Raised by Narcissistic Parents When Enough is Enough and You Need to Stand Up For Yourself
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 19 ก.ย. 2024
- Raised by Narcissistic Parents When Enough is Enough and You Need to Stand Up For Yourself. Life Coach Lisa A. Romano Codependency Healing and Recovery www.lisaaroman...
When you are raised by a narcissistic parent, you are raised by someone who thinks they are superior to you and always right. In the eyes of a narcissistic parent, who has no ability to be self aware or learn from their actions, they are never wrong. If you dare confront a narcissistic mother or narcissistic father, you will be nullified, berated, criticized, and condemned for daring to suggest they've done anything inappropriate.
If you were raised by narcissists, you have been forced to detach from your emotions, deny they exist, and most likely struggle to find your voice, tell your truth and speak your mind. Healing from narcissistic abuse will require that you learn to set boundaries with a narcissistic parent. Learning to set boundaries with a narcissistic parent can begin once you find the right you have to get angry!
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Lisa A. Romano is a Life Coach and bestselling author who specializes in helping people reclaim their lives through ascending old thought patterns and healing faulty childhood subconscious programs. She is an expert in the fields of codependency, narcissistic abuse, and elevating consciousness. She is also one of the most popular meditation teachers on Insight Timer and is the creator of the 12 Week Breakthrough Coaching Program. If you feel invisible, unworthy, and lack a sense of self or purpose, Lisa's work in the field of personal development can help you gain the self-awareness required to breakthrough.
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Thank you for watching Raised by Narcissistic Parents When Enough is Enough and You Need to Stand Up For Yourself
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listening to this I remember that when I was small and we were in the car - mother and father in front, us children in the back - that I used to silently "mouth" HELP to people looking into the car... nobody noticed... or anyway nobody acted upon it
😣😣
It was horrible. We were all prisoners in asylums. If we had told anyone we'd have hell to pay
@@user-dp4bu8jy4b 😢
Omg I'm sorry. Past is gone. Hugs to you 🤗
I’m so sorry, dear one. May you be healed and comforted.
When my dad died, my reaction was,”Thank God that’s over”. I’m waiting for my mom to croak so I can tell my story without retribution.
Only we the victims of narcissistic abuse understand what you say! And I am afraid I will say the same words when my mom passes over
I so understand what you are saying - if you didn’t live through it, you would hardly believe it
@Andrew Taylor
Don’t judge what you don’t understand
Same here unfortunately. They house real life demons within their bodies. You love the person but that demon that controls them is hell on wheels literally.
I know that I will feel the same way when my father is gone. It’s hard for people to truly understand that and we appear to outsiders as subhuman if we say it will be a relief.
I’m 51 and just now really feeling my anger towards my bio narc parents. They are HUGE disappointments to me. Loser parents.
I'm 48 and I feel exactly the same. I disgust them. Very low human beings, it's unbelievable.
I'm 38 and feel that anger. I'm going to therapy to heal and let go of this life long mental abuse.
They are lazy, loser parents.
This seems to be the age a lot of us wake up - enough life experience to really understand what these relationships have cost us.
So when you're raised to never feel anger, sadness or have an opinion of your own, you suppress it. And you will suppress these feelings with everyone--family, a spouse, friends, employers, co-workers. One day, however, you will awaken. Something will trigger this--usually a difficult or traumatic time in your life when you can no longer take anyone's abusive behavior. It will be a volcano of emotion that will bubble up to the surface and erupt. All the pain and anger that was never allowed was always there. Although a very hard time when this happens, it is also the beginning of your path to healing.
Yup, Being sexually assaulted by an abusive bf was the beginning of healing journey, everything shifted, I erupted and then as I began to pick up the pieces of that experience I began to see and hear my mothers voice and behaviors from when I was growing up. Some of the things I experienced with the boyfriend were literally the exact phrases and behaviors I had experienced with my mom
Yes! I never had a "self" in most of my relationships. I have been feeling so much grief over the past year or more. My life feels ruined.
@@Godlywoman88 It gets better. You're on a journey back to self--the most important relationship you'll ever have in this lifetime. All will be well in time. Lisa gets it and over the hurdle that allows her to help others do the same.
Exactly, this was very well stated. Blessings to you. May the others here reading these comments know they are loved by us readers.
"you children from the past were hurt, and treated very unfair." Love and Light to all of you.
That was me.
They discard us when we surpass them. Golden becomes Scapegoat. 🙋♀️
My mother was a huge engulfer who was the first to pick me up everyplace. Was the opposite. 🤮
Yes!!!!! This makes so much sense! When I was really young, I was the golden child then the scapegoat. Until I learned to speak up for myself. Then they changed my role to the scapegoat 🙄
@@ambermorrical1820 yes! Same! Now that I'm older and my parent's superior status is not apparent (as it was as a child and young adult) now my mother can't even deal one bit. Everything she says is Venom.
Yes yes yes - we are way more successful and happier than they will ever be. It enrages them. Too bad
I love this community. Lets heal together 🤍🙏🏼
I didn’t know when I was a child that my mother was a narcissist. I was invisible, I was physically and mentally abused. When I was sick she didn’t look after me. She fed me, but didn’t care for me. All my father’s money was spent on her. She was the most important. It took me until my mid thirties to flip and tell her what she had done and how she still manipulated me. She looked at me like I was crazy and couldn’t understand why I was angry. She rolled her eyes and said I don’t remember anything of what you are saying. I ended up moving to another country, I finally escaped.
I remember feeling like there wasn't room enough for me because my mother needed to be the center of attention all the time, and my sisters were exactly the same. So yeah, I felt invisible too. How funny, I also moved to another country, to Russia, to get away!
Lisa A. Romano Breakthrough Life Coach Inc., you hit one of my topics with that great anger-video. I believe also, that big, big anger is a sign of healing. At least i hope so.
fleurkus, Deborah Armstrong, you lucky two :-) I had that already, far away from them, and could thrive and lived a successfull life. Until my father started to claim, that they need 'help' -> the nightmare started again. Permanent devaluation, subtile pinpricks, and also strong tantrums, were one can see the HATE in his eyes.
Phew. Stupid me. I know NOW, how he does it, but i should have known it before. People, don't go back to help them. They kill you.
@ti nanana yes, they really do think it's us, don't they?
@@stromeinfall4516 not really so lucky. Later, after returning from Russia, I did manage to stay no-contact with my mom, despite her stalking me and sending PI's to follow me around, but because I had not fully recovered from her abuse - didn't know about narcissism back then - I married a man who was like a covert version of her. And the whole thing started all over again.
Thank God
"Once you become the observer and the witness of what was wrong, then you can change what's happening in the now"
That is beautiful!
Understanding does not mean forgiveness. I understand my parents were wounded children, but I do not let them off the hook for being adult assholes. That does not make me bitter, only more honest with my self, and more accurate when I reflect upon the whole mess. I spent too much time painting smilies on my pain and anger before found my way out of the narcissist labyrinth.
Wow I love the term painting smiles on my pain. I feel this to the core.
@@micalaking1904 Have a great day!
It's hard to untangle from that mess
@@daniellucas6831 It can be a deceptive, hall of mirrors until the breakthrough.
Even when your parent gives you a goal and you reach it, they will diminish it in some way. My mother once told me that she never started a college fund for me because I would never graduate high school, let alone go to college. When I graduated high school, my G.P.A wasn't high enough, so how could she possibly be proud of me for enrolling in community college. So when I finally got my bachelor's degree, we never spoke of it. I'm fine with it. I really love myself and my family more than she could ever love any of us. For so many reasons, my Narc mother is not allowed in my life or the lives of my children. I have never felt more free.
I’m trying to put boundaries in place with my parents, they live down the street and I do not want to see them, we let our kids go but about a month ago there was an incident with our 6 year old there so I haven’t let them back over. I’ve been unsure of how to talk to her about it but I honestly wish I could just not let them over there alone anymore but it’s hard to tell them that, and I’m afraid of them or damaging the kids !! I’m sorry about your situation and I’m so proud of you for getting your degree and standing up for yourself and placing those boundaries.
@@angeldream1 is moving impossible
We must have the same parents. I paid for my own college and graduated with honors. My degree was not acknowledged by the parents either I went no contact almost 5 years ago. It was the best thing I ever did,
Mine said the same
Awesome. Wish I cut the ties permanently. The abuse just gets worse and escalates always.
Wow. My mom & I weren't close yet she was killed in a car accident in '99. I was working, going to college, bought my first house, just married, and trying to manage childcare for my infant. I asked my dad "was mom proud of me?" when I took him to lunch one day, felt bad he lost his wife, my mom. He responded "there's always room for improvement". Well...so now those may as well be my mother's last words :( My father (and mother) stole all my good moments and devalued me at every turn...even when she was dead. I'd already surpassed their successes at that point. Odd when parents don't want their children to have a better life than them and put every obstacle IN their way.
Maddening
My mouth dropped when I read what your dad said 😯
You deserve to be told I'm very proud of you 😉😉🙂!
Hey! 🤗 You did good..
You're braver than me. I don't think I would have even asked that question because I would suspect a hurtful answer would be coming.
You carry this pain your whole life....it never ends . My narc parents are deceased but the curse stays .
Oh God no. Heal thyself. You are free. I know but it's past
So true, me too. But keep working at it. They were ill, and when you are ill, you just keep vomiting.
😰
Only if you allow it. Theres power in the tongue/mind/universe.
Me too. Even Though! I am so educated on this subject. It won't go away.
"She's going to make you feel like you had no right in the world to question her, or to get angry at her."
There is no fairness when it comes to a narcissistic mother.
A narcissistic mother is always right.
You hit the nail on the head, Lisa.
I found about narcissism when I googled "Why does a mother hate his son's girlfriends". One of the results was "24 sighs of Narc Mother". My narc mother scored 21 of 24.
That was the day, I realised that I'm not "the problem" but she made me to believe that "I'm the problem".
The very next day, I went no contact, and I have never contacted her since.
Congratulations! My scapegoated husband discovered his “mother” was NPD from that same list......I showed him the list after googling “toxic mothers” .....he could only read 6 traits & started hyperventilating - that was 4/15.......NC since then 💯💯
I am living next door too my mother in law and I have a special needs 2 year old..... we purchased her house bc she gaslit him into it.....and I've never been more miserable in my life.... everytime she comes over she makes rude and embarrassing comments to everyone in front of whomever and laughs the most evil laugh..... my husband works alot out of town alot and on weekends he has to do alot for them..... I don't know how to handle it
Well done! 🎉
I'm 100% in the angry phase. It's empowering! I can actually get stuff done unlike the despairing/depressive phase (which lasted for decades).
@Michelle Foy Have you read Pete Walker's amazing book, "The Tao of Fully Feeling". I'm rereading it now. It's life changing.
And how to express it in healthy way?
@@syalalaputri1802 I allow the feelings to arise as they will and don't feel like I have to express them as such, just experience them in my body. I do find vigorous exercise helps dissipate the energy and provides a release.
onewomancircus thank you very much!!
@@language-n-learning just bought it on audible.
The level of abuse can be so high that, when you fully realize this, you are more or less stuck with anger towards your abusive, narcissistic parents/caregivers. Especially since they will never allow you to express your reasons for being angry at them! But you can express all this through journaling
I will never forget being the target of ridicule by my stepfather who even went as far as telling me how much he hated me. I was crying bitterly and begged my mother to say something on my behalf. I remember saying words along the lines of, “‘mom why would you allow him to say those hurtful words to me? “My mother literally stood there staring at me and never said a word. 12 years later and the thought of this still brings tears to my eyes
You didn‘t deserve that.
I remember feeling like I wanted to die when I was a child because I could not get love from my parents. For me, it wasn't a feeling of suffocation, it was total heartbreak.
Especially when u saw Ur siblings got that love 😢
I was suicidal most of my life as a child and well into my twenties. Until I finally realized that I didn’t want to die I just needed to get away from them. The day I realized that if I were to die it would only finish their work was a big eye opener, when I imagined big life events like my wedding, birth of my child, It made me sick to think they would be there, because it would only be cheapened. I also thought If I were to die the day wouldn’t be about me or the life I lived-they would eat it up and make it all about them, their “pain” over my loss would be a great supply to them as people fawned over them. On that day I decided I wanted to live, that my life was my own and on that day I started working toward my own happiness and success.
@@Kvinnie424 that's an amazing testimony, thank you for sharing ❤️
Same
My parents turned their back on me time n time again
Understanding that I was raised by a narcissist was the most healing thing I ever experienced. Everything suddenly made sense and I FINALLY after 40 years was able to start making positive change. So grateful that I finally knew how to make my like more fulfilled and live in true happiness.
After 51 years I also discovered that my mom is a narcissist and it was a lot of "Ahaaa" moments with all little examples of my past that I now recognize that she did. I am still recovering/healing but currently in the "angry" phase. Good for you that you are able to life your life in true happiness 🙏
😅😊😊
😊
@@Rosalie-ct8mi 34:50 34:51
@@Rosalie-ct8mi😊
When I went back to college at 45, my mother told me she did not think I would graduate. When I did well and told her I might go for my PhD, she almost had a nervous breakdown, because God forbid, I achieve something she did not.
@Lisa Williams, forget her. God bless you & good luck!!
@@linneaxue427 Thank you so much!!
Lisa Williams 💖
Yes. When I got a job in the school system with administrative pay, my mother didn’t congratulate me, she just said I make more than she does as a teacher. When I was getting married at 26, she said I found my husband earlier than she did. She was married to a closet gay man and my priest father helped her get an annulment in the church. He left the church for her, and his family blamed her. I married at man who was enmeshed with his Catholic mother. I repeated it.
@@brida5923 Thank you for sharing this... yes it's mind-boggling how we repeat the same dysfunctional patterns that caused us so much pain... I think I repeated mine because I actually didn't know how much pain I was in, and now have to stand up to this person once and for all. It's terrifying but I have to do it to get what is left of my life back. I didn't learn about narcissism until I was in my 40's, after having to move back in with my mother. I escaped her house and went to my estranged father's, only to find out he is just as narcissistic and expects me to be his new caretaker/partner since his third wife threw him out. I will get out of this trap!!!
100%correct. Well said! You were not allowed to say what you fèel. No anger...no complaining You were alone in this tragedy
I was 54 years old when I finally went No Contact with my narcissistic mother. 8 years ago. Happy joyous and free since then. This video covers my entire relationship with my mother. Chronic. Horrible. No more!
Theyre demonic
I told my father, when I was 32, that I was molested by one of our neighbors when I was four. He's response was, "well it's a good think that's over with."
I was dumbfounded!
Told my mother the exact same thing... her response; Your a liar, and she continued her relationship with him. I actually had to be around him, after I told her what he'd done to me
Terrible !!!
@@tyronejohnson21 A selfish lazy woman she was!
When a parent does this to a child it's betrayal and abandonment without the physical distance! So they can't be accused of it and no one will call them on it.
My father was called to a scene where the friend told him I'd been sexually violated by a neighbor and was very upset.
He came to the house. He sat outside in his little sports car and honked. When I came out, in tears and tatters, he demanded to know why I was so disheveled! OMG!!
When I dissolved into hysterics, realizing he wasn't taking me to the authorities to report the crime, he told me that this was never going further than this car. He, very levely, without eye contact, told me to just "put it out of my mind."
I was 14. I spent years wondering why my mom never talked with me about this. Where was the Love??
20 years later. I alluded to this to my mom. She was clueless. My father had never even told her! He'd obviously just put it out of his mind. I felt so unprotected... Then I felt unworthy of protection. Now - I'm done.
Before I even watch this video,
I agree with you.
I agree
I agree
I agree.
Amen
Yep
ME TOO 😁🎯
And people wonder why I'm pissed off all the time. 😂
Very true, I am easily frustrated at times and I now know the root of this frustration! Thank you Lisa!
If you try to explain or tell stories of your childhood to people who were raised by even semi-healthy parents.... They cant understand it. They can't understand how a parent would treat their child that way. It's so outrageous that to them, you almost certainly sound crazy to them.
And yet trauma inducing parents are rampant in our society. It's a cultural taboo to stand up for yourself against your parents. I don't understand this moral bias towards parents when children are the ones in a vulnerable position.
@@dorijoeI totally with u. I stood up for myself and I got condemned. No contact now. I have educated myself about this. So now I don't care if anyone won't understand. I know my truth. I know who hurt me and how they hurt me. Just because they r Ur parents, they have no right to hurt u. They supposed to nurture u instead. They failed dramatically 😢
@@ppll7020 they failed and they are in denial about failing their child and want the child to be in denial about his/her own experience to keep the failing parents happy.
I would have to vomit up a HUGE essay... probably an encyclopedia's worth... if I tried to describe what it was like growing up with my parents. I gave up trying to explain it to other people because unless they were also raised by narcissists, they absolutely cannot understand! But getting in touch with your anger IS important because until you face it and deal with it, it will always control you. And you can't go through life angry all the time because you will push good people away. So support groups are really important for this stuff. You can never express that anger to your parents or your family unless you have a desire to detonate a nuclear weapon upon yourself. It can be expressed through journaling or in support groups. Role playing helped me a lot, where the therapist pretends to be the parent and you get to tell them what you are feeling.
I grew up hearing these words; I suffered with depression my entire childhood and young adulthood, I’ve finally don’t let the guilt of not calling my mother daily. Anytime I felt happy in my life I felt guilty of having good times. Strange how Narcissistic people behave and the scars they inflict on their own
I carried that anger for over 30+ years and hoped the whole time I could open their eyes to see the agony they were causing. After 30 years through finding my spiritual self within my heritage, I found being angry and carrying this anger, especially as an adult, was causing others grief and agony as it has slowly began turning me narcissistic. When I realized you have to confront(letting them know how it affected you and you perceived), forgive whole heatedly knowing their condition may be no different than yours, and move on whether at peace or cutting ties entirely. Now I can focus on me and reprogramming. Sometimes we just have to forget everything and hit that reset so we can start new beginnings.
I started here with Ms. Romano and followed with Dr. Romini, from there I started searching with faith through the good Book and my native heritage. Still building and climbing but I feel more at peace and prideful in a subtle respectful way.
how did u forgive? i want to but i always seem to hint to her how much of an abuser she still is and how much she hurt me. i dont want to hurt her but i want her to see the truth so we can finally bond. thats proabaly so naive and maybe narcasistic even ? i really hate myself for being who iam
Honestly. I told her how I felt about everything. I let that burden go as I realized she can't understand or see the world through my eyes, only her own. I can hope she will try to relate and understand but only hope. Granted since, I have cut ties entirely since she is still a victim of her own narcissist that she allows to run her, but that's not my burden nor my pain. I don't bother to repeat cause even if she acts it, she's not a child nor do I repeat myself for my own children so why should she deserve that.
Thank you for this. Speaking at the age of 51, I can only say that you will only be free when their opinion no longer matters to you and you become totally non reactive to their various manipulative behaviours. Unfortunately, takes a long time to learn this and get there sometimes. If you are young, listen to this and save yourself years of anguish.
Me too at 52, still a long way to go! I wished I discovered this madness called narcissistic abuse of my mother 30 years ago! It would have saved me a lot of tears, frustration, despair, sadness and misery!
At 55, I completely concur
I'm 61 and just learning all this.
I think it's the norm to only finally prioritise our own feelings or TRY to at about 47 or so.. My Mum acts like I'd betrayed her horribly if I didn't bury my own feelings to consider hers. Now I have stopped colluding with her narratives (that I am awful, paranoid, sensitive, ungrateful, you name it) I am the worst in the world and I'm being trashed to the extended family. I don't think I would have been strong enough to stand alone in my own interpretation of events before now because I have been ostracised and it hurt. Two options for me, support my mother's narratives or accept the stonewalling and silent treatments. That's it. No option three of communicating and connectng, no, it's just never going to happen. I'm 52 now and my mother whatsapped me earlier to say she dreamt she was running after me to talk to me. She is the one who has given me the silent treatment repeatedly. So I said that she didn't have to dream she was talking to me, she could go right ahead and talk to me in real life. So we arranged a coffee but then she said ''ground rule, no shouting''. So I said ''ok, I won't shout, my ground rule is NO shutting me down'' and she responded to say ''let's postpone. I give up. It's taken five years but I suppose having hope is human.
not only anger, but also RESENTMENT,very deeply.that destroy my whole life, made my whole life full of evils
True. Its like your life BASED on it alone. Send love ♥️
Angering and grieving are two super important parts of recovery!
Thank you for putting into words what I couldn’t describe as a child. I was so full of anxiety and pain without understanding what was happening around me.
Amy Rana I can relate, and I’m sorry about what you went through. I tried to kill myself when I 7 or 8, as I was so scared of my mother... I’m almost 50 and in NC with my whole family. It’s painful but necessary...
@@KasiaZosia04723 I can relate to this. I felt suicidal as a young child too. I hope you are doing ok now.
Zan C I’m sorry to hear this... I’m copying... I hope you are ok too...
They are getting narcissistic supply from criticizing you and embarrassing you.
From putting you down, from making you feel like nothing you ever do is good enough, to making you feel like a complete obligation, that it’s all your fault that your mother and father had to work so hard, and they had all these opportunities that THEY had to give up on because YOU were born.
Aren’t they these wonderful people that rolled around in the sack with somebody that happened to get pregnant and had you. And now It’s all your fault.
They create you and then they berate you. 🏃🏽♀️🌊📝🎶💌🦋💥
My girlfriend criticises me, puts me down all the time and I try not to react but when it gets too much I end up telling her what she is doing is extremely rude, and then she denies everything and starts crying and saying "why are you being like this" I'm so fed up of it, it's going on so long now
They create you, so they have "something" to berate.
I remember, when I was a kid, my female parent often embarrassed me in front of my schools girlfriends When I ask her why she does it, she said _"do I lie?, they don't know you, they should know what you really are"_
Total brainwashing of 7 years old boy.
Yep and you spend your life trying to justify your existence to them.
@@zan7466 any child has a short period in their life they "need/must" get external validation.
If a child didn't get, it's development is halted and the person subconsciously is trying, whole life, to fill this primal need.
@@1RPJacob Absolutely 👍
Watching this felt incredibly validating. I'm always waiting for someone to see me. To see my situation and validate how bad my situation is. Like you said, there's no boat coming. No one knows my story better than myself. I just started becoming aware of my right to anger, so this is all in the right timing.
Feel it too
This is so good Lisa. You are a very brave soul. One in a million. We need more people like you in this world.
My lifelong expression of rage against my narcissistic mother and codpendant enabler dad, the very thing that made me the supreme scapegoat of my family, is what ultimately was my saving grace. I felt shame about my inability to just"be nice" and now I realize what a gift it was. Now I have no rage, anger, guilt, pity left for them. No contact for over a year. Thriving and using that energy to level up with my own chosen family.
We were told we were to be seen and not heard...no voice no noise..non existence
Yes theres no sense of self.
I cried a lot with this one. I feel the anger, but I think I'm stuck there to some extent. I struggle with the fact that I don't know how to have a relationship with my own family members anymore....parents or siblings.
You and me both. I’m at that point right now 💆♀️
@@Holltot me too, really im so sad that i didnt leave them all alone 35. years ago, my family have only served to damage my life. I have great frineds now and its true you chose your friends and not your family. I adore my daughter, Im grateful I never treated her like I was raised. No accountability whatsoever.
Don’t bother. Be free!
Me too. My inner child is screaming she's never feel happy and appreciate in that home
I cannot have a relationship with them anymore! I broke the contact with my parents 7 years ago not knowing then that my mom was a narcissist (I was always crying on my way home after I had visited them) and my sister is a selfish big child who always blames other persons (narcissist or very ego centric) and alwas took advantage of me/used me and I had no boundaries (and I know NOW why not) so I decided to stop contacting her after so many fights! I realised this after 50 years of age! And it is so sad, but I cannot even have a normal conversation with them.... so better leave them alone. I am still going through the grieving process.
Lisa, thanks for the validation.
🙋♀️ I'm very in touch with the anger. And I agree it's very good because it helps us build our own personal boundaries and stay NC.
Hi, I'm finally able to recognize that underneath all the depression was actual blind fury... do you have any tips on how to access anger and have a healthy relationship with it... every time I let myself feel it, there's this intense anxiety about not being able to control it, so I end up shutting it down before I can explore it..
@@fernanne08 it really helped me to express it and talk/write about what happened to me, how I hate it, and how crazy it is. Find someone you don't feel "judged" by.
@@fernanne08 hi, I sometimes can barely controle it.. I realize now that in a moment like that I am experiencing an emotional flashback and that realisation helps, but still I need to create some space between myself and the trigger. Also I work on my emotional literacy. There are great video's about that. If you want I can send you a link of a specific video. Anyway goodluck
@@moirosalina Yea.. it's so such a weird place to be. Thank you I would love a link to that
I’m 41 and was raised by a covert narcissistic mother. It took me 40 out of my 41 years to recognize the reality, that was my life experience. I’m so great fun to have recognized it and am great fun to have not followed on the same path; or to have ended up as a person with a substance abuse problem, etc. However, my relationships and friendship choices were codependent-ones. You align yourself with what you know, etc. Thank you for these videos. They’re so empowering. ♥️
I bottled up my anger with my Narcissistic parents ..... I went NC (No Contact) It was easier ....They have passed away now ...
I wish I had confronted them now.... BUT then again ..When you confront a Narcissist ..They use
Blame shift
Gaslight
Denial
Projection
Double Bind
So I believe it would have been pointless confronting them... NC (No Contact) is always the best way with a Narcissist ..
Brian said it so it must be true, yeah not a good idea to have confronted the sickoids. No contact and when they pop into your mind just think of the piles of garbage they were.
@@raccuia1 What a SUPERB method to use.. Kind regards Joseph
Brian said it so it must be true ‘ Thanks 4 sharing totally agree they deny deny deny my father was / still is the #1 NARC on the universe his whole life revolves around himself selfish acts he refuses to change refuses to learn !!!!! GAMEOVER 🤦🏽♂️🔚
my parents getting worse now they are older ooh they feel such a victem ooh our daughter left us and whe were so good to here, Lisa i need a bucket to trow up!!uuuggg
And the: if we did something wrong please tell us so we can correct it (uhm deny it probably)
Yes! It was worse being the scapegoat and you had a younger sister golden child 😫 I was called devil span repeatedly.
Oh my gosh. That is fckn wrong! To say that to an innocent child. I’m sorry that happened to you. My mother used to make me feel self conscious about my body after I had a baby. And my grandmother and her took turns making criticisms of my new mom body. It’s just so sad how some of these parents got away with doing WRONG things to their children. Calling you that is flat out wrong.
C Mcintire like she says in the video that they had these things done to them, but that’s what made me strive to do better with my kids, but they did not. If you want to see look at your grandmother or great grandmother, it’s a generational thing. I’m sorry that you were made to feel that way and weren’t supported. 🤗
My oldest sister was the golden child and they turned her into a narcissist, too. Both of my parents are dead, but she tries to perpetuate their abuse. She never has anything bad to say about our father who beat my brother and put him the hospital and molested me. She acts like there is something wrong with us.
We are beautiful and amazing children of God is my sentiment❣Once our minds are finally transformed from victim to survivor, we instantly become so much stronger.💪So once, when I was 12 years old, My mom and dad and I(only child) went to New Mexico to visit some relatives and my mom told me we were going to meet a new relative and when we got there, there was a group of ladies, born again Christian's. They had me to sit down in a chair and then proceeded to speak in tongues and said that they were there to perform an exorcism and my aunt, whom I loved, started performing it. Wow, talk about projection, lol. I can laugh about it now somewhat, as it happened 41 years ago. At the time, I felt quite traumatized, and all it did was make my already low self esteem take a nose dive. I still suffer with low confidence, but my self esteem improved leaps and bounds when I finally learned what a narcissist was and binged-watched Lisa's videos. I love Lisa, she is so amazing❣Now I am a born again Christian, go figure😂 I pray for all of us: love(two-sided), good health and immune systems, protection from evil and harm, wisdom and revelation, friends and fellowship, much laughter and for our eternal salvation. In Jesus's holy name, amen. 🤗 Shalom🌹❣❣❣
The Backstreet Philosopher Yes but you know the truth, so for you sanity let her have her illusions and you live your truth. I stop all of those types of conversations and won’t engage, cause they go no where and you will never get acknowledged.
Your honest examples of your past/childhood/young adulthood trauma helps everyone who is seeking recovery. When you hear that others also lived/who were raised in a toxic environment proves that we are not alone. But more importantly, that we are worthy for recovery to heal those open dormant wounds to move forward. Thank you!!!
I was raised by two unrecovered parents, my mom had a ''great'' childhood yet she have a ton of gaslighting, minimizing, invalidating tactics and my dad had a bad relationship and have a ton, super tons of narcissism. I'm using gray rock and setting boundaries to protect myself! This was so needed! Thanks for giving this video :>
*My mom have enabling, dismissiveness, invalidation, crazymaking and gaslighting tactics.
*My dad had a bad childhood and have tons of narcissistic narcissism.
One of the best videos ever. You described my parents 100%. Ive had to fight decades to figure out what was going on. I feel bad for young people going through this right now. I hope they find this video and learn how to deal with their demented parents.
This is 💯 Lisa. "Selfish" "Ungrateful" ✔✔
My narcissistic dad had said that when I was trying to defend myself.
You described my childhood only with a lot more physical beatings and 5 more siblings. Grew up in a freaking nightmare! Here I am now 40 years old FINALLY trying to understand all this with a heart so heavy.
After a road traffic accident and brain damage I completely forgot my childhood 12 years later after a organised failed marriage and kids I met a therapist and remembered my narcissistic mother and realised since the accident she had completely worked with it and abused me mentally and emotionally my entire adult life with lies pretending she cared. So I feel the pain. I escaped her at 15 at 27 she had me under control again and I didn't even know it. I hate her. Videos like this upset me because now I really remember and now I'm going no contact with parents and am in touch with my anger although it hurts, hurts to the soul.
Lisa I feel we shared a childhood. I will always be grateful that I never gave up on finding the truth of my situation and seeing it honestly for what it is and the long term after effects. All of my siblings continue to live with their many losses even after I send them articles and your videos, they choose to remain in denial and pain. Thank you again Lisa for opening the door out of this traumatic nightmare.
Actually, it is true that we are the trouble makers. My mom once told me that she was afraid of me. I didn`t believe it then, but I know today, that she knew, that I knew. And she was scared that I would tell the truth about her. That is what all those people who hide their fears beneath aggressive or self indulgent masks are afraid of: that they are found out and publicly shamed. But I also believe that if we want society to change many, many trouble makers are needed.
Anger is one of the stages of spiritual growth. You can't transcend from the bottom of the energy scale, victimhood, to the top, peace and enlightenment, without passing through the anger stage. So don't feel guilty, just feel the feeling, and then let it pass on. I'd recommend Julia Cameron's 'The Artist Way'. Cameron's book is about digging into your mind and releasing all the negative so that you can then explore all the wonderful stuff that's there too. She recommends doing a thing she calls 'morning pages'. The Crappy Childhood Fairy recommends something similar, but she calls them fears and resentments. But anyway, the morning pages are three pages of chain of consciousness writing that basically dump all you resentful crap that builds up in your head. Particularly about the people she calls 'crazy makers'. I think we in narcissistic abuse recovery have a different word for them. Anyway, the anger is like the puss in a wound that needs to be drained. And the morning pages in a great way to do that, at any time of the day.
Cynthia, I just realized my mother is a horrible narcissist. I discovered this while doing extensive research on the recent x husband. My anger has been bubbling beneath the surface for 2 decades. It’s been manifesting itself in many ways. Your comment made me pause. Thank you. I’ve had The Artist Way on my book shelf for 15 years. I am going to open it today thanks to you. I hope your heart is healing.
Thank you Lisa Ramono.
@@marygranville7549 :The book is a great way to get in touch with who you really are after all the gaslighting and diminishing and other forms of narcissistic abuse. But be prepared for a lot of buried and forgotten stuff to bubble to the surface as you explore your subconscious mind. So things might feel worse while the purge is going on. But ultimately you'll feel lighter and happier and freer at the end of her course. And going forward the morning pages give you a great method to deal with stuff before it gets buried, so it keeps new resentments from adding to the old. Cameron knows what she's talking about. There is joy to be mined under the narcissist's toxic waste bump that has become your life.
why do u think that cptsd and konstant narcasistic abuse over decades is not the same thing ? u have repeted trauma from how ur parents teatheed you. the crappy childhood fairy can help anyhone with an abusive childhood
My mom would always tell me that people loved her and not to embarrass her. I knew I could fly under the radar as long as no one noticed me. She didn’t care.
Love this video Lisa! My narc parents live behind me and my golden child brother and his family beside me. After years of abuse from them, I decided last yr to go no contact from them all. It feels so freeing and was scary at first. I don't have to feel obligated to do what they tell me to do anymore, I don't have to do weekly phone calls, daily visit, I don't have to explain who is visiting us, or why we are making so much noise in our yard. My husband and I have talked about moving far away from them but at age 44 I said no more running. My home is almost paid for with 2 acres. So we've put up a nice privacy fence and planted trees for extra privacy to block them all out. Some days are hard like around holidays but overall each day is getting better and better. My family and I are focused on our lives and living it to our standards.
Love your haircut. I'm amazed how lately I've been catching up with old friends and they bring up how I never got along well with my parents and siblings. I was vomited all over. I recall 2 days after my wedding day my mom telling me all the things that went wrong on the day. I don't want to hear the behind the scenes dramas etc. My sister went to a wedding 2 months later and went on and on about how amazing their wedding was. Like mine wasnt. I feel some times teachers get in on the band wagon if they are narcissistic too. Neighbours notice but their isnt anything they can do. I feel their wasnt education around about this back in the day.
💞
Well said I totally agree they always say the most wickedest things it’s a narcs supply source bringing another down pucks them up smh 👊🗣🔚bye NARCS!!
I am so sick of the verbal abuse and manipulation from my mom.
haha, Lisa, I love the way you mimic these narcissistic parents. You nail their haughtiness to the T. It is funny.
It has been almost a year since I moved out. Enjoying the freedom while still healing. Lately whenever I read on financial related, I feel so much anger. Thinking how my life could be so different if my parents and enabler sisters not abused and sabotaged everything including my career. Now I'm trying to channel my anger to something that benefits me. I can always start over and I know everything gonna be great since they are no longer part of my life 😊
Just recently, i took 2 weeks holiday from a part=time job, I went home and told my manager a few things that were happening to me ( they made me angry) people blaming me for their mistakes, I had stood up to one, she reported me to another person in charge. Hence why I wrote a letter and mailed it to her. Bearing in mind just because these people who were blaming me for their mistakes are full time. The problems were swept under the carpet, the manager then held back my wages on purpose, all because i wrote the letter of complaint. I didn't go back, who wants to work in such a toxic environment. Nearly 2 months later i have finally got paid the wages they owed me after reporting everything to higher above. I do not put up with any crap any more from anyone. I have come along way from the people pleaser i was years ago, due to toxic parents/ex husband who brainwashed me. I walk/run away from anyone toxic if i can, some are dangerous.
I too come from two parents of deeply broken homes. Rather than choose to go to therapy and deal w/their childhood parent issues. They Chose to take their issues out on me.
Passive aggressive, verbally /physically abusive and bullies. Rage-aholic I have be m the victim of a child of it all.
I went hard grey rock and thriving in many aspects of my life. And I chose therapy to ensure my daughter and I have a Healthy relationship.
That was pretty much my life. I'm still stuck at 49 years old. Working on it though.
I HATED MOTHERS EVIL EYES!
Aw that is sooo sad I’m so sory
They enjoy instilling terror in their children. And just like anyone who looks at something they enjoy, their pupils dilate and their eyes literally turn black. Add their gnashing angry teeth and pointed eyebrows, I wish I could forget being so little and looking in to the face of a demon.
@@karenvanderbeck For me the pupils constricted to to the size of a pin ( I think I must have unconsciously known that constricted pupils are body language that says someone hates you so much their eyes are trying not to even see you. All I saw was a shade of blue that I grew to hate despite blue being my favorite color. out of the 4 ltr's I've had, though ALL were narcs only ONE had blue eyes as I mostly became unattracted to girls with the latter,
Or that God awful maniacal laugh!
@@andreaellerbeee Ahh you knew narcmom too! Am so sorry. Wouldn't wish "it" on me worst enemy!
Crave love like air 🙌🏼 needing validation.... then the awareness hits. ❤️ you were always enough!
Listening to this made me realize I grew up with a narcissistic mother and father. They both did these things to me. I’m just now seeing it and healing from it.
Me..Me right there! Thank you Lisa!❤ As a co dependent with high empathy of 43 years * so far. To my now disabled single maliganant Narcissist Mom who raised me and my 1 brother. The golden child who is also a malignant Narcissist. I am on month 8 of the final disconnect from my covert Narcissist wife of 9 years. My wife has emotionally and financially destroyed me. Hell? I'm there now. 43 years of hell with my family....10 years of hell with my wife. How in the world do I break free? My wife is easy...she disconnected me. Separation papers are in the works...but my Mom depends on me for everything...everything... I have always been alone since my Dad got sick & died when I was 8 years old...I always said my childhood ended then.😔 I never knew any of this till 4 months ago when a random stranger online asked me " Do you know what a Narcissist is?" I had no clue...None... Now I am learning so much from you Lisa, ❤❤❤ and many others.😊. So much that I feel overwhelmed..I dont even know where to begin?🤔 54 years old...and I feel like I have been stuck as that terrified 8 year old..😥😥
harleyhearse, great you are learning of narcissism. Any narcissist who has abused you needs to be removed immediately. In regard to your narc mother, the thing that is binding you to her is shame, guilt and empathy. IMO those things need to be removed from ones mind if one is the scapegoat of a narcissist. Let the golden child idiot take care of the other evil one. Cut them both off, no shame or guilt. The ones that should be shameful and guilty are them. You are the innocent one.
Is there a way for you to get consistent counselling formal support, and then enlist that support to find alternative care arrangements for abusive mother? For your own sanity, you deserve to have a good life, and the abusers do not deserve your kindness.
Send hug to you 🤍🤍
I just realized that my mother was a covert narc . No love , no affection - just abuse. We were just posessions, not allowed feelings, called stupid. She turned siblings against me, slandered me to everyone in family and out...
I’m not as angry as before I’ve come a long way. I let my girlfriend who is love starved know that my mother is a narcissist. I watch how she eats the crumbs she throws so I don’t spend a ton of time with my mother but my mom now has dementia and no one is there but me. I still don’t let her abuse me or step over my boundaries. I know this is karma and I’ve changed it. I was angry for a long long long time. I’m not angry anymore.i know she doesn’t have the capacity to empathize more than the 3 emotions she has for herself I actually feel sad for her at times because I know her upbringing is why she is that way and I accept that. Lisa when I started to understand my 3rd relationship was with a covert narc and I am codependent. I started to heal my mother wound and parent my inner child.Currently in mother wound healing is so powerful. Your program is my next step. I know 9 years as a Nichiren Buddhist chanting Nam MYOHO Renge Kyo has shifted my families karma, my karma and how to unlock my unlimited potential and become happy. Thank u for what u do!
Thanx so much. Allowing anger is so difficult. But every time i do it, it empoweres me
In my 40’s and STILL constantly thinking, how will this affect my mother, what will she think of this or that... keeping things from my mother to keep the peace. I even feel I have to hide the good things that happen to me and any fun things I do so that my Mother doesn’t have to verbally take them away from me. To spoil my happiness. It’s terrible, feels terrible to not share things with my Mother, so it’s like living a double life. The life she thinks she knows about me, and the other half of my life that I hide from her due to my past experience from her reactions. Can’t just point my finger in her face... I love her tremendously, but I wish I could let her see the whole me. She’s very proud of me and praises me all the time, but sees me as an extension of her and she feels I should live my life for her “approval.” It’s a DAILY struggle. A deep, deep struggle that might not be seen on the surface, but it’s there. A sadness that I’m being a BAD person for being happy in my life if it entails things that don’t fall in line with my mother’s approval. Don’t want to go no contact. Still can’t get out of this dysfunction with her. I see it affected my brother, and feel my sister may have adopted some of those bossy narcissistic traits. Struggling.
Exactly.. my mother has disdain for me my whole life, and jealous. Father was a narcissist too but he left when I was young. Yes feels exactly like you describe.
I truly needed this today. I’ll have to watch at least 1-2 more times. This just was so perfectly timed and well said. Thank you so much.
Thank you for this. Truly. I’m 52 and have only recently realized my mother is a narcissist and and blown away. This was absolutely my life. I am furious… i was robbed of so much of my life.
I had the same convo 3 yrs ago… “i’m not 13 any more”… i am absolutely blown away by this. I got ALL of the resentment and anger. I thought that was how it was… and i was the issue…. but definitely not my brother or anyone else.
The gaslighting… OMGee.
thank you again for this video and to everyone who has left comments.
When they would ask me what I want, I would always figure out what THEY wanted to give me, and say that. 😂
I always new that both of my parents were sick and abusive each in their own special ways … but their MARRIAGE! I anguished and was obsessed and depressed as a kid because it was completely insane and I couldn’t understand why it wouldn’t change or end. On and on, round and round, the dark cloud and visceral feeling sick all the time. I finally only understood after learning about personality disorders. Thank you Lisa for being so fearless and thorough. 💜
This video is one of your BEST!!! You are a gifted teacher, Lisa.
🙏 Namaste...I just hope it helps.
Yess I agree! Thank you Lisa 🙏🌟💖
@@lisaaromano1 it does.
It makes me feel so much stronger and validated, because I've just started awakening at the age of 37 and set my boundaries. Thank you so much! ❤
You are so welcome
Thank you so much for this message. I felt like you were just listing everything I’ve ever felt but also giving me hope that I won’t be this broken person forever. ❤️
Allowing yourself to FEEL anger, yes!! Narcs especially do not want you to feel this feeling, they preach forgiveness while invalidating any right feelings, such as anger. Thank you Lisa A. R.
Such a good video, chock full of information. I love L.R.'s voice inflection, pace, tone, pitches. It's just so listenable, on top of being informational and relatable.
I felt more anger and emotional manipulation than any human can bear, now that i'm discarded I feel peace.
My life story yet again Lisa...Abyss is the word I've been using for decades. 2015 I hit rock bottom emotionally and mentally. Not until 2018 when I began snapping out of it. It is hard climbing out of that abyss, admitting and accepting my mistakes. I had that painful conversation with my mother about a month ago. She was numb, she has been numb to be since I was 7 years old. Didn't expect anything different, but I had to tell her I am finally free from her control. Now, I must keep growing and figure out how to mother myself as well as my children. Thank you for the video
Lisa, this is the most realistic explanation for the toxic household that narcissists create I've heard yet. It was a narration of my childhood....my father killed himself 4 years ago after i exposed his SA of me until age 10. Ive not spoken to my mother in 5 years. She getting old, less healthy, so im feeling conflicted over shutting her out. I listened to you today and you reminded me of why im definitely not gettjng on that crazy train! Thanks for your candid remarks and accuraye info.😊
when i first found out that both my parents are narcissists. my whole world flipped on its head, and became the most angry i have ever been in my life.
I was raised by a malignant narc bipolar mom and a covert narc dad I'm 30 and just started feeling my feelings. I've always justified/logically tried to talk myself out of feeling emotions. I have a child and a marriage I so deeply care for and I'm working on correcting my codependent behaviors that I used for survival in my home as a child. It's possible to find peace and you deserve it, even if you feel like you don't. ❤ Healing is possible. The thing I repeat in my head is: "You're not responsible for other people's emotions and you can't abandon adults"
You nailed it, Lisa. For years, beginning in early childhood, I was regularly told, by my father, that I was too sensitive and that I needed to see a, "shrink", yet nobody ever took me to see one, not once. In the meantime, my Mom couldn't be compelled to pull her nose out of a book or away from the t.v., long enough to be bothered to help. However, both of them regularly told us that they loved us, and Christmases were over the top, the opposite of nearly every other day of the year. It was a very confusing and stressful environment, from day one. Yelling, screaming, and beatings, regularly, and the opposite at Christmas and on birthdays. It took both of them dying and a sibling's narc mask slipping, before the revelation and awakening happened for me. Ever since, I have found my life to be replete with these people. I have jettisoned 80-90% of the people close to me, since my blind spot(s) became evident. Walking away from family and life long, "friends", was one of the hardest things that I've had to do, but it was one of the best things, maybe the best thing, that I have ever done for myself, at the same time. The moment that I discovered what was happening to me, is the moment that it stopped.
My mother is afraid that I could work with a therapist & change...
@@nadavicsandon6894 She's probably concerned about what you might say to the therapist, too.
@@Normalizethis Yes absolutely. 👍
It’s amazing that your mom treated you just as my mom treated me and still behaves this way. I hear you and I see my life since childhood.
Watching this and writing out my feelings and will re watch. Life changing.
I’m in the process of gaining the confidence to actually start my own career path and move out from this apartment that I’m close in proximity to the toxic family members. I’m hopeful for so much right now.
Wow you are nailing it Lisa.Covert religious Narc Mother here, now 78 yrs.All of the above
Ps A also had to co parent 50/50 with ex covert Narc for 6yrs from the ages of 6to 12 for my daughter then got full custody as ex was struggling with her puberty blues lol.Every thing you say is so true When she hit 16she did all the communication herself and she can gray rock like a boss .She's 17 now .
I have NEVER been allowed to get angry .
I definitely was raised & abused by a narcissistic dad & mum was/still is extremely codependent but was also abusive towards me. My experience was that my dad was physically, emotionally, psychologically abusive - he would use (& still now) 'religion'/'God' to justify his behaviour. Mum shamed & guilt tripped me a lot too. Am I right to say that codependent parents are not always loving towards their children? They can also be abusive? I asked mum recently why she would do that & she said that she did behave that way because my dad was threatening her to shout at me/hit me if she didnt have a word with me. According her it was to protect me from my dad as he was very violent.
When I would tell my friends about my parents, they wouldnt believe me 'your parents are so lovely'. 🥺😤🤥
Yes..They're quite good at acting nice to the outside world.
This was so much like my parents. It’s a betrayal. The narc makes it a competition and they have to choose. They chose the narc and not their child-who the narc competes with. I was actually more upset at my enabler mother bcuz without all her enabling and her betrayal, the step father could never have hurt me like he did. I blame him too, but just like with these real life criminals, the aider and abetter very often has to face the music and pay the piper just like the one they were in cahoots with who hurt or killed or robbed someone else. I was soooo angry with her more than I was with him. With him, I was just done. And now years later, I’m done with her bs too. I had to do all the same tactics with her as I did him (things like LC or grey rock, boundaries, etc). Toxic is toxic and imo it totally rubs off on them after so long and they often do the narc’s bidding against us.
Will they ever come around? In my experience, not very much. They’ll always choose the narc over us when push comes to shove. And even if they come around every now and then to improve in some small way, as with the narc, it’s futile to have hope. It will always be a disappointment. They are more of an extreme codependent imo and this too is very toxic bcuz they will always be feeding their narc and there will be nothing left for us and our needs. It’s like them offering us a shirt, but they can’t. They no longer have a shirt, even if they wanted to give one to us. They can’t bcuz they gave every shirt they had to their insatiable narc.And the same greedy narc will also demand every new shirt they ever get and they’ll hand it over (of course, I’m speaking of the ones who stay and perpetuate the facade and keep protecting the abusers and will never own any of it, neither their role in the abuse nor how bad the abuser really is, not the ones who leave and have regrets and see it and work on things).
Yup!! 'your parents are so lovely"! I heard it all the time. Still so lonely.
"They'll create you...and then they'll berate you." Absolutely spot on.
It is soothing to know that someone understands and can articulate what's going on inside of me. Thank you.
In my mind all therapists should know and understand trauma. It’s the basics of relationship problems
Fabulous video. You explained exactly what I went through growing up. The trauma, helplessness and hopelessness I felt as an unloved child of these parents I was given. Thank you for validating my experience. No one saw, no one knew what I was going through and how it now effects my experience in the world with other relationships. 💔
I agree that if you tell others about your narc mom, and they don’t have one, they think you are the problem not your mom.
I was berated and gaslit during active labor by my father and told I was faking it. They are truly evil.
In fact tomorrow is my anniversary day. It has been twenty years since my covert narcissist principle moved the goal post by threaten to expel me from school if I didn't go into therapy. This event changed me considerably. I have been an alcohol and pothead for the past twenty years. Bad memories. I will commiserating this event by smoking a lot of pot.
All of this. Thank you for expressing so beautifully the reality i experienced growing up and now as an adult (46) empathic codependent, who sees so clearly the origin of my poor choices and understands the reasons for not yet living a fully expressed, self actualized life.