Chrisa’s Story: Caring for Her Son with Schizophrenia

Chrisa shares her 19-year journey caring for her son Tim, who was diagnosed with schizophrenia in middle school. She reflects on the challenges of managing a diagnosis, balancing family life, and learning to separate Tim’s personality from his symptoms. Chrissa emphasizes the importance of support systems, like NAMI, and the need for caregivers to prioritize self-care and connection with loved ones.
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Video Transcript:
My name is Chrisa Hickey, and I’m from Ephraim, Wisconsin. I’ve been caring for my son, Tim, who’s 30 years old now. He was diagnosed with schizophrenia in middle school, so I think this is year 19.
When Tim was diagnosed, we didn’t fully understand what that meant or the implications for his future. I jumped into research mode-trying to find out as much as I could about schizophrenia, the prognosis for different ages, the treatments, and the medications he might need. I wanted to support Tim and the rest of our family as we navigated this.
One thing I wish I had done differently is helping Tim’s siblings understand what was happening. It was very difficult for them to process, and I wish I had explained things better.
The biggest challenge in the beginning was juggling everything-figuring out how to care for Tim, managing his diagnosis, stabilizing him with the right care and medications-while working full-time and caring for our other children. It was a monumental task. We eventually had to reconfigure our family dynamic. We were fortunate that my husband could become the stay-at-home parent, and we divided responsibilities to make it more manageable.
One of the most important things I’ve learned is that schizophrenia is not their personality. When Tim is stable, he has an effervescent personality-he’s personable, rides his bike, and spends time with friends. But when he’s having a bad day or a bad period, his symptoms-like flat emotions, paranoia, or illogical behavior-can be confusing and even frightening. That’s not who he is. His symptoms and his personality are two separate things. Once I learned to separate the two, it became easier to see this as something Tim and I manage together, rather than me managing him.
NAMI has been a lifeline for us. Their caregiver classes and support groups helped me connect with people who truly understood. Schizophrenia can be very isolating for the whole family due to the stigma and misunderstanding around it. You can’t just tell your neighbor, “Oh, my son was hallucinating today.” It’s too scary for most people to hear.
Early on, it was hard for my husband and me to find time to connect because there wasn’t anyone we could easily ask to “watch” Tim. But we found small ways-after the kids were in bed or after Tim settled for the night-to reconnect and do something we enjoyed together. That became even easier when Tim moved into his own place.
One of the hardest lessons I learned is that there’s nothing you can do to make your loved one comply with their care. You can encourage, support, and be there for them, but ultimately, they have to make that choice. It was also tough not to blame myself-wondering if we’d raised Tim the wrong way, or if I’d passed something on genetically. It’s okay to have a pity party for a little while, but you can’t dwell on that guilt. If you do, you won’t be able to care for your loved one the way they need-and you’ll hurt yourself in the process.
This journey has taught me so much, but the biggest lesson is to separate the person from their symptoms and focus on managing the illness together.