how your boyfriend became your brand.

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  • เผยแพร่เมื่อ 24 ธ.ค. 2024
  • Are our partners brand extensions? Should we need the approval of others for our choice of partner? Let's chat about how celebrity culture means whether he's "marriage material" is all about marketing, and how the trickle down effects could get to us.
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ความคิดเห็น • 286

  • @annabelle42688
    @annabelle42688 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +2651

    This reminded me of how parts of society will judge a single mother for not choosing a good partner/parent for her kids and not judge the man for being a poor partner/parent to his kids and spouse.

    • @piptig5327
      @piptig5327 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +23

      !!!!!!!

    • @raahimas2776
      @raahimas2776 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +136

      part of this probably stems from people projecting their own fears about how easily they might choose a bad partner for themselves. they want to make themselves feel better by acting like it is a stupid decision easily made and they’ll never do that themselves. maybe??

    • @visitingstatue171
      @visitingstatue171 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +13

      @@raahimas2776 that's a really good point

    • @Hello-hello-hello456
      @Hello-hello-hello456 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +32

      @@raahimas2776It might be that for some people but it's mostly sexism at the end of the day

    • @cesar6447
      @cesar6447 3 หลายเดือนก่อน

      But, nah, for real, how can women say they have a 6th sense, that they are the smart sex, that the know better but all of that disappear when she's picking a man?

  • @BryonyClaire
    @BryonyClaire 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +2494

    "Stop judging women by how they're treated by men" YES, A THOUSAND TIMES YES

    • @dianeyoung8130
      @dianeyoung8130 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +79

      I feel that's not a very fair statement. I am assuming that she is referring to tswift by the way she prefaced that statement and if it is then "if they said something a bit uncouth on a podcast" is a pretty big understatement. 1) what was said on the podcast was not just "a bit uncouth" call a spade a spade it was racist. 2) Dating someone who says racist things implies that at best you do not care if your significant other is a racist and at worst that you agree. That's not judging a woman based on how she is treated by a man, that's judging a woman based on the partner she chooses to align herself with and thereby admitting to what she is okay with.

    • @BryonyClaire
      @BryonyClaire 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +12

      @@dianeyoung8130 I was quoting what Leena said at the end of the video, which isn't at all to do with what you're raising above :)

    • @dianeyoung8130
      @dianeyoung8130 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +5

      @@BryonyClaire did you keep listening because it was and she quotes tswift shortly after?

    • @benevolentcirce4863
      @benevolentcirce4863 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +36

      For some reason that reminds of Angèle (Belgian singer) who wrote songs about feminism, the way men treat women, and then was shamed because her BROTHER was accused of SA. She was blamed…for her brother’s behaviour. Unhinged

    • @yerma6149
      @yerma6149 3 หลายเดือนก่อน

      this🫵🏻

  • @catcreme
    @catcreme 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +1178

    this reminds me of a woman I met a while ago. she found out her husband was cheating on her after 10 years of marriage, and the thing she was most disappointed by was that it seemed like everyone around her knew about it but didn't tell her.
    if it happened to me, I would love for my family or friends to tell me things like this.

    • @amberglow7612
      @amberglow7612 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +138

      This is like a double betrayal...
      I hope she's doing good and has better friends now

    • @JessicasCreativeSpot
      @JessicasCreativeSpot 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +47

      I had one friend from high school tell me that she didn't think I should get married so quickly, that it wasn't enough time to get to know him and that we hadn't lived together yet.
      I loved her for it.
      I also figured she was projecting her own relationship on us (they'd been together longer and not engaged yet).
      This is where pre marriage counselling, and asking the hard questions before even getting engaged is helpful. We went through "101 questions to ask before you get engaged" and because of that, I knew enough about this guy that I was happy to move forward and help him with his dreams and have him help with mine. I knew enough about him and us that I could comfortably say thank you to my friend and that we'd still be getting married ❤

    • @gaj30
      @gaj30 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +38

      sometimes i think people think you know what’s going on and / or just don’t want to get involved in your personal situation. there are women in abusive relationships that get angry if you try to help or say anything about it. i think everyone now knows things but just don’t want to get involved at all

    • @oda_margrethe
      @oda_margrethe 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +15

      This happened to me - after finally getting out of a bad relationship, my friend (who used to be my best friend) told me about some of the things he had done and said to other girls (my friends, not his) while we were together. Nobody had told me at the time, and that made me feel the worst and the most alone.

    • @cesar6447
      @cesar6447 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +16

      Bc getting in the middle of a relationship only ends up with you getting the blame, like, it happened to me multiple times, a friend breaks up with their partner and I tell them my experience with them, how I knew they were bad for them, and all of that for them to get back together and I'm the villain of their story

  • @elisecollins8467
    @elisecollins8467 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +831

    this perspective does make me realise that we're weirdly 19th century about women's relationships again - we may not be straight up mrs bennett telling our girls they must marry a man with wealth and social status regardless of their feelings or they'll be cast out of polite society, but we ARE putting a lot of pressure and judgement on women to only ever go near the 'right kind of man' on pain of cancellation, which feels like it comes from a similar place of purity and snobbery in the guise of 'just wanting to protect them'

    • @maggiebookworm
      @maggiebookworm 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +48

      Such a good point. And it makes me wonder if celebrities, and through trickle-down effect influencers, are starting to date and marry more like arranged marriages because it's good (some might even say necessary) for their brand!

    • @graceodonnell6167
      @graceodonnell6167 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +2

      fr

  • @joelharris4399
    @joelharris4399 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +1192

    Twenty-first century "romance" is heavily invested in personal branding. You're onto something...

    • @samiraschwannecke678
      @samiraschwannecke678 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +9

      That is a really great summary and pitch for the video. I will use that to recommend it to my friends :D

    • @joelharris4399
      @joelharris4399 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +1

      @@samiraschwannecke678 No problem🙏

  • @genevievehelena58
    @genevievehelena58 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +729

    "we should stop judging women on how they are treated by men" YES. i'm honestly frightened of the rhetoric of "you can tell how much a woman loves herself by the man she allows in her life"... as if her character is determined by someone else? ew. not even to mention the victim-blaming that can follow from that

    • @ricebeansrockroll882
      @ricebeansrockroll882 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +40

      I wish we could stop judging people for not loving themselfs too.
      Like... ok so she dosen't love herself, she keeps meeting men who confirms her fears, is she _nice_ though? Like if she is _that's_ what you need to know!
      If she is the nicest, smartest, most loving lady, WHY judge her on her ability to love herself? There is obviously trauma there, why pile on!?

    • @cesar6447
      @cesar6447 3 หลายเดือนก่อน

      I mean, if a person is sleeping in the same bed with a nazi, you can't expect her to be anything different, like, I would never sleep with a nazi

    • @eddyalonsomoramorales6069
      @eddyalonsomoramorales6069 2 หลายเดือนก่อน +4

      You can tell how much a women loves herself based on the men she allows in her life
      Um
      That’s generally truth????if you have shitty men in your life that probably means you don’t love yourself right???im struggling to find the issue on this🙄it goes both ways tho I would not say only men but also women

    • @genevievehelena58
      @genevievehelena58 2 หลายเดือนก่อน +3

      @@eddyalonsomoramorales6069 its an oversimplification/generalisation, it reduces peoples identity / self-worth to their relationship status and can be very harmful if applied to the context of abusive relationships. i understand that its a comforting thing to believe its that simple, but i don't agree with it.

    • @eddyalonsomoramorales6069
      @eddyalonsomoramorales6069 2 หลายเดือนก่อน +1

      @@genevievehelena58 you can tell how much a women loves herself by the man she allows in her life is oversimplistic but saying is not truth at all isn’t ???
      It make sense or not depending of the context
      So again I don’t see the issue you see🤷‍♂️
      The people you allow in your life could be a direct example of your caracter
      Your empathy your morals your self love etc
      A women and the treatment she allows could be a very big sign of her self love
      Perhaps could,generally,maybe or probably are the words that saying is lacking

  • @theclairemalkie6496
    @theclairemalkie6496 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +546

    It took me months to decide to break up with my ex bc I was worried what my friends/ family would think. They all thought he was the best and I was worried people would judge me for leaving such a “good” guy

    • @TheHanification
      @TheHanification 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +51

      This is so interesting - it works both ways clearly!

    • @medkip
      @medkip 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +67

      i've def had these experiences with family too! i remember when i broke up with a longtime partner (my choice + i was mostly happy about it), most of my family was super sad and apologetic while one relative said "good, you don't need him!" and i found it oddly refreshing 😅

    • @thekatvita
      @thekatvita 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +27

      I love that my family are ride or die for me and are perfectly ready to be haters when it comes to my breakups. It’s borderline toxic that they’re ready to shove anyone in the trash the minute I wanna break up with them, even if the person is pretty cool. They have always been people who are “we love YOU, anyone else is an accessory”.
      And they love my fiance. But even then, he’s secondary to me (to them). His family is the same (I’m secondary to him).
      I’ve had the experience of friends dumping me because I broke up with frankly horrible men who were seemingly “amazing”. That shit sucked. Then years later that man’s shitty nature is revealed and once in a while I’ll get the “oh sorry” and it’s like “yeah this is irrelevant now, coulda used this when I lost all my friends at 19, thanks”.

    • @Mienarrr
      @Mienarrr 3 หลายเดือนก่อน

      been through that before too, sosososo weird

    • @bandanarathore
      @bandanarathore 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +7

      It was the opposite for me, my first bf in college was total opposite of pretty, but I got fed up of his lack of qualities and toxic behaviour and his lack of personal growth while I was growing in all ways. But I was afraid that if I break up with him my 'friends' will think I am breaking up with him because he is 'not pretty '. I had to drag the relationship for almost 2 years and suffered so much because of it.
      If I had broken up with him earlier with him it would have been easy for both of us. But the breakup later was a mess because of built up of so much resentment in me and him feeling there is nothing wrong with us.
      Do what feels the best to you.

  • @FranFellow731
    @FranFellow731 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +423

    My husband is a wonderful person but he’s very unconventional in appearance, opinions, priorities and is neurodivergent. He’s spent about 4 years trying to figure out how he wants to financially contribute to the home in a way that he can cope with mentally and emotionally and I’ve let him have his time unemployed to figure shit out while I’ve continued working. Financially this has been totally manageable for us and I want him to be happy. I’ve spent entirely too much time thinking about how his actions reflect on me, and a lot of time apologizing for or explaining him to people. But he’s special to me, and those factors are often what make him so, and the people closest to me have made the effort to see and accept him and they love him. I don’t need my random coworker’s or the random girl in my book club’s validation of my relationship but man, people still like to judge you especially when it comes to a marriage. Thank god we don’t have kids I can’t imagine how that would go over. Very glad I’m not viewed by the general internet public.

    • @ayala0023
      @ayala0023 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +24

      well there is a lot of lazy men (or people in general) out there so it makes sense people would be concerned for you. inequality in relationships should be concerning and what youre describing sounds like inequality

    • @Mienarrr
      @Mienarrr 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +38

      @@ayala0023but at the same time, if she says she is fine with how things are, of course considering he isnt abusive, then that is ALL that matters.

    • @four4ces
      @four4ces 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +17

      I relate to this a lot. My partner of 7 years is neurodivergent in a way that can be socially off putting for other people and we have unconventional boundaries with each other with how honest we are and to account for his sensory issues. We are both so happy but I've found myself defending our relationship to others when I really shouldn't have to. Just because you wouldn't enjoy my relationship doesn't mean I don't.

    • @gilly_axolotl
      @gilly_axolotl 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +28

      People are all about "mental health matters" until it's a depressed and/or neurodivergent straight man not "providing" for his gf/wife. So many layers of ablesism and sexism.
      Super happy for the two of you though!

    • @junpi8562
      @junpi8562 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +11

      @@ayala0023 But it's not necessarily. There are neurodivergent people in my family who cannot cope with college, cannot cope with work. It's genuinely too much for them, but it doesn't mean they have nothing to offer as people and that they don't do anything worthwhile with their time.

  • @theunicornrainbow363
    @theunicornrainbow363 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +139

    As somebody who was in a physically abusive relationship:
    'How could she let him treat her this way?'
    'But she always seemed so independent to me.'
    'And she honestly thought he loved her...'
    'I would never let a man do that to me.'
    'She could have just gone. Didn't she know that.'
    All sentences that have been said about me.
    Oh yeah, you would have never had my silly problem?!? Too bad I'm not you, Betty.

  • @cma.ksiezycowa
    @cma.ksiezycowa 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +174

    "we should stop judging women on how they are treated by men" YES!!
    I'm too tired rn to put all my thoughts regarding this into words but I absolutely agree with this

  • @ionlydressthatway
    @ionlydressthatway 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +202

    Maybe part of why dating seems so linked to branding these days is that dating apps/online dating heavily relies on people putting together a profile that will attract other people to them, and what else is that except personal branding?! It's essentially putting together an advert for yourself and you only have space for a handful of sentences and a few pictures which doesn't leave much room for nuance.

  • @lfior
    @lfior 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +388

    I love the promising “this story starts with Rushi Sunak” opening line

    • @daidipyaa
      @daidipyaa 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +4

      It's actually*'Rishi' but yeah the pronunciation got me 💀

    • @RossoAmareno
      @RossoAmareno 3 หลายเดือนก่อน

      ​@@daidipyaaI always thought it was rushi...💀

  • @samanthaburns6956
    @samanthaburns6956 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +252

    Dolly Partons husband exists but he has only done a handful of public apperances. Obviously we are talking about a different era of Celebrity but there exists a world where maybe we can apprecieate famous peoples boundries and respect them

    • @h8dali
      @h8dali 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +2

      had no idea she was married 😮

  • @CaptainPygar
    @CaptainPygar 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +88

    I had a friend whose partner gave right away creepy vibes. He was emotionally and physically abusive. We tried to warn her when we clocked the manipulative behaviout and raised the issue but she was not in a place to hear.
    He was horrible to her friends in some many ways I don't even remembet all and even slapped one. But she was standing by him and making excuses. That broke my trust in her. I can't ever understand the bad place she was in. But it was scary and heartbreaking to realise my friend will "stand my her mam" even if he would harm me. I once stoop up to to someone else the guy was harming and my friend called and yelled at me.
    I never told my friend how the guy tried to sexually harass me because I knew it would have not made any difference.
    After they broke-up her new partner was lovely. But I just couldn't let myself fully trust him.
    So yes if you are letting a shitty and harmfull person to have access to me I will judge for putting me in danger. I don't care if that person is your partner, parent, cousin...

    • @sillygirl242
      @sillygirl242 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +9

      Right like???
      I don't get this video

  • @raccoonsnacks
    @raccoonsnacks 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +280

    There's a quote from Zora Neale Hurston. From her memoir Dust tracks On A Road: "Love, I find, is like singing. Everybody can do enough to satisfy themselves, though it may not impress the neighbours as being very much." I think about that often, especially if I feel weirdly anxious about what someone else might think about my romantic relationship or close friendship.

    • @fardousahmed5152
      @fardousahmed5152 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +3

      Thank you for sharing this.

  • @komiaribs
    @komiaribs 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +84

    This conversation reminds me about the idea that "one can't take full responsibility for their partner," and that being in a relationship with someone doesn't mean you endorse how they act. In the same way I can't control how a family member acts, I can't control my partner (and I think it's scary to want to do that..). BUT I can (at least try to) control whether or not they are a part of my life. If a family member effs up, they might get cut out or at least shunned, as a partner or friend would similarly be broken up with. But I think the difference in this is that you can technically denounce your family (their actions and associations with you) because family (oftentimes) wasn't chosen by you in the first place and therefore their behaviour can be excused. But denouncing people (friends/partners) who you have specifically *chosen* to bring into your life, seems to put more of the blame of the issues on you, "for picking a bad egg," even if you are trying to get out of a bad situation.
    Like for example, a family member being a surprise n*z!, isn't as bad as a friend/partner being one, because a friend/partner is chosen, and therefore shouldn't bring any such surprises. You wouldn't be judged for an asshole relative, because you can't control that (even though technically you *can* control who you associate with, but socially might not be able to), but you can control how your partner acts (- except.. you can't. And shouldn't. BUT you *can* control who you choose as a partner, which I think is the crux of it all)
    Then again, sometimes breaking up with family one can be judged even more harshly than when one is being blamed for their shitty friend/partner especially if "blood ties" are seen as profound in creating relationships. In my experience though, both friends and family can bring trouble, and it's not wrong to cut someone out in order to protect yourself from greater harm - whatever other people may say.

    • @eliza.the.earthling
      @eliza.the.earthling 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +6

      This is very true and nuanced and I totally agree !

  • @GlassesBooksCookies
    @GlassesBooksCookies 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +129

    I think the example of Karina falls a little outside of what you're talking about here and is instead part of a whole other messed up topic.
    As an idol, Karina (unfortunately) falls into a long long line of other idols (both male and female) who have had to apologise for being in relationships (or who have had their careers ruined over them). It's much less about the partner potentially reflecting badly on the idol and much more about how idols are marketed as being the fans' boyfriend/girlfriend and them being in a relationship breaking that illusion.

    • @samiraschwannecke678
      @samiraschwannecke678 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +20

      I agree with you!
      But the video also made me think about how the (potential future) reputation of a romantic partner is a motivator for the AGENCIES to force their idols out of dating too. Some idols and former trainees are very public about the level of control esp. restrictions they have to face in the industry. Dieting, no driving, harsh schedules, no dating, no phones, ... A romantic partner's actions would be much harder to control (especially when they are part of a different agency or industry). If idols would be able to date more publicly not only would agencies suffer from the loss of parasocial relationships between fans and idols in the fictional-partner fashion but also from their partners' reputations, I believe.
      That was not mentioned in the video but I believe that's how the branding of idols in the K-Pop industry could also be linked to the video's discussion.

    • @samiraschwannecke678
      @samiraschwannecke678 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +12

      But I think you are right, that the marketing of a parasocial relationship probably is the bigger motivator. If it had much to do with the reputation of the person it shouldn't be a problem if two (especially new and in that way 'unproblematic') idols dated each other as they are taught to behave in quite uncontroversial and non-confrontational ways. But, as of my knowledge, there was quite a range of relationships that proved that fans had a problem with that too.

    • @GlassesBooksCookies
      @GlassesBooksCookies 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +8

      @@samiraschwannecke678 Oh definitely, I can imagine that the reputation of an idol's partner does play a role on the agencies side, especially if you think of the few idols who HAVE been able to date openly and be accepted by fans (Sooyoung and Kyung Ho, Woorim and Kim Yuna are the ones that I can think of off the top of my head). There's no doubt in my mind that when a relationship finally does go public there's a lot of calculations at play about whether the branding will work.
      That being said, the reason I made the comment is because I think it's important to make the distinction between what's happening with Taylor/Sabrina/Simone Biles/other western female celebrities and their partners and what happens with k-pop idols because the fan reactions come from very different (pop/fan)-cultural backgrounds and histories and are not necessarily equivalent.
      (If there is a comparison to be drawn, Hyuna would probably be a good one given the negative reaction to her relationship is very much based on the reputation of her current partner)

    • @maishaahmed915
      @maishaahmed915 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +2

      Ah yes, the actress Kim Tae Hee had heaps of scorn put upon her for dating and marrying Rain because he was a pop star and not a fellow actor or rich businessman. The famous soccer player, Son Heungmin, had to break up with his girlfriend because his fans disapproved of her. She used to be a K-pop idol, and that somehow disqualified her from being his gf.

    • @michellequiroz5496
      @michellequiroz5496 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +3

      I agree with you but I remember a lot of kr mys were ok with her dating, obviously there's a lot of psycho fans but having been a kpop fan I feel like the korean perception of idols dating has change A LITTLE BIT in the sense that "older" idols as in: people with at least 5 years into their career like Karina are given a little bit more leeway. I remember some KR articles calling SM old fashioned for forcing her to apologize. In my opinion I feel like idols who have good images who date people of similarly good images are given a pass to date. Meanwhile when a freshly debuted idol is discovered dating like RIIZE' Seunghan it's looked down bc newly debuted idols are expected to play up the idol/fan fantasy. I feel like the layer of seniority in SK society is not really considered in that discussion. A somewhat similar case to Sabrina Carpenter might be RED VELVET'S Joy who has a really good image to the general public. She started dating well into her career, her relationship with Crush initially well received (despite the visual differences comments, people were generally positive about them), and Joy also has a feminist image to her fans which is why people were iffy when Crush started making weird comments about getting with her and his antiblack attitude was found out, and at the end reveluvs were kinda begging her to drop him to show that she wasn't like him.

  • @emel3925
    @emel3925 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +7

    I think this is a fascinating topic, i have so many complicated thoughts about this.
    My mom and i were just talking about some of the sexist jerks who have married into our extended family. It does really suck when someone you care about chooses to be with someone you really dislike. Obviously it’s their choice, but also it means you’re forced to either put up with their partner’s behavior or you’ll likely end up distancing yourself from them.
    Additionally, there have been some men I’ve dated that have had red flags I was blind to, but my friends noticed and it was SO helpful to me. I think it usually is a pretty important thing to pay attention to if your closest friends/family dislike your partner….

    • @360shadowmoon
      @360shadowmoon 2 หลายเดือนก่อน +1

      Yeah. Unfortunately, I have become distant from one of my friends because she decided to marry someone I don’t get along with and it causes a strain on our friendship.

  • @jacquelinewalsh5684
    @jacquelinewalsh5684 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +229

    I hope this doesn't seem like bringing drama to your comments, but I disagree with some parts of this video (even though it's very thought-provoking!) While I respect the desire to steer clear of the Matty Healy x TS mess, I think that when you're referencing songs about him you kind of have to talk about it, and it was danced around in this vid. Taylor Swift is both a brand and a person. She intentionally plays into the brand because she's a marketing genius / business cat / whatever, and while the parasocial relationships fans have with her absolutely get out of hand, it would just be untrue to suggest that she hasn't worked hard to make people this obsessed with her (as a brand). When she chooses to go out with someone like Matty Healy, that is a choice. Judging her for associating with him isn't "judging a woman for how a man treats her," it's judging her for the behavior that she deemed excusable enough to publicly incorporate this man into her brand. It's absolutely probable that Matty Healy was manipulative and douchey to her, and that wasn't nice of him, but it tells us something about her character (you might say it reveals a crack in her brand as liberal ally Biden cookie girl) that she began a relationship with him despite all the gross stuff he does. There's no way her PR team wasn't informing her of all his scandals and actions. She decided that she still wanted him, and I would argue that denying that is denying TS her agency. Feminism shouldn't be about finding ways to frame women as the victims in every scenario. Publicly being with an openly misogynistic man, without ever publicly criticizing his misogyny (not even after a pretty brutal breakup), should call into question your feminist status. From my perspective, her good name is hers alone to disgrace, and she did disgrace it with her actions re: matty healy.
    On the other hand, even as I was writing that, I felt a little icky for being so consumed with the behavior of this woman (and man) I don't know at all. This video points out a lot of legitimately questionable stuff going on in our society, but when it comes to that specific case study, I think dismissing the criticism as people "judging a woman for how she's treated by a man" isn't accurate.

    • @LAFA_babe
      @LAFA_babe 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +84

      When I heard "judging women for how men treat them", I realised that reality was being skewed to relief certain women of their responsibility in actively choosing the men they were or are with. Most of pop culture "judged" these women because of their association with men that are arguably not good people, not for how they were treated by those men. (I'd argue that most people are concerned by how those men treat other people and simply expect these women to care too) it's disingenuous to try to change that premise. Again, you guys go out of your way to infantalise these women, thereby making them get away with things no one should get away with.

    • @Georgeorwell9260
      @Georgeorwell9260 3 หลายเดือนก่อน

      he shows misogyny and racism btw

    • @Georgeorwell9260
      @Georgeorwell9260 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +3

      @@LAFA_babeyes i agree

    • @avamolinaro5559
      @avamolinaro5559 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +6

      totally agree, especially when somone like his past is so out in the open.

    • @donttalktomebye
      @donttalktomebye 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +15

      I dont think this starts drama, i think it opens a great discussion

  • @Eli-zx2rg
    @Eli-zx2rg 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +24

    My grandparents were in the process of getting a divorce and then during his political campaign they got back together because it looked better if he wasn't divorced. So yeah! Women are an extension of a politician's image.

    • @joeyjojojrshabadoo7462
      @joeyjojojrshabadoo7462 3 หลายเดือนก่อน

      Your grandparents or his grandparents? Or are you related?

  • @alicegale7174
    @alicegale7174 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +119

    This reminds me of how one of my friends, despite me dating my partner for 6 years and having a house and 2 dogs together, expressed how "weird" of a pair me and my partner are. Purely because I am more "alternative" and my boyfriend isn't. Yes, we don't like the same music but we have SO MUCH more in common that nobody else ever sees. We can sit and talk for hours about the same things, we like that we have similar interests but ultimately they're just different ways of just being creative. We have the same sense of humour and political views. I have never felt more safe and peaceful since we started dating. I completely agree that your partner brings something that nobody else can see, and other people should on some level mind their own business. (Unless the partner is abusive or your friends/ family know their values don't align with your own etc. and it's just not a good idea)

    • @leahwilton785
      @leahwilton785 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +11

      I definitely think there's this ideal that you have to have visible things in common with your partner (hobbies and such) when often what really matters is complimentary values, but those are much less visible.

    • @tan89284
      @tan89284 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +7

      I was just thinking about this, how we put people in stereotype boxes based on the persons interest and hobbies. And how some of us choose to display who we are on the outside (clothes/colours/hairstyles/hair colour/makeup style etc). I dress pretty bland and in neutrals all over, but I’m into mental and alternative things, but I don’t “look” it, so I get bingo’d a lot when meeting new people about how well versed I am in one of my hobbies/interests.
      You really can’t tell anything about a person (or a couple in this case) just by outward appearances.

    • @arbyswitch5580
      @arbyswitch5580 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +3

      And the thing is, sometimes a couple looks really good together but are incredibly fucking miserable...I'd rather be happy and not necessarily be perceived as a "good looking couple" like mind ya bizness

    • @catvalentine4317
      @catvalentine4317 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +3

      Honestly, I'd rather have hobbies of my own too that I can enjoy in solitude or with my friends. I don't share many hobbies with my partner, but I don't mind that all - your partner is expected to be your "one and only" while there should be many meaningful people in your life.

  • @charliclement4345
    @charliclement4345 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +378

    okay but as someone who did a uni module just about politics of First Ladies around the world, I would’ve eaten up the prime minister video 😆

    • @macbump4945
      @macbump4945 3 หลายเดือนก่อน

      You totally should make that video!!

  • @tiaraono7668
    @tiaraono7668 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +32

    this helped me relaize why im always so anxious when my boyfriend is hanging out with my friends. I'm not afraid that he wont like them... I'm afraid he will say something that is going to reflect poorly on me. (completely unfounded, he has never done so) I'm going to have to give this some further thought.

  • @emmyjohnson6143
    @emmyjohnson6143 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +181

    One thing I will put out there is that sometimes someone's partner can reveal something about them. I'm particularly thinking about cis friends who say they are supportive of trans people but don't do anything to correct their partner when they say something hurtful to trans people in their life (like misgendering). That lets the trans people know that the cis friend wasn't as safe as they had previous seemed and self-described.

    • @avamolinaro5559
      @avamolinaro5559 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +17

      ^^^^ Yes, making excuses for a partner who you know has a history of this type of thing shows a willingness to put their personal gain above whatever morality they claim to have.

  • @maryam.m
    @maryam.m 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +191

    As a single pringle who doesn't really care about celebrity's private lives, this video is both deeply troubling and hilarious.

    • @Androgynary
      @Androgynary 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +14

      single pringle 😂

    • @sexyscientist
      @sexyscientist 4 หลายเดือนก่อน

      Single pringle is exposed to the environment too much making it vulnerable. A stack of pringles decreases the surface area to volume ratio leading to increased tensile strength and reduced exposure. You know what I mean...

    • @HarshitWise
      @HarshitWise 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +7

      Single pringle is exposed to the environment too much making it vulnerable. A stack of pringles decreases the surface area to volume ratio leading to increased tensile strength and reduced exposure. You know what I mean...

    • @maryam.m
      @maryam.m 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +1

      @@HarshitWise lol

    • @HarshitWise
      @HarshitWise 3 หลายเดือนก่อน

      @@maryam.m Did you really get what I mean? This was the comment about emotional support and social perception.

  • @FishareFriendsNotFood972
    @FishareFriendsNotFood972 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +41

    Hmmmmm, I need to chew over the 'relationships are inherently subjective' part more. I feel like with women dating men, there's so much potential for the woman to be objectively mistreated, that I have the impulse to push back on that, because I have heard SO MANY women justify staying with an ab*ser with 'but you don't know how sweet he can be! How kind he is when it's just us two!' and I just roll my eyes

    • @tan89284
      @tan89284 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +16

      Girl same. I’ve seen my own friends say to me countless times “I’ve got a good man” or “he’s a good man” because her man made her a cup of coffee. Meanwhile, I’ve had that same friend bawl her eyes out to me in private because that “good man” had been texting his female coworkers outside of work and other actions with women that my friend deemed as cheating. So, you can imagine how I now feel about my friends relationship with this man. Whenever she says he’s a good man (because he did the bare minimum) I roll my eyes.

    • @nina-mill
      @nina-mill หลายเดือนก่อน

      While frustrating to witness, oftentimes these responses to abuse have a simple explanation. Previous abuse/neglect gave the person an association/confusion about what love feels like. Ultimately, the abusive partner usually knows this and uses that fact to manipulate and abuse their partner. The women you are talking about are confused because they have never received love.❤

  • @xXNekou
    @xXNekou 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +24

    Maybe instead of listening to what society has to say about our partner we could just sit down alone and very honestly answer some questions, like: Does this person bring out the best of me? Does that person push me up, to be good/better, or do they drag me down in any way? Is there mutual respect between us? Could I trust that this person will be on my side, not cheat etc? Is their energy/vibes suitable and enjoyable for me? Do I feel 100% safe with them?

  • @360shadowmoon
    @360shadowmoon หลายเดือนก่อน +2

    This is all true, but I also think it’s okay to not like your friends’ boyfriends/partners. I have legitimate reasons for not liking some of my friends’ partners, and sometimes feel this pressure from some of my friends to like their partner when we are better off being politely distant.

  • @MalvinaKavita
    @MalvinaKavita 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +6

    “we’ve started putting women on pedestals and we’re willing to take them down if they accept treatment from a man that we don’t deem acceptable” YES.

  • @carly6107
    @carly6107 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +65

    Oh man, this is something I’ve spent hours thinking about after experiencing the shame of being SAd by a close friend. When I was “on the apps” I was SO anxious even showing close friends the people I matched with, much less introducing them. I think a lot of it stemmed from not trusting myself to choose a safe person, and if anyone said something even remotely negative, I felt in danger and exposed for choosing poorly. I still have no answer to this-I’ve been with my current partner for over a year, and we were friends for a long time before that, and so by the time I was introducing him to family, etc. I was confident in my safety and that he was “good”, so I kind of skirted around the question. I really don’t know.

    • @greenthinggg
      @greenthinggg 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +9

      I am terribly sorry that happened to you I hope you're in a much better place now ❤

  • @AliciaWunder
    @AliciaWunder 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +512

    the first few minutes of this video Leena also reminded me of Simone Biles’ husband who wasn’t humble enough about being married to the GOAT on some podcast and he got ridiculed online but also I do feel she still tries to shine a positive light on him once in a while to redeem him but also herself 😂 bc people were judging her for him!

    • @katiahrvth8483
      @katiahrvth8483 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +36

      It came to my mind too! People were being quite mean

    • @R-zg4zg
      @R-zg4zg 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +64

      Exactly what I was thinking! Parasocial is so weird, like I barely follow gymnastics but obviously was fully aware of Simone Biles being fantastic, then to hear about someone who (to me) is a random guy almost deny this literal fact put my nose out of joint for like 0.2 sec before my rational brain switched on and went - why is that my business? Why do I care? I don't know her and it's her life 😂

    • @artsyswarley
      @artsyswarley 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +1

      Yes I thought of this too!

    • @lindsaymorrison7519
      @lindsaymorrison7519 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +42

      EXACTLY! It's like not only does she have to prove that she's the greatest Olympian of all time.... She also has to prove that she's found an utterly perfect "good man" or else SHE can't be a good role model? Her husband's words and mistakes are a reflection on himself, but when the Internet hurls itself at him, how is she as his partner supposed to not be emotionally affected by that as well? Especially when some of the critique truly didn't make sense. People got mad that he posed for a picture wearing her medals, but that's something a lot of Olympians family members do? We all know who's really winning the gold here. If my sibling or spouse won an Olympic medal, you bet your butt I'd want to put it on for a few seconds if they'd let me!

    • @petalchild
      @petalchild 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +27

      I mean that absolutely is not what he was ridiculed for. Maybe you need to rewatch that interview for a refresher.

  • @kbqiscool
    @kbqiscool 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +5

    I think there is a difference about disapproving of someone dating someone who doesn’t treat that person well vs disapproving that they overlook how poorly the man treats other people (such as by being racist, homophobic, etc). I still think more of the smoke should go to the person actually doing the shitty stuff, but there is a level of complicitness in being close to or dating a person participating in those -isms

    • @emmagracie9272
      @emmagracie9272 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +1

      Yeah that was my issue with Taylor. I loved Taylor’s music since she debuted and having followed her, she does try to present herself as someone who does try to do the best, is very intelligent and ambitious and writes amazing songs. But when she dated Matt Healey and finding out he said some incredibly racist sexist comments, it made me just judge her bc she would not only associate with someone like that but actually liked him. It’s not his treatment of her that made me judge Taylor but her being ok with being around a person like that. I haven’t liked her as much since. And I’ve listened to Daddy I love him and to see how she thinks her fans were wrong in that fiasco just makes my blood boil.

  • @farrahaliceblack7453
    @farrahaliceblack7453 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +105

    I was once dating a guy I had met on Tinder and it ended very quickly and dramatically because he had a serious workplace accident and his mental health took a huge hit so very understandably, he suddenly wasn't in a good place to navigate a new relationship so we ended things. My (now ex) friends were SO SURE he was somehow "manipulating" me I thought I was going insane. I literally saw him and his scar after it all happened, and they had never met the man. He was never anything other than lovely and honest, nothing was wrong besides the timing- but no. Wouldn't even belive me, was fucking adamant they knew better and even so were weird condescending about me being "manipulated"? It was the most bizarre friendship situation I've maybe ever experienced.
    Anyway, years have passed now and I'm not friends with any of that lot and in a very happy long term relationship I know they would've hated, so that proves he's perfect 😅

    • @gilly_axolotl
      @gilly_axolotl 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +11

      Honestly not being friends with women that are overly mistrusting of men has been beneficial for me. It's a type of mistrust that leads the way to other biases like ableism, racism, queerphobia, etc
      Edit: being happy with someone you know your toxic ex-friends would've hated is so validating ahahaha. Your last sentence was so real

  • @annamonson212
    @annamonson212 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +89

    I feel like the advice that spooks the most is advice that predicts the future. Like there is a difference between a friend saying i just know hes going to x, vs im concerned when i see him treat you this way, or this event rubbed me the wrong way. The first, even if they end up being right feels very patronizing and isolating, the second might still sting but at least you can talk together about reality.

  • @sugaCat363
    @sugaCat363 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +81

    My husband was a teen parent, and even though we were both in our 20's when we started dating, I got so much unnecessary well-meaning concern from friends and family because of it. Thankfully, once people met him, they calmed down about it, but it definitely revealed some judgment and biases that people have about teen parents. I had to pull the "but you don't know him like I do!" cliché a couple times 😅.
    But yeah the performative aspect of having a Great Partner is very weird and I hate the idea of having one's own identity tied up in another person.

    • @diemdia
      @diemdia 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +6

      We aren’t together anymore for unrelated reasons, but I dated a man who had been a teen father and was going through a separation with his child’s mother. He was a great father and a great person. I understand why people have a bias, but it’s also nice to know that the people in your life are capable of trusting your judgment. I feel like unless there are signs of abusive, we could all be better about keeping judgments to ourselves about other people’s partners, and maybe take some time to examine where those judgments are coming from while we’re at it. Glad people have calmed down about your choices lol it can be cliche but still true

  • @kevinandorsusie
    @kevinandorsusie 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +5

    For me when it comes to questioning someone for their choice in partner on an interpersonal level (and sometimes when viewing celebrities) the hard line is, "does the partner hold bigoted views that my friend is 'making exceptions' for?" Because at that point it does concern me, you are bringing someone into my vicinity, and into my circle that might see me as less than, or my rights as optional, that threatens my safety, that makes spending time with my friend no longer a safe space. If you're willing to make "exceptions" on what should be principled beliefs, it is objectively no longer about just the partner, it's about the friend's own moral character, and it's about how much they actually value me as a person to bring someone around who doesn't see me as a full person just because they think they're hot. If your partner is a bigot, you're not much better just cause you're only enabling it rather than actively engaging with it.
    And sometimes I do extend that judgement to celebrities, especially if they are someone who advertises themselves as a progressive person. What does it say about them and their character if they claim to have these beliefs, but then go on to date someone with questionable or outright bigoted views? What does it say about their character that when directly confronted with these harmful views from someone close to them, they choose to ignore it or be complicit? That bigotry or those questionable views can be reflected both in what those partners say and the actions and behaviors they engage in.

  • @diamcole
    @diamcole 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +7

    Michelle Obama is a great example of this! Folks absolutely loved Barack on his own but his wife arguably helped solidify some of the fond felelings of him as a loving husband and family man.

  • @katka101
    @katka101 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +9

    On a similar note, I really dislike when people describe their partners as either their other half or, even worse, their better half. As if a person was not whole without having a partner. Someone else rightly commented that our partners are not an extension of us or our reflection. You are you.

  • @awkwardatlas5623
    @awkwardatlas5623 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +88

    I WANT THE PM THIRST TRAP VIDEO!

  • @jennam8401
    @jennam8401 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +44

    surprised you didn't mention more on the influencer culture of relationships verses celebrity ones - e.g. Molly-Mae's relationship was a fundamental part of her 'brand' and, in a way, influencers must rely on these brand elements from their personal life more than maybe Sabrina carpenter or Taylor swift as they have a separate product to rely on i.e. their music

  • @leahwilton785
    @leahwilton785 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +32

    This is a true, and also I cannot help but feel vigilant towards my friends dating mediocre white men because of the prevelance of women being "moms" to their partners in adult relationships. I know their relationships are not my choice, but its a good reminder that this comes from a desire to want good things for my friends whom i love. Ultimately my response to other peoples breakups has become "I'm sorry/congratulations. whichever you feel you need to hear"

    • @amberglow7612
      @amberglow7612 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +8

      Why the need to add "white"? There are plenty of mediocre men that aren't white too 😅

    • @leahwilton785
      @leahwilton785 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +9

      @@amberglow7612 hahaha absolutely true. I think the meme has just become "mediocre white men" so thats how it came out of me

    • @amberglow7612
      @amberglow7612 3 หลายเดือนก่อน

      ​@@leahwilton785I see 😂

    • @gilly_axolotl
      @gilly_axolotl 3 หลายเดือนก่อน

      Okay, but how are you defining mediocre white men. There are plenty of run of the mill, average ass men that are responsible adults. Idek why the term "mediocre" is used as an insult.

  • @konpulsiv
    @konpulsiv 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +25

    I feel a bit torn up about this one. Yes, we should not jugde women for how men treat them!
    And when it comes to parasocial relationships, I think we need to shut up more 😅
    But also, when a man treats my friend badly imo, I feel I have to tell her, bc I care for her. Same when he gives off weird vibes for more than five consecutive meetings. Most often, we can trust our guts with recognozing creepy and violent men - but when you're in love, you tend to overlook red flags. At least me and my girlfriends do.
    Lastly, as someone who tries to de-center the overbearing focus on romantic relationships whilst navigating one, I do think it's more important that my friends like my new partner than the other way round. They know me better, we've been through a lot, I love them and they're as important as a romantic love to my life.

    • @gilly_axolotl
      @gilly_axolotl 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +2

      Some people's "weird vibes" are just prejudices. That's where the difference comes in. As long as your able to reflect on exactly why your hypothetical friends bf gives you the ick, then I'm sure you're going the right way with it

  • @Kat-V
    @Kat-V 2 หลายเดือนก่อน +1

    This is a fantastically useful way to look both at ourselves and at other women. Here's my two cents. I have a public Instagram account where I like to post pictures of myself and my boyfriend and cats. I also like to comment on posts on my feed and get into discussions and arguments, as one does on Instagram. Sometimes I can be edgy, other times just open about my culture and views. The amount of times I've been "insulted" by people telling me that my boyfriend is (gasp!) bald (because apparently I didn't notice and didn't know that automatically made a man unattractive wtf) or that I'm a cat lady (ok?) is actually unbelievable. They don't comment on my looks, they try to be mean by insulting my loved ones and that's shit

  • @BookChats
    @BookChats 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +4

    Sometimes your friend is dating a tool but it's not willing to hear that so if you insist on telling them their partner is bad news, they will stop telling you things about their life.
    Now I think it can still be worth gently asking them what they love about that person and susing out whether you can have that conversation but sometimes we don't tell our friends their partner sucks while they're saying them because we want to stay on the friendship and believe it will ultimately outlive the romantic relationship.

  • @ParisGappmayr
    @ParisGappmayr 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +44

    Just brought my partner to meet my parents/extended family for the first time so this video was perfectly timed. Much food for thought here- thank you!

  • @suno8911
    @suno8911 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +27

    I’m married to someone who has been increasingly struggling with mental health, who is neurodivergent and possibly bipolar, who didn’t have the luxury of higher education and has faced job insecurity for years. He’s also someone I can genuinely communicate with and I admire in ways people cannot see. Sure enough, people have openly asked me why are we even together many times. Hard as it is for anybody to understand, I am not an extension of him and he is not an accessory of mine. Whatever the nature of our relationship (toxic or not) it also doesn’t define who we are individually. This hasn’t been an easy lesson to keep having to learn, and I’ve had to keep my ego constantly in check to truly believe it myself - something I am most proud of.

    • @katka101
      @katka101 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +9

      "I am not an extension of him and he is not an accessory of mine" love this!

  • @Jen-tn1un
    @Jen-tn1un 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +26

    I am not sure where this fits in, but I think a lot about being told by one of my friends that my ex and I were "the perfect couple." Cute, right? What said friend didn't know was that the relationship was an emotionally abusive one. Somehow, that comment made me feel incredibly guilty that I was not able to live up to being the couple that she believed us to be.

  • @pisto30
    @pisto30 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +63

    Re: Karina...there was another idol named U-Kwon (he's in a group called Block B who's on hiatus right now) he was in a relationship (and living together with) someone for 10 years and they couldn't even be seen together or else the fans and Korean media went wild. It got so bad that whenever she was at his house (and the media saw them) she had to pretend she was GOING TO his house

    • @Pandaboomina
      @Pandaboomina 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +3

      Wouldn’t it be their house then? Not just his house?

    • @smolbean9774
      @smolbean9774 3 หลายเดือนก่อน

      i feel bad for block b, they’ve had to deal with crazy scandals

    • @Pandaboomina
      @Pandaboomina 3 หลายเดือนก่อน

      @@smolbean9774 I read this as sandals at first lol

  • @CyborgBirdie
    @CyborgBirdie 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +3

    To maybe co-opt this video and come at it from the angle of a branded boyfriend - I recently got out of a relationship with a woman because I felt more like I'm her "punky boyfriend" for her Instagram posts more than I felt like a real partner. I've recently move back to the UK from Germany (Brexit yay) so I dress like a stereotypical Berlin punk rocker, and got on the dreaded dating apps. I spend my time doing DIY, food banks, protests, prison outreach, all that good shit. and to begin with I thought it was really cool she was willing to come along with me and help out. But it didn't work out that way. it was all about the posts, and the pics, and the hashtags without any of the hard work. It made me feel like everything I was doing, everything I stood for, everything I am, wasn't real. or at least didn't really matter. it was shallow, for fake points. and then I was like OMGERD I'M BEING OBJECTIVIFIED. For the first time in my life really, I wasn't who I am. I was nothing but an image. a symbol. a brand.
    Not only was I picked because I fit a specific aesthetic. I was picked because its the hot new homeless, sympathy aesthetic. for insta. ready to be discarded as soon as it wasn't cool to date people who look homeless. I had been truly objectivized for the first time in my life. who I am and what I believe was just a brand to this person. something to show off.
    and holy shit ladies, how you deal with being treated like that far more regularly than I do - power to ya.
    Cool channel! Not sure it's all for me, but I dig and appreciate. keep it up yo.

  • @guerillahag
    @guerillahag 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +3

    “and then i got served by a reel” should be used more on opinion content because of how true they are

  • @mimirobin
    @mimirobin 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +26

    can't stop thinking how Chappell Roan as per this video is literally the Statue of Liberty (i love her)

  • @justsomebody7702
    @justsomebody7702 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +21

    This video actually helped me a lot bc im not proud to say it but I am too critical of my friends male partners and especially of their choice. So thank you for calling me out!! I needed it and you gave me motivation to work on it!! :)

  • @CraigSimmonds
    @CraigSimmonds 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +213

    First of all, how dare you...

  • @sophiaazevedo4013
    @sophiaazevedo4013 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +24

    I’ve had similar thoughts about the “Overton window”. I didn’t have a name for it but I noticed different people have different tolerances for how different they are from their partner. That was too many differents in one sentence but oh well

  • @paintingwithletters
    @paintingwithletters 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +13

    Such a thoughtful video. The people I’m closest to outside of my husband are my sisters, and it was important to me that they liked him as I wanted a future where we all enjoyed spending time together, going on holidays together etc. But their point of view was just ‘of course we like him - if he makes you happy we like him’.
    My husband and I are quite different in terms of interests but align on values - values aren’t necessarily visible to friends meeting for a drink so I think my choice did seem kind of random to some friends. One friend for example wasn’t exactly critical but said she ‘didn’t get it’ but that didn’t put me off as it wasn’t anything about his character or values, she just I guess had a certain idea of me and didn’t see him sharing the same interests. I explained that that wasn’t really what I was looking for - for me it’s enough that my partner is open and curious to hearing about my interests but they don’t have to like all the same things I do - I have friends to share my interests with.
    I think who you should listen to basically depends on how much you expect them to be around your partner (as then it effects their life too), and what you should listen to is concern for your wellbeing and happiness, not other peoples preferences.

  • @rhiannon3353
    @rhiannon3353 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +33

    I really wish my family and friends had let me know their negative feelings about my first relationship, I think it could have saved me a lot of hurt. However I am still not sure if listening to them about my last relationship was for the best. I think there isn't a blanket rule.

    • @mimmikibilly
      @mimmikibilly 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +3

      Same. I was told my ex wasn't really a good person and I get that they didn't want to be too blunt about it, but I try to give every person a chance, unless they scare me to the core, so i ended up with a problematic person. They apparently knew hom more than I did. Sometimes family and friends can be biased, sometimes they know you and feel that something is wrong. I got the final stroke to choose to leave him after I was talking to my mom. She made it clear she didn't like him, but I wanted to take my time and try all I could to see if he needed a specific way to address the issues we had. I realised he didn't, I listened to my mom and left. I fear many people don't have the tools to find a more logic solution, because they are less inclined to introspection due to many factors, but if someone takes the time to listen, explore and feel they can get to the right answer for them.

  • @leahschroeder3533
    @leahschroeder3533 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +6

    Slightly off topic - but could you do a video on Colleen Hoover? I’d be curious to know your thoughts as a literary person and someone who talks about relationships. There’s been a lot of interesting discourse around the new IEWU movie and I’d love to hear your take!

  • @juliette_lummm
    @juliette_lummm 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +3

    Yes, feedback on romantic partners is good. Like if you're best friend is venting about her boyfriend and through her stories you discover many red flags about her partner, you'd like to share your opinion somehow. This is why abusers like to isolate their victims from friends and family. Because if their victim had an outside perspective, they might realize sooner that they're being manipulated. But yeah, it should just be feedback on whether the person might be dangerous to their partner, unless you really think someone is forcing themselves into a relationship because of loneliness or outside expectations. If you just don't like the person, but they seem safe, of course, there's no need to give feedback.

  • @joeyjojojrshabadoo7462
    @joeyjojojrshabadoo7462 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +3

    I'm of the the opinion you don't breath single bad word about your friend's partner(s) unless they sincerely solicit your advice or you have genuine concerns about their well-being, if you just don't like them bite your tongue and respect that they do.

  • @destinyischoice
    @destinyischoice 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +4

    This is a great video! It made me think about my relationship - I'm nearly 40 and have been with the same person since I was 16 (we got married when I was 29, been together for 23 years). We come from different backgrounds but met in a teen chatroom in the early 2000s. Like you and Craig, have changed so much in those years but still love and care about each other. We had a long distance relationship for about 7 years before we lived together which gave us a lot of time to grow as people and give each other that room. I think people might have it a lot harder now because of our perpetually online culture - depending on your values there seems to be a lot of pressure for things to 'look' good even if they aren't, and this applies to relationships too. It must be difficult to protect the privacy and intimacy of a relationship when it's thrust into the public eye. Even influencers seem to fall for the idea that their relationships need to appear in-line with their brand or be part of their work. Of course that's fine if people work together! But they don't have to, or shouldn't have to. People aren't brands - we're messy and imperfect and changeable.

  • @invinciblejack
    @invinciblejack 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +4

    I love this vlog Leena. At the start of this year I started going out with someone radically different from me in many ways and I've never learnt so much in a relationship before! He made me a lot more self aware and open minded about other people's lived experience. ❤

  • @victorrrrriaaaaaaaa
    @victorrrrriaaaaaaaa 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +27

    The Age of Magical Overthinking by Amanda Montell has a chapter about celebrity parasocial relationships that gives a lot of food for thought 🤔

  • @mossyspacebug6976
    @mossyspacebug6976 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +4

    totally off topic (your video is awesome and i love hearing your thoughts) but i really appreciated and love how your subtitles match what you're actually saying and how you're saying it rather than being short for "convenience"

  • @mkressyy
    @mkressyy 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +2

    I love how you laugh when you talk! I also think the viewpoints in this video are very refreshing and kind of made me rethink some thinks. Like, there’s such a balance when it comes to relationships I feel, because having aligned values with someone (friend or romantic partner) is important but having them as an extension of your ‘brand’ is toxic. It is a FINER line than people realise.

  • @kittenswithbows
    @kittenswithbows 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +3

    I'm neither here nor there about the work of Sabrina Carpenter or that actor she's dating. So I don't have any vested interest in their relationship.
    The thing I find odd about people's reactions to it is that he is a new father with a baby and he's off falling around his new girlfriend on tour.
    No one can convince me that man is an engaged father whom is working hard to bond with his new child.
    Even if you're not together as parents you can make an effort to see your child frequently and regularly.
    And I have never been here for women who date men that are uninvited dads.
    How is that not the biggest turn off in history? Like, oh you have children but you don't see them much? OK, bye.

  • @VeganBeautyGirl
    @VeganBeautyGirl 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +7

    found it so frustrating last year when taylor was being held to account for matty healy's actions more than matty healy? i think they were dating for 2 weeks or so and somehow she was responsible for him? bizarre. LOVED THIS VID.

  • @sssarahxo1
    @sssarahxo1 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +9

    This is such an interesting topic...I have friends from a variety of different backgrounds, but as someone who is religious, that is important to me in finding my partner. But I think this is less understandable for some of my friends. Whereas I don't mind having different political opinions to a partner, whereas many friends would not want this. We are all different!

  • @killerscenekween
    @killerscenekween 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +2

    who you allow into your life says a lot about a person, this is not about treating women as an extension of men, it is about calling out people for being okay with dating someone who is a racist (Taylor swift), or who is a deadbeat dad (Sabrina carpenter), I’d have the exact same level of judgement for a man doing the same thing.

  • @sarahwhittaker5356
    @sarahwhittaker5356 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +6

    I wonder how far the being judged by affiliation goes. It happens with faith and race a lot- if a person of a certain faith or race does something that doesn't go down well, people who can be categorised in the same box get the judgement too.
    More love is blind chat please 💔❤️

  • @annalivingtv
    @annalivingtv 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +1

    My best friend in high school had a bf i disaproved of cause i thought he was too boring for her. I wasnt over the top about my dislike for him but she knew i didnt think he was good enough for her. Fast forward to college and now i have a bf that my roommate disapproved of and thought wasnt good enough. And experiencing that side made me so stressed and overwhelmed, overthinking my relationship based on what my friends thought rather than what i did, nervous to share small issues i needed help with because i thought theyd tell me to break up, insecure about spending time with him. It was horrible and also made me realize my friends have no clue what i want in a relationship. And i have no clue what they want. And unless that relationship is actually toxic we should just mind our own business
    Also i so agree about how we always expect someones partner to be like them but that thats not always best. My bf is similar in really small things that oddly matter a lot to me and not at all to others, like that we both like cold weather rather than hot, and very different in others that people would consider important like that hes not very politically minded and not very adventurous

  • @NatManzano
    @NatManzano 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +2

    In Japan you cannot be an idol and date at the same time. It says in your contract that you are not allowed to date nor to marry anyone. I have no idea if this is the case in Korea, but it might be closer to that than what it is in the western world.

  • @firesidethewater
    @firesidethewater 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +2

    I gotta say, aside from the message, I also love the setting and the scene perspective here! 🌿

  • @raahimas2776
    @raahimas2776 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +5

    so grateful for this one!! sparked some insight that i really needed help reaching!! really needed to hear some of this to help me navigate my own life.

  • @xXNekou
    @xXNekou 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +3

    Not completely related to the topic of the video, but it is about relationships.. this quote I like from "The power of now"; it says basically that: your partnr should not be a veil/curtain that covers up your insecurities and your pain. Whatever sadness and pain comes up in the relationship was probably in you long before you met your partner, and the relationship made these negative things come to the surface. (Obviously this wouldn't apply to every single person and every single situation but yeah, I think it's a good quote and it is relatable in my personal relationship)

  • @EzzyBerry2626
    @EzzyBerry2626 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +7

    Thank you for this perspective, it makes me trust myself and my decisions are right for me, even beyond relationships I think this advice applies to so much in life 🥰🥰

  • @amoralau8591
    @amoralau8591 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +2

    I also think that it’s worth pointing out that patriarchy and therefore society has benefited from and continues to pit younger women against older women in terms of vying for the attention and affection of men. Whether this is by making it seem like older women are jealous of younger women’s beauty or youth or that younger women are being looked down upon by older women due to their lack of experience or knowledge. This divide is often taken advantage of by older men against younger women (of which I have been one) where it’s a “flattering” thing to be desired by an older man because he could pick anyone but he picked you (trauma) and often older women will try to warn younger women about such people as they also had a similar experience when they were younger but they will be dismissed due to this feeling of competition between women. This very much goes under your point about people but specifically men being awful and it needing to be pointed out by others but I’ve personally found it very hard to see the ways that I’ve been manipulated from within a relationship so having those people around me who can call it out has saved me so many times. ❤ love your videos so much leena! Can’t wait to see the next one 😊

  • @CrystaICupid
    @CrystaICupid 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +1

    as a kpop stan, unfortunately, The thing that happened with karina is pretty typical, specifically with female idols. If you look up a girl called Goo Hara, She was a kpop idol who got embroiled in controversy and the main reason was because of her dating someone, She got bullied relentlessly online and sadly took her own life as a result, another idol, Jennie, Is constantly called a slut because she "dated too much" according to some kpop fans. Its really scary and sad. Delusional fans think they own these idols.

  • @71lizgoeshardt
    @71lizgoeshardt 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +5

    Partner as brand extension: see USA First Ladies. Yes, 100%. I hate it, but it's been like that forever.

  • @jjescorpiso21
    @jjescorpiso21 หลายเดือนก่อน

    This is so illuminating. I'm currently grappling with something adjacent to this. Your thoughts have given me more to chew on.

  • @thiswave499
    @thiswave499 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +2

    Did not expect you to talk about this topic but that’s why I love this channel

  • @sarahwatts7152
    @sarahwatts7152 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +6

    But also the video on the PM's wives (if handled sensitively, which here it would be) could be interesting

  • @toniat.1738
    @toniat.1738 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +1

    I am always anxious about introducing my partners to my parents, because there have been times (if not always) that they judge the person solely for their appearance and not for their character/ how they treat me. Sometimes I've noticed myself changing my opinion about my partner, something that wouldn't have happened if they hadn't met, and I don't like that at all. On one hand, I want their opinion in order to make sure I'm not avoiding any bad behavior or something like that, but on the other hand I know that it will end with me uncomfortable and trying not to take into consideration my parents' comments.

  • @jujubesification
    @jujubesification 3 หลายเดือนก่อน

    I really like that you don't come to an answer. I think there isn't a single answer even when it comes to one single couple, let alone the multitudes of realities that exist when it comes to humanity.
    Really like that you point out how the judging party often doesn't think about having to be likeable and how they come across. And then the judgee has not only to deal with having to be likeable, but also often takes on the task of having to like.

  • @meepinandmorpin
    @meepinandmorpin 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +1

    i'm so lost in my healthy offline adult queer social spaces that the idea of being judged by internet strangers for dating somebody is so foreign. 😮 tbh i thought Sabrina was just embarrassed to be with a man period , which like, valid af.

  • @arbyswitch5580
    @arbyswitch5580 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +1

    I am still occasionally haunted by the time someone tried to make me take on personal responsibility for some stupid shit my partner at the time had done, mostly because i was made aware of it by being told "YOUR BOYFRIEND DID [blah blah]" and not like... "[Ex's name here] did something stupid" but the thing is, either way it was implied that i was supposed to have somehow prevented them from doing that or some asinine bullshit...maybe this is why im pretty comfortably single, becoming coupled to someone is weird and feels like it results in my autonomy and individual personhood being revoked without my consent

  • @GaGaObession
    @GaGaObession 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +4

    thank you for this video!! your brain & debating, makes me want to think / read / challenge myself more

  • @yellowzora
    @yellowzora 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +5

    I did have a couple of people (that I trust) check my boyfriend for red flags, as my previous relationship was pretty controlling and toxic. But my biggest check was done by my cat, since she also lives with me and immediately took to him I decided he would be worth it xD
    I think it would do all of us good to take a step back and not judge people as much. I'm not very invested in celebreties at all, when I hear that one I like has found a partner my thoughts usually are along the lines of "good, I hope they work well with each other". When one of my best friends got a new boyfriend ( who I haven't met yet, we live in different countries) I did ask her some specific questions to make sure he treats her right, and a year later their still doing well together. I think we should screen people for general decency but not much more - if I would have had the objectivity to have someone else look at my ex critically I might have never moved in with him and avoided a whole host of issues down the line. It's a complicated topic, and the answer is really not an easy one. Like Leena said, don't meddle too much and let the magic happen :D

  • @Kam_i_
    @Kam_i_ 3 หลายเดือนก่อน

    The internet has compounded the societal treatment of significant others as status symbols, it definitely isn’t confined to celebrities and famous individuals

  • @phoebegonzales
    @phoebegonzales 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +1

    Interesting topic! My husband and I have differing views on a few things, and in the early days of us dating (we've now been together 9 years), it was an issue for me, as I had absorbed this rhetoric of needing to be oh so similar to your partner. But in that time we've both changed, and if there wasn't that room to grow and change (like you talked about), I think that'd be an issue and we possibly wouldn't have lasted. Our bond is based on other things, and the really important views are aligned.

  • @essendossev362
    @essendossev362 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +6

    Holy shit, Spinach in my Teeth is SUCH a good song.

  • @heevans94
    @heevans94 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +76

    Pretty sure Sabrina and Barry broke up this week 😂 but still! The points stand! Loved this video

    • @kaya.serrano1693
      @kaya.serrano1693 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +8

      That’s really funny bc I follow him and he recently posted a story praising bad chem really hard and I thought that the timing of him posting that among all the break up rumors is so funny.

  • @rosestormwolf
    @rosestormwolf 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +1

    Yeah honestly we should should stop giving a damn about who celebrities are dating. It honestly becomes quite weird and parasocial and even toxic at times, like you pointed out, especially if the celebrity is someone who their fans find attractive either sexually or romantically. Even celebrities who try to keep their personal and professional lives completely separate are always running the risk of their fans finding out information about them and subsequently harassing either them or their loved ones about it. Like, some people really need to get it into their heads that like, said celebrity doesn’t know who you are and isn’t going to fuck/date you.

  • @cordeliaistheone
    @cordeliaistheone 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +3

    Great discussion as always. Not a huge part of the video and I'm sure you just misspoke, but reminder that women and nonbinary people can be abusers/bad partners etc. too. It sounds obvious and violence against women by men is the most common, but often queer people and/or men find it additionally difficult to leave an abusive relationship because women aren't seen as a threat and/or people in a queer relationship don't want to make LGBT+ people and queer relationships look bad by speaking out. That's not to say it's easier for women being abused by men, but by not mentioning others affected it makes it even more difficult to talk about.

    • @justjoannak
      @justjoannak 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +1

      Absolutely agree with this

  • @nadiaadeel6892
    @nadiaadeel6892 3 หลายเดือนก่อน

    Such an incredible video. You literally changed my view on more than one thing. Thank you

  • @zellalaing5439
    @zellalaing5439 3 หลายเดือนก่อน

    The bit you said about love is blind is the same in married at first site. The audacity some of the friends have.

  • @FeelKarmatic
    @FeelKarmatic 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +1

    Karina mentioned in a Leena video …. Incredible !!!

  • @isabelnecessary5915
    @isabelnecessary5915 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +13

    9:47 can anyone help me out with who she’s referring to here?

    • @RM-cj8uj
      @RM-cj8uj 3 หลายเดือนก่อน

      I don't know exactly but it does make me think of Harvey Weinstein's ex wife

  • @27alpar
    @27alpar 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +3

    Omg yes! I was just thinking about it! In Brazil (for me, here) we're experiencing the phenomenon of strong beautiful celebrities being cheated on by their, less than ideal boyfriends. the most famous case is Iza, our Brazilian Beyonce being cheated on by her boyfriend, reserve football player for a second division team, while 6m pregnant, and the discourse is wild. I get that your relationship is part of your branding, but then choosing people for that very reason.... At the same time it would all be much simpler if men would rise up and stop feeling threatened by strong successful women...

  • @samiraschwannecke678
    @samiraschwannecke678 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +1

    A song that also comes to my mind on that topic is 'Holy revival' by Masie Peters. To me the whole piece always reads like a pep-talk she gives herself but obviously it can also be interpreted as a promise to the public or her surroundings (esp. bc 'And you're pobably wondering who Andrew is but that is really not important here. It's what he represents' or something along those lines where she directly adresses the listeners).
    Aaaanyways, one line is 'And I have two friends, I listen to them like the bible'. And I keep thinking about whether I like it or not as guidance for myself (she can do whatever she likes obviously).

  • @silviavila173
    @silviavila173 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +14

    4:50 all of this bc the internet told her she should not date a racist lmao