Trauma Plus Shame Make it Hard to Recognize Mistreatment
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 16 มี.ค. 2022
- 🟢 Order My New Book, RE-REGULATED: bit.ly/4dRI8Sj
Come See Me In Person! Workshops in US, UK: bit.ly/49rzM0Z
Do You Have CPTSD? Take the QUIZ: bit.ly/3GhE65z
FREE COURSE: *The Daily Practice*: bit.ly/3X1BrE0
Website: bit.ly/3CxgkRY
***
People traumatized as children often struggle to see clearly when others are mistreating them, and appear to walk blindly into the same kind of bad romantic choices, over and over again. In this video I respond to a letter from a women whose college sweetheart (who hurt her badly) shows up in her life for one evening and starts the pain all over again. Hear my advice for how to protect your heart, take your time, and save your emotional availability for someone who FITS.
***
🟢 Letters: Want to submit a question for me to answer in a video?
Keep it short, not too explicit, relevant for this audience.
bit.ly/3VVxqjm
🟢 Become a Member!
Access ALL my courses, webinars, group coaching & online community
bit.ly/3Zfx9dN
🟢 Take My Online course: Healing Childhood PTSD
bit.ly/3k6gQQH
🟢 How I Recently Lost 27 Pounds: ble.life/V9fe9O
🟢 Change Trauma-Driven Dating Patterns
Online course: Dating & Relationships for People with CPTSD
bit.ly/3IBbrv7
🟢 Learn to Heal Dysregulation
Online course: Dysregulation Bootcamp
bit.ly/3ZpjGAh
🟢 Heal Isolation and Build Better Relationships
Online course: Connection Bootcamp
bit.ly/3iuUEPz
🟢 Coaching Programs & LIVE Calls with Anna
🔹 NEW Coaching Program for DATING: Apply Now: bit.ly/3Qjdozs
🔹 8-Week Coaching Intensive for Healing CPTSD Symptoms: bit.ly/3wjVVjg
🔹 Join LIVE Webinars with My Team and Me: bit.ly/3ifhJ8U
🟢 PARTNERS/RECOMMENDED PRODUCTS
(I receive commissions on referrals & recommend services I know and trust)
🔹 Is Carb Sensitivity Sabotaging Your Energy and Weight? Take the Quiz:
ble.life/V9fe9O
🔹 NEED ONLINE THERAPY? BetterHelp can connect you with a licensed, online therapist:
betterhelp.com/CCF
🔹 Try MUSE Headband to Calm Your Mind: choosemuse.com/ccf
Over the years I've learnt that if someone likes you, you'll know. If they don't, you'll be confused.
Wow. Deep Truth!
Really?
100%
@@mm-zm8ys Yep. If someone really likes you and wants to be with you, they'll act in ways that show you that. They'll want to be around and want to be their best self with you. Behaviour that confuses you means there's something hinky going on, whether that's because they're too hurt still to be available or just because they're selfish and manipulative. The confusion is your brain trying to make sense of contradictory information between what the person says and how they behave.
Thank you for this truth. I was confused on where I stood with a guy and now i know.
I don't think she fell in love with him. The best thing I ever learned in my romantic life, is just because you can't stop thinking about them, doesn't make it love. I remember I got cheated on years ago and it broke my heart and I confused the pain for that I must love the guy, so I went back to him.
Another guy I was with I had strong limerence for years and only learned that it wasn't "the one that got away" it was just limerence. He was exactly like the guy in this video - future faked me, breadcrumbed me, used me for his own ego trip.
In both circumstances, it was my low self esteem, low self worth, identity, image that was being damaged by these people. That's what hurts, it's not love.
Pain, is not love.
It took me so long and a lot of toxic experiences to work this out.
Great insight, thanks for sharing
-Cara@TeamFairy
You’re so right! I went through this too .. many times . The one that got away was a breadcrumbing a -hole who hurt me twice .. and I have really only just realised not long ago
“Pain is not love.” This! Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart for this word of wisdom 🙏🏻
I'm convinced that good men have always been good men. Crappy men like this tend to never change, even after 11 years.
I just want to point out, when someone continually asks you for something you've already said no to (eg., a guy who keeps on asking you out after you've already said no) that's coercion and a violation of your boundary. Your original "No" was a boundary.
YES! this really stuck out to me too, no means no means no, and no is a complete sentence
@@soysprouts yeah, and then she goes and says "Hello" on a dating app... c'mon, a no is a no when it's a consistent NO, right?!
@@robertmartin6655 Right.
that is so true and e every person who insists is not respectful.
YES
I've decided after 57 years of living on this planet that if you have suffered from childhood trauma you're more emotionally needy than people who have had healthy childhoods.You tend to attract emotionally unavailable partners. Unless you really work on yourself as you go out in the world as an adult, you will so sadly attract what you've been used to. It's imperative to LOVE and
APPRECIATE YOURSELF. DONT TAKE YOU OR WHAT YOU HAVE FOR GRANTED.
Some people who are not emotionally healthy, some people with disorders, there are a lot of very damaged people out there, will take you for granted and take what you don't cherish to the cleaners. Know what triggers you. Know how to cope with the pain of unresolved issues from your past. Don't think anyone else will fix you. Don't whatever you do wear your heart on your sleeve and expect kindness from everyone, or anyone who you really havent taken the time to get to know really well. We tend to rush in too quickly, starving of love and desperate for reassurance.It's important to have a faith.To rise above the madness and to realise what we and other people do matters and there are consequences to actions in this life time and in the next. Be careful out there. Look after yourselves!
Perfectly said😇
It's a rule for me that I do not interact with anyone who knew me back when I was at my lowest and wasn't there for me 🥴✌️✨
Um. But what if they knew you at your lowest, were there but when you're not low - they are not? Isn't that more worrying?
Never date someone you don't really want to date. Some guys just wear you down by not giving up until you agree, but these guys usually lose interest after a while. They're not worth it. It's better to be pursued by someone you want to be with anyway.
Feeling like one truly has a choice takes a good amount of work for some, but it is definitely the goal :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
stayed for 37 years with a guy I didn't really want to date. he cheated since day 1 nonstop., etc.
Like the tall rich man that pumps and dumps women? Like the bad boy ALL women hate to ❤️ love and love ❤️ to hate?
Girl, run. RUN!!! He's not a good guy. He's selfish and manipulative. He will spend his lifetime putting you down and calling you names.
That sounds familiar
I grew up with a guy who was like a brother to me.
He was the closest thing to what I thought a friend was.
He betrayed me at 11.
He betrayed me at 20
He betrayed me at 30
He was the same guy dieing of bowel cancer at 40.
I kept thinking if I gave him one more chance he would return to his better self.
It comes down to this.
If they work you over once.
They will do it again.
If you stick around it is on you.
They don't change.
women too!
Just curious?,how did you feel when he got sick or passed away?
@@tishreni5183
It was interesting.
It was a lot like watching a crocodile that had been caught after it had eaten a child.
The croc is dead the child is dead .
It is over but nobody really won.
In the end one must move on and never repeat.
Never.
Some people are just rubbish people.
Rubbish.
@@starboy2013 damn that’s depressing.
It’s hard when they are “like a brother” aka you love or have loved them unconditionally. But they treat you like crap so you really need to cut them out of your life.
Patty, you are an emotional “ high “ for this man. It has nothing to do with your character, looks, or station in life. He knows that you care for him, and that you will always build up his low self esteem. Ignore him; let him get his “ high” elsewhere.
How well I know this position of being the stroke for some man’s ego! Often this type of men are often narcissists anyway. It will always be about THEM!
@@prince6a exactly ❤️
Well said…..exactly what I went through & let myself be hurt over & over….never again
Very well said!!
Patty, You gave this man, an ex-boyfriend, a chance to show You that he had matured and also that he was ready to be serious with You. Be proud of Yourself that You could be generous enough to give him another chance after a long time, 11 years! But when he quickly shows that he hasn’t developed in a good way, just follow the advice in the video….
I agree 100%
@@startinglifeat30🎉
I don't think the guy in the story has a sexual fetish where he liked the chase, I think he was an anxious avoidant. He love bombs, future fakes, pulls away, then discards. Classic signs!
Narcissistic signs too - with the negging/devaluing (criticising her) and discard as well..
I bet the guy was still in a relationship and cheated by being on that dating app and then taking this letter-writer out. After the festival or whatever his gf probably broke up with him, then he stopped communications with letter-writer in hopes that his "ex" will take him back
I do think he has a sexual fetish for victiminzing and abandoning vulnerable women after the woman is emotionally involved with him and emotionally wounding them, making them hurt and upset. I bet that even though he's from a "good" family, there are some type of abandonment issues within his family somewhere and that's what made him seek her out as a victim, trying so hard to win her attention and get her interested in him, so he could play this out with her. If you dealt with any type of abandonment/devaluing in your childhood you have to be on your guard for men with this problem. If you see anyone that you're not attractted to AT ALL but they keep on trying to get your attention for a long long time, this is the red flag - a normal guy would stop when he sees that you're not interested. They're trying to create a situation where they eventually win you over and then abandon you, they will cite your initial disinterest in them as grounds to harm you emotionally. If not that, it will be something else unbeknowst to you - something that you said, did or an aspect of your personality or background. "It's ok to emotionally harm you because of ____ ", fill in the blank with some craziness. This form of victimization carries a nasty sting to it that can fester, because this person slips in under the radar. You already know to protect yourself from men you find very attractive, but your guard is not up like that for a guy that you just don't feel all that attracted to at first. But they work very very hard to get your attention to start pulling this on you. It's also how they gain self worth, by trying to bring you down. The best thing you can do is never talk to them again and date someone else, as soon as you realized what is going on. The minute this person doesn't call when they are supposed to, have another date on the line quickly. Don't get hung up on this type of abuser, ever.
slowly Im loosing hope if I ever will be able to have a normal relationship, or if I ever will get to know good men who are interested in me seriously. Im sooo tired of meeting only assholes. 😣 The last guy I thought: “he is an introvert but he is the first normal guy” he seemed caring and soft, considerate but he turned out to be an total disaster: not able to connect with anyone, not able to give normal minimum emotional support, not able for empathy and didn’t care for anyone than himself and yeah: he was the opposite of all that he was in beginning
Don't worry, Jani. When your hormones dry up, you won't care about relationships with men anymore. I'm convinced that it's all just "baby fever" in disguise. 😀
Happened to me too. Wild how they are loving and sweet in the beginning. Ugh. I stayed cause I kept wanting it to go back to the good beginning. :(
I fee like I’m going though this with a guy rn…
maybe not the most comforting, but: I think there’s something to celebrate in that you’re tired of turning down assholes, because that says you dumped a bunch of shitty dudes instead of just accepting their mistreatment and selfishness forever. Hell yeah-That’s big and that’ll take you places! And it’s great that you recognize the covert assholes who can’t be what you need either-these are good boundaries to have. (actually can you share some of your radar settings with me lmao)
Not gonna be like ~DoN’T GiVe Up hOpE~, but I genuinely hope you meet better people soon and can have some fun! Our world rewards people for being bad and it’s hard to be good, and it takes digging to find people who are consistently good.
I feel like I'm the only guy here😆 It's best to ignore what people say and watch what they do.
"You're just experiencing what it's like to be you and the part that's not healed yet. Just embrace that. Love that part of you."
Anna Runkle, aka Crappy Childhood Fairy.
Yeah, that bit was So awesome 🤩
😭👏
🥺❤️
The dsm6( the Diagnostic and statistical manual of psychiatry) is being released soon and it STILL does not recognize/acknowledge childhood trauma/cPTSD. I shake my fist. We know it's real and we are healing childhood chronic trauma within our own communities.
Fie on the manual.
My brand new psychiatrist. -- praise the goddesses-- is well versed in Childhood trauma and CPTSD. He agrees that each of my " mental health symptoms " are in fact, not organic but rather the response to life-long trauma. And therefore, curable.
I have a wonderful trauma-informed therapist who I have shown some of these cptsd videos and she agreed that Anna's knowledge and methods are spot-on.
Yay!!
I found something of value on my own!!
It suck but it's in the OCD manual
They (western psychology) is Satanic based because most of the men who came up with it are Free Masons to who worship Satan. They don't want us to know the truth, that we can heal. They only want to slap labels on people and medicate them. The VA tells people with PTSD that they just have to "live with it" and "deal with the side effects". They never tell them they have to address the underlying trauma, process it in their working brain, so it stops triggering them. They have to make it their number one priority to process it. So many of these people's lives are destroyed due to lies and incompetence of the VA, western psychology.
@Paul Gauthier most of these providers Ik won’t touch the thing with a 10 foot pole….cptsd is in icd-10 and is recognized by the WHO so like it can still be officially billed and is recognized even if the dsm will not
General rule of thumb, anyone that's a "nice guy", isn't!
it's a very evil thing that is shown to us in some sitcoms and movies, guys who won't take a no and it is framed as romantic. not taking a no is not respecting a boundary, and it is an instant red flag! please, people, take this as my advice if i can ever do anything good in the world, if you say you are not interested, respect yourself, your boundaries, and if the other person ignores it, you have to ignore him in ay way because he/ she does not respect your no and your boundaries. walk away and even if the flattery is good for your ego, do not fall into the flattery trap. not good things await you. it is hard to stay away from it but i ensure you, this is his pattern to get what he wants and then leave you on the ground like a dirty lollypop on the sidewalk.
This guy is not only manipulative, he respects no boundaries.
Dude. That "free ticket" was probably for his ex if he just broke up with her. Ouch! Second WTH is up with these "wing men"? I totally fell for people with red flags thinking thier friends were good people. I would get told how good I was for my ex like its on me hes a good person now. Looking back its was DOUBLE red flags!!
I’d be even more diabolical if his ex actually paid for the ticket 😭
@@ShadaeMastersAstrology I had an ex one time who used my credit card that he had borrowed because "he needed a little gasoline so we could go out that weekend." Instead, he disappeared that weekend and took another woman to Memphis and maxxed out my credit card. That was diabolical.
Patty: I can understand where you’re coming from. My background is similar. I grew up poor in a housing project in DC and I always thought I was unworthy. Not outright, but I would see other blessed people and think I didn’t deserve what they have. You need to understand that humans, without skin, clothes, money or extra education ARE ALL THE SAME. Your background does not make you below any other human, neither does your mistakes. You were looking for love from a user. Many men play games and say things in the moment because they want a foot in the door. Please take a pause on dating and meditate on what kind of relationship you want. Since you didn’t have good examples at home, observe other couples or relationships. The point is to establish a baseline of what kind of person you want to be inside a relationship, and what kind of person you want to be with. If you hear nothing else, please hear this: many of us that had crappy childhoods only focus on what we DONT want, like a partner that is on drugs or that calls us names, and so we think a man that isn’t those things is “good”. THIS IS A MISTAKE. You have to not only think about what you don’t want, but really understand what you do want. Otherwise you will settle and still be unfulfilled. Sorry for the long comment. I truly do understand where you’re coming from.
Appreciate you sending Patty a message of encouragement :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
That is amazing advice. I'm one of those with a "Don't want" but never thought I needed a do want so I don't settle. Thank you for sharing your wisdom. 💛
Excellent points about not just fleeing feared outcomes, but also getting clear about what you do want, so it is evident which way we need to move!
I like you pointed out underneath our clothes WE ARE ALL THE SAME. No better or worse, no need to judge yourself! Sun shines equally on everyone, rich and poor. You are worthy of your own love and respect
@@a7744ry thank you
Thank you so much! I’m going through a ghosting with someone I thought that we were falling in love. My heart feels better after this video. Thanks again 🦋
Iu
Then you are with a post childhood trauma peep that cannot emote…if u pay attention carefully they put out a general anxiety at all times and live off of your fully functional emotional health…
Nowadays, they don’t even have time to discard me. I see their BS for miles and discard them first 😁😄
Also, to the letter author, you need to learn about narcissists. It will free you. Also, therapy would not be effective unless you go out there and experience, fall, stand up again until your mind clicks for GOOD, then, you’ll thank that trash of a man forever for enabling your growth and freedom.
right? i instantly thought of doctor ramani (yt- channel) and other coaches whose field is narcissism, the guy checks all the marks! (if you speak german, i suppose you can visit "narzissmus verstehen" on yt, she is really good)
I have a hard time listening to “narcissistic abuse & how to …(fill in the blank)”.
Am I being mean, ignorant, or old fashioned(?) thinking that is the way the majority of men behave - like narcissists??? I mean, just look at the evolution of men from before, during and after women’s rights have been in place! I can practically see my grandpa as the ape, my dad a bit more upright, and my ex-husband just a wee bit more straight than mine or his dad😆. I raised three sons with that man and they still have a tendency to drag their arms😝, but my sons are better than their dad or grandpas ever were! Just sayin’
@@jaedtobey791 oh, i already gave up on romantic stuff. I am way happier alone but at peace.
@@di3486 I FINALLY got to this place too...
Good job 👏🏼
not related to the letter writer, but when you showed your fancy pencil your husband gave you made me tear up. I have someone who is so patient and thoughtful and brings me things like the lil pencil that shows me how cherished I am to them- the biggest trauma i have is how un-cherished i felt as a child
A thoughtful spouse is a precious thing! I'm happy good things have come your way!
Same !
This colour looks great on you! Thank you for another video. You have no idea how much you have helped me understand my symptoms caused by cptsd. Thank you Anna, have a great day!
I thought the same, Anna looks radiant in this colour and it matches the new fairy pencil!💖
@@allwellandgood8547 That's what I was going to say! The perfect top to match the magic fairy pencil! :)
The part about dating being an opportunity to practice what you learn in therapy hit home. I dated a man last year that kept raising red flags and triggering me. It was the first (and so far only) time I've dated in over a year. In a 3 month time span we "broke up" 3x. We didn't actually break up because we weren't in an "official" relationship. I kept going back because he had "potential". I didn't recognize the pattern quickly enough for my liking, I did recognize it much sooner than ever. I learned a lot of lessons with that experience.
Write. Anything. Just write to yourself. Be the person in your corner, on your side. In this world it is sometimes safe to only tell yourself the truth of your feelings. This is a blessing in disguise. The one person whose support you need the most is you.🦋🍁🍄
Again, thank you, Kim. 💜💜💜💜💜💜 Your insight is just what I needed. 💐💐💐💐💐💐
@@squirrel_of_mistri8565 We are here to share that which helps us. Anna has & will continue to save many lives by showing people what helps. Am grateful if what i wrote helped you in some way.🦋🍁🍄
This really sounds like narcissist and co dependent dynamics at play. I agree that this takes two people and I think both are driven by core shame. Believe in yourself and keep raising your standards. It takes time but like Anna says its all part of healing and growing. You're not the victim, you have the power to direct your life anyway you choose. Sending you understanding, compassion and love 🌟
Been well over a year since my narcissistic ex and I broke up. I just blocked him tonight because your videos have inspired me. I found your channel today as I had just been thinking about how all self help videos I've seen recently aren't deep enough and tell me things I already know. Your videos go hard. That's what the kids say about amazing things. It. Goes. Hard.
Welcome!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Anna goes hard but does so with such a soft and gentle demeanor that she can knock the maladaptive patterns right out of your head and all you feel is the gentle embrace of a loving mentor.
This video basically sums up all of my dating history and has answered most of my questions related. Your channel is a very powerful healing source and I absolutely love your sense of humor together with all the snappy remarks and laugh along unintentionally every time you do. Can't be more thankful for this channel, lots of love ❤️
Thank to YOU for watching and supporting. Grateful you're here! Happy to hear you enjoy the channel. - Ashley, Team Fairy
100% agree
❤ 💙 💜
You're not alone Anna M; Also my 40 years (!!!) of dating/ relationship habit. One right after another ...
But this channel along with my T.I. therapist has finally begun to change that direction; I was reunited with a good one from 25 years ago .. slow, steady, careful and... this one could be the healthy love I've looked for all my life. Because now, I love & respect myself
All I have to say is this: hell yes!
This was such a good letter!! Patty, I wish I’d had Anna to write to when I was your age. You’re doing great. You’re getting help, and you’re looking for the tough love help. Your letter made so much sense to me, and I know you’re going to do great with dating in the future. You are not your past, your parents or your circumstances. You get to choose what your life will be and who you want to be. Rooting for you! 💗
I was triggered by the word "festival ". In my history, it was the Renaissance Festival. My ex husband and I enjoyed these festivals, and even had a shop selling my handmade baskets. My husband ended up discarding me and our children to travel the country with the Festival. That was 27 years ago, and I still run the other way if I meet a man from the Festival circuit. The men who do this claim to March to the beat of a different drum, but in reality, many, if not most of them are narcissistic jerks, who are always game for the chase. They have only short term, relationships, built on the fantasy of living in medieval times, knight in shining armor, but because they are only around for a few weeks, they can easily keep up the presence and love bombing. Stay clear of these devils! They are absolute poison for us, with cptsd.
Thanks for watching!
-Cara@TeamFairy
There is something so beautiful in the way that you are able to put yourself in other people's shoes, not just in the shoes of the person who writes this, but also, you can really anticipate how your viewers might receive your answers and comments. It is not just the content of what you are saying which is always so simple yet profound, but the way that you are saying it and your genuine care about the work you do and the people you are talking to, that is awe inspiring and humbling to me. It is so inspiring to see a human that loves other humans, and truly cares. Thank you so much for being so earnest in your own healing and in taking the effort to share your path and your knowledge. God bless you ❤
That's so kind to say. You are very welcome. Grateful you're here. - Ashley, Team Fairy
If you run into him again, and he speaks to you, simply nod and walk on.
That's what I do.
truly this helped me today
you said everything I already knew
I was in a 3 year relationship with a man that discarded me at least once each year ...
I kept thinking my love and generosity would show him my loyalty love but it deteriorated in the last discard .... worse than ever meanspirited and used me sexually financially
ive taken a year to recover but a day doesnt go by that i dont think about im feeling used and betrayed .... he and his new supply posted pictures of all their wonderful life id never seen that was happening while he was with me !!!!
healing from this is horrendous but slow progress is better than wanting to not live which is where i was at one point a year ago ....hes been blocked one year i managed to delete all pictures threw all gifts from him very few btw ... deleted text threads i saved ...
Thank you ✨💖✨
Glad this video helped -- and so proud of all the growth and healing you shared. We're cheering for you! - Ashley, Team Fairy
Can relate on multiple similarities & finally heading into therapy while I fight suicidal thoughts... and see no where that I fit around mel I survived a suicide attempt 3 years ago (was saved BY GOD'S GRACE). ❤️🙏❤️
Nothing is more on point to one’s purpose than someone like you studying the psychology behind this stuff and making a positive difference even if by YT vids. Wow, just wow. Really proud of the fact that you’ve taken your life, trauma, skills and schooling to give back like this. What an amazing person you are.! ❤️❤️
Thank you so much for the kind words. Grateful you're here and enjoying the channel. :) - Ashley, Team Fairy
It is being trained to think that attention, any type of attention, is love. This means you're human. And incredibly, not damaged. To still have hope is incredible after surviving what some call "home".
You are not alone Patty! It sucks to be that person but I promise, it gets better when you do the work and take it slow. Best wishes ❤️
He PULLED AN EDWARD CULLEN (Twilight book #2, New Moon)...chase chase chase, act standoffish, leave, expect you to pine. If you see him in town, don't give him more than a glance.
Anna, you do seem to see through any façade, I'm in awe here
People who aren’t abused as children attract other non-abused people-most of the time. But those of us who were traumatized only attract other people who were traumatized. We only attract abusers. There were really nice guys in school that I always had crushes on who never looked at me once-they were after the girls who loved themselves not me. So I got to choose between the bad guys who asked me out. I didn’t pick these bad guys to ask me out, but it always seemed like I was invisible to the good guys. The one good thing about me, I’ve never taken back a bad guy. Once a guy has shown me he’s bad, I get so angry inside that I can never trust them again. I do have pride and don’t believe I deserved abuse as a child or now, and I won’t stand for it. So these guys usually try to come back, I enjoy using the nuclear option to light them up and block them on the new form of social media they used to find me.
Honestly though...arent the girls who love themselves always objectively prettier than us, the traumatised ones? Maybe thts y they get the desirable guys....? Be honest!
@@user-yk5xu8gr1e yeah, not objectively but we would be prettier if we loved ourselves. At least to ourselves, but that's all that matters anyway
This is NOT true. I'm sorry but it's just not! Abused people should reject the saying "we attract only abusers." That's like saying, because you were abused, only crappy people notice you, pay attention to you and want to date you, which is not true. And using school as your statistical analysis for who you will attract is not reliable data. School is a very concentrated community, it's a small group, there's a herd mentality, so it's horrible data. It's also the beginning of a really, really, really long life where after school, more people from different walks of life will come in and out of your orbit, so what happened at "school" is not reliable data for the rest of your life.
It's not what you attract, it's what you choose. You have way more power than you understand you do. Many abused people unfortunately notice, pay attention to and want to date people who want to abuse them. This letter is a prime example. This girl didn't even like this guy, which means she observed enough data in his behavior that told her this guy sucks, and yet, proceeded to date him, and he caused her years of pain because she kept allowing him into her life. She could have stopped dating him at any point. A non-abused person, or a healed person, would also go on a date with this guy, he doesn't only attract abused girls. But a non-abused person or healed person would notice signs of his selfishness and not go on more than two dates with him. A non-abused person/healed person would notice his patterns of pulling away, ignoring texts and being rude and tell him she's not interested in dating him anymore, or simply ghost him, which IMO, rude people who insult your appearance deserve to be ghosted. And then a non-abused/healed person would CHOOSE to date other people and meet new people.
When she messaged him on Bumble, that's not her attracting an abuser, that's her allowing a crappy person into her life, again, even after already knowing he sucks. If a not-abused or healed person saw a guy they already know sucks on Tinder or Bumble, they would not even match with the guy at all and keep swiping and CHOOSE nice, good people to allow into their life. She made that choice, which is why she, and you, and all abused people need to recognize you always have the power. You don't attract abusers, you choose them over and over. You settle for them. That was a choice you made. So give power back to yourself, please. You'll meet plenty of nice, good people attracted to you, and it's up to you choose the behavior of nice, good people.
@@amerikanka I agree with all of you, and will elaborate on one thing you mentioned about people who've healed... I believe that's the key. It's not just about our choices, it's where we're at in life. I think that becomes our compass for choices. If I'm a snake ("unhealthy person") slithering in the desert, I'll come across a ton of other snakes and likely choose one. But if I'm a bird ("healthy person") flying in the blue sky, I'll meet a variety of other birds, and creatures, to choose from. In regard to the 3 comments you're responding to, they each have valid points that I agree with too. Even after we heal, I think it's easy to slip into old patterns occasionally and send up that "snake signal". The trick is being aware, catching ourselves quickly and changing our navigation. That is imperative. IMHO, you're all correct. And BTW, don't be surprised if you show up at your 35th high school reunion and find out just how very many good guys had crushes on you, and were attracted to you too. We just had blinders on as teenagers and couldn't see it!
@@hipchicagal2111 I was only replying to the very first comment, so I agree as well with the last 2 comments as well.... Personally, I don't relate to slipping up romantically because I have never had a relationship with an emotionally abusive person, I've never chased someone who has a clear pattern of being hurtful, manipulative or unsupportive. But I understand that's not everyone's romance journey, you're right. And maybe it's because i'm on the avoidant spectrum that i'm hyper attuned to signs that i should avoid someone who is clearly destined to be a hurtful person, so I've only chosen to date the nice, supportive, interdependent people who took interest in me and have always rejected hurtful people or people who are themselves not healed and too codependent with me. For me it's clear as night as day. One can tell even from just messaging someone on a dating app when someone is showing signs of being belittling, manipulative, condescending dismissive or qualifying, unless they're a super covert narcissist, that can be hard to detect until months later, so I get that. But for the most part, crappy people have a lot of tells. But in other areas of my life like my finances and my career, which aren't as sexy as the topic of dating and romance, i know, but slipping up with my CPTSD affects those areas so I totally can relate on that parallel
super important truth a good friend snarled at me years ago after a bad break up with a "nice" guy... "he wasn't nice to you". this truth stopped my spiral down on myself for having this ng be mean and cruel to me and taking that blame on myself.
It's such a liberation to know we did not come to earth just for this half-baked human interaction from anyone.
We do have a spiritual purpose. This is way more important than acting like bees, etc, working our lives away, storing things and collecting good feelings.
I feel like I always settle for guys who don’t really treat me the greatest. They do in some ways, but in other ways, they really don’t. I would often want to leave but then feel like it may just be my mental illness stuff, and even if I did feel that my feelings were truly valid, then it often felt impossible for me to leave, because I felt like I needed them too much.
Healing is possible :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Had to pause and say 100% agree with Anna, YOU ARE NOT GARBAGE. Love and Hugs. 💞
Love the pink pencil!
By the way, the guy of the letter reminded me of my ex: at the beginning he was chasing after me, but then he became emotionally abusive. For Patty, I totally understand you. You're strong, and definitely you are enough, you are more than enough. Unfortunately we tend to think that we aren't because of the treatment that we received, but it's not true and you showed it. I admire you for having written that message to this guy, he totally deserved to be called on his bs
The pink pencil IS great :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Oh God. Yes. The hardest person on me is me. This is why am not good with people. Advice instead of support. Mental health labels instead of understanding & some basic level of empathy. So much shame & blame from first parents, now - so called friends. When extra adversity happens, it can & does dump me into the pit of despair.Which is ok...i get up every day out of the pit to sit & write. Writing has helped me to think more realistically. Still emotionally demolished in many ways, but at least thinking has improved. Due to the writing. This is huge. As a person who has landed in hospital when i felt overwhelmed in the past, the writing is THE ONE THING that has brought me back from the edge of not being able to think or do the most basic things. The hard emotions are still there. But writing to myself, i no longer feel so alone with it all. In fact, sitting with others is hard, because i tend not to speak my mind out loud to avoid controversy, and because when revealing true feelings, people, again - give advice or worse, tell you how you should feel - which is actually unhelpful when struggling with big feelings, on your own. Which i know is the situation for so many - whether we are actually alone, or whether we're in a family or situation where emotional support is just not there, for whatever reason.
Thank you for this post. I can relate to a lot of it, and it gives me hope that if I keep writing, I won't feel so alone in what I'm currently experiencing. Much love to you, Kim!!! 💜💜💜💜💜💜
@@squirrel_of_mistri8565 : Hi Squirrel_Of_Mistri : the writing is a thing that is easier to do than talking. It has brought me back to feeling i could get up & do things, such as basic basics - cleaning a little bit here & there - which is huge. The thing that convinced me was i listened to a program about women who were broken hearted who write for a living - journalists. Yes they were very emotionally distressed. But the thing that helped & still helps them, i think, is because they're used to writing stuff down. This is also what i noticed in the youger woman who was still very upset - she wrote - in an actual book/diary. I know when i was younger - teenage & into my 20s - if i wrote, i could keep it together. When life got too busy & i stopped writing - that's when i gave in to exhaustion - my mother needed a lot of my time and energy. If i had written how i really felt & thought about things, i may have had better health, despite the challenges. i still blame myself for not trusting my own common sense. But when you're desperate for some respite from the "love" of your mother - you tell yourself so many lies to keep yourself pressing on, despite the loneliness & sense of broken-ness inside yourself, from years of having to be "brave". God damn most of us are so brave we end up dead or almost from having to struggle on alone. On top of it - when everything inside you is crying out for some relief - you finally withdraw into your own world, where you cannot be lonely or hurt. There is great freedom in writing what you know you cannot say to others. It is mind healing to get clear with at least yourself about how you really feel. Even if it is only anger - this is where writing to yourself is great - because you're not unleashing fury on anyone - you're letting it go out of your mind & heart & onto the page - so you show yourself your feelings can be expressed in a way that doesn't hurt anyone. Sometimes we need to get honest with ourselves before getting honest with others. Thanks for reading.🦋
@@kimlec3592 I wrote out a long reply, but hit the backspace key and somehow that deleted the whole thing. 😖Anyway, I know what you mean about trying to get relief from how your mother treats you. In my case, also my sibling. Dad is gone, but I was fortunate to be able to make amends with him before he died. It is stressful, and at times it is heartbreaking. Trying to love people who treat you poorly and abandon you is hard to bear. I wound up retreating to struggle alone, because people can be very, very cruel.
I appreciate reading your story. I feel less alienated knowing there are people who *do* understand. Thank you so much. Hugs to you, Kim. 💜💜💜💜💜💜
Self recrimination is symptomatic of scapegoating, when we are bearers of family/ parental caregiver dysfunction, and therefore outmaneouvre our own specialness deserving ❤
Dear Patty, “trash” is a character trait, not a socio economic status. I too was born out of wedlock and my father was married to another woman the whole time. The only difference is, both my mom and dad were rich and famous. I have been abused verbally and physically by my mom and se.ually by my dad. That is trash. I’m not trash and you’re not trash. Your bf’s behaviour is trash no matter how “distinguished” his family is. You are a beautiful soul. 🌺
this guy only respects/wants/values women who treat him like trash - because he is trash = he's dysfunctional! He is not built right and never will be. This Lady did so great for not kissing him etc. She kept pretty good boundaries. Great advice Anna. Yes the first 12 weeks is information gathering and no sex zone- even Steve Harvey says no sex before 12weeks. Guys value us more when we don't put out. I think this lovely lady cried for a week cos this bought up all the hurt from the 1st time and did a deeper grief release because this guy disregarded her just like her deadbeat dad and bought up her childhood primary caregiver childhood abandonment wounds. Sending lots of love and well-wishes for this Lady as she is now one of us in the C.C.F. Club XOXOXO
That's a beautiful pencil. And a great color on the pencil and the dress.
Thank you! Cheers!
Recently went through something similar recently. I thought I'd done due diligence, but no. I feel so much for this person.
I absolulty adore this channel. It has been like a guiding light in a sea of darkness. I love the advice of taking it slow. A book that helped tremendously with learning to how slow down is "How To Avoid Falling In Love With A Jerk" by Jon Van Epp. Along with Anna's videos it's worth it's weight in gold.
Stay strong patty
These videos are the best. If these videos had been available years ago I would have avoided a lot of heart ache and sadness.
You’re lovable. Yes, you 😘❤️🙏
Repeating childhood abusive situations in your adult life is taking a path you know you can survive.
Excellent point!! We go towards what we know or what we feel we can deal with, anything else no matter how healthy feels strange and scary even if it might lead us to where we want to go!
I am 6 minutes in and it sound like me and every guy I ever have been with.
Anna, you at 27-28 minutes is PURE GOLD.
Trauma bond
The timing of this video couldn't be better. Thank you so much for everything you do Anna. You're helping so many of us 💞
You are so welcome! Grateful you're here. - Ashley, Team Fairy
The game was over for him and he told her flat out.
"I'm glad I could convince YOU to come out to see ME." Then he was done.
It was just part of the game for him.
Never let a man make you jump through hoops for him.
Her letter made me cringe because I've been there!
Stay strong and don't ever go back!!
It's all a lie.
Trust me.
I'm living it too.
❤️
Your insight is amazing. New subscriber, but I know I’m going to learn so much from your channel and heal. Thank you for this, and healing wishes to Patty for being brave enough to share her story with all of us! 💛
Welcome to the channel!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Oh Patti, I recognize so much of what you are describing in the letter. I have this old "lover" that gives me a drunken bootie call once a year or so. Thanx to Fairy Anna, I´ve realized how much my childhood trauma is still leading my steps, somehow. The other day I wrote him back, and I told him, that from now on I want to be chosen in broad daylight, and then it's not even certain, that I'm gonna say yes! I have never stood up for myself like that before, and it's very empowering. Good luck everybody with developing true self-love and self-care, from where healthy relationships grows, in my humble opinion.
We heard you, Patty, feel heard and accompanied!! We are with you and we want better for you, we care for you, the right person will come along, you will see!!
Thanks for the encouragement!
-Cara@TeamFairy
This guy seems pretty narcissistic. But this was an excellent video. Side note Anna, that color looks fantastic on you!
You're not alone, Patty. I'm glad you told him how you felt and blocked him. Definitely let him go. He's a non-factor in your future.
I saw myself in this letter/video and am sad that I kept someone in my life, who kept coming back, because my boundaries were flimsy. He initially dumped me 12 years ago but I let him keep coming back, as friends, then FWBs, until things ended in flames last year. He started a new relationship in Jan. 2021, slow faded me, and I found out in March. Now they're moving in together and in the year since finding out, my heart is still stuck, wishing he felt what I felt. But we had different experiences.
Every time I wish he would have told me instead of me finding out, I remind myself that he did - he was up front about wanting to be with other people over the years and I accepted it because at that point we were friends, which supposedly meant something. I wanted to play it cool and let him know I'd be there for him as he was for me. But he told me who he was the whole time.
I wish I hadn't been so nice. Even last year I was cordial when he'd reach out. I ache thinking of how much of a doormat I was, throughout the years, when it ended between us, and in the aftermath.
I'm sad and shameful that I may not have the opportunity to directly tell him how I feel, but I am working to redirect that energy into addressing how I let this happen and start loving and respecting myself. I wasn't sure CPTSD applied to me but am grateful to have found my way here. I have so much work to do. Thank you for your channel.
I'm glad you are here to work it out and heal :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Patty shouldn't even nod when she sees him...she should RUN!
the Universe sent me many "tests" while I was working on myself......if she never contacts or responds to him again.....she passes with flying colors
I know exactly what you mean. I have a “test” in my life right now that I just can’t get out of my mind. Bumping into him on the street just makes it harder.
It's strange because you are intelligent enough to know it but still allow the same thing to repeat.
This speaks to CPTSD being an injury in the brain
-Cara@TeamFairy
Wow !
That trash thing hit hard .
Trash is :
useless
disposable
unwanted
rejected
worthless ....
When I was 13 and in trouble and my mother asked my father for help with me , he told her to
" ...pick up her own trash ... "
The feeling of being without value cuts deep .
Those words were cruel, but they aren't true. The Daily Practice Anna teaches helps us get rid of thoughts like that bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
-Cara@TeamFairy
Guardrails around dating ….love it! At 19-22 I fell hard for a guy & let him come in & out of my life causing me incredible suffering & loss of enjoyment in much of my experience @ OSU….I regret it so much, but I clearly see it was me! My lack of boundaries, etc….a very nice guy was interested in me & I rebuffed him to suffer….this is the story of cptsd from childhood
Classic anxiously attached falling for a dismissive avoidant.
So grateful that I found this channel. You're the only person I know of who so Cleary explains these behaviours🙏
Sweet Fairy…you must be an Angel 👼 sent from Heaven to teach other’s how to find lasting resolutions and full recovery from CPTSD. There’s nobody else like you…You’ve changed so many lives. I deeply appreciate you 😁
My goodness. Thank you.
Thank you for normalizing and acknowledging. I feel so dumb sometimes thinking about how i acted in the past but didn’t know the ingrained responses were from the trauma. But your videos make me feel better
I don't think I have childhood cpstd, at least, not in the traditional sense. but I definitely have some of the impacts /behaviour you cover on this channel.... and oohhh, it's hard
"I'm a whole, wonderful human being just like you are" I want to cry. Thanks
Always learn from letter writers and this wonderful channel. I was fortunate with my parents but I still acquired some trauma from some incidents and aftermath. Knowing what others went through gives me more empathy that we are all, indeed, fighting our own battles. We all need a little tenderness.
You’ve got this Patty. Thank you for sharing your story and helping me learn more about myself xx
Brilliant, this is a very empowering response Anna.
5:57 to 6:05 = an Epic Crappy Childhood Fairy moment. And Patty, you are NOT trash!!! You are a diamond, which are only created in rough conditions. They don’t grow on money trees & are worth more than anything he could ever afford or deserve.
Lady, This is GOLD👌. Thank you!
Thank you Patty for sharing your story! It resonates. I am hoping to also take note of and let go of men like this!
Anna your insights are so helpful and healing. Thank you.
I'm so so proud of Patty. I hope you see and celebrate yourself, cause you have really really inspired me ✨✨
Thank you for your insights. Very helpful in my healing path.
To all the Sweet Patties out there...please take Anna's advice and immediately apply it to your life.
Don't scarf up the crumbs until your a torn up old woman.
God Bless.
Thanks for sharing :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Such a good therapeutic video explaining the complex trauma bonded state with great clarity... the painfully addictive cycle of abuse.
Exhausting, confusing, heartbreaking...but it is possible to genuinely break that cycle and to recognise one's personal responsibility and to take back one's power... so that we don't betray ourselves ever again.
W O W! This is amazing. Thank you Patty, for writing so bravely, and perfectly, about your experiences. ❤ My father led a double life also, but with a different scenario of dynamics. I didn't find out until 29 yrs ago, 2 yrs after his death. I was about your age. It's been really challenging for me to interpret how feeling that underlying dysfunction in my home, but not seeing or knowing exactly what it was, affected me as a kid. Other than I thought I was crazy, and everyone I talked to about it later looked like they felt I was too! No one had any idea, except for my Mother. Your letter totally put my experience into perspective. What an awesome gift you just gave to me, and to all of us! As I began to listen to your words the Mom in me wanted to scoop you up, adopt you, throw my shoe at "What's His Bucket", love and encourage you. I quickly realized that having YOU adopt ME would be the wiser choice! Haha! Kudos to you for all the hard work you've done and continue to do. You are by far wayyyyy ahead of the game. Trust me! I applaud you, and I assure you that you and your "Mr. Right" will absolutely find one another. Do not fret! Thank you Anna, as always, for your brilliant wisdom and insight! Man, I went through such a myriad of emotions during this one, with several "Ahhaaa!!!" moments. I'll be listening to this video often. It needs to strike me on my hard head, stick and sink in. Instead of the years of multiple 2X4's currently attached to my skull from repeating THIS behavior over and over again!!! Love to all in our "Fairy Tribe"!
P.S. I love the pretty new pencil, Anna. So thoughtful of your husband!
Always so informative ~ Thank You for all your Inspiration and Clarity...
Of course! Thank you for being here! - Ashley, Team Fairy
I just wanna say my gratitude to you. It helps me so much to go through these traumas. I wanna take your courses, definitely. I adore your honesty. Your honesty helps me the most. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
thanks Anna for all of your work and the things you share.............you have helped me and many of my friends clarify some of the CPSD issues of life....... thank you....namaste....... doug
I’m convinced that video like this is helpful the world in ways mainstream media never could or would. ✌🏾👌🏾🙏
So true! I’ve always heard…DATING is for collecting DATA.🧐
You are a beautiful human being that helps a lot of people!! She also sounds like a beautiful human being with her heart in the right place.
Awesome channel, your videos are so helpful for healing.
Bless her heart. I'm right there. Got back in touch with my past love from 15 yrs ago only to not once...not twice ....but 3 times I let him lure me in thinking he wanted me only to have him ghost & block me for no reason. Ghosting hurts worse than any pain I've ever indured. He told me he had a girl rip his heart out & stomp on it but that was the Karma he deserved. I really want to let him know I'd like to rip his heart out & stomp it too & that if he knows that kind of pain why would he inflict it on someone who showed nothing but love to him. It's heartbreaking! 💔
You are a lifesaver. I think the fact 500,000 plus people and growing, subscribers you have, not only shows just how badly your service is needed, but also so positive that in this crazy world so many people want to heal and make their world and our world a better place. Thank you, fellow survivors and thrivers, for all the good you do one step at a time. Blessings to you all and especially you, Anna, you’re a good egg!
this was the second of four of your videos i binge watched this evening. i am glad i ran across you and will watch more in the future.
Welcome!
-Cara@TeamFairy
It’s so nice to know why Im screwed up these ways you talk about in your videos, to know that I wasnt born effed up like this lol🙏🏼