Does The Narcissist Trigger You? How To Stay Sane
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 30 ก.ค. 2023
- Narcissists can be pervasively insensitive as they engage with you, meaning they can say and do all sorts of things to trigger your emotions. Dr. Les Carter discusses the importance of having a sober, reality-based mindset as you position yourself to respond with steadiness.
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. For 40+ years he maintained a counseling practice in Dallas, conducting more than 65,000 therapy sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.
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You often find yourself in the position of having to defend yourself against their never ending accusations. I don't bother anymore because he always wins by twisting everything that gets said. You can only take so much of the jerkball conversations. I'm often amazed at how adept narcissists are at playing victim.
Those accusations were a trigger for me as well, back in the day. The accusations were usually attacking my honesty or integrity or motives, knowing I place a high priority on those very things. It caused me react poorly. Until I learned to grey rock, knowing I could never convince an accuser, even with proof, because that just started a whole new round of accusations (of being defensive, usually).
It's hard not to engage in conversation, but it's the only way! Avoid engaging in conversation!
Same I just quit arguing with my daughter because she gaslights everything and her reason for not doing anything is "because I don't feel like it and I don't think I should have to" (move a computer for example). I'm trying to survive 1.5 years longer til she's 18. Her dad is a narcissist and my mom spoils her.
yes, its a rabbit hole , they frazzle your thinking and logic and facts fly out the door..
@@vhayashi7369 Hang in there! We're here for you.
It's really sad, there seems to only be two outcomes of living with a narcissist. Leave or stay with such high boundaries it is a near silent living relationship.
exactly.
He will eventually leave if you gray rock out of it
Yep. My father tried both. I'm still stuck on the forever-collapsing boundaries.
@@1windyoldbird boundaries are there to break them...for them it seems as soon as they discover one, they need to go against it, reasonable or not
The only real boundary is no contact.
Putting up a boundary is disrespectful to them and they love the challenge of breaking it and punishing you for even trying.
The only way you can deal with these monsters is to constantly remind yourself they are mentally ill.
My Narcissistic ex-husband actually enjoyed seeing me get flustered or frustrated…
In fact, he used to snicker and suppress his mocking laughter when his mind games successfully brought me to the point of reactionary anger! So sadistic!!
my dad did the same to my late mum :{
Dr C has done vids on what he calls the narcissistic smirk.....they love it when you get flustered. Worse....they feel good when something goes wrong for you, or if you have sad or bad news, etc...
Same here. @@justmyopinion526
It's not an excuse, but they were probably abused children. I knew someone like that at work. I didn't allow him to trigger me but he told me what he did to his wife and kids.
@@redwatch. 🥺
The other day, a narcissist I have to stay in contact with, was harassing me and flinging accusations. I have been using the grey rock method for a while now, sending emotionless responses shutting down the conversation.
He said, "What happened to you? You used to at least defend these accusations. You've become so soft!"
I took that as a compliment, and a direct indication of my own healing. I was still triggered, but not in a way that he was able to see. Further, he will soon receive a restraining order to really reiterate my point that I'm not taking his shit anymore.
Gentleness is strength. An overpowering person reeks of inner weakness.
Good for you..be ready for retaliation
@@nylaclancy2655 oh, it's been ROUGH! The retaliation has been stronger than ever! But, I was expecting that. All I have to do is keep documentation now, and his actions are going to work against him. Of course, it will always be my fault in some way, according to him. However, I have become more grounded in my own reality, and much less susceptible to manipulation recently, and it's rewarding to watch him struggle as his control over me dissipates.
I've been struggling for my whole life with this kind of treatment, and it's amazing how healing works. Feels like nothing is changing, and then suddenly you realize how much you have grown.
Life gets so much easier when you stop trying to "fix" someone else, stop trying to change how they treat you, and learn how to give yourself the kindness and compassion you deserve, instead of them!
@@SurvivingNarcissismwell said
🎯SPOT ON!
I learned to act oblivious, basically play dumb,as if i don't know they're playing the poke and provoke game! I respond with their own tactic of diverting from topic( of provoking) to something neutral like dinner perhaps....
It's called flipping evil for good.
Boy, do they hate that with a passion!! 😁
# narc proof and sane!!
Poke and provoke, precisely! 🎯
Narc proof and sane!! I love that....we could all get that on a T shirt
Sandra. Definitely diversionary tactics 👍
I notice 2 things that they do when they trigger me. 1. they waste my TIME. They have no value of time, they are like floating in space without any value of their future or their life in general. 2. They waste my SPACE. They follow me, they block me when I'm walking and shopping and do things. They come out of nowhere and they totally ruin flow. It's insane how they do these things, but it's because they waste their OWN TIME and SPACE.
I found the best way to be (nearly) unbothered was/is to learn about narcs and their behaviour (meaning: being part of Team Healthy, thank you Dr C!) and then breath in and out, let them be, not try to change or heal them and surround myself with healthy, supporting people.
👍🏼 same here. Dr. C.: a true blessing 4 me and many, many others!
Well said. Narcissism survival in a nutshell👍👍
You got this!
Sounds good. Where can I get a new job, narc free?
UR PunkROCK!
They force you to defend yourself, then exploit the regret and shame we feel about having played their own game for even a few seconds.
My parents 'trained ' me into that mindset early on. My father's favourite "what have you done", my mother with disdain and silent treatments. Like cult deprogramming, dr c. Is the antidote! If you 'own' yourself, nobody else can own you. Now ive accepted that they are a negative force (i didnt want to accept my own parents could be ao negative), im like, i haven't done anything, what have they done...... show me contempt and disdain, not my problem..... disagree,that's fine by me, but I'm okay with my own thoughts. Allow yourself to be you, be your best self, be as kind compassionate and loving towards yourself and others as they should be and you'll have little reason to defend yourself ✌
Be in peace with yourself, it’s the beginning life long romance.
So true, Fred.
Hi Fred K. Great to see you. What a lovely and forward looking comment. Thank you!
I told him that he does not get to alter reality anymore. I will never get to truly tell him how much he has hurt me because he immediately gaslights and deflects with hurtful things that have nothing to do with it. Knowing the truth allows us to get past this hell better. I will spend my energy on rebuilding my life. Thank you for all you do, Dr. Carter, you are helping so many of us.
A former narc friend of mine, emailed me accusing me of having "a little secret". We haven't spoke or seen in over 2 years. Fine with me. I have NO idea of what he's talking about with the "little secret" remark. I deleted the emails.
Congratulations on recognizing and ignoring that attempt to bait you into responding.
The “chronic undertow of irritability” you nailed it. Every damn day. Doesn’t matter what good things are going on, leave it to them to find the one thing out of place that they’ll harp on and bitch about.
We used to say about my malignant narc father...'You could hand him a sack of cold hard cash 💸 💰, free & clear~& he would still find something to complain about.'
And don’t forget whatever it takes to destroy your good times.
@@istateyourname4710 Yep..Literally no gratitude whatsoever.
YYYYYYYYYYEP!!!!!!!!!!
@@Rebecca-kp2jo NNNNNNNNNNONE!!
Ok I'm really getting a lot out of this! It's so good to know I'm not actually crazy and making this up. I've been gaslit for so long, it's so reassuring to know other people go thru this too.
Glad it resonates. Keep learning!!
700k subs with very similar stories!
Trust me dear...There are millions of us out here that have quietly dealt with similar 💩,this community is actually quite large so you're far from alone🫶👍🏻.
When I started counseling, the first time I knew I was starting to heal was when the counselor immediately had an answer for my issue. In my mind I thought that if she answers fast then others had that problem then I wasn't alone and the oddball. If I wasn't alone, I wasn't odd and isolated. I suddenly felt like a member of the human race and heaved a sigh of relief that at times, I still feel in myself.
I definitely thought I was alone too
Remove the “buttons they push. Practice this and then you gain more stable grounding and freedom. (Of course they may get agitated, that gets challenging). Always remember, calm confidence is key and we think differently. Thank you for those, Dr. C.! 😊❤
They ALWAYS get agitated!
I think I know what you mean here, but please elaborate for the others who might not. It might make all the difference.
@@aaronkwolfeAs far as “buttons”, whatever you feel annoyed by, they make sure to do it for a reaction. Whatever hurts you, they bring that topic up for a reaction. They want you to spiral and lose your confidence. When you remove the buttons and reactions, their triggering is no longer effective. Everyone has their limits and I just do the best I can.
@@tbunnyshy1 YES! Exactly what I was hoping for. They study you to know what those buttons are. They know when to press those buttons to get the best return for their work. Removing (or disconnecting) them gives you freedom.
I read your comment tbunnyshy and pow....straight to my understanding zone!!!...I agree completely....removing the buttons is a skill learned further down the healing path, when you've done the hard work of identifying what they are doing with your buttons.
I think your comment could be a topic for a whole new vid👍👍
Wasting effort being angry with a narcissist for doing the things they do is like being angry at mosquitos for being bloodsuckers. it's just their nature.
Narcissistic behavior is so textbook! The only variable in their behavior seems to be the 'how' they play their manipulating games.
I know he has to create chaos.
He knows he has NPD.
I will get a reprieve when I ask:
Do you want me to walk on egg shells (around you)?
I’m married to a covert narcissist, 21+ yrs, called him out on it, now he is aware & is on a waiting list to be with a professional he can’t manipulate (or lie to or use as supply). 🙄
He struggles & he suffers as much as I do & I understand there’s very little hope for a 60+ yr old man to form new brain pathways, so I mostly avoid him…
Sometimes, I would ask the Alexa device (turned up loud) to define narcissistic personality disorder twice in a row. He hears it & he stand upright (almost proud bow?!) and leave me alone to stew, but he is aware of his disorder.
I wouldn’t do that Alexa technique to a child, and do not do it often, but for us it worked.
He is not violent in our home but he does get even by being passive aggressive 🤷♀️
Ugh
My daughter wants us to go back to being "us." I received that info via text last week. In my head, I thought, oh you need a narcofix. I'm learning.
She said she didn't want to discuss anything that happened in the past. Just move on.
I said we can't move on without a mediator to help us deal with our problems.
She says no I just want to forget about what you said and move on.
Nothing about her actions that pushed me to that place where I snapped. It took me three years of her crap to make me snap. I was in denial that whole time.
So she said let's talk on the phone. I didn't want to hear her voice. I texted her. She said no texting. So I texted her again and said one step at a time. We'll talk with a moderator until we have the tools we need to not fight.
Now the attempt at pulling me back in is over. I'm sad missing my granddaughter more than I can say. I avoided another round with my daughter and it was sort of fun ignoring her demands. I'm pretty sure there will be a punishment coming. She must be furious with me. I don't miss the person she has become. I do miss how close we once were for 40 years.
This is all so true for all these Narcs
my daughter gets worse with age too. I got out of hospital from a crash and she drove across the country to "Help". I could not believe her abusive behavior and told her to leave.
@@wisconsinfarmer4742 Good for you! You don't have to put up with that horrible behavior anymore! Absolutely not!
@@michellehill718 Like the original poster has so nicely described, we owe it to ourselves not to be their targets.
I'm sorry. I got triggered myself reading the games she plays with you. No accountability. You are doing the right thing right now.
My ex had a very abusive father who would criticize constantly and put down any attempts he made to please him. He became just like his father, though. After watching this video; I think the only power he had as a child (and especially as an adolescent ) was to trigger his father, even though he paid the price physically. It must have given him some feeling of control or revenge, in the midst of all that powerlessness and anguish, to know that he could make his father react. It is so sad. I feel such compassion for the little boy he was. And yet, I see that his behavior is his choice. Yes, he is wounded and yes, he has chosen consistently to behave with concealed malevolence and satisfaction at manipulating others. I just want out. Now I need healing as well.
You and I have the same story. I am sorry to hear you are going through this as I can 100% empathize. My ex's father was very verbally abusive and he feared him so much that he built a defense mechanism of lying to not "face the wrath" a very maladaptive coping mechanism -and as a child that was ok (survival) but as a grown man, constant lying was so destructive. I also feel so much compassion for the little boy as well. But now, I learned (as I am codependent) that I cannot fix him. I pray for him and hope that one day he will change so he can be free from this.
The narc made a conscious decision to be the way they are ...we Must do the same thing .
Hi Texas Patty. You nailed it! great comment. Us choosing health, goodness, peace, calmness, self care...etc...is what separates us. We will grow and they will not.
It's sad, because they could if they chose to and wanted, but it's likely many narcs are incapable of emotional growth.
Nice to see you Patty. Hope you are ok
@@sturobertson6791 ...hello my friend , I'm well . We are trying to beat the heat here in Texas , it's a real thing .
I know that narcs can make really great choices , I know that more often than not , they choose not to . I've seen extremes of gentle kindness to the most vile & cruel of behaviors . I know that they will kill you if they get a chance . What a struggle must be constantly brewing in these creatures 😳😓 they have their own customized brand of torture .
It's the Narcissist's "job" to trigger you 😅When he isn't able to push your emotional buttons anymore, you have done a great job - by working on yourself 😊
Dr Carter, your colours of red and blue trigger me 😉 Looking forward to stay sane 🙃
I always like hearing from you, Roxi. Maybe I need to wear more gray!!
@@SurvivingNarcissism Thank you, that's very kind of you, Dr Carter! Colours are fine for life is colourful as the rainbow 🌈
it took me 10 years to finally say “I would be more worried if I did understand your thinking, it’s not my responsibility to explain this to you.” instead of engaging with this particular person’s nonsense. it’s so hard to accept that they are what they are but when you finally get there, whew what a relief.
You get it.
Good morning ☀️ I have gone into zero emotional contact - though we are still married and living together.
Quite difficult 😢
Stay strong, Kimberly.
@@SurvivingNarcissism Thanks Dr. C - we should all be Generals in the Army 🪖 Against Narcs 👍
I'm right here with you.
I’m so tired of dealing with Narcissists!!!
I feel that in the case of a malignant narcissist it's a whole different ball game. My sister is one and she gets off on hurting me, which she does with every chance she gets. And if she can't hurt me, she's constantly signaling that I'm stupid, a failure, a narcissist, and what have you. And that's just what she does when I'm around. But you should hear her talk about me when I'm not there... it's like living with a target on my forehead. This has been going on for 46 years. I decided I'm done with her and went no contact. Is it even possible to keep contact without being constantly used as a punching bag? I feel with a malignant narc there's only one solution: get out, fast and far.
Yes, with a malignant, getting out
is not just the best way,
It's the Only Way.
I have a Cousin we call Windy the Idiot Wind" ( her only Glee is RUINING MY NIECES shower
I don’t think so. I went no contact with my sister and parents. Best decision I’ve ever made.
True, malignant narcissists are a whole different ball game. My late mother-in-law was mostly a covert narcissist, but at times would switch over to malignant narcissist -- she could be very cruel! Insane how this seemingly sweet, *kind* soul had such a vicious side to her. So thankful she is gone from our lives.
Since I’m down to one narcissist what he does when he knows I’m out of my bedroom is he puffs himself up, he’s 6’2 and I’m 5’2, walks around with a evil mean look on his face and has the demeanor of fe fi fo fum. I try to avoid him but the last time I encountered that behavior I went into defending mode because I don’t trust him behind my back. He does other actions like observing me to see what mood I’m in or whatever he can make out of my actions. I’m a very quiet person and he doesn’t like it if he doesn’t know what I’m thinking. He knows that I will not allow him to talk to me so sometimes he leaves notes, I refuse to give him any response as I don’t have to. I make sure my vehicle is not in his driveway so I don’t have to listen to him tell me to move it. I have a couple months left in his house and I’ve been moving my things out and into a storage unit so they are ready for transport when I move. Hurray for me, I will no longer be his escape goat and even though he abuses his other friends and supply at least it won’t be me 😁
My sister is my narc. And growing up I was always told to be the bigger person, ignore her when she abused me and be un derstanding that she is just jealous of me but she's my sister and she has depression so I should not say anything. There's only so many times that can be said before I snapped. I finally let her have it and sent all the saved emails and text messages of her saying some horrific things to everyone in the family with the explanation that this is why I want nothing to do with her ... and after that everyone said wow they didn't realize how bad it was so they stopped trying to get us together. I had to finally stand up for myself at the age of 40 to make it stop.
You did the right thing .
You absolutely did the right thing! I wish I had gone no contact with my sister when I was 40😏. I was 52 yrs old when I started grey rocking her & 58 when I finally went no contact. I just turned 59 & it’s almost been no contact for a year. Couldn’t have found the strength/confidence to do this without Dr. C & a few other professionals I’ve found online who address narcissism. I personally think, in my circumstance, this was the best way to stand up for myself. I’m actually starting to feel like I’m finally living my life instead of living the life the narcissist in my life dictated I live.
@@denisem4575 yes its so freeing isn't it!!!
My higher priorities consist of dignity, respect, and civility.
My ex baited me one time at the end of our relationship and in a weak moment I blew up. Afterwards I saw her smile to herself. I had reacted just like she wanted. I thought, “Man she got me!” It was a clarifying moment for me. I made sure it never happened again. I learned from it.
How typical 😂 it’s getting their thrill that motivated the juvenile behavior, so just write it off as a learning mistake that becomes a great self control lesson
Same for me! Hard lesson to learn. And I finally have.
Now free, calm, at peace, and I know my healthy relationships and treasure them
They want you to become them!
It's an energy exchange.
They accuse you of their traits and claim yours as their own.
# trickery
Quietly think to yourself: *I* am a large block of
*ICE* in a huge deep-freezer-ice-house with a constant
temperature of minus 60 degrees celsius. If the
ice-house-doors stay closed, then I won't melt a
single drop. I'll just chill and enjoy, *ICE-STYLE*
I like that analogy!
Well done as these people thrive on chaos, drama, lies, manipulation and are flat out toxic. Best to steer clear and be alone and sane than this nonsense. Also am now seeing better people who’ve been through a narcissist experience before
Excellent topic!!!! I am a psychologist who is dealing with my elderly narcissistic mother and father who has OCPD. Both have Alzheimer's disease, can't hear, and are in their late 80's. I am currently taking of them and we all live together. Their mental health disorders are getting worse as is the case with mental health disorders worsening with age. This is such a relevant topic for me and had to comment :) Everyday I face many triggers and have gone from walking away to yelling back. It is so very difficult to deal with the anger and hateful thoughts! I just want them to pass away and then I will be rid of the toxicity! I will celebrate that day! I say this because often times the internet only discusses ways to deal with a narcissist; that to me doesn't really address the scope of their disorder. Would you take a teaspoon of poison each day? No!!! I have tried everything to get them to a senior/nursing facility and they refuse to go and actually have tried everything to get them out but have failed. I could become a conservator but in order to do that I have to get a signed document from their physician and both refuse to go to the doctor!! That is the reality for me!!! My advice is to end any relationship with a narcissist immediately as they will never get better!!! So thank you for addressing ways to deal with the triggers!!! I have been taking care of my parents for 3 years and just now it is getting better for me as I am learning to deal with the triggers and focus on my main goal of someday getting rid of them!!! ALL LOVE TO EVERYONE ALWAYS!!!!
In being controlled reactions to narcs badness, is for your benefit. Sorry for the very difficult situation you discribe.
@@psmith6512 Thank you ever so much ❤
Oh Debra , I understand so well the situation you are in , I also understand how relieved you will be when it's over . I know I was . My night terrors ended , my anxiety lessened , my sleep is better , but my healing is also very important as well . I wish you the best of luck in your decision to heal . God bless you .
Taking care of one parent with alzheimers is difficult enough with help. I sure feel for you. Can you get some help from anyone else in the family or friends? That's not always an option either. Will they sit on the porch any so you can get a little space outside? Dear God please helpnthis person dealing with all this. It is a lot on them. Bless them with some help and a little distance forntheir sake.
Dear Debra, I am very sorry to hear about your situation and also shocked that you on your own are taking care of both your mentally ill parents. I myself do have a Narcissistic mother as well, who has Altzheimer's. She is living in the same house but luckily she has her own flat. I took care about her, but also deceided to look for help from the goverment, which was a very good decision. Now she has a counselor from the goverment, who is responsible for her from finances to health. This has been about 3 years ago. Last year I decided to minimize my contact, which means I do never enter her flat anymore because of her very agressive behaviour and ongoing insults which I could not stand anymore. In the beginning I felt quite guilty but nowadays I feel much more peace. - I do not know in which country you are living but is there any possibility for you to get help from elsewhere? It will be a much better alternative for your own sanity. I am wishing you all the best and hope you will find a good solution!!! Take care of yourself! 🙏💛🙏
There are times when I thought that coming back to the narcissist with a better insult would help.The truth is that I can't live with myself if I act like that. One of the results of going higher with the narcissist is that you are not giving them the attention and sense of power they crave and not validating underhanded behavior. Nothing is so upsetting to a narcissistic is not understanding their "greatness"
I saw him gradually sink lower as I chose the higher path… his last email because I forgot to block that method of contact was a forward from a sex worker about some photos 🤦♀️ DO NOT go down their slippery slope to hell!
That's so true Ann .
It is good that you keep your integrity and don't sink to a low level.
It is often not possible, at least not immediately, to ignore or shun a narcissist. And they will stalk you and attempt to destroy your reputation even if you stay away. partners or co-workers can't just be ignored.
I thought that I was able to gain some respect with my former narcissist boss but when I calmly but firmly stood my ground, she shifted to doing terrible things behind my back. In the end, the only thing that worked was making clear that I would expose her with lots of evidence to people higher up in the corporate leadership unless she left me alone.
One single word from her to me and I would unleash everything and continue for years if need be. I never heard from her again. Regrettably it seems as only a deep seated fear of exposure of their behavior and true nature is the only thing that will scare them away and stay absolutely quiet.
@@thabomuso2575 I agree but the narc. like you to lose your calm. Then if you do holler back the narcissist plays the victim.
@@thabomuso2575 What I also did was grey rock and get away from them if I could.
Nothing these narcissist do shock me anymore. Their continued behaviour becomes validation for me. No guilt here for making the right decision to bail out fast. I did it for me this time. Thank Dr C for more validation.
Excellent video!! Holy cow these toxic individuals are antagonistic to the max! Honestly, I didn't even know what was happening to me, I would describe it as, .. he brings out the WORST in me! 🤦 Exhausting!! Infuriating!! 🥺 Thank you Dr C for being on this journey with me, you help me soo much, mostly to validate that I am NOT imagining this & I'm not going crazy! I know NOW that the narcs ultimate goal is to CONFUSE, so that I am EASIER to dominate and control.
You get it, Julie!
I know what you mean I felt the exact same way for over 33 years they suck the living day lights out of you and leave you feeling empty and exhausted but extremely confused ,stay strong ❤
Don t even have to watch the video before I answer a resounding ",yes""!
Let's work on that!!
@@SurvivingNarcissism trying...your videos help Dr C lol
In conversations with others, when my partner is present, he hates to be contradicted or have to listen to others opinions, especially mine :/ I have noticed this alot. He will just go quiet. It is not a two way conversation very often. Sometimes he even talks over me and ignores what I have just said. I have now decided to later say one thing to him, which is, Not Acceptable. It makes me feel better. He then wants another conversation with me but I walk away and go quiet and next day its like it never happened.
Pull the "trigger" on your own healthy higher priorities!!!! Live in your values. Put first your respect and civility. No one is allowed to treat me that way. I am the boss of me!!! Freedom to choose. Respect. Listen. Coordinate. Be uplifting and seek mutual good. Be an encouraging presence. Be your authentic self!! Bond. Connect. Truth always. Patience and PEACE!!!
Wow!! Your comment says it all and will help anyone who reads it! Thank you
@sturobertson6791 Thanks for your encouragement. We're all in this together. Go,Team Healthy!
My Narcissist husband used the people he had tried to triangulate me with. His mother was one. He would bring up something about her that was unfavorable... Expecting me to react. I gave none... I learned that my reactions to his baiting was unnecessary on my part. The Gray Rock method became my exit to the nowhere conversation with him. No more triggers for me...silence created peace for me. It's a no win game they play.
Tbh it really is horrible guarding against it, you go into a shell, you blank out or even shut down into yourself completely.or of course it can go completely the other way and you end up behaving worse than the narcissist. But the Doc is completely right. You're not them, or better or worse than than them, you are you. Whatever that is, good or bad. No one can decide what you are exept yourself
I genuinely believe the last several months, I was walking around half-asleep all the time, which was getting in the way of me getting any of my own work done at home, interfering with my sleep, etc., as I increasingly tried NOT to react to anything at work.
It's been over for about a week now, and I already seem to be sleeping better.
@@henrykujawa4427 you're not alone. As you can see there are many of us all gathered here, trying to keep our heads above the water. Glad to hear your work situation has improved 👍
I’m dealing with a whole family of them, so yes it’s impossible not to be triggered. I’ve tried everything and it’s just inevitable that it’s going to fail, they are awful people and I can’t take the high road anymore.They’re not entitled to slander, lie and manipulate and threaten me. I’ve gone no contact, ignored them, and set boundaries and they won’t stop, so I’m done taking their punishment. I feel I have no other choice but to call them out and expose who they are. I know that is what they fear the most, so my only protection is my truth.
Learn the art and craft of debate and how to keep your cool under pressure. They can not handle someone being able to hold them on topic and expose and shut them down at will.
It works well and will force them to have to keep walking away in defeat instead of you and their egos can not tolerate losing to their own game.
My sister triggered me to a full anxiety disorder breakdown. I don't talk to her anymore. 😣😣
They love to trigger us, I started speaking to an old boyfriend my very first boyfriend when I was 16. I never understood the dynamics and what happened to me. Understanding, narcissism, and speaking to him now as a grown man 65 years old. Wow, it only took two days for him to start triggering me. All the bells and whistles went off. I’m glad I had this closure even if it was 45 years later.
“They will tell, they won’t discuss.”🎯🎯
I am not playing along with that.
I always have this in mind when I visit my mother and it helps me a lot not to get triggered.
"It's almost surprising when they're not being that way." Great vid, so concise and helpful.
Glad you liked it!
Narcs can't without drama. It's a drug they can't live without. A peaceful co existence is completely unthinkable, unbearable to them. They will needle you over and over until you finally react and then they're satisfied, blissful even. While you're sobbing in front of them from stress and emotional exhaustion, they're sitting there with a smirk on their face. Mission accomplished.
I often find myself in situations with my mom like this. One day I was talking to her on the phone about the weather and gas prices. She just says out of nowhere, “ I’m not senile, I know how the gas prices are. “ Do you think I’m a dumb --, and that I don’t keep up with that stuff? “ I told her I was just talking about everyday things. I asked her was I not suppose to talk about that stuff.
That's the sign of a tragically insecure person.
You know they are losing the argument as soon as they start having to drag the discussion off into being a debate over things totally unrelated to what the discussion is about. Learn the art and craft of debate and then use those techniques to hut down their attempts to derail the discussion into a debate over nothing relevant.
They will walk away every time out of frustration for having not gotten their way. Do it enough and they will just stop trying to push you around in general.
So hard when you love a narcissist, getting to that point of expecting them to always be narcissistic. Every sermon my wife attends on self love I am like, that one will get through to her, only to be let down once again. 😢
They are broken people.
@@Qazwdx243 I am going to have to still see her for 14 years of child custody exchanges. 🥲
No matter how you try, you will lose it.
You're forgiven. These people are walking triggers.
The trick to effectiveless triggering is to unload. When I chose to be harmless, every attempt to trigger me only caused me to smile and perhaps raise my eyebrows. And that’s it.
Aaron, if this would be so easy as you described "your solution", nobody would ever be triggered. For me this sounds like a logical maths function: trigger comes - unload trigger : harmless attitude = smile
"Your solution" may work when you have broken free from the trauma bond or when you at least know your counterpart is a Narcissist, but I am sure it will not work when you are not aware that the other person is toxic. I remember a situation when I was totally harmless and got so triggered that I was not able to move or speak for several minutes. And I was not smiling, but terrified to death because a core wound has unconsiously unblocked.
Bless you, Aaron. This shows shear will and determination on your behalf. I'm glad you no longer have to put up with this madness!
@@roxymovie3938 Yeah, you’re right. Becoming untriggered can really only be a response to having been triggered. It takes self-awareness (something a narcissist doesn’t have) to realize my own negativity in a situation and change the situation. It is a process, not a one-off event. But once that process becomes a pattern, no one can trigger me, because I can sense the red flags and respond rather than react.
@@amandaliverpool3374 Amanda, you have NO IDEA how conflicted I was when my daughter began to confess her mother’s tactics. I wanted to rejoice over her mom being exposed, I wanted to protect my daughter from future abuse, I wanted to nurture her wounds with healing, I wanted my (estranged, narcissistic) wife to get the help she really needs, I wanted to laugh at my wife’s undoing, I wanted to reach out to my wife’s new target, I wanted to reconnect with my wife’s former targets, I wanted to nurse my own wounds once again. This stuff is so insidious.
I've taken the opposite tack and have reacquainted my narc neighbor with my anger
Amen. Drop the shock. The cobra will strike, so expect it and depart accordingly.
Was able to listen to this video twice on way to work. The thing that sunk in the most is that they delight when you react poorly. I will not give mine this satisfaction ever again no matter how much it hurts in the moment. Fortitude.
After being blocked ghosted for 2 years she triggered me by waiting for me to come down the street waving then then i mistakenly asked if she wanted to talk and she did but within 2 minutes the gaslighting started, when i calmly spoke the truth her anxiety and panic set in and that was that, they cannot face their fears, shame or insecurities and admit they are less than perfect ie: human. It has to be projected onto you, the convenient scapegoat, not anymore, thank you Dr C
Moving towards a non-triggered interaction with toxic individuals is not an easy task. Dialectic Behavioral Therapy teaches a three stage integrated approach: Mindfulness, Emotional Regulation, and Interpersonal Dynamics.
Mindfulness is being aware of what is happening through your senses and the associated memories and bodily sensations we call emotional responses. Emotional Regulation are the steps we can take to calm our emotional reactivity. Interpersonal Dynamics represents the causal relationship of our responses and interactions with others and the good or bad effects that arise compared to what we hope would happen.
We were never taught these things in school or growing up. It involves lifelong learning. The most important thing is to add space between the trigger and the response, to take a breath or whatever other healthy response works before reactively letting loose. Take a moment, count to ten, throw cold water on your face, take a slow deep breath, leave the area, etc. We have more agency than we realize; our goal is to choose our response rather than to emotionally react. Of course analytic understanding of triggers can be a life-long but rewarding process.
Many of us are in the same boat, and you are not alone. We are all human, but take the time to believe that we can figure this all out and do better next time, that there is hope and there are answers even if that hope and freedom seems unreachable in the moment.
Hang in there, take a moment and remember help is available, that you are not alone.
Peace. ✌️🙏
I lost that respect towards the people who have abused me mentally and physically. I’ve weeded out a few people out of my life and I feel good about it. As the saying goes “I miss me and I want me back “. This is my time to shine and my time to do what I need to for myself and heal and I don’t care if it comes across as selfish. Too bad. Cute pup in the background 🥰
Well said! Self care is not selfish!
When you get good at self care, you become the best version of you for healthy others
@@sturobertson6791 I’m counting on it because I’m getting really tired of attracting the wrong people. I’m sure I have some toxicity myself being my family background but I also know I have some very good personality traits. I’m mostly quiet unless I have something to say, I enjoy my alpine and Nordic skiing as well as backpacking and camping and I can do all those all by myself. 👍
Boundaries to them mean I am going to plow through it, see if I can make you mad, and then bait you with it all the time. They do understand the word lawsuit. Trespassing doesn't phase them. Never have I seen such ignorance and disrespect out of highly educated people.
Yes, Dr. C., my freedom to choose was obstructed by the ex-narcissist's actions as a practiced liar. I would never have entered a relationship with him if I had known what was behind the mask. I continue to live authentically and kindly, in peace, having discarded the narcissist and have never looked back.
God had me move away from the environment that I grew up in and then had me come back to that environment to show me what it really was like.. Me being healthy did not change the unhealthy environment at all..
I just won't tolerate these people anymore. I mostly grey rock them, because they just aren't receptive to anyone. Recently I had to really tell one off in a public kind of way and he was dancing around not wanting anyone to hear what I said. Then he came back to taunt, maninipulate, and antagonize again. He needed to understand we are not pushovers. They just think they are someone special and run all over you if you let them. Bottom line and fire is not what I like to do, but geez. Get a clue. Boundaries are boundaries period.
I am currently in the last phases of separating myself from my family which has been controlled by my narc sister and the family flying monkeys -- one of which is my mother. As I have been the family scapegoat -- I was in the past the go to for everything and anything -- you name it -- it happened to me -- in terms of the behavior which comes along with narcs. A few years back, with the help of God's guidance, I began to realize that it was not right for my narc sister and my family to control my life to the degree that I am forever a scapegoat. I also began to realize no matter what good I did -- I would never be able to reason with my family. I said all of the aforementioned to say that with this realization came also the realization of how much I was being triggered by my family -- and how much they enjoyed doing this to me. Even more mind boggling to me is as professing Christians -- they all feel it is their God given right to classify me as a scapegoat and accordingly trigger me. Which, this only makes my family's continued efforts to trigger me -- even when I no longer allow myself to be triggered -- to be all the more childish as well as pathetic. Simply put -- I have put my efforts into doing what I need to do in terms of taking care of myself and going after goals that I want to attain. Since my family wants to waste their lives by me living in their heads to the degree that they waste time by trying to figure out ways to trigger me -- then so be it. I'm moving on with my life and now beginning to enjoy the freedom which comes from the narc's march towards total loss of control in my life.
Sounds like you lived in my house growing up . Hello fellow scapegoat . 👋
Thank you Dr. Les. I co-parent with a narcissist. We had mediation a few days ago and he did the name calling and try to provoke me with triggers. It took every ounce of me to NOT respond. I was not surprised by his childish immature behavior. I laughed in my mind when the mediator suggested him to calm down and take a parenting education course and a co-parenting app to succeed. The narcissist was upset to be ordered to pay child support.
This vid has triggered many supportive and informed comments.
I think being triggered is something to do with still being "under the narc's spell"....because you still hope they can change...you sacrifice your own well being to try to "react" to them with hopeful comments/acts.
When we learn this doesn't work and stop trying to help them (or explain ourselves) we learn we have the power to feel better and healthier...we get better at not being triggered
Yes, Stu. It feels unnatural for an empathic person to not try to help. A narcissist will prey on that.
@aaronkwolfe Cheers Aaron...I think I learned from you the business of being more discerning about trying to help...or offering kindness...I recognise the empath in me, and now a healthy chunk of my kindness is for me!!!
We empaths are never without hope. I look back upon the 'shape shifter' I used to be & barely recognize that person today. I now have hope in me & the beat goes on...always appreciate your attitude of gratitude, Stu.💙
@istateyourname4710 Hi State. It's really nice to read your comment. I understand your words so well!! I too look back at the person who enabled / allowed the punches, the insults, the smashing of photos and ornaments, the throwing of the Christmas tree with lots of things on it my kids had made....all smashed...and many more horror stories.
I smile with relief asI realise how my life is now normal and calm. And YES!! I appreciate you all. My life would not be ok and calm if it hadn't been for you all!!
You and the other TH rockstars helped little old me to actually DO my exit strategy from a v destructive relationship.
I and I'm sure all the others will be thinking of you and sending happy thoughts on August 12🙏👍🌞
Thank you, I, State Your Name.....I appreciate your supportive kindness🙏🌞
@@sturobertson6791 😊
I would say one thing that now triggers me with my narcissistic mother is when she always likes to say "I Love you with all of my heart". it makes my skin crawl. I look back at my life (I am 59 years old now) the only love I have ever felt from my mother is a very superficial love based on her being happy than I should be happy. If she is not happy than I should feel guilty or ashamed for something that I have done. I had a very close personal friend of mine that I loved dearly that passed away unexpectedly on Saturday October 23, 2021. She had zero empathy for what I was going through. After my friend celebration of life service, that my two sisters attended to support me, one of my sisters and her husband went to visit my mom. Not once did she ask about how I was doing or how the service was or anything about my friend. I received more empathy from my next door neighbor than I ever received from my own mother.
MY PSYCHIATRIST DOESNT WANT TO HEAR IT I REALISED LAST NIGHT, IT SEEMS TO REALLY UPSET HIM, AND I GET THE FEELING HE THINKS ITS MY FAULT SOMEHOW AND I SHOULD JUST IGNORE IT, I FEEL LIKE HE IS THROWING ME OUT OF HIS OFFICE NOW, WHEREAS BE4 I BECAME AWARE OF THIS HE REALLY LIKED ME, I WAS TRYING TO GET HIM TO SEE THE GRAVITY OF IT BUT IT JUST MAKES HIM ANNOYED! I WONT MENTION IT AGAIN TO HIM, HE CANT UNDERSTAND AND THINKS IM A MALCONTENT! I FEEL BAD NOW FOR TELLING HIM, PEOPLE DONT WANT TO HEAR IT, THE OTHER THERAPIST WASNT KEEN ON HEARING IT EITHER, THEY ALL THINK ITS YOU NOT HAVING A LIFE, BUT THEY DONT UNDERSTAND THAT
THIS AFFECTS YOUR ABILITY TO RECEIVE OTHER PEOPLE BECAUSE YOURE AFRAID THEY ARE GOING TO ABUSE YOU TOO!
I hope you're able to find a healthy resolution to your situation. I completely sympathize.
One of your BEST! Thank you Dr Carter ♡
You're most welcome!
Very good information. If I react too strongly to abuse, I feel guilty later. Will try suggestions. Thxs sir.
I really love the statement ‘drop the shock’. That is absolutely fabulous. So helpful.that is something I can do. Keep it simple.thanks j
Excellent statement that immediately empowers! Absolutely!
Gus is so adorable! 🐶
Hello Gus! Hello Dr. C. Enjoy all your videos. I got triggered this morning and he put me in tears.
You're in the right place here, Joanna. We allow tears, and will help dry them.
Hi Joanna. Knowledge and learning from everyone here taught me the tools and strategies to not be triggered. Some people say "strength"...but strength has limits...when we learn emotional tools, self care skills, we can calmly observe any horrendous narcissistic abuse....and cope.....learning and knowledge is key, and it takes time.
All the best Joanna
Thank you, you're so right about everything. Its so very true. My mother is this way. My mother is a Narcissist. I got C-Ptsd from the abuse. My dad is deceived by her abuse & lies. I am 47 female the oldest out of five children my parents had. My brothers and sisters are Narcissists Enablers. I went to Jesus cause of the abuse. Jesus is our hope. God is Love I know my worthand values. My peace comes from God. I been a Christian for over ten years. I got support from my friends from church.
One that used to light my fire was "oh honey I could explain that to you but you just can't understand finances.. if you keep talking your going to make me mad" and then the silence ensues for the night.
Questions are bad
Details are bad and
1000 other topics are unacceptable. There should be a test before marriage
for these things..Whew!
So basically be a doormat for them and keep your mouth shut 24/7. I don't know about everybody else but that's a hell no for me. Respect is everything and if someone isn't giving it then they're not going to get it. I'm so glad I came across narcissism education when I finally did or I'd be on year five of being angry, upset, frustrated, disrespected, unappreciated and STILL waiting for it change with a particular person. Leaving them was one of the best things I have ever done for my mental health.
Hi Dr. Carter, what a great video. Thanks so much for putting out such thoughtful content. I really enjoy your down-to-earth, friendly delivery and ability to pin point with laser focus, how it really feels to be at the hands of a narcissist. Keep up the great work!
Wow, thank you!
And we like Gus. 😁
@@lisajohnson4744 We definitely are fans of Gus :)
Very helpful! Narcs in fam hv become more vicious and sadistic of late. Working on ‘dropping the shock.’
Extremely helpful video..thank you so much. Have been watching your videos for close to 3 years. Have learned so much. Didn't know what I was dealing with for over 60 years
Your information has been life changing. Thank you
Me 2
Thank you for all these important reminders about the narcissists and what attitude we are supposed to adopt.
"The truth about narcissism. It's ugly. It's selfish. It's a pahtological way of life. It's chronically illogical and yet (...) the narcissist is imprisoned by that." "A tormented soul who doesn't understand me, much less himself or herself. That person takes absolute delight when I respond poorly." "Their character is so poorly developed but they want to make me think that when in fact no, they are looking at the wrong person." The narcissist is stuck in a pre-adolescent view of the world."
Higher priorities + Zen attitude
This could not have been times better!!! I needed this more than you know! Thank you
My mother is the narc in my life and whilst I have tried no contact it is impossible to achieve 100% as she knows where we live and has frequently turned up / sat outside for hours. The triggers I get when I see her near or hear a left voicemail (I can’t block unknown numbers) are huge and the rage and crushing weight of it is more than I can stand even though I know exactly what she is and what tactics she will use. I am so alone in this as my brother and the rest of the family see her as a “oh bless, 85 year old you’re so mean treating her like this”. As ever Dr C you really help, even though I still can’t rewire my brain to not be affected by her. No contact was not the solution so many have said, so I struggle on with therapy.
Be thankful for your distance. I ended up under the same roof and my struggle is never ending.
You are phenomenal doctor. Some of your comments make me laugh out loud. Appreciate the added humor.
Can you address what to do when you feel that doing something you would like isn't worth the wrath--but you know it makes you miserable... the backlash is discouraging
Blood boiling. That's a good description. Boiling to the point where you are spluttering trying to put words together to explain what's going on. Silence is our friend and it speaks louder than any words we can put together when we are dealing with the narc. Eventually they will drown in their own lies.
I feel anger at myself for staying silent. Maybe because it wasn't really a choice to not respond but fear of responding.
I trust this guy as he has been seeing actual patients for 40 years... some of the other channels regarding this topic are questionable...
Thanks. I have gleaned so much from knowing many people from the inside out. Being a therapist is a privilege.
I’d love to hear about children being the narcissist. My daughter is and I’m always her main target. I love her but I don’t always like her and if it wasn’t for my grandson I don’t know if we would ever talk. My mom passed away when my daughter was 8-9 months old and my biggest fear is dying before my grandson really knows me because I don’t know what she would tell him about me.
My narc pathological lying sister has bamboozled my mother and siblings for years. I went No Contact 5 yrs ago. I know that at some point I will come in contact with her. I know exactly what I will say....."I can completely destroy you in two sentences. Just remember that". Then I will walk away. She is so shame based it would devastate her. My threat is real. But even if it wasn't, the narc wouldn't know that. Try it. It will mess with their mind FOREVER. Just knowing I can do that gives me the confidence I need should the situation present itself. 😊
These videos are kind of blowing my mind. Thank you. I avoid people and relationships because to me they mean one person dominating and the other being dominated. I don’t want to be dominated, and I’m scared of standing up for myself because in the past that meant violence. Until I lose my temper, and then I’m the biggest, craziest bully you’ve ever met. I still react to my partner sometimes like he’s my mother: like he’s not going to hear me so I have to go into beast mode to have a say in things. Hope this is making sense. Thank you!
Best advice ever. I'm not going to respond to the abuse, I'm going to take care of my well being on all levels and he can spin his web of deception 😊it does steal my peace. When I'm just enjoying life, or there's something really important to me, I can count on him to peck at me until I start asking him to stop being mean to me, and then it gets worse.
I found a 100% effective response to a narcissist. Instead of being triggered I get down on my knees facing in a direction away from the narcissist and pray outloud to God to get rid of what is tormenting the soul of the narcissist and say other things i wanted to say to God. The results have always been positive. They usually stop and walk away calmly. The pray method saved me many times.
The thing that trigger me the most is when my husband is unfair, mean, unrealistic and judgemental towards our children. When I try to help them it is like I am putting oil on fire because then he explodes.
Just Stay in Peace..and God Will Provide an Out. My husband divorced me. You may have to endure Some Suffering..but it will make you strong. 😊❤
Dr. Carter, thank you for your message. I have been watching your videos for about a year now and they helped me to realize the person I married and why I was being mistreated the way I was. I have left her and seeking a divorce because I don’t think she can change her personality and for the fact that she destroyed me. We have been married for 33 years and I have had enough. I appreciate you for waking me up to the abuse and taking myself out of it. Thanks again, Randall.
Glad to be on the path with you, Randall.
Morning Gus, Morning Doc Less.
Looks like Gus gets first billing! I can live with that!
Lol @ Doc Less. You noticed??? U guys are kinda a "team," so in order to maintain balance, I felt Gus needed a shout out- first.
Nothing he does makes my blood boil EXCEPT THE DAMNED COUNTER PARENTING 😤
Instead of spending anymore rime "trying to understand him" I'm simply focusing on my own self growth and healing - my actions are all that l have control over
My abusive Narc mother is terminally ill, so I'm cleaning out her house and moving by me to have hospice care. She has the choice for me to miss her or be glad she's gone. So far I'm leaning towards the latter. sadly.
Yes, to reverse my 'reactions' to ALL the insidious abuse over the past 30 years takes much practice, but once you get the ball rolling in the right direction towards that eventual peace, it does get easier as I start to 'feel' physically and mentally stronger. I don't know what I would have done without you helping me through all of this, Dr. C. I am forever grateful to you and the work you do online here. Namaste...🙏💝
My birth was expected, my gender was wrong & Surprise. At 58 I woke to see the joy my mother also got from the harm she took could perpetuate. 2022 was insane with everyone in my FAMILY gunning for me. A handful (buttload) are Leo's & Bullies.
Dr. Carter, You have helped me. I have chose Civility, Respect and Truth when dealing with my N Mom.
I sought your videos this weekend because when chatting with my Mom on the phone, she didn’t take to advise I gave her about a fence, and her voice started raising. I said, ok mom, I’ll shut up. I gave no reaction. Then she started replying “ I am so sorry if I made you angry and blah blah” blah as if she had to wear kid gloves with me. She NEVER apologizes. Then I realized her sister was visiting, and she was creating a phone conversation that wasn’t truthful.
I have been ruminating all weekend in tears and it feels like grieving. I literally fell into that trap even holding onto the principles of civility, respect and honesty. Gray rocking is my future forward.
Can you please do a new discussion on how to stop ruminating? Thank you regardless for making me a part of Team Healthy.