This is great information. I grew up with all these tactics used.by my parents and sibling. I now recognize them immediately in other people, but I never know how to respond. I get angry. Then I feel badly for acting this way. Not feeling badly for the person so much as feeling badly for myself; my own inner peace.
That smirk. That goddmned self-satisfied cruel I just insulted you to your dumb face and you're too stupid to realize it and I got away w it because you're stupid and I'm smart you're weak and I'm can make you do whatever I want mirthless smirk. I got to where I could 'hear' it in texts; in hindsight anyhow, because it took me so long to understand the insults, the passive aggressive blows, insinuations, implications, and even the outright threats of infidelity and other things followed by an lol when there was NOTHING to lo-fucking-l about. Wrote it off as a number of things but once I knew what it was it was a dead giveaway of mal intent. Who's laughing now bastard?
Especially your dreams because they don’t want you happy. They want you to be miserable because they’re so f-ing jealous.. How sad when it’s your family 😢
I saw a great strategy once. I went out to a diner with 2 other people after a workshop. I had eaten a LOT earliet, so I just accompanied them for the conversation, and did not order anything. When the bill came, one person said he suddenly couldnt find his wallet. The other person got up and went to the register to ask for a separate check. She came back saying, "OH wow! what are you going to do? My bill is paid. I only had 15 dollars on my debit card, which is why i only ordered 12 dollars (plus tip) worth of food." When the missing-wallet guy turned to me to pay, I followed suit saying, "I brought NO money, which is why I didnt eat." Shortly after, the missing-wallet person suddenly "found" a surprise billfold in his jacket pocket. The two of us have avoided him ever since.
All I can say what an awful group you all are. Why would you eat before dinner and go to gloat at other people’s attitudes when your own is nothing to be proud of?!
If I suspect a new friend/acquaintance is a narcissist, I will say something nice about someone else during our convo and see if they get visibly jealous and go silent. Kind, genuine people like to hear pleasant things about others, or at least don't get angry
I’m going to try that. I recently met a person who I thought may be nice to get to know. She criticized someone twice and another once. Im distancing myself from her and grey rocking her.
After 25 years married to a covert narcissistic, all I can say is that I can smell them a mile away. My first two dates after my divorce was a guy who pulled the misplaced wallet stunt. The next would ask me an open ended question and every time I tried answer, he would cut me off and talk over me. I kicked both to the curb fast. I'm better off and happier alone.
Good for you girl. I'm still married to one but have been separated for three years now, and raised three kids. She is not the common narcissist that is talk about, but has all the symptoms but is totally self-sufficient, has no need to depend on anyone else. I still love her, but can not live with her. Like you, she has taught me very well. About 25yrs of schooling, but the peace that I feel each day now, is amazing.
So let's get this straight..You were MARRIED to a "Narcissist" for TWENTY FIVE YEARS... Yet you are now past your prime (Men look for looks and fertility..They are the two primaries a woman has to offer a man) and any potential dates "Lucky" enough to date you have to walk on eggshells and the FIRST mistake they get kicked to the curb... Hmmm Yes, get yourself a yappy little dog and some pet cats... They will love you "Unconditionally" Do you have the hacked-off lesbian haircut yet or is that in the pipeline?
If you have shaky self confidence and have trouble maintaining boundaries, you may not realize right away that you're being mistreated. I lived with someone for 11 years and after the first 2 years, my "partner" very gradually started to show his true self. Unfortunately, I kept blaming myself for how unhappy I felt. When I finally suggested couples therapy, he got very angry and said he'd only go if I paid for it. We didn't go, and I know now, it wouldn't have helped. When I started to feel suicidal, and tried talking to him about it, he replied, "Well, I'm perfectly happy with MY little life." Clearly, I wasn't part of his little life, other than my financial contributions and as an accessory that made him look normal to other people. I did find myself a therapist and she helped me see what had been draining me for so many years. It was just at the point that I was going to ask him to leave (it was my apartment, originally), that I woke up having a heart attack. I had heart surgery and it took me a year to recover. During that time, he began grooming his Plan B. When I began speaking up and there were consequences for his abusive behavior, he announced he had "met someone", and he was gone in a few weeks. Had I understood that there are covert, church going, nice guy narcissists who can tell you everyday that they love you, and bring you flowers on random occasions, but all the while feel contempt for you, lie about everything, use you for their financial benefit and suck the life energy out of you, I would maybe have been fooled for those first two years, but not for the next 8. So, I agree with you in general, but knowing that I had fallen into the web of a narcissist, that label finally allowed me to free myself. And I continue to work on the aspects of myself that allowed someone to take over my life.
Extremely wise, there's so many personality disorders and other things it's a minefield to diagnose and serves no purpose really anyway - if it feels off it's off. Get out. The right person won't have you playing mind games, they'll be an open book and you'll happily grow together. Never settle for anything less than total happiness.
As someone raised by an N, it was difficult to know that someone wasn't treating me right. I was raised to focus on others' needs and not my own. Basically, I respected boundaries and had none for myself.
It can be so subtle, like a poison that isn't that obvious -- because your upbringing made you codependent, etc. In this case, labeling and understanding this whole phenomenon is actually helpful, and might be the only thing to breaking free. Awareness, clarity, right action, freedom.
It's a learned thing. Once you get it you should never be manipulated by one again. Painfully, we don't always get it first time around. I grew up with a narc mother and went through two relationships with narcs until it clicked that something as going on, because I heard about gaslighting abd finally said 'hold on'. A lot of painful therapy and learning later I'm pretty much bullet proof.
As a martial arts instructor for many years as well as a teacher of self defense for women seminars, I just wanted to point something out about Ms. DeVor's description of narcissistic manipulation. One of the signs of impending predatory attack is a stranger who steps over your personal boundaries. And then shames you if you try to say no and then gaslights you if you continue to say no. For instance a stranger accidentally "on purpose" runs into you outside your apartment building causing you to spill your groceries. Immediately he begins running around picking up your spilled groceries. You tell him no, that's not necessary because something inside of you feels uneasy about this incident. It is this initial sense of uneasiness that you should honor. There is an instinct inside of you that has unconsciously picked up on something that is signalling you to be wary. And he says, it's no problem, really and continues to pick up the groceries even though you have already told him no. He has ALREADY crossed your boundaries and you don't even know him. Once your groceries are picked up, he says well the least I can do is help you carry these groceries up the steps. Once again you say no, that's not necessary. He then shames you. Come on, are you going to be mean to me when I'm just trying to be nice? If you fall for this, he'll walk you up the steps, now he says well now that I'm here, I might as well hold the groceries while you unlock the door to the apartment building. You, just trying to prove now that you're not "mean", apologize and say to him, please understand that the city isn't safe and I'd rather not unlock my door if you don't mind. Then he gaslights you. Come on "little lady", he says. You're sounding a little paranoid now.... I hope you see where this scenario is leading. This is a true story and the woman was horribly victimized by a sexual predator. She barely escaped with her life. If you want to learn more about fending off these scenarios I highly recommend the book "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin De Becker which is where I first learned of this particular incident. Please stay safe by honoring your boundaries, your own instincts and making wise decisions.
Women are just as often narcissists as are men, playing manipulative games, taking more than they give, gloating over and reveling in what they steal from any man. My adoptive mother was a child molester/rapist, whom I barely survived, and whom everyone called a "wonderful woman."
As a space marine, neurosurgeon, architect, author of the best selling psychiatry book ever, astronaut and a professional connoisseur of the YT comment section, I can definitely say, that no one cares what you put in front of your wall of text, especially when it makes no sense whatsoever, like in your case. It doesn't give you any authority. It only detects a narcissist.
The scary thing I realized about this is - if our parents are narcissists, they don't test our boundaries. They create them. And uncreating them makes you a warrior.
The Narkys that I've encountered in the world...mostly have been small potatoes, compared to the hidden layers of damage that continue to surface...thanks to my Narky Family Of Origin
If your parents are narcissists, they won't let you make boundaries to begin with. They won't even teach you the word boundary and what it means, because you're supposed to be their toadie and they don't want you to turn anyone else down for any reason either
The inappropriate little smile is key. They cannot hide it. It comes when you disclose something that hurt you. Their inner joy for your pain is revealed in that moment. Remember it whenever you think you may have misjudged them. You didn't.
@@JerBlackmer You are right about that. There is much more and at the same time much less to them. They have a complicated existence of hating themselves yet transferring that self loathing towards others in a thinly veiled false believe that everyone else is to blame for their unhappy existence. I say much less because they lack the full array of emotions that a complete human being has; Empathy, Emotional Intimacy, Self-Regulation, Shame and Self-Reflection, Nostalgia and Sentimental Attachment. That last one might be new to some, but it's there. Narcissists likely do not experience the same sentimental attachment to memories, people, or shared experiences that others do. This can make it easier for them to discard relationships. It is for these reasons I believe a narcissist should be pitied, not hated. They cannot change, but then again they don't want to.
@@JerBlackmer Yes, narcissists often disagree without offering alternatives, which can be a deliberate tactic to confuse others and maintain control in conversations. This behavior stems from several aspects of narcissistic personality: Contrarian Nature being the primary one in which the narcissists frequently disagree simply for the sake of disagreement. They think it demonstrates their self-perceived superiority and they relish the thought of creating confusion or frustration in others. Of course it is easy to spot.
Reminded me my ex’s father’s wife when she first time met me. She said WITH A SMILE that she heard my late pet died.I barely held my self from starting crying. And 1 hour later she said their dog is the most important person in their household so they had to cancel their vacation. So my pain caused a smile in her! As long as it’s not her pain! Now as I recall it seems WEIRD(!). Thank you for drawing my attention to the important details.
And even if you do stumble or fail, never look back or go back to them. Narcissists may get some senses of satisfaction to see you fail, but when you still continue your own path and don't have any intent on returning, they will inevitably get frustrated. Because that is their end goal, to have you come back to them, and to be able to control and manipulate you again. Not to mention, your willingly walking away and never going back may invoke them to be somewhat self-conscious and realize what type of person they really are. Because unless they see it for themselves, no one can help them realize their own narcissism and toxicity.
Ha. That's short-lived. If they're still enough in your life that you can see their face, they're still targeting you. Cut off all contact and forget about them.
They won't stop until they break you down and ruin your life. After years of that kind of treatment it gets harder and harder to cope with it. You can't beat them. Just leave and don't look back.
When I go out with someone, I always drive separately and ask for separate checks. Then if he wants to pick mine up, fine, but if he says he doesn't have his wallet, I just say "That's too bad. I have enough to cover mine, but not both." Then I pay my bill, say "I'm sure you can work something out with the manager," and leave.
There is the Who asked whom etiquette to consider in this case. Unless otherwise arranged, the default is that whomever did the asking/planning is the host and therefore the one who pays. This is particularly true on a first date. A buddy/hangout situation is different but that needs to be very clear from the get go.
On a date with a real man and a real woman.....the man pays the bill. The man gets the door(s), the man is a gentleman, and the man needs to pay....if the woman really wants to treat in some way, let her offer to pick up the tab at the Ice cream stand later.
Wow. This really resonated with me. I’ve had to learn that most of the “caring questions” are an emotional trap and if I respond honestly, it’s just a dirty trick to elicit information for the purpose of humiliating me or chastising me.
My experience is that they don’t bother asking, because they really don’t care. You are on your own for emotional support. They don’t support you but they could make it about themself or tear into you for why YOU are the idiot.
@iamjustsaying4787 Yes! The person I dated in 2018 absolutely ghosted me since we were in an LDR. Fast forward to 2020, where covid unfortunately hits all of us. I, at the same token, had to have surgery to remove a cancerous growth, and Docs advised me to have someone drive me and care for me for the next week or so. Surprise surprise when I called and asked if he'd come to WA state just to be with me for 5 days or so? Yep, you guessed it! No! Narcs will never help or be with you unless you have something they want in return. Just remember where they are when you NEED them.
Is it a good idea to chuckle or laugh right into their face, when they escalate? To show them that you see through their narc games? This chuckling might shut them down forever to show them that you're not an easy victim or target!
I had to learn to say no, it was very hard. I was a people pleaser and people took advantage of me being nice and not wanting to fall out with anybody. I was a Scapegoat Child, and as such was conditioned to be compliant and take the blame, this led to attachments to the wrong types of people, Men I Married in particular.
She left me emotionally and financially drained, laughed when her teenage son threatened to slit my throat, let him mistreat my dog without any intervention. I bought the wrong flowers, there’s a lot more it’s death by a thousand paper cuts. I’m not her door mat or whipping post anymore. I’m free. Serenity is mine!
That mask falling is so obvious when they drop that smile. An instant switch in personality. Very creepy. This was super informative, structured, and helpful!
EVIL, Narcissists are EVIL PERSONIFIED on Earth. I'm fully aware of them and their tricks. It took this lifetime to Learn, change and grow myself. God Bless Everyone.
Honestly, just stay away from them. Trust your intuition folks, you'll get the heeby jeebees around these folks, no need to intellectualize why you don't want to be around them. These videos are so dumbed down and click-baity. I didn't learn anything I didn't already know just from living life.
My favorite tactic is when a narcissist requests something and you say "no", and they counter with "why not?" so they can tear apart your reasoning, I just simply state, "I don't owe you an explanation." That really messes with their head.
That's also a Narcissist tool... After reconnecting with a long time Ex (35 years), I ask her for a recipe she had that I really liked. She flat out refused... Sure, at this point I'd helped her out on a few things, but she wasn't willing to reciprocate! I remembered why I'd broken it off with her to begin with. Still wish I had her enchilada sauce recipe though.
I noticed this with a woman I was interested in. If I said I wasn't available on Wednesday, she'd arrange something on Wednesday. If I said I wasn't available on the weekend she'd arrange something for the weekend. She said she wanted to go to Scotland with me but I quickly learned it was because she wanted to visit a friend. When I said come to Devon with me instead. .. tumble weed. Stand strong with the boundaries and they'll get bored very quickly!
My sister did this to me. She lives in NYC and at the time I was in Germany. She was diagnosed with breast cancer and I decided to fly home to support her. I was going to be in NY for about 2 weeks and I told her that there was only one day when I couldn't see her. I'll give you 3 guesses which day she insisted I see her and the first two guesses don't count. That was the beginning of the end of our relationship after years of such nonsense.
It's really easy: Look for an overweening, UNEARNED sense of ENTITLEMENT. You know: that "I DESERVE THE BEST OF EVEYTHING AND YOU'RE HERE TO GIVE IT TO ME!!!!" mentality. When you see that, RUN!
I think this is one of the best comments. Many people ask for time, attention, and energy from their friends and family and not everyone may be on the same page about how much they need to receive and when. Sometimes the boundaries are compromised, and sometimes people realize they have different needs and just disengage. Our human interactions have been so reduced to looking at everything like it is a transaction. The narcissist differs from the average person in that there is a sense that they are automatically going to get access to those resources or that they deserve them somehow without earning them. You can usually sense "assumed access" from pretty early on when meeting someone. I think an even better test than boundaries is to talk to a narcissist about something that doesn't interest them or directly involve them. Talk to them about yourself where they have to center you for a few minutes. Most cannot do it and will change the subject (and they can be charming when doing so), crack a joke, interrupt, "have to go," become rudely visibly bored, or zone out, and you will feel this unearthly sense of being invisible. Try it a few times. If you feel like you have to muscle your own presence into a conversation with them, that's a pretty good indicator.
I prefer to just disengage from narcissist's. It's not worth the emotional energy it takes to constantly have to maintain boundaries when they constantly try to put you in a position to have to explain. Pass. Let them rot alone.
Agreed. It is best to know if they are narcissist first though. That's the purpose for this video. Set a boundary, observe the reaction. Once and done. If narcissistic, move on (no one suggested sticking around a narcissist constantly).
That sentence has been unfairly vilified because a lot of the people saying it don’t mean it. It’s valid and kind to feel bad other people feel bad while maintaining your boundaries and not always doing what other want. It’s just that people who say it don’t mean it at all. They mean too effing bad for your
Mine doesn't reply 'im sorry you feel that way'. I get "what's your problem? "What's the matter with you?" "I only asked you" in a very irritated manner. It makes me feel like a terrible person and I end up apologising for just saying no, like I've spoiled all his fun. 😢
@@M_SC Totally agree, we all have our own feelings about things, so how else are we supposed to acknowledge that someone has feelings about something, but we don't happen to agree with them about it 🤷🏻♀️
And when you don't give in and "help" them with their manufactured "problem/drama", you're immediately smeared to EVERYONE they know for being 'selfish' or 'not caring' etc.
I think my dad is narcissist. He is constantly breaking these boundaries. And it's like "go to ... tomorrow" and he won't ask me or my mom, he will call that person and ask her if we should come. What to do? I'm getting too angry and stressed out because I've got mental health problems and I am stuck with my parents, mom is great but dad is terrible. How to behave with someone like him?
yes! If I say "honey, you left food stuck on the dishes when you washed them." He'll say "Since you don't like how I do it and want to be a whiner, I won't wash dishes for a week and see how you feel about it THEN." He punishes me in order to try to get me to be afraid to criticize what he does. And it's always my fault. No doubt, he did a piss poor job because my shananigans tired him out and he couldn't focus. It'll be some sort of ridiculousness like that. One day he came home and said he had a bad day at work. I calmly said, "it'll be interesting to see the gymnastics you go through to find a reason why it's my fault." He got so mad he gave me the silent treatment for days. THANK GOD.
For me it’s a lack of empathy. If somebody is laughing about someone’s mistake, how they accidentally fall or slip, that to me is a sign of narcissism.
I have a "3 times and you're out" rule. If I catch the person in a falsehood 3 times; hear them denigrate someone else 3 times, or something they say/do makes me uncomfortable (for whatever reason) 3 times, I cut off contact with them immediately. It's awkward sometimes, but so, so much better than being the target of a narcissist.
@viola1980 Ludicrous statement. You need to understand it is not people's fault you cannot see the funny side of ackward situations. I laugh at myself when such a thing happened to me, a fall, a slip with no further consequences. Now to laugh at someone's mistake is plain rude. And again it depends of the situation and how well you know that person. To be able to laugh is a good thing. I do not think narcisists can laugh at themselves nor be able to see the funny side of ackward situations. Are you sure, @viola1980, you are not one of them???
Don't forget that people with adhd interrupt, but will usually be okay with boundaries, but be gentle as years worth of social failures under their belts
People who are genuinely interested and excited about what you're saying will also interrupt because they're actually trying to understand what you're trying to convey (just as students will interrupt a professor to ask questions if they genuinely care about what they're being taught). These interruptions are usually very short, innocent, often for clarification, and usually include an acknowledgment/apology for the interruption; most talkers appreciate this sort of active listening/active attempts to understand. The type of interruptions to look out for are the ones where they're trying to turn the conversation back towards them and their own experiences.
@mermadeofgarbage4005 I guess it's all about weighing up how emotionally available people are before investing too much time into them. Feeling anxiety is a good sign that something isn't right. The details don't really matter- who's at fault and why etc. Some of our core needs aren't being met and it's up to us to decide whether we keep investing in someone
I've had a few narcissists in my life and they DEFINITELY have a very specific "smile" in common. Very forced, fake, phony, and used only to manipulate.
I grew up with two narcissistic parents who were obsessed with the concept of smiling. Their favorite complaint about me is that I don't smile enough; according to them, I should have been smiling and acting as though I won the lotto at all times around them, otherwise I was ungrateful and unappreciative. I hated smiling, and refused to smile for photos for decades (for this reason, and also because when I was in the "tooth fairy" stage of life, they would have held on to any photo of me with a missing tooth like a trophy and used it as their one representation of me forever). Their own smiles, however, were always extremely phony and they hated being called out on it. I learned to see smiling as manipulation from a very young age. My dad died a few years ago, now I barely speak to my mom, and she doesn't know I started smiling in pictures this year. I'm in my late 30s.
@@dekalbI would send her one of those pictures and tell her. This is what a real smile looks like. I have a narc mother too. It has taken me years to see through her. But when you do you feel sorry for their shallow self that she is. But love for her. Sorry. I don't have it. I don't feel it.
I've had a pattern of violating boundaries with friends. I don't always consciously know when I am testing others' limits for selfish reasons. Several years ago, I had made a friend who was very genuine, empathetic, and emotionally mature. The attention of someone who was authentically generous and loving made me feel like I was worthy as their equal. Thankfully, she had experienced enough in life to have the strength to tell me NO, repeatedly call me out for it; and eventually remove me from their life. Losing a connection to the best person in my life is what finally taught me the pain that I had been inflicting on the people I've always needed the most. To all others who have been victimized by conscious and unconscious cruelties, do not accept their apologies. Do not let them finish. Call them out- then leave them behind. It's absolutely the best thing you can do for both of you.
Just realized while listening, however, that people with neurodivergent brains (like ADHD or autism) sometimes initiate these first kinds of behaviors, like interrupting (it's a forebrain structure issue affecting executive functions such as impulsivity or difficulty restraining words or actions) or getting so excited about a topic they don't realize you're engrossed in your tv show, so maybe their timing isn't the best to bring up movies or mountain biking. ADHD people, even as adults, also suffer from Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (can get quite upset that they got criticized yet again, as they get over 18,000 critical remarks from people before age 18 already - their self esteem is horrible by the time they reach adulthood), so if you shut them down unkindly, they may feel hurt. I've taught a lot of these students, and it's embarrassing for them to go through life catching continual flak from people who don't understand why they act this way, as their brains are very different. They may never behave entirely appropriately no matter how hard they've been trying all their lives. So it's super important, folks, to please listen carefully to Meadow's point here, since anyone might behave thoughtlessly but not be a narcissist; the thing to identify what's really going on is notice what happens NEXT. If you say no or that you're busy, in a nice way, to an adult, but they person gets angry or demanding or resentful, That's the red flag. Watch for rage or scorn. A person with a neurodivergent brain (and in fact many with neurotypical brains who grew up with autistic parents) might not realize that "I don't have plans" doesn't mean, "I'm open. I might want to make some plans." That's a subtlety of inference we can't assume everyone will catch. But if you see anger after explaining what you mean, then it's entitlement, the real red flag showing that they feel themselves above you. You should be catering to them, by right, as they see it. They may well be emotionally arrested at age two no matter how intelligent they are intellectually. If you sense entitlement or bullying or superiority in the least, run, do not walk. Things only go downhill from there - no matter how many years you try to love them or work to raise their insight level. NPD is a serious personality disorder, and "all you need is love" doesn't really apply with such folks in my experience. You're in a Disney movie reality thinking about unity and "us" consciousness; meanwhile a narcissist tends to think they're in a Mad Max movie reality where thinking every encounter is a cage fight for the cunning and brutal "me" to win. It's not going to work out. Just realize there are a lot of different brain types these days and ADHD is exploding, so it's actually the entitlement and bullying outlook, the rage at not getting what they want when they want it, which is the signal you may be dealing with a narcissist.
Well said.i have adhd people in my family and although they interrupt and criticize now and then, they do have kind hearts and are generous. It's about the heart. Narcissistic people make everything about them selves. Adhd people are very much understood.
@falconbritt5461 Thank you so much for your wellworded explanation re neurodivergent individuals and the dangers of armchair psychiatry. We could use a lot more of this kind of talk from all the professionals jumping on the current fascination with narcissism. Thank you for your work with students on the spectrum. Thank you for advocating in an intelligent way.
Wow, you really nailed it. This explains me to a T, and I have heard of this before. As a young adult, I remember being accused by a “friend” who accused me of being narcissist, not realizing that my ADHD behaviors were not the same. Your comment is so eloquently written that I’m going to share it with someone so hopefully they can understand me better. Thank you.
That's a good point, and makes sense. Their narcissism prevents them from actually fully growing up. They have no motivation to grow up because they feel they already have it all together.
OMG! I got wise to the fact that my husband is a narcissist a few years ago (we've been together for over 25 years). The very first time we met (a language exchange) for coffee, he forgot his wallet! I didn't know it then, but that is very atypical. I paid for coffee (and he also ordered cake!) Because of your video, I realize he tested me the very first time we met! Great content (sadly too late for me...but, I left him a year and a half ago.)
oh my goodness- the audacity and entitlement is mind-boggling to me. 🤯 I'm glad you chose yourself, your your peace of mind and freedom. Much love to you
@@MiteshDamania I was in a psychosomatic clinic after the death of my son (age 18). I was going through tons of psychological grief. The concept of narcissism kept floating around in other contexts and so I got curious and googled about it (narcissism to me meant people like Trump) and learned about the different forms. When I landed on covert narcissism, I could check all the boxes! It was such an eye-opener! Suddenly everything made sense (first, I tried to make sense of it through cultural differences.,.. he's German, I'm American. By then I was already trauma-bonded. Then I cycled through Napoleon syndrome, through Asperger's, but nothing hit home. Then, I decided that I didn't care. He was an asshole and no matter what I did, it wasn't right. That was huge! I told him I didn't care what he thought or what his opinion was, and I meant it! It started to get better after that. But once I discovered the many faces of narcissism, then I really became armed with the tools to get away! Knowledge is power! But, you can't know until you know! Thanks for asking!
SAME!! Ugh. Finally free after 20 years of marriage. I almost died from the abuse and licked my wounds for years after. I wish I knew then what I know now, but at least I know now and am finally living my best life!
You NEED to get out. It's not a real marriage, it is prison and torture and is killing you slowly. He scammed you. I left my horrible situation and I have my life, health, and sense of well being and joy back.
Tell them "No." Their reaction to it will tell you everything. Best dating advice I ever received. Start small, like refusing a meeting time or place. Actually use the word "No" and don't talk in circles. Then work your way up to bigger things. Don't ever allow yourself in a situation where you are alone with someone who can't deal with the word "No." Let me repeat that. Don't ever allow yourself in a situation where you are alone with someone who can't deal with the word "No."
Often you have to work with them. Their back stabbing, deceitful, fake and always self centred. To make it worst, if your wise to them they know it pretty quick and despise you even more.
I kept getting into relationships with narcissistic personalities, and the last one almost killed me, literally, when I pushed back to protect myself. As a result I've been home bound the last 4 years, afraid that I would invite another one into my life, blaming myself for not being able to spot them before I connected with them. I'm still agoraphobic, and I've had counseling every other week for the last 2 years to try and heal. Not one counselor was able to help me identify why I wasn't able to stop the narcissist from latching on, but THIS video has put a magnifying glass on the narcissist instead of my failings. I cant tell you how important this video is to me. I can now look back and zoom in on those initial days of meeting my ex. I can now see what interactions we had with a clearer understanding. With this specific information I can now understand how I let my guard down. Thank you! I know it will still take time for me not to be afraid to be around people, but having this information in hand when I do gives me hope. Thank you so much! ❤
This ebook will enable you to identify the bad eggs to avoid, and also the good persons to keep www.scientolipedia [dot ] org/w/images/2/27/Ups_and_Downs_.pdf
If you want to miss the waffle and go straight to the crux, fast-forward to 06:38. And a personal tip: if you think you’re dating a Narc, always have a second purse (wallet) with a SMALL amount of money (NO credit/bank cards) in your handbag - hide your real purse/wallet at the bottom of your bag or leave it at home. Then when the Narc says he’s left his wallet at home, YOU say “Oh dear - well, I’ve only got a few pounds with me, sorry - what are we going to do?” (ie play dumb) - so HE will (a) be utterly humiliated in the restaurant and (b) have to sort payment out with the Manager. (His credit card usually is miraculously found when faced with this scenario, trust me!!!).
So narcissistics dont want to pay their own bills when they are with us, is that right? Because I went through that experience, they always act like "sorry, I do not have money". Shame. It is disgusting.
I had a roommate in our student residence who routinely used to suggest going down to the restaurant-bar downstairs to have “death by chocolate” cake (she was German. It would be 4pm). She managed to “forget” her wallet and then “not have change” when we came back up, so often that it became a running joke. She had four people standing at the door chorusing, “Do you have your wallet, Gabrielle?” She had a gigantic poster of a baby’s face that took up most of the wall above her bed. All arranged so that it faced the open door. Yes, it was a picture of herself.
So sensible, learned that with my narc sister years ago she'd always literally run when it came time to pay - supermarket, Cafe, etc. I learned to pay for my share a d simply walk away. Funnily, once returned she wld suddenly find she had the money. These days I keep away from her completely. They are vampires.
A Narc once took me to a car dealership to buy a car. Somehow he thought that I'd buy it for him when he didn't have enough $$. When I didn't take the bait, I think that was the moment I stopped being his "target" and he started seeking revenge on me. If someone pulls something like this on you--pretends not to have the money even for a candy bar--don't take the bait. That's your cue to be unavailable to them forever.
Please listen to what Meadow says. My psychopath (an extreme form of malignant narcissism) ex performed a jarring physical and personal privacy boundary test--and I failed horribly. We went out the first time (we were already working together). When we got back to my house, he barged right past me and quickly went through my whole house, checking every door. I was shocked and uncomfortable. But I did nothing. He quickly told me that he was checking to make sure no one was lurking in my house because he "wanted to make sure I was safe." I should have said, "Thanks, but don't ever do that again. I did not invite you in." Instead, I was caught completely off-guard, mumbled something awkward, and he knew he had me hooked. It turned out really badly over the next 20 years because I had no healthy boundaries whatsoever. And it did cost me my reputation, finances, family, career, and sanity. Complete nightmare.
These people ruin entire lives. Decades of misery and fear inflicted on good decent people. It's been a journey filled with horror and betrayal with the narcissists in my life. Now 64 and only just realising I will NEVER be out of danger. A sobering thought. I feel for you and all the other victims ❤
@@jojo1960uk From what I have seen, through watching many channels on TH-cam dealing with what to watch out for and how to get out, these creatures appear to have much the same playbook. I would suggest helping yourself to as much knowledge as you can, so you can "see them coming a mile off". That way you can use tactics to block their interest in you, and save yourself a lot of misery. They truly are horrid. All the best.
Best comment! Made me laugh so much, I just imagined myself doing that to few narcs I know of. 😂😂 But truly speaking that would probably drive many a bit at unease.
"Say no, then count to 5 in your head." Great advice! Gives me space inside myself to pause and detach from any selfish tactics from the other that may come. Another way I see boundaries - is a border in myself which I refuse to cross over, instead of seeing a boundary as a border I need to fight intruders off from. That slight shift in perspective keeps me from exerting unnecessary energy. Just say no and go! Let the narcissist stay in their own land of insecurity, and refusal of self-reflection. That is not a place I want to visit, let alone reside in. Every tactic they use is to pull you into their land of emptiness. It all comes down to self accountability, and how dedicated we are to our own well being. A narcissist is a great tool to gauge how willing I am to stay true to my own heart, because their whole goal is to pull you away from that.
It is not only the smile, the smirk they give when they have said or done something that has hurted you, which really gets on my nerves like nothing else. Is THAT SHINY, CRUEL LOOK they have on their eyes when they are not acting casual and innocent. That is the real sign from the beginning.
I didn't see it from the beginning. Took me years, and stumbling on a youtube channel dedicated to this information. Then I started to see it. And I'm generally very good at reading people! He got me in my blindspot. Sometimes it's like that.
I am a bit embarrassed to say I have been married almost 40 years. It has never been a happy marriage but I was too busy running my house and raising my children to really address it. What you have described is my husband to the T. I now have my elderly parents living with us, you can just imagine how well that is going. My hope is that when my parents are no longer here I will divorce him. I just can't believe that it took me this long.
They mimic your gestures and studies your habits/routines. Their smiles always slips when you say something they do jot approve, very minute behavior but you'd notice within time. The guy I dated in 2018 first dazzles me with how he "studies" physcholgy and he is an engineer to be clear. Then, after a few months of seeing him, he'd asked if we can move in and "share" rent. Third, 2 times he'd say he forgot his wallet but his wallet is a chain pouch to his car keys, therefore he has his wallet. Those tactics was for him to test my boundaries and how much I'd pay until I'd say something. Also, the 1st time we were intimate was him saying how I had 'stretch marks" or how my scars looked. They will love bomb and then devalue and repeats cycles. Devious creatures are what Narcissts are! Stay clear path from them!
@lindahandley5267 Most of us couldn't either. It saddens me that many of us have had Narc parents/partners, and we just adapt and overcome(Marine Corps). I served in the Marines years ago. But, we do unveil their masks eventually.
@charlottemuller2233 Yep, and it's as if they are chimera that mimics their preys behviors/needs according to what they really WANT. Unfortunately, many of us find out a little too late.
I read that phony narcissistic males who love bomb ( condense 6 months of dating into 6 days or 6 weeks) to get what they want from you, csn only sustain love bombing for about 5 months give or take. Female gold digging narcissist love bombers can only sustain their efforts for 3 months, give or take. So, you just have to outlast them. No physical intimacy during that time. Personally, I don't think it's worth wasting one day on them. Their motives are very clear from the beginning.
I appreciate how you give clear examples. Most channels just deal with general principles. As the daughter of a narcissist, I really need those tools to protect myself, so thank you for that.
In my chaotic world, respect is everything. I respect someone as long as they respect me. That's the boundary: either I walk away (flight) or I change the situation (fight).
Our 4 cats are all narcissists. They test me to yield all my boundaries and meet their immediate attention demands. Granted, they do produce a purr when I lavish undo attention (scratch ears rub belly) then, eventually, they become bored and scamper off….until they require another supply!
@@susanmercurio1060 fair point, thanks for caring about my use of words. I should have run it through my editor. Point is: lots-o-ttention. My business partner is a raging narcissist. I finally did some research and figured it out. No attention let alone ‘undue’ attention for him. Anyone willing to dissect my sentences and give me grammar advice?
@@suzy7773 Exactly! They do it very subtly, but Empaths like us can feel and sense it, that's why they do it. They are a-hole humans (my brothers are narcs).
I so fervently wish I had been able to watch this video when I was 15 years old. Many thanks for helping the current generation to avoid the traps which so many of my generation fell into. warmest regards, Karen
An ex female friend pushed boundaries on an extreme level, she would act like a child and jump all over me even out in public.. she was a totally repressed child in an adult body, it was sad and scary to watch.. I obviously ended the friendship but she lost the plot and had some choice words(which I ignored) and I walked away quietly and NEVER EVER LOOKED BACK.
I had one like that too. She actually stamped her foot like a toddler when I told her I didn’t want to attend some kind of social engagement she wanted me to join her in.
Do what serves your needs not theirs. Shut anyone down who makes you uncomfortable...for any reason. It's about how YOU feel, not them ! You owe nobody explanations!
Give in to their pressure temporarily and watch for the small crafty smile. Another tell is the narcissist will often be intently studying someone in the room when they don’t think others are looking.
My sister makes this smirk all the time. She has delusions of grandeur, for sure. I cringe when I see her do it, because it's so effing brutal. She hates it when others have talent, brains, beauty, something interesting to say to others, etc. She always has to reign superior. So....those people get her smirk.
I’ve come to smirk internally when I see the smirk, because I’ve figured them out. Haha, got you, narcissist. It would be different for you because it’s your sister not a new person, but perhaps you can try to adopt this mindset a little. Create a mental bingo card of narc things and always get it out (mentally) and play during every interaction. The distance will serve you.
Also.. how did he get into your house on the first date? Boundaries & standards is key. Narc already targeted/groomed you if hes in your house on 1st date...🤔
I guess just like me you are here also trying to learn something because you likely went through something similar. How sad that you use your time to mock someone sharing their experience in a community of empathetic people. To answer your question if you read my answer it was not the first, it was one of our first dates and just like every other victims I didn't know people like that existed. Thank you for your comment and good luck with your healing.
Oh Yes! I sure did! Narc survivor here just wanted to respond with an apology. My comment was not to mock you. I was trying to point out how fast & aggressive they are. Literally getting into your home. They need to study you to trap you. So the fact that this guy got so close and was already damaging your couch is very telling! One of the things they do to groom you is to covertly destroy the things you love that you had before you met them. Slowly erasing your identity and comfort. Mine destroyed my personal paintings antique furniture and I caught him taking my old memory cards erasing pictures! Also he might have jealous of your home so he " messed up your couch" like a jealous friend who spills a drink on your dress. As far as healing I now run a herb sanctuary and ministry to support others. So sorry I triggered you sis! ❤️
Its ok.. thank you for coming back and explain, i guess i got triggered and i just dont know what to do with these memories. It still shocks me that every memory i had was not real... but worst, the only thing real was the attack to my soul. I feel violated in so many levels. Im sorry you had to go through that too. 🥺
Wow this is absolutely phenomenal. You used a key phrase in this “getting their needs met.” My narcissist ex-wife would constantly say “I Always Get My Needs Met.”
Great advice! I practice this with my kids as well. They need to know that my time is not their time to waste. That they cannot make demands from me at whim and fancy. People are trained from childhood to feel ENTITLED to other people's time.
In a way it’s great cause you can do the “blood in the water” test. Bring up something “sad” or vulnerable that’s not actually that vulnerable and watch how they react. If they smirk or use it against you - you know they are a shark.
At the advanced age of 55 i became aware & studied: narcissism, gaslighting, projection, psychopathy/sociopathy. Better late than never. Thank you so much, Meadow, for that primer! Accurate and well illustrated.
@@robertahardy2295 yeah. Despite the fact he boosted about having so many friends and celebrity friends at that, I knew he had no one. He would slip in and out of depression and loneliness. Yeah, I should said: why don't you ask your celebrity friend? 😁👍
My mother in law is a narcissist and does ALL of this and more. She regularly talks over (almost exclusively me) when I'm talking to my husband or children. She also goes through my things when she's over. She will go through my purse, my underwear drawer, even use my cosmetics without asking (like lipliner and eyeliner!). When I first met her and she did all of this I said to my husband "your mother has an issue with boundaries." And he agreed. I wish I knew then what I knew now.
I uninvited my mother in law to our wedding because she would do shit like this too. What was the final straw was when my dad had cancer she stole my adhd medication. When I needed them. I had to buy my dad diapers and take care of my dad. So I uninvited her. After that my mother in law and my sister in law started sending me threats of violence. I’m being dead serious.
Stealing medicines out of anyone’s medicine cabinet (adhd medicine= amphetamines) is a classic and common symptom of a real addict, which should not be conflated with narcissism. Not to say that she’s not also a narcissist but if you’re dealing with an addict or alcoholic you’d serve yourself well to recognize that for exactly what it is. Kudos to you for taking direct action.
When I first met my narc mother in law she literally poked my belly, commented on my weight, then informed my husband "well she is an improvement over the last one". Cold cold cruel woman who passed all those traits and more to her son. It's such a DISEASE!
@@YomommazDaGame wow!! I am so sorry! That is evil what she did. (And the threats) I always wonder how woman like this raise good sons! I'm also sorry to hear about your dad.😔
I have to do this with my ex husband. His face and body language show that he’s looking for new manipulation tactics. He’s trained himself to say no problem but his body language tells on him.
Very valuable info. I have a new business acquaintance that likes to call in the evening around my dinner time. I told him that I have dinner at such time and settle in for the evening and watch TV shows. Sure enough, he calls at least once a week at my dinner time. I just do not answer the phone. I text him the next day and ask what he needs. He responds with "nothing, just wanted to chat." I reinforce that I am not available at that time to chat. Maybe the dinner time calls will stop soon.
I knew someone who I suspect was bipolar. She would repeatedly call me at 12:00 and 1:00+ in the morning on a work night, just chatty as can be. In spite of my repeated tactful requests to stop, and reminding her that I had to get up in the morning, she continued. I just ignored the subsequent calls and let them go to voicemail and she would leave me a 5+ minute long message. I erased them and did not call her back. She finally went away.
I just block people like that. If I want to hear from them sometimes, I’ll unblock them then. But I have a semi-friend who ignores that I have repeatedly said I do not use social media like FB, insta, and the clock sound one, and others (hate them so much don’t even like writing their names). Knowing I have insomnia, she thinks that’s an open invite to send dozens of links to them 24/7. Often they are on topics in which she knows I have zero interest, or she thinks I have more interest than I do, regardless of what I’ve told her. It’s like she downloads her every thought. One time, and there have been similar times, she sent 96 texts in under 2 hours. So, she’s usually blocked. She’s blocked right now, actually. There are times when we can get along, and can have some mutually useful interactions, but she seems more like she is clueless than a narcissist, though she has had random fits of irrational rage on just any random point. One example was she likes to brake at the very last second when coming to stoplight. She’s a tailgater. She zooms right up to their bumper. I drive fast, but never crowd the car in front of me, and keep a good distance. I’ve naturally flinched when she’s come 6” from the bumper in front of her, and she screamed and pounded her fists in everything that I needed to not react because it made it “unsafe” for her. She screamed she needed to focus, and “drive safely so her braking wouldn’t throw her dog (who rides loose in the car) wouldn’t go through the window”. I told her I totally agree, she should absolutely drive safely and brake even sooner (like 50’-100’ sooner, she’s going so fast and brake-checking herself, imo toying with other’s lives), so she wouldn’t have to brake so hard. Her screaming fit was arguing for my point of view, but in her mind, somehow braking earlier would endanger her dog, I just let such people act foolishly, like watching a play. They’re all actors to me, and I minimize or end contact for good for such types. I would suggest people just see any personality disorder in that light, and not ever take things personally, nor adjust to calm them, except to deescalate dangerous situations, I don’t mind doing that in the moment. I can do it without pandering to their demands. I don’t care about insults, I’m self assured, I know my flaws and don’t dismiss them, but such people aren’t actually attacking a flaw, but usually a strength. That’s another clue. They attack strengths and see them as flaws, or pretend to. She also once threw another fit (they’re very rare over years of knowing this person, so I see it as having a very weak moment), because I won’t gossip, I will always say it’s none of my business, and I’ve better things to put into my mind, I truly do not want to know the personal business of others, in fact, I tell people I want to not-know, I want to be free of such knowledge), and wouldn’t take her side about 2 people she insisted on talking about, wouldn’t condemn their actions, as they were both grownups and the issue was clearly just cleanly, only between the two of them, and did not involve additional innocent parties, and she screamed and hurled insults (because she did have a viewpoint, an irrational one in my view, and she thought that minding my own business and not condemning as she was was a bad thing), all of which I found amusing, and she ran off, and didn’t make contact for a few years, which was OK with me. I don’t hang out with drama queens of either sex. Turns out she had a mental breakdown, and went into an inpatient rehab. I could have guessed she would. She does push people’s boundaries often, but she usually just goes away without throwing a fit, and moves on to doing what she can do. Needless to say, she does most things alone, and can’t figure out why people won’t do things with her. She’s mused in the past that perhaps it’s because she meddles, and I said yes, I think that does play a large role (I’m a bluntly honest person, no false compliments, I mean what I say, either way. You always know where you stand with me). I would encourage others to absolutely temporarily block those with whom you sometimes do need to interact. Turn off your phone, or block certain people in your down time, and don’t apologize. Be unavailable. It’s good to be unavailable for people, they need to learn self-reliance, and at the very least, boundaries. If you forget to unblock them, set an alarm or two on your phone to unblock people when it’s time. Don’t tell people you do this. Don’t explain, don’t give reasons. When you give reasons, you tell people they have voting rights on your choices. Friends don’t need explanations, and enemies will never understand. It’s some of the best advice I ever took.
@@fightinfetus I try to focus on faults I have, you can not fix anyone else. I would not get into a car (the second time) with someone I felt was an unsafe driver. I would tell them "I feel unsafe with your driving" then silence; let them chew on it. When they try and justify their actions, walk away. Being an "acquaintance" does not make someone a "friend". A friend is someone you share things in common with, someone that fits into your life, let's you live your life as you see fit but will be there, without you asking, when you are in need. If you see yourself choosing bad friends, that is an area you need to work on yourself......
Sounds like every human being in this world, because everybody need time, energy and everybody searches for your boundaries. That is why humans have relationship.
Big difference between building relationships and being manipulated by a narcissist. One (narcissist is needy, and disrespectful to boundaries) and Two (normal people need companionship, but understand if you're not available).
55 years with a narcissist but back in my day we, the general public, hadn’t heard that word or especially gaslighting. Too late for me. There is no validation unless I ask ( I am an artist and musician) and never any affection and I can never be right. I have always thought it is about how he was raised (he got the brunt of an alcoholic father and now I know, a narcissist mother) so I have learned not to expect what he cannot give. He has never been abusive, lets me do what I want, and gets me things I physically need. Just devoid of empathy, affection and affirmation that because of my childhood I so desperately needed. He played a good game at the beginning and the problems started pretty much after four children arrived and he was not the center of attention. He has been good to the children and grandchildren. As he would say, “such is life!”
Virtual hug. You are practicing what dr ramani (another great TH-cam channel about narcissists) calls radical acceptance which is necessary to survive.
Not to discredit anything else, but specifically with regard to "There is no validation unless I ask ( I am an artist and musician)" - Though I'm much younger I've found the last verse of Chapter 77 of the Tao Te Ching healthy/useful with respect to the internal struggles that may come from seeking/pursuing artistic validation/affirmation: "Therefore, the sage acts without taking credit. He accomplishes without dwelling on it. He does not want to display his worth."
Keep a journal or diary. Date, What happened, Why it's important. Who is involved. For the journal/diary, just the facts. (Otherwise, the writing can get long and draining in itself.) And, there are better jobs for you:)
@@websurfer5772 Jesus is the way, the truth and the life. I pray that He will create a desire in you to know Him. There is nothing better in this world than having a personal relationship with Him. He really is love and love heals all.
Great information. I replay interactions I have with people in my memory and see the narcissist tactics used. Not reacting to their foolishness and calmly repeating my boundaries and not letting them shift the frame of the issue / confrontation when they are intentionally being provocative and emotional has worked so well. They try so hard to be the power victim / cry bully. I can see their disappointment when they can see I won't play their game(s). Their body will often times just deflate as I calmly pick their manipulation games apart.
Sound of self-righteous personality , sure its not as blatant as a narcissistic personality but it also comes with either a empath or echoist mix personality.
I found some of these suggestions a little odd as well. The problem is that everyone has an occasional bad day and can exhibit narcissistic traits but they shouldn't be persistent or consistently pushing boundaries. I have been stuck without my wallet before and needed a friend to cover me, also I am not bothered covering someone else.... But how you ask and offer gratitude and repayment say A LOT more than occasional awkward stuff like that
The "acting confused" thing is particularly insidious - they do something that has hurt you, and pain by definition drains your energy... then they pretend to be confused as to what they did, or why you're reacting the way you are, which is a demand for you to explain yourself; explaining yourself means defending yourself. When they act confused, it is an accusation that you are in fact hurting them. This puts you in the position instantly of either having to expend more energy explaining to someone who is feigning ignorance, or surrendering to their proclamation that your reaction is something you have inflicted upon them.
I didn’t know that smirk was universal, I’ve seen it three times. These people are definitely not right in the head. It’s pathetic that someone sets their goals low.
Brilliant analysis! I had the misfortune of working with an extreme narcissist. My gut reaction to her when I met her was wariness. Before long, I realised that she always asked things of me, both in and out of work. Once I figured out that I had to keep saying no to her demands, things escalated and she did everything possible to undermine me. It was the most unpleasant experience of my life (and I’m sure she would be delighted to know that). That said, I learned a lot from it. Your take on NPD is bang on!
My whole family (all my siblings significantly older than me): "You're a horrible, lazy child/sister/daughter for not helping me/him/her with X, Y or Z! You should be ashamed of yourself! I'm gonna remember this!" Meanwhile, they won't ever ask you honestly, face to face, for any assistance. They might hint or manipulate at times instead. But if you don't provide it, they will quickly make you feel like sh¡t for it. I guess I was supposed to read their minds as well...
Families like this steam roll all over one's boundaries, makes it challenging to see how to construct healthy boundaries as an adult. That's why we tend to find more narcs along the way the whole time ... big learning process; awareness and knowledge are key.
I think a lot of people are just overqualifiying people to be narccicists. I usually do not ask for help because I´m a perfectionist and I want to be able to handle things, but I do want help actually. And usually I get frustrated and might end in an attitude as you pointed. I think people are just calling out everyone as narccicists If they show some less sophisticated and healthier way to treat things. That could be just immaturity, and not really the desire to make harm.
They want your suffering ultimately. It's the suffering of robbing you of your autonomy that motivates them. The supply is your suffering, turmoil, confusion etc. The power it gives them over you feeds their god complex.
This is really very good description of the subtle dynamics re. boundaries and abuse. As well as being practical -- far superior to other counselling vids online. Fantastic, really. Thank you SO much.
There is a quick way..... Ask them a question about themselves and let them go😮😮. They will brag in every sentence. They may also start telling stories that make them victims. They have a childish charm!
It's all a cover for being lazy losers who don t wanna work, settle or have any commitments in their lives cause that s too much pain. The secret tho is yes it's pain unless you have loved ones around you that you see at least it's worth it. But they have that they can charm anyone but they don t want anything than validation from it and then they looking for others and more because they are never satisfied with anything or anyone
One more thing I am certain the people who kiss their ass know all about their bad flaws and nature but they keep going to them because: the narcissist is charming and fun, can arrange parties, can attract more people, things their friends can't do on their own because they lack social confidence or initiative, plus I am certain some of them sadistically enjoy seeing how the narc bringing nice, loving, positive, good spirited people and being humiliated in front of their friends, because these friends are miserable themselves, they will literally do nothing about it and will watch you suffer in silence, if you even dare 'disturb' the status quo by coming forth and questioning everything and everyone they are acting all so 'bothered' like who are you who do you think you are to make them have any empathy or effort... nah . Shitty people i hate them next time I see one approach me I will let them know I already see they full of it. No benefit of doubt, no believing in goodness and decency until proven wrong. NO!!!
Another thing my husband does is complain if I am watching something on my tablet. Saying that is why nothing gets done around her. Then he goes in the living room to watch something on his phone for two hours.
If it's something you feel strongly about and want their support, they may just shrug and become quiet unless it is in line with a shared goal, acting like you're speaking a foreign language. If you act uninterested in what they want they make you feel bad about it. What they want is much more important than what you want.
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This is great information. I grew up with all these tactics used.by my parents and sibling. I now recognize them immediately in other people, but I never know how to respond. I get angry. Then I feel badly for acting this way. Not feeling badly for the person so much as feeling badly for myself; my own inner peace.
I actually caught this look on video from a lady I recently started dating. @meadowdevor is spot on with this.
Their distraction tactics on you are non stop relentlous! Escalating is exhausting!
What about Teaching the Bible to inpatients?
What about Teaching the Bible to inpatients?
The smirk after they insult, hurt, one up, anger you. Just watch.
That smirk. That goddmned self-satisfied cruel I just insulted you to your dumb face and you're too stupid to realize it and I got away w it because you're stupid and I'm smart you're weak and I'm can make you do whatever I want mirthless smirk. I got to where I could 'hear' it in texts; in hindsight anyhow, because it took me so long to understand the insults, the passive aggressive blows, insinuations, implications, and even the outright threats of infidelity and other things followed by an lol when there was NOTHING to lo-fucking-l about. Wrote it off as a number of things but once I knew what it was it was a dead giveaway of mal intent. Who's laughing now bastard?
It's the bitch giggle. The one that you're supposed to smile along with after they do something nasty the giggle.
@@user-cv5qe5by1r had I let him know I'd seen it, he'd have denied, flipped, blamed, deflected, got angry...the usual suspects.
Followed by 'I was only joking!' Or 'joke"
Jokes on you narcissist alone now and living with your mum at the age of 54😂😂😂
@crispycritter143 Wow, she’s a narc for sure. I understand. Hope you’re getting healing and truth.
Best advice: Don't share your wins, your loses, or your dreams.
They are not interested in your dreams.
Good advice. Thank you for reminding. (I've learned to keep my in secret - the hard way, but still.... I learned.)
@@MarySSpeer Oh, you'd be surprised.
@@amberleaf7 They key is to not let yourself be caught up to have secrets in life.
Especially your dreams because they don’t want you happy. They want you to be miserable because they’re so f-ing jealous.. How sad when it’s your family 😢
I saw a great strategy once. I went out to a diner with 2 other people after a workshop. I had eaten a LOT earliet, so I just accompanied them for the conversation, and did not order anything. When the bill came, one person said he suddenly couldnt find his wallet. The other person got up and went to the register to ask for a separate check. She came back saying, "OH wow! what are you going to do? My bill is paid. I only had 15 dollars on my debit card, which is why i only ordered 12 dollars (plus tip) worth of food." When the missing-wallet guy turned to me to pay, I followed suit saying, "I brought NO money, which is why I didnt eat." Shortly after, the missing-wallet person suddenly "found" a surprise billfold in his jacket pocket. The two of us have avoided him ever since.
All I can say what an awful group you all are. Why would you eat before dinner and go to gloat at other people’s attitudes when your own is nothing to be proud of?!
Awesome example!!
That's an asshole
But how are you gonna know if he really not dropped it somewhere? If he is a long term friend of mine I would pay it.
Ooh ouch. Glad you guys stayed strong.
If I suspect a new friend/acquaintance is a narcissist, I will say something nice about someone else during our convo and see if they get visibly jealous and go silent. Kind, genuine people like to hear pleasant things about others, or at least don't get angry
I noticed this with a new “friend”, I saw the black eyes and my quiet whisper that there was something “off” about became a foghorn.
Great idea. Though they can pretend for a while.
I’m going to try that. I recently met a person who I thought may be nice to get to know. She criticized someone twice and another once. Im distancing myself from her and grey rocking her.
@@blgallaswhat is “grey rocking” mean, if you wouldn’t mind explaining.
Good advice. Thank you!
After 25 years married to a covert narcissistic, all I can say is that I can smell them a mile away. My first two dates after my divorce was a guy who pulled the misplaced wallet stunt. The next would ask me an open ended question and every time I tried answer, he would cut me off and talk over me. I kicked both to the curb fast. I'm better off and happier alone.
Good for you girl. I'm still married to one but have been separated for three years now, and raised three kids. She is not the common narcissist that is talk about, but has all the symptoms but is totally self-sufficient, has no need to depend on anyone else. I still love her, but can not live with her. Like you, she has taught me very well. About 25yrs of schooling, but the peace that I feel each day now, is amazing.
❤❤
So let's get this straight..You were MARRIED to a "Narcissist" for TWENTY FIVE YEARS... Yet you are now past your prime (Men look for looks and fertility..They are the two primaries a woman has to offer a man) and any potential dates "Lucky" enough to date you have to walk on eggshells and the FIRST mistake they get kicked to the curb... Hmmm
Yes, get yourself a yappy little dog and some pet cats... They will love you "Unconditionally"
Do you have the hacked-off lesbian haircut yet or is that in the pipeline?
Coverts don’t always smirk but They give likable comments around other people then they disconnect and give back handed comments at home
@@alyssah8756 They insult you and smile or act like they did something fabulously clever.
You don't need to label them. If they're not treating you right, leave. Even if they're not a narcissist, leave.
If you have shaky self confidence and have trouble maintaining boundaries, you may not realize right away that you're being mistreated. I lived with someone for 11 years and after the first 2 years, my "partner" very gradually started to show his true self. Unfortunately, I kept blaming myself for how unhappy I felt. When I finally suggested couples therapy, he got very angry and said he'd only go if I paid for it. We didn't go, and I know now, it wouldn't have helped. When I started to feel suicidal, and tried talking to him about it, he replied, "Well, I'm perfectly happy with MY little life." Clearly, I wasn't part of his little life, other than my financial contributions and as an accessory that made him look normal to other people. I did find myself a therapist and she helped me see what had been draining me for so many years. It was just at the point that I was going to ask him to leave (it was my apartment, originally), that I woke up having a heart attack. I had heart surgery and it took me a year to recover. During that time, he began grooming his Plan B. When I began speaking up and there were consequences for his abusive behavior, he announced he had "met someone", and he was gone in a few weeks. Had I understood that there are covert, church going, nice guy narcissists who can tell you everyday that they love you, and bring you flowers on random occasions, but all the while feel contempt for you, lie about everything, use you for their financial benefit and suck the life energy out of you, I would maybe have been fooled for those first two years, but not for the next 8. So, I agree with you in general, but knowing that I had fallen into the web of a narcissist, that label finally allowed me to free myself. And I continue to work on the aspects of myself that allowed someone to take over my life.
Extremely wise, there's so many personality disorders and other things it's a minefield to diagnose and serves no purpose really anyway - if it feels off it's off. Get out. The right person won't have you playing mind games, they'll be an open book and you'll happily grow together. Never settle for anything less than total happiness.
I really wish I’d left 20 years ago. Now I have no family or friends. 😢
As someone raised by an N, it was difficult to know that someone wasn't treating me right. I was raised to focus on others' needs and not my own. Basically, I respected boundaries and had none for myself.
It can be so subtle, like a poison that isn't that obvious -- because your upbringing made you codependent, etc. In this case, labeling and understanding this whole phenomenon is actually helpful, and might be the only thing to breaking free. Awareness, clarity, right action, freedom.
The problem is that we usually don't know what a narcissist is until it is too late.
We all need to learn and help others
Isn't that the truth!
Exactly that’s what happened to me
It's a learned thing. Once you get it you should never be manipulated by one again. Painfully, we don't always get it first time around. I grew up with a narc mother and went through two relationships with narcs until it clicked that something as going on, because I heard about gaslighting abd finally said 'hold on'. A lot of painful therapy and learning later I'm pretty much bullet proof.
Not anymore
The word “NO” is a complete sentence.
They hate that. They really hate that lol.
In case they want more ‘words’ try; ‘that doesn’t work for me’ to everything they say.
I've been practicing with a friend on how to say no without explanations,
Hopefully I'll get strong enough to be able to do this with my narcissist
My response which part of No don't you understand the N or the O
And sometimes the hardest one to say.
As a martial arts instructor for many years as well as a teacher of self defense for women seminars, I just wanted to point something out about Ms. DeVor's description of narcissistic manipulation. One of the signs of impending predatory attack is a stranger who steps over your personal boundaries. And then shames you if you try to say no and then gaslights you if you continue to say no. For instance a stranger accidentally "on purpose" runs into you outside your apartment building causing you to spill your groceries. Immediately he begins running around picking up your spilled groceries. You tell him no, that's not necessary because something inside of you feels uneasy about this incident. It is this initial sense of uneasiness that you should honor. There is an instinct inside of you that has unconsciously picked up on something that is signalling you to be wary. And he says, it's no problem, really and continues to pick up the groceries even though you have already told him no. He has ALREADY crossed your boundaries and you don't even know him. Once your groceries are picked up, he says well the least I can do is help you carry these groceries up the steps. Once again you say no, that's not necessary. He then shames you. Come on, are you going to be mean to me when I'm just trying to be nice? If you fall for this, he'll walk you up the steps, now he says well now that I'm here, I might as well hold the groceries while you unlock the door to the apartment building. You, just trying to prove now that you're not "mean", apologize and say to him, please understand that the city isn't safe and I'd rather not unlock my door if you don't mind. Then he gaslights you. Come on "little lady", he says. You're sounding a little paranoid now.... I hope you see where this scenario is leading. This is a true story and the woman was horribly victimized by a sexual predator. She barely escaped with her life. If you want to learn more about fending off these scenarios I highly recommend the book "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin De Becker which is where I first learned of this particular incident. Please stay safe by honoring your boundaries, your own instincts and making wise decisions.
I recommend "The Gift of Fear" to my friends, and especially to their daughters who are leaving home for college or work for the first time.
this person is a moron
Women are just as often narcissists as are men, playing manipulative games, taking more than they give, gloating over and reveling in what they steal from any man. My adoptive mother was a child molester/rapist, whom I barely survived, and whom everyone called a "wonderful woman."
As a space marine, neurosurgeon, architect, author of the best selling psychiatry book ever, astronaut and a professional connoisseur of the YT comment section, I can definitely say, that no one cares what you put in front of your wall of text, especially when it makes no sense whatsoever, like in your case. It doesn't give you any authority. It only detects a narcissist.
You should be making your own videos, that was fab info ... Thanks😊
The scary thing I realized about this is - if our parents are narcissists, they don't test our boundaries. They create them. And uncreating them makes you a warrior.
So true. 💯
Stay strong
The Narkys that I've encountered in the world...mostly have been small potatoes, compared to the hidden layers of damage that continue to surface...thanks to my Narky Family Of Origin
Same with brown children
If your parents are narcissists, they won't let you make boundaries to begin with. They won't even teach you the word boundary and what it means, because you're supposed to be their toadie and they don't want you to turn anyone else down for any reason either
The inappropriate little smile is key. They cannot hide it. It comes when you disclose something that hurt you. Their inner joy for your pain is revealed in that moment. Remember it whenever you think you may have misjudged them. You didn't.
💯
Oh yes, true
@@JerBlackmer You are right about that. There is much more and at the same time much less to them. They have a complicated existence of hating themselves yet transferring that self loathing towards others in a thinly veiled false believe that everyone else is to blame for their unhappy existence. I say much less because they lack the full array of emotions that a complete human being has; Empathy, Emotional Intimacy, Self-Regulation, Shame and Self-Reflection, Nostalgia and Sentimental Attachment. That last one might be new to some, but it's there. Narcissists likely do not experience the same sentimental attachment to memories, people, or shared experiences that others do. This can make it easier for them to discard relationships.
It is for these reasons I believe a narcissist should be pitied, not hated. They cannot change, but then again they don't want to.
@@JerBlackmer
Yes, narcissists often disagree without offering alternatives, which can be a deliberate tactic to confuse others and maintain control in conversations. This behavior stems from several aspects of narcissistic personality:
Contrarian Nature being the primary one in which the narcissists frequently disagree simply for the sake of disagreement. They think it demonstrates their self-perceived superiority and they relish the thought of creating confusion or frustration in others. Of course it is easy to spot.
Reminded me my ex’s father’s wife when she first time met me. She said WITH A SMILE that she heard my late pet died.I barely held my self from starting crying. And 1 hour later she said their dog is the most important person in their household so they had to cancel their vacation. So my pain caused a smile in her! As long as it’s not her pain! Now as I recall it seems WEIRD(!). Thank you for drawing my attention to the important details.
Crazy how it feels like we are all talking about the same person...
Don’t be so quick to take someone to your home.
They tell on themselves the moment they invite themselves over to your house right after meeting you! Don’t do it!!
@@Tadv777they want to move in LMFAO
@@sparkle1949I rarely have anyone over. I find you don’t need a mansion for people to be jealous. It doesn’t take much these days 😂
These first 2 comments......Spot On. They lead parasitic lives. Ruuunn as fast as you can when you see those red flags. Save yourself.
@sparkle1949 The jealousy for wealth is unbelievable. I'm down sizing due to it. Can't take anymore hate. I would rather hide my wealth now.
Watch their face when they see you still shine after they put you through hell
Living well is indeed the best revenge.
And even if you do stumble or fail, never look back or go back to them. Narcissists may get some senses of satisfaction to see you fail, but when you still continue your own path and don't have any intent on returning, they will inevitably get frustrated. Because that is their end goal, to have you come back to them, and to be able to control and manipulate you again.
Not to mention, your willingly walking away and never going back may invoke them to be somewhat self-conscious and realize what type of person they really are. Because unless they see it for themselves, no one can help them realize their own narcissism and toxicity.
The BEST revenge us live your best life.
Ha. That's short-lived. If they're still enough in your life that you can see their face, they're still targeting you. Cut off all contact and forget about them.
They won't stop until they break you down and ruin your life. After years of that kind of treatment it gets harder and harder to cope with it. You can't beat them. Just leave and don't look back.
When I go out with someone, I always drive separately and ask for separate checks. Then if he wants to pick mine up, fine, but if he says he doesn't have his wallet, I just say "That's too bad. I have enough to cover mine, but not both." Then I pay my bill, say "I'm sure you can work something out with the manager," and leave.
The fact that this happens enough that you have planned for it is....I just don't understand how people are so awful.
There is the Who asked whom etiquette to consider in this case. Unless otherwise arranged, the default is that whomever did the asking/planning is the host and therefore the one who pays. This is particularly true on a first date. A buddy/hangout situation is different but that needs to be very clear from the get go.
@@Snipergoat1nonsense
On a date with a real man and a real woman.....the man pays the bill. The man gets the door(s), the man is a gentleman, and the man needs to pay....if the woman really wants to treat in some way, let her offer to pick up the tab at the Ice cream stand later.
@@ralphey8189well said. Totally agree.
When they see you are in distress and ask how you are feeling so they can tell you that your feelings are ridiculous.
Like my ex Trent
Wow. This really resonated with me. I’ve had to learn that most of the “caring questions” are an emotional trap and if I respond honestly, it’s just a dirty trick to elicit information for the purpose of humiliating me or chastising me.
☝💯❗👏👏👏
My experience is that they don’t bother asking, because they really don’t care. You are on your own for emotional support. They don’t support you but they could make it about themself or tear into you for why YOU are the idiot.
@iamjustsaying4787 Yes! The person I dated in 2018 absolutely ghosted me since we were in an LDR. Fast forward to 2020, where covid unfortunately hits all of us. I, at the same token, had to have surgery to remove a cancerous growth, and Docs advised me to have someone drive me and care for me for the next week or so.
Surprise surprise when I called and asked if he'd come to WA state just to be with me for 5 days or so?
Yep, you guessed it! No! Narcs will never help or be with you unless you have something they want in return.
Just remember where they are when you NEED them.
Learning to say no was the best thing I ever did for myself.
Because what you've done is massive.
Is it a good idea to chuckle or laugh right into their face, when they escalate? To show them that you see through their narc games? This chuckling might shut them down forever to show them that you're not an easy victim or target!
I had to learn to say no, it was very hard. I was a people pleaser and people took advantage of me being nice and not wanting to fall out with anybody. I was a Scapegoat Child, and as such was conditioned to be compliant and take the blame, this led to attachments to the wrong types of people, Men I Married in particular.
@@stellap7624 Even when somebody does you wrong, you feel like you somehow caused it, right? That's how I still feel at 48.
Nice.
She left me emotionally and financially drained, laughed when her teenage son threatened to slit my throat, let him mistreat my dog without any intervention. I bought the wrong flowers, there’s a lot more it’s death by a thousand paper cuts. I’m not her door mat or whipping post anymore. I’m free. Serenity is mine!
👍
That relieves me for you!
...and it's so liberating when you finally get out of that sticky cob-web!
I bet you thought she was pretty and charming, when you met her... I hope you recover completely!
Holy crap, your life is in danger. Yes, by all means, run.
That mask falling is so obvious when they drop that smile. An instant switch in personality. Very creepy. This was super informative, structured, and helpful!
I saw it and it took me totally by surprise. Now when someone is nice to me, it makes me suspicious.
@@carennorthcutt7724 ? What is 'Me-again'. I'm sorry, I don't understand that statement.
Is there a pill for that, there's a pill for just about everything else or a jab😂
JustMe-ty2rp, I think she means Megan (M.) in reference to the dropped smile
EVIL, Narcissists are EVIL PERSONIFIED on Earth. I'm fully aware of them and their tricks. It took this lifetime to Learn, change and grow myself. God Bless Everyone.
In other words, narcissists are energy vampires.
We at work used to call them "negative energy vortexes"
Time and money vampires also.
yes.
Emotional Vampires, if you go by What We Do In the Shadows Lore
Honestly, just stay away from them. Trust your intuition folks, you'll get the heeby jeebees around these folks, no need to intellectualize why you don't want to be around them. These videos are so dumbed down and click-baity. I didn't learn anything I didn't already know just from living life.
My favorite tactic is when a narcissist requests something and you say "no", and they counter with "why not?" so they can tear apart your reasoning, I just simply state, "I don't owe you an explanation." That really messes with their head.
✌🏻✌🏻✌🏻✌🏻
That's also a Narcissist tool... After reconnecting with a long time Ex (35 years), I ask her for a recipe she had that I really liked. She flat out refused... Sure, at this point I'd helped her out on a few things, but she wasn't willing to reciprocate! I remembered why I'd broken it off with her to begin with. Still wish I had her enchilada sauce recipe though.
I really liked "I don't owe you an explanation!"
@@davidowens1675 I think a reasonable alternative would be, "I don't think you'd understand!"
or it could just be a conversation?
I noticed this with a woman I was interested in. If I said I wasn't available on Wednesday, she'd arrange something on Wednesday. If I said I wasn't available on the weekend she'd arrange something for the weekend. She said she wanted to go to Scotland with me but I quickly learned it was because she wanted to visit a friend. When I said come to Devon with me instead. .. tumble weed. Stand strong with the boundaries and they'll get bored very quickly!
Exactly! 🎯
After 5 years with a narcissist I learned that no is now my favorite word
@@christopherhilliard3681 yep! Because healthy people don't have a shit fit when you use it! 💪
Weird hey
My sister did this to me. She lives in NYC and at the time I was in Germany. She was diagnosed with breast cancer and I decided to fly home to support her. I was going to be in NY for about 2 weeks and I told her that there was only one day when I couldn't see her. I'll give you 3 guesses which day she insisted I see her and the first two guesses don't count. That was the beginning of the end of our relationship after years of such nonsense.
It's really easy: Look for an overweening, UNEARNED sense of ENTITLEMENT. You know: that "I DESERVE THE BEST OF EVEYTHING AND YOU'RE HERE TO GIVE IT TO ME!!!!" mentality.
When you see that, RUN!
🎯✔️
I think this is one of the best comments. Many people ask for time, attention, and energy from their friends and family and not everyone may be on the same page about how much they need to receive and when. Sometimes the boundaries are compromised, and sometimes people realize they have different needs and just disengage. Our human interactions have been so reduced to looking at everything like it is a transaction.
The narcissist differs from the average person in that there is a sense that they are automatically going to get access to those resources or that they deserve them somehow without earning them. You can usually sense "assumed access" from pretty early on when meeting someone.
I think an even better test than boundaries is to talk to a narcissist about something that doesn't interest them or directly involve them. Talk to them about yourself where they have to center you for a few minutes. Most cannot do it and will change the subject (and they can be charming when doing so), crack a joke, interrupt, "have to go," become rudely visibly bored, or zone out, and you will feel this unearthly sense of being invisible. Try it a few times. If you feel like you have to muscle your own presence into a conversation with them, that's a pretty good indicator.
That includes political contestants too…
That's so obvious though. My Ns are way more covert.
@@websurfer5772 AGREE !!
Learning to SMILE and say NO ended my marriage very quickly
Congratulations!
and how did you get married in the first place?
I prefer to just disengage from narcissist's. It's not worth the emotional energy it takes to constantly have to maintain boundaries when they constantly try to put you in a position to have to explain. Pass. Let them rot alone.
Best comment yet.
Agreed. It is best to know if they are narcissist first though. That's the purpose for this video. Set a boundary, observe the reaction. Once and done. If narcissistic, move on (no one suggested sticking around a narcissist constantly).
Yes. This is the best advice.
Amen!
😂😂😂YES!!!👏👏👏
They hate the word 'no' or anything that sounds like it, and they reply to everything with 'I'm sorry you feel that way.'
That sentence has been unfairly vilified because a lot of the people saying it don’t mean it. It’s valid and kind to feel bad other people feel bad while maintaining your boundaries and not always doing what other want. It’s just that people who say it don’t mean it at all. They mean too effing bad for your
@@M_SC with my ex, the clue that he was being disingenuous was his huffy/pissy tone of voice. Nice people say it in a caring manner.
@@M_SCif the person uttering "I'm sorry you feel that way" also hates the word no, it's not innocent. Ever.
Mine doesn't reply 'im sorry you feel that way'. I get "what's your problem? "What's the matter with you?" "I only asked you" in a very irritated manner. It makes me feel like a terrible person and I end up apologising for just saying no, like I've spoiled all his fun. 😢
@@M_SC
Totally agree, we all have our own feelings about things, so how else are we supposed to acknowledge that someone has feelings about something, but we don't happen to agree with them about it 🤷🏻♀️
And when you don't give in and "help" them with their manufactured "problem/drama", you're immediately smeared to EVERYONE they know for being 'selfish' or 'not caring' etc.
They push your boundaries, and punish you immediately if they cannot break you..
Yes....and then proceed to tell you how selfish you are, and what about the things they've done "for you". 🛐
Do you know my ex wife
I think my dad is narcissist. He is constantly breaking these boundaries. And it's like "go to ... tomorrow" and he won't ask me or my mom, he will call that person and ask her if we should come. What to do? I'm getting too angry and stressed out because I've got mental health problems and I am stuck with my parents, mom is great but dad is terrible. How to behave with someone like him?
@@karolinanie5946get busy with your own life and move out when you can.
yes! If I say "honey, you left food stuck on the dishes when you washed them." He'll say "Since you don't like how I do it and want to be a whiner, I won't wash dishes for a week and see how you feel about it THEN." He punishes me in order to try to get me to be afraid to criticize what he does. And it's always my fault. No doubt, he did a piss poor job because my shananigans tired him out and he couldn't focus. It'll be some sort of ridiculousness like that. One day he came home and said he had a bad day at work. I calmly said, "it'll be interesting to see the gymnastics you go through to find a reason why it's my fault." He got so mad he gave me the silent treatment for days. THANK GOD.
The best thing I learned in Al-Anon was the saying “No is a complete sentence.”
damn that hits hard
Oh, my ... I've watched hundreds of videos on narcissists ... but this one is by far the most practical and useful one I have found. Deeply thankful 🙏
@Sovica1511Yes it cuts to the chase
If you've watched hundreds of narcissist videos maybe part of the problem is you. Just a thought. Oh wait, that makes me a gaslighter, right?
@@opentrunkI don’t know if you are a gaslighter. How would I know?
For me it’s a lack of empathy. If somebody is laughing about someone’s mistake, how they accidentally fall or slip, that to me is a sign of narcissism.
I have a "3 times and you're out" rule. If I catch the person in a falsehood 3 times; hear them denigrate someone else 3 times, or something they say/do makes me uncomfortable (for whatever reason) 3 times, I cut off contact with them immediately. It's awkward sometimes, but so, so much better than being the target of a narcissist.
Then just about all kids/teens are narcissist!
@@Turco949 YUP!
@viola1980 Ludicrous statement. You need to understand it is not people's fault you cannot see the funny side of ackward situations. I laugh at myself when such a thing happened to me, a fall, a slip with no further consequences. Now to laugh at someone's mistake is plain rude. And again it depends of the situation and how well you know that person. To be able to laugh is a good thing. I do not think narcisists can laugh at themselves nor be able to see the funny side of ackward situations. Are you sure, @viola1980, you are not one of them???
Yes
I was taught i wasn't allowed to have boundaries.
This painted a huge target on me for narcs.
Me too.
Same here
Yep, me too. And it's made it difficult for me to set boundaries on myself too.
Same with me.... Because my parents were taught same by their parents. I'm not saying my parents are narcs, but some of my grandparents surely were.
@@websurfer5772 I'm 48 and just learning about having boundaries.
I don’t let anyone make adjustments to my life. If they keep looking for a crack in my armor, avoid them at all costs
Don't forget that people with adhd interrupt, but will usually be okay with boundaries, but be gentle as years worth of social failures under their belts
💯
People who are genuinely interested and excited about what you're saying will also interrupt because they're actually trying to understand what you're trying to convey (just as students will interrupt a professor to ask questions if they genuinely care about what they're being taught). These interruptions are usually very short, innocent, often for clarification, and usually include an acknowledgment/apology for the interruption; most talkers appreciate this sort of active listening/active attempts to understand. The type of interruptions to look out for are the ones where they're trying to turn the conversation back towards them and their own experiences.
It's really confusing when they're both adhd and narcissistic. It takes longer to figure them out and when they're being genuine or not.
@mermadeofgarbage4005 I guess it's all about weighing up how emotionally available people are before investing too much time into them. Feeling anxiety is a good sign that something isn't right. The details don't really matter- who's at fault and why etc. Some of our core needs aren't being met and it's up to us to decide whether we keep investing in someone
????!
I've had a few narcissists in my life and they DEFINITELY have a very specific "smile" in common. Very forced, fake, phony, and used only to manipulate.
I grew up with two narcissistic parents who were obsessed with the concept of smiling. Their favorite complaint about me is that I don't smile enough; according to them, I should have been smiling and acting as though I won the lotto at all times around them, otherwise I was ungrateful and unappreciative. I hated smiling, and refused to smile for photos for decades (for this reason, and also because when I was in the "tooth fairy" stage of life, they would have held on to any photo of me with a missing tooth like a trophy and used it as their one representation of me forever).
Their own smiles, however, were always extremely phony and they hated being called out on it. I learned to see smiling as manipulation from a very young age.
My dad died a few years ago, now I barely speak to my mom, and she doesn't know I started smiling in pictures this year. I'm in my late 30s.
@@dekalbI would send her one of those pictures and tell her. This is what a real smile looks like.
I have a narc mother too. It has taken me years to see through her. But when you do you feel sorry for their shallow self that she is. But love for her. Sorry. I don't have it. I don't feel it.
Be careful. Autistic people do that too. You might catch yourself treating a innocent person badly because in reality You're no diagnostician.
They smile with their teeth, not their eyes.
THE EVIL GRIN😬😳
I've had a pattern of violating boundaries with friends. I don't always consciously know when I am testing others' limits for selfish reasons. Several years ago, I had made a friend who was very genuine, empathetic, and emotionally mature. The attention of someone who was authentically generous and loving made me feel like I was worthy as their equal. Thankfully, she had experienced enough in life to have the strength to tell me NO, repeatedly call me out for it; and eventually remove me from their life. Losing a connection to the best person in my life is what finally taught me the pain that I had been inflicting on the people I've always needed the most. To all others who have been victimized by conscious and unconscious cruelties, do not accept their apologies. Do not let them finish. Call them out- then leave them behind. It's absolutely the best thing you can do for both of you.
Just realized while listening, however, that people with neurodivergent brains (like ADHD or autism) sometimes initiate these first kinds of behaviors, like interrupting (it's a forebrain structure issue affecting executive functions such as impulsivity or difficulty restraining words or actions) or getting so excited about a topic they don't realize you're engrossed in your tv show, so maybe their timing isn't the best to bring up movies or mountain biking. ADHD people, even as adults, also suffer from Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (can get quite upset that they got criticized yet again, as they get over 18,000 critical remarks from people before age 18 already - their self esteem is horrible by the time they reach adulthood), so if you shut them down unkindly, they may feel hurt. I've taught a lot of these students, and it's embarrassing for them to go through life catching continual flak from people who don't understand why they act this way, as their brains are very different. They may never behave entirely appropriately no matter how hard they've been trying all their lives. So it's super important, folks, to please listen carefully to Meadow's point here, since anyone might behave thoughtlessly but not be a narcissist; the thing to identify what's really going on is notice what happens NEXT. If you say no or that you're busy, in a nice way, to an adult, but they person gets angry or demanding or resentful, That's the red flag. Watch for rage or scorn. A person with a neurodivergent brain (and in fact many with neurotypical brains who grew up with autistic parents) might not realize that "I don't have plans" doesn't mean, "I'm open. I might want to make some plans." That's a subtlety of inference we can't assume everyone will catch. But if you see anger after explaining what you mean, then it's entitlement, the real red flag showing that they feel themselves above you. You should be catering to them, by right, as they see it. They may well be emotionally arrested at age two no matter how intelligent they are intellectually. If you sense entitlement or bullying or superiority in the least, run, do not walk. Things only go downhill from there - no matter how many years you try to love them or work to raise their insight level. NPD is a serious personality disorder, and "all you need is love" doesn't really apply with such folks in my experience. You're in a Disney movie reality thinking about unity and "us" consciousness; meanwhile a narcissist tends to think they're in a Mad Max movie reality where thinking every encounter is a cage fight for the cunning and brutal "me" to win. It's not going to work out. Just realize there are a lot of different brain types these days and ADHD is exploding, so it's actually the entitlement and bullying outlook, the rage at not getting what they want when they want it, which is the signal you may be dealing with a narcissist.
Well said.i have adhd people in my family and although they interrupt and criticize now and then, they do have kind hearts and are generous. It's about the heart. Narcissistic people make everything about them selves. Adhd people are very much understood.
Correction...very much misunderstood
@falconbritt5461 Thank you so much for your wellworded explanation re neurodivergent individuals and the dangers of armchair psychiatry. We could use a lot more of this kind of talk from all the professionals jumping on the current fascination with narcissism. Thank you for your work with students on the spectrum. Thank you for advocating in an intelligent way.
Truth!
Wow, you really nailed it. This explains me to a T, and I have heard of this before. As a young adult, I remember being accused by a “friend” who accused me of being narcissist, not realizing that my ADHD behaviors were not the same. Your comment is so eloquently written that I’m going to share it with someone so hopefully they can understand me better. Thank you.
Sounds EXACTLY like dealing with a child. Interesting .
A spiteful, mean spirited child.
They're at a mental level of a child just in an adult body!
@PostalDude97 Not all narcissistic people came from abusive or neglectful parents some were overindulged or spoiled!..double edged sword!
That's a good point, and makes sense. Their narcissism prevents them from actually fully growing up. They have no motivation to grow up because they feel they already have it all together.
@@Blackgeoff1 Yeah they come off as psychologically stunted.
ALL TRUE!!! Uphold your boundary lines. LISTEN TO THIS AS MANY TIMES AS YOU NEED. Never forget.
OMG! I got wise to the fact that my husband is a narcissist a few years ago (we've been together for over 25 years). The very first time we met (a language exchange) for coffee, he forgot his wallet! I didn't know it then, but that is very atypical. I paid for coffee (and he also ordered cake!) Because of your video, I realize he tested me the very first time we met! Great content (sadly too late for me...but, I left him a year and a half ago.)
oh my goodness- the audacity and entitlement is mind-boggling to me. 🤯 I'm glad you chose yourself, your your peace of mind and freedom. Much love to you
Isn't it amazing when you look back? Same with my ex husband. So many signs within the first few days, but I had no idea what to look for.
You can't unsee them once you "see" one. I have been very blind in my past!
How did you finally learn bout narcissism
@@MiteshDamania I was in a psychosomatic clinic after the death of my son (age 18). I was going through tons of psychological grief. The concept of narcissism kept floating around in other contexts and so I got curious and googled about it (narcissism to me meant people like Trump) and learned about the different forms. When I landed on covert narcissism, I could check all the boxes! It was such an eye-opener! Suddenly everything made sense (first, I tried to make sense of it through cultural differences.,.. he's German, I'm American. By then I was already trauma-bonded. Then I cycled through Napoleon syndrome, through Asperger's, but nothing hit home. Then, I decided that I didn't care. He was an asshole and no matter what I did, it wasn't right. That was huge! I told him I didn't care what he thought or what his opinion was, and I meant it! It started to get better after that. But once I discovered the many faces of narcissism, then I really became armed with the tools to get away! Knowledge is power! But, you can't know until you know! Thanks for asking!
Wish I’d known this about 30 years ago before I married him.
You can say that again! 😩😢
38 years
30 years. I ignored the few red flags he showed right before the wedding. He was so covert and I so broken, I missed the TEA signals for sure!
SAME!! Ugh. Finally free after 20 years of marriage. I almost died from the abuse and licked my wounds for years after. I wish I knew then what I know now, but at least I know now and am finally living my best life!
You NEED to get out. It's not a real marriage, it is prison and torture and is killing you slowly. He scammed you. I left my horrible situation and I have my life, health, and sense of well being and joy back.
Tell them "No." Their reaction to it will tell you everything.
Best dating advice I ever received. Start small, like refusing a meeting time or place. Actually use the word "No" and don't talk in circles. Then work your way up to bigger things.
Don't ever allow yourself in a situation where you are alone with someone who can't deal with the word "No."
Let me repeat that.
Don't ever allow yourself in a situation where you are alone with someone who can't deal with the word "No."
It's so exhausting trying to figure these people out. Best to just stay away.
It's important to figure out because they are the ones running the world
Often you have to work with them. Their back stabbing, deceitful, fake and always self centred. To make it worst, if your wise to them they know it pretty quick and despise you even more.
It’s hard when it’s your children
@@spotty67
Well said.
Educate yourself about Narcissism and EVIL will not visit you. Ignorance is NOT BLISS.
Wow, I've made a study of narcissism on YT for YEARS, but your video actually gave me some VALUABLE information on how to spot them. Thank you!
I kept getting into relationships with narcissistic personalities, and the last one almost killed me, literally, when I pushed back to protect myself. As a result I've been home bound the last 4 years, afraid that I would invite another one into my life, blaming myself for not being able to spot them before I connected with them. I'm still agoraphobic, and I've had counseling every other week for the last 2 years to try and heal.
Not one counselor was able to help me identify why I wasn't able to stop the narcissist from latching on, but THIS video has put a magnifying glass on the narcissist instead of my failings.
I cant tell you how important this video is to me. I can now look back and zoom in on those initial days of meeting my ex. I can now see what interactions we had with a clearer understanding.
With this specific information I can now understand how I let my guard down.
Thank you! I know it will still take time for me not to be afraid to be around people, but having this information in hand when I do gives me hope.
Thank you so much! ❤
Have you tried or considered EMDR?
This ebook will enable you to identify the bad eggs to avoid, and also the good persons to keep www.scientolipedia [dot ] org/w/images/2/27/Ups_and_Downs_.pdf
If you want to miss the waffle and go straight to the crux, fast-forward to 06:38. And a personal tip: if you think you’re dating a Narc, always have a second purse (wallet) with a SMALL amount of money (NO credit/bank cards) in your handbag - hide your real purse/wallet at the bottom of your bag or leave it at home. Then when the Narc says he’s left his wallet at home, YOU say “Oh dear - well, I’ve only got a few pounds with me, sorry - what are we going to do?” (ie play dumb) - so HE will (a) be utterly humiliated in the restaurant and (b) have to sort payment out with the Manager. (His credit card usually is miraculously found when faced with this scenario, trust me!!!).
So narcissistics dont want to pay their own bills when they are with us, is that right? Because I went through that experience, they always act like "sorry, I do not have money". Shame. It is disgusting.
I had a roommate in our student residence who routinely used to suggest going down to the restaurant-bar downstairs to have “death by chocolate” cake (she was German. It would be 4pm). She managed to “forget” her wallet and then “not have change” when we came back up, so often that it became a running joke. She had four people standing at the door chorusing, “Do you have your wallet, Gabrielle?” She had a gigantic poster of a baby’s face that took up most of the wall above her bed. All arranged so that it faced the open door. Yes, it was a picture of herself.
So sensible, learned that with my narc sister years ago she'd always literally run when it came time to pay - supermarket, Cafe, etc. I learned to pay for my share a d simply walk away. Funnily, once returned she wld suddenly find she had the money.
These days I keep away from her completely. They are vampires.
A Narc once took me to a car dealership to buy a car. Somehow he thought that I'd buy it for him when he didn't have enough $$. When I didn't take the bait, I think that was the moment I stopped being his "target" and he started seeking revenge on me. If someone pulls something like this on you--pretends not to have the money even for a candy bar--don't take the bait. That's your cue to be unavailable to them forever.
I wish I'd read this a couple of days ago. The scenario you've described just happened to me, but I paid 😔
Please listen to what Meadow says. My psychopath (an extreme form of malignant narcissism) ex performed a jarring physical and personal privacy boundary test--and I failed horribly. We went out the first time (we were already working together). When we got back to my house, he barged right past me and quickly went through my whole house, checking every door. I was shocked and uncomfortable. But I did nothing. He quickly told me that he was checking to make sure no one was lurking in my house because he "wanted to make sure I was safe." I should have said, "Thanks, but don't ever do that again. I did not invite you in." Instead, I was caught completely off-guard, mumbled something awkward, and he knew he had me hooked. It turned out really badly over the next 20 years because I had no healthy boundaries whatsoever. And it did cost me my reputation, finances, family, career, and sanity. Complete nightmare.
These people ruin entire lives. Decades of misery and fear inflicted on good decent people. It's been a journey filled with horror and betrayal with the narcissists in my life. Now 64 and only just realising I will NEVER be out of danger. A sobering thought. I feel for you and all the other victims ❤
The 'smash-and-grab.'
I'm free now at 72, but it cost me everything. Nonetheless, freedom is worth it.
@@jojo1960uk
I'm terribly sorry that you went through that. It must have been so horrible.
@@jojo1960uk From what I have seen, through watching many channels on TH-cam dealing with what to watch out for and how to get out, these creatures appear to have much the same playbook. I would suggest helping yourself to as much knowledge as you can, so you can "see them coming a mile off". That way you can use tactics to block their interest in you, and save yourself a lot of misery. They truly are horrid. All the best.
When a narcissist is talking. Just shaking your head back and forth as if saying no, drives them nuts.
Wouldn't that drive YOU nuts?
🤣
Yeah it's kinda wierd and rude to most people I'd imagine.
Best comment! Made me laugh so much, I just imagined myself doing that to few narcs I know of. 😂😂 But truly speaking that would probably drive many a bit at unease.
perhaps cause its rude and invalidating?
"Say no, then count to 5 in your head." Great advice! Gives me space inside myself to pause and detach from any selfish tactics from the other that may come. Another way I see boundaries - is a border in myself which I refuse to cross over, instead of seeing a boundary as a border I need to fight intruders off from. That slight shift in perspective keeps me from exerting unnecessary energy. Just say no and go! Let the narcissist stay in their own land of insecurity, and refusal of self-reflection. That is not a place I want to visit, let alone reside in. Every tactic they use is to pull you into their land of emptiness. It all comes down to self accountability, and how dedicated we are to our own well being. A narcissist is a great tool to gauge how willing I am to stay true to my own heart, because their whole goal is to pull you away from that.
It is not only the smile, the smirk they give when they have said or done something that has hurted you, which really gets on my nerves like nothing else. Is THAT SHINY, CRUEL LOOK they have on their eyes when they are not acting casual and innocent. That is the real sign from the beginning.
Just because you're feelings are hurt doesn't mean your dealing with a narcissist. It just might be your self importance getting in the way.
That look & that smirk are true telltale signs! I've seen it waaaaay too many times with 2 narc relationships!
I know what about you are talking... It used to hurt me, but not anymore.... Now I flash the same smirk towards them and it completely confuses them.
I didn't see it from the beginning. Took me years, and stumbling on a youtube channel dedicated to this information. Then I started to see it. And I'm generally very good at reading people! He got me in my blindspot. Sometimes it's like that.
@@marthas.4456lol ! I’ll have to try that next time. I always want to get away with him, though, rather than engage
I am a bit embarrassed to say I have been married almost 40 years. It has never been a happy marriage but I was too busy running my house and raising my children to really address it. What you have described is my husband to the T. I now have my elderly parents living with us, you can just imagine how well that is going. My hope is that when my parents are no longer here I will divorce him. I just can't believe that it took me this long.
Hang in there and be strong. That's a long time to be married to anyone. Maybe start preparing to leave.
Take small steps when you can.
@@nicholastanton8404 thank you.
@@unclearnuclear thank you so much.
Begin to prepair to leave. It takes a while to decide where to begin .
But its the little changes ♡
They mimic your gestures and studies your habits/routines.
Their smiles always slips when you say something they do jot approve, very minute behavior but you'd notice within time.
The guy I dated in 2018 first dazzles me with how he "studies" physcholgy and he is an engineer to be clear.
Then, after a few months of seeing him, he'd asked if we can move in and "share" rent.
Third, 2 times he'd say he forgot his wallet but his wallet is a chain pouch to his car keys, therefore he has his wallet.
Those tactics was for him to test my boundaries and how much I'd pay until I'd say something.
Also, the 1st time we were intimate was him saying how I had 'stretch marks" or how my scars looked.
They will love bomb and then devalue and repeats cycles.
Devious creatures are what Narcissts are!
Stay clear path from them!
Wow. I'm sure I couldn't handle that.
Will mirror you!…very jealous!
@lindahandley5267 Most of us couldn't either. It saddens me that many of us have had Narc parents/partners, and we just adapt and overcome(Marine Corps). I served in the Marines years ago. But, we do unveil their masks eventually.
@charlottemuller2233 Yep, and it's as if they are chimera that mimics their preys behviors/needs according to what they really WANT. Unfortunately, many of us find out a little too late.
I read that phony narcissistic males who love bomb ( condense 6 months of dating into 6 days or 6 weeks) to get what they want from you, csn only sustain love bombing for about 5 months give or take.
Female gold digging narcissist love bombers can only sustain their efforts for 3 months, give or take.
So, you just have to outlast them.
No physical intimacy during that time.
Personally, I don't think it's worth wasting one day on them. Their motives are very clear from the beginning.
I appreciate how you give clear examples. Most channels just deal with general principles. As the daughter of a narcissist, I really need those tools to protect myself, so thank you for that.
In my chaotic world, respect is everything. I respect someone as long as they respect me. That's the boundary: either I walk away (flight) or I change the situation (fight).
Our 4 cats are all narcissists. They test me to yield all my boundaries and meet their immediate attention demands. Granted, they do produce a purr when I lavish undo attention (scratch ears rub belly) then, eventually, they become bored and scamper off….until they require another supply!
Undue, not undo attention
Use a dictionary
Transactional cats, you get purr for scratching😊
😂
@@susanmercurio1060 fair point, thanks for caring about my use of words. I should have run it through my editor. Point is: lots-o-ttention. My business partner is a raging narcissist. I finally did some research and figured it out. No attention let alone ‘undue’ attention for him. Anyone willing to dissect my sentences and give me grammar advice?
Yep. Cats are narcissists.
They smile without smiling with their eyes. Also, they smirk and chuckle with a smug face.
Yes the EYES and non verbal expressions are everything!!! It’s subtle may only last a mere half a second but if you see it don’t ignore it!
@@suzy7773 Exactly! They do it very subtly, but Empaths like us can feel and sense it, that's why they do it. They are a-hole humans (my brothers are narcs).
I so fervently wish I had been able to watch this video when I was 15 years old.
Many thanks for helping the current generation to avoid the traps which so many of my generation fell into.
warmest regards,
Karen
An ex female friend pushed boundaries on an extreme level, she would act like a child and jump all over me even out in public.. she was a totally repressed child in an adult body, it was sad and scary to watch.. I obviously ended the friendship but she lost the plot and had some choice words(which I ignored) and I walked away quietly and NEVER EVER LOOKED BACK.
I dealt with the same thing. So glad this so-called friend is out of my life.
I had one like that too. She actually stamped her foot like a toddler when I told her I didn’t want to attend some kind of social engagement she wanted me to join her in.
I've dealt with the same. She didn't stop there though 😔
@@Sarafactanonverba I’m so truly sorry 😢
That fake smile that is full of contempt.😊
The word "no" is the best in narcissistic vocab.
I'm tired of being friendly to these crazy people. It's best for me to put up a strong boundary statement and get away from them ASAP
Do what serves your needs not theirs. Shut anyone down who makes you uncomfortable...for any reason. It's about how YOU feel, not them ! You owe nobody explanations!
Give in to their pressure temporarily and watch for the small crafty smile.
Another tell is the narcissist will often be intently studying someone in the room when they don’t think others are looking.
Yes!!!! My ex did this often and it was truly chilling. Dead shark eyes studying the waters for prey.
WOAH wtf mine does the watching thing too!!! Why are the all the same?!
@@carcarbinx98because they don’t have a personality, they have a personality disorder
The creepy stare?
I saw this smirk when he saw tears welling up in my eyes after he hurt me.
This really works. The venom came out and he moved on immediately!
Control is so very important to them.
My sister makes this smirk all the time. She has delusions of grandeur, for sure. I cringe when I see her do it, because it's so effing brutal. She hates it when others have talent, brains, beauty, something interesting to say to others, etc. She always has to reign superior. So....those people get her smirk.
I’ve come to smirk internally when I see the smirk, because I’ve figured them out. Haha, got you, narcissist. It would be different for you because it’s your sister not a new person, but perhaps you can try to adopt this mindset a little. Create a mental bingo card of narc things and always get it out (mentally) and play during every interaction. The distance will serve you.
Mine has started telling my growing up stories as hers…besides being a narcissist she’s a raging alcoholic…
My sister even uses this damn smirk emoji on whatsapp when she gives answers and I hate it.
@@sherburck Raging alcoholic is a death sentence.
That's a brilliant idea!!!!!@@M_SC
He "accidentally" spilled red wine in my couch in one of our first dates. Now i see that he wanted to see how i reacted under pressure.
Yessss. 🙄
Also.. how did he get into your house on the first date? Boundaries & standards is key. Narc already targeted/groomed you if hes in your house on 1st date...🤔
I guess just like me you are here also trying to learn something because you likely went through something similar. How sad that you use your time to mock someone sharing their experience in a community of empathetic people. To answer your question if you read my answer it was not the first, it was one of our first dates and just like every other victims I didn't know people like that existed. Thank you for your comment and good luck with your healing.
Oh Yes! I sure did! Narc survivor here just wanted to respond with an apology. My comment was not to mock you. I was trying to point out how fast & aggressive they are. Literally getting into your home. They need to study you to trap you. So the fact that this guy got so close and was already damaging your couch is very telling! One of the things they do to groom you is to covertly destroy the things you love that you had before you met them. Slowly erasing your identity and comfort. Mine destroyed my personal paintings antique furniture and I caught him taking my old memory cards erasing pictures! Also he might have jealous of your home so he " messed up your couch" like a jealous friend who spills a drink on your dress. As far as healing I now run a herb sanctuary and ministry to support others. So sorry I triggered you sis! ❤️
Its ok.. thank you for coming back and explain, i guess i got triggered and i just dont know what to do with these memories. It still shocks me that every memory i had was not real... but worst, the only thing real was the attack to my soul. I feel violated in so many levels. Im sorry you had to go through that too. 🥺
Wow this is absolutely phenomenal. You used a key phrase in this “getting their needs met.” My narcissist ex-wife would constantly say “I Always Get My Needs Met.”
Great advice! I practice this with my kids as well. They need to know that my time is not their time to waste. That they cannot make demands from me at whim and fancy. People are trained from childhood to feel ENTITLED to other people's time.
The smirk is a dead giveaway, Parasites the lot of them.they can change faster than a chameleon, but it's so easy to spot.
In a way it’s great cause you can do the “blood in the water” test. Bring up something “sad” or vulnerable that’s not actually that vulnerable and watch how they react. If they smirk or use it against you - you know they are a shark.
At the advanced age of 55 i became aware & studied: narcissism, gaslighting, projection, psychopathy/sociopathy. Better late than never. Thank you so much, Meadow, for that primer! Accurate and well illustrated.
I met up with my ex Narc: he asked me for a personal favour...I responded with a polite "No, you get to go home," and he was gone.
I think my answer would be, “I think you should ask one of your friends.” And then I would quickly take my leave or hang up the call.
@@robertahardy2295 yeah. Despite the fact he boosted about having so many friends and celebrity friends at that, I knew he had no one. He would slip in and out of depression and loneliness. Yeah, I should said: why don't you ask your celebrity friend? 😁👍
It's not 'your' narc
Exactly what we do with a 3-year-old. They are toddlers, wrapped in an empty darkness, covered in a candy coating. Beware.
But much bigger, more cunning etc.
Sounds like Trump
My mother in law is a narcissist and does ALL of this and more. She regularly talks over (almost exclusively me) when I'm talking to my husband or children. She also goes through my things when she's over. She will go through my purse, my underwear drawer, even use my cosmetics without asking (like lipliner and eyeliner!). When I first met her and she did all of this I said to my husband "your mother has an issue with boundaries." And he agreed. I wish I knew then what I knew now.
I uninvited my mother in law to our wedding because she would do shit like this too. What was the final straw was when my dad had cancer she stole my adhd medication. When I needed them. I had to buy my dad diapers and take care of my dad. So I uninvited her. After that my mother in law and my sister in law started sending me threats of violence. I’m being dead serious.
Stealing medicines out of anyone’s medicine cabinet (adhd medicine= amphetamines) is a classic and common symptom of a real addict, which should not be conflated with narcissism.
Not to say that she’s not also a narcissist but if you’re dealing with an addict or alcoholic you’d serve yourself well to recognize that for exactly what it is.
Kudos to you for taking direct action.
@@YomommazDaGame dangerous person!
When I first met my narc mother in law she literally poked my belly, commented on my weight, then informed my husband "well she is an improvement over the last one". Cold cold cruel woman who passed all those traits and more to her son. It's such a DISEASE!
@@YomommazDaGame wow!! I am so sorry! That is evil what she did. (And the threats) I always wonder how woman like this raise good sons! I'm also sorry to hear about your dad.😔
5 seconds is all it takes for a narc to go to Defcon 5. 🤯
scotttully8572, "5 seconds is all it takes for a narc to go to Defcon 5."
The best 10 minutes I have ever spent on TH-cam. Concise, informative, accurate. Brilliant.
I have to do this with my ex husband. His face and body language show that he’s looking for new manipulation tactics. He’s trained himself to say no problem but his body language tells on him.
My ex used to say, “there is no such thing as body language”. LMBO..😂
Same here,i need to protect my energy with my ex.He‘s trying to lure me in again…
Mine too, but I have the Lord Jesus as my Shield and he is taking care of it perfectly ✝️👑💖😊@@utaka78
Very valuable info. I have a new business acquaintance that likes to call in the evening around my dinner time. I told him that I have dinner at such time and settle in for the evening and watch TV shows. Sure enough, he calls at least once a week at my dinner time. I just do not answer the phone. I text him the next day and ask what he needs. He responds with "nothing, just wanted to chat." I reinforce that I am not available at that time to chat. Maybe the dinner time calls will stop soon.
I knew someone who I suspect was bipolar. She would repeatedly call me at 12:00 and 1:00+ in the morning on a work night, just chatty as can be. In spite of my repeated tactful requests to stop, and reminding her that I had to get up in the morning, she continued. I just ignored the subsequent calls and let them go to voicemail and she would leave me a 5+ minute long message. I erased them and did not call her back. She finally went away.
I just block people like that. If I want to hear from them sometimes, I’ll unblock them then. But I have a semi-friend who ignores that I have repeatedly said I do not use social media like FB, insta, and the clock sound one, and others (hate them so much don’t even like writing their names). Knowing I have insomnia, she thinks that’s an open invite to send dozens of links to them 24/7. Often they are on topics in which she knows I have zero interest, or she thinks I have more interest than I do, regardless of what I’ve told her. It’s like she downloads her every thought. One time, and there have been similar times, she sent 96 texts in under 2 hours. So, she’s usually blocked. She’s blocked right now, actually.
There are times when we can get along, and can have some mutually useful interactions, but she seems more like she is clueless than a narcissist, though she has had random fits of irrational rage on just any random point. One example was she likes to brake at the very last second when coming to stoplight. She’s a tailgater. She zooms right up to their bumper. I drive fast, but never crowd the car in front of me, and keep a good distance. I’ve naturally flinched when she’s come 6” from the bumper in front of her, and she screamed and pounded her fists in everything that I needed to not react because it made it “unsafe” for her.
She screamed she needed to focus, and “drive safely so her braking wouldn’t throw her dog (who rides loose in the car) wouldn’t go through the window”. I told her I totally agree, she should absolutely drive safely and brake even sooner (like 50’-100’ sooner, she’s going so fast and brake-checking herself, imo toying with other’s lives), so she wouldn’t have to brake so hard. Her screaming fit was arguing for my point of view, but in her mind, somehow braking earlier would endanger her dog,
I just let such people act foolishly, like watching a play. They’re all actors to me, and I minimize or end contact for good for such types. I would suggest people just see any personality disorder in that light, and not ever take things personally, nor adjust to calm them, except to deescalate dangerous situations, I don’t mind doing that in the moment. I can do it without pandering to their demands. I don’t care about insults, I’m self assured, I know my flaws and don’t dismiss them, but such people aren’t actually attacking a flaw, but usually a strength. That’s another clue. They attack strengths and see them as flaws, or pretend to.
She also once threw another fit (they’re very rare over years of knowing this person, so I see it as having a very weak moment), because I won’t gossip, I will always say it’s none of my business, and I’ve better things to put into my mind, I truly do not want to know the personal business of others, in fact, I tell people I want to not-know, I want to be free of such knowledge), and wouldn’t take her side about 2 people she insisted on talking about, wouldn’t condemn their actions, as they were both grownups and the issue was clearly just cleanly, only between the two of them, and did not involve additional innocent parties, and she screamed and hurled insults (because she did have a viewpoint, an irrational one in my view, and she thought that minding my own business and not condemning as she was was a bad thing), all of which I found amusing, and she ran off, and didn’t make contact for a few years, which was OK with me. I don’t hang out with drama queens of either sex.
Turns out she had a mental breakdown, and went into an inpatient rehab. I could have guessed she would. She does push people’s boundaries often, but she usually just goes away without throwing a fit, and moves on to doing what she can do.
Needless to say, she does most things alone, and can’t figure out why people won’t do things with her. She’s mused in the past that perhaps it’s because she meddles, and I said yes, I think that does play a large role (I’m a bluntly honest person, no false compliments, I mean what I say, either way. You always know where you stand with me).
I would encourage others to absolutely temporarily block those with whom you sometimes do need to interact. Turn off your phone, or block certain people in your down time, and don’t apologize. Be unavailable. It’s good to be unavailable for people, they need to learn self-reliance, and at the very least, boundaries. If you forget to unblock them, set an alarm or two on your phone to unblock people when it’s time.
Don’t tell people you do this. Don’t explain, don’t give reasons. When you give reasons, you tell people they have voting rights on your choices. Friends don’t need explanations, and enemies will never understand. It’s some of the best advice I ever took.
@@fightinfetus I try to focus on faults I have, you can not fix anyone else. I would not get into a car (the second time) with someone I felt was an unsafe driver. I would tell them "I feel unsafe with your driving" then silence; let them chew on it. When they try and justify their actions, walk away. Being an "acquaintance" does not make someone a "friend". A friend is someone you share things in common with, someone that fits into your life, let's you live your life as you see fit but will be there, without you asking, when you are in need. If you see yourself choosing bad friends, that is an area you need to work on yourself......
Sounds like every human being in this world, because everybody need time, energy and everybody searches for your boundaries. That is why humans have relationship.
Big difference between building relationships and being manipulated by a narcissist. One (narcissist is needy, and disrespectful to boundaries) and Two (normal people need companionship, but understand if you're not available).
exactly. this is NOT the way to find them.
55 years with a narcissist but back in my day we, the general public, hadn’t heard that word or especially gaslighting. Too late for me. There is no validation unless I ask ( I am an artist and musician) and never any affection and I can never be right. I have always thought it is about how he was raised (he got the brunt of an alcoholic father and now I know, a narcissist mother) so I have learned not to expect what he cannot give. He has never been abusive, lets me do what I want, and gets me things I physically need. Just devoid of empathy, affection and affirmation that because of my childhood I so desperately needed. He played a good game at the beginning and the problems started pretty much after four children arrived and he was not the center of attention. He has been good to the children and grandchildren. As he would say, “such is life!”
How do you deduct he is a narc ? Have you heard of attachment types ? Maybe a have a look at that to see if he fits any of the types.
Virtual hug. You are practicing what dr ramani (another great TH-cam channel about narcissists) calls radical acceptance which is necessary to survive.
I feel you. Once we have put all our eggs in one basket it seems too late to move on. So we deal. ❤
Not to discredit anything else, but specifically with regard to "There is no validation unless I ask ( I am an artist and musician)" - Though I'm much younger I've found the last verse of Chapter 77 of the Tao Te Ching healthy/useful with respect to the internal struggles that may come from seeking/pursuing artistic validation/affirmation:
"Therefore, the sage acts without taking credit.
He accomplishes without dwelling on it.
He does not want to display his worth."
@@nessy9022 Ah, for things to be worth doing and no one to tell about it. What a concept for our times!
That smile used to intrigue me to no end. Now it terrifies me. 😮
I noticed it but never knew what it was. It always bothered me. His was like a low key sneer
The difficult part for me When the narcissist is your boss and can make trouble for you not only now, but down the line.
Keep a journal or diary. Date, What happened, Why it's important. Who is involved. For the journal/diary, just the facts. (Otherwise, the writing can get long and draining in itself.) And, there are better jobs for you:)
If you can find your boss' resume, send it out to headhunters & hope he/she/it finds a nice new job. Win/win!
Because the narcissist is ALWAYS acting.
Best antidote for a narcissist is self healing. Being whole and content turns off the emotional brokenness signal that attracts crazy.
Can you list some sources or tips for how you self-healed please?
@@websurfer5772 Jesus is the way, the truth and the life. I pray that He will create a desire in you to know Him. There is nothing better in this world than having a personal relationship with Him. He really is love and love heals all.
10:25 *This all sounds exactly like a boss or manager trying to get an employee to "be a team player" & "go the extra mile!"*
Great information. I replay interactions I have with people in my memory and see the narcissist tactics used. Not reacting to their foolishness and calmly repeating my boundaries and not letting them shift the frame of the issue / confrontation when they are intentionally being provocative and emotional has worked so well. They try so hard to be the power victim / cry bully. I can see their disappointment when they can see I won't play their game(s). Their body will often times just deflate as I calmly pick their manipulation games apart.
Yes! Body language is key!
Sound of self-righteous personality , sure its not as blatant as a narcissistic personality but it also comes with either a empath or echoist mix personality.
If you tell someone you don’t have anything planned, you’re indicating that you might be open to suggestions. This has nothing to do with boundaries.
I found some of these suggestions a little odd as well. The problem is that everyone has an occasional bad day and can exhibit narcissistic traits but they shouldn't be persistent or consistently pushing boundaries. I have been stuck without my wallet before and needed a friend to cover me, also I am not bothered covering someone else.... But how you ask and offer gratitude and repayment say A LOT more than occasional awkward stuff like that
“I have planned to do nothing” 😎 beat that, you filthy narcissist!
There's so much more to it.
Watch it again.
"Errands and chores"... They don't need to know one of my chores is decompression time... doing whatever I feel like doing.
@@Birdsong-Annalee Yep. "life maintenance"
The "acting confused" thing is particularly insidious - they do something that has hurt you, and pain by definition drains your energy... then they pretend to be confused as to what they did, or why you're reacting the way you are, which is a demand for you to explain yourself; explaining yourself means defending yourself. When they act confused, it is an accusation that you are in fact hurting them. This puts you in the position instantly of either having to expend more energy explaining to someone who is feigning ignorance, or surrendering to their proclamation that your reaction is something you have inflicted upon them.
Oh the confused, idont know what you’re talking about ,the doe eyes then the crocodile tears. Makes me laugh now.
I wish I had known all this in my teenage years and twenties..
I didn’t know that smirk was universal, I’ve seen it three times. These people are definitely not right in the head. It’s pathetic that someone sets their goals low.
Great advice. Narcissism is just another word until you get burned by one . . .
Pretty much like dealing with a toddler 🙏
yeah but toddlers learn and grow out of it so... don't insult the little humans. :)
A demonic toddler
This is very helpful. I wish I had known it 50 years ago. Thank you!
Glad it was helpful! Thanks for watching.
me toooo!!!
Yep. Think we are all educating each other. Those demons better watch out.
@@richardalonzo4717 yess! no communication is the only way for me right now, until i hewl myself more. the best to u 💪🏼
Me too them sucking energy from you and emotional make you ill and they don’t care
Brilliant analysis! I had the misfortune of working with an extreme narcissist. My gut reaction to her when I met her was wariness. Before long, I realised that she always asked things of me, both in and out of work. Once I figured out that I had to keep saying no to her demands, things escalated and she did everything possible to undermine me. It was the most unpleasant experience of my life (and I’m sure she would be delighted to know that). That said, I learned a lot from it. Your take on NPD is bang on!
My whole family (all my siblings significantly older than me): "You're a horrible, lazy child/sister/daughter for not helping me/him/her with X, Y or Z! You should be ashamed of yourself! I'm gonna remember this!"
Meanwhile, they won't ever ask you honestly, face to face, for any assistance. They might hint or manipulate at times instead. But if you don't provide it, they will quickly make you feel like sh¡t for it.
I guess I was supposed to read their minds as well...
Families like this steam roll all over one's boundaries, makes it challenging to see how to construct healthy boundaries as an adult. That's why we tend to find more narcs along the way the whole time ... big learning process; awareness and knowledge are key.
In a relationship with a narcissist? RUN!
@@ashton1952 Oh, sooo true about the boundaries!
I think a lot of people are just overqualifiying people to be narccicists. I usually do not ask for help because I´m a perfectionist and I want to be able to handle things, but I do want help actually. And usually I get frustrated and might end in an attitude as you pointed. I think people are just calling out everyone as narccicists If they show some less sophisticated and healthier way to treat things. That could be just immaturity, and not really the desire to make harm.
No, they wanna put you in negative light look like not helping...this is classis smear campaign...
Time, Space, and Energy. That's what they want from You. Those pesky vampires. I don't like them.
They want your suffering ultimately. It's the suffering of robbing you of your autonomy that motivates them. The supply is your suffering, turmoil, confusion etc. The power it gives them over you feeds their god complex.
@@shaunhunterit342 Your explanation really helps me see them more clearly. Thank you.
This is really very good description of the subtle dynamics re. boundaries and abuse. As well as being practical -- far superior to other counselling vids online. Fantastic, really. Thank you SO much.
There is a quick way..... Ask them a question about themselves and let them go😮😮. They will brag in every sentence. They may also start telling stories that make them victims. They have a childish charm!
😂😂😂😂😂
It's all a cover for being lazy losers who don t wanna work, settle or have any commitments in their lives cause that s too much pain. The secret tho is yes it's pain unless you have loved ones around you that you see at least it's worth it. But they have that they can charm anyone but they don t want anything than validation from it and then they looking for others and more because they are never satisfied with anything or anyone
One more thing I am certain the people who kiss their ass know all about their bad flaws and nature but they keep going to them because: the narcissist is charming and fun, can arrange parties, can attract more people, things their friends can't do on their own because they lack social confidence or initiative, plus I am certain some of them sadistically enjoy seeing how the narc bringing nice, loving, positive, good spirited people and being humiliated in front of their friends, because these friends are miserable themselves, they will literally do nothing about it and will watch you suffer in silence, if you even dare 'disturb' the status quo by coming forth and questioning everything and everyone they are acting all so 'bothered' like who are you who do you think you are to make them have any empathy or effort... nah . Shitty people i hate them next time I see one approach me I will let them know I already see they full of it. No benefit of doubt, no believing in goodness and decency until proven wrong. NO!!!
Nothing charming about it in the least.
It’s like they have multiple personalities depending on who they are impressing…. Sales people in every aspect of life
Another thing my husband does is complain if I am watching something on my tablet. Saying that is why nothing gets done around her. Then he goes in the living room to watch something on his phone for two hours.
that is possibly projection and/or blame shifting
Maybe he’s just an A-hole?🤷♂️
If it's something you feel strongly about and want their support, they may just shrug and become quiet unless it is in line with a shared goal, acting like you're speaking a foreign language. If you act uninterested in what they want they make you feel bad about it. What they want is much more important than what you want.