If you were not allowed to disagree with or stand up to your parents as a child, it’s easy to slip into relationship dynamics where you let people get away with doing things that make you resent them. True intimacy involves compromise - the conflicting wants and needs of two people act as checks and balances to one another. If you’re a people pleaser, you’ll make excuses for people who don’t treat you right without even knowing you’re letting them off the hook. And then get mad at them for it.
I had this kind of dynamic in my previous relationship until ive got more upset with myself than with my partner. Now I spoke up for myself which she doesn't liked at all and unfortunately we broke up with bad blood. I stood up for myself and it feels good
This describes my life exactly. My parents (and older brother) didn’t tolerate anger in particular, so it had to be suppressed to not be rejected. My 82 yo mother still can’t tolerate anything but polite agreement so I still feel as though I can’t express my authentic self with her even though I’m now 53. I think it’s why I only can be around her for a certain period of time. Her father had anger issues and drank a lot so I think it may be why she couldn’t tolerate anger. But I did learn to suppress my true feelings and thoughts from most people and it has damaged a lot of relationships especially when they find out I have another side to me, and I’m not sweet and agreeable all the time. Usually that side will show itself when I’m under a lot of stress and can’t keep it under wraps anymore. It usually comes as a shock for people and then that’s often the end of that relationship/friendship.
Consider your words (& the underlying beliefs related to them). The words & actions of others do not “make us” do anything. The resentment is as a result of the unspoken contracts/beliefs Heidi is speaking of & come from within the individual with that contract/belief, not from the individual triggering the contract. Just as anger that comes up when a boundary is crossed comes from within as a message/warning, not from the boundary crossing person “making” one angry.
LOVE this! i was growing resentful in my relationship and realized i simply was not explicitly setting boundaries. instead of stewing in insecure attachment, i instead clearly communicated to my partner my needs. at least i would be able to say i did my part! unfortunately, he did not meet my expectations/respect my boundaries even after clear communication -- but it made the split clear and rational to me, whereas leaving while in resentment would've been much more harmful and confusing. onwards and upwards!
"I will take my family members' opinions of me to heart, IF I believe that they taken the time to actually deeply get to know me, and are not just projecting what they want onto me." (Or -- I would add -- if they are not just making up stories about me to scapegoat me, to drain away the pain of the family and distract from the true issues.). "I won't take on this opinion of me, if I don't believe that the person presenting it to me was operating in good faith."
Ugh I’m just like that guy who expects his girlfriend never to express anger. My daily MO is, “I suck it up so why can’t you?” In fact, even as you were sharing that story, my immediate thought was “oh sure, who knows how she’d feel about her boyfriend constantly expressing anger towards her? Maybe she’d take it really well!” I don’t really even see expressing intense emotion or anger or making requests of other people as an option, because the shame I have around those things naturally deters me. For avoidants, I also think making harsh judgements of other people is not just about the other person, but is a tool to keep that shame alive. Like maybe the guy who judges his girlfriend’s anger as immature is, on some level, using those judgements to maintain his own suppression.
Beware of taking this too far, Men have let women get away with far far too much lack of accountability. And it is easy for women to gaslight us into believing everything is our fault. Are you really avoidant? or are the women around just not trustworthy? The second is very common.
Would not be the first time one partner is suppressing, and the other boils over. This dynamic reminds me of that Einstein quote "Energy cannot be created or destroyed, it can only be changed from one form to another"
I agree. Maybe that makes annoyance, judgement and resentment a useful tool for us. When we feel that, we can invite ourselves to think, “what deeper stuff am I suppressing with this right now?” Right? Often we haven’t had healthy models for expressing anger. Understandable. But, when people express anger healthily and we react with unchecked resentment/disgust etc, (because it’s unfamiliar), we’re protecting ourselves from learning the very information we’re missing… preventing ourselves from learning better. So, that rising discomfort is a good queue for us to challenge ourselves to be vulnerable and receptive to that person’s sincerity, including anger… and then to challenge ourselves to do that for our own difficult feelings too, rather than fighting them.
Your legendary timing again... That story about the boyfriend who wouldn't express anger and assume double standards struck a chord. I think I'm doing the same. I often catch myself thinking how my partner "would totally hate if I behaved the same way" - which may be true BUT at this point, I can only know that it is my assumption. 8:52 certainly is a German thing. Sei schön artig!
(if you keep throwing this kind of heat, I worried I'm going to have an HP line item in my budget. Honestly, though, thanks. These are really terrific.) "We can find some absolutely bonkers contracts inside of our unconscious minds; I have found some truly *bizarre* ones." What a hilarious and delightfully self-aware line! This whole integrity series is SUCH A BUMMER, Heidi! In the best way, of course. Waking up to my Mt. Rushmore-ian lack of integrity (mostly with myself, but by extension to others) is no picnic, lemme tell ya! Necessary, and long overdue, but a picnic it ain't. Thanks again.
@kevinkurgansky4479 th-cam.com/video/TOGI3Zi7aX8/w-d-xo.htmlsi=5d-IEe7W43Eu0on6 This one is good. Also the one titled "When vulnerability backfires". All are recent.
I’ve been struggling with what I thought was jealousy but after watching your video, learned that I was feeling resentful. This is really helping me move forward. I felt so stuck before.
Yes, probably anger too. As well as sadness. As well as fear. Underneath it. In that order (almost always) And we feel disrespected by how others handle it (which is a sign of a boundary needing to be put up thru the initial emotion of anger) Then when we repress the anger, it turns into resentment Repressed Anger turns into Resentment
Thank you for your incredible clarity and your ability to clearly articulate these very complex webs we weave. I am 71 yrs old and I astounded by the relevance of your topics. If only the therapists I worked with over the past 55 yr had been aware of these concepts and connections. Be well.
my ex resented me because i got hurt or sick or PMS’d approximately once a month and needed help from him, whether than meant going to the store for me an extra time, or cooking me food later at night, or getting me medicine. when he broke up with me he said he wouldnt ask that from me that often. it was very clearly “i supress X so others must also supress X”
I’m definitely guilty of feeling like I have to suppress myself (even if I don’t always have the willpower to do so) and then feeling frustrated that other people don’t “have to” make themselves smaller like I do because their true selves are already “good enough” for the people whose approval I’m seeking.
I have never heard anybody explain resentment like this. It helped a lot with putting things in perspective. Thank you so much. I will definitely try these contract exercises.
I work in customer service in a job where I have to do tasks, but have to drop them when a customer comes to the counter, and I have MASSIVE resentment in that scenario. Clearly I need to examine this.
Thank you for this video, for clearly setting out how to remedy that childhood 'conditioning'. After a lifetime of awful relationships, it was only a few years ago that I actually finally realised I wasn't supposed to tie myself up in perfect, partner-oriented knots in order to be 'rewarded' with love. (The, "but I did everything right, now do what you're supposed to do...", scenario 😢) Of course, I was easily lured by love bombing, and then manipulated and coerced. My confusion, co-dependence, and huge resentment were epic, all based in self-loathing from a childhood of emotional neglect. Enough of resentment, and "Yes!" to empowerment! Thank you for these insights, the excellent tools and strategies 🙏
My mom has that double standard about anger - she could get angry with me and chastise me for everything, but whenever I got and still get pissed off with her irrational blow-ups for petty stuff like me dropping sth accidentally, and frequent boundary-crossing and shutting me down when I say or do sth she doesn't approve. Pretty insidious! I ended up unable to express my anger for years and had to reconnect with that part of me as I had become very auto aggressive. Probably my entire family on my mother's side are Enneagram type 1s, me included, and all that bad-emotions suppression is now hideous to me. Especially the more securely attached I become. I rarely ever keep my mouth shut anymore if sth isn't ok.
My mom is exactly the same. She's explosive with her anger and it's the main emotion I ever remember her expressing, but one negative comment from me and I get barraged for it. I'm supposed to be perfect and never mad but she can be mad whenever she wants and it's always valid. It gave me the exact same type of issues with anger as you describe here and they're painful to deal with.
@@lucisangelum Hope you're dealing with it all right now. I learned how to express it now, but I still get blow-ups with her instead of expressing my anger in a healthy way, but it's a process. And when you have asked kindly a hundred times for certain things to stop and they didn't, eventually you get really mad. It's natural.
I have been experiencing this in most relationships due to people pleasing tendencies that compromised my boundaries. I lowered my guard and took on emotional work that didn't belong to me. I was under heavy mental pressure due to unemployment and other emotional concerns.
Me too, every word. And I'm still reaping what I sowed (though not I alone, and not you alone in your case either--let's not forget the other party's culpability too): just got a short, vaguely praising message a few hours ago from a situationship that broke off two weeks ago. Pretty confident she is breadcrumbing or worse, which is really sad because even though I realized she wasn't going to match me (in ways Heidi described here), I still held some hope that ending things could result in at least some of my respect for her salvaged. But here we are, and maybe this is an example of the emotional work that doesn't belong to me.
Life changing ❤ Thank you so much 😊🙏🏻 Great food for thought: "What would allow me to accept this person exactly as they are without growing resentful towards them?"
I’ve watched videos from a few different therapists, and I love how you bring a sense of empowerment and self accountability into a client’s thought patterns. That’s helped me heal and gain confidence a lot, thank you!
Ah, a new video. I did have a lot of resentment in my past, but I have been on a long healing journey and have finally able to let go of those feelings. I'm much more in touch with my own feelings and have improved my interpersonal relationship skills tremendously. I'm a much more authentic person now and for that I'm grateful.
I LOOOOVEEEE YOUR VIDEOS YOU ARE AMAZING! Thank you - I've been desperately trying to figure out my ongoing resentment with family members and bullying and going round and round in circles about this. Obviously my mind won't stop until I figure it out - even with applying boundaries I was obsessed with the why. Like, what is this really about. And it's resentment. Thank you for bringing the most amazing explanations about life on the internet. You need your own tv show - like a cooking show but with your psychological know how. Thank you again.
How is issuing a demand for tailored content an expression of gratitude for that which Ms Priebe autonomously produces? Why does the helpfulness of this content entitle the helped to control over the process of the helper?
This is the most sense I have ever heard regarding the topic of resentment. Thank you for making this so clear, so simple and so practical. You are gonna help a lot of people through this platform
This captivating video triggers a flood of painful memories from the end of my 6-year relationship just three months ago. The woman I loved with all my heart chose to walk away, leaving me grappling with an insurmountable sense of loss. Despite my relentless efforts to salvage what we had, I'm left feeling disillusioned and unable to imagine a future without her. Despite my attempts to move on , I'm drawn to express my deep-seated longing for her here .
The struggle to release someone dear to your heart is undeniably arduous. I empathize, having experienced a similar circumstance when my 8 year relationship concluded. Refusing to accept defeat, I pursued every conceivable avenue to reclaim his affection. Eventually, I sought the assistance of a spiritual counselor, whose wisdom and intervention played a pivotal role in reuniting us.
This is like the best college class ever. I could listen to you for hours! Even when I go back to an old video for the third time I still get something out of it. Thank you!!!
Such an insightful and helpful video! I love how it combines looking clearly at your own patterns without blaming or shaming yourself and gives concrete steps to take going forwards. I'm realising I've got unspoken contracts along the lines of "I will always be there for others' emotional pain, and in response I expect them to soothe mine" but then I kept associating with people who aren't really in touch with their emotions, and it morphs into "I will try to make you heal your emotional wounds so that you will become able to heal mine" which is destined to fail on so many levels. A more reasonable approach will be "I'll be there for the people in my life as best I can, and proportionate to how well they are able to be there for me." and "I'll ask explicitly if they want support in their healing journeys, and I will take responsibility for my own healing." This makes it feel so much cleaner and more hopeful! The other approach never worked and left me feeling burned out, resentful and pessimistic.
This bailing part really resonated with me, i sometimes lend people money and they dont pay back for a long time. My bf seems to expect me to take care of his emotions sometimes, i cannot really assess the situation properly i dont know what applies to my specific situation. Have no clue if i should or should not take care of his emotions and often do it because otherwise i feel bad. I know usually psychologists recommend to not take care of others emotions. It still does not feel quite right tho, everything is not black and white and not all situations should be handled in the same way. Recently i have started to try to set more boundaries inside my relationship. With people who i lent money i remeber who paid on time and who did not, to assess how much i can potentially trust them. But it depends on the case, if they prove why they could not pay at that time and it is a legitimate reason, then i might be more lenient. I hope this helps me with feeling less resentful towards many people.
I realise I think that other people are there to make you feel good about yourself - which is what i do. I make people feel good about themselves and then become resentful. but no you feel good around people from being with them and even better- from connection. Not because we help each other feel better about ourselves. Wow it's been a lifetime of me wondering what the hell was going on with people here. Damn. I've lived in resentment forever. Thank you.
Once again, Heidi thank you for your work. You have changed my life. I have read books you recommended and now in just a few short months, I'm in so much less pain. I'm the most regulated and content I've ever been. Thank you.
That uncanny timing….I’ve got several parts of my life that seem to be coming to a head simply because people are doing what they want or requesting what they want without considering how it might affect me. I’m in the middle of BUYING A HOUSE and checking in with affected people and it feels like the theme is: “Oh good for you! I’m going to expect this thing from you that gets in the way of the process because my expectations are not a big deal to me, but yeah I totally support you…just make sure you also do what I want!”
Been thinking about this video for the last day... a source of resentment I discovered in myself is something like "if they feel X, then I'm the one who is responsible to address their feelings otherwise I'm a bad person" (or I'll get yelled at) or something like that. Yes, I had a parent who was anxiously attached and a rager. Notice the statement doesn't necessarily indicate that I am the source of said feelings. Then I realized I have feelings of resentment around someone who, say, perceivably has a crush on me or otherwise desires some kind of connection from me, because NOW, *I* am the one who has to do something about it. But god forbid that I should have feelings towards someone (double standard that doesn't exist outside of my family) (just making my subconscious conscious lol). Don't know what to change it to. Maybe, "if they make an effort to act on their feelings, I may meet them halfway" or something? Like, maybe THEY should ask ME out, not the other way around.
Intersting, I recently bumped into this phenomena of someone being extremely resentful. Clearly that was brewing for a long time as it all of a sudden exploded, only for me to sit flabbergasted asking why this happened. Now I understand. This was a classic case of self-suppression on that person's part and lack of bounderies. Only to explode due to the build up resentment. Interesting. For me it was exhausting though, as I felt that suppression but could not put my finger on it, now I understand it. Glad it is over though. I feel like I can breathe again
Oh my GOD I just had a realization. So simple backstory: I dont like talking to people through text conversations due to exes. Im talking to someone right now and having anxiety during our text conversations, but also resentment which I didn't understand. Then you said that resentment stems from "expecting someone else to do something specific as a result" as reciprocal behavior, I think I'm resenting this person I otherwise like quite a bit because I'm expecting something nasty to come through these texts, and I'm getting frustrated that it's not due to my ingrained perception of how text conversations go. That's nasty how that goes. I need to work on that.
Simultaneously be gentle with yourself, as there's plenty of good reason to be self-protective too, even if sometimes that results in going a bit too far with it. We're only human. I need to do these things better for myself too.
Thank you! I've been getting into my emotions further, just getting mad instead of suppressing. I feel a lot better realizing why I expect things from others.
13:48 or, sometimes it's not even harboring resentment against the other person, it's having longstanding dysfunctional belief systems that you do not have inherent value in the eyes of others, confirmed. That's the one I struggle with. I'm the kind of person that for whatever reason would help a complete stranger, and so when I see people in my life who see that I'm going through a struggle and offer what I feel to be insufficient support, I end up using it to convince myself that they care less for me than I do for a stranger. Sometimes I'm right which makes it much more difficult to try and find that fine line to walk. Am I coming from a place of entitlement and am actually being taken advantage of? Or am I projecting? Or both? Or some fun third and possibly 7th thing? Who knows but Heidi will probably talk about it in the next video lol Edit 16:45 I just got to the part where we're supposed to do the they should do this because I do this part, and the first thing that came to my head was "they should care about me because I care about me and God damn it I'm worth it", and if that's not progress I don't know what is ಥ‿ಥ Granted I do need to make some adjustments, but that's a long way from self-loathing (I'm currently in the process of letting that relationship go)
Excellent video as always. Jung talks a lot about accessing our unconscious conscious and some of this video is doing this re unwritten contracts (which are often internalised rules from childhood). I hope Heidi has a nice life in her relationships, because she seems to understand a lot more than most people.
Oh my gosh. This is very good medicine. It doesn’t scapegoat or revictimize, it asks us to unearth and deeply consider all of our emotional motivations, then adapt our behaviors defensively ( maybe assertively is a better word), not offensively.
Your videos are brilliant, Heidi; this is exactly the topic that's running through my mind a lot at the moment. Time to ease up on the repression; it's not who I am. "Morality" is driving me insane. It's all arbitrary.
a) I found the comments early in the video interesting that Heidi doesn’t think anger and resentment are the same emotion. I really feel like my resentment stems from not allowing myself to say what I really think when I think something is not right for fear that the other person will end the situation entirely (whether it’s my romantic relationship or my employment). It leaves me fantasizing about telling them off in a mic drop moment. But I never do it, I always rationalize that I should stick it out awhile longer, that tolerating this imperfect situation is better than being out in the cold, alone (metaphorically). I’ve considered doing some radical honesty practice to develop some guts to speak up, but I think it would shatter my work, relationship, and housing situation.
I think you should search for how to be more assertive. Ask ChatGPT, it helps a lot. In my opinion you think you have two options: 1) you never say your opinion and cultivate resentment; 2) you say everything in the most dramatic way and lose relationships; There is a 3rd option: you say your opinion in a balanced way, giving reasonable arguments in your defense and with a nice quiet tone of the voice. Balance is the key.
Heidi can i request a video topic please? I know you're probably super busy with video ideas, but id really like to see you talking more about somatics and nervous system regulation. Like the focus on trauma, not from a cognitive lens but a somatic one. i know youve talked a little about it, but for me, learning about all this has been kind of the key turning the ignition on, if that makes sense, so i think it deserves a larger focus. And id really appreciate your views on it because, well, ur awesome! Thanks for all the work you do
Heidi, this was a great video! Thank you for sharing this info and giving examples of what we can do in order to help ourselves . I truly appreciate you and all you do on this channel.
The problem with being an emotionally supportive person and looking for emotionally supportive friends is that the people who like giving support to others sometimes don’t like getting emotional support or asking for it 😅
Thank you for that Heidi! I had a huge meltdown last night preceded by me bursting out on something unimportant. Only because I had overdone myself and bitterly resented my partner. This helps.
Wow thank you for your video. I have several insecurities I was not recognizing as insecurities.😊 I do think the hardest thing to do is the self-reflect when you're under the gun. And it doesn't have to be a lot of pressure but when you're in important and valuable conversations reflecting at the same time you're carrying on a conversation is never going to be easyish. But I am so ready to try😊❤❤❤
Oh Heidi. You are a truly a God send. Thank you for shining the light on so many important issues & challenges most every one must face in life, and teaching us how to sensibly face & address l them with reason and dignity. Resentment can be tricky and is often a fool’s errand. TBH - We are in essence, drinking poison and hoping the other person will suffer. Love or Fear - we get what we choose. I’m choosing love…. and Heidi! Happy holidays!
I appreciate having a video explaining exactly what I’ve been navigating through in my life as of lately. So much gratitude for all of your videos, but this one really hits SO deeply for me. Thank you for all you do🫶🏻🫶🏻
Dang, Heidi. Your hair is looking amazing. Also, good job on hitting this topic dead on the money. I swear you literally always sound like you're talking about exactly what I'm going through right now.
I've been working on this exact thing recently because my resentment has grown so much. The difficult part is that when I am authentic with my family, I get iced out. But I understand with these covert contracts that it isn't my issue and I just have to continue showing up authentically and let the cards fall as they will. But I'm often told by people in my system things like, "You always have to be right," or "I can never say anything right." And I've had to reflect to understand whether it was that I was actually being obstinate and not listening or if it was that they were upset whenever I had a differing opinion. And its the latter but I have blamed myself for nearly half a century that I'm just not saying things in the right way or that I'm wrong with my opinions. I can already feel the resentments lifting as I work on this, but it's probably the hardest growth work I've done.
Rly useful video essay. Gracias. Clarity of expression, simple, effective visuals. Rly good quality. Well thought out parsing of the issue. Very relevant and relatable examples. Danke.
Super clear and actionable. Brilliant. One of the less annoying self-help, self-awareness content out there. Thank you for that. (Dont know what kind of unconscious contract makes me so grateful to see you 😅)
I think a big elefant in the room when it comes to "choosing the people that share your values etc" is, that the pool of people who you can realisticly choose from are pretty limited when you are mentally ill. I struggle with depression and anxiety and work a job that leaves me pretty exhausted at the end of the day + hobbies. Where should I take these people from to choose? It sounds easy and logical in theory, but it is not so easy in reality.
You would have to rewrite a new contract that you would only engage with those that choose to care to engage with you. I too resented my parents for not caring. I had to realize I couldn’t beg them to care or beg for them to change into the parents I wanted. I know no one else can replace that desire to feel love from your parents. But it will be better finding those people who do care then to compromise myself
If you were not allowed to disagree with or stand up to your parents as a child, it’s easy to slip into relationship dynamics where you let people get away with doing things that make you resent them. True intimacy involves compromise - the conflicting wants and needs of two people act as checks and balances to one another. If you’re a people pleaser, you’ll make excuses for people who don’t treat you right without even knowing you’re letting them off the hook. And then get mad at them for it.
This is well-balanced. Good for you what you've grown through so far. I am here learning through a similar not allowed to disagree or stand up
I had this kind of dynamic in my previous relationship until ive got more upset with myself than with my partner. Now I spoke up for myself which she doesn't liked at all and unfortunately we broke up with bad blood. I stood up for myself and it feels good
This describes my life exactly. My parents (and older brother) didn’t tolerate anger in particular, so it had to be suppressed to not be rejected. My 82 yo mother still can’t tolerate anything but polite agreement so I still feel as though I can’t express my authentic self with her even though I’m now 53. I think it’s why I only can be around her for a certain period of time. Her father had anger issues and drank a lot so I think it may be why she couldn’t tolerate anger. But I did learn to suppress my true feelings and thoughts from most people and it has damaged a lot of relationships especially when they find out I have another side to me, and I’m not sweet and agreeable all the time. Usually that side will show itself when I’m under a lot of stress and can’t keep it under wraps anymore. It usually comes as a shock for people and then that’s often the end of that relationship/friendship.
Consider your words (& the underlying beliefs related to them). The words & actions of others do not “make us” do anything. The resentment is as a result of the unspoken contracts/beliefs Heidi is speaking of & come from within the individual with that contract/belief, not from the individual triggering the contract.
Just as anger that comes up when a boundary is crossed comes from within as a message/warning, not from the boundary crossing person “making” one angry.
😊
1. Be authentic
2. Set boundaries
3. Follow the law of mirroring
4. Use discernment
Thanks 😊
Your work is amazing. I make watching your videos homework for clients All the time.
LOVE this! i was growing resentful in my relationship and realized i simply was not explicitly setting boundaries. instead of stewing in insecure attachment, i instead clearly communicated to my partner my needs. at least i would be able to say i did my part! unfortunately, he did not meet my expectations/respect my boundaries even after clear communication -- but it made the split clear and rational to me, whereas leaving while in resentment would've been much more harmful and confusing. onwards and upwards!
"I will take my family members' opinions of me to heart, IF I believe that they taken the time to actually deeply get to know me, and are not just projecting what they want onto me." (Or -- I would add -- if they are not just making up stories about me to scapegoat me, to drain away the pain of the family and distract from the true issues.). "I won't take on this opinion of me, if I don't believe that the person presenting it to me was operating in good faith."
Ugh I’m just like that guy who expects his girlfriend never to express anger. My daily MO is, “I suck it up so why can’t you?” In fact, even as you were sharing that story, my immediate thought was “oh sure, who knows how she’d feel about her boyfriend constantly expressing anger towards her? Maybe she’d take it really well!”
I don’t really even see expressing intense emotion or anger or making requests of other people as an option, because the shame I have around those things naturally deters me. For avoidants, I also think making harsh judgements of other people is not just about the other person, but is a tool to keep that shame alive. Like maybe the guy who judges his girlfriend’s anger as immature is, on some level, using those judgements to maintain his own suppression.
Beware of taking this too far, Men have let women get away with far far too much lack of accountability.
And it is easy for women to gaslight us into believing everything is our fault. Are you really avoidant? or are the women around just not trustworthy? The second is very common.
A tool to keep the shame alive. 🔥 That just hit me.
Would not be the first time one partner is suppressing, and the other boils over.
This dynamic reminds me of that Einstein quote
"Energy cannot be created or destroyed, it can only be changed from one form to another"
I agree. Maybe that makes annoyance, judgement and resentment a useful tool for us. When we feel that, we can invite ourselves to think, “what deeper stuff am I suppressing with this right now?” Right?
Often we haven’t had healthy models for expressing anger. Understandable. But, when people express anger healthily and we react with unchecked resentment/disgust etc, (because it’s unfamiliar), we’re protecting ourselves from learning the very information we’re missing… preventing ourselves from learning better.
So, that rising discomfort is a good queue for us to challenge ourselves to be vulnerable and receptive to that person’s sincerity, including anger… and then to challenge ourselves to do that for our own difficult feelings too, rather than fighting them.
Heidi Priebe is truly a genius. Such insight that isn't obvious or available elsewhere, and so clearly explained!
Your legendary timing again...
That story about the boyfriend who wouldn't express anger and assume double standards struck a chord. I think I'm doing the same. I often catch myself thinking how my partner "would totally hate if I behaved the same way" - which may be true BUT at this point, I can only know that it is my assumption.
8:52 certainly is a German thing. Sei schön artig!
boah wenn ich das schon höre
(if you keep throwing this kind of heat, I worried I'm going to have an HP line item in my budget. Honestly, though, thanks. These are really terrific.)
"We can find some absolutely bonkers contracts inside of our unconscious minds; I have found some truly *bizarre* ones." What a hilarious and delightfully self-aware line!
This whole integrity series is SUCH A BUMMER, Heidi! In the best way, of course. Waking up to my Mt. Rushmore-ian lack of integrity (mostly with myself, but by extension to others) is no picnic, lemme tell ya! Necessary, and long overdue, but a picnic it ain't.
Thanks again.
What is your other favorite one on integrity? This is the first one I am watching
@kevinkurgansky4479
th-cam.com/video/TOGI3Zi7aX8/w-d-xo.htmlsi=5d-IEe7W43Eu0on6
This one is good.
Also the one titled "When vulnerability backfires". All are recent.
I’ve been struggling with what I thought was jealousy but after watching your video, learned that I was feeling resentful. This is really helping me move forward. I felt so stuck before.
Yes, probably anger too. As well as sadness. As well as fear. Underneath it.
In that order (almost always)
And we feel disrespected by how others handle it (which is a sign of a boundary needing to be put up thru the initial emotion of anger)
Then when we repress the anger, it turns into resentment
Repressed Anger turns into Resentment
Thank you for your incredible clarity and your ability to clearly articulate these very complex webs we weave. I am 71 yrs old and I astounded by the relevance of your topics. If only the therapists I worked with over the past 55 yr had been aware of these concepts and connections. Be well.
my ex resented me because i got hurt or sick or PMS’d approximately once a month and needed help from him, whether than meant going to the store for me an extra time, or cooking me food later at night, or getting me medicine. when he broke up with me he said he wouldnt ask that from me that often. it was very clearly “i supress X so others must also supress X”
I’m definitely guilty of feeling like I have to suppress myself (even if I don’t always have the willpower to do so) and then feeling frustrated that other people don’t “have to” make themselves smaller like I do because their true selves are already “good enough” for the people whose approval I’m seeking.
This is so timely for me. I’ve been dealing with resentment and today I told myself I needed to watch videos on the topic. Thanks, Heidi!
Same here, she knows all 😅
I have never heard anybody explain resentment like this. It helped a lot with putting things in perspective. Thank you so much. I will definitely try these contract exercises.
12:37 never want something more for someone then they want it for themselves if you want their motivation for that thing to grow
These videos always show up at the right time! I've spent the last year working on healing and growth thanks to finding your videos
I work in customer service in a job where I have to do tasks, but have to drop them when a customer comes to the counter, and I have MASSIVE resentment in that scenario. Clearly I need to examine this.
Thank you for this video, for clearly setting out how to remedy that childhood 'conditioning'.
After a lifetime of awful relationships, it was only a few years ago that I actually finally realised I wasn't supposed to tie myself up in perfect, partner-oriented knots in order to be 'rewarded' with love. (The, "but I did everything right, now do what you're supposed to do...", scenario 😢)
Of course, I was easily lured by love bombing, and then manipulated and coerced. My confusion, co-dependence, and huge resentment were epic, all based in self-loathing from a childhood of emotional neglect.
Enough of resentment, and "Yes!" to empowerment! Thank you for these insights, the excellent tools and strategies 🙏
It's the holiday season...we are getting the gift of frequent wisdom from Heidi! Thank you for the gifts!
My mom has that double standard about anger - she could get angry with me and chastise me for everything, but whenever I got and still get pissed off with her irrational blow-ups for petty stuff like me dropping sth accidentally, and frequent boundary-crossing and shutting me down when I say or do sth she doesn't approve. Pretty insidious! I ended up unable to express my anger for years and had to reconnect with that part of me as I had become very auto aggressive. Probably my entire family on my mother's side are Enneagram type 1s, me included, and all that bad-emotions suppression is now hideous to me. Especially the more securely attached I become. I rarely ever keep my mouth shut anymore if sth isn't ok.
Same here ✊🏼
My mom is exactly the same. She's explosive with her anger and it's the main emotion I ever remember her expressing, but one negative comment from me and I get barraged for it. I'm supposed to be perfect and never mad but she can be mad whenever she wants and it's always valid. It gave me the exact same type of issues with anger as you describe here and they're painful to deal with.
@@lucisangelum Hope you're dealing with it all right now. I learned how to express it now, but I still get blow-ups with her instead of expressing my anger in a healthy way, but it's a process. And when you have asked kindly a hundred times for certain things to stop and they didn't, eventually you get really mad. It's natural.
I have been experiencing this in most relationships due to people pleasing tendencies that compromised my boundaries. I lowered my guard and took on emotional work that didn't belong to me. I was under heavy mental pressure due to unemployment and other emotional concerns.
Me too, every word. And I'm still reaping what I sowed (though not I alone, and not you alone in your case either--let's not forget the other party's culpability too): just got a short, vaguely praising message a few hours ago from a situationship that broke off two weeks ago. Pretty confident she is breadcrumbing or worse, which is really sad because even though I realized she wasn't going to match me (in ways Heidi described here), I still held some hope that ending things could result in at least some of my respect for her salvaged. But here we are, and maybe this is an example of the emotional work that doesn't belong to me.
Anxiously attached - makes it super difficult to be critical and maintain autonomy with myself. Here's to healing. Tank you for all you give, HEidi!
Life changing ❤
Thank you so much 😊🙏🏻
Great food for thought: "What would allow me to accept this person exactly as they are without growing resentful towards them?"
I’ve watched videos from a few different therapists, and I love how you bring a sense of empowerment and self accountability into a client’s thought patterns. That’s helped me heal and gain confidence a lot, thank you!
Ah, a new video. I did have a lot of resentment in my past, but I have been on a long healing journey and have finally able to let go of those feelings. I'm much more in touch with my own feelings and have improved my interpersonal relationship skills tremendously. I'm a much more authentic person now and for that I'm grateful.
I LOOOOVEEEE YOUR VIDEOS YOU ARE AMAZING! Thank you - I've been desperately trying to figure out my ongoing resentment with family members and bullying and going round and round in circles about this. Obviously my mind won't stop until I figure it out - even with applying boundaries I was obsessed with the why. Like, what is this really about. And it's resentment. Thank you for bringing the most amazing explanations about life on the internet.
You need your own tv show - like a cooking show but with your psychological know how. Thank you again.
Perhaps she can cook food at the same time 🤣
How is issuing a demand for tailored content an expression of gratitude for that which Ms Priebe autonomously produces? Why does the helpfulness of this content entitle the helped to control over the process of the helper?
The amount of videos you released the last days are my best christmas gift.
Thank you for subtly giving instructions to anxious strategizers how to come around to what non-negotiables are...❤
This was incredibly eye opening, I never really thought about different types of resentment…..
I feel like this is too good to be true that Heidi is posting often. I am shook and feel spoilt
She tends to post in waves, at least over the last 14 months while I've been watching.
This is the most sense I have ever heard regarding the topic of resentment. Thank you for making this so clear, so simple and so practical. You are gonna help a lot of people through this platform
Oh my gosh the bit about anger from caregivers and not being able to express it 🤯
This captivating video triggers a flood of painful memories from the end of my 6-year relationship just three months ago. The woman I loved with all my heart chose to walk away, leaving me grappling with an insurmountable sense of loss. Despite my relentless efforts to salvage what we had, I'm left feeling disillusioned and unable to imagine a future without her. Despite my attempts to move on , I'm drawn to express my deep-seated longing for her here .
The struggle to release someone dear to your heart is undeniably arduous. I empathize, having experienced a similar circumstance when my 8 year relationship concluded. Refusing to accept defeat, I pursued every conceivable avenue to reclaim his affection. Eventually, I sought the assistance of a spiritual counselor, whose wisdom and intervention played a pivotal role in reuniting us.
Where did you find a spiritual counselor, and how can I get in touch with her?
Suzanne Ann Walters is the name of an exceptional spiritual counselor renowned for her ability to reunite you with your former partner.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online.
Damn parasites lol
This is like the best college class ever. I could listen to you for hours! Even when I go back to an old video for the third time I still get something out of it. Thank you!!!
Such an insightful and helpful video! I love how it combines looking clearly at your own patterns without blaming or shaming yourself and gives concrete steps to take going forwards. I'm realising I've got unspoken contracts along the lines of "I will always be there for others' emotional pain, and in response I expect them to soothe mine" but then I kept associating with people who aren't really in touch with their emotions, and it morphs into "I will try to make you heal your emotional wounds so that you will become able to heal mine" which is destined to fail on so many levels.
A more reasonable approach will be "I'll be there for the people in my life as best I can, and proportionate to how well they are able to be there for me." and "I'll ask explicitly if they want support in their healing journeys, and I will take responsibility for my own healing." This makes it feel so much cleaner and more hopeful! The other approach never worked and left me feeling burned out, resentful and pessimistic.
This bailing part really resonated with me, i sometimes lend people money and they dont pay back for a long time. My bf seems to expect me to take care of his emotions sometimes, i cannot really assess the situation properly i dont know what applies to my specific situation. Have no clue if i should or should not take care of his emotions and often do it because otherwise i feel bad. I know usually psychologists recommend to not take care of others emotions. It still does not feel quite right tho, everything is not black and white and not all situations should be handled in the same way. Recently i have started to try to set more boundaries inside my relationship. With people who i lent money i remeber who paid on time and who did not, to assess how much i can potentially trust them. But it depends on the case, if they prove why they could not pay at that time and it is a legitimate reason, then i might be more lenient. I hope this helps me with feeling less resentful towards many people.
I realise I think that other people are there to make you feel good about yourself - which is what i do. I make people feel good about themselves and then become resentful. but no you feel good around people from being with them and even better- from connection. Not because we help each other feel better about ourselves. Wow it's been a lifetime of me wondering what the hell was going on with people here. Damn. I've lived in resentment forever. Thank you.
Once again, Heidi thank you for your work. You have changed my life. I have read books you recommended and now in just a few short months, I'm in so much less pain. I'm the most regulated and content I've ever been. Thank you.
I don't know how you do it Heidi, but these just keep getting better and better!
Thank you for all you do! 😘🙏❤️
That uncanny timing….I’ve got several parts of my life that seem to be coming to a head simply because people are doing what they want or requesting what they want without considering how it might affect me. I’m in the middle of BUYING A HOUSE and checking in with affected people and it feels like the theme is: “Oh good for you! I’m going to expect this thing from you that gets in the way of the process because my expectations are not a big deal to me, but yeah I totally support you…just make sure you also do what I want!”
Been thinking about this video for the last day... a source of resentment I discovered in myself is something like "if they feel X, then I'm the one who is responsible to address their feelings otherwise I'm a bad person" (or I'll get yelled at) or something like that. Yes, I had a parent who was anxiously attached and a rager. Notice the statement doesn't necessarily indicate that I am the source of said feelings.
Then I realized I have feelings of resentment around someone who, say, perceivably has a crush on me or otherwise desires some kind of connection from me, because NOW, *I* am the one who has to do something about it. But god forbid that I should have feelings towards someone (double standard that doesn't exist outside of my family) (just making my subconscious conscious lol). Don't know what to change it to. Maybe, "if they make an effort to act on their feelings, I may meet them halfway" or something? Like, maybe THEY should ask ME out, not the other way around.
Thanks!
Intersting, I recently bumped into this phenomena of someone being extremely resentful. Clearly that was brewing for a long time as it all of a sudden exploded, only for me to sit flabbergasted asking why this happened. Now I understand. This was a classic case of self-suppression on that person's part and lack of bounderies. Only to explode due to the build up resentment. Interesting. For me it was exhausting though, as I felt that suppression but could not put my finger on it, now I understand it. Glad it is over though. I feel like I can breathe again
Oh my GOD I just had a realization. So simple backstory: I dont like talking to people through text conversations due to exes. Im talking to someone right now and having anxiety during our text conversations, but also resentment which I didn't understand. Then you said that resentment stems from "expecting someone else to do something specific as a result" as reciprocal behavior, I think I'm resenting this person I otherwise like quite a bit because I'm expecting something nasty to come through these texts, and I'm getting frustrated that it's not due to my ingrained perception of how text conversations go.
That's nasty how that goes. I need to work on that.
Simultaneously be gentle with yourself, as there's plenty of good reason to be self-protective too, even if sometimes that results in going a bit too far with it. We're only human. I need to do these things better for myself too.
Thank you!
I've been getting into my emotions further, just getting mad instead of suppressing. I feel a lot better realizing why I expect things from others.
You’re killin it Heidi! Huge high five and atta girl!! Thankful for your perspective and helpful wisdom.
13:48 or, sometimes it's not even harboring resentment against the other person, it's having longstanding dysfunctional belief systems that you do not have inherent value in the eyes of others, confirmed. That's the one I struggle with.
I'm the kind of person that for whatever reason would help a complete stranger, and so when I see people in my life who see that I'm going through a struggle and offer what I feel to be insufficient support, I end up using it to convince myself that they care less for me than I do for a stranger.
Sometimes I'm right which makes it much more difficult to try and find that fine line to walk. Am I coming from a place of entitlement and am actually being taken advantage of? Or am I projecting? Or both? Or some fun third and possibly 7th thing? Who knows but Heidi will probably talk about it in the next video lol
Edit 16:45 I just got to the part where we're supposed to do the they should do this because I do this part, and the first thing that came to my head was "they should care about me because I care about me and God damn it I'm worth it", and if that's not progress I don't know what is ಥ‿ಥ Granted I do need to make some adjustments, but that's a long way from self-loathing (I'm currently in the process of letting that relationship go)
Could not be better timing for me to watch this, thank you!!
Excellent video as always. Jung talks a lot about accessing our unconscious conscious and some of this video is doing this re unwritten contracts (which are often internalised rules from childhood). I hope Heidi has a nice life in her relationships, because she seems to understand a lot more than most people.
Oh my gosh. This is very good medicine. It doesn’t scapegoat or revictimize, it asks us to unearth and deeply consider all of our emotional motivations, then adapt our behaviors defensively ( maybe assertively is a better word), not offensively.
This is life changing information. Thank you Heidi! Is there source material or did you come up with this yourself?
Woke to this video this morning while actively experiencing this. Wow. Excellent timing.
Your videos are brilliant, Heidi; this is exactly the topic that's running through my mind a lot at the moment. Time to ease up on the repression; it's not who I am. "Morality" is driving me insane. It's all arbitrary.
Thank you so much
a) I found the comments early in the video interesting that Heidi doesn’t think anger and resentment are the same emotion. I really feel like my resentment stems from not allowing myself to say what I really think when I think something is not right for fear that the other person will end the situation entirely (whether it’s my romantic relationship or my employment). It leaves me fantasizing about telling them off in a mic drop moment. But I never do it, I always rationalize that I should stick it out awhile longer, that tolerating this imperfect situation is better than being out in the cold, alone (metaphorically). I’ve considered doing some radical honesty practice to develop some guts to speak up, but I think it would shatter my work, relationship, and housing situation.
I think you should search for how to be more assertive. Ask ChatGPT, it helps a lot. In my opinion you think you have two options: 1) you never say your opinion and cultivate resentment; 2) you say everything in the most dramatic way and lose relationships; There is a 3rd option: you say your opinion in a balanced way, giving reasonable arguments in your defense and with a nice quiet tone of the voice. Balance is the key.
Heidi can i request a video topic please? I know you're probably super busy with video ideas, but id really like to see you talking more about somatics and nervous system regulation. Like the focus on trauma, not from a cognitive lens but a somatic one. i know youve talked a little about it, but for me, learning about all this has been kind of the key turning the ignition on, if that makes sense, so i think it deserves a larger focus. And id really appreciate your views on it because, well, ur awesome! Thanks for all the work you do
This helps me to truly see and mourn a lifetime of intimacy struggle. Damn. Bitter sweet when eyes can see.
Great addition to journaling. Looking forward to discovering the crazy contracts within me. Thanks!
Heidi, this was a great video! Thank you for sharing this info and giving examples of what we can do in order to help ourselves . I truly appreciate you and all you do on this channel.
This affirmed that I am doing a good job paying attention to my feelings and noticing what makes me feel these ways!
The problem with being an emotionally supportive person and looking for emotionally supportive friends is that the people who like giving support to others sometimes don’t like getting emotional support or asking for it 😅
😮
This really hit home with me! Thanks for your insight & wisdom!
Thank you for that Heidi! I had a huge meltdown last night preceded by me bursting out on something unimportant. Only because I had overdone myself and bitterly resented my partner. This helps.
This is golden and right on time. Thank you so much!
Wow thank you for your video. I have several insecurities I was not recognizing as insecurities.😊 I do think the hardest thing to do is the self-reflect when you're under the gun. And it doesn't have to be a lot of pressure but when you're in important and valuable conversations reflecting at the same time you're carrying on a conversation is never going to be easyish. But I am so ready to try😊❤❤❤
Oh Heidi. You are a truly a God send. Thank you for shining the light on so many important issues & challenges most every one must face in life, and teaching us how to sensibly face & address l them with reason and dignity. Resentment can be tricky and is often a fool’s errand. TBH - We are in essence, drinking poison and hoping the other person will suffer. Love or Fear - we get what we choose. I’m choosing love…. and Heidi! Happy holidays!
I appreciate having a video explaining exactly what I’ve been navigating through in my life as of lately.
So much gratitude for all of your videos, but this one really hits SO deeply for me.
Thank you for all you do🫶🏻🫶🏻
Thank you so much, Heidi for your hard work and lucidity. It has helped me so much! Xx
Always superbly explained and really mind-expanding. Thank you, Heidi.
Dang, Heidi. Your hair is looking amazing.
Also, good job on hitting this topic dead on the money. I swear you literally always sound like you're talking about exactly what I'm going through right now.
Extremely helpful. Thankyou.
I've been working on this exact thing recently because my resentment has grown so much. The difficult part is that when I am authentic with my family, I get iced out. But I understand with these covert contracts that it isn't my issue and I just have to continue showing up authentically and let the cards fall as they will. But I'm often told by people in my system things like, "You always have to be right," or "I can never say anything right." And I've had to reflect to understand whether it was that I was actually being obstinate and not listening or if it was that they were upset whenever I had a differing opinion. And its the latter but I have blamed myself for nearly half a century that I'm just not saying things in the right way or that I'm wrong with my opinions. I can already feel the resentments lifting as I work on this, but it's probably the hardest growth work I've done.
I love the graphic. Visualizing the graphic helps me understand the concept, recall it, and apply it.
Thank you again Heidi. Great insight and delivery 🚚
This super helpful! Thanks!
So helpful thank you for doing your work
So insightful! Thank you! 🙏🏼
Thank you Heidi! This is really helpful in my self-reparenting journey! ❤
Rly useful video essay. Gracias. Clarity of expression, simple, effective visuals. Rly good quality.
Well thought out parsing of the issue.
Very relevant and relatable examples.
Danke.
Thanks Priebe - another great one. Well thought out, written and presented. A++
Excellent. Very clear and illuminating.
Youre so good ay explaining complex things! Thank you
Super clear and actionable. Brilliant. One of the less annoying self-help, self-awareness content out there. Thank you for that. (Dont know what kind of unconscious contract makes me so grateful to see you 😅)
Great topic! I wish you could share more about where you get this information from because I'd love to learn more for myself!
Thanks for share Heidi, wonderful work, bless you.
I think a big elefant in the room when it comes to "choosing the people that share your values etc" is, that the pool of people who you can realisticly choose from are pretty limited when you are mentally ill. I struggle with depression and anxiety and work a job that leaves me pretty exhausted at the end of the day + hobbies. Where should I take these people from to choose? It sounds easy and logical in theory, but it is not so easy in reality.
what if i resent my parents and the subconcious contract is that I expect them to be loving and engaged with me but they just dont seem to care?
I feel this. Here’s my implicit contract that I’ve been struggling with:
“My parents should care about my feelings because they are my parents.”
You would have to rewrite a new contract that you would only engage with those that choose to care to engage with you. I too resented my parents for not caring. I had to realize I couldn’t beg them to care or beg for them to change into the parents I wanted. I know no one else can replace that desire to feel love from your parents. But it will be better finding those people who do care then to compromise myself
Excellent! Thank you for this.
This is soooooo gooood. Well in Finland we have same kind of problems with suppressing emotions. I have not recognized my anger or resentment at all.
This video is brilliant. Thank you
This is one of the most helpful videos I've seen in a while thank you
Great video, thanks. ❤
You have the best content!!! Thank you for making this video!
I found the exercise really useful for me, thanks!
Merry Christmas! After my workout routine this is the highlight of my day! Thank you
wow you nailed it for me by explaining it very well
Thank you for this video
most helpful self help channel on youtube 🙏
Thank you!! I so needed this.