrums and acting out most of his childhood. I guess because she could relate to his temperament more? So I became the perfect child. Obedient, straight A student, never complained, always mindful of my mother's moods because it was always all about her.
Anyway, when I hit rock bottom and was on the verge of a total emotional breakdown due to yet another toxic relationship, I decided remaining in this constant state of suffering was not an option. I prayed desperately and said I would do whatever it took to get rid of this pain. The internal answer was, "you can heal the pain, but do you really want to? Who would you be without it?" I wailed at that thought. Who would I be without my pain? I had clung to it for so long that I didn't have the slightest idea. But I knew I owed it to myself, my children, and any healthy relationship partners that came along to find out. It has not been easy, and I have lost a great deal, but what I did gain was love and growing acceptance of myself just for being me, not for all the Herculean feats my mother put me through for bread crumbs of affection.
Can you make a video on how to find your identity back? Find yourself? I had a very narcissistic and ranging mother and then went into a narcissistic relationship when I had just turned 18. Now 22 years later I find myself in the middle of a divorce and really confused. In both my relationships ( mother and spouse) I served the other a 100% and morphed into who they wanted me to be out of fear. I don't know who I am anymore ( maybe never knew). I'm turning 40 and I find myself in a position that most teenagers are. How do I navigate the world? Where do I want to go? Who do I want to be? I would love a video on how to find your identity back..Thank you Dr Kim!
The lord bless you and keep you he makes his face to shine upon you and he is gracious to you he lifts up his countenance upon you and he turns his face towards you and he gives you his beloved his PEACE 🌈🌈God loves you 🌈🌈
Great info! Thank you. Alot of this resonated for me. I'm currently getting out of a 32 yr marriage to a narcissistic partner who mirrored both my parents. It took many years and recent therapy to finally understand the dynamics. I'm starting a new relationship and now realizing I have an anxious attachment style. Having this understanding in my 20's would have helped me understand the issues I was having back then. I don't think attachment theory was a thing back then nor was there alot of info for the public on narcissism, borderline, etc.
Yes - I so agree and understand. I am wishing you healing and happiness in your new relationship.💜
I so love your videos! Most videos on YT on this topic focus on explaining why narcissists or borderliners act the way they act, where that comes from, what to look out for, what to do and so on.
You're the only one that explains the effects narcissism/bpd, childhood trauma, attachment trauma and alike has on us and does to me. It feels like you were speaking out of my own personal experience! You shed so much light on the patterns behind it, like the emotional roller coaster that caused me to believe this was 'normal', since I never experienced it differently. It makes me feel so understood! Not only does it take away the guilt and the effects of the constant blame but it soothes and relieves from the internal pressure to permanently perform and deliver. It literally takes it off my shoulders.
Knowing now, that this is not 'normal', having actively heard you say it out loud, allows me to return to my adult position, return to my calm and to look at that mentally ill behavior with a distance and take it for what it really is. That distance now allows me to take a clear decision. To act upon it. To announce and keep to consequences to the narcissists (family) in my life. You're words are thus explicitly allowing me to stand strong, determined towards my inner goals and laid-back in situations of blame and agitation. That's so wonderful!
Thank you so so much for making explicit those dynamics and showing us the mindset and the right questions to find our way out for good! 🧡🙃
You are so welcome! I hadn't thought of it the way you are saying about how many videos explain their behavior but yes, that is exactly what I want to do - is help us understand what happened to us and how our lives have been impacted, how to heal, etc. So thank you! I hope you feel understood - and I love your description of returning to your adult position:). So important and not always easy work! Sending love and healing today!💜💜
This video resonated with me. My BPD mom seems addicted to chaos/drama, but I am not a professional so do not know what is addiction and what is BPD.
I avoid external drama like the plague, but I must have something to worry about internally. My therapist is working with me on learning how to not try to control my thoughts so much as trying to control controlling with more control clearly doesn't work. 🤣 Hmm...I want to start taking note of how my anxiety manifests expernally.
Thank you, Dr. Sage, for this enlightening video. I appreciate your work!
💜It can be so confusing, I know. Love how you are working on healing yourself and sending you so much support in doing so!
I really appreciate the perspective you bring to your videos. I continue to do "work" to understand how to improve myself and my life. I grew up with an undiagnosed boderline mother without a father present. As the youngest by 11+ years, I was alone within that chaos and really just tried to stay alive. What I love about your videos is how well you explain everything. It took me a loooong time to understand the connections of my childhood to my adulthood. I think people watching your videos are so helped by you. Thank you for posting!
This might be the most relatable video I have ever watched on this platform. Thank you so much for explaining this.
Thank you so much. 🙏🙏💜
Wow I so needed to hear this today! I have been self sabotaging and don’t know how to just be and trust.
This helps explain that feeling of “how did I find another friend who ended up being so messed up?!” My husband had a friend who needed a place to stay, I found friends in grad school who would take all my help without giving back… we would look back and think, “HOW did we not know?!” But it’s that training, that way of thinking and being that keeps us blind until it is too much. And it’s so easy to turn to shame and self blame instead of the strength that incremental change requires.
I definitely haven’t avoided the issues of seeking chaos and ignoring red flags in behavior. Including in my marriage. Fortunately/unfortunately my partner is the same. We’re learning to listen to our bodies (finally!) and going to couples and individual therapy. It’s a slow road out of the lifelong training and encouragement we received to be nothing to ourselves and everything to our families of origin.
Oh! Watching all of your videos continues to be immensely helpful too. ❤
Thank you so much for sharing this! Yes, I so understand how we can collect people in our lives and wake up and think, what just happened!? I love the work you are doing with your husband - so amazing, and I have seen the incredible things that come out of couples therapy when both partners are invested!💜💜
Dr.Sage, I would like to thank you for last week's videos, I have already known the issues that you discussed on the logical level but now that I heard it from you it really hit me. I've already started adapting my behaviour because now I am convinced that inside I do have power to set boundaries and just be consistent and consequent about keeping them. Thank you again, much love to you.
Another great video, thank you so much for this content. You explain what it was like so well. It's hard to find people who deeply and truly understand what it was like growing up with a boderline/narcisistic parent. I love your content, it's been so helpful!
Ur videos are one of a kind. I've started going through them and taking notes for my therapist. So great
I love hearing that as sometimes you wonder if everything has been said here! So glad you are here and great to hear you are working on your healing!💜
What if you now recognize your pattern and wanting peace, stability but still attracting the same old people?
I have found therapy especially helpful in that area. I know not always possible for everyone, but if we are recognizing signs, the next step would be to start with small changes, like boundary setting, distancing ourselves a bit, etc💜. I have several books on my website (not my books) you might check out for more strategies.💜
@@DrKimSage wow! thanks for your reply. your videos are very helpful and relatable.
Now listen here...you can't tell me there's a kitten that's going to pop up at some point during the video and then NOT include a kitten popping up in the video. It's like the #1 rule of the internet, I'm pretty sure. 😂
LOL - you are right! I will work on it!:)😸😺💜. I've already filmed the next few days but the next time I will have to bring her on camera! She is on a Tik Tok here or there but I was honestly afraid she was going to crash my camera!
💋🌹🍨