Dating On The Spectrum
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 19 ก.ย. 2022
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WHY IS YOUR "RELATIONSHIP TRAUMA VOICE" A SOUTHERN ACCENT VOICE ??? (& you are Canadian, something doesn't add up here... -_-") [BTW you're kinda normal looking, you just have great make-up skills, like I don't really find your looks that attractive, yet your being cute while trying not to be cute is in itself kinda cute, guess I see different attractions in you, lol ^_^]
How are you not verified? You have 100k subscribers unless you changed your username
You're probably asexual and aromantic
Yeah. The sense of entitlement and moral superiority is a common pattern that I see in the white men I've dated up until this point.
@@choiceschoices5910 hej opp pp postat po hej har p hej jag har inte erhållit die in the uk in the world
I hate the sentence: ‘you’re not like other girls’, because there’s not really anything fundamentally wrong with other girls.
Well we aren't like other girls in the sense that we have autism. It's not good or bad but it is true In that way
@@kr3642 also we're all different so no, we're not like other girls
@@kr3642 We know. The thing is, some people use the "you're not like other girls" like a compliment. Dude, no, there's no need to shame other girls
hard disagree, the way women are socialized makes them far more unbearable to deal with if neurotypical than with neurotypical men. no, im not an incel and yes, im a woman.
@@alejandrariera8572 yeah, that's true.
Im autistic and when i came to university I didn't plan on dating anyone because like you said I didn't really care about being a relationship. But on the first day of school I met a guy on my course who is also autistic, was super interesting and easier to talk to then all of the other people I tried to be friends with. We've been together almost a year now, and I think we did the whole dating thing very differently then neurotypicals. We're both very direct, we never did the "dating game" or "talking stage" stuff that I see other people talk about. We realized we liked each other and we were just honest because we knew we didn't care about seeming too eager. We trust each other so completely because we're always upfront about our problems, and I've never felt more safe with a person. It's amazing being in a relationship with another autistic person because even if you don't experience everything the same you can usually still relate more then with neurotypicals. Also he stims with me and takes care of me when I'm completely out of energy to function. It's wonderful.
I’m kinda seeing a guy and he thinks he’s on the spectrum too. It’s nice that we are both direct and not playing a guessing game. I feel like it’s difficult for me because idk what the rules of dating are. Like what is a relationship meant to look like? And it’s difficult because I’ve never really been close to anyone before except one best friend and they broke my trust and made me put up walls. It honestly shocks me how nice the guy I’m seeing is. I know he’s meant to be nice but like I’m just not used to it.
@@emegvf I think worrying about what a relationship is “supposed to look like” is part of what gets in the way. Focusing more on what I _want_ to do rather than what I “should” be doing has helped me so much. If you want to spend time with him, spend time with him. If you want to tell him something, tell him. If you want to show him something, show him. If you want to kiss him, kiss him. (I mean, probably ask first, but yeah.) Etc. And let him do all that with you, too (unless you aren’t comfortable with something he proposes, of course). And that’s it. Allistics make it so complicated but I really don’t think it has to be anything more than that.
@@emegvf dont focus on what a relationship is supposed to look like. no two relationships are the same. have fun, have conversations, voice your concerns or any issues you’re having with the relationship/him. just get to know each other and be patient with eachother. the rest is all up to you two
I can completely relate to this, in my case, my partner has ADHD, and I'm convinced he has some form of mild autism.
I've never understood flirting and how people even get together without being direct about it. I knew he liked me, he knew I liked him, and he asked me out.
I love how open and honest we are with eachother and don't have to be afraid to say something 'wrong'. He's attentive and caring. We will be upfront when something is wrong and that's how I like it, and in my opinion makes a good relationship grow. We make sure to be patient with eachother and keep eachother's triggers and the like in mind, and we both make eachother feel safe and that's all I could ever ask for.
I feel the same way about my girlfriend, I like when she stims with me and we are good at taking care of each other
I got diagnosed earlier this year and my boyfriend of 7 years left me because he ‘didn’t want autistic kids’ lololol, now terrified of dating again so needed this.
oh damn im so sorry that happend to you :(
That's so fucked up!
Oh my God im so sorry this happened to you :(( that’s so terrible and you didn’t deserve that
Thank you guys, I’m ok with it - it opened my eyes to a lot of other issues I was actively ignoring and seems he did me a favour long term so don't worry about me just add it to the relationship trauma list 😂
What's his address? I just wanna talk to him, I swear.. :)
Nah but for real, fuck that guy. Seems like you dodged a bullet, and trust me, you'll be okay, take time to heal. There's someone out there who isn't this douchy. You got this hun!
Ok the thing about people making mean judgements about your personality based on your looks being trauma is SO true. At least for me. Whenever I see a conventionally attractive person that I don’t know I automatically think they’re going to be mean BECAUSE when I was being bullied in school it was always the attractive ones. It’s my thing that I need to work through and obviously how you look doesn’t mean you act a certain way
My autism traits together with my bleached long hair and doll face I had when I was in my teens and 20s made people think I was stupid and shallow, I was bullied too. Then I thought I was popular for years but I later got to know people always talked behind my back and called me weird and fugly. Yay people, I actually gave up on friendships and parties because people assume the worst about autistic people it seems. My brother has had a very similar life experience and he has autism too. It’s somewhat of a blessing for me to look average/not considered conventionally pretty anymore now when I’m 36 actually, because now I attract very nerdy and nice people who appreciate my autistic way of being.
@@christineh86 I had a similar experience. Except I’m a brunette. But I was skinny and stereotypically pretty, so I felt like people expected me to act a certain way. However, when I acted ‘quirky’ or ‘odd’ they couldn’t quite get their head around it
OMG YES. I also get anxious around groups of teenagers (as an almost 30 year old) as well as groups of people who are laughing and look at me when I walk by because I think they're laughing at me.
@@rociosegura6091 Same, and I’m a 48 yr old guy who never fit in school. Still get nervous, even going to the gym.
@@christineh86 lol that didnt stop you from getting ran through by every guy
I remember telling my tinder date I'm autistic and he was just like 'well that's allllll fine I'm here for you'.
Well, nearly 3 years later he still is! There's hope out there :')
Yeah, it's fine if someone basically tells you that they'll be there for you through your difficult times. Good for you for finding someone who seems to be great for you. We're not incredibly easy people to be with. We could be considered too much of a hassle for quite a few people. So yeah, well done you.
You are shockingly lucky. I’ll just stop there…and congrats
it works because you are ♀
Yeah, that's because you are female. You can be yourself and every is cute to men. If a guy told a female tinder date "I'm autistic" shed be out the door in seconds. She'd delete his number, block him on social media, and he'd never hear from the chick ever again
Exactly! Women don't seem to understand this
my autism specialist and i laughed about this recently because it felt like a scripted moment. I've been in my first serious relationship for about a month now. on our third date, he kept saying "wow, i can't believe you've never been in a relationship! how have you been single for so long?" like, to the point where i finally was like "well..." and explained. turns out his best friend is autistic and it's all good, he's like the first person that couldn't tell on his own with me.
Manic Pixie Dream Girl is so relatable. This character "Clementine" has a quote that I deeply resonate with "Too many guys think I'm a concept, or I complete them, or I'm gonna make them alive, but I'm just a fucked up girl who's looking for my own peace of mind, don't assign me yours". Autistic girls tend to be a listener, so that way we can analyze the other person and therefore, act accordingly to them (how we mask to socialize) the thing is, some of us do this so often in the relationship, that, eventually the dynamic becomes in a non-changing roles relationship; receiver and transmitter. Being listened to, is an important key to develop a deep connection (plus looks, that, if we're honest, is the more important one) but the thing here, is that they're not in love with us per se, they're in love with the sensation of being seen (and having a relationship which's center is them). Idolizing someone who makes you feel good is a childish form of attraction, because it's directing the relationship towards failure. You cannot date someone you don't know anything about. (know its a lot but that part really hit me (also i'm not a diagnosed autistic)).
omg this makes so much sense and I've never heard this actually analyzed from the intersectional point of being female and autistic (I am an autistic girl and have had dating issues like this my whole life)
I hate that I feel like I have to base my identity around my romantic prospect and make them the center of the relationship. It almost feels like a survival tactic along with self esteem issues. I feel very wary of the other person because I feel vulnerable to manipulation and being taken advantage of.
"Autistic girls tend to be a listener, so that way we can analyze the other person and therefore, act accordingly to them (how we mask to socialize)" yoooooo what a fact!!! for real!!!
@@Floof1122 I would think that has to do with a history of social rejection as an autistic youth, that we have learnt to not people please or focus on the other person as a survival tactic. at least for me i have always succeded in observing first, learning then executing according to what i learnt about the others thru observed behaviour. honestly i have often felt like an alien on earth learning human behaviour differently. not intuitively like most do.
Thank you for saying this so well
I really respect Paige, for a lot of reasons, but also because many beautiful people aren't even willing to admit pretty privilege exists. Paige just looks the world in the face and is like "yup, this is what it is". She's so cool.
If you are good looking you can get away with sooo much. I'm shocked at how someone will instantly trust me because they think I'm really good looking....it is WILD to me because I have serious trust issues from abuse. I can't imagine trusting someone for being attractive alone.
@@nateo200you look like an average guy though .
“I’m not auditioning for people anymore.” I LOVE this!
Honestly, I think it's the confidence more than the looks that makes people assume you're like that. If you're super shy and quiet and pretty but outwardly insecure, everyone thinks you're just so sweet and nice and kind and angelic. If you're pretty and confident about it, people assume you're mean because you're setting boundaries and sticking to them while still getting what you want out of life.
I've noticed that sometimes, people think a person is "arrogant" if they think that the person who is displaying self-confidence is more confident than they feel like they should be.
Maybe that explains it then because I seem to receive pretty privilege (people holding doors open, smiling or staring at me, doing things for me etc.) but unless it’s a girl I know that’s already insecure, I don’t have an issue with girls being mean to me. I have an issue with friend becoming jealous of… something, idk what cause my life’s always been a hot mess and stabbing me in the back, but usually people just treat me like I’m this kind sweetheart who you wanna help or something
My fiance and I are both Autistic. We met through a social worker that we both had. The social worker thought we would be great friends and little did she know, me and the woman she introduced to me ended up falling madly in love.
That's adorable!
That’s lovely!! Congrats on your engagement :)
Poor children :(
Wait what…. I want a social worker to do this for me… can this happen to adults?
@@Anonymous-df8it p1ss off
"I look very much like a conventionally attractive douchebags type." "The thing that bothers me the most though is when they feel as though I feel the same way." You didn't need to jump into my brain circa 2019 and take my thoughts like that, Paige... lol thank you for speaking such a giant truth.
dude i shit you not you literally took the words out of my mouth!! im an autistic girl in college (and I think I'm generally pretty?) and i cannot TELL you how many times I've been "manic-pixie-dream-girl'ed" as well. It's exhausting!! I especially resonate with how you said you find very few people interesting, not to mention interesting enough to pursue romantically - I've always felt the exact same way, but no one's ever said it out loud! I honestly thought I was being a jerk but people are genuinely kinda boring sometimes lmao. not their fault, but still! thank you for making this video bro I feel so seen😭
One time I “came out” to my gf about being autistic and she reacted horribly. And then she turned out to be autistic herself. Thanks for this video. I struggle with dating for a lot of the same exact reasons you mentioned.
Ironic
She was in denial that’s all
How many traits of autism do a person need in order to be autistic?
@@moonknight4053 6.022*10^23 traits
@@Anonymous-df8it 1 mole of traits
This sparked a memory for me. Im very introverted and in my life experience some people assume im bitchy. I think maybe my face plays a roll in that, idk. But when I was 18 and got a job at petco grooming. My manager was initially pretty cold with me. As she got to know me she literally made the comment "when you first started here I thought, what is this girl doing here? You are too pretty to be working here"... ummm thanks? Was such a weird experience
I love how real you were in this video. Also loved how you said all girls are different. Guys trying to say “wow! You’re so different than all other girls!!” Is just a toxic ploy to separate us girls and create competition between us 😒
As a male, I’m thankful that all girls are different, at least to some degree at a bare minimum.
Otherwise, odds being what they are, I’d not like any of them. I don’t like all, because frankly, some percentage suck and are abusive. I can’t tolerate that.
So, perhaps I’m being too literal, but I think it’s not necessarily a bad thing to say, all depending on context and how it is said.
Besides, in my observation, girls/women don’t need any influence at all to create competition between them, they do that all by themselves! 😂
My (non-serious) immediate response to this is, “You’re right, I’m much worse. You should leave.” 😅
I discovered I was autistic during my long term and first ever relationship I'm in now. It was actually prompted by my partner and also looking into her likely ADHD, I was like some of my things are the same and some are the opposite that's weird! Was a journey with us both learning and accommodating and discovering that our brains can be really bad for each other when we're both feeling bad, but we stuck at the communication and have learned and grown through it all so far. Never thought it would happen for me because I was in a similar position to you with a lot of it but it's really nice!
Gods I needed this video. As someone with ADHD and a whole host of other diagnosed disorders dating is hard.
Ppl will say they’re cool with me being mentally I’ll and ND but then get freaked the instance I shown signs of display symptoms of either.
I miss having someone but I’m not chasing it anymore. It’s too exhausting and I have other things to do.
100 percent if someone is put off by robust personalities and weirdness (or the opposite trying to make it a manic pixie dream girl movie plot) they are a boring, unremarkable conformist. I hollered out Y E S so many times during this video. I especially enjoy how you phrased dating in the past as "auditioning for people" because that is so real as a young autistic person when masking bleeds into dating, I am done with trying to be who people want me to be. It is wonderful to see you get to that point at a younger age than I did.
im still trying i guess
@@bennyton2560 You can do it! I understand it is difficult and rejection for being autistic is incredibly hard. But your authentic self is wonderful and there will be people who enjoy being around you without you having to mask. Best of luck💜
@@TinyGhosty thank you so much ☺️😭
Not being yourself in a relationship is the single most sure way of infecting and killing a relationship. It's really quite sad, because the people might really be meant for each other (I'm a firm believer that the prospects of a relationship are established pretty early on, near immediate). Especially the fact that the relationship often probably would flourish if you would just be yourself. I was for years very much in love with a woman who was so insecure with herself that she very rarely if ever allowed herself to be vulnerable and fully herself for fear of judgement, abandonment and so on. Along these lines she kept me at a distance for the longest time and sometimes abandoned me when I was in need of her support. I developed trust issues and eventually had to let her go.
This is actually pretty similar to my experience in dating, I also date people I know. You might want to look into demisexuality, which is when you're attracted to someone you're already friends with or knew them for a while. I used to freak out when I heard my friends having hookups with people they barely know and how normalised it is but now I know why I viewed it that way, I can only date/have attraction to people I formed bonds with (which kinda sucks in today's age because people don't pursue you when you're already friends).
just to clarify, demisexuality is ONLY being sexually attracted to people once you already have another connection with them (romantic, platonic...)
nice to know other people thought this too :)
also def relate as a demiromantic demisexual it's SO HARD to move from being best friends with a person to dating/being in a relationship w/ them
The amount of introspection and social skills you have is absolutely impressive. It's quite rare to see in general.
As a 45 year old guy who is (primarily inattentive) ADHD and very likely on the spectrum I absolutely understood a lot of your feelings/thoughts on dating. I've wondered in the past whether there needs to be some sort of neurodiverse-specific dating app/site/whatever because the conventional ones feel like they are useless for those who cannot effectively express who they are and trying to sift through a mountain of bland, monotonous, uninspired profiles has got to be one of the layers of hell.
One piece of dating advice from my own experience would be to learn what healthy boundaries are, how to identify them, enforce them, etc. I'm still working on this.
I wish I realized the things you’ve realized when I was 22! I was really late developed socially or what to call it, that’s one of the ways autism shows up for me. I started realize things like this when I was 30 and had been dating a loooot since I was 15. I was considered conventionally attractive when I was younger too, which just made things harder for me. I’m 36 now. I mean being pretty helped me so that people even would invite me to parties, dates and stuff, but I always attracted douche bag guys who used be because I was so clueless and didn’t know how to set boundaries! It’s good that you know how to stand up for yourself, I still struggle a bit with it. Basically I was the perfect target for these guys. I didn’t know I looked conventionally attractive and I felt ugly even if I got tons of compliments. So I did everything to please these guys and they took advantage of me in many ways.. young people.. don’t be like I was 😥 but I had no one to help me and didn’t know I have autism until I was 30..
Man, this was me 10 years ago almost 100% (no-one's told me they thought I was a "bitch" but I do get "intimidating" sometimes). I had all those same issues: people pleasing, auditioning for others, and being shoved into the MPDG category so hard by boyfriends that 500 Days of Summer is literally the most triggering movie of all time for me. And I was also happier alone than I was in a relationship.
Anyway, I agree with all your advice here. Can't build a very good relationship if you're masking, and accountability and independence (i.e. not relying on another person for one's happiness) are really important qualities in a long-term companion. The rest is just a matter of self-reflection and communication skills.
I'm so happy that you're evolving and improving and becoming more you every day!
15:03 “I don’t like very many people. Very few people are interesting to me”.
The story of my life.
'super swag dudes' lmao. also omgggg I have not had someone describe "getting manic pixie dream girled" and this is so real. So many men want me to save them, and they tell me they like me soooo much but the reasons are always that they think someone like me could help/save them. I still deal with so much guilt around not giving people my time/energy if they seem to really need help. I also feel like this is just a thing that is in the media all the time-- men who are sad often like get written as characters or even say like "just talking to a pretty girl would help me and make me happy" and its just like I feel like men seek this from me and it's so strange-- i wish they sought genuine connection or something? idk I guess it's not my place to change it but I feel like looking like I do and being a super open person (and autistic) makes it so that I get confronted with this a lot and I feel I am literally hurting people if I don't comply and be friendly and sweet and give people attention to make them happy. I feel so guilty if I focus on myself, and I also feel like nobody believes me if I say I don't really like certain aspects of dating. or people don't respect that I like being alone. I also think that so many men in particular just feel that if they like me a lot, that must mean I like them. or like the concept of whether or not I like them doesn't even come into play, it's just they like me so we should be together.
I like your tangents. I agree with all of this. I've done the inner work for 2 years now. Its the single most important thing you can do is heal from your childhood wounds/trauma. I met someone and we're married now. He came to me when the time was right. We're both autistic and have a healthy relationship with lots of understanding and communication.
Read in some study that neurodivergents have the best partnership experiences with other neurodivergent people. From my own experience, looking at my friends and previous partners, i definitely agree.
So far dating’s been a great experience, my BF already knew I’m autistic before we started going out and he’s totally cool with that
ND folks are often also on the LGBTQIA+ spectrum, not forgetting that the A = aromantic, asexual, and all of those categories have sub-categories. It's complicated and worth reading a few books or there are specialist youtube channels we can watch. We also tend to mix up the different types of attraction, not all attraction is sexual. Ace Dad could be a good starting point, but there are quite a few sources of information out there.
I’ve suspected I’m on the spectrum for a while. And I’ve experienced people assuming I’m stuck up or a bitch because of my appearance. Several men I’ve dated were surprised when they found out I’m interested in “geeky” things, they’re surprised by my intelligence, Etc. Say I’m full of surprises.
People will avoid you if they’re intimidated or if they think you’re a bad person because they’re jealous of your appearance and it can also end up contributing to my loneliness. Cause I’m an introvert.
I wish I found out I was aro-spec earlier lol. Realizing I didn’t *actually* like being in romantic relationships and that I only thought I wanted one because that’s what you’re supposed to want was such a revelation to me. Funny thing is that I love media and narratives that feature romance more than anything. But I don’t self-insert or anything cause I don’t want that. I just want to see characters be in relationships. Even if I did want to be close to people like that, I generally find aspects of it just too sensorially gross. Like I hate kissing. And how people smell and other people being able to smell me.
just realized im ace!! i also love romance and find kissing gross. appreciate your comment
I support this and glad you discovered your romantic/sexual orientation 🥰🥰.
bro the kissing thing DUUUDDDEE
when you kiss, YOU'RE INSERTING YOUR SALIVA TO THE OTHER PERSONS MOUTH!!😭😭😭😭😭😭 I cant do thaaatttt
i actually found this channel because i really liked somebody who is on the spectrum, so i wanted to know what to do and what not. It ended up going nowhere but that is the way of live, and I found a great channel in the process.
When it comes to relationships I've only been in 1 and It was traumatic.
I tend to become way too comfortable way too fast and become dependent, which made me vulnerable.
And plus, Undiagnosed ASD and DPD
Thank you so much for talking about this, Paige. I’m 23 and I haven’t been diagnosed, but I’m sure I’m autistic.
I relate to your entire story. I’ve been severely depressed lately because of the way people at work stare at me like I’m a magic unicorn just because I’m pretty, yet I don’t act typical to social norms.
I’m constantly hyper-aware of the way people treat me due to my prettiness and this along with being undiagnosed is sooo hard, so thank you for giving me a voice about this. You’re amazing💜
YES on the “I am trying to look at peoples actions and not their words” I’ve always had trouble knowing if someone actually cares about me bc frequently they’ll say one thing and then do another. But I’ve learnt since to only look at the latter. If you care about me, show me.
I love how you real you are.
And I wish I stopped "auditioning" for everybody way earlier. Not so much in relationships, but for teachers, colleagues, job interviews, friends of friends, etc. I think for many fellow Aspies/autistic people, this is or should be one of biggest life lessons and decisions. Together with putting trust in yourself, without not knowing exactly the outcome upfront for basically any situation.
Thanks for being so open and sharing your valuable insights. Keep it real. :))
This is literally everything I have ever experienced, and everything I didn’t know I needed to hear. Thank you for making me feel like I’m not alone ❤
i have adhd and this is so comforting....it seems like i go through this MPDG cycle with every guy i get close to and it's like the more guarded i am and try to wait for them to get to know me, the longer it takes the cycle to start. all it does is give me time to develop real feelings while they continue to idealize me
I've had an eerily similar experience in dating. I've had girls be attracted for my looks and humor, but as they learn more and my autism becomes more apparent, their expectations aren't reality and they're like "who the heck are you?" It feels it's always superficial and nothing beyond that.
These experiences taught me that I need to rediscover and appreciate myself, and learn to unmask my autism to make true connections and live a healthier life. These videos have been a massive help in making me feel far less crazy and alone in my struggles.
Thank you!
I am so proud of you Paige.
That is so relatable like I mostly don’t talk to people because while I do have that “pretty face” and they end up being immediately just disappointed by how I act or respond. I have learned to be okay with being weird and if they are uncomfortable then they can leave ? Lol like I don’t enjoy interactions anyway so I can’t keep being mad at myself because of other people and their actions
Such a great video you keep it 100 every time! Someone like you is perfect for the community!
I put #ActuallyAutistic in my bio on dating apps and if that’s a turn-off that’s her problem 😂
Maybe don't?
@@Anonymous-df8it
Too late 😎
@@thetonytaye Remove it?
@@Anonymous-df8it why?
@@d_rk_sh Don't you want a date?
So relatable. And so great to hear that, it's supporting. Also trauma work is a great advise and sometimes even if you working with this for years it will still affect you one way or another, it's important to remember that it's work in progress and be kind to yourself. And I feel ya about a crying over a person and having terrible emotional pain (I'm also ADHD so emotional disregulation amplifying that lol) when the person won't be even good for you or not making an effort to even know you better. Like I literally ask myself WHY but sometimes you feel what you feel and it's not something you can easily cut down so there's also no reason to additionally bit yourself up over that. I think through life we really learn how not to be happy with ourselves and it's hard to unlearn it.
Really Paige thank you. Your sentence, ''I am a nice person, and you would be lucky to end up with me, doesn't mean that also I don't want to end up with someone nice and interesting'' is in my head lately. I feel like a lot of guys I attract look for a replacement for their mom, and aha, I am very nice and sensitive and care about your needs, (really automatically unfortunately) but that doens't give them the right to keep trying with me after I already said no! It is so exhausting being on your boundaries the whole freaking time. So thank you for your clearity.
I am SO excited for the pretty privilege video you have no idea. I have been Manic Pixie Dream Girl-ed COUNTLESS times, and it’s the worst. So glad someone relates oh my god
this video is a FAVORITEEE hahah yes the pretty privilege has yet to be discussed in depth!! I dont think ive related to a video more in my lifeeeee
I relate to what you said at the end about being heartbroken over a guy. He wasn't really bad to me, he wouldn't commit to any type of relationship, and I was soooo stuck on him. I was "with him" for four years before he moved about two hours away, and even then for nearly a year I was still "with him" until I learned from a mutual friend that he was seeing someone else. Which, cool, we weren't in a relation beyond friends with benefits, but you gotta let the other person know these types of things. I was still stuck on him for a really long time, but eventually accepted that him basically cutting me out was him doing what was best for me. Been with my husband for just two months shy of 12 years, married for 10 this coming February.
My dating life as a gay man in my early 20s has been non existent. The only boyfriend I had was when I was 14, and I met him at a psychiatric hospital, I was also direct with him telling him, I like him, as well as him telling me, he wants to kiss me.
I did get lucky that first time, I just now realized this year that flirting is all about body language. I never know when a guy is discreetly flirting with me, so I feel like I’ve missed a lot of opportunities for love. It does make me sad, perhaps a little more than sad. Because I’m navigating the world as an autistic gay man, it’s extremely isolating, and lonely.
Thank you Paige for all your hardwork. I just got a comb stuck in my hair so this really helped ❤😂❤😂❤😂❤😂❤😂❤😂
as a neurotypical person I dated someone on the spectrum and It was really cool although tough just because the "rule book on dating" is different and I felt like I needed to understand and adapt quickly and sadly despite my best intentions...... I failed. lol But it was a very nice experience nonetheless and I like that person very much.
I'm a neurotypical boy in highschool and I have a big crush on a "manic pixie dream girl". I was gonna talk to her and try and build a relationship but this video destroyed my self confidence about talking to her. Now I don't know what to do.
@@youtubesucks1111 go for it bro just understnad that she is her own person with her own issues and not someone made to ¨fix¨ you, but try dude
28, never dated personally speaking. Wanted to ask people out, but between my being an introvert and also having been undiagnosed up until now, ive never felt comfortable to really try to do so. I wanted to, but the opportunities to do so have always been hard to figure out.
Everybody ive ever been interested in has always already been taken or just would have been awkward to try to date or I was too awkward/scared to ask at the time. The few times I really maybe finally had a chance to try to date was in college and unfortunately it just never happened. Met a girl I was interested in during a frat rush/recruitment event, but we both ended up not joining and I only saw her a few times at lunch during the one semester during/after that. I was too scared to ask her out.
The other girl I potentially had an opportunity to date was my best friend’s girl at the time. He had actually introduced us and knew we occasionally talked together, but after they broke up, she had kind of pursued me a bit, but it felt so awkward with them having just broken up. I don’t subscribe to any kind of bro code, but I just couldn’t do it. Plus, it felt like maybe she was trying to get close to somebody who was in her ex’s circle of friends to try to get back at him or to get back to him through me somehow. She actually just instantly stopped talking to me when I went to see her once and told her I’d told my friend I was going to go see her. Just completely cut me off.
Idk how else to meet anybody now that I’m out of college. I know a lot of my friends go to bars and stuff to meet new people, but between being an introvert and being autistic, I don’t really like going to bars all the time to hangout or to try to meet people that way. The one time I was flirted with at a bar, I didn’t even realize it until I told my friend about it and he told me to go back and talk to the girl, but I hadn’t even paid attention to her face because I was just trying to walk down the length of the bar to get to my friend, so I couldn’t go approach her after because I couldn’t remember what she looked like.
Trying to do online dating through various apps, but not having any success through that. I would maybe have better success if I had better pictures, maybe, but I don’t feel I picture well and/or I don’t know how to take good pictures for them.
So I'm on the ace spectrum, so don't really date, but I might have some advice if you want it. After all, the situations where you find friends aren't too different from finding people you might want to date.
I'm 26 and have found the best way to meet people is to go to events based on a hobby or interest. If you're religious, go to church or another religious event. If you like dnd, go to dnd sessions. If you like rock climbing, go to a rock climbing gym. If you like reading, go to events hosted by the local library or join a book club. When you go to places based on an interest, not only will you have more fun being there, but you automatically have something to talk about with people. If someone is there too, it can be assumed you share the interest.
If you find someone you like at these events, then it is a lot easier to ask them on a date or to hang out, as you know you share a common interest you can plan the day around.
Once you get to know the people who share your interest, you can start hanging out with them. When you do, you are likely to meet their friends, who you might like to get to know as well.
If you keep expanding your circle like this, you end up meeting quite a few people, some of whom you might click with. This is how I make friends when I move. I've made some lasting friends this way.
Don't know if this helps any, but thought I would share just in case. I'm autistic as well, although was only diagnosed a couple months ago, and this has been how I've met the people I'm close to.
Thank you Paige! 😊 This video taught me a word I didn't know, and I find that exciting. 😁 "Limerence"...
such a pretty-sounding word! I screenshotted the definition so I can remember to use it.
interesting. i learned about that word through paige as well, but not from THIS video. it was actually through a video on her tiktok that had it in the caption.
Thanks for your honesty, I think a lot of people can relate it different ways.
I relate to her so much this gives me perspective. I’m not diagnosed with autism but it’s like she had the experience that I’m having.
I've never been in a relationship because after the first girl I crushed on in high school very publicly turned me down in front of the whole class, I decided I NEVER wanted to go through that again. So I just stay with crushes without saying anything to them... I'm fine solo...
PAIGE omg this entire video blew my mind. you described my experiences to a T!!
Really cool video Paige. It's a good luck in your relationship history that makes all that your hope for come alive. Very real and could help me a lot today. Thanks
omg words! a lot of what you said made so much sense. i wish i had my diagnosis, and your videos, years ago. it would've saved me so much confusion and dating mishaps. the people that tend to persue me also made no sense to me, as well as the comments from how other people perceive me. please do the pretty privilege video, i'd love to hear your input
This is a very informative video in general! Thank you so much for this.
So nice to hear someone else say that they don't like drinking or partying that much. I feel like there is such a social pressure to be into all that, and people think you're boring if your not.
I felt a lot of this especially the "I thought you were such and such at first" I get that all the time. I also want to say that yes a lot of us, if not all, need therapy. However, it's poor folks have never been able to afford it. I wish that was acknowledged more. It's also why I haven't been officially diagnosed.
it's also a very difficult process, specially if you don't have support. Where I live we have free healthcare, and it definitely works, but for things like mental health it's almost impossible. They don't have psychiatrists in most cities, and even if they did, the information we have here is so outdated that I'm scared I won't be properly diagnosed or suffer discrimination because "you're a woman, you can't be autistic".
And I'm not even going through the free process, I pay 500 (which is half of the living wage here) a month for my psychiatrist, I'll start therapy soon and that's another 200 a session, who knows how many I'll have to do a week, and I'll still have to pay 2300 to do just the tests (blindly, since I won't know how updated they are to diagnose an adult woman)
I must add: I would never have been able to go through this if my parent wasn't paying for it. I can't get a job let alone keep one, dropped out of college at 23 and never been able to come back or study to get back into college. This is a very big opportunity for me, so I can only imagine how other undiagnosed people go through, most not even knowing wtf is "wrong" with them, like I have for most of my life.
(I have no idea where I was going with this so there, my life story for you, you're welcome)
@@d_rk_sh lol it's ok. Sometimes it's good to talk about that stuff even to a stranger. I never even thought about the possibility of being autistic until I was in my late 20s. I was talking with a friend who worked with kids on the spectrum and I kept thinking to myself "that sounds exactly like me as a kid"
Gotta love it when you're on the spectrum and learn to read micro expressions. It helps a lot!
Dating is hard, but being myself is the best advice i have for myself. As you said if they dont love me for who i am they aint the one. My interpersonal skills have improved dramatically in the past few years. My past traumatized self comes through sometimea unfortunately, but I am able to manage it. I am really proud of myself about how far I have improved.
Thanks for this actually enlightening content on dating as an autistic person. I'm glad you can communicate your experiences in a way that engages and clarifies whatever topic is at hand, while providing possible ways to find solutions. I like your matter-of-fact style of delivery. Of course I know you don't have all answers, just like anybody, but you have more experience than me in some areas and together with the insight you've gained from the work you've done on yourself (therapist and whatever) a lot of what you've described will come in handy, I believe. Take care not to pressure yourself too much to "do it all". I keep doing that and then crash, I'd like to be more compassionate towards myself. Maybe you'll benefit from the reminder as well? I try to train myself in doing things less "well", since perfectionism gets in the way of getting my mundane adl out of the way. Good luck and thanks again.
The only relationship I've had with a diagnosed Autistic person had some very unique challenges that enlightened me on how my own Autism could be and how it could be a challenge for others. Keeping on time, communicating tasks and plans, the fact we are both just really bad at eating on time. It's also been an absolute blast at times where I can just *do the autistic things* and they understand them and sometimes join in!
My only real challenges I've become aware of so far is, with my specific partner, the masking and body doubling make it really hard to get things done sometimes, and since they were diagnosed far earlier in life than me (her at 10, me at 36) our ability to communicate can be a struggle, particularly if I need to give direction.
Idk, maybe I'm skewed as an Autistic man in a baby panda onsey, but aside from the autism quirks it's really no different than my neurotypical relationships in the past. I consider the Autism things more like a lifestyle adaptation than anything, like how dating a vegan meant I could eat burgers but just not cook them for the partner.
You're pretty cool, kid. Inspire me to do my own essays on my insights in Autism. Thank you for that.
Great stuff, Paige. Thank you for sharing. I wish you much success in any future dating endeavors you may engage in.
Because yeah, it can be hard. For all sorts of reasons, some of them unique to our individual selves, some of them universal, and a lot of them a little of each.
What you share is so relatable! Honestly the struggle of existing with pretty privilege and autism has been a terrible dating experience for me. People just want to project their idea of who they want you to be for their own needs and that has often been sexual satisfaction or arm candy. People do not take me seriously to consider me a life partner but will date me for months or even years so by 30 I’ve stopped dating. I’m more interested in understanding my neurodiversity for myself and if someone genuine comes along I’ll be cautious to see if their actions match their intentions:
Thank you for this video!! I decided to take a break from dating 2 years ago due to trauma and last year I was diagnosed with autism. I’ve had a lot of worries about going back into the dating pool, and wondered how to handle dating as an autistic person
"I'm not auditioning for anyone anymore" EXACTLY 💜
Paige, that impression you did of a guy in a deep voice nearly made me fall outta my chair from laughter 🤣🤣🤣 thanks for that! 👍🏻
So I find myself at the start of a romantic relationship. This video was very helpful. I recently started going to therapy and getting help with my extreme anxiety issues as well and I’m thankful. Thanks for this video
Awesome video, Paige! 💜💜💜💜
Dating as a 26 year old non-binary autistic person is very difficult, I like own solitude and my idea of having fun isn’t going out, I would prefer to stay in if I went on a date. I’m pretty sure I get manic pixie vibes but I don’t wanna fix anyone
omg everything you explain I feel so much! I hate it. Like sometimes I feel I should be glad people see me and think I must be so great but it sucks when they get to know me, realize im not then run and ghost me and such. I hate people seeing me how I am not simply by my look I guess.
Oh my God you found it! I feel the flowers coated in baby powder"" is my favorite scent. I think it's a natural pheromone release during the motherly attraction and or care role
I haven’t watched this video yet but I’m always excited to see what you have to say! I’m sure I will thoroughly enjoy this like all of you content. I and my girlfriend are autistic, it can be difficult at times, but we love eachother so much, and our experiences that are unique to us and being autistic definitely brought us together because we were able to understand eachother on a deeper level, that most allistic people (non autistic people) because we understand what it’s like to be autistic.
Thanks Paige for the dating advice so helpful 😊
I've gotta say I admire you for being so blunt and for saying things that might make others uncomfortable, like talking about pretty privilege and whatnot. We can't have this conversation without having the whole conversation and shoutout to you for being brave enough
as somebody who is autistic and is ‘pretty’ too, I relate to this video so much!!
its interesting because my first impression of you was the opposite of what you said. really smart, very nice and kind, kinda preppy and super organized. To me you really come off as someone who has their life together lol.
Never related to something so much! I am almost 24 and never dated anyone. I’m a pretty shy person and hate partying, drinking, and loud like you said. I also totally relate to what you said about dating apps. I’ve never tried them but I hate the idea of them because a lot of it revolves around looks. I think I identify as Demisexual, meaning I have to really get to know someone and connect with them before feeling any attraction, so personality is a big factor. I also feel like people only go after me because of my looks and that they wouldn’t accept me if they knew about my quirks. Thank you so much for this video, it made me feel a lot better about where I’m at. ❤
I know your comment was written a while ago but I feel the exact same way! I turned 28 yesterday and I still haven't been in a relationship. I'm getting fed up with people asking me when I'm going to find a boyfriend/husband. It's nice to know that I'm not alone😀
this video showed me i was looking for my current bf to manic pixie dream girl me, to be a wattpad fanfic of a man. but he isn’t, and i really appreciate that. this feels different from my previous obsessions and limerence moments. it’s scary cuz i’m not used to the mellowness and understanding, but it’s nice when i sit back and realize how stable this is.
Omg thank you for defining the manic pixie dream girl thing. Definitely got that a lot before I transitioned, now it’s slightly different and I mostly just avoid dating.
Also super relate to your experience about an older guy seeking me out when I was a teenager (17) relationship lasted almost 6 years but we were hella incompatible.
FIRST OFF, i love you! by the end of the video you had me smiling so much.
There were so many sighs of relief and resonance as I watched this. Okay so I am a adult diagnosed autistic. Im also a woman (26).
and I have come because I have not successfully dated anybody. Nothing even official, just "what are we, this feels more than just a friendship" type of vibes. okay i wont make this comment too long but of course thank you for sharing this perspective from an aspie female.
The last guy interested in me was exactly the scenario you painted about fantasizing me as an MPDG! and from my own work and looking up how relationships and dating work i knew there was something off. like red flags but i almost entirely dismissed it as me not knowing anything because of my lack of social understanding. but anyways.
my biggest takeaway from this really is:
1. dont audition for someone.
2. learn to be okay with being myself, with being weird because its exhausting to roleplay and mask as someone ur not. and i just might be indirectly pushing away the right person for as a result.
3. ITS OKAY TO BE WEIRD AND NOT CONFORM, u can still find healthy love.
4. the word : LIMERENCE.
The point about not changing yourself for another person, to try to be who you think they want you to be or who they will like... I struggle a lot with that in any relationship, romantic or not. Sometimes so much that I start to wonder who I actually am. I think when it comes to changing yourself for others, the only exception is when you learn there's a way in which you need to grow as a person, that benefits both you and others in your life. But even then, that change being positive for you is critical.
Can 100% relate to people just not being interesting. Can't stand a person who can't tell me about their interests or hobbies. When I first met my partner I was impressed by how talented he is While looks play a role in the complete picture, talent, hobbies and interests are so much more important to me.
Paige! This video is so genuine, very relatable to me as i have Asperger’s and always wondered why i had such difficulty in dating.
Given you opened up with Netflix’s Love on the Spectrum. What are your thoughts on the show? Did you feel it made the cast appear as they weren’t adults? I sorta got that sense. Especially the score and soundtrack of the show was very kid like.
I always felt that show was infantilising, expecting people to coo over disabled people. Generally that was my problem with undateables as well.
I can relate to this in some way. I’m 30 from the UK. I do have asperger’s syndrome. I struggle to find a relationship and I find losing someone can difficult too. But working on myself and my uni work is my main focus. I’m hoping some day I will find right person eventually.
I would LOVE to see a video about your tattoos! What they are and the meanings and when you got them🤗🥰 I love them!!!😊
There’s a tattoo tour on her TikTok. Meanings and everything. And it’s one of her more recent vids so there shouldn’t be much scrolling. (I’d link it but TH-cam would delete it immediately)
I feel you, like 100%, I look very similar too, we have the same age and I’m also autistic. I had all those situations happened to me. Thanks for sharing, I feel more included now
Good video. Continue on your road on getting the giant gold play button
That Manic Pixie Dream Girl thing caught me off guard- I thought that I might have been seen as one before but then when you did that POV I was kind of shell shocked. The sheer amount of conversations I've had with men that have been like that when we started dating- TOO HIGH, WHY DID I NOT NOTICE BEFORE
'don't audition for someone' I love that. Thank you!
After being hypersexual I am now asexual. So dating is very simple right now: There is basically no and it feels so chill ☺.
I didn't know you could go from hypersexual to asexual that's so interesting
@@BilliesPetRock It kind of makes sense, when you are hyposensory, you tend to try to overcompensate to try and obtain the sensory input, until you realise you just aren't interested and accept it.
If you still experience attraction then you are NOT ace, it's that simple. As someone who is genuinely ace I find it offensive that so many people like yourself are now using my label when you are just celibate. That's the correct label for you.
@@facthunt2facthunt245 How can you say something like that? You don't know if I experience sexual attraction or any attraction at all. You just concluded that, probably because of the reason that you find it offensive that many people lable them like that. So: No! "Celibate" is not the correct "lable" for me - simply because I don't experience any sexual attraction. By the way it's something not uncommon that within the neurodivergent community there are people who don't fit into the heteronormative sexual orientation including those ones who don't experience any sexual and/or romantic attraction at all.
I don't actually understand why you feel kind of offended. I heard of people being heterosexual (he had a girlfriend) and after sometime he found out that he vibes more with men and now calls himself gay. I think that's totally valid.
So I really don't understand why you find it offensive that - as you say - "so many people are now using 'your' lable when they are just celibate". Ok, might be true that if they are really celibate, it's just the wrong word, then you are right here. It's not "your" lable though.
@@BilliesPetRocknone of these labels are real things dude
this clicked a few things Into place for me that I already knew but didn't realize
thank you ^^
Yeah you've definitely got the looks. Your thought process and the way you articulate it makes me giggle because I do the same. Also sadly people see me the same but hey at least I'm honest.