ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 15 ต.ค. 2024
- Hi everyone! It has certainly been awhile! A quick update... I’ve been using low dose testosterone gel for nearly a month now. I’ve been a bit quiet about this decision because I didn’t want to feel pressured to continue if I decided it wasn’t the right fit for me. I’ve thought about T for a very long time, and there are things I certainly want (and would make my life, especially my career life, a lot easier to navigate) like facial hair and fat redistribution and generally being read a little more reliably as male so that I can feel less like I need to police my queerness and femininity all the time to “pass.” My singing voice changing, however, has been what’s held me back from starting testosterone. I love singing Sara Bareilles, and I am grieving a bit as some of those songs are starting (already!) to get a little harder for me to sing in the same keys I'm used to. I decided to post this video (and loooong description) because as I was information-gathering I had a really hard time finding anyone who felt the same way as me - definitively wanting certain visual aspects of themselves to change, but not their voice.
I was initially going to record these and keep them to myself, but in case sharing is helpful to anyone else who’s angsted over the decision to start hormones or not as a non-binary person, I wanted to put this out there. I don’t know if I foresee myself being on T forever - maybe once I can have a nice 5-o’clock shadow that’ll be enough for me and I’ll stop. At the end of the day... it’s no one’s life but my own. I was tired of side-lining myself because I was afraid of what others would think if my approach to medical transition didn’t look like a cookie-cutter case. I’m lucky that I have a provider who is supportive and willing to work with me to do things at the rate that I want to do them.
It’s only been about a month, but I’ve definitely gained a couple of low notes that weren’t there before! I picked a couple of songs that feel good (or at least ok) in my throat and body right now to sort of track as things continue to change. My voice has felt much more "tired" (best way I can describe it) the past week or two - it feels similarly to when I'm sick and am starting to lose my voice just a bit. Though I end this video on a frustrated little "bleh," I do know this phase is just temporary. I’m starting voice lessons this week to help retrain my voice as it changes and (hopefully) keep some high notes while getting to know some new low ones better.
Also, a few other random updates: I’m still in school (nearly done!), and just started wearing glasses about 3 weeks ago (pharmacy school has aged me 10 years, I swear). My girlfriend of (almost) 2 years now and I live together and are proud parents of the little toenail clacker you hear in the background (my 16 year old dog, Sandy/"Poods") and the regal Miss Moneypenny (Julia's cat, who disappears whenever the guitar comes out).
Thank you so much for sharing this, I’m a month away from my first endo appointment regarding T and I’m shit scared for my singing voice. Hearing you not want to change your singing voice is really validating to me when I’m in a place where I’m really not sure if I want to either
You have a nice voice! 💕
would love updates! perfect song choices btw. def songs on my "to sing when i go on t" list. :)
Dude! What songs did you sing?